Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP21: There's been a secret coup...

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with all right can you say rob be Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Withicombe?

Josh Withicombe. Oh, nice. Thank you. There we go. Oh, my God. They're American. You're not going to believe what one of them's called. Okay, let me guess. We'll come to it at the end. I'm going to leave the names at the end. Chuck. Uh, no.

Hello, you two sexy, relatable guys. No no it's better than that rob it's incredible we have been listening to you for years and love the humor that you inject into parenting want to let you know you have big fans in the state and would love to see you both come over uh for now we have to settle for jimmy carr who will be here in october not the same and if you see him you can let him know keep up the great work and one day we'll all be on to see a live show so he's suggesting that they only go to see Jimmy Carr because he's the only British comic

that goes yes but they are in Denver Colorado I mean that is that's a big US tour if you're doing Denver isn't it sorry Josh just cracking a little brewski oh yeah I'll crack a brewski as well. Now we get to the real crux of the excitement.

Yeah, come on. The boys have two very British names. The first one is Liam. It was 68 months. And the second one is called Beckett. That's a first name. That's a first name. How many months?

18. That's because of the show, isn't it? That's because of the show. We did think about Rob when we named our son Beckett, so they don't do anything crazy to get yourself cancelled and cancel the name. Have they named their child after me, Josh? Well, they haven't explicitly said that,

but they have said when they chose the name, you did come up as a variable. Do you know what? That is good in a way, because I'm not saying they named the son after me, or daughter, I don't know what a Beckett would be, but what I'm saying is my name didn't put them off it. Exactly, exactly.

Do you know what I mean? Little Beckett, I don't know what the surname is lindsey and arlene from denver colorado um so there you go that's nice isn't it how do you feel about that beckett as a well i'll get called beckett anyway mostly yeah exactly yeah so it might as well be my first name it works i didn't know it was a first name. Beckett. I don't know. In America, it's very American. Apart from Ann Widdicombe, what's the Widdicombe sitch globally?

There's a place called Widdicombe in Devon. I don't think Devon, they've got every word. Here we go. Here we go. No, but it's like, they just like, you know, when they like just make it up, it gets out because when they do all the big cities, do you know what I mean? They do like London, Manchester, just like, you know, when they, like, just make it up. It gets out. Because when they do all the big cities, do you know what I mean? They do, like, London, Manchester, Burnham, York. And then as you, like, move further out and get into more, like, non-bigger places, there's always something called, like, spaffing.

Running out of words. Chuff, chuff. Yes, yes. Just, oh, let's just call this one chuff, chuff. It's like they've given up. Like, oh, mate, we've done the cities and towns. It's really. Spunk bubble. Let's call it've given up. Like, oh, mate, we've done the cities and towns. It's really... I'm just... Spunk bubble.

Let's call it spunk bubble. There's a place in Devon called Westwood Ho, Rob. Westwood Ho? Westwood Ho. H-O. H-O, yeah, sure. And it's the only place that's name ends in an exclamation mark. There's no need for that, is there?

Why have they got an exclamation mark for the ho? I don't know, Rob. They've just got an exclamation mark. It's the only place with an exclamation mark. the hoe i don't know rob they've just got an exclamation mark it's the only place with an exclamation mark it's mad nah that's crazy guys that's the problem you give local councils too much power yeah yeah before you know it you've got three bin collections a week and there's a semicolon up your ass at the end anyway beckett how's your week been as a parent? Pretty good week, actually. Busy.

Yeah, that's good. Yep. I do need to issue an apology to you. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Because you started talking about your ill cat, and I completely interrupted you and spoke about something else, and Lou informed me and said it was very rude.

Really? I apologise, Josh, yeah. Oh, God, it's fine. No, no, but I'm just saying... Although they started sleeping on the stairs. Is that a sign of illness? Sleeping on the stairs? I don't know. Or are they so ill that they've put themselves there

so you can carry them up? Well, they can't get up. You know, like when your wife puts your shoes or a book on the stairs and it's like that needs to go upstairs. I put stuff on the stairs, Rob. I'm a huge put stuff on the stairs guy. Is that a bad habit? I think so.

I may launch, but the only thing I launch onto the stairs, up the stairs, because we've got a little stair gate for the dogs to stop them going up, is teddies so the dogs don't chew them. So I just launch them up the stairs. But I'm not really a, because we've got the little stair gate for the dogs to stop them going up, is Teddy's so the dogs don't chew them. So I just launched her up the stairs. But I'm not really a putter. Because we've got the stair gate still there, I'm not really a putter on the stairs kind of guy. So say you find something downstairs that needs to go upstairs.

Where is it going? I don't think that much stuff needs to go upstairs. What? I find that actually. I just sort of feel like, well, your bed your bed's already up there how much you need up because i'll be honest with you josh most of the time i'm upstairs i'm either washing or sleeping you know i mean there's not a lot going on up there so your bed's just like it's just a bed it's like a crack den just like a mattress on the floor we got a new we got a new new sheet loop all these sheets because they look good but they're So your bed's just like, it's just a bed. It's like a crack den. Just like a mattress on the floor.

We got a new sheet. Loop all these sheets because they look good, but they're like a thick material. The kids used to scream saying it feels like a haystack. It's disgusting. And I genuinely wasn't sleeping properly because it was loud. It was crunchy. You were being woken up by the volume of your own sheets.

Oh, it was like, yeah. I hated it, right? And I am. I like it as soft as poss yeah yeah yeah i'd go to sleep in a bowl of soup if it was possible well for comic relief rob i'm sure we can make it happen anyway we got some new sheets and i came home late from a gig and i got into them and lou had put them on and i made so many happy noises that Lou woke up. Oh,

because I've got in, I was like, Oh, Oh yeah. And then I've been sleeping soundly, Josh. Sleeping soundly. I'm glad for you,

Rob. I'm glad for you. So it's good. We've been sleeping soundly. We had a, um, a yes day for the kids. Oh yeah.

You love them, don't you? It's kind of, you have to do what they say. Yes. The only problem with the yes day is, though, in public, they'll say, ask for something, and we'll go to say no, and then my daughter screams at the top of her voice,

don't say the N word, and it looks like we are horrifically racist. And also, like, you have no power over your children as well also as well that they're the like the moral barometer in the family yeah yeah like come on dad bring it in mate sunday just keep it indoors that kind of shirt you got a public profile dad come on screw your head back on boy and so what do they are they gonna get to an age where yes day is like awkward like where they they can the things are asking for is everybody asked for their ears pierced so the yes day sort of it really the yes part of it because they're a bit older now as well it's more just like

can i pour a cup of water on your head and you're like right yeah yeah yeah so what did you do with the ears pierced no i was like no when you're older like come on mate let's let's draw a line somewhere i came downstairs and had pancakes for breakfast because that's what they wanted yeah and then like when they said can i have more sprinkles or more honey we were like yeah rather than no you've had enough you know trying to be at your parents and then they went dad can you eat your breakfast naked and i was like i can't i know it's yesterday, but I can't do that. That's mental. Humiliating.

Degrading, isn't it? Horrible. Just feeling that cold chair on your nutsack as you tuck into a bowl of brown flakes. Yeah. Also, that's not a childhood memory they actually want. That's not what you want, is it? That's not.

You don't want to be thinking, I remember when I was seven and my dad sat with his knob out while I ate pancakes with too much honey on. But it was yesterday. I said no,

but I had a towel and I'm forgetting I had a shower. As a side, as a side note, I would, it's a similar thing, but I don't know what to do about it. So my children bath together. Yeah. Yeah.

So they get on really well, you know, 85% of the time, and then they hate each other 15% of the time, which I'd say the ratio is far higher than we were worried about before having a second child of good. I'd say our ratio has got better since the end of the summer holidays that ratio really dropped off a cliff right by the last week but yeah yes i totally agree totally agree so they bath together and they love it but one of the things they've done is my daughter is likes to go i'm gonna teach him to swim and by doing that she lies she lies back and then he'll lie

on top of her and kind of swim and they'll both love it but they're essentially in the missionary position right it's so cute but so horrible but there's nothing nothing and it's a fun game for them playing swimming but when they lie in that position I can't help but go I know what that position is in the adult world. Did it junk your memory?

That's my first time. Lovely bit of business Rob. You got there first. I'm not even from somewhere. What's that? That reminds me of... Yeah, I think they'll probably grow out of that before we make it weird. I think it makes it weirder if I go, could you not do that?

Yeah, that does make... It's like when I was sort of like showering my trousers, my pants on and stuff. But I wasn't going to go in straight naked to eat cereal and eat a pancake. But I ate it with my towel on, topless. Imagine if the postman came to the door and you sat there, dick out, eating cereal, obviously, and two children. Can you sign for this?

Yes, I can. It's yes day. Come in. No, don't worry. This isn't weird. I'm just doing what my children asked for. Yeah, it's what they wanted. Don't blame me. Blame them doing what my children asked for. Yeah, that's just what they wanted. It's what they wanted.

Don't blame me. Blame them. If anyone's getting judged in here, it's not me. It's not me and my dick. My dick's judge-free. My dick's trying to do a good thing for his children. So talk me through the rest of Yes Day because I'm loving it. Right.

So the origins of of yesterday is rather than i'm not a big fan of going if you get an 10 out of 10 in your spellings or if you do that well in your guitar or or football or whatever it is you do i'm i'm not really an ability-based kind of incentive guy when it comes to child management we give it what they basically my daughter's ages guy she was really upset and having dreams and she told us what she was upset about and she saw, she saw like, I don't know if I've mentioned this,

she saw a bloke who was a bit scary like in the woods and it sort of got in her head and then she was dreaming about it but she told us about it and then my other daughter told us about some worries

she had at school and stuff. So we give them, when they communicate with us and tell us their worries because it doesn't matter what the worry is but telling us is the thing they're rewarded for

which opens like, and we do bubble time and have family meetings and stuff now. But it's, yeah, so anyway, that's what it originated for. So they wanted to feed a sloth. My daughter was obsessed with sloths. And it just so happens that it made us look like magic parents that Drusilla's Park, which is about an hour and 20 minutes away from us, have sloths and a baby sl, and you can feed them.

Amazing. So we went down to Drusilla's Park. Have you ever been to Drusilla's Park? No, but I saw the pictures on Lou's Instagram. Yeah, it's really good, actually. It's like, it's better for you. I think it'd be perfect for your age, kids. My kids are eight and six in December.

So it's October now. So I'd say there's rides there that my kids are sort of enjoyed but they're getting slightly too old for already but there's loads of animals and stuff so if you've got little toddlers it's a perfect age and then let's hear what they made it was a really magical day but the main thing i'm taking away from it is the smell of monkey piss when i walk past one of the monkey enclosures and i know there's not much a zoo can do about that because if it's pissed it's pissed and then they go and the smell of monkey piss when I walk past one of the monkey enclosures. And I know there's not much a zoo can do about that because if it's pissed, it's pissed.

And then they go, and the rest of them smell fine. But I don't know if one monkey had a bit of a bladder problem. I don't know though, Rob. Monkeys are intelligent. If you put a urinal in there. Maybe they were pissing over the wall. Maybe that's why it smells so bad. That's how intelligent they are.

This is funny, George. I don't know. There's like a ride thing on it and there was a lady on it with like a probably 10 month old baby and then a 2 year old kid and she wanted to hold the baby and sit next to her kid but it's only 2 people per

like pod so she couldn't do it she had to sit behind holding the baby and the kid sit in the front but the kid was quite scared so she was like oh god I didn't know what to do because she had 2 so i said join me to hold your baby baby she went yeah yeah oh yeah oh yeah okay podcast man yes and gave me the baby so i just held a baby and it was so funny though because the baby was fine when she saw the mum because it was a circular ride that went around like a carousel when the mum was out of vision the baby completely

lost its shit but then was absolutely fine again when the mum was out of vision the baby completely lost its shit but then was absolutely fine again when the mum came round so I was like this there she is so I was holding up a loo come over and went what the hell are you doing because I was just holding a baby and I was like isn't that weird just because we do a podcast about parents people just give me their children

yeah that is weird it is weird isn't it but it was nice you got to go on the ride of a kid. That is nice. Because in my head, I'd have thought, do you want me to sit with your child on the ride? But of course, that wouldn't have helped anything. I'd say that's more unsettling for the...

I'd say that's weirder. And of course, it's Yes Day, so I would be on it naked. Sorry to ruin, but it is my children's Yes Day, actually. How did Yes Day end? So Yes Day ended with a Wagamama's Deliveroo, because that's what they wanted for dinner. I'd say that's quite a curveball for children to eat, isn't it, Wagamama's? That's quite an achievement.

Well, do you know what? I think we hit McDonald's slash Chippenburgers so hard when they were little in a sort of almost disgusting way that I can imagine a lot of people would judge me for. And that's fine. I think they've actually tapped out on it now and they're like Wagamamas. Oh, well done. They're like Wagamamas and Pizza Express. They're sort of like two sort of middle-aged divorcees that meet up for lunch once a week

to keep each other company in the suburbs. And I took a no sushi as well on saturday but they i mean yeah this makes quite exciting for a kid yeah but they just have plain pasta they're plain noodles and plain rice that then i have to order separately then go to the end of the conveyor belt to put on and hope nobody takes it no one's taking that mate but they they what they enjoy is just taking stuff off a conveyor belt, right? Of course. I reckon I had about

13,000 calories and spent about 200 quid because they just kept on taking it. You can't pop it back on because I've had two of them. I looked one way, looked the other and they just took another one. Yeah, so they did that. Yeah, feeding the soft was amazing. That was good.

Until, and I've never seen Lou and the kids laugh so much, he was feeding it sweet corn. There was two of them, one with a baby. Feeding it sweet corn and stuff. And then gave it like a cucumber, like this seven-inch cucumber, right? Yeah. He's chewing away on the cucumber. Then it threw it on my head.

What? I wasn't looking. The esophagles, the sloth, which is a great pun, the esophagles, dropped a cucumber on my head from about eight foot. I felt a bit dazed. The kids, I thought, were going to explode with laughter. Can you imagine being five and a sloth drops a cucumber on your dad's head i was like this is it i just felt like you know you feel like why am i a comedian i was like

stuff like that like why am i head that's probably a highlight of your childhood isn't it what did you do oh laughed it off i was absolutely furious yeah yeah yeah you can't react can you talk about don't drop a cucumber on the head that feeds you. I was literally feeding it. And did you give it back? No. The zookeeper lady just sort of picked it up and put it in a bucket. But if you want to save the sloths, Drew Schiller's Park are doing a fundraising thing for sloths.

So go and small business shout out in the middle. A sloth fundraising. It's a charity thing they do. But no, it was good. Really good. I think you and your, because it's not too far either for you. Yeah, that's good. Why don't you get through the tunnel?

I always say that. Yeah, we're having an animal themed birthday party for my daughter. Oh, that's good. They've got loads of good wacky animals at Drew Simmons Park. Well, no, we've already booked it. We've already booked it,

but we will go because she's fucking animal obsessed, Rob. I told you. They've got a beaver, Josh. Oh, come on now. And it's so hard not to do beaver jokes when you're, you just all, I'm a dad. I just, nice beaver josh oh come on now and it's so hard not to do beaver jokes when you're you just all i'm i'm a dad i just nice beaver you just can't it's sort of like you can't not say nice beaver when you see a beaver and what's lou's reaction to that

i rolls her eyes deep down absolutely loving it is that what you would is that how you describe your relationship rolls her eyes deep down, absolutely loving it. Well, I found out something. I don't know if I think she was impressed, but I think she was trying to pretend she had the ick. But I found out I've got a party trick, Josh. Oh, no. They have these massive long poles, scaffold poles they look like,

with a buzzer on top that you're supposed to climb up to see if you can climb like a sloth. And I zipped up there. Have you seen it on my Instagram? No. Go on my Instagram. And I didn't know I could do it, but basically I used to do it when I was a kid on my washing line at home in the garden.

Just climb up there. But you've got very grippy feet. Yeah, I think it's more my core and my incredible calves that power me up there rather than my free feet. Look at you go. I know, it's quite impressive, isn't it? Blimey. But that's my party trick now, so. That's your party you go! It's quite impressive, isn't it? Blimey. But that's my party trick now, so...

That's your party trick now. It does look good, doesn't it? I didn't know I had a party trick, but I do need to bring a 10-foot pole to the party. Look, that is really good. I zoomed up there. You could go Ninja Warrior UK. Yeah, but that's all I can do.

If I have to hold my body weight without my legs, I'll fall off immediately. I think it's your feet. It's the way... Do you know what you've got? What's loose? Oh, God. Your exit's a little... To be honest with you, the dismount, I bang my knee and it's still sore. Yeah, yeah. You don't

look happy. I hated the dismount. I didn't know what to do. The freeze frame at the end, you could have worked on that when you were uploading it. Put an emoji over my really red sore face. Yeah. A bloke come along with his girlfriend and tried to have a go and he was doing it with his shoes on.

And then you can't really do it with your shoes on. So he took them off. Then he tried to do it with his socks and then slipped right down. He went, oh, no, I can't do it with socks. And he took his socks off and then tried bare feet like me and then he slipped back down again. He went, oh, no, it's because I've got sweaty feet. Then he dried his feet. Went to do it and he slipped back down again it went oh no it's because i've got sweaty feet then he dried then he dried his feet went to do it slid back down again and then just walked off

bare feet and his girlfriend picked up his shoes and followed him oh my god that is so good um oh i wish i did that do you know what you've got very loose uh much looser than me um is um what are the bits that join your kind of your legs to your you know the two inside bits groin your groin your groin you've got such a loose groin rob you know i've had a past and uh yeah The way you've got your legs out is incredible. Well, I think I'm hypermobile, so I'm quite flexible. And I've got quite strong legs. So that's the only reason I can do that. Because I'm so heavy.

I weigh about 14 stone. So I'm quite heavy. I can't do it. If it was just my arms, I'd fall off straight away. But I've got strong legs. Yeah, so that's my party trick. I've got a party trick now. That's good, yeah.

Could you do that on a rugby post, maybe? I'm just trying to think of other places. Could you do it on a lamppost? Probably, if I was celebrating the old, what is it called, the old Bengals NFL victory, as my good friend Josh Whittaker celebrated. We lost this weekend,

Rob, heartbreakingly. We've lost three of our games. We've only won one. Are you going watch it at wemberly with vernon k he's normally always there i'm going next weekend i'll be honest rob yeah i and i i don't do it on purpose and you'll be you when you mention something on this you do just get approached about it. Blowjobs. Sorry, Josh, carry on. Before you know it, Rob, you're going to have a free post in your garden. It's unbelievable. Like a free big metal post

in your garden. I'm going to have a scaffold pole. You'll be able to climb up every morning. Yeah. But it's just how sad our lives are. We don't really imagine anything that exciting. This week I got offered NFL tickets and a kettle.

You've got to take the kettle. Fuck nfl mate the kettle situation have you have you got a kettle yet i've been away i'd argue though with a kettle it's nice to be offered a kettle but i'd say you can afford a kettle and you probably want to pick one that goes in your kitchen yeah whereas the nfl thing is sold out so So it's like, well, I'm definitely up for that. And thank you. I genuinely thank you for all the kettle offers. But I'd almost feel too guilty taking the kettle. Why?

If you know what I mean. Why? Why do you feel guilty taking the kettle? Because, well, if next week, Rob, during our conversation, you hear me drop a brand of kettle in six times, then you'll know that the guilt wasn't strong enough. so um i was gonna say i've had a very fun wholesome weekend with the girls however i would say it's been an up and down weekend i don't want to come across it's all gone too well josh on here um i got accused of being a liar by my daughter and that's you can

see that on instagram so that note did you see that note rob you're i see you in my stories you don't come up on my fucking um grid you don't come up i've got you know my grid's just i've just liked to load your photos so that you come up as something that i'm interested in because the problem is yeah your get your grid reinforces itself it just cuts down to about eight different people that you haven't really chosen. I know, the algorithm's mental. It gets real, like, hardcore. And then when you like those, you just get stuck with those people,

so you just forget the other people. I didn't know you were posting on the grid. Three people. Here we go. I'll tell you mine. Cold War Steve. Cold War Steve. Joe Swift from Gardner's World.

Fucking hell, that's a kick in the teeth. Also, my grid's just videos all the time now Yeah don't tell me about it mate It's just gone tiktok light isn't it Instagram Yeah and Paul McCartney's the next one I never look at him So I've got accused of being a liar I can read the note out

Yeah yeah Oh yeah yeah Yeah yeah no I've got it in front of me now I've got it in front of me now Do you want to read it out Do not come in Because daddy lied to me. Lied! Exclamation mark like Westwood Ho.

And then there's a drawing of a face with wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. And tears coming out the face. Who did that? The eldest. Because her handwriting has got so much anger in it that it looks like an adult's handwriting. Like it's scrawled fast. The N, yeah, the N.

She scribbled it out quick. It looks like Lou's done it, Rob. Right, okay. Well, do you think she's just forced to blame on the children? Oh, no, no, because she's put Daddy. I take it back. It's not Lou. It's not Lou.

So it's definitely Lou. She definitely is. And so what did you lie about asked my daughter said can't remember so I'd say I'd say it's probably an over to write that

no I think you'd probably remember the day after wouldn't you I think she said something like oh you said mummy was going to come in and give me a hug

when she came home for a night out and I was like how am I in trouble here she's out in the piss and didn't come and give me a hug when she came home for a night out. And I was like, how am I in trouble here? She's out in the piss and didn't come and give you a hug and I'm in trouble. But she might have done because she's asleep anyway. But they sometimes, if we go out, want to be woken up

when we come in to be given a hug. But I'm like, that's never good. Because I've tried it once. They just look at you like a ghost and panic. No one's going to do that. No one's going to do that. I got told that I love football more than them because I was watching football. That's true.

And I'll tell you what, I'll be honest with you, that Liverpool-Tottenham game was so much drama that at one point I think I did. If I'm honest. So talk me through. So you'll have the football on in the background. Football on is on. When the football's on, it's on in our house on at least one telly all weekend that's my life really yeah who are you jeff stelling yeah like no joy i'm a man enjoying himself josh and that's what you should do too stick the football on in the

background if they don't like it they can play i'm just not into it anymore rob i'm just not into it anymore what are you into i don't know but i'm not that fussed about football anymore except plymouth argyle um but yeah i i do need i'm looking for new hobbies because my how's your drawing you was doing a drawing course i just haven't got the time rob so i don't really need new hobbies yeah if you had the time what would your hobby be? I don't know, Rob. But do you know what? The football gaps left. I've just gone off the Premier League and I need something. I'm looking.

I've got zero gaps. My sport intake is obscene at the moment. I actually couldn't go to sleep Saturday night because I was so overexcited. About the Ryder Cup? Well, there was a bit of Ryder Cup on. There was football on at midday. And then there was that Tottenham-Liverpool game, which was amazing.

And then I'm straight into the boxing on DAZN. Then there was boxing on Sky Sports. Then there was a Canelo fight. And I got my Nintendo Switch EA FIFA game delivered. I was buzzing off my nut. And at one point, I text my mate going, my God, it's 1am and it's only the main event's only just started. And he's like, what are you talking about?

And I realised I'd paused it ages ago to buy someone on my FIFA game, forgot I was two hours behind Josh. Oh, my God. I think I bet him three. Oh, my word. It's great. Rob, your life is so different to mine now you've moved to the country and just have Sky Sports and sit alone watching it

and playing FIFA on your Switch. Also, we've got a very different day today. I know you've got a busy day because we want to find out about your week because you're working quite a lot. But I'd say we've got complete opposite days today. Talk me through your day. So we met at 8 a.m. to do a podcast. We're interviewing a guest straight after this.

So we should be done at 10 30 correct yeah yeah and then um i'm finished for the day oh you fucking and then i'm gonna go for a nice dog walk with lou oh no and then i'm popping up to the royal albert hall to listen to eckhart toole about the power of now living in the moment and god trying to continue to be awakened so jealous what are you up to yeah my, my day's busy, Rob. My whole life's busy at the moment. I've got three more days. Yeah, talk us through your week.

So I'm filming away with Nish at the moment and we did Benidorm. Benidorm? Benidorm. Or a little holiday before you started filming. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Four days of filming in Benidorm. How did Nish get on with Benidorm?

Do you know what? Better than I did, almost. Right. Because he's from South London, really, isn't he? You've got to remember, also, he can drink. Yes. Yeah. If he drinks.

You can drink. That's not your problem. You can do it. You're good at it, boy. You can do it. Don't beat yourself up, mate. You can drink. You can drink really well

if anything too well too good at it yeah if anything it's so good it ain't they had to ban it if Carlsberg did drinkers they'd be you yeah it's an interesting place isn't it Rob yeah I used to go there on holiday yeah I've never seen so many old drunk people in my life i've never seen so many 70 year olds having a pint with breakfast yes that always threw me i mean like because me and my family we used to live live sorry stay nearby to bend on in a place called javier which was really quite nice it was touristy but a bit more spanish it had a nice old town and stuff where we would go to benidorm for day trips where because my mum wouldn't dad wanted to have fish and chips when we were away um because they liked the fish because it was proper fish and chips so we'd go

there so they could have some english food and then we'd buy fake football shirts and go on the amusements and stuff and we loved it as kids i've not i've not been back since i was a kid i feel like i've had the first time i've ever felt like there's an edge at hotel breakfast there's an edge like you know when you go in a bar and you think chris there's an edge to this right kick off in the evening yeah yeah it's the first time I've ever felt that at a hotel breakfast. It's the first time I've ever been sat at a hotel breakfast thinking I might get out of here before it all kicks off because there's a lot of people who've had too much to drink here. Oh, dear.

So then we got home. I've had such a time of it, Rob. You know I had that 5 a.m. get home. So then I got home. I've had such a time of it, Rob. You know I had that 5 a.m. get home. So then I got home at 3 a.m. What, from Benidorm? From Benidorm. Yeah. On Thursday night.

So then it was my time. So the Sunday you came back from Lake District, 5 a.m., it was a home Sunday, then Monday you flew to Benidorm. No, no, no. Had Pointless week. Did Pointless. Did Pointless, sorry. Did our podcast, another thing on the Monday.

Did Pointless till the Thursday. Had things on the Friday. Had to pull them because I was too broken. I was absolutely exhausted. You do four episodes of Pointless a day, Rob. Four a day? Yeah, it's fucking mad. Like, it's really fun.

But by the end of the day, I was like, fuck it, how am I i i'm so broken i'd lovely time on it but i've gotta say rob yeah for a day is something else fair play to do you know what alexander armstrong does what he does classic fm from 9 till 12 comes across town on a bike and then does four episodes of Pointless. And he lives in Oxford. What? And he does it every day, Monday to Friday? Yeah.

Nah. What's wrong with him? I can't even watch right movies. How's he doing that? Fucking fair play to the bloke. And he's having a lovely time. The problem there is, you can't moan because he's doing more than you. I know, and he's done it for fucking years.

And he's 10, 15 years older than you. I wouldn't moan because I'm enjoying it. He's got four kids. I only realised how tired I was when I got in the car and I was like punch drunk, if you know what I mean. Oh, fair play to him. So anyway, he does that. He's not playing FIFA on the sofa watching boxing, is he?

No, I can tell you he's not. I reckon there's more than one of him. There's got to be more than one of him. There's no way there's only one. I reckon they're triplets. There's no fucking way. Like in the Prestige? There's no way. He's never looked tired either.

No, he looks fucking incredible. We need to get him on to get his secret. Yeah, next time he's got an album out, we're here, Alex. What if you want to promote your classic FM show? I don't know. Does that something people do? I don't know when he'd fit us in.

He could do it on the motorbike. Sorry, we're losing you, Alex. So anyway, I did did that and then i did benidorm then i got back at 3 a.m thursday night got up school run yep um because you want to see you know you're like i'm not gonna have a lion now i've come home like they were i expressly said can i have the last flight rather than lose the next day? Yes. What's the last flight back from Benidorm like?

It was the 11.20. From Alicante. Yeah, the 11.20 from Alicante. It was good. I had a nice chat. We were in the front row, you know, when you're in the absolute front. Yeah. Easy jet.

And I had a lovely chat with the air jet and um i had a lovely chat with the air steward had a lovely chat with her she was really nice um and um and then we landed and she was like um my colleague wants a photo with you it's all right i was like yeah yeah that's fine she said he's stuck at the back of the plane. You all right for everyone else to get off first? Fuck off. No. On the 1120, go, no, bring him down here. And I was like, yeah. And then after about 10 people, no, after about 10 people got off,

I realized how long it was going to take. I was like, I'm really sorry. I've got a school run in the morning. I've got to go. Yeah, that's fair enough. Once, Josh, I was sat in the front row, and this girl, she's quite an attractive girl like about 25 I was probably about 30

come over and went excuse me do you mind if I sit there I went and I'll in like my seat I was like pardon do you want to have a sit there

at the front and like my seat's like row 11 and I went no I don't no I don't no

I'm just no I'm sitting but she was sort of like trying to be like sort of flirty. Was it Cara Delevingne? She went, I went, no.

She went, oh, it'd just be really nice to sit there. I went, yeah, I imagine it would, yeah. Yeah, and if you want to sit here, just book it early and pay the extra. I'm just going to be sitting here, actually. And I just thought, that must have worked in the past for her to that kind of the first time she looked the way she came up was as if like it was now done and i felt like and if you're that kind of bloke that would have given it up just you are pathetic yeah yeah grow up that's awful and how was the school run on three hours sleep school run was lovely school run was uh very pleasant i how was the school run on three hours sleep school run was lovely school

run was uh very pleasant i love doing the school run rob i like the school run my youngest has started kicking off about going in so that's hard now that's tough yeah but i think it's because she's in year one now so it's like the year the reception year is that you just do as much playing as you want and then year one's a bit more like, right, actually we're learning stuff now. And it's a bit like, so I think it's just a bit of a settling in process because my other daughter was like that as well, my older daughter. But yours is good. Yeah, I tell you what, because my son is now,

his play school is in the same building as my daughter's school. Oh, that's good. For the first time in my life i'm dropping them both off in the same place at the same time that's good and it feels fucking good rob it's so good imagine it's gonna be so good like the once every six weeks you get to do that i'm i'm back for good all all summer this is it now once I've done that this is all summer

I've gone mental I'm back for the whole summer now it's October it's October the 1st 2nd 3rd get this there's been a coup

Rob a coup? a bloodless coup a bloodless coup I don't think I'm I don't think I'm the class rep anymore, but I don't think I've been told. Oh, I knew this happened to me. They're sneaky.

It's not been in government. So what's happened? Someone else has just started forwarding on the messages. Have you not been forwarding them on? To the group. No, no, no. They're not coming to me anymore, Rob. So you're in the group that you need to forward it onto and then you've got another

group that will deliver the message there's the head of the parents network and she sends them to the reps who then forward it onto their class right and you're not getting them from the head of the parents network but you are in a group that is getting the messages into and you're not getting them from the head of the parent network but you own a group that is getting the messages

into it. Yeah. You're over. You're gone. I'm gone. I'm gone. It's over. But no one's told you. And you're going to be up there doing the quiz again. One of the messages was the announcement of

one of the messages was the announcement of my quiz. That you weren't entrusted to deliver. The Christmas quiz with Josh will be on December the 6th. Yeah, it got forwarded onto my group by the new class rep. So who is it? Who sent it? He's a lovely bloke.

And so is the woman who runs the parents network. No, no, no. There's no shade here but like what's what's his is he working full-time this guy like yeah yeah he's got a high-powered job and he's still managing to do it and all you're doing is eating a really hot curry in bradford i don't you know sometimes we tell stories on here and we don't want to be unrelated when people to be jealous of our lifestyles and i'd say at the moment nobody's jealous of yours no they're not like yesterday i had the hottest curry in Bradford oh actually reverse that pretty jealous what was it

like it was something else Rob it's brought out it's brought out they have to clear the kitchen when they're cooking it and the one guy who cooks it has to wear a gas mask and you ate it i ate that i ate it right yeah and didn't you have some yeah he finished his he got the certificate and they the little honky little white boy struggled yeah i know i had about two thirds of mine last Last night, I got back to my hotel room. I got back to the hotel and I had to rush back to the hotel room at half eight and I didn't leave. I didn't go back down for dinner because I couldn't be that far away from a toilet. And then I woke up this morning and I spent half an hour on the toilet again.

I'm in a bad way. Because when the filming stops, the thing is, when the filming stops, your body's still got to process that. You can't say to your body, yeah, but I did this for filming, so you can't punish me in my own time. Well, Alexander Armstrong actually consumes,

he doesn't actually go to the toilet. His body just repurposes it. That's how he can work so much. He doesn't actually go to the toilet. His body just repurposes it. That's how he can work so much. He doesn't actually shit or piss. It just gets regenerated within his body. And before you know it, he's giving you a couple of quirky questions about, you know, brands or films. Can't wait for us to talk to Alex Armstrong.

Yeah, exactly. You can't make Josh Willicam eat the world's hottest curry, and if he can't film for two hours, cause he's shitting himself, they have to just, that's, that's the bed they're lying in. So what should I do about my coup Rob? Oh,

I think you just, I think you can basically remain silent and let it pass, or you can make it slightly awkward and go, so am I not the class rep anymore? Or you can try and make a joke out of it. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I thought about making a joke out of it,

but then I thought, Jesus God, there's no way of making that joke without it sounding better. Yeah, but how busy have you got to be? Like busy is in the term of fucking jobs worth. You've got to be to start taking the reins on class rep. Because that's what happened to me, where someone said, oh, who's the class rep? They went, oh, Rob, but really it's Lou.

And yeah, sure, I went to Australia for five weeks, but I've got a phone. I can see what's my fault. So you got the, but your coup was in your own house. Yeah, Lou just basically, they just, everyone just spoke to Lou instead of me. It's a bit like, you know, when builders only speak to the bloke in the house and be a bit sexist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the school, that's what, it is a bit like the school gates when you're a dad. It is a bit like, oh, yeah, you're going to sort that out. Craig, I better just talk to your wife then. And I sort of laugh it off, but I go, actually, no. I would quite like to be involved as well, but I don't care enough to kick off about it, to be honest.

I'm actually actively trying to leave WhatsApp groups. Are you? Yeah, so I'm not really in a WhatsApp group for my youngest daughter's year. I'm in a class group for my eldest daughter's, but the classes have moved around. There's like two classes in a year and they sort of swap the kids about. So I'm actually in a group now with parents whose kids aren't actually in the same class but in the same year.

I'm going to slowly sort of check out of that one. And then the only group I'm in is the school dad's five-a-side football group. Unbelievable. So that's the aim. Absolutely unbelievable. Just to be in that group. Incredible. Incredible.

You've got to respect it. You've got to respect the hustle. I just sort of think if anything that important, they'll ring us. Oh, I found a really good way to, Oh, two things, little tips, parenting tips. One, if they like your sushi, you can get a little train set and you can put bowls of food on the trains. You know, like that little... Oh, that's good.

You can put it on the table. Set that up on your dinner table and then put it on that. Oh, that's good. That's good. And the other thing is tying shoelaces. Have you taught your kids to tie shoelaces yet? No. Is that tough?

Well, I thought it was, but I found there's a thing online, an Instagram. I should try and share it. But it's super simple. But basically, you know at the top of your shoes, you normally got like there's a little spare hole? Yeah. Right at the top.

If you put the shoelace in that hole, so you've got like two loops, you basically cross them, and this is impossible to describe. You cannot describe. I've never known less what you mean in my life. Okay, I'm just going to shut up. It's impossible to do it, but I might do it. I'll tell you what I'll do is I'll do it on Instagram, and I'll tag Parenting Hell with it.

Are you one of the double bunny ears crew, or do you do it. I might, I'll tell you what I'll do is I'll do it on Instagram and I'll, I'll tag parenting. Are you, are you one of the, are you one of the double bunny ears crew or do you do it properly? Well, so what I do is it's, it's a cheat and it's super easy and it's, it's not the way I do my own laces, but it's a quicker, easier way for kids to explain to them.

And actually I might adopt it myself soon. Don't adopt it yourself, Rob. You make little bunny ears. Yeah. Into your shoes. And then cross-pull, cross-pull, and then pop the bunny ears out of the holes. That's what Rose does, I think.

And I look down on her every time she does it. Yeah, I mean, I'd say it's embarrassing for an adult to do it. However, it's a really quick and easy way to show a child. Yeah. I'll stick it on Instagram later. Yeah. Good. Right, small business.

Hi, Rob and Josh. I would be incredibly grateful if you could give my husband's business a shout out. He owns and solely runs Kerr Forge, K-E-R-R-F-O-R-G-E, a blacksmithing experience day business delivered from his workshop in Battlesbridge, Essex. The majority of his courses are a day long, and you leave having handmade a beautiful item. This could be anything from kitchen knives to axes to wedding rings. He even runs the perfect date where couples can come and work together

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forge, F-O-R-G-E dot com. Keep making the nation laugh out loud. It's always much appreciated. From Nicky. Rob and Josh, hi. Thanks for being so sexy and relatable. You've given us many laughs, great ideas and things parents shouldn't do. Slight rug pull at the end.

I just wanted to give a shout out to my mum and dad and Sam and Alan's online furniture business, Present Days, D-A-Z-E, based on the South Coast. Things haven't always been smooth sailing, having to overcome many hurdles, but still able to provide a professional, friendly, first-class online service. So if you're looking for easy-to-assemble, furniture in oak pine walnut and other hardwood along with home decor or gifts to suit all budgets check present days d-a-z-e.co.uk thanks you pair of legends luke no thank you luke thank you everyone we'll be back on friday won't we yeah boy see you then bye politics sport climate change culture wars i'm jack d and i'm sean walsh these are just some of

the things we won't be talking about in our podcast oh my dog not that we we couldn't if we wanted to oh of course of course we could we're both well known for our scathing satire and social commentary, but we've decided to set that aside to talk about our favourite subject. Dogs. What's your voice for her? I go into that persona that I don't know who it is when I go all shrill and like, Rolly!

And it's really needy. She needs some affection. I go, come on, Bev. Come on, get on the bed and thinking, oh, there's something wrong with her. And then when you put your Come on, Bev. Come on, get on the bed and think, oh, there's something wrong with her. And then when you put your glasses on, you've just been shouting at a brown towel on the floor.

You know what I mean? Bev? Bev, are you okay? I cocoa butter my body from top to bottom every morning. I don't know if I'm getting to this. That's good to know. We've got exclusive. I always like to give, give like one exclusive to each podcast

I go on and this is yours join us on our podcast oh my dog subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and follow us on Instagram

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