Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP51: Children Are Bad At Things

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing whoa what are you listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 ford escape with available alexa in, so you can change the music.

Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Are you ready? Yeah. It's a lot to discuss. Let me do the opening and we'll sort it out. We don't need to do the opening. We've got to discuss this mic first. Don't do the opening.

We'll come to the opening. There's a lot going on here. Let's be honest. This clip isn't for the podcast. This is for Instagram. What the fuck is going on with your mic? Also, I want to ask why you're dripping with sweat as well, to be honest. Because I ran back from school.

Right. Okay. Fair enough ran back from school. Right. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah. That makes sense. So to address the sound issue. Yeah. At my new office, Michael sent me a link to a new microphone.

Michael's shrunk you down to the size of a borrower. So this is my new mic pop shield. It is bigger than my head. So the normal mic's inside that? Yeah, it's like a Russian doll of foam. So I'm just going to... This actually works best for sound, so are you okay with this? Sorry, you look like you're a victim of crime.

We can't reveal who you are. First of all, they just rang me up and asked for my bank details, but it sounded like it was the bank, so I gave it to them. Let me pull... What level did this mess insane? It's so funny. I can't stop.

It's too funny. I feel like it looks like I feel like It looks like I'm getting Sucked off by a nun Yeah so the sound Is better though But can you put up With this giant mic Well yeah I think

You look Awful After your run You look like Something awful's happened You took your blood red Out When did you get back From the run 10-2 and then we had A bit of a panic You look awful after your run. You look like something awful's happened. You took your blood red out. When did you get back from the run?

10-2, and then we had a bit of a panic for 10 minutes. Who had a panic? Me and Rose. Oh, what about? So this is recorded in advance. We could admit that. Because we're going to Glastonbury. It's not live.

No, no, no, no, but this will be done. It's all recorded in advance, Josh. That's how the world works. Unless it's live. Go on, sorry. So we're going to Glastonbury at 4pm. You're leaving today? So we're recording this on a Thursday before... You're going Thursday night?

No, no, we're going to Tom Crane's house in Bath so that we can just nip in on Friday. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. So, anyway... Are you just texting? Sorry, I'm replying... Yeah, I'll be honest. Sorry, I'm replying. Yeah, I'll be honest with you.

I'm replying to an email. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Sorry. You've got to be. It's important. I wanted to change a meeting and I need to say it's okay with me to do it now because by the time we finish recording this, the meeting will be near. So you've got my full attention now. I've replied.

This is unbelievable. You're smiling away to yourself, loving the fact you had a meeting being changed.'s a terrible meeting there's an accountant meeting as well but i'm just you know um i'm in a good mood today i had an awful day yesterday we can talk about that oh yeah sorry carry on so so so you've got are you taking the kids to bath no no no no no no no no so we were planning on packing today rose loves packing rose loves packing she made a point when she was in a really angry mood she said she was gonna give her view on this on the podcast because i said it we can

pack very quickly so this is your 10 minute little stress chat carry on so what are you stressing about of glastonbury because shell was going to get her at half eight but she wasn't here at 8 50 and we hadn't heard from her so we're panickingicking, that we'd given her a later time. Oh, to look after your little one? Yeah, so that we could get ready to go to Glastonbury. Right, yeah. And we were panicking that we'd just told her turn up when we leave to go to Glastonbury. Right, okay.

And we were like, oh, my God, where is she? She's not replied. We've told her four o'clock, something like that. So does Rose go for a, like, sort of just covers herself in mud, shit and piss for Glastonbury the same way she does getting her fake tan to go to Greecereece so that she's ready for it when she arrives yeah yeah she's been at a festival exactly she arrives at the festival exactly yeah okay um we texted shell she didn't reply text her again she didn't reply then i phoned her and she answered and she's like

oh thank god you phoned me because she's got a courtesy car at the moment because her car's failed as mot or something yeah um she couldn't call us because there was no bluetooth in the car and so she was trapped i've just realized it's a really boring story but anyway it was really incredibly stressful incredibly stressful i'd argue that's not that stressful it is because you're suddenly going the whole day's fucked because this was our day when we were going to pack to go to glastonbury rose has got a nail appointment i've got to do this all these things suddenly we're looking after our son instead yeah so it was incredibly stressful yeah well yeah incredibly i think you may have it's like you don't live with me and rose but you two like i'm not saying i'm not saying rose was projecting but at one point

yeah in the middle of it she said you're never going to build that wooden uh table that's a sandpit we should just get rid of it and i thought this isn't the issue at the moment that's just another worry that's crossed up this is not this is not the problem we're dealing with i do that, though. When I'm stressed about something, I'll start thinking of other things. You sort of like start bullying yourself with extra stuff. What are you shaking? My protein shake.

Your protein shake. God, are you bulking up again, are you? No, I just run back and I haven't had time for breakfast. Okay, but it's all sorted. She's arrived now to look after the kid. Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Oh, that's She's arrived now to look after the kid. Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Oh, that's good.

So what time did she arrive? Well, she was seven minutes away when I phoned her just before the start of this podcast, so I imagine she's arrived just now. So did you have that argument before you'd rang her? Yeah, because we texted her twice and she hadn't replied. I wouldn't say it was an argument. Yes, I would.

No, no, let me pressure. You don't need to. It was an argument. Yes, I would. No, no, let me pressure. You don't need to. It was an argument. No, yeah, I'll be a little around yesterday because she and I have both been a bit snappy with each other. Oh, yeah. It's just tiredness, isn't it? And you just get a bit gnarky.

The fucking light. The longest day can fuck off. My daughter was in at quarter to six this morning. Yeah, everyone just ends up going to bed six this morning. Soul stick. Yeah, everyone just ends up going to bed so late. It's ridiculous. Oh, my daughter. Quarter to six in the morning. I was awake by six. Well, yeah, my kids

begin up about five, six ish every day. It's hard work, man. Anyway. But my brother's newborn sleeps better than my five-year-old. Oh, God. Brilliant. Intro. Should we do the intro to-old. Oh, God. Oh, my. Really, you're not in. Intro, should we do the intro to the show?

Oh, yeah, sorry. That's all right. You don't have to apologise. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Ready? Can you say Bob Beckett? Bob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittaker? Whittaker.

I did a poo. Josh Whittacombe. I did a poo. Okay, that would do. It's a good one. It is a good one. It's a great one. He did a poo.

This is Remy. I like that name. Remy? Didn't we have Remy before? We did, yeah. It's very V one He did a poo This is Remy I like that name Remy again Didn't we have Remy before We did yeah It's very Voguey I bet A lot of people

Have gone Remy recently I think Really Is that Ratatouille We can't do this again Rob No but I'm just saying I've never heard the name Remy before

Remy Moses Used to play for Man U In the 80s Remy Martin Footballer No that's a drink Remy What's the drummer In the Stone Roses Called Remy No 80s? Remy Martin, footballer. No, that's a drink. Remy,

what's the drummer in the Stone Roses called, Remy? No, he's called Remy, wasn't he? Remy Hirano, Japanese celebrity chef. Alfred Remy, American music theorist. What's that mean? Remy Gard. Do you remember the play for Arsenal in the 90s?

Remy Gard. Remy Gard. There we go. Any Remys, Michael? Hello! This is Remy, Remy, who recently turned fucking out. There we go. Any Remys, Michael? Hello. This is Remy. Remy, who recently turned... Fucking hell, what an episode.

Who recently turned 24 months and tempting you the intro. Yes, that was a fart during the bath time. Remy was born on the bathroom floor. Bloody hell. Back in June 2021. Delivered by her father. Unplanned. I'm not a maniac.

Oh, wow. Minutes before the ambulance arrived. Her sister Noah was born in February. Also on the bathroom floor planned this time delivered by a midwife. Remy loves saying both your names and has perfected it. And I couldn't help sending in one where she farted to hopefully hear Rob and Josh's reaction. Keep up the good work.

You genuinely make a difference. Dan and Jodie in. Oh, uh, Winston. is that a place yeah ashby ashby della zooch oh in leicester shirt no boron wood oh near east enderset yeah used to smack there elstree studios elstree um how are you how are you josh i mean this is recorded just before are you excited for glastonbury i am yes i'm yeah i am excited i'm gonna go for it and i'm excited what do you mean by go for it i'm just i think you can have as much i'm just gonna have lots of fun okay that's just i don't know i just that's just what a strange thing to say it's's like, that's a given, isn't it?

Or like, how? No, because I think when you're like, I could have been like, I'm not drinking Shungun and, oh, God, it could be a bit rude. Yes, but you're just going in with an open mind to enjoy the experience. Yeah, I still love music. I still love hanging out with my friends. You love music. I love music. I love my friends.

I love food. The one problem I have is that i do have some acquaintances slash friends i do need to be pissed to spend time with yeah yeah you notice in that little bit that you sort of think sober i think you're a bit hard work actually yes it's interesting who you gravitate towards when you're sober right okay it'll be good to know i'll make a note of that glass theory see who you're near yes exactly we'll walk away from it 11 p.m how excited are you me um yes i am i'm excited again i'm sort of see what's weird is you're going into the bit of like trepidation of like oh i've never done it sober i'm going into it going i'm not sure if i'm gonna like it i'm worried i'm gonna hate everyone however i'm gonna just go in just a relaxed, chilled attitude

and just take it for what it is. If you like meditating, mate, head to the healing fields. Head to the healing fields. Okay, we'll go to the healing fields. No, I'm looking forward to it. Do you know what it is? I'm looking forward to like seeing music and like seeing all my mates and doing the gig and stuff like that and spending time with Lou

and just chilling out. I just really, I can't get on board with the whole just shitting and pissing and not showering in the dirt. I feel like I'm too old for that now. You know what I mean? I like nice things, Josh. I am worried about the toilet. I don't like it when our toilet hasn't got diffuser in.

I am worried about the toilet sober. Oh God. I've not thought about that.'s my worry the worst case scenario for you right you go there you don't touch a touch a drop of drink that's fine you know you're good you have something to eat bit dodgy dodgy tummy food poisoning sober oh my god i once went to glastonbury when i was um i must have been about 21, 22, something like that. And we were still of the age where I had no money. So we brought all of our own drink.

Yeah. I had to walk across site with vodka in plastic bottles. And then we brought our own mixer. We brought Lilt. Totally tropical tasting Lilt. It was totally tropical tasting Lilt. And it was a hot year and we left it in the tent. And we were like right let's have some vodka and little and it was the temperature of a tea that you'd leave but you'd still drink do you know what i mean a tea that you've left

a bit too long but you'd still drink it because it's warm enough do you know what i mean well that's what that's what's weird about iced coffee isn't it because if you have a normal coffee and it gets cold it's the most disgusting thing on planet Earth. But an iced coffee, fine. Is that medium temperature coffee? I'll tell you what you wouldn't have, mate. Hot lilt. Hot lilt and vodka.

So I had a pint of hot lilt and vodka at about midday. See, I can't drink a beer unless it's ice cold. No, and I thought that was horrible. But, you know, it'll do the job. And then I'd say within five minutes, I was having chest pains like I've never had before. What was it, chest pains? I don't know.

The heat of the bubbles and the, I don't know. I've never, like, chest pains like I've never had before. Like I thought, am I having a heart attack? Yeah. Right? And I thought, it's the hot lil, I've got to throw up. I've got to throw up. And until you've thrown up hot lil into one of the long drops

where you can see, you know, like where it's like 20 holes onto a pit and normally you're not looking down, but when you're throwing up, you can see everything that's going in through all the other holes and and what's on the bottom and in the baking sun and i'd say after that i can do anything in those toilets mate never drank again never drank again never drank again do you know what i think is and i'm actually looking forward to going but the what i find difficult is that I had the radio on and everyone's, I think everyone's just too positive about it. They go like, it's the greatest place on earth.

Oh my God. It's like, you know, it's about being, and like, I feel like it's built up too much. Under promise, over deliver. They haven't learned that. Exactly. They haven't learned that with Glastonbury. And like, I don't know if it's nostalgia of people

when they were young and it was amazing for them and they went like, I love Zoe Ball. And she was on the radio talking about something. Oh, we're stuck. We're in the queue to be the first in the classroom. We've been sat here for four hours. And Zoe Ball was like chatting. Oh, God, there's nothing like the queue to Glastonbury, is there?

I'm like, pardon? Oh, it's great. Everyone just sort of like, you know, you're in the queue to Glastonbury. I'm like, I don't ever want to be in a queue. No. There is something. But it's like, I's great. Is everyone just sort of like, you know, you're in the queue to glass. I'm like, I don't ever want to be in a queue. No. There is something like, but it's like, don't, I accept that. But don't try and make the queue magical. No.

I was once in the queue at Castle Kerry Station. Getting the train there is tough, man. And there was like, there'd been a crash in the country lanes to Glastonbury. So we were basically stuck on the platform of Castle Kerry Station. So busy that we were basically stuck on the platform of Castle Kerry Station so busy that we were stood up I couldn't sit down in the baking heat

with our backpacks on for two hours and it was fucking unbearable there's nothing like being stood up in the sun there's nothing like it Rob when it's the Glasto Q

and then we got on the shuttle bus and no joke some absolute **** got out his acoustic guitar oh no you ain't giving it to me right anyway Some absolute c*** got out his acoustic guitar. Oh, no. You ain't giving it to me.

Right. Anyway. Let's talk about parenting. Anyway, sorry. Someone said I swear too much on this. Why don't you tell them to go f*** themselves and stop listening then? Who are they? Your mum? I find that you swear a bit.

I couldn't give a s***. Don't listen then. But it was me. They chose me. They picked out me. I think, though, you... I think... I swear a bit. I couldn't give a shit. Don't listen then. But it was me. They chose me. They picked out me. I think, though, you, I think, I swear a bit more for effect. You swear a bit more in turn of phrase. I just don't even think about it.

Yeah. Also, I think when you're working class, you get away with swearing more. If you're slightly better spoken, it's more jarring. Yeah. How's parenting been, Rob? Well, we've got a lot going on at the moment because we've moved house. Yeah. We don't know where anything is.

But we did go to, so a couple of things happened. Lou ordered in a cardo shop to the old house. Oh, no. Absolute classic. This mic's genuinely too big. I can't. What I've done is I've moved your screen down to look at my notes and remember what to tell you.

And then you're too low and this fucking microphone's so big. It's up here around a bush. It's like you're a peeper. Little peeping Tom. No, so Lou sent the Ocado to the wrong house, which was a lovely little trip out for us. Yeah. Ah, this is what went to my daughter.

You know, my daughter did recorder class. Yeah. So there was a junior school music performance. It was like in the big hall and they all had to perform in front of all the audience the parents that have paid for tickets and stuff so it was like a big yeah and it was all like the year sixes from year one to year six doing stuff so it was like there was like a little orchestra doing violins and cellos and all that and it was quite impressive and a lot of singing from the choir anyway she came out and did a her recorder and i was because

she was really nervous about going and then we sort of like convinced her to go anyway she came out and and she did it you know she did brilliantly and it was amazing but and and it was so lovely to see but what's interesting is like it's a 45 minute performance and i and she did two songs hot cross buns and another one. And I'd say she was in the show for what could have been three minutes. Absolutely. Actually I'd say 90 seconds. And I've sat through 45 minutes of other people's children performing.

And I've never experienced such sort of like life affirming magic of like, oh my God, my beautiful daughter is up there confident performing and she was nervous and she's worked really hard and she's got, and you sort of like, and I cried Josh during the hot cross buns. I cried because I was so overawed of emotion and it was incredible. And to jump, yeah, of course.

Yeah. And to want a penny to a penny. It gets me every time, but I was genuinely like, two a penny. It gets me every time. But I was genuinely like, this is incredible. And then I've never gone from that to complete boredom so quickly when someone else's kid starts playing the instrument. I've never cared so much and so little within, because if you watch a football match and you really care,

there's a bit of a come down, isn't there, after the game? Or, oh, yeah, okay. But this but this was instantaneous oh for fuck's sake i'm here now for 40 more minutes and don't get me wrong they're all good they're very good at singing they're all very good but you could find the greatest violin player in the world and i still wouldn't give a shit and watch well rob that's a good lesson for glastonbury it's a good lesson for glastonbury i'll tell you why go on don't go and watch. Well, Rob, that's a good lesson for Glastonbury. It's a good lesson for Glastonbury. I'll tell you why. Go on.

Don't go and watch bands you're not interested in seeing because other people are going. Yes. Okay, that's a good tip. Because those other children at school, Rob, they are Haim. They are Warpaint. They are fucking Royal Blood. They are the bands that someone else is going to, you feel you might as well tag along,

and you're bored out of your fucking bonds. So what would you do instead then? Just go and sit somewhere? I'm going on my own. I'm flying my own race this year. The old phrase, fly my own race. Oh yeah. I've been thinking about flying my own race, but I don't understand what it means. I've decided

Michael is a classic race flyer of his own race. Sorry, is this an actual phrase? No, no, no. How is it racist? Yeah, sorry. Oh, yeah, good point.

Flies the flag of his own race. Yeah, I'm not flying my own race. Just to be clear. Michael turns up at every Glastonbury with his white is right flag. Yeah. I'm not flying my own race. I'm going to go and see Laurel Karner. It's fine.

You can fly your own race. You just go and see all the white acts. I'm going to go and see Lizzo. Inor. It's fine. You can fly your own race. You just go and see all the white acts. I'm going to go and see Lizzo. I'm not flying my own race. Let's be very clear on that. Fair enough. Thank you. Okay.

No, there's nothing worse than being stood in the field thinking, oh, fuck, another hour of this shit, because I couldn't be bothered to walk in a different direction to my friends. Okay. So go it alone. Yeah. That's the thing, isn't it? Well, yeah, but I couldn't just leave the school hall. You couldn't it? But I couldn't just leave the school hall.

You couldn't just leave. You couldn't just leave the school hall. No. And they were great as well. It wasn't like they were bad. I just don't care about other people's children. No, of course you don't. And they don't care.

They don't want to watch my daughter do recorder. And let's be honest, Rob. They're shit. Because our daughters are shit. But we don't realise it ourselves, Rob. No, they're all shit. They're all shit. Oh, come on now, Rob.

No, no, no. I'm not saying... On the grand scheme of things. No, no, no. I'd say in the grand scheme of things... You've seen better musicians. Not of children. But generally.

Yeah, I know, but that's not a fair judgment. Exactly. We all know what children... I mean, it's not like you and Floyd Mayweather get beaten by a pulp by Tyson Fury and then saying he's rubbish at boxing. Fury's just bigger than him. No, but what I'm saying, Rob... Yeah? Floyd Mayweather get beaten by a pulp by Tyson Fury and then saying he's rubbish at boxing. He isn't. Fury's just bigger than him.

No, but what I'm saying, Rob. Yeah. His children are bad at things. They were good. I mean, you're very limited with a recorder. They couldn't have played Three Blind Mice or Hot Cross Buns, whatever it was, any better. And that is the limitation of the recorder. But it was efficient and it was good.

And all the other singing was good i'm not saying it wasn't good what i'm saying yeah is that there's are you saying my daughter's shit no i'm saying musically yeah all children are shit i'd say i was actually pleasantly surprised by the quality of the show. What I was saying was, even though it was of a high standard, I still didn't care. Yes. At all.

And it's a lot of, it's like going to Glastonbury just for Elton John. Yeah. And then you've got to sit through the other things. And there's nothing wrong with our tick monkeys. Well, there might be. But yeah, I know what you mean. It's difficult, isn't it? Because when we went to the Christmas thing, reception went on first as well. So you're on first.

Yeah, I'm contemplating. This is my plan. You sit by the exit. Yeah. And you say to a teacher, or if they're a little bit too stiff neck, find, you know, the, what are they called at school? The groundskeeper? The, what are they called?

The groundskeeper. You know that person with all the keys and the big mops? Yeah, the. Oh, what are they called the groundskeeper the person with all the keys and the big mops normally yeah the um uh oh what they called school caretaker caretaker give him a tenner and go mate can you come in and just whisper in my ear and say oh sorry sir i think you need to move your car once my daughter's been on she's in recorder club like when george bush got told about 9-11 exactly that and then i can oh sorry mate and then shuffle out and it looks like and then i'm out yeah so that i think that's my plan going forward how about this yeah get someone to ring your phone a quarter past yeah and you get it out your pocket and just under your breath you go oh god no i think that's too much

because it looks like i'm just taking a call no the oh god no no one's going he shouldn't take that call but then further afield in the hall people won't have heard the oh god no oh not oh my god i've got to answer this oh my god do do do do do oh my god oh shit oh my god it's my agent it's my agent this could be big no that's bad i think i'm gonna slip the caretaker a tenner they've changed the dates they've changed the dates for robin romesh can i fly on a tuesday um oh the other things i want to talk to you about um so the new house move we've we've put grass seed down yeah to grow grass obviously because it's just mud at the moment at the front yeah and uh it's really exciting josh because it grows

really quick does it i think but it's weird because you sort of look at it and go is that is that grass coming from because it's all brown but it's that little bit i feel a bit like when i was like 11 trying to find pubes on my body it's not an image that's just a horrible image but you're just looking at it just just above your penis and you go is that a little bit of sprouting is it germinating down there did you ever i was obsessed with getting pubes yeah i don't think i even i mean i just did it mate i've noticed at certain age men just either like get into the lawn barbecuing or cars oh lawn man i had a small lawn in our cars. Oh, lawn, man.

I had a small lawn in our last house. It drove me mad. I was too much of a perfectionist when it came to the lawn. Is that where you're going to go, Astro? Are you going Astro? We've got Astro here. Better? Well, it's not better in terms of look,

but in terms of space in my mind for other things. It has emptied out a huge amount of lawn worries i do think if you've got kids and a smallish garden in london you and you don't get much light on it you've got to go gastro you've got to go astro mate you've got to go astro yeah um otherwise you're just fighting a losing battle you're just fighting a losing battle mud in winter too hard in summer and it's just not really the proper lush lawn it's just puby just puby like what is your obsession with pubes um this is funny as well you know our cat so we've got our cat that's basically loves being outside he just doesn't like coming in he's outside

all the time and he's got space in the new house to come in like away from the dog and all that but even before we got a dog he didn't come in the house much just to eat and drink anyway so we've got in this little hutch thing around the corner so i thought well if he can't you know because he doesn't come in sometimes we haven't got a cat flap at this house so when we shut the doors like we've got a little hutch like a warm hutch thing for him yeah that he can go to if he wants to escape from anything you can go in and there's food and drink and a bed and it's got a heater thing and it's all warm somewhere for him to go he's not always around to let him in at night yeah and we've not seen him for ages but then we've realized there's like a near our house there's like a cat rescue place right and so there's cats everywhere i think

he's gone there you think your cat has handed himself in to cat rescue well i think he likes other cats and there'll be food and drink out all the time and loads of other cats to sort of chill out with yeah so i've so i feel i think we're tempted to knock on there and go look we've got a cat but he don't really come home much we're worried that he may have like handled himself in on the website last night looking at cats to adopt in case he's been put up because he was like we don't mind that if he's floating between us and because it's like there there's loads of space for him to explore. You've got to go and ask.

Well, yeah, so we're going to go and ask. Look, he is our cat. We do put out food and water for him. He's got a place to come in and out, but he just sort of wanders. So if you see him and he looks a bit rough around the edges, let us know. But don't put him up for adoption. He's chipped anyway, so it should be proper.

Take him back to the old place with your cardo. Still haven't done that. You have to do so many address changes. This is a fucking joke. Oh, it's awful. It's fucking awful. I was looking on the Ocats to adopt page last night just in case he'd been snuck in, but he hasn't, so I'm sure he's fine.

Did I ever tell you about when I took a stray cat back to the vet? No. So there was this stray cat that it turned up for a couple of months. We started feeding it, so it became quite a loyal knocker on our door and um we were like i don't think this is a neighborhood cat maybe we should take it to the vet and see if it's been chipped so we got it in a box like a cat box yeah and i took it to the vet and i was like there's no you know you think they're just gonna go you can keep this cat yeah and they came out and they were like yes chip did someone who lives about a mile away so we're going to take it to them and then they

were like do you want to come and say goodbye did you no because i didn't know what i'd say i was like what you'd say i didn't know like because i would the vet be there and then they'd be judging me on what i said to the cat like yeah i think there are levels to pet ownership where i think we've got pets and dogs and i know you technically wasn't our pet you know but like you've got your cats and stuff like but you know i love i do love for another moan about it a bit but especially in the new house there's a bit more space it's a it's a lot more it's a lot more chilled but um there are people above where it's like they they're not even like family members it's like beyond family members it's sort of like like it's a real they're

really into it well is that is is cats cats in the country time a bit more of a sort of loose free-flowing format would you say dogs our dog when i grew up yeah our dog and cat would just go in and out really yeah wouldn't your dog run away though no no i don't know why it wouldn't just didn't know where to go in it yeah ages away to anything else exactly there's nothing to run to the spars two miles down a hill no dog wants that my dad for a period had racing pigeons right there's some pat matt where do we race them how do you race a pigeon it's just sort of like whoever gets back first basically so what would happen is you'd have to train them how so the way you train it's fucking incredible that pigeons can do this yeah right so basically what happened is my dad

i think that we had an injured pigeon turned up and he kind of nursed it back down he got just got into pigeons and started keeping pigeons racing pigeons i don't know am i tyson or duncan ferguson yeah i think if someone gets into pigeons i sort of feel like is everything okay so what would happen it's incredible so that you get the pigeons in their pigeon basket and you start by driving maybe a few hundred yards away and release them and then they fly back to the pigeon loft right and then you just do it further and further and they've just got this homing instinct yeah and then with pigeon racing they'd literally get taken to places different places in the country sometimes they get taken to mainland

europe like to belgium yeah all these different people's pigeons and they get a they put a ring on their leg and that's what you'd use to say what time they got home because you put it in your timer and it would stop the timer right to prove that you're not lying so the pigeons would fly they'd be released in antwerp and they'd just fly straight back to the loft. How long does it take to get from Antwerp to the loft? I don't know. A few hours? I don't know.

Isn't it mad that they can do that? But then we had this massive tree in the garden that the pigeons like to go in. Yeah. And you can't stop the clock until the pigeon gets to you so you can take the thing off the leg. So they fly all the way back from Antwerp and just sit in this tree and then my dad would be in the garden like shaking their food going come on come on oh that's good i didn't know about that about pigeons josh yeah homing pigeons that's why they

use them during the war as well, presumably. And, oh, pets, we call in the new dog Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie. Yeah, you've said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that means you've got Fred and George, and people keep saying to me, oh, because of Harry Potter, and I don't even know what that means. Oh, is that the Weasleys? Yeah, so, but I'm... No, isn't that Ron?

I don't know. Yeah, but I think it might be his brothers or something. Oh, fuck. But I'm like, I've never watched Harry Potter or read it, and I didn't know about fred and george it is fucking pathetic when grown-ups into harry potter oh josh josh that's a dangerous game to play i don't care if we lose listen i'm quite controversial today aren't i children are shit in music harry potter's for kids not grown-ups i think if the person likes harry potter accepts oh yeah it's because i've read it as a kid and i loved it in a nostalgic way but people grow up come on mate it's magic oh now you've joined in now you've bloody joined in if you

were a grown-up yeah if you're a kid when harry potter came out fine yeah yeah accept it the adults are really into it i enjoy reading roald dahl to my kids that's fine but yeah but yeah oh yeah i'm not a harry potter fan but yeah that but then people i'm worried people are just going to say that to me all the time yeah and i say what no no absolutely not um josh have you got anything you want to talk about parenting wise or do you want to do some correspondence um it's just been very quiet parenting wise in that it's been going fine i know that's the last thing anyone wants to hear we started booking summer holiday clubs basically we're filling up summer holiday oh are you so yeah what's the plan art clubs we're going to whitstable we're going to norfolk for a little holiday yeah we're just filling filling filling couple of days yeah all

that kind of stuff we're doing things we're just filling it filling, filling. Couple of days. Yeah, all that kind of stuff. We're doing things. We're just filling it because we've heard it's just a nightmare if you don't fill it. Yeah, it's a balance where you want to fill it with stuff so you've got a plan, but also you don't overfill it because then you don't get any rest time. Because this is your first summer where your... First summer.

Where your daughter's not been in, like, full-time nursery. Well, she was never in full-time nursery, but yeah. Well, no, you know what I mean, not term-time nursery. So here we bloody go, mate. We're ready. We're bringing it on. You'll be right. Yeah, fine.

Should we do a couple of correspondence? Yes, let's do correspondence, Rob. Okay. Kids' hairdresser requests. Hi, Rob and Josh. I was listening to a recent episode where you asked people to write in about any odd requests at the hairdressers oh yeah my daughter wanted it longer didn't she yeah when my oldest son was about five i took him to the hairdressers and he asked what

sort of haircut he liked he fished around his pocket and brought out a lego minifigure which he showed to the hairdresser amazing he basically wanted his hair to look like a lego piece the hairdressers attempt to recreate this plastic molded hairdo did not live up to my son's expectations, and he never made that mistake again. Thanks, Caroline. I think that is too tough, the Lego hair, isn't it? They're never going to match that. It's just too neat, isn't it?

It depends on the Lego piece, though, doesn't it? Yeah. There are subtle differences. Here, I've got Marty McFly in front of me. Can you see him? Oh, yeah. He's got a little foot. And then this one, Doc says quality. Look at that. Oh, oh that is good i'm building back to the future car at the moment yeah

yeah how is that uh people who read harry potter need to grow up attitude coming on rob do you know what it's because i just keep it to myself the lego yes i don't bang on about it or go oh muggle oh god i'll tell you what don't start using like terms from lego for people do i i tell you what you don't do rob say someone is like a classic hufflepuff see do you know what it is that's what annoys people about the harry potter is fair enough you like it and you're an adult get on with it whatever but it's when they use the terminology and you go pardon and they're like classic hufflepuff what what does that mean? The only way... I've had to look...

Expelliarmus is up when they do a trick, isn't it? Yeah, a potion or something. A spell. A spell. Yeah, what is Hufflepuff? It's one of the houses. Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and another one. Gryffindor.

Harry Potter's in Gryffindor, and the baddies are in Slytherin, aren't they? And the baddies are blonde again, aren't they? Yeah, Draco Malfoy. Always the way. I'm sick of it I'm sick of the blonde people being the little weird evil ones happens all the time Rocky IV, Ivan Drago always baddies the blonde ones Donald Trump, Boris Johnson these fictional figures I don't know where they get their ideas from. Right, here we go.

I've got one here. Hello. When me and my three younger siblings were kids, we would poke our tongue out to each other, a real bug bit of my mum's. So one day she threatened us with a spoon of mustard on our tongue if we did it again. Oh, no.

I have a fabulous memory of my sister being put on a kitchen counter and being made to eat a tablespoon of mustard. Oh, my God. Being so stubborn stubborn she declared hmm yummy before bursting into tears whilst me and my brothers roll about laughing oh that's horrible oh my word that's tough isn't it i've heard stories of like friends of friends parents like if they swore actually rub soap on their kid's tongue and that is that is fucking evil and if you ever did that to a kid growing up you're a horrible horrible person it's an awful thing to do um it's abuse anyway mustard not a fan of that either anyway another time when i was three maybe four i went through the classic

toddler biting phase i bit my brother in the supermarket so my mom pulled down my pants there and then and hit me on the bum oh yeah that that's a good way to teach anti-violence is violence. Apparently, that was the last time I bit anyone. Yeah, I would probably not do that as well if I was a dystic bastard slapping my ass, my bare cheeks in front of the yoghurts. Loving the podcast. Thanks for the laughs. Like Josh, we're similarly sleep deprived.

Good to know someone else has it bad as us. Ellen. God, I was sent a while ago. You're not that sleep deprived anymore, are you? I've got, I'm having more sleep than you. I know, it's awful. The only person who gets more sleep than me, Rob, is Rose. Bit of fun.

Bit of fun. Is it a little bit annoyed though? I sense a little bit of. I think, I think if you are the guy that makes a tea in the morning, you should at least be allowed to consistently joke about it. Correct. So what time are you getting up in the morning at the moment? Six-ish?

6.30? No, 6.30, 7. 6.30, 7. So you're up then, and is that because the kid's up or you're up before the kids? Oh, my son. So my daughter will come into our room. Well, she came into our room at quarter to six this morning.

Then she went on the iPad. It was so loud that I woke up at six. Right. So you do iPad during the week? Well, we do. She has to have a quarter to six, Rob. See, no, we only do iPad at weekends. Oh.

Oh, I didn't realise I was better than you. Oh, wow. Oh, that feels good, actually. Oh, wow. Oh, that feels good, actually. Oh, wow, okay. That feels good, actually. I've actually got more of a handle on screen time than the old stiff necks. Interesting. We don't do it on weekends, though.

Oh, don't you? Okay, fair enough. No, we don't. Touche. No, so she came in at quarter to six. Yep. I wasn't ready to get up. Fair enough.

So she played games on her iPad. To be fair, when they woke me up at 5am for Father's Day, they had their iPads immediately, which is way too early. No, no, no, Rob. You win. You win, Rob. Don't make me feel better. Yeah.

I'm going to go and cry now. I'm going to go and destroy the iPad, throw it in the bin. I'd have a pint of hot Lilton vodka and I've got you back on the booze after that comment yeah exactly um so i then woke up about six myself yeah i read my book rob you read your book so and your your boy sleeps about seven no he woke up about he started making the odd noise about 6 15 so he read your book for 15 minutes managed to push it to about 6 45 if I'm honest. So you basically get up between like half six

and seven most mornings. Yeah. And until you get up and make the tea and the kids are downstairs with you and you're doing breakfast at that point.

No, my daughter will be in bed with Rose. Right while you're making tea? Yeah. Then you bring up the tea and you have tea in bed? Well, I don't. I go back to...

I like it downstairs, Rob. On your own? On my own or with my son. With my son, really. Yeah, okay. So you're up and about doing parenting stuff before Rose? Look.

No, no, no, no. That's not... We're both very happy with the deal we've struck. Sure. And when you're working late, how will that affect the morning? It hasn't happened in ages, actually. Because you've not been on tour? Not been on tour.

The touring really disrupts the family dynamic because it creates resentment because you're knackered and then it's unfair on your partner but also you've been away so they've been doing all the bedtimes so it's very difficult to go oh come on now you know in many ways everyone's a loser when you're on tour well i did a gig on wednesday and i got home at midnight and then i was up at half five for the kids and everyone loses when you when you've got a gig yes no one's happy the audience anyway oh no this is what my kids have been doing they've been arguing about what to listen to in the car so we've been doing a have a song each kind of thing

yeah but um what they're doing is they go no i hate that one so they they try and ruin it for their sibling oh they veto the other ones yeah so so i don't like that song so they'll either put their hands over their ears and go la la la la la and i said no that's rude you mustn't do if you don't like it you can put your hands over your ears if you want but don't ruin it for the other person yeah you've got to go in a minute so then what they've started doing to counteract that is singing along to it, but like,

yeah, yeah, yeah. But so they're technically singing along, but actually ruining the song. That is annoying. What are the songs? What kind of things? Disney. On the mix at the moment

is Spice Up Your Life, Spice Girls, Watermelon Sugar, Harry Styles, Heart of Stone from Six, the musical. What else has been? Levitating, Dua Lipa.

And how have they come across these? Radio 2? No, not really. At school, friends, they love Stitches, Shawn Mendes, an Ed Sheeran song. They like, I like to move it, move it from Madagascar, but I've put them on the original version, not the Will.i.am one. It's much better. But yes, there's a certain songs, but I've started them if you had if you've already had it this week you've

got to do a different one or i choose oh that's good because otherwise you just listen to the same same shit over and over again right it's awful rob just a bit of time for small business shout out okay let me go first hi rob and josh love your podcast so much i would really appreciate it if you could do a small business shout out to my brilliant sister-in-law she has recently set up a small business called the little barrow selling hand embroidered 100 handmade cotton cardigans for naught to two year olds so if you're three you haven't got a chance shit is your glass because the card doesn't start getting too big and take too long? I can't. I can't.

I'll get bored in any ages above that. She has a range of beautiful colours and can personalise them with custom coloured threads. Oh, no. Yes, please. Perfect for newborn, Christmas, christening and birthday gifts. I've bought five myself. Well, she's very good at writing for a nought to two-year-old. And they are wonderful her instagram handle is the underscore little underscore barrow thank you very much charlotte

hi guys hi guys thank you for knocking it out the park god that reminded me of that ainsley harriet clip that is one of my favorite things that's ever happened what's that uh hello gene what is it he says hell, it's funny. Oh, hello, Gene. On this morning. Yeah, on this morning. When he surprises that old lady, Alison Hammond's already in there laughing in her face,

giving her a telly. Then Alison, and then Ainsley Harrett comes in laughing in her face and she looks terrified. Hi, guys. Hello, Gene. Hello, Gene. That is so funny.

I'll find it while you read this out and we'll play it. Hi, guys. Thanks for Gene. Hello, Gene. That is so fun. I'll find it while you read this out and we'll play. Hi, guys. Thanks for knocking it out of the park at the Cardiff International Arena recently. No problems. Cheeky local small business. Shout out, please. I'm a counsellor based in Cardiff that specialises in working with mums. Because we all need a bit of backup with the mental load.

My website is... Oh, no. Here we go. up with the mental load my website is oh no here we go https colon forward slash forward slash demelzatherapy.co.uk demelza is spelt d-e-m-e-l-z-a d-e-m-e-l-z-a demelzatherapy.co.uk i work exclusively online so mums can get support they need without having to leave the house thanks so much demelza there we go lovely here we go i've got it here josh oh it's one of the great moments in history of tv you ready for it josh yep why hello jill why hello jill if you don't know what we're talking about google why why hello jill and watch the full clip and that is incredible it's absolutely

incredible that's something for you to do surprising an older lady with gifts and alison Why hello, Jill. And watch the full clip. And it's incredible. It's absolutely incredible. That's something for you to do. Surprising an older lady with gifts. And Alison and Ainsley, I think, are very loud for her. Yes. And she looks absolutely petrified. It's so funny. Here we go.

I've got another beer. There's going to be more because we've only got Ainsley Harriot here who's going to do a treat dish for you. He's going to cook you a lovely treat in your very own kitchen. Here he is. Why hello, Jill. That edit's funny. They put eyes on Ainsley and Jill. See you on Friday. Bye.