Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP5: "We want mummy back!"

Episode Date: January 24, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to Erin, can you say Rob? Rob. Can you say Beckett? Beckett. Can you say Josh? Josh. Widdicombe? Beckett. Good girl. Oh, she absolutely blew it at the end. Oh, it was unbelievable.

It was a complete... What happened? I was getting ready to say the best we've ever had. I was getting to say the new technique of doing one word at a time rather than two is obviously better, but obviously didn't work in the end hi rob and josh this is erin 19 months old um me you did that because you were you were editing yourself as you went to see if you said year old no i wasn't actually i was i was moving the because we have the cameras on now rob as you know yeah yeah boy but we don't

I don't like to look at them and I was looking at it was in my peripheral vision I was just moving it out of shot right okay me and my husband love listening to the podcast and it's always a sure way

to make us chuckle even on those hard parenting days thank you for making us smile Claire and John from Sunny Broadstairs very nice Broadstairs isn't it lovely lovely

lovely little place nice ice cream shop there on the front Morellies yeah it's good isn't it I've been to Broadstairs absolutely lovely I Broadstairs, isn't it? Lovely. Lovely little place. Nice ice cream shop there on the front morellies. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? I've been to Broadstairs. I've liked it. I'm glad we bring you joy on the difficult days. But for balance, your daughter's shit at saying the name and it's your fault as parents.

Exactly. Exactly. Just a little bit of balance. Sorry, I've been on Radio 2, so you have to give a balanced opinion. Of course. I forgot you're a BBC man now. I really play into it, though, where I said some of the text didn't go in.

How many opinions are you giving at all, Unraged? None. They're all mine. They're all mine. None of the views of the BBC. But someone emailed in and said, oh, I saw Joan Collins at a petrol station getting some petrol. And I went, or diesel or LPG. We will not be showing a bias on this station about fossil fuels um josh i tell you what i

don't care what greta thunberg says if there was an old tire and a bonfire in my garden i'd be launching it on that i am freezing it's so cold i can't handle it freezing i can't handle the cold i went out to the car in my shorts this morning. Yeah. That's a bit of a walk for you because you haven't got a drive or you have to. No, I haven't got a drive. No. You park further down the road, don't you?

I go around the corner I park because I'm on quite a busy road. Yeah, yeah. And I could park directly outside my house. But it's on a route where people are constantly, cars are shimmying past other cars. Shimmying? I've never seen a car shimmy sideways like that. No, no, no.

With little nipple tassels on. Yeah, yeah. Sexily shimmying past. No, there's often cars slowly going past other cars, and I just think it's got wing mirror taken off, written out all over it once every six months. So I park around the corner. Yeah.

Anyway, I went around in my shorts. It wasn't an anecdote I meant to bring up. What kind of shorts are we talking? I've not seen your pins. You don't like wearing shorts that often, do you? I do. I wear shorts all the time around the house. Yeah, I know. It's my favourite house wear.

It's my favourite house wear. But not out and about. Well, I wear these. What's that? Oh, we've got video of me. They're just shorts. They're just black shorts. Yeah, but you don't wear them out and about, do you? Well, no, it wear these. What's that? Oh, we've got video. They're just shorts. They're just black shorts. Yeah, but you don't wear them out and about, do you?

Well, no, it's January. Well, you're the one in shorts around the corner. I'm literally telling an anecdote about wearing them out and about. Right, and what's the rest of the anecdote? There's no anecdote. I was just agreeing with you that it was cold. What did you go to the car for? It's not on my list of anecdotes.

Is there anything exciting? I've noted in my phone to tell on the podcast this week. What did you go to the car for? It's not on my list of anecdotes I've noted in my phone To tell on the podcast this week What did you go to the car for? A pair of gloves Hello? I don't know why that's funny Just someone Not wearing enough clothes

To go get gloves With his legs there Get some trousers on No one should be putting gloves on Before trousers Unless you're playing Professional football No they were for my daughter To to be fair, the gloves.

Tiny little gloves. I'll tell you what I've got. I've got like a rug, not a rug, like a blanket over my legs like I'm an old person. Why are you doing this podcast? Yeah, look. Oh, my God. I feel a bit like, you know, like an old novelist

that they need to complete the trilogy and he's too old or she's too old to do it. So, like, the agents around the government, I've got a blanket for your legs. See how you get on. Try and do a hundred words. So why is it so cold for you? It's minus five today.

It said on my little thing. I've got a heater on full blast. If you can hear that in the background, I'm sorry, but I will not be able to. It's so cold in my little shed thing that I put my headphones in my ears and they were so cold i screamed because it felt like oh that's because they were going inside me because they're not like big over their little ones like little ones you get when you've got an iphone yeah headphones and little ones like wired ones yeah it's so cold um

anyway but when's it gonna get warmer it's been this it's been frosty for ages my my water's gone again in fact i'm waiting for a call from my plumber oh really your water's gone yeah hot water well no no water pressure which is related to the hot water right okay you know how to do that pressure in the boiler yourself though get it in a little green area didn't work oh you've done that you know that one though that's entry-level boiler stuff i did the thing that worked last time it didn't work well we in between basically we um got that little computerized you know the little app thing for the heater the nest whatever they call it we got one of them and basically what had happened was that something had broken the boiler we've changed it now and the temperature was

getting too hot and it broke the thing so now we've got it on like an even level, but in between getting a new thing, some sort of stat, whatever it was called, the plumber guy taught me through putting on the manual override. Oh God. Which meant it just had hot water the whole time. And then obviously you turn it off and you program it,

which is what we've got now. And it comes on and off at the right times. I manually, and he made me take photos of my boiler and then he sent me back photos, but he'd drawn on them. Amazing. Of like which pipe and which one to do. So I manually overrided the hot water. I felt like, you know the bloke in Jurassic Park

when he tries to escape after doing something naughty? Yeah. I was going to say the fat bloke, but can you say that now? No, but it was an old film, so it's fine. Yeah, that's fine, isn't it? I don't know if you can say that. At the time, that's the character he played. I don't, I really don't.

I don't want to sound like one of them, like, Gabbans, like, sort of old broadcasters. They get on Good Morning Britain to, like, defend the royals. You know them people that sort of wheel out. But I don't know. I genuinely really am struggling. I don't know what you to say anymore. I think you're doing a very good job, Rob, of a man. I'd say, I'd say actually, Rob,

you're far more progressive than people realise you are because you're absent. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, right. Yeah. That's always going to drag me down a little bit, isn't it? No, no, no, but it buys...

No, it doesn't drag you down, does it? It buys you. They go, oh, yeah, but it's just cheeky, chappy Rob Beckett. Yeah, he's saying Bird in a loving way. Yeah, exactly. He's sold it, bloody hell, mate. Oh, come here, Treacle. I've never called anyone Treacle.

No, if I called someone treacle i'd be arrested and rightly so yeah but bird is a bit dismissive if you know the person's name but i think a bird's bird's okay if you don't know the person they're dating because bird originally means you've told me this before it feels like it's your defense that you have to wheel out about once a week all right love let me explain this sit down alright where's my tea this is how the words work don't make me

explain to you the meaning of bird but I don't really use bird that much anymore I don't meet new people to be honest everyone's got a wife

that I know their name now bird gets used a lot oh no bird gets used a lot oh he's got a new bird when you don't know who it is

but you'd say bird instead of girlfriend but I wouldn't in person go that's my mate steve and that's his bird and just point out a woman no no no of course that would you have used would you have used bird in the in the olden days in the olden day what 2015 when when you were 20 when you're in your 20s i would use bird as in in he's bringing his bird or he's out of his bird or he's got a new bird, but only if I didn't know who they were. You know when someone starts seeing someone? I think that's a region thing.

Yeah, so it's not like I would never ever refer to, oh, just some birds, or if I knew a person, I wouldn't say, oh, what are you doing with that bird? Like once I got their names, I would. But if you didn't know and someone said, oh, he's out, they'll just go, he's out of a new bird. Like, are we seeing someone? Would you ever refer to Lou as your bird? No.

Never. But yeah, that's the only time I'd use the word bird. But then they use that word pet, don't they, in Newcastle? Yeah, that's a bit weird, isn't it? How's your week been, Rob? How has your week been? I am tired. I am a mess.

This is big. Because last time we left you, I am tired. This is big. Because last time we left you, Lou had gone away for a week to the Big Apple. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what?

I was cocky because I looked after them when she went away on holiday a few years ago for five nights. They had a one-year-old and a three-year-old. And I was like, well, seven and five in school this is gonna be a piece of piss but actually what i found was it was i can't wait i can't wake up i'm not very good at waking up in the morning so everything was 10 times harder for me until about 10 a.m so does not lou normally do the early mornings normally lou gets up with them about half six because she's an early bird i wake up about half seven and then i will do help with like last bits and bobs of getting them dressed shoes on teeth and then i made i didn't know this i'll take them to um school and then i'll come back and go to go to work so that's how we know because lou's up at half six anyway normally

so but i can't do it so i'll get up at half seven ish and then um do the school run in exchange for the hour you do the school run yeah exactly but then sometimes that changes depending on my work or sometimes if lou's knackered i'll get up and just do it and we stop and change like if i'm not working or whatever i'll i'll get up at half six but the default is your half seven i'd say that's about right about half seven um so a few things happened uh my seven-year-old got a black eye, sent us a score of a black eye, quite a bad one. She lifted up her jiggly bug, you know that thing we spoke about?

Right, yeah. For some reason lifted it up. Rob, just for people who didn't listen to last week, that does sound like a euphemism, so let's just be clear. It's like a little scooter where you sit on your bum and wiggle. Right, okay. She lifted that up onto the sofa for God knows what reason and smashed herself in the eye.

Oh, my God. It's quite a bad one. But I'll send you the picture of the black eye if you want it. She's got a black eye. It's really bad as well. But, like, it looked to be, like, eye shadows. It looked like make-up. But, yeah, I sent it to Lou and I was like,

oh, just so you know, she's got a black eye. And she was like, oh, you should tell the teachers that she's got a black eye. And I she was like oh you should tell the teachers that she's got a black eye and i was like yeah why they'll know do you know what i mean i don't think it's gonna be like oh it's a proper shiner i know it's bad one isn't it but then i think my word this brings us back to the mental load kind of thing that we've been speaking about recently does it well for me i don't know if it does or doesn't well for me i lou would go oh god i've got to tell the school about a black eye i'm like do you that's an opinion based thing like i'd i'd you're increasing your admin load there and i'm not i'm not telling

them but who's right who's wrong i think my my policy is ignorance is bliss wait and then apologize oh sorry i didn't realise I had to tell you. Basically, rather than, like, be reactive rather than proactive. I think if you're being proactive, it feels like you're trying to get your story in first. I think, with a black-eyed kid, I just think, just go, yeah, yeah, and then just explain when they ask. I mean, if they, you know, that's my policy anyway,

but I didn't have the time to send it. Did they ask? No, no one cared. You were quite panicked. I had a meeting with you about our live show. Yeah, that was a bad day. Yeah. That was a bad day.

Well, no, it wasn't the meeting. It was great, Rob. Just to have anyone who's got tickets. No, the meeting was great. But yeah, so... The last hour was a very... There was a lot of energy coming off you. Right, okay, So hear me out.

Right. So I've been, I was getting up at half six, getting them ready, dropping them off to school at eight. And then I was having, was doing lots of podcasts. I had to go to the bank to do a transfer, which is always stressful. I just think if you work full time, if you work full time, whether you're a single parent or there's two parents and they're both working full time, I don't know how you look after your children or get anything done

because it's impossible. Like, we're very lucky and privileged that Lou's not back at work yet and things like that. But he's just absolutely carnage. So I'd get him up, drop him off, and then I had to go off and do all my stuff. Then I got up to Farringdon with you to go through the meeting and was getting all that done. But then I got my – because the meeting was overrunning –

not overrunning, but was going to finish later and pick up, I got the father-in-law grand granddad's going to get them from school. But then the nan had taken our house key with her somewhere else. So he was like, oh, I'm going to have to take them back to mine, which is a longer walk. It was really cold. And then I was like, well, I'll order them some food. And then I was like, I'll order them some like McDonald's,

just go to the house. And then we were in a meeting about, I said, how many screens do you want at the arena? And then my father-in-law was like, they don't want McDonald's just go to the house and then we're in a meeting about I say what's how many screens do you want at the arena and then my father-in-law's like they don't want McDonald's they want peter express one with cheese but I was like oh my so I'm trying to order a pizza no he hasn't he's his phone he has got the iphone one I didn't think it would still work he's not done a software update for years. And occasionally on Instagram, he'll send me love arts on a post about something that does not deserve love arts because he doesn't know what he's doing.

Please tell me he's got Spotify, Rob. He's got a pair of trainers from 1998. This is not a man that's ordering food on the move. Not because he collects trainers. No, not because he's a sneakerhead. This man's got a pair of white Nike Monarchs for taking the bins out. Lovely granddad, lovely man.

Do anything for you, but he's not, I wouldn't say he's on top of things with the old apps. So then I'm trying to send that to them. But basically, we've um a lady's coming to help the seven-year-old a tutor with her maths okay right because i wanted to talk about this another episode but i haven't got i didn't have time i josh i would say i am borderline thick i don't know if you can what do you mean borderline rob when it comes to academia i am i basically i think i could have got a free computer if I went down the right channels.

I am not the full ticket. When it comes to life, I'm all right. You're both one of the sharpest and least sharp people I've ever met. Honestly, Josh, it's awful. If you were on a football management game or on FIFA or something, you'd be one of those players that's either got 99s or ones. Do you know what I mean? Wit, 99.

Oh, thanks. I'll take that. Yeah. And also, surprisingly high kind of spirituality side. I'll take that. Yeah. So a deep thinker. A much deeper thinker than you think he's going to be when you sign him.

Right? Yeah. But I imagine academic maths won. Oh, mate. A bottom set. Bottom set in a massive school. Not even bottom set in like a grammar school. Bottom set in a comprehensive in South East London.

That is an achievement. Do you know how thick you have to be to be bottom set maths in a school of 2,000 people? 10 classes of 30. people i'm in the one percent but the wrong one percent where was i rob do you want to have a bet where i was in maths go on i was i was the worst in the in the top set i was the worst worst in the top set oh here he comes absolute ball that i was trying to do their own work she's seven i'm out the game already josh that must be a record that must be a parent record yeah yeah well i don't know what i don't absolute bollocks I was trying to do their own work she's seven I'm out the game already Josh that must be a record

that must be a parent record isn't it yeah well I don't know I don't know what they're doing at seven because to be honest I was struggling with phonics

the other day I had to google what a red word was she was doing her spellings this morning lollies I don't know if that's a YS or IES

it's an IES didn't know didn't know I've only ever had one at a time who's writing that what greedy bastard needs to know. Didn't know. I've only ever had one at a time. Who's writing that? What greedy bastard needs to know that? Don't know what a noun is.

Adjective, describing word, verb, noun, no idea. My seven-year-old keeps telling me I'm doing it wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's right. But you've got an incredible ability with, like, socialising and you've got a very fast mind and you think very clearly so did that come

into any of the topics was there any subjects where those skills yeah played in yeah so what i did was i went i'll tell you what rob why don't you go out do a gig get some money and pay someone that knows what they're talking about to do it for your daughter that's how my mind worked get the tutor in get me back out in the world because then yeah this is that i think sometimes when it comes to this it's like i i'm not plastering my wall why am i trying to teach my daughter maths yeah for once a week so anyway so we've got she's brilliant and the girls love it because when we were doing it i didn't know what i was doing lou was getting stressed our daughters love it they're like oh she's coming brilliant and then they sit there enjoy it learn

how to do it i'm like yeah that's the best money I've spent all week. Because it's not really the homework's not that intense. But just to do that and then we feel less guilty. Because I think I was making her worse. Because I didn't understand it. I feel like I need to do a course to get my head around it. But anyway, so they're at the granddad's, which is only a five-minute drive around the corner.

I'm in Farringdon. She's coming around at 5.30. And I'm like well what i'll do is we're finishing the meeting at four it's hour and a half it wouldn't take any longer to get from farringdon to bromley that normally an hour but if it's really bad traffic hour and a half some reason the worst traffic ever took two hours okay so now i'm running late so i thought i'll tell you what i'll ring i'll ring the teacher and say look we're gonna be going to be a bit late, blah, blah, blah. Haven't got a number. Only Lou's got a number. Oh, my God.

She's in New York asleep. Big apple. Big apple. I don't know what she's doing. I think she was having a massage somewhere, which really annoyed me. You can have a massage in the UK. Yes, I know. But you can't have a massage and answer your phone to get the tutor's number,

can you, Josh? So I'm driving home, trying to get the tutor's number. Anyway, I get it. I ring the lady, and she's like, yeah, no worries, don't worry. I'm like, I'll be there at quarter to six. Anyway, I'm not. I'm not there till six. She's waiting outside.

Then I get the kids, chuck them in the car, get back home. She's there. Hello, you all right? There's been a delivery to the front door, because even out of the country, Lou needs to get something delivered. What, the tutor's taken a delivery? Well, yeah, she's stood there with a box, right? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Anyway, we get in, open the door. Then I remember I've got a dog. The dog's been walked because I've got a dog walker in because I'm up in London having meetings. However, the dog walker walked the dog earlier in the day. This dog's bored and has pissed all over the carpet. Oh, my God, Rob. I open the door, piss on the floor, dog jumping up.

Wait, wait, there's piss on the floor. You didn't open the door and piss on the floor, did you? No, no, no. Show who's boss. i open the door piss on the floor dog jumping up the dog wait there's piss on the floor you didn't open the door on the floor no no no no show who's boss i open the door welcome the tutor in pissed on the dog for a bit of hierarchy just to let him know his boss anyway i open the door the dog's pissed on the floor there's a dog there jumping up i remember the tutor is petrified of dogs normally we lock the dog in his little crate so she can do it carefree he's jumping up she stood there shitting herself do you know what she's holding the dog's dog food so now the dog's triple excited there's a new person his dog food's here and he's not seen anyone for about four or five hours he's buzzing right awful piss on the

floor and then yeah i've got two kids as well they're tired it's six o'clock go and have a bath and you get and you get everyone anyway dog gets launched in the garden right and then i'll put the tutor with the first kid in the front room i'm like sorry you we can't do it here because i need to clear this up clear up the piss sort it all out get them into bed they don't go to bed till about nine o'clock i'll sit there have two bottles of beer stare at the screen fall asleep wake up at 2't go to bed till about nine o'clock. I'll sit there, have two bottles of beer, stare at the screen, fall asleep, wake up at 2am, go to bed, wake up at half six, ready to do it again. Oh my God.

Oh my God. I just don't know how Lou does it because I'm falling apart here, Josh. Yeah. Well, the two bottles of beer aren't helping. I'm falling asleep till 2am on the sofa. What were you watching? I just want, because that's the bleakest.

You've skipped over for me the bleakest image, which is you waking up at 2am on the sofa. What was playing on the screen? What were you holding? What position were you in? I'm waking up, the beer bottle's next to me, empty, and I'm just arms out, just sort of like legs up, asleep. Yeah.

What's happening as well, Josh, which I've not factored in, is Arsenal are really good at football at the moment. Yeah, they are very good. Really good at football, which is exhausting as a fan because I'm Arsenal are really good at football at the moment. Yeah, they are very good. Really good at football. Which is exhausting as a fan. Because you care for the first time in a decade. I'm consuming every single bit of content. I haven't got the time for it.

I'm watching Match of the Day three times. It's hard to keep up with your team being good, I've found. Tell me about it, Rob. Plymouth are top as well. You're not giving me the, you know, but I'm taking that in my stride. No wonder we're both in such good moods yeah exactly so i mean i'm in a good mood i mean i'm just a bit exhausted there's too much to take in because arsenal are doing well and that could go on till may yeah but kids when they're seven and five is constant questions

it's like i felt like my brain is like you know feel it moving My eyes felt hot the other day I've never had hot eyes before of you I've not had hot eyes no My eyes were just hot and I was like why are my eyes hot They shouldn't be hot So you'd say Lou going away Wasn't the success You'd hoped

No I think I got cocky and then what happened was Due to Unforeseen circumstances circumstances loads of stuff had to happen admin wise and work wise that week i had to go to the bank twice and then i had to call to the solicitor go up and sort out the arena tour with you and then i was working on friday night and then i had to get my brother to babysit friday night because i was doing a gig up in london so it was all you did fall asleep briefly in the arena meeting. Did I?

Was it talking about your bit? Oh, come on now. But, yeah, what else happened? They've been playing tricks on me. So they stole the first aid box, right? Right. And hid it in the eldest room. Would you have noticed that?

Only when they had loads of plasters on them. Oh, no. And I was like, why have they got so many... I know they had one plaster, but their fingers were covered in plasters. It's just the thing about your daughters, Robert, is they work as a team. I know.

They really do. It's a lovely bonding situation, but you basically are two teams in your house, adults versus kids. 100%. They're like... And when there's one of you, they double up. Yeah.

There's more of them than you. It's lovely they get on so well when they're like, and when there's one of you, they team, they double up. Yeah. There's more, there's more of them than you. It's lovely they get on so well when they're bullying you though. Um, yeah, so I found it under the chest of drawers and there was just loads of plaster wrappers everywhere. So they've been doing that. Um, I didn't wash their hair for a week. Um, I washed it on Saturday, which is fine. They were sort of surviving.

It's fine. No one fucking notices that kind of shit. No, he's had his... Oh, yeah, so my brother had to look after him on Friday when I was going up to London. So he came round about four-ish. Oh, yeah, one thing, they've had Pizza Express four times this week.

Oh, my word. It's a good chain. It's a good chain. Is it the same meal every night as well, well so this is how it happened and i don't think it's my fault i took him out wednesday they wanted to go for dinner and they picked there i was like okay we'll go there so he went out for there right then the next day was the meeting when i was going to get him like a mcdonald's or something and then they were with the grandparent and went we want that and i was like look i'm like I can't pick an argument here

I'm in the middle of a meeting have it right so that happened then and then on the Friday my brother comes to babysit and he said to

like I was like I'll just get you I can't expect someone to cook my kids dinner I was like I'll just order them something they asked for that again

and then we went round a friend's Saturday night and he went I've ordered everyone pizza express I was like that's four nights in a row they've had that.

I think that's good, though. Is it? It could be worse than Pizza Express, couldn't it? It's quite carby. Yeah, exactly. It is quite... I don't think a children needs to worry about carbs, Rob. Exactly.

They're all right. Dough balls up to their eyeballs. So you've had a tough one? It's not been... Do you want to feel better? Well, I've got more that went wrong. Oh, OK. I'm building to something awful.

Oh, OK. Well, I'll build away. OK, then we'll do yours so I can get it out. So my brother Joe had them. They loved that. And they were really quiet. I think they were tired from the week. They'd been getting up early.

Anyway, so he messages me, oh, they're in bed already. I was like, blimey. He's done better than me here. So what to bed rob well they're not normally have a bath about seven ish let them play and i'm trying to get him in about half seven and then i reckon asleep by eight half seven but it was getting later and later and they were yeah anyway he's like our fate they're in battle that's pretty good friday night they're allowed their ipads and he's got me in bed already. He smashed it.

However, what I didn't realise, he'd let them have the iPads in the bed. We don't really let them do that. Obviously, they're not telling him. And then I'm about to go on stage to do this gig at half 10 and he messaged going, should I take the iPads off them at some point?

And I literally looked at it as I walked on stage. Oh, for fuck's sake. And then they loved it though. So then he went up, because he sort of clicked, yeah, they probably shouldn't have them still. He went up there, he said they were like actual zombies

because they'd been sat there for two hours watching iPads. Oh my God, that's amazing. So he took the iPads off them at 11. Then the next day we went to our friends who live near Heathrow because we were having a sleepover on a Saturday. And then our friend,

he was going to go, I was going to look after all the kids and he was going to go and pick up our wives from the airport and bring them back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like six, nine in the morning. Anyway, so we went around there. They've had a pizza express again.

They're having so much fun with their friends. They're going doolally. We're watching the football and then the boxing's on. The kids, honestly, we didn't realise it. We thought they were friends. They're going doolally. We're watching the football and then the boxing's on. The kids, honestly, we didn't realise it. We thought they were asleep. They weren't. Half 11 at night, they're still awake.

Right. So we're like, right, you've got to go to bed now. You're going to see your mummies in the morning, go to bed. My kids are so tired, just went hysterical. I don't want to sleep in this bed. I want to sleep in that bed. But like, we didn't work out the sleeping arrangements earlier in the day when they were compass mentors.

Yeah. So now it's midnight. They're exhausted. They've had too much sugar, too much express, too much life, too much express going mental. Right.

And, and at one point they're screaming the house down at someone else's house going, we hate you. We don't like you. We want mummy back. And I just went, so do I. Oh, it was all, but it was because they were just like hysterical.

They don't cuddle me either, Josh, which is horrible. What? Because of my beard. They'll only cuddle me if I cover my face with a jumper. Right, OK. Because I'm scratchy, because of my beard. In many ways, that's creating more kind of long-standing issues about cuddling than not cuddling at all.

And then I was like, well, should I shave my beard off? And they went, no, because then you won't look like Dad. I'm like, well, I'm in a loose loo here. You do look better with a beard. You do look better with a beard. And can I tell you when I got annoyed with loose Lou here you do look better with a beard you do look better with a beard and can I tell you when I got annoyed with Lou when she was away

yep so my brother come round and we're giving him like a cot and a buggy for his baby you know he's the one who's going to have it all sorted in two months

him and his wife obviously want to start like building it and getting it and it's only a month away you want to start nesting and getting it all set up because you know nervous

new parents and also it's close so like I was like oh lou was supposed to have got the um buggy off her mate or something but then her mate forgot to drop it so i messaged went oh they really want the the stuff can you get it off your mate because they want to get it all set up like that and i was with joe and she was like yeah yeah i can't message him now i can't message him now though because i'm walking and i was just i'm not home with two kids about

to go work sorting out it's like you can't message now because you're you know he's just like how about you stop walking have you ever thought about stop walking and message just to stand for a bit and just message i can't whatsapp now because i'm walking also sent via whatsapp yeah yeah you could have just not sent this one and sent that one. Yeah. Maybe. But yeah, I was quite busy at that point,

quite stressed, but she was walking. I got internally angry with Rose this week in a similar way, Rob. Yeah, I wasn't internally. I've told Lou that. And now the world. So I discussed it with Rose afterwards

and I said, I will need to discuss this on the podcast because it makes you look worse than you do. So it's an ideal story for me. So yesterday, Rose was invited to her friend's birthday. Yeah. So I was looking after both kids in the afternoon, although my daughter went to her friends. But I was looking after our son.

Yeah. Who then I went to take him out. He didn't want to get in the pram. So he just decided we had to walk. Yeah. In then, I went to take him out. He didn't want to get in the pram. So he just decided we had to walk. Yeah. In the fucking freezing cold, Rob. I'd left my coat in the car. Is he too big for a papoose now?

Yeah, yeah. He's too big for a papoose. He'd hate that. Just kick you in the nuts. He's bigger than you. Could you get in his papoose? Could he walk you? Quite happily.

I'd love a massive bloke just to walk me round in a papoose. Tom Davis? I could get Tom Davis and just strap myself to him and he'd walk around. It'd be lovely. So I'm like, my coat's in the car. We'll walk to the car and get my coat and then we'll walk to the shop, right?

Yeah. Get to the car. Obviously my coat's not in the car. Obviously I've left it in we'll walk to the shop right yeah get to the car obviously my coat's not in the car obviously i've left it in the house by your shorts no i'm in my trousers but it's too late to go back to the house you won't go back to the house so basically i have to do the whole thing without a coat yeah i'm like sorry i'm only going to the shop we eventually get to the shop but after because he's a slow walker because he's one and a half rob this is the first time i've been in a shop with him where he's a slow walker because he's one and a half rob this is the first time

i've been in a shop with him where he's not in the pram it's a fucking nightmare because he wants to pick up everything yep finally get through the shop and then he starts walking in the wrong direction we've got to kill time anyway before i know it i've stood in the park without a coat absolutely freezing my ass off yeah how's his rose fault, by the way? Well, no, I'm just getting in a bad mood. So in my head, I'm lashing out. I'm lashing out at Rose. Because I don't like to pick sides, but at the moment,

I'm really struggling to be on your side at this point if Rose is in trouble for this. Then I have to go to get my daughter, go and get her from her friend's house. No coat. No coat. No coat. Fine. Drive back to our house, get us in, make dinner.

Right, got to bath time. Yeah. Rose, still not really heard from Rose. She's gone out for afternoon drinks. The bath doesn't work because the plumbing's gone because of the cold. Yeah. At that point, Rose texts me.

The bath doesn't work. Sorry. The bath doesn't work. Sorry. The bath doesn't work. So then I get a message from Rose. These are the words. Go on. Claridge's is amazing. We should definitely come here.

How's it going? Unbelievable. I don't think... It's not her fault. Her friend's birthday was at Claridge's. It's not her fault I'm having a nightmare. But the timing... Also, who's her friend?

Camilla Parker Bowles? She had one of them lunches. So, absolutely, that moment was a low. But also, I don't think you need to know that. Like, I'm a bit on your side. She doesn't know that it's going wrong. Well, she doesn't know I'm having a nightmare. If she knew I was having a nightmare... If I'd gone, I'm a bit on your side. She doesn't know that it's going on. Well, she doesn't know I'm having a nightmare. If she knew I was having a nightmare, if I'd gone,

I'm having a fucking nightmare and she'd gone, marriage is amazing. She hasn't. She's just gone, we should come here. This is fun. She's enjoying herself. But someone else enjoying themselves is not okay. No, someone else enjoying.

And I realised this is my own issue, Rob. Because I was like, why does she get to do that? And I'm doing this in my head. And then I was like, well, I could do things. You could do things, John. I could do things. It's my own issue. I'm not doing things.

Yeah. When are you going to Claridge's? When are you going to go? I'm just going on my own to Claridge's next weekend just to sit there. But also, it is a bit like, it is a given that Claridge's is a... I think that text is more, do you know what? Claridge's is a bit overrated is a given that claridge's is a mate i think that text is more do you know what claridge is a bit overrated like i think that's not news it's like i tell you what josh blowjobs are good she's never sent me that bit of fun bit of fun bit of fun um so what how

did your week peak i mean i'll be honest and i didn't get much sleep at the sleep over because my kids were going mental and i was just sort of at someone else's house and um and then i had to come back and then we did radio too which was fun to be honest about it but yeah now it's monday morning back in the game good good you know so yeah it's all it's far it's fine it sounds worse than it was but i really I just think that you struggled I really struggled with the mental load no the mental capacity basics there's so many things to think about and on top of like other things work related you know like I'm trying to sort out this like speak to a solicitor plan an arena tour make sure I know enough about Alicia Dixon to talk to her not just about mystique

and then on top of that go oh do you need a taekwondo kit? It's art. Alicia Dixon? No, my kids. It's art this day. Oh, but they get picked up at four. Oh, actually, they need to wear a fancy dress because it's something or something else

or they've got enough house points, so it's a blue T-shirt. Oh, my God. And I don't know where this information comes from. There's a little parents group that basically I just copy whatever they do i'm quite good on this information we've got we've got two friends who are parents at the same school yeah who are bad at it and do you want to hear something bad rob but they're bad at being parents then they're bad at knowing if say for instance it's a non-uniform day. Right, so it makes you feel better.

Yeah, but do you want to know something bad, Rob? Go on. Occasionally, of a morning, it'll be like, wear yellow for mental health or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah. And I'll think, I could text them here. But do you know what? I'm not going to. Why does that?

Isn't that bad, Rob? But it's not my job to do their mental load. It's not my job to do their mental load. Do you know what? I love that. I respect that, actually. In a way, that is horrible. It's not my job to think I could remind them, why don't I do that?

No, no, no. Of course it's not your job to remind them. However, the fact that you thought they probably don't know and decided to withhold the information is a little bit snaky. I don't know, Rob. It's very, it's very. In the morning, you're just, it's sometimes too rushed to send a text. I'm walking.

I can't WhatsApp. Yeah, Josh is walking again. Blame the kid. He's walking to the shop without a coat on. He couldn't possibly send that message. Yeah, but my thought is it's funny for them. out yeah josh is walking again blame the kid he's walking to the shop with that coat on he couldn't possibly send that mess yeah but my thought is it's funny for them but then also it would be if it was if that was an adult going into work i think that's fine but when it's the kid and then i'd feel bad for the kid turning up not in the right staff but you're worse you're

more evil than me that's a different you're more cutthroat so i've got good news for you, Rob. Go on. This is going to blow your mind. Right, go on. Talk about it. I got a text from my friend who's having a child. Wednesday, 9th of 28pm. Just went to my first NCT class.

Yeah. They recommended your podcast. Really? You're officially NCT recommended. Where's our cut? We've made it. That is a bit, slightly worrying though,

isn't it? What episodes are they recommending? Do you think they go, two words, Tom Parry? You must realise that, the reason I recommend that is, most people think they're shit.

Yeah. And then when they listen to this, they realise they're not. Yeah. Because of what we're doing. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

That's it, we know, it's not like a great, oh, they're great're not. Yeah. Because of what we're doing. Yeah, exactly. It's not like a great, oh, they're great thinkers on the subject. No. Wonderful academics that know exactly what to do with a child. They don't know what to do

so it makes you feel better about your kid. Yeah. We need to get my brother on though as an expert seeing as he'll have it done in two months. So is your brother the expert, the same one that gave him the iPad until 10.30? Yeah, that guy. Oh, great.

Yeah, he's quite laid back, though, Joe. I think he'd be a great dad, to be fair. Yeah, he's very laid back, isn't he? Yeah. Very true. Yeah, you've met him a few times at festivals and stuff. Do you want to know something that's happened since my daughter turned five? Well, this week, Rob, there's been a change.

I'm losing her, Rob. She's becoming independent. What's she doing? This weekend. I said this was another annoying thing, Rob. She's becoming independent. This weekend. I said this was another annoying thing, Rob. Yeah. Rose has had a good weekend. She deserves it.

Don't get me wrong. She deserves it. So Saturday afternoon, we decide we're going to, after his nap, we'll divide and conquer. Yeah? Yeah. I'll take him to the park. Of course you will. Of course I bloody will. I've not been in a week i thought i fancy it good weather for it at the moment good weather for it i fancied the good thing with the park rob i thought i'm on a winner here

i walked the long route round it's a good 40 minutes in my own head before i let him out of the ducks also as well with the frozen lake at the moment, he could probably catch a duck. There's no escape. Dangerous. Don't let kids on the ice, but I'm saying he could sprint across and grab one. So do two and three quarter hours, including taking him for dinner in a cafe. Oh, I was going to say, you'd be freezing outside for that. I just spun it out, Rob.

I spun it out. Get back. My daughter is still playing the game she was playing before I left which is a game she won't even let adults

be a part of what is it I don't know because she won't let you ask it's like a private game with her teddies

and supplies and all this kind of stuff Rose has had two and three quarter hours of my daughter of my daughter of my daughter just going

don't come near me an unbelievable I don't think that's dividing and concatenating but we didn't know it was going to happen but the luck now you know I'd always take a five year old over an 18 month old though that is an easy shift, isn't it?

She's had a good weekend, hasn't she? The next day, we went to gymnastics, me and my daughter. Yeah. And then she went to her friend's house. I basically haven't seen my daughter all weekend. I'm losing her, Rob. She's turning into someone who doesn't want to spend their weekend with her parents. She's five. Why doesn't Rose go away for six nights and see how you feel about losing her for an afternoon?

You what? away for six nights and see how you feel about losing her for an afternoon you are well i would say i'd be quite happy if my children didn't want me near them for two days at the moment i'd say look after both of them for six nights and then you'll be quite glad of that wait until they're aware of the podcast they'll swiftly not want you near them rob oh no i love them i love them so much no i do love them. I love them so much. No, I do love them, but it was a busy week. It's a busy week, Josh. Do you want to know how disorganised I am, Rob?

Go on. I did some work last Tuesday. Yeah. Yeah. And then the following Friday, or Monday even, the following Monday, my agent texts me and says, do you want your wallet? I was like, what? And I'd left my wallet on the Tuesday.

I still hadn't noticed by the following Monday that I hadn't got my wallet. For a week? For a week. I hadn't noticed I'd not got my wallet. But it's all on Apple Pay. It's just all on Apple Pay now. The wallet is defunct.

Yeah, but no, did you not buy anything online and need the security code? It's all in my phone,. The wallet is defunct. Yeah, but no, but if you're... Did you not buy anything online and need the security code? It's all in my phone, Rob. I know my security code. You know your security code? I know my security... It's three numbers. I thought you were going to say it then.

It's 146. Mr. J. Whittaker, my account number, 61446... I don't... I lived a week without my wallet without realising. That is dangerous, Josh. You're not a cash guy either. There's no cash in East London. It's all online.

It's all on the card. I get an alert every time someone uses my card on my phone, so it's fine. God, you're really across it. You're quite organised, it seems. No, I don't know how to turn that off. I'd love to turn it off because it's really annoying. What annoys me is whenever I park anywhere,

I get a notification saying that your parking's like got an hour left which is quite good because you're up but then yeah when i've got in the car and drove off it's still there like i'm in my house and it's like warning parking i'm not i'm not fucking there but then i should just turn it off shouldn't i you should just turn that's more that's more on me than ringo busy men we're busy men busy people i think i think all in all though rob yeah you've got through your week see it like that yeah it was good it was good for lou it was good for me good for the girls i didn't really i knew how busy it is for lou doing it but i don't think i really appreciated the gear shift now that you're basically the children's pa with logistics and they're doing this that day, that day, homework,

then spellings, maths, all that, all the moving parts of it all. So, yeah, I do. But I think if I did it again, I'd take a couple of days holiday properly just to sort of focus on it. So I didn't do any washing either, which is bad, but I weren't really in the house long enough to wash it and get it out and dry it.

And when it's in the winter, you've got to do tumble dry. Nothing's dried in the house. So there was a lot of washing for lou which is probably why she's absolutely livid with me today hats off to rose on i basically when me this is this shows me in a bad light rob perfect but when me and rose got together yeah a decade ago i basically i just did all of my clothes in one wash i didn't realize there was different types of wash like colors and whites and yeah yeah i i brought up that i don't know how to i i just did that at that point she kind of took on the washing yeah i haven't done one since rob no lou does the washing in our house is this bad am i a terrible modern man um because

there's so many cliches like i do the bins rose does the wash do you know what i mean yeah but i'd rather do the bins and the washing i think lou would rather do the washing than the bins yeah but then it's just every household has different what are the jobs the different washes rob i do the dishwasher really mainly i'm the main dishwasher guy are you? yeah I'd say I'm about 60-40 on the dishwasher I'm looking at 95% now unless I'm away then Lou obviously has to do it she doesn't just leave it building up like I do with the actual washing

I should have put a load on fuck do you know which the different loads are Rob? and what programme you'd put them on? well I always just do a quick wash. I always do a quick wash. If I do a wash, it's a quick wash. I'm like, the options are insane.

There's so many options. Do you know what I mean? Just fucking quick wash. Just a quick wash. But my stuff's shrinking. I think the hot water's too hot in our house. We've turned it down now. But I think the hot water's too hot,

and I think it's shrinking my clothes. Really? Yeah, but I don't know if the hot water was too hot in our house. We've turned it down now. But I think the hot water was too hot and I think I was shrinking my clothes. Really? Yeah, but I don't know if the hot water... I don't know if the washing machine heats the water itself or it takes the hot water from the hot water in the house. Do you know the answer to this? I don't know the answer to it. Don't email in.

I'll tell you what they can email in, though. We need some bits and bobs, don't we, Josh? Oh, yes, because we've had our tour meeting. But we don't know if we've got the email for it yet or not. No, we haven't. But I'll tell you what we do need, boomer stories. We're going to try and get the best five boomer stories. Please send in all of your boomer stories.

The five greatest boomer stories. Yes. When you were a kid and things that your parents did, and you've probably been sitting on one thing, and I can't be bothered to email, please email in. Because everyone loves them, and they're getting kid and things that your parents did you've probably been sitting on one thing i can't be bothered to email please email in um because everyone loves them and they're getting better and better and i think there's some yeah more great stories out there let's be honest an incredible one about a crap yeah at the moment that's the winner but then yeah please send them in if you've got any uh one about a lobster any of those no no it's not crustaceans it's not all crustaceans

it's any type of it's not all crustaceans. It's not all crustaceans. It's any type of... It's not all crustaceans, guys. No. So, yeah, please send in. We can email hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk with your best boomer stories. Shall we do Small Business Shoutout? Yes, let's go. Hello there, wonderfully chaotic parents.

Thanks for making this fabulous podcast. I've been listening to you from the very beginning and love it. I would very much appreciate you mentioning in your small business shout out if possible my website is radiobirthday.com we create surprise radio shows for loved ones or friends with personalized audio messages and song dedications live or pre-recorded i'd suggest pre-recorded imagine trying to get your nan to do a live message for someone's birthday um here we go um we just started this little business and as much as we think it's a great idea we have yet to make this our bigger income source we are a dutch slash english family living in spain thanks in advance lots of love from madrid where you are

more than welcome to come. Bit strange. By the way, it's not just to be used for birthdays. It can also be for a friend you never see or if they have young children. Oh, that'd be cool. If you're going away, you could do, hi girls, and dedicate some songs and stuff like that. So that's radiobirthday.com. There you go.

Audio messages, songs, jingles, logo, editing. And you can do a full live one or you can do pre-recorded oh that'd be fun little thing so that's radiobirthday.com if you want to record

a little radio show you could do one for like someone who got a job promotion or a wedding that'd be quite fun to listen back to perfect all your friends and family

doing shout outs radiobirthday.com alright lads love the podcast we could do that actually fuck let's not put that out Michael let's set My business up

You can edit that And then me and Josh Can do the opening And earn a fortune Fuck these lot off I'm joking RadioBirthday.com Get in quick

Before a big company nicks it Alright lads Love the podcast I'm Jim and I live In Newport South Wales With my wife And one year old daughter Edit Hats is a project

I set up a few years ago Which sells beanies online And for each one sold another is donated to the homeless oh that's good we've donated over a thousand warm beanies so far we also sell little beanies for kids 15 off for listeners with the code sexy and relatable all in uppercase the website is www.edithats.co.uk. On our Instagram is at edit underscore hats. Thanks so much and hope to see you in Cardiff next year.

See you in Cardiff. Hope to see you too, Jim. He's not sure he's coming, but he hopes to. Oh, we've been booking some surprise guests for the arena tours and they're good, Josh. I can't say who they are, but they're good. Right, Josh, I'll see you Tuesday. No, Friday.

Friday. Friday. See you Friday. It is Tuesday, Rob, for the love of... It is Tuesday see you Tuesday. No, Friday. Friday. Friday. See you Friday. It is Tuesday, Rob, for the love of... It is Tuesday. Fuck. See you on Friday. Bye.