Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP14: Jessica Fostekew

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

 Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian - Jessica Fostekew. You can follow Jessica here; Instagram: @jessicafostekew Twitter: @jes...sicafostekew And keep an eye out for her new tour later this year and any other updates HERE! Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: Hello@lockdownparenting.co.uk INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: hello@keepitlightmedia.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with say rob beckett and can you say josh widdicombe that was efficient josh yeah bang i was expecting more
Starting point is 00:00:49 but he got the job done and i'm more in quantity not quality yeah oh yeah it was except exactly the amount of quality i was looking for here's jack jack is 23 months old his dad is 399 months old oh big exciting 400 coming up. He's obsessed with all things vehicles and makes us laugh with his sayings such as ambience for ambience and Sharon for orange. We have no idea why. The podcast is so good. It makes me regularly cry with laughter on my commute. Thanks, Sarah.
Starting point is 00:01:20 Age 399. Oh, they're the same month old. Isn't that lovely? Dad and the mum are both 399 months old. Their parents had sex in the same month. That's a weird way to look at it. It is. Yeah, the same month and year, probably day.
Starting point is 00:01:38 Quite a sexy day that, Josh. Josh, I'm at my limit of people posting pictures of their kids going to school on Instagram. Yeah. It's Friday. Kids went going to school on Instagram. Yeah. It's Friday. Kids went back to school this week. Summer Monday. Some Wednesday wankers went back on Wednesday. I just don't want to see children by a front door anymore.
Starting point is 00:01:55 No. I just don't give a fuck about your kid going to school, Josh. And I certainly don't want to see what they look like. Who's pushed you over the edge? Well, no, it's just constant. I think it's more, though, to be honest, I've calmed down now the week's gone on, but it was more the Monday and Tuesday when my kids weren't going back till Wednesday.
Starting point is 00:02:09 Yeah, yeah. That's been my main problem. That's a kick in the Jaffas, big star. I knew he was going to say Jaffas. That's coming in your new one, isn't it? Let me tell you something. I'll tell you that for free. That was a right kick in the Jaffas.
Starting point is 00:02:20 Well, I've had a lot more kicks in the Jaffas than things for free recently. Oh, here's something, right? Here's a kick in the Jaffas. Go on. Give me some Jaff kick. Rose bought some strawberries. You know when Rose doesn't look at the sizes of things correctly?
Starting point is 00:02:30 Oh, yes, of course. The Rice Krispies. The Rice Krispies, you remember, obviously. Yeah. Oh, for crying out loud. That's another one of yours. You're like Woody from Toy Story. You should just get a string in your back,
Starting point is 00:02:42 and I could just pull it when I need one of those lines. There's a snake in my boot. So she bought, she bought some blueberries and strawberries and mushrooms. So I've put, I've put Rose's sunglasses
Starting point is 00:02:56 in there for, for, scale. For perspective. Yep, that is a lot of, that's, I take too many blueberries.
Starting point is 00:03:03 Do you want to know how many strawberries it is? That must have been about 15 quids. Yeah, 66 strawberries, Rob. My girls would smash them, though, but that's the size of strawberries we buy. 66, is it? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:14 And how long does that last you? A couple of days. Fuck off. They will hammer through that. What's going on in your house? They must be shitting like nothing. They do. They're very regular.
Starting point is 00:03:27 It's good for you though, isn't it, strawberries? Are they good ones or bad sugars? They're good. I don't understand fruit. I just think fruit's good for you, isn't it? Come on. Give us something. Give us a fucking break.
Starting point is 00:03:38 Let fruit be good for you. In a world where fruit's not good, there's actually lots of sugar that way. Yeah, what are we doing anymore if you can't have fruit? I agree. No one's ever had a heart attack because they've eaten too many bananas. They probably have. Let me Google it.
Starting point is 00:03:51 They probably have. Don't write in. Don't write in. Trigger walled into anyone who's lost someone for a banana. I used to work with a man in Waterstones, Rob, who was afraid of bananas. My mate's like that. He's literally terrified terrified make him feel sick
Starting point is 00:04:05 yeah he has to and so if anyone in the in the staff roommate a banana he'd have to leave oh well josh is this you couldn't have been more wrong about bananas this study analyzed 25 000 older british people those who regularly ate potassium rich food like bananas were 13 less likely to end up having a heart attack or stroke but 43 more likely to have a very funny fall really nice i added a bit but yeah actually potassium is good for you get it up yeah oh there you go munch on munch on banana munch on i've had a carrot munches i've had a banana munches get munching what's your top three fruits rob and then we'll bring our guest on oh question question question okay here we go let's talk to me here mangoes up there yeah pineapple but it all depends he's
Starting point is 00:05:02 keeping it tropical he's keeping it tropical it He's keeping it tropical. It's like, lilk my belly. I'd say, but then you got, it's a pink lady apples. Absolutely sensational. It's cold. I love a watermelon.
Starting point is 00:05:14 Very refreshing. It depends on the weather as well, but I'd say watermelon, mango and pineapple. They're my top three. Really? Really? Oh,
Starting point is 00:05:23 a good strawberry strawberry but strawberries can just be a bit tasteless i've got to say even in your fruit tastes you know you make it clear you're a man who likes to holiday like even in your even in your fruit taste you're imagining you're imagining yourself on a on a lilo in a swoop or eating your mango your pineapple i don't like eating fruit in the cold. No, fair enough, fair enough. Fruit in the cold's horrible. You're going to say this is absolutely classic Widdicombe.
Starting point is 00:05:51 Oh, I bet it's going to be a horrible Bramley apple, something like that, a big green cookie. Granny Smith, thank you very much. Oh, you dirty, dry, sandpilfer, tongue, plim of prick. Horrible. When you eat a Granny Smith, anything called Granny Smith, of course you like Granny classic granny smith just the way god intended the apple
Starting point is 00:06:10 mouth itchy okay what else is up there granny smith i love a strawberry don't get me wrong the strawberry for me is hovering around third or fourth it's in the champions league for me this strawberry but i've had too many under par strawberries recently and it's annoying me but if you get a good one and you
Starting point is 00:06:29 don't want cold strawberries you need them to be room temp and then i'm gonna go grapefruit love a grapefruit are you okay that's not even a fruit i don't even class that as fruit it's like battery acid grapefruit cutting off of a spoon my mum used to give me. Oh, yes, please. Eating the bottom of a fucking boot. I see grapefruit in a hotel buffet under the air. I just, what kind of weird evacuee OAPs have they got in this hotel that are chomping on a grapefruit like it's some sort of magic? It's disgusting grapefruit.
Starting point is 00:07:02 Horrible. Absolutely. What do you get out of it? It's all Absolutely. What did you get out of it? It's all sour. What did I get out of it? Joy. What's the taste? Sour.
Starting point is 00:07:11 Right, so you've got a Granny Smith. Are you doing this to banter, to try and make it different to mine? No, I'm not. This isn't like you're doing it on purpose. I'm not pranking you. Okay, what's your third? I've said strawberry. I like a strawberry. you're not is this isn't like you're doing it on purpose we're like you're trying to drinking you okay what's your third i've said strawberry i like a strawberry right okay strawberry granny smith grapefruit grapes are nice though i like a grape a red grape not a green grape i love a green grape because he does absolutely because he does this is why it works, Rob. This is why.
Starting point is 00:07:45 I can't believe. I just, when you get wrapped up in your world, I just can't believe people like you exist. When I see a grapefruit in a shop, I'm like, who's buying that? Here I come along, porridge and grapefruit for breakfast. Do you like mango? Yeah, I do like mango. But not as much as a grapefruit.
Starting point is 00:08:03 So if there's a mango in front of you and a grapefruit you're going grapefruit yeah i mean i can't specify enough how much that's that's how it works with favorites that's how it works with favorites i'd pick it over the other one who's our guest today rob who's our guest today and what are their favorite fruits well we can ask them but i don't know if i remember actually i drove you to oxford once and i said to you, cause I didn't know you that well. You brought this up about a hundred times. I was not sure I did.
Starting point is 00:08:30 I didn't say this. If you had to pick one vegetable to eat for the rest of your life and one fruit. I didn't say this. You said, are we really having this conversation? Well, whoopie doo, look where we are 15 years later. In our own alley, we call it entertainment. And do and you know what i found it quite entertaining i did and i stand by that question the first time i said it i said are we really having this conversation yeah you you interrupted me because i hadn't finished my sentence i wanted to say i'm
Starting point is 00:08:57 not recording it because it's that good are we really having this conversation and not recording it look we really have this conversation now in a car and not recording it for a podcast, for a show that we haven't done yet. Yeah, and you just said, what's a podcast? I don't think you even had sex by then. Never mind had kids. I had sex. Come on.
Starting point is 00:09:15 Oh, God. Get the old grapefruits out. He's ready to go. Right. Guest today, Josh. I'm excited about this guest. I love Jess. Jess Foster-Kew, who we've gigged with for years,
Starting point is 00:09:25 haven't we? She's very funny. Very funny. She's got, she's got kids. She's got kids. We talked to her about it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:32 That's how it works. We haven't done the interview yet. That's why we're doing it. That's why we do. Normally we go, oh, this is great. We've done it.
Starting point is 00:09:38 We're actually about to do it. No, I know it's going to be great, but there's no point. I could be like, oh, and it's really interesting when, you know,
Starting point is 00:09:44 yeah, exactly. So we've got nothing to say now. Because all comedians really, this is why this works for us, because we're all egomaniac narcissist nutters. What? How dare you? So at a gig, all you're really talking about is other comedians you dislike and how your jokes went.
Starting point is 00:09:58 So I don't really know much about Jess's kid, and that's what I'm going to find out now with the listener. Here we go. Enjoy. about jess's kid and that's what i'm gonna find out now with the listener here we go enjoy jess foster q welcome to the show thanks for coming on jess i've not seen you for ages i know a million years thanks for having me i know now we're all grown up and got kids and stuff i know gross it's awful isn't it yeah talk us Talk us through your at-home setup, if you don't mind. Well, if you do mind, this is going to be a very short episode.
Starting point is 00:10:30 Really short. I don't really like talking about my kids, actually. I prefer not to talk about my family. Yeah, I've got one seven-year-old human boy. And then it's all quite complicated and modern. Yeah, that's what we're here for. We love complicated and modern. Complicated and modern, love it.
Starting point is 00:10:48 Yeah. We're two complicated and modern guys. Well, we're not complicated, are we, Rob? I don't think I'm very modern. I think I'm a guy. At the moment, I'm sort of 89% sure of. I think I'm complicated and modern. Okay.
Starting point is 00:11:04 What a great team. So I live with my complicated and modern. Okay. What a great team. So I live with my girlfriend and my son. And my son also lives, I'd say, about a third of the time with his dad, who's 20 minutes walk away down the road. Oh. So that's our setup, yeah. It's not that complicated. It's not that complicated.
Starting point is 00:11:21 But if you saw the spreadsheet that I keep i think most people say so basically we are co-parent with his dad um and then we've sort of got my missus as a backup as a backup i recently learned the word sparent which i thought she'd love because it feels like a nice sort of innovative twist on step parent right rather than step parent is sparent yeah but i said it to her it's like a nice sort of innovative twist on step parent right rather than step parent is spare and yeah but i said it to her it's like oh i've learned this word and she was like nah and i think actually it doesn't make her sound important enough yeah i think i agree with her i think i agree with her it makes you feel slightly like oh yeah that person as well yeah you're here you're here so i might as well give you a name. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like Prince Harry.
Starting point is 00:12:05 Oh, yeah, he's done a whole book called Sparrow. He did a Sparrow. His whole book was called Sparrow. It defined his life. Now, he's modern and complicated. Very modern. Very complicated. Very complicated.
Starting point is 00:12:18 A lot going on over there. So then, excuse my ignorance, Jess, and you don't need to answer that. So you were romantically with Dad. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then a life change happened and then that stopped. That stopped. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:31 No, yeah, we broke up when my son was about three, about four years ago. Yeah. Yeah. And I had intended to be a sort of single parent and single generally and having a really fun life for a couple of years. But infuriatingly fell in love within months.
Starting point is 00:12:49 Oh, that's annoying. Oh, I know. It wasn't, that wasn't the plan. Yeah. But yeah, so now, so now here we are, we are very modern set up. And how does it work when you say you've got a spreadsheet? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:01 So, because I've got friends obviously who are uh co-parenting and they have very set days yeah are you free and easy i've got i've got pilates on a tuesday i've got you know i've got yoga on a wednesday we'll exchange those are you those kind of people so basically in the um i have to like hats off to my son's dad and to my missus and to my son, because basically it has to be like that. Not because we're cool, but because of the nature of my work, basically.
Starting point is 00:13:32 So it's my fault. There's a, there's a, a shared document. Because I, I never, you know, shared exposed.
Starting point is 00:13:39 Yeah. And who's on that? Just you and the dad. Yeah. Nice. The spare is on, but she hasn't got editing property hasn't got editing uh she's on that shit apple one pages or whatever it is she has to get a download a special csv file to access it she's got a pdf printout and and so how
Starting point is 00:13:59 far ahead are you plotting in so mid-month i do, I do the next month. So once I'm past ten, I love planning. I do love planning. Yeah, I'd love that bit. It almost makes me want to split up with Rose, the thought of the spreadsheet. Oh, God, I hope you've been doing this for so long now that she doesn't listen. No, no, she can give a fuck.
Starting point is 00:14:21 She can give a fuck. She only listens to half the episode because that's what she'll get if you broke up. I went through the other day what Rose has consumed of my career output and it is embarrassing. It's like... She's read neither book.
Starting point is 00:14:39 She's watched one episode of my sitcom. She watched one episode of Hypothetical. She hasn't seen The Last Leg since she used to come down to the green room. She could not be less of a fan of me. Well, did you meet your partner at a gig? Because that's the danger, isn't it? Because I met Lou before I was a comedian. But I think it is a weird, slightly odd power dynamic
Starting point is 00:14:59 when audience and performer. But I don't know if you met at a gig or not. No, I didn't meet Steph at a gig. But no i didn't meet steph at a gig but i met we got together during an edinburgh festival but she's a writer she had a play on there she writes like serious proper things and yeah it is funny that even within well less than four years is that that summer when we got together i think she saw that show three times maybe four times brought all her friends and then now yeah i just had a 10 minute short out it was a struggle to get her through that yeah i don't blame her though but don't you want you'll have
Starting point is 00:15:30 to go to one of her serious plays and if she starts coming to your comedy don't do that into all of them all of them they're all heartbreaking i need therapy after every single one of them and that's the problem with that is because it's a play. Yeah. You have to go. Like that's an event you go to. Whereas if it's like a thing that exists, like Rose can just keep kicking it down the thing. Yeah, I am going to read the Parenting Hell book, but I'm just really busy.
Starting point is 00:15:57 Whereas with a play, you have to go. Did you come to the tour show? Rose? Yeah. She came once in London. I think that's fair. fair yeah but it's very much lose the same she come once in london and it's very much like visiting an uncle in prison you have to go once to show that you've not disowned him however you do want that relationship to sort
Starting point is 00:16:19 of peter out so your son's away for some of the time and is there an awful thing is there a freedom to it it's lovely it's lovely it's really nice i didn't know how to ask but thank you there's no i take i it's when it really when i really realized because it was quite new um we it'd only been the setup probably for about six months when we went into the first lockdown and um that's when I really thought oh but yeah I've nailed this because um at that point he had he still he lived on the same road so we were obviously in a bubble and um it was before I lived with my partner and I mean that to get away from a four-year-old every couple of days just for 24 hours was a touch and I found myself whenever I had a job you
Starting point is 00:17:13 know I was talking online with anyone who had a similar setup we'd be going just be like cackling that we weren't still with our partner so that we got like tiny little breaks um i'm sorry to brag but it is it's amazing in terms of like sleep and um oh i don't know you know what it's like when you're like work late whatever like it's just so nice i was thinking this about a friend who's split up you're less liable to think i should sleep sort this sleep issue because you think well in two days they won't be here anyway it's only like it's only like two-thirds of my week i'm having to deal with this so if they're sleeping in my bed that's fine yeah it's um but what has emerged now over the years is that well i used to joke when my son was a toddler that he was sexist but now he's seven um he still is and so that is
Starting point is 00:18:04 a worry, yeah. And where it's really glaring now, well, there's a lot of mansplaining happening at the moment, but generally he will go to bed really nicely at his dad's. He will tidy up at his dad's. He will wash up. He will put things away. He will put dirty clothes where their men are go.
Starting point is 00:18:21 And here he just expects that to be done by at least one of the two women. He's a little sexist. Yeah. Or the other. I don't want to play devil's advocate here, but the dad might be a better parent, Jess. Is that a potential?
Starting point is 00:18:34 Okay, there is that, yeah. There is a shot there. I mean, I don't know. Basically, like, yeah, he just is responding better to the... He's happier to comply to someone he respects. Yeah. Well, my daughters are lose lose me to my daughters they do not respect her yeah but they they they'll listen to me a bit more but i don't know if that's a girl thing because they argue
Starting point is 00:18:58 like they're in they're on a hen do my daughters and my wife my daughter doesn't respect me nearly as much as she respects rose right okay so it's a parenting quality thing in our house i'm not okay but no it's not in jess's he's sexist let's not get away from this obviously a sexist pig yeah yeah do you have to have conversations with your ex about like tactics and discipline and where you draw the line and all that kind of stuff oh god yeah but also i think that that like he is a better parent than me in the sense he's just got much much clearer more consistent boundaries but he's also like he's way rulesier than me so we just have to like it's very hard to have a consistent front on that thing and like i don't know he'll be much stingier about what my son can watch right right what are you letting him watch, Andrew Tate?
Starting point is 00:19:49 GB News or Bust in my house for my son. That's your homeschooling. He's got his Jordan Peterson book out again, sat there feet upside down. Read it at night. Do you, with him, do you have a situation where, like, will he play you off against each other and say, my dad lets me do this?
Starting point is 00:20:04 Oh, I suppose he doesn't. I wonder if he's playing his dad each other and say, my dad lets me do that? Oh, I suppose he doesn't. I wonder if he's playing his dad off against you saying my mum lets me do this. Yeah, he'll definitely be doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he's also, I mean, he's also sort of openly embarrassed about me to his dad and in public. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:17 He'd be like, oh, my mum's language is disgusting. He's always like bragging about. And he says out loud within the last 24 hours, he said out loud to me, you're not a very good parent. Oh, God. That age, they do start to get quite chippy, don't they? They get a bit confident.
Starting point is 00:20:35 He's sassbag. He's really... But it's all a little smirk. And annoyingly, it's quite funny. Yeah, because they're trying to wind you up. That's what we find. They'll say anything like Lou went out
Starting point is 00:20:46 the other day and put an outfit on and my daughter says she's seven are you going out like that mum is that what you're wearing is it
Starting point is 00:20:56 and I'm just like yes but that is like but she doesn't she's just sort of trying to wind her up like wind her up
Starting point is 00:21:03 about anything but doesn't really realise that some people might be really insecure about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were at, yesterday I dragged him to the gym because they can just sort of like sit and do the colouring or whatever. And someone was saying, someone in the gym said, sniff, like sniff my disgusting wrist wrap things.
Starting point is 00:21:24 They smell of vinegary and cheese oh thank god thank god it ended like that jess i was gonna say to your child no no no to me but my son was like can i smell it can i smell it and um she was like yeah yeah and he smelled it was like whoa and he got a big laugh off that and then he went that smells worse than my mom's bum. And that got a massive laugh. Yeah, that's going to get a huge laugh, of course. But then he just cracks on, you know, everyone's moved on, everyone's just carrying on
Starting point is 00:21:51 with whatever they're doing in the gym and he's still there shouting, my mum's bum stinks. And you're like, oh God. And I was like, love, can you stop now? It was really funny the first time, but can you stop now? And he went, ah, he never gets old.
Starting point is 00:22:06 Where's he got that from that is heartbreaking though when your kids say something funny and everyone laughs you know oh that you know what fair play that was pretty funny and then they keep doing it and it gets less funny and then you're like you're actually embarrassing me now yeah i can't be associated with this level of banter it's not so on a stag do in the banter sheet you sort of just drift off to the corner of the pub like i don't want anyone to know i'm actually part of that group but when they're young they don't do any better and they just keep churning it out yeah same joke again and again and again until it's arid until people are not just not laughing they're angry. What's it like taking your son to the gym?
Starting point is 00:22:45 Because you have a situation, you're a big weightlifter, aren't you? Not a big weightlifter, you're big into weightlifting. Yeah, both times, yeah. Have you always been into weightlifting? Oh, no. I got into it in my sort of early 30s, sort of a little bit. And you compete, don't you? I have some, yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:02 I do CrossFit, it's like a cult. It calls itself a sport, but it's a brand and a company. ButFit, it's like a cult, it's like, it calls itself a sport, but it's a, it's a brand and a company, but yeah, it's very addictive. And what can you lift? Oh,
Starting point is 00:23:10 what do you mean? Deadlift? Uh, yeah. Oh, ancestral, oh, ancestral man,
Starting point is 00:23:14 I don't lift nothing. Oh, bloody weak arms, I mean, I don't know either, I don't, I don't go to the gym. Weak arms is my favourite insult.
Starting point is 00:23:21 Look at those, look at those. Look at those. They look pretty good, actually, Josh. Bit of definition there. That was actually... That looks better than I thought it was going to. I didn't know you wanked with your left arm.
Starting point is 00:23:31 Weird for a righty. So, does your son want to do weightlifting? Yeah, he does do it. He goes to kids' Olympic weightlifting classes, yeah. Kids' Olympic weightlifting classes. Amazing. so the woman that runs my gyms uh like a was a commonwealth olympic weightlifter so that's the one where you just do this two lifts a snatch and a clean jerk and it's very like it is strength-based but it's also really technical it's almost like a dance there's a lot of like moving up and down at the same time and that kind of stuff and so um i think kids are actually sort of naturally really good at it because they've got
Starting point is 00:24:08 like effortless mobility and um endless energy so what's he lifting he's not lifting much so um it's all about technique the deadlift josh it's all about technique then you build up so what's funny with that yeah if if kids compete um unders, they're not judged. Like, whoever lifts the most isn't the winner. Your score will be made up of how good you look when you're doing it, basically, how well you're doing the movement. Oh, right. Not just, like, if they're a particularly, like, pretty child.
Starting point is 00:24:40 I tell you what, it's three kilograms, but look at this guy's smile. Those eyes. Oh, is he enjoying it? Does he, but look at this guy's smile. Those eyes. Oh, is he enjoying it? Does he like it? Yeah, he loves it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, there's going to be an age where he's not going to want to do it because no one wants to go and do the sport their parent does.
Starting point is 00:24:55 Exactly. Yeah, so I'm just enjoying it while it lasts. He's going to hate it at any time. How do you feel about that as he gets older and stuff like that? Because, like you say, he's got quite a modern and complicated setup at home and then he's at primary school and to go to secondary school is that something you think about or you're preparing for or have answers for him and stuff or do you think what i don't know i mean i don't know how to prepare for it to be honest oh god i'm sure a better parent would have thought about that no i agree i think you
Starting point is 00:25:22 can't prepare for a situation that doesn't exist exactly like and actually even explaining the current setup to a seven-year-old is so i mean it's funny because you don't they don't understand romantic love they don't understand the difference between that and you and at this age he still is like well i mean ideally you'll marry me and even if right yeah that would be modern and complicated that would be modern and complicated I went out that modern throwback retro if anything
Starting point is 00:25:50 so I've explained it as best I can and it's so hard because you can't say like well he was like well I remember really early on so it was a few years ago he was like well Jacob is my boyfriend and it's sort of his best friend as my friend's son lives miles away and barely sees him and i said yeah i mean the thing is he sort of isn't and he's like uh he is and i was like okay all right and he's like what
Starting point is 00:26:17 is the difference and i was like um i suppose it's more like i just can't how do you explain it you know do you want to rip all their clothes and i was i probably mucked it right up because at one point he went wow i love jacob and i'm holding his hand if he wants maybe to cross the road but he's not getting a kiss and i was like you know fair enough absolutely fair enough um and i thought he'd explained our setup to his friends at school and um i had a big wake-up call that he hadn't when he had um a friend round for a play date i'll call her ivy and um she was like really sweet she's one of those like at the time six year olds that's like got the energy of a 18 year old just tall and glorious and rides a big white
Starting point is 00:27:06 bike and just really cool just cool like an adult in a kid's body as soon as she walked in she was like oh let's have a look around your house like yeah i like i've seen other people's houses um and and my partner steph was around for the whole of this play date and then towards the end Steph went out and Ivy went, so, um, that woman, she went, she went, she just,
Starting point is 00:27:33 um, she just popped around whenever she wants. So I didn't realize Rudy hadn't explained it. That's my, that's my girlfriend. That's my partner. And she just sort of took it in and then went, Oh, well, I didn't realise Rudy hadn't explained it. That's my girlfriend. That's my partner. And she just sort of took it in and then went, oh, well, I suppose it's fine to be gay,
Starting point is 00:27:52 but I do want to meet the dad. And it wasn't, there was no, like, malice in it, but obviously she was like, well, I haven't completed the set. Yes. That's annoying. I thought that was a cleaner. Obviously, you know, he'll be talking about his mum and dad
Starting point is 00:28:06 at school and stuff so she's expecting to see both if she's not knowing the set up. But the kids are so funny. And he thought potentially he's maybe
Starting point is 00:28:14 mentioned this other woman who pops around whenever she likes. Yeah. That's amazing. The old spare, the spare parent. The spare parent.
Starting point is 00:28:20 Oh, that's so good. And so, that's the thing as well. You don't want to go, you don't want to go you don't explain over explain and go just so you know this might come up do you know what i mean yeah oh it's really tricky there was i mean it's there was a thing a while it was a while ago there was a thing where he is really his school quite chilled out and they're allowed to like paint their nails or whatever if they want and he's into that like he's got his load of his own nail varnishes and he wanted to do his nails for school and there was a kid at school he stopped
Starting point is 00:28:48 doing it and i asked why i was like just stop feeling like doing that and he was like no the and he said these two lads names he was like they keep going it's gay it's gay and i was like okay and it's that thing where that's the first so far far, only one. I mean, they're so young, but where it's been like, oh, God. And actually I had a conversation with his dad, and I thought, what is the point? And he, to be fair, his dad was more sort of than me, was like, do you think we should say something? I think we should say something because,
Starting point is 00:29:17 and I thought, I don't know that we should. I don't think the kids realise, not this young anyway, I was like, I don't think those five and six-year-olds have any idea what they're saying, really. I don't think they understand it. Yeah, they will have heard that. Or from an older kid, do you know what I mean? But equally, also the thing that clinched it for me was, my son's not that offended because he doesn't understand what they're saying. And I was like, why make him more upset than the, he's not that upset by that.
Starting point is 00:29:45 He's just a word that he thinks is thrown around. And we sort of did vaguely say, you don't really say that word to mean rubbish. Yeah. And we sort of explained that bit and he was like, all right. Where are you living? Are you in London? South East London, yeah, Lewisham.
Starting point is 00:29:57 South East Lewisham, yeah. I mean... Your end, Rob. My end. So, you know, I've lived around there for years. I've moved out a bit further now, but it's not like the most progressive place in certain areas of it like where you are in east london josh is a little bit more like you you're going it's a bit more creative but southeast
Starting point is 00:30:12 london you still do get them old school southeast london types that will say stuff like i've got to send family to say stuff and i most family occasions i end up having a row and leaving and i'm just like you just can't say that and lou goes oh and i go no we can't you can't talk we're talking about and then i'll be in like a church or a christmas guy no you can't say that why can't i say that well you can't right no but i'm only joking yeah it's not really a joke is it how do you know well if anyone should it should be me it's actually my job. So I find it very difficult. So yeah, that's it. Yeah. But it is tricky though.
Starting point is 00:30:48 And ultimately as well, whatever happens to your child at school, whether it is about your own setup or about other things, there's a million things kids get teased about or stuff shouted at them. You can only really do so much. The school needs to be on top of it,
Starting point is 00:31:02 but it's sort of helping the kid to learn how to deal with it because the reality is you and their dad can't sort that out. They sort of have to do it but you can be supportive but it is tricky because you want to be too involved but then not enough. It's a balance. Also, it'll be 10 and they'll be benching 100kg
Starting point is 00:31:18 so it's fine. Exactly. Or it'll be 7kg but it'll be so handsome no one will care in either way. He's on to that big winner. Yeah, same thing. Better both. How's the summer holiday been?
Starting point is 00:31:31 Oh, long. But you get the breaks, I suppose. You're obsessed with the breaks, Josh. I'm so sorry. I'm getting divorced for a fucking lie down. Do you want to see other people? No, I don't want to see anyone. That's the point.
Starting point is 00:31:45 I just want to be alone. That's the point. I just want to be alone. That's the point of this. Yeah, summer has been fun, I think, because normally I sort of ruin everyone's summer by doing the fringe up in Edinburgh, and I'm not doing that this year. So I've really, like, put a shift in. What have you done?
Starting point is 00:32:03 What's been on the agenda this summer then jess what have you um oh god now i feel like i'm nothing particularly special um we went to france with some friends i'd say the worst that if you've done nothing and the worst you've done to parent there's some more the listeners will like you you're on a win-win here yeah take him down to my mum's indoors it went to france with friends and that was a touch like i did i'm so used to like getting in all the sticker books getting everything ready for a week away doing and i got there and this is the first time he's been old enough as soon as we got there oh my god i've got a story for you as soon as we got there just off with
Starting point is 00:32:40 other kids that's it i barely saw him for the first time in nearly eight years i read a book on a holiday and that was a game changer so when we arrived right so it's a mate's parents have got this place in france they've had for a long long time and the parents were still there when we arrived um just for like a half hour before they left and we got there rudy and i my son and i had been awake since 2am to get a 6am flight he was wild by this point I was really hoping he would sleep in the hire car and when we got there he was still awake and the parents were still there
Starting point is 00:33:12 so they're like lovely they're in their 70s I've known them all my life my son goes out and starts to get straight in the pool right with the other kids and we're all chatting away and it's all quite polite because they're my elders and then someone said oh I think Rudy's having a wee in that hedge chatting away and it's all quite polite because you know they're my elders and then um i was like someone said i think rudy's having a wee in that hedge and um i was like oh um and uh my friend
Starting point is 00:33:32 said uh i don't think it's a wee it looks like it's having a shit and my friend's mum whose house it was and whose lavender bush it was that my son had dropped trowel his mate in the pool had said he said i need a poo and his friend had gone you can go in the bush if you want thinking he'll never do it he did it he dropped his trunks and curled out an adult size shit right into the lavender bush right in front of my friend's mum who planted that lavender bush oh my god and she went i hope he's not and i was like oh god i can see it i can see it curling out i like ran out i was like what are you doing he was like and i was like why i needed it jacob said and i was like don't you don't everyone's just watching we're all just sat watching you do a shit and he was like i'm doing it now and i was like okay i'm gonna finish it now
Starting point is 00:34:23 and i just i'll stand in front of you i had to get someone's doggy poop bag i had to like scoop a hot fucking adult size shit into a dog poop bag i was like okay go inside and wipe let's go and have a shower and then i was like what do i do with the shit my friend was like wait wait till they're not looking and then just chuck it in that field it was was... It's diabolical. And then a dog came over. While he was finishing it, a dog came over, kept trying to eat it.
Starting point is 00:34:50 Oh, my God. Oh, God. It was so gross. It was so gross. It was so embarrassing for him and for me. He's just crying because I've gone in too heavy
Starting point is 00:34:58 with the why are you shitting? Oh, no. Because once you're shitting, you can't stop shitting. And then you're feeling guilty for making it a bigger event. Exactly. I felt guilty for making it a bigger event. Exactly. I felt guilty for making him feel like shit.
Starting point is 00:35:07 The only person who loved every second of it was my friend's kid who'd told him to do it. So he's the real villain in this. He was delighted. No, I mean, he's also seven, but he was like, hee hee hee. And his mum said, Jacob, did you make him do that? And he went, it was massive. It was massive. It was massive.
Starting point is 00:35:24 Oh, God. You just laugh it off if you're the homeowner. Was she laughing about it eventually? They kept it together in front of me. And my friends who are our age loved it. I think the thing is, the lavender smell is so strong, it's going to
Starting point is 00:35:39 take back over. Not as strong as this smell. Lavender is not as strong as human shit. It's not strong enough. Not as strong as human shit. It's got to be the strongest smell known to man you know what also you're never really going to lean over and smell that lavender without knowing yeah you know i mean that that lavender bush just needs imagine though you go back next year it's double in size they'll start shipping him over get him around for two weeks greatest fertilizer known to Matt are you
Starting point is 00:36:10 and you're going on tour right yeah next year next one next year yeah
Starting point is 00:36:15 tickets are on sale in October we'll put it on our social media what's the show called
Starting point is 00:36:19 thank you metal M-E-T-T-L-E I've picked such I'm not saying I regret it but it is I'm gonna have to explain it and-E I'm not saying I regret it but I'm going to have to
Starting point is 00:36:26 explain it and spell it every time every time I say it, metal as in you know, bit of grit trying hard bothering to try hard is what it's sort of about I think it's funny, I think basically the older I get and I just turned 40 so I'm having a moment
Starting point is 00:36:41 congratulations, happy 40 Josh had a complete breakdown, how did you do? so I'm having a moment. Congratulations. Happy 40th. I was turning 40. Josh had a complete breakdown. How did you do? Oh, I did have a wobble. But what's embarrassing is I think I've had a wobble based, I had a wobble before 30, and that's because at 29 I had nothing I knew I wanted. I wanted to love and be loved.
Starting point is 00:36:56 I wanted kids. I wanted to own my own house. I wanted to do well enough at comedy to be allowed on the telly and radio. I wanted to make things I wrote. And now I was like, so what's the wobble about because you have actually got those things so i think the wobble is about my face looks old it doesn't dress it doesn't even look old oh mate it does it looks about 38 it looks fine but look everyone's face looks older than it was i know it's annoying isn't
Starting point is 00:37:23 it not everyone's actually you could you know that's the wobble at 40 is the age thing isn't it because at 30 you want those things you got all those things but the thing you want now jess and i'm sorry to break it to you you can't get yeah oh you can you can't yeah you can if you go down that route yeah i think it would be so off brand if i suddenly went full kardashian but yeah i mean i would get my back fat put in my ass would you yeah a brazilian butt lift but with back fat i just it's just i'd quite like to have more of an ass i've got good legs though i take my legs are good i think i've got leg energy nice but that's mainly because my top half's so heavy, they have to be strong.
Starting point is 00:38:10 Would you get your eyes lasered? I just don't see why you would. I prefer wearing glasses. No, but I was thinking about getting done. Just because it's easier than not having to have glasses with you all the time. Gee, I love wearing glasses. When I'm laying on my front trying to watch TikTok as I slowly pass out, sometimes my glasses get all skewed.
Starting point is 00:38:26 Do you sleep on your front yeah i'm not i'm trying to sleep on my back because that's better for you than on your front but that is my little sort of cozy fetal position how do you sleep jess now you're a weight lifted athlete have you got a specific way side curled up like i'm still in the uterus that's good though for your back being on your side is it yeah i sleep curled up in the uterus. That's good though for your back. Being on your side or your back. Is it? I sleep curled up in the sort of top left-hand corner of my bed because my missus wants to snuggle in and I hate to be touched once I'm trying to go to sleep.
Starting point is 00:38:56 So I sort of like, I'm creeping away from it the whole time. I don't get those people that cuddle up all night next to each other. I do not understand. She wants to chat. We love a bit of that. Do you cuddle up? Oh. So do you go to bed not understand. She wants to chat. We love a bit of that. Do you cuddle up? Oh. So do you go to bed cuddling?
Starting point is 00:39:08 Yeah. It's not like a quick hug. Is it like a spoon? I think the term is spoon, yeah. And doesn't Rose's back get cold when she's spooning you? We will do both ways, Rob. Will we? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:23 So is that a complete 50-50? It's 2023. I like being next to Lou in the bed, but the actual cuddling and holding for like two or three hours, absolutely not. I'd get so hot. Of course, I love a cuddle all day and all night. But apart from those seconds when I'm trying to sleep,
Starting point is 00:39:40 when I actually want to go to sleep, even if a hand is on me, it's like, get off. Yeah, no, I don't like being touched when I'm want to go to sleep, even if a hand is on me, it's like, get off. Yeah, no, I don't like being touched when I'm going to sleep. My brain won't switch off if there's any physical contact. Really? Yeah, but you sleep with the duvet over your head, Josh. Do you cover?
Starting point is 00:39:56 I have the duvet over my head. Do you? How do you breathe? I have my nose and mouth out. But what about Rose when you're spooning her? So the duvet would go over my head and then down and over her shoulder. So you're still covering your face? Of course I am.
Starting point is 00:40:09 I'm not mental. How are we the weird people here, Jess? I don't get it. I just like a snuggle rope. I just like to feel secure and wanted and needed at night. I do in the day and stuff, but not when I'm sleeping. But everyone's different yeah that lou though lou sleeps really high up the bed so like her head's like millimeters away from the headboard where i like being a bit further back so sometimes when i wake up i just feel like my
Starting point is 00:40:34 wife's like seven foot so you're further down yeah so it's not really looking up what's your views on making the bed i don't mind it i'm very efficient at that because I used to be a chambermaid when I was a child Do you do it every day? Yes Rose can't say enjoy being downstairs if she knows the bed isn't made Wow, wow So if we get up she needs it to be made
Starting point is 00:40:58 straight away It could be how you started the grounds for the divorce that you want is that one day you just don't make it Yeah, that is a good idea The day you just don't make it. Yeah, that is a good idea. The day I didn't make the bed and it all went wrong. She knows it's over. So the tour is next year, Jess?
Starting point is 00:41:14 Yeah, tour's next year, yeah. Excited? I am excited. Are you taking the kid with you? No. I will take him when then, oh, hopefully I've arranged it. Has he come to a gig yet?
Starting point is 00:41:23 No. No, he's desperate to. I think he'd heckle. I've arranged it. Has he come to a gig yet? No. No, he's desperate to. I think he'd heckle. I'll take him. I think he'd heckle. I can't trust him not to start shouting about my smelly ass. Yeah, I know, but that's a good five minutes, isn't it? Until you just tell someone to take him away.
Starting point is 00:41:36 Yeah. How do you get your kid kicked out of your own gig? What a story. You can only come to a gig where there's really good security. Yeah. Well, he'll just start shouting, women aren't funny, those old sexist ways it's out i think you need to move him out of southeast london personally jess you created a monster here should we do the final question so the question is how um well basically it's more different when someone when they're separated from their partner but the
Starting point is 00:42:01 question is the best thing and worst thing about the way your partner or co-parent parents, sometimes people don't really ever want to do anything negative, which is understandable when they're no longer together because it might, you know, for the sake of selling a couple of tickets for your tour or a podcast, it's not really worth opening that wound. But it's like, his auntie listens and texts him. No, don't worry, I no don't worry I'll talk in
Starting point is 00:42:25 I'll talk in so what is the one thing about your co-parent your son's dad that they do parenting wise they think oh that's amazing I'm so happy that we've got this child together and one thing that sort of winds you up a little bit and if he was to listen he'd go yeah fair enough she's got a point but you don't have to I don't want to call
Starting point is 00:42:40 dramas I don't know whether he'd say fair enough you've got a point so I think the thing he does brill whether he'd say, fair enough, you've got a point. So I think the thing he does brilliantly, my son's dad is... Fair enough, you've got a point. I love it the next time he dropped the boy off and just took the door and went, fair enough, you've got a point, and she falls off.
Starting point is 00:42:54 Do you think he'll listen to this, Jess? Potentially, yeah. We've got an arrangement where I'm not allowed to do any more stand-up about him ever. But I think podcasts are fair game. Yeah, it's not the joke you're being nice about him aren't you yeah well he is a brilliant dad like he is a classy dad he's a classy ex he's a really yeah he's way better than me exactly yeah proof's in the human son and his behavior with him compared
Starting point is 00:43:22 to with me um what he does brilliantly which I find extraordinary and we're very different, is that he parents without anger ever. He doesn't ever get annoyed. I suppose mildly irritated. And he has big emotions, but he's never angry. He's like the least angry man I've ever met. And that is, I think, so glorious. least angry man i've ever met and that is i think so glorious um and i'm in awe of that because i i get i get really i get really annoyed um um what does he do that um i mean he's gonna hate
Starting point is 00:43:57 this but i'm gonna say it fair enough it's a small thing and I do. Well, because I'm watching my son emulate it and I want it to stop. My ex, his dad, he's like a shit winner at games. He's like, yes, yes, get in, yes. And there's no humility in victory. I think that's just men. I don't think this is a your son or him issue but this is it like when you've got like a man in his 50s going loser to someone who he's just beaten you're like well this seven-year-old doesn't stand a chance oh jess thank you so
Starting point is 00:44:38 much it's been really refreshing to hear someone talking about co-parenting stuff like that if there's anyone listening that's sort of quite anxious about it or it's on the horizon and stuff like that is there any advice you'd give or he's interested in it like i am or just a little bit of tipping over to be pushed into it but like is there any advice you'd give for someone that is now faced with a situation when they are splitting the child's time between two households and two parents i think that you can make up a i think make up a setup that works for you like there are going to be people who are like well for consistency's sake we will need to do something the same that's the same every week
Starting point is 00:45:15 or the same every fortnight but actually like that doesn't work for us so we've been able to be more flexible i think the same you you get such rigid advice about what to do about money what to do about this. Look at your situation and what's going to make both of you feel the best and function the best and the happiest. And then I think this is so, I think there's a lot of emotion and a lot of guilt around ending a relationship when there are kids involved. But it's absolutely possible to do it with the kid's interests are number one. And actually it sort of simplifies the logistics of it. If every decision you make go, well, what is the best for them or him or her? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:53 What is the best, like what's going to be the best thing for the kid in this situation? If we can't work out what to do, then you just go with that option every time, basically. It's a nice like guide to have to, because there's so many decisions that are hard to make if you if you're guided by that then it also can take the edge off any sort of inevitable bits of guilt and emotion here and there that are going to come with it yeah because i imagine like you know say for example like oh he normally has him on saturday i was saying but you're coming back from france really late because that's when the flight was yeah you know and you're getting at 4 a.m and you don't even knock on the door gone actually i have him from nine and this poor kid needs to sleep you know if yeah exactly that exactly that yeah
Starting point is 00:46:29 yeah it's best for the kid and that's it's sort of it's a good sort of starting point isn't it yeah yeah totally and that and it basically just had to be so organized we just have to be really organized and then and that helps right get a spreadsheet get a spreadsheet lemon spreadsheet out well josh why don't you why don't you in the next couple of weeks why don't you put together your proposed how you would split the kids with your eyes and see yeah just a little bit a little pitch document to go look this i'm just saying if it were to happen this is how i think it should run jess thank you so much it's been brilliant good luck with the tour thank you so much jess hey thanks for having me it's been so fun follow Jess on Instagram
Starting point is 00:47:06 for the tour info we'll put it on our Instagram what's your Instagram? at Jessica Foster Q there you go what's your website Jess so I imagine they can sign up
Starting point is 00:47:13 to your mailing list and they'll get an email when the tour's on sale that's true and the new website is coming any second actually it's jessicafosterq.com right
Starting point is 00:47:21 so get on there when it's up mailing list and you'll get tickets you'll be first in line thanks so much Jess that was brilliant thank you thanks for having me cheers bye jess foster q rob i've got to be honest i've got to go and get my neck done by an osteopath of course you have it was it was it too loose or too stiff what's the problem what do you think too fucking stiff mate also yeah osteopathic really loose one how's he
Starting point is 00:47:45 gonna make it stiffer just like wobbling it about in his hands like a pizza though i'll let you know how it goes in the next um love that one i was really good of cheerful as well because it's always good to have people talking about different setups you know i mean yeah so that is really good thanks jess and going to her on tour. We'll put the details up, but sign up to her mailing list. We'll be back on Tuesday. Right, speak to you later, mate. Bye. Bye.
Starting point is 00:48:13 Hello, I'm Giles Brandreth. What's the very first thing you remember? That's the question I'll be asking my famous and fascinating guests in Rosebud, my new podcast about first memories and first experiences. My first memory is handing my Auntie Muriel a piece of turd. Other guests include Dame Judi Dench, Alison Hammond and Rory Stewart. Download and listen wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, I'm Giles Alderson. And I'm
Starting point is 00:48:45 Dom Lenoir. We are filmmakers and we are two of the hosts of the Filmmakers Podcast. Which is a podcast about filmmaking, surprisingly. Where we interview guests from the filmmaking and TV world about how they make their films on TV. Including BAFTA and Oscar winners and the journey and challenges they go through to get them made.
Starting point is 00:49:02 Guests have included Stephen Fry, Joe Wright, Christy Wilson-Cairns, Fernando Moreles, Alice Eve, Mark Strong, and Ian McKellen, just to name a few. And many, many indie filmmakers, all about how they make their films and TV, from micro-budget to studio movies and everything in between. So if you like filmmaking or want to know how films are made, then listen to The Filmmaker's Podcast. Wherever you get your podcasts.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.