Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP11: No dot Tuesday

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... **TRIGGER WARNING** At approx 28min 45 seconds into this episode there is some discussion of Father Christmas not suitable for young ears. Thanks. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with jake say rob beckett jake say josh Widdicombe

Josh Widdicombe well done there we go that was a nice one wasn't it it is nice quite grown up voice slightly windy

I don't want to be the guy that moans about sound quality because I've you know I've got a bit of a past you know I've done I've done

I've done episodes in basically glass containers yeah so I you know so I can't really complain i've done episodes in basically glass containers yeah i've been wrecking so i you know so i can't really complain about the listeners so you can't throw stones no no i think this is okay i'm doing this from my living room and i've not done that before and i'll explain why it's sort of peak perrin in hell stress in my house at the moment which we'll get on to who was that josh you're not gonna fucking believe this. What? You know I'm stressed. Yeah, I'd say... Oh, for fuck's sake, Siri, come on.

I'd say you started this episode the most stressed I've seen you in... In six months? Probably, yeah. If not more. Yeah, I just... I deleted the email with the name of the person using the bottom bit of my hand when I picked up my phone to read it. Okay, so we don't know who that was.

I... I can't emphasise this enough. The iPhone's ability to just delete an email at one touch is fucking stupid. But, Josh, we absolutely love the Apple Pay. Let's not forget that. We love Apple Pay. Don't get me wrong. But how many times...

Deleting an email at one touch at the bottom of a phone where you'd pick it up normally is fucking insane. And you go and look in the bin and it's not there. And then I've had a thing called archive. Who do you think I am, a fucking librarian? Yeah, I'm not archiving a fucking email about my taxi times. I need it now. Do you know what i mean um yeah you're quite stressed josh i feel a bit on the edge but you're making me feel better which i can't believe it

to leave like that michael what's the name of the people could you send it to me again i'll do it at the end i'll i'll pick it up to end the episode do you want to say please as well josh or just keep shouting at him i don't i'm just shouting myself rob i'm shouting at the world i'm shouting a question into a well can I ask you a question? Why are you wearing a blazer in your own house? I'm not wearing a blazer. Or jacket. Why aren't you hot?

Because I've only literally just come in. It's so hot today. It's a hot day. I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I know, but I was in an air-conditioned studio and then an air-conditioned car. Right, okay, fair enough. Like the Jetsons, you are.

Did they take on too much work as well? Tell us, why are're a bit stressed. Well, let's get the listener. Can you email it to me, Mark, and I'll read out who it is. If you don't mind, please, Michael. Oh, fuck you. Fuck you, Mark. Thanks, mate.

Oh, fuck off. Oh, fuck off. Just because you're a bit tired doesn't mean you can forget your P's and Q's. I'm not just a bit tired. I'm in a really bad state. Okay. Well, let's not get bogged down by that. I'm doing a good one this morning.

Shut up, mate. Right. You okay? Seriously, though? You all right? Yeah, fine. Shall I read out the email and then we'll get back to why you're a bit tired? Yeah.

Okay. Hi. While you read this out, I'm going to use it as 20 seconds to try and just have a bit of head space. Right. Okay. Well, you do that. So if I don't banter on it i do apologize okay well i'll do some solo banter and you just quickly meditate this is me ask my nephew jake to say your names we came to see you

at the o2 in april and we returned today to climb the o2 that's really fun by the way and that's why it's so windy oh they were doing it while they climbed the o2 probably look at you you're straight back in it absolutely professional sorry straight out of the meditation straight out of the meditation into this i reckon i could have dealt with that on my own josh you should have took five um anyway return to climb at the o2 and we did this recording whilst at the top hence windy correct although neither of us have children we both love listening to the podcast claire aged 619 months and jake 229 months there we go thank you very much love it have you climbed to the top of the o2 yes i have i loved it metaphorically career-wise um well like yeah but i'd argue

sometimes you can get to the top of the o2 but you still feel like you're at the bottom oh that's really that's really nice yeah yeah that's good because it's not as still on top as you expect there's not the serenity in the stillness. No, but I have literally climbed it and sold it out. So sue me. Who's done both? Me. And loads of other people, I imagine. Loads of people.

Because really, I think there's loads of other people who just can't be bothered to climb up the O2. I don't reckon Prince climbed it. I can't imagine where Prince... Well, he's not going to now, is he? No, he's not. That's a little thing I've got over Prince. So, yeah, I have done the O2.

It is quite a good little trip, that, climbing the O2. Because what it's done is it's bouncy. And I've climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I love climbing. I'm a climber. You love climbing. Now, Josh, your summer holidays, are they getting a little bit out of hand, a bit too much work, too many logistics?

I got cocky. You got cocky. Okay, well, talk us through the cockiness. The first three weeks were fine. Actually, the first three weeks were yeah fine yeah actually the first three weeks i about four days ago i said to rise i don't know all the fuss is about it's a marathon not a sprint in it okay fucking hell fucking hell it's been a bad week she says no routine at all is there no so tuesday was a bad one rob tuesday was when it all went wrong it's no one's fault but my own what happened tuesday do you have the apple calendar on your

phone is that how you look at your iCal yes i have iCal and it'll have a dot on the days when you're busy and a dot on the days when you're not busy yeah yeah yeah well i well this shows how busy i am there's always been a dot i just thought was a dot. I just thought it always had a dot. My next dotless. Do you want to know what my next dotless is? Yeah. 21st of December. Fucking hell.

How? I don't know. How are your Saturdays all dots? In my defence, well, not in my defence. The reason why I may be busier is I do have every single Arsenal fixture in there. Right, yeah. Which I'd argue doesn't consume my whole day. Yeah.

I'd say also my agent sometimes shall put keep free in my diary to give me some days off. Yeah. But it appears as a dot, which I find slightly stressful. Keep free does sound like a new panel show on ITV. I'm doing keep free on ITV. Anyway, I had no dot on tuesday rob right no dot no dot tuesday no dot tuesday had a load of stuff i needed to catch up on tuesday yeah and i've had

some thoughts like some ideas i just wanted to like for various things that i needed to put down i was gonna have a relaxed day so where the kids you've got the youngest in nursery and then your daughter's in is she in a school club or something no what does rose got rose was out in the morning yeah and we had the nanny in on the tuesday somehow I had a free day right okay I didn't know how this was happening Rob I tell you how it was happening Rob why because we didn't have the nanny in on Tuesday. No? No. As I found out, about 9.45, 15 minutes, I was anticipating the door opening. So you thought, she's running a bit behind. Yeah, I'll text her.

Considering she's been after both my kids all day, that's a bit much, but not here. Yeah, because I'm having the day I've looked forward to, catching up on things and getting these ideas down on paper that I've had. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, pottering around with some ideas. Yeah, it's just a bit of fun.

Just relaxingly, you know, reply to those few emails, et cetera, et cetera. No, Rob. No, no, no. Texted her. It wasn't her day at all. No. Suddenly my day changed a lot, Rob.

You've got nothing planned. I've got nothing planned. If anyone's going to say to me, well, that's lucky, I don't think it is lucky. Because me having nothing planned was the thing I was looking nothing planned. If anyone's going to say to me, well, that's lucky. I don't think it is lucky because me having nothing planned was the thing I was looking forward to. Right, okay. What would have been lucky is if this had happened on a day when I was filming abroad. That's what would have been lucky. Yeah, not when you've got nothing planned.

Not when I've got nothing planned for the first time in fucking weeks. Yeah. And so basically, took them to the city farm, Hackney City Farm. You'll be happy there. Cor, you've actually spread your wings from the park. Well, I thought, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Enjoy these magic moments. And I did.

We signed up to the RSPB. Guy absolutely got me. I was in a great mood. I was thinking, you know, this is today as i've been given it enjoy it do you know what i mean and you've got a fun day out with your kids exactly this is joy went for lunch it was a longer walk to the uh cafe than i remembered that was getting fraught had to carry them or had to carry my son yeah and a plastic pram that i told my daughter she wouldn't keep pushing and i was correct in saying.

Yep, always. Get to the restaurant, the Italian, on Broadway Market. The waitress, she did not like me. Oh, that's an awful place to take kids for lunch. What? It's stressful. There's a lot of people there with rolled up jeans and bright coloured socks. There wasn't that many people, Rob.

There wasn't that many people. Are you sure? We said we'll sit inside because it was boiling outside. All the hipsters are at their family homes on the French Riviera, aren't they? Living their DOS life during the year. I'll be honest. It's towards the family end of hipst. It wasn't very hipst.

It's more of the family. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah. Don't worry. It's a small piece of South East London in East London, this place. Sit inside. I'd say the restaurant was completely empty. Yep.

Sit down at a table. She directs me to one half of the room. Comes over. She's like, that one's reserved. I'm like, you've got to be fucking kidding me, haven't you? Literally, while we were there, no one sat in it. Yeah, okay. In an empty restaurant.

I got moved out of a reserved table. It is weird. Got moved to another table. She brings over the menus. She obviously thinks I'm a bad dad, Rob. Why? Because... She's looking in your eyes. I look at the menu, yeah. I look at the menu, and then she goes, no, don't

do that. And I looked up, and my son had one of the sharp knives in his mouth. Oh, God. I literally looked away for a second at the menu. And was it one of them, like, you know, them serrated edges? No, I mean, it's got a point on the end.

Yeah, it's got a point on the end. They shouldn't be out willy-nilly. No, she takes it off him and goes, I'll go and get you the plastic cutlery. Yeah. Puts me right in my place. What, she's getting it for you as well? No, but she already thought I was a prick.

Yeah. I'd sat in the I was a prick. Yeah. I'd sat in the wrong table. Yeah. Yeah. Then we have the meal. All fine. She walks over. Can I guess vegetarian pizza?

I didn't eat. I had a salad. So you did eat? I don't want to get all, like, Inspector Morse over this. I ate, yeah. Okay. You had salad. I ate. Yeah, okay.se over this. I ate, yeah. Okay. You had salad. I ate.

Yeah, okay. Might as well have not had. Oh. Oh. Because I had a side salad. Why did I have a side salad? You know the rocket one with the parmesan? That's not a lunch.

That's not a lunch. No, you didn't eat, actually. You're right. Yeah. What am I doing with my life? Why did you do that? Why didn't you just have a nice lunch? Because I was... I wasn't thinking.

I was under pressure. I'd had... I'll be honest with you. I'd had too many pizzas recently, Rob. I'd had too many pizzas. And you had the chili oil. How was the chili oil the other night? Well, I hadn't had this by this point.

Oh, right, okay. At this point, I thought I've had too many pizzas. I can't deal with pizza again. Yeah. Yeah. We were having a lovely time with the kids. Josh, you could... When she comes over...

This story, though, Josh, you could tell another way of like, oh, we went to the farm. We had a lovely lunch. All right, Rob. Then she comes over for me to pay.

Yeah. I go to get my phone out. While I'm getting my phone out, my children have both stood up on their seats and start getting the mirror off the wall. And they're like, is that the PG tips, Jim?

And she's like, don't let them take the mirror off the wall. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, She thinks I'm the worst mirror off the wall. I'm like, no, no, no, no. She thinks I'm the worst dad in the world. Okay.

All right. Book the cab to go home because there's no parking at Hackney City Farm. So we had to get a cab there and back. Yeah. Okay. Why don't you drive? Because there's no parking at Hackney City Farm. Sorry. Sorry.

Didn't jump on the tube. Got the bus there. The bus is such a far walk as well do you know what you need in your life somewhere with industrial estate and loads of parking treat yourself get down the nugent center in orpington park up there's a prep go nando's if you want there's a five guys boots jd, JD Sports, Marks and Sparks, Metro Bank. Do the coins. Yeah. So then I ordered the cab to get home.

Then my daughter reminded me. I said I'd buy them both a book. So I had to cancel the cab. Bought them both a book. Yeah. Obviously, the first shop I went to only had picture books because it was an art-based bookshop. So I had to then go to a second bookshop.

Eventually got home two hours after my son's nap. Got him in bed. He was out like a light. Glory be. God, it's a busy morning. Yeah. You're telling me, Rob. Get him down.

I'm like, I'm chilled out now. Rose is coming back. Do you know what? I might do some writing this afternoon. I might catch up on those emails. I might just relax and be me while Rose looks after the kids. He's being you, replying to emails. Well, just tidying up my life.

On your... OK. Sorry. Anyway, Rose's sister's had a nightmare. Rose's sister's in the country with her daughter, who's three. She's got to do a work call on American time. Oh, no. Could Rose and her mum look after her daughter?

Yep, so suddenly there's three kids in the house. Yep, okay. Triple trouble. So I go upstairs and think I'll be fine. The atmosphere is, I'd say, rabid downstairs. Right. That spills into my daughter's room, which is next to the office.

Yep. She then, they flood the adjoining ensuite between my room well cover the floor in water yeah by this point my mind's gone can't concentrate on anything you can't be you anymore can't be me anymore get to five just give up being me and this is your no dot tuesday this is my no dot tuesday mate this is my no-dot Tuesday. This is my no-dot Tuesday, mate. This is my no-dot Tuesday. Straight into bedtime, somehow.

Straight into childcare, straight into bedtime. Yep. By this point, I reward myself with a pizza. You've been avoiding, obviously. I've been avoiding all day. Yeah, yeah. I said, I deserve a pizza. Yeah.

Put on the Wham Doc. Looking forward to that. Put on the chili oil onto the pizza oh this is chili or not don't get to the end of yeah i thought why not kill two birds with one stone don't get to the end of the wham doc because i get the shits do you explain the chili oil to people this if you are new this is a chili oil called lee cum key that i had on holiday in Greece, and it gave me an upset stomach for two days, and I was sweating all the time, and I was blood red. So Josh ordered some to see what all the fuss was about, put it on his pizza. It's fine to taste. You downed it all.

Yeah. And then he had the shits before George Michael died, basically, in the doc. The shits. Well, he doesn't die in the documentary, but I had a shit before they played China. So about an hour in. Really? That quick? Well, I don't know.

It goes through you, doesn't it? And then I had pains in my stomach. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been Lee Comkied. And chest. And chest? Went to bed.

Didn't sleep well because of the chili oil. Felt depressed in the morning because I'd slept badly. Had the shits again. Yeah. Yesterday we had a lovely time. Well, because the chilli oil found depressed in the morning because I'd slept badly. Had the shits again. Yep. Yesterday we had a lovely time. We went to the art exhibition at the Royal Academy, the exhibition, Joe Lycett's in there,

which was fun, exciting. And then last night finished the Wham Doc. You firmed up downstairs or are you still... Firmed up downstairs. Lovely. This morning, too much work. Yep. Worked all afternoon. Felt a bit mental came

home rose was having an absolute shocker she's trying to upload a reel to her instagram the sound isn't working it's different on the preview from on the the normal one yeah i don't know how to sort that out nah she's it's sending them you know those things they can send you mental she spent three hours on this reel because it's been such a disaster and she can't fix it and you don't know how to work instagram so she's in your ear going how do you do and you're like yeah and i know rose is stressed when she says the house is a state that's basically that's yeah and it's sort of like that's it you're getting straight yeah and the house yeah yeah and i'll go i'll tide it up that's not gonna help no um she has to go into bedtime and here i am lovely and any progress on the reel i'd quite like to see that well i said why don't you try uploading it because it might

just be the preview that's faulty but she's like well once you've done that you've done it it's too late then you just delete it again yeah but then she's back to the she deletes it she's back to the start because it's a it's like a montage oh right okay anyway follow her out penrose house if you want to see whether it went and when you're watching the content you'll know how sad it's made everyone at home and also i went to do a job that i really wanted to do today, but I've got too much on. And when I left, I was buzzing too much. But you'll enjoy this, Rob. Go on. Because, you know, I'm not eating pizza because I've, I don't know.

You had one on Wednesday. Yeah, and on Thursday before the art gallery. Yeah. But you had one Tuesday night as well. I've had too many pizzas this week, Rob. Yeah. Yeah. So I had...

Can I tell you my pizza story? I've got a pizza oven, right? And you have to... I connected it to the gas, that Gosney Dome thing, right? And you have to get it warm, but then not too hot, or it cracks the stone. So I had it really cool. And then I had no pizza in the house at all,

but I had a frozen one from a supermarket. A deep dish one. yeah so i thought so i sort of defrosted it as much as i could right and then it got to the right temperature in the picture i thought i'll just chuck it in see what it does to it i have never seen anything burn something so quick i might as well have put it onto a fucking actual fire it was completely burned at the top and i've been saying to the kids kids do you want to help me do it like that immediately caught on fire but anyway i'm getting there i enjoyed it the thought of you putting your mccain pizza into a fucking pizza oven good fellas good pizza good times

in you get dr oika the first time dr oika has ever seen the inside of a pizza oven i'll tell you that i'm gonna try and frisbee one in from the other side of my garden straight in his fucking mouth oh sorry josh god you had too many pizzas so i thought i'll have i'll have protein pancakes for breakfast back on the good food wagon okay but healthy yeah what are protein pancakes in do you make them yourself or they yeah two eggs bit of protein powder almond milk bit of coconut yogurt some raspberries which my son ate all of them so i didn't have any raspberries. Okay. I feel, if I was a therapist, I'd say you're showing signs of slight

resentment towards your children. No, not at all. I resent myself 100%. All of my problems are self-created. I've got no resentment towards anyone else except myself. I'm an idiot. The problem is, if you allow the mind to be in charge

the place the problems coming from cannot be solved in the same place you have to disassociate from your mind and just let it sit so i'll tell you my mind i tell you my mind not sitting i got to this run through for this thing in the office so you have to go and do it yeah three hours with three producers running it through yeah i'd eaten the protein pancakes i was full so i thought i don't need to have lunch yeah beforehand i took a bottle of fuel but i've got fuel shame do you have fuel shame what's now what's your show i just think it's a wankery thing to get out in the middle of a meeting a bottle of fuel yeah oh it's not there's no shame but it feels like it would be commented on yeah like oh you're just

having that for lunch then are you just yeah you look like you're going oh no yeah well i'm sorry look all i did was shove it in my bag so i couldn't have any lunch yeah but i don't think anyone cares no one cares except me and they had they had brownies and they had saurine and i'm not just gonna eat brownies and saurine? What's this run through at my nan's house? I'd have killed for a saurine. But you had Huel. Well, no, I didn't. So I didn't have anything.

Oh, you didn't even have... Because you was too embarrassed. I was going fucking mental. And I had three teas because I was just trying to subside the hunger. By the time I got in the car, I was going mental. Yeah, but this is manic, Josh. Why are you not eating in front of people? You're like a model in the 90s.

What are you doing? I love people that literally have no shame in what people think about them. They're like gods to me. There was a bloke I used to work with, Gary Mack. Shout out to Gary Mack, this scouser. We used to ring abroad because we'd put on events, and he'd ring up and be like, Bongino!

In a proper voice. Bongino! And he had two jacket potatoes for lunch once from the cafe. Fuck. And I almost gave him a round of applause. I was like, respect. Just respect that. In front of everyone, two jacket potatoes, bosh, lunch done.

No, not me. But you've still got your heel in your pocket. Well, I had it as soon as I got in the car. So have you eaten today? Since you got back? Yeah, I had a heel in the car. What did you have when you got back? Anything. Well, I had it as soon as I got in the car. So have you eaten today since you got back? Yeah, I had a huel in the car. And then what did you have when you got back? Anything? No, I had to try and start tidying the house to assuage Rose's fear that our house was a shit tip.

Right, OK. We got our nursery days wrong for next year. That was something I dealt with today as well. Did you get them sorted? Oh, it's up in the air currently, so that's added to my stresses. Oh, it's up in the air currently so that's added to my stresses. Oh, it's up at the head honchos. Oh, life. We meant

to do Tuesday and Thursday and we did Wednesday and Thursday. Oh, it's just one little swap though, can't be that big a deal, can it? We'll see. In by the end of August. Is that what they're going to tell you? Yeah. Ah, so a couple of weeks of worry? Yeah.

And it's like you haven't got a busy autumn, so you'll be alright, won't you? But the worst thing is, it's 100% my fault. Oh, and you was in charge of that? No. Yeah, okay. Anything else you want to share, Josh? No. No?

I got up and did yoga at 7am. What's wrong with me? I feel like you're manic. I wasn't this morning. I am now. No, at 7am you couldn't be more peaceful. Downward dog. Do you know what I said to Rose? I feel nourished.

Really? Do you know when I didn't feel nourished? When I sat in that fucking meeting without my heel. Yeah, but that's your own fault. I know. Everything's my own fault today. I'm having a bad day. That's fine. That's totally fair fair we all have bad days yeah but I think it's that juggle of when the kids are supposed to be here there

and everywhere and nothing going is when stuff doesn't go exactly to plan it slightly falls down doesn't it yeah I've had my filming cancelled at the weekend so it's got moved to October so I thought well go down to Devon with my daughter that'll be nice see my parents because they were going to come up in a period when i was working a lot so why don't i take my daughter down yeah so you've got two days off yeah i've got saturday sunday we'll go down saturday morning come back monday morning perfect also plymouth are at home to southampton so maybe me and my dad could go to the game. Lovely. Like it. What I'll do, book the 10am train, get there at half twelve, let my daughter settle in for an hour,

drive to the game with my dad. Perfect. Text my mate, who's a Southampton fan, who's going to the game, what train are you getting down from London? Maybe we'll be on the same train. He said 8am. And I was like, that's a bit early, mate.

Oh no, Josh. Starting the drinking early. He goes, no, no, no, it's a 12.30 kick-off. Plymouth are on fucking sky. Plymouth are never on fucking sky. You're going to watch it in your front room. I'm going to watch it in my front room in London. So, Nat, you're going to actually miss the game completely now.

I'm on a train during the kick-off. Oh, can you change the ticket? Sorry. I can't because I'd have to set off at 8am on a Saturday from Paddington. I'd have to get up at about 6. You'd be doing your yoga at 2am. Anyway, I'm just having a bit of a wee. Oh, Josh.

I've had some lovely time with my kids. It's the other times that do my head in. Well, I tell you what you do is you get down there at the weekend, right? And you let your daughter have quality time with her grandparents. And you, and this is not you being a bad parent or being lazy, go for a walk, have a bit of quiet, and just you need to stop and breathe. And then all these little things are firing off.

Because you manically booked them tickets because you didn't double-check the kick-off time. Why would it be at 12.30? I know, but Josh, you've got to... We haven't picked off at 12.30 in about six years. Yeah, but Josh, you didn't eat for nine hours because you were too embarrassed to get your heel out. You're not thinking straight.

You've got to slow down, mate. You've got to relax. You're too scared to eat you're too scared to eat then you have too much chili when you shit yourself you've got to slow it down but yeah so take the opportunity for the weekend to have a bit of chill time quiet time yeah yeah how are you well you've made me feel a bit better, actually. It's been a... All good.

We've had a busy day, but it's a positive busy day because we're going on holiday tomorrow. Yeah. So, basically, we went to Greece, didn't we? And Lou broke her ankle, essentially. And then we were supposed to be going to Copenhagen for, like, five nights. But we managed to move... They allowed us to move the flights to december so we're gonna go when it's a christmas markets and festive and cozy but that meant i had that time booked off

still and i didn't have any work so we booked a last minute little week holiday to spain because we managed to cancel we managed to cancel the hotel for copenhagen so that was lovely so we managed to move the flights for free and cancel the hotel. So it almost felt like, well, we've got our budget back now for a bit of a holiday. Let's go to Spain for a week. So we're going to Spain tomorrow at 6 a.m.

However, so this is where we're at. It's 7.30 p.m. tonight on the day before we go on holiday. Nothing's packed. So yesterday I came home home lou had been out taking the kids to see shakespeare all day because so we weren't you didn't want to go no so because we were going we're supposed to be going monday so lou's had loads of stuff booked him for this week to keep the kids busy but then we made the holiday a bit earlier so she went to see shakespeare and

she had to get her hair done so they went there and then i came home from work a bit early about four o'clock and i thought I'll get stuff sorted Lou was getting her hair done and then her mate came around to get her hair done it was Lou was getting her hair done for fucking hours right and I was like Lou we need to start packing but then obviously she was getting her hair done and I woke up this morning today I was up at six in the new house we had some work done but the builder was coming around at nine to check the snagging but also there was some plants that were getting put in today and they came around at nine as well and then all the dogs started going mad and then i had to take at nine i take the dogs to the dog hotel i had to take them there

then i had to when i dropped them off i had to take the car and drop it off at a garage because it needs to be fixed while we're away on holiday and then i was getting picked up from there by a taxi to take me to london to do celebs go dating i did finish let's go dating five hours of that came home got back at six my mom and dad have come over to look after our kids because lou's got to go out for a night out or something with all the school mums but she didn't want to cancel it because it's a new lot of school mums so she's going out there tonight mom and dad are here and now i'm on the podcast with you two half nine tonight still not packed but we're going at six in the morning so it feels a bit uh but it's all fun stuff so i'm not complaining but it's a bit are you gonna leave anything for the morning are you just gonna go deep into the night

no it's gonna get all done i'd rather get it all done tonight but um the uh on the way to the dog hotel the uh new dog gets car sick which is great so he So he was sick. And then the older dog, for no reason that I can tell, pissed on the sick. So now I have to try and get that sorted and cleaned before I can take it to the garage. Because you can't be like, right mate,

you know that thing you've got fixing the engine? Also, there's a load of piss and sick in the boot. Oh my God. Anyway, so it's been a bit busy, but good. So I'm not,

you know, complaining. Very lucky to be able to go away on holiday So I'm not complaining at all Can I ask you something on the subject of Copenhagen at Christmas, Rob? Yeah I've got a bit of a festive issue Okay, go on, what's that? So, trigger warning for listeners

Okay, Father Christmas is this? I wanted to ask you about something about Father Christmas Right, okay That enough of a pause? Yeah, for me, yeah Yeah, so we're going to Lapland father christmas is this i want to ask you about something about father christmas right okay that enough of a pause uh yeah for me yeah yeah so we're going to lapland you can you can yeah love it loved it last year going again so you might know that they send out an invitation from father christmas to your children to invite them to lapland. Yes. Now, the main issue here is my daughter is basically under the impression that that is delivered based on who Father Christmas thinks has behaved the best.

Yes, and not people that are very good at getting in an online queue to access the website on sale day. Yes, yeah, yeah, exactly yeah exactly exactly in the same way that michael eviske is glastonbury tickets to the people he likes the best yes so you're saying that this is this is depriving you of some like you know compliments on your no no i'm not saying i want more credit i'm saying i heard her saying to her friend oh yes okay yeah and it's not her fault she was just saying maybe this year you'll get the call up basically it's a pressure play on the parents i don't like it rob they haven't got the call up his friends haven't got the call up she's got the call up she hasn't had

the call up yet but she's getting the call up so all right so now this has forced your friends to no i did the parents didn't hear it I just heard her saying it to her friend last year I was such a good girl that I got the call oh no maybe this year it'll be you oh yeah so this is a trick so they know they're getting

the invite but I don't think my kids I'm just going to tell them I booked it I'm just going to go yeah you can just pay to go there if you want he's got he's got to get money in for the present somehow and i think that's a better way of doing it but it's too late now isn't it i don't even know who told her this i think she's just joined things together from what she's heard about father christmas generally why don't you just say he's had a slight sort of ethos reform and he's now financial time because of the cost of living the cost of living because he live he's having to um just basically charge people now yeah and yeah um yeah that is that is the whole thing with folk that's so that's

what why we try to with the presents they get one big one like one big like looks like a big, it doesn't always be the most expensive one. And then other presents from the mum and dad. So it's just one rather than like, you got lots because you've been good girl. Oh, it's horrible, isn't it? When you dig down into it. Also, yeah. I think she's not far off getting the big news about the big FC. Really?

She's still so young. It's only five. No, but she's got, she's got friends at school with older siblings. She's already had them tell her and she's shot them down. It's only a matter of time. She's falling in with a bad crowd. She's falling in with a bad crowd, Rob. Yeah, but they're all like free and easy, loose, cool parents, you're like, aren't they?

They're a bit more traditional down in Bromley. Where I could imagine a mum would confront a nine-year-old and go, I've got a little opinion, have you, on Christmas? Do you want to tell me before you tell my fucking daughter? My friend, who's one of the parents, put up on Instagram, she's a journalist, and so she records her interviews and then gets them transcribed by the computer. Yeah.

Like, just plays it in and it will transcribe it. And it starts, because it's summer holidays, her interview starts with a transcription of her telling her daughter to turn poor patrol off oh god i lost i lost a plot last night i was trying to put my daughter to bed and um my eldest i'm not going to bed because there's a fly in here i went all right where is it so if there is a fly we'll try and get it i'm not just gonna let a fly buzz you know it's annoying isn't it and she's too small to reach the ceiling or whatever and i was like uh um yeah all right where is it then she went i don't know i went well i can't get an invisible fly it's not invisible well it might as well be because i can't see it but

if there's no fly i can't get it she went yeah i'm not going to sleep i went all right then lay there then she went well i went lay there awake all night she went what I went yeah if you want she literally didn't know what to do I was like look you want to not go to bed because there's a fly

apparently in here that I can't see and can't get and you're going to lie there awake all night off you go and I just left the room not Mr Miyagi

I'm not coming with some chopsticks in a dream anyway do you want to do some should I do some correspondence we haven't done any for ages yeah You're coming with some chopsticks in a dream. Anyway. Do you want to do some correspondence? We haven't done any for ages. Sorry, yeah.

Oh, by the way, I feel so much better for this. Well, you're not around your kids, are you now? You can be a bit of me time for you. Do you know when I know I'm manic? I mean, yeah, go on. I got in the car back from this job where I hadn't drunk the Huel due to my worries about the connotations of drinking Huel. Yes. Yes.

I started reading. Why are you reading? Just rest. Because if I look at my phone, that's just more straight. You just read. Relax. No? No.

I get cars. I listen to Michael Seeley and do a hypnosis thing. Here we go. Where he just basically lulls you into it. And you're not really asleep, but you're not really awake. Calm down, Buddha. This is unbelievable. Honestly, Michael Seeley's brilliant.

Because when I got picked up after dropping my car off, I put that on and I got about 45 minutes. I felt like a new man. Oh, maybe I should have done that. What book was you reading? I was reading a book called The Right Stuff about what it's like to be an astronaut in the American space programme.

I think your brain's got too much stuff in it. What have you found out about the astronauts? It's really interesting, actually. Is it? Yeah. Just the amount... It's rubbish being a pilot back in the day. Right.

The amount of them that just got killed in testing was unbelievable. Well, they just starved to death to embarrass to eat a sandwich in front of the guys. But anyway. Yeah. They get called up. The first Americans that were put in the...

It doesn't matter. Right, let's do some correspondence. Doesn't matter. Read the book. Tom Wolfe. The right stuff. He doesn't need me to recommend that he's dead. Read the book. It's my tongue wolf. I write stuff. He doesn't need me to recommend that he's dead. Okay.

Right. This is from asking which generation you're from, Josh. Because I'm saying, I think we're both millennials. Yes. New millennial. Like, the first millennials. So we're old millennials. Dear Rob and Josh, just finished listening to a podcast.

I wanted to drop a message on the conversation of generation groups you're right in thinking we shouldn't be grouped in with the crazy millennials there's actually a sub-generation of people

like us born from 77 to 83 that's me but that's not you called exennials exennials we are

categorised as having an analogue childhood and digital young adulthood yes that's what you are thought you might find it interesting keep doing what you're doing we are categorised as having an analogue childhood and digital young adulthood. Yes. So that's what you are. I thought you might find it interesting.

Keep doing what you're doing. It makes my week just that bit better getting to listen to your shenanigans. Yeah. You're an ex-annual, mate. I'm an ex-annual. When was you born? 83. Everything falls into place.

Yeah, 83. There you go. Ah, beach valuables tip, Josh. You know who's worried about your watch on holiday? Oh, I got an absurd beach valuable tip earlier I got a DM on Instagram so they said put it in a nappy yes that's the one I've got here

I have a solution to Josh and his stiff neck watch when he's on the beach the best place to hide belongings inside a nappy roll it up like a dirty nappy no one is taking that no but they'll just take the bag they don't read through the bag and go I'll get rid of the nappy. Yeah, but leave the,

leave the, like a nappy inside a bag but rolled up like on the towel because then they'll take the actual bag that looked like you have.

Oh yeah, but Rob, then the waiter comes past and he goes, the waiter comes past, he goes, I'm clearing up. No, you could stay,

no. I'll get rid of that. The guy that's clearing up the beach goes, oh, look, someone's left their towel and a nappy. I'll get rid of the nappy. Suddenly you'll go into them and going, I've got a stiff neck. You could stay at a seven-star hotel. They're not picking up used nappies, mate.

No one. That is a parent job. No one is getting anyone to pick up a used nappy. You leave your stiff neck watch, their words, not mine, in a fucking nappy. Also, where's my nappy? I'm on holiday without my kids.

True, that would be weird. Yeah. We've got another one about you struggling to walk on the sand because it's hard. This is not a great day for Josh, is it? Just enjoy the fucking packing is that then you know obviously like you've spoken before about getting a bit overwhelmed and being busy but these are now just helpful like you just surviving physically as well as

after listening to your episode about josh burning his feet in ibiza here's a tip i use abroad wear trainer socks when you get to the sea, take them off, put them in your pocket, then put them back on when you get out. What? This works especially well at water parks instead of wearing flip-flops and having to leave them at the top of the rides.

Regards, Ginger Dave. No, you're not wearing little trainer socks, all soggy and sandy. You'd look weird, wouldn't you? Oh, Ginger Dave, the train driver. I think you're a bit weird, mate, that is. That would be weirder than just having hot feet wouldn't it weirder than putting you watching a nappy while someone watches you put your watch in a fucking nappy and then steals it right here we go here's one boomer and then we'll do um small business yeah here we go

hi rob and josh in the mid 70s my mum brought a strange purple vegetable which none of us had ever seen before an aubergine i was about eight years old at the time and stood as my mum brought a strange purple vegetable which none of us had ever seen before, an aubergine. I was about eight years old at the time and stood as my mum chopped up this strange thing by the sink. She walked away from the sink and I stood there looking at these curious little cubes and couldn't resist picking one up and eating it. At this exact moment, my dad walked into the kitchen and seeing me eating the vegetable told me very matter-of-factly that aubergine was poisonous and there was no cure.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I spent the next hour packing a little case he used to have and walking around the house saying goodbye to everything what i sat down on the sofa waiting for the inevitable end that is horrific oh my god that is bleak you think that my dad might have let me in on the truth after a minute or two but you know he got distracted and forgot what he'd done this went on for two hours oh my god boom apparently his finest all the best nick from little hampton that is this petrifies me because a little throwaway comment yeah well like they're poisonous actually little wink but if the kid don't see the wink nick from little hampton sat there with his little bag also as well if your kid's eating vegetables at least encourage them you don't need to pack a bag if you're gonna die well i i don't think you should criticize the eight-year-old for how how they thought at the time it was best to pass away yeah good point

good point all right do you want to small business yeah all right lads the wife and i started a new business venture hiring out soft play and bouncy castles for kids birthdays christenings weddings etc the company is called the little ones soft play co and you can find us on instagram under at the little ones soft play co and on facebook under the little ones soft play co you can also email us on you guessed it little ones soft play co at gmail.com we have a range of different packages and different prices and are looking to add more equipment in the near future if and when we secure more bookings we are based in manchester and can cover surrounding areas love the pod come to watch your live show manchester which is brilliant keep up the good work there you go the little one soft

play co fill your boots hi rob and josh even though i don't have kids i love the podcast so thank you for keeping me entertained during lockdown i was wondering if you'd shout out my mum's small business. My mum Fiona and her partner Roberto have a street food pizza business. Oh, I don't need a pizza, mate. Street food pizza business called The Gorilla Kitchen, based in West Sussex, around Worthing Brighton specifically. They take great pride in sourcing amazing authentic ingredients.

Their pizzas truly are the best. If you're ever touring down south, they'd love for you to come and try a pizza. Social media and website below. Instagram, the underscore gorilla underscore kitchen. Website, thegorillakitchen.com. Thanks again. Ellie. Right, I'll see you soon, Josh.

Bye. Psst, it's me, Alan. There's no place like London's Hackney Empire this September, or so I'm told. With shows from three of the UK's top comedians. Join team captain of 8 Out of 10 Catsters Countdown, John Richardson. Recent I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here star, Sean Walsh. And me, Alan Carr. We're all visiting Hackney Empire this September with our critically acclaimed tour shows.

Ooh la-di-da. Tickets available from hackneyempire.co.uk. See you there, my loves.