Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP19: How do you make your kids like each other?

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting each week we'll

be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with jessica yeah can you say Rob Beckett? Yeah. Go on. Rob Beckett.

And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Good girl. I enjoyed the bit where she just said yeah. I really like that one because the mum spoke normally, right? Sometimes parents talking to their kids gets a bit too, well done, Poppy. Fuck off, Poppy. It was deeply average, right?

But that was good. She did it well. The mum sounded normal. And a bit of attitude at the start, Josh. I'd say that's an 8.5 for me. Yeah, strong one. This is a recording of our 25-month-old Jessica saying her names. First attempt, no practices.

I've been listening now for three years. Since moaning to a friend that nobody ever talks about the rubbish side of being a parent, she laughed and directed me straight to your podcast. I've been a huge fan ever since. Please keep doing what you're doing. Emily, originally from Cambridge, now living in Staffordshire. Lovely stuff. Have you done Stafford Gatehouse, Rob?

Have I? Yes, I have, mate. Numerous times, in the big room, the little room, all over it. Yeah, Stafford Gatehouse, Rob? Have I? Yes, I have, mate. Numerous times in the big room, the little room. All over. All over it. Yeah, Staffordshire. How are you, Josh? What's going on with you? Good. I'm good. I need to give you a cat update, don't I? Yeah, so you were having to take a cat to the vet,

but they look exactly the same, so you were worried you were going to take the one that didn't need... No, one looked peaky. Well, according to Rose. I think you're a better cat owner than me because i just sort of i wouldn't know if my cat looked peaky or not i know when they look thin right well i want you to save that thought for after i've told you this story about whether i'm a better cat owner than you right i just sent you a picture of the two cats that we'll put on our instagram to give people an idea okay sure how um easy names again beryl and eddie well it's quite easy one sat down one stood up josh

it's good stuff the whole family can enjoy that kind of humor uh well yeah so it looks to me that is there a tiny bit of gray on the, no they've both got that little bit of grey on the chest. They are black cats, long haired black cats with green eyes and both have got a little bit of grey on their chest that is a tough spot. They're sisters. Sure. No surprise there.

And so I finished recording this at about 12. Oh Josh I've written a really good joke I've started doing comedy again do you want to hear my joke? You've started doing comedy again. Do you want to hear my joke? You've started doing comedy again? Yeah. Well, no, I've always been doing it, but stand-up gigs.

Yeah, yeah. Do you want me to do a joke and see if you think it's funny? I was really happy with it. Well, I'm going to have to say it's funny, whatever, yeah. Well, no, I think you'd be honest. We talk about matching pyjamas, you know, at Christmas. Right, yeah. And I say I'm middle class now,

so we all have matching pyjamas, me and my wife and my kids I mean growing up me and my brothers we didn't have we didn't oh I fucked it up shit

oh no oh no oh no there's really a confidence hit that is basically the punchline is we didn't even have matching parents oh that's good

that is good yeah it's good but it needs to be that's the problem I'm in between I've got the stuff but I can't deliver it properly yet Josh

and it's really hit my confidence anyway talk to me about cats could I talk to you about the fact you have matching pyjamas at Christmas with your whole family erm

with Lou and the girls yeah you can if you want bit weird isn't it yeah a little bit I'm not really into it but Lou is and it's just not worth upsetting everyone

she's also when we go Disney wants to wear matching tops and I don't like that no I don't like that I hate it I saw that from Beckett

and he was dressed like his and he was dressed like his family. He was dressed like his family. I saw, so the other day, we were for a dog walk, and I saw a couple, middle-aged couple, walking along, and they both had shorts on and a polo shirt, but they both had matching colours, but the shorts were like a lemon colour, and the top was like a violet,

and I was like, they were like literally matching clothes, but I don't know if it was an accident or not, but me and Lou were in matching clothes, but we were just wearing like black active wear, because we were going for a long walk, but I think lemon shorts and a violet top is a strange... Yeah, that's a strange combo, isn't it? Yeah. That's a strange combo. Anyway, let's talk about your cats.

So, I go downstairs... A lesser comedian would say, you're pussies. Yeah, yeah, but you're back doing comedy now, so you've got gear ready to go. Are you tired? I'm really upset. Yeah, I'm really tired, and I thought that would be a fun little thing to kick off with,

talk you through some of my new jokes. And I completely fucked it up, and now my head's gone. I've got a gig tonight, Josh. I'm burning a candle at both ends top secret comedy you've gigged there haven't you

oh big time mate it's got the most disgusting toilets ever awful and this is I'll give you another little joke I'll do there Josh

it's quite pathetic now I don't know why I'm doing this I always go top secret comedy I'll tell you what's top it's so secret the cleaners don't even know

where the fucking toilets are that's nice. And they laugh sometimes. And then you think, well, that's of no use when I get this fucking tour together. Yeah, well, I'm in Staffordshire. That's not going to work in their lovely theatre with their lovely toilets. Anyway, sorry. Wake up, Rob.

Good evening, Staffordshire. Has anyone been to Top Secret Comedy in Covent Garden? Basically, if you haven't, I'll explain. They've got some pretty mucky loos. All right, sorry, Josh, let's get back on track.

I'm knackered as well. I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm burning the, I'm not just burning the candle at both ends, Josh. I'm lying in the middle and chucking it on a bonfire.

My candle is wet. Wet and hot. Why is your candle so wet? My candle's dripping wet of heat just because I'm getting up at six-ish with the kids to get them into school. Because now they've got new clubs.

My daughter goes swimming at 7.45am. Oh, fuck that. It's too early. Fuck that. Who the fuck is she? Adam Peaty? Anyway, because she's getting a bit older. Does she want to sort of do swimming like

that do on the swim team i was like probably not no because it involves me having to get up at 6am and drive into a fucking pool i was in the car today you like swimming don't you don't you want to race dear she was like no brilliant don't race don't if you're gonna if you're gonna commit time to a sport do one that earns you good money yeah do you know what i mean unless you really love it but anyway but yeah because i was at secondary school i had a friend and he was about 15 and he was swimming competitively and he'd have to grow up and you're like you're not gonna make it by this age mate you're not even the best in devon yeah but also even if you do like i don't you know no offense toay, he seems like a good guy. Rebecca Adelinson, Duncan Goodhue, Sharon Davies.

Duncan Goodhue is your third one off the... Yeah, unless you're Michael Phelps, who's like mega star, but, like, you're not earning much more than a championship level footballer, are you? But you've got up at 6am every morning. And you're in a swimming pool all the time. And you've got, like, you're on your own, you're not in part of a team. I don't know, I just sort of feel like and you're in a swimming pool all the time and you've got like you're on your own you're not even part of a team I don't know

I just sort of feel like if you're going to commit to getting your kid to sort of do a sport loads they've got to really love it or at least pivot them into like

tennis if you've got girls as well tennis or golf is probably the biggest earner Rob it's not about earning it's about love of the sport

is swimming sport let's go I don't really think I know this is bad Rob, it's not about earning. It's about love of the sport. Is swimming sport? Let go. I don't really think... I know this is bad. I don't really think walking, running or swimming is sport. I quite like running. Swimming. I don't mind long running.

You can't see what the fuck's going on. It's just eight different splashes. And you've seen which splashes I had. It's basic. If you've got the biggest feet in hands, you're going to win. Yeah, it's not what I've seen. Anyway, let's get back to your cat. Sorry.

But can I just say, sitting on the side for swimming, it fucking stinks. I know, it's horrible. It's like Top Secret's bloody toilets. Yeah, exactly, mate. Exactly. It's too hot and it stinks and you're just sat there going this isn't relaxing so what would be your best and worst sport

say your kid got into sport one of your kids and they were like basically going pro so you're there four days a week but Saturday and Sunday

what would you pick chess what would be the best and worst chess indoors dance no pub pub I don't want to go to a pub I don't think I could handle rugby Chess Indoors Dance No Pub

I don't want to go to a pub I don't think I could handle rugby Rugby's the worst I think Rugby's the fucking worst mate It's awful I hate it You can't see what's going on

It's just a big bundle isn't it It's Right Here's my question with rugby How do you know who's good and bad in the scrum? They're all just pushing together That's a great nudge there from number three How's one of them playing for England?

You don't know who's... They're all just pushing, is it? It just makes no sense. It's shit. Yeah. It's fucking shit. It ruined my school days. Did you have to play at school?

We played it a couple of times, but our school was very sort of South East London school. So in the end, they just let us do basketball, ping pong or football. Oh, mate. We used to do a term of rugby every year and it was

fucking terrifying. Did I tell you that I was basically I yo-yoed but our PE groups were higher and lower. So the year was split into two. So there was four PE groups and on each side of the year we had a higher

and a lower. And I yo-yoed. I was either depending on the year, we had a higher and a lower. And I yo-yoed. I was either, depending on the year, the best in the lower. We're literally kids weren't finishing the 100 metres. It was fucking brilliant. Or I was the worst in the higher and I was playing rugby with the rugby team and me. And it was awful. Yeah, you must have got absolutely battered.

Yeah, I used to run ahead of the ball so they couldn't pass to me like just slightly ahead did you have your asthma pump like in hand or was that just on the sideline no no no i i was never that bad enough for it to leave the dressing room really the changing room sorry well that's the thing i there was kids i remember at school that had asthma and it's like you know everyone talks about like it's all about mindset you know like 80 percent of just a high level sports mindset is, like, fitness and knowing what you're doing. And then you would scream, oh, you, have you got your asthma pump in case you need it when we do sport? I'm like, you're not really inspiring him to success, are you? They're just screaming at a boy, have you got your asthma pump?

It was awful, mate. It was fucking awful. There was just a big kid called Sean Devenish, who was just... I can picture him. He is massive. He's fucking massive. If he gets the ball, that's a try.

And on the other side, there was another big kid called James Penfold. Same thing. It was just those two. Did they ever fight after school, ever? No, they were friends, I think. I don't remember. They were both, I think,

farmers. Big thick neck, big thick fingered farm farmers. Big old necks, mate. We're like, we're talking about big fingers of a working man

last podcast. The big neck of a farmer. Hay bales at the age of six. Get on with it. They would get time off for bailing season. That's mental. Just hire someone. don't get your

take your child out of education just pay an adult to do your job right um oh the cats

that's what we talk about okay it's the cats so I go downstairs after we've recorded and she's there and I think we've got to go

at three and it's this is three hours time but i reckon get her in the bedroom now yeah yes because that's where i lock her in the bedroom right okay uh lock in the bedroom our bedroom put a litter tray up there leave it and so after an hour i go up sneak in the bedroom she stays in there she under the bed. And then 20 minutes before leaving, I go up to get her in the box. She's not by the door where she'd think she'd be loitering. She's not in the bedroom.

How has she got out of the bedroom, Josh? For an unwell cat, she's pretty wily. Yeah, mate, honestly. And I look around the room and let me show you would you take a photo of nothing if she weren't in there it's just going to be a photo

of your empty bedroom it took me ages to realise what happened and then I saw this oh the window's open the top the top bit of the window the top bit of the window

how's she got out of there on a first floor oh my god lovely curtains though Josh thank you and you oh And you. Oh, no, you're in trouble. You've lost the cat.

I've lost the cat, Rob. She's scrambled up the new curtains and out of the top of a fucking French window. And on the first floor. On the first floor. She's then hopefully climbed down the house. I had to go and check that her body wasn't on the floor below. Yeah, she was peaky. No, I think she's then hopefully climbed down the house i had to go and check that her body wasn't on the floor below yeah she she was peaky no i think she's peaked yeah she died um she she's in such a bad way she seems to have jumped out the window so so she disappeared she completely

disappeared i had to phone the vet and tell them my cat had disappeared. Absolute. I mean, it must happen all the time, right? No, but like, not as a symptom. No, not as a symptom. I've got to bring my cat in. It's disappeared. I couldn't believe it. So you didn't take her in the end? No, it's been moved down two weeks' time. And how's she doing?

Well, she turned up in the evening because it was awful until she turned up because I was like fucking hell can i ask you a question josh yeah if you lived alone yeah and you looked at those two cats yeah would you ring the vet to book an appointment because one looked peaky well rose did point out um to me yeah the and i did notice that when she pointed out her breathing's quite fast and um deep quite fast and you can see it a lot more than with her sister how old is she uh we got her in 2015 she's eight oh so it's not that old i mean to be fair though my breathing would increase as well

if i was locked in a bedroom by tv's josh willow coming out to climb out the window well hopefully she's all right josh she's fine well the window. Well, hopefully she's all right, Josh. She's fine. Well, she's not. She's got an appointment in two weeks. OK. Tell you what, even a cat can't get a doctor's appointment so the NHS is on its arse.

Too bloody right, mate. So, yeah, I didn't get to do the appointment because the cat got out of the fucking top window. I couldn't believe it. I took so long looking for her. Would you have thought to close the window? Well, yes. If I'm trying to secure a cat in a room,

I'd probably check the window. I wouldn't say it's a... It's not like... I wouldn't check all the bolts on it, but if it was open, I'd shut it. Yeah, I mean, it's thick for me, isn't it? Yeah, a little bit. In your defence, it's the high up part,

so you wouldn't automatically... It looks shut until you see it. But the cat knew. Yeah, the cat knew. Clever little bastards. Clever little bastards. I'm so tired, Rob. It's fucking mental.

Well, that's the thing, isn't it? When they go back to school, it is early starts. And then also, your work diary gets busier because it's like kids are in school where have you been i've been filming cumbria oh god oh so you this was the time where you finished at 10 30 and you were getting driven back home for sunday morning to get in at 5 30 a.m to see the kids for the day yeah is that what happened yeah so i finished at 11. PM, lovely. Yeah. Got in the car. ETA, 4.38.

I was quite pleased by that. I mean, that's how bad it's got, Josh. Yeah. That's a win. I have my pillow, obviously, with me. Lovely. I fell asleep about an hour in. That's good, yeah.

On the door and then right across, but still strapped up. Right, yeah. Do you think I care about that? I don't mean to be mean to you. I mean, it's good to know you've got a bit of care, but I don't think I needed the positions. OK, fair enough. That's fair.

It's fair. I don't want to be harsh. This is how tired I am, Rob. This is how tired I am. Yeah. This is how tired I am. Yeah. Because I want to throw a bit on the window. So tired. Throw a bit on the other side.

I'm so tired. Good to know. Good to know. You do realise this isn't just a catch up. This is people are listening. And even on a phone call catch up, it's like, come on, mate, laugh it out. Got a busy day. Well, I'll tell you this.

Go on. At 3.30 in the morning, I wake up, and we've pulled into a service station. Right, okay. Now, I presumed, you know, I thought this guy would be like, his special move would be driving through the night. Yeah. And he just pulls into a service station,

and we pull up, and I wake up, and he goes, I just need 10 minutes. We're an hour and a half from home. Not a wee or a coffee, I just need 10 minutes. But that's the sensible thing to do, yeah. And then he did this with his hands. He just went... What?

Rubbed his face like he was the most tired man in the world. I mean, I get it's 3am. He rubbed his face like to say, I can't believe this is happening to me. And I said to him, I think you need to go and get a coffee. Yeah. And he said, are you sure?

And I was like, yeah, of course I'm fucking. I had that one to a tour manager and we were driving back from Birmingham and he was, i was just so tired i'll get a coffee but no i don't have a coffee because i'll be awake when we get in then i went yeah but i'd quite like to die on the way i'd rather you take an extra hour to get to sleep than we both die on this motorway do you know what i've done that with like tv shows where i think i really could do with a coffee here do i care more about getting to sleep or just doing well on the tv show what's what i'd say with that drive back from cumbria though is josh like yeah you know my

dad was a driver and like a cab driver lorry driving did a driving job site no matter like how much you prep for it having to drive from cumbria to london overnight it's just not okay is it it's just whether that's your job and you're slightly used to it like there's no human on the planet that's like yep well that's the job for me that's you know that's that's like oh god you know it'll be good money though shall i do you know i try and i, I try and get a kip in the day. But, like, if I was that driver, I'd be, like, at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and be like, I have to go to sleep now because later I'll need it. But you just can't. Fucking Cumbria, man.

You didn't even have the radio on. Sat like that for six hours. What are you thinking about? Yeah, I don't... That's the one thing with people that are drivers or cab drivers, where they don't have any radio or podcaster on, or headphones in, and just drive in silence. I don't think my brain could cope with that.

No. What are you thinking about? What are you thinking about? He's sat there just going, Oh, he was on the window, now he's on the other side with his pillow. Very interesting. I wonder if he brings that up on his podcast. On his jackpot podcast that people listen to.

How long were you at the services then? I don't know, I'd fallen asleep straight away once he went in and got his coffee. Yeah. I fell back to sleep on the non-window side. Yeah, of course, good to know. I got home 4.38. Lovely.

Got in to bed. You've got to be quiet there because you could wake the kids up for the day. That's the danger of that time. Yeah, yeah. And then I was up at half eight. Did you have a nice day with the kids? I was quite tired.

What did you do? In the morning, we did the jumble trail what's that so it's a thing locally in Clapton where people have stalls

outside their houses it's like a jumble sale but everyone has stalls outside their houses so people walk around the streets buying stuff

lovely if they should be and I did that. We went and helped out on someone on Pearl's friend's stall. We turned up, Rob. I wouldn't... You know when

some people have just got a lust for life? And they're just like... You feel like you've tapped out, Josh? Rob, let me tell you through the following week. It's overshadowing me. So you're in a state where you've had a busy week and you're tired. I'm so busy. And then you've got a busy week coming up.

I'm just going to tell you through the next two weeks. Okay, right. And then... Can I please request enough detail, but not as much detail as pillow positions? If that's all right. Thank you for making this funny today, Rob, because I'm in a fucking state. Took me for you two weeks.

So, drop my daughter off at school today, then do this, then straight into having my neck sorted, which wasn't helped by sleeping in two separate positions i mean yeah you've had you've had the old neck um we've had to finish early for the old neck osteopath appointment three weeks running the neck too stiff at the moment it's just it's just playing up and then gotta get go straight into town doctor's appointment and then a meeting and then go back to get my daughter from a friend's house, get home, bedtimes, et cetera. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, pointless.

Yep, and then what else are you doing? Yeah, really nice. So you're hosting Pointless? I'm co-hosting Pointless. Richard Osman, okay. Which I was really looking forward to, and I was really looking forward to and I am really looking forward to but I am

I could do with a day off what I'd say is though that gig of being the Richard Osman is sort of less is more where you don't want to do too much and like you're trying to take it over and do a panel show you actually just need to give a few answers

and be a bit slightly amusing but the danger is for you in your current position you literally don't say anything I just fall asleep behind that laptop armstrong goes okay josh uh and any pointless answers there and you go yeah um denver colorado okay thank you very much josh oh god a bit pointless, yep. Friday, I'm recording voiceover on my CBBC show.

Yeah, and is it about a sad lizard? Is it about a sad bloke that's slipped too much on? Is that what the show is? No, he lives on a planet with his daughter and a big lizard. Fair enough. Yeah, so he's actually got quite a relaxed life compared to mine. Afternoon, I'm recording a voiceover for James Acaster's new podcast thing. Saturday, take my daughter to a birthday party.

Sunday, fly to Spain. What are you doing in Spain? Recording the show Nish for four days. Fly back Thursday evening. Get in at 1.10. Get Friday here. Saturday. Go to Bradford to record another episode. Do that.

How long are you in Bradford for? Four days. And then we're in the middle of October. It's about the 5th of October by then. And what bit are you looking forward to most I'm having an anniversary dinner with Rose on Friday oh that's nice where are you going

I don't know Rob Rose has booked it I'm I'd forgotten until she said earlier and then I yeah oh it's mad it's just a mad month it's just a mad mad man you'll be all right just do each day all you gotta do now is have a chat about our kids

yeah how are your kids how my kids all good back into school um my my youngest needs glasses so she's one of the glasses to school oh is she excited about that she was really excited and then she was a bit like apprehensive about going in because she doesn't really like she sort of likes messing around and laughing she doesn't like anything where it's about sort of her so if she's got something new even if she had like she had to wear trainers in because she had a bad foot instead of shoes for a day she'd be like i don't want to do anything that makes you stand out kind of thing yeah but it was she was very so like normally she bounds into school and then um she was like daddy can you walk in with me and she was like i'm worried i'll look she was like i'm worried

i'll look ugly or people will laugh and stuff like that i was like no don't worry and i was horrible anyway so i walked in with her and then she just wouldn't leave my side and was just like the way she was just holding and touching her glasses and she was so self-conscious bless her but the thing is the thing is you sort of realize you want to be able to protect your kids and like you literally would like if they had to have an operation i'd rather go in and have the operation you know i mean like just put me into the thingy whatever i think the most difficult thing with parenting is you slowly realize there is nothing you can do no that she's got to walk in that playground wearing glasses and react to people's reactions and deal with people because ultimately you're

never going to be in a position in life as a child or an adult without a dickhead nearby no that's going to say something that's a bit rude a bit off and normally it's their own issue that they're sort of projecting onto other people it's always their own issue it's always you know and and stuff but that's life and that's a life lesson is to learn that and i want to be able to do it for my children but i can't and it's debilitatingly stressful but that's something that i've got to work out myself because i think what i struggle with a lot in life is with the kids they're going through childhood milestones i actually found traumatic as a kid yeah and when they're going through it i sort of get transported back to that time and i i feel i feel it in my body about how i felt when i went into school and had glasses and things like

that did you have glasses oh you did didn't you yeah so i glass as a kid so so i said so anyway so she went in and she was hiding behind my back and then there's this wonderful teaching assistant um that both my girls love and you know she's she's lovely. I won't say her name, she won't be named in it, but she knows who she is. Eventually we called her over and she ran over and then my daughter went in with her,

but you could see she's so like full of joy and loud and she was so small and stressed going in. Yeah, fucking hell. Anyway, so I let her go, obviously let her go in and stuff like that and then I got back to my car, burst into tears. Oh my God.

But like, not just like, oh, that like you know like in a feast in a film where like well someone like starts not i wasn't punching the wheel the steering wheel but you know like yeah that that kind of moment of just like and i was just like at this point really near the school i mean so like i'm just sort of so all the parents are walking past me, the ones I know, but also ones that don't know me and like, is that Rob Beckett crying in a little electric Honda? Yes, it is. But I'm crying facing the other way. Yeah. Yeah.

So you're allowed to talk about which way you're facing the car. Touche. Good stuff. I respect that, actually. You're waking up, mate. You're off Cumbria time. You're back in the... Yeah, so that was quite...

And how was she a pick-up? She was fine, actually. She sort of, you know... Some people said some things, some people didn't say some things and stuff like that, but, yeah, it's just difficult having to allow them to go off themselves and deal with that stuff, you know? Yeah. Anyway, but, yeah, it's just difficult having to allow them to go off themselves and deal with that stuff, you know?

Yeah. Anyway, but, yeah, it's just been really busy. Even as an adult, there's nothing worse than... Do you remember what it's like when you, like, even getting a fucking haircut and going into school? I know. I remember when I wore a cap, baseball cap, once and went to the pub. My mates were like, I've got a fucking hat on.

Why are you wearing a hat? And I was like, oh, yeah, and just took it off and just drunk a beer in silence. But also, bless her, it was school FOHO day. Oh, no. I remember, haircut-wise, I had curtains way longer than I wanted to have curtains, just because I was afraid.

How long were they? They weren't quite long, actually. But, yeah, it's terrifying getting a haircut or any change or like, mufty day, I found quite nerve-wracking. Yeah, of like what you're going to wear and stuff. Yeah. It's horrible as a kid.

And it's so maddening because it literally means fuck all, especially when you get to like teenager. People at school that were like the cool kids, if you look at them now, it's an absolute fucking joke. I would say it's like scoring a goal early, isn't it? It's never actually the good sign that you think it is. No.

It puts a lot of pressure on you going. But also, like, at school it was cool if you, like, you had an older brother. Yeah. Certain things that now, like, I don't look at you and be like... Yeah, I wouldn't think someone's cool because he's got a Reebok coat now, would I? Yeah. Okay, I don't know someone's course he's got a rebot coat now would yeah okay i don't know if you know josh but i've got a brother who's actually 52 is that pretty cool what else well so it's been a bit of a logistical nightmare because of car

um they're doing so many clubs now so like one day my daughter does swimming before school swimming during school a little some sort of drama class after school so separately and then also has got guitar lessons bloody hell that's too much stuff in it yeah you're really covering your bases rob does she just like that like it was my daughter who didn't like any clubs and now she's absolutely club heavy oh she's gone club mad she only did record last year now she's doing all of them um take me through them guitar so she's doing guitar lessons she does swimming a amateur dramatics club thing she does lego club um choir um circus skills but that's six clubs there's only five afternoons. Some are at lunch. Some are outside of the school, local church halls or whatever. But she's just absolutely...

What we do is we go mad for it in the week and then weekends, no clubs. Right. That's what we're doing at the moment. And so does she just... Is she coming home at like five or six every day? Yeah, they're so tired. They're so tired and aggy. And they argue.

You know, like I was a bit smug when he said my kids play well and get on together they still play now but the arguments are getting more and because they're getting older they're like nearly eight and six it's like if they were married i'd suggest a divorce i can i know that there's love there but it's gone yeah yeah it's not what it was and you'd probably be better apart and do you think i was thinking about this the other day yeah it's weird to think that the odds are your children they'll probably text each other once every couple of months when they're growing up it depends doesn't it they might be close yeah but lots of people aren't with their siblings and it's weird how do you make how do you how do you how do you get your kids to like each other and i still think mine do yeah however how do you

carry that on into adulthood i think the number of children you have makes it more difficult so i've got four brothers, which is harder because you can't all meet up all the time because there's so many of you. And then you feel guilty if you meet up with one or two of them and not everyone. They've just got all stuff in common. Yeah.

Like, you know, if you've got stuff in common with someone, it doesn't matter if they're your brother. But if you've not got any common ground... Yeah, because some siblings are totally different. Yeah, exactly. it doesn't matter if they're your brother but if you've not got any common ground yeah because some because some siblings are totally different yeah exactly you've got no you go what are we going to talk about yeah oh they've also do football club which i'm a big fan of oh yeah but they've got shimpads which is so funny so pads they're six and eight i know so is that because they're shit or because it's What are you saying About my kids

They're shit Oh you don't like Women's football Oh you don't like Women's football actually How dare How dare you Sat there with your bad neck

Slagging off women And going oh Do they need shin pads I probably can't even Kick it hard enough To hurt a shin Pathetic Disgusting man

Is it because it's aggro Or is it because There's Is it because it's aggro Or is it because there's is it because is that a grow or is it because no so i think it's because they've not actually started they're just doing passing and shooting in the moment but i think it's because they have to wear boots so they don't slip over and and i think they're a bit wild with kicking that's what i mean yeah yeah so it's a bit more than they're wild. No, they're a little bit untamed, a bit wild. Yeah.

So, but they loved it. I've got them, basically they wear their PE kit, but you have to take in some socks, shin pads and boots, right? That's a way to get them to bond in the long term, is me and my brother support Plymouth Argyle. So that is, we've forever got that. They do seem to really like playing football I don't know if they like watching it that much

you're going to take them to the Arsenal Rob I'd probably take them to Crystal Palace because that's their local club and you should support your local club really if you're going to be taken anywhere but anyway so I've got them these football boots and shin pads but like the shin pads right so there's I hated these shin pads as a kid the ones that go around the ankle

it just because it like and then it goes up and it's like you have that go around the ankle, it just, because it, like... Yeah, yeah. And then it goes up, and it's like, you have to slide your foot into it. It's really difficult. I'm like, you can't run or play football. There's no freedom there. So I just got these little ones that slide in, and they really like it, and I gave them their boots and stuff.

But they can't do laces, Joss. Of course they can't do laces. We've been doing, we've just done Velcro. So I've got now a teacher who has to do laces, and I don't know how. Oh, my God. I mean, I know how to do mine, but I'm like, fuck. I don't know what to do. Are you one of these people that roses the two bunny ears and then tie them together?

No, I don't know what that means. But my daughters, I think, have seen a video on YouTube about doing laces, doing their own research. Because I just do a normal bow. But Rose does her like this. I don't do the two bunny ears thing. I just do a normal bow yeah but but anyway so they can't do their laces but i said well just get your boots on and then let the teacher do them up because the teacher if you're teaching a five-year-old yeah most of

them aren't gonna know so you can it's probably quicker just to do them anyway so i picked my daughter up from football turns out she's got on the wrong feet what however what she can't do laces and the laces were done up so one of the teachers has looked at those feet and just tied them up i'm like they're obviously on the wrong feet and like i get it's all right if you wear like your shoes on the wrong feet walking into school but you're playing football the shots must be going all over the gaff absolutely they'll be like oh look at the bend she's getting on that no she might have been getting some real after bend

that no other footballer's ever got she's invented invented her own predators that was crack of luck when she came up

they loved it but they're enjoying doing all the clubs and stuff so what time do you have to get up for clubs Rob

we get up well Lou gets up about six every day I get up about half six fucking and then I take I try to take them to school, but then there's been loads...

Oh, my God, mate, they shut a road. Now I live in another country, there is a road that is... I didn't realise this. It is basically the road out. So it's not like... It's tri-zone too, mate. It's not like in a city where if they shut a road... The road's closed.

There's 400 other roads I could go on. So, mate, honestly, it was taking like... It normally takes 20 minutes to get to school. It was taking like 45 minutes. And it was carnage. It was awful. No one was being late for stuff. And it was just so stressful.

However, the good thing is the girls have got into Kasabian. They like Kasabian. So we've been singing Kasabian in the car, which is a marked improvement from Spice Girls and Britney Spears and Little Mix. I'm at my limit of that, but they're loving Kasabian. I prefer Spice Girls to Kasabian. Um,

do you? Yeah, I love Spice Girls. More than Kasabian? Well, I don't like Kasabian. Why not? They're brilliant.

They're not, Rob. They are. What don't you like about them? Who doesn't like Kasabian? I might have to stop doing this. I get it if you're like, prefer blur blur but how can you not like Kasabian I just don't I've never liked Kasabian

what's the problem with them it's musically good no it's boring it's laddy crap you're pathetic you know that oh so i've got a couple other things to say before we go right the um so lou took the girls to this party right and it was like a spa party because

her friend's a bit older and they went and basically got the nails done and got a bit glitter in the hair and like a pampering thing at a spa and then it was a kid's party and anyway so last week they had them tattoos on their arms still from some holidays and then literally on the it was like half gone but you know what it's like getting rid of those tattoos they go slowly there was barely anything there was a note in the planner and there are no tattoos allowed in school was like all right fucking calm down it's literally wednesday they went back on the end of half term it was it's gone the way out um but but anyway they've got their nails done on Sunday

for this party and then they went to school and I was like you can't send a kid with painted nails they've got to be with painted nails but Lou didn't have

any nail varnish from Uber so we had a note from tattoos last week so we're going to get a nail varnish oh no Rob nail varnish

you're kind of like you're taking them out on huge nights out every weekend we do to be fair. Like, they are so tired. I think we do too much in our life. No shit, Rob.

What are you, the kids are in seven clubs? It's like the kids this morning, they're just like, Dad, I'm so tired. There's not even time for the weekend to rest. What is wrong with you? Well, they're just up for it. I'm trying to tire them out. But like, anyway. No, you've done it.

We went to a park and there was this big swing. We went to a new park and there was this swing thing that goes round in a circle. And there was another dad there and I wasn't very good at doing it. I couldn't get the technique, but his dad was bigger than me and was absolutely launching him on it. And they kept on going, get the other dad to do it. Get the other dad to do it. Get the other dad to do it. And I was like, part of me felt bad,

but I was like, this is actually amazing. I don't have to do it. Did he do it? This bloke called Tony just spanned my kids around. I mean, he was there with his kid.

Did you walk up to Tony and say, could you spin my kids around because I'm not man enough to do it? No, his kid was on it and I went, oh, can they get on?

I listened to Xavier, but I haven't got the balls to actually be a proper bloke. So at this spa party, they were really excited and didn't want to leave. And they were all a bit overtired. And then our youngest was being so naughty. So Lou rung me on the way back. She was on the motorway and went, Rob, it was the worst leaving of a house I've ever been involved in.

She went, at one point, because the child lock's not on anymore, our youngest just kept on opening the door and running away of the car. As it was moving, would open the door and jump out and run away. And then in the end, our friends, because they were leaving the friends at us, the friend's daughter was like nine, went upstairs and found two pounds in a piggy bank and said to her, you can have that if you get in the car. Oh, my God. And then she said no.

Well, that's good, because if she'd come home with two quid and then lou's telling me this going i just need a glass of wine when i get in it was just too much blah blah blah blah and then i heard my youngest in the back she was on the car phone going i'm still awake you know um oh can i run this past you as well, Josh, right? We went to see Shania Twain last week, right? What the fuck is wrong with you musically, Rob? Well, to be fair... Who are you?

Right, let me explain. Shania Twain, this is quite weird. Well, you've dragged me into this. It's quite name-droppy, this. So I met her when we did Rob and Romesh, right? Yeah, and you met her son. And her son. She DM'd me

saying do you want to come to my show in London next week yeah right and I was like you can't you can't it's a direct message from Shay Shay

yeah and you said where are you playing and she said the O2 the O2 and you said that don't impress me much oh great work thank you

well done cheers she actually did sing that song actually and it was very popular I'd hope so yeah I'd fucking hope so so I thought anyway

did she do let's go girls did she open with that no she did they were used to in the encore well fucking hell that's a long night isn't it I would say two and a half hours is too long a set.

Oh, my God, when you're doing the two main ones in the encore as well. It was brilliant. It's a long old song. Anyway, one of my friends... Could you just play Clubfoot just for people like you? Too much. Please, please play LSF, Shania, just once in the middle. No, so my friend's husband is obsessed with Shania Twain.

They're gay, just to make it clear. Oh, right, okay. A couple of gay's husband is obsessed with shania twain they're gay just to make it clear all right okay a couple of gay guys absolutely obsessed with shania twain so i said to luke oh should i get four tickets and we take them as a surprise so anyway we took them and well we got put in a box right which was very swanky so thank you very much shania twain for going a box so it's all in a box anyway we're just can i ask about this box well i'll talk you through who's in the box um oh yes in a minute however what would you say the etiquette is is seating in a box because i've been in a box at the o2 a few times now in the past there's like 10 seats out the front of the box apologies for not being relatable but i think we had quite a relatable episode the other week when you had a breakdown in your kitchen so i think you can

spare me this but so what would you So there's 10 seats out the front. So there's three rows of seats out the front. And then there's some stools and a little table above that. And there's a big room with sofas in. And presumably there's no seats for people because they won't oversell the box. Yeah, exactly. So there's a sort of seat for everyone.

I'd say it's first come, first served. Sure, yeah. So that's pretty. Because when I got my tickets, there's like 15 seats. so I had like seat 6, seat 8, seat 12. Oh, do they have numbers? They do, but no one ever really, when you're in someone's box, it's basically, I've got 15 people coming, sit down, right? Yeah. And my tickets were literally all over the place, so I just wanted to, because it was seat 6, seat 8, seat 15, seat 14, but I didn't even look at the numbers, because the rule is, everyone just gets in, you sit down.

Yeah. It's first come, first served. It's like a sitting room. It's like someone's sitting room. A hundred percent, Josh. Right. The only numbers on the seat is actually for like legal reasons of health and safety. Okay.

Right. And that's always been the way. It's a free for all. Anyway, so we're in there. Sat down. Jamie Lang was in there. All right. Yeah.

With his partner, Sophie. Beverly Knight was there. And then Cara Delevingne was there. Oh, right. Okay. Anyway, so we're just sat in four seats. Cara Delevingne wants to sit at the front, doesn't she? Yeah. And she's like, we'll sit there.

And I was like, oh. And then she was talking to the PR. I was like, oh, well, we'll just all sit wherever. I was like, you know, we didn't want to be split up because my seat's all over the place. And the lady who booked the PR woman was like, oh yeah it's just sort of sit wherever you want it's like sit wherever you want try and sit with your group of friends it's like and everyone's like on board with that i want to sit the front actually i was like what you had an argument

and then uh i did have an argument then my mate was like she was like oh we went oh sorry we didn't know but then we didn't know like she was like well actually my tickets to the front i was like i didn't ask to see a ticket i'm not doing that and then she was like i was actually and then my mate tim was like oh oh would you like to sit the front she was like well yeah i was like okay and then we just sort of moved at the back but i was like everyone's looking around going that's not what you do in a box but i think she had to just sit in the front oh my god because it was like a thing and i looked into her eyes and i just thought you're not okay are you so like anything this isn't about me or the seat is it no this isn't this this isn't about me or the seat, is it? No, this isn't. This isn't about you and I. I'll be honest with you.

I'm in a suite in a box. You can see from anywhere. Yeah. It literally doesn't matter. I just want to sit next to the people I know in a row. You think you're unhappy now? It's two hours 15 to that. Don't impress me much.

Yeah, so we got moved out of our seats by Clara Delavigne. Oh, wow. Well, that is our greatest unrelatable story we've had yet. Yeah, but I was just sort of like, I don't really care where I sit with her. I just want to sit with my friends. Who was she with? Just sort of three mates. They also brought their own little bottle of, you know,

what's that thing people have that like, it's like they have in a spirit, but it's like a bottle looks like a bottle of soy sorgs but it's got like a white packaging over in a yellow top what's that michael do you know do you know what i'm talking about it's like that's it what is it called angostura bitter so they brought their own bitters yeah she brought her own bitters i'd say um in in bottle form and in attitude that's it angost go store a bit as she had on the side hip. Yeah, that thing. That little bottle.

Where did she get it out of? She had it in a little cup holder. Well, in my cup holder. It was actually my seat. Because I had one seat at the front. When Lou was behind me, I was like, I'm not sitting next to Cara Delevingne with Lou behind me and my teammates apart yeah oh to make the manhattan that's it a bit of whiskey sweet vermouth and bitters so i think they must have been ordering something and then they were sprinkling that in

imagine if people had just if you'd sat next to cara delavine and there'd been a couple of kind of paparazzi shots becca and delavne go to Chennai and Twain together. I'd say if there's a sliding scale of the kind of person that you're, like, suited to, that matches your energy and your kind of vibe, I'd say I couldn't be further away from the Delevingne's vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's quite serious.

I think she's quite a serious actor, model type. Yeah. Bitters carrier. I'd say I'm more serious actor, model type. Yeah. Bitters carrier. I'd say I'm more loose with my mixers. Yeah, yeah. I'd say in my life, I've never considered bringing my own mixer. I know.

But also not even a mixer, just like a little garnish. No, not a mixer. Just something to pep up. Yeah. Maybe I've brought my own mixer. I've never thought, what if they don't't have what if the drink's not peppy enough for me i'll take some bitters just to kind of i'm off to shania twain what do i need um little bottle of business it's like take your own hot sauce got me a hot sauce go mcdonald's

get me a hot sauce it's not a shania twain thing that we don't know about is it like there's not a song where she's like yeah yeah no it was't the bottle just yeah to be fair the bottle did have a tiny cowboy hat on and some leopard print but it's so funny because it was quite surreal to be in my back because we just wanted to sit together and i was like yeah oh wait just let's just sit in the back i can't be bothered to have an argument really and then um i say the back it was literally two rows of a box i mean the view was exactly the same as well yeah if anything it was better being back there so i could watch the bitter consumption oh josh as well some uh information for the listener yeah from now perrin in hell spotify podcast is now available everywhere do you know what i thought

something different i thought there was an echo in the room rob still free yeah oh it's always The Spotify podcast is now available everywhere. Do you know what? I thought something felt different. I thought there was an echo in the room, Rob. Still free. Yeah. Oh, it's always free. And available everywhere. Look at that. Wherever you want it.

Yeah. You can have it. Yeah. Shout into your smart speaker and it'll give it to you. Yeah, so we are now available everywhere. So enjoy. The fact remains, Rob, if they're already listening, it's a useless bit

of information but fine i know but you know it's nice to know and then people can tell people yeah if you're saying it's all about messaging it is this is the thing anyway right should we do some business yeah yeah here we go hi rob and josh thank you so much for keeping the parenthood of the world entertained for so long i started a business a few years ago when i discovered there was nothing out there for learning times tables for children who learn visually or by stories i've created a book memory owls times table videos and a plethora plethora of silly characters who live in memory owls or wood for example stick and his best stick friend were walking along talking too much and fell in a muddy puddle becoming dirty sticks 36 so i think that's six times six oh yeah yeah yeah i think i need it um

visit me for lots of free resources at memory www.memory little hyphen ow.com i started off wanting to make some money but now i just want to spread the word thank you so much keep being sexy and relatable susan lucas mother of amy 17 and sophie 15 great stuff they're very nice our listeners aren't they yeah thank you so much for being nice and all the people that come up and say hello that listen to the podcast are always much nicer than the people that say, I preferred Mock the Week with Frankie Boyle. Yes. Or, I'm sitting there. Could you pass me my drink?

I need to put some bitters in it. Excuse me. I want to be 30 centimetres closer to Shania Twain, even though we are about 100 metres away up high. Hi, RB, JW and M. With the various school exam results incoming soon, well, next year, I'm hoping my school small business

could be a suitable topical shout-out for next year, yes. So topical. Still topical. I've been an English teacher in a secondary and sixth form for 10 years and have left the classroom to set up my small business, designing and selling academic planners, calendars, and revision materials to help students avoid burnout and support their mental health.

Very good. My website is ohmygoodnight.co.uk, and I'm at ohmy.goodnight on socials. Many thanks, Lisa Hunter. Thanks, Lisa. Right, Josh, I'll see you on Friday for another guest interview. Yeah, I'll have more energy then. Sorry about that.

Will you? Or are you just going to slowly tail off until October? No, I'll be fine. I'll be back. You'll be back. Back for Avengers. You were good today, though, Josh. Don't get in your head.

It was funny. It was funny. I told you both positions I slept in. Yeah, that's great. I like that. But it worked for the show, Josh. That's how it works. Right, I'll see you on Friday. Bye.