Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP23: It's weird seeing you in person

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with finn can you say rob beckett and can you say j Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe?

Josh Widdicombe. Well done. Thank you. That might be one of my favourites. That was fucking brilliant. He was really good at it and it was funny. Here's my three and a half year old Finn saying your names. I'm from Middlesbrough, but Finn was born in East London.

Oh, here we go. Yes, we've seen Josh in Victoria Park on many occasions. And Finn now takes the mick out of my northern accent. Thank you for the great pop. Keep it sexy, Michelle. Thank you, Michelle. Thanks, Michelle from Middlesbrough. Yeah.

Down in East London, living the dream. Here we are, Rob. We're closing in on half term, aren't we? Yeah. How's your workload? Because last time we spoke, you were super busy, Benidorm, Bradford.

And then I saw you in the flesh yesterday. You saw me in the flesh. A TV production office. Yeah. It's weird seeing you in person. It is odd, isn't it? Cause we're getting ready to film a panel show together,

aren't we? Yeah. And I saw you was in there going through stuff and yeah, sort of, I don't really know how to interact with people when I see them in real life. If I spend a lot of time in zoom, you're on a chair and i sort of held your face a bit they walk around and awkwardly hugged tom crane and matt crosby but the room was slightly too small to do a normal handshake or a hug and it was it is odd is isn't it because i it's like

i almost i tried to tell you an anecdote and then i was like i can't tell you that yeah we can't speak really unless it's recorded because it's like because if we actually have a catch-up we'll get here and look at each other and go we are fucked yeah we've got nothing um but yeah it comes around quick because we'll talk about this me and lou like getting the kids like like lou's put it in our phones about what they're doing each day like what they need if it's pe kit if they've got clubs what times pick up so we can just look at it. But then once you get it in our head, at our school, everything changes the next term.

So we only get September to December. And then from January, it's totally new clubs and things that they do and pick up times. So it's like I can't really get my head on it. And I'd dropped the kids off today and then came straight here and did this. And, like, I still, even, like, my eldest, who's, like, super happy and chilled and stuff, when they walk into the playground with, like, their massive backpack on and you see them just looking around

to see if they can see any of their mates. Oh, God. I just can't cope. I reckon if I looked for long enough, I'd be sick and cry. But I'd just have to remove myself. And my youngest had been going i told you i tell you my youngest had been getting upset about going in oh god and stuff but she's she's a lot better now but she sort of just goes and hangs out with like the teaching assistant from reception but she's like got reception kids now because she's her old like teacher assistant but i'm sort of not questioning it until someone brings it up she just runs over there and chats to her but um yeah so it's i'm enjoying being in

school half term's coming we've got birthday this weekend it's my daughter's sixth birthday yeah my son is winding up my daughter by he keeps saying it's his own birthday as well i just want to say to her don't rise to this just Just ignore him. He doesn't really understand. You're not going to be able to convince him it's not his birthday. Just let him. Okay, so she does that. She sort of calms down a bit. However, at the party, he keeps going, it's my birthday

to everyone that arrives and starts taking the presents. Well, I'm not going to let him. And then blows out the candles. Yeah, I'm not going to let him blow out. I don't know whether he's got the ability to blow out the candles at the age of two and a half i think he's got the ability but not the skill set he's like he's able but he just can't get his head around the person working out yeah pathetic two-year-olds aren't they how about literally grow up you little fucking rat get up get bigger get your head screwed on and get on with it that's what i say to toddlers not just

your kid no it did feel quite personal, but there we go. In general, if you do. in general. So what's, what's happening for the party? Do you want to talk through the party?

It feels like it's only a birthday party last week. Oh, sorry. Cliche alert. We should do parenting cliches. How the fuck is this a popular podcast? No, we should have parenting cliches. How the fuck is this a popular podcast? No, we should have parenting cliches. It goes so fast.

Anyway, what are you doing? The worst is when someone tells you that your child, oh, they're only two. God, so fast. And so a baby, you're like, it fucking hasn't been, mate. Or you feel like saying, yeah, that's because I don't really like you and I put off meeting up with you, so I do see you every two to three years that's why it feels like it's gone quick but for my actual friends that come down every couple of weeks it is the norm okay um

we're doing london zoo oh that's nice just as a family or she got any friends coming along she's got friends coming i'll be honest with you Rob. The take up was higher than we'd anticipated. Right. Okay. So this is the situation we're in now. My daughter's in year two. So they're too old now for the let's get a hall and play party games. They've got interests and they want to do something.

So for example, she's got another party coming up and there's like six of them invited and they're going to do something. So how many people, so it's you four, two-year-old, your child, and then how many school friends? Well, we're not the cost because it's cost per head of child. Because we're not just going to London Zoo, we're having a little party, they do parties at London Zoo. Right, okay. So how many kids does that accommodate

well uh so of course the take-up's gonna be huge it's a party at a zoo mate i even i'm annoyed i'm not invited rob she they've got we've done the full house her class everyone's coming so you invited the whole class well it's a small class how big is it there's 12 in a class right okay 12 in a class and all 12 are coming right so um okay so there's 12 kids 12s manageable but then plus if it's a party but i thought there's 22 kids overall siblings of people in the class so do you get access entrance to the zoo for that everyone gets entrance to the zoo for that? Everyone gets entrance to the zoo. That's a great party. Is it expensive?

It's more expensive than when it was 10 kids. Right, so that's what you'd planned for? Yes. You were hoping not everyone would come? I wasn't hoping. You've put the words in my mouth there. So is it a drop-off party? No, parents are coming.

Blimey, it's going to be busy, isn't it? And they're getting access to the zoo as well yeah so they get into jesus christ this is carnage josh what do you mean access to the zoo it's a big old zoo no but so you get a zoo entrance so afterwards they can have a day in the zoo yeah although it is at two o'clock so uh that it more or less right okay and they can't get into the zoo before then i I've got no idea. I haven't tried. I haven't checked.

Because I would be like, well, why don't we go to the zoo early, do the zoo, and then go to the party at the end of the day? Well, I think that's what we're going to do with my daughter because I think she'll be

so chomping at the bit to get to the zoo that we might as well go early. All right, so you've got 22 kids going to run the zoo for a party. I think it's going to be fun. Yeah, I think the kids will love it. We get an owl.

We get an owl. It's coming love it. We get an owl. It's coming to visit. You get an owl. Okay, an owl visit. That's good. And also they get to make up the feed for one of the animals. They can decide what they feed them and then go and feed the animals. So, all 22 of them?

Presume so. Don't know. That seems like too many kids. For me, I thought he was going to say you were going to london zoo for the day and she'd picked four friends bob yeah i thought it was going to be 10 to 15 so there's 20 24 including you and rose and then i imagine there'll be what 20 adults on top of that so it's gonna be about 50 people there jesus works and are they siblings are they allowed to bring siblings? Because most,

because I, some of them are bringing siblings. They're in the count. They're in the count. Oh, and that brings it up to the 22? Yeah,

because, right, okay, so at least you, because my daughter wanted the siblings there because she knows the siblings of her friends.

Yeah, okay, and then you say, yeah, but we're at London Zoo, there's already fucking 15 people coming, love,

wind your fucking neck in, no siblings, no, I'm joking. You've attacked both my children in the first 10 minutes. Well, no, that's what, because if you do a party, I hate kids' parties. I hate it so much. Yeah, well, I love it.

I'm really excited. I can see it does something to you, Rob. Well, it's just so many people and so many kids. And then they go, oh, can I bring siblings? But in our school, there's like so many people and so many kids. And then they go, can I bring siblings and not? But in our school, there's like two sides of the year. So there's like 45 kids in general. But some people do both sides of the year parties.

Oh, you can't do that. And then if siblings come, and it turns out it's about 80 people there. So what we do is just one class. But now my daughter's getting older. She, and I think from year two, you can just do like, we go,

so we're taking her to go and see a theater show. Yeah. And she's picking some mates and we're going to go and see a theater show, get a bit of food, come back and then they're going to have a sleepover. Yeah. Nice. Really nice.

That's the plan. So that's, that's what I was saying. I thought you might be at the stage, but she's a bit younger. So they're still doing the class. But she really wanted the whole class. Fair enough.

And their siblings. And an animal-themed party. Yeah, so you've got an owl, you've got siblings. So there'll be about 50 of you in a hall with an owl. I haven't even thought about that. I think it's a great idea. Oh, my God, I'm suddenly stressed. So do you reckon, so if they turn up to London Zoo and go,

hi, I'm here for a kids party at 2 o'clock Can we come in now? Would they say yes? I don't know, Rob, I haven't looked into it But that'd be nice though And they do a cake and stuff I haven't looked into it, Rob, please Imagine walking around London Zoo with a cake Rob, I haven't looked into any of the details

It was like you holding a cake Looking at a tiger going, do you reckon I can put this in the room yet? I did a gig At London Zoo And died on my arse, it was like you holding a cake looking at a tiger going do you reckon I can put this in the room yet or I did a gig I did a gig at London Zoo and died on my arse it was really hard yeah tough

tough gig even the hyenas weren't laughing alright have they got hyenas don't know find out you'll find out

um oh that'd be fun yeah so I wasn't stressed about that but now I am yeah well no I just thought you

were taking a few kids, not the whole class and siblings and parents. Yeah, yeah. Well, the parents look after the kids, right? No, not in year one, if we just drop and go. But if it's London Zoo, you'd go, oh, why don't we go? If we get free entrance, let's get there early. Oh, no, no, it's not drop and go.

It's not drop and go. I love a drop and go. The culture at our school isn't drop and go. Isn't it? Not so far. I don't like this culture you don't like you don't like the social if i was a football manager i'd come in and change the culture in the club drop and go boom laters bang out i love a drop and go stay and talk maybe not Maybe not. Stay and chat. Did I tell you this?

I got approached by the Today programme. You were at the Today programme? Radio 4's breakfast show? Absolutely not, no. Told me through it. What happens? Didn't think you would. Never listened to Radio 4 in my life, I don't think.

No, I don't really listen to radio. I didn't know it went up that high. Oh, it goes five. It's five, isn't it? Sit no six. Yeah, you must have listened to five live. A little bit of fiveive when a football team... Five Alive!

Five Alive! A little bit of Five when there's a football result I want to hear more about. Go on. What did today want? The Today programme contacted me. Right. Yeah, I don't know how they got their number. Didn't go through my agent.

I'm just saying. Just a text message? No. A call from an unknown number when I was on holiday. Picked it up. This is in Whitstable. Hi, this is the Today programme. We're here to talk about the allegations.

Yeah, I shut myself. Would you like to come on and comment about an airline that's doing children only and children non-only sections, like smoking and not smoking. And they rung you to see if you would want to go on there for what I imagine for free. Yeah. To talk about that.

Yeah. What did you say? I said I was on holiday. You're so polite. I'd go, what do you think? What do you think would you like to come around and clear out my gutters the guttering's a bit blocked up with leaves would you like to come around and do that no i wouldn't like to do that actually um what's your view on it though i kids crying on a plane this is quite a good topic for us isn't it yeah but i don't mind kids crying on a plane no just

also basically about my own if you're not traveling with headphones or headphones that like can block out a bit of noise or whatever then you're doing doing travel wrong. Because I find adults more annoying than the kids. And I think if a kid's crying, I'm just so happy it's not mine. Yeah, me too. I just don't care. It actually puts, if anything, a spring in my step. Yeah, because I'm like, imagine how awful that would be if I had that in front of my face and the people moaning.

Yeah, there you go. I did need to do one other update. Oh, go on our cat the vets that have emailed in saying we need to get our cat to the vet yeah rose has said i overstated the problem right okay yeah because someone messaged and said that you can't leave it a couple of weeks if a cat looks what was it what was the word it's just the breathing is the same apparently the breathing's the same okay so don't worry about the cat but thank you for your concern thank you everyone for your concern really much appreciated

do you actually appreciate someone sticking their fucking noses into your cat's hell have you not heard about I won't name who it was but um the comedian who wore shorts on stage yeah yeah I've done that what's wrong with that let me finish the anecdote The comedian who wore shorts on stage. Yeah, yeah, I've done that. What's wrong with that?

Let me finish the anecdote. Someone contacted his agent and said, I'm a dermatologist, he's got to get that mole checked out on his leg. Really? And it was cancerous and he had to have it removed. Right, that's me. I'm going to go on in speedos now, get a quick check. Where's this gig?

Who books it? I'm just performing speedos get them to fill your balls check the lungs when you walk on that's my finisher i fill my balls off i go oh really and it was okay that's good isn't it and they're fine now oh good um so yeah i've performed have you ever performed in shorts? No, I just don't think I've got the legs for it. I get so hot. Do you? I tell you what's annoying me, Josh, at the moment, I can't turn off the, on the car radio, the traffic announcer.

Oh, that does my head in. When it just cuts in. Yeah. And you're like getting into something and then it's like, I'm 24. Oh, my God. Yeah. Shut up. How do you turn that off? There's a thing, and then it's like, I am, I am, I am. I'm 24. I am, I am. Yeah. Shut up.

How do you turn that off? There's a thing, I think it's TA on something, but they're so complicated cars now, I don't understand it. My car is like a button car, you know? Have you got the button on your car that turns it on and off? Or is it a key in the ignition?

Yes, it is a button car, yeah, yeah. I just don't ever know when it's on or off. I've not got an electric one. Because it it's so quiet so quiet it's not so quiet it's silent yeah there is no noise i just never know and then i get out and sometimes it rolls off and i jump back in and i go because it hasn't even got a proper like um the uh the the handbrake's a button yeah it should be called a button break but then that sounds like you shouldn't be pressing a buttonke's a button. Yeah, of course. It should be called a button brake. But then that sounds like you shouldn't be pressing a button. I want a button brake.

That's brought back a memory that I'd completely forgotten when I was a kid. Not a kid, because I was driving, but I was a sixth form or something of that age. And I was parked up in a car park and went and i was feeding the money into the thing and i turned around and the car was just rolling across the car park oh backwards and i i was one of the most heroic things i did i ran across opened the door dived across and pulled on the handbrake oh that's exciting it was so so thrilling. It was thrilling. Did you jump through the window? No, I opened the door.

Oh, I'd love to see it. Oh, yeah. I jumped through the window. Yeah. Back window. Straight. And pulled it up like Idris Elba in an action film. Exactly.

Yeah, exactly. Josh, I was going to tell you about something. I took the kids to McDonald's after school, right? Yeah. And I tell you what, 4.30 p.m. in a southeast under McDonald's is the kids in there, the teenagers coming back from school. It's carnage, mate. There was drugs being passed around.

What? I don't know if it was like a big vape, but it looked like an aerosol. It looked like they were sucking on an aerosol i don't know how that works that solvent abuse but it looked like they were sucking on an aerosol and the other one was like well i'll go and roll it in the toilet and i was like rolling it and they were just so horrible and then like they're only about like four years old and my kids i was like this is horrible oh you're so horrible how did your kids react they were just like well these guys do it like they sort of were a bit like they could sense that these kids and he was like it was this little kid you know when little kids are like got no pubes but they're about 13 and he was like and an earring in he

was laying back like he thought i'm not normally aware of whether kids got pubes or not you can tell from the face you know when they've still got a baby face but they're acting like they're grown up like he's not even pubed up yeah that's why he's putting the attitude on fake it till you make it he's probably drawing them on with a sharpie anyway he was sort of like leaning back with like an earring and go give me it man give me under the table under but he was shouting give it to me under the table but it's aerosol louder than if he just passed it to him over the table so i i mean i couldn't i clocked everything they were doing and stuff like that and then um there were other kids like i swear that like are that, are you from that TV and that?

And I was like, yep, yep, from TV and them kids. And my daughter just hitting them up flurry, pissing herself laughing. What are you going to do if your daughters become edgy? Well, ultimately, I hope my children don't, you know, take drugs at McDonald's. That would be my, I think that would be an aspiration. I think an achievable one. Do you know what?

It's not a bad title for the episode. No, but I was just sort of like, what is... Why is that happening? And then I remembered, like, well, so there was kids... I wasn't like that at my school. I was sort of well behaved when I was a teenager, but there was that kind of stuff going on. Once, though, I was involved in the theft of red wine. Did I ever tell you about this? Were you? I was with a group of kids as I was a teenager, but there was that kind of stuff going on. Once, though, I was involved in the theft of red wine.

Did I ever tell you about this? Were you? I was with a group of kids as we were leaving school, and one of them stole a bottle of red wine from like, it was like being brought out for a PTA event kind of thing. And he grabbed a bottle, and then we like drunk it in the woods at my home, like a sip to feel like crazy and edgy. And then we got spotted by teachers doing

it and got put on report and i had to tell my mom and it was awful and i was on report for a week and stuff i was very much like the accessory to the crime but i did swig swig on the old vino but um but i was normally the naughty kids i found were the ones that were like there was no one at home whether the parents were working or they didn't really give a shit or it was a weird combination where they're like, well, I can just go home at four o'clock and be indoors,

but it's more fun to mess around with my mates in McDonald's taking an hour and a half to eat some chips. Cause otherwise I'm just letting myself into a boring, empty house. Do you know what I mean? So it was like, just like, well,

do I do? Did not go work anymore now. I'm just like pick them up from school and lock them up until they're 21 i just thought this is awful and the way one of them was talking to his teenage girl so sort of like you know like teenage boys can like try and show off and they're actually quite rude and they're like it's that negging kind of thing like that and i just felt like if i'd walked in there by chance and my daughter was in there and he was talking to my daughter like that i'd think i'd attack him and be pulled off and go to prison that can't be how i go out like i've got i've got but hopefully my daughter won't be in that situation but if she is i think that's how you know now you know she needs to avoid mcdonald's i don't think it was

mcdonald's i just it well it's just parks i see in the parks. I see them hanging around shopping centres. Do you know what, Rob? I think you live in the wrong place. You need to move into Zone 2. Oh, yeah. Well, no, no. I'd rather them. So this is the difference, right?

Don't whine or cry my gears. I would rather live in the countryside, and she does a little bit of aerosol, than be drug-running heroin and doing county lines like your kids. But, yeah, I was just like, those teenage years at school, they are so crucial. Have I ever told you about when I stole a lemon drizzle cake? Yeah.

God, that is the most Joshua Dickham theft of all time. When did you steal a lemon drizzle? I was 22, Rob. Why are you doing that at 22? It was just, it was a rush of blood there. And I was in the US of A. Right. What was you doing over there at 22?

I could have been deported. Was this a family holiday or did you save that? No, I'd gone away with my mates after I did uni and then I did a year at Waterstones and then I went away to America for six weeks before moving to London. Okay. And then I was in Boston in a 7-Eleven,

absolutely hammered with my friend. And we were getting food. Because they don't have the same drinking culture they don't really have the takeaways at 1am yeah yeah it's not like the kebab or the chicken shop yeah so so we ended up going into the 7-eleven to microwave those pizza like those french bread pizzas yeah you know when you buy something that do you does that still happen that people buy stuff and then microwave it in the thing i'd have that be or if i work there i'll just say the microwave's broke and unplug it imagine being stood there and josh williams comes in shit face putting on a margarita

french stick for 25 minutes because he's done how to work it burning up so we bought the we we were stood by the microwave and you had to put your stuff down next to it and then put the thing in the microwave. And we put our box on top of the lemon drizzle cake. Yeah. And we were like, let's just pick up the lemon drizzle cake as well.

You got away with it. I've never felt so... I shouldn't say this, Rob. Go on, say it. I've never felt so I shouldn't say this Rob go on say it I've never felt so alive did it sort of open up something inside of you where you wanted to do it more

my worry now is I know that your Cara Delevingne story ended up in the Daily Mail and I'm slightly worried Widdicombe I've never felt so alive after thievery

of lemon drizzle cake I think that's a great headline okay but you didn't do it again Widdicombe, I've never felt so alive after thievery of lemon drizzle cake. I think that's a great headline. Okay. But you didn't do it again after that. Shall I put some more quotes that they could pop in the story? Yeah, go on. I think about it every day and think, shall I do it again? And is it just lemon drizzle or is it anything you get the buzz from?

Any cake, any baked good. You were drunk and you regret it i don't think you regret it i think it's one of your calling cards so drunk i'm proud of it i don't think there are two lemon drizzle cake in america i thought he was gonna say he nicked it from a bakery and like tontitonton whoever it is where you live near chif chaf chuf chuf hate to avail hate to vow um right should we do some correspondence yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah let's find out what we got right phonetics kids saying things wrong high sexy relatables love love love the

podcast on the subject of children mispronouncing things, my then three-year-old daughter was in the very early stages of learning to read, so I'd been trying to encourage her with phonetics. She was sat with her dad looking through 100 things from the garden book and came to Centipede. My other half read it out, and she looked up at him and said, that's not an S, Daddy, it's a C. It says Cuntapede yeah we couldn't help but laugh

and after a moment of looking offended she proceeded to dance around the lounge singing cuntapede cuntapede maybe that's your mistake when you laugh isn't it yeah that's the problem maybe flex isn't the future after all carry on being super sexy relatable charlotte from marriott where's marriott yes um where is marriott i've told you what my uh i'll have a look my daughters meditate have i told you about this no she sort of sits and breathes which is really good and i try that we try and do um family meditation as well like to calm down before bed yeah yeah kind of stuff and it's it does sort of work and they sort of like take the mickey and laugh or whatever but they are slowly sort of getting it and she does a bit of like humma and just does these like random words and then i'm like oh i'm like well is this an actual thing she's been taught because it sounds

legit like it could be some sort of chanting that they may do at school. I think they've done yoga in PE or whatever. I was like, oh, that's weird. And then she sort of, as she's doing it, I can sort of see her half smile. She's like, come humma, it's a mumma here. And then she goes, pissy bumma, pissy butt. And then she starts swearing under the guise of meditating. It's so funny.

I was like, blimey, she's really got into this. This is great. pissy butt and then just start swearing under the guise of meditating it's so funny because i was like blimey she's really got into this this is great and she's going pissy bum bum pissy pissy bum bum oh crack me up when you see they're being a bit cheeky what they're trying to work it out but um yeah i'm gonna go in on this, Rob, because it's been sitting in our dock for a long time. Yeah, go on. But it's titled, Epic and Extended but Long Parenting Fail.

Okay, here we go. Hi, Josh and Rob. My name is Warwick and I live just outside of Canberra in Australia. When my daughter was almost two, I would drop my wife off to work on a Saturday morning and often would drive around for a while instead of heading straight home because it meant my daughter would

usually fall asleep for a nap one morning in winter it was still quite cold maybe two or three degrees there's a mountain about a 20 minute drive which sometimes gets snow so i thought by the time i got up there it may have been cold enough to be snowing i used to live in brisbane and still find snow quite a novelty so it seemed like a good way to spend some time we got up the top sorry so he thinks it's gonna snow so he's driving up a mountain yeah okay we got up the top without incident yeah i'd say that's the setup for something yep no incidents sadly it wasn't quite cold enough for snow but it was drizzling a bit so we turned back and headed down the mountain again i see here where things took a turn it was a bit of a windy road my daughter must have gotten a bit of motion sickness and threw up everywhere in the back seat along the way.

I pulled over and got her out of the car, found spare clothes in the baby bag, did my best cleaning her up and the car seat up with the baby wipes. When this was done, we strapped back in and off we went, except we didn't. The car wouldn't start no matter how many times I tried. Nothing. I pulled out my phone to call roadside assistance,

and of course, there was no signal on the remote mountain road. Also, Australia, it's not like Snowdon in the UK, where there's always someone, there's no one. In certain bits of Australia, there's just fuck all. It took a moment to think and determined that the only thing to do was walk along the road, hoping to either find signal or maybe someone's home I could ask for help. No, it is mostly forest, so this was unlikely. Fucking hell.

It was still cold, at least by Aussie standards. I think it was four degrees by now and drizzling. With no idea when or where I might find signal i couldn't leave my door in the pram in the car no too right yeah i got the pram out put the hood over and tucked her in as best i could started jogging along the road in the cold rain after about five minutes the first car we've seen pulled over to see what was up i explained asked if they had jumper cables jump leads i suppose in the uk to jump start the battery, but they didn't. They were headed up to the very modest tobogganing field,

which was up the top of the mountain. I gave them my details and customer number for the roadside assistance company. They headed up to the top and agreed to kindly make a call for me. Surely just toboggan down. Yeah. Getting the toboggan, mate. Exactly.

I headed back to the car and we tried to keep warm. My wife was pregnant at the time with our second kid and was experiencing morning sickness. She had some lifesavers, a lolly that she had heard was supposed to help in the car door on her side. To help keep my daughter happy, I gave one of those for her to suck on while we waited. After roughly 45 minutes, someone drove down

and pulled up next to us. They were a staff member of the tobogganing field. Apparently, the other people had not gotten my details quite right, and unbeknownst to me, our roadside assistants had said they weren't coming to help. Thankfully, the staff member had heard the story, and against staff policy, had decided to drive down with some jump cables to get us moving again. Finally back up and running, and after many thanks, we could continue our journey home. For the next 10 to 15 minutes, i drove i thought to myself what a miserable experience it had been

but at least it was over now suddenly the lolly my daughter had been sucking on but i'd forgotten about during all the stress became lodged in her throat and she started choking oh my god josh i don't know if i think i've ever pulled a car over faster in my life reached over into the back of the car literally had to stick my fingers down her throat and dislodge the lolly which i don't know if I think I've ever pulled a car over faster in my life, reached over into the back of the car, literally had to stick my fingers down her throat and dislodge the lolly. Which I don't think is what they tell you to do. Is it not? Because I think you can sometimes, if you do that, push it down further,

but we don't know, actually find out the medical advice. Yeah, find out. Because we don't know what you do with a choking child, but he did what he thought was right and he got it out. Thankfully, this was the last excitement for the morning and we got home without any more drama. Bloody hell, I'm still slightly scarred. When we've gone back up to see the snow again, I also now travel with jump cables.

Keep up the good work, Warwick. Warwick. Bloody hell, Warwick. I found weaning the worst part of having kids when like, the choking on stuff and I had a couple of experiences my kid choking and it is awful because it's horrendous but absolutely moral of the story is don't go up a mountain when it's snowing yeah don't go up a mountain snow yeah canberra we've

been to canberra um there's not much going on it's like it was built for um like their capital city to have all their buildings washington dc yeah so it's sort of it on. It's like it was built for like their capital city to have all their buildings. A bit like Washington, D.C. Yeah. So it's weird. It's sort of designed for cars and not walking. Well, yeah, as he found out. So if you get stuck anywhere, you're in trouble.

Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Do you want some harmless parenting revenge, Rob? Yes. And then I've got some hacks for you. Okay. Tips. Hi, Rob, Josh, and Sexy Michael.

I did something bad recently and it got me thinking There must be similar scenarios Other parents have experienced So wanted to share it with you Perhaps it could turn into a regular topic on the podcast Alright we'll fucking wind your neck back in Fucking hell Not the first bad thing you've done

Lizzie this is on Leon C Recently I had one of those days with my kids where my patience was at its limit and i'd like to think i'm a good parent where i don't shout or lose my temper patient and try to understand their misbehaviors if they're playing up i attempt to tackle anything that occurs with a calm and kind attitude however on this particular afternoon my five-year-old daughter was giving me a level of patronizing backchat that went on for a touch too long. She began rudely demanding some yoghurt from the large, unopened pot I was holding. Knowing exactly what would happen, I tugged at the four lid with the pot facing her.

And as expected, the yoghurt spurted out and landed splat in her face. Oh, that's horrible. And as expected, the yoghurt spurted out and landed splat in her face. Oh, that's horrible. Immediately, I felt guilty, apologised profusely and lied about not knowing that it would happen whilst I wiped the yoghurt from her eyes. Am I alone in this tiny, petty, but ultimately harmless act of parenting revenge?

Or have other parents done minor things knowing it would give them a tiny burst of satisfaction and also halt the child's naughtiness in its tracks without causing them any real harm or distress. Love the podcast, Lily from Leon C. Really enjoyed the panicked caveats at the end. Yeah. Obviously, absolutely fine.

I know we impact Watson Weather on the child. I think what Lizzie's done, is it Lizzie or Izzy? Yeah, Lizzie, sorry. What Lizzie's done there is she's tried to repackage the boomer parenting from the other point of view. That, my friend, is a boomer story yet to be written by a child who will write that when they're about 20.

Well, if you've got any where you are the boomer, please let us know. Let us know when you've been the boomer, essentially. When have you been the boomer? Because we've all lost our cool. We've all lost the boomer? Because we've all lost our call. We've all lost our call. Yes, we've all lost our call. But mine just ignore me when it comes to brushing their teeth. They just will not brush their teeth at the moment, Josh.

I don't know what to do. They just don't do it. And they're just... Oh, yeah, that is... I don't know. But then should I be brushing their teeth? Do you brush your daughter's teeth or does she do it on her own? She does it herself.

Sorry. I've had so little. What are you doing tonight? Nothing. I want to watch the Jill Dando documentary, but Rose doesn't think it'll be too bleak. Well, do you know what annoys me about that? Netflix popped up, right, and it was a screen where you choose who it is,

you know, like, me, Lou, or the kids. He's got profiles, hasn't he? Right, so we're about to, about it comes up and at that point it's anyone could be watching it right massive i'm about to go on to my kids one so they call it massive advert who killed jill dando immediately who's jill dando right i'm not getting into that now as i answer a question that's incredibly difficult to explain to a seven-year-old exactly and that you don't i don't think who killed jill dando and a picture of Jill Dando needs to be on the adverts. The adverts need to be PG adverts, don't they,

until you go into the adult section. Not the adult section. Do Netflix have an adult section? I don't think Netflix do pornography, do they? Well, I think if they did do an hour and a half of pornography film, I don't think they'll need that. Still watching. No one's watching back-to-back 90-minute pornos.

Oh, I just dropped the plug. Right, hit me with your tips. Label hack. Hi, Rob and Josh. The little sticky labels that you can buy to name clothes with. I've ordered some that have both my husband's and my mobile numbers on. I've stuck these in every pair of shoes that the kids own. We've taught the boys,

if they were to ever get separated from us, to find a mummy with children or someone who works wherever they are lost and get them to ring the numbers in their shoes. That is good and clever. That is good, isn't it? We hoped we'd never need to actually test this out, but a few months after getting the stickers,

a turn of events while my husband was taking our youngest to his swimming lessons managed to get separated from our eldest. He was dealing with an enormous shit that the youngest had done and that had made it to the toilet in time whilst running around the changing room. Anyway, after my husband's frantic few minutes running around, he couldn't find our eldest. Our five-year-old was already at reception desk of the legislature holding up the numbers in his shoe to the very confused

receptionist who was already ringing my number all reunited safely within a couple of minutes for the cost of a few quid or some of those super sticky clothes labels was well worth it hopefully we'll never need to use it again but at least we know it's there thanks jenny or maybe you could put the grandparents number in there and then they could look after them for the afternoon once they've been lost exactly perfect or you could just put a number of someone that you you know that you don't like but would feel they had to do it yeah but that is good idea isn't it that is scary isn't it i mean it happens quite often doesn't it that moment when you go where the fuck are they oh i had that when i took my niece and nephew to harrods like to walk around harrods and look at harrods when they were like probably like

10 and 8 and i turned around there wasn't one of one one had gone oh god and it was so busy and it was like and i was only young so they're young. So I was probably like 25 or something. Oh, my God. Because you have that thing where the whole scenario plays out in your head. Yeah. And I know it's awful. But the other day when I was picking the girls up from school, I had one of the girls.

We were bringing a girl home for a play date with my youngest. And they were playing. And I had to go and get the eldest from another door because she was coming out a different door for some reason so I said hey you two come with me and we'll make it look like Lou's lost you so I went off and got and I came back and Lou also as well losing your own kids bad but losing someone else's on top of that oh my god the absolute worst um but actually I did that and then afterwards I thought that But actually, I did that. And then afterwards, I thought, that was quite bad. I regret that. That's a bit unfair on Liz.

It seems like you're the one doing the boom of parenting, Rob. Exactly. Me and Lizzie are a little act of revenge. But that was on an adult, not a child. Yeah, exactly. Funny thing that a kid's brought into school. Hi, Rob and Josh. I recently listened to a story on your podcast,

and it reminded me of something that happened to my friend. Her son was seven at the time. He was in a class with a little boy who wore a hearing aid. The teacher explained to the class why the little boy needed the hearing aid, and it must have struck a chord with my friend's son, because the next day he turned up with something rubbery wrapped around his ear. He said he didn't want the little boy to feel like he was different.

So he found something similar at home to wear in solidarity. Sweet and harm-worn, right? Except the thing he found at home was a cock ring. He'd obviously seen it in my friend's drawer, remembered it when thinking of something he could wear on his ear the teacher had to oh my god that is this he had to take it off him and give it back to my friend at the end of the day oh my god must have felt embarrassed thanks for really loving binging on the podcast anonymous understandably let's let's break this down yeah you're at the school gates yeah right

you you're off thinking i haven't seen my cock ring for a bit but it's not really it's not really at the forefront of your mind but like you said well yeah i don't know where that's got to anyway um teacher comes up how are you delivering that news as a teacher email first i don't think you're referencing what it is. So the whole conversation is going on without mention of what the item is. So you'd have to take it off the child. Okay. So as a teacher,

you'd have to go, Oh, can I have that please? Oh, but it's a hearing aid. I want to be like my friend. I went, yeah,

I know, but it's a bit dangerous because it isn't actually designed for you. It's designed for your cock. I'll have to take it on your dad's dick. Right. So you need to take off the child, but you don a bit dangerous because it isn't actually designed for you. It's designed for your cock. That's been on your dad's dick. Right, so you need to take it off the child, but you don't want to touch it. Because I don't know how often you wash your cock rings, but I'm not a twice a day guy. I'm going to be clear on this.

I don't really know what a cock ring looks like. I'm sure you can get, I'm sure you can have a guess, can't you? I know, but where I'd see it out of context on a child's ear, I don't think I'd immediately go, that's a cock ring. Or when you saw it in context on a child's ear. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I think I would, no. Would you go, that's definitely a cock ring from the off?

Probably not immediately because I wouldn't expect to see one on a child's ear, but as soon as I went, oh, give us that, and I've got it in my hand, I'm like, that is a cock ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like a cock ring is sort of just like, it almost looks like a Haribo ring, but bigger. Yeah, yeah. Obviously.

And then at the top of it, there's a little part that sort of vibrates. Right, okay. So then that would either vibrate on your balls or it would vibrate on the clitoris. Okay. Okay. Have you never used a cock ring before, Josh? I've never used

a cock ring before. I tell you what, I tell you what, do you know what I was going to buy for you the other day? I thought it would be funny. Don't buy me a cock ring.

No, but I was going to buy you a rose. You know, is it love honey? You know, the like an Ann Summers, but they do like sex toys. I was going to get you a love honey advent calendar.

Don't. Please don't. So basically each day you get something to spice up your love life, Josh. Well, my love life's spicy enough. Is it? It's as spicy as yours. Well, no. How do you know?

I don't know. I just presumed. Well, I'm just saying saying it can always be spicier that's the thing with spice can't it yeah yeah yeah there's no limits you know but yeah so

as a teacher for me I'm taking the cock ring and I'm popping it in a little envelope yeah sealing it writing on it

cock ring Mrs. Mr. Widdicombe I'm writing on that if it's your cock ring and your child that had it on their ear

Mr. and Mrs. Widdicombe Mr. and Mrs. Willicam. Mr. and Mrs. Willicam et al. Yeah. Dear parents, and I'd have to do an email going, hi, your daughter came into school today. She had a sort of weird ring thing on her ear,

pretending it was a hearing aid, and it kept on falling off. So I've popped it in an envelope and put it in a bag yeah i think that's you you don't want to be walking through like that yes enjoy your evening have a great evening um but yeah so i don't know yeah well maybe you might get someone might send you a cock ring now i don't want them to please send josh a cock ring if anyone makes a fizzy water tap thank you very much you're gonna get a fizzy water tap well we're getting the kitchen done next year oh yeah of course have you got your kettle yet no i haven't got around to it i've been away i to use my kettle now i have to use my phone as a counterweight on the button to hold the button down to pull the cowl. Yeah.

Is that dangerous? I don't know how. But it might be. Yeah, it might be. Right. Should we do a small business shout out? Small business shout out. Okay.

Here we go. Right. Hello. I'm hoping my business Seven Oaks baby massage can be included on your small business shout out i'm taking the plunge and relaunching my i a i am accredited baby massage classes being a mom of three young children i know the value that connecting with other new parents can bring to those tough early days and learning the skill of baby massage can massively benefit both parent and baby in so many ways. All my info can be found at www.7oaksbabymassage.com at 7oaksbabymassage on Instagram and Facebook. Thank you so much for your time. Your podcasts have been a real lifeline for me and I absolutely love them.

Lorraine Ridley, there you go. Pop down to 7oaks and massage your babies. Absolutely love the show and I've recommended you to all my friends and family with children who now share my love for the podcast. We also came to watch you in Cardiff in April. Could you please give my small business a shout out? I set up the CV lab as a side hustle and now run the business alongside parenting, my two and four year old children.

I write professional CVs and cover letters as well as support people with career and interview coaching. I've seen thousands of CVs and with some expert tips and tricks, it's amazing what a difference can make in landing your dream job. I'd love to offer your listeners 15% off with the code PARENTINGHELL. Website www.theCVlab.co.uk. Thanks so much. Emily, very useful, that one.

Good stuff. There we go. Thanks, Emily. Josh, I'll see you Friday. For Jess jess ennis hill dame jessica ennis dame jess ennis hill we've just done it and she's absolutely amazing and she's brilliant um so enjoy we'll see you uh friday and then back next tuesday as ever bye see you later guys bye