Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP49: His Hair Has Gone Blue!

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing whoa what are you listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 ford escape with available alexa in, so you can change the music.

Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Remy, can you say... Rob Beckett. Yeah, Rob Beckett. Okay, and can you say Josh Whittacombe? Josh Whittacombe. Ooh, well done. I think that was the first one better for you than me, that.

Yeah, speed it up. And it was right. That is my two-year-old son, Remy. Good name. We almost went with Remy. Like the rat from Ratatouille. I don't know. Maybe.

I don't know. I've not seen it. Why would I offer an opinion? Please keep doing what you're doing. We will. Yeah, Remy's the rat. We love listening to the podcast. It's gotten us through many a dark hour

whilst trying to raise three boys under eight who often display sociopathic traits. Stay sexy and relatable. Erin from South. South. Hampton. Yes. There we go.

Oh, that was good. You led me down the path there. I felt a bit like I was a child and you were helping me get a shot right. Spent too much time. How's your week been, Rob? Mine's been a bit non-event. I'll be honest.

Yep. Non-eventful's not the word, is it? Uneventful. This morning I've been thinking of stuff and just nothing came up and I thought, is this it? Is this the end of the pod? Is this Oasis's standing on the shoulder of giants? Yeah. Have we got to the have we got to run out of

ideas as noel gallagher surely regrets should he have not put all those good songs on the b-side should he have just strung it out a bit i can't speak for you but i've definitely not run out of stuff because lou's been away all weekend and it's been oh good old lou good on you lou also i've tried to sound proof a bit better. Hopefully, it sounds a bit better. I've still got a few more bits coming to make it even better. So bear with me. Say your Arsenal shirt. I can see that behind you.

Yeah, I've got some football shirts out. And I can post a video of what it looks like at the moment on my Instagram. But I'm getting there. So any audiophiles out there? That's what you call people that love sound, isn't it? Audiophiles. Yeah, I suppose it is. Yeah. I am working on it. so it's a work in progress um lou's been in amsterdam for three nights watching wednesday and talking to boys did she uh sample the older do you know what she had

no green she had no weed or green but she did go to a sex show and get a tattoo. Whoa. Separately or the same time? No, separately. That was a two separate trips. But do you know what's sad about that is that was Lou's first sort of weekend away of her friends for ages. Yeah. We went on an actual arena tour.

And she had a breakdown. No, she's not had a breakdown. She's just lived her best life. She went to a sex show and got a tattoo. That's a fun night out, Josh. Yeah.

If I came in and said, I got a sec, I went to a sex show and got a tattoo how much would you have laughed I would have in Amsterdam I would have been like oh that's not like Josh if you'd just done that in Soho I'd be worried yeah yeah

I think if you do it in Soho that's a breakdown if you go to Amsterdam it's the bare minimum what have you been doing this week I was in Old Compton Street got wanked off and then got a butterfly tailed on my arm. That was my break. I had two hours before I was meeting someone in New York.

We did a whole arena tour, and Lou in two days has done something more exciting and fun than us. I'd say our touring rock and roll-ness was fucking pathetic. I was so tired, though, Josh. It was awful.-ness was fucking pathetic. I was so tired though, Josh. It was awful. It was absolutely fucking shameful. When you walked the other direction, when we walked into a hotel,

I almost punched the air, mate. After that first gig, we just walked away from each other to a separate room. Just never. Not even a, should we have a drink? Nah, I should probably get to bed. Didn't even mention it.

Oh, when Jack D was in the hotel. I love Jack. When you said, should we get a second round? should probably get to bed didn't even mention it oh when Jack D was in the hotel I love Jack when you said shall we get a second round part of me died Rob you did not want another Heineken Blue I did not want

another Heineken Blue I did you know it's really cheeky you're not allowed to advertise alcohol at sports events so all we do is oh but they do

the non-alcohol fucking but just have Heineken or Becks massive on everything don't they that's gotta be against the rules isn't it well it's alcohol free i was thinking this actually rob yeah because i found a alcohol-free beer in my fridge yeah and i thought what would be the rule is 0.0 on putting that in my daughter's lunchbox. Yeah.

She just likes the taste. She just likes the taste. It's alcohol free. So my, my, yeah, if it's zero, cause 0.5 is bad. Cause that is actually alcohol.

But if it's 0.0, it's like, it's one of those things where it's not against the rules, but it's, it's seen as weird in society. Like for example, if my five-year-old daughter was having a bex at lunch do you know what you can do josh if you want when it's torrential rain you can sit on a

bench and eat a baguette but people don't no so it's not against the rules it's just they don't but um yeah i don't know what put it in the lunchbox see what they say okay yeah i think the glass would be the issue wouldn't it maybe a Maybe a can. But also fizzy drinks are banned, aren't they, from schools? Oh, that's how they'll get you. That's how they'll bloody get you. I put mini cheddars in the snacky this morning. What about a non-alcoholic red wine? Well, someone from school's daughter tasted their mum's non-alcoholic Roseanne,

loved it, and then she had a glass. And then the mum was like, is that okay? Yeah, what is the deal with that? Do you know what? I think just probably leave leave it don't let them have it no because mine's like mine mine don't really have fizzy drinks at all so they can't start on heineken zero whatever it is erdinger big frothy erdinger in there stitch cut sippy cup um what was i talking um how's father's day oh fucking absolute right off so talking about the lady um remy's mum but boys being psychopaths on father's day luke could lose away we went to a kid's birthday party all boys it was a boy that my daughter knew from preschool but they went to

separate schools and he's gone to an all-boys school. So it was all his classmates and then my two daughters. And there was all boys. And do you know what, Josh? We are, well, I can say we're lucky. We're not lucky. I'm lucky. You're not. You've got a boy.

Boys are fucking mental. They are too much. It's insane. There were two kids on the Mounted Castle. Literally, it was like the UFC ground and pound, where one was straddling the other, just like pushing the head of the other. And then they swapped. And they were laughing.

They were just fighting. It was like a stand-up. They were just fighting. It's mental. The whole time. It's absolutely insane. I couldn't believe it. The difference between how boys and girls play.

It's just so easy with a girl at this age compared to a boy. Yeah. Give my daughter some crayons, bish bash bosh, she'll create a nice drawing. Yeah. But, like, I don't

know which way my son's going to go yet, because obviously some boys it's not like that, but generally, we've been been to you know birthday parties where you can see the difference in the boys obviously each individual is different but at this party it was all boys i'd say 80 percent of the boys there were mainly just running at each other full pelt yeah or crashing into each other they wanted to hit each other or be in contact with each other grabbing pushing like not not in bullying or aggressive way but yeah and the good news is right that chimpanzees yeah the good news for me yeah what i'm holding on to is i wasn't one of those boys no so you think your boy... I don't like physical contact. I continue that.

Yeah, you don't have physical contact. From men or just from Rose? I like more than a bloody hug from Rose. I'm like, okay. Enjoy that? Do you know what? Way more than I should. Me too.

Am I right? Hey! Kind of the same joke. But, um... So... It's the glasses wiggle that is not, you know, Me too. Am I right? Hey! Kind of the same joke. It's a glasses wiggle that is not, you know, for those listening. It's a little... One for Instagram. If you're watching on the Instagram, chuck us a bloody like.

Chuck us a like. Like and subscribe. Can you subscribe? Follow? Like and follow. Follow. Like and listen. Yeah.

Share on your socials don't actually don't do that don't don't because it makes it look like our podcast shit what if you ask to share it or if they share no i just mean um no share it in a positive way not look at these two fucking chances it was specky wankers just talking about their kids in a little basement yeah talking about how they didn't like hard play when they were kids is it called hard play i was hard hard but i did rough rough play rough housing rough housing yeah i don't know um i did a lot of that because i had all brothers so it was all football barging into each other wrestling and fighting and stuff like that so i'm quite used to that i like playing football and i quite like a bit of that but not yeah as much as like rugby boys do it when they literally put their heads

up each other's asses or whatever it is they do and do initially. Fuck rugby. They pick on pints or spit up, spit in bum holes. I'm sure we've said this before, but the fucking worst, the rugby team at school, fucking awful.

They do things like shit in a pint and then drink it. I know they're awful. How do you do that? See, I'm rugby. U ugo monnier is a great guest apart from that to be fair i did once pay someone seven pound fifty to down a bottle of sarsen's vinegar that was quite laddy but i didn't shit in it that's the difference and it wasn't like the waiter and if i did if i'd managed to shit in a bottle of vinegar in what would be the skinniest bit of poo of all time to try and get it out you'd have to be quite unwell wouldn't you

this is all sorry so what you're saying you're not laddy no I'm saying I didn't like rough play and I still don't like rough play and that's why I don't really like playing football right okay I just don't enjoy it's football right okay yeah because it's just don't

enjoy yes you hope the your boy will revert to that just so you know son you're weak don't let anyone tell you otherwise however avoid sport at all costs yeah i don't think that's a good thing to say i went to yoga on friday i've just remembered that anyway carry on rob um well my my kids would play they caught my daughters were playing football with the boys and getting stuck in which i quite enjoyed so that was good so i was like but i can't help it i've got a little bit of there was boys there that were being it was older boys playing that were quite good at football but i'm talking like four years older which between the age of five and like nine or ten that is a huge age and he was doing like step overs and roll i went leave it out mate just play with your left foot

but there were quite some of the people there were a little bit more posh and that was a bit and i went oh is it your brother i'll let him tell him to play with his left foot but i forget that i've got an accent sometimes yeah yeah where like obviously i'm not aggressive looking but if i go i leave it out my play you left will you yeah yeah for some of the oh yeah of course you know the moment i hear that phrase i go that's why i don't play football right i was like play with your left mate fuck all right and then part of me wanted just to steam in absolutely just barge him and finish bottom corner but it was a five-year-old's party and you can't really do that.

Tell me about your father's day, Rob. Okay. I'll tell you about my father's day. I'm not sleeping at the moment, Josh. Okay. I've got this watch that tells me about my sleep. We've got, we've got Velux.

Have you heard of Velux? Them slanty windows in our new house. Yeah, I've heard of Velux because I'm, you know. You're from 2023. Yeah.

I've never really dealt with Velux that much in the past. They're in our bedroom. You've never... It's Velux as well, by the way. All right, whatever it is. Velux, right? Anyway, we haven't got blinds on them,

because you can't just buy curtains. You've got to get the special Velux blinds. Yeah. Velux. Whatever. We ain't got them. And you remote control them if they're too high. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's a fucking nightmare. Can you get remote control ones? Yeah, yeah, you can, yeah. Right, okay. And you remote control them if they're too high. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a fucking nightmare. Can you get remote control ones? Yeah, yeah, you can, yeah. Right, okay. Yeah, remote control. Well, anyway, either way, I haven't got my bedroom. So if you quickly Google, because at the moment... Yeah, I understand your problem.

You've got basically a big light turning on in your roof at about 5 a.m. 4.44 at the moment, the sun comes up. I know, because it's happened every day. And what's quite encouraging is, because we're not encouraging, we haven't hit the longest day yet, have we? No. So I started getting up. Oh, that's the end of the week.

You'll be at Blastonbury for that. At 4.54. And every day, 4.53. It's still getting earlier. Luckily, end of the month, we start going back the other way. Anyway, so I'm not sleeping. Father's Day, Father's Night, because it was that big storm, wasn't it? And we've got the Velux, whatever it is.

And it was hailstones. So it's hailstones landing on glass above my head, about three inches from my face, right? So I went to bed about 10, trying to be a good boy, right? Because I've got to get up early. We've got a busy day for Father's Day. Is Lou still in Amsterdam? She's still in Amsterdam, okay? So she's probably watching a woman get a banana

shoved up her ass or something at the moment well i've not seen beyond so life but um i've heard some good reviews um and uh anyway so i went to bed and uh at 10 trying to be a good boy watch tiktok for an hour until the phone fell on my face that's my sort of routine and um anyway and then my daughter woke me up at midnight so and i've had an hour seat the phone fell on my face. That's my sort of routine. And anyway, my daughter woke me up at midnight. And if I'd now see, daughter woke me up at midnight because she had a bad dream. Anyway, take her back in, calm her down. About half 12, go back to bed. Half one, woken up again because it's absolutely torrential rain.

It's been red hot for two weeks. You're woken up by the rain? Yeah, on my face because the Velux. The windows are open because it's so hot. But they're on the roof, aren't they? So you've opened the Velux. Yeah, I because the velux the windows are open it's so hot but they're on the roof aren't they so where does rain go velux yeah open the velux they've been open all night for a week anyway so water on my face oh what's that um oh now i'm running around the entire house trying to shut these windows with my daughter sleeping as well because they've got some in their room so they're not quite to shut there's a clunk right so i'm running around i do all that quite satisfying aren't they though the

not the third one at 1am i'm over that little buzz first two oh that is satisfying isn't it um and i've not really got the knack so every time i do i feel like i'm gonna snap my fingers off right yeah i shut these windows and then um anyway go go back to sleep. 2.30 a.m., hailstones start, thunder and lightning. And I've never lived in the roof before. Normally, I've got a loft. Very loud, especially the hailstones. So they woke me up at 2.30 a.m., like, absolutely piling it down, right? Dogs barking.

We're about to say, long story short, the house is back on the market. No, no, no, the house is back. We're loving the house. Just not a big fan of it. If it thunderstormed every night, it probably would move. But I'll take it once in a while. Anyway, that's about an hour I'm sort of up for because it's really loud. I can't get back to sleep.

Anyway, get back to sleep at half three. 4.30 a.m. Girls come in. Father's Day cards. Morning. So they're up from 4.30 a.m. Oh, my gosh. Literally throw, I would say, a terrible card.

Literally, they've written happy fathers down it, their names. Nothing else. No colouring in. One of them didn't even put it in the envelope because she lost it don't they do it at school um to be fair they did bring back some nice things from school but these are two cards that louis sorted they throw them in my face and then say ipads oh my god and i'm like it's too early for ipads it's half four in the morning but they go back to bed for about 45 minutes come back quarter past five we're all up they've got got their iPads, five as they started.

Anyway, we've got white floor downstairs, white tiles. Let the dog out for a piss. It's not rained for two weeks, is it? Let him out. We haven't got a front garden yet. It's just mud. He comes in. Oh, no.

The entire house is covered in paw prints. Oh, no. Oh, Rob. Absolutely. Oh, no. I'm up at the floor at 5.30 a.m. And my day is I'm taking my kids to a birthday party and then back again oh my god i'm feeling so good about this and that so that was my that

was my father's day um fucking normal there's um did you go back to bed no because they want breakfast they're up and then they don't fall asleep on the sofa or anything if they get up at half four. No, Josh, they will go again to 8pm. Oh, my word. Right. So they're up all day. It's fine. It is what it is.

But, you know, I'm actually enjoying their company and all that. Anyway, obviously, dog needs another piss. I've mopped up, send him out, comes back in. I forgot. Same thing happens. Oh, no. Exactly the same. It's got to the point now, until we sort of get the garden sorted properly

and it's not mud and there's some grass, it's easier to let him shit and piss in the house and just clean that up. But then you're not training your dog, are you? No, no. So that's what's been going on. The other thing we did, we went to, because it's lou's birthday on sunday but we're pretending it's tuesday for the girls oh yeah and she got she got a present was a new bag right and that was all she got because it was quite an expensive bag she just wanted this bag for ages

i got it for she wanted it for beyonce so she's had it she i didn't even wrap it up so the plan was when she comes back we wrap that up and she wants to do mother's like i said let's do your birthday so now i've got like i've had to kick it to three days i've got i'm doing it i'm trying a birthday on tuesday when it's not even a birthday right um and um so we're doing this which finds i took the girls to tk max to get them some get us some presents and that is a quite a good tip if you've got a nice present for your partner but you need something for them to open tk max is good because there's just some hilarious shit in there but it's quite cheap so they've got like this luminous rainbow spoon for £1.99 great love that and a

frying pan of a smiley face on £1.49 there we go really nice yeah they went can we pick mummy some pyjamas right and i was like all right anyway but i thought let's see how this plays out and they found this top right because Lulite's like soft baggy stuff right they've picked this white top there's sort of like sort of too long to be a top but not long enough to cover your full sort of bum and front right yeah and um it's white like a long t-shirt long t-shirt and it's white but so light it is actually see-through so it's a see-through it actually looks like it actually looks quite pornographic you'd imagine someone would wear that on only fans to wear for

the little advert bit before you subscribe to see i don't know what you're talking about yeah but you don't know about only fans no no i do but i don't know about the little advert that you see before you subscribe you must you see these people pop up on your tiktok or instagram where they're like we're in quite revealing clothes and then they'll say subscribe for the full access you don't even get them you don't get that you might see damon albarn in it if the album sales don't go well and he's like click on this link yeah okay anyway so that's's got his pajamas and stuff like that. And so we're doing that on Tuesday. But I've got a slight, the problem I've found is,

because we've moved into a new house, I don't know where anything is, Josh. Well, didn't you unpack? Well, I did unpack, but I've not unpacked, Lou unpacked some of the kids' stuff. So I've just spent the school run just trying to find hair bands and all sorts of do-their-air. And the other thing is, and I've got spent the school run just trying to find hair bands and all sorts of do their hair. And the other thing is, and I've got to be careful about this because I don't want to upset Lou and I don't want to upset some listeners.

But I do think I'm excited now. I'll be honest, that's the ideal start to an anecdote on this podcast. Lou left 6 a.m. Friday morning. It's fine. Did school on friday looked after him all weekend and then school run monday she's back monday lunchtime ish but i don't think she's back in time to do this pickup but it's fine no problem with that three i'm away loads right yeah the issue for me is and it's not even an issue going forward but i thought i think i need a heads up if and it's normally a lady going away,

is going away with their friends for a few days, the three days away is not the problem. It's the three days of build-up before when they're doing stuff for the weekend away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it'll be like going to boots to do a boot shop for the trip. Yeah. Because you can't just take shower gel.

No. And deodorant. There needs to be a new bag of stuff. Famously, it's very difficult to locate a boots in an airport yes exactly there's none there and do you know about do you know about amsterdam no pharmacies they don't they don't even get involved in drugs in any way over there um and then it'll be like oh you know i'm gonna get my nails done yeah then it's eyelashes eyebrows yeah lou one day on the wednesday i took the kids to school because she was getting her hair done in the morning and she went to brixton at 10 a.m and then i said um are you right to pick them up she went i can't i'm getting my hair done i was

like what till four what are they doing what are you having done and she went no no no i'm doing it at my mum's i was like no but you're going to brixton she went, no, no, no, I'm doing it at my mum's. I was like, no, but you're going to Brixton. She went, yeah, I'm getting it cut in Brixton and then coloured at my mum's. I didn't know these were two different things. It's two trips, Josh. It's gone. I've booked off work for, like, I book Friday, Saturday, Sunday off. It's Monday's day and I'm working, but I'll drop the kids off, I'll get them later. So I've booked three days off already for like i booked friday saturday sunday i thought it's monday's day and i'm working but i'll

drop the kids off i'll get them later so i've booked three days off already for lou's birthday but then i'm so i'm ramming all my work schedule into the week before but now i'm also still doing sort of slightly extra parenting that that is fine because i but i lou i think when lou's telling me when she's going away, I need to know about the two days before. I need to know the schedule pre-departure. I imagine that's my week leading up to Glastonbury. Well, that's the thing.

I think that needs to be a bit more of an open conversation between partners because now is Lou up to her standard to go to Glastonbury or am I looking down the barrel of another three day where she's in brixton and her mum's house for eight hours oh there you go there you go um here's one rob i go on i feel awkward about it obviously you do as well yeah and also i feel slightly like we're you know men complaining about how long women get to get ready to get ready also as well we are very aware that there's been a spate of not many women and mums on the podcast, but we've got loads booked coming up. We've got loads booked coming up.

It's just the way it's fallen, but we are aware of that and we try and keep it fair. So don't panic. Yeah. Don't worry. Don't worry. Right. Go on. What have you been doing now?

Night before we went to Greece. Yeah. Rose, spray tan. I love the... The slowness of you doing this because you're nervous. Do we need the tan to go on the hot holiday? That's the point. That's my understanding.

Yeah. But you need to start with a tan. Is that what they suggested? That's the point. But if the night before we set off for Glastonbury, I went to watch the Arctic monkeys, I think Rose would go, but you don't need,

I just want to make sure I know all the songs. I'm ready for it. And I know this as well. Like, you know, and this isn't just Rose. Lou does this as well. And I'm sure there's't just rose lou does this as well and i'm sure there's lots of people do this rose it must be aware she's arriving arriving with you and your incredibly pale children so it's obvious that you know if a four arrive and there's one glowing i know that's not it's all a slight facade isn't it yeah i mean

this is i'd say i'm at my most tanned at the moment this is you have you ever got like really brown do you know what rob this is embarrassing i i looked in the mirror a couple of days ago. Yeah. And I don't just mean this is like how tanned I go normally in summer. I thought this is the most tanned I've ever been. Really? This is. Do you know what? I think I haven't got burned this summer.

I think this is the best I've ever, the best my skin's ever looked. And what, what, Sean, what are you doing? Do you wear 50 all the time 50 all the time wait even on cold days it's still penetrating yeah well give you a bit of a i wouldn't say you like you've got a color but also but this is the most tanned you've ever been i think this is the most tanned you've ever been? I think this is the most tanned I've ever been. Look at the dark. I actually go quite brown if I go in the sun quite a lot. It goes red then to brown.

But when I was in Jamaica, I put 50 on my face every day. And the sun is so strong there that I still burn my forehead. And I put 50 on it nonstop all day. And to a point where Romesh got burnt. Because Romesh has got quite an arrogance when it comes to sunscreen you don't need a second part of that sentence I tell you the least arrogant man I've ever met absolutely probably the person in the UK who hates Romesh the most is Romesh. You know we were talking about me not being able to deal with the heat.

I've got to open the window because I'm sweating. Okay, go for it, mate. That's all right. Yeah. Are you watching? Have you watched? Can you still hear me? Yeah, yeah, mate.

That's how mics work. Not that far away. I'm watching a thing. I've watched a thing about celebrity, Rob, that I think's how mics work. Not that far away. I'm watching a thing. I've watched a thing about celebrity, Rob, that I think you'd probably enjoy. Go on. It's called The Bling Ring. The Bling Ring.

Is this a Rose thing, or are you watching it on your own? It's about these teenagers that robbed all these Hollywood people, like Paris Hilton and someone who was in the Hills, who I'd never heard of in the around 2009. It's fucking incredible. Yeah. It's on Netflix. It's brilliant. That's a bit of me.

That is. I've been watching the Arnold Schwarzenegger one as well. Yeah. I loved the Arnold Schwarzenegger one. He's what made me want to do steroids. Obviously won't very bad for you. Oh oh other things i want to talk about um my my daughter's got a bunk bed in her room now and yeah my daughter wants a fucking bunk bed and they love it but they they've got separate rooms but they at the weekend sometimes share beds

together they're both wanting me the youngest one gets a bit nightmares and stuff and wanted me to like sort of stroke her arm so she goes to sleep she likes that right so i was stroking her arm and then the other one who doesn't really care but she just sort of gets a bit jealous if the young one's getting something went can you stroke my arm too i was like oh no i can't really reach when i went like this yeah so she went i'll just put my arm down so i've got one down and one up there like that so this is an absolute piece i'm sort of like bent up like that just stroking two arms like that because normally it's a one stroke policy you've got your phone of course i'm just saying i think i contemplated buying google glasses so i could just sit there looking at instagram staring forward i um i've implemented in my uh i got down to four hours a day on my screen time this week rob

did you and i've implemented i don't take my phone downstairs in the morning well done uh rose was furious this morning when she left without something and then she had to come and knock back on the door because she messaged and he was upstairs because my phone was upstairs um but yeah that's when you miss your phone is when i'm because my daughter likes to be cuddled to sleep which i like i do like it so you have to fully cuddle or sleep, which I like. I do like it. So you have to fully cuddle her or is she cuddling you? No, it's like, I almost like drape my arm like a dead man's arm across her. Yeah, they love a dead man's arm just on their back. Yeah, they love a dead man's arm.

What's that? I could easily just replace it with something. She doesn't know I'm there. Yeah, just get like a heavy teddy. Yeah. Or just, why don't you get your arm cast in like, you know, like Alex Brooker's got a prosthetic leg. Yeah, just get like a heavy teddy. Yeah. Or just, why don't you get your arm cast in like, you know, like Alex Brooker's got a prosthetic leg. Yeah, yeah.

Go to that guy and get a prosthetic arm that's exactly like your arm and just put it on her back. Talking about lack of sleep as well, Josh, I want to talk you through this because I've got his watch that tells you how much I've slept. Yeah. Do you want to know my sleeping for the week? See what you think.

Go on. Let's start with the 13th of June, 6 hours 41. It's not bad, is it? I think that's good. That's not bad. That was one of my best ones. Didn't wake up all night.

That was good. Next night, 3 hours 50. Not great. That's awful. That's because I had to be up for stuff. Yeah, so that one.

And then 5 hours 46. Next one, 5 hours. Fucking hell, Rob. This was a good one i'll wake three times but seven hours sleep oh that's good i can't sleep through this one 18 this is this was the father's day one yeah let's see this this was when i was talking about the v-lux and all that in the rain and the kids waking me up five hours 17 minutes yep yeah Guess how many times I was awake? How many? Seven times.

Fucking Nora, Rob. The yellow's awake. Oh my God. And how does this outwork? You just wear it on your wrist. It's just a phone

on your wrist. Anyway, last time I went too bad. Six hours sleep, two awakes. Oh, bank it. Bank it.

So Rose gave me a lion for Father's Day. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I wanted. I said, I just want to be left in bed with a cup of tea and a book for an hour. And that is really all you need on Father's Day.

And then just get up and do the day normally. It doesn't need to be a big overblown thing. Oh, and I'll tell you another thing about Father's Day, actually. And so normally I'm the first to get up, Rob. I feel like I've said a couple of things about Rose in this episode. It's like we are queuing her up. There's a few things in the recent episodes I feel she does need to respond to. So we... Feel free.

We'll get back on. We've not had Rose on for a little while. Yeah. So my daughter woke up at quarter six. Yep. I said, it's too early. Go back to sleep. About 20 minutes later,

can I have the iPad? Yeah, it's pointless. She's on our floor because her room is too hot at the moment fair enough and she hasn't got your boy's got an air con thing yeah we've got to get an air con for her room it's a bit unfair well that could they where you live those kind of houses get red hot yeah it's sort of it's hard to they're built to keep the heat with the bants that's going on in our house as well. That's adding to it. What were you and Rose up to?

Just bring the heat. Too bloody right, mate. People come back in and go, the sun hasn't even been out. It's a scorcher in here. Basically, she wanted to get up at about 6.30. Yeah. My daughter. She was quite bored.

She was quite excited about Father's Day, giving him a gift. I was awake. Yeah. Rose is still asleep, going back to sleep saying i'll get up in a minute yeah and i'm like at this stage i could just get up but this is my free lion yeah and i thought also if i do get up it'll be see it's a quite a passive aggressive move well that's the thing isn't it you you can that it's a real well fine i'll get up then yeah i'll just get up then shall i on my day yeah so basically i'm trapped in bed until rose

gets up because you don't want to be accused so it's a lose-lose for you isn't it even though i'm ready i'm ready to get up you probably just quite like to get up anyway i never quite like to get up because i don't think i'll ever go back to lying in there i can't see myself ever sleeping beyond seven or seven a.m i'm ready for the day at 6 30 rose isn't ready but i can't leave the bed because it'll be seen as a passive aggressive move where i think and you're not even that bothered no no i just want a cup of tea but i can't go make it myself because i box myself in get up wake up make me a cup of tea but i can't go make it myself because i boxed myself in get up wake up make me a cup of tea it's daddy's day yeah i can't do that i can't get out myself the whole thing was an absolute

because also the the the big sort of like what's that like uno card thing that they've got where it basically turns it back on you is that they go well it's my you know it's my dad's day as well and then they can change the the the way of the day where it'll be like i know it's your father's day rob but also it's my dad so i want to go and see him as well at it's my dad's day as well and then they can change the the the way of the day where it'll be like i know it's your father's day rob but also it's my dad so i want to go and see him as well at some point my dad stayed over saturday night because they come up to see the girls and stuff yeah and then he went to bed and i gave him like his present and stuff and he went in the morning rob when you get out of them give him some breakfast and bring him in then we can do all the presents bring him in and then we can do all the stuff and i went

what and my mum went dave you do realize rob's a dad too anyway do you realize rob's a dad too and he might want you know the girls to you know go and see him or something and dad went yeah but it's i'm i'm his dad she went yeah yeah we get that also i don't know what else my dad's done my dad's right he's got he's got loads he's got white hair so when he goes swimming he come back from spain his hair can go a bit yellowy from the chlorine right because it can affect what really white hair it's like old man problem can look a bit weird and yellowy so he started washing with this like purple shampoo stuff to put color back into it like the right color but he bought it from like home bargains

for a quid and it's air's gone blue he's got like this blue rinse i should just add i did get my hour uh in bed with my book and that was very pleasant so what happened did you get up then or did rose get up up? No, Rose got up. Oh, so Rose got up. Yeah. When? At seven. At seven. And then what was your daughter doing at that point? Cause that's a reasonable time to get up.

And then you stayed in bed till eight. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's, that's fair then. But was your daughter on your case for that half an hour? She was just bored of watching the iPad. What?

After half an hour? I think she wouldn't normally be like that, but she was just excited. You probably wanted to get up with Rose to do like cup of tea for dad for father's day. Exactly. Exactly. There we go.

But we went to, then I went to gymnastics. Rose gave me that as well. It was a very nice morning to be honest in that. You went gymnastics. Gymnastics is the easy one because gymnastics is drop your daughter gymnastics. Then you get an hour to yourself.

And then. Cause there's no parents allowed i got absolutely stitched up with lou where that when she was getting her hair done i was like well i'll pick them up and she went they've got swimming i was like right so i was even she was telling me all this when i was leaving the house like i was even has to drop them off at half seven in the morning and i had to go straight off to up to london to do some meetings and then come back yeah you come up from school and she went and they've got swimming i was like well i'm not coming back to the house it's their night to

take like my swimming kit their swimming kit with me put in the car to park at the station so it's all fine and then she went it's 5 30 swimming i went oh loads so anyway i got back picked up from school drove over ordered them some food at the at the swimming pool this little cafe place it was quarter i ordered the food at quarter to five swimming's at 5 30 yeah text uh lu going oh i hope you're getting on are you getting on blah blah i was like um worked out quite well actually getting back from the station so i picked him up all the food so we got 45 minutes room to eat play and then we can you know go swimming and then anyway i looked at looked at the thing swimming's at five i went lu you sure it's five or is it five she went oh yeah

sorry it's five i got it wrong so now i'm sat in a cafe with like beans on toast not even arrived yet i can see the other kids in their class getting changed for swimming oh god luckily i said to go with mate if there's any chances beans and beans on toast can come quicker and he went on it and he brought his beans and toast out and david lloyd beckinham big up he brought his beans and toast out so quick and then that they ate it so fast because they were starving because they normally a bit earlier i reckon they were still chewing as they got in the pool and the whole time i was watching i was like they're gonna film it they're gonna vomit but my kid's gonna vomit beans up immediately but they did they survived just about could i just say on the Father's Day Gymnastics, my friend who's got one kid who's the best friend of my daughter

and they've got another kid on the way. And they do listen to the podcast or the mum does, but she's so far behind that she's not going to hear this for another six months. He texted me and he was like, I can't believe you've gone to gymnastics on Father's Day. I thought you'd stay at home. And I was like, mate, you don't realise how easy you've got it at the moment.

Gymnastics is soon to become the easy bit, mate. I know. The other day, it was so busy. The thing you're currently avoiding is soon to be your best option. It's going to be your favourite bit of the week. Yeah. The other night, it was so busy in my house. It's going to be your favourite bit of the week. Yeah. It was so busy in my house. Stuff was going on.

I was working. Louis was here. Blah, blah, blah. It was just carnage. And then I was getting them to bed and I had these invoices I hadn't paid for something for ages and they were like chasing me on it and I just forgot because I've been busy. And then, you know, it's a sit-down admin job.

I actually said in my head, oh, once I get the kids to sleep, I can just sit down and pay those invoices. That shouldn't be the truth. That was my treat. I think the heat, the heat gets me stressed, especially when you're about to take them on the school run and you remember you've not put sun cream on them and then they're kicking off because they don't want the cream.

And when it's hot and kids keep asking for stuff, it's just like you can't, your sweat's dripping off your leg, burning up like that. And all I want to do is just wipe my bum and sit down. I remember because don't you get a sweaty bum when it's hot? Not as bad as you. My sweaty bum is outrageous when it's hot. That's right.

My back and ass is where I sweat most. Pits barely happens. It's horrible being an ass sweater. Mine's face, mine's face mine's face just dripping off the face my face i hate it rob i hate the heat i hate it so much you know what i hate as well not only having instant coffee because we had instant coffee for a week because we mean you need to buy a coffee machine because i cannot function on instant coffee anymore josh it doesn't i'm like a junkie i need the hardcore stuff me and lou so we had no coffee machine it was just instant and because we've had proper coffee

we've been being we've been grinders josh i think we spoke about this before we grind our bean in the morning and that's how we drink coffee i'm on this game rob i don't want to hear so we've been on instant coffee and then we run out of instant coffee and then we didn't even have a kettle so we'd be doing most mornings with zero coffee me and lou i actually think if coffee was banned me and lou would have to divorce we hated each other look if we've not had a coffee in the morning it was just a venom you know i'd say more from lou towards me i'm a little bit more chilled and lou would admit to this but she hates me and then like we go to a cafe and then have a coffee we like each other again yeah it was just awful so we're coffee machine now it's bad i've become my tea addiction has got worse rob yeah how much how many you having eight is that because now

you're not drinking and stuff it's sort of like a little buzz off the coffee i think i'm still getting to coffee i can't recommend could i cause I put a call out and this is, um, say I get too sad for coffee. No, not with this one. You'll love it. You can do what you want with it.

Change it. Sage Oracle touch. They sent us a coffee machine. So thank you very much. And they, I didn't pay for it. They did send it to me. I'm just going to be honest.

I said I needed coffee. Lou hates me. And they literally got my address and sent me a coffee machine. So thank you very much. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you're on the verge of a divorce, you've got to take freebies when a coffee machine so thank you very much don't look a gift horse in the mouth if you're on the verge of a divorce you've got to take freebies when you can josh yeah i did look a gift full transparency rob go on i mean the power of this i know it's bad we didn't intend this to happen yeah the power of this podcast i got offered in the space of a week three fizzy water water taps. Are you going to take one?

Not at this moment. Not at this moment. We are potentially having our kitchen redone next year. What, in your house where you are? Yeah. It's amazing. No, we're going to knock. Well, I don't know, Rob.

Rose wants to do it. It's fucking amazing. No, no, no, no. We want to knock so that it's a big glass at the end so that it goes into the garden. Right, at the moment, yeah, you just go out one little side door rather than it being opened. Just a little side door into the garden rather than opening it to the garden. When did you get it done?

When we moved in. Oh, right. Fucking incredibly six years ago. Yeah, so it's tricky because you sort of, the kitchen's got more legs in it, but you want to use the space. Well, we'd still keep... Most of the kitchen.

No, we wouldn't. No, we wouldn't. Fucking hell, don't. You wouldn't. Anyway, we're not doing it, unless we might be doing it, if my point about Rose not getting up on Father's Day goes down badly. When she did a brilliant job, it was just that 20 minutes.

You've had to apologise and buy a new kitchen in the space of one sentence. Fucking kill me. I'm weak. Oh, do you know what I found recently, Rob? I was looking for something. I found my diaries from the first two years I did stand up. John, let's save this for a correspondence session.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that we've got, we're really out of time now. I've got a couple more bits to tell you about this week. So it makes sense. Yeah.

Oh, one about the sun cream. I don't know if I told you this last week. I forgot to put sun cream on on one day when I came home from work, Lou had gotten from school. My daughter came out with a face that was bright red, like blood. Right? Yeah.

And I went, oh, my God. She's done PE or something or been out sports or something all day and completely burnt her face to the point where she's probably going to have to go to doctors. As I got closer to her, it was face paint. But for a moment, I thought I'd, like, burnt my child's face off. Other things to let you know. Ah, ah you know there's loads of thunderstorms i yeah i when i was a kid i used to get really bad leg aches before it stormed and it wasn't like a a bruise or a dead leg from football or an injury just weird ache like also a bit like my lou used to get it when she was pregnant these sort of like

they're called restless leg i think it's called restless leg syndrome and it just they just ache and ache and ache and then you can't relax and all that anyway i googled it apparently it's the pressure changing in the weather system and in the atmosphere that affects your legs what and joints so if you really and because if there's a big change so when it was really hot and dry that week wasn't it and then it went it moved to that weird humidity thunderstorms we all had that change in the atmosphere pressure can affect your legs and get your achy achy legs i thought i was going mental but it is a thing interesting it's a thing um and oh yeah two things one um this is hilarious when we first moved in i don't know i didn't tell you about it i think we recorded one before it happened.

We moved in on like the Saturday and then the following Friday, we went out for drinks with some friends and their house is about 10 minutes away. We managed to get an Uber there, right? From the countryside Uber. There are some knocking about.

Anyway, we got an Uber there, get there, and then the babysitter comes and my daughter was a bit clingy about us going and stuff. It was like, she knows the babysitter. It was like, all right, it's fine. And then the babysitter comes and my daughter was a bit was a bit clingy about us going and stuff it's like she knows the babysitter it was all right it's fine and then um the toilet's been the toilet's fixed now but it was leaking a little bit would occasionally keep keep like

water kept coming in the system then it would drip down and then anyway we got it fixed we thought the plumber would come around fix it and then we went out for the evening sat down literally i'd been from that week of moving in i'd been doing boxes the whole time and it was like right the house is in a decent enough state now to have people around sit down i literally got handed a beer as i got handed a beer my phone rang the babysitter said the the bathroom's flooding didn't drink the beer anyway i went don't worry i'm coming right and then my friend drove me in his car so i've ruined his evening he's just finished work for the week but now we're driving to my house and we're driving and he's a he's an agent he looks after people right and i'm a comedian i went are you any good

at house stuff and he went couldn't you couldn't have someone worse in a car with you i just do phone calls all day i just talk to people i've got i can't do that right so we're driving we pull in right you pull up to my house i walk into my house i have got no idea what to do no of course not i don't know what all i know is it's like you so i walk in and i just grab a knife from the drawer because i haven't even got a screwdriver or i haven't got i've got nothing right but i know sometimes that a knife can do it, right? So I grab a knife from the drawer. It's pissing out of water. I just look at it and I look to the side.

There's one metal pipe coming out the side and it's got one of them like flat lines. Not a screwdriver four that looks like a crosshair. Yeah, yeah. Not a Philips. Not a Philips. I mean, there'll be people screaming at their headphones what we're trying. Either a flathead or something, is it called? Flatheadshair. Yeah, yeah. Not a Philips. Not a Philips. I mean, there'll be people screaming at their headphones, what we're trying.

Either a flathead or something, is it called? Flathead, flathead. Yeah, yeah, flathead. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I just look at that and I was like, here goes. And I just put it in. And I didn't know if it was going to make it worse, better, explode. Put it like that.

Turned it. Stopped. Oh, my God. I just, it just felt, you know, like, where people feel like they believe in Jesus and miracles. Yeah. Because I felt like that, I've never done anything so impressive in my life.

I walked in and immediately turned around. And I just felt unbelievable, Josh. And did you go straight back to the pub? Yeah. And then I went, is everything all right? And all good? And then my daughter. You should have just walked out silently but i literally and then i got back in the car said to my mate i was like i had no idea what i was doing i walked in there oh but that was that but that

was all i had that was the only thing i thought i could do just that little thing amazing but yeah so that that i was quite impressed with that um positive oh other news report yeah and we can talk about on another episode. Let's do a little cliffhanger. I did a gig for the England football team at St. George's Park. Did you? Yeah. How did it go?

The whole squad. I think we need a longer episode to talk about it. Okay. To discuss how that went. Yeah. And we're getting another dog. So I'll see you next week. You are fucking weak.

You are. Oh, no. Oh, no. You're getting another dog. Just have a baby. Lou wants a third baby. Do it, Rob. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Anyway, it's fine. I really wanted another one. So it's good. I do, actually. You poor fucking cat. He's all right. He's another one So it's good I do actually Your poor fucking cat He's alright He's loving it He's a farm cat now He's got like his own little area

He's loving life Yeah, yeah Oh no Oh no Oh She's a small business show I'm gonna talk about My fucking kitchen extension

And now here he comes With his extra dog At least i like my kitchen so it's an extension no it's not an extension it's not it's not happening is it anyway we'll talk about that another time we'll do the nuts and bolts of that next week or something yeah hello please could i get a small business shout out for my sister-in-law she owns the cocktail and cupcake club a horse box renovated into a cocktail bar which can be hired for private events such as birthdays weddings and corporate

events she also does personalized cocktails and cakes for occasions throughout bedfordshire buckinghamshire hertfordshire and surrounding areas but he's happy to travel outside these locations she's also just had a little boy in april so he's juggling her business and my little nephew and he's doing an amazing job her instagram is the cocktail and cupcake club p.s i've been listening since the beginning of the podcast and my wife is now pregnant with our first child which is due in november i'm excited and nervous after listening to your stories keep being sexy and relatable thanks tom perrin there you go the cocktail and cupcake club i searched a word rob in the document to find one perfect for you hi fam my nct group introduced me to your

podcast 10 months ago when pregnant with my first baby and i've been binging on episodes ever since while driving around in my van i own a dog bakery oh who's cooking dogs hey a bit of fun bit of fun called four-legged fancies making natural homemade wheat-free treats for dogs even if you've got two Oh, who's cooking dogs? Hey. Bit of fun. Bit of fun. Called Four-Legged Fancies, making natural homemade wheat-free treats for dogs, even if you've got two dogs. Change of tone as they put in the auto cue of... What, the one show? Okay.

Lockdown devastated us as a business as overnight we lost all of our outdoor events like food festivals and agricultural shows that sustained our business. Change of tone. We specialise in the largest selection of gluten-free birthday cakes for dogs, all designed specifically for mail order. Party princess cakes, tennis balls cakes.

Oh, that's good. Tennis balls cakes. Dinosaur cakes, pup cakes. You name it, we bake it. Check us out. Order our doggy birthday cake online at www.fourleggedfancies.co.uk. Lots-U-R, leggedfancies.co.uk. Lots of love, Vicky, fourleggedfanciesdogbakery. That, my friend, is the show today.

See you next week. Bye.