Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP30: "When I drink from Lou's furry cup I vomit..."

Episode Date: November 3, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with is that you coughing yeah was right? Well, normally we play a clip, but you coughed into the mic and I can hear your child crying. Oh, sorry about the crying.

I just washed my son's hair. I literally at the last minute washed my children's hair because we're recording the day before they go back to school. This is an insane decision, by the way. school this is an insane decision by the way this because of our schedules of trying to be good parents and work we are recording after half term at 7 p.m on a sunday night it's carnage in my house it's fucking mental there's i had to do two hair washes because washing my son's hair is harrowing for both him and the adult so how long is his hair now uh well it's as long as it's never been cut yeah but that doesn't get help me with length does it oh can you hear him he's not happy um i'd say it's as long as um as long as it's never been cut oh yeah brilliant cool that's okay all right i'd say steve mcmanaman when he had longer hair do you remember that yeah yeah okay i get it yeah okay yeah he's a pain in the bum

watching my but my girls have got long hair but one's got longer hair than the other and the longer the hair the like anything the bigger the hassle yeah he's absolutely kicking off he doesn't even know he's going back to nursery tomorrow i mean that's a bit of an obvious statement but i've read an obvious statement today i've got a fire right in our new house has we got a fireplace but it's not like a wood one or like a gas it's a bio ethanol one which means that it doesn't get enough give off loads of heat but it looks quite good and it doesn't make anything smelly or stain anything right yeah it's run out um so i googled it and i was like trying to work out what one to get where to get it from how much to put in and so and it says

how much biofuel to use and it said if you put in half a liter it won't it won't burn as long as a liter in some cases it'll burn for half the amount of right and then it said also be careful not to fill it up beyond the maximum capacity I was like who's reading who's just chugging it

anyway Josh we didn't play the clip oh yeah let's play that's what you supposed you coughed all I can hear is my son kicking off

yeah but you can look compartmentalise come on just pull the barriers compartmentalise you're not pull the barriers down compartmentalize i'm not the only one in the house are you he's rose in rose and her mum are downstairs oh that's true that can deal with that i know but her mum was filling in a survey about fermented foods during the whole thing which was not good timing what's wrong with her nothing why is she filling

out a survey about fermented foods because she's part of a study about fermented foods. Do you know what? Surveys can fuck. I hate surveys. When I get an email going, please fill in a survey about how we did, like from a shoe shop. Oh, yeah, of course. I'll give you money.

You give me shoes. That's the end of our contact. Fuck off. Who's filling those in? I mean, being a part of a study about fermented foods may be the stiffest neck thing that's ever happened, Josh. Is she getting paid to do it? Well, I don't know. I think she might be getting free

extra months on her free pickles. Free kimchi. She's got a light worth of kefir. She's off and at them kimchi. She thinks she's in Korea downstairs. Anyway, shall we play the clip? Yeah.

Yeah. Am I playing it? Yes, you fucking idiot. You said you had it. I thought you said you had it. No. Oh, my God. This is the worst return after two weeks off.

It's not two weeks off, is it? This is first day of the season. We've already fucked it. It's not two weeks off, is it? It's revision and then this is the exam. Felix, please say Rod Beckett. Rod Beckett. Please, Felix, please say Josh Willicum. Josh Willicum.

There you go. One child teaching another. Oscar 5 teaching Felix 3. Talking stiff necks. They are right from my neck. Oh, they are. Poshos. We are very late to the podcast

party but at least that means we can binge listen and not have to wait between episodes only you guys can make us laugh out loud in the quiet coach of the commuter train stay sexy and relatable josh keep gobbling that porridge i haven't been gobbling porridge for a while actually jason and chloe we've converted to pancakes jason what's happened happened to Jason? Jason's married up. He's married a Chloe. Chloe, a bit worried that her name's a bit chavvy because people call her Chloe, probably Jason's cousins. And now she's gone, right, we're going to have to draw a line in the sand here. We're going for Oscar and Felix. It's a new dawn.

Yeah. Fucking hell, my son's still kicking off, Rob. Well, what's the issue? You just don't want to go to bed? It's two and a half. And sometimes when you lose it when you're two and a half, he is just starting to have really big breakdowns. Okay.

What's he doing? Overcommitting to jobs in TV? He's got Live at the Apollo tomorrow. I'm pointless. Josh, I'm so excited to talk to you because I love my children, but a long time of them. My daughter, and she's seven, has just had a meltdown about going to bed.

She said, I just don't want to. I went, why not? She went, I'm too tired about going to bed. And I just went, I don't know what to do. You're in bed. All the energy you've got to muster is to not be awake. I'm so tired, Rob. Half terms a week.

Right. I've been writing notes on my phone, Rob. What are we going to do? What's the best way of approaching this? Do you want me to tell you how my holiday started? Because I went to Florida to Disney. Of course you did. And you went to Puglia.

Of course you did. Puglia. Puglia. Puglia. Puglia. Puglia. Puglia. Italy. let's call it italy did the kids have fun with that name uh they weren't interested what it's called you went to something called puglia and your kids didn't want to know do you know what there was a lot of toilet humor from

them but of course you've gone to puglia yeah but i i didn't hear that in particular they kept i think they thought it was called it i don't think really they just they didn't hear that in particular. I think they thought it was called Italy. I don't think really. They didn't nail down the location. Well, they weren't discussing which region of Italy we were going to. Okay, so the word Puglia didn't come up because my kids have been all over Puglia. Yeah, yeah. Right, well, do you want me to go? I tell you what, there's been a lot going on.

Why don't we go through yours? Because I think what the country's looking for is your third take on Disney. because I think what the country's looking for is your third take on Disney. Still like it. Still like it. There was a change though because I went on a scary ride. Right.

So, and then if we'll see how that goes and if we overshoot, we'll just do me next time. How's that sound? That sounds like a good idea. Okay. Because I'll just tell you now, I'll just do me next time. How's that sound? That sounds like a good idea. Okay. Because I'll just tell you now, I've got my daughter's birthday, I've got a trip to Legoland, a trip to Puglia and a bath time.

That's great. And also, I don't want anyone accusing me of trying to get cheap bioethanol fuel by bringing up that I've run out. I will be buying that myself, most probably from a website for about three quid. So that's not a shout out. Do you want to know how my holiday started, Josh? We've been quite busy. Can I just close this door?

Yeah. There you go. It'll stop crying soon. Poor little guy. We're on eight minutes. So how do you feel when he's crying? That's not what the worry about that is. I've got an exact timer on his crying because of when we started the episode.

Are you trying to do cry out then or something? Or what do you do when they cry? No, he's not. No, Rob. He's with humans. Oh, he's with people. Yeah. Have you thought about not being with him?

I just left him in a room like that. Fucking hell, Rob. He's just got out of the bath and he's fucking livid. Right. Because he didn't like the bath and he's just got the terrible twos tantrums. Yeah, exactly. He's with people. He's not having to taste fermented fruit

and give his feedback, is he? No, he's not, no. Okay, that's good. Would you say you've got more or less... Are you sure that's not your mother-in-law? Would you say you've got more or less anger after this kimchi? Kimchi, do you know what? I don't mind a bit of kimchi, but I can eat a full bowl of love. Would you say you've got more or less anger after this kimchi? Kimchi.

Do you know what? I don't mind a bit of kimchi, but I can eat a full bowl of it. I love it. It's fucking love. No, you're not meant to eat a full bowl of it. They do in Korea, mate. Do they? Oh, they'll gobble up a whole bowl of it, mate.

Kimchi goblets. Oh, can I have some kimchi? Can I have some kimchi? Just a bowl of kimchi. What? One dinner, I had a bowl of black bean sauce. That's all it was. Should I go

and check on him? Well, no, there's two adults with him, Josh. I say three's a crowd. Yeah, well, my daughter's with him as well.

Oh, right, okay. It's just terrible twos. It's just twos. He is, I would say, an incredibly chilled out guy, but when he loses it, he fucking loses it.

It feels like you're doing the press for Boris Johnson. Ultimately, he's a great guy. Well, no, my trip started, Josh, with... I was working, we were doing that panel show together with Alison Hammond. Saving panel shows. I landed at 6am this morning. Right, so what time is it for you?

In America time? I don't know. It's about 2pm. About 2pm. But I'm tired because it was a late flight. Holiday started where I'd been really busy and we flew out and I didn't finish work like till the night before. So I got home late to pack and then I'm trying to pack for like a holiday. And anyway, I picked up a,

one of Lou Stanley cups of them big water things. Yeah. Drunk it. Yeah. For that immediately. That was weird. Yeah. She went,

what have you just done? I went drunk, but your drink was by her bed. She went, that's been up here weeks. I thought the taste, I thought of that tastes a bit like mold looked in it. The mold I thought the taste, I thought that tastes a bit like mould, looked in it, the mould is single-use.

Right? I'm fucking up. How's it been up there weeks? What is it, my car? I was like, also, why by the bed? Put it on the floor or by the toilet or somewhere like, or just empty it, or fucking empty it and take it down, Josh, is the other option.

Yeah, that's the other option. Anyway, so I was like, oh, God. And I was like, I'm getting on a flight tomorrow. I thought, in the time it took for me to go, I think I should make myself sick to get that out of my stomach because I'd drunk quite a lot of it. My body had already started being sick. Oh, my God.

I've never immediately been sick before. Do you think that was psychosomatic, like, because you knew, or do you think it was? I Googled it. You can immediately vomit. And I've never had that before. It was horrible. You'd get that with salt water, can't you?

Like, if it's that bad, it just comes back out. Yeah, it just, straight away, your body just, basically, your body rejects it. I've never seen Lou try to hold in a laugh as much, but also pretend to care. Did you get to the toilet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in the bathroom. I was by the bathroom. This is mental, my son.

Can you hear this? Yeah. Can't they take him out for a walk or something? I just need to check. I just... Yeah, okay, go down. I don't know what it achieved by me saying everything. I think it's worth a go.

And I'm interested to hear Rosie's response. As you shuffle down with your AirPods in. Is everything okay? No, it's not okay. The kid keeps fucking screaming, Josh. While you're up there pretending. It's louder with the door open, isn't it? Oh, here comes Josh.

I think he sorted it all out. It seems to have stopped, Josh. Well, no, it wasn't my doing. What did they do? Well, he's very tired. Yes, tired yes yes of course he's dropping his nap oh here we go and it's combined with um obviously i hadn't realized it is 8 20 his time not 7 20 because the clock's going back oh so you're putting it down an hour past his bedtime yeah right and you forgot the clocks no no well, in my head I'd forgotten the clocks,

but obviously he's fucking knackered. Yeah, of course. And then I've basically waterboarded him with shampoo and then I've gone and done a podcast. Josh, let's talk about your day and then we'll get back to holiday. It feels like your day's been stressful. No, it's just been stressful since we got back from the holiday. When did you get back? Friday evening, 10 hours from Italy all all in 10 hours we had one of those

drivers back no but it's like two and a half hours before the flight get the flight the flight was delayed we had to sit for an hour etc etc we got one of those taxi drivers on the way home have you ever had one of these guys where they can't maintain a consistent speed so they go say they want to go 65 this is very new i'm sticking with you and i'll hit it and then they'll take their foot off slowly decrease what would they do so this is the sound of it yeah i'll give you i'll give you a yeah i'll give you like a 20 seconds of what I'm experiencing. Okay. Okay. Have you had one of those, guys? You're on 15 seconds, mate.

Give us the other five. He's not able to go. have a fun um so he's not able to go what you need is like the right speed yeah but he's accelerating to get there like someone kind of pushing a kind of box along a street or something like have you ever had one of those people it makes you feel fucking sick i tell you that's what it makes you feel am i going mad you that's what it makes you feel i'm not going mad have you had someone who drives like that mike you've cut me out immediately right i had it once going from jfk to manhattan and i got out of the taxi and i was sick at the porter's feet there you go so you be i just wanted to check on the camera. I have had that before.

I had to get out and walk. I've told this story before. I said to the – we were stuck in traffic, and I was so sick from it because he kept doing the – you know, that thing. And I went, it's all right, mate. I'll walk from here. It was about half an hour, but I thought I'd rather just walk. And then I walked for about 10 metres, and then I was sick in a skip

because I was like – and then he pulled meters and then I was sick in a skip. Because I was like, what? And then he pulled up alongside me because he was in the traffic. He went, are you all right? I thought, I've not been sick in a skip, mate. What do you think? And then he said, I've been doing this job 20 years at one point. I thought, how?

Like, surely you can maintain a consistent pressure in your foot by now. Like, but's neither here nor there then we had a very stressful week no how was the flight with a two and a half year old because that's that's pre-ipad isn't it like that's earlier than my rule of no holidays till they're four it was great on the way back because he he was totally fine he slept for an hour and a half and then he just watched the ipad oh that's's all right. And on the way there, there was a lot of walking up and down, but that was fine. People saying, hello, are you Josh Willicombe? Well, I did warn you this was going to happen, that we were on with another family that we were going on holiday with

and they were in standard class and we were in Club Europe. Right, okay, which means you get a bit of extra space and a bit of food, don't you? You get the middle bit. You don't get the Nutri-Grain bath thrown at your head from about three rows down. So they were literally the front row of Standard and we were the back row of Club Europe,

so there was just a curtain in between us. Could you talk? Yeah, I'd stick my head through. Don't worry about me, I'm still one of the guys. How's it shaking back there? They did warn me that someone on the flight had taken a photo of my head sticking through the curtain. Oh, I want to see that photo.

Oh, no. So it's just a play with my head. How was BA? All right? All good? No cancellations? No cancellations. Bari airport's intense. I tell you that for free. You have to do an extra.

Do you know what? I don't think anyone would pay. I don't know. I've got a tour coming up in a couple of years. Patreon, eight quid to hear Josh's views on Bari Airport. Why is it intense? So you go through. Yeah.

You get to the departure lounge thing with all the cafes and then you get to the gate and there's another passport check right to go in the gate and there was a queue snaking back and on it it was saying last call and people were going fucking mental in panic. And then someone turned up about 10, like really late. And I felt fucking elated because I thought, you know that at least I'm not him feeling. But you made the flight. We all made the flight. And then it was kept on the runway for an hour. How was it sharing with people in a villa?

All good? Well, we'll come to this, Rob. We'll freeform it. we'll freeform it. I want to hear about you throwing up. I want to hear about you throwing up. I was sick. I drank moldy water and I was sick. That was the start of my holiday. Were you fine after? Did you just kind of

expel it and then back to normal? It took a little while. I didn't have dinner that night. I knew I'd been through something Yeah It was so horrible Josh I can

When I close my eyes I can still taste it It's so furry Oh fuck And what happened to the cup? Is the cup completely disposed of? Well no I put it on the side

I washed it out a bit Which I thought I'd washed it all out I left it on the side I come back more mould in it I'm going to have to throw it out Oh my god I don't have Lou down As a cup keeper rose has a go at me for keeping my cups on the bedside table yeah i

have lou down as the kind of person that would take us down in the morning i would say uh when it comes to lou in a furry cup i'd say she um sorry sorry that is your own drink that is my kind of humor when i drink from lose fairy cup i vomit um well i'd say learn this is very delicate for me to say because she does listen and or people will say title's gonna be a weird one for low isn't it when it comes out or people will tell her even if i don't say um she i say is quite she's so quiet you know she's like uber sir you know uber and uber surges yeah where sometimes it was like eight quid or three hundred thousand pounds right it's a bit like she's like that with tidying and cleaning it can either be the most pristine place in the world or it's just gonna be messy

now but i never really know when the light when when the change happens kind of thing so yeah but it was the lead up to holiday so it was a bit of a messy yeah yeah yeah kind of thing in in loose defense of her cup um anyway we flew virgin all good no problems whatsoever no delays um there was a guy on the way back called josh right? And he reminded me so much of Tom Allen. He was very camp, but also very like meticulous. You know what Tom's very like, loves to present. He was impeccably dressed. He was so lovely as well, this guy, Josh.

He was brilliant. Big up Josh at Virgin. But he was so sort of like smiley and sort of happy and pure. And I'm not saying Tom Allen isn't, but he basically was Tom Allen without hate. Tom Allen's got a bit, he can turn. He's got,

he's the loveliest guy you'll ever meet, Tom. But if someone, he grew up in Southeast London. If someone has a guy, he can turn on him. Whether it's Josh Guy, he felt like the pure version of Tom.

Well, he grew up in Southeast London as Tom Allen. He's part of a lot of shit. Exactly. Anyway, so that, that was all good. I'd love to see you in Florida doing the Disney parks, right? Because I genuinely think that, I don't think, I think you'd pass out. Yeah.

I think you'd, you know, like in Glastonbury, they have to take people to the tent when they've done too many drugs and it's overwhelming. I think you'd have to go to some sort of rescue because it is so, it is sought on all the senses. And I don't know if i i think you and rose would lose your head i'll be honest lego land was quite intense for me right well talk us through lego land what happened lego land we went to lego land and um it wasn't rose rose was in cornwall okay so so who went just you and the two kids rose's mum came came. Right, okay. Me, two kids. Rose's mum came to help with the childcare.

And then... And Charlie and his dad, Tom. And Charlie's obsessed with roller coasters. Right. He loves roller coasters and magic, but he's constantly doing magic tricks. He's obsessed with magic. On roller coasters?

No, he's obsessed with magic and roller coasters. okay as his dad tom says two of the coolest things you could be into um yeah my daughter went on the pirate ship initially the part the swinging pirate ship yep yeah didn't like it didn't like it no do you like rides i thought i liked rides i i've always done every ride that i have to do right okay is that out of peer pressure yes okay i've never really admitted that to myself and then we did a roller coaster that i would say was tame she didn't like that either i don't know something about a dragon or something i don't know like give you an idea of the speed of it yeah my son went on it and he's two and a half and then she basically decided she

didn't like the rides just fair enough yeah good on her legoland is a lovely place i will say that but we did then split up from tom and charlie and we went on the um the carousel three times you messaged me saying that like you're at legoland but she doesn't like any rides and then you've realized you don't like rides well what i realized is it was actually quite an important day in my life rob okay i realized that i've done all these roller coasters and stuff throughout my life for fear of people judging me but actually actually i don't like and i was incredibly proud of her that she just decided she didn't like them straight away i was like fucking hell she saved herself 30 years of i went to dubai to do a gig three or four years ago i remember

you went up a big building with jack d no that was a different gig and we went to a ride that's an elevator yeah we went to a fucking theme park in the middle of nowhere and i had to go on all the rides because there was no queues and i had a terrible time and i had to pretend i was enjoying it so do you get anxious or scared on them i just don't enjoy it i don't mind it i'm just like i, I don't understand what, what is this? Why am I meant to enjoy this? I don't want to be scared. I'm just, I'm quite happy. Stood still, thank you very much.

Like, my daughter loves doing gymnastics and swinging herself around bars and all that kind of stuff. Things where I'm like, you're going to, that's quite dangerous. She doesn't mind if she's in control, but there's something about being on the roller coaster that she doesn't like. Do you know what I mean? Just the sitting there.

We have no control, don't you? Yeah. That's just the whole point. This is weird. So I'm the complete opposite of you now. I never went on any rides. You've come into them. Right, because I was scared.

It was all anxiety. Again, because I couldn't be in control of it and I'd have panic attacks before I went on. Yeah. And then this time I was sort of again because I couldn't be in control of it and I just I'd have panic attacks before I went on yeah and then this time I was sort of making sure I was breathing and going for it and force myself on and I'll be honest with you I did not enjoy the first time around and I've got the photographic evidence to prove it you can see it on my Instagram but then when I went on again I absolutely loved it because in a way it's quite freeing because you just surrender to it completely because one you have no control but there is no there is no control to be had you are literally just you're just like a lifeless mass

being thrown through the world yeah yes but in a way there's it's a metaphor for life isn't it but we're just stuck on a revolving thing that's going way faster the roller coaster and we don't really have any control over it but do you know what i don't need rob is a metaphor for my life when i'm already living it the way i felt about it was like because i used to really hold on and cling on on a roller coaster i'm like well the whole point of the bars is that that's doing that so i just sort of held it loosely was breathing and i didn't enjoy the first one round but then after the others i loved it and now and now i've really got into them josh you're not going to become one of those fucking weirdos

are you I haven't got any time for them Rob what's that the grown-ups that go and rollercoaster spotting I mean I enjoy a rollercoaster I don't think I want to go spotting them also there's one that's 300 feet in the air but they'll go like you know the roller coaster collectors the gondola roller coasters no look

I enjoy them but if Lou and the girls didn't want to go I don't think I'll be pushing for the holiday but what I felt I missed out on so basically

because I hated them and I was working my way up the levels in Disney and then Universal we went to this year that we got to a point where the one there was one that I

had a panic attack on last year with Blue that I just sort of burst into tears and got all stressed but then my daughters went on that as the first ride and I was waiting at the exit and I'm like, this is awful. I've got a whole couple of weeks of this and then they came off so happy and I just weren't a part of it and I felt like

watching a film, you know like when the main character dies and you just have to watch his family exist without him. I was like, well, that's what I'm doing, but I'm alive. And I was like, the only person stopping it's me and my mind. So I forced myself on him and I loved it by the end, but it was intense. And also that I've worked out, Josh, I'd rather be scared for two minutes

and spend 35 minutes to an hour waiting by the exit and have photos of, no offence, British tourists for an hour. Because I'm waiting there and basically every 30 seconds, another 25 tourists come out. I go, all right, Rob. And I'm like, hello, what are you doing here? Just waiting for my kids. Don't you like the rides?

No, not really. Actually. Oh, yeah. You feel the adrenaline, but actually I don't really like them. Cause I'm quite anxious about them.

I think I've got a pain body cause I've done therapy actually. And I'm going to try and next week I'm going to breathe and try and get on them. Yeah. Quick picture. No worries. So I just said to myself, I'm just going to do it.

But my girls aren't tall enough yet to do the big big scary ones so i've done roller coasters but i've not done the velocicoaster and hulk and stuff like that in all the photos because i'm so scared in them on the second or third time run i've tried to look happy and some of them i am happy because i'm enjoying it but there's some that no matter what I do, my face is just... The Tron one, because it goes so fast. My eyes, I'm desperately trying to keep my eyes open, but I want to shut them. But that's why I did them.

One was a challenge to myself. Yeah, but this is the thing. I've been challenging myself. I've been doing them for 25 years. Yeah, because if you don't like them, that's fair enough. But I enjoy it. I like going fast. Oh, God, no.

I told you about my taxi drive. He would not like Tron. But I just sort of think, this is my new way of thinking. Because on aeroplanes, when they have turbulence, I'm never scared. And now on roller coasters, I sort of just like go, well, if I die, I die, don't I? And I probably won't. Because about 3,000 people go on this every day. Yeah.

But I'm into them now, though. But we've swapped, Josh. We've swapped. One door opens, one closes. Exactly. I think you'll change your mind, though, when your kids get older and they want to go on them because – No.

Do you know what it is? They have so much excitement, though, the kids, and adrenaline. What if my kids – Rob, I think this is the thing. Kids are different. I never liked them. Right. Well, my kids are sick heads and do all of it, right? I know, yeah.

I'm hoping to God that I've got two absolute nerds, but not nerds in the sense they like roller coasters. Well, so my daughters, right, when we was in Disney, Tron and Guardians of the Galaxy. Now, I think Tron, you have to be 48 inches tall, and my youngest was just 48 inches with a pair of sketches trainers on and when we were there they were like oh yeah she just fits on and we were like oh when we go to universal make sure we take those trainers because they've got a bit of a heel

on them you know anyway we go to universal our favorite rides that popeyes one where you get absolutely soaked i don't know if i spoke to you about this before but it's amazing if you're going to universal don't tell anyone and take them on the Popeye's ride because you literally come out soaking wet. And we put flip-flops on the kids, not thinking, because they're in a buggy all day. They don't need their trainers to walk around, right? Anyway, we get to like the Hagrid ride.

What do you mean the buggy? So you can hire buggies to put the kids in because there's so much walking. Josh, on Monday, we did 25,000 steps. Fucking hell, Rob, this sounds hellish. It was 18 kilometres. Oh, my God. 11 miles we walked one day.

Fucking Nora. But the kids are in buggies, right? So we put them in buggies with flip-flops. We get in the park. All of a sudden, my youngest can't go on a load of rides. Oh, because she's not tall enough? Yeah. Oh, my God.

So what did you do? So they were selling Crocs, which give you an extra inch. Bought us some Crocs. In a sole? Couldn't find it in a sole. But we could find seven pairs of socks. Fucking hell. That's amazing.

That is incredible. Because she was tall enough in a normal but the flip so small so she was safe to go on it and then but so she had these socks and she was walking around like almost like blowing in the wind because she was and then on that ride on the hagrid one ones again you're on hagrid's motorbike you're in the sidecar but yeah on the motorbike you get thrown around a bit more and it's a bit more hairy so he put her in the sidecar and then she was like can I go on the motorbike

and I was like um maybe not maybe next year when we haven't put seven pairs of socks on but I think that she was the right height in her normal shoes it's just we took the shoe you know anyway but that was I didn't know if that was good parenting or not.

Did you have to buy the seven pairs of socks? Well, we had four. Did you buy them in increasing sizes? No, no. Or were they all the same size? No, so it actually worked out quite well because we all had, all the girls had spare socks.

It was with another family and their two daughters who were a little bit older. So the socks did increase in size, but luckily. So we sort of bought a couple of pairs. So the socks did increase in size, but luckily. So we sort of bought a couple of pairs. What were her feet like by the end of the day?

Were they not hot? I don't know how to say. At one point it looked like she had something, she looked like she had a condition with her feet that I think someone on the ride would go, they would more likely go, that child's got a foot condition. Yeah. That means that the foot is bigger or swollen. If anything,

they might just let us go straight to the front more so than question the height. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's what we were looking at there. But anyway, it was only for one ride anyway,

the Hagrid's one, which we did, which is amazing. But I think Josh, if you went to Disney, you would change your mind. Disney and Universal, if you went there and went on the rides, you'd change your mind because they are a different level. The interesting thing is we will never know.

You've got to tell your kids at some point. No, I haven't, Rob. Do you really not think they'd enjoy it? Rob, different strokes, different folks. Yeah, so you'll never go to Disney and Universal, you don't think? I'd never say never, but I'm not fussed. Is Rose bothered? She went to...

No. I'd say that. You know the word unequivocal? I was like, unequivocal, no. If they want to go we definitely go each to their own each to their own Josh but do you know what Rob

yeah I got a text from my friend and it said and she follows us both on Instagram she said you and Rob could not have gone on two more different holidays

yeah and I thought that's why the fucking podcast works my friend I mean don't get me wrong I'd like Poolea with Lou gone on two more different holidays yeah and i thought that's why the fucking podcast works my friend i mean i i don't get me wrong i'd like pulia with lou but the thought of taking the kids to pulia well should i do a brief start to the pulia give us a bit of pulia take you through pulia it actually i think i could probably do it all quite quickly we had a masaria which is like an old farm that's been

converted into a place it had loads of bedrooms there was four families who've never been on holiday together before that is a risk i'm glad it works but that is high risk it was a huge risk four girls of six yep who i'm gonna say i did basically i didn't speak to my daughter more than twice a day for the whole week. Yeah, that is good. They just run off and play. It was so mad.

She just couldn't have had less interest in me. Two of the dads, incredible cooks, Rob. Lovely. The kind of people. They went to the market in the morning and just bought produce and then cooked a meal from it. Oh, fuck them one of them he was like oh we've got some fennel here should i just make a great time i'll tell you

what you shove that fella up your fucking ass mate give me a pizza and a bottle of red wine and shut the fuck up it's poolia time mate i don't want your fennel i've not come here for a 40 year old bloke from hackney to cook me fucking dinner i want that fat italian bloke be on the bar there to knock me up some pasta pronto. Yeah, you wouldn't have fitted him. Me and Lou would be straight on our little WhatsApp. Fucking hell, that cunt's gone and got fennel. What are we doing?

What's going on? The fennel was there, Rob, when we arrived. Oh, you already had fennel in the mascarilla? It was like, you know, when you arrive somewhere, they put some fennel out. Who puts fennel out?

Well, there was some onions, some fennel, some tomatoes. And I was like, well, that fennel out well there was like some onions some fennel and i was like well that fennel's not do you have a swimming pool is it before i know it someone else is knocking up a gratin yeah we did have a swimming pool rob oh that's good if you've got a swimming pool the kids should i tell you about the bad day because it was a lovely experience sure it was a lovely experience all in a little difficult at times because everyone was drinking there was points when i just took myself away that was quite nice i forget you don't drink yeah yeah um and so that was fine though that was fine interesting actually rob that i realized you you take yourself away quite a lot don't you you just need to do that i've really got into that yes i

do a little bit of caveman time of just me on my own and not even from like another just like a far away from my own wife and children yeah yeah yeah totally and you know what yeah it's interesting is it because rose doesn't know whether i do need that time or whether i'm just taking some time away selfishly but i should say i'm being honest every time i just like that if you need you need a bit of time on your own it's healthy you can't just be if you're with someone have to be with them all the time when people go I should say I'm being honest every time. I just like that. If you need a bit of time on your own, you need a bit of time on your own. It's healthy. You can't just be, if you're with someone,

you have to be with them all the time. When people go like, oh, when something bad happened, they're my rock, they're right by my side. I'm like, yeah,

that's great. But also, you know, you come in this world on your own, you leave on your own. Get on with it. Bloody hell, Maggie Thatcher.

No, sometimes I've been like. I was joking. I was joking. Get on with it for me, love. Well, I sometimes, I'll be like, I'm going to go out for breakfast, and Rose will go, oh, that'd be nice.

Shall I come? And I'll be like, no. What? No, I wouldn't go out for breakfast. I'm talking about I'd go off for lunch. No, not on holiday. Not on holiday. I sometimes listen to a podcast for 20 minutes on my own in the garden.

I'll go upstairs on holiday. I'll go upstairs. I'm going to go off away for the night, actually. No, no, no, no. I mean, it's at home. Sometimes I'll go, I'm going to nip out and get some breakfast. And Rose will go, oh, should we go for a walk together? And I'll think, is that bad?

But she knows that. She looks at me and she goes, no yeah i think i think that's fine as you're communicating that with each other that it's not her so you need a bit of your own head space to work so i'll take you through the bad day i'll take you through the bad day this was the friday we were coming back friday so it was the thursday the final day yeah so we mainly spent time hanging around at the place, the villa, masaria, whatever you want to call it, swimming pool, et cetera.

Lovely. Fennel. Fennel. Local produce. The guys that were good at cooking, Rob, sometimes it'd be 11 in the morning and one of them would just be knocking up a stew. It was like a different world, Rob. I don't want to go on holiday and have stew. It was like a different world, Rob. I don't want a stew.

I don't want to go on holiday and have stew. It's not 1950s Yorkshire. It's 2023 and I'm in Italy getting pizza on Deliveroo. So, the Thursday, we're all going to the beach. It's our last day. I don't like going to the beach.

I'm... Like driving to the beach parking up carrying all this shit i don't want to say to you i could easily say to you your daughters love the beach you've got to go to the beach for them what they don't they refuse to go exactly because they're your daughters and mine's mine the apple never falls far from the tree it's very different one when we were coming back from our on our last day right there were all the kids that we had to leave at midday from the the villa it was an evening flight so kids were already dressed right and they'd had

breakfast and then andy one of the blokes or the bloke the dad in the family went away with his absolute liability uh she was going i'm hungry i'm hungry we're gonna go out for lunch a minute and he went there's an ice cream left in the freezer. I'm like, brilliant. It's 11 a.m. Who tells a kid there's an ice cream left when they're in the only outfit they've got for the plane? Anyway, I said, so you can have it, but you've got to take your clothes off

like that because I don't want it to get, you know, it was warm enough. So she took her top off and I went, you are not getting this ice cream until you take your trousers off, which doesn't look great in an email sorry go on you're going to the beach yeah so we go to the beach we drive there that was the only time me and rose realized that we got to spend just the two of us because the kids fell asleep in the back we weren't sleeping in the same room on holiday well we didn't for two weeks yeah it's weird we had we had we get two beds where we were in the hotel room so i had a kid they had the lou had a kid exactly that's the same same thing you know what they don't want to sit they don't want me though which one do you get well i

got um my son because he was already asleep so he didn't have an option once i came in right so ours go back at the same time, have options, neither of them wanted to sleep with me. Both wanted to sleep with me. Absolutely not. No way at all. Then they went, it's because Daddy farts. So I said, okay, if I fart in bed, you get a dollar.

Yeah. My eldest straight in the bed. I was about $48 down first week. Well, yeah, to give you an idea of how much my kids didn't want to be the one in my room by the last three nights of the holiday it's rose and the two kids and i've got a room to myself so um anyway we drive to the beach get there we've got sun lounge those beds it's brilliant there's a restaurant the four girls go off and play with my son i'm like this is fucking brilliant i brought a book i'm gonna have a brilliant time

yeah then they lose interest in my son he basically had quite a shit holiday i think compared to my daughter that's the problem isn't it if she's got mates if he hasn't got mates of the same age you're screwed exactly yeah yeah exactly. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I'm playing with him. I'm like, he won't let my wife out of his sight. He, for some reason, hates her going in body. He doesn't like water or the beach like you. Good lad. He doesn't like my wife. He doesn't like my wife going in the water.

He doesn't like her going in the water. No, so he freaked out when she went in the swimming pool. No, I didn't like the bath. Oh, and then he was going to freak out because she wanted to go in the sea. Oh, that's horrible. Poor Rose. Imagine that. She's in Puglia. She's had a fennel sandwich.

She's popped to the beach. Wants to have a quick dip because she's hot and her son's crying because she don't like that. What about you in the water? Well, I can't swim either, Rob, can I? So there wasn't much chance of that. Don't forget you can't swim. No, but I can go in the water. But you can't swim. He Rob, can I? So there wasn't much chance of that. Don't forget you can't swim. No, but I can go in the water.

I can go in the water. But you can't swim. He doesn't give a fuck about me. If there were goggles at the bottom of the pool, could you dive in, swim down and get them and come back out? No, but I could flick them up with my foot and catch them. Why did you never, you just never did it at school? I was allergic to chlorine.

Oh, yeah. Every time I forget, every time. It's funnier. You must have told me that 10 times. Are you still allergic to chlorine then? No. No. You know how your skin's much more reactive when you're a child?

Yes, yeah. Yeah. It's on my list of things to do. Anyway, my son's kicking off. And then my wife just wants to go and have lunch, but he won't let... I'm like, this is a write-off. I'm just going to take him back on my own. Rose and my daughter can go in with one of the other families on the way home.

I'll just take the hit on this one. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. That's nice. Yeah. So I drive back he is furious to be split up from rose who he's obsessed with at the moment 20 minutes of him crying straight on the car i'm like this is i've

made the worst decision in the world yeah till eventually he falls asleep on the way home how how far is the beach from the house? Hour drive. Oh, fucking hell. You've done that on one of the days. Different strokes. You walked 16 miles, mate, with a truck of kids. Yeah, but with fun in between. I sat and listened to a history podcast for an hour on my own in a car.

That was all right. I went backwards with Peter Quill listening to September on Guardians of the Galaxy, Josh. I don't know who Peter Quill is. I didn't until I got on the ride. And then I fist-bumped an American man at the end of the ride. He went, great ride, dude. I went, yeah.

I didn't know what else to do, but I fist-bumped him. Anyway, so we get back to the place. He's asleep in the car and I'm like, this is some time on my own. I can't, I'm not going to wake him here. Right. So yeah, that's good. So I sit in the car and I'm fucking starving. Just thinking about a big old bowl of stew.

By the way. What stew was it? I rented the wrong, it was tofu. I rented the wrong. This is fucking shit. You've wasted a fucking week of your life, mate. Next time, I'll tell you how much money to put in my account and I'll take you away.

And you will have the time of your life. He's not veggie, but he made it for me and his wife, who are veggie, and it was very nice. Oh. Different strokes? oh different strokes it sounds like a fun time a joke sat there in pool here on my own eating tofu stew no the tofu wasn't in the car so what was it so you're hungry in the car kids asleep yeah there was two cold slices of pizza that i'd taken for him to eat that he hadn't wanted

yeah and a bag of crisps and I sat there. Oh, and by the way, Rob, I've got to say this about the car. I ticked the wrong box when renting it. I rented a family sports car. What, have you got a photo of it? I don't know. I was basically horizontal, Rob, when I was driving. Like a drug dealer.

Is it a soft top? No, but it was so... I was basically lying back driving. It was fucking mad. And the Italians are so bad at driving. They don't give a fuck. There was a guy, I was going at the speed limit, and a guy just beeping behind me the whole

way oh they they fucking go for it on the roads it's mad we had a day um we got there i just put like a family suv thing like a like a family car in orlando i got a jeep wrangler like a proper like you could take the roof off but i didn't know how to put it back on so I just left it but it stunk of smoke someone smoked in it and then I pathetically emailed the people going I just want you to know

that it smells of smoke but it's not me that did it because I don't want to be charged for gleaning I find car rentals quite stressful don't you so do I

because he tried and the Florida discount car argue because he sorted it all out I paid for it I'm not asking for a fucking freebie

big up sixth big up sixth are those the people that you gave your keys in cornwall yeah they are you always get back to them no it was europe car i think in cornwall anyway yeah uh then i sat in there and had pizza on my own with him yeah and then went into the house yeah and then we were having a italian man come around to cook us pizza in our outdoor pizza oven in the evening. Lovely. See, that's a good bit of a holiday. I'd be well up for that.

So they needed the pizza fire being built four hours before. Sure. So then someone texts on the main group and goes, we need to head home soon to build the pizza fire. So you have to build it for him? Yeah. I thought, I've got to say i'll do this i can't make people come home early to help me even though i've got a two and a half year old and i'm

trying to build a pizza fire so then rob oh there's pressure my son i left him so he sat inside it was horrific rob i had to find the only paper i could find was drawing paper that kids had done drawings on so i had to roll that up burn their memories all the while my son sat on the sofa watching the tv so every time i'd run out to the thing do a bit and then run back to check he's okay because i thought i just can't leave him in a house you know so was he asleep or playing watching tv right all right so i'd run out scrub the balls of paper, put them in, come back and check.

Run out to the wood pile, which is fucking miles away, get the wood, bring it back, leave it there, go back and check. Run out, build it, go back and check.

Run out, find a lighter, go, lit it. First time, doesn't take. Have to start the whole process again. Second time, doesn't take.

By the way, at the start of this, I got a text from one of the other people saying, I was like, oh, I'll go and write Light In now. This is at 3.35. And they go, no pressure. No pressure. It's just got to be done by 4 p.m.

I was like, I've got fucking 25 minutes here. So how do you keep it going? Just constantly putting logs on it to keep it going for four hours? Yeah. So the second time it goes out and I'm like, I can't do this. I'm out. I've not got the skills. I'd love to see you in a jungle.

I want to see you in the jungle doing a fire and I want to see a reality show of you and Rose and the kids going to Disney and Universal and trying to enjoy yourself. On a reality show where you go away and have a fennel stew? Yeah. Awful. Tofu stew on holiday. On a reality show where you go away and have a fennel stew? Yeah, awful. Tofu stew on holiday. I don't think you allow yourself to have enough fun.

I had a brilliant time. You can't have. I did. Anyway, this is the one. I go on the text screen. I'm like, guys, I can't do this far. You're going to have to come home. No. I can't do it. I'm like, I haven't do this far you're going to have to come home I can't do it I'm like I haven't got the skills

It's gone out twice They all set off I bet they were slagging you off on the way home And then I walk outside And it started It started on its own By that point they were on their way home anyway Couldn't you have told them

Yeah I did have told them? Yeah, I did. I told them. And they were like, well, it's too late now. Too late now. But anyway, I was seen as a bit of a hero for lighting the fire. Well, I mean, yeah, off the back of fucking tofu stew and fennel Steve, there's not a lot of hero options in that house. Some of the best meals I've ever had, Rob.

Really? You've not had unlimited bacon from Mickey Mouse. So anyway, I'll just finish this. Me and Rose are in quite a bad mood with each other by this point. Why? Because I'd had quite a stressful day. So she's come back from the beach. You sort of feel a bit like i've taken a bullet here yeah

where's my phone what i've done what i've done rob is the classic me move taken the bullet and then blamed everyone else for me taking the bullet do you know what i mean he was a martyr yeah anyway the best thing i found on the there is a sauna rob right okay everyone was obsessed sauna followed by quick cold dunk right Right. Yeah, in the pool. One person did it three times in a day. That's how successful the sauna was. Yeah, I'm into it. This is a bit of me.

It's fucking great. When you're in a sauna, I see people in the sauna at the gym with, like, headphones in and their phones in the sauna. And I'm like, isn't it too hot for your phone? Is that allowed? Chill out. No, it shouldn't be allowed. Cut a long story short, we have an argument in the sauna yeah make up sex in the sauna no no okay no what happens rob we ask one of the other parents like

we'll look after your son who you've basically been chasing around for four or five days you know um you two have the first bit of alone time you have this holiday. Oh, that'll be nice. So we put the 15-minute timer on. By 12 minutes, the tension is so bad that I just say, I'm going to get out of the sauna, I'm afraid. Oh, so you sat there for 12 minutes not speaking? No, we had an argument. In the sauna? About it? In the sauna.

No, not about the sauna. And then at 12 minutes, she's up getting out. I just said I'm too hot. I wasn't too hot, Rob. I was fine. Didn't even go in the pool. How did it get resolved? It just kind of time resolved it, I suppose.

So the one 15 minutes we got together on a holiday. Middle class, bury it and plough together on a holiday yeah yeah exactly the one 15 minutes on a holiday was an argument in a sauna basically that was the only time we had together oh that really made me laugh Josh yeah no worries right should we do small business yet

yeah and then if anyone's got any questions about stuff yeah because I know you were joking about it going to Orlando

is a big family parenting thing for most families Josh no shade so if there's any questions you want Lou knows a lot about that and I can double check

with her and answer for you right small business if there's any questions about no one wants to go to Puglia no one wants to go to Puglia. No one wants to go to Puglia.

Nobody listening wants to do that holiday. No offence. Okay. What we're going to do, we're going to have go onto our Instagram today. We're going to have a vote. Which holiday would you prefer to go on? Orlando or Puglia with old tofu stew. Orlando with the beckets. Puglia with a sauna. Puglia with old tofu stew. Orlando with the beckets. Puglia with the

sauna. Puglia with the sauna. One hour beach drive. Okay, right, here we go. Don't try and influence the vote now, Rob. Don't try. Unbelievable. Okay, say about 11 miles walking. 11 miles walking. That's one each.

That's one each. Here we go. Hello, Rob and Joshin i've got one here hello robin josh after hearing josh's mishap with the padlock we wanted to share our small business with you we are general and auto locksmiths based in whitstable kent our services range from lockouts lock repairs key programming vehicle deadlocks and all keys lost to our latest products smart locks vehicle trackers and and and phantom alarms and can phantom alarms i don't know what that means you can visit our website hernbaylocks.co.uk they're not witsable that's hernbay um we would love a shout out that's a weird thing is it they're called hernbay locks

but they're based in witsable kent i'd say you're just based in where is hernbay about 10 minutes from wstable. We would love a shower. We're big fans. We love listening to podcasts each week. Amy and Tom, big up Herm Bay Locks. Based in Whitstable. Based in Whitstable.

Maybe Whitstable locks already exist. Fuck them. Whitstable locks, bungs and wankers. Dear Rob and Josh, I'm writing from the UK charity Mary's Meals. The Parenting Hell account posted about World Por porridge day on the 10th of October. Yeah. Big time.

Uh, and we immediately wanted to get in touch as this is actually a day owned and celebrated by Mary's meals. So a bit about us. Oh, look at this. Mary's meals feed more than 2.4 million children every day at school in 18 of the world's poorest countries by providing a daily meal in a place of learning,

Mary's Meals encourages hungry children into the classroom where they receive an education that can be their ladder out of poverty. In a number of 18 countries where we work, we serve nutritious locally produced porridge to hungry children, giving them the energy, education, and hope for a brighter future. We are looking to bring in tofu stew from november for all children aka poolia porridge november sees the launch of our double the love campaign which lasts until january this match funding campaign sees donations from our supporters doubled over a three-month period

and has been a huge success in previous years allowing mary's meals to reach even more hungry children there we go rob we promoted them without realizing it very best wishes jessica good work world porridge day which is my favorite day of the year as you know it's absolutely five days before my daughter's birthday which i haven't talked about and we'll talk about forthwith right see you next week. See you Tuesday. See you Tuesday. Bye. Bye. Can I take a name, please? It's me, Michael McIntyre. Hello. I'm back. Look at me now. With my brand new tour, Magnificent. Yeehaw. This is the guy.

Where am I going? Coming to a place near you. What do you want? Get set, go. And many other places nowhere near you. Come on, darling, get set to? Go! And many other places nowhere near you. Come on darling, let's go. For the last time, my name is Akin Kaka. Go to michaelmcintyre.co.uk for tickets.