Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP27: Snuggle Calls and Wideboys

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting each week we'll

be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with landy lou can you say Rob Beckett? Beckett.

Say it again, Rob. Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Woodicombe? Josh Woodicombe. Very nice, Landy. Not again. Not again? No.

Oh, right, let's address a couple of things. Yeah, go on. Landy Lou. Landy Lou. You know, we all know what we're addressing here. Yeah, we all address a couple of things. Yeah. Go on. Address away. Landy Lou. Landy Lou. You know, we all know what we're addressing here. Yeah, we all know what we're addressing. Landy.

So the child's not called Landy Lou. Thank God for that. I thought it was a Teletubby. So Landy Lou's like their play name for the child. Their play name? Like, you know, you don't like Lou calls you... Bob or Bobbles. Just call you Bobbles.

Big Dick. Right, yeah. Big Dick, yeah. Strongshaft, yeah. Strongshaft. Yeah. I'm sorry, yeah, yeah. Bobby. Yeah, Bobbs.

Yeah. What does Rose call you? What's your play name? Oh, God, no. I don't want to get involved in it. Come on. Joshy. No, it's not Joshy, actually.

We've got... Widders. We've got one. Rose will kill me for saying it, but... It's all right. It's fine. It's Putnam. Putnam?

Yeah, because I thought she once called me Putnam by mistake. Right, okay. I said, did you call me Putnam? I can imagine that. Putnam? Yeah. Did you call me Putnam? And now it's...

Did you call me Putnam? Yeah. Okay. So it's your Putnam. So when would she say Putnam? Like... When there was no one else there. Right.

But like in a, in a, just like a playful, like if you're like not well, she'd go, oh, my little Putnam, not well. Or is it... No, have you seen how she... Putnam. You're not aware how she reacts on a meal, Rob. I can tell you for free that's never happened. Putnam passed me the milk would it be a bit more

do you know what sometimes it's abbreviated to putts putts putts it wouldn't be like there's not much of oh my little Putnam's ill

I can tell you that for free it's more just putts can you pass the milk yeah more like putts and it goes both ways I'd call her Putnam as well I think right even though you never got that but Yeah, more like Putts. And it goes both ways. I'd call her Puttnam as well, I think.

Right, even though you never got that, but it's just the Puttnams that, right. Everyone's got those little names. I was in a work environment once and we all got drunk and was going round the different people who had different names and everyone was giving their silly names. So it's Puttnam or I call Lou Weezy the Weasel

and she called me Bobbles and stuff. So everyone's got little things. And it got to one person round the table and he went, no. Pardon? No, there isn't. Just my name. Just my name. Fair enough.

Efficient. Yeah. Stop me if I've told you this before. When I was at university, my friend texted me instead of texting his girlfriend have I said this before Michael I don't know I don't think I've heard it I can still remember it word for word she'd gone into town and he'd

obviously tried to call her and she hadn't picked up and then he texted me by mistake downstairs in our shed house and it said just wanted to give you a snuggle call. I couldn't be friends with him. It gets worse.

And then it said, I hope you're having a snunky time. Snunky. And then it finished with, Munker loves monkey. Munker loves monkey. Oh my God, people are disgusting, aren't they? I'd rather see them fucking in my bed than read that. I'd have more respect. I'd shut the door.

I'd go, clean the sheets, have a good time. When one of my mates, when he first got a girlfriend, he was, like, well into it. Like everyone is. You sort of properly go for it. But he was, like... You can't believe it, can you? When he first got a girlfriend. He was, into it like everyone is you sort of properly go for it but he was like you can't believe it can you and you first you're just like this is this person that's fit like let's be like be near them and we go out and we kiss and stuff anyway he was like you know some people are big spoon little spoon but sometimes as a bloke you sort of keep the

little spoon stuff you keep on the low down yeah you got street cred you know i mean but he would literally like fold up in her lap like in weatherspoons like cuddling into we used to call him flat pack because he used to just sort of fold up into a lap oh my god mate um anyway what's landy loo's story uh so the child's called still still a rare name i've not heard lando l-a-n-d-o. Oh, I've heard Lando before. Lando Norris is a racing driver. It's a posh name. Right.

This is Lando, or Landy Lou, who is almost three saying your names. As you can hear from the clip, I had to ask her twice. She was quiet the first time, and then she said not again. Avid listener of the pod and everything you both do, my husband has said a few times, if it's not Rob, Rom or Josh, you're just not interested, are you? Lando, almost three, in brackets female, from Dunbridge, Wales, Kent. Thank you for doing what you do.

You don't know how much you've helped me the last year when times have been tough. Oh, that's nice. Well, I think Lando, I've only ever known it as a boy's name. However, what was concerning me about Landy Lou was if she calls her kid Landy lou she'll end up saying landy lou when they're older because i've seen like 17 year old boys like who've come up to me for a photo and or like just in the shops and they'll be like oh no and you know they're a bit

awkward but they're like got half a beard but not and they're like a bloke but they're not but they're still out with their mum and then when you hear them say like um andy come on it's his name's andrew's like like, come on, Andy Pandy. And he just goes, fuck off, mum. Mum, just fuck off. Just call me Andrew, mum. Fuck off. I'm not Andy Pandy anymore, mum.

So Landy Lou for a boy, but Landy Lou for a girl is quite, I like that. But you haven't heard of Lando for a girl. I think it's Italian, isn't it? It might be. I don't know. I don't know. Short for Orlando. You know, in terms of kids' nicknames, do you remember Michael Jackson had a kid called Blanket?

Was that their nickname or their actual name? Do you remember that? I can't imagine he's up on his admin. If you're Michael Jackson, do you take your kid to the council to register? Blanket was actually his nickname. His real name was Prince Michael Jackson II. Okay, so...

Of course. Of course. Of course, Michael. Yes, Prince Michael Jackson II. Of course. Of course, of course, Michael, yes. Prince Michael Jackson II. But his nickname was Blanket. When I heard Michael's voice, I thought 100% he's saying, move on, we're not including any Michael Jackson stuff in this podcast.

I was like, let's skirt over that. Or he's one of them, you know them people that are quite normal and get on with day-to-day life and you don't think anything of it. But if you go, God, Michael Jackson, it was a bit funny wasn't he and then they turn into this sort of super well i think you'll find actually that court case was a complete disgrace you're like oh okay you're one of those michael jackson fans fair enough okay yeah let's not i like you so let's not talk about that. Let's keep that. Yeah. Separado. Okay. Blanket. Oh, dear. Anyway, Landy Lou.

I think Landy Lou's a nice name for a girl. Good on you. Bit of a issue, Rob. That one. At the Widdicombe house. Sure. When isn't there one? When isn't there one?

No, so it wasn't that big an issue, but it did... You're like, I'm not really on the ball here. So we're in a bit of a situation that you're like I'm not really on the ball here so we're in a bit of a situation that you're in my daughter really loves doing clubs so she's doing a lot of clubs but she's signed up to piano because you do it during the school day

yeah that's exactly what my daughter did so it doesn't feel like an extra club it just feels like you're missing a bit of science she really likes the music teacher she gets to hang out with the music teacher and play some piano great My daughter did, yeah. So they take you out. So it doesn't feel like an extra club. It just feels like... You're missing a bit of science. She really likes the music teacher. She gets to hang out with the music teacher and play some piano. Sure.

Great. So she did her first piano lesson. Mm-hmm. And then we get the email saying, so buy the book. Here's the book you need to buy. Fine. Of course. Oh, do you like something?

Do you like something? Give me 100 quid. Did your kid like something? Give me 250. Oh, okay. Well, they've been there for 20 minutes. It wasn't bought. We didn't have to buy it off the music teacher. I know. I feel like that's all that happens. Oh, your kid like something? Give me 250. Oh, okay. Well, they've been there for 20 minutes. We didn't have to buy it off the music teacher.

I feel like that's all that happens. Oh, your kid likes that. It's under a quid. What? What? You need that now. Why? Lend her one.

Lend her a guitar. Well, that's the problem, Rob. Yeah. This is what happened. And they were like, and so if she could practice this during the week, I was like, what? We haven't got a piano. I didn't know we had to have a piano for piano lessons. How have we got to get a fucking piano?

Take her to an hotel. Stick her in the bar. Take her to King's Sumpancris. So that chained up one. I always feel like those, you know, the pianos that are in train stations are chained up. Obviously, so it's not to be stolen. But I sort of feel like it's because they're quite aggressive if they're left.

They're like aggressive ones that couldn't be in a band. Elton John's piano is at Radio 2, just sat there doing nothing. I've never seen anyone play it. Every time I go into Radio 2, I think, should I ever go on that? They've got a coffee machine at Radio 2 that they've not changed. It's the same coffee machine, machine like for the station, right? That they've not changed since I've been at Radio 2, like not even my own show as a guest. So it's going back probably 13, 12, 13 years, same coffee machine. And I feel like Harrison Ford was in last week.

He could have brought one. Oh no, but you can't serve him up from that. Come on. Harrison Ford in Radio 2. What's he doing? Covering for Vernon Kaye? No, so sometimes I go in in the week to do bits and bobs, and I walk past and Zoe Ball, if she can't get him live, Zoe Ball will stay around and do them at like 10 or 11 in the morning.

So you just walk past Harrison Ford. Johnny Marr was there the other day. It's quite exciting. Was he? Yeah. So what was he talking about? Piano. So what are you doing?

Keyboard? We're going to have to buy a keyboard, aren't we? Yeah, we're not going to get a piano. I don't know. You're pretty creative. Oh, no. I can't be tinkling the old ivories in the evenings. Patnam.

Not Patnam's game. Not Patnam's. Don't. Don't. Don't ruin it. What? Rose is already going to be angry. Oh, Patsy. Not Patnum's game. Not Patnum's game. Don't. Don't ruin it. Rose is already going to be angry. Oh, Patsy. Chill.

Are you okay, Patsy? No, she doesn't call me Patsy. Thank God for that. You said Pats. Pats. Let's not go into it, Bob. Num Nums? For sure.

Patnums? Num Nums? Some Num Nums for Num Nums? Num Nums is what we call kissing. Num Nums? No, it's not. Some Num Nums for putts. That's what I say when we're watching TV in the evening.

Now, Rob, what have you been up to? What have I been up to? Well, not what I've been up to. My daughter's been up to. My daughter came home from school the other day and went, I don't think the world's going for me anymore, Dad. Oh, my God. I think the world's going against me anymore, Dad. Oh, my God. I think the world's going against me.

Oh, my God. I was like, all right. Negative Nelly. And by the way, that's not me giving away my daughter's name. For the Bridget Jones crew. Anyway, so what happened to it? I fell off a bench and hurt my knee and i went oh did someone push you off she went no i just fell off oh well you just sat on your

own she went yeah well you gotta you gotta sort of take a bit of responsibility yourself there i think that's sort of like that i would say that's the world unless gravity you got beat for gravity and then she went and then i hurt both my legs i was like oh what happened she went i did cross country they're doing cross country she's like in year three now she's nearly eight so between eight and year six they do like some cross country practice or something but then i anyway they were like they sent an email out going hi guys uh today your kids are gonna do some cross-country it was in their pek anyway those that are quick will be selected to represent the school at a meet next week on tuesday and if um they'll be picked up at 2 p.m they'll miss the last hour of school and then they'll be dropped back at school at 6 p.m all right hang on hang on i'm gonna say something

rob what's that i'm gonna say the school forgot that they were doing cross-country meet and at the last minute... It's a panic run. Oh, fuck. Panic run around the school field. So I was like, hang on. I was like, but what's weird about this is, right, all the other things at school they do,

like my kids do, it's like swimming. I think the only other sort of team that's got is like the swimming. I think it's a swimming team for whatever. But they were like, oh, if they want to be in the swim team go to the come to the club and then they'll do trials to see you can get in kind of thing and it's all like if you want to be in it come and do it but this was like we're going to make them all run and then select and i thought the reason that is no child wants to do cross country no no one awful and i don't fucking hate cross country well i think that's because really most children are quite pure and trauma free.

And the only reason adults run that far is demons. Isn't it? Yeah. Because it's the only, my daughter's like, oh yeah, like tennis, like football. They're fun sports. But I want to run across the countryside for ages in the cold and wet and mud. No child wants

to do that. What are you running from Sebco? Do you know what I mean? I know. Just look at, if you're running a normally if you're running a marathon, there's something else going on there, isn't there? To run a marathon. You're not just doing that for fitness. There's a lot of other things to do. Normally it's people whose dad did one and they're trying to beat the time before they get old which is you know pretty

healthy keep that up that'll make you happy did you do cross country at school i came third last that's all right yeah running i'm not really built for running it's not it's sort of not really my game but i'm trying to do more of it on the dog walks but did you like cross country i fucking hated it at school. Because obviously asthma was really bad for me at school. And also, we were in the country. So it was pretty, like, hilly. Yeah, that is brutal.

Because there's a different level to countryside. Like, even where I am, like, I'm not sort of deep countryside. Yeah, if my daughter did cross country, she's not in cross country. She's running around a park. Yeah, you're running around a park. But where you were, that is. Beast of Bodmin, is that around there? Did you ever see the Beast of Bodmin?

No, that's North Devon. Same thing, isn't it? Same place. The Beast of Bodmin is real. Is it? Yeah. So what is it, just a couple of big cats that got released? Yeah, basically.

Has there been any sightings recently? I think there's always sightings, but they're never quite good enough. I mean, there'll be a lot of people at home going, it's not real, but it feels... It's not like the Loch Ness Monster. Do you know what I mean? Which is complete falsehood, but at some point, there probably was a big cat on the loose,

whether it's still there or not. Yeah. Right, okay. Good, glad we got that cleared up. I remember turning up to Sports Day, and I didn't like Sports Day. I told you about the bloke who won the javelin, didn't I? No. We never got taught javelin at our school.

We just, for some reason, missed it for whatever reason. So they all had to do javelin, but no one knew how to do javelin. And everyone just kept on fouling because it didn't land in it, or they stepped over the line. So in the end, the bloke who won just walked to the line and just stabbed it in the ground like a flag.

Yes. His brain's overblown. Love it. Love it. Love it. Great, wasn't it? Oh, so this is a good tip, right? So for some weird reason,

my five-year-old wanted to take a teddy into school and then was like, just like, you know, like kicking off about it. And I think it was more just to kick off. So this is a good little tip that worked. I said, I'll tell you what, you know, like kicking off about it and I think it was more just to kick off. So, this is a good little tip that worked. I said,

I tell you what, you can't take the teddy into school but I can take the teddy with me today to do my jobs so your teddy can go on an adventure

and then basically what I did was took like a photo of the teddy in the car with the seatbelt on, held the teddy up for a photo in the bank

and then I was in a cafe so I put the teddy on a chair pretending to eat my breakfast and then put the teddy on a chair pretending to eat my breakfast and then put the teddy in the shower and a couple of little photos and she was buzzing.

Can I ask a question? Yeah. Did you have a bag or were you carrying a teddy around? I had a bag. So I had a work bag and the teddy was quite small. However, if you're bagless

you're in trouble. But it worked. But I could have got away with doing all them things in like the first hour of the day. Yeah, of course. There's no timestamp. She wasn't saying, could you also have your phone in shot

so that I can see the time. Yeah, and then just, if you're on the train, swap seats. You've got one of the teddy on the way to work and one on the way back to work. Oh, this is good, Rob. This is good. Teddy's day out. Teddy or toy's day out.

And in that way, the kid don't take it in and then the kid's excited to see the pictures however if you forget to take the photos that's a panicked dash around the house oh pretend to find your phone you take photos of a teddy but that that worked for us which you're very good dad well that's the thing people don't give us do you know what i don't think i am i just think I'm quite a quick problem solver. Yeah, you're creative. Yeah, I'm a creative problem solver. I've had to become very creative with my low, what should I call it?

Skill. Sperm count. That's not my last sperm count. But, you know, there's not many in there, but I will keep going at it. That's what they always say about me. Oh, we have a thing as well. Right, so I've got a problem here, Josh, right? Go on.

And then we'll do some correspondence. First of all, I can't get my kids to brush their teeth. Do yours keep avoiding it? Or are they good? Yeah, so my son, he just sucks on the toothbrush. But he'll, I can do his teeth if he, he'll open his mouth. Yeah, but he's too young to do it himself. But ours are old enough now to do it themselves, but they keep lying about it.'s too young to do it himself but owls are old enough now

to do it themselves but they keep lying about it my daughter doesn't do it for long enough no no one does today though that's the problem two minutes

is fucking mental I don't do it for two minutes no I mean maybe this is a sign of not wanting to ever be alone in my own thoughts

but normally when I'm doing my um ablutions whatever they'd be called at the end of the night, I'll put on a podcast or an audiobook. Oh, what, just to do that? Yeah.

See, I think that's the reason with the toothbrushing is people don't want to look at... Because you also, you're in front of a mirror normally. Two minutes and you can't talk or be distracted or have a conversation. Well, because it's electric, I can't listen to my podcast. So you're just staring at yourself. You're just staring at yourself for two minutes. Yeah, maybe that's the problem. And you're thinking, how much extra is this doing?

Do you know what I mean? How much is still there? One minute 30 in. You do sort of think, are my teeth that bad? Do I have to go to dentists that often? Or do the dentists go, oh, we're a bit low on profits. Let's send a reminder out six months early. You know what I mean?

All right oh you must plaque do you go to the do you go to the hygienist um i do where i remember but i'm not as regular as i go i probably supposed to go every year but i probably go every 18 months every two years to get you like properly clean i go dentist every year i go hygienist every uh four months yeah i probably should but i don't. Yeah. But that keeps me on my toes a bit. You need a little bit more anxiety about it.

That's what annoys me about the dentist. You go in and go, oh, God, these need doing. Yeah, so I'm fucking here. I'm not going to turn up with clean, perfect teeth. How am I your fucking dentist?

Don't go to the mechanic with a working car, you fucking moron. Oh, these teeth are a bit... Oh, you need a filling. Yeah, so I'm fucking here. I'm not doing it at home, knob. Fuck off.

It really annoys me. Oh! Does it? God, these are a bit... Oh, it's all a bit... Because I've got this, like, metal bar behind my... I had a tooth taken out of my bottom set, right? I had one tooth taken out,

and there was a middle one there at the bottom, and it was protruding. It was making my jaw go forward a bit. Your tooth down in the middle, then i'd yeah so i'd one extra in the middle so it looked a bit odd and it was getting pushed out because i had too many teeth yeah so they removed it and then to bring them together they put like a bit of a metal bar behind but now it's impossible to clean and i can't really properly clean it so i have i need to go to the hygienist so i can get in and around it because it's a bit of metal it's not my teeth and uh they always go oh it's dirt oh god it's a dirt in there i was like yeah you put it in there you put metal in my fucking mouth when i was about

11 so there's a bar so you can feel it with your tongue yeah tiny little almost like if if i was sort of like an indie chick and i had my nose pierced yeah yeah, yeah. Like that, through the middle, through the snout. And so when you're passionately kissing with Lou, is that a problem? What's that? She loves it. That's what got her into me, the old bar. Now, you can't, she would, I don't know what Rose is doing with her tongue when you kiss,

but she's not like going around each tooth. Oh, mate. What's she do with her tongue? Very little. We are well beyond that stage, my friend. My other issue. Oh, two things. One, did you know you can pay checks in on bank apps?

You don't have to go in anymore. Yeah, yeah. I just found this out. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? It is. I'm fully in favour of everything that's... When are you getting a cheque? Oh, well, I got a rebate from the taxman for, like, 140 quid.

Can't they just put it in your account? Well, I thought that. And I was like, well... And it was like, it's enough where... If it was, like, £18, I'd be like, I'd never get round to... But 140, like, you can't let 140 disappear. But, like, to go into a bank, to queue up, park... I was like, oh...

Anyway, so I did it but um but yeah so i went in but yeah i didn't know you could it was right right little day right little fun day in the bank for me that was josh whenever i go to the bank i am 40 years younger than every other customer no one of my age is going to the bank these days no it's when you queue up because sometimes you have to go in to do like a large transfer, if you like, when you're like moving house or paying for work or you need cash out for a car or something like that. So I always find whenever I go there, I'm like queuing up with people. Like it's either, it's like me and someone else

that's got some sort of big life-changing transfer for a house or whatever. And so it's me. And then there'll be a nan that has got no idea what day of the week is holding up holding a pain in book he like poor cow i don't know what's going on then they'll be like the dodgiest man ever with about eight eight grand in cash just like yeah i just want to pay it and arguing about where he's got it from and then there'll be like some sort of crackhead trying to like withdraw £7.50 saying, I've got to buy some drugs.

And I'm stood there going, I think I should be in a different queue. Well, there is the other queue, isn't there? There's that kind of hot desk at the front. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So the hot desk, that's it. Yeah.

So at the moment, really, the hot desk is for any other biz. And then the little queue of things, basically people that are going to die in the next 10 years it just can't be bothered with apps the queue at the windows is for things that you could definitely do on your phone if you're a thousand but then i got dragged into that because i'm queuing up to pay a check-in do you want you can do it on your app but i did go fair enough i'll do it i didn't go no no no oh i'll queue i'll cute but i do think there's too many apps though like parking apps

are getting out of hand there's just so many different companies and ringo ringo used to be green right now my app's pink mate give me half a fucking chance here like if you're going to change it to pink, change the signs to pink. Yeah. My mum and dad, after logging to their app to go swimming at their local council swimming baths, right? And it was so confusing. They drove down there in the end and went, look, we can't work it out. Can we just pay for swimming? They went, no, not today. They had to go back another day.

Oh, my God. I'm just going to look what my most pointless app is. I've got apps I don't even know what they are. What is Impulse? Keep your brain sharp. What's that? I don't even know what they are what is impulse keep your brain sharp what's that i don't when did i download that yeah ringo has gone pink exactly why i've got a plymouth hargarlap i didn't even know there was an app that's green it's people getting confused with plymouth tickets um oh josh this another problem i've got right so i've always found trainers a bit too tight right around the sides

but not tight enough to like all shoes and feet you've got quite broad feet anyway so over the summer i've bought myself a pair of um i'll give a shout because i think they're the best hocker wide fit trainers and i love hockers very comfy right so i've worn them all summer because they're like mesh they don't need to be waterproof in the summer i've just basically worn them all summer and they're wide right they fit like an absolute glove and basically i've realized i've got wide feet and i need special shoes yeah right i need wide fit shoes i need to go to a special place for shoes right because my feet are so white unlike me who just wears a size two so i've got i've got broad feet so i just have a lot of

toe space i love the way you've rebranded it broad to make them sound big and intimidating well yeah sorry i've got wide feet so i've got a lot of space so but what it was was i used to be able to fit into my shoes but they were tight however i've been in the wide boys all summer my feet are expressing themselves josh i've never felt, I've got a better balance I feel like I'm clinging to the floor, I'm like a chimpanzee I'm flying, right I'm getting better at football, there's just more space when I'm running or walking

now, I had to go and do a corporate the other night, couldn't get my shoes on what, your feet are big oh no, that's incredible over time, your feet they don't get longer, but they get wider, because they've got bigger and apparently as well over time your feet get they don't get longer but they get wider that sometimes they're kind of flattening down yeah and because i've not got like leather trainers keeping them bound in like a sort of sort of geisha so but our shoes

don't fit me and i don't know what to do then i messaged hocker and said hi guys i need some because i thought you know what i'll do is i'll just get a pair of like waterproof versions of what i've got and then what smart trainers no no no for like when i'm going for dog walks or going out with the kids and i'm day-to-day stuff right i'll just be that old man that wears two pairs of shoes right and then if i go out in the evening i'll just have to wear tight shoes right hey you adam oh yeah sir we don't do any waterproofing wide so i've got no shoes i've got one pair of trainers that fit nothing else no because they're too long and they slip off and even then they're still a bit tight So I've got no shoes. I've got one pair of trainers that fit. Nothing else fits. Why don't you just wear bigger shoes, Rob?

No, because they're too long and they slip off. And even then they're still a bit tight. I say, I reckon I'm 11 wide, 9 long. So I can't wear 11s and it fits on the side. You've got to wear 10s. You've got to wear 10s, mate. I can't wear 10s. It's still too tight, Josh.

Oh, is it? Yeah. You're going to look mental in 11s. You're going to have such long feet i'm not wearing 11s you're gonna have to just slowly bring your feet back in aren't you do hocker do smart shoes no they're just running shoes but they don't do waterproofing wides so if you're listening i'll do a collaboration smart wide shoes fit here we go it out. Wide fit shoes. Wide fit smart shoes. Here we go.

They're going to be awful, aren't they? Widefitshoes.co.uk. Here we go, Rob. Adidas come up quite narrow, so I could never wear Adidas really. It always used to hurt my feet. Wide fit shoes. Here you go, Rob.

There's a whole website for people with wide feet. I'm part of a new gang. Look, widefitshoes.co.uk went, this is my small business shout out for, it looks like a big business, but I'm

shot by width. Look, you can shot by width. Shot by condition. Hammer toes, swollen feet, bunions, arthritis,

diabetics. No, they're just broad and strong. What do you want, a loafer? Or a canvas shoe? I'll have a loafer,

a smart loafer. There you go. There's one product. Oh, it's bad. Smart loafer. Oh, it's bad, Rob. Giacomo wide leather shoes. Fuck's sake.

This is you. I've got to go to Giacomo for my shoes. That's fine. I've got to go wide fit, haven't I? I should say, Rob, you can get some top brands on here. Can I? So trainers-wise, you could get New Balance, Nike, Skechers. Really? Yeah. it's a whole

new world because i've just realized nothing fit me forever josh i just thought that's just what my i worry that i've got broad feet but i'm not i'm just i'm just stick with the geisha thing at the moment no don't i'm not joining you no but once you once you go wide your feet start enjoying the freedom it's like it's like jack greenish when he signed for man city he sort of it just went up a level there's just more space on the pitch it took him a year to get there though didn't it but i just think so i'm in that year i think um i was listening to um diary of a podcast ceo thing yeah and he was talking about he was where he wears these feet that are he wears his shoes that feel more like you're walking on the ground and it's better for you right and i just i just i don't know i like

big foamy bouncy ones i like it i just just let me like my shoes rather than feel that they're doing don't make i just don't want to have to feel guilty about my shoes. I think self-improvement has got out of hand. Just, as long as you're not a wreckhead, you're fine as you are. Come on. No one needs to beat me with my fucking Adidas, mate. I can't, please don't let me feel guilty about my Converse. I've beat my 5k PB. Who cares?

No one gives a fuck, mate. It's only going to get slower, then we all die. Right. it's only going to get slower then we all die right do you want to do some correspondence quickly and then small business correspondence yeah yeah yeah yeah well I've done my small business already Rob what's your small business the wideshoes.co.uk wideshoes.co.uk big up the wide way

anyone else out there got wide feet and any tip like poor old Michael with the inbox hello I've got wide feet cheers bye out there got wide feet and then he took my poor old michael with the inbox hello i've got one feet cheers bye no i also have wide feet so genuinely i'm fascinated by this so please do email in you got wide feet do all men do all men have wide feet it's the whole thing because there's we've got three out of three here right is this is this just a fucking a shoes the wrong fucking shape because we've got a hundred percent wide foot like mine honestly because i you know i look at trainers i can and that's why i used to buy canvas ones so i could have overhang yeah you know like because if you had proper tight leather you can't squeeze them

in but some all right so some brands are better than others but look if there's any running company shoe company that wants to do a wide boy Beckett fit, I'm up for a collab, Josh. Yeah, okay. I want to do that. I want to bring this to the masses. I want you and Michael to work. You're showing boys.

Bobby Beckett's wide boys. Let's be honest, Rob. Let's be honest. We know Adidas have got a lot of money they need to reassign for a link up with a celebrity. And I've got no views. And I tell you what, I will say to Adidas or Nike, New Balance, whoever it is, Hocker, what view do you want me to have? Send me the money.

Well, I imagine they want you to have no view. No views. That's perfect. No views. No opinions. No views. No principles. We're the wide boys.

Let's get the Rob Beckett wide boys. I just want a shoe that fits Josh do you know what I mean that's all I want let's have a think about how fashionable that would be you're walking along

the street someone goes oh what's your new shoe and you go have you watched 8 out of 10 casters countdown because there's a guy

on that called Rob Beckett sure yeah and he's got wide feet yes and so he's developed a wide shoe called wide boys narrow views

that's bad isn't it no views I don't think I mean this I don't know how cool it's going to be and then you could sing wild boys by Duran Duran wide wide boys wide boys wide boys wide boys as i walk wide boys wide boys comfy honestly mate these get a pair of two get a pair of the

hocker wide and they will change your life you can i don't want it to change my life well that's a mate but it's so much better josh i once once bought a pair of Ilina Stasi, the Adidas trainers. He sounds like a dictator. He was a Romanian tennis player from the 70s and 80s. Okay, fair enough. So they were like these retro Adidas trainers. They only had them in an eight and I'm a nine. Right.

But I really liked them. Classic. Bought them. I got an ingrown toenail, Rob. Oh, why? You won't get that with white boys. You can be as cool as you want, but if you've got an ingrown toenail, Rob. Oh, why? You won't get that with wide boys. You can be as cool as you want, but if you've got an ingrown toenail, you're not walking, baby. You could say that in the advert.

You could say, do you know what's cool? Letting your feet live. Do you know what's cool? Being comfortable. Okay? Do you know what's cool? Being able to walk without, oh, can we stop for a bit? My feet ache.

Pathetic. Get in your wide, boys. Slip them on. It's like having your foot in a soup of gold sounds horrible i vividly remember that rose said the oldest we ever sounded on this podcast yeah was when we discussed how shoes they need to develop more comfortable shoes because shoes weren't as comfortable as trainers see that's what that was See, that was when there was something in the back of my mind and I knew I was a wide boy.

Do you know what I mean? And I've realised that's why other people aren't into the comfortable, smart shoe because we've been in the wrong shoes too long. And I tell you what, if Rose and Lou, if you're listening, well, gutted, you're married to two boring old fuckers

that are 40-odd. So just get with it, deal with it, and we're all going to slowly decay. And we're only going to get worse and more annoying. It's up to you if you stay. I'd advise Lou to stay at least until the patent is cleared on Wide Boys so that you get half of it. Right, let's do it. I'll do a parenting fat out and then we'll do a small business

show hi rob and josh a few months ago we decided to potty train our toddler daughter all was going well and we were delighted when she started to tell us when she needed to go one evening i needed to pop to the shop a two-minute walk from our house leaving my husband with our newborn baby at home our little girl asked to come with me whilst in the queue to pay my daughter told me she needed a wee as we were early on with the potty training and she was giving approximately 30 seconds warning i knew we wouldn't make it home so i put down the shopping and popped out to let her do a wild wee around the around the side of the building imagine my horror when the wee turned into a poo and my further horror when i realized my pockets were completely empty bar my phone

not a tissue or piece of paper in sight oh my god i had no other choice but to pick up the poo my bare hands and deposit it in in the nearest bin oh absolute parenting low oh that's awful thanks for making us laugh from lydia oh, Ewan, but with a J. So it looks like Juan, but it's actually Ewan. That must be a fucking nightmare, that. With B. No, I'm just... Hello, my name's Ewan.

How do you spell that? J, pardon. Hi, I'm Ewan. With a J. Yep, thanks. And B, B-E-A, and baby Sid. All the way from the Isle of Man. Yep, thanks. And B, B-E-A and baby Sid all the way from the Isle of Man. Oh, dear.

To be fair, I've seen worse than that in the Isle of Man when I've been there. I've just listened to your hooker suck episode on my commute to work and it gave me a flashback to last year and arranging a jubilee party for the street where I live. Hooker suck was when I did hooker duck,

but I think there was a mess up in the whatsapp group or something so i have a tendency to swear a lot and was fed up on my phone auto correcting the word fuck to duck my messages would say for duck's sake we've all been there this annoyed me greatly so one day i decided to change my auto correct settings from then on every time i type the word duck i set auto correct to change it to fuck problem solved Oh, no. Oh, God. However, one day when messaging our street group arranging the Jubilee Street Pie,

I made reference to one of our lovely neighbours, Carol, in her 70s, playing hook-a-duck. To my horror, I forgot the autocorrect change, hit send, and the message referred to Carol playing hook-a-fuck. I didn't know you could change your autocorrect change. Hit send and the message referred to Carol playing hook or fuck. I didn't know you could change your autocorrect, did you? I didn't know that Carol was hooking fucks left, right and centre. Exactly.

Very quickly had to apologise to the higher street for the offence. Keep it sexually unrelatable. Hannah Gregg from Bognor Regis, West Sussex. Oh, Bognor. I love a bit of Bognor. Have you been to Bognor? Yes, I have been to Bognor. Done a gig in Bognor.

Have you? Yeah, they've got a little theatre for a warm-up gig. It's good. Oh, lovely. Bogna's quite a fun place because it's sort of like, it hasn't got the nicest name, has it? No. But it's actually all right.

Is it nice that it sounds? Hmm. Yes, but I wouldn't, you know, you're not going to the French Riviera. No, no, no. I wouldn't say you're blown up. I wouldn't say you leave blown up. I wouldn't say you leave Bognor Regis going,

I cannot believe that that place is called Bognor. Yeah. I think you go, oh, it's quite nice here, isn't it? It's not too bad. Yeah. Is that okay?

I don't want to upset the people of Bognor Regis. No, no, that's cool. It's got a nice seaside. Exactly. It's all good. It's all good. Dear Rob and Josh and Michael

and the rest of the team who make the podcast happen. This is a small business shout out to all the pick your own pumpkin farms in the uk who opened this october we we run pick your own pumpkin in ashford kent not too far from europe to bring the girls we started to pick your own site in 2014 when my second baby was eight months old and he spent the entire october in a sling whilst i sold pumpkins at the back of a horse box proper farm style since the event has grown and it's become a bigger family affair each year we support a local charity and this year we are working with club awesome that's spelled a-u-s-o-m-e who are a kent-based charity supporting families with children who have disabilities or additional learning needs would really love the shout out and the website for book it is www.pick

your own pumpkin.farm.farm keep up the great work that's cool isn't it it's good isn't it i mean it's not too far from you josh once you get through the blackwall tunnel it's about half hour 40 minutes so it's very doable once you get through the blackwall tunnel rob that's the big one though isn't it go early you'll be all right a weekend keep up up the great work. I listen to you each week on the school run and completely blame Robb for my youngest learned the word fuck, complete with the South London accent. Thanks, Gem. Good luck to him.

Cheers, Gem. He'll take you far, that. Look, the problem is, if you want to swear as an adult, you can't, if you've got my accent, you can get away with the odd fuck because it sounds like it's just a chat. Whereas if you're posh and you swear, it sounds like you're annoyed, you know.

I can swear a lot more than someone like Ivo Graham or Ivo Graham sounds like he's livid. Right, have you got a small business shout out? Oh, well, I was going to do wide fit shoes, but I could do another one. Iro and Josh. Can you please give my best friend Hannah a small business shout out?

Hannah makes water resistant mats that you can sit on so you don't get a wet or mucky bum. They're easy to pop under the push chair in your bag and mean that you can rest on any bench. Oh, that's good. Or patch your grass and not have to worry about the mess that could go on your trousers. Great for mums and dads that may need to find the nearest bench to feed their baby. That is good. She's made a wide range of fabrics and prints that you can choose from or pre-made ones available to purchase via etsy the mats come in kids sizes too so you can have ones to match she also makes picnic mats and

dog mats perfect for the whole family her business is called take a seat rain or shine social media is take a seat rain or shine on instagram facebook and etsy thanks for making me chuckle come on sophie wager oh i like that good name chuckle a bit more than that please sophie come on mate chuckle find that mildly amusing um josh i'll see you on friday see you on friday bye hi guys fatia algori here quick question bruv do you like to laugh do you like to give money Hi guys, Fatia El Ghori here. Quick question, bruv. Do you like to laugh? Do you like to give money to good causes?

Course you do, bruv. Course you do. Well, listen, on Thursday the 2nd of November at Hackney Empire, I'm hosting a comedy night with a star-studded line-up. Heard of Rob Beckett, Jack D, Kerry Goddiman, Axel Blake, Joanne McNally, Harry Hill. Well, yeah, I pulled some strings, didn't I? They're all going to be joining me to raise money for the British Red Cross, Morocco Earthquake and Libya Floods Appeal. It's a win for your dopamine levels and your morals.

So get your tickets at Hackney Empire or Ticketmaster. See you there, innit?