Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP43: What is time? (Redux)

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with mum can you say josh whittaker josh whittaker and rob beckett hi say Josh Whitacombe. Josh Whitacombe. And Rob Beckett. Hi, Rob Beckett. Love you.

I know who that is. Oh, my God. What about Josh? Yeah, he's okay. No, I like Josh, actually. I didn't know him very well, but I know him now, so I actually quite like him now.

He sounded like Gabby Roslin. Was he not Gabby Roslin? It's not Gabby Roslin, no. It really sounded like Gabby Roslin. Was he not Gabby Roslin? It's not Gabby Roslin, no. It really sounded like Gabby Roslin at the start. And that's the kind of thing she'd do. She's very full of beans. Hi, I'm a 205-month-old, in brackets, 17, with no kids. So this is my mum, Claire, saying your names.

So the mum doesn't listen, but the daughter does, about parenting. She's got no kids, so she's got her mum. I was going to say older mum, but all mums are older. All mums are older, right. That's a riddle. By a bare minimum of... Well, let's not go into that. Depends where you are.

Different cultures. Yeah, depends where you are. Yeah, exactly. We don't want to judge. We don't want to be... We don't want to be counsel for my views. Please excuse her being somewhat mean to josh she is rather obsessed with rob as you can tell my brother zach and i are in the background obviously disagreeing with her so both it's all right and it wasn't as bad as i thought it was until molly from dorset started really hammering

at home absolutely love the podcast and have listened religiously since i was 15 wow thank you for all the laughs and making me 100 sure uh i was never having kids but recently i uh became pregnant with twins she's got she's pregnant no i'm joking at 17 the problem was that's not shocking for me because i grew up in southeast london no it's not shocking it was just just a bit of fun she said i'm 100 sure i'm never having kids. Yeah, right, Molly. When you listen religiously, does it mean you listen at 10 a.m. on Sundays and just Christmas and Easter? Yes, it does.

A bit of fun. Do you like that? Yeah. The problem was I spent so long, I thought that as soon as you said religiously, but there wasn't a moment to do the jokes. So now it looks like I've spent ages working out an average joke,

but I just want it known for the record, I did do that quite quickly. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Just so you know. She listens five times a day rob and when she listens she faces beckon them yeah oh lovely stuff oh so there we are that's nice now we're going to catch up on some correspondence today aren't we yes we are well you know we do these down again to get through the correspondence so we make sure that we're going through them because you send in great stuff and we sort of miss it out sometimes some people say they're their favorite episode well i i enjoy doing them but they don't um i've just said that we can't we

can't do i've just said i didn't i've never no one's ever said that to me why do you make that up i just thought it'd be fun to say i't know. But it might be some people's favourite episodes, but literally no one said that to you, but you've just said it. No. Some people have put on our Instagram, this is my favourite episode, below episodes that I think are dog shit. So, you know, everyone's...

I do think that, but, you know, everyone's allowed an opinion, Josh. That's the beauty of this show. Everyone's allowed an opinion. Exactly. What I was going to say, though, we also don't talk about anything topical because we never know when this is going out.

This might go out in a few weeks when we're on holiday or whatever. But before we record, you said, I do have some timeless stories, though, that could work. And I don't know if that meant they'd work on a correspondence episode or they were anecdotes that will be told in 300 years time. It's not going to be on Parkinson. They're going to be handed down down the years. Yeah, so did you want to do your timeless? It's not timeless because...

What is time? Do you know what I've been thinking about time? Going to sleep takes up too much of my life. I was once in a car. I was driving a comedian to Bath and back. Okay. The place, not just to wash him well no but a bath does come up in the story actually and he was a nice bloke it was me him and a guy i was the open spot hence i was driving he got in the car and he was so eccentrically dressed that i presumed he must be brilliant at comedy harry hill yeah you're like he can't be dressed like that and be shit yeah it didn't even it

didn't even come into my head oh yes they can well yeah i was like well this guy's gonna be the fucking genius because he's wearing i can't wait to tell a story about how i once was in a car with him when he's off in like la doing films and the other guy who was obsessed with karma to the point where who's obsessed with it it reminds me of those people on instagram that do like self-help motivational quotes going your past won't define you it's always a wrong one that puts up no one nobody that's had a good past puts up the past won't define it it's always a wrong one that puts up no one nobody that's had a good past puts up the past won't define it's always someone that's like done time yeah or should be doing it anyway he was obsessed with karma to the point where when we were coming back it was 1am

and we're in a service station getting cup of tea and the guy who served us and i don't mean any i don't mean this to be disparaging he did everything that you would do serving someone at 1am no more than that no more or no less yeah there wasn't a friendly customer service it was just it was so unremarkable yeah either way and this guy went thanks um do you have uh cards where i can just write down what great service you did and the guy was like what he's like have you got like customer review cards or something and he's like uh i don't know yeah at this point you think they're being sarcastic as well don't you like you're so bad you're like leave it out mate it's 1am fuck off will you start giving me all this mind game shit and he was like I just want to write to your manager

and say what a good job and this guy was like well I can go and find some see if we do them or whatever this guy was gone for about 15 minutes came back with a pen and a paper this guy was writing this note and you're like mate I want to get home so badly I don't care

about your karma at this stage anyway we get back in the car and we're driving along and he's like, I'm writing a book at the moment. And I'm like, alright, what's it about? And he said, it's disproving that time exists. Oh, that's a big book, that, isn't it?

I was like, bloody hell. Why are you doing birth control bath? He kept his 20, ironically. And I was like, all right, how did you think of that? And he went, how did you come up with this theory? And he went, I smoke a lot of dope in the bath. The time doesn't really exist if you do that, does it? Yeah, fucking hell.

Anyway, why did I tell you that? Because that's the last time I discussed why the time is a real thing. Right, okay. And so that's not one of the timeless...

No, it's not. We're not doing the timeless stories because it's a story about my dad making it into the local paper, but he said there's a second part to the story.

So I'll have to do another time. You wait until you've got the full anecdote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever drive people, Rob? Oh, yes, yes all over the place my car broke down a couple of times with nick helm and henry henry packer my car broke down with jim jeffries on the way to a tour show i used to try it's

horrible driving people it was awful awful anyway should we do some correspondence oh yes please correspond i a let's go here what have you got any have you got anything you want to kick us off with or i've got a couple this is boomer i always like to start with boomer because it was the best Correspond IA. Let's go here. Have you got anything you want to kick us off with? I've got a couple here. This is Boomer. I always like to start with Boomer because Boomer's the best, isn't it? After I was born, I went to live with my nan who lived by the sea. Yeah.

It's like the start of a children's book, isn't it? Dad, being a practical man that he was, decided I would learn to swim and promptly. So he picked my four-year-old self up, walked into the sea. He then let me go and waded back to shore oh my god his dad logic was a due to the salt content of seawater it was more buoyant and therefore easier for me to float and keep my head above water oh dear god b as the tide was on

its way in nature would do most of the work see if i could swim in the sea i could swim in a swimming pool yeah but if you drown in the sea you can drown in a swimming pool as well by that logic in case you're wondering my nan lived in eastbourne and this happened in march i'm not sure how much time you spend in eastbourne beach but it's very similar to brighton lovely on its own way but hardly miles of golden sand with gentle lapping surf and crystal clear water it's a short beach very cold that time of year and very deep at high tide to this day he still maintains that it was a very sensible thing to do and to give him credit i learned to swim pretty quickly you should see the steepness of the tarmac road he taught me to ride a bike on many thanks kim taylor yeah you know people go you can can't beat British beaches. Do you know what?

I think you can. Yeah. Some of them, like down on that south coast, like Brighton. Brighton's a fun place, but the pebbles are massive. The seas are, it's all like green and brown. And it's basically a massive river, isn't it, between like Dover and Calais? I don't want to lose all of our south coast listeners, but stony beaches can fuck off.

Why would I want to sit on fucking pebbles? It's less relaxing than other places. I'm going to sit on something that's less comfortable than if I just sat normally. Yeah, in a park. You wouldn't get rid of all your grass and put gravel down and just sit on it. No, do you want to come and sit in my driveway no of course not no i'm not a pebbly beach guy

to be honest no i'm not a beach guy are you not a beach guy no too busy lots of people stresses me out i don't mind it when it's dead empty and stuff like that in the winter and that but in the summer i find it a horrible place to be the kids love it so i'll do it for the kids but no part of me wants to go down there in the summer i like a moody walk along a kind of gray beach like you're in a drama and you've just been found out your wife's cheating on you if you found out rose was cheating on you right you came home and rose upstairs with a fella right all right yeah you're walking you catch him in the act you stood in the doorway both. Like, you know, like from a sitcom or a film.

What do you do? Punch his lights out first. Well, that's what we all want to do. But there's nothing worse than catching your partner cheating on you and then being beaten up by a naked man who's just shagging your wife. I don't want to approach. Do you know what I mean? I don't want to approach and see them shagging at closer quarters.

He just jumps up with a lob on and you try to punch him and he hits you and as he's he's not gonna hit me surely he's gonna attack him he'll attack back and then before you know you're on the floor getting your lights punched out while a knob just hits you on the arm occasionally be horrible imagine that bearing down on you and also we both know i wouldn't punch his lights out and then i'd storm out yeah and i'd say it would be gentlemanly for them not to finish oh yeah so i well yeah what would you say you storm out you'd storm out wouldn't you i'd storm out i'd dig the house the whole house the whole house no we're gonna sit downstairs when they bang away. Hey, shoot. If you've been caught having an affair, you stop.

You don't go, oh, we've been caught now. Anyway, I might as well finish. Yeah, exactly. In for a penny, in for a pound. I would leave the house. Yeah. Go for coffee somewhere. No, I don't think I'd go for coffee somewhere.

I think that'd be too bleak. You'd go Victoria Park, I think. I don't know. There's a churchyard near me that feels the right mood doesn't it you'd find a bench in the churchyard wouldn't you i'd find a bench in the churchyard like kind of i don't know that's something like mark fowler would do or something in there that's like where they'd set the scene in east enders i don't know what i'd do it's quite a bleak conversation is it really where would you go rob you're on quite your road hasn't

like this is quite residential well i'd probably have to walk to the harvester that that would be the nearest sort of place um i'd probably go to the pub and have a drink which is bad isn't it but i suppose it's sort of a good place to face yourself fair enough i think that'd be fair enough um I think that'd be fair enough. A half. Look, can I have a half of Guinness, please? Why? You'll find out soon. Do you know what?

This phone's going to start blowing up in a minute. For once, just pour the Guinness at a fucking normal speed, mate. I need it. I can't wait for it. I don't care if it's not a proper Guinness. Just fucking pour it into me. Right, should we do different... i've got loads of these different names for grandparents and family members because we said about a few

people do email in if you've got other views on what you do if you caught your partner cheating or if you have caught your partner cheating what did you do what did you do because the way i look at it and i'm talking from a privileged position where my wife hasn't cheated on me. However, I definitely think girlfriends in the past have cheated on me. No proof, but almost definitely. What I'd say is, though, if either of you are cheating, then it's not a very good relationship, really, is it? Deep down, there's a problem there. So maybe if you do have a story about catching your spouse cheating,

then add in the positives that have come from it later down the line. Because I think, you know, it's always, when you're right in the fire, it's horrible. But actually, over time, it was probably for the best. That's how it sort of worked out, isn't it? Did they finish when you caught them? Have you been caught cheating and did you finish? It'd be great to hear it from all three sides.

Yeah. Do you know what? I don't want to throw this out there, but two words, Instagram poll. We will be putting it up. Right. Here we go. Different names for grandparents, family members.

Here we go. Here we go. This is from Anna in Edinburgh. Hi, Josh and Rob. Love the podcast. Obviously, my mum has five grandchildren, including two who are mine, and they all call her Pat-a-cake.

This started when my eldest nephew who decided to call her this as she was she was the one who taught him pata cake pata cake that little rhyme he's now 12 and in his last year of primary school he took her aside on a walk home from school and whispered i'm gonna call you gran from now on oh no because he's 12 obviously he was starting to worry about his street cred. Thanks for the twice weekly free therapy session. Not a problem, Anna. Yeah.

That is... Thanks for the twice weekly free therapy session. Just got over my partner cheating on me and I'm feeling really good about the whole thing. It's just really great to have a mind taken off that. Can't wait to hear the next Correspondence episode. I've been emailing Josh to to tell him that they're my favorite ones what do you call your grandparents uh so i call my granddad granddad i called his his late wife nana yeah she was welsh so that was the kind of right yeah uh, the... I didn't know my grandad, because he died when I was a baby. All right, fucking bring the mood up, mate.

Jesus. Fucking hell, mate. All right, come on, there's people there trying to get through their day. Don't need you fucking bawling on about your trauma. Oi! Grandparents die, OK, Josh? No, no, no, it's quite interesting how he died.

Go on. Are you interested? Yeah, I'm ready. So he died of cancer, right? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. No, I know. Isn't that interesting?

It's the perfect time. No, it's fine. I've had a drink. I was like, let's be respectful, Rob. Have a little drink and let Josh tell his story. Very interesting, actually. Yeah, it was cancer. But he was in the Navy. Right.

And he was one of the people that was at one of the first nuclear testings on Easter Island. Oh, wow. In the boat, like watching it happen. Yeah. And there was various kind of rumours that... Oh, that's what it was from. That's what it was from. Right.

Sorry for laughing. No, but it was funny timing. Yeah, it was just a bad timing. So apologies to any of Josh's family. I knew I was going to make you laugh. I know, you teased me up for that. You saw me sipping. You're going to drop that on me.

Drop that bomb. excuse the pun. But yeah, so apologies to any of Josh's family that thought I was disrespectful. I wasn't disrespectful. I called my gran Gin because her name was Virginia, but everyone called her Gin. Yeah, so I just call my nan Nan. Their others are dead,

but I'm not going to bang on about it like you. Okay. Right, this is called Kids and ghosts a stroke supernatural yeah hello please keep me anonymous i was listening to episode 18 series 3 blimey when you were chatting about whether you believe in ghosts or not and it right i have no memory of that i couldn't tell you what this i don't even feel like this is recorded it's just me and you chatting and then something someone in the street comes up to me and goes, I can't believe you laughed at the way Josh's granddad died.

And I go, pardon? By the way, I love the correspondence episodes. I do love them, yeah. Really helping me after the breakup. It made me remember something that happened when my daughter was three years old. I was getting her ready for bed in her bedroom. I was crouched down with my back to her open bedroom door and I was helping her get her PJ,

getting into her PJs at bedtime. I'm already quite nervous about this. Okay. She was facing me and the open bedroom door. Suddenly, she stops getting dressed, looks around me and says, who's that, ma'am? Oh, God.

Oh, my God. As we're alone in the house, my heart literally jumped out of my... Not literally. Jumped out of my chest in sheer terror. I stood up and slowly turned around, fully expecting to see an intruder standing there. I was terrified.

There wasn't anyone there. With a shaky voice, I said to my daughter, what man? There isn't anyone there, sweetheart. She replied and pointed at the landing. That man there. Oh, God. there oh my fucking god there's three more paragraphs of this

I'm getting all tingly not sexually just my arm's got a bush bump that's actually my fetish that is in truth I can't tell you how fast my heart was racing I just wanted my daughter to stop talking as she was freaking me out I say again that there isn't anyone and she's now looking at me as if i'm completely stupid pointing at the landing and saying in a frustrated tone he's there how old is this kid three after a

few deep breaths i take a look on the landing walk into the bedroom the bathroom and the bedrooms and go downstairs check the door etc and nothing no intruder no break-in no one hiding nothing at all we all know kids have fantastic imaginations, but it was the way she just stopped getting dressed, looked around me and pointed just as if someone was actually standing there.

I've no idea what happened that evening. Uh, oh my God. That's, that's basically the story, Rob. Um.

What's the rest? Well, she says, she makes a joke about it, but it was going to ruin the tension. She says, I've since bought a proton pack, which I found quite amusing.

What's a proton pack? It's from Ghostbusters. Oh, right. Good stuff. But it ruined the tension. But I was just, I was lost in the tension. That is scary, isn't it? Do you feel, Debra, do you reckon the kid's seen a shape or what do you think it is? I don't know.

Is it their imagination or is it a ghost from the past that only a child can see? Or is it that time doesn't exist and as we get older, we just get beaten down by the rhetoric? Actually, there's a deeper world that we're not connecting with. I've literally just checked over my fucking shoulders. Who's the man behind you? Who's that man behind you going upstairs with Rose? Yeah, I suppose if I did find Rose cheating,

I'd first have to check it wasn't a ghost. Or Rose would go, what man? That man? What man? The man there, over you. What man? What are you doing? In that case.

If there's no man there, what the hell are you up to? What kind of sick yoga do you call this? I've got another different name to sing again. I've got this. White lads, growing up, me and my siblings and cousin referred to our grandparents, who were a farmer and a farmer's wife, as Cow-Pa and Grand Moo. Oh, that's quite nice.

Lots of love from Gemma in deepest, darkest Peru. Oh. I don't know if she's on holiday or she's Peruvian, but Gemma there, cow par gran mu. That's quite nice, isn't it? Yeah, I like that. When my son was five, year one, we had a falling out that morning,

probably because I gave him a blue cup and his sister the green. I didn't take him to school that morning. The child minded it. Around 10 a.m. I received a call from safeguarding lead asking if I was alive and well Around 10am, I received a call from the safeguarding lead, asking if I was alive and well. Confused, I asked why. My five-year-old son had told his

friends he stabbed me and killed me that morning because I was a bad mummy. The said child then burst into tears and announced to the class that my son was a murderer. Thanks for this podcast. I've listened since day one. However, I didn't heed your no-shagging March march reminder and i'm now pregnant with number four number four sexy and amazing amy it's just too many isn't it four there's a woman at the school and she's got four and she bakes for the bake sale and stuff and you're like what the fucking hell am i doing with my life

wait i don't get this is people that have time. And I don't know what it is. I don't know if there is enough time and they're just naturally calmer and more chilled and they can do it. They're calmer and more chilled than I am, yeah. And rather than us just sitting there thinking about all the stuff we haven't done, rather than doing something.

Yeah. Blimey, O'Reilly. But there we go. Another different name. Hi, Rob and Josh. I follow on from weird names with grandparents. I think we let you know about my nan. When I was little,

my mum used to take us shopping with her every week and my nan worked in the cigarette counter at tesco that began her name of nanny tesco we have called it since we were children i'm now 36 and even though she hasn't worked in tesco for over 20 years to this day she's still saved in my phone as Nanny Tesco. Keep up the good work. Being super sexual relatable from Subina. That's good. Did you have lots of nicknames at your school? Southeast London, you must have.

Like, weird nicknames that came from just one incident and stuff. What was mine? Well, I think I said it before. I used to be called Bex until Beckham come along and they changed that to just Fat Nipples. Fat Nipples. Yeah, quite to the point. Were they? They thought they were quite fat? Milky Bar just fat nipples. Fat nipples. Yeah, quite to the point. Were they? They thought they were quite fat.

Milky Bar Kid, fat German, fat nipples. Fat German. Just fat German. It's brutal, isn't it? It's horrible. Yeah. Really horrible. But who got the last laugh, eh? Hello both. My dad used to drive us to primary school. This is Boomer.

Drive us to primary school in the 80s he was a plumber straight gas fitter so it was always a bottle of butane gas for his blowtorch rolling about in the boot of the cortina estate in the winter the heating would often break so the way my dad would heat the car would be to drive along while my brother i sat in the front holding a lit blowtorch oh my god not on blue flame, surely. I don't know how none of us died in this setup. Thanks for all the laughs. Lucy Masters in Catford.

You might have driven past her, right? When was this? 90s? 80s. 80s Catford. Different time. A blowtorch. What is it?

Blowtorch. If you crash. Or just dropped it and it fell on your nylon school bag or whatever it was. Yeah. Or dress. Fuck yeah, yeah. I've got another boomer here. Hi, boys.

A friend of mine back in the 90s fancied her ears being pierced. She decided to pierce one side with a pin and use an ice cube to numb it. All was going well until her mum found her. As punishment, this is sadistic, she made her pierce the other one without ice. Fuck off. Not sure what the line is between boomer parenting and child abuse. Make of that what you will. Con regards Elizabeth in York.

Yeah I think that's abuse. Yeah I do. Still, thanks for the email. I hope you're alright. Hi Rob, hi Josh, hi Michael. Thanks for being super sexy and relatable. My 74 year old, this is ghost supernatural. My 74-month-old, so what's that, six, something like that? Daughter Phoebe is incredibly intuitive

and can pick up on people's emotions without ever saying anything. Her memory is off the scale, too. She recently retold her experience of having a tongue tie cut when she was five days, what? Five days old, despite us never having told the story. Anyway, one night, probably a couple of years ago now, I was putting her to bed and she said, Mummy, you know I chose you.

Oh, my God. I don't think I could have this kid in my house. When I asked her what she meant, she simply replied, I was watching you, Daddy, and Connor, who's the brother, for ages, and I knew you needed me. So I decided to choose our family. Freaked me right out. This is a great idea.

That is mental. Freaked me right out at the time. But it's a nice thought, nonetheless. Thanks, Becky. Well, it's a nice thought because you've been picked. But also, she's implying that your life was shit before she came. I saw you two with the boring shit banner. I thought I'd pop down and have a laugh.

Here we go. Kids saying funny wrong things this story comes from my father-in-law when he was driving my four-year-old son archie back to our house normally my son is quite chatty and giggly in the car but during this particular drive home he didn't say a word finally my father-in-law asked are you okay archie you haven't said much aren't you simply replied you know granddad sometimes it's just really nice to sit in the peace and quiet oh yes good it'll be all right yeah it'll be all right it'll be all right she's one of those people five kids bake sale does a bit of volunteer work at the charity shop runs his business, takes all the kids to football down the park. He's all right, Archie. Yeah, good old Archie. All the best, Taylor, 392 months, fair room.

I like this month's thing, but I never can really work it out when it gets above about 50. My friend told me a story. That's not me. This is an email. This is a more tired than Josh email. My friend told me a story about how her friend was so tired she folded the baby's pram up, put it in the car boot, and then got in the car and wondered where the baby was. Oh, no.

Yeah, you're not wrong, Rob. You're not bloody wrong. Folded up in the pram in the boot. The baby was completely fine. Caroline from Teesside. That is fucking amazing. That is awesome. Also, as well, like, obviously the baby was fine

or she wouldn't have emailed in. Here's a funny story. The baby had broken its back in eight places we assume if you're telling the story it's fun because if it's not fine don't tell us the story imagine what that baby's vision is of that thing happening like you're suddenly folded up put in the boots slammed oh he was reset and a minute and then out you come. Must have felt like that astronaut just being left from floating away from the space station. Like Josh in an ibis. And that kid's saying the wrong funny things.

Here we go. Hi, when my son was a toddler, his favourite biscuit was a Jammy Dodger. I bet you're a Jammy Dodger fan, aren't you? Yeah, I like a Jammy Dodger. I had you down as an absolute Dodger fan, aren't you? Yeah, I like a Jammy Dodger. I had you down as an absolute Jammy Dodger fiend. I like it if it's got the extra, like the custard from custard cream, not just the jam, but then the custard around.

I bet you like custard cream and bourbons. I love a custard cream. I'm not that fond of chocolate biscuit, like a bourbon. Right. I like a custard cream. Shortbread. I love a chocolate chip cookie. Do you?

It's a bit American and trendy for you, isn't it? I thought you'd be a bit more old English with the biscuits. I like a shortbread, Rob. Yeah, of course you do, you little crumbly butter bastard. What are you doing? Knocking around with some Oreos? No, not Oreos, but like chunky chocolate chip cookies type thing. Obnob.

I'll obnob it up. Big fan of digestives. Rich tea can fuck off. Okay, Jammie Dodgers. Anyway, so my son was a toddler. His favourite biscuit was Jammie Dodger. He could I'll obnob it up big fan of digestives rich tea can fuck off okay jammy dodgers anyway so my son was a toddler his favourite biscuit was jammy dodger he could not pronounce it properly

and always called them fanny dodgers another one of my nicknames at school so would proceed to go randomly shouting fanny dodger whenever he wanted a biscuit

he's 13 now and he's mortified when we bring it up love the show Xander from Dundee I mean that's gonna shorten the odds of them finding out whenever he wanted a biscuit. He's 13 now and he's mortified when we bring it up. Love the show. Xander from Dundee. I mean, that's going to shorten the odds of them finding out, isn't it? If your dad's called Xander and you live in Dundee.

I mean, there's not many kids it could be, is there? No. Xander. Xander from Dundee. Well, I suppose Alexander's a very Scottish name. Yeah, but there's only two Xanders I know of, which is obviously Xander Armstrong. And wasn't one of the characters in Buffy called Xander?

But posh English is Xander, isn't it? More than Scottish. Scottish would just go with Alexander or Alex, wouldn't they? Right, I've got another one here. Go on, hit me. I was in the garden with my three-year-old twins when my son asked what those flowers were. They were weeds. But he asked what flowers they were.

I said, they're dandelions. He said, but where's the dandy tigers? Still makes me laugh, even though they're 12. Nicola and Fife. I think that's acceptable. I think that's acceptable. Well, no, I think they're called dandelions

because it looks like the mane of a lion. Oh, gosh. You're so perceptive sometimes. A male lion. Patriarchy. Uh. Is the male lion the one with the mane? Yes.

Sorry, are you six? I don't know anything about the natural world. Really? I don't know. I'm just not interested. And my daughter already loves it. Right. So she knows stuff that I don't know.

Oh, actually, the name of the vibrant yellow wildflower dandelion derives from the French dent de lion, meaning lion's tooth. This refers to the jagged shape of the flower's petals. So I was wrong. I'd say it looks more like a mane than its teeth. Yeah, I think I'm going with your answer. Thank you, yeah. Do you know what?

Fuck the French in this instance. Not overall. On the teeth thing and Googling the meaning of something, I had, for the first time in my life, you know the classic dreams that people always talk about i've never had this one before but i had my tooth falling teeth falling out i've had that a few times and apparently it means you're going through a big change really what do you think's happening psychologically you're going for a big change aren't you i think i probably am

yeah do you know if you type in blonde teeth i teeth, if you type in blonde and teeth into Google, I'm the fucking top answer. Why have you done that? Oh, because he was talking about, well, I saw teeth and I remember someone before said, people have been, they messaged me going, if you type in blonde teeth, it's Rob Beckett, but I've never done it.

And yeah, my face pops up. Acaster was playing a game the other day, he told me about where you type in a name and then the word comedian yeah you've only got like a word and you can only type in one word and then the word comedian yeah and you've got to bring up that it's got to bring up one person so for instance if you type in disabled comedian it brings up rosie jones or if you type in blind comedian it brings up chris mccaus, if you type in disabled comedian, it brings up Rosie Jones. Or if you type in blind comedian, it brings up Chris McCausland. If you type in teeth comedian, it brings up Rob Beckett. Right.

Well, if you Google blonde big teeth, it's all me. And then some really sort of dodgy porn sites that are into people that they're into that. So what do you reckon you could get you as, Josh? I don't think you could. Devon comedian? Oh, yes. That'd be Jethro, though, wouldn't it? Yeah, there's various.

Jethro's from fucking Cornwall, mate. Are you fucking joking? Mate, it's the same thing. It's not the same thing. Oh, it is? Well, you come up first on Devon Comedian. Yeah, but there's others. There's Charlie Baker, Miranda Hart.

I just found a picture of you. You look fucking mental. That was a good start. I'm now excited about this. Which one? It looks like, you know, like in sitcoms or films where they find a group of people that look exactly like the main protagonists,

but a bit different. You know what I mean? Like it's sort of like, you can tell what they're trying to do. I'm really worried about this picture. Have you put it on the group yet? No, I've just put it on the book. You just look, your glass is a bit wonky. You've got what they're trying to do. I'm really worried about this picture. Have you put it on the group yet? No, I've just put it on the book. You just look.

You just look. Your glass is a bit wonky. You've got an all good smile. You don't smile with your teeth very often, do you? Oh, my God. And also, let's be honest. I've got quite a lot of timber on me at that point. Although there's this one of you.

I've got a clear double chin. There's this one where your eye... Your glasses are too low for your eyes. What's going on there? We'll put them on. We'll put them on Instagram. Oh my God, what a life. What a life. You look better now

though. I do, don't I? As we've discussed on the live show, I always look worse in photos than you, mate, so don't stress too much. Do not worry. Do you want one more, Rob? Yes. Piece of classic correspondence. Okay.

I'll do a boomer one. I've got a boomer story from the 70s. On a country walk one Sunday, my dad told my sister, who was about eight at the time, that a cow pat was in fact chocolate. Oh, no. Oh.

And he calmly stood there while she chowed down on one before laughing uncontrollably when she spat it out crying her eyes out hysterically he also carefully cut open a lemon sherbet one time and put english mustard in it before delicately balancing it on top of a light shade in the kitchen he told her that if she managed to get it she could have the sweet having a particularly sweet tooth my sister accepted the challenge she was about nine at the time spent the best part of an hour trying to reach the suite by means of balancing chairs,

standing on anything she could find. Triumphantly, she finally got the suite, and then my dad proceeded to laugh his head off while she cried her eyes out, saying her mouth was on fire. He then told her that this was a good life lesson in being greedy, and she'd thank him one day. I know when others on the podcast have often ended boomer stories saying, my dad was a great dad, et cetera, but I'd like to end my story by saying I think my dad was probably an undiagnosed psychopath. Bit of truth.

Bit of truth. Oh, Jesus Christ, that was awful. Keep up the great work. Love the podcast, Gail. Thank you for sharing, Gail. I think it's good to share if you're comfortable with it, and you are, so thank you. Right, small business shout-outs? Yes. I've got an incredibly niche one here which is quite funny hello you sexy and relatable bastards i'd love to do a small business shout out for my sister-in-law

who runs the woof wash wagon a mobile dog grooming van in ellesmere port and flintshire north wales so niche the area sarah is devoted to dogs and has found a real specialism working with nervous dogs who don't like the groomer or for whom a trip in the car to the groomers could be too much she will work at yours and your dog's own pace and despite many owners saying don't worry you won't be able to get it done the dog will be too scared and nervous she has never failed and has always managed to keep the clients happy and healthy as well as looking dapper and smelling fresh the clients being the dogs i assume yeah not the people actually buying her van is fully kitted out with a full-size bath and all the grooming products

and treats you could ever wish for she's on facebook and easy found as woof wash wagon or could be contacted on email woof wash wagon at hotmail.co.uk thanks Pauline tell Lou that pile is nothing she should see my house yes we've we shared the pile recently Josh and we've had some that is just

for people who haven't listened back that is a pile of clothes it's a pile of clean washing that hasn't been sorted out Lou's got haemorrhoids but it is it has been sorted out as you hear it

do you remember the last episode where Lou showed a photo of her haemorrhoids well just tell her don't worry it's really good to share if you've got haemorrhoids or not but anyway woof wash wagon get your dog cleaned if you're in the Ellesmere port or Flintshire North Wales area hi Rob Josh and Michael long time listener first time emailer my husband Rob and I own a campsite in france we moved here four years ago yes the year before covid with our then two-year-old and 12 week old sons in the past four years we've worked tirelessly to renovate and improve the campsite including renovating rental mobile homes building a new bar and restaurant and kitchen and building ourselves

a house wow twin lakes france is a small campsite in rural southwest of France. Surrounded by countryside, we can offer a friendly welcome and a holiday to remember. We have two large fishing lakes, swimming pools, mobile home rentals, camping emplacements, bar, restaurant, and on-site shop.

We have a very child-centered approach to our thinking when it comes to planning, so build a children's play area next to the bar. Oh, yes, please. So both parents can relax while the children make friends and play in a secure playground away from the fishing lakes. We're open April to November and have plenty of music and entertainment nights planned over the summer months.

For more information, you can visit www.twinlakesfrance.com www.twinlakesfrance.com, or twin underscore lakes underscore france on Instagram. Josh, I'll see you on Friday. Yes. Or Tuesday. One of the two. Josh, I'll see you next time.

See you then. Bye. Bye.