Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP15: The Most Chaotic Episode Ever

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with delilah can you say rob beckett and can you say joshett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Widdicombe.

Josh Widdicombe. How about Wigglybum? Wigglybum. There we go. Why has he done that? Why has he done that? That seems like his feedback. Josh Wigglybum, did you get called that at school?

No. No. What did you get called at school? Shit hair? Josh. Oh, Josh. Shit hair? Josh. Oh, Josh. Shit hair. Is that the best you've got?

One of Britain's finest wits? Sometimes it's not about being clever, it's just being quick. I don't even, it wasn't even that quick. I think if you walked into an office and someone, here he comes, shit hair, I think that's getting in your head. More so than like, oh, here he comes shit air i think that's getting in your head more so than like oh here he is oh wiggly bum that's quite wiggly bum's a bit of fun shit air is quite that's quite i'd say i'd say if i walked into office someone did that i'd be straight onto hr classic shit air move that is you heard what shit has done yeah he's done fucking blabbing isn't he where is he now he's gobbling some porridge in the fucking staff room all right sorry go on josh um do you want the

email from these people yes please josh uh this is my two-year-old delilah elvin we are we have been listening to your podcast since 2021 when we had a newborn and the evenings were very long we now have two girls born 18 months apart and still love listening to you every week thanks for the laughs best wishes leanne dave delilah and darcy ah i'm calling it what's that there's a generational change between the names i feel like leanne and dave are fed up with having normal names and they've gone let's do this Delilah and Darcy welcome to the world see where I live Rob Delilah and Darcy are normal and Leanne and Dave there's fucking none of them mate Leanne and Dave should move to East London and be these

sort of ironically the home of the Dave really the East London isn't it and the home of the Leanne yeah exactly well that's awful gentrification for you. Yes. Josh, can we explain what's going on? You're stood up in your kitchen at the moment, and you've got the eyes of a man that's, I'd say, the rest of his day is not looking great. No, Rose is, I don't know whether she'll want me to broadcast this.

I was going to say to the nation, to a small portion of the nation at least, a hundredth of it, is coming out of both ends at top speed, Rob. So, yeah, because that's the thing. When you're unwell with kids, really, if you've got a bit of a cold, you're not allowed to be unwell. You just have to get on with it. That's life. But O'Kane's the only, that is.

There's no way she's getting up. She's been sick three separate times this morning in the last hour and a half and i'll be honest rob yeah when she went to for number two this morning i had to put i had to put the brown noise on just because i didn't want to listen to it because it was you put brown noise on to drown out the brown noise to drown drown out the brown noise yeah is she gonna be okay with this being broadcast well it's it's context it's it's i'm sorry if you don't if you don't give that information the listener goes oh come on rose get up get on with it exactly exactly there you go fair play rose take the time you need rehydrate get a lucasade down you um so i um i went up and i

said look i've put the kids in front of Peppa Pig. Rose was working today. So the good news is we've got childcare from halfway through this episode. Oh, yeah. So I've only got 20 minutes of you solo parenting and doing a podcast. Yeah. Me and Michael had a Cobra meeting. Oh, no.

Because we got a message from you at 8. We were starting at 8. 8.31. 8.31, already late. That's fine. We expect that from you at 8. We were starting at 8. 8.31. 8.31, already late. That's fine. We expect that from you, Josh. It's not a problem with two couple of chilled out podcasters. And he said, Rose is ill in bed. I'm setting up in the kitchen so I can watch the kids.

And we were like, this is over. I thought you were watching them for the next four hours. No, no, no, because I would have started late, but Carol Vorderman waits for no man. So we've got Carol Vorderman on after this i'm carol vorderman waits for no man so we've got we've got carol vorderman on after this after this and so also then obviously i get my laptop i've been on holiday and it's been summer holidays i haven't worked probably in two weeks so the laptop's obviously dead so you've plugged it in on the side because you're stood up why don't you

punched over it because it won't reach the kitchen table and i went into the basement for an extension lead and the only one i could find was attached to a plug that had in permanent marker written on it pump washer and i don't know what the pump washer is i don't know but i don't want to unplug it why are you washing your pumps i don't know how many pumps you got and how dirty are they? I tell you what, the pump washer's got full power and I'm hunched over my bloody soda stream on the side. Well, this is good though because it's a little bit of like chaos,

but it's manageable because you've got someone to look after kids in 20 minutes. Yeah, it's not a three and a half hour narrative for the day. We're not behind the boiling. heart must have sunk at that point yeah the 15th time you go sorry i've just got to go in and give him give him something to eat sorry carol vorderman luckily it's this podcast this very rarely happens on the news agents to john sopel and emily waitliss um how are you though josh apart from this sort of stressful early morning rearrangement, all good? Well, Rob. Yeah. I'm not ill, but yesterday I went to the fair. Okay.

Like the fun fair. Right. Are you suggesting that you need to be ill to go there? No, but Rob, I'm going to send you a series of tickets, pictures, series of tickets. Oh, oh my God. Oh God. What? Childcare. Traffic is horrendous in capital letters. Oh no. Oh God. Oh God. What?

Childcare. Traffic is horrendous in capital letters. Oh no. Oh no, Rob. It's backing up on the road. I wish it were in the upstairs toilet. Right. So what time is she... How far away is she?

How late is she going to be? She said she'll keep us in the loop. Because this, well, I don't want to be in the loop on a fucking time, because this doesn't just affect you and your kids. It affects me and Carol Valderman. And Michael. There's a sentence that's never been said before. I didn't say that.

I appreciate if you could hurry up, because this affects Carol. I've got EDF energy ringing me now. I can't take that. I really need to talk to her Well Rob I'm sorry This isn't about you and EDF Energy This is about me and Carol Waterman It is because my house doesn't exist

And I'm going to have a bill for about 20 grand next year Answer it Answer it You've got to Okay Hello Hello can you hear me? Yes I can

Sir I'm calling regarding your complaint And just to let you know I'm calling regarding quality and. And just to let you know, I will always be in quality and control purposes. As of procedure, I will need to ask you security purposes again. Absolutely. Okay. Can I please have your full name? Yes.

Robert Beckett. Okay. So your complaint was regarding your address. Yeah. Complaint. So it has been updated on our system. Yes. So you've contacted National Grid and they've accepted it.

Yes. Yes, Bianca, thank you. Now it's finally updated on our system. So that's all good. Yes, yes. For gas and electric? It's for, let me double check. Oh, no.

This is for electricity only. Right, okay. I will be having the gas to the same address yep do you have an account for gas yep just provide that for me so that i can double check i haven't got that information i gave it to you when i first rang out oh no it's all going wrong i have the electricity one here because this one is only for electricity. Right. When I was going to change it, you provided me with the gas as well. Because now it's so really red.

Yeah. So, in my end, when it comes to those complaints, since I've done everything and resolved everything for you, can I close it on my side? Well, yeah, but I still haven't got the gas one. But if you want to close it, Bianca, go for it. Do you have that number for gas? No, not on me. I'll tell you what, let's close this one, Bianca, and then still haven't got the gas one. But if you want to close it, Bianca, go for it. Do you have that number for gas? No, not on me.

I tell you what, let's close this one, Bianca, and then when I've got the energy, I'll come back at you for the gas. Shall we do that? Okay, that's fine. So my end limit is closest. Yep, that's close. Are you happy with everything that I've done and the results? Is this query for you?

Yes, yeah. Yeah, sort of. Not I've got the gas, but yeah yeah it's absolutely fine 50 absolute thumbs up thank you very much bianca bye bye b oh my word fucking hell oh i've never i've never worked so hard to get an invoice i've never worked so hard i mean it's bad enough paying for your gas electric at the moment but fucking hell bianca's been lovely, though, to be honest, but she can only resolve... Wait, wait, wait. Oh, there's a child in the room.

You want... No, you want to sit there? You can sit there, Sunzita. Okay, you sit there. Lovely. Okay, so this is the story about yesterday. Right. Oh, you're at the fair.

Sorry, send me some stuff, yeah? You went to the fair. Just to give you an idea. Yeah. There's a child there staring me out. He looks quite suspicious of me. What do you want? This is unbelievable.

I'm so sorry, Rob. You are? No, you can't. Do you know what I'd do? Let him pick whatever snack he wants out of the fridge and says, yeah, go. Do you want some of mummy's chocolate? Yeah. Do you want some of Mummy's chocolate? Yeah.

Do you want some of Mummy's chocolate? Mummy's chocolate, 10 to 9am. That's how you parent. Now fuck off into that living room and watch Peppa Pig. For anyone worrying, Josh is getting this through his headphones, the child can't hear. I'm not an absolute monster.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I can't believe I've got to ring EDF Energy again. No, no, no, no. I'm going for the six. Peppa Pig. I'm sorry, guys. I'm so sorry about this. I'm so sorry.

He should be in a Richard Curtis film as a little posh English bloke apologising. I think it's going to be a challenge for you to edit, Michael. However, I do think that if you can get a handle on it, it's going to be absolutely top-drawer stuff. It's supposed to be. challenge for you to edit, Michael. However, I do think that if you can get a handle on it, it's going to be absolutely top-drawer stuff. It's supposed to be... I was really looking forward to today. Kids are back in school properly now and just fucking just enjoying themselves.

I haven't got any gas. He's back. Oh, he's back. You're back. He's back. You're in third person. Oh, God. Right, OK.

So he's got some chocolate. Let me rattle through this anecdote. OK. At least pretend to enjoy it rather than oblige. So it was a bit underwhelming, all things considered. Where was the fair? Clapton Park. Okay, yeah, East London.

It was fun. We went... But fun fairs, I find, they're like throwbacks to a different time. Honestly. Especially for you guys. It isn't very East London, cool and trendy. It is hardcore fluorescent lights, candy films.

Some of the guys that were working on those. They're all on the run, aren't they? I was like, if you were casting a show about people who work on funfairs, you'd go, this guy is too on the nose. He had his shirt unbuttoned to the bottom. Just unbuttoned to the bottom button. Just one button done up at the bottom. What is wrong with you?

Actually, this isn't funny at all. I saw some of the worst parenting I've ever seen. I'm not even going to say what he said to his child because it was so horrific. No, come on. What did he say? It was genuinely shocking. You're not going to laugh at this. I think I am, and I'm worried I will.

Because you're going to have to beep it out. Oh, right. Oh, no. His kid went up to the top of the helter-skelter. Yeah. He was about seven or eight, and then the kid bottled it. Yeah. Fair enough.

Yeah, absolutely. Came back down, and then his dad was wearing an England shirt with his own name on the back. How do you know it was his own name well it wasn't a famous player right okay it might have been it might have been someone else's name completely bear in mind this dad had a tattoo of a well I'll say what he said to his son, because the tattoo's funnier than... Yeah, let's build up to that. Let's get through the horrible bit this poor kid had to deal with.

His kid walked down to the bottom of the helter-skelter and his dad turned to him. I told you you're a... Oh, my God. Isn't that horrific? Awful in about nine different ways. I know. Just...

And then his son was like, I'm not. And you're like, oh my God. That is so horrible, isn't it? Awful. Awful. He had a tattoo on his leg. Yeah. Of a hand.

I've got the picture. I took a photo. I took a photo. A little paparazzi. He'd have a little secret photo. I love a secret photo. Well, I thought this guy fucking deserves it with his stupid tattoo. Look at this tattoo.

That, I can't believe. Imagine having that put on your leg for life. It's a middle finger pointing up, but from behind rather than from the front. Someone giving the bird someone giving the bird flipping the bird but sort of the behind the scenes as if you're doing it yourself so you can see your thumb and your fingers pointing at you and then some feet on the bottom of the hand yes it's like a giant hand with two feet walking along giving the bird to the world and also next to him which i think is slightly more weird a man wearing a high top trainers with some of the longest socks i've ever seen but i think because the other guy's got ankle

socks on yeah i i do you know what josh i'm surprised you went to the fair because those sort of fairs on sort of like random commons where the only advertising they do is a poster attached to a traffic light yeah i don't go there i've had bad experiences i just sort of think any fare that is transported from lincoln and set up on the same day and starts doing rides i wouldn't say the health and safety is on top of that well we had a lovely time the health and safety didn't need to be on top of it because it wasn't that fast. Right, they were little rides. Yeah. So, well, there was some big ones.

We didn't go on them. And then at the end, we decided to go on the waltzers. Okay, yeah. Okay. So this is the picture of us getting on the waltzers. And that's the teacups. The waltzers. They're more extreme. This is the picture of us getting on the waltzes. And that's the teacups, the waltzes. They're more extreme.

This is the start. Can you twist them yourself or are they just self-twisting? The men on it twist them. Right, so it's not the ones where you can move the middle, you just hold on. No. Right, also I'm saying, Josh, as a man off the telly, you're a sitting duck for a big twist from the waltzer man.

Because if Josh would have done your waltzes, you're waltzing him as hard as you can right that's interesting you say that so if you've seen the picture of it starting you i'd say there are five people there three children two adult men that couldn't look more up for a good time yeah okay this is it finishing? They look like they've come back from Vietnam. Honestly, this is me 15 minutes later in my toilet. What? You're still...

What happened? I threw up, Rob. All the children were fine and I threw up. all the children were fine and I threw up. Sure it's not the sickness bug or is it just puke? No, it's not. Well, it can't have been because I got off the waltz half way around. It went on for so long.

It went on for so long. I was begging for him to stop. But internally. Because I couldn't show weakness in front of my child. And he kept spinning us around so fast. It's the waltz. Josh. He was spinning me around. And it was so fast.

Look, there's a video here. Do you want to see a video? Yeah. So I'm the one at the end of this video that you can't see him on because it's going so fast. Look at the speed of this fucking waltzer. You'll see my cup come round at the end. It's the one that's going really fast. Look how much faster mine is than every other one.

We've got to put that on Instagram. That is not okay. What they've done to you there is bag out of order. It was unbelievable, Rob. It was so bad. That is, I'm surprised, that is unfair on the kids. If it was just you two and your mate in there, but that's unfair on the kids.

That was so much faster. I've never felt G wanted to have a go at you for being pathetic but that is meant a little astronaut training so did you run home to be sick just kept spinning me around and then so no i didn't run home but i felt sick the whole way home had to walk to the car drive home yeah and then i had a slice of rye toast to try and set on my stomach and that didn't work right that's like that dry swedish shit in it right yeah but i just thought that's a settler isn't it toast if you've got a dodgy tummy toast is a set. Because when I got home my wife had made dinner for the kids and looking

at the pizza I was like that cheese makes me want to throw up so I need some So Rose wasn't there, she was at home No, she was at home Was it good apart from being sick, was it fun? Yeah it was alright It was fine, it was good fun, yeah it is good fun actually because the kids are enjoying it

but I couldn't believe it, all the kids were fine what about tom he was on with tom crane was he all right fine there's another guy from clapton who uh who threw up after the waltzes as well another one of the dads so it is a thing that's going on i'm just warning you unbelievable i can't believe it yeah i do in your defense i want to be having a go at you for not being able to deal with it, but that was unacceptable. When we put that on our Instagram, you've got to say that's too fast. Yeah, you're right. Can I have some toast? You want some toast?

Yep, of course. Okay. Okay. You go back in there and I'll do your toast. Right, talk us through the toast making, Josh. She didn't eat her fucking porridge. I'll tell you that for free. No gobble. Right, so he's off mic at the moment.

What's that? It's a podcast. Oh, yeah. You alright? Yeah. Yeah, you turn the light off. I mean, could you call this episode a podcast? A breakdown? Just a couple of people catching up with no care or attention to sound quality. Rob, I need the summer holidays to end.

I need the toilet. I was like, come on, mate. Fucking hell. Help me out. Yeah, you've got Roro there. Yeah, yeah. You take Roro. Has he not got nursery today?

No, because there's two inset days, Monday and Tuesday. I'll never have nursery on a Monday. No, no, no, no. I know he does Wednesday, Friday. He does Wednesday, Friday anyway. But my daughter and him both start back on Wednesday. Right, okay. We've got two more days of this.

Rob, we went on holiday to Whitstable. We're recording this a little bit early as well, though, so it sounds like your kids go back in Octoberober if people no no no sorry yeah yeah this is the monday when everyone on instagram is being smug about their kids going back and i just don't go back to the wednesday wankers waiting we're doing this on the fourth monday the fourth of september yeah so um get this um went to winchester. It was so stressful, Rob. Why? Well, there was three adults and two kids in a house that was too...

Can you go and watch Peppa Pig? Don't forget the toast. Yeah, I'm not forgetting the toast. All I did. She likes it barely done. I mean, he's just lying on the floor. Look at this. Is he tired?

So we were in Whitstable. This is a sign of a stressful holiday, Rob. How long did you go for? Well, this is the thing. We went Monday to Thursday. You left early. And then on the Wednesday, Rose was looking at her emails, and she was like, oh, I've misjudged this.

We booked it for four nights, not three. We could stay for an extra night and both of us had to kind of go I don't want to I don't want to was it too small the accommodation? no it wasn't too small oh gosh that's overdone

overdone shall wedone? Shall we? Is she... She doesn't like any black on it. Yeah, that is a bit overdone for me as well, actually, I'd say. Oh, fuck. It's not for you. I swear in front of your child. Oh, he's only two. He doesn't know. Scraping it off.

Oh, that old trick. Well, how young's your kid? She'll know what you've done. If Rose was upstairs, she'd be saying, that's cancerous now. That's what she says about every bit of burnt toast. Oh, really? Oh, carcinogenic?

Yeah. Oh, all that. Yeah, that is. If you can't have a bit of burnt toast, what can you do? Oh, mate, Rob. Can't burn your skin or burn your toast anymore. A piece that you's gone mad mate what's on it

a bit of butter yeah sorry I'm so sorry about this episode how's your summer been how's the chat well I want to hear more about Whitstable

alright okay so we went there yeah so was it too small then or who went did you two and the kids let me just take this toast fuck I wish did you see that he fell over Yeah, so was it too small then? Or who went? Did you two and the kids? Let me just take this to the... Fuck, I almost... Did you see that?

He fell over. Look at this. What's that doing on the floor? I don't know, because I've lost control. What is it? It's like a... A poster. It's the cardboard inner tube from a rug.

Right. That's a tough thing to recycle, though, isn't it? I know. That's why it's there, because we've had it hanging around. We don't know what the rule is. Right, go and give her a toast. She could come and get it, really, couldn't she? You come and get your toast.

Josh, you've not put it on a plate. I'm doing that now. What kind of zoo are you running? She's giving the kid burnt toast to eat on the sofa without a plate. I was getting the plate. I was getting the plate. Oh, right. Sorry.

Oh, yeah. By the way, because I'm sat at the side. I can't see your face now. This is my natural sitting position. So I'm hovering over it like this. The childcare will be here soon, won't they? Oh, where is she? Please.

I'll get an ETA on that. Yeah, so Whitstable. So we went to Whitstable. So who was it? Was it you and Rose's mum and the kids? Or just you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Rose's mum was in the spare room.

Yep. And then there's a main bedroom. Yes? I need you. You need me? Yeah, well, actually, I need you as well, actually. What do you need? Fuck off.

Right, here I am. Here you are. That was all right. What did she need? A pepper pig had crashed. So unwitzable. So unwitzable. Rose is in bed with my daughter.

That's the sleeping arrangements. I'm upstairs on the mezzanine. Is it the same room as before? Yeah. So you went back there but how was it going back now i want to say now that you feel a bit more control of your life i don't know if it's like yeah i don't know that's i think maybe there's work by the way i should just say i heard rose moving upstairs and i thought oh she's got up but she's come for

another spew hasn't she she's definitely not rally um no uh it was much it was it was quite it was great do you know what i thought i was great you left early yeah because because we've had we didn't leave early we left on time you left the day no no no no we left when we originally thought we were going to leave but we turned down a bonus day that's the way i like to see it yeah because i think with most holidays if it's been a great holiday most people will turn down an extra bonus day. That's the way I like to see it. Yeah, because I think with most holidays, if it's been a great holiday, most people will turn down an extra bonus day. That's normally how I... We'll be going back next year.

Same place. Same story. We do love it. I'd say from the two times you visited, I wouldn't say it's been a resound. I would say this. Three stars tops. It's been a long summer holiday

and to do a holiday, the five of you at the end, is a mistake. Yeah. Really, at the end. We should have saved up stuff like the art class for the end. The week. Yes. I think as well, what we've done is we've divided and conquered. So I'd say a bit like, you know, lockdown.

Yeah. I've had too much quality family time. I'd say the bit like, you know, lockdown. Yeah. I've had too much quality family time. I'd say the quality's dipped. And what we did, so what I did. My daughter doesn't want to spend time with me. That's fine. No, but I think they do. But one-on-one, you don't need the whole family dynamic.

No, she doesn't. It's kicking off in my house a bit. And because it's two girls and they're growing up now, so like seven and five and nearly eight and six, not a couple of months away from their birthdays, they're getting very confident with chatting back and negotiating and giving each other stick. And I feel like when Lou argues with them,

it is like three adult women argue it. And so the other day my daughter come in and said, Daddy, my seven-year-old said, Daddy, can I have a chat? Can I have a chat can i have a quick chat went yeah which went the thing is and lou was arguing with him she just went the thing is that mummy is sometimes just a little bit extra what like howard from the halifax extra but like extra but i don't even know if she's got this word extra is like a zeitgeist word of online if someone's extra oh that is so extra like i don't even know if she's got this word. Extra is like a zeitgeist-y word of online. If someone's extra, oh, that is so extra. Like, I don't use that word. Lou doesn't.

It's like the generation below us. Ow, fuck. What's happened there? I'm just trying to get my seat correct. And Cosmo, they're all arguing at the moment. I feel a bit like a bouncer trying to defuse an argument on a hen do. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where I'm at.

Yeah. So Lou stayed indoors indoors and i took them swimming and then she'll she's gonna take them somewhere else today yeah so that we're just sort of taking hits and then having recovery time because we've reached the point we had lovely three weeks it was yeah you actually said i don't know what all the fuss is about my summer holidays is believe the fucking fuss mate but just what's happened is my daughter is a real, they get on really well, my kids, but they are bored of each other.

Yeah, yeah. And my daughter is a social person who wants to see her friends. Yeah. And she's bored of us, essentially, which is fair enough. Yeah, and then you were so, so Whitstable, she obviously,

she would have probably just preferred going to the park with her mate, and you've gone all the way down to Whitstable. Well, her friend did come and visit for a day. All right. She had a great time. Don't get me wrong. She had a lovely time. Yeah, but it's a day-trippy place, Whitstable.

You don't need to sort of stay, really. Well, that's the nice bit, Rob. It's a lovely house. Lovely on the mezzanine, right in the sunlight. Lovely. Getting flashbacks to the year before oh god the year before i've come a long way but yeah i'd say there's still further to go i'd say there's a little bit of work to be done however you're on the right track and it's all heading in the right direction i would say it's bold to go back to somewhere where you had a breakdown though I'd find that quite stressful I was fine actually because I'm I've I so understand what it was that happened to me if that makes sense so I'm not like I'm not investing it with a previously for about six

months I was investing it with almost supernatural properties of like I've got this problem with sleep and now it's just like I was just having an anxiety-based breakdown and so now i'm not having it i can get yeah it doesn't feel like this big scary monster that can't be tamed it's like oh yeah i just need to sort of not work as much do some therapy do some meditation i probably will go to bed yeah exactly and i slept like a fucking log rob did you oh that's good don't even fill it up. Fuck up yours, mezzanine. I'm back and I'm ready to snooze. How was your last week? I have had an unbelievable weekend, Josh. I'd say it was like the perfect weekend for me. Go on, talk me through it.

So basically, what happened was... That doesn't sound like content I want to hear, but carry on. You know, I feel like from the opening, it might be quite nice to have some sort of calm. Some light within the shade. Yeah, because obviously this shows good people relate to their experiences, but it's getting to the point now where your life actually feels like some sort of disaster movie. You're sat in your kitchen with a bad back hunched over.

You've tripped over twice in your own house. I know. You're not even moving. No, so the weekend is as follows. So took the car in for a service on Friday morning. Lovely. Did it pass? Yeah.

Didn't need anything doing on it. It had a slow puncture, which they repaired for free as part of the service. Oh, my God. Everything's coming up, Beckett. And I dropped it off. And then we had a sleepover. My daughter had a sleepover. And then the mum that was picking up her daughter said,

I was going to have to get an Uber back. She went, Rob, do you want me to pick you up from the service place on the way back? Because I didn't have the car, so I dropped it. I went, yes, please. That would be lovely. So I got a lift back. That was very nice. Then I spoke to – oh, I speak to my therapist person every now and again.

Everything's all good, but every now and then just to sort of check in. So once every few months, just with everything. And so I've had a great chat, worked out some stuff. That was really good. Enjoyed that. Oh, how loud. just with everything yeah and stuff had a great chat worked out some stuff that was really good then um then had a lazy evening um a lazy afternoon then went out for dinner with some friends which i really enjoyed to a new place nearby that was up with lou like you normally don't enjoy socializing seeing people what did you wear what did i wear i wore a black

t-shirt because we discussed this the other week, whether you dress up for dinner. Yeah, I was out for dinner. I wore a black T-shirt, black jeans, pair of black trainers and a black jacket. What? Yeah. Just that. Because if you wear black,

if you wear black, you can get away with wearing more casual clothing because black looks a bit smarter. Particularly when you and Lou stand up on your motorbike. Like the end of Grease. lou's putting a cigarette out as i'll step off my all-black vespa anyway so that was really nice and then then the um next day was a little little bit hungover because we got in josh at 2 a.m fucking nora right anyway saturday it Saturday night or Friday night? That was Friday night.

What time are you up with the kids and who did it? About seven-ish, but they get up about seven and we just give them their iPads until they bully us to make them breakfast. Yeah, yeah, of course. And then we've started shouting, there's cereal down there and milk you can reach. Ah, that's nice. And that's a good feeling. Yeah, yeah.

So we did that. Then I went up for a dog walk in the morning, which, do you know what? I'm into the dog walks now. I'm absolutely loving the dog walks. Did a dog walk, came back. And in the afternoon, the kids had a party that they went to a kid's party.

I went there and was chatty and sociable to everyone. Josh, very polite. Then I got picked up from the party at five o'clock to go to work. I did a bit of work. Cause I like a weekend where I own a bit of money and enjoy myself. The gig, o'clock to go to work i did a bit of work because i like a weekend where i earn a bit of money and enjoy myself the gig i got taken to a pub in central london to watch the ufc and do a fan commentary of the event oh my god whilst having a few beers oh my god to stay in the office for rob beckett and on the way back my car was going past lou's friend's house where she went for a

little party and i picked her up on the way I thought you were gonna say I went into went in for the party and I just carried on going for it I did went in what went in for half an hour had a quick drink said hello to everyone then jumped in the car went back home went to bed Lou was absolutely smashed out of her brain yeah and the next day she was deadly hungover like yeah it almost felt like she had something seriously wrong with her and she was just slipping away on the sofa and i was just looking at the moment yeah she was yeah but yeah she was and when someone's hung over and you're firing in all cylinders it feels good didn't it to be around someone hung over and you're not drunk but that was great i love that

and then i got up walked the dog whilst lewis hung over then i um took the girls swimming yeah came back cooked some chick buffalo chicken wings watched arsenal beat man united with a 95th minute goal then had a shower hopped in my car went up the creek did a stand-up gig and that my friend is my perfect weekend that's how i want to live god that is mad i did stand up and it was amazing josh just love the feeling of it it's really good yeah because also we all do different things but when you everyone in life has got something they're like half decent at and when they do it and do it well you feel good about it but in life as things move on responsibilities kids don't

always do that thing whether it's golf or whether it's whatever or going out or dj or dj or your job but even when people are good at their job they get to a point where if you're really good at something say you're a really good accountant eventually you work your way up and you're just in charge of other accountants or if you're whatever it is eventually there's not many jobs where you actually continue to do your job the higher up you go. Yeah. Promotions and stuff like that. But stand-up is, you know, and I worked out it was 15 years ago to the actual weekend because it was the first weekend after Edinburgh.

I did my first ever gig at that same venue in Up the Creek. So it was a lovely little weekend, Josh. That is lovely. Oh, well done. I'm glad. And swimming was fun with the kids that was all good and the parties were all good there was no major kickoffs apart the major kickoff at the moment is that lou and the girls are clashing and because i'm quite chilled at the moment um

lou hates that oh also we took them air jump on friday we took them after the service we took them trampolining and i've worked out that the trampoline park, you've not taken your daughter to a trampoline park or your son, have you? I've been to a trampoline, yeah, we have. Big industrial estate ones? No, we've just been to a seaside one in Norfolk. No, no, I'm talking, these are like industrial estates where there's trampolines everywhere. Sounds lovely.

And we went there, me and Lou went there and had a coffee and a chat while the kids went on, because they're old enough for us not to go on the boat. Sounds like you're breaking up, Rob. a coffee and a chat while the kids went on because they're old enough for us not to break up rob let's chat while the kids play okay if we go if we go there they won't be able to hear us but they i think that is the most pound for pound the most tired you can get your kids is the trampoline park they come off bright red face have you ever seen trampolining it's exhausting and that's the only. And that's the only thing. It's so tough. It's the only thing that works, getting them to sleep. The rule is you must stick to this. They're not allowed a slushie after. Because the slushie, that red and blue shit,

will undo all your good work. Yeah. I had this. We went to, it was a different funfair, actually. And my daughter came up to me after she got off a ride. And she said, can I have a smoothie? And I was like, yeah, of course you'd have a smoothie that's that's yeah great i was thinking yeah east london classic she meant a slushy rob and i'd already okayed it no she pushed through the slushy under the word smoothie and did you you got it yeah at the fun fair as well because

i'm weak because we're putting all sorts of shit in that now to keep you at the fair. Yeah. Have we got an ETA yet? What, from your? 9.35. M11's closed. Fucking hell, that is late, isn't it? What's shut, the A11?

M11. Fucking hell, she travels in, doesn't she? Up at quarter past four. It's like Roman Kemp going to do Capital. We had a sleepover as well, Josh, on the Thursday night, as I said. I can hear padding. Hello. Well, that falls quite a good story, actually.

Oh, no, you're kidding. Good stuff, isn't it? For reasons. It's a bit early, is it? I suppose so. Too early for reasons. What kind of fucking miserable shit do you run? No, no, no, because we're on a one box a day strategy.

Oh, okay. Are raisins bad then? They're incredibly sugary, aren't they, raisins? Come on. What? Raisins. You don't want to be the dad that only gives the kids one packet of raisins. My kids are on about three ice creams a day, Josh.

This is unreal. I'm not saying that's okay. kids one packet of raisins. My kids are on about three ice creams a day, Josh. This is unreal. I'm not saying that's okay. No, no, I know. But one pack of raisins seems tight. I'm not going to take the high horse things I gave my son chocolate at 8.50. So who's the raisins for? Your daughter? Yeah. Oh, leave it. She's alright. She'll burn that off.

Yeah, she'll burn it. He can't bowl in with mummy's chocolate and she's allowed one pack of raisins at midday to spread out the sugar Mummy's chocolate is dark chocolate It's a load of crap He likes that He will eat anything It's incredible

He's mad that we're giving him chocolate Because he'll happily eat good food He'll eat olives He'll eat all the things you'd think a child would never eat But I can't believe you even nearly said no to the raisins You're trying to record a podcast in the kitchen It was more because she's on one pack a day strategy i don't want her to use it too early and then have an argument with her at 3 p.m yeah but josh is this like a football negotiation it's transfer deadline day mate you're two days before the start of term

you're trying to do a podcast your wife's ill i'd find i'd get if she if my kid comes here can i have a chainsaw i'm like yeah but don't plug it in off you go here's the thing because i'm downstairs i said to rose i'll just go upstairs and they can come and get me and she's like no you've got to do it downstairs yeah you need to be near the that toast would have you managed to cook toast and do a podcast yeah you cook toast rose said you can't have them free range downstairs what are they gonna fucking do they're just gonna watch pepper pig mate your son is too young for free range yeah i know he's he's your daughter's fine free range but i don't think she's in charge she's in charge he's he who's in charge he's in charge i'm not in charge i'll tell you that for free um i i on the

first day so i'll tell you this and then i i took the kids to mcdonald's well my daughter wanted to go with her friends mcdon McDonald's for tea and uh that she ordered her friend ordered like a Sprite and my daughter hates fizzy drinks and she's tried it and we're not like you can't have it she's just like like does something like fizzy so she went can I have a Fanta and I was like okay I was like obviously because her mate's gone Sprite she's got Fanta one sip of it and was like I hated it and stuff and then um yeah and then I was talking about drinks there like I don't like that that and And then, and then I was talking about drinks there, like, I don't like that.

And then anyway, the other girl was going, I like, I had my mummy's Coca-Cola once and that was nice. And then she said to her, her mate, she went, do you know what I like?

And her mate went, she went, limoncello. And I was like, oh no, that's not what you want. You're coming back from the, I think I mentioned it before as well.

They keep going, cause they're used to having baths before bed, kids. Yeah. My daughter was like, well, we're having a bath. And then her mate was like, we're having a bath. We're like, we're not having a bath. We are not having a bath. There is no way anyone's having a bath.

I'm not even having a bath. No one's having a bath. If we're having a sleepover, no one's having a bath. When you say I'm not even having a bath, I'd say that would be the worst. If you decided to have a bath while they were just loitering around. No one's having a bath. No one's in the bathroom. No one's having a bath.

It's difficult that though. Do you find that with, you don't want to give them like complexes about the naked body. Do you know what I mean? You don't want to go, oh, don't look. But like conversely mean you don't want to go oh don't look like conversely you don't want to be do you know what i mean with your my daughters will have any opportunity to have a look at my dick they'll try and see it yeah all right no but they're just upset they find it hilarious that is so funny and stupid looking though isn't it yeah i've seen it yeah it is um they've they found my old phones and started using them as well my daughters oh yeah so they've

got like phones that like i've got no charge like iphone sixes but wandering around with a completely blank screen but holding it like a parent does and just pretending to use it that is that's confronting behavior isn't it what's that it's confronting about your own behavior when they know how you behave with do you know what i mean like yeah like my son brought me my phone the other day and i thought that's fucking bad oh you need this daddy like bringing your glasses or your shoes yeah and you're like oh god oh god but then i went straight on it obviously thanks very much for that my screen time it's because summer holidays man you need you need

some kind of break well yeah they've invented imaginary friends my daughters for some holidays but just so they can swear so i'll see shit my daughter when i've got an imaginary friend i was like all right what's your friend called she said piss you need the toilet on cue for that freudian slip all right, what's your friend called? She said, piss. You need the toilet? On cue for that. Freudian slip. All right, see you in a bit. It's a little heads up, but she needs a toilet, was that right? I think because of her brother being there.

Just to say... Daddy, can you come with me? Oh, no, I need to go. You're going to have to wipe her arse, aren't you? No, God, Rob, this is not needed. You know what's going to happen as well? You're going to have to wipe her arse aren't you no god Rob this is not needed you know what's going to happen as well you're going to be

wiping her bum whilst I'm talking could you do the small business shout out while I'm gone while you do the small business wipe up yeah yeah

is that alright I'll do a small business alright I'll be back in a minute yeah right here we go hello everyone here we are

with the small business I was now walking to the kitchen so I don't want okay yeah I don't mind doing it but if you want to stop talking over it.

I mean, so am I technically looking after your son now through Zoom? The way you said my son's in the kitchen now. Okay. Here we go. Small business shout-out. She didn't need me in the end. What are you doing? She didn't need me in the end.

I'm back. Okay. Sorry. Do you want to do a small business shout-out? Yeah. God, I'm so sorry about everything. Instead i'm still being so sorry it's okay oh i've got some other couple of bits before we do some more business go on go on okay so um we had like a bouncy castle thing our house yeah and um big up jump it i think jumping jacks or something and um they i paid for it i'm not getting a free

but i just i like the fact you you don't really know what their company name is. So it's not a great freebie. It might be Jumping Jacks, something like that. Big them up. You could guess at that from Bouncy Boys. Big up the old Bouncy Bouncy Boys. Yeah. Just Google Bouncy Castle Southeast.

Bouncy Bouncy Jump Jump Limited. Good lad. Anyway, so we had that and the girls had a couple of friends over to play on it because we had friends and family around. You all right there, Josh? You got your back to me and you're talking to someone else. I wouldn't say that's great. What?

The door. The door. Never has a person been thrown into work so quickly. This poor lady's been stuck on the she's probably been driving for an hour and a half and she has immediately she's immediately again she's already had a pack of raisins he's already had chocolate they're watching pepper pig please don't let come in the kitchen i'm gonna move up to the office in a bit thank you very much cheers bye carol waterman's on in an hour this is a nightmare this is why is it what's happening over a garden chair

and rose just shouted down that that's what it was so now my son wants to go up and see her because i've been telling him that she's too ill uh you do small business and then i'll come back and we'll do a bit at the end. Okay, right. Lovely stuff. So here we go. Small business shout out. Hey guys, after becoming a dad the first time, for the first time, I wanted to,

you can cut out that crying in the background. Cut it, Michael. Should I just pretend it's not there? So not only is Josh not helping me do the podcast, his children are now screaming as I recall, but it's not a problem. I'm an absolute professional. I can do this. sexy mr relatable um i shall let you decide which is which i'd say he's being he's been more relatable today than i am being sexy i hope i'm hoping for

a small business shout out please when we had our sons emrys emrys e-m-r-y-s that's our welsh name em emrys um this is where i need josh because he knows more things than me oh hello um how do you know say the name emrys e-m-y-r-s e-m-r-y-s josh what would you say that is yeah emrys don't know emrys emrys cool good to have you back anyway nearly four years ago we decided to use washable nappies to be more sustainable. Fucking good luck. We loved it and have cloth-bombed our two girls, Elisabeth and Anira. This is a fucking nightmare, isn't it? It's E-L-S-P-E-H.

It looks like someone with a lisp, I'm going to say Elizabeth, Elisabeth, It looks like someone with a lisp, I'm going to say Elizabeth, Elizabeth and Ira, who are two and five months. The only problem is, the only problem, the only problem is that high street clothes often don't fit over the nappies. So when Emery's was six months, I decided to start sewing clothes that would fit better. People started to ask me to sew clothes for their own kids and eventually I started to sell them. I use 100% cotton fabrics and aim for colorful fabrics. The clothes are fit for washable and disposable nappies and are soft and comfortable. So essentially these clothes are handmade and will fit, I don't want to say normal nappies, disposable nappies or the ones full of shit that you wash yourselves that are more sustainable, all power to you.

I don't know if I could stomach it. Anyway, the clothes are fit for washable and disposable nappies and are soft and comfortable. You can find us on Tots Stitched. So Tots Stitched, www.totsstitched.com, or Tots Stitched, so not Tots totstitched, totstitched on Instagram. Thank you for keeping myself and my husband sane through the magical chaos that is parenting.

Thank you so much, Kat. I'll tell you what, I think that was hard to get through, Michael. How do you think I did from an outsider's point of view looking in on that? I think they will screw up finding me at it. You're a good man, Michael edit you're a good man michael you're a good man okay let me do the other one while he's messing about let's try and get something a bit more they're just building the chair in the garden fuck off there's more people in your house that aren't helping with the kids well my son's gone up to my wife to my wife rose what kind of chair is it? I don't know.

I don't think we've got room for a new chair. Why have we bought a new chair? Is it just like a big chair? It's in a box at the moment, so I'm just about to get the full reveal. Because if you're buying one chair, it's not a normal-sized chair. If one chair's arriving...

It's a sofa. A sofa? For fuck's sake. You haven't got space for the sofa, have you? I don't know what's going on. What have you done with the old furniture? I don't know, Rob. It's there.

Do you think this is my doing? Well, no. So, do you have no idea about... It's not the time to ask. Do you know anything about this chair? No. It's not been run by you at all? No. Why don't you text Rose and go, what's the chair? No. It's not been run by you at all? No.

Why don't you text Rose and go, what's the chair? Not in a million years. Yeah, so I thought we're in a partnership here. It'd probably be nice if I got a chair run past me, actually. No, not in a million years. She ordered it at the Spallings. It's got a hole cut in the middle. Right, Josh, I had a nightmare

I had a stiff neck business shout out to do and I had an absolute nightmare with it I know I listened to it I kept coming back I know I know Rob I've heard it all the names are so posh I couldn't say them I couldn't even spell them do you want to do a small business shout out?

Yeah. Okay. I've got one here. Do you want me to do it? And then you can comment on it. Here we go. We are called, here we go.

This is a loose neck one. We are called the karaoke company and our instant Facebook are at the karaoke company. We are up. He's just talking about his garden furniture. And he, what was that? You offered him a cup of tea.

I was direct. Yeah. I directed him to the toilet. Not the upstairs one, is it? He'll come, he'll leave. You have to set it up. He's going upstairs. Yeah, we haven't got a downstairs toilet.

Not the one Rose is using. She's not well. No, no, not that one. It's a health risk. I've not directed him to the en suite. Cut through Rose's line there. Have you offered them a cup of tea, the builders? Yeah.

You've made it? No, they didn't want it. Oh, right. Okay, yeah, a cup of tea, the builders? Yeah. Yeah. You've made it? No, they didn't want it. Oh, right. Okay, yeah, you've got it. Win-win. So I look nice, but I don't have to do it. That would have been, I'd say that you would have been taking on too much

if you had to make them tea now. I think if I'd said, when I did it, I thought, I'm doing this because I'm a nice man, but Rob will be well within his rights to be pissed off at me if I start making this tea. I don't think I could do a shout out to a karaoke business with a kettle boiling in the background it'd feel like a race against time well you'd also see up my kettle is broken at the moment what is my life yeah we haven't we haven't got a new one so you have to you have to hold down the button. Josh.

You basically know it's boiling when your finger starts burning. Because there's the steam. Why didn't you just boil it? Josh, this was literally six months ago, the kettle situation. And I said, order one. And you said, you can't order one without Rose okay in it. Did I? And you've got a garden chair turning up. You don't even know what it's called.

Yeah, but she can order stuff without me, okay. I know. Did I? And you've got a garden chair turning up. You don't even know what it's called. Yeah, but she can order stuff without me. Okay. A man walking past her house. Yeah, I know.

You don't need to wear that, mate. You're building a garden chair. I love you said that as well. All quiet in case they hurt. Yeah. Right. Okay. Here we go.

The Karaoke Company. Yeah. We are called the Karaoke Company now. Our Instagram yeah we are called the karaoke company now instagram facebook are at the karaoke company we're a mobile dj and karaoke hosting service with a difference think karaoke on steroids we have a fully digital solution to karaoke no more random request paper slips getting lost and we offer all the special extras you could ever want to make any event special we are essex based but we'll go anywhere we'd be so grateful if you and your listeners could give us some likes and shares

to help give us a boost thank you so much for all the laughs and the podcast from simon and amy the karaoke company what i quite like is they've been quite coy about their digital solution aren't they they've not told us what that is i've got to go upstairs i've've got to end the podcast. I've just got a text from Rose and it's not good. No? No. What's the text say? Our son's nappy just made her throw up because he's leaking shit. Okay.

Well, thanks for listening, guys. We'll see you on Friday. Fuck my life. Right. Right. Is that okay, Michael?