Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP53: 69 - 69 - 69 - 24/7

Episode Date: July 11, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting each week we'll

be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing this episode is brought to you by secret secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils.

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Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Charlie, can you say Josh Widdicombe? Not Josh Widdicombe. Can you say Rob Beckett? Not Rob Beckett.

Aw. That is two-year-old Charlie, who you can probably tell is currently going through a never-ending no stage. Thanks for keeping us entertained in the isolating early days and every week since. Ellie from South London currently living in Belfast. Oh, lovely. I like Belfast.

All the pubs shut early in Belfast. Do they? They've got like a weird, not weird, just different. Shall we play normal or not normal? The closing time of the pubs in Belfast. Not in Northern Ireland. Let's not play that game there, okay?

Okay, okay. Let's be opening a can of coffee. So, things to get through today, Rob? We've got a lot to get through. Glastonbury, sports days. Sports day, Glastonbury. Your new hammers. Yes. My stressful day.

Oh, in fact, my stressful day I've got to deal with at this exact moment. Can I start with my stressful day, Rob? I think that's the best place to start. Okay. My daughter's off school ill. Okay. Is she okay? Yeah. I'll be honest, Rob. Nothing wrong with her wrong she is a nerd and i love her for it why what's happened she was arguing to go into school even though she's ill

because she wanted to finish her nature wand i'd send her in how ill is she well she's got her concert tomorrow right and she's got a school trip tomorrow so we want her to get better right okay and can i ask what the condition is of her yes stomach stomach issues the stomach yeah okay that that's one where the parent really needs to say no yeah exactly you need to be at home just to keep it safe yeah yeah exactly but if she's got a runny nose and a bit of a cough she's straight in school oh yeah oh don't worry about that mate don't worry about that mate anyway on top of that so yeah rose is currently two on one yep and i did see both of them did you when you went to make a tea because

we started a bit late yeah because producer i don't know i'm laughing producer michael's broke his foot yeah when he wants to go for a wee it takes ages sorry michael he needs a bottle michael's got more reason to be on last leg than you now josh exactly exactly so when i was waiting i was waiting and i heard rose talking to her children your children and your son ran in yeah completely ignored her and started playing on the guitars giggling to himself yeah loving life i know and then she did put a foot down he came out good bit of parenting there from Rose. She didn't realise you were there, I don't think.

Imagine if she'd, like, whacked him. Josh, a bit of a weird start to the show, but you may need to have a word with old backhand Sue upstairs. No, she didn't. It was very good parenting where she obviously wanted to get downstairs and he's busy with two kids, but your two-year-old was having the time of his life playing on the top. So she let him play for a bit and then they went downstairs

as I watched on like a pervert. Yeah. An unassuming pervert. It felt like a sting. It felt like a honey trap where I just logged on to go to work, do my little podcast, have a little chat with you. Paid a bit of money to watch. Like just watch a woman parent in some sort of

weird kink what's your kink watching a woman deal with two children at home when one should be at school um also she's lost her phone is broken so i'm currently dealing i've got her email the one of those people on a bike has come and picked it up and taken it and they'll bring it back later today fix so you're doing double admin i'm just writing now because uh there's writing now don't write now it's all now uh rose is panicked because i had to send him the code to unlock the phone yeah which feels a bit dodgy to me but we're not going into that yeah and also her sort code and um 69 69 69 isn't it yeah it did 69 69 69, 69, isn't it? Yeah. 69, 69, 69, 24-7. That'd be exhausting, wouldn't it?

Oh, it'd be stuff. After a while, it wouldn't be fun. By a while, I mean 10 minutes. 10 minutes? 24-7 is probably a better position, isn't it, than 69? It's comfier. Not to be blue. Go on. I can't fully enjoy 69. It's comfier. Not to be blue. Go on.

I can't fully enjoy 69. There's too much going on. It's like tapping your belly and rubbing your head or whatever it is. It's too much. I don't know where my head should be. Mentally. I don't know where my head should be physically.

Anyway. It's like, I can juggle two oranges you chuck the third in it's too much of a way to compute i don't know what's going on exactly and i feel like i'm gonna end up doing something really bad by accident yeah you know anyway enough of that sorry go on just your stressful day yeah so anyway she hasn't got a phone either so i'm dealing with that it's much more stressful for rose but it's that classic thing of the podcast guilt because you're obviously you're off site now with your podcast being on site when the other so I'm dealing with that. It's much more stressful for Rose, but it's that classic thing of the podcast guilt.

Because you're obviously, you're off site now with your podcast. Being on site when the other parents got the two kids and the stressful day. Well, she's got no phone. She's got nothing to distract her. She should be just loving it. Right, well, we'll see when Rose comes on

whether she picks you up on that. You got two kids off. She'll be all right. It's only a day. You shouldn't feel guilty. You've got to work, mate. Oh, no, no, no. You're logging in. You're grafting right. It's only a day. You shouldn't feel guilty. You've got to work, mate. Oh, no, no, no. You're logging in.

You're grafting here. It's fine. It's fine. But I had to go downstairs so she could eat an omelette, Rob. You can eat an omelette with two kids, can't you? Just quickly and messily. Yeah, but there's just much quicker if I'm on kid duty while she eats her omelette. She had three minutes to eat her omelette before I had a last leg meeting.

What a life. Do you know what? Being married to a TV celeb is not all that he's cracked up to be, is it, Josh? It's not, Rob. It's not. You're just shoveling down an omelette as your husband chacks to Alex Brooke

and Adam Hills about a funny song for the end of the show. Too right, mate. I've got an Elton John tribute act, so... Is it you again? Hey! Someone did make that joke in the room. I wanted to say you did brilliantly.

I didn't know you was doing a surprise set to close Glastonbury on Sunday night. Yeah, man. Also, Rob. Yeah. I wanted to say you did brilliantly. I didn't know you was doing a surprise set to close Glastonbury on Sunday night. Come on. Also, Rob. Yeah. My final thing for my stressful day. So, hang on. Your stressful day is that Rose has broke her phone and you've got two children at home.

No, it's Rose's stressful day. It's Rose's stressful day. Oh, God, yeah. I've got to go for medical for my life insurance. That's fine. Yeah, did I tell you what happened to my life insurance? What? I was on the phone to him and he made me weigh myself yeah and uh as i weighed myself and i gave him my height and weight

he uh added six quid a month on to the premium no because i was heavy he shouldn't say that he should just do it well no but he was just so tall it was like a mechanic when they do you know when i gave him the numbers oh that's good i was like oh this is for some did you say come on mate i'm holding my phone while i weigh myself can you knock a pound on like that's come on mate i've carried a lot of water weight it's been a busy week you know yeah but yeah so that was that was depressing so you've got to go medical for your life insurance yeah that's the that's not that's not an issue i'm also in in the middle of all this. I'm running the school quiz again tonight, Rob.

So you have got quite a stressful day. So basically two kids at home, one ill. Yeah. Rose hasn't got a phone, so you're doing double admin. You've got medical for your life insurance, last leg meetings, this. Yeah. And we're also doing an interview after this, aren't we? Yeah.

It's a long recall, this one. It's a three-hour jobby for us today. And then you're going to host a school quiz again. And I haven't written it. Oh, you are fucked. You categorically have no time to do that. I spent the last leg meeting making the picture round, which is pictures of celebrities as children.

Okay. So I've got the picture round. I've made a Spotify playlist of the music round. I just need to come up playlist of the music round i just need to come up with all the questions or just all the questions for the quiz yeah so you've done all skirt no knickers basically i've done all skirt no knickers yeah you know you need to get some knickers found a great picture of joe biden as a child and we can all enjoy that i know it's the hunter biden ones you don't want isn't it yeah it really is yes here's a good one for you

what was the name of florence nightingale's owl she kept in her pocket what sorry Florence Nightingale used to keep an owl in her pocket when she was an owl yeah yeah what was the name Athena wow that's a good question good little fact isn't it yeah it is yeah is it a good question I think it's a good question I like it yeah yeah so you've got one now yeah so yeah it's a busy day isn't't it? Yeah. So we're finishing at 2pm, aren't we? 1pm. No, 2pm. What? Oh yeah, 2pm.

Yeah, it's 2pm. It's 11am now. Yeah. So again, you've lost another hour of your day. Yep. Yeah. Jesus. I've got the bus.

I've got the bus. Or however I get to the medical. That's going to be time. Oh, well, you've got no chance. Because I met you lot in East London to go through some business stuff. Like, we were in The Apprentice. It was really weird. And I got the bus to London Bridge to get home.

I got on the bus. I said to the bus driver, does this go to London Bridge? He went, I don't know. What? He didn't know where it went. And then he turned around and said to the passengers, does this go to London Bridge? What's going on? I'd never known a bus driver not to know where to go.

Who is he, Sandra Bullock? Why is he taking over the bus? Lovely stuff. Yeah, a bit topical. A bit topical. So you've got to get a bus to the medical. Because where you live in East London, the transport links aren't great, are they?

It's a lot of buses. They are dog shit, man. Because I thought it was quite hard to get... There's no tube either, is there, really? No. No. I get the bus to the tube, but then you've got to get the bus to the tube. Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, so you've got quite a stressful day. That's my chance to write the quiz. What, on the bus? I've also got a haircut after the... And a haircut. I think you dropped the haircut out. Because this last leg starts again tomorrow. Yeah, you need it for the last leg.

Yeah, you look bad. Yeah, yeah, cheers, mate. You don't look bad, but you look... It's big. Shaggy. It's big. It's big. The hair's getting big.

Of course, you have got a stressful day, haven't you? Oh, but look at this. It's water off a duck's back to me now. Imagine what I'd have been like about two months ago. Yeah, you seem really relaxed about it all. When I told you this finishes at 2pm and you held your face for a bit. Well, why don't we segue? We'll end with sports, but why don't we segue into Glastonbury?

Yes. I'll open this up for you by saying yeah i've got a lovely picture for the quiz of alex turner as an 11 year old oh that's nice yeah that's good so that's that'd be a good question yeah so is that the segue yeah because i'm presumed you were going to let rip about your views on the arctic monkeys oh yeah i didn't really enjoy the arctic monkeys to be honest i found it a bit, you know, boring. Normal, not normal. The Arty Monkeys are normal, but he sings them not normal.

He sings all the songs like an alien's doing karaoke. I found, anyway. Yeah, Glastonbury. So let's talk about Glastonbury. I'm interested on your views on what the experience is like. I've got a little confession for you, Josh. Yeah. I lied to you. I knew you'd lied to me i know but i was lying to people because i didn't want to poo-poo anyone's time no which i thought was very good so me and lou got there friday five o'clock

after sports day so it was a bit of a long drive down anyway we got there at five o'clock we got our keys to our caravan yeah and i wouldn't say it's not a winnie bago type of no actor on set and you told us that it's very much sort of like a caravan from snatch would you say i haven't seen snatch in years but i can understand where you're going with it yeah and uh it felt like the kind of caravan that basically goes into a warehouse for the year and then comes out again for Glastonbury next year? I wouldn't be surprised if I'm in it next year, Rob. So we had the caravan. So me and Lou, we got there at five, went out for a few drinks.

We went and watched. Who did we go and see? We saw Foo Fighters. Too busy. What, the Foo Fighters? Yeah, for my taste. It was very busy, wasn't it? We went to see Foo Fighters.

Went for a few more drinks. We went and saw Arty Monkeys. Yeah. And then we stayed out for a few more drinks. And then at 1am, i tried to go to sleep and the caravan is next to a drum and bass tent that finishes at 6am and it was so loud it felt like i was djing no no it felt like i was a security guard that stands in front of the dj next to the speaker with their massive sort of ear defenders on that's

how loud it was yeah and there was also a lot of chatting going on. I was like, yeah, but a bit of it, you know, like sort of people emceeing or shouting along. And then, so it was sort of a wake all night, essentially, coming off the back of 4.30am, wake ups of children. Yeah. Oh my God. And I was laying there.

And then the curfew, there's a curfew at 6am, which seems pointless. I'm up for the day now. So the music, I would have had more respect if they just, there was no curfew, they seems pointless. I'm up for the day now. So the music... I would have had more respect if there was no curfew and they carried on. The music stops as the sun comes up and wherever you sleep,

two hots are sleeping. At that point, I would have been quite happy with some music. At 6am, I would have quite happily had a bit of drum and bass with a coffee. That would have been perfect. Anyway, so I was laying there in the caravan. Depressed? I wasn't depressed.

I was just tired, Josh. I was so tired. And I don't like drugs. Okay? No. Don't do drugs. Just say no. I don't really like massive groups of people.

Yeah. And I don't really like music I don't know. And I was just laying there thinking, what am I doing here? And I looked at my wonderful wife and I thought, you. You're why I'm here. Because you wanted to come. I know I didn't like it. I just can't shit on someone else's shit.

Oh, sorry. I thought that was like a phrase you were using about going along with Lou. don't want to sit on your toilet in a minute anyway i don't want to sit on your shit i'll go to the bathroom with you so i didn't want to poo poo it for her and all that because you really have to go that ball said the toilet situations are disgusting the long drops it's just piles of shit on top of shit and they give you a cup of sawdust i didn't know what that was for at one point because there's no toilet paper in there i nearly of sawdust. I didn't know what that was for. At one point, because there's no toilet paper in there, I nearly threw sawdust up my own arse. Like some sort of dirty hamster. So anyway, I just got really drunk.

Can I just say? Yeah, go on. For the listeners, and I'd include myself in the listeners, this has paid out exactly how we'd hoped. Well, I think you've done this on purpose. There's no listener at home that isn't punching the air going,

this is everything I tuned in for. Josh, you told me it would be brilliant, it would be great, right? And, you know... Did I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to say, just a heads up, there will be drum and bass being played till 6am every night. Yeah, I didn't know that.

Right. I don't know how you slept through that sober. I was just so tired because, Rob, I did 40,000 steps on day two. It's mental. 40,000 steps. Anyway, so we're laying there. And it's 1am. I've had a sort of good, oh, it's fun because it's a bit disappointing,

but I've sort of had a pretty good night. Seen your friends. You've had fun. I've had fun. I've seen a few people. And I've seen the Foo Fighters. I really enjoyed it. Yeah, I really enjoyed it. And then I needed a shit've seen the Foo Fighters. I really enjoyed and stuff. Yeah, really enjoyed.

And then I needed a shit just before the Foo Fighters. And that disturbed me. And it's just inhumane. I just don't like the Foo Fighters enough to shit on someone else's shit. Do you know what I mean? Anyway, so we're laying in the bed, not sleeping all night. And we've not slept much. Has Lou slept?

No, we're just laying there. She's trying to sleep. I'm like, what am I doing here? I'm like, her. But don't ruin her time. Yeah. She rolls over and turns to me. Rob, I went, yeah. She went, I've just had a look.

There's a room going Saturday night in Sower Farmhouse. Not Sower Farmhouse, Sower Babington House. Which is like an amazing hotel, 20 minutes down the road, swimming pool. And it's the hottest weekend of the year. I think you made the right decision. Yeah, I think I did too. And then I said, well, look, I don't mind. But deep down going, yes, please, can we go now?

If you must. I don't want to shit on your shit, Lou. Lou, I don't want to shit on your shit. If you want to, I don't mind. I don't want to shit on your shit, babe. Look, babe, I don't want to shit on your shit. There was a room available. And there hadn't been any available because it was basically literally,

when we got there, we spoke to them and said that it got cancelled like that afternoon. Yeah. So at 2am, 3am or something like that, middle of the night, we booked in a non-sleeping haze from a caravan on 4G. We booked a night in a hotel the next day. Oh, I bet you had a lovely night. Now, the difficulty for us is we've got to try and play our way out of this.

No, it's... I honestly... Oh, fucking hell. Oh, my God, what happened there? I nearly... Fucking hell. Oh, this fucking chair. Instagram. Oh, my God. It's gone. this about no it's honestly oh my god what happened there i nearly fucking out oh this fucking chair instagram this is great content rob what's going on the chair's got a thing that makes it go down my foot got trapped underneath it i nearly slapped my ankle this is terrible

that's karma that is karma i i don't think you know, I think this shows what a great considerate, not just husband, but friend you are, that you thought you were letting people down. You weren't letting people down. I know we weren't letting people down. However. I'll be honest with you, Rob. The less people that you have to keep track of at Glastonbury, the better.

Yes, exactly. So look, what I would say is in the past, I would have stood there sort of, if I was enjoying something, be angry at everyone. This is stupid. Why do people do that? And it's sort of like a mad sort of ego joke. Yeah, in the past, I would have stood there, sort of, if I was enjoying something, be angry at everyone. This is stupid. Why do people do that? And it's sort of like a mad sort of ego joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly. And even when I was at Arty Monkeys, and I just sort of stood there, I was like, there's loads of people. I'm having to do a lot of selfies. I'm absolutely knackered. And then that room came up and stuff like that. And I was just like, I get why people love it,

but it's just not my cup of tea, Josh. I know. And I think the opposite is the same thing. I get why people don't like it's just not my cup of tea josh i know and i think the opposite is the same thing i get why people don't like it yeah and if people don't like it that is fine the worst people are the people who love glastonbury and they won't fucking shut up about it oh i know they give back glastonbury a bad name because they make people hate glastonbury because people should be fine with whether you like or dislike glastonbury. It's because they're like, oh my God,

it's the most amazing place on earth. Yes, it is. If you like music and drugs and lots of people, it's great. I'm not into that. Yeah. Anyway,

so we woke up the next day and then we, we just told everyone that we had childcare issues. Yeah. It's a classic. And you knew. Oh,

because we had the gig at one o'clock. So we did the gig, which was great. Thanks to everyone who came. Apologies for the heat. Apologies for Ivo. It was so hot, Josh. And you get hotter than me.

I started taking the mickey out of you. Because as soon as you sat down at the start of a 45-minute set. Oh, my God. I was dripping. Sweat dripped from your chin. Yeah. It was awful. Immediately.

And then I was sweating from my chin about 10 minutes after. But it was brutally hot. Gig was all good. Anyway, we jumped in the car. Spoke to Dermot O'Leary. Spoke to Dermot O'Leary. Yep, of course. Then jumped in brutally hot. Gig was all good. Anyway, we jumped in the car. Spoke to Dermot O'Leary. Spoke to Dermot O'Leary. Yep, of course. Then jumped in the car,

drove 20 minutes and I was in a lovely hot shower and ran the pool. Oh my word. 40 minutes later. Oh my word. And it was breathtaking. Oh my word.

And that, Rob, is why this podcast works. And then we were there, me and Lou were going, well, maybe next year what we could do is we could like stay here and just get like a car in and out every day. And then I went, nah, probably just stay here. If you thought Arctic Monkeys was busy, Elton John, mate. I can't deal with that many people.

I might get anxious. I'm not going to name the person. Yeah. But someone who's been on this podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Was stood with us. And it was so difficult to go for a piss that she had to.

Oh, she? She had to put on a nappy that someone had brought and piss in the nappy. This is not something you'd associate with the greatest weekend of your life, is it? That would be some people's most awful story of all time. Not something you'd associate with the greatest weekend of your life, is it? That would be some people's most awful story of all time. When my friend said to her, I've got a nappy, I thought, you've got to be fucking kidding. This isn't happening, is it?

So could you not move for Elton then? I could, because I am, I'll be honest with you, if I went on Celebrity You Bet, Rob, when you're hosting it, I can get through any crowd. I am the king of getting through crowds at pace. You're good, you're nippy, you're hosting it yeah i can get through any crowd i am the king of getting through crowds at pace you're good you're nippy you're polite what you've got to understand yeah is no one wants you there so they want you to get past them as quickly as possible as well yeah and also if you just keep saying sorry no one's hearing you say everything just sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry bang bang. There's always space.

I'm quite good at that as well. Yeah. And I did well. But what I found weird was people didn't care about me getting through them to get nearer when I was trying to find Lou.

Yeah. But when I came back to get out, they were getting annoyed and I was like, I'm leaving. This is good news. How dare you? I'd say it all paid out how the audience hoped i should just update yeah didn't touch

any alcohol rob well done that's the headline from this and that's the thing though because you absolutely love music properly love music yeah oh i lost it at carly ray jepson you love music the way i love boxing or comedy and stuff like that that's my thing i don't love comedy you do love comedy but you don't... I don't love... No, no. I think music... You love music more than comedy.

Yeah, yeah. You'd rather see a band than a comic, where I'd rather see... I'd rather be in a band than be a comic, Rob. I wouldn't. I'm not splitting it four ways.

It's bad enough doing it with you two. I saw Rick Astley and Blossoms playing the hits of The Smiths for an hour. And I have to say, I've never been happier. I listened to that whilst lying by a pool at Babington House. Because they had it on the big telly. And I was like, that's the only thing.

I was like, oh, I missed that. That would have been nice. Anyway, sports day? Sports, no, there was a couple of other things from Glastonbury. I used to run past you. Okay. On the way back from Archie Monkeys, there was a man walking along in hiking boots, a leather waistcoat, cock out.

Not normal. Not normal. And is that okay at Glastonbury? It's not okay at Glastonbury. It's not okay anyway. Well, no, I don't know. I'm new to Glastonbury. I don't know if that's what the magic is.

It's still covered by the laws of Britain. Is it? Except drug-wise. Apart from Class A drugs, it's absolutely fine. Well, that's the thing that's confusing, because normally we can talk about it on here, but on the radio stations, everyone goes, oh my God, Glastonbury,

they don't actually give you the full story of what's going on. I think Glastonbury has a PR problem in that it's got to under-promise and over-deliver, because currently, I think it's the best weekend of my year. However, I'm not banding that around because it just highlights yeah you've got to be into it because when we drove in at one point when we drove into I don't know what corner we took we ended up in a campsite it looked like the Calais jungle I felt like Victoria Derbyshire going in for a live report on what was going on

it did not look like a place people were paying to stay. Everyone is absolutely in shock that you've managed to pull the words Victoria Derbyshire out. That is. Oh, I know. And then I saw, and maybe it's getting old, there was an 18-year-old girl who was absolutely battered, stood in the middle on her own. And me, Lou, and Lou's friend, Jada, went up to her.

She was all right. I went, hello, you all right? I went, don't panic. I'm with girls. Cause I didn't want to look like a pervert. And she looked like a fucking whip it in the wind. She was getting blown around, you know,

when someone's pissed. And we went, you're all right. She went, yeah. I was like, where are your friends? She went,

they're coming. And I went, all right. So as long as you're sure they're coming, yeah, maybe circle around in 20 minutes. I was like, what?

You're not okay or not. I'm not doing that. I'm not circling you. Like some sort oh anyway i think as well when you've got young kids to give up that many nights of babysitting with grandparents oh you've got to enjoy it you've got to enjoy it like it's josh i've got back into because it's sunny early they're waking up at 4 30 a.m that's mad i came home to my my mother, who looks good for her age. That afternoon, she looked like she was on her deathbed. She looked fucked. My mum looked like she'd been

rescued from somewhere. It looked like she'd been trapped down a well and got out. They've got her up since 4.30am and they don't stop my kids. So I can't put that pressure on the grandparents. Anyway, same time next year do you know what though i loved it on the telly yeah great on the telly i'd hate it on the telly

it would destroy me why because i need to be there the people with kids there the people with kids there oh my there was a girl walking along in these little flimsy sandals of her dad who was off his face and there's glass on the floor there's piss there's shit they're sick i'm like there's no piss and shit on the floor there is yeah there is yeah there's piss everywhere i pissed on the floor yeah because i couldn't get to the toilets you need a nappy mate i need a nappy do you need a good old nappy and and the other thing i think as a comic i just get annoyed people will clap at the end of a song whatever shit they do yeah that's frustrating. At one point, Josh, when I was getting a bit overwhelmed,

do you know what I was hoping for? Someone to start a fight with me so I could fight them and then get thrown out of the festival. No one's ever been thrown out, Rob. You can't get thrown out. I don't think anyone's ever been thrown out. Fair enough. It's not all the weather spoons on a Friday night.

The other thing I don't like is when everyone does their stupid little crab hands to find each other. Just fucking watch it on your own. I'd rather stand alone than fucking do my little crab claw in the air for a whole song trying to find someone from work. Crab claws. Everyone do the crab claws. Fuck off, you losers.

That's how I find someone I work with, doing the crab claws. But we won't go into that. Alex enjoying himself. Sorry, mate. But I see why it's not a bad weekend it's just not for me i can see why people like it it's like if you took me to disneyland i think different strokes for different folks exactly but your kids will love you for taking them to disneyland rather than hating you for taking them to glastonbury i wonder why because my daughter was like when can i go to glastonbury. I wonder why that, because my daughter was like, when can I go to Glastonbury? And I did think, what age?

Well, Will Briggs said he went when he was eight. Yeah. And he hated it, was terrified. Well, a man had his cock out, Josh. Yeah. So 10?

Yeah, about 10. About 10's fine, yeah. Can I suggest something here? Yeah. Elton John was better on the telly because he was too busy to watch it live. Would that be something that you'd...

No, it was the best, it was the best two hours of my life. When your friend pissed herself next to you? Well, that added to it. For me, watching my friend put on a nappy and piss would detract... I didn't watch. I'm not a pervert. No, but you could hear it. You know what's going on. You can't hear it. It's muffled.

Mate, I'm watching someone put on a nappy and piss in it if they're doing it near me. Aren't you? If I'm stood next to you, Josh, and you get given a nappy. Yeah. Yeah, but she was a woman. If it had been a man,

if it had been Ivo Graham. Mate, it's either equality or not equality. You know? That's the way I'm looking at it, right? I am a feminist to the core. You, I want to watch it. If I'm pissing in a nappy

and people are watching, I'm watching women piss in a nappy. Okay? Okay. Okay. Is that fair? Yeah, I'm watching women piss in a nappy, okay? Okay, okay. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. I am a feminist because Caitlin Moran made me stand up on a pew at Union Chapel and scream, I'm a feminist. When?

When I went and watched her live book show. Oh, with Lou. What do you think? Have a little think to yourself. You've heard what I'm like, what the things I sacrifice. You're a good man, Rob. I'm a good guy. The weird thing with the Caitlin Moran show was halfway through,

you found a hotel across the road, didn't you? And just went and lay. I found a working men's club just to go and fucking sit in there and slag off women for a bit. Anyway, talk to me about sports day. I can't believe we haven't covered that you went to watch Caitlin Moran at Union Chapel. No, I can't. She was good, actually.

She was very funny. And she's a brilliant writer. Yeah, she is good. She is very good. Yeah, that was an interesting night. But, you know, me and Lou have done plenty of great things together. Yeah? Hashbrown?

Hashbrown. We've hashbrowned. I'm trying to think what other things Lou's taken me to. Carmen. Yeah, I spoke to you about Carmen at Trafalgar Square, didn't I? Yeah. But mine and my ex-girlfriend's made me go and watch dance at Sadler's World. But then my

kids love all this shit, so I'm going to have to do it anyway. So I'm just getting in early doors. Oh, Rob, life's tough. Sports Day. Let's talk about Sports Day. Yeah. Go on. Should I tell you about Reception Sports Day in East London, and then you can tell me about Sports Day in Kent? Yes, you can. Go for it. Okay.

No winners. Pardon pardon everyone's just taking part enjoying themselves rob this has got to stop i knew it would wind you up no winners no well there was to each race there was to each race my daughter for the week leading up made it very clear to me that it's all about having fun yeah it's not about being competitive and maybe you'll win maybe you won't win yeah Yeah. No, I agree with that. I disagree totally with you have to win. However, we all must accept there will be winners and losers. And it's being okay with that.

How do you feel about this, Rob? Go on. She stopped on the line to cross with her friend. Do you know what? I respect her, but I think she needs a couple of life lessons. Because, you know, I'm a good guy, Josh. You're a good guy. But we have got, you know i'm a good guy josh you're a good guy but we have got you know turbo mobile and we need it when you you know your back's against the wall yeah so when you say there's no winner so if she had crossed that line first would she have been the winner

of the race i'll tell you what it was each race yeah because it's reception it wasn't the main sports day it was just a reception one each race obviously there was winners that was clear one of the kids is so fast it was hilarious she was so fast you were like we need to get her in some kind of program yeah project and baffo yeah she was so far so each race obviously but there was three teams and then at the end there was no team that won whereas the higher years there's a team that wins. So what they do at our school is there's winners of each race. And at the end, they add all the scores up. And then one of the colors wins.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's what they do from years one to six, but not reception. Yeah. They do reception with nursery. Oh, I think that's fine then.

But yeah, as long as the people are winning the races, but I like, I like the lack of competition, Rob. Josh, fuck you. You're talking shit.

You're on the podcast charts 24 seven before we went to Spotify and we're out the charts. You message me daily about where you were. You were obsessed with it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I don't want my daughter's brain to go the same way. Yes, but it's an illness yes but you know what you can't shield her from winners and losers you have to accept

there are in a way to deal with it not can't shield her from bloody winners she lives with me am i right see i don't think that's the right attitude, Josh. But yeah, so my daughter's house colour, form, I don't even know what it's called. They won overall. But my kid's done pretty well in it. You know, my youngest who won everything in reception. Yeah.

Obviously, it's more competition now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it wasn't a clean sweep for her. She sort of, she came second. It's like going from the Commonwealth Games to the Olympics.lympics yeah yeah but she got she came second in the second's great in the sprint and my eldest as well just really weird because i've sort of i've spoken about it on here was like she's not that sort of as sporty or as like on it but in the last year something's changed she is like so determined and so she came second in near enough everything as well and won a couple of her own races but they do like loads of different games as well which are like throwing a beanbag in the

in a hole yeah my daughter is yeah i think i might have to buy darts board rob right so she got maximum marks on throwing the beanbag she got four out of four so your daughter's like you isn't she my youngest is like me my youngest does everything 100 miles an hour that's why she's good at sprinting she just she threw this beanbag so far and wide away from the target it was zero i've never seen zero technique before just like that just like it was like she was throwing like trying like chucking water over a fire just anywhere just where it goes like that so it's funny you sort of see their characters and yeah i even notice as well like the lads i play football with yeah some of their kids do sport the way they play sport i think you play sport in the way that your personality is yeah i think so you can see it in

the way they operate in the way they do things it's really interesting so it was really fun to watch and someone did come up to me and say, oh, we're not those parents that you mentioned on the podcast last year that took it too seriously. Yeah. And had loads of colors up and stuff like that. And I was like, all right. They were the ones.

We saw them too. We saw them too last year. Yeah. It's mad, isn't it? And I was like, yeah. Yeah.

And I was looking, I think it was you. So now this is all because i've set it up for next year now she'll probably mention it again but how are you on the touchline very complimentary thumbs up like when get their eye line and thumbs up like that and um i was like i was going well done well done thumbs up like whatever they did just well done as long as they tried the best and then one pair went to be a oh what happened where'd they finish i was like i don't know i just always say thumbs up well done done. I don't know.

Whatever, whether they've lost or won, well done. But yeah, I'm not shouting and stuff like that, but you do get a bit, you just want to see your kids

do well and enjoy it, but they loved it. It's a feel good day. I absolutely loved it. I didn't used to like sports day as a kid. I liked it at primary because I used to boss

the dressing up race, mate, but secondary, no thanks right so my my daughter though sack race my daughter um well her hat blew up the killer for a performance in sports day is the summer hat right because what happens it is when they're running or jumping or this windy the hat flies off yeah yeah my daughter was in a sack race the hat flew off she went down to pick up the hat and then was trying to do the sack with one hand oh I was like forget the hat flies off yeah yeah my daughter was in a sack race the hat flew off she leant down to pick up the hat and then was trying to do the sack with one hand oh i was like forget the hat forget the hat right off the fucking hat mate you're not indiana jones burn your scalp burn your scalp and

win the fucking race it's a great day it's a great day oh i loved it but i do think it's good to it's good to show them uh when they you know like you know if you, if you win, you lose. It doesn't really matter. You learn a lot more from losing than you do from winning anyway. Yeah. Oh, I forgot to say the parents race. There's a parents race? Yeah. Go on.

I thought there was a mum's race. Yeah. And a dad's race. Not in East London. By the time, exactly, by the time I'd positioned my camera for the mum's race, I realised there was dads in it and it started and I'd missed the parents race oh so you weren't in it I wasn't in it

what do you reckon your chances are any standouts well I'm glad I wasn't in it because I would have lost to Rose because Rose came second but first woman oh so it was mums and dads

that were parents she came second yeah it's right pocket rocket Rose she came second she fucking went for it did she yeah she fucking went for it mate

she smashed it after Glastonbury she smashed it after Glastonbury charged up on Strongbow yeah She came second. She fucking went for it. Did she? Yeah, she fucking went for it, mate. She smashed it after Glastonbury. She smashed it after Glastonbury. Charged up on a strong bow. Yeah. So there we go. I'll be in the parents race next year. Yes.

I want to hear about it. They just don't do one because people always get injured, they said. But next year, next year, I've got to do a full day. What do you mean? Because my daughter's moving up. So they separated reception one and two. Yeah. And it's like 10 a.m. till half 11.

And then from 1.30 to like 3 o'clock is the 3, 4, 5, 6. Yeah, because there was a lot of parents there. They'd just done another sports day last week. Yeah, so it's an all-dayer. I'm going to have to go get lunch and go back in. Bloody hell, mate. Double shift. But I'm looking forward to it. I love it.

Exciting. It's great. It's brilliant. It's good stuff. Right, let's do a couple of bits of correspondence. A couple of bits of correspondence. Do you want a traumatic boomer story? Yeah.

Is there any other kind? Hey, hey, Rob and Josh. I thought I might show you a very traumatic boomer parent story. I'm one of four siblings, and when we were younger, naturally the house would be a mess of toys. Our mum kept threatening that if we didn't tidy our mess up properly, then she would burn all our toys. Oh no.

Oh my god. One day she decided enough was enough. This is what happens when you have four kids and you just lose the plot. She went round the whole house

collecting all of our favourite possessions. She put them in a pile in the middle of our bedroom made us all stand outside lit a match and threw it into the room Fuck off.

behind the door and shut the door so he couldn't see them go up in flames we obviously stopped crying at the harrowing experience after about five minutes she opened the door to show us she had actually blown the match out before throwing it in oh pen and teller here we bloody go lovely stuff it worked for about a week as we were tidy but of course all that went out the window then i'm sure a new threat was invented only having kids myself now i slightly understand the frustration but not the psychopathic boomer method love the podcast i tell all my friends to listen from shenaid from daggingham then romford then wickford could you know what i think you got off lightly there because some of the stories we're

getting there would have just set their bedroom on fire yeah yeah i'd say that isn't as traumatic as it could have been no that's the thing. You can't make threats about following in on them, can you? No. No. You can't set fire to toys in a bedroom. You can't set fire. Here we go. Rob.

Yeah. I've just got panicked that my picture round's not good enough. That's not like you, is it? Being anxious about something that means nothing? I'd say, Rob, these days, mate. I'm going to send you my picture round. Can you just tell me if it's good enough? Right, okay.

Is this good for podcasting? I think it is good podcasting. We could put it on our Instagram. As long as you make sure we put it on Instagram, because we're getting lax with some of the stuff. I think there's pictures. Yeah, yeah. This will go on Instagram.

This picture round can go on Instagram. So, who are these people, Rob? Okay, Nolan Liam Gallagher, top left. Yeah. That person with the blonde hair. I don't know. It could be Jamie Oliver but looks too old.

Is that Kim Kardashian in the white? Do you know what? I think it is bad radio. I do apologise. Let's move on. Wayne Rooney.

Yes. Gareth Southgate. Yes. Stormzy. Yes. Mick Jagger. No that's Kylie Minogue.

Kylie Minogue. I thought that was Mick Jagger. Yeah, that is terrible, podcasting. Yeah, sorry. Do apologise. Read out another bit of correspondence so we can cut it. Okay, yeah.

No worries, mate. Good to have you here. You're really helping me out. Falsely being to some terrible radio, they're making me do another correspondence. I'll read out one. No, no, no. Hi, Rob and Josh.

I've got a boomer story for you from my childhood. My mum was a bit laissez-faire with my sister and me with regards to school. She was of the opinion that if you had to be forced to work hard at school, then this wouldn't serve you well later in life. Better to leave us to it and figure out life ourselves. This meant my sister and I could skip school if we fancied it. In all fairness, we never took the biscuit with this. What's that mean?

Took the biscuit is like pushing your luck with it. All right. We never took the biscuit with this. What's that mean? Took the biscuit is like pushing your luck with it. All right, we never took the biscuit with this and probably only took a day off each term. However, there was one rule. Don't tell Dad. Oh, that's always good to keep secrets in the family. Yeah. One day, we decided to take off.

Dad unexpectedly came home early. We saw his car pull up in the drive. Mum screamed for us to hide upstairs. No. We thought he must have forgotten something. Mum screamed for us to hide upstairs. No. We thought he must have forgotten something and would be returning to work shortly. Wrong. Turned out he had the whole day off.

When the coast was clear, Mum sneaked us up with food rations and with strict instructions not to make any noise. And if we heard a loud cough that was a signal to hide under the bed because Dad was coming upstairs. This is fucking brilliant. This does feel like something I'd do and Lou would get the answer. Safe to coming upstairs this is fucking brilliant this does

feel like something i'd do and lou would get the safe to say that this was the longest day of our lives when it came to close to 3 30 the time we'd normally arrive home mom came up to tell us to get our school uniform on and sneak outside and ring the doorbell this is mental this is mad and so we did and spent the evening talking a suspicious amount about how great school was to poor dad i don't think he's done any damage to my sister and me. We're both professionals working healthcare and education, ironically. Absolutely love your podcast. It's my little slice of home that I look forward to each week.

Lily, mum to Beatrix, Killian, living in upstate NY. Originally from Birmingham. Ooh, love it. Do you know what, though? That just made me realise, when Lou goes away for the weekend, the hardest bit for me is Friday or Monday morning. Yeah. I'm just not going to send him in.

Just do that, Rob. Lou does listen to the podcast, though. But I find it easier and more fun having him at home. There you go. And sending him in when it's just like, on a Monday morning, I'll wear the uniforms. Fuck it. Let's just have a day off.

Exactly. Exactly, Rob. It's been a pleasure. Probably get some hate for that but you know what fuck it you danced your own beat sling it at me yeah yeah big time um until i get let from the school and then find but yeah until then i'll be dancing baby hi rob and josh i was wondering if you give my small business a shout out i listen to your podcast all the time even though i'm 24 have no children and don't plan on having any in the near future my business is paw prints p-a-w-a dog walking and pet services business we offer group

walks for our sociable dogs or one-to-one walks for dogs that need an extra bit of care and attention or just simply prefer to be on their own we cover a wide range of areas including westerham oxford edenbridge dutton green bromley west wickham hayes bromley common do you know all those yeah i'd say bromley and bromley common would cover the the same area hayes kent that's different from hayes beck theatre isn't it because that's in west london yes very different yes absolutely yes yes yes you would not want to get that confused not at all okay all surrounding areas socials facebook at paw prints instagram at pawprints underscore pet services underscore. Thank you.

Carly from Bromley. Here we go. I've got a stiff neck one for you. Stiff neck business. Hey guys. Listened since beginning and I've just been to your MEN AO arena tour in Manchester and loved it. Too bloody right. I would love it if you could give me a small biz shout out.

Go on then. I started my own bookkeeping business in August 2021. Nerd! Hey, Boyne Dexter! That's me. Yeah. I started my own bookkeeping business in August 2021 on maternity leave with my youngest. I was determined not to go back to work 12 hour days as a nursery manager.

And just so happens I'm one of those cool people who loves maths. So I studied and created Kingswood Bookkeeping. I focus on supporting small business owners with all their accounting needs so that their tax bill doesn't surprise them. I work on tax returns, VAT returns, monthly upkeep, report making, and getting them on accounting software so it's super easy and manageable check me out on facebook kingswood bookkeeping or visit my website www.do you need that still i don't know why i say it kingswoodbookkeeping.co.uk

our first meeting is always free keep it sexy and relatable, Bex. Good luck with that, Bex. Obviously, I was only joking about the nerd stuff. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening. Good luck writing your quiz. Thanks, mate.

I'll let you know how it goes. And good riding on the bus. See you on Friday. Night.