Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP2: Big Old Porridge Gobbler

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting each week we'll

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Hello, you're listening to Parents in Hell with... Mina, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. There we go. That kid's having fun. Yeah, that's Mina.

A clip of our daughter Mina saying Josh and Rob's names as they do at the start. It would be incredible if it was played on the podcast. We listen every week and even attended the live show. I don't think even is needed there. Even implies that you've put yourself out. Yeah, that's like going, I even bought the BDI album, Liam. She's two tomorrow. Thanks, Lucy and Scott in London.

I've had a stressful morning, Rob. You look stressed. And as we started this, and I don't know if Michael's going to keep it in, there was someone shouting at you up the stairs about keys that your dad may or may not have. Yeah, I'm now worried my dad's got those keys. But I don't know why he'd have them. What I would say to you is, experience from my dad visiting my house, he will lose something or break something at least each visit.

But why would my dad have those keys? It's because men get older, and especially men, I don't know if this is your dad, but my dad gets his clothes walked through by my mum, his wife. Right. And I think what happens over time, they slowly forget how to think and live. No, he's quite good at thinking and living. So they will just walk out of the house with keys.

Yeah, I mean, that's something I've done. But let me just, I'm calling him. Are we going to get live Dad Widdicombe? No. Get him on speaker. He's busy. He's put it straight through. What's he doing?

He's driving home. Oh, right. Okay. Oh, so he brought your mum up to look after the kids and he's driving home? They came up for the weekend and my mum's staying on for a couple more days. He's taking some stuff for us, Rob, including a set of keys. Oh, so he's driving back to Cornwall wherever it is devon yeah devon's quite far isn't it and he may have that the keys rose i'd imagine he'd i'd imagine he'd send them

back is he not going to pick up or your mom getting the train home she'll get the train home okay so rose's keys are in the car no they're not're not. They're not. They're at Stonehenge, her keys at the moment. Enjoying the ley lines. It's been a non-stop morning. Yeah. It's been so intense. Well, this is the first time that your daughter's been in school, so she's like off properly,

where before she was in the nursery a couple of days a week through the holidays. Yeah. It's brutal, isn't it? You forget. It's quite intense. The other day, i've been getting up early josh with the kids and the dog because the dog needs a piss and stuff i've been waking up at 5am today yeah well no but my daughter gets up at five anyway oh she's up at five i'm still

that garlic bread at quarter past nine on sunday so poor it was lunch because i gave him some breakfast at five. It got to nine-ish and I was like, we're hungry. And I was just sort of, oh, it's lunchtime now. What do you do at half five? Like, what are you doing?

Dogs out for a wee. I'm tired. At the moment, I'm tired in the house because when I go out, there's like, Louie's looking after the kids and the dogs and she can't really do that and be on her feet

doing the dishwasher and the washing. What I mean mean is like so you're just doing tasks yeah that's what i'm doing i'm just tasks from the moment i wake up it's tasks but then it doesn't stop i was i never morning i hadn't left the house it was midday i'd done 5 000 steps you don't but they would get clearing up and then dishwasher on dishwasher off then they want lunch but normally they have lunch at school. Yeah, of course. Let me take you through my morning. We started recording this at 9am.

So bear in mind, I woke up at quarter, I didn't wake up. I got up at quarter past seven. Right. Oh, that's decent. Yeah. What time do your kids wake up? Well, my daughter goes down and plays on her own now. So Lou let me have a lie-in.

Yeah. But I woke up at half six. That is a lie-in, isn't it? If one gets up at five. Yeah, so my daughter comes in. She had a poo. I wiped her bum. Right.

Why are you sleeping in the toilet? We've got a... We've got a problem with our marriage. Even though she can wipe her own bum, I couldn't be bothered to get into the debate this morning is that just an odd thing or she's still doing that because my five-year-old we've just got to stop and start wiping her own bum it's we're at the point of uh case by case basis sometimes she just does it and yeah and sometimes i go yeah fine or go no you're old enough yeah i'll be honest with you i'm not holding a line i'm not i'm not holding a position that would make any change particularly at 6am so then i went back to bed she went downstairs to play with a marble one which

it was a toy that got no traction two years ago but suddenly come out of and now is the favorite toy right get up with my son so the things i did between 7 15 and 9 i just felt infinite so is your your mum's is she still in bed at this point or is she up helping what my mum and dad yeah well you'll see okay because i'm not like could you do this straight away because they are yeah no i've got i know of course so like my parents like they some of my kids go in to see him, but my mom and dad literally go up at 11 AM in the morning. When they come to our house, it's like they're in some sort of prisoner of war torture of,

they get woken up at five. My mom wanders around. Like she's been like brutally attacked and beaten up the night before. She's like, Oh, you know, and someone's up. No,

you just, you just got up too early. So you can't get them. You can't engage the grandparents too early, can you? So this was my morning. Get up. Go and get my son up. He wants to go through and see Rose, who's in bed.

I don't want him to go through. I let him through because there's no way of stopping him. Then I have to shepherd him downstairs, make him a muffin, make him a bagel, toast him a bagel, put the peanut butter on. Feed the cats. unload the dishwasher, bake him a muffin. Yeah, feed the cats, dishwasher. Unload the dishwasher, put the porridge on, make the tea. Do you have porridge every morning?

I don't, the kids do. Right, I find that quite depressing. They love it, mate. It fills them up. Yeah, fair enough. Make a muffin for my quite depressing. They love it, mate. They do. It fills them up. Yeah. Fair enough. Make a muffin for my daughter beforehand. That's an English muffin.

Is that? So you've done a bagel and then a muffin? Yeah. She doesn't like bagels. Even though they taste exactly the fucking same as muffins. Okay.

Calm down. Sorry. Tidy up and then we get onto the big stuff. We've got to move the garden furniture into my dad's van because he's taking it down to the southwest take the glass off the thing

with him, carry the table through carry the glass through, carry the chairs through carry some more stuff through to go in the van feed the cats of my next door neighbour because she's on holiday by that point it's seven minutes before this podcast starts Yep. Feed the cats of my next door neighbor because she's on holiday. Yep.

By that point, it's seven minutes before this podcast starts. Rose isn't well on top of that. But so it's not on Rose. Do you know what I mean? It's basically I've got to do all these things. Yeah. Well, I think especially when it's your parents and you're arranging like theitures to go it's like yeah it's awkward if she gets up and just spends time with your parents and you're in bed yeah you sort of when it's just texting me to say keys are on the fire alarm um okay cool so

i just found them oh that's good that's that's good news isn't it yeah yeah and then your mom's helping with the kids today because my mom's taking... My son's at nursery. Yeah, okay. And my daughter... My mum's taking my daughter to... It's like a kind of gallery and the gardens where the Diana Memorial Fountain is. Kensington Gardens, is it? No idea.

No idea. Into town. Oh, that'll be nice. And there's a massive, like a great gallery thing as well there and loads of places to eat. So she's going there. She's got my debit card and I've signed her up to the black cab uh free now the black cab version of uber i'm sure you're aware of yeah and so see how that works out so there we go so that's why that's your morning that's my morning lovely i i um not not in a sort of topper kind of way, I did build a swing ball set at 7.15am

to keep the kids busy today while I'm out with Lose With The Kids. I know you're paying. So build is a big word, isn't it, with a swing ball set, Rob? I'd say I made it more than you made that muffin. I'd say we're about similar levels. I've slotted pole. Yeah. I don't want to hear about his next life, mate.

No chance of you slotting pole with the grandparents there. There's no chance of me slotting pole generally. Right, so you've teased some things. We've not spoken for ages. We've got to cover blur,iza car should we start with the summer holiday actually no because the summer holiday comes off ibiza so i'll start with i'll start with having had a car for two weeks rob no okay why not i didn't realize my mot had run out oh did it get taken away no it didn't get taken away it didn't get clamped i i don't know whether

i should say this on the podcast, but it's an honest mistake. And I've been driving around without an MOT for two months, Rob. So this happened to me, and this is a good tip. If you go on the DVLA website, you put your number plate in and a phone number. It gives you MOT and tax reminders. Right.

And that's what you've got to do because that's my tax defaulted because of my mot yes okay i've been driving around fucking months like this unbelievable so so then take the car into the mot but can't tax it because it's so far out of his mot yeah you can't yeah you can't tax it online. What you need to do is go to the post office with your logbook. What haven't I got, Rob? Who's got a logbook? People need to

accept that our lives are too busy to fuck around with your little logbook rules. I hate it. And logins. I'm sick of logins, John. Fair enough. Online banking, I'll have a login. If I want to buy a pair of trainers, I don't want to be a fucking member and have an account and log in and get emails. Just let me buy.

You're driving a shop. Can I take your email so I can email you a receipt? No, you fucking can't. My inbox is full. Give me the pants. Here's 10 quid. Fuck off. So anyway, oh, God, that looks good. What you drinking a uh jimmy's iced coffee original

got it from the garage because i haven't really got stuff in the office properly yet i've been sorting out the house i come here sometime it's like i had to buy a hand washing in a petrol station today i tell you why i'm one of the other reasons I'm stressed yeah have you ever tried intermittent fasting Rob yes Rose bought a book on it yeah and I was reading it and I was like this is this is incredible it's so good for you yeah I do it and I it's it makes you angry but once you get your head around it it's all right I'm so hungry and Rob I didn't eat I didn't finish eating till quarter past nine I've got to get to 115 you're a big porridge gobbler aren't you, that's why I'm not a big porridge gobbler, I don't have porridge

You're a big old porridge gobbler, you've got the old porridge and even Rose said you make good porridge Even your mother-in-law said you make good porridge What, yeah exactly Josh's mother-in-law came to a live show and said, what is it you love about Josh, and she didn't mention being a good dad or a good husband, she said, he's a big old

porridge gobbler. She didn't say I'm a big old porridge gobbler. Well, she said you make great porridge, which, you know, ipso facto, you're gobbling up that porridge because it's so great. You're a big Devon porridge gobbler. Fucking porridge gobbler. Devon knows how to make it so creamy, mate. Salt and porridge in Scotland.

I love Scotland, but that used to fuck off. Yeah. Anyway, sorry, Josh. What was your side? so creamy right salt and porridge in scotland i love i love scotland yeah um anyway sorry josh what would you say i'm so hungry stop talking about porridge oh this is my problem so you gotta eat earlier that's the way forward what am i yeah i know but my kids don't go to bed till late well eat before they go to bed no but then you can't relax into it this is so me and rose tried to have an earlier dinner yeah while my daughter was still up the other day. And she walked into the kitchen and she looked at us and she said, what are you doing? Because she'd never seen us eat dinner before.

That's so weird. Why do they have to be in bed to eat dinner? Because we don't eat with them. She has dinner at half five. I don't want my dinner at half five. You need to if you want to have your breakfast before one. Yeah, but I won't make it to bedtime in that case. Well,

you need, well, you got no, you got no stamp out, mate. That's, that's a, that's a you problem.

That is. That is a me problem. I need to eat later. The way I got into it was when I was on tour, I'd have a Nando's at 6pm every night. Yeah. And then you got till 10pm. Then you,

then you, then you have to wait till 10am. And then also in my, which makes it easier. And I find it easier on tour to do it than on work, because I'm on stage eight till ten, and by ten comes everything's shut, and by the time you get home, you go to bed,

you can eat in the morning. Yeah. Well, that's fine. No, I know. What are you going to eat at quarter past one? I don't know. It's so far away. It's three hours away.

Do you know the thing I'm finding the most difficult? What? No tea. No porridge. Fuck off. Fuck off. You can't have tea? No, because the milk in it. I'll just have tea without milk. It's horrible,

Rob. Have you ever had tea without milk? Well, I drink black coffee. This has got milk in it, but I couldn't get a black coffee one from the thing. But no, but I'd say, Josh, to start off, have tea with milk in, because it's better. You're still doing it. You're still spiking your blood sugar, Rob. Yeah, But no, but I'd say, Josh, to start off, have tea with milk in, because it's better,

you're still doing it. You're still spiking your blood sugar up. Yeah, I know, but only slightly, Josh. I think. The moment it spikes,

you might as well not be doing it. Is that true? That's what it said in the book. Oh, fuck the book. Who's reading books? People with log books. Oh yeah,

sorry. So you've got your log book. So, I haven't got a fucking log book. I'm so well filed. The problem with being so well filed. I'm so badly filed. But it means that I know I've lost it because it's not in the right place.

You know, there's no hope. There's no, oh, it might be in that pile. It's not there. A bad filer has hope. Yeah. But you have no hope because you're such a great filer. I'm such a good filer. I know I've got the logbook. Of course you're a good filer so i'm like come on mate have you got a filing

cabinet no so look send it send it to the group well i don't it's got like we can't upload it because it's got my addresses on a lot well that would just don't take further was it just you might enjoy it there you go little photos you might enjoy it. There you go. There you go. Little photo. You might enjoy it. That is pretty impressive. Okay, well done. Anyway, so I go to the post office. Yeah. He's like, yeah, you need to send off and get a new logbook.

Two weeks. So you can't get it MOT'd or taxed? This is already about five days in, because obviously I've been looking for the logbook. So have you had it MOT'd? Yeah. But you can't get it taxed now? Can't get it taxed. Not even with the new MOT certificate? No because you need a V5. Do you know what annoys me most is in the post office

they'll go, yeah you need a V5. What is that? Yeah. Don't say it to me like I know. Yeah, I don't. So you've had no car because you can't obviously tax it. Then on Saturday. It's not even allowed to be on the road, not taxed. No, but what I'm going to do, I've got off road. No, it's just parked up, Rob.

So you're going to get, it might get clamped. Have you checked it? Oh no, good news, good news. On Saturday. Yeah. I got a very red letter saying final reminder. Yeah. You're going to get taken off the road.

The good news reminder. Yeah. You're going to get taken off the road. The good news, Swiss. Yeah. That contained a 16 digit code that allowed me to tax my car. I couldn't believe my life. Admin gods. Yeah. I couldn't believe my life.

You basically got a scary letter, which panics people saying, we're going to take your car. But actually, if you look in there, it saved you. It saved me. Absolutely.

I couldn't believe my luck. Oh, my God. How are Rosie's lessons going? What, driving? Yeah, she's got her provision, hasn't she? She's doing well. Oh, she's done some lessons. Well, could I tell you something?

The people that don't listen to the podcast, but I don't want it to get back to them. There's someone else that we're friends with who doesn't drive. Yeah. And he's, I'd say, got issues with the fact he doesn't drive. Right. That he maybe doesn't even realise he's got himself. Okay.

And he always, always says, i've got to learn to drive yeah are you going to learn to drive rose and you can see that if she does he has to the rose not driving is what is giving him the comfort yeah okay but we've decided we're not going to tell him that she's learning to drive and one day she's just going to turn up to his house in the car driving and say do you want a lift yeah that's fun that is fun isn't it yeah if you think you know this person don't tell him don't tell anyone if they don't know this person yeah yeah that's a good bit of fun isn't it it's a good bit of fun yeah sort of sort of fight sort of basically discovering

someone's sort of weak point and then actually sort of really bring out all the pain memories yeah that's good friend you are oh that's great bullseye absolutely right right on the fucking hot spot there you go yeah right on the nose smash all right well i won't ask any more questions about that while she's cracking up. Yeah. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread,

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any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A and w's in ontario experience a and w's classic breakfast on now dine in only until 11 a.m rob we don't realize our impact on the world um don't we in a good or bad way in a good way okay go on i went to blur now i've got i've got a problem you you're aware of my problem i keep going to watch blur yeah so you've seen blur four times four times in two weeks and we're radio two i wasn't even invited to and i'm on radio two

i wasn't invited to it rob how did you get in i heard about it said to my agent could you get me into this radio two gig okay i mean she's a good agent rob because i was at the radio 2 gig everyone i spoke to was like bloody hell you really wanted to get to this radio 2 gig all we heard was josh widdicombe's gotta get a ticket so also i went to eastbourne also i'm going tomorrow night to the hamilton apollo what's tomorrow night they're playing their new album no thank you my journey with blur is now over i've missed the boat should have gone two weeks ago not for me thanks um so when i went to wembley the first time yeah i bumped into a woman from the promoters from Metropolis Music, right? Who were booking, doing the tour.

Right. She went, oh, are you coming tomorrow? I was like, yeah, I've got tickets. I've still got to pay for them because they've been sorted for me. And she said, don't pay for them. Don't pay for them. She said, the amount you guys have done for blur on that podcast. She said,

every time you mentioned blur, the PR send it round and talk about what good PR it's been. Well, not what I've said isn't. We've readdressed that balance. Yeah. But honestly, she couldn't have been, couldn't i was like mate you've done two nights at wembley stadium would have been one without you yeah would have been one without

that must be quite exciting for you because really growing up blur if you people would talk about knowing someone from the blur management in like echoes and whispers like you've been a pub guy only that guy's cousin works in the PR department for Blur. Now you're at Wembley trying to start a business and the PR person's going to you, thank you for all you've done for Blur. I know. Mad.

How does that make you feel, Josh? No, we haven't charged them enough, Rob. We haven't charged them at all. We haven't charged them at all. We could have made a bit of money out of this. I don't know about kids. He's got a daughter. Graham Coxon?

He's got three kids. So we should work our way through the whole band. Anyway, how was it though, Blurgard? All you dreamed of? Oh, mate. All my dreams came true. It was just wonderful. Just wonderful, Rob.

Had a bit of an issue with parking. Right, okay. Have you ever tried... I drove to Wembley. Insane decision. Done it before. And I will never do it ever again. I don't think I'll ever go to Wembley Stadium for a gig

because leaving is the most horrific thing. They just channel you down that little roof. That's why I drove. That's why I drove. It's hard to get out. Once you're in the channel, you can't get out. No, I just stayed. I just stayed for an hour.

Right, okay. Let the crowds die down. Let the crowds die down. You're better off booking a hotel near Wembley stadium than just going into the hotel bar. Well, particularly cause I was going to doing two nights. Yeah.

Um, I did too. I mean, this was my weekend, Rob. Yeah. I did blur Saturday. I did the,

Oh yeah. I didn't tell you about this Saturday afternoon. I did. Um, I was in charge of hooker duck at the school fate. Yeah. Hooker suck. We chatted about that. Didn't we? Yeah. So, uh, do you want to see a picture of was in charge of hooker duck at the school fete. Yeah, hooker suck. We chatted about that, didn't we?

Yeah. So do you want to see a picture of me in charge of hooker suck? So you went to blur, then the next morning hooker duck suck, and then blur again. Yeah. I got quite wet. It was soaking at hooker duck suck. This is me in charge of hooker duck, Rob.

Oh, my God. Was it raining then? Yeah, it was pissing it down. And I was in shorts and a t-shirt oh josh you look like you've just been born anyway i did hook a duck absolutely nailed it then went and watched blur then the next morning went and watched nick cope uh who does um cbbc uh a cbb show where he sings songs went and watched him at the leicester square theatre met him that was a joy so exciting shout out to Nick Cope for letting my daughter have a photo with him.

He does songs on CBeebies. Yeah, my kids don't really watch CBeebies anymore. No, they'll be too old for CBeebies by now. Yeah, they're like watching Netflix. He's fucking brilliant. Isn't he? And I would recommend everyone watches Nick Cope's podcast. Lovely bloke.

And then I went and watched Blur again on Sunday. It was hell of an evening. Sunday? Hell of a weekend. Three times. Sunday and Sunday. Oh, so they did

Friday and Saturday. Yep, go on. Sorry. Friday? I did the bloody last leg, mate. Oh, of course. Of course.

So anyway, that was my weekend. We've still got to talk about BAIB for Picnic. Yeah, BAIB. Anything else? Don't, don't.

Yeah. So you were loving BAIB after I did the biotrip. You were loving, and it was were loving BA after I had the Dubai trip and it was an amazing flight perfect timing comfortable, wonderful wonderful staff on that BA flight from Dubai then what happened when you went to Ibiza?

Ibiza was his roses 40th weekend away and you went out on a Saturday I went out on a Saturday it was fine for me Rob but two of my friends turned up for their holiday to be told that they were on standby for the plane. But they had bought tickets. They had bought tickets.

Because of the heat, the plane wasn't going to be able to take everyone. And they were the unlucky ones. Because the heat meant there was something about it that the plane couldn't be, it had a weight limit. Absolute bollocks, surely. Well, they didn't even say this initially.

So this happened. They were just told, and they were like, so have you oversold the plane? And they were like, so I was with my friend, and she was talking to this woman, and the woman was rude, Rob. The A-lady. Yeah. I'm not going to name her. Yeah. Because she was really rude. She was talking to this woman and the woman was rude, Rob. The A lady. Yeah. I'm not going to name her.

Yeah. Because she was really rude. Let's say she's called Jane. So she was being really rude about it. She wouldn't give any details. She was going, no, it hasn't been oversold. It's just there's a weight problem. And you're like, well, it has been oversold because these people are being told they can't get on. Yeah.

And she's like, she couldn't give any information. old because these people are being told they can't get on yeah and she's like she couldn't give any information and she i would say wasn't showing much contrition for people who've just about to lose their holiday they're only going away saturday to tuesday and you're telling them you've got to go from city airport to now fly from gatwick at 4 p.m or something like that oh so you're there was it the morning from city and then, 8.30am. So it's one of your holiday days. It's a holiday. Gone. Yeah.

So then I said, I need to talk to someone higher up. Well, the plane's just taken off. I can talk to the pilot. Yeah, really nice. Well, I did end up talking to the pilot, Rob. I saw him walking down. I got him. That's how I found out about the heat thing.

I just went up to him and said, what's going on here? Yeah. Anyway, I said, what's your name? Yeah. Because she was being so rude. Yeah. And she put her hand over her name tag. That's such a clever move.

Yeah. But then. That's not what my kids would do yeah and then I was like you're being really rude and her mate who stood there he said

that's just Jane's tone I was like she's just a bit of a dick so you called Jane and she looked at him with anger She's just a bit of a dick. Yeah. That's just her though. So you called Jane and she looked at him with anger in her eyes that I've never seen before. That's so funny. Did she still cover the name tag?

Yeah. Even though she was holding it. It wasn't like that. It was like lanyard. Right, okay. So she was was holding it. It wasn't like that. It was like a lanyard. Right, okay. So she was just holding it. And then I said, because I, obviously, my reference for that is you watched Dad.

You must have seen Dad's Army, Rob. Yes. You know the don't tell him Pike scene where he says, there's a German soldier and he's like, I'm going to take your names. Yeah. And Mannering says, don't tell him Pike. And he goes, right, Pike.

Lovely stuff, yeah. Same, Same situation. So he said, that's just Jane's tone of voice. And I said, oh, don't tell him Pike. And they both looked at me. Like, what the fuck is this guy saying? The four candles. The four candles, yeah.

It didn't feel like the point to explain, you've obviously not seen this dance Dad's Al, have you? You've got to be more dewey-dewey, though, because you're on the plane. You're a bit more chill. At the end of the day, I can't lose anything. Anyway, in the end, the weather changed, and my friends were allowed on the plane, but one family wasn't. Really?

Yeah. Oh, that's family wasn't. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's brutal. Yeah. Four people. But anyway, it was fine in the end. It was all funny. All fun and games. So that's the thing.

In Australia, they do a thing where your bag can't be heavier than a certain weight. You know, like in the UK, it's more like this is how big the bag can be for hand luggage, you know, whatever and it goes you have to fit it in a little box and the rhino one just it'll just get small it goes like ba easy jet rhino but in australia it's like the bag can't be heavier than like 10 kg and there's a woman there was a woman who was like quite slim look quite athletic with a bag that was 11 kg right and? And again, you can't get it on. It's too heavy. It's too heavy for the plane. And a woman walked past her and weighed her bag that was 10 kg.

And the other woman, how do I say this? How are you going to tell this story, Rob? But we both, I'd say it. We both know what the story is. We all know. Even the people listening know. So if a tree falls in the woods, do I even need to say it? I don't think you need to finish the story.

I want to. So there was a lady that was quite slim and athletic with an 11kg bag. Yeah. It wasn't being allowed on because it was 1kg over. And there was another lady that came past with her bag that was on 10kg. But I'd say she was more athletic in a sort of stockier, more powerful sense. Right, yeah. As opposed to a long-distance runner.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe a bit more shot put. What you're saying is the combined kilos would definitely, definitely be more than the extra 1kg. Yeah. And this woman wasn't being allowed on with her 1kg over back. And I just was like... And what did she do, the 1kg over? She just pointed at the other woman and said,

huh? No, she didn't. Nothing. She was just going, I think that's a bit unfair. And then I was just stood there going, this is well out of order. But anyway. So they all got on the plane. I think we did well there didn't we yeah i thought we got away with it so then i go to ibiza yes how was i being so that's your first sober ibiza and

i think i would find it harder i was gonna say i'd find it hard because i'm starting drinking again i won't make it up 11 months. No, I think Glastonbury's an easier sober than Ibiza is. I think Ibiza's impossible to go and be sober and not drink. Glastonbury, there's stuff going on. Yes. Yeah, and if you love music and you can, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Because I'll be honest, I'd got cocky. I'd done Glastonbury. I'd done Pulp. I'd done Blur 16 times. I was ready for, I was like, but those are the things where things are going on. Yes. So it was fine by the pool in the day. Yeah. Read your book. But in the evenings.

Have a tea. I read a book. Do you drink tea on holiday? I drink tea in boiling conditions. That's horrible. I love it. What about porridge? I don't eat porridge. It's okay. Horrible. I love it. What about porridge? I don't eat porridge!

It's okay, sounds on. The lady doth protest too much. I don't really like porridge. I think it's boring. Stop fucking gobbling it then, mate. So, so, so, Weedbook's the... When I look at you, my brain just keeps saying porridge gobbler, because it's just making me laugh.

It's going to be the name of the fucking episode as well. Lee Cum Key followed by Porridge Gobbler. Lee's just not a cum gobbler. That's the main... Not that there's anyone like that. Tell you what, your porridge needs a bit of chilli oil. Next read.

And there's nothing wrong with gobbling cum if you're into it. No, no, exactly. We welcome all comers um so there was a school picnic on the tuesday rob yeah what's that mean like after the leavers day i thought the last day was wednesday it was tuesday and you were going to have a picnic with the with the kids yeah yeah i didn't realize that can you come back we got any we weren't going to make the picnic okay we got an email like on the thursday where i realized we'd misinterpreted what the picnic was and we were expected to be there oh no oh that's so oh no oh that's horrible when it happens yeah so when i and we couldn't so but i was flying back so when i texted my friend who's got kids in the older year and i said what's the score with this picnic on Tuesday?

I don't really understand what it is. I love you. You're sort of trying to manifest. It's not a big deal. What's the score? Yeah. I didn't steal. I didn't steer her enough is,

is what I would say. Yeah. Her reply is basically it's a big guilt fest. So if you don't go, you know that your children are sat in the park with other kids and their parents. Oh, my God. The worst reply.

You were looking for the complete opposite of that. Yeah. Yeah. At least you weren't hungover. Imagine reading that hungover. I hope you didn't tell Rose that. Rob? Yeah?

I flew back early. Did you? For the picnic. I did. You're a good man, Josh. Well, well, am I? Because I also think I'd had enough. I think the picnic was a good...

Excuse. Excuse. That's fair enough. That's fair enough. That's honest. I flew back the night before. I got the 9.30 p.m. on the Monday night to be back. It's a weird old plane that one the evening plane back

from when you're sober there was some people coming down on that plane i'll tell you that for free during takeoff i know there's some really sad it's quite quite sad because you know i went to that stag do and i you know i just drank i don't i don't partake in all those other things but in ibiza people do other stuff than drink and the people just if you're going there just have a peek in departures before you get the taxi to your hotel just to see what awaits you and it might it might calm you down a bit well do you know the thing is there's some people rose included go the thing about Ibiza is lovely restaurants and the north side of the island's really beautiful. And you go, yeah, but you've got to get the plane out

with everyone that's going to Ibiza. Exactly. There's plenty of places with nice restaurants and good beaches. Yeah. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built-in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2.

See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly, cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. I told you about the time when I fell asleep on the bus and got off because I missed my stop, and then I crossed the road and waited an hour for another night bus,

and it was the same driver that'd done the full loop. Oh, God. So I couldn't just sleep for an hour on the bus and come back. I've had a couple like that well i've woken up in bus stations before in the night bus where they've just left the door open i'm in the bus station asleep much younger in these days obviously i woke up one when i was in manchester i fell asleep on the bus yeah and when i woke up i was still on the same bus but further back because i'd done the full like i was still so i'd

and i still had my chips in my hand and i just carried on eating my chips do you know so i after when i come back from the holiday um we're talking about drinking i've i've i'm over like beery bingey drinking now i like a couple of drinks like like two beers or a glass of wine with dinner and stuff like that, but actual like boozing. So on the Friday, I come back from a holiday on the Thursday. On the Friday, did just go dating, went to the one show. Then I met some mates in a pub. The Fight Disciples, actually, the podcast Fight Disciples.

That geezer that said you were salty before, Nick P. Yeah, I wasn't salty. Anyway, lovely lads. So I met them in the pub. I was all excited to like one bit, have a little bit of a break from pushing Lou around with the kids. They were at home also. And I had like, I didn't eat all day because I was busy

and I just didn't get a chance to. And I had like five or six pints of lager of Stella Artois. Oh, my God. And I just felt awful. The next day, I went to the toilet, Josh, because I didn't eat much. I had a shit and it smelt of Stella. And I was like, this can't go on. This is horrible.

It's the first time I've done that in ages. Reassuringly expensive shit. And I don't think I could do that. I don't enjoy that anymore. And that's what I've been through. It's put a lot of booze in all day. It's interesting with not drinking where you're like, I just turned up and I felt nervous to be part of the group,

if that makes sense. Because normally in that stage you'd have a drink to kind of big social situations. Even if it's 10 people you know. I just sat and kind of read my book in the corner by the pool. Pathetic. And also some people feel insecure because when you drink, you act stupid and you're a dick,

but you're just not aware of it because you're drunk yeah it's essentially you get a freedom because you switch off for a bit and it feels fun and it is fun but you're just borrowing fun from tomorrow because tomorrow there is no fun so it's like and then if they see you being quite measured it it snaps them back into reality a little bit and they'll be like oh god what am i doing because he'll know because you know because i was at this pub i left at half 11 because i started an anecdote and i forgot the ending i'll go through and i thought i've got to go here but then in the evenings i was so i i got through it fine yeah but i really struggled to get to sleep because i was such an effort to push myself through these social situations and being

surrounded by people that were drunk and so i'd get into bed and i was like fucking wired if that makes sense well so you've not done anything all day you just sat around reading exactly didn't help that i was reading a book about a man that was absolute hellraiser in ibiza that was a mistake is that what you're reading i was reading fat tony's book yeah so it's just a book about a man doing loads of drugs. It wasn't ideal. But did Rose have a good time? All the mates have a good time?

She had a lovely time. I flew back, did the picnic. It was very nice, very pleasant. That was a good thing to do though, Josh. Very wholesome, very... That's me, Rob. That's me these days. You're a good guy.

I've just got to admit it. I've just got to admit, I prefer to be at a picnic with my kids than in Pasha. But would you actually prefer to be there or would you prefer to not have the guilt of not being there? So the other things I need to talk to you about, Rob. My daughter misses school. She wants it to be school.

My kids need – The picnic finished at three it's their last day they were like does anyone you can come back for the final hour of school or you can go home with your parents she went back for the final hour i just had to sit around and wait for her to finish school do you think that you're maybe not bringing it enough at the home is it making me question your fun first day of the holidays she had her teddies out and she was playing school well she loves she loves school and the second day we took her in for play scheme because she wanted to go back in but my kids prefer it i think they don't want to

go when you're getting them into school and getting up early but yeah they they need to be doing something that's why summer holidays is so impossible to entertain them for that amount of time and tire them out but keep them physically and mentally engaged. At the moment, my daughters now, I looked out the window, they're in the garden, right, in their knickers, just the knickers, wrestling. And they basically, they wrestle and hold each other until, if one says stop, they have to stop. This is their rules they've invented, and they just wrestle.

My daughter said she was bored 9.30 on the first day of summer holidays. Anyway, that's where I am. And there is more, but i can't find uh the email that i've put in we can do some next week we've got guests we've got sean walsh coming back on for the second part after having the baby we had him on before um talking about the baby coming so he's back and then we've got loads of good guests lined up i found the email who from myself oh you know to myself i emailed myself okay all the things yeah i've talked about everything perfect good work um right see you on tuesday um small business shout out do we do that this

is the friday ones we don't know we do oh yeah fuck you small businesses we'll just take down ba that's that's all um british petroleum great guys selling petrol in most areas. And Apple. Apple. Do computers and stuff. That's our big business shout-outs. Big business shout-outs on Friday. Yeah. This one headphone that I've had from Apple for a long time is still working. That's all I'm saying.

Wicked. I'll see you on Tuesday, Josh. See you on Tuesday. Bye. Bye. What a time to be alive alive And not in a good way Pringles are £3.99 You have to scan a barcode

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Who'd open? Who'd close? What gig nightmare do they never want to relive? All this and much, much more. It's essentially comedy, gossip and chat. You know, I remembered this the other day. My first ever gig. It was like a Friday night open mic night. And they said, we'll just announce you on when you're on. We haven't got a running order. It's a bit freeform. I got to the end of the night and then they wrapped it up and they'd forgotten to put me on. And I'd sat there the whole night. We've also got Stuart Lee, Harry Hill, Jen Brister, Ben Bailey-Smith,

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