Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP50: David Cross

Episode Date: June 30, 2023

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is an American comic legend. Comedian, writer, director and actor who found fame in Mr Show and Arrested Development (and of course the Alvin and the Chipmunk films) - Mr David Cross. You can get tickets for David's new tour 'The Worst Daddy In The World' here Parenting Hell is available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing whoa what are you listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 ford escape with available alexa in, so you can change the music.

Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. with ph balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils so whether you're going for a run or just running late do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't find secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers drug mart today hello you're listening to parents in hell with you've got to be fucking kidding me rob it. It's done it again. What's it done?

Connected to your headphone? Josh, Josh, Josh. Please. No, no, no. No, let me say fucking please. Please get some headphones. You just plug into the mic. This is mental.

It's every week, Josh. I know. What are you doing today? Hello? No, don't do that to me. Hello? Please, I can't. Hello?

You can't hear us now. Okay. I've got you. Oh, have you? Yeah. Good. What are you doing today, Josh? Buying headphones.

I've soundproofed a fucking room within a week. Rob, you've hung up an Arsenal shirt. True. It was quite fun, actually. I quite enjoyed it. Most of you are most expensive soundproofed a fucking room Within a week Rob you've hung up an Arsenal shirt True it was quite fun I actually quite enjoyed it Most of you are most expected Soundproofing Don't fucking give me A bloody Brian Eno Getting his recordings to you

This can't be the show Josh It is the show No it's not It's not interesting Rob that's not stopped us before I know but it might stop us now If you're listening for the first time because of David Cross. They're all like this.

They're all like this. Not this bad. But this is the new rule. If you haven't got wired headphones, I will refuse to record. Okay. I'm going to go and strike like the trains. I'm going to ring up Mick. And do you know what will happen?

You'll log on with your little clippy Bluetooth headphones. I've bought them. I've bought them. Do you know who'll be sat here? Do you know who'll be sat here? Yeah, you've bought them. I've bought them i've bought them i'll be sat here do you want to be sat here yeah you've bought do you know who'll be sat here nick lynch has he got kids i bet he'll be good chat actually we should get the old we keep going so mick what's it like having kids and he'll start just like bringing it back to driverless trains like yeah we know you've got yeah i know you've got a thing you need to talk

about you're here to plug the old strikes. But what we're supposed to be talking about is we've got David Cross coming on in a minute. Brilliant guest. American comedian and actor. You've got a dog. You've got a dog you don't like. And then consequently, you've just revealed that you're getting another dog. No, I've got a dog I do like, actually.

And since we've moved, me and the dog, Fred, have been getting on a lot better. Because the house was chaos before we've got a bit more space now for the dog to run around in and so these are the two reasons to get another dog one when we go out he won't be lonely he's got a little mate two there's loads of space so they do get lonely um loads of space so he uh can run around in the gardens three what i find most stressful is when you walk in a dog you have to talk to other people right and there's a lot of other dogs that come over you have to talk to him blah blah blah however the problem with a whippet is they need to run they need to run around and play to get the energy out because they're sprinters not that you can't just like walk them along like a little pug or something and get them puffed out they need to

sprint so we have two dogs they can play together i can just drive to a field they can i can walk around the field and they can chase each other and then i can get back in the car speak to zero people and enjoy my life and ultimately lou wanted another one happy wife happy life so that's i was gonna say rob i could you know what i can do all them bullshit reasons the last minute has been i i was not buying it not buying it bottom line is if lou and the girls are happy i'm happy all the other stuff i said before is stuff she's told me to sort of try and convince me but ultimately she gets away we've got two dogs and that buck stops there's another whippet yes yeah called well the girls want to call this has progressed it's got a name we don't get him till the end of july he's called well the girls want to call this has progressed it's got a name we don't get him

till the end of july he's called well the girls want to call him simon i can't have a dog called simon we quite like that then they suggested georgie paul g putting them pie so we're gonna have a dog called george essentially yeah they're gonna call it georgie paul g so fred and george incoming we'll'll keep you updated on how that's going so yeah oh the other thing

England football team gig oh my word I forgot this right yeah well not if it went well it was a mixed bag so it was

I'll buy that up at their training they try and do stuff like Robbie Williams has been there before Ed Sheeran and sing a couple of songs they wanted to try

something different and I went up and did stand up but I was in the team meeting room and it was gareth southgate is such a lovely bloke as well by the way oh yeah such a lovely guy so we basically went up and did a little gig for him then we had kids then he has got kids then we all had dinner after but they've been doing high performance um they'd had the guy damien from the high performance podcast there during the day anyway it's really lovely guy he was, but they'd had a day of like quite important and they,

cause, and they're like, they're young. And also they take things really like. Yeah. Literally. So Southgate teed me up and introduced me as like, right.

I've been talking about elite performance and getting the mentality right. So now we've got a talk from someone who's an absolute elite athlete and he knows exactly what. This is good. Yeah. So that's sort of what. Southgate knows what he's fucking what he's fucking yeah exactly and he set me up sort of perfectly but i think they were a bit confused and i don't think if they knew if i was going to come out and do comedy or talk about how i've managed to like do comedy right yeah yeah so when you look the

audience in the eyes the three things i learned from comedy that you could take into penalty taking are this yeah or like when you're up against pressure. And because we were in a team meeting room, I think they thought it was going to be a serious talk from me. And because it wasn't like, they weren't like after a game, because they were leading up to a game. So it's really like focus, focus. You've got to worry about what Malta's fullbacks.

That's what I'm telling you now. Yeah, that's what they've been doing in that room, like leading up to it. And then, so they were like like, a bit unsure about what, because if it was after a game, they would have had a few beers, it would be a different kind of environment. How nervous were you? Petrified. But I was like, you know what, you've got to give it a go.

But when you get in there, like, you just walk out and it's, like, all the England team in front of you. It's very, I'm just like, and because they're not in kit, they're in their, like, track suits, it's quite distracting. You're like, oh, that's, and you sort of just keep going. And you forget how sort of famous they are and how much you watch them like you watch them like three or four times a week these people i'd say i got some a few good jokes away but there was no atmosphere in the room like for comedy so anything that worked smashed it and it got

massive laughs anything that didn't work so it went from real did you write a bespoke set well i had to really i couldn't just start doing jokes about Philip Schofield. Yeah. I went out and then the thing I said at the beginning was, I know you're talking about elite mindset and high performance, but let's just not escape from the fact that Malta are fucking shit. Yeah. That got a laugh.

Yeah, that's good. And then I basically, but I did congratulations to Man City. These were the jokes I had, right? And you can tell me if you think it went well or not. Basically, Jack Greenish, Kyle Walker, Phil Foden hadn't arrived. John Stones and Calvin Phillips had got there after the celebrating the treble. And Jude Bellinan was in Madrid. Okay, so that's the setup.

Anyway, I said, I want to congratulate. First and foremost, is Jack Greenish alive? Has anyone heard from him? Yeah. To that, I had no response. okay so that's the setup anyway i said i want to congratulate first of all my sister is jack greenish alive has anyone heard from him yeah to that i had no response what point did you feel like that what did you i felt my soul leave my body and then i said i like oh well i wanted to congratulate him on his historic treble vodka gin and whiskey all in the same pint. Yeah, that works. No, it didn't. What?

That didn't get much. That works. Didn't get much. Come on, fuck. Cheer up, Trent. That fucking works, mate. Come on. Then I said, congratulate.

And then I was like, oh, this is hard, isn't it? Did you say that? I went, tough gig this, isn't it? Let's see how this goes, like that. And sort of acknowledge it and got a bit of a laugh. So that worked. This one didn't get a laugh. I said, Jude Bellingham. I wanted? Let's see how this goes, like that. And sort of acknowledge it and got a bit of a laugh. So that worked. This one didn't get a laugh. The Duke Bellingham, I wanted to say thank you.

Not there, though, which is difficult. You're trying to do a joke about it. I just want to say thanks for joining Real Madrid, from all the Arsenal fans and the rest of the Premier League. We're very thankful that you've gone there, especially Calvin Phillips. Didn't get a laugh. Didn't get a laugh.

Fuck. Then I said, this got a laugh. I said, Declan Rice, and I said, oh, not only Man City win a European Cup, laugh didn't get enough then i said this got a lot i said i went deckland rice uh oh you i think and i said oh not only man city win a european cup deckland rice you won you you won something this week didn't you oh i'm not sure you didn't put you didn't mention it on social media nice stuff and it yeah and then when you did milk it a bit anyway didn't i like that because he's a nice bloke deckland rice i said uh uh milk it is that what it was the fucking milk cup that got a big laugh that's good and then I thought ah here we go so I basically spent five to ten minutes hammering West Ham and Declan Rice because it was the only thing that was working

properly and then uh I said I said uh oh what was it called the Europa League conference auto glass windscreen carabao fucking Cup, was it? And they were all laughing. I went, no one knows what it's called. And then I said, but I'll tell you what, you'd take it at Tottenham, wouldn't you, Harry? So Harry came.

Oh, yeah. And I got a big laugh, and I said. Nice. So basically, you went really hard on all our England heroes to win them over. Yeah, basically. It's like a corporate in that sense. You just want to have a go at the boss. So did you remember all this, or have you got a script?

No, I had it on a bit of paper and I looked at it and it was awful. But it was the only way I could do it. There was so much stuff, Josh. Oh, God. I came out of a clipboard to try and make it look like I was the coach. Because he was going to set me up. I was like, well, the coach had a clipboard. So I felt so much like David Brent, you know, in the office.

Yeah, oh, God. It was off. Honestly, there were some bits that were amazing, but there were some bits that I was just like, this is fucking hard. What I'd say is I would not put it up there with one of my greatest ever comedy performances but i think under the circumstances i carved out a decent gig and i left my head exactly great experience and i think i think you can get so wrapped up in your ego about because i was contemplating pulling out because i was like i couldn't bear for it to not go well in front of

the team and all that. But that's just your ego of going, what if I don't look? I'm like, well, it's going to be what it's going to be. I'm going up there. I know I can do it. I know I can do jokes. It might go well, it might not.

But either way, it's happened. And just let that happen and exist and not beat yourself up either way. So, yeah. Totally agree. I'm glad I did it. Glad you did it. Yeah, so that was my key for the England team.

I said, they went, oh, it was great. We should get you back to do some other bits and bobs i went can i do a quiz next time can i do a quiz after a game when they're allowed a beer please because i think it might be easier but um yeah they're a lovely bunch and it's like do you know what that's what gareth southgate's such a nice atmosphere then all the players are so polite you know kind like chatty and friendly there's no ego and arrogance and you look at it because the top players there like sort of the Jordan Henderson's and Kane as senior players are all such unbelievable professionals and they're so like Kane and Henderson are unbelievable players and unbelievable people so I think that sort of

filters down through the team do you know what I mean anyway so no it's great experience but yeah that was my time with England let's remember that when we go out through the team. Do you know what I mean? Anyway, so no, it was a great experience. But yeah, that was my time with the England team. Let's remember that when we go out in the group stages in 2024. Rob. Yeah. Enough about England. We are an international podcast. Sure, yeah.

Global, if anything. Yeah, global. Yeah, exactly. Worldwide. This is David Cross from New York. David Cross, hello. Hello, Josh. How are you?

Good. And Rob. Right straight away, let me say this. I'm assuming because of your outfit and your hair that this is just audio. Shockingly, David, not always. Not after you've said that um i'll tell you what happened is i i've had a very intense i had to i just speed awareness course do you have speed awareness courses in america no no so like i i did 24 in a 20 and so you have to you can either take three points on

your license or um go and do a Zoom. Yeah, we have the equivalent. Yes, yes, we do. Yeah. And then it made me late to pick up my son. So I drove to get him in there. I had to come back and then talk to you. And they're just perpetuating the same problem. Now you've got to speed up. Now you've got to go faster than you normally would. And it's a, it's a scam, Josh. It's a fucking scam. How'd they get you? You are on tour. Normally, we would, like, hide the promo in the middle.

We talk about parenting, then we do a bit of promo, then we go back to parenting. But your tour is called The Worst Daddy in the World. Is that correct? That's right. That is up our street. I don't know whether it's purely for promo opportunity but you've absolutely nailed us um how did you come about the uh title uh my

daughter gave it to me uh potentially but uh i would say a third of my material is based around you know either kids or being a dad or any, or, or I use that as a segue and other stuff. And she was just, you know, crying about, you know, some, whatever thing I wouldn't give her a third ice cream or some shit like that. And she said I was the worst daddy in the world. And I was like, Oh, there's my title. How old is your daughter? She's a still and a half in like six weeks or so. Right. So you've just got the one, haven't you? That's just the one child.

Yeah. Because I've got a seven-year-old. Josh, your daughter's five, is she? Yeah. So we are knee-deep in that sort of very baby-y, but also think they're 35. She started to learn, not that she knows the term, but she knows the concept of gaslighting

where we had yesterday, we were at the playground and she, she's in this big monkey bar kick. Like she loves going across the monkey bars. We'll, we'll go to certain, there's tons of parks where I live in Brooklyn, New York, and, uh, there's playgrounds everywhere. And, um, and now we've got to go to the one specifically with the monkey bars that she likes. And we, she was going across and there were kids, there were other kids, uh, waiting their turn. And I was just sitting on the bench. I was exhausted. And I was just like, Marlo, you gotta, you gotta let everybody have their turn. That's not, that's not cool. And then, uh, she would stop and then other kids, you know, and then she would kind of butt in and go again. And then she went,

and there were clearly kids waiting. She went and then she turned around without even stepping on the platform. I just turned around and started going back and I was like, Hey Marlo, no, no, no, no. And then she started going back again. And I was like, that's it. Stop. I got angry. She dropped down. i was like that's it stop i got angry she dropped down i was like you're gonna sit on this bench for five minutes okay you're gonna sit here for five minutes you that's not cool that's not considerate blah blah blah and she started crying and then she tried to she knew she was wrong and she tried to explain that

three when you go back and forth and back again, that's one turn. And one turn. And he's like, you know that. You know that's one turn. I'm like, no, you said it. No, I never said that. Five minutes is a long time as well to tell. That's bold.

I'm impressed with that confidence. Well, it wasn't a real five minutes. It was five minutes because I want that. Because you're right, it does sound long. And the concept of it is part of the punishment. And then, you know, she was crying for maybe three minutes. And then somehow, it's always about distraction. It's always about getting them to focus on some other thing. And then she stopped crying. And then, you know, pretty soon she was telling me this and I was like, all right, you can go.

It was probably like three minutes, but as long as they think it's five minutes. My daughter's got a Fitbit watch thing that tells her the time and her steps. So she will do a timer now. So if I say it's two minutes, she'll do the timer and it sort of fucks you up because you're like this is actually too long but if i if if i get her off the the bench before the minutes i've got no euphoria oh i massage the times on the on the um tooth brushing i'll say two minutes which we were meant to no one can fucking brush their teeth for two minutes i can't it's so long no i don't and she you know what here's the thing

to me specifically regarding toothbrushing she's still got only only two you know regular teeth and the rest of them are baby teeth and this whole period is just about getting her used to it so i'm not gonna be a hard ass and say you have to do two minutes. If she's done a good 40 seconds, I'm happy, you know? To be honest, we could go, you don't need to brush your teeth till you're five. Because these, it's like, if you knew you were selling your car and you'd already sold it,

you're not taking it to the valet. Do you know what I mean? If you've sold your house, you're not adding an extension. Like they're going. Like it's over for those two. You might as well just have your fun with the baby ones, as much sugar as you want, and then you'll be sensible at five.

Yeah, this is all warming, getting into that stuff. Although I'm phenomenally lucky, the more I talk to other parents, in that my kid eats really well, she doesn't have a sweet tooth and she sleeps really well too. So we got really lucky. When I talk to other parents, like, you know, my kid won't eat vegetables and only eats candy. I'm like, that's her favorite food is broccoli. What else does she, all my kids eat is plain pasta.

You said that Rob, like you were going, talk to me, dirty. What kind of stuff do you get? How does she approve this forbidden food? No, we got super lucky. But she likes, I mean, even from when she just started eating, broccoli, zucchini, sweet potato. She eats well, you know. She doesn't have a whole lot of crap. I mean, the one, outside of, like, eats well, you know, she doesn't have a whole lot of crap. I mean the one, uh,

outside of like sweets and you know, if she's been good, she gets a ice cream on Friday and all that stuff. One ice cream a week. My kid, my kid's ice cream intake's out of control. Well, there's, here's the thing. That's ice cream, but she will get snacks and kind of like yogurt covered pretzels and uh and things like that but and she'll get icies we uh i don't know you don't really have that is that like an ice pole no it's like the italian ice you know the little guys on the push carts we have them in new york all over it just scoop up but it's like uh it's not as much sweet and dairy it's more fruit juice

like a sorbet yeah yeah exactly it's so funny americans at ic. It's more fruit juice. Like a sorbet. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's so funny. Americans at Icy's sound fun and in English, sorbet. An unnecessarily long and posh word for fruit ice. What's it like in New York? Like, does she like going

into the center of New York and riding the subway and all that kind of... She loves the subway. I that kind of she loves subway i don't think she has a real under sees a distinction between manhattan and brooklyn and uh and brooklyn's pretty you know it's fairly dense we have a lot more trees here and playgrounds and stuff like that in parks but i mean it's similar to london that way you know uh but she loves the subway loves it would you be bringing her on tour no i mean i did uh when she was whatever the last tour was uh but she was about two and a half three years old and

she was we had a tour bus and we were going across america and uh canada and we just had a pack and play took a drill and and put it into the back room of the tour bus. And it was me and my wife who was also had a book coming out. So she would do bookstores while in the, in whatever city I was going to. And, um, we had a nanny and, uh, we just, we were out on the road for almost four months. Blimey. Was that fun? That sounds like hell. almost four months. Blimey. Was that fun? That sounds like hell.

No, it was great. Well, I mean, especially, uh, cause of the way I'm doing the tour this time, same amount of dates, but it's spread out over eight months, but, uh, you know, because she's in school now and I'm, I go out for three, four days and I come home for three or four days. I'm home right now. I'll be back out on Friday, but so there I come home for three, four days. I'm home right now. I'll be back out on Friday. But so there's no tour bus. So I miss that. That is the most convenient, wonderful, wonderful thing in the world where you finish the gig and then you're like, hey, you know, because of the routing and the timing, we can't get

into the next hotel until check-in's at three or whatever. So you go, you finish the show and then you get to go out drinking, right? Whatever, uh, uh, town you're in and, and then you just get on a bus and chill out for a little bit, go to sleep, wake up and you're in the next town. I can't believe that must be so good. Oh, it's amazing. I can't believe that must be so good oh it's amazing i can't believe that i don't have that now so it's all driving and flying and places that where you have to like i have to get to the airport by 7 30 because i got a flight that there's no direct flight so i have to fly to charlotte north carolina which is backwards to get to minneapolis from detroit you know it's just all that kind of shit so that sucks but you know the uk is not really big enough for a tour bus so everywhere's close enough no it would

be the biggest waste of money in the world yeah you wouldn't need a comfortable environmentally sound electric vehicle that's not a tesla tom allen the comedian got a a bus like you're talking about from like exeter up to london because he had to do he was hosting the breakfast radio show in center of town so you don't have to get all the way home and then get back in that anyway but it just he couldn't because it was a windy roads in exeter like devon yeah of course he couldn't sleep because he kept on getting thrown off the bed it's not like big freeways in america like it's this windy english road and he spent kept on getting thrown off the bed. It's not like big freeways in America. It's minding English roads. And he spent three hours getting thrown about.

And then he got to central London at about 3 a.m. And he was laying there awake hearing all the people around him. Oh, what, they just parked up and he just had to stay in his bus? Parked up outside London Bridge Station just waiting. I've been to Devon. That's no place for a tour bus. Exactly. He had a terrible time. Josh, do you want to go for the tour's no place for a tour bus. Exactly.

He had a terrible time. Josh, do you want to go for the tour dates quickly in the UK? Yes. I can go through the tour dates. Steve Wright. There's a, there's a DJ. Well,

we call it Steve Wright. David was a DJ in the UK was famous for reading out everybody's tour dates. He'd only, he'd read it. He's the only one who'd read every date. I'm going to do the American ones as well. That were on it. State college, PA. Where's PA? I think that's too long, Josh. When it he's the only one who'd read every date i'm gonna do the american ones as well that are on it state college pa where's pa i think that's too long josh when it all the american one it's an eight month tour pittsburgh pa philadelphia pennsylvania rich

let's see if i can do this richmond virginia yeah yeah new york new york new york new york Yeah. New York, New York. New York, New York. Irving Plaza. South Burlington, VT. Vermont. Very good. Huntington, New York. Yeah. Belfast, United Kingdom. That's September the 12th. September the 13th, Dublin. September the 14th, Glasgow. September the 15th, Union Chapel, London. September the 17th, New Century, Manchester. Then back to America for Northampton, Massachusetts. Bosman, MT. Montana. Very good. Missoula, Montana.

Spokane, Wyoming. Spokane. Spokane. Spokane. Washington. There you go. Boyes, Idaho. Boise. Washington there you go there you go Boyz Idaho

Boise Boise St. Louis this is embarrassing St. Louis Obispo this is this is awful

Obispo California Santa Cruz California Santa Fe New Mexico and Tucson Arizona

from the Beatles song Get Back so I know that one at least alright well thank you so much, Josh. We'll leave your tape with Patsy

up front, and we'll get back to you. Thank you so much. Is there any routines in your tour that you worry about your daughter seeing one day when it's on, you know, presumably it'll be filmed at some point, will it, and then you're worried that she'll see it?

I mean, yes or no. I think ultimately I'm not worried, but I would, if she saw this current set before she understood that I was clearly joking, that would be not a good thing. Can you give us a flavor of it without ruining the bit? clearly joking, uh, that would be not a good thing, but, um, can you give us a flavor of it about ruining the bit? Um, yeah, like, like, um, I have a whole bit that's, that is about how I, I love her very much.

And then I preface it with these, all these other jokes, but I love her, you know, in a way that I didn't think I was capable of loving another thing. But ultimately I get to the idea, which is I love her, but I resent her. I really deeply resent her because she's rich and she's a rich kid. And I grew up poor and I don't like rich people and I'm rich. And then I do this thing about where I talk to her about all the things that she has, that she has no concept about that makes you rich i feel that though towards my own child i worry about i constantly worry about not constantly i regularly i do constantly worry about her being her not appreciating the things yeah oh i give her i worry about that quite a lot oh yeah yeah. Yeah. She doesn't get that we're

going on good holidays. She doesn't understand that. Yeah. There's, there's a thing we will get when we travel and we've had, we're going on our second really big, fancy, uh, vacation with, uh, two other families. We all split this house in St. Martin, you know, which is, Oh, wow. Yeah. You know, it's amazing. It's beautiful house on the water. We're going to be there for seven days. And like, I have this thing where, and, and we're, and we're in, um, what do you call it? Main, uh, uh, comfort plus, you know, where you get the extra leg room in the, in the plane. Yeah yeah premium economy or whatever yeah yeah and uh and i'll pay for that um i'm happy to do it it's you know for a long flight but she has no concept and she's only got little legs as well she doesn't even need the leg she doesn't

even need it um but like in when i'm flying when i'm doing these gigs, I fly coach, you know, cause I'd rather spend my money on those things, but she just knows those things. She doesn't see it as a special occasion thing. She's just, so she's growing up with like, Oh yeah, well, this is what we do. You know, with no concept of like, no, I'm, I'm busting my ass out of the road and i'm flying coach and i'm getting up at 6 30 in the morning so that we can afford this thing that you're just going like i didn't want the crunchy cheetos i wanted the puffy cheetos like so that that's the rich kid mentality i'm worried about. What can you do about that though? I don't know.

He just wants to scream out. Um, you'll have whatever fucking puffy Cheetos I'll give you. That's not good. No, you know what you can do though, is yell at other people's kids when that comes up and, uh,

just turn, turn and look back and they are planning to go, Hey kid, listen, you'll take whatever fucking Cheetos they give you. Turn back to your daughter and wink. Do you, is she interested in what you do? Has she got any interest in these things? Even at six and a half?

Is she excited? No, not really. She knows that I do jokes, uh, that, or my daddy's funny. Well, you know, what does your dad do for a job? He's funny, tells jokes or whatever. But just recently, and I mean, in the last month, things have shifted a bit because what I knew was going to be inevitable. I was hoping it would not happen for as long as it could, but she saw me on TV and she saw one of the chipmunk movies and so now she has a different uh sort of additional information that she has to process you know it's quite it's quite a weird way into your career that isn't it i wouldn't say it's as a gateway into david cross yeah if i was like david cross arrested

development i wouldn't go straight in with chipmunks well when you're six and a half maybe it's uh what did you excuse me i've not seen the chipmunk movie what's your role in the chipmunk movie um i'm in the first three and i play the same character i play the guy who is a sleazy uh exploits the chipmunks and kidnaps them and And, you know, the baddie in the kids for that guy. I'm the bad guy. Yeah. Does that come up at the school gates or anything like to other kids when you're in the park? Oh my God. That sleazy guy from the chipmunks movies.

No, it hasn't. And, uh, I think probably in the next next two years, that'll be happening a little bit more. Um, but it really hasn't. It's, uh, I don't know. Maybe it's just cause it's New York and just even from, maybe they're just, it's ingrained at an early age, but people in New York just do not give a shit. You know, they just, when I, when I travel and people like, Oh my God, Oh my God, it's good. It's chipmunk guy, you know?

And if you're in New York and people recognize you're like, Oh my God, Oh my God, it's Chipmunks guy. You know? And if you're in New York and people recognize you like, Oh yeah, it's a Chipmunk guy. And you know, So what did your daughter make of the Chipmunks and you being in it? She said it was funny and that I was funny. And then it wasn't about me at all. It was about like my, the, my favorite Chipmunk was, um, uh, Simon. Cause he's also, he's the youngest and she just started talking about the chipmunks, which was very encouraging. Like she didn't get hung up on that other stuff. Like, like, Oh wait, you, but you're my dad and you're like,

that was nothing that was, you didn't have to explain to her. That's not me. I'm playing a role. They're not real chipmunks. They're not real chipm not real chipmunks no oh i lied to her i told her they were real chipmunks and i was i was the fake and and so what's your kind of how does it work with your wife like in terms of um yeah it feels like from talking to your very you're involved dad in the sense that you we speak to some people. I get the impression that they're not that fussed about being a parent, but they're just promoting their thing. But I get the feeling.

Seen their kid that week. They said, yeah, I think one's called Steven. But I get the impression with you, you love parenthood. I love it. I do. I love her. I love being. I do. Uh, I love her. I love being a dad. I, I think, uh, you know, without getting into the sob story of it, I had a very shitty dad in, in multiple ways. And I think it's just

part of like, I don't know, rewriting the balance universe, but, uh, uh, I would never treat a kid the way he treated us or do that. Is that in your mind a lot when you're parenting? Like I want to make this kind of rebalance this and get this right. Not the rebalancing part so much as just, I will do it right. I will not make a kid go through what me and my sisters had to go through and um which is you know uh it's still like uh you know we're adults and i mean more than adults i'm old and it's still of like a fresh scar that i have do you mind if i ask what he did you don't have to say or well i mean it wasn't uh it wasn't physical abuse, he was, uh, a pathological liar. He was, uh, um, he just clearly didn't,

he just wanted the easy part of being a father and none of the hard part. And he wasn't around a lot. And he, we found out later, all these other things, like he was fucking around constantly with everybody. And we moved every, every year. I was in a different school, different city or different state every single year. Uh, up until I was the first time I went to the same school was fifth to sixth grade was the first time I was in the same school. And, you know, we barely saw him.

And, uh uh he also uh stole my bar mitzvah money no yeah jesus it's like if you wrote that in a sitcom or film you guys a bit too much this guy that's one thing too much to do he was he was a real piece of work I think that's really life affirming that you've that's not something that's actively damaged your parenting but if anything it's actively kind of made your parenting more no i think it's uh i think it's made it a it's a good thing and uh yeah so when you've called your tour the worst daddy in the world if it's not it it feels like you know that you're not even in the toy you're definitely not the worst daddy in the toy you're definitely not the worst dad in the world yourself even in your own gene pool we've like your relationship with your dad and stuff like that i imagine when you was like

a grown-up without kids you sort of can put that to the back of your mind a little bit because you've not got this little kid in front of you then when your daughter come along did did old things get sort of brought up where like moments where, you know, you'd be looking at your daughter's fifth birthday and you'd remember what you were having at your fifth birthday? Would it sort of open up that sort of thought process of what happened to you? The closest thing I had to that was a terrible sense of guilt I felt, which believe me, I got over. If I had another kid, I'm not going'm not gonna be this is gonna sound terrible when i say not as present i mean i was there for everything and uh if i had another kid i'd be like yeah fuck him he'll he's he'll figure it out oh don't worry we're all like that with the second

kid that's definitely the way with the second kid do you think he was a little bit too keen to be at every single thing then with your first because your dad wasn't yeah i i mean i felt like well i had a whole bit about uh you know burdening her like i'm i'm i love her and she's gonna appreciate it but i am going to be a burden my love for her is going to be burdensome for her like dad enough you know like you're right, you're right, honey. You're right. Okay. I'll just sit over here at this table. No, I'm not late. Just leave. Yeah, that's what I meant.

I'll just, no, you can't be outside either. That doesn't work. How was, you said they were good. She was good at eating. She was good at sleeping. Those early days would say nappy changing and all that kind of stuff if you're you were fully involved how was that for you did you feel like because I remember with that thing I actually was like terrified of all that stuff but I actually found it I was like

I can deal with this actually better than I thought yeah I had the same thing I didn't know what I was doing and uh uh especially the first month is just, you know, and my wife had a C-section, so she was laid up for a while. So I had to, you know, you know, when she's like an infant, the one, I think lasting negative results of the thing that happened was I'm a incredibly light sleeper now where I was not, I wasn't a heavy sleeper, but I'm, I will wake up like that. I mean, if I hear anything, I wake up and I think it's from, you know, the first couple of months of like sleeping, you know, uh, uh, next to the crib and having to get up and feed her. And if there were any,

you know, kind of cries or anything, like I really think it has, it's goes back to that. I had a whole bit that I never did about taking the baby monitor and, uh, extending it with different cameras all the way to Hartley's to my pub. The guy at the bodega. the guy at the bodega and do you get to try and get her out to the sort of like when you're at the weekend, obviously it's like a busy big city. Where do you sort of go for like little breaks or I know you're going to St. Martin, but do you,

do you go into the sort of countryside or whatever with her or is it, she's a city kid? I have a,'ve had a very small house on uh five and a half acres in the woods that uh that abuts a uh reservoir so nobody will ever ever be through there so it's very quiet i've had it before i met my wife i mean i got it a long time ago that's why there's such good serial killers in america there's so much space to work yes isn't there you can just buy five acres in a cabin and it's that's normal you know what i mean that's about just how quickly can you dig you know exactly swap the plates on the car quick dig before you know it you're that you've got four on the go already

i've got it down i've got uh rubber tubing i've got caloric acid i already. I've got it down. I've got a rubber tubing. I've got caloric acid. I've got, I've got it all down. I got it. And, um, um, so yeah, we, uh, we're, that's where we go. And it's, uh, it's like a two hour and 10 minute drive and it's a pretty nice drive too. And, and it's just, uh, as I said, I've been there since before I even met my wife and, uh, um, know a bunch of people there and it's cheap and it's beautiful. It's right along the Delaware river. It's beautiful. And do you, do you, um, when you go away on tour and stuff, do you feel a wrench going away on tour? Do you feel like a kind of, I did, I did, but I, it's such a part of the routine now that she, uh, and she's kind of gotten past that stage that kids get where they won't let you leave. No, they cling on to you. Um, so she's passed that. And, uh, you know, she knows what

I do. She knows I that's worth, you know, but the other, the, the, the flip side of that is I'm here. I work out of my, you know, I'm, I'm here in my basement where I write, I'm sitting here, you know, and she's upstairs, you know, and she goes down, she goes to school down the street, public school. And I take her, you know, took her there and this morning I get her, get her up, get her ready, take her there. We walk there. I'm, I'm between two awesome parks. I'm right. Uh, we spent all almost all day yesterday at a prospect park,

which is one of the best. I mean, it's just a great, great park. And then they had the sprinklers turned out the playground. We were there all day. And, you know, Brooklyn's a really, really kid-friendly place. Yeah. Josh, do you want to do the final question? Yes.

David, we always end with the same question, which is there's one thing about your partner as a parent that just blows your mind and you can't believe it that you can't do yourself as a parent. And the other part of the question is that one thing your partner does as a parent that really annoys you, but you haven't said it, but were they to listen to this podcast, that'd be your way of communicating it to her. i see sure um blame the podcast okay uh well i would say the thing that i admire that i would wish that i could do that she can do that i can't is breastfeed um would you would you would you shave your chest if you were breastfeeding or keep it hairy

i would shave it yeah i think it feels fair but then when it comes through again that might scratch the baby's face yeah yeah i think shave it but you've got to keep on top of it when i kiss my daughter with stubble like a few days ago she doesn't she's not happy there's two bearded men how does that go down with your daughter does your daughter like your beard uh when you said two bearded men i was thinking like what are, this is like a two, my two dads situation. Yeah. She doesn't mind it. It's pretty much what she knows. Um, so. My girl says it's too scratchy and they would rather their mom kiss them and cuddle them.

My wife is, uh, I mean, she's the cuddle master in the, in the, in that relationship. And relationship and uh but just like like so many parents and families i'm the i'm the the just naturally more roughhousing and there's like punching you know she beat me up and she gets atop my head and like bangs my head like a bongo and you know um uh where she'll just about that slapping your head like i mean you know sometimes i go well that's enough that's too hard that's too hard um but i don't mind it because i always felt like to for to a bald man slapping the head's the worst thing you can do isn't it it feels like that's the the lowest you can be to a man with no hair is to just slap the head like a bongo. That feels like it would trigger me.

It's, uh, yeah, I'm, I'm happy to, I'm happy to sacrifice. It's okay. For me, it's the equivalent. I suffer with having like man boobs sometimes when I'm a bit heavier and the equivalent for me with someone to come up and just start wiggling them just like, you know, that's, that would be my equivalent of just a slap on the forehead. Well, it's one thing if it's a strange race but yeah of course it does depend on the situation that's not an open invite to other people no please don't do that if you see me um but if

you see david cross slapping on the head he absolutely loves it yeah just a bit of fun and and the last part of that question what what's, is the one thing she does that frustrates you, your partner with parenting? Oh, Oh, Oh, easily. It's, um, and let me say, let me answer seriously. The first part, uh, she can intuit things way better and quicker than I can. Like she'll go, she just needs, you know, she just needs some food. She just needs that. She just needs that. Uh, she'll be, uh, you know, 90% of the time she's right and I'm wrong. And, or she's, she's anticipated this thing and like, that's what it is. And,

and she's right. You know, almost all the time. Like that's, don't do, don't do that. She needs this. I'm like, Oh the time. Like that's don't do, don't do that. She needs this. I'm like, Oh, okay. I got it. Um, but the thing that I really, uh, and it's, this is nothing that we haven't talked about, uh, either is she's very, very quick to, uh, put her, you know, give her a iPad or here's a cartoon or here's this and i don't do that like uh numerous times before one of us is gone we'll drive up to the to the woods to the house up there and um

and i never bring the ipad ever i never have fair play respect and not a bit of me but respect I don't give her the phone, I don't give her the iPad I don't have a TV up there we have a DVD she can watch but I don't bring that shit and we'll spend just the chipmunks on three DVDs that's the options up there all she's got is my anything I've done

so don't watch Kung Fu Panda or Increasingly Poor Dec decisions of Todd Margaret, which he doesn't go for, but, uh, Megamind, sure. You can watch Megamind all day, you know, I'm getting residuals, right? Uh, no, I don't. So that's a thing that I am really feel pretty strongly about. And I don't, I don't just go't just go oh my god i need you know uh here here you go here's the tv so i don't do that it sounds like you are an incredible dad david you're an incredible comedian go and see him on tour in let me try and do it off the top

of my head belfast dublin lond, Manchester, and somewhere Glasgow. That was it. And also in America. Cheers. Thanks for coming on, David. Thanks so much, David. Enjoy your day. Cheers.

Thank you. Absolutely. Thank you, guys. Pleasure. David Cross. Lovely bloke. Would you like to live in New York? Yes, but not long-term with kids.

Sounds stressful. Yeah. Well, there we go. We'll be back on Tuesday and David Cross is on top see you next time bye bye