Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP29: "Unlock your brain, man..."

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with amity can you say rob beckett and josh widdicombe Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett.

And Josh Widdicombe? Josh. Josh. Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe. Done. That is a good one. That is a very strong one, isn't it?

They're a bit shy sometimes with saying your name, the kids, but they absolutely smash that. Yeah. I haven't even got the info on this because the message wouldn't download at all, Rob. Oh, don't you worry, mate. I can do it. Not a problem.

Yeah, thank you. Hi, Rob. I absolutely love Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett. Now, this... So I actually love Rob Beckett's parenting I'd love it if it was rebounded like that imagine it that that's the kind of thing that nobody rips apart a double act or two people work together do you remember when McCartney who I have an incredible amount of time for as a human being yeah tried to get some of the names reversed on the Beatles

songs that he's primarily written to McCartney and Lennon over Lennon and McCartney. What, after he died? Yeah, it was about 15 years ago. Come on, Paul. We all know he wrote Yesterday. It doesn't matter what order. But if you wrote it together,

it doesn't matter what order it is, does it? I think some of them he wrote solely on his own, but they were still billed as Lennon and McCartney. Right. Yeah, I can understand that'd be frustrating if you've written a song and you get that put on it. But yeah, that would be the ultimate, like, yeah, Josh, I've just been thinking,

because the panel show we do is Rob Beckett Smart TV, I just keep it consistent. There's a brand now. But yes, no, that was a joke. They didn't say that. They said, hello, Rob, Josh and Michael. This is my daughter, Amelie, who just turned two. We live in Tunbridge Wells, Royal Tunbridge Wells.

Don't sell yourself short. Which I think he once claimed was one of the worst places to do a comedy gig. Yes, correct. It's just tepid, isn't it? It's in that weird church. And I think because it's near London, everyone goes there to do new material. So they've had McIntyre down there, you know, Mickey Flanagan, all the Lee Evans. Most of the people who live there go to London every day.

Yeah. And it's got Royal in front of it. So some of them think their shit don't stink. But some are lovely. You get on the train. It's one of those ones where if you get the train to the gig from London, a lot of the commuters are coming to the gig. Yeah, so I agree. I think they're all a bit rushed and stressed.

Very nice people. It's got a lovely arse, or was it a pizza express? Arse. All right, arse. Tell you what, we're on Tunbridge Wells. It's got a lovely arse on it. Some people would call Tonbridge the arse of Tunbridge Wells. Don't want to get into the beef,

because there's Tunbridge Wells and tonbridge two very different places so they live in tonbridge wells um we live with my husband is it tucker tucker yeah it's kent yeah that's where they um rishi sunak was filmed saying that he's gonna stop giving money to inner city poor areas and give it to tonbridge wells a little rat um anyway so we live my husband tucker that's a great name amelie's four-year-old brother arthur and our dog albie amelie arthur albie and tucker that's nice amelie just taught herself to climb out of her cot so he moved into her bed i fear we're never gonna sleep again as she now just gets out and screams at us all night long i would describe myself as a mega

fan and my husband often calls me out for referring to you both as my actual mates joe thank you so much for the lulz i i feel like that with pop there's podcasts i listen to where it just feels like you're having a cat you're so busy running from place to place it feels like you're just in the car with some friends so we love that so i'm glad we can make you feel like that kaz so thanks for listening we appreciate all our listeners i know we can make you feel like that Kaz so thanks for listening we appreciate all our listeners I know we're always taking the piss

and messing about but it's really nice to know that people really listen when you come up to us and say how much you listen so thank you very much we appreciate it

we do like that show gratitude because there's loads of other stuff you can listen to thank you for tuning in on the friends thing yeah

my son so when he's being reluctant to go into nursery, as a lot of children are, even though they always say, within seconds of us leaving, he likes it. Well, but I don't know if that's true, because I sometimes feel... Don't say that, Rob, for fuck's sake.

Well, no... Someone's just listening to this after the nursery drop crying into the car and i've said that well no i i do well i think that you know it's a bit like sometimes when i especially when i did a job i didn't like right so it's different so when i did it i used to work in an office or worked at sainsbury's or in the pub. I'd sometimes get to the door of work and be like, if I was if I was honest here, I would cry and turn around and not want to go in. Yeah. But you can't as an adult. You've got to get on with life. So I think they're only expressing how we feel as adults as well.

But then we just learn to repress it. So I don't know who's in the wrong. I saw the kids crying at the gate. is the thing he goes rather than saying i don't like nursery yeah he says and he's it's brutal because he talks about he's previously he talks about all the kids there as my friends right so that's how he refers to the kids at nursery and now he started saying i don't like my friends. Oh, oh, there, that's a level up, that is. Yeah. He doesn't like his friends. And then he says, I like...

It's a new nursery. Is it a new nursery? Has he moved his nursery? No, no, he's been with them for a good long while. And all reports are he does like his friends. But it's... Well, they're not going to tell you he don't, are they? Well, they are.

Yeah, he absolutely hates all his friends. But he says that he likes... He says, I like my sister's friends and you're like you can't hang out with them mate you can't cramp her style like that i feel like when he's 17 he'll feel the same as well i think i like all my sister's 19 year old friends actually on reflection so so he just wants that i think that happens a lot with a younger sibling because he has to go through her playground to get to the nursery because it's the same uh building oh they're in this right yeah that's the problem so he wants to be with his sister and the bigger kids yeah

yeah because i do find when you've got the second one they're a little bit more grown up than your first one was so much more the things he'll do that my daughter wouldn't do because he's just got he's being shown that second kid confidence yeah yes am i a youngest and well my two kids are in separate playgrounds at school so there's one for like the younger kids and then there's another bit that's sort of slightly older so not allowed in the exact same playground now they were last year. So she's a bit like, well, I want to go over there and play over there. It's like that.

Yeah. It's difficult to explain it though to a two and a half year old. But then, this is something the other day when it was like, my daughter in the younger years got a friend who's got an older sister

who's in a couple of years older than my eldest and they're in the same playground. And I was like, oh, do you play with her at school? Because she's like two years older than my eldest and they're in the same playground and i was like oh do you play with her at school because she's like two years old no um she said um how about we are friends out of school but not in school i went oh okay so you don't play i went so what did you say she went yeah i agreed i thought we'd be best as well we're sort of mate at houses but when we're at school you just play your friends are playing mine it's too complicated otherwise it's sort of

like they've come to agreement but I was like oh are they being mean but she was like no no no we both agreed actually that was kind of mutual do you know what my daughter did for at playtime yesterday

well she was driving in yesterday and she said me and my best friend we just we counted really high yesterday we counted and she said but she said it in a really matter-of-fact way she said we counted from one to 419 and we're going to carry on today so from 419 as if they've gone well we'll put a pin in that. We've got that. We'll take that up tomorrow playtime.

But it's lessons again now. Because that's one of those games where up to about 250, you think, this is boring. What's the point? But once you get over 250, you're like, how high can we go? Yeah, I wonder. I haven't spoken to her about it in the last 24 hours. So I wonder whether they carried on.

Well, they're going to get to 50 pretty quick. So 500, sorry. They're going to get to 500 pretty quick. So 500, sorry. They're going to get to 500 pretty quick. So I imagine then there's a discussion. Do we knock it on the head or do we go for the big grand? Well, it's like when a batsman's got a century overnight and then they've got to go back in and they've got to refocus. Yeah, it's difficult.

They might get out very early doors the next morning because you've lost the mindset that was... Yeah. How was it? I got to 4-2-3. We just we just heads went heads went dad we just had it the day before tunnel vision but today we just went sometimes sometimes you're on form sometimes you're not we just it just went completely went um i've got a couple of other little bits um to tell you about um so my daughter had a play date um at my youngest and she drove home

and Lou rung me and she went I don't know what to do Rob I went what? She went we're driving home from school and my daughter has stripped her knickers

What? She just took her school dress off In the car? In the car but with her mate who's come back for a play date and then I was on the phone

and she went she stripped her knickers and I don't know why and then And the mate? She was just dressed sort of looking a bit confused okay a bit confused

like why she's doing that but it was a Friday afternoon and I think she's very so she's very loud and fun my youngest but then at school

apparently she's super polite like a mouse very quiet right very like yes miss no miss

get some of the work and stuff like that. And said, oh, she's an angel. She's really well behaved, blah, blah, blah, like that. So I think she lets loose. So her mate that's never been back from a play date must have been like, what the fuck is going on here? Exactly. So I was on like loudspeaker in the car.

I went, oh, why have you done that? And then she started shouting shouting unblock your brain man what is she on unblock your brain man and i couldn't work out saying unblock your brain or i'll block your brain but i'm quite like i'm in my head is unblock your brain as if like take your clothes off what you're doing dressed you're bloody you're just a number you're a little but i think she i think it's almost like a sort of metaphorical that's it school i can take that off yeah yeah i remember when i was at secondary school we used to take our ties off on the bus and we'd be like fucking you know have that this is the shoes like taking your school shoes off

when you get in and you just feel you feel you like your feet pulsating because those kickers were not comfortable no like i tell you that's what we spoke we spoke a lot about shoes and footwear but i feel like because i think lockdown done me because i'm all like walking running shoes the running trainers all the time i can't wear proper shoes to work now like if i do a corporate gig and i've got to be smart i hate it my feet feet hurt man and women in stilettos you must be off your rocker it can't be good for you i was listening to um the secret millionaire what's he called um he's not that secret is he no the diary no it's a diary of a ceo he doesn't yeah it's not a secret anyway that's not the name of it you can't you can't slag someone off for a name of something they've not actually been slagging off for it i was i was about to i was like no he's not that

secret is he was fucking instagram in his defense he's not ever claimed to be secret he's quite the reverse um yeah he was talking to someone about how he now wears these shoes that i just simulate being in real life you know and how bad trainers and shoes are for your yes balance and stuff but they look shit i do not like the i do not like the glove ones the glove ones are fucking creepy they are so weird mr creepy claws not a fan of that at all oh my god that would be an instant deal breaker if I was going on a date with someone and they turned up in glove shoes. At dinner.

At dinner. Climbed in feet first. They are so creepy. Horrible little things. Oh, I should tell you about a meltdown that my youngest had, right? She was kicking off about brushing her teeth or something like that and not going to bed.

And then she was being quite rude. It was like, you're being actually quite rude and quite naughty. And then she screamed. And I won't say the teacher's name. She went, Mrs. Whatever. Mrs. Bloggs. No, I'm not being rude and naughty. Mrs. Bloggs says I'm an angel.

She heard it said about her at school. And then Lou was like, Mrs. Bloggs doesn't have to bath you and brush your hair and your teeth does she every day that's the thing the reports it is interesting

isn't it but then you go I suppose I do that do you know what I mean I'm much more of a nightmare at home yeah well yeah you have to be on

best behaviour at work don't you like no one's fully themselves at work really I mean you know I dress like I'm I dress like it but I act Yeah, you have to be on best behaviour at work, don't you? Like, no one's fully themselves at work, really. I mean, you know, I dress like I'm... I dress like it, but I act, I do act professionally.

Do you want to do some correspondence? Yes, I think that's a good idea because we've been chatting shit for far too long. Let's bring in the listener. And we've got loads of good ones as well because we've not done it for a bit. Oh, this is good, Josh. I don't know if you know about this this is a hack someone sent in

oh yeah from amanda and a lot of other people said it okay you know you said about accidentally deleting or sending an email to the dreaded archive where you can't find it in the bin or whatever it is did you know that if you delete an email by accident and you notice straight away you should shake your phone in your hand the email will appear back in your inbox that's incredible that's the best email i've ever had i'm gonna try it delete transport for london telling me there's no trains again all weekend yeah right i've just yeah that didn't work you try okay i can't get that to work i mean i don't know if this is great podcasting a man silently shaking so you go into the email go into your email I've deleted it

yeah shake your phone under archive it worked it works let me try again yeah mine don't I don't know

how are you shaking it no I tell you when it works and when it doesn't are you waving it or are you wanking it I'm waving it I tell you when it works and when it doesn't

oh no it worked it does work it just worked well I've deleted two emails I need so I'm in. I tell you when it works and when it doesn't. Oh, no, it worked. It does work. It just worked. Well, I've deleted two emails I need, so I'm in trouble for the afternoon. I've just got a tough afternoon for me, ringing people around. Did you email me?

Hi, Rob and Josh. We've moved to Canada when I was four years old and used to go to lacrosse games as a family. My cousins came over to see us, and during this period, there was a game on. My dad went to buy the tickets, and when he came back, he told me that he'd accidentally bought one too many adult tickets, so I wouldn't be able to get into the game,

unless I dressed up as an adult and pretended to be a man. When they were four? Yeah. Not wanting to miss the game. So weird. I proceeded to grab any adult-looking clothes I could find, including a wide brimmed hat and big cloak. To top it off, he said that I didn't look quite old enough,

so my cousins drew a fake beard on me with a permanent marker. Right. Okay. So this is a four-year-old with a detective hat on, massive coat and a sort of very thin black moustache with a sharpie. Once we got to the stadium, I remember being filled with nerves that I wasn't going to get in until the ticket officer saw me and burst out laughing

and commented on my nice costume. My dad then told me it was all a big lie and he had a child's ticket for me all along. All day, people commented and laughed when they saw me as it made absolutely no sense why I was dressed like this at a lacrosse game. My family, of course, thought it was hilarious. and laughed when they saw me as it made absolutely no sense why I was dressed like this at a lacrosse game. My family, of course,

thought it was hilarious. It took four-year-old me a bit longer to see the funny side. Thanks for the laughs, Sam and Molly from Broadway, Worcestershire. That's not okay, is it? No. It's not ideal, is it?

But you don't want an entire stadium laughing at you. No. Right, I've got another one here. Let's do another one. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love the pod.

It's cheered me up on some challenging days of two under two. I also came to the live show in Birmingham and loved it. Thank you very much, Abby Salmon. Sorry, I've actually just laughed at her name. My parenting hack is to leave a spares bag in the car. So pack the baby bag as usual, but also pack an extra bag with nappies, wipes, change of clothes, socks, et cetera, and leave it in the car so pack the baby bag as usual but also pack an extra bag with nappies wipes change your clothes socks etc and leave it in the car at all times it's same a few times when i've left the baby bag by the door in a tired state or a water bottle once leaked over the entire bag's

contents and needed a change of clothes you put it in there hopefully you won't need it but on that day it will be that that's a good idea isn't it just to have one in the back like you you have a spare tire you have like you know in case it gets cold and you break down don't you bottle of water in the boot what's in your boot josh because you're supposed to have stuff like that aren't you do you have any emergency things yeah i've got two bin bags of clothes and a pile of books that didn't sell. Oh God, has she kicked you out? Sorry. Sorry slash great content for next week. Two big bags of books,

two big bags of clothes and a pile of books that didn't sell at a jumble sale that I need to take to a charity shop. Yes. Okay. I do like a charity shop drop, but it's difficult. Some charity shops don't want stuff. It's quite hard to give them stuff. You're not allowed to leave it out the front yes okay i do like a charity shop drop but everyone's it's difficult some some charity

shops don't want stuff it's quite hard to give them stuff you're not allowed to leave it out the front because i don't like people to do that but have you have you got one that you go to all the time and then do they take it yeah um and it's all good but it's just i've just got to drive around there and i might do it this afternoon that's a lovely little job do that yeah here's a parenting hack. Shall we make, you know, this is an unofficial parenting hacks special, Rob. Is it?

Okay. It is now. We've never done more than one and we've done three. Josh, I don't think we've got any more. So the special. I can see two.

I can see three on my sheet. I'll knock them all out in a row. Oh, here we go. This is what we're here for. I'll tell you what, sit down, get ready to become a better parent. It's only taken us three years but now it's time hit me josh morning rob josh and sexy

voice michael listening to your recent episode where a woman said about printing their telephone numbers into their child's shoes another tip we got told from a police officer is to take a photo of your child when they go out every morning so you know what they're wearing every day as that is the first thing you'll be asked if they go missing or get lost and parents always forget due to the stress of it. Quite a bleak tip, but a very...

I don't think I was ready for that tip. I, I, do you know what? Did you go into it too jovial? Far too jovial far too jovial and I just think if I took a photo of my child every morning

just in case they went missing I just don't know if I'll be able to get through the rest of the day I think you're really

starting on a negative do you think the police officer would go to you um I'm sorry it's obviously it's a really difficult time but I'm going to have to ask you um do you think the police officer would go to you um i'm sorry it's obviously it's a really

difficult time but i'm gonna have to ask you um do you know uh what your child was wearing and you go well it's not all bad news because actually a little fact every i've got on my phone i've got 8 334 photos yeah um and that's what i was wearing today yeah um yeah yeah it's a good tip it is a good tip i mean yeah it's the bat it's it's almost like you don't want to engage with that stuff but it's like it's good to engage with it yes yeah i don't know i don't know how i feel about that tip i think it's a good tip if it happens but if it it doesn't, it's a lot of, that's a lot of, because basically what you're doing there is doing a promo early shot for a missing poster.

And I just don't want missing posters on my phone. No. Anyway, let's move on. I think it's a good tip. I don't know if I'm going to do that. Hello, Rob and Josh. Some of you have learned the hard way last year. Turn off notification previews on your phone

as delivery notices strike emails from certain toys, etc. pop up and children may see. Oh, yes, yes. Or if you are slagging someone off at work and they come over to your desk to ask you a question, you don't want a little WhatsApp or iMessage pop up going, oh, God, that fucking bitch has turned up again in terrible trousers. Having your main message come up and it's being read pop up going oh god that fucking bitch has turned up again in terrible trousers having your having

your main message come up and it's being read is like really terrifying is awful so obviously i've got that off but occasionally you'll be like showing someone a video on your phone and then you'll be getting the pop-ups coming down do you know what i mean do you know what sometimes well like people say if my kids are on the phone or if i'm showing them photos or something they'll be like oh do you like oh be careful scrolling through your photos or oh do you know the kids are scrolling through the photos and i'm sort of like well how saucy is your camera roll because i probably have to to get a rude photo i'll probably have to scroll back um nine years and five phones to get anything saucy cropping up. So who are these sex people

that's constantly got naked photos of their partners on their phones? Because I think that's what they're alluding to, isn't it? Yeah, it is. Because what tends to happen is my daughter will scroll through the photos on my phone and she'll go, what's that? And it will be a screen-grabbed tweet

by a comedian that i've sent to other comedians yeah but mine will be more there'll be something rude especially when whatsapp groups used to go straight to the camera roll which is a death sentence that's that's mental that is yeah i'll start building your house on quicksand that yes it's only gonna end in it's only gonna end in trouble nothing's ever good come no you've never scrolled through your phone and gone oh good i'm I'll start building your house on quicksand, Matt. Yes, it's only going to end in trouble. Nothing's ever good. No, you've never scrolled through your phone and gone, oh, good, I'm glad that got saved from my WhatsApp.

Yes. I'm glad that's there. But, you know. What other tips have you got, Josh? Hello, just listening to the episode where you spoke about how to get your kids to like each other, especially once they grow up. There was eight years between my sister and I. We're really close now as grown-ups we talk daily i think the key is that the common ground has to be how annoying

your parents are that right is 70 of our bonding so just make sure you're really irritating when they're older and they will always have something to talk about oh so you can they can bond through your as a parent annoying behavior yeah it's gonna be difficult for me because i'm such a great chilled out version that they love i can't imagine i'd do anything that would frustrate them irritate them so it was a very good tip and i like you know i'm such a great dad they may not get on but you know sue me what can? Yeah. You'll just have a great relationship with them too, individually.

What I say though, but you'd want, you sort of, is it negative though to be bonded together through hate? Wow. Is it a positive relationship

if the main calling card is the frustrations and moaning about your parents? Is that? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if that, is that a positive uh thing

but i suppose if it brings you closer to your siblings why not yeah oh i tell you i haven't i haven't told you something rob talking about uh growing up i don't know how you haven't because i've spent so much time with you this week there can't be anything left it's the most stiff-necked news you've ever heard go on i've been offered a uh honorary doctorate by Exeter University. What for? My services to the performing arts. The services which entail you stood still on a stage talking about tap and go cash. So I'm going to have to wear a gown alright

and do a speech at graduation oh that's a high pressure gig how do you play it when are you doing it until you've accepted it it'll be next July or yeah it'll be the end of the year yeah

why did you say yes well because I've got a huge ego do you know what fair play self awareness is key huge ego. Do you know what? Fair play. Self-awareness is key. Have you ever been asked to speak at the Oxford and Cambridge Unions? Yeah, fuck that. Rather die.

I think, the problem is, I think the working class chip on my shoulder might engulf me. Oh, God. I'd be fuming. I'd be fuming I'd be fuming about it what's your views on the

council culture oh god stops comedians being able to fuck off fuck off no I haven't done that

but yeah it is but then maybe I'm being you know prejudiced before I've met these

individuals no no I've met Ivo and so I yeah I'm gonna have I've been, you know, prejudiced before I've met these individuals. No, no, I've met Ivo. And so, yeah, I'm going to have to do a speech next year dressed in a mortarboard and gown, which will be good. Oh, I can't wait for this. Good content for us. So who will be there?

So is people in the second year of? It'll be all the kids graduating. The current third years, essentially, that are graduating. Yeah, I suppose it'll be the current third years, yeah where is exit exit a cathedral no exit a great hall yeah where we do the gig yeah oh it's a good that's a good room for it that you can rip that room it is a good room yeah yeah um so oh that's where they graduate i thought they'd do it in the cathedral when i went to canterbury christchurch university college iterbury Cathedral? Yeah, it was nice, yeah. Anyway, I've got to do a speech

about what life is about and growing up. What is it? What are you going to talk about? Have you heard the song Sunscreen by... You're just going to read that out? I'm just going to read that out

with a beat behind me. If you want to watch a really good one of these people doing their speeches yeah um but i would warn you against it if you're about to do it in the great hall at exeter uh rick male gets an honorary doctorate oh yes at exeter it's exactly the same uh doctorate room. And he fucking smashes it. And I watched that and I was like, oh, I wish I could watch that. Oh, God, you're never going to be better than that, are you? No.

Well, yeah, there's cry. Why don't you cry? I can't just turn on the waterworks. I think you should cry. Yeah? And then it'd be, wow, that was really powerful. Why? Because he cried.

What am I crying about? It doesn't matter. Well, I'll tell you what other good ones are denzel washington does a good one and so does matthew mcconaughey oh really oh so they do great oh yeah of course they do yeah yes yeah so um give that give that what's sunscreen then is that i thought just a song or is that taken from a speech it's taken from a speech yeah it's taken from one of these oh who by just a woman that wasn't famous i think that did like a thing that went viral and then they say it to music it was a woman that wasn't famous so what they got was a man to re-voice it and not give her any credit yeah is that right yeah people say there's not a patriarchy yeah exactly bloody exactly. Bloody right on, brother. Do you think we should credit this woman that wrote this and delivered it?

Nah, I tell you what. Send it here. I'll re-voice it and churn it out as me own. Sunscreen by Baz Luhrmann. Baz. Good old Baz. And it was... Oh, no, it was an essay written as a hypothetical commencement speech,

which is what it's called, by columnist Mary Shim. Right, Mary Shim. Right, Mary Shim. Big up Mary Shim. She wrote it in the Chicago Tribune in June 1997, and then Baz Luhrmann recorded it with his own voice? I don't think it was Mary Shim. No. Because it says on Wikipedia that her voice was considered

too shrill and ugly. Really? No, it doesn't, no. No. Not't, no. Not publicly, anyway. That's why they did it. Yeah, yeah. The horrible men.

Right. Have you got any more tips? Or do you want to boomer? Yeah, no more tips. But it was a great special, guys. Do you know what? Send your tips in. We'll do another special. Do you want a work experience story?

Yes, please. Hi. Love hearing boomer stories. I also enjoy hearing about questionable work experience activities. So here's mine. I was 15 and I bagged one of the most sought-after placements at Salisbury Police Station.

Oh, I'm not sure I'd fancy that one. I genuinely think it was one of the best weeks of my life. I spent two days shadowing a bobby on the beat one day at hq and one day was csi which involved god and fingerprints of a 50 000 pound warehouse burglary fucking hell mostly epic stuff until the moment i was invited to spend two hours in the coroner's office oh my god i met by an old school homicide cop who gave me a ring binder he left the room saying i'll just leave this here do what you want with it it was a ring binder of murder pics i obviously looked and can still picture some of what i saw. I thanked the coroner for a great

experience and only realised how absolutely bonkers the whole thing was a few years ago. As if that wasn't wild enough, the day I was shadowing an officer on the beat, I was put in the back of the police car with someone who'd just been arrested for petty theft. Fucking hell!

He got in the car and said, alright darling, and we exchanged pleasantries back to the station turns out it's not okay is it no turns out my year was the last year they offered that placement for safeguarding reasons despite me never making any complaints at the time i genuinely thought it was great that is an incredible email right so we are headed into kids wanting to sit in the front of the car sort of old enough and big enough to sit in there but we just because there's two we always stick them in the back big day though we've we've undone the children's locks in the back of the car now oh have you yeah big day grown-up girls yeah big day because we'd get somewhere then they couldn't

get out yeah and then i thought actually this is actually quite dangerous because if there was ever a problem or a crash and they need to get out they're locked in and the only way you do it is from when babies don't just grab it like they're old enough to know not to yeah but yeah we've turned them off that is big we've i'll be honest with you i never knew how to turn them on so we just haven't had them well that's what happened to me until our two-year-old opened the door on the motorway. Oh, my God. I just felt it was loud and cold. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And it took me a second, you know, like in a disaster film,

when they sort of look around and they can't see the massive wave behind them or whatever it is. And then I pulled in and that's when I learned how to do it. There's a little, in the side door, there's a little switch you just put down. My son has got into climbing into the front seat and pretending he's us, which is very sweet. Yeah. What's he do? Just sat there moaning about his week and then...

Struggles to get... Shuffle. Struggles to get the Spotify to go through the speakers. You know what's terrifying? Sometimes I go on Spotify and I'm in a different place. I was at, when was it, the TV studio, and it's like, connect Spotify with Bose system, because there was like some sort of Bose speaker.

I did that, but there weren't one in my room. I was like, what the fuck am I pumping this out to then? You know when you're in a hotel and there's like 15 different options on Wi-Fi or speakers. Have I told you about, I mean, it's not a wide world. I've told you this story. It's so minor.

But when I was playing Spotify... Josh, the whole podcast is about minors. Yeah, yeah. Oh, very nice. Very nice. Yeah, that's nice, isn't it? I had people around. It wasn't a party, but it was a gathering.

Sure. Thanks for the invite. And this was about 10 years ago. Yeah, I knew you then. I went upstairs. Yeah, I went upstairs I went upstairs I left the, you know there was about 7 or 8 people there, I'd put music

on through the bluetooth speaker, I'd forgotten went upstairs for a shit and it's fine it wasn't pornography was it? No, it was worse I sat down on the toilet I was like, I'm just going to watch the snooker for a bit

i was a pot in a brown while you watch a brown bee potted oh here we go yeah yeah um and i was like why is the sound not working but of course everyone's just seen me disappear upstairs i actually think that's more embarrassing wanking yeah that's more embarrassing yeah and so they were just listening to snooker while you had a shit yeah and i was watching snooker in silence you know what actually next gathering i'm all right i'll leave it um that's bit that's nice bit of fun that could have been really awkward though couldn't really awkward really bad sleepover fail yes please hello sexy and relatable trio not sure if you're still doing bad sleepover stories looks like we are but i have one for you from my childhood when i was about 12 i had a friend

around to sleep over all was going well until it oh i'm so oh all was going well until the middle of the night that was bad wasn't? It was the worst sleepover. If you had to do a yawn in acting for a film, they'd go, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's cut. Cut, mate. That's too much. No one's ever been that tired. Come on, let's just settle down.

Let your nerves just... More natural, like someone would do it. Yeah, it was... No, you know, it was just more natural, like someone would do it. Yeah, it was... And you carried on the story like, oh, yeah, that's just a bit... On the subject of loud yawns, I do think my yawns are getting louder. Joe, it felt like you'd been reborn. I think it's a dad thing.

Because we're not getting any fucking... No one's getting any sleep when you've got kids, Josh. Do you know what I'd add to it? What's that? I think it's a dad thing that my yawns are getting louder and also my sneezes are more dramatic. Yeah. And my dad's sneezes were fucking insane. I'll tell you what I'm noticing. My pisses are more dramatic. Yeah. And my dad's sneezes were fucking insane.

I'll tell you what I'm noticing. My pisses. My pisses never stop, mate. I think I've stood up. When in the morning I get up and have a piss, I reckon I'll get another five minutes. Kip stood up just pissing. I can nod off again.

I'm there for hours. And the noise. I remember my dad's pisses being like, now I'm the dad pisser so i just it's horrible i'm there for ages i'm like such a waste of time yeah well you're looking at your phone presumably yeah i do look at my phone revving a piss and i think this is a problem it's so bad and i always think i might drop this do i do as well sometimes when i'm trying to get in the house,

I put my phone in my mouth. Yeah. If I'm running out of hands and I need the keys, and I think if this ring vibrates now, all my teeth are going to fall out. So terrifying. I sometimes, this is bad,

isn't it? Like I'll get up, I'll do it in the day. I'll go for a piss and I'll think, I'll look at my phone. Yeah. And then I'll think after about the day. I'll go for a piss and I'll think, I'll look at my phone. Yeah. And then I'll think after about 30 seconds, I haven't started pissing.

I've just been stood here with my knob out looking at my phone and I've forgotten to start pissing. I'm four years away from sitting down for every piss. Are you? I just think, why am I stood up still? It's messier. And there's a chance for a little sit here. I, yeah.

But I think it's a bit toxic masculinity. Because it's a bit, you're seeing it as a bit sort of weak, isn't it, to sit and piss? Well, it is, yeah. If you told me you're a set of piss, I don't know. But I'm actually against it. I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't do that. But I'm like, why don't I? Yeah, it is it is true it is true can i ask you a personal question rob yeah of course how are you with pissing in front of other men in a urinal um i'm not i'm not bad

actually it's it was weirdly worse before i did comedy and got on the telly became famous because it was like people will speak to me while i'm pissing basically it's sort of like um shock is it called shock therapy was it called where you have to do it so you sort of get through it that's the therapy where you just face your fear whatever it is um because people have asked for photos whilst i've had my knob out pissing or i've tried to shake my hand, or said hello, or stood not even next to me, behind me, over my shoulder, to the face chatting. It's like all bets are off now.

I can piss anywhere. I can sleep anywhere, piss anywhere, shit anywhere. I'm like a dog. Yeah. I've got no problems, no qualms now. What about you? I've been a slave to stage fright throughout my life. And is that still a problem?

I got through it, but then it's come back again recently. To the point where I'll just go to the cubicle because it's easier. Because what I don't want to have to do... Yeah. ...is... I think David Baddiel used to have a bit of material that really crystallised this, which is you'll be having a piss in the urinal,

and then someone will walk in and it'll give you stage fright and then you have to play out a kind of act out that implies your thought processes well i came in for a piss but now i fancy a shit. So I'm going to... Do you know what? Do you know what? Things have moved on. I'm going to... I don't need... I'm going to go for the cubicle.

I've never given up. So you've given up and gone in the cubicle before? I've given up and gone in the cubicle. No, I've never gone there. Do you know what I've done? I've given up and left. Unpissed. Oh, that's horrible.

Yeah. That'll get you down after a while you know what and this this is um this isn't part of the david deal thing sometimes i'll stand there i've got stage fright i know it's not going to happen and i think i've just got to stand it and we've both got pretend i'm pissing and then i'm going to leave under the guise that I've done the world's quietest piss. Yeah, so everyone knows you haven't pissed, Josh. Yeah. No one, no, there's never, there's quiet pisses.

There's never been a silent one. No. Ever. Even if you get it right on the side of the path. Both of us know. I'll even often give it a little shake. Oh. As if I've had a piss piss not to try and get it out this is well the only time i ever can't go is if i don't really need a piss but i'm bored of the conversation in the pub so i'll go for a piss but i don't really

need one but i just want to get out of that conversation then i sort of stand there and then i'm like i've forced myself down a blind alley of no piss in it. And now it looks like I get stage fright, but I haven't. I've just got no piss to give. Well, if you could email in your tips on stage fright,

that would be ideal because that would really tie up this episode perfectly. Yeah, because I think a lot of people, I mean, I don't know if women get it because you're in a cubicle. So surely there's none. But like, imagine, if you will, women,

that you're sat on that little toilet in a cubicle but there's a tiny little window like you're on an airplane yeah and someone's looking at you how do you how do you feel about it also as well but then there's another lower one where they if they want to they can bend their head and see your vagina because that's the problem you can just if you want to see a man's cock you can go in a toilet right now yeah any if you're near a toilet you want to see a man's cock, you can go in a toilet right now. Yeah. If you're near a toilet, you want to see a dick, go in there now and you'll see one.

I think they should just all just be cubicles. Yeah. All cubicles. I don't want to piss in a trough. No, I don't. I've got... I just don't... I don't care whatever...

I don't care about the gender stuff. No. Personally, I don't want to piss in a trough next to anyone or a urinal. Give me a door with a lock and I'll be an happy boy. That's all I want. Just from now on, new law, urinals are banned. Just have

cubicles. No one likes a urinal. I know we've got to finish up, but can we start the next episode by discussing the fact that Adrian Charles has got a urinal in his own house? That is absolutely insane. We'll talk about that next week. Fuck me.

Right, quick small business. Hi, Rob and Josh. My brother's just launched his business for scalp micropigmentation. Scalp micropigmentation, SMPMP is fundamentally a head tattoo without piercing the skin as deep as a traditional tattoo he creates a visual effect

of a hair follicle this provides an instant solution to hair loss or thinning by simulating the appearance of a buzz cut

so if you've got a bald head it can make you look like you've got a shave like Jason Statham who's that the comedian Frankie Allen has he

okay I think so you can find this guy's studio in Battle East Sussex Who's that? The comedian Frankie Allen. Has he? Okay. I think so. You can find this guy's studio in Battle, East Sussex, or at southcoastscalps.co.uk on Instagram, southcoastscalps. Keep being sex-relatable. That's Rachel. We obviously don't know if that's good for your head or not.

That's your decision. But they've set up a business, so it seems legit to me. But, yeah, at your own risk. Yeah, that's for all but um yeah they've set up a business so it seems seems legit to me but um yeah at your own risk yeah that's for all of these yes i've been listening to your podcast since 2020 and still loving it with my 18 year old and my three and a half year old can you please give me a small business shout out for my wonderful sister-in-law natalie handyside over lockdown like the name yeah really did it's good isn't it over lockdown. Like the name? Yeah, really did. It's good, isn't it? Over lockdown,

Nat created www.girlbe.club. It's a monthly subscription for girls aged seven to 12, which is aimed at promoting confidence in themselves and their purpose in the world. At Girl B has had a great feedback and that aims to have a boy and team version launched in the next few months. The current boxes will always have a girlby magazine an illustrated keepsake card of an icon a female role model and a collectible pin badge the boxes also include gifts which

reflect the theme of that month such as stationary jewelry crafts accessories bags pencils cases etc thank you and kind regards gugsugs. Gugs. Gugs. Gugs Handyside. Gugs Handyside. Well, sister-in-law so maybe not Gugs Handyside but maybe. That's www.girlbe.club We will be back on Friday. See you then. Bye. Bye.

Can I take a name please? It's me, Michael McIntyre. Hello. I'm back. Look at me now. With my brand new tour magnificent. Yee-haw. This is the guy. Where am I going?

Coming to a place near you. What do you want? Get set, go. And many other places nowhere near you. Come on, darling, let's go. No, no, no. For the last time, my name is Akin Kaka. Go to michaelmcintyre.co.uk for tickets.