Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP46: Jack Whitehall

Episode Date: June 16, 2023

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian and actor - Jack Whitehall. You can get tickets for Jack's new tour show 'Settle Down' here Parenting Hell is available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parents in hell with lily can you say rob beckett good girl and can you say j Beckett? Can you say Rob Beckett? Good girl.

And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Good girl. Well done. Laura. Laura? Yes. Okay.

Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Well done. There we go. Nice. Can I guess where they're from? Surrey. way we've got no knowledge oh okay it's a shame isn't it yeah never mind i'll go over it who is it uh this is my two and a half year old daughter lily uh i didn't see this coming but she is now saying your name's all

the bloody time her baby sister is due in october she's confident that Lily and Daddy have babies in their tummies as well. Oh, that's a bit weird. Bit weird. Oh, they've said that. When she keeps kissing my stomach while sitting in the trolley in Tesco. Love the podcast, guys. Thanks for keeping me sane on my journeys to work. Cheers.

Jamie. Is Jamie sat in the trolley? Is that the problem? The way he's written that is he's sat in the trolley with a big belly and he's thought of kissing it. Bit weird. When she's kissing my stomach while sitting in the trolley in Tesco. Yes, he is. Yes, Jamie's sat in the trolley with a big belly and he's thought of kissing her. When she's kissing my stomach while sitting in the trolley in Tesco. Yes, he is.

Yes, Jamie has sat in the trolley. Okay. Ten minutes, Rob. Quick ten. Quick ten. How are you? You good? Shall I tell you about going to a wedding sober?

Yes, because this is in preparation of you going to class three, which will be next week. Yeah. So, positives and negatives to report go on um now obviously rose has done this when she was pregnant and i uh i'd say obviously there's always pregnant people at a wedding who have to do this even though they normally drink and i'd say is uh it is tough for them uh Well, the pregnant people. The pregnant people, generally.

Well, the problem is probably in a non-drink. Let me be clear about this. This is also magical. Yeah. So, yeah, look, I won't say the look Lou had in her eye when she was pregnant was magical. No. I would say there was some, she did look possessed.

Yeah. There was some sort of dark spiritually sort of. Black magic. Yeah, black magic. Hocus pocus kind of stuff. Yeah. There was some sort of dark, spiritual, spiritual, black magic. Yeah. Hocus pocus kind of stuff. Yeah. She was under the spell of something. So the night before they had people sleeping there and all that kind of,

you know, country manner kind of thing. There was a pub quiz. Do I know who got married? Uh, you probably work with him. Danny Carr, who produces the last leg.

Oh yes. I know Danny. Yeah. He does podcast. He's, he's produced this, isn Carr, who produces The Last Leg. Oh, yes, I know Danny, yeah. He does a few podcasts. He produces, doesn't he? Yeah. Lovely guy. Danny and Lucy, who you might have met through SheWorksAndTV. I don't know whether you've ever seen him.

No, whenever I've seen him, he's always been with a woman called Monica. Strange. So. That is a joke, by the way. The night before. Congratulations on your marriage. Do you know what? It was easy not to drink the night before yep and uh then the day in the morning it was okay and

then i was staying the same uh the morning it was okay the morning i was fine but my favorite drink rob of all time is the drink before the wedding the exciting drink before the wedding yes that is a good drink that is an anticipation drink so you do sound like somebody who's really missing it no i'm i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine okay sorry uh fine alex brooker was staying in the same place as us so we drove to tesco because we were gonna have we were like we'll just have a a, I bought, I bought a bottle of, um, bottle of schlor. Schlor, is it? Schlor. Schlor, is it schlor?

I think it's schlor, not schlor. Yeah. Schlor. That's like an American saying coleslaw. So then we, um, we went to wedding. He'd had his rosé. I'd had my schlor. Um, the thing you find out, Rob, is no one gives a fuck.

No one gives. You think everyone's going to be worried about this. Everyone's going to think this is no one gives a fuck. You think, everyone's going to be worried about this. Everyone's going to think this is going to ruin the wedding. Everyone will be going, but Josh is no fun. I said this to Rose. No one cares about you, Josh. If I'll be as much of a laugh without a drink.

She said, you're always a fucking nightmare. What, if you have a drink? Yeah. So they're actually relieved that you're not having a drink? It turns out I'm not the life and soul of the party that I thought I was, Rob. No one gives a fuck, mate. Not even with your drinking or not, what you're wearing. People get so stressed about what they're wearing to a wedding.

No one cares. They're only worried about what they're wearing. And what they're drinking. I had a lovely time. It was totally fine. 6pm. Totally fine totally fine i know i had a really fun time how was the wedding totally fine actually you spent six months planning it and thousands of pounds on it but i found it fine so i would have probably in the afternoon but then at 6 p.m rob i had a coffee and I absolutely accelerated into the evening. I was fucking buzzing. And get this, I was on the dance floor, absolutely going for it.

That's good. Sober, loving it. Absolutely smashed it with my dancing. Had a great time. Was you a dancer when you drunk? Yeah, I was, but not really. I'd never really, you know, this was out of nowhere. I'm not a dancer.

No, never done. Get yourself a coffee down here at 6. PM. Mate, you'll be absolutely bouncing off the walls. So, well,

cause we actually gave, we had caffeine tablets at my wedding that we gave out to people that were flagging around eight, nine o'clock. And then people end up staying till like four in the morning. Exactly. Exactly. They're not caffeine tablets.

You're giving out Rob. They were, they were, they were caffeine tablets. They're what Arsene Wenger gave all the Arsenal players when he first arrived into the UK. Exactly. Exactly. They're not caffeine tablets you're giving out, Rob. They were. They were caffeine tablets. They're what Arsene Wenger gave all the Arsenal players when he first arrived into the UK.

I know, mate. Not the exact ones from 1996. Ray Parlour hadn't shat it out. He's probably the kind of person who would have put it up his arse for extra effect. Yeah, a bit of fun.

Did you do it again? Not me, Gaffer. See you later. Au revoir. Anyway anyway there's the positives had a great time the negatives come 12 p.m i was the designated driver rob right okay who you dropping off i didn't have a car oh so i had to borrow i was insured obviously on my friends she had a porsche i've never driven a porsche sports car before because i'm not a complete wanker oh you're gonna really alienate all our porsche drivers oh come on guys

grow up i had to do three separate journeys with the porsche i was like i was ferrying people forward and back to the venue like how many seats in the Porsche? Well, I can send you a picture of trying to get someone in the back of a Porsche. So you're just ferrying people back and forward? Just ferrying people back and forth. I think that's a bit out of order. So this is what it's like to be in the back of a Porsche. Whose foot's that?

That's the person in the back. Is that Rose with her head in her hand? No, that's his wife. So that's the person in the back and that's his wife. His foot looks broken coming through the middle. Surely there was a better car to use for this. No, because no one else had driven. She'd driven, so I had to drop her home.

How far? It was like a five minutes each way drive. What, to the hotel from the venue? To where we were staying. Oh, okay, that's fine. Yeah. And there was a police car also on this road that was sat there

the whole time. And I thought, they're going to pick me up in a minute. I bet you loved that. This Porsche going forward and back in the middle of rural Wales

on a Saturday night or one. You set it off for your caffeine intake. Yeah. God, I hope the breathalyzer doesn't bloody well

clock my latte. It was well done there, Josh. And there was, I imagine, no kids at this wedding. This was a kid-free wedding. Kid-free wedding. So I'd say it was a huge success.

Huge success. Way better than I thought it was going to be. Oh, that's... So you're going to have coffee at Glastonbury? I'm just going to coffee it up before the Arctic monkeys, mate. I hope Alex Turner has a coffee as well. I've been seeing some of the videos. He sort of sings quite slow now, doesn't he?

On a mirror ball. Wicked. Any other news report or should we bring on our guest? We've done our 10 minutes, Rob. We've done our contractual advice. Stop saying it like that. Sorry. Also, we've got such a big guest on today. Yes, we don't eat up time. It would be mad to do

any more. Hollywood. Hollywood guest. Hollywood guest. He's assumed to be dad. Not a dad yet a dad yet yeah they saw a new thing isn't it it worked with sean walsh so well the before and after yeah start doing it that's a very good way to do it um we need to get some uh expecting mums on as well because i'm trying to i'm trying to bag a skull up more fat right okay that's a good one what she said yes and then i asked for a phone number and she didn't reply um we will follow her up and we'll get her on. But this is Jack Whitehall, who is currently on a huge UK tour.

You can see him all over the place. I see him all over the bloody shop. Very funny man, and enjoy. Welcome to the podcast, Dad-to-be, Jack Whitehall. Wow, Dad-to-be. Dad-to-be. You were 18 when you, you know, it was only yesterday. Jack Whitehall. Wow. Dad to be. Dad to be. You were 18 when you, you know, it was only yesterday you were hosting Big Brother's Little Mouth,

isn't it? Or Big Mouth? Little Brother's Big Mouth. No, Big Brother's Big Mouth. Something like that. Little Brother's Big Mouth. Little Brother's Big Mouth. Big Brother's.

I'm even an old people's home. Because how quickly it happens you just don't know anything about dads and making lame jokes do you know what it is though your brain your brain runs out of capacity because you know like how busy and stressful like stuff is like admin wires like you know you've got to log in for this you've got everything needs an account doesn't it these days whether you buy like a, you've got to have your login for this. Everything needs an account, doesn't it, these days? Whether you buy a smart, you've got a smartwatch or a Fitbit or whatever. Here it is, a captain 60-year-old. No, everything needs a bloody password these days, doesn't it?

No. But that's fine because you can sort of manage that. But when you have kids, they're too young to understand all that. So then you're operating, like, I've got two kids. I need to know three passwords for everything. So my daughter's Fitbit weren't working and it was like, i was like why is your daughter got a fitbit she wanted a fitbit mate i'm not like cracking a whip like come on get a move on 10 000 steps so you're not having your dinner yeah that that whole administrative side is absolutely terrifying because i just i haven't got there yet with myself yeah that's the worst bit for me the i i can do the the hard yards of the graft i'm own obviously

but the the admin side as they get a bit older that's what i'm staring at that they want an ipad and they've got to have an icloud account and all that shit i i i realized that my my problem is i and i'm not blaming other people but i'm not blaming other people is that I think I was just like it's institutionalised like I went from nannies to boarding school to like university then straight to Big Brothers

Big Mouth and then Flame and then there was literally no room in any of that to like actually become a fully functioning grown up and learn about. Are you Britain's Macaulay Culkin? I am. You're a child star.

I have the toxic parents that have been pulling my bank account. Do you know what? I do need to mention your parents because they cornered me me at the chelsea flower show to say how angry they are they haven't been on the podcast do you do you think we should be getting them on jack i mean not only am i aware of that but i'm aware of it because my mom called me this morning no she sorry she texted me she said please can you call me? Now, whenever she does that, this is really morbid, but I'm like, that's dead. So I call her straight back

and she goes, apparently you're doing the parenting help podcast. Well, we were going to be on that, but they bumped us, probably for you. And I'm getting a load of earache about how I got in there first on the parenting help podcast. I was like, I thought daddy was dead. Don't expect me like that. That's why we didn't book was like I thought daddy was dead like don't expect me like that

that's why we didn't book them we thought he was dead as well anyway and that was the clue is that the next one was before the podcast if possible before

so they could get a mention but we'll have to get them on we'll get them on we'll get them on so yeah so when's the baby due? Baby's due. Well, here's the weird thing.

The nurse got all shifty about the due date, and then I couldn't work out why, and then she was like, yeah, so the due date is going to be sometime between the 10th of September and the 12th of September. And I was like, there's a date in the middle there that you don't want to take for something.

We're pretty certain that the baby's due date is 9- but so september so what's it now what are we in now do you like you got off yeah so you got a few months yeah are you prepping in your mind or are you it's not happening in your mind yeah yeah some days like it's very real and there is like you know i actively engage with it and then other days it just feels like this sort of abstract notion that is going to happen at some point in the future yeah i flip between the two of those on a daily basis um but yeah i mean i'm probably going to start like baby proofing you'll be all right for a bit they don't move for a little while the baby proofing is more when after about six months to no after about after about, you know, about a year.

When they're crawling and walking. Information that I would probably know if I'd read like a single book. Oh, don't bother reading a book. That's a fucking waste of time, mate. Apart from parenting hell, the book. Oh yeah, that's good. That's good.

So you're on tour at the moment. So is this why you're getting, you're doing the tour now so that, because there's normally a couple of years between tours, so that you can go back out and tour so you're not missing the baby stage. Yeah, let's go with that. Or just complete a happy accident. Not that the tour was put on and then the pregnancy occurred

and I realised that I was going to be on tour right up until she bobbed. So when's the tour finish? I've got a couple of dates in august which are a little bit dodgy uh but i'm yeah so i'm doing i finish in the uk in july and then i do something like canada and america and in august and that's all right that'll be all right they feel a bit risky well they normally go over babies the first babies are normally late than early yeah did you know that i'm very much i'm i'm sort of planning on that being the kids fingers crossed fingers crossed because you won't be able to fly either so she wouldn't be able to be with you no because they can't fly after a

certain stage yeah yeah have you bought stuff um we bought like there's something there's something upstairs we also we have a tram already there's something up there it's like a thing it's called a quick cuddle cradle something today and that arrived and i was like what's this and she's like it's for your baby i was like oh yes yes the baby of course the cuddle cradle thing what's it called cuddle cradle you don't know what it's called we've had a pram in our uh in our hall for the last like six months which everyone's assumed was the baby's pram and this was before we'd even told anyone that we were having a baby so we're like oh you expect him we were like no no no um that pram is actually the dog's pram because our dog um had the was spayed

and uh so roxy bought a pram for the dog to walk the dog back from the vet which is like literally five minutes down the road and like the dog couldn't walk for like two days but she was like we need to get a pram so the dog has its own pram so there is a dog's pram in the hall which we've had and i don't know whether that can be repurposed as a baby's pram is it a specific dog pram i actually don't know but we also have a dog papoose already fuck off a dog papoose there's a dog no there's not puppy which there's like a picture of me with the dog in the papoose which is just the most emasculating image that i've oh my god as pierce morgan seen that he'd have a field day with that not like that it would be very triggering for peers but

yeah we have a lot of like sort of dog baby accoutrements and i don't know whether any of them can be you know like re for a baby but what kind of dog what kind of dog have you got um one of the ones that looks like it came out of kinder surprise um it's like it's a cavapoo so right i've just Googled it, and it's one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen. Have you personally worn it? Have I worn it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, if you've got a papoose, why do you need a pram for a dog? Well, it grew out of the papoose. Prams don't get the papoose forever. You know. Are you worried about how the dog's going to react to the baby? Extremely, yeah. The dog is very protective, especially of, like, Roxy,

and gets very jealous. I'm worried about what that's going to be like once the baby comes along. You could give the dog attention. That's the way you can... That's what Rob did. Not Rob, sorry, someone else we talked to. What you did, Rob.

Sean Walsh. Sean Walsh did. Is it your dog or is it Roxy's dog? Whose is it is it your dog or roxy's dog oh it's our dog yeah yeah a combined dog was that about a baby tester it was it was such a baby tester and it was like it genuinely trained me up and look the reality is it it definitely did the job because you know i i don't know whether i was necessarily in the head space to think about having a kid and I was definitely not like a dog person at all either really and she was like I really want a dog I think it'd be great and she bought this dog and I was like fine

it's ridiculous and it'll make you happy and then we got the dog and and then it slowly began to thaw me and I was like oh I actually really like this dog and it's really sweet night sleeps on the bed and oh actually with it and i'm like oh god yeah it's it's like breaking me down my my icy heart is melting and yeah before you know it we're having a kid and it's a very good step if you want to train up your man well it wouldn't work with you rob because you've got a dog that you hate haven't you i don't hate my dog i've got a dog jack but i for me it's all dog it's a whip it it's a whip it lovely great dog i love watching him run yeah because he's away from you that's what you like you're like just not a big fan when he comes back um you're not taking him to professionally run. Well, I think I could. He's well fast. I nearly said he's like a whippet, but yeah, he is a whippet.

I've never had a whippet to say, you know, it's always... He's like a whippet. He is a whippet, Rob. Well, we've got a cat as well, but the dog and the cat don't get on, but we've moved now. Historically, they've never been great bedfellows. If I know anything about dogs and cats the cat the cat is now a farm cat what it's basically don't come back in he just lives he just

lives outside now he doesn't want to come in we just have to bring it we just put his food outside now and he's just basically come feral is that okay is that allowed because they said you're supposed to keep your cat in for three weeks. It just darted out straight away. So now I've got a cat, but he's never in my house. So is it really my cat? Are you sure? Have you seen him? Yeah, he comes every night.

I don't see him all day. And then at night he pops in. He stands at the door. We open the door. Refuses to come in. Then I'll pop a bit of food out for him. He eats it and walks back into the woods. Oh, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

He seems to like it. Are there any actual predators in your area that you've learned about? Nigel Farage lives near. What colour is your cat? He's a ginger cat. You'll be alright then. I think you'll be alright. Yeah, he don't mind gingers, does he?

They weren't on the poster, were they? Leading up to breakfast of ginger people queuing. They're not taking our jobs. Jack, I was going to say as well at the moment, you look unbelievable. I'd say you're in, the hair is on point. And I think you're in the shape of your life leading up to having a child.

So I think it'll be an interesting experiment, a bit like Tony Blair before he became prime minister, to see what kind of effect and drop-off being a dad will have on you. How do you deal with sleep? How do you deal with tiredness? Because we all remember how ripped Tony Blair was. Fucking hell, that boy. Great cheese on those abs in the 97 election.

Black hair, no grey at all. He looked great. Yeah, that is definitely something that I'm sort of conscious of, is that I feel like i will slip into maybe some dad bod territory in the early yeah and i'm quite looking forward to that um just giving up boring and annoying to have to try and maintain some kind of shape and i only really do it if i have to be on screen if i'm doing a tv show or film or something yeah especially if i like you know that i have to

take my kit off i'm like well probably be like good to try and make my body look slightly less grotesque did you take your top off for the dog film clifford the big red dog did you take your top off no not in that one i was gonna say that That's the only one where I haven't taken my kit off because I guess it's a children's film and they didn't want to scare the kid. I get naked. The last thing I did, there was a lot of

nudity in it. What's that like as an experience, like filming those scenes? This was the first one as well where in the character description when i got the part it said he pulls off his shirt to reveal rippling abs i read that and i was like well clearly they wanted someone else for this part and it's gone through a couple of different iterations and they've landed at me which it turned out i think it had originally

gone to like kit harrington or someone that had the abs already and yet unable to do it so then it found its way to me but i was like i was quite i was quite like i don't know like stubborn on this occasion i was like i'm gonna do it do you know what i'm gonna because they could rewrite that and they could change that stage direction which i've had before as well where i've been cast and then i've reread the script and and references to muscles have been removed from the script. It was an awful moment. And we just went through it and pruned it. Because there's no hope. If you're going to the gym and put on any muscle mass.

This skinny little pale loser jumps in there. Oh, no. I genuinely had this. This tiny cocked prick jumps in there. Tiny cocked prick. My agent sent me a pot once in his head. This part, oh, it's great, Jack. And it's honestly, it's like it was written for you.

And I read it. And this character description was Schemo, a measly and pathetic heroin addict. I was like, what? Oh, you're quiet. I'm like, what? Heroin addict. And it was quite quick off the back of that that I got this one that said rippling abs so i'm

gonna do it so i went to the gym like every day for like months and didn't eat a carb for fucking what felt like ever and even after that like i didn't get abs i just like lost the tire around my gut and i was like this is just so boring and also then they were like you can get a body double if you want yeah we'll just shoot everything with a body double because it's only going to be from the neck down the shots where we see the abs i was like fucking could have told me that before i didn't like toast for two months it's horrible didn't eat toast the old no toast diet anyway i think i'm just gonna eat toast and i'm gonna enjoy like and i can't wait to eat like not probably not baby's food but like when they get a little bit older

like eating fish fingers and like tea time and like gorging and like embracing the dad bod and then fuck it if i get a part where they're like you need rippling abs just get someone else in and shoot him from the neck down exactly also cgi but all this shit that they can do in a marvel film like you make people fly and put aliens heads on people put some abs on me it's like it's so it's so a couple of dots on my gut and then ads um jack i wanted to ask about the you had a nanny growing up, right? And bald in school. So what are you thinking for your kid?

Is it, are you going to follow the trend of your family or are you going to, what's your plan? I don't know. With, you know, me and my girlfriend are from very different backgrounds. I'm obviously nannies in boarding school and all of that nonsense. We should get her parents on to really fuck your parents off that would be the outcome

let's get Roxy and then Roxy's parents and then the dog and then potentially your parents we'll end with that whip it chat yeah how are they? Roxy wasn't nannies in boarding school what age did you go to boarding school? I went at 10.

I had an all right time there because my brothers and sisters were there as well and made lots of mates and it was fine. But I don't know. I have quite conflicting views about it. I think right now the idea of it sort of slightly disconcerts me. And I know it definitely disconcerts Roxy.

So we're probably not going to find out. but i'm not ruling it out i mean if the child's a real shit they can go at six man there's a really nice one in the north of yorkshire and see it again in three three months i went to one where i was like i basically i went to boarding school and i was back like every weekend and then they would come down and take me out for the weekend. And I would see my parents all of the time. And I was like an hour down the road. My dad went to one in the sixties where they literally just dropped her off

at the train station. And he got on a train to Ampleforth in Yorkshire. And then he didn't see his parents again for three months. It was insane. And he had his brother there as well. So I was like, well, that must have been comfort that your brother was like no no my brother didn't want to talk to me like whenever i came up to him trying to like have a word with him he pretended that he didn't know me because he was embarrassed that i was there i was like that's nice that's nice it doesn't

seem to have affected him though does it it doesn't seem to have an impact on Michael Wilde he's so great with his emotions he's so gentle gentle is that their first grandchild? no they have a grandchild already and how much are you going to be using them as babysitters? so my mum is a doula

so she's unbelievable with kids and it's so like almost a doula? what's a doula and it's so like almost a doula oh sorry yeah a doula what's a doula it's like a kind of nanny isn't it yeah it's like a sort of it's like a cross between a nanny and a midwife right what say um the people come and live in your house an au pair au pair what's an au pair an au pair is usually from abroad and they're they're kind of paid a lot less in exchange for kind of they get to live in accommodation is that right they're the ones that always end up having the affair with the husband and then that yeah i remember now that's why we can't make money when

you sell the stories in the sub yeah so a doula's like a nanny but a midwife so like more medically trained nanny right okay so your mom's gonna be bang on it she's gonna be bang on it yeah she's been doing the delivery you can get on with your in-laws we don't want one taking something out your vagina no no i mean i love theresa but i wouldn't want her to remove something from me surely rob if you've got something stuck in your dick and the only option was theresa removed it would you say you you're trapped yeah you've got like something trapped in your dick uh like a bramble yeah i was gonna go for like a small miniature stapler okay a small miniature stapler in your dick or three m&ms yeah and yeah your hands are

tied down so you can't get them yeah and theresa's there and she says do you want me to get them out and and and they either stay there forever or my mother-in-law removes three m&ms from my penis yeah i've got three m&ms in my penis now you couldn't just say like turn the lights off and they're like peanut ones or just chocolate makes it worse doesn't it weirdly saying out loud turn the lights off anything even

creepier I mean she actually to be fair she was a nurse my mother-in-law so she would be able to do it

pretty well I assume that's why Josh had suggested it we didn't know that Teresa was a nurse

I didn't know Teresa was a nurse can we stop't know Teresa was a nurse I didn't know Teresa was a nurse can we stop talking about Teresa we should get her on before we get Jack's parents on just the list so you think your mum's going to be a huge amount of help yeah I think she will be very very helpful

my dad is a little bit more hands off he's quite affectionate with his granddaughter So you think your mum's going to be a huge amount of help? Yeah, I think she will be very, very helpful. My dad is a little bit more hands-off. He's quite affectionate with his granddaughter. It's quite funny seeing them together. He does the little voices and is very pretty, which is very strange. Like this weird side Tim comes out that you don't really see very often. I presume when you were growing up, your dad was the authority figure

and your mum was the kind of kinder figure. Do you think that that that's where do you think you're going to fall on that scale yeah i feel like roxy will be better at like discipline and things like that i feel like i will let a lot go um i think i'll i mean i suspect even once the baby comes will be this sort of frustrating peter pan figure i get the impression you've not thought about it at all jack apart from the headline i'm giving that am i giving that your headline is i'm having a baby and you've read not even like the first paragraph of the story it's just i'm having a baby and it's coming in september the worst thing anyone could tell me is that you don't need to

read the books and it'll all be fine like that's the worst thing anyone could tell me is that you don't need to read the books and it'll all be fine. Like that's the worst thing to tell someone because I can take that, even if it's from a fuckwit. And I look at them and I'm like, wait, you've never even had a kid. Yours is the advice that I'm taking. Not all of the other parents that I've spoken to and the sage advice that I've been given from people that actually have like collected wisdom

and shared experience i'm like no i'll take that one thing that someone said to me yeah you don't need to do it and your dad was older when was your dad older when he had you he was ancient he was like 50 50 yeah how old's your dad now yeah yeah he's he's 73 behind me my dad's 80 next next year and it is weird it's weird when you've got an older dad like you just at school you when they're so much older than all the other dads and i don't know if you had it but i'd used to be really worried that i just thought because when you're 11 and your dad's like 60 which you know 50 or 60 you're just like oh you constantly just think your dad's gonna die at any point and it's horrible and it's really stressful and then you know you get to like i'm nearly 40

and he's still knocking about and i think that was a waste of time he's taking a piss now i always because i always thought that i would be an old dad i always assumed just because that was like my my experience that i would also then wait and be like in my 50s or 60s and be oh even older i mean in pacino and robert de niro knocking them out in the right you can really like hold your nerve but yeah i never thought i'd be i mean like am i a young dad no i'm just like a normal age dad but more active than my dad my dad did nothing he was because he's i mean i think he wouldn't have done much even if he was younger but like all the sport and like anything active camping trips all of that was all my mom my mom used to take us on

camping trips and my dad would come with us and he would stay in a hotel down the road my dad my mom used to do that we went camping once my mum drove home 20 minutes to have a shower and then went back and then came back to the campsite have you been camping rob with your kids i just don't think we're ever gonna go i just don't and i hated it i hated camping did you yeah awful we went camping to solcombe when we were kids and we arrived my mum my dad had intended to stay with us and he was he said i'm gonna do it this time because my mom had been nagging him and then he walked onto the campsite uh he took one look at the lavatory facilities and he literally about

turned and walked out and checked himself into a hotel down the road and actually like it was honestly of all of the holidays that we had as kids was the most harmonious it was great because we could get in and get out of his madness like just see him for dinner and have a little bit of him and then go out to the campsite and like have fun and i'll be under his like watchful gaze or glare and uh but then i remember that there was some uh consternation when my sister molly uh had a little bit of a holiday dalliance with a local lat called roy uh who who family ran the um uh camping site and he lived in a caravan on the campsite me and my brother took great delight in relaying that to my dad well you feel like you're gonna be a totally different dad

because you're so much you're much more chilled and silly where your dad's obviously quite stern and sort of strict and serious like what from what your parents how they parented what do you think you're going to take from them and what are you not going to do yeah i mean i think i take yeah i definitely take a bit from both of my mom was like very she's like gung-ho and adventurous and says yes to everything she's so sociable she like was always encouraging us to be sociable and giving giving us like confidence to to kind of do things and going on like wanting to do like adventurous holidays and being really active and then he was like much more kind of like I don't know just like reserved and a little bit

stricter and I think somewhere in between is probably a happier place to arrive at like they're both quite they're both extremes and I say I'll probably like fall somewhere in between those two um but like I mean I definitely like one thing I'm like very conscious of is like wanting to be a little bit more like present and I don't know I just work a lot and I feel like I'm really keen to to make sure that like especially in those early months that I'm there and I'm around and I'm not like distracted and I know what I'll do because I can just like I'm gonna I'll I don't know write this script and I'll do another series of this or whatever and I could just cram my diary the minute it gets empty and I'm like just fucking leave it just for once just leave it that's the one thing that I'm really like

keen to do and make sure that I'm like there and enjoying it what have you got after the tour then what's coming up I did this film is I mean it's not one of the great works of art called uh Mother's Day which is um like a Gary Marshall film where he did Valentine's day, New Year's day, and then he did mother's day. And, uh, that was again, that was a part that was genuinely written for me because I read it and it was like English standup comedian. I think I can probably do that. Uh, and, uh, the storyline was that my character had a baby and he was entering into a standup comedy competition. And then at the last minute, like the babysitter pulls baby and he was entering into a stand-up comedy competition and then at the last minute like the babysitter pulls out and he has to take the baby to the comedy club and he

goes up on stage and does a set with a baby in a papoose on his chest and so uh I had to do that and then in the script there was this whole sequence where halfway through the set the baby shows itself and I have to take the baby out of the papoose and change its nappy whilst i'm doing stand-up comedy it was was it a real baby when you did it a real baby it was twins so it's like stage one twins so they'd swap them in and out and how was that with the baby it was well the weird bit was that i arrived there and like firstly i had to like write this fake stand-up set about having become a dad which I should probably dig out because now I could probably use some of the jokes to go up and try it as well because I wanted it to obviously work as like a stand-up routine go up in comedy clubs and like road test it and everyone would be like why is Jack pretending to

have a child and like none of the jokes made sense but i wanted to like just make sure that they sort of like you know were landing so that that was weird and also again completely pointless because then on the day i went and did the jokes and there was like a first ad standing there in front of this audience that was made up entirely of extras going laugh laugh that was pointless have you got him on tour he'd be great i was like can you come with me peterborough on a tuesday night um and then yeah so i had to go and practice changing a nappy and so they said well we go around to the stage mom's house and she'll give you a sort of lesson so i arrived at this woman's house i'd never met before went in a little bit of small talk and then got to it just started changing shitty nappies and got like this like you know crash course in how to

change a nappy and became i was quite good at it by the end and nailed it on the day with a take that i had to do whip the baby's legs up got the nappy off chucked it off whilst doing one-liners to an audience full of terrified extras that were being and uh yeah went through all of that and then watched the film and they cut the entire sequence i was like great so i just changed a child's shitty nappy and learned to do that skill for no reason whatsoever although now now now it's gonna do you think you could do it now if it came to it today it's like the bit with the legs and the i think i could a bit with the legs like pulling m&ms out of a cock it's a skill that you never lose what's not as well if the kids go why did that man come and change our nappies when we were younger

oh it's for a film can i see the film film? No, it doesn't exist. Okay. It was cut from the film. So there's no proof that there was a reason for this. Just Jack Watt will come and wipe my ass five times and then left. Oh, dear. It feels like that might come back to haunt me. Did you have to wait around for him to shit? No, but I seem to remember, like, I think the intention, or certainly in my head,

was that I was not going to be changing a full nappy. But when I arrived, she very excitedly told me that one of them had a loaded nappy. Hello! Do you think you'll become one of those stand-up comedians that I didn't think I'd be, and I'm not sure whether you did, Rob. I thought, I'm never going to talk about being a dad. I just can't see it being part of my career.

And now, obviously, here I am. Do you think you're going to, this is your last tour where you're not going to be talking about nappies and doulas? It's hard. It's impossible not to, though, isn't it? Because it's just like become such a dominant part of your life. And with a dad, you'll just like take anything you can as a source of material.

So I don't know. This tour definitely feels like it's the last tour of me. I don't know. There's a couple of anecdotes that I do about fucking idiotic stories of drunken hijinks. And then I just stop myself halfway through and I'm like, wow, this has got to stop. It just feels like it's going to get so tragic very quick.

I need to just get these out of my system now because I can't be coming on here as a dad in my mid-30s and telling stories like this. But yeah, it feels like quite a transitional show. Shall I Steve-write the dates, Rob? I'll do it at the end. I'll do it at the end. Some of the dates, you know you say... Steve-write them now.

You can't stop filling your diary so you're doing 13th and 14th of June in Brighton and 15th of June then the 16th you go to Bournemouth where you do an early show

and an evening show yeah then you do Leeds the next day Leeds the day after Glasgow the day after that Sheffield the day after that Manchester the day after that

Nottingham the day after that you haven't got a day off yeah but then Newcastle the day after that Manchester the day after that Liverpool the day after that nottingham the day after that you haven't got a day off yeah but you cross the day after that manchester day after that liverpool the day after that and then after no no and then i fly to la to do the premiere of the after party and then i fly from la to las vegas and i do the wind casino in las vegas and then i fly from las vegas to cardiff to do cardiff on the tuesday night then you do Cardiff, then you do Nottingham the night after, Thursday night

off, then Birmingham, Birmingham, Cardiff, back to Cardiff, Cardiff again, then the next night and I'm glad you fit this in, Landidno. Landidno. Come on, Landidno. Why is Landidno in there? Where's that come from?

I had three days off and then i was like i think i want to like not stop doing the show for three days because i'm recording my special on the friday so i was like just get me some theater shows so i can start like tweaking it and getting it ready for you've done it you've done about 60 nights in a row already jack i know but like you can't do that and then i'll have to start tweaking it and so i don't know i but like, if you don't know, come in and say, you can't do that, and then I'll have to start tweaking it. And so, I don't know. I just like, I wanted to stay match fit. So you're filming Landon, no, York and Wolverhampton.

And then you're filming at the O2 on Friday, the 14th of July. Yeah, it was a toss up between Landon, no, and the O2 for the special. Yeah. They pushed for the O2. Landon's, no. Three nights at the O2 to finish, and then two nights at the o2 to finish and then two nights at the edinburgh festival yeah yeah i had a load of jokes about um living at home and like how when i was living at home with my parents like having sex when you're in the same house as your parents is really fraught and i used to love doing that routine it was great and then i was like oh my

god that's gonna work with the same thing as having a baby in the house and having to have sex yeah baby i'm like i can polish off some of that classic 2015 bands that's the that's the problem as well like because we've both got dads that are older that had kids in like late 40s and 50s is that everyone thinks their parents don't have sex anymore and you sort of like to think oh they probably don't have sex anymore whatever you know like as they get older old people don't have sex but you know if your dad's having kids at 50 they're still banging at 80 that's just it's just some people are built different i didn't think my dad was having sex until i spoke to him until i spoke to him about the coronation and heard the way in which he spoke about petty morden walking down that abbey with the sword and i thought me he probably

had sex with my mother that night. Honestly, I've never heard a man so excited. He was like palpably frothing with excitement. And I was like, oh my God, my poor mum that night. Your mum being forced to hold a sword. A makeshift sword he'd ordered from Amazon Prime. Hillary, turn off the lights and put on zadok the priest there are m&ms down there release them those are kidney stones

so um when we had sean walsh on before he had a kid we asked him a few questions um that we thought we'd then play him back the next time he had something to promote so he came on so jack how do you think you'll deal with this the lack of sleep i think i will be fine with the lack of sleep because i am one of those annoying people that can sleep anywhere, like any time of day. Like I can sleep now. Like I can sleep standing up.

I can sleep on a train. I can sleep. And you sleep with your eyes open as well, don't you? My eyes open. Always ready. Always ready. I could be sleeping now. We've had a couple of guests where it's borderline, haven't we, Rob?

Yeah, I think so. I'm confident and I'm really making my colours to the master, but I think I'm going to be fine with the sleep thing. That's such a skill to be able to do that. I've had to learn to do that in cars when you get somewhere. Like if it's busy, you get in a car and I can immediately nod off. I'm a real mouth breather as well. So whenever I do sleep, it's like eye opening.

Yeah. A lot of it for catching flies. Yeah, I do that like noise. How do you sort of half wake up and then like the Uber driver's like looking at you in the mirror? What do you think the most difficult thing will be then about becoming a new parent? I think probably the discipline aspect of it. Not like being sensible and making sort of smart decisions. I feel like I would just be like, yeah, go on, do whatever you want and eat at McDonald's every day.

I love McDonald's. It's great. You probably can't do that. Just a look things like that just like giving the kid the phone like i feel like i would be that i'll be like yeah yeah watch whatever you want i was i'm i was so judgmental of people like that before i had kids and now it's two ipads out at the dinner table. 100% on holiday. 100%. Ideally, four iPads out at the dinner table. So, no, even the adults don't have to talk. Taking your baby to a festival.

Oh, no, I haven't done that. I don't see the point. Yeah, it looks a bit weird, but then I do really like festivals. But then again... You're not at a festival if you've got your baby. It's like, would you go to a festival if you'd just broke your leg and you was on crutches?

Even if you've got your baby. It's like, would you go to the festival if you'd just broke your leg and you was on crutches, even if you really like them? I went, like, literally the day after running a marathon on no training because I really wanted to go to a festival and I'd committed to doing this charity marathon. And it was so annoying. This friend of mine, he was doing this thing, and he was like, right, it's a charity thing. I'm running three marathons, then I'm rowing the channel channel then i'm cycling the length of france and then i'm driving the matterhorn i was like great not driving climbing the matterhorn

i'd drive it all if i were you normally i'd be like okay fine yeah just where's the just giving page but he was like I really like people are going to be helping me along the way there's gonna be lots of other people involved you're my best friend I was like the best man at his wedding I couldn't not help out and he was like you need to do one section of it and I was like what's the easiest section and he went well probably of all of those things one of the marathons would be the easiest and I was like well if that's easier than rowing the channel or cycling the length of France, I'll do that. Like, when is it? And he went, well, it's here. And I was like, I was meant to

be going to a festival that weekend, but I'll come and do the marathon and then I'll go to the festival, but I'm not doing any training because I'm just doing, this is a favor to you. So I turned up and they were doing three marathons back to back. I pitched up to do the third marathon. Cause I was like, if I do the third marathon, that'll be exhausting. Cause they've just run too much the day before. And then I'll be able to do it at a canter. I'm not going to like look like an idiot. So I started doing the marathon and it's really hard, like baking hot. I haven't done any training. They are way fitter than me. So they are really like still able to like pound it. And I'm trying to keep up with everyone and then halfway through the marathon he fucking wants over to me and he's like oh by the way um

we have had to slightly reroute it so uh it was going to be sort of left and up over the hills here but we're just going to go straight because there's a little bit of a detour i was like oh why is that he went well because on the first day there was some road closures so we missed out a couple of sections so we are adding a couple of miles onto this one just so we can have fun yes well you know it's normally 23 miles this one's going to be 28. i was like are you joking so now i'm running an ultra marathon i got to the end of it and i was like i was i was catatonic but i think i'd entered like a huge state where i was like i I think I'm all right. And I obviously was pumped up on adrenaline and all of the fluids and sachets of things that they give you as you're on it.

And I got to the end and I sort of collapsed. I was like, I'm fine. Just stick me in the car, send me to the music festival. So I got straight into a car having run an ultra marathon drove four hours in a car with my legs like cramping up i passed out in a tent and then the following day woke up in the middle of the festival i was like oh right okay let's go and enjoy some music and i got up and i literally couldn't move. Like my whole body was spasming. I was like, oh my God, what's happening? We ran a fucking ultra marathon yesterday, you idiot.

And it was like weekend of Bernies. They had to like hoist me up, my friend. Hit me into the mosh pit. And it was the most horrible experience I've ever had. Well, that's TJ lovely for a baby at a festival. Yeah. How quickly did you do the marathon? How long did it take?

I did it in like 10 hours. I got undertaken by the guy in the deep sea diving suit. Oh, Jack, well, good luck. We'll have you back on once you've had the baby. Lovely to chat to you guys. Cheers, Jack. Lovely to have you on, Jack. well, good luck. We'll have you back on once you've had the baby. Lovely to chat to you guys. Cheers, Jack. Lovely to have you on, Jack. Good luck with everything.

I feel like I'm ready now. You're not ready. I'd say you are one of the least ready people I've ever spoken to. Bring on 9-11. Bring on the 10th to the 12th of September. Yes. When the baby's due. When the baby is due.

Good luck, mate. Good luck to you and Roxy. Send her our love and we'll speak to you soon. Thanks, guys. Enjoy the tour, mate. Bye. Speak soon. Jack Whitehall there.

Lovely bloke. I love Jack. He's a really good guy. For someone who's so successful, arena tours, Hollywood films, he's still properly chilled and Jack Whitehall. He could be a c***, but he's not. No, he almost should be as well.

If someone's like, come on, mate. Come on, mate. You should be talking to us. F***ing hell. But also, when you see him at gigs and stuff and he's always really generous and welcoming he's a really good guy

and I think he's got he literally hasn't thought about having a child at all yet no I did feel like I was interviewing him about what it's going to be like

to be an OAP do you know what I mean in terms of how divorced it was from his current experience but you can't you can't be doing

an arena tour and filming a show for Netflix and be thinking about other stuff where actually there's no point thinking about it until it comes, is there? Yeah, exactly. It's the reality of it. But yeah, I'm excited to hear how it goes for him

because I think he's in for a bit of a shock. And just to repeat, July the 12th is Landed, no? Oh, Landed, no, yeah. And then he's at the O2 on his tour. Yeah, the O2 mopping up if you miss out on the Landedno tickets. Anyway, well, I'll see you on Tuesday, Josh. See you on Tuesday. Bye.