Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP14: Jessica Fostekew
Episode Date: September 8, 2023 Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian - Jessica Fostekew. You can follow Jessica here; Instagram: @jessicafostekew Twitter: @jes...sicafostekew And keep an eye out for her new tour later this year and any other updates HERE! Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: Hello@lockdownparenting.co.uk INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: hello@keepitlightmedia.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which
Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky.
So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of
modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or
hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be
honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing
hello you're listening to parenting hell with say rob beckett
and can you say josh widdicombe that was efficient josh yeah bang i was expecting more
but he got the job done and i'm more in quantity not quality yeah oh yeah it was except exactly
the amount of quality i was looking for here's jack jack is 23 months old his dad is 399 months
old oh big exciting 400 coming up.
He's obsessed with all things vehicles and makes us laugh with his sayings such as ambience for ambience and Sharon for orange.
We have no idea why.
The podcast is so good.
It makes me regularly cry with laughter on my commute.
Thanks, Sarah.
Age 399.
Oh, they're the same month old.
Isn't that lovely?
Dad and the mum are both 399 months old.
Their parents had sex in the same month.
That's a weird way to look at it.
It is.
Yeah, the same month and year, probably day.
Quite a sexy day that, Josh.
Josh, I'm at my limit of people posting pictures of their kids going to school on Instagram.
Yeah. It's Friday. Kids went going to school on Instagram. Yeah.
It's Friday.
Kids went back to school this week.
Summer Monday.
Some Wednesday wankers went back on Wednesday.
I just don't want to see children by a front door anymore.
No.
I just don't give a fuck about your kid going to school, Josh.
And I certainly don't want to see what they look like.
Who's pushed you over the edge?
Well, no, it's just constant.
I think it's more, though, to be honest, I've calmed down now the week's gone on,
but it was more the Monday and Tuesday
when my kids weren't going back till Wednesday.
Yeah, yeah.
That's been my main problem.
That's a kick in the Jaffas, big star.
I knew he was going to say Jaffas.
That's coming in your new one, isn't it?
Let me tell you something.
I'll tell you that for free.
That was a right kick in the Jaffas.
Well, I've had a lot more kicks in the Jaffas
than things for free recently.
Oh, here's something, right?
Here's a kick in the Jaffas.
Go on.
Give me some Jaff kick.
Rose bought some strawberries.
You know when Rose doesn't look at the sizes of things correctly?
Oh, yes, of course.
The Rice Krispies.
The Rice Krispies, you remember, obviously.
Yeah.
Oh, for crying out loud.
That's another one of yours.
You're like Woody from Toy Story.
You should just get a string in your back,
and I could just pull it when I need one of those lines.
There's a snake in my boot.
So she bought,
she bought some blueberries
and strawberries
and mushrooms.
So I've put,
I've put Rose's sunglasses
in there for,
for,
scale.
For perspective.
Yep,
that is a lot of,
that's,
I take too many blueberries.
Do you want to know
how many strawberries it is?
That must have been about 15 quids.
Yeah, 66 strawberries, Rob.
My girls would smash them, though,
but that's the size of strawberries we buy.
66, is it?
Yeah.
And how long does that last you?
A couple of days.
Fuck off.
They will hammer through that.
What's going on in your house?
They must be shitting like nothing.
They do.
They're very regular.
It's good for you though, isn't it, strawberries?
Are they good ones or bad sugars?
They're good.
I don't understand fruit.
I just think fruit's good for you, isn't it?
Come on.
Give us something.
Give us a fucking break.
Let fruit be good for you.
In a world where fruit's not good,
there's actually lots of sugar that way.
Yeah, what are we doing anymore if you can't have fruit?
I agree.
No one's ever had a heart attack because they've eaten too many bananas.
They probably have.
Let me Google it.
They probably have.
Don't write in.
Don't write in.
Trigger walled into anyone who's lost someone for a banana.
I used to work with a man in Waterstones, Rob,
who was afraid of bananas.
My mate's like that.
He's literally terrified terrified make him feel sick
yeah he has to and so if anyone in the in the staff roommate a banana he'd have to leave oh
well josh is this you couldn't have been more wrong about bananas this study analyzed 25 000
older british people those who regularly ate potassium rich food like bananas were 13 less likely to end up having a heart attack or stroke
but 43 more likely to have a very funny fall really nice i added a bit but yeah actually
potassium is good for you get it up yeah oh there you go munch on munch on banana munch on
i've had a carrot munches i've had a banana munches get munching
what's your top three fruits rob and then we'll bring our guest on oh question question question
okay here we go let's talk to me here mangoes up there yeah pineapple but it all depends he's
keeping it tropical he's keeping it tropical it He's keeping it tropical. It's like,
lilk my belly.
I'd say,
but then you got,
it's a pink lady apples.
Absolutely sensational.
It's cold.
I love a watermelon.
Very refreshing.
It depends on the weather as well,
but I'd say watermelon,
mango and pineapple.
They're my top three.
Really?
Really?
Oh,
a good strawberry strawberry but strawberries can
just be a bit tasteless i've got to say even in your fruit tastes you know you make it clear you're
a man who likes to holiday like even in your even in your fruit taste you're imagining
you're imagining yourself on a on a lilo in a swoop or eating your mango your pineapple i don't
like eating fruit in the cold.
No, fair enough, fair enough.
Fruit in the cold's horrible.
You're going to say this is absolutely classic Widdicombe.
Oh, I bet it's going to be a horrible Bramley apple,
something like that, a big green cookie.
Granny Smith, thank you very much.
Oh, you dirty, dry, sandpilfer, tongue, plim of prick.
Horrible.
When you eat a Granny Smith, anything called Granny Smith,
of course you like Granny classic granny smith just the
way god intended the apple
mouth itchy okay
what else is up there
granny smith i love
a strawberry don't get me wrong
the strawberry for me is hovering around third
or fourth it's in the champions league for me this
strawberry but i've had too many
under par strawberries recently and it's annoying me but if you get a good one and you
don't want cold strawberries you need them to be room temp and then i'm gonna go grapefruit
love a grapefruit are you okay that's not even a fruit i don't even class that as fruit
it's like battery acid grapefruit cutting off of a spoon my mum used to give me. Oh, yes, please.
Eating the bottom of a fucking boot.
I see grapefruit in a hotel buffet under the air.
I just, what kind of weird evacuee OAPs have they got in this hotel
that are chomping on a grapefruit like it's some sort of magic?
It's disgusting grapefruit.
Horrible.
Absolutely.
What do you get out of it? It's all Absolutely. What did you get out of it?
It's all sour.
What did I get out of it?
Joy.
What's the taste?
Sour.
Right, so you've got a Granny Smith.
Are you doing this to banter, to try and make it different to mine?
No, I'm not.
This isn't like you're doing it on purpose.
I'm not pranking you. Okay, what's your third? I've said strawberry. I like a strawberry. you're not is this isn't like you're doing it on purpose we're like you're trying to drinking you
okay what's your third i've said strawberry i like a strawberry right okay strawberry granny
smith grapefruit grapes are nice though i like a grape a red grape not a green grape i love a
green grape because he does absolutely because he does this is why it works, Rob. This is why.
I can't believe.
I just, when you get wrapped up in your world,
I just can't believe people like you exist.
When I see a grapefruit in a shop, I'm like, who's buying that?
Here I come along, porridge and grapefruit for breakfast.
Do you like mango?
Yeah, I do like mango.
But not as much as a grapefruit.
So if there's a mango in front of you and a grapefruit you're going grapefruit yeah i mean i can't specify enough how much
that's that's how it works with favorites that's how it works with favorites i'd pick it over the
other one who's our guest today rob who's our guest today and what are their favorite fruits
well we can ask them but i don't know if i remember actually i drove you to oxford once
and i said to you,
cause I didn't know you that well.
You brought this up about a hundred times.
I was not sure I did.
I didn't say this.
If you had to pick one vegetable to eat for the rest of your life and one fruit.
I didn't say this.
You said, are we really having this conversation?
Well, whoopie doo, look where we are 15 years later.
In our own alley, we call it entertainment. And do and you know what i found it quite entertaining
i did and i stand by that question the first time i said it i said are we really having this
conversation yeah you you interrupted me because i hadn't finished my sentence i wanted to say i'm
not recording it because it's that good are we really having this conversation and not recording
it look we really have this conversation now in a car and not recording it for a podcast,
for a show that we haven't done yet.
Yeah, and you just said, what's a podcast?
I don't think you even had sex by then.
Never mind had kids.
I had sex.
Come on.
Oh, God.
Get the old grapefruits out.
He's ready to go.
Right.
Guest today, Josh.
I'm excited about this guest.
I love Jess.
Jess Foster-Kew, who we've gigged with for years,
haven't we?
She's very funny.
Very funny.
She's got,
she's got kids.
She's got kids.
We talked to her about it.
Yeah.
That's how it works.
We haven't done the interview yet.
That's why we're doing it.
That's why we do.
Normally we go,
oh,
this is great.
We've done it.
We're actually about to do it.
No,
I know it's going to be great,
but there's no point.
I could be like,
oh,
and it's really interesting when,
you know,
yeah,
exactly.
So we've got nothing to say now.
Because all comedians really, this is why this works for us,
because we're all egomaniac narcissist nutters.
What? How dare you?
So at a gig, all you're really talking about is other comedians you dislike
and how your jokes went.
So I don't really know much about Jess's kid,
and that's what I'm going to find out now with the listener.
Here we go.
Enjoy. about jess's kid and that's what i'm gonna find out now with the listener here we go enjoy
jess foster q welcome to the show thanks for coming on jess i've not seen you for ages i
know a million years thanks for having me i know now we're all grown up and got kids and stuff i
know gross it's awful isn't it yeah talk us Talk us through your at-home setup, if you don't mind.
Well, if you do mind, this is going to be a very short episode.
Really short.
I don't really like talking about my kids, actually.
I prefer not to talk about my family.
Yeah, I've got one seven-year-old human boy.
And then it's all quite complicated and modern.
Yeah, that's what we're here for.
We love complicated and modern.
Complicated and modern, love it.
Yeah.
We're two complicated and modern guys.
Well, we're not complicated, are we, Rob?
I don't think I'm very modern.
I think I'm a guy.
At the moment, I'm sort of 89% sure of.
I think I'm complicated and modern.
Okay.
What a great team. So I live with my complicated and modern. Okay. What a great team.
So I live with my girlfriend and my son.
And my son also lives, I'd say, about a third of the time with his dad,
who's 20 minutes walk away down the road.
Oh.
So that's our setup, yeah.
It's not that complicated.
It's not that complicated.
But if you saw the spreadsheet that I keep i think most people say so basically we are co-parent with his dad um and then we've sort
of got my missus as a backup as a backup i recently learned the word sparent which i
thought she'd love because it feels like a nice sort of innovative twist on step parent
right rather than step parent is sparent yeah but i said it to her it's like a nice sort of innovative twist on step parent right rather than step parent
is spare and yeah but i said it to her it's like oh i've learned this word and she was like
nah and i think actually it doesn't make her sound important enough yeah i think i agree with her i
think i agree with her it makes you feel slightly like oh yeah that person as well yeah you're here
you're here so i might as well give you a name. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like Prince Harry.
Oh, yeah, he's done a whole book called Sparrow.
He did a Sparrow.
His whole book was called Sparrow.
It defined his life.
Now, he's modern and complicated.
Very modern.
Very complicated.
Very complicated.
A lot going on over there.
So then, excuse my ignorance, Jess,
and you don't need to answer that.
So you were romantically with Dad.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And then a life change happened and then that stopped.
That stopped.
Yeah.
No, yeah, we broke up when my son was about three,
about four years ago.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I had intended to be a sort of single parent
and single generally and having a really fun life
for a couple of years.
But infuriatingly fell in love within months.
Oh, that's annoying.
Oh, I know.
It wasn't, that wasn't the plan.
Yeah.
But yeah, so now, so now here we are,
we are very modern set up.
And how does it work when you say you've got a spreadsheet?
Yeah.
So, because I've got friends obviously who are uh co-parenting and
they have very set days yeah are you free and easy i've got i've got pilates on a tuesday i've got
you know i've got yoga on a wednesday we'll exchange those are you those kind of people
so basically in the um i have to like hats off to my son's dad and to my missus and to my son,
because basically it has to be like that.
Not because we're cool,
but because of the nature of my work,
basically.
So it's my fault.
There's a,
there's a,
a shared document.
Because I,
I never,
you know,
shared exposed.
Yeah.
And who's on that?
Just you and the dad.
Yeah.
Nice.
The spare is on, but she hasn't got
editing property hasn't got editing uh she's on that shit apple one pages or whatever it is
she has to get a download a special csv file to access it she's got a pdf printout and and so how
far ahead are you plotting in so mid-month i do, I do the next month. So once I'm past ten, I love planning.
I do love planning.
Yeah, I'd love that bit.
It almost makes me want to split up with Rose,
the thought of the spreadsheet.
Oh, God, I hope you've been doing this for so long now
that she doesn't listen.
No, no, she can give a fuck.
She can give a fuck.
She only listens to half the episode
because that's what she'll get if you broke up.
I went through the other day
what Rose has consumed of my career output
and it is embarrassing.
It's like...
She's read neither book.
She's watched one episode of my sitcom.
She watched one episode of Hypothetical.
She hasn't seen The Last Leg since she used to come down to the green room.
She could not be less of a fan of me.
Well, did you meet your partner at a gig?
Because that's the danger, isn't it?
Because I met Lou before I was a comedian.
But I think it is a weird, slightly odd power dynamic
when audience and performer.
But I don't know if you met at a gig or not.
No, I didn't meet Steph at a gig. But no i didn't meet steph at a gig but i met
we got together during an edinburgh festival but she's a writer she had a play on there she writes
like serious proper things and yeah it is funny that even within well less than four years is that
that summer when we got together i think she saw that show three times maybe four times brought
all her friends and then now yeah i just had a 10 minute short out it was a
struggle to get her through that yeah i don't blame her though but don't you want you'll have
to go to one of her serious plays and if she starts coming to your comedy don't do that
into all of them all of them they're all heartbreaking i need therapy after every
single one of them and that's the problem with that is because it's a play. Yeah. You have to go.
Like that's an event you go to.
Whereas if it's like a thing that exists,
like Rose can just keep kicking it down the thing.
Yeah, I am going to read the Parenting Hell book,
but I'm just really busy.
Whereas with a play, you have to go.
Did you come to the tour show?
Rose?
Yeah.
She came once in London.
I think that's fair. fair yeah but it's very much
lose the same she come once in london and it's very much like visiting an uncle in prison you
have to go once to show that you've not disowned him however you do want that relationship to sort
of peter out so your son's away for some of the time and is there an awful thing is there a freedom to
it it's lovely it's lovely it's really nice i didn't know how to ask but thank you there's no
i take i it's when it really when i really realized because it was quite new um we it'd
only been the setup probably for about
six months when we went into the first lockdown and um that's when I really thought oh but yeah
I've nailed this because um at that point he had he still he lived on the same road so we were
obviously in a bubble and um it was before I lived with my partner and I mean that to get away from a four-year-old every
couple of days just for 24 hours was a touch and I found myself whenever I had a job you
know I was talking online with anyone who had a similar setup we'd be going
just be like cackling that we weren't still with our partner so that we got like tiny little breaks um i'm sorry
to brag but it is it's amazing in terms of like sleep and um oh i don't know you know what it's
like when you're like work late whatever like it's just so nice i was thinking this about a friend
who's split up you're less liable to think i should sleep sort this sleep issue because you
think well in two days they won't be here anyway it's only like it's only like two-thirds of my week i'm having to deal with this so if they're sleeping
in my bed that's fine yeah it's um but what has emerged now over the years is that well i used to
joke when my son was a toddler that he was sexist but now he's seven um he still is and so that is
a worry, yeah.
And where it's really glaring now,
well, there's a lot of mansplaining happening at the moment,
but generally he will go to bed really nicely at his dad's.
He will tidy up at his dad's.
He will wash up.
He will put things away.
He will put dirty clothes where their men are go.
And here he just expects that to be done
by at least one of the two women.
He's a little sexist.
Yeah.
Or the other.
I don't want to play devil's advocate here,
but the dad might be a better parent, Jess.
Is that a potential?
Okay, there is that, yeah.
There is a shot there.
I mean, I don't know.
Basically, like, yeah,
he just is responding better to the...
He's happier to comply to someone he respects.
Yeah.
Well, my daughters are lose lose me to my daughters they do not respect her yeah but they they they'll listen to me a bit more but i don't know if that's a girl thing because they argue
like they're in they're on a hen do my daughters and my wife my daughter doesn't respect me nearly
as much as she respects rose right okay so it's a parenting quality thing in our house i'm not okay but no it's not in jess's
he's sexist let's not get away from this obviously a sexist pig yeah yeah do you have to have
conversations with your ex about like tactics and discipline and where you draw the line and all that
kind of stuff oh god yeah but also i think that that like he is a better parent than me in the sense he's just got much much clearer more
consistent boundaries but he's also like he's way rulesier than me so we just have to like it's very
hard to have a consistent front on that thing and like i don't know he'll be much stingier about
what my son can watch right right what are you letting him watch, Andrew Tate?
GB News or Bust in my house for my son.
That's your homeschooling.
He's got his Jordan Peterson book out again,
sat there feet upside down.
Read it at night.
Do you, with him, do you have a situation where, like,
will he play you off against each other and say,
my dad lets me do this?
Oh, I suppose he doesn't. I wonder if he's playing his dad each other and say, my dad lets me do that?
Oh, I suppose he doesn't.
I wonder if he's playing his dad off against you saying my mum lets me do this.
Yeah, he'll definitely be doing that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. But he's also, I mean, he's also sort of openly embarrassed about me to his dad and in public.
Yeah.
He'd be like, oh, my mum's language is disgusting.
He's always like bragging about.
And he says out loud within the last 24 hours,
he said out loud to me,
you're not a very good parent.
Oh, God.
That age, they do start to get quite chippy, don't they?
They get a bit confident.
He's sassbag.
He's really...
But it's all a little smirk.
And annoyingly, it's quite funny.
Yeah, because they're trying to wind you up.
That's what we find.
They'll say anything
like Lou went out
the other day
and put an outfit on
and my daughter says
she's seven
are you going out
like that mum
is that what you're wearing
is it
and I'm just like
yes
but that is
like
but she doesn't
she's just sort of
trying to wind her up
like wind her up
about anything
but doesn't really realise
that some people might be really insecure about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we were at, yesterday I dragged him to the gym
because they can just sort of like sit and do the colouring or whatever.
And someone was saying, someone in the gym said,
sniff, like sniff my disgusting wrist wrap things.
They smell of vinegary and cheese oh thank god thank god it
ended like that jess i was gonna say to your child no no no to me but my son was like can i smell it
can i smell it and um she was like yeah yeah and he smelled it was like whoa and he got a big laugh
off that and then he went that smells worse than my mom's bum. And that got a massive laugh.
Yeah, that's going to get a huge laugh, of course.
But then he just cracks on, you know,
everyone's moved on,
everyone's just carrying on
with whatever they're doing in the gym
and he's still there shouting,
my mum's bum stinks.
And you're like, oh God.
And I was like, love, can you stop now?
It was really funny the first time,
but can you stop now?
And he went, ah, he never gets old.
Where's he got that from that is heartbreaking though when your kids say something funny and everyone laughs you know oh
that you know what fair play that was pretty funny and then they keep doing it and it gets less funny
and then you're like you're actually embarrassing me now yeah i can't be associated with this level
of banter it's not so on a stag
do in the banter sheet you sort of just drift off to the corner of the pub like i don't want
anyone to know i'm actually part of that group but when they're young they don't do any better
and they just keep churning it out yeah same joke again and again and again until it's arid
until people are not just not laughing they're angry. What's it like taking your son to the gym?
Because you have a situation, you're a big weightlifter, aren't you?
Not a big weightlifter, you're big into weightlifting.
Yeah, both times, yeah.
Have you always been into weightlifting?
Oh, no.
I got into it in my sort of early 30s, sort of a little bit.
And you compete, don't you?
I have some, yeah.
I do CrossFit, it's like a cult.
It calls itself a sport, but it's a brand and a company. ButFit, it's like a cult, it's like, it calls itself a sport,
but it's a,
it's a brand and a company,
but yeah,
it's very addictive.
And what can you lift?
Oh,
what do you mean?
Deadlift?
Uh,
yeah.
Oh,
ancestral,
oh,
ancestral man,
I don't lift nothing.
Oh,
bloody weak arms,
I mean,
I don't know either,
I don't,
I don't go to the gym.
Weak arms is my favourite insult.
Look at those,
look at those.
Look at those.
They look pretty good, actually, Josh.
Bit of definition there.
That was actually...
That looks better than I thought it was going to.
I didn't know you wanked with your left arm.
Weird for a righty.
So, does your son want to do weightlifting?
Yeah, he does do it.
He goes to kids' Olympic weightlifting classes, yeah.
Kids' Olympic weightlifting classes. Amazing. so the woman that runs my gyms uh like a was a commonwealth olympic weightlifter so that's
the one where you just do this two lifts a snatch and a clean jerk and it's very like
it is strength-based but it's also really technical it's almost like a dance there's a
lot of like moving up and down at the same time and that kind of stuff and so um i think kids are actually sort of naturally really good at it because they've got
like effortless mobility and um endless energy so what's he lifting he's not lifting much so um
it's all about technique the deadlift josh it's all about technique then you build up so what's
funny with that yeah if if kids compete um unders, they're not judged.
Like, whoever lifts the most isn't the winner.
Your score will be made up of how good you look when you're doing it,
basically, how well you're doing the movement.
Oh, right.
Not just, like, if they're a particularly, like, pretty child.
I tell you what, it's three kilograms, but look at this guy's smile.
Those eyes. Oh, is he enjoying it? Does he, but look at this guy's smile. Those eyes.
Oh, is he enjoying it?
Does he like it?
Yeah, he loves it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
See, there's going to be an age where he's not going to want to do it
because no one wants to go and do the sport their parent does.
Exactly.
Yeah, so I'm just enjoying it while it lasts.
He's going to hate it at any time.
How do you feel about that as he gets older and stuff like that?
Because, like you say, he's got quite a modern and complicated setup at home and then he's at primary school and to go to
secondary school is that something you think about or you're preparing for or have answers
for him and stuff or do you think what i don't know i mean i don't know how to prepare for it
to be honest oh god i'm sure a better parent would have thought about that no i agree i think you
can't prepare for a situation that doesn't exist exactly like
and actually even explaining the current setup to a seven-year-old is so i mean it's funny because
you don't they don't understand romantic love they don't understand the difference between that and
you and at this age he still is like well i mean ideally you'll marry me and even if right yeah
that would be modern and complicated that would be modern and complicated
I went out that modern
throwback retro
if anything
so
I've explained it as best I can
and it's so hard because you can't say like well
he was like well I remember really early on
so it was a few years ago he was like well
Jacob is my boyfriend and it's sort of
his best friend as my friend's son lives miles away and barely sees him and i said yeah i mean the
thing is he sort of isn't and he's like uh he is and i was like okay all right and he's like what
is the difference and i was like um i suppose it's more like i just can't how do you explain it you know do you want to rip all their clothes
and i was i probably mucked it right up because at one point he went wow
i love jacob and i'm holding his hand if he wants maybe to cross the road but he's not getting a
kiss and i was like you know fair enough absolutely fair enough um and i thought he'd explained
our setup to his friends
at school and um i had a big wake-up call that he hadn't when he had um a friend round for a play
date i'll call her ivy and um she was like really sweet she's one of those like at the time six
year olds that's like got the energy of a 18 year old just tall and glorious and rides a big white
bike and just really cool just cool like an adult in a kid's body as soon as she walked in she was
like oh let's have a look around your house like yeah i like i've seen other people's houses um
and and my partner steph was around for the whole of this play date and then towards the end Steph went out and Ivy went, so,
um,
that woman,
she went,
she went,
she just,
um,
she just popped around whenever she wants. So I didn't realize Rudy hadn't explained it.
That's my,
that's my girlfriend.
That's my partner.
And she just sort of took it in and then went, Oh, well, I didn't realise Rudy hadn't explained it. That's my girlfriend. That's my partner.
And she just sort of took it in and then went,
oh, well, I suppose it's fine to be gay,
but I do want to meet the dad.
And it wasn't, there was no, like, malice in it,
but obviously she was like, well, I haven't completed the set.
Yes.
That's annoying.
I thought that was a cleaner.
Obviously, you know,
he'll be talking about his mum and dad
at school and stuff
so she's expecting
to see both
if she's not knowing
the set up.
But the kids are so funny.
And he thought
potentially he's maybe
mentioned this other woman
who pops around
whenever she likes.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
The old spare,
the spare parent.
The spare parent.
Oh, that's so good.
And so,
that's the thing as well.
You don't want to go, you don't want to go you don't explain
over explain and go just so you know this might come up do you know what i mean yeah oh it's
really tricky there was i mean it's there was a thing a while it was a while ago there was a thing
where he is really his school quite chilled out and they're allowed to like paint their nails or
whatever if they want and he's into that like he's got his load of his own nail varnishes and he wanted to do his nails for school and there was a kid at school he stopped
doing it and i asked why i was like just stop feeling like doing that and he was like no the
and he said these two lads names he was like they keep going it's gay it's gay and i was like okay
and it's that thing where that's the first so far far, only one. I mean, they're so young, but where it's been like, oh, God.
And actually I had a conversation with his dad,
and I thought, what is the point?
And he, to be fair, his dad was more sort of than me,
was like, do you think we should say something?
I think we should say something because,
and I thought, I don't know that we should.
I don't think the kids realise, not this young anyway,
I was like, I don't think those five and six-year-olds
have any idea what they're saying, really. I don't think they understand it. Yeah, they
will have heard that. Or from an older kid, do you know what I mean? But equally, also
the thing that clinched it for me was, my son's not that offended because he doesn't
understand what they're saying. And I was like, why make him more upset than the, he's
not that upset by that.
He's just a word that he thinks is thrown around.
And we sort of did vaguely say,
you don't really say that word to mean rubbish.
Yeah.
And we sort of explained that bit and he was like, all right.
Where are you living?
Are you in London?
South East London, yeah, Lewisham.
South East Lewisham, yeah.
I mean...
Your end, Rob.
My end.
So, you know, I've lived around there for years.
I've moved out a bit further now,
but it's not like the most progressive place in certain areas of it like where you are in east
london josh is a little bit more like you you're going it's a bit more creative but southeast
london you still do get them old school southeast london types that will say stuff like i've got to
send family to say stuff and i most family occasions i end up having a row and leaving and i'm just like you just can't say that and lou goes oh and i go no we can't you can't talk we're talking about and then i'll be in like
a church or a christmas guy no you can't say that why can't i say that well you can't right no but
i'm only joking yeah it's not really a joke is it how do you know well if anyone should it should
be me it's actually my job. So I find it very difficult.
So yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
But it is tricky though.
And ultimately as well,
whatever happens to your child at school,
whether it is about your own setup
or about other things,
there's a million things kids get teased about
or stuff shouted at them.
You can only really do so much.
The school needs to be on top of it,
but it's sort of helping the kid
to learn how to deal with it because the reality is
you and their dad can't sort that out.
They sort of have to do it but you can be supportive
but it is tricky because you want to
be too involved but then not enough.
It's a balance. Also,
it'll be 10 and they'll be benching 100kg
so it's fine.
Exactly.
Or it'll be 7kg but it'll be
so handsome no one will care in either way.
He's on to that big winner.
Yeah, same thing.
Better both.
How's the summer holiday been?
Oh, long.
But you get the breaks, I suppose.
You're obsessed with the breaks, Josh.
I'm so sorry.
I'm getting divorced for a fucking lie down.
Do you want to see other people?
No, I don't want to see anyone.
That's the point.
I just want to be alone. That's the point. I just want to be alone.
That's the point of this.
Yeah, summer has been fun, I think,
because normally I sort of ruin everyone's summer
by doing the fringe up in Edinburgh,
and I'm not doing that this year.
So I've really, like, put a shift in.
What have you done?
What's been on the agenda this
summer then jess what have you um oh god now i feel like i'm nothing particularly special
um we went to france with some friends i'd say the worst that if you've done nothing and the
worst you've done to parent there's some more the listeners will like you you're on a win-win here
yeah take him down to my mum's indoors it went to france with friends and
that was a touch like i did i'm so used to like getting in all the sticker books getting everything
ready for a week away doing and i got there and this is the first time he's been old enough
as soon as we got there oh my god i've got a story for you as soon as we got there just off with
other kids that's it i barely saw him for the first time in nearly eight years i read a book on a holiday and that was a game changer so when we arrived right so it's a mate's
parents have got this place in france they've had for a long long time and the parents were still
there when we arrived um just for like a half hour before they left and we got there rudy and i my
son and i had been awake since 2am to get a 6am flight
he was wild by this point
I was really hoping he would sleep in the hire car
and when we got there
he was still awake and the parents were still there
so they're like lovely they're in their 70s I've known them all my life
my son goes out and starts to get straight in the pool
right with the other kids
and we're all chatting away
and it's all quite polite because they're
my elders and then
someone said oh I think Rudy's having a wee in that hedge chatting away and it's all quite polite because you know they're my elders and then um i was like
someone said i think rudy's having a wee in that hedge and um i was like oh um and uh my friend
said uh i don't think it's a wee it looks like it's having a shit and my friend's mum whose house
it was and whose lavender bush it was that my son had dropped trowel his mate in the pool had said he said i need a poo
and his friend had gone you can go in the bush if you want thinking he'll never do it he did it
he dropped his trunks and curled out an adult size shit right into the lavender bush right in front
of my friend's mum who planted that lavender bush oh my god and she went i hope he's not and i was like oh god i can see it i can
see it curling out i like ran out i was like what are you doing he was like and i was like why
i needed it jacob said and i was like don't you don't everyone's just watching we're all just sat
watching you do a shit and he was like i'm doing it now and i was like okay i'm gonna finish it now
and i just i'll stand in front of you i had to get someone's doggy poop bag i had to like scoop a
hot fucking adult size shit into a dog poop bag i was like okay go inside and wipe let's go and
have a shower and then i was like what do i do with the shit my friend was like wait wait till
they're not looking and then just chuck it in that field it was was... It's diabolical.
And then a dog came over.
While he was finishing it,
a dog came over,
kept trying to eat it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
It was so gross.
It was so gross.
It was so embarrassing
for him and for me.
He's just crying
because I've gone in too heavy
with the why are you shitting?
Oh, no.
Because once you're shitting,
you can't stop shitting.
And then you're feeling guilty
for making it a bigger event.
Exactly. I felt guilty for making it a bigger event. Exactly.
I felt guilty for making him feel like shit.
The only person who loved every second of it was my friend's kid who'd told him to do it.
So he's the real villain in this.
He was delighted.
No, I mean, he's also seven, but he was like, hee hee hee.
And his mum said, Jacob, did you make him do that?
And he went, it was massive.
It was massive.
It was massive.
Oh, God. You just laugh it off
if you're the homeowner. Was she laughing
about it eventually?
They kept it together in front of me.
And my friends who are our age
loved it.
I think the thing is, the lavender
smell is so strong, it's going to
take back over. Not as strong as this smell.
Lavender is not as strong as
human shit. It's not strong enough.
Not as strong as human shit. It's got to be the strongest smell known to man you know what also you're never really going to lean over and smell that lavender without knowing
yeah you know i mean that that lavender bush just needs imagine though you go back next year it's
double in size they'll start shipping him over get him around for two weeks greatest fertilizer
known to Matt
are you
and you're
going on
tour right
yeah next
year next
one
next year
yeah
tickets are on
sale in
October we'll
put it on
our social
media what's
the show
called
thank you
metal
M-E-T-T-L-E
I've picked
such I'm
not saying I
regret it but
it is I'm gonna have to explain it and-E I'm not saying I regret it but I'm going to have to
explain it and spell it every time
every time I say it, metal as in
you know, bit of grit
trying hard
bothering to try hard
is what it's sort of about
I think it's funny, I think basically the older I get
and I just turned 40 so I'm having a moment
congratulations, happy 40
Josh had a complete breakdown, how did you do? so I'm having a moment. Congratulations. Happy 40th. I was turning 40. Josh had a complete breakdown.
How did you do?
Oh, I did have a wobble.
But what's embarrassing is I think I've had a wobble based,
I had a wobble before 30,
and that's because at 29 I had nothing I knew I wanted.
I wanted to love and be loved.
I wanted kids.
I wanted to own my own house.
I wanted to do well enough at comedy
to be allowed on the telly and radio.
I wanted to make things I wrote.
And now I was like, so what's the wobble about because you have actually got those things so i think the wobble
is about my face looks old it doesn't dress it doesn't even look old oh mate it does it looks
about 38 it looks fine but look everyone's face looks older than it was i know it's annoying isn't
it not everyone's actually
you could you know that's the wobble at 40 is the age thing isn't it because at 30 you want
those things you got all those things but the thing you want now jess and i'm sorry to break
it to you you can't get yeah oh you can you can't yeah you can if you go down that route
yeah i think it would be so off brand if i suddenly went full kardashian but yeah i mean
i would get my back fat put in my ass would you yeah a brazilian butt lift but with back fat i
just it's just i'd quite like to have more of an ass i've got good legs though i take my legs are
good i think i've got leg energy nice but that's mainly because my top half's so heavy, they have to be strong.
Would you get your eyes lasered?
I just don't see why you would.
I prefer wearing glasses.
No, but I was thinking about getting done.
Just because it's easier than not having to have glasses with you all the time.
Gee, I love wearing glasses.
When I'm laying on my front trying to watch TikTok as I slowly pass out,
sometimes my glasses get all skewed.
Do you sleep on your front yeah i'm not i'm trying to sleep on my back because that's better for you than on your front
but that is my little sort of cozy fetal position how do you sleep jess now you're a weight lifted
athlete have you got a specific way side curled up like i'm still in the uterus
that's good though for your back being on your side is it yeah i sleep curled up in the uterus. That's good though for your back. Being on your side or your back.
Is it?
I sleep curled up in the sort of top left-hand corner of my bed
because my missus wants to snuggle in
and I hate to be touched once I'm trying to go to sleep.
So I sort of like, I'm creeping away from it the whole time.
I don't get those people that cuddle up all night next to each other.
I do not understand.
She wants to chat.
We love a bit of that.
Do you cuddle up? Oh. So do you go to bed not understand. She wants to chat. We love a bit of that. Do you cuddle up?
Oh.
So do you go to bed cuddling?
Yeah.
It's not like a quick hug.
Is it like a spoon?
I think the term is spoon, yeah.
And doesn't Rose's back get cold when she's spooning you?
We will do both ways, Rob.
Will we?
Yeah.
So is that a complete 50-50?
It's 2023.
I like being next to Lou in the bed,
but the actual cuddling and holding for like two or three hours,
absolutely not.
I'd get so hot.
Of course, I love a cuddle all day and all night.
But apart from those seconds when I'm trying to sleep,
when I actually want to go to sleep,
even if a hand is on me, it's like, get off.
Yeah, no, I don't like being touched when I'm want to go to sleep, even if a hand is on me, it's like, get off.
Yeah, no, I don't like being touched when I'm going to sleep.
My brain won't switch off if there's any physical contact.
Really?
Yeah, but you sleep with the duvet over your head, Josh.
Do you cover?
I have the duvet over my head.
Do you?
How do you breathe?
I have my nose and mouth out.
But what about Rose when you're spooning her?
So the duvet would go over my head and then down and over her shoulder.
So you're still covering your face?
Of course I am.
I'm not mental.
How are we the weird people here, Jess?
I don't get it. I just like a snuggle rope.
I just like to feel secure and wanted and needed at night.
I do in the day and stuff, but not when I'm sleeping.
But everyone's different yeah
that lou though lou sleeps really high up the bed so like her head's like millimeters away from the
headboard where i like being a bit further back so sometimes when i wake up i just feel like my
wife's like seven foot so you're further down yeah so it's not really looking up what's your
views on making the bed i don't mind it i'm very efficient at that because I used to be a chambermaid when I was a child
Do you do it every day?
Yes
Rose can't say enjoy being downstairs
if she knows the bed isn't made
Wow, wow
So if we get up she needs it to be made
straight away
It could be how you started the grounds for the divorce that you want
is that one day you just don't make it
Yeah, that is a good idea The day you just don't make it.
Yeah, that is a good idea.
The day I didn't make the bed and it all went wrong.
She knows it's over.
So the tour is next year, Jess?
Yeah, tour's next year, yeah.
Excited?
I am excited.
Are you taking the kid with you?
No.
I will take him when then,
oh, hopefully I've arranged it.
Has he come to a gig yet?
No.
No, he's desperate to. I think he'd heckle. I've arranged it. Has he come to a gig yet? No. No, he's desperate to.
I think he'd heckle.
I'll take him.
I think he'd heckle.
I can't trust him not to start shouting about my smelly ass.
Yeah, I know, but that's a good five minutes, isn't it?
Until you just tell someone to take him away.
Yeah.
How do you get your kid kicked out of your own gig?
What a story.
You can only come to a gig where there's really good security.
Yeah.
Well, he'll just start shouting,
women aren't funny, those old sexist ways it's out i think you need to move him out of southeast london personally jess you created a monster here should we do the final question so the question is how
um well basically it's more different when someone when they're separated from their partner but the
question is the best thing and worst thing about the way your partner or co-parent parents,
sometimes people don't really ever want to do anything negative,
which is understandable when they're no longer together
because it might, you know,
for the sake of selling a couple of tickets for your tour
or a podcast, it's not really worth opening that wound.
But it's like, his auntie listens and texts him.
No, don't worry, I no don't worry I'll talk in
I'll talk in
so what is the one thing about your co-parent
your son's dad that they do parenting wise
they think oh that's amazing I'm so happy
that we've got this child together and one thing
that sort of winds you up a little bit and if he was to listen
he'd go yeah fair enough she's got a point
but you don't have to I don't want to call
dramas I don't know whether he'd say
fair enough you've got a point so I think the thing he does brill whether he'd say, fair enough, you've got a point. So I think the thing he does brilliantly,
my son's dad is...
Fair enough, you've got a point.
I love it the next time he dropped the boy off
and just took the door and went,
fair enough, you've got a point,
and she falls off.
Do you think he'll listen to this, Jess?
Potentially, yeah.
We've got an arrangement
where I'm not allowed to do any more
stand-up about him ever.
But I think podcasts are fair game.
Yeah, it's not the joke you're being nice about him aren't you yeah well he is a brilliant dad like he is a classy dad he's a classy ex he's a really
yeah he's way better than me exactly yeah proof's in the human son and his behavior with him compared
to with me um what he does brilliantly which I find extraordinary and we're very different,
is that he parents without anger ever.
He doesn't ever get annoyed.
I suppose mildly irritated.
And he has big emotions, but he's never angry.
He's like the least angry man I've ever met.
And that is, I think, so glorious.
least angry man i've ever met and that is i think so glorious um and i'm in awe of that because i i get i get really i get really annoyed um um what does he do that um i mean he's gonna hate
this but i'm gonna say it fair enough it's a small thing and I do. Well, because I'm watching my son emulate it and I want it to stop.
My ex, his dad, he's like a shit winner at games.
He's like, yes, yes, get in, yes.
And there's no humility in victory.
I think that's just men.
I don't think this is a your son or him issue
but this is it like when you've got like a man in his 50s going loser to someone who he's just
beaten you're like well this seven-year-old doesn't stand a chance oh jess thank you so
much it's been really refreshing to hear someone talking about co-parenting stuff like that if
there's anyone listening that's sort of quite anxious about it or it's on the horizon and stuff
like that is there any advice you'd give or he's interested in it like i am
or just a little bit of tipping over to be pushed into it but like is there any advice you'd give
for someone that is now faced with a situation when they are splitting the child's time between
two households and two parents i think that you
can make up a i think make up a setup that works for you like there are going to be people who are
like well for consistency's sake we will need to do something the same that's the same every week
or the same every fortnight but actually like that doesn't work for us so we've been able to
be more flexible i think the same you you get such rigid advice about what to do about money
what to do about this.
Look at your situation and what's going to make both of you feel the best and function the best and the happiest. And then I think this is so, I think there's a lot of emotion and a lot of guilt around ending a relationship when there are kids involved.
But it's absolutely possible to do it with the kid's interests are number one.
And actually it sort of simplifies the logistics of it.
If every decision you make go, well, what is the best for them or him or her?
Yeah.
What is the best, like what's going to be the best thing for the kid in this situation?
If we can't work out what to do, then you just go with that option every time, basically.
It's a nice like guide to have to, because there's so many decisions that are hard to
make if you if you're guided by that then it also can take the edge off any sort of inevitable bits
of guilt and emotion here and there that are going to come with it yeah because i imagine like you
know say for example like oh he normally has him on saturday i was saying but you're coming back
from france really late because that's when the flight was yeah you know and you're getting at 4
a.m and you don't even knock on the door gone actually i have him from nine and this poor kid needs to sleep you know if yeah exactly that exactly that yeah
yeah it's best for the kid and that's it's sort of it's a good sort of starting point isn't it
yeah yeah totally and that and it basically just had to be so organized we just have to be really
organized and then and that helps right get a spreadsheet get a spreadsheet lemon spreadsheet
out well josh why don't you why don't you in the next couple of weeks why don't you put together your proposed how you would split the kids with your eyes and
see yeah just a little bit a little pitch document to go look this i'm just saying if it were to
happen this is how i think it should run jess thank you so much it's been brilliant good luck
with the tour thank you so much jess hey thanks for having me it's been so fun follow Jess
on Instagram
for the tour info
we'll put it on our Instagram
what's your Instagram?
at Jessica Foster Q
there you go
what's your website Jess
so I imagine
they can sign up
to your mailing list
and they'll get an email
when the tour's on sale
that's true
and the new website
is coming any second actually
it's jessicafosterq.com
right
so get on there
when it's up
mailing list
and you'll get tickets
you'll be first in line thanks so much Jess that was brilliant thank you thanks for having me cheers bye
jess foster q rob i've got to be honest i've got to go and get my neck done by an osteopath
of course you have it was it was it too loose or too stiff what's the problem what do you think
too fucking stiff mate also yeah osteopathic really loose one how's he
gonna make it stiffer just like wobbling it about in his hands like a pizza though
i'll let you know how it goes in the next um love that one i was really good of cheerful as well
because it's always good to have people talking about different setups you know i mean yeah so
that is really good thanks jess and going to her on tour. We'll put the details up, but sign up to her mailing list.
We'll be back on Tuesday.
Right, speak to you later, mate.
Bye.
Bye.
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