Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP55: Hook a suck

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

**TRIGGER WARNING** This episode contains some chat about Father Christmas!! (Not suitable for young ears) More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening Okay, Avery, can you say Rob? Yeah. Go on then. Rob.

Beckett. Rob Beckett. Good girl. And Josh. Josh. Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe.

Is that funny? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They always have a little bit of a beat where they go, oh, Widdicombe, that's quite hard, actually. The little excitement I have, Rob, is obviously I can see the sound thing coming up, so I know that there's a lot more. I'm like, where's this going?

Oh, is that what they mean, those lines at the bottom? Yeah. They're like, the sound. All right. You know, I'm into my music. who was that josh avery avery i've not heard the name avery before it's avery hill near where i grew up but avery is where you keep birds correct this is a v e r y i know how's she spelling avery a v e r i e avery i had my daughter in October 2021 and have been listening to your podcast daily

on my drives to and from work, straight nursery drop-off, et cetera, in the last six months. Currently at the end of season two. And now listening at the first episode after Josh had his little boy. But I don't want to skip any and miss out on any comedy gold

or great parenting tips. The tips have really dropped off a cliff, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah it's just survival now we get into stage drink your own piss some people do that for health benefits isn't that weird people are disgusting my daughter was a very late walker only just confident but her speech has been good from the beginning and here she's hilarious we're very proud of her hannah parker love the podcast i wouldn't worry hannah when you get this in three years and you're very proud of her hannah parker love the podcast i wouldn't worry hannah when you get this in three years and you're very pleased yeah don't give a shit about when your child does

anything because they'll get to do them eventually it'll all be fine yeah i remember really caring and also it's hard not to be proud if they walk early as if it means anything or you've done anything it's ultimately pointless and meaningless however at the time life is ultimately pointless and meaningless and the beauty of this is avery's mum will listen to this in three years when she already agrees with us yeah now if she listened might be a bit prickly about this because she's very excited about her child's excellent speech yeah but ultimately they all wipe their ass at one point they all speak at one point and they'll walk at one point in and they'll walk at one point. In the main, obviously there are exceptions. Yeah.

Anyway, Josh, do you want to know where the name Avery comes from? Yes. It's a gender neutral name of Old English origins, meaning elf council. Oh, the old elf council. It's ideal for anyone looking for a whimsical baby name. There you go. A bit whimsy there.

A few comedians. Isn't the elf council the NHS, Rob? Am I right? I don't know what that means. Is that satire? Sorry, are you in a bit whimsy there a few comedians isn't the elf council the nhs rob i'm all right i don't know what that means is that satire so are you in a last leg frame of mind sorry health health oh elf health okay right actually pretty good actually yeah thank you very much cheers yeah yeah but what i'd say is you know what that needs it would be like isn't it what you call or what danny dyer call you need yeah yeah yeah i'd tell you isn't that what you call the nhs elf yeah yeah do you know what actually after the um two of us explaining it to each other it's really hit some form make that funny in the edit Michael thank you very much I'm not a magician

the elf council we're judging that yeah anyway how how are you Josh I've got loads to talk about well we spent some time together this week rob we have haven't we we should we talk about spending some time together well should we lead into that because i think if you're going chronological before we spend time together i went to a ballet show oh yeah that my daughter was in that was the sunday and then we went to do the gig sunday night yeah i've got to get this off my chest actually josh yeah so my daughter does ballet it goes to a ballet class okay a little ballet club whatever you call it and uh it's all just dressing up and they just hop about a bit you know i mean that you know it's fine older or younger younger she's uh the five-year-old so it's her first year

of school but she just sort of does it because everyone else does it whatever anyway so they said like oh uh there's a big ballet show for all the children that go to the ballet club there's a big ballet show um so come watch the ballet show and i just assumed it would be like i've never heard the word ballet so many times in a minute well you should have sat there and watched it mate i'd rather hear it than seen it so i was assuming because it was like sunday well because she does it in the week the thing was like sunday morning i thought oh maybe they're just going to get him in and you see him do 20 minutes or whatever they do. Normally, when they're young, you just go to the last club of the season

of whatever it is, and you watch the 10 minutes at the end, and then you pick them up and take them home. Anyway, I didn't realise it was a 90-minute production of Beauty and the Beast. She wasn't on stage the whole time. Right, mate. So it was ages from like five up to like year four or six. But then there were like five teenage girls.

It's just fine. But I don't really want a 15-year-old to do ballet for an hour and a half. You know what I mean? I've seen ballet. I've gone to like actual. I've met Carlos Acosta. I don't even want to watch him do ballet. And he's well good at it. No, I don't know who he is. Yeah, i don't know he is yeah i don't know he's the best he's one of the

best colors cost actually really inspiring story i've been on tv the only reason i know any of that is because i sat next to him on jonathan ross and had to listen about it anyway so lou goes we've got this thing anyway we drive to this hall somewhere to go and sit down it's a 90 minute production i sit down like what's going on here went, oh, it's not just our daughter. It's lots of age groups, okay? Yeah, fine. Lou then tells me, on top of what we paid for to go to this ballet club thing, it's £12.50 a ticket, Josh.

£12.50 a ticket, £8 for my seven-year-old to come, and we had to pay 40 quid for her to be in the fucking show. Oh, my word. Right? So, mate, my first tour was 12 quid. This is more expensive expensive and i had to drive to fucking lincoln and we're all in there because we want to see our kid no one's i'm not into ballet my kid goes ballet because i need my kid to do more things during the week yeah as a

family we do not have a love for ballet that we want to spend an hour and a half watching it on a sunday right that's that's where i'm coming from anyway so we sit down like okay well whatever and i thought you know what maybe this might be great because i'll have like could i just say on the tickets rob yes i went to my daughter's the same morning i went to my daughter's yeah show thing she's just like a performing arts club yeah yeah let's face it none of us know what the fuck they do it just it's somewhere to go after school for an hour or something do you know what i loved it obviously yeah because we're different, Rob No, but how long was it?

Well, I'll just talk about the tickets And then when you've finished your anecdote I'll tell you about how much I watched of it But we bought our tickets They had the fucking QR codes Who the fuck is touting? Show kids Leighton I bought a ticket and I didn't want to go

They were scanning our QR codes on the way in. Like I was fucking going in to watch Blur at Wembley Stadium. To be fair, it's my fault because I didn't really realise what I was signing up to. But I've got to go because my daughter's there. It's that fucking Ponzi scheme because I'm like, you know I have to buy a ticket or my daughter will hate me. This is unfair. And there's like six grown-ups, like teenagers. There was at one point a woman, a grown woman came out and danced a solo.

An actual adult. Seems like you're getting your ticket money's worth. No, but I don't want to watch ballet, Josh. I just want to see my daughter. You've got some good ballet on a Sunday morning for just £12. It was good ballet. You go to the Royal Ballet, Rob. You're looking at more than £12.50. Yeah, I know. They were very good at ballet, Josh. But I don't want to watch an hour. It was good ballet. You go to the Royal Ballet, Rob, you're looking at more than £12.50.

Yeah, I know. They weren't very good at ballet, Josh. But I don't want to watch an hour and a half of ballet. I'm there to watch my child. We can watch her at home, Rob. I sit down. Josh, listen to this. I did not see my child.

Guess how long I waited. 50 minutes. 5-0? 5-0 until I saw my child. Right? Oh, my God. It was a 90-minute show. Do you know how long she was on for?

How long? Two minutes, 48 seconds, and then gone. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That is not okay. I get that a five-year-old can't fill an hour and a half of... But I'd rather pay 20 quid for two minutes, 48. Time is money. I'd rather it be more expensive

and I just watch my daughter for three minutes and leave. That's all I want. Also, they've all got their hair scraped back. Yeah. So I didn't know which one was mine. What do you mean? You recognise the faces, Rob. They're all in the same clothes.

I recognise, basically it was a lottery between the three blonde girls that was on the stage at that point. On the WhatsApp groups, people were saying, I'm sorry, I filmed the wrong child. Has anyone got any footage of the dance? Because I haven't got any. Because at least when there's like the adult people doing their solos and not one solo they had about four or five solos each get the five-year-olds out to just sort of wave in the background or something do you mean like

i've not got time for it was there not a break no 90 minutes 19 minutes straight through josh i've watched swan lake right bullshit i have for robin romesh i've watched swan lake be performed in front of 2 000 people by a royal ballet company right yeah and even i thought that was shit i haven't got a chance have i a school so i bet you got your tickets free then didn't you yeah i did actually yeah so maybe it has worked its way around but then what happened was as my daughter come out for two minutes on the nose, after she'd been out, my seven-year-old would be going, I need a toilet, I need a toilet. Took her to the toilet.

Your seven-year-old was there to watch? Yeah, she had to watch it. She must have been bored out of it. Eight quid to watch that. She needed a toilet. Took her out to the toilet, come back. My other daughter had been on for 48 seconds, missed it. Amazing.

Absolutely amazing. All I'm saying saying is the production was great and if you've got older children that are involved in it but it's unacceptable i think to put the five-year-olds because also 80 of that room was there for the five-year-olds yeah there's hundreds of these little kids and i just felt a bit like come on here just be clear with what you're doing you need to have a shorter show do a 45 minute one for the young kids and then a 45 minute one because i'd still i know they've got to get the money in to keep it going but if you were honest and said look it's 12 pound 50 a ticket to come and see a 45 minute show of the younger girls however that ticket you can stay with your daughter no one's staying no one's staying yeah but they've got the money anyway it was just too much josh it was too much my daughter enjoyed it but i was just like this is a fucking joke this surely well amazing that i was at the other end of a lot of london

a similar thing but we crucially rob had a running order right so we knew exactly when she was on exactly no running order also because if you saw the running order i Right. So we knew exactly when she was on. Exactly. No running order. Also, because if you saw the running order, I was sat there going, I can't believe I'm watching a 90 minute performance of Beauty and the Beast Ballet. She did more. I'd say it was a 40 minute show.

Yeah. I'd say she was on for a quarter of it. But it cost us about a hundred quid. No, that's what I mean. Very positive. My response to that is. Very pleased with it. Exactly. How long was the show, did you say?

About 40 minutes. Perfect. Perfect. Sunday morning, 40 minutes. Also, she was on second up, two scenes and a song. Yeah. Or scene and two songs, maybe. Yeah.

And then, my son's two, Rob. He didn't want to be in there. Me and him both. But I could leave just to watch him run around the rest of the venue. Oh, yes. You can get out. Because I knew that she wasn't going to be in there. Me and him both. But I could leave just to watch him run around the rest of the venue. Oh, yes, you can get out. Because I knew that she wasn't going to come back on. Exactly. That's what we should have been told.

But I think they want you to sit there and watch. You can't force people into liking ballet. I'm just there to see my daughter do a bit. You've got to split it up. I had a lovely morning. Really enjoyed it. £40 to be in it as well is a bit much, isn't it? I mean, talk about, like, oh, why aren't there more people from, you know,

underprivileged backgrounds in ballet? Because it costs £100 to be in it as well as a bit much in it i mean to talk about like oh why aren't there more people from you know underprivileged backgrounds in ballet because it costs 100 quid to be in it it's mad anyway lou's gonna tell me off for moaning because she's got to pick up from dance next week moaning moaning is an understatement moaning it's so difficult to do this podcast now because i forget people listen yeah so i hope the listeners you you know i'm taking bullets here at the school gates because i am i am yeah i'm telling it as it is and it does make my life more difficult but all right i didn't realize we're on lbc we will be one day mate well mick lamborghini yeah anyway so that that's what was up to uh a couple of other things yeah lou plays rain sounds

when she goes to sleep and it just keeps making me go for a piss non-stop i don't know if i mentioned that what in the night yeah i mean i'm on four pisses a night maybe watch keeps telling me oh my god it's not ideal can't lou put them in the headphones well that is a i've got enough problems with headphones with work colleagues never mind taking that back home to the bedroom oh come on now we don't need We don't need that. What happened before the start of this record? My new headphones that I bought from Amazon. How much for?

Eight pounds. You tight bastard. You tight what? Rob, after the last 15 minutes, don't give me tight bastard. What else have you got to tell me about parenting? On the school, I was driving home from school the other day. There was, because, you know, the bushes are getting quite big now. In the summer, bushes get really big.

So, like, country lanes or whenever there's a bush, it's sort of when there's rain and the sun, it just gets really big. The country squire. No, but this wasn't even the country. This was just in Bromley. Fucking toad of Toad Hall. As I was driving down this road, there was this bush that got massive, and there was a cyclist coming down.

He could only, obviously, he's got a tiny little bit of road because the cars are bigger which i don't think cyclists are aware of do you know what i mean dog taking up so much road yeah he's physically bigger i can't make it smaller like your little one um anyway he was driving along and then he was annoyed with people sort of being near him but i couldn't be any like that was it that was just what the road was like but cycling leaves kept on slapping him in the face. And it was so funny. And he's shouting. I don't know if it was at me, because I was stationary at this point.

It's hard to be angry with a car that's stationary. And he went, just fuck off out my face, you little wanker. And I cracked up. But I think he was talking to the bush. Yeah. Yeah. You know, when they did the cycle lane, I don't think they took into account the first week of July

after heavy rainfall and great sun, that it was going to be a little bush-sapping cyclist. He lost his marble. Oh, Jesus Christ. Bit of fun. Bit of fun. I've got, it's our school fate tomorrow rob yeah we haven't got a school fate really that sort of feels like an old school thing school so put my name down yeah for a stall you know me rob you love getting involved i love getting involved oh by the way i've uh i'm no longer class rep oh

my tenure is over. Oh, well done. Very happy with that. Well done. I messaged that it's been an honour and a privilege to serve. And it's just time that my time came to an end. And then I said, them's the breaks. Nice.

Like Boris said when he resigned. Oh, really good. I didn't know if that was the right thing to do, because I didn't know if anyone just thought that I was really into Boris. Or I thought it was quite funny. I don't think anyone thinks I'm well into Boris. No, I didn't know if anyone just thought that I was really into Boris. Or I thought it was quite funny. I don't think anyone thinks I'm really into Boris. No, no,

I don't think that's, no, there's no worries about that. Yeah. I don't even know what the parents think of me. That was strange. That was a strange inner monologue coming out, wasn't it?

How do you think your reign went? Do you think you'll go down as a great, or do you think you'll go down as a bad one, or do you think you'll go down as another one? So you think you'll go down as a bad one or do you think go down as another one so you're going to go down as churchill yeah truss yeah or john major do you know what i don't think i'll go down like truss it wasn't that bad i would say my forwarding of whatsapps from the pta group to the class group was faultless right that was That was on it. Boom. Barely a second. However, any sort of thing that was proactive didn't get involved.

So you were kind of forgettable but solid. So you're John Major. Yeah, even maybe a Gordon Brown. Yeah. Had it all in his hands and it just sort of melted away. Do you know what? I'm so proactive. I did the quiz as well.

Update on the quiz. I was stressed about the quiz, wasn't you? Man, it was because I had to write the quiz throughout the day. The whole day. So much. It's mental. I was writing quiz while I was having my health check-up, my hair cut. Oh, how is your

health? Well, they haven't got back to me, so I presume I'm fine. Yeah. Or they need a second opinion. We're going to have to have a couple of Zooms. I've still got a bruise from the blood. Can see that did he suck it out what's he done he went really fast did i tell you about a time where i went for a medical for like some tv filming thing and it's like yeah if you could just and he sort of did my height my weight and stuff like that and then he was like yeah um yeah and if you could um just um pop your trousers and pants off and he sort of did that thing like then he touched your and coughed. I don't know if that's a real thing anymore.

No, he didn't. He did. I just saw that. A medical for a league of their own? That's not real. Isn't that just something from the army where they just hold your balls and make you cough? What do you mean?

He held your balls? Yeah, he held my balls. He held my balls. You just did it. No. No. And then also, as well, what he did was he said, well, first of all, take your top off so he

could do like the listening on my chest and you know that oh here we go completely nude did you put your top back on or did you because anyone now drop me and i was like then you would take your pants and the shorts down i was like oh and i was like feels like i'm completely nude now doesn't't it? Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't mind that a doctor's half on, half off. I am completely nude now. Did you step out

or was it around your ankles? Around my ankles. And then he sort of did that thing, he was like, right, hands out, cough. I was like,

no, no. I've only ever seen that in army film. That doesn't happen. I know. That's never happened to an adult. And then he's sort of like

normally the doctor at media goes right get one they wouldn't make you take they'd go

right can you put your top back on right we're going to do this normally they'd go right

get yourself dressed or whatever yeah and he sort of didn't he just I was just

stood there he started just like writing out stuff like writing up the report and I just

stood there like completely nude no socks on and then I put in a

complaint about it. Why have you taken your socks off? Is it because they're in your toes as well? No socks are on. They stayed on. But then I put in a complaint about it because it did feel weird. And then I just said, mate, you've made me get undressed completely. This is ridiculous.

At least let me put my top back on before you start grabbing my balls. And then I put my shorts back on and top and then went, and then I put a complaint against him. But I think that might have been that is weird don't feel right does it um yeah so i don't know how we got onto that doctors yeah did your doctor make you do that no i was writing quiz at the same time quiz went well thank god oh dear it was stressful it was quite stressful but it was fine and then um i put my name down for stalls yeah well is this the doctor still no this is for the fate all right i think medical stalls

yeah i'll give you a couple of them can i put my name down to give you some stalls no no it's fine sir we don't need to don't need to do that no no i've got one bro you got a little cup um so what stalls are you doing at the fight well this oh no i've been given hooker duck hooker duck all right yeah that's good i think you'll be good at hooker duck yeah so they published stools yes parents network were like here you go here's the stools pop that on the group so i popped it on the group i thought you should just be called the pta but that feels like they're called rebranding these schools slightly yeah i think the pta's got a bad name has it parents teacher association is that like yeah it's just a bit uncool isn't it it's a bit like oh it's a bit naff yeah but it feels like it's an apprentice

challenge all these new names, like The Network. Yeah, and wasn't there something called something else? Like, anyway, neither here nor there. It's basically all the fucking people, the busybodies. Yeah, busybodies, like me. Yeah. All right, if someone's 24 hours out of it, something you're fucking throwing rocks at it.

I'm like the Dean Dorries just going at the Tories. Fucking nerds. Trying to improve the life of your kids at school, are you? You fucking creeps. Anyway, so, go on. Anyway, I got a hooker duck. Hooker duck. So I put the list of who's doing stools on the year group.

Yep. What's that? And then below it, I wrote, so I'm doing hooker duck from 1 till 2.15. Oh, no, 1.30 till 2.15. Fair enough. 45 minutes. I get the distinct impression Rose thinks I've signed up to a stall so that I don't have to look after our son.

Yeah, you can't really take a two-year-old and hook a duck. That's quite a nice little 45 minutes. Can you not extend it? Yeah, well, maybe I could. Well, we'll see how it goes. Anyway, below it, I wrote the message, absolutely buzzing to do hook a suck. On purpose? And then I thought, no, Rob'll say your axe changed hook or suck oh no to all the parents

to all the parents because you know what that looks like when the comedian sends that they're like he's having a bit of fun isn't he he? I know. He's a little bit fruity, this guy. But duck with six exclamation marks, and then the words, oh, no. Yeah, okay, that's a good save. Nothing. Completely ignored. Yeah, apart from Rose, who put, you've had a shocker. But that's Rose. And she's only saying that to try and help, because no one's replied.

Yeah, no one replied, Rob. Maybe they'll hate you. I don't think they do all hate me, Rob. Don't get that. Imagine if you went, yeah,'t think they do all hate me, Rob. Joking. Imagine if you went, yeah, I think that too. Yeah, I'd worry about that. Honestly, Rob, hook or suck, I panicked so much. And I thought, what a game though. What a game.

I'd have a go on that. Just think of what the money you'd raise. Imagine going to a school fight. I tell you what, if there was hook or suck at the end of all of my ballet. When I did that, I thought, well, that's the least funny. I run around the playground, and if they hook me, I'm to suck them off. Big like shepherd hooks around your neck. I'd watch that and play it.

I don't know if I'd want to play it, actually. I think I'd watch someone play it. I tell you who'd play it, your doctor would absolutely love to play it, mate. He's not my doctor. He's not my GP, I'll tell you that. He's not a doctor, I'll tell you that. That's exciting. Let us know how it goes, Josh.

Yeah, I've got quite a weird weekend, actually. Not in a Louis Theroux way. I'm doing Hooker Suck on Saturday morning. Yeah. And then I'm going to Wembley to watch Blur. Yes. And then Sunday morning, we're going to go and watch Nick Cope do his Songs for Children. Who's he?

He does a CBeebies show, Nick Cope's Popcast, where he sings songs. Okay. He's really good. He loves music. I'm with my daughter's really into his... And then I'm going to watch Blur again on Sunday night. That is ridiculous. It's a mad weekend, isn't it?

That's insane. Hook or Suck is basically just the beginning. Yeah, who thought Hook or Suck would be the least rock and roll thing on second of least to Nick Pope? It's a kid's thing. Should we talk about our little trip, Josh? Yeah. Our world tour.

Our world tour. We started and completed our world tour on Monday. Our world tour that lasted 17 hours. Lasted 17 hours. I've got to say, BA were exceptional, Rob. I knew you were going to do this.

So for those who don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what all these people complaining about BA. Fucking hell. I had a lovely time. Thank you to all the cabin crew who treated us beautifully.

We took off on time. The food was exquisite. Yep, it was. For people who don't know, we went to Dubai Sunday night. We flew out at 9.30 p.m., landed at 7 a.m. in Dubai, went to a hotel, slept for a couple of hours, had lunch, then at 3 o'clock went to the venue, the Dubai Opera House, to do Peril in Hell live.

And then we did that. Soundcheck. We did the venue at 3 p. house to do perry in hell live and then we did that sound check we did the venue at 3 p.m the sound check and all that and then we did the show 8 p.m till 10 p.m and then we left and immediately went to the airport to get the 1 a.m flight home it felt like being in a band that's what it felt like because that's the only way we could fit in doing the gig what the fuck my chair went down again sorry this chair's gonna be your headphones in it sorry sorry i'm getting a new chair sunday michael michael super cut for tiktok no down the time code add that to the super cut for tiktok a thread yeah so we were actually

in dubai for 17 hours someone said to me why have you given yourself such a stressful thing to do? I'd say it was the most relaxed day of my life, Rob. I had two naps. Yeah. It's mental how hard work is with kids when flying. And to be fair, we did go business. Yeah, fully admit that. Fully admit that.

There's no way we could do that in economy in 17 hours and still do the show we'd be asleep on stage so also rob crucially they paid for our flights they paid for our flights big up to sean walsh who came out premium economy oh god i felt bad i felt bad felt awful the venue only willing to give sean premium economy and when he said he was on the same flight as us back i'll be honest my heart sank but um yeah so we were only up for 17 hours and it wasn't quite annoying but i hands up like i say in the past british airways and i have not been best friends but i literally was one of the best flights i've ever been on both times couldn't fault it new plane great staff good food all on top there was literally not one negative and you and you

was loving it josh i was loving it rob i will admit because i don't do much traveling compared to you yeah i felt a bit like you know when crocodile dundee goes to new york and he feels like yeah just a bit of a hick so yeah i don't want to sound like a loser rob yeah come on it was so many things about my business class seat that i didn't know how to do, but I didn't want to ask. So I didn't know, Rob, that there was a light, a spotlight next to me for when they went dark at night. So you could read your book? If I wanted to read.

So I was reading with the torch off my phone for an hour. And I had to get someone to come over. I said, have you got an iPhone charger? Because I was running down my phone for an hour and i had to get someone to come over i said have you got an iphone charger because i was running down my phone reading with my torch because i died what did they say they gave me a charger but they didn't mention it and then in the morning i found the fucking light i was like why did they think i was reading with my phone torch on my book because i've traveled so much doing rob and Rom here, I forget how much I've travelled. I didn't know what was going on.

I checked my baggage in even though I didn't need to. That was mental. You checked in a hand luggage bag. I panicked. I just presumed you had to because I was going long haul. And then I nearly got detained. Oh, that was scary. This was scary.

When we arrived, we went to immigration, and the promoters had got this guy to meet us from the plane and take us through immigration. Sometimes the queue can be really long, so he was a fast-track thing because we had to get to the venue because we were there for a short amount of time. And this guy met us in suit and booted, took us to the immigration thing where you get your passport stamped.

Anyway, we get to the front. Josh gets his stamp, goes straight through. I get my one. And the passport guy went to go to the office. Josh gets his stamp to go straight through. Too bloody right. I get my one. And the passport guy went, go to the office. I was like, pardon? No, I want to go into the country. That's what I wanted to know. I don't want to go to the office.

He went, go to the office. I was like, okay. I looked at the guy who was chaperoned. I was like, oh, we've got to go to the office. And he just sort of went, meh. He just sort of shaved his head and had no idea what was going on. And then I went up there and gave it to him. And they looked at my passport for ages.

And I went, when you were here last time, I was like, yeah, October. I came out October 17th. When did you leave? I went 27th of October here for 10 nights. And he went, you didn't get your passport stamped. I was like, pardon? He went, you didn't get stamped when you left. I was like, but you don't want to be rude because they're in charge of your status in the country.

But I was like, it's not really my job, is it? I'm not really in charge of the stamp. I give you the passport and you stamp it. I have left because I'm coming back in. Yeah, I can't have stayed because I'm literally not on the boulder now. Unless I've stayed here for four months. I haven't snuck out. Why would I sneak out?

Don't get me wrong, the British Airways lounge is exceptional, but I've not spent eight months here just to do the gig. Yeah, I'm not Tom Hanks. But that was very stressful, Josh, wasn't it? Yeah. Very stressful. And then I had a stressful moment in my hotel room, Rob. Oh, what happened?

Well, another one of my Crocodile Dundee moments. Go on. What, did I text you? How do I turn on the lights? Yeah, you're not a great traveller, are you? I was out of my depth, Rob. So I've been reading, I was reading a book. I don't know if anyone's read it. How could you not turn the lights on in the room? Well, because, so I walked in, I was reading a book called I'll Be Gone in the Dark, which is a true crime book about a serial

killer who breaks into people's houses okay right nice and nice relaxing yeah your medication must be good you're reading that before bed i was quite edgy yeah i bet particularly as i was reading it with a fucking torch on a plane as well anyway so it's quite edgy about it and i go into my hotel room uh 7 a.m when we arrive and i can't find the thing to put in the key card which you normally do in the UK hotels. Yes. So I think, oh, there must be none of that. So the lights are on when I walk in.

And I walk in and then five seconds in, the lights cut out and it goes to pitch dark. I fucking shat myself. I panicked and I literally ran for the door and opened the door to get some light in there. I was so scared. You don't like the dark? I've been reading this book about the murderer.

I'd normally be fine with the dark. But you had to text me where to put the key card. Because it was in a different, it looked like a touch screen screen that you had to put the key card in. It's quite futuristic, the hotels in Dubai, aren't they? It was too futuristic. I screen that you had to put the key card in but it's quite futuristic the hotels in dubai aren't they were too futuristic i didn't know where to put the card

so i just slept without the i had to open the curtains for the first few hours and i didn't text you straight away so i just had the curtains open for light there's no electricity on with no electricity for the first three or four hours like it was mad i forget you're a bit of a country bumpkin aren't you i just was out of my depth rob you were out of your depth and i tell you what we weren't out of the hotel or venue we actually never stepped foot outside of dubai apart from getting in and out of taxis because it was so odd it was bizarre i felt like we were in wham like do you know what i I felt like, you know when you see footage of, like, a band just doing, like, a big tour?

Apart from there was no screaming fans. Psst, it's me, Alan. There's no place like London's Hackney Empire this September, or so I'm told. With shows from three of the UK's top comedians, joined team captain of 8 Out Of 10 Catsters Countdown, John Richardson, recent I'm a

celebrity get me out of here star sean walsh and me alan carr we're all visiting hackney empire this september with our critically acclaimed tour shows oh la-di-da tickets available from hackneyempire.co.uk see you there my loves right um anything else to share josh should we do some correspondence or i don't think i have got anything else oh yeah i have yeah oh yeah go on uh trigger warning okay about to talk about father christmas right my daughter said to me that her friend had told her that father christmas wasn't real oh this is the problem of east london why is this the problem of east london everyone's a little bit too wacky aren't't they? They can't just be on board with commercialisation

and capitalism. Well, I'm confident these friends do listen. These friends do listen to... Don't panic. I've just fucking ripped apart the Dance Academy. No, no, no.

So I'm going to say, I texted my friend. I said, your daughter's said this. Yeah. And he said, let me just find it. She, by the way,

I said, well, what do you think? That was the response I gave. And she said that she thinks her friend's an idiot for thinking this. Because who leaves the presents in the stocking? The adults leave the presents downstairs. And also, of course you can't hear the bells because you're asleep. So your ears are asleep.

So I said to my friend, he said, oh, fucking hell, sorry. We were trying to tell her to shut up he's talking about his daughter and yeah uh your daughter was like what are you talking about you weirdo so his daughter does know how comes i don't know i'm interested to talk to him next time i see him about it find out whether they've just told her or if but what i'm interested in is uh he's a big outspoken atheist. I was wondering whether Father Christmas fell under his Richard Dawkins-based doctrine. Yeah, I wouldn't put Father Christmas

under the Christianity banner. Like, I don't know whether he wants to be honest about Father Christmas. He believes Father Christmas is a lie, perpetrator, I don't know. We'll find out when he listens to this episode. Yeah, but because obviously Christmas is Christian, isn't it?

But then Father Christmas feels like he operates outside of that. he's almost a bit like he's christmas and christmas is like christianity the same way as like wimbledon right say wimbledon is christmas yeah wimbledon's christmas not christian no don't hear me out i can say wimbledon is the same as christmas it's a big event right oh yeah Right, yeah, yeah. Okay? And Christmas is sorted out by, like, Christianity, yeah? However, synonymous with Wimbledon is strawberries. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. So is Father Christmas the strawberry to Christmas as the strawberry to Wimbledon is?

Right, yeah. They're not intertwined. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Strawberries aren't tennis. So if you hate tennis, you can still enjoy strawberries? That's what I'm saying. If you despise religion, can you still enjoy enjoy strawberries. That's what I'm saying. If you despise religion, can you still enjoy Father Christmas? That's what I'm saying.

I feel like he operates outside the law. It's quite difficult, this whole religion thing, isn't it? There's quite a lot going on. Yeah, do you know what? When it comes to religion, I normally just keep my nose out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sort of believe in the universe. My view is...

Hear me out. Go on, go on. It's about time. You've been storing this up for years. I don't know if I'm right about a lot of things, you know, that are quite close to home. Like, I don't know whether I'm right about who should play for England. Yes.

How the fuck do I know if there's a God or not? Which is the God. Yeah. Sometimes, Josh, I don't even know if I actually need to have a shit, and I realise that as I'm having one. Yeah. So if I can't work out when my body need to have a shit and i realize that as i'm having one yeah so if i can't work out when my body needs to do a poo yeah how am i supposed to know who is the god exactly rob oh they're all good they're all good i like them all but i'm up for all of them

i'm a big universe guy rob i'm a big universe guy when it comes to religion i'm tapas exactly i'll take a little bit from each oh this is something else to tell before we do a quick bit of correspondence and small business i was in a petswood high street the other day in south london and uh just a normal high street in the suburbs of london wearing a black t-shirt pair of blue shorts and a pair of white trainers yeah walking along going to get a coffee before i go and get my hair cut and And this guy goes to me, you in disguise this morning then, are you? Pardon? Oh, I see.

In disguise. Don't want anyone to know. So I don't know what you mean. You're not Mr. Tumble normally. Exactly. He's like, in disguise. I was like, I'm literally wearing shorts and T-shirts in July, walking on the street.

There's nothing. There was no disguise. So what does he expect you to be wearing? I don't know. But I don't know but i don't know because i've got like glasses on and a beard maybe you've seen me without glasses and a beard but i'm like yeah it's not just it's just i can't see very well and i'm lazy yeah of course you're not someone who's well known for an outfit not all like harry hill yeah yeah you're not harry hill or milton jones do you know what i mean you're like yeah this is what i look all like all the time yeah

i think i've actually worn this outfit on telly as well. Yeah. It would be a terrible disguise if your disguise was the same clothes you wear in public. Yeah. But it's just a bit weird. I don't know why I said it. Yeah, that is odd.

Right. Shall we do... Just do a quick bit of correspondence, what we've got here. Bit of correspond-i. Knock out a correspondence or two. One each. One each.

Right, I've got one here. Hello. Just a quick story of funny things kids do. My dad of cancer in brackets don't laugh rob that's a terrible calling card for me isn't it this goes back to when you told me how your grandfather sadly passed away but yeah your delivery was funny not what happened yeah anyway my dad died of cancer in 2020 he was cremated my son was only 18 months when he died, so obviously has no living memory of him. We are always trying to keep his memory alive by talking about Grandad Donald. While my mum was deciding what to do with his ashes, the urn was put on his bedside locker, locker, with a picture, I think they're American, with a picture of him in front of it. As time

went on, my son became more and more curious about the urn. He would always go over and say, hello, Grandad Donald. It was very cute. About a month after he had a sleepover in my mum's house, we were driving home and out of nowhere, my mum said, I touched Grandad Donald. I got a bit of a fright at first. Your son said that, not my mum. No, no, no.

Her son said that, not the mother. I got a bit of a fright at first and I thought he was some sort of clairvoyant, but he quickly followed with, he was very dusty. I could not contain my laughter. I rang my mum immediately and told her. She said she recalled that he had dust over his hand that day, but didn't know where it had come from. Oh, no, no.

It turns out he'd opened the urn himself and had a good old feel around in Grandad Donald's ashes. My dad had a brilliant sense of humour and he would love this story. Love the podcast, Danielle. Oh, that's lovely. And now your son has got this story that he can listen to when he's older. Look at that. Look at that.

How the world works, eh? Yeah. Okay, parenting fail? Yeah. It's 1986, Rob. Hi, guys. In 1986. Shall I set the scene?

Yeah, go on, mate. Liverpool v Everton in the FA Cup final. England ready to go to play Argentina in Mexico. Mexico. Yes, Mexico. The Smiths are a year away from splitting up. Okay. It's getting quite more depressing.

You keep mentioning games England lost and then the Smiths split up. Margaret Thatcher is a year away from a third election victory. Okay. They're struggling. Each to their own. The Morrissey didn't have all of his views at this point. No, but Margaret Thatcher did. Yes.

Hi, guys. It's 1986. I was 21 years old when I had my first daughter and had two more children after that. They're now 35, 33, and 30. Absolute shagger. Listening to the boomer stories prompted me to tell you about the strange instant of the hairy toothbrush. Ohute shagger. Listening to the boomer stories prompted me to tell you about the strange

instant of the hairy toothbrush from 1994. You remember 1994 Rob don't you? Oh yeah I mean USA World Cup Diana Ross.

Here we go Diana Ross taking the penalty. Take that to topping the charts. I was eight years old loving life. Labour leader

John Smith has a heart attack and dies. Is this off the top of your head? Yeah. Alright well done. Weird isn't head? Yeah. All right. Well done.

Weird, isn't it? It's really weird. Well, take that. It's around that time, isn't it? Well, you were like nine when this was happening. You remember that man dying of a heart attack. No, no. I've since read up on that.

Why? It's 1994. It began the strange incident of the hairy toothbrush. It began when I started finding hairs stuck in my toothbrush in the bathroom drawer on a daily basis. I remember being very concerned that my hair was falling out at such a young age falling out of his mouth a few weeks went by uh when my toothbrush went missing so i went to ask my wife if she'd borrowed it i walked into the dining room and found my five-year-old daughter had it and was using it to brush the pet hamster oh my Oh, so he's found little hairs in it,

like it's falling out of his beard or whatever. At first, I just smiled and watched her carefully brushing his neck and back, and then his belly, and then around his arse. Suddenly it dawned on me that she'd been doing it for weeks and putting it back in my drawer, and then I went on to unknowingly use my teeth after oh that is horrible needless to say i let her keep that one and fitted a lock on my bathroom drawer where i keep my new toothbrush thanks carl in hertfordshire i don't understand why we've got 1986 and 1994 well 1986 he had his first child child. Oh, I see. He's got an eight-year-old that's brushing a hamster rather than watching the news, trying to find out about

fatal, terrible news. Do leave the years in, and I'll paint a picture when you say yes. A beautiful... A beautiful picture of that time. A horrifying picture of that time. These incidents happen. I really enjoy your painting a picture.

It's a deep dive into your soul. It's normally football politics and sadness. Football politics and music occasionally. That's less precise. Oh, dear. Right. Okay. Here we go.

I've got a small business. Hi, Rob and Josh and Michael. I wondered if I could get a shout out for my small family business, Snapshots, and that's S-N-A-P-S-h-o-t-z instagram underscore snapshots of a z snapshots is a modern take on traditional photo booth it's a fun pop-up station using photo booth software which includes photos boomerangs gifs and videos throw in the props and is a perfect recipe for a great selfie once the magic has been captured guests have the option for the photos etc to be sent to themselves via a text message email or downloaded via a qr code so

everyone gets to capture your snapshots attendant will assist with all of this the party hosts have the option to get a link to an online gallery sent to them the next day to see all of the moments captured we have a small setup design not to take up a huge amount of precious event space we cater for all events get in touch instagram underscore snapshots email snap.shots at outlook.com good luck snapshots okay dear rob and josh thank you for your podcast which i've been listening to for a long time now i don't have kids but i love the podcast which makes me regularly laugh out loud and continue puts me off the idea of reproducing i wonder if you might be able to give my small business shout out it's pronounced compassion co but it's spelled c m p s s n co like compassion

without the vowels compassion c m p s s s n n Co. It's my new Etsy shop with ADHD and neurodivergent positive products. From badges and stickers to hoodies and totes, these beautiful products are a great way to raise awareness of neurodiverse minds. The project was born following my own experience of ADHD as an adult woman and difficulties of diagnosis. A portion of every order is donated to charities supporting neurodiverse people to get the support they need. Find us on Etsy at www.etsy.com forward slash shop forward slash C-M-P-S-S-N-C-O.

Compassion. C-O. For Co. Thanks again for keeping me laughing. N-L. Spell N-L. See you on Friday, Rob. See you on Friday.

See you then. Bye.