Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP17: "Most people are awful, and most people are parents..."

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting each week we'll

be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with can you say rob beckett Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Hi Rob and Josh, this is our 23 month old

called Cole Clarence saying your names. Cole Clarence? Cole Clarence. Cole Clarence? Cole as in Ashley. Right. Clarence as in Seedorf. Altogether a gap. Gap. I've been listening since the beginning and love that your podcast comes out on the two days I commute.

I literally get excited to listen. Cole likes listening to the beginning on the way to nursery, so I thought it was about time I sent this in. My husband now makes fun of me because every time I go to tell him something to do with parenting, he says, let me guess, you heard it on your podcast. Stay sexy and relatable. Sophie, 454 months old from Colchester in Essex. Cole from Colchester. Cole from Colchester.

Stephanie McIntosh, old Ashley Seedle for the dad. What a little family. There you go. There you go. Thank you very much. Josh, a few things to discuss. You teased us on Friday about your health kick. No, it's not a health kick at all.

You're on 16A, which is what a lot of people use to lose weight. No, not on 16-8. I tell you what happened is last night we had dinner as a family. We're trying to start doing dinner as a family rather than getting them down and us having dinner at 9pm. Yes. We basically got a decision between dinner at 6 and 9. Neither of which are ideal, I think. Yeah, 6 is a bit early, 9 is too late.

Yeah, so we had dinner at 6 last night. Yeah, what did you have? Well, we went went with the kids dinner rather than making them meet us we had jack potatoes nice what feelings talk me through it as a family all the same options my daughter had cheese classic respect my son had cheese and beans butter in there as well oh yeah take it as red everyone's got butter sure fine my wife my wife my wife rose yeah i had cheese and beans nice and i had cheese right okay ad are you putting them in the oven for two hours kind of vibe or microwave then crisp up ovening but cut up so they're quicker cut up how'd you cut up what do you mean cut up half the spuds before you oven them i never thought about

that they do get a harder bit but i quite like it yeah okay and then salad as well and then cucumber and peppers which is my daughter's absolute go-to for us getting as much vegetables into her as possible because they're the two she really likes so we're constantly feeding her cucumber and peppers but that's good that's a nice family dinner does it go well yeah it Yeah, it did go well. I mean, my son just left, and I just don't know what we could do about that. Well, he just got off the table and wandered off. Yeah. Have you thought about being more interesting?

Yeah, for the last fucking 20 years, mate. It's not got me anywhere. He's too young. What, is he two? He's not going to sit at a table. No. Problem is, I don't want to sit at a table with loads of people. Once I've finished eating, I want to to get up thank you for bringing this up this is a big issue

between me and rose so we'll finish dinner when we're out she'll still have a bit of wine left yeah and i'm like should we get the bill i can get that daniel get home come on come on please how slow are you drinking that fucking wine please oh the worst is you've paid the bill and there's still a little bit of drink. Like, right, should we go then? And I've still got a little bit of drink. Well, fucking drink it. You know where we can go? A place without other people in.

Do you know, I get that Rose is more relaxed than me. I get that. I get that she enjoys that. But I find it really difficult. Have you always been like that? It's got worse over the years the first time i noticed it i know this sounds like an old person but i just don't think the seats are comfortable enough at tables when people say why do they do this i don't get on

i've never been more on team josh can i talk to you about stools in pubs? Fuck off. Perched up there like a little tennis umpire. Give me a big soft seat. Yeah. Back support, armrest. Especially, I'm not going to say it, Josh, I don't want to fall out of here, but when you do go to them little hipster cafes,

the seats are always cheap and shit. Yeah. And they're all rickety and they look cool, but I want a big comfy seat with armrests. Yeah. Do you know what my perfect seat would be in a restaurant? You know them chairs you only see in old age pensioner homes? Yeah, yeah. Like Fraser's dad.

Yeah. And also bit pleathery, wipe clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In case we drop food, in case they shit. Yeah. Those kind of lean back, big arms, love it. Honestly, the moment I finish dinner, I'm like, we've got to go into the living room now.

When people sit there, like you go around for a dinner party and they're just sat on their wooden chairs. There's better options next door to eating whites. I'm faulty with a terrible diet and a slight drink problem. My arse is at risk of piles at the best of times. Never mind sat on your wooden bench for three and a half hours. Exactly. Exactly.

I'm glad we finally got that out there. I feel like we've really bonded over there. I feel there'll be a lot of people at home who feel released from a lie told to them by society. The in-laws is one. When you go to the in-laws and you've got to be polite because you're meeting people the first time and you're just like sort of whispering to your partner going, do I have to just sit on this chair? Can we not just sit in the sofa where it's nice?

Come on. Why do we have to sit at the table and chat? Anyone like a cup of tea? No. I'd like a cushion. I mean, and chat? Anyone like a cup of tea? No. I'd like a cushion. I mean, I know McIntyre's got material on it. When they offer you the coffee in the fucking restaurant. Do you want a coffee?

No. It's fucking 10pm. I don't trust the people that have coffee that late. Has he got material about this? Yeah, he has. Yeah, so now you're accidentally on 16.8 because you've eaten so early. I was like, I finished at 6, so I might as well go to 10 a.m yeah okay fair enough respect actually yeah i was just like i might as well do it because i try and do it a couple of times a week because it's good for your cell renewal yeah it's good to give your stomach a rest isn't it

from processing food so you know it wasn't a health because you don't need to lose weight or anything you're in good shape i don't know rob Rob. Do you know what I'm doing, Rob? Go on. What I've signed up to do. What's that? I don't know if you've seen it come up as an advert on Instagram or whether it's just because of the things I search.

You know the secret diary of a chairman? What's it called? Oh, Stephen Bartlett makes you cry. Stephen Bartlett. It's not called the secret diary of a chairman. It's called diary of a CEO. Stephen Bartlett gets you on, makes you cry,

zooms in on your face and cuts it to make it look like a full emotional Barlet gets you on makes you cry zooms in on your face and cuts it to make it look like a full emotional breakdown and stick it on Instagram.com yeah that one but I've listened to a couple about health

I listened to one about my gut yours in particular that's quite niche no that algorithm's good this one's just about George William Jones yeah I thought it was quite rude

that they started crying I signed up to the Zoe diet what's that is that where you wear a patch yeah I thought it was quite rude that they started crying. I've signed up to the Zoe diet. What's that? Is that where you wear a patch? Yeah. Because I saw loads of people with these patches on their arm on holiday. And I said, Lou, what are they?

And she said, there's three options. One is like old school nicotine. Yeah. The other one is like a diabetes thing. Well, what it does is it measures your insulin levels and updates you on an app. And it can also slow release insulin to manage it so you're not having to inject and then there's also for those people with too much worry too much money too much time on their hands that it tells them how every bit of food they eat affects them it's advertised by davina mccall and she looks fucking healthy mate she looks great i'd say

she's always look fit and healthy you don't wear it forever all right wear it for two weeks and it gives you a readout of your own what your own reaction to different foods is and then you know which foods are affecting you in which way that's actually quite a good idea have you got it on no there's a fucking waiting list i don't get it till october a waiting list yeah so every time i eat a rice cake i think this could be fucking i don't know i think you'll be right should i be avoiding croissants for the next month? They might be my absolute best food possible. I love it if Zoe just went to you.

Just be kind to yourself, mate. Your body can take a cake. You don't need to be doing this to yourself. Just giving you a pet talk. Do you know what it is? I've really tried to eat well recently for energy reasons, and it does affect it. If I eat fucking shit,

I go like that. Yeah, sugar kills me off. If I have a load of sugar, like you think, I'll have a bit of sugar because I've got a busy evening, whatever, you will just crash hardcore. I think I've been doing

a middle-aged dad health kick thing where I go and walk the dog. I walk the dog, it's like a 5K sort of route through woods and I've started running the first bit. Oh, yeah. I was speaking to Joe Wilkinson about it because he's lost so to weight and woods and i've started running the first bit oh yeah i was going to joe wilkinson about it because he's lost so to weight and running he runs all the time yeah

i'm a like bull in a china shop kind of person where we've run and you have to build up slowly so what i've been doing is like the first sort of it's not even probably a kilometer it's like half a kilometer is like up this hill and then it carries on so i've just been running up that hill and i'm doing it every time i take the dog for a walk but I'm like not stopping making sure but then I'm gonna try and go a little bit further each time yeah and do it really slowly and stuff like that and does the dog love it yeah but it's so degrading the whippet it's looking at me and I'm like the whippet's like walking I'm so slow that like what is this the problem I had last week so I went on Sunday and it was busy so like I'm so slow that the wind is like, what is this? The problem I had last week, so I went on Sunday and it was busy, so I'm trying to do it, but then there's loads of people.

So I'm so slow that at points, if I'm running next to a tall man, one strides three of my little runs. So I'm running and he's just walking normally and I'm just next to him. And it's horrible when you walk or go at the same speed as someone. So then I was going faster and then I nearly hurt my legs. I went too fast, but I go so slow. I'm not a runner. I'm so heavy, Josh.

It's horrible. Oh, I'm not. My feet are so heavy when they hit the ground. It's just not my thing. You're just a real slapper. I think my knees are taking a pounding when I go running. Yeah, but it can't be good for your knees, can it? Wait till your little Zoe arm patch tells you what to do.

Oh, mate. Wait until then tells you what to do. Oh, mate, wait until then. We need to do some correspondence, Josh, because we are well behind

unless there's anything else you want to share with the world. I've got into NFL. No, have you? Yeah. Why?

Because I've become disillusioned with football. Why? I wasn't enjoying it anymore. Yeah, but you're in a championship now, aren't you?

No, I'm enjoying Plymouth, but I'm not enjoying the premier league why just not interested in it i'm just finding myself not checking it anymore not knowing what's going on just sort of it's got too mainstream too massive too money driven it's not like i've made a conscious moral decision i've just lost interest yeah get back to nfl sort of grassroots who cares about the money kind of vibe quite an eco sport isn't it nfl but you've put my decision on me i'm just saying i think it's absolutely fine to transport almost a team of 200 across america every weekend in two giant jumbo jets one for equipment one for people just so they can play a silly little game. What's up, team mate? Like what you like. I'm not going to judge.

Who's your team? Have you got a team? Yeah, Cincinnati Bengals. Why are they called the Bengals? Is that allowed? I haven't looked into it. Okay. Bought a hat though.

You bought a hat? So why do you like the Cincinnati Bengals? Because I like their helmets. They've got stripy helmets. They've got stripy helmets, right. He sounds like a sitcom character trying to get laughs away. We're talking about NFL. Logo and uniform.

Why are they called the Bengals? They were modelled on the Cleveland Browns. Why are they called the Bengals? Well, we lost to the Cleveland Browns yesterday. We? Yeah. You're a Bengal, are you? I am. We. It did take long, yesterday. We? Yeah. You're a Bengal, are you? I am. We.

It did take long, didn't it? No. You pick teams with just such shit nicknames. What do you mean? What's Plymouth's? The Pilgrims. Yeah, come on. The Cheese.

What? The Cheese? Oh, Pilgrims' Choice. Yeah. Who's your NFL team? I haven't got one. Well, Eagles, because I went and watched them but I don't really care

why the Bengals called the Bengals I don't think anyone cares no one cares certainly not our listeners should we do some correspondence the most popular answer involves a Cincinnati

beer from the Huda Pole Brewing Company what it's worth those commercials right we've gone off on one let's do some correspondence right yeah

I'll go first say stop stop whatsapp message fail that's my scene oh that's a bit you please keep me anonymous Correspondents, right? Yeah. I'll go first. Say stop. Stop. WhatsApp message fail. That's my scene. Oh, that's a bit you. Please keep me anonymous.

I'm currently a dad to a 20-month-old boy, and our second, a girl, is on the way. I can totally relate to Josh as I spend hours a day in the local park running my boy to tire him out, though it never seems to work. I have been taking him swimming since he was three months old. As always, there's a WhatsApp group

for everything nowadays, including this swimming group. A few weeks ago, a new child started in our class. Oh, no. With a very attractive mum. Oh, here we go. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Well, I think I've got the toxic email that we... No, I don't mean toxic. I'm just imagining the WhatsApp fail. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is horrible. We got chatting one week, and she mentioned that other mums had told her about the WhatsApp group but had not added her on. I stepped up, as you would expect, and took her number and said I'd add her, but could not for the life of me remember her name.

Instead of the embarrassment of admitting this, I saved her in my phone as Fit Swimming Mum. Now, I should admit, I'm not very savvy with whatsapp admin features big fat thumbs sometimes when i see like blokes that aren't very sort of they're plumbers or something like that we don't need to be on top of tech sometimes i ask them to put a number in their phone and it's like i've given the phone to a chimpanzee it's like these big thick calloused thumbs just like pounded into the phone i don't get how you these big, thick, calloused thumbs just like pounding into the phone. I don't get how your, if you are manly, your thumbs get bigger.

I know. Why are their thumbs so big? They're just working with their hands all day. Their fingers just get thicker. It's mad. Is it all just calloused skin? I don't know. But my dad used to be a lorry driver and stuff like that.

And he used to do the petrol. So he used to get all the big tubes and stuff. So he was using his hands. But his fingers are still massive. He's not worked for 10 years. Well, he does. He's put Netflix on. Yeah.

Well, have you got big, thick, working thumbs? Email in. Why have you got them? Have your hands and fingers and thumbs got bigger over the years of working with them if you're a tradesperson or a builder? Let us know about your fingers and thumbs. Yeah, let us know. I think mine are getting smaller.

Now, I should admit, I'm not savvy with WhatsApp admin features, so I couldn't quite figure out how to add her to the group. In my eagerness to impress her, I pressed the plus button next to... Is his man married or is he single parent? That's why he wants to be anonymous? Yeah. Dirty dog. Oh, no, no, he's got my wife.

Oh. It comes up later on. Oh, no. In my eagerness to impress her. No wonder he wants to be anonymous. I pressed the plus button next to the text bar and saw an option of contact. Assuming this would add her to the group, I selected her number. To my horror, when I pressed send, it did not add her to the group.

Do you know what it did? Did it share the contact with the group yeah it shared a contact

card with the title fit swimming for everyone to see what you do is you delete that group

you leave it you delete it and your kid never goes back to that swimming pool to make things worse my wife

is also in the group oh in my eagerness to impress her is what worried me there so I had some explaining to do To make things worse, my wife is also in the group. My eagerness to impress her is what worried me there. So I had some explaining to do. I told her it must have autocorrected from new swimming mum. Oh.

But she was having none of it. New swimming mum? New. Not nude. New. New. Needless to say, it was a few embarrassing weeks at the swimming lessons until the teacher fell into the pool fully clothed and the group went into overdrive talking about this.

Nice. Hopefully my misdemeanor has now been forgotten about. Thank you for the podcast for being sexy and relatable, although not as sexy as this mum. There's an absolute red flag, this guy. He might as well get a red flag tattooed on his forehead no not as sexy as his mum with two exclamation marks he loves his mum but also he's talking about it the same way as a naughty school boy would about a teacher yeah this unobtainable sexy mum that's involved oh i enjoyed that i do notice about moms and dads

at school gates where you see them when they've got like a two-year-old and then like a four or five-year-old that's starting and they look like people that have just survived some sort of like earthquake where they're like hairs all over the place clothes and then like about two years later once both kids are in school they're a bit more more together, I'm like, who are those two? Lou go, they've been here all this time. I went, no, they haven't. And they'll go, that's so, I go, fucking hell, they scrub up all right, don't they,

when they're not being dragged through the trenches by a toddler. Lou got distracted by the fit dad at the school pickup before, didn't she? Yeah. She went all coy. He was fit though, to be fair. Do you want some sports day pedants? Yeah.

Hi, Rob and Josh. You talked recently about changes to primary school sports days. My son just finished year six. And so we're all looking forward to the final sports day. The highlight is often the sprints race where the fastest boys and girls race against each other in their year groups. We were disappointed to find this missing from the program and a relay race in its place.

When we asked our son about it later he had questioned his teacher about it and why there were no sprint races she replied it's because last year several parents had emailed in to complain that the wrong child had won the sprint race even going as far as to provide photographic evidence of the finish line. No. RIP the sprint race. Keep up the good work. I've been listening since 2020, Caroline and Kent. Imagine. The thing is, Josh, in life, most people are awful.

And most people are parents. They will be there. It's just like a workplace. There's people there you get on with. There's people you don't. There's people you've got no opinion on. Same with people at school. What percentage of people do you dislike, do you think, Rob?

In the world? In the UK. You know what? I don't think it's that high. Do you know what it is? The bad ones are vocal. Yeah, yeah. Because the nice, polite people, if I bump into them in the street and stuff like that,

hello, you all right? Because they are polite and they're chilled. Yeah. They've got their heads together. They're just floating along, enjoying life. It's the ones that are fucked up that I attract. It's like a moth to a flame. Did I show you the photo of the bloke who,

so I was in a pub watching the boxing. Yeah. And people coming up to chat to me and wanted photos, which was fine. But like when the actual boxing's on, I'm like, yeah, I'll have a photo. But I'm sort of watching the box. It was like the Eubank Smith.

So I'm like watching it. And it's not's not like football in boxing you've got to watch it non-stop because at any moment it can be the moment yeah whereas in football if they're in the middle of the park or it's a free kick so i'm like yeah and they're like sorry mate you're not really looking at the picture i went yeah but i'm just trying to watch the boxing as well like don't miss the because you're being a bit rude actually well i am actually in here watching the boxing and the longest you have to wait is three minutes in between rounds. And then we're in. Then we can do a full minute of photos on yours.

I can do whatever you want. This bloke. I've never, I mean, I don't think we could put this picture on Instagram, but I've never seen a man so drunk in my life wanting a picture. I didn't understand a word he said, but he was with me and screaming at me. Oh, my God. You can see the boxing on in the background look how pumped up that guy is oh my god now that man is on a night out that's not the face i'm looking

at the face i'm looking at is look how scared you are petrified absolutely petrified you're looking good but i mean in comparison well mate compared that guy is absolutely battered shouting in my face you're being rude because you're not looking at my camera. As he's like so drunk. I think also you do attract people like that, Rob. Two of us in a pub in central London. Also, he will be at Sports Day

one day, that guy. Yeah. People do see their kids as an extension of them. Yeah. And if they don't do well, they feel like they're not doing well but your definition of well who cares who wins pe sports day who gives a flying who gives a shit i was at sports day once and i was like oh well done thumbs up and said to my daughter well done that was good and someone said oh what did she win i was like no she just did it i mean like the implication of

that is you only give them a thumbs up when they win. Yeah. Was it a pat on the head? One of them parents who don't cuddle their kids. I'd say enjoy paying for years and years of therapy. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. Here's some work experience stuff. When I was 15, we talked about work experience a few weeks ago,

hence why these are coming in. When I was 15, like many other in my year at school, I applied for work experience. I was absolutely delighted to be spending two weeks in a veterinary surgery in Chelmsford. I've got to go to the vet later, Rob. Why? I've got to take the cat in for a checkup.

Beryl's kidneys again. No, it's Eddie. Eddie? What's wrong with Eddie? Well, the other one looks exactly like Beryl. All right. This is the problem, Rob. I can't really tell the difference.

I'm only going to be about 80,20 that I'm taking the right cat in. Would Rose know? Yeah, Rose knows every single time. So why doesn't Rose point the cat out? Because Rose's in Cornwall. Right. I've got to catch the cat. Are you and Rose ever actually at the house at the same time anymore?

Have you split up? I said this yesterday. Every time I speak to you, you've just come home and she just left. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say. Go on. I said, I'm not saying this in a bad way, but we almost haven't got a relationship anymore. What did you say, in the good way but what i meant was the last two weeks of summer holiday were just extreme parenting and we were never together without the kids especially because

your kids do different things because they're different ages kind of thing yeah and then the whole of september i'm working or she's away working cornwall or there's just never a moment when there's just the two of us but it's fine you like that no no i didn't say that i just think you've just got to accept this is the path for the next month and then get back to normal right and what happens if when you go back to normal you don't like it as much as the last month i can honestly say rob yeah if my next month is as bad as september then my life needs some serious questions because september is a tough old month just give you an idea how much i want to be home how little amount of time at home and how i'm

trying to see as much of my kids as possible yeah we finished filming in Cumbria at 10 30 next Saturday in the evening and I've asked to get a car home which will arrive home at 5 30 in the morning I don't think that's a good idea it is it is because otherwise I lose the Sunday to travel and on Monday I'm doing pointless. So it's like I just want some time with my family. Will you be able to sleep in the car? Yeah. Got my pillow.

All right, okay. So if you can sleep, Ben, that'll be all right. But it's just if you can sleep or not, isn't it? Yeah, I'll be fine. That poor driver. Yeah, but that That'll be alright. But it's just if you can sleep or not, innit? Yeah, I'll be fine. That poor driver. Yeah, but that's... He's taken that job. I'm not just getting someone from production to drive me. Like, it's someone who's a night driver. Yeah, this

runner. He's 16, but he's alright. He's not passed his test, but we'll put the plates on. Anyway, I've got to go to the vet. Oh, yeah, sorry. After this, I've got to hope the cats are still in the house and they're in prison the right way. But what's Eddie in for? Rose thinks she's a bit peaky. What's that mean?

She's a bit thin and she's not being herself. But enough about Rose. So surely if the cat's peaky enough to go to the vets, you'll be able to tell which one's which? Yeah, I can't tell if she's peaky enough to go to the vets, you'll be able to tell which one's which. Yeah, I can't tell if she's peaky. Yeah, then I'd argue she's not peaky enough. I can't tell which one's which, Rob. I'm not a good judge.

Yeah, no, but surely you should be able to tell which one's healthy, which one's not healthy. That warrants a vet visit. What I'm saying is, if one's ill enough to go to the vets, you'll know. Yeah, it's a check-up. Right. I think at the moment, you need more of a check-up than the cat.

You're not far off. It's only rather cooler though, the vets, isn't it? It's in one stead. Yeah, but the problem is, if you take Beryl that isn't peaky... No, I'm not going to take Beryl. I tell you how I can tell the difference. Yeah. Because Beryl's operation, I can feel under her and I can feel her.

There's a big scarring thing. Right, and Eddie's got a cock. No, they're both girls. But she's called Eddie? Yeah, from Ab Fab. Right, okay. E-D-I-E. It's difficult.

When your cat doesn't write it down, it's hard to tell. And they do that funny thing where they give them your surname in the vets. So that's Eddie Widdicombe. They'll go, are you calling about Beryl Widdicombe? And you're like, that is funny. No, actually, it's Eddie. She looks a bit peaky. Yeah.

Fair enough. Yeah. When I was 15, two weeks at veterinary surgery in Chelmsford, I was interested in becoming a vet and loved animals. So even though it took me about an hour and a half to get there, I was over the moon. I thought I'd be walking dogs Sorry, we started this correspondence about

ten minutes ago. We've gone on a journey of your cats and your current relationship status. We've just sort of gone right back to Chelmsford Vets sorry just making a laugh

you alright are you alright yeah I'm totally fine okay I thought I knew all for the purposes of the audio

is Josh did that thing where you put your hand out and wobble it slightly you know the little give and go but I'm looking forward to chatting to you after you come back

from Cumbria are we not doing one when you're doing Pointless and go. But I'm looking forward to chatting to you after you come back from Cumbria. Are we not doing one when you're doing Pointless then? Next Monday I'm doing Parenting How and then I've got a doctor's appointment and then I've got a meeting. Then Pointless later that week, after the Cumbria adventure. Pointless, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

And then on Friday I'm doing the voiceover for a children's TV show. This is my week off. My one week off of five from filming oh so that's the week off from filming yeah you're going to be filming yeah

you're going to be the saddest voice you're going to have to really put some effort in for that voice I'm doing two voiceovers in one day you're going to have to really ramp it up mate let me take you through next week Rob go on 9am till midday parenting hell Monday yep you through next week. Go on. 9am till midday, Parenting Hell Monday. Yep.

Doctors 2pm, meeting in town 2 till 4. Pointless. With the doctor is that? After the doctor? After the doctor. 2.30 maybe. Sure, it's not the dentist. Really nice.

Really good stuff. Thank you. Pointless, 10am till 6.45. Yep. Pointless, 10.30 till 7.15. Yep. Pointless, 10.30 to 7.15. I've got parenting held to be confirmed one hour at 9am.

I'm not sure I can do that. Live cancellation, guys. Live cancellation. Have we got anyone in for that day, Michael? Here you go. It's been cleared already, that one. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look at you, getting your week back already.

Yeah. Friday, voiceover for CBeebies show. I'm doing the voiceover for the character. Exciting, isn't it? Oh, he's excited. Could we say which show? Yeah, it's called Big Lizard. Big Lizard.

I'm very excited. It's fun to do. It's weird, though, because that's the nickname of your penis as well, it's called Big Lizard. Big Lizard. I'm very excited. It's fun to do. It's weird, though, because that's the nickname of your penis as well, isn't it? It is. And the afternoon, I'm doing a voiceover for an Acaster podcast thing. Right. James Acaster. James Acaster.

So that's going to be an intense week. And then you can see the kids at the weekend. Saturday, see the kids. I'll see the kids in the evenings and in the mornings. Yeah, when you get back from Pointless at 8pm. I mean, that's just having a job, isn't it? Monday to Friday, really. Yeah, you've just got a job there.

Basically, you're just not seeing the kids as much. And then Sunday, I go to a birthday party. Oh, that'd be nice. Yeah. I thought I'd be walking dogs who came in for operations cuddling kittens making endless cups of tea and coffee for the vets feeding the animals and maybe even cleaning out the kennels it's a work experience in chelmsford's vet yeah yeah back to that what followed was very different and a lot more hands-on than what i anticipated my first day in the job started with observing a vet expressing a Labrador's anal glands.

Oh, they're big boys as well, Labradors. Oh, my God. Unfortunately, she missed the trajectory of where the contents would go, and it ended up in my hair. Oh, my God. What the fuck's an anal gland, and what's in it? I don't know. I don't want to Google it, though.

At lunch, I made tea for everyone, standard work experience stuff, and then stood at the corner of an operating theatre and watched while a dog was castrated. Oh, my God. At 15. It was way more graphic than I first thought, and I almost passed out. Do not Google dog anal gland, by the way. No.

In my second week, the Vex asked if I would mind being there while an elderly cat was put down. Fucking hell. What was she in for? She looks a bit peaky. She'd come into the straight and I'd spent a lot of time fussing over her in my first week. Oh my God. She was really unwell and didn't have an owner.

So I held her while she went to sleep. Fucking hell. Is she a vet now? As brutal as it sounds, I learned so much from being up close to procedures and the reality of what goes on in a veterinary surgery. The vets and nurses were so lovely, and though I loved it,

I didn't end up being in a vet. I actually work in elderly care now. All right. Stay sexy and relatable. Best wishes, Sinead High Wycombe, formerly Romford. I'll tell you what, though. I'd say that squeezing the anal glands of a dog

isn't what gets you into being a vet. It's something you put up with to be there. They've almost, like, hazed her there, haven't they? Yeah. Given her the most difficult... What's the comedy equivalent of anal glands on a dog? Leaving Cumbria at 10.30pm. What am I doing?

I just want Sunday. I just want Sunday. You're getting it, boy. You're getting it from 5.30am on no sleep. Oh, fuck. Hi, Rob and Josh. Following on from my work,

the work experience chat, I had to email you to tell you about a former student of mine who had an awful first day on her work placement. We managed to get her on a local pet shop which

she was excited about however she was very nervous about making the phone call to introduce herself before going so i'm not 100 sure she actually made the call if so then what happened could be considered a little bit her fault she went in on the first day and there was a bit of confusion about who was supervising her but she was told to go into a room to help one of the staff members what we didn't know was the pet shop was attached to a vet and the girl had been mistaken for a student vet nurse she's done a guy goma oh that the driver that got mistaken as the interview on bbc he's suing the bbc and he is he for like money that they learned from that. You know, it was that guy that went into the news. Guy Gomer?

That guy, Guy Gomer. Hang on, let me... He'll sue for royalties. Guy Gomer went to BBC for a job interview. He wasn't a driver, actually. In 2006, ended up on air when he was mistaken for an IT expert. It was so good. His little cheeky smile.

Job interview. This is heavy, isn't it? They're filming it. Yeah, so he's His little cheeky smile. His job interview must have been, this is heavy, isn't it? They're filming it. Yeah, so he's suing for royalties. Fair enough. It is a classic clip. Also, as well, the guy that he went in, have you ever seen what the guy looks like?

The other person was called Guy. Oh, was he? And his name was Guy Cuny. And I was expecting maybe it was another black guy. It's a bit of casual racism, but no, the whitest man that ever lived. There he is. White man for beard. Both called Guy.

God, I bet that researcher got a fucking... I mean, that's a long time ago. They might be working quite high up TV now at the moment. If you are that researcher, do get in touch. Yeah, if you are the person that put Guy Gomer on air yeah we'd love to talk to you but there is a legal case pending so i might want to wait but to resume from the crown court we didn't know there was a pet shop was attached to the vet and the girl had been mistaken for student vet nurse she walked into the operating theater as a vet was castrating

a dog and she fainted shortly after entering would you faint yeah i would if i thought i was going out to get some more cat litter to put on the shelf if you told me a dog was getting castrated i think i'd get ready for it but if i thought i was walking into a stock cupboard and i saw there was a dog having his balls cut off. Also, it always depends on the dog. Yeah. Because there's some dogs, and it looks like a little hamster's having it done, but there's some dogs where it looks like a hairy man's getting his knob cut off.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's balls, but you know what I mean. Cheers for the laughs. They're very much needed in the middle of the night when my one-year-old screams the house down because she's having a difficult poop. Thanks, Kate from Hyde. That's the reason I'm not a big fan of Labradors is they've got a big, thick knob that's wobbling about

when they're on dog walks. Horrible. And it sort of angles down like a sort of plough. But if you had a little farm, you could drag it along. Yeah. And plough the field. Do you want me to read one out? Yeah, why not?

This is a bit of a parenting tip, this one. Oh, yeah, hit me. Parenting hack. Hi, Rob and Josh. In a recent me to read one out? Yeah, why not? This is a bit of a parenting tip, this one. Oh, yeah. Hit me. Parenting hack. Hi, Rob and Josh. In a recent episode, you asked for parenting hacks, and I felt I had to write in and share, as I honestly think this is the best thing I've ever come up with in my parenting career.

I have a six-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son. Perfect for you, Josh, this. A few years ago, I used to dread taking my then three-year-old to the shop so she would inevitably have a meltdown when I wouldn't buy the endless items that she fell in love with in each shop my tip is buy all the items good buy all the items don't worry about it my youngest always wants a teddy even now she wants to tell you it's like even at the service station and then rubbish ones she just picks it up and goes it does made it anyway this lady she said, that's when the list was born.

I started telling her that although we wouldn't buy each item today, she could put it on the list. Is it a Christmas birthday? Good behavior list. I hear you ask. Well, it's all of them and none of them at once. I've never been specific and it's all stored in my head.

It works an absolute tree. And ever since when she sees something she likes, she asks, can it go on the list? And when I say yes, she fist pumps the air with glee we have not had a single tantrum about not buying something since occasionally she tries to test me to see if it's really all stored in my head but as she adds so many things to it each time we go out all i have to do is reel off a few random toys and she's convinced and she can't remember what's on it either every now and then

she'll put something extra special right at the top of the list and I do actually make a note of the item for birthdays, et cetera. This is great stuff. This is from Danielle. Yeah, this is really good. And she said, now that she's a bit older, I've also extended the concept. When I want her to do something she's reluctant to do and I have to do the inevitable wall in one, two, three,

and I can get to three, something gets taken off the list. I don't say what item comes off it, though, so she's always terrified it'll be something she really wants so does what I'm asking straight away. This is unbelievable. This is like Bitcoin. It's sort of like money that doesn't exist. This is beyond.

This is actually hard to get my head around. I hope this might help other parents struggling with embarrassing shopping meltdowns it's been a game changer so the list can I get this I'll put it on the list yeah so for when you've got pocket money or birthday that's great good work Daniel I really like the list are you going to try the list I'm going to try the list

I think I might try the list yeah I'll talk to Rose when I see her in about four weeks well what's on your list speaking to my wife just seeing my wife seeing my wife we had a cup of tea in the garden while both of them watched pepper pig yeah and i was so happy yeah i was like this is living this is being married and i reckon it lasted 15 minutes yeah well i had to go down to i didn't have to it was a lovely visit of losing extended family.

We drove down to Portsmouth for the day, for her nan's birthday. Two and a half hours there, really bad traffic, two and a half hours back. Was there for a few hours. It's five to six hours of driving. We get back,

I'm trying to shove some food in because I'm going to go and play football that night. So I've already done six hours of driving that day. I'd eaten and stood up in the kitchen because I needed to eat something before i went so it wasn't too close to playing and i sat down i went i'm just gonna sit down for 10 minutes to let my food go down and then i'm gonna go and get my stuff on and go and play football i lasted five minutes before a kid cried that is mental isn't it you should be able to do 10 minutes i mean i'd sat down all day driving but yeah well that's nice we can have a cup of tea with Rose in a month.

Yeah, I'll look forward to that. By the way, we've got chairs for our garden and they're having to slowly, Rose is getting annoyed and rightly so because Rose bought me and my daughter tomato seeds because we like to garden together for Christmas. I've done too many tomato plants, Rob. So it's gone crazy?

Our garden's gone fucking mental. So you just said you garden seats, though? Do you remember that garden chair that got delivered? How can we forget? Well, it's slowly moving further and further down the garden as the tomato plants overtake the patio. Right, OK. And is it a nice chair?

Do you like the chair? Yeah, I do like the chairs, yeah. Have you replaced a kettle yet? Should we do one more email? Why haven't you replaced a kettle yet should we do one more email why haven't you replaced a kettle josh because i haven't got round to it 15 seconds on the internet i reckon you could order a kettle in the time it takes for you to say hello welcome to parenting hell yeah i could i could all right one more and we'll do small business here we go yeah apparently

fail hi rob and josh love your podcast as always thank you for being so sexy and unrelatable i recently got married and we have an 11 month old son who we took on a honeymoon in skiafos greece skiafos our son ran riot for the entire holiday he started walking at nine months yep happened to me absolute carnage deadly they've got no idea what they're doing but there's no sense of danger and just wants to climb and explore everywhere. He also refuses to sit in a high chair for any meal and prefers us to chase him with a spoon, which isn't the best restaurant etiquette. Again, I can't repeat this enough. Don't bother having a holiday until your youngest is four years old. Put the money in a savings account and have an amazing holiday then. The rest of the time is awful. Now, while we were booked an island hopping cruise for the day i was a little nervous as it was 10

a.m to 6 p.m and our son isn't good at napping went out however i thought i might be able to get him down when sailing to another island in a quiet corner of the boat you fucking lunatic who is this queen of positivity oh yeah i'll just get him to nap on the boat. I realised I'd made an error when as soon as we left the dock, they started handing out free shots and the music started blasting Avatar. It turns out we'd accidentally taken our baby to a boat party. The trip ran late and we were stuck on the boat till 8pm with a very tired and grumpy baby that kept trying to climb off the sides. Oh, my God.

Megan Jordan Isler. Genuinely, do little mini breaks in the UK, but don't fly anywhere. Don't waste your money until the youngest is four. It feels like a million miles away, but it's not relaxing, is it, Josh? No. It's not a holiday. No, it's not. Unlike Whitstable.

Right. Have you gone three years in a row, Whitstable? We haven't talked about it, but that's because we haven't talked to each other. Not because we've fallen out. Chance will be a fine thing. Need to talk to someone to fall out with them. Just never see her.

Just always at work with that new bloke she works with right the small business shouts also can we say thank you so much because we don't really thank the listeners thank you so much for supporting these small businesses yeah loads of people commenting that you know these big companies we all buy things off like they couldn't care less worth billions but these companies that we promote on here that you guys are engaging with booking or ordering stuff from it genuinely makes a massive difference to their year and their future so thank you so much for supporting them we really do appreciate it i've got a couple more here do you want to go first josh or yes hi rob josh michael i hope this email finds you well sexy and relatable i'd be super grateful for a pretty stiff neck small

business shout out well i'm your man i own a small online business called love ethical pronounced love ethical there's only one e so the e is it's one word l-o-v-e-t-h-i-c-a-l selling vegan and cruelty free beauty products and toiletries customers can also feel to the products lived by other ethical values too such as plastic free packaging palm oil free oh yeah and companies that donate to charity etc big up the orangutans being up the orangutans my website is www.loveethical.com people can find me on Insta at love ethical underscore official. Thanks so much for the opportunity. I run the business by myself alongside my nine to five.

So any exposure would be amazing. Esther. A lot of people ask me about the bouncy castle I had the other day, which I paid for no freebies. And I forgot the name of them. I guessed it, but this is a small business shout out for them. Jumping Jack's bouncy castles was first established in 1987.

The previous owner decided to sell the company. It was during COVID and Emma and I were both in jobs when we were constantly having to sell furlough. So we took the jump, no pun intended, and sold our house in the country to move back to Bromley to where it all started. We bought the company

with just over 50 castles, some soft play, two staff members and a van. Two years on, we have doubled our stock to 100 inflatables, lots more soft play and garden games. We now have 15 members of staff and four vans. Recently, we also invested in our very own burger van for our events and to hire to schools, festivals and parties. As a family-run business, we pride ourselves on health and safety and cleanliness.

All we want is for our clients to be happy with our services and make sure that kids and adults are safe on all our inflatables we've been building all this whilst parenting our three-year-old twins neve and george we are based in bromley but cover kent surrey southeast southwest london you can find us on instagram facebook or our website jumping jacks bouncycastles.co.uk that's emma and robert cavanaugh um yeah they were they were really good as well lewd booked them i had no involvement whatsoever, but yeah, it's very clean, which some bouncy castle we've had in the past, they look like a crime scene.

So big up, jumping jacks, a little family business. There we go. Right, Josh, I'll see you on Friday for another guest. Friday, Friday, big one. Friday. The big one. Thursday. See you on Friday, Rob, for the absolute biggest guest you've ever had.

Would you say you speak to me more than Rose? I don't know how much Rose speaks to you. Oh, here he is. Here he is. Pointless won't know what's in it. No. A man asleep at a desk. Bye.

Bye.