Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP48: "I'd love to ride a pig..."

Episode Date: June 23, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting each week we'll

be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing whoa what are you listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 ford escape with available alexa built in so you can change the music oh yeah alexa change station to 99.2 see purchase a 2024 escape st line all-wheel drive with tech pack at 3.49 apr for 72 months with down payment that's just 267 bi-weekly cash value of

40 294 plus eligible ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Before we start, Rob, before we start, I'm stressed. You're stressed? I'm stressed. I'm experiencing stress. It's odd because looking at you, you've done a really good job of the soundproofing. Get your fucking soundproofing back. No, no, no, no. Look at it. It looks like you've fallen out with a builder and they've left you without a job. No, let me show you what happened.

Do you know what, Rob? One second. Basically. Oh, fuck. This soundproofing stuff you order is vacuum sealed, right? Yeah. I didn't realise you have to take it out of the packaging like ages before you

want to use it so this stuff i got out last night at home and it got all big oh blimey i don't want to unpack it all because then i've got to try and carry loads of foam to the office yeah and now i've got foam on the floor that's currently expanding, which is no help to us. I feel like this has done nothing, Michael, correct? It's done almost nothing. Almost nothing. Okay, brilliant. So bad sound again, from my point of view.

Oh my God. You look like someone who's run out of money on grand designs. Do you know what? You're not far off. Right. So next you're called, I'm going to try from a different room. Okay. It sounds fine to me. It doesn't to Michael, though.

And it looks funny. That's what you want from a podcast, it looking funny. Do you want the intro, Rob? Yes. Because normally we start with the intro, but I needed to talk about that. Looks good, doesn't it? Looks good. I put that on in about 10 seconds.

No shit. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Miva, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittacombe? Josh Whittacombe. Good girl, well done. Good girl.

Good girl. West Country? Hi, Rob and Josh. This is my daughter Miva, M-A-E-V-A, who is two and a half years old and who has just become a big sister To 16 days old Ottily Love listening to the podcast, listen to every episode while commuting

Between jobs, keep up the good work Do you know what? 339 months, John, originally from Bristol Now living in Somerset, he's done it He's bloody well done it Yes, I've done it That's turned your day around. That's turned it round. Do you know what? The day's all right. It's just, we've got a new school

run, haven't we? Yeah. Because we've moved house. And today I encountered four different, I'd say, journey ruining roadworks. You know, some days in your commute, you go, oh, hang on. Oh, my window just shut. Yeah, you're an alpha. You you're an alpha aren't you oh god yeah i've been on league of their own a bit you know guys yeah no you know like you get roadworks we turn a corner you think well this has ruined my compute completely that happened four times to me today. Oh, my God. So I was a bit rushed getting in. And the problem is I've got one of these health watches.

I've got a Huawei watch. Oh, yeah? Is that not the one where the Chinese can now know how many calories you're eating? Yeah, but I don't care if they do. Do you know what? I'm very relaxed about data harvesting. Me too. They're fucking welcome to it.

Do you know what? Sometimes I don't know what I want, but the algorithm does. Exactly. I totally agree with you, Rob. I tried to stand up on this and no one bought into it. People go,

they're going to advertise things that you want. Yeah, of course I fucking want that. Over adverts for things I don't want. Exactly. Also, the other watch companies are harvesting your calories, aren't they? Surely. That's just everyone's doing it. I could do with a few calories being harvested i'll tell you that for free mate

the problem is it tells you your heart rate and it's really bad when you see it going up when you're in traffic you think oh no start falling down and i played football last night i was playing football last night five a side and it basically tells you when you're entering like an intense period of a workout but i was like on the run, like attacking the goal. And he says like, warning, you are reaching your peak BPM. It's hard enough playing football at nearly 40. I don't need my watch getting in my head. Do you know what I mean?

And it's a real confidence booster to the defender. Your heart rate is reaching peak capacity. That's what you're saying. I've got nothing left. I've got nothing left to give. I don't think that warning's helpful because it stresses you out. Well, I think it's trying to tell you, like, you're working really hard, but it's, like, really loud in an American voice.

And I didn't know everyone I was playing football with last night, so I got a bit embarrassed. Oh. And it was so hot that I was on a team that had to wear a bib. So I had my top on, obviously, like I wear for football, and then put the bib. But I was so hot. You don't want to wear two layers in the heat. So took my top off you didn't go skins and bib i went

skins and bib however i didn't realize until i had it on the the bibs had no sides so i'd like side boo playing football and it's going you are reaching your peak beat i'm like i don't need that hawaii um do you want to cheer up on the stressful journeys? Yeah, go on. I thought I should just check my email. You know, I've got 10 minutes before the podcast. I'll just check my emails. Yeah.

Did I tell you I've got to do a speed awareness course? Oh, no. Like I did. You've been speeding, have you? I did 24 in a 20. The 20s in London are absolutely gutted. Don't even get me started on you, Les. The way they're trying to get money out of people. No, I didn even get me started on you, Les. The way they're trying to get money out of people.

No, I didn't get you started. I didn't get you started on you, Les. There's a sign saying you need to pay you, Les. Rob, you said don't get me started on you, Les. I didn't mention you, Les. So I've not got you started on you, Les. Josh, I drove through a country lane yesterday, technically

stealing the borough of London, Bromley, Kent or whatever it is, right? I drove through a country lane yesterday, technically stealing the borough of London, Bromley, Kent, or whatever it is, right? I drove through a country lane for 10 minutes, didn't see one other car, saw 100 deer, and I've got to pay ultra low emission zone because of all the emissions. There's no one fucking there, Josh. I also paid congestion charge during the pandemic

to drive through a fucking empty London. Imagine paying for congestion when there is none. I would have pity for you. It's like paying a big dick tax. It's like me with my normal cock paying 20 quid a month because of the big dick tax and i haven't got a big dick it's not fair rob i would have pity for you wouldn't mind paying for it if i had a big dick rob rob rob rob i would have pity for you if you hadn't spent the last three years convincing me that you still live in london even though i told you a million times you don't live in london exactly it's so awful

i'm buff you can't have it both ways rob if you want to claim you live in london you live in london i don't claim i live in london anymore i live in kent the kent countryside this will cheer you up yeah i didn't get you started about you les i didn't get you started don't even get me started on my cat and dog as well i need to talk to you about that okay okay because it makes the problems so i did 24 in a 20 i've got a speed awareness course fine yeah i'm not swell a braverman i'm happy to take the fucking hit do it with the other people yeah yeah you're a normal guy i'm a normal guy anyway i didn't put it in my fucking diary so you missed it no i've got an email that it's this afternoon right okay that's not bad can

you do it well i've had to cancel personal training but you've still got to pay for it because it's within 24 hours gutted. Yeah, that's fair enough. But fine. These things happen. Sunk cost, et cetera. Yeah. Idiot tax. The idiot tax.

And then I thought, well, we've got, I've told you this, Rob. We've got a little gym in our shed. Yeah. You've got an exercise bike in the shed. No. We've got weights as well. You've got what? I didn't know you had weights in there.

Yeah, we've got weights in the shed. Yeah. I'll be honest, Rose gets more used to it than me but that's fine yeah she lifts man she lifts man i think she's stronger than you isn't she way stronger than me yeah did you just see that window thing happen if you had to fight rose to the death yeah i've thought about it numerous occasions this morning do you reckon you'd win or really no Really? No. She's way stronger. She can do chin-ups and stuff. Yeah, but I don't think that's how you win a fight. Wait there, mate.

Three. Four. And she's angrier than me. Is she? Yeah. When she wants to be. When I'm around. When you're getting told off.

When I get told off. When was the last time you got told off? This morning. Yeah, I got told off yesterday. Yeah. But I accepted that my... Not by Rose, by Lou, obviously. This can't be true. What? I've just got told off yesterday. Yeah, but I accepted that my... Not by Rose, by Lou, obviously. This can't be true.

What? I've just got my screen time, average screen time come through. Go on. 14 hours a day. That's not true. I'm not even awake 14 hours a day, and I'm barely using my phone these days. Maybe you should start looking at the speedometer screen, mate,

if you love screens so much. It was screen, dirty screen. That's not your... No, it's not true. I've started leaving my screen. That's not your, your phone. No, it's not true. I've started leaving my phone in different rooms to use it less. Fuck you, Apple.

I'm moving to Hawaii. Also, apparently I did 22,000 steps yesterday according to Hawaii. Did you? Well, it's all bullshit. Are you playing football? Yeah,

I was playing football. Apparently I run five kilometers in a, in a game of football on a five side pitch. But you know, know that's good as he's boring i'm become that watch wanker let me let that dickhead who gets the health watch sorry go on so i thought well i can just work out in the shed but then i realized we've got the gardener coming and it would be fucking mental if while the gardener was doing the gardening you were working out in a shed i was working out in the shed i just can't do. Do you need a gardener for your garden? It's quite a small garden, Josh.

It's fucked. Oh, right, they're coming to sort it out. They're coming to sort it out. Right. Yeah, they're not like a regular gardener. They are a... Doing a job gardener. You know, ground force. They are ground force.

Well, he lives across the road, actually. I could have just got him to come across the fucking road. Anyway, so what time have you got the... Well, this is the thing, Rob. It's at 2.45. Yeah. It lasts two hours, 45 minutes. I was going to the gym. You've got to do it in the morning.

And then I was going to pick up my son. I was doing this in the morning. Oh, yeah, of course. I must have thought that at the time. Got to pick up my son from nursery. I was like, I'll just go from the gym to pick him up. Now, your deadline's 6pm to pick him up from nursery. Yeah.

I finished this at 5.30. Yeah. It's a 25-minute drive. But they don't just leave the child in the street. No, I know, but you have to pay a fine and they get pissed off and it's fair enough because they want to go home. Do you know what I'd like to do? Imagine just leave him there and turn up at midnight and just throw the money in their face

and leave. How do you reckon that would go down? I think... That would be very out of character for you, just in 50s as well. It would be incredibly out of character for both of us. I'd say you've not seen cash for 20 years. Have you? How do you get a load of 50? I tell you what you need to do,

mate speed. I know that's the fucking problem, Rob. I'm going to watch two hours of people dead in speeding accidents. And then I'm going to get in a car and be doing a race across London. Not that I would speed anyway, cause you can't cause I wouldn't, et cetera.

This is my first ever time I've got done. It's absolutely. It says it that I would speed anyway because you can't because I wouldn't, et cetera. This is my first ever time I've got darts. It's absolutely... And it says it that I was at 24 and I totally get it because speed kills. Speed does kill at 24.

Oh, can I tell you something also? Yeah, go. Another bad thing that's happened. You know when I got those bites? Yeah. I got some more bites. Yeah.

I got one on my ring finger and it swelled up and I can't get my ring off. Can you see that? Oh, no. Yeah, a little fat ring finger. I've got a real fat ring. Roselled up and I can't get my ring off. Can you see that? Oh, no. Yeah, a little fat ring finger. I've got a real fat ring.

Rose said, oh, you better take your ring off. I'm like, well, that's the fucking problem, mate. So you can't now? No. Have you got antihistamine on it? Yeah, and I've got them on my chin as well. Can you see that? Oh, Josh. You are one of them people that gets things, aren't you?

No. No, I am one of those people that gets think. Yeah. I get heat rash if that makes you feel better. Yeah, the heat can fuck off. But weird, this is recorded when it was too hot and now it's probably fine when you listen to it. Yeah, because this is a correspondence one, isn't it?

Yeah. Let's do some correspondence. Have you got anything more you want to talk to me about? Sorry, that was a bit passive aggressive. That was something Rose said to me this morning. What happened this morning, Josh? Let's do that. Let's do that.

This is timeless. It was my fault. 100% my fault. Go on. Do you know when Lou goes away? Yeah. No, sorry, when you go away. Yeah.

And Lou actually quite likes it because she just does her thing. Yeah, I think she quite likes getting into a little rhythm, but I don't think she likes it when I'm away as much, but she gets a bit annoyed when I'm back. No, no, but she likes her rhythm. Yeah yeah because i've sort of disrupting what's going on

yeah you're a disruptor rob you're like dominic cummings yeah but uh i like my rhythm in the morning now yeah i get up i do teas feed the cats open the blind open the curtain empty the dishwasher sure make the bagels make the porridge wash up the porridge i love my rhythm you're loving it you're buzzing off just telling me i can see it in your eyes yeah and i leave my phone upstairs so it doesn't distract me despite what my fucking phone's telling me which isn't true 40 hours late that's bad josh you said you're feeling quite good at the moment well that's not true rock it's really bad do you speak to your kids at all or is it just it's because i leave it on brown noise overnight oh right it's a place of

brown noise for you isn't it so what's the brown noises for i'm so bored of the brown noise it's fucked up my spotify it's fucked up my screen time i need to buy a brown noise machine but none of the ones on amazon this is a fucking problem give you a sample of the fucking noise you need to know what noise you're buying what if you buy it and it's the noise you don't like? That's why people go, oh, the high street, you know, everyone orders online. You're in the middle of the high street, right? Go and find a brown noise machine.

No chance. Where would you even go? John Lewis? I don't know. Argos? Maplins? I was going to say Maplins. I think they're defunct.

You can't sample them at Argos, Rob. It's basically the same as Amazon. Once they've brought it out of the warehouse, it's yours. Macklin. Macklin's still going. Yeah. Dixon's? Gone.

Gone. Curry's? What was on the start of the queue? I don't know. Al Price. Al Price. Al Price was just records. No, I bought Grand Theft Auto from Al Price in Elton My Street the day before release

because I used to do that back in the day. Yeah, yeah. That was unbelievable oh i loved it i was a right computer nerd yeah me too it's a queue up at midnight to get computer games did you yeah were you a midnight cure yeah grand fifth or vice city canterbury high street game midnight and i didn't have a game card and i bought a console and the game and there was a kid behind me and i went i don't know if a loyalty card he was like yeah but it's a lot of points for a console and there was a kid i went you and I went, I don't know if a loyalty card. He was like, yeah, but it's a lot of points for a console.

And there was a kid, I went, you got a loyalty card? He went, yeah. I went, come get the points. Oh, my God. This kind of guy I am, John. Oh, my God. You know? Because in 15 years, mate, I'm going to be on Sky. Looking at me now, and I'm doing the 6.30 to 3.30 a.m.

to p.m. shifting marks in Spencer's Canterbury, but one day, yeah. I'm not going to need these30 a.m. to p.m. shift in Marks and Spencer's Canterbury, but one day. Yeah. I'm not going to need these fucking points. What's that? Did I see you going into a travel agent to pay eight quid towards your holiday to Corfu next year? Yeah, you did actually,

but don't worry about that. Things are going to change. Things are going to change, my boy. Once I get this computer and computer game, I'm going to really put the work in. Did I ever tell you when I went to a cash point and it was paying double? No.

What did you do? So I was at uni in Manchester. Yeah. Did you take it? Yeah, so I was like brassic. I was fucking, you know, you don't have any money when you're at uni. But you don't care.

You just live very... Frugally, yeah. Frugally. So we were going to see the Yayayayas in London. Yeah. And we were at Victoria Station and the cash machine was paying double. So if you asked for 20 quid, you got 40. I mean, yeah.

I don't think you needed that bit. I'm not an academic, but I can do double. If you said quadrupled, I need your help. Okay. So the cash regime is paying double. So if you wanted 100 quid. Yeah. So what if you asked for like 50 quid?

You'd get 100 quid. 10? It was actually the 50 quids is wrong. And the tech, cause it was paying double 20. So there was obviously something wrong with the 20 feed. Every time you got a 20, you got two 20s. Lovely. Okay. I didn't know how much to take out,

because obviously you don't know whether it's debiting you double as well. Yes, of course. You don't know if it's free money. We were wondering why there's such a long queue, and it's because everyone who got to the front was having the same kind of moral conundrum. And also, are they going to find out it's paying double and then they're going to retrospectively bill it back to you? Also, you're going to have to go out in London on a Friday night

carrying 400 quid if you take out your maximum 200 quid. So what did you do? Got 20 quid out of 40 quid. All I can afford. The card machine swallowed my brother's card once in Eltham High Street and I remember him getting so angry, he punched the cash machine. That's got to be the hardest thing to punch in the world. If you had to pick something harder,

I don't think you could. An anvil, that would be it. Right, shall we do some correspondence? Yeah, come on, here we go. I've got one here. Josh's word and comedian Google search game. Oh, this is what we're saying, to try and find people on Google. It's James Acaster's word and Google search, yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is what we're saying. To try and find people on Google.

Oh, yeah. It's James Acaster's word and Google search. Yes. Oh, is it? Sorry, James Acaster. Hobbit and comedian for you works. Oh, for fuck's sake. How's that come back on me that quickly?

Well, yeah. You're straight up. If you're typing Hobbit and comedian, it's just you. Yeah. Fair enough. Let's have a look. Yeah. Along with actual Hobbit.

It's only because you, in interviews, said that you auditioned to be a Hobbit. Yeah. You're the most Hobbit-y looking man I've ever seen, Josh. I don't know how you didn't get even like a look. Yeah. Along with actual hobbit. It's only because you, in interviews, said that you auditioned to be a hobbit. Yeah. You're the most hobbity looking man I've ever seen, Josh. I don't know how you didn't get even like a background. I know. I thought I'd get some extra work. And the feet.

You wouldn't even need to wear the fake feet. You've got them big feet, haven't you? No, they've got hairy feet. You've got big, hairy feet, haven't you? I haven't got hairy feet. Of course I haven't got hairy feet. You haven't got any hair on your feet? No.

You've got bald feet? I haven't got bald feet. On the bottom, they're bald. So you've got hairy feet? They haven't got any hair on your feet? No. You've got bald feet? I haven't got bald feet. On the bottom, they're bald. So you've got hairy feet? They're normal. But they're hairy? It's got a little bit of hair down the top. Are they as hairy as your eyebrows?

Nothing's as hairy as my eyebrows. But, yeah, keep sending them in. But, yeah, Hobbit and Comedian works for you. That's a grim start. Let's do Tall Comedian. Who do you reckon will come up? Merchant. Tom Davis?

No, there are too many of them. Greg Davis? Tom Davis. Yeah, Tom Davis, Merchant, Greg Davis. Yeah, so that doesn't count, there are too many of them. Greg Davis? Tom Davis. Yeah, Tom Davis, Merchant, Greg Davis. Yeah, so that doesn't count because there's too many of them. It's got to be one. Short comedian. Okay, I regret doing that.

Kevin Hart mainly. Yeah. And Martin Short. Yeah. Right, what would Rob Beckett do? Some parenting advice. Hi, Rob and Josh. This is something I've never really mentioned to anyone else

in fear of being judged. Absolutely great start. But I'm hoping i'm not the only one if your young child say age between one and four is given money for their birthday what do you do with it i for one pocket it i mean they have no idea what it is or what it does then i put it towards a supermarket shop because 95 of that is going for them anyway right it goes towards nappies snacks wipes etc yeah am i a bad mum for not putting it in an account for them so when this happens with us and they get money yeah we

used to put it in the like whether our keys are as like money for takeaways if we need cash you know sometimes a window cleaner sometimes you need cash you've got soda and lime from a pub what you've seen your drink oh do you know what when i was on holiday rob yeah you look like you're in a pub in the morning at the breakfast buffet they had fizzy water with cucumber and lemon in it and it was incredible so i've decided to implement it in my own life you are a changed man aren't you i really am how are you feeling about when you get busier well that's the test isn't it yeah anyone Yeah. Anyone can beat, you know, Crystal Palace at home. Well, exactly. The problem is when I go to Stamford Bridge in September.

You know, when you've got a podcast in the morning, Speed Awareness in the afternoon, lifts and waits at lunchtime. Yeah. It's a lovely day. Anyway, sorry, I've been distracted. What we do is we leave it on the side and we sort of go, oh, what we'll do is, because they've got little GoHenry card things. Yeah.

I think they're called GoHenry. I can't remember those little cards. So me and Lucy will go, oh, yeah, we'll transfer... Because they've got little GoHenry card things. Yeah. I think they're called GoHenry. I can't remember those little cards. So me and Lou sort of go, oh, yeah, we'll transfer some money into their account. And it doesn't always happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's giving them money anyway when they're really little? True.

Some nan and granddads do. Yeah. Don't they? It's more useful than another toy. Well, Lou's nan and granddad, great nan and granddad, came round to see the new house and gave... I'm sure you like them, Rob. You don't need to give them a review, but fair enough. Oh, lovely stuff.

No, no, just as in lose dad's dad. Great grandad, yeah. And they gave the kids a fiver each cash, which is quite sweet. Kids are excited. That's nice. Did I ever tell you about when my great grandma died? Go on. Why are you laughing?

No, just because of that clip of when my granddad died. How did she die? You can't die of old age, can you? But she was in the late 90s, so, you know. One way or another. Like, yeah, just older. Older. Bit hot.

Bit hot, fucking hell. I could go today. I imagine when you get to, like, 97, you know, sometimes I lay in bed and the alarm goes and I think, can't be bothered. And I think, basically, and that's your mind, but your body goes, no, come on, you're 37, your body can do this. But I think at 97, your mind goes, I can't be bothered. And then your body goes, yeah, you're right, let's not.

So that's what happened to her. Lovely woman. Lovely woman. I don't really remember her that well, but she seemed nice enough. She left my generation. So she left money for her children. Yeah. And then she skipped my parents' generation.

And then she left her 15 grandkids 800 quid each. That's nice of her, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know why she made that decision. I suppose it's like, give the money to them. And then also something for the youngsters, I suppose. Yes. Fair enough.

Fair enough. And then the people that are like 40 and earning, they probably don't need 800 quid. So what did your mum and dad do with the money? They said I could have it. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I think you should put it in account for your kids if someone's paid it because they can spend it later on. Yeah.

So there was five different sets of kids that were these grandkids. So there's like different policies. I've got cousins, Rob, whose parents just use the money. What would you have spent 800 quid on as a 10-year-old? That, as a 10-year-old, that is mind-blowing money. It's fucking... In the 90s as well, remember. I'd be thinking, should I get a flat?

I could probably get a flat in a small car now. I should have fucking got a flat. If I could have got a flat in London at that point, it would be worth 4 million quid now. What did you spend it on? I spent 350 quid. Yeah. Off the bat on a stereo stack system.

Yeah. You know, one of those ones that had CD, tape. Oh, yeah. You know, with separate speakers. Matsui? Sony. Like, proper good. And I had that until I went to uni.

So that was an incredible spend of money. The rest, I think I frittered away frittered it 650 fritter but I know what my last purchase was but I don't want to say it because you're going to take the piss that's what this podcast is if we stop doing that it's over yeah okay one word Rob go on rubber johnnies warhammer Go on. Rubber Johnnies. Warhammer. Warhammer. So definitely not Rubber Johnnies. Definitely not Rubber Johnnies. No need for Rubber Johnnies there, mate. Wow.

You're a Warhammer guy. Do you know what? I always respected those guys. For six months, I was a Warhammer guy. I always respected the Warhammer guys because growing up in Southeast London,on if you walked into warhammer you are basically saying come and bully me don't worry about it i've got it just coming let's do it now well your friend of mine who we mentioned on the podcast recently will briggs yeah he once got uh beaten up in exeter for carrying a warhammer bag oh and. And he got his Warhammer bag stolen off him, I think.

Oh, that's horrible. Yeah. I mean, because I like little figures and quite nerdy stuff, but I was sort of good enough at football to get by with the football lads. I was quite a secret Warhammerer as well. Really? So have you still got your little Warhammers? No, I don't.

So I did a certain type of Warhammer. Right, okay. Oh, God. Because what does Warhammer mean? I don't even understand. I know they're little battle figures. Yeah, so I should type of Warhammer. Right. Okay. Oh God. Cause what does Warhammer mean? I don't even understand. I know they're little battle figures. Yeah. So I should say what Warhammer is,

is like it's lead figures and it's like orcs. And it's like, it's a bit like Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah. So sort of like lead figures with, but you paint the figures yourself. Right. So you get little lead figures and build an arm and you paint them yourself.

I used to hate painting them. I had no interest in fucking painting them. I was shit at it. Really? How was the BO situation in store? It just looked smelly. But I don't know if it was. Yeah, I was certainly bringing some.

I'll tell you that for free. So you'd go to Warhammer and could you paint it in there? Or do you just buy it in there? Or do you battle in there? You buy it in there. I mean, this is not going to help my coolness. Come on, Josh, talk to me. I used to paint it it with my gran so your man used to help you paint your fingers in the shop or at home oh you wouldn't take your nanny there not in front of the guys my gran was much cooler than any of the guys in the warhammer shop and me let's be very clear

about that what was your little team called so i did an offshoot of warhammer yeah which was called blood bowl which was like a kind of go on a board game based around a violent sport in the warhammer universe right okay a bit like so it's like hogwarts and quidditch yeah but like more violent and full of like zombies and you know trolls and right okay see that i love little figures and little nerdy games but i don't like fantasy that's where i struggled no i hate fantasy i hate fantasy so i'm not sure why i was into it yeah but it was a strange six months of my life and i kind of i really respect it because it's as you say i i really would encourage people to do what they're into yes 100 but i've never been into fantasy. I don't like Game of Thrones.

I don't like Lord of the Rings. I hated Lord of the Rings. But they're so small, Josh. How did you paint them? How small's the brush? They're fucking impossible to paint, Rob. They're so shit and so impossible to paint. My painting was so shit.

And do you get told what colour to paint them or do you do whatever you want? You do what you want, but you tend to just do it like they do in the magazines where they do it unbelievably. So you had magazine subscription as well. White Dwarf. White Dwarf?

What's that? Sounds like a new drug. That was the name of the magazine. He's off his face on White Dwarf, that dude. He's only just got a spine. Oh, I love it. Absolutely love it. Oh, God.

Mortifying. Anyway, that's how I spent the last of my 800 quid. A bit like Brewster's Millions, isn't it? Yeah, it's expensive, those sort of hobbies. that's what you spent your money on fair play yeah right let's do a bit more correspondi yeah sorry got distracted let's not it's good to share um while we're talking on grandparents and nans this is grandparent family names should we do this yeah hi rob and josh just listen to your episode where he talks about what your kids call their grandparents my 20 month old called her uncle sam ham which is a

particularly big as he's vegan this has now been upgraded to spam oh that's unfair love the podcast gets me through many a stressful day filled with tantrums thanks rosie also as well on my new commute josh yeah or school run i see a woman with a young baby that she walks every time i've driven past she's walking the baby and i just get the feeling that that is a tricky child inside so massive respect to the lady that walks her baby in the buggy up and down a road with her sunken sad eyes you will get through it don't panic has she got headphones in headphones in i don't feel like that's working maybe she needs this podcast yeah yeah hi rob j Hi, Rob, Josh and sexy Michael.

You know, Michael, he sends us these. Do you think he's adding those kind of things? After listening to the episode about weird lies kids tell at school, it brought back a memory of this corker. The girl in my school liked to tell everyone her granddad was Elton John. And he used to climb out of her TV at night and sing to her. She kept it going for years until about year nine. No, people weren't buying that, were they?

Pre-pubescent teenage kids are fucking mental. They will do some weird shit. Just look at fans of boy bands. The One Direction fans or BTS, they are a different level of committed. They blow your Warhammer collection. There was a Take That helpline. When take that split up there was a help line mainly for howard and jason i imagine lovely stuff

that was lana in south shields i should say not that joke i mean that email good great one from her i've got another good granddad one here hello robin josh on the subject of what kids call grandparents we decided to make it football related for granddads. So long story short, my dad is known as Grandad Hoops because he's a QPR fan. Yeah, that's good. That's good. My wife's dad is a Palace fan and he's called Grandad Stripes.

Oh, that's nice. Our daughter is 13 and still calls them Hoops and Stripes. They sound like a rap duo. I like that. I think that's good. Grandad Hoops and Grandad Stripes. Thanks for the constant laughs. Theo and Nerys.

N-E-R-Y-S. Nerys? Nerys? N-E-R-Y-S. Nerys. Yeah. Nerys. We've gone a long time without a boomer story,

haven't we? This is the longest correspondence episode without a boomer story we've ever done. Boomer me up, bitch. Hi, Rob and Josh. When I was born in 1990, is that a boomer? Yeah, my boomer parents had a small van

that my dad used to work to drive us around in. Oh, dad used for work to drive us around in. Yes, the parents are boomers. He's not. He's a millennial. No, yeah, yeah. Skin of his teeth millennial. The front only had three seats. So when I came along, my brother,

older brother, then five, had to sit in a deck chair in the back of the van with only a Ninja Turtle walkie-talkie to keep in contact with us in the front fucking brilliant who's this what's their name erin in lenzie i don't know where lenzie is l-e-n-z-i-e i told you i used to sit in the footwell of my dad's taxi, didn't I? If the cab was full. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense.

At least you're in the same bit of him. This isn't Scotland, Lindsay. That is incredible. So he was in the back of a transit van. With a walkie-talkie? With a walkie-talkie to keep in contact in the front. Classic boomer. I think that'd be quite fun, wouldn't it?

I couldn't put my kids in the back of a van and drive around. A deck chair is the most unstable. No, no, for the kid. Is it, though? A dark van? No, I'm not saying... Classic boomer. I think that'd be quite fun, wouldn't it? I couldn't put my kids in the back of a van and drive around. A deck chair is the most unstable. No, no, for the kid. Is it, though? A dark van? No, I'm not recommending it. I'm saying that if you're, you know, if you're that kid. That's 1990s, so it's mid-90s they're doing that.

Yeah, I mean, I'd go for a more stable chair. If there was a chair that you could be strapped into in the boot. Yeah. But going around a corner in a van in a deck chair, I'd be petrified, wouldn't you? Yeah, of course. Of course. Can I just say, Rob?

Go on. I don't know what a boomer is, a millennial is, a Gen Xer is, all of this. There's a comedian called Jake Lambert, who we both know. Yeah. What I am sure are very funny videos, because he's very funny,

about the difference between the generations. I don't know what the different generations are, so don't understand them do you want me to let you know what am i what am i so do you know them without looking yes i know them but i've just looked it up to give you the exact date so when was you born 83 83 so you are a millennial but that doesn't feel right i don't feel like i'm a millennial 81 to 96 is millennial but aren't millennials younger than me no we are old now there's another two generations millennial. But aren't millennials younger than me? No, we're old now. There's another two generations after us now. But aren't people growing all these...

So what's a millennial? A millennial? A millennial is 81 to 96. What's the one before? Gen X. Gen X. And then before that is boomers. So I feel like I'm Gen X.

Maybe I was just like an old guy early on. Yeah, well, I think you are a Gen X, really, in a millennial year. And then beyond there is the zoomers the generation z the zoomers gen z and then born between 2010 and 20 so our kids will be generation alpha right i don't know who gives them these names though no so what's michael gen x yeah because he's older than me all right why are you bringing that up poor michael and it was before gen x a boomer. Yeah. There's got to be something before. The silent generation before boomers.

The silent generation? That's 1928 to 1945, and then the greatest, the GI generation, 1901 to 27, and then the lost generation from 1883 to 1900. Who makes up these names? There we go. I can enjoy Jake's videos now.

Okay. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. Mm-hmm. When I was about 14, i developed an allergy to horses that's about you if i got near them i would get a rash streaming eyes and have trouble breathing at the time my dad had a horse in brackets midlife crisis that's an extreme midlife that is before we do this one what do you reckon your midlife crisis is going to be i think i know what it's going to be rob go on what's that me and rose had a discussion on holiday about getting tattoos such a holiday chat so what are you going to get

just a huge anchor on my arm although i do like an anchor would it be an aesthetic thing or would it be like a spirituality thing i I think it has to mean something. That's what Rose said. Yeah. And I took that on board. She was talking about getting the initials of our children. Right. Okay.

Whereabouts? On her cheek, like a teardrop. Do you know Lou got a tattoo but got it wrong? What do you mean? She's got a few tattoos. She's got like a snake on her arm. She's got something from East of Eden tattooed on her ankle. She had like a little symbol on one of her fingers.

And then she got the Capricorn sign. Yeah. The star sign Capricorn on her hand because she thought I was Capricorn. Correct. And both her children Capricorn. Yeah. Nice. Incorrect.

Oh no. Oh no. So she got the Capricorn star song. You've got to check that. You've got to check that before you get inked. You've got to check it before you get inked. So she got it covered up in the end, but she got a Capricorn for her. Rather than doing initials.

It's funny, isn't it? Oh, I'm going to do, I might do initials, and then I might do something else. I might just get into it. I like the idea of it. I want to get a tattoo, but it'd be more for things to remind me to be present and to be yeah exactly well do you know what i was thinking about getting rob so stuff like things that mean stuff to me because if i looked at my kids and wife's initials i think it would just stress me out it'd be a constant reminder of responsibility

which i think it's good so i was thinking of getting a tattoo of my the title of my favorite blur song is also a very good thing about not drinking and being present yeah okay because i'm always like park life no it's for tomorrow right for tomorrow oh that's nice and i'm always like if i don't drink today then i'll feel great tomorrow morning yeah because you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow exactly what you're doing now is for tomorrow. Yeah. I like it. Yeah.

I thought that might be quite nice. And then I'd also get, maybe I'd get my kids' initials. Am I having a midlifer? I might get no fear written in Spanish on my chest. I'll pay for that. Happily pay for it. Nada for me. Yeah, that's nice.

That's a nice one. Yeah. And where would you get it? And in what way? Where would it look? Probably on the arm. The way I look at it, I'm nice. That's a nice one. Yeah. And where would you get it? And in what way? Probably on the arm. The way I look at it, I'm not saying you've got... No. I'm not ripped enough. No, no, no. I think that's the problem. No, no. I think

you need to have a tattoo on a body part you're quite proud of. I'm not saying that you're not proud of your arms, but... But it hurts on your dick, Rob. The problem is you need to do it flaccid. They can't do it properly on an erect penis but I might get I might do it on my legs or my arms I wouldn't have it anywhere on my chest no because my arms and legs aren't bad my midsection is an absolute mess and July 1st

we've got to do our tops off for July 1st haven't we oh my god yeah oh god I've got to really go for this yeah okay protein pancakes so yeah i might get on my arms or legs but i need i need to work out what it is i want but i think you can think forever i might just do it yeah i'm just gonna fucking do it yeah should we go together yeah let's do it all right let's do it ah my arm hurts just went if you are a tattooist no no no no no no we'll find someone we'll find someone it's like darren brown choosing people out the audience if they push themselves forward they're probably not the person that you want yes exactly you want the person that's super busy yeah

right another story another story yeah maybe i'll get my daughter to write the word for tomorrow and then that could be the font i agree however've got to just keep making her redo it so it looks neat. She'll do those backwards letters. Oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, just like, I might wait till she's 11. The handwriting's really on point. Did we get to the end of Allergy to Horses? Oh, yeah.

No, we didn't. No, sorry. We didn't. Sorry. Go on. So when he got home, he'd have to get changed and have a wash from his horse one day we sat down for dinner with the family and i sit next to my dad as we sat down i asked him if he got changed and showered he said yes he had and i believed him we started eating our food and my eyes started to itch so did my face and my chest

began to get tight i asked him again if he changed he said He said, yes, of course. About 10 minutes later, I was having a big reaction. My dad decided to confess. He said, I was testing to see if it was a real allergy or if it was psychosomatic. You sick horse-buying fuck. Yeah. Fair to say I was pretty cross. Thanks, Olivia from Philadelphia via Yorkshire.

Fucking hell. There we go. Who buys a horse? Well, my parents have got horses. Mid got horses midlife oh no they had them in early life did they used to ride them uh yeah a bit funny isn't it going for a ride on your horse i hated it i fell off when they put me on a horse when i was and that was it when i was about six game over yeah i'm not i'm not a horse i've got no inkling and i because we've gone to the countryside but i'm gonna get a horse the girls absolutely not i can't think of anything worse

or horse riding in general i fell to the opposite side to're like, oh, can we get a horse for the girls? Absolutely not. I can't think of anything worse, or horse riding in general. I fell to the opposite side to where my dad was, so he just had to grab my ankle, and I was basically being dangled over a horse. Has that stressed you out? You're panicking about horses now forever. I just don't like horses. They're big. They're fucking big horses.

They're too big, actually, to be on. They're noble animals. I'll give them that, but they scare me. Do you know what I like to ride? I'd love to ride a pig. I feel like they've got a bit of wit to them. You're not too high if you fall off. Did you ever do donkey derby?

Fucking hell. Yes. I've been on donkeys at, not donkey derby, but in Blackpool and at Blackheath Common. They used to have donkeys up there. So I used to go on donkeys as a kid. But one just belted off, I remember, and everyone was screaming. Yeah, they're fast. When we went on holiday to Pembrokeshire, there'd be a thing called i mean this can't happen now donkey derby is this real donkeys

or the game at the fairground real donkeys right and this guy would basically turn up in a field with a lorry of donkeys this is like a story that if you said which of us told this story so we were on holiday in pembrokeshire and then'd go to Donkey Derby of an evening. Guy with like eight donkeys and he'd mark out a track and he'd put eight kids on the donkeys. Yeah. And he'd stand behind and go, like to get them going. And then the donkeys would just fucking go and you'd race on the donkeys and you'd invariably fall off. Yeah. Did anyone else do that?

Did you ever do the cheese rolling thing? Is that near you? No, you're obsessed with the cheese rolling. That that's the somerset that's not you donkey diving was in pembrokeshire in wales right okay well the big sheep down in devon that's where they race sheep but there's no kids on them no no it's just part of the big sheep fairground yeah right should we do one more than some small business one more here we go future boomer story greetings here's a quick potential modern boomer story i plan on telling my kids okay milo three twin one and two minus two months what they've got twins and aren't born yet oh right okay so she's got milo's three and she's got twins on the way yeah i'd say just say pregnant with twins Yeah Not twin one and twin two minus two months

It's like a logic puzzle that they put in the Daily Mail To see if adults can do GCSE maths Working out ways to keep them safe in the future I plan on telling them Never to drive over 88 miles per hour As they'll be transported in time Since their car won't have the correct timing circuits They could end up anywhere and stuck in that period of time to back up this parenting lie i've decided to tell

them people driving classic cars are all people who drove over 88 miles an hour and have been transported here to our present are there any white lies you've told or plan to tell your kids to keep them safe or shield them from the world a little bit longer peter and emily that's a decent one you know yeah mine are getting a bit too clever now yeah they're telling you lies i've got seven nearly eight in the winter they're getting a bit too clever and you can start to see they are becoming little adults yeah and that i think this is a stage where people a lot of people you know the people who've got the eight year gap between the youngest and then the third one yeah this is peak like oh should we have another one but it's like drugs you're chasing the youngest and then the third one. Yeah. This is peak like, oh, should we have another one?

But it's like drugs. You're chasing the hit of the squishy little cute baby stage. Rob, two words for tomorrow. Remember when you wake up tomorrow morning, if you don't have a kid, you're waking up in a much more relaxed state. Oh, no, I don't want another kid, but I'm saying that's... That's what Lou was. That's when he's saying little white lies.

Now I'm getting to a point where I can't really get away with them is Lou thinking about it no she we absolutely dead against it she's thinking about another dog though another one you don't even like the first one I don't mind the first one I just don't like the admin I don't mind him knocking about it's just admin I don't mind him but actually if I have another one I absolutely love the other one and he's literally the dog it's personal it's actually personal uh small business shout out right still business hi i like this one because it goes hey hi hello rob josh and michael good guy i don't know what this is going to be but i like the greeting i'm a long time listener and living proof that you haven't managed to put everyone off having children as

when i started listening back in 2020 i had zero kids fast forward through a panny d and three years later i'm a proud and knackered owner of a wild 20 month old we've been on a while haven't we i run a small batch marshmallow business from my home called mally mallow m--A-L-L-Y space Mallow, named after my kid Mallory. Each month I release a new menu of entirely new flavours of gigantic Rocky Road, jumbo Mallow cubes and tubs of Mallow fluff. My daughter loves Marsh Mallow. With Instagrams, that was me adding that by the way. Fair enough.

With Instagram followers voting for what flavours they want to see. Oh, that's good. This month's menu includes crunchy Rocky Road, Mallow cubes in mint choc chip, lemon meringue, cinnamon roll, and a cherry Bakewell fluff tub. Fluff tub? You can find us on Instagram or TikTok at mallee.mallow

or head straight to our website, https colon forward slash forward slash www.mallee.mallow.com slash. How is your TikToking going, by the way? I just can't do it, Rob. Keep it sexy and relatable as per Anna XOXO. What does XOXO mean, Rob? Kiss, cuddle, kiss, cuddle, kiss, cuddle.

All right. Now, hello. We are South Sea Play Cafe, a spanking new small business in Portsmouth. We are a play cafe for parents and young kids. Our cafe gives parents a chance to either play with their kids or let them go feral while they enjoy a five peace and a local cup of coffee we are passionate about physical and mental development for kids and also support education for parents as a business run by mums

we love your podcast i would love a shout out there was a definite gap in the market in this area so we want to be able to reach and help even more people that is a south sea play cafe the milfs of south sea play cafe xo i thought you'd added that yourself no no they refer to themselves as mums they'd like to fuck i'm sure they do good on them it's been a pleasure rob it's been a joy and a pleasure absolute pleasure pleasure and joy and i'll see you i'll see you next time bye