Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP33: Milky Bad Boys

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with kit can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Good boy.

Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Okay. I'm done. Oh, there we go. Okay. Well done. Hello, Rob, Josh and Michael.

This is my almost 19-month-old Kit having a go at your names. That's good. I've been listening to your podcast. I was just, that's quite young, isn't it? Since I had Kit in April 2022, upon recommendation by my lovely friend Annie. Kit has definitely had to endure many car naps of me driving around listening to you and trying not to crash the car from laughing. She's very used to your voice at this point.

Keep being sexy and relatable, Katrina in Southampton. Lovely. Do you know what that makes me think? What's that? Do write in if you've caused any car crashes while listening to us and whether it affected your insurance claim. I don't know if that ends well as a...

As a topic. ...as a email topic. I'd say... As long as there were no fatalities. As a lean-out topic. I'd say... As long as there were no fatalities or lasting injuries, do right in. Well, I'd say from any car accident, there's never a funny story or positive news. It's always like the best you can hope for is everyone's okay.

Yeah, I know. Some people are bonded by it forever. Right, okay. Well, if you've been involved in some sort of car collision that's bonded you forever and there's a really funny anecdote off the back get in touch yeah anyone else just keep it to yourself i'd say yourself if there's any level of bleakness to it how are you rob um good actually i i don't i feel weird like it's sort of christmas is near but far away yeah i've done a lot of my big jobs this year and I'm entering into corporate. Wind down.

Not really wind down. I'm entering quite an intense period of writing new jokes as well as doing the Christmas gig season. Corporate awards season. Yes, which I'm not doing. And stuff like that. And on top of that,cember is mad busy for us because we've got two kids birthdays and obviously christmas and i do loads of christmas gigs that's a busy time for me so i feel a bit like all over the gaff but um i'm excited we're trying

to sort the house out sort of dogs out i bought another i thought i'd seen the last of stair gates yeah oh no we've had to buy enough one for the dogs. Oh, no. So we can lock them in a room to stop jumping all over people. But no, but I'm good, though. It's all right. It's been busy. Kids are in school.

I'm still struggling in the morning to get up with them. I can't do it. I'm doing it, but I'm not doing it very well. Yeah. They're getting a bit cheeky, though, the kids now. No, they've always been cheeky. Yeah, I know, but it's getting out of hand i think they're starting to gang up on loo to the starting well if you haven't realized that's been coming across the last two years

on this podcast right well they're now starting to gang up on loo where it seems not like oh look what they're up to it just feels mean on loo right so they've decided to call... Now, they've given Lou's breasts names. They call Lou's boobs because they're a bit obsessive boobs kids, aren't they? Why have you got boobs and I haven't got boobs? And you explain that as you get older

you get whatever and all that kind of stuff. And why did you tell them that you got boobs? Bit of fun. Oh no, I instilled that early on when my when my kids would say daddy why have you got boobs okay they're pecs on men they're always pecs but they they've started calling lou lou's boobs the bad boys and i don't know where they've got it from and then they were, Lou was like, so why are you calling them the bad boys? I went, because they're bad boys.

And then they started going, they're milk, because they make milk. And then now the name's developed into they're milky bad boys. Oh, my God. So they were singing. The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, as it may be.

As it was, I was like, this is good stuff. This is my kind of stuff. We do this at conference this Christmas. Oh, I tell like, this is good stuff. This is my kind of stuff. I was like, get a load of that. We're doing this at corporate since Christmas. Oh, I tell you what, Milky Bad Boys are going to do an absolute trick. Do not, Rob. I'm just warning you now. When you're at a corporate event doing a 10-minute stand-up,

don't point to a woman's boobs in the front row and call them Milky Bad Boys. No, absolutely not. I think that would be an error of judgment. Absolutely not. What I may do is I could potentially tell the story of what my kids call my wife's boobs, which I still don't think is okay.

And then if two bald guys come up on stage to get an award, I could go, here they are, a pair of Milky Bad boys. Yeah, exactly. That would be good stuff. It's a long way to go for that joke, isn't it? But what else have I got in the locker? The Mitchell brothers. It's been 40 years.

Do you love drawing Simon Rimmer Team Lovejoy and Simon Rimmer. Yes. Lovejoy and Rimmer. Yeah, of course. That's the way around it. But yes, they've been shouting at Lou. Hey, milking bear boys. And it's not okay, really.

But it's really hard not to laugh. It's not nice what you're saying. And then she made the fatal mistake going, it's not funny. I went, well, I didn't say it. I was like, well, you're wrong. Because it is a five-year-old and a seven- the fatal mistake going, it's not funny. I went, well, I didn't say it. I was like, well, you're wrong. Because it is a five-year-old and a seven-year-old going, pointing with their fingers and doing like an E and going, hey, Milky Bad Boys, it is funny.

Yeah. So you can't deny that. But it's not okay, really, to shout Milky Bad Boys at your mum on the train home from London. No, it's not. It's really not. And Lou hates it. Lou absolutely hates it.

Well, I'm glad you've heard her opinion. Lou? She's near. And Lou hates it. Lou absolutely hates it. Lou? Is she near? I don't know where she is. I think she's got her headphones on. If she comes past, I'll ask her about her opinion on Milky Bad Boys. Okay, do, do. See what she thinks. You see me looking visibly scared. Did I tell you about... I don't think I've been through, because I've now got a document,

Rob, I don't think I've been through my daughter turning six. No, your birthday at the zoo. Birthday at the zoo, Rob? Yeah, because that's what we said. Please let us know if there's stuff we've missed or anything you want. Oh, yeah. I've got this note down. Let me take you through my daughter's birthday. Yeah, go on.

London Zoo, yeah. You know when I said on the podcast that we were going to go and get fish on her birthday? Oh, yeah, like a goldfish thing. Yep. So obviously that went out after her birthday and I got a string of warnings from people about what happened on her birthday, which was you get to the fish shop and they say, so they warned you about this.

People have, people have messaged me to warn me. Yeah. Basically you've done the podcast. Then it was a birthday and then people warned you about something you'd just experienced. Yeah. Cool. Which was that you get to the fish shop the pet shop the fish shop yeah if you go to the fish and you go to the fish shop as i did you just get fish and chip shops yeah yeah you have to go to the pet shop yeah i did google fish shop i needed my i need i've got a, I've got a sort of little toe,

right? So I Googled foot doctor. It's a podiatrist. I've just found out. Of course. They've got a name. They all have names. That's the thing with doctors.

They all do have their own special name. Yeah. So I went to a lovely pet shop in Crouch End. Shout out to them. Can't remember their name, but they're in Muswell Hill on that big roundabout. I'd recommend them. They were very helpful,

but you can't take the fish home for two days because you have to do all the things to the water. So they will not sell you a fish with the aquarium because the aquarium needs two days to adjust. Exactly. So do not. I implore you. Do not promise your daughter on her birthday that you will go and get fish in an aquarium. So you go, this weekend we're going to get the aquarium.

Yeah. And over the week we're going to set it up. Next week we can pick up some fish. Yes, exactly. And did you go for the bubbly sort of tropical fish tank aquarium with a filter? So it's not for tropical fish, but it is. So it's a cube.

Yeah. And we bought a bridge. Nice an upside down coconut of course obviously that's fish love that fish love coconuts and bridges see what fish don't need a fucking bridge if anything doesn't need a bridge it's a fish actually my daughter yesterday said they keep just going under the bridge they're never going over it yeah it's a fish yeah hey you're six now cut the shit it's a it's a fish and it's a bridge so we've got a like a broken treasure chest yeah and little places for them to hide yeah yeah, yeah. Nice. So that's good feedback though. You can't get it on the same day. So basically for her birthday she got a glass tank with some water in.

Well, the water came out the tap. Yeah, yeah. Another top tip, don't fill the tank at the pet shop. Little thing I learned. Nightmare on the bus. Worst Boris bike I've ever got home. I tell you.

Oh, Boris bike was better than a bus. Surely Muswell Hill. Fucking hell. Straight downhill. Anyway. And so it takes forever to, mate, obviously set up. Yeah. Obviously then get it set up.

I had to order some things for the filter. That I did another day. Yeah. Then I'd ordered them in the wrong size. So that I did another day. Cool. And then eventually we had to order some things for the filter. That I did another day. Yeah. Then I'd ordered them in the wrong size. So that I did another day. Cool. And then eventually we had to go on holiday. This was before the holiday.

Puglia. Puglia. By the way, Puglia won the vote. It won 52-48. We did a vote. Would you rather go Puglia or Orlando on holiday? Puglia won 52-48. But it's so close.

The fact it's so close is why this podcast works, Rob. Because we tap into two separate markets. Do you know what? It's made me feel better about the podcast now because sometimes when I do the podcast

and I say to them, oh, that was a funny bit. I hope they really liked that or that was a good bit. I hope the listeners like that. Now I think, if I go, oh, that wasn't as good,

I go, well, I hope it's that 52% that don't like it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because I think if it was over 80% I would have walked. You're not laughing with me, you're just laughing at me, aren't you, from your ivory tower. Well, you say that, Rob. You say that.

Some very posh bloke came out and did a list, some interior designer I've never heard of. Did a list of things that are common. And number three is doing your own podcast. Number eight is going to Puglia. Who the fuck is this guy?

Mate, I can't even spell Puglia. There's a G in it. Do you know how many times I had to spell check when I was trying to put the poll up on the Instagram? Puglia. Puglia. So, yeah. So in his view. What's his name?

Nicky Haslam. Nicky Haslam, as in the lion from Witch in the Wardrobe. See, that's why you're not moving in the same circles as him. Look at Nicky Haslam. He's so brown. As in tan. i'm not oh my god he's asian i'm actually being called nicky at the age of 84 is he i tell you what though mate you may not know about what's common art but he looks good for 84 don't he nikki aslam born in a buckinghamshire went to eton absolute classic there yeah oh he's my he's why hang on listen

to this was born at great hundred manor he is so posh the third son of diplomat william hayward haslam and his wife get this diamond louise constance knee ponzer, known as Diana, who was great-granddaughter of some earl and a goddaughter of Queen Victoria. This guy's posh. Yeah. He's involved in the Brillo, you know, Brillo pad. Yeah, is that where he's got his money from? That's how he does his skin.

Posh guy. Fair enough. Yeah, I imagine to him, Puglia is chavvy. Yeah. So anyway, we went to Pug guy. Fair enough. Yeah, I imagine to him, Puglia is chavvy. Yeah. So anyway, we went to Puglia. Then we get back, finally set up the tank, fill it with water. Yep. Rose comes up.

We put it in the wrong bit of the room. So take all the water out because we can't move it across the room with the water in. What's in the wrong bit of the room? What have you done in the middle of the bed? I put an extra radiator, Rob. Oh, yeah, that is mental. I thought you would say that. Sometimes I think I'm one of the thickest men in the wrong bit of the room? Are you done in the middle of the bed? I just put an extra radiator, Rob. Oh, yeah, that is mental. I thought you would say that. Sometimes I think I'm one of the thickest men in the world.

I thought you were a bit aggy about like, oh, because it doesn't sort of fit like the decor. No, no, no. It's literally, the water's boiling. Drop the fish in it. Rose moved it for science, not for style. No, yeah. Anyway, get it all ready. We went and got the fish in her neck. Rose moved it for science, not for style. No, yeah. Anyway, get it all ready.

We went and got the fish yesterday. Then I had to go away and film for a week. Eventually, we got the fish yesterday. How long has she not had the fish for? Three and a half weeks. But did she get any other presents? Yeah, she got loads of presents. I'm not trying to take her.

I'm not social services. I actually got loads of press. It's fine. Come on, mate. Calm down. I'm not trying to take them. I'm not social services. Why didn't I got the fish yesterday? What have we got?

Nemo one? Dory? No, because that's a difficult, different thing where you have to keep it at a certain temperature and stuff. Sticky by the radiator, mate. Two goldfish. You could have had a tropical tank by the radiator. Anyway, all sorted now. Can you put a picture up of it so we can see it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm delighted with it. I'm very pleased with it. You've got to do quite a lot, Rob. I quite enjoyed having the hamster. I quite like cleaning out his cage. Yeah, it's quite fun. We have to take 10 litres out a week and replace it.

10 litres? How big is his tank? 40 litres. Or maybe it's 10 pints. I need to check that. 10 litres? How big is his tank? 40 litres. Oh, maybe it's 10 pints. I need to check that. 10 pints. We haven't done it yet, anyway. Anyway, it was a double birthday weekend.

You're right, it was Lou in the room. I was trying to get the milky bad boy into it. Lou? Can I ask you a question? Oh, what's happened? Oh, the dog's had a piss somewhere. Brilliant. Great news.

Go on, ask Rob. So, Lou, do you want to come here so they can hear you? Put a headphone in. Hi. You all right, Lou? Yeah. Lou, how do you feel about the girl's new nickname for you? I wouldn't say I'm...

What is it? Could you tell... Milky Bad Boys. How do you feel about it? Ecstatic. No, I just... I don't want them to say it at school and they will and at some point i'm gonna have to explain that to a teacher i think i think they've got it off bluey they said that bluey says it to her mum really which if i could find it in bluey i'd be really pleased with that because i could blame bluey yeah let's google it. I'm not Googling.

I'll pop up Bluey and with Milky Bad Boys. Oh, I've just done that as well. Bluey, Milky Bad Boys. I don't know. But yeah, well, I was just saying that they've been sort of bullying you with Milky Bad Boys. Yeah, they thought it was really, really, really funny and they kept saying it on the train last night in front of people.

Yeah. And then they kind of gesture at their own chests as well. Yeah. And kind of do the jiggle which is um great right i'll see you later i'll see you later love you baby love you milky have you have you used the phrase milky bad boys without the kids being there how do you feel if i used the phrase milky bad boys when maybe we were having some alone time okay she's um sent me off to have a alone time? I think you'd be having alone time by yourself after that.

Okay, she's sent me off to have a wank essentially from that. You'd be having alone time by yourself. Yeah, fair enough. I probably won't call her Milky Bad Boys. I tell you what, why don't you start calling Rose Milky Bad Boys and see how it goes down, but don't... Yeah, I'll report back to you. Okay, fair enough.

She went to the zoo. London Zoo. So that Saturday, it was a cinema trip for a different birthday, yeah? Yeah. Fucking hell, Rob. Boys and girls are so different. So what did you go and see? So it was another six birthday and it was The Lion King. Right, okay.

They'd got a screen for like the 20 kids. Oh, so they'd set up their own little screening room type thing and put on a film that they wanted. Fair enough. The girls just sat there and watched it. Yeah. And the boys was like fucking Lord of the Flies. They were like body slamming each other in the front row,

jumping on front of the screen and jumping off. The girls just sat there. It was mad. I'll be honest with you. There was adults. I was going in. I just come straight back out. There was adults in there there every adult that left looked like come back from vietnam it was insane well so how do you because as a as a dad of girls i sort of think oh just control them

just you know but it feels like somebody's not had to deal with it do you know what i mean i don't like i just think you i don't think you can just, it's better off to have a couple of boys and just let them fight. Honestly, it was, it was madness that front row. It was just feral. Like,

boys together. Did you love to fight? Me and my brothers used to fight, yeah, in the front room quite a lot. I was quite good at the head scissors with my legs. I've got quite strong legs.

So my defence would be get my legs around the head and squeeze and choke them. Oh, that's good yeah that was my technique because my brothers are bigger than me even my younger ones

always been my height or bigger you've met Joe haven't you yeah yeah he's massive my kids are obsessed with Joe's height I think I said this before the kids are obsessed with who's dad's the tallest

so I'm nowhere near the tallest so they've just chosen Joe as their option you know like in sort of like gypsy fights if you've got beef with someone you have to fight them but if you're not very hard they just send the older brother

they've chosen joe as the tallest um so we went to the zoo on sunday yep absolutely superb really enjoyed it lovely absolutely knocked out of the park because people were allowed to go beforehand so everyone went and then we had like a room and then they can go beforehand they meet you at two o'clock for the park that's good yeah yeah that was good and then they uh we we met an owl and we fed some birds and there was arts and crafts here we go guess what all the girls sat around at the arts and crafts while the boys chased each other around the room yeah classic it was it was an absolute classic a lot of fun one of the dads went off and he just

enjoyed the zoo fair play to him on his own yeah he was like i'm in the zoo i don't get to go to the zoo much i said where have you been he went to talk about komodo dragons i like this guy well i'm a drop i mean i'm i'm a drop offoff. If any party, all parties, I think, should be drop-off once the kids are old enough and comfortable. Yeah, yeah. I'm a take my kids to see you later, I'm off immediately kind of guy. But if I'm in a zoo, it's hard to get back once you're in. So I'm at that dragon talk.

Yeah, you're at the dragon talk. I'm with him listening to Komodos. I had the best kids party ever. This was an absolute elite kids party, right? Hear this, Josh. It's a trampoline party over in Croydon. Okay, about 25 minutes from me. So far, I'd say you haven't done the big sale.

Yeah, yeah, but wait till you hear this, right? Anyway, 11 o'clock start, driving over there, zero traffic, flying through, like taking 20 minutes. Unbelievable. Not one light. It's almost like, it felt like I was getting, I couldn't have got there quicker even if i had a police escort nothing on the road every light immediately went to green as i went through it not even a nothing if you did hazard perceptions there were none yeah there were no hazards it felt like the 50s

driving in the 50s anyway so i drive there and i get a message saying um parking's really difficult and i'm like oh here we go here's where my day turns however if you just pull up outside the trampoline park um the mum will meet the girls and take them in like valet child care yeah so i literally pulled up my seven-year-old nearly eight just went by dad jumped out with the present for the kid and then stood with the mum. I'm off. I'm free. Until when? Until 1.30, right? Two and a half hours.

Two and a half hours. Two and a half, right? Did you go home or did you enjoy Croydon? I went to the shop opposite the trampoline park, Costco. Right. Yeah. See, this is where we're different. Costco is the greatest shop in the world.

Is it? I've never been in a Costco. Oh, mate, you've never lived. It's America in an industrial estate. That's what I'd say I'd done. And you'd describe me as the most boring man in the world. You're not boring. You just find it hard to have fun.

You spend two and a half hours in a fucking Costco, mate. Exactly. Easy. Easy to have fun. It don't take a lot. Walk along, big tellies. You get a big trolley. That's Easy. Easy to have fun. They don't take a lot. Walk along, big tellies. You get a big trolley. That's fun.

Slice of pizza. I love a Costco. So tell me what you did in a Costco. Do you know what it means, your Costco? No. Oh, they're great. It's just everything's massive. That's exciting.

Everything's massive. So what did you buy? What did we get there? I've got a... I was new with you. No, I was on my own. Headphones. You were just on your own.

Massive headphones in. Massive headphones. Bowling around Costco Sunday morning, time of my life. Then I went around Costco, bought a few bits, got actually a tyre inflator machine, 20 quid for the car, and that gets flat like that. Did you need that or you just... Do you know what?

I wasn't desperate for it, but I hate going to the garage and paying a quid for about 10 seconds of air i just sort of feel like you bastards you're making me pay for air it's everywhere you've just put it in a tube um so yeah when they've got a few bits and bobs a couple of christmas presents stuff like that but i thought you get free samples they give you free samples of food josh and everything's sold in massive quantities a really cheap rate you get loads of weird american stuff i've got to tell you you'd love it did you do the full two and a half hours i was about an hour and a half now because i'm an up and down guy lou don't like the up and down method but i go up and down every aisle have you had have you had problems with lou not liking the up and down

method for me no no complaints thus far um and um yeah so um did that for an hour and a half and then went back got myself a coffee sat in my car then a little wander up for a quick five ten minute chat with the other rents and then headed home and headed home like that oh yeah i've done the kids party this morning so do you mind if i watch a bit of football this afternoon um no the other one was at home having a play date um so um yeah morning said you mind if i watch a bit of football this afternoon but both kids go to the party um no the other one was at home having a play date um so um yeah and i was like i found she was like you've been out today already i went yeah i haven't i i have been out already today so spend the afternoon wrapping up lose air air

for christmas it's a thought that counts and you can't live without air. No, you can't live without air. Exactly. So, you know, they did that. So that was a, that was a great little drop off stuff. That's good. So he went round, sorry, I veered off your London Zoo Komodo dragon stuff, but yeah, I'm a big fan of this Komodo guy.

Oh no, no. Yeah. So one of the parents, he came into the park to the zoo with his wife and kids. Yeah. And she said, right, should we find everyone else? And he said, you don't follow the people. You follow the animals. That's his approach to the zoo.

You don't try and meet the other people. It's about the animals. Before you know it, we're all having a birthday party. He's watching a talk about Komodo dragons. I like, I like his guy. Very, a lot of bacteria in their saliva, Komodo dragons. That's how they kill

most of their people. Have you been to the same talk? Yeah, so they bite them and the bite's not that powerful but what it does is it gives them infection and kills them

so it bites them and then they stalk them and watch them die. Oh my word. Yeah. Blimey O'Reilly. It's a bit like the banks giving out mortgages.

Bit of topical, bit of bloody topical.. Bit of topical. Bit of bloody topical. Bit of bloody topical. That's good. I'm glad you had a good one then. Shall I tell you about my parents' evening? Oh, yeah, go on. So we'd got an email saying...

We need to talk. No. Saying we're doing sex education. It's not called sex education, whatever it's called now. Yeah, fuck news. Yeah, fuck news this week. We're talking about Milky Bad Boys, et cetera.

I'm glad I read that email, because often, you know, you scan over the emails. It's on Socks Day. Don't care. Sex ed, I'll read. Oh, by the way, Rob, I've put myself forward for running a stall at the Christmas fair. Okay, yeah.

What stall? I don't know yet. I just said I'm happy to run a stall. I christmas fair okay yeah well what stall i don't know yeah i just said i'm happy to run a stall i'm going in for um a whole they're doing like a roman day at school please tell me you're dressing as a roman please tell me i think that's what's happening no and i was like because i always put myself down for the like all the trips and stuff like that yeah and then either me or lou do it that does it depend on like availability or if i'm working or whatever but i always try and do it and book time off. And I put myself down.

And I think I'm being a Roman in character for a day. So I think the kids are all going to go around and pretend they're living in Roman times. And they're like, they'll have come to me and Lou, and we'll have a stool setting like food. So is Lou going to be a Roman as well? She's a Roman as well. And are you going to do an Italian accent? Do Romans speak the same as Italians?

Is Gino de Campo a Roman? Would you say that he would or has the language developed since then? I don't know. I can't imagine they're as florid as Gino de Campo. Yeah, but I can't be stood there doing like a Mario and Luigi impression and then like the teacher's like

I don't think this is healthy. It's not a one man play, Rob. Just give them the bread for the little silver coin and let them get on with their day. And are you going to be wearing a toga? It's a bit nippy for a toga, isn't it? But I suppose the Romans did, didn't they? I suppose it wasn't as nippy. What did clever Romans wear in winter?

I don't know. That's an interesting point because it is colder in Italy than you think, isn't it? Because when you used to watch Italian football, it was always raining. Yeah, the snow is. It's not snowed here. Yeah. I love all our reference points for Italy are are italia football football italia james roose um so you're doing roman i'm doing the fair yeah i'm doing another episode of my quiz as well not episode no my quiz oh yeah we

went to um we went to the aren't you a bit busy to do another quiz for him i could not come out you love it though don't you I like being part of the community. Do you? I love it. I love it. No, I'm not sure if I do. I love pick-up. I did pick-up yesterday because I've been away filming.

I did pick-up and drop-off and love... I just love the bants. It's my favourite bit. But there must be people at pick-up and drop-off you prefer their bants to other people. It's a bit like, you know, when you're at work and you go out for a work event and you sit sit down and sometimes you can like be or a wedding you get invited to a wedding you sat with some people you think oh they're nice i like them but

they're all pissing themselves laughing over there i want to be over there yeah totally totally yeah you're looking across the playground at the fun parents meanwhile you're caught in a discussion about cardigans and whether you're allowed to wear them on the pe day or whatever um i love it all i just want to have some friends rob anyway we went into the parents evening yeah and um i'm glad i had to check the sex education thing because she had a slide up still on the wall right and it was just every rude word you'd ever seen in your life so it just we walked in and it said like well not rude word but like penis, vulva, testicles

vagina, anus anus, exactly nipples so you know I'm no longer on the parents parents network well no you're supposed to be the rep and you've been I be the the the rep and you're you've been not the rep i'm not the rep anymore i've been the guy that's doing it is fucking incredible rob

why is he so good he's so good i feel bad for my year in charge well you never was in charge was you you got liz truss He's a phenomenon. Why is he so... Well, what does he got a proper job as well? So he's balancing it. Yeah. So why is he so good at the parents' network?

Because he... Like, I said that two of the clubs were on the same day and my daughter would like to go to both of those clubs. And then a couple of other people said,

yeah, we're in the same situation. Yeah. And he said, I'll take this to the top okay and the next day he's got a statement from the head teacher on the whatsapp group about whether the clubs would be moved why the decisions were made etc but they'll look into it i was like fucking hell i never did any of this shit i just kind of listened to people complaining and then forwarded it on. I was rubbish, Rob. Well, you weren't doing it though, was you?

You was forwarding it on, but other people were actually doing the job. The same happened to me. Yeah. I've just accepted that some people care about their kids more than I care about mine. And I don't necessarily think that's bad. Do you know, there is some things like that, isn't there? Certainly at nursery, you'd have that, where people would complain about stuff and you'd go,

I couldn't give a fuck. Oh, yeah, like what level are they on when we're reading? I'm like, I'm sure they'll all... Also, with reading, everyone just sort of gets to a level where they can. It's not like now going, what level are we reading yet? Oh, you probably won't be able to handle this. You're either reading it or you're not. And the mid-level of those learning books the stories are so bad because they're basically having to introduce certain words and phrasing to see if they can understand it but i was just and i said to the teacher at the school went we're trying with

these books but they're so boring like she can read them but we just don't want to oh we had to lay down the law um because my daughter daughter lied about brushing her teeth again she lied to me three times and to me directly because the toothbrush was bone dry and then i had water near it for like three days um so he said okay then um and it was moving up when you're we've never because i've never really been that naughty or done anything like that. But lying is bad. We were like, okay, then, well, you can't have any snacks during film night. You can watch a film, but you can't have any snacks. And that's when they sort of get whatever they want kind of thing.

And she was like, oh, yeah, right. And then it got to film night. And I was like, no. I was like, what? I was like, no, you're not. And she went, what? Well, there's consequences, isn't there? We've asked you not to lie.

You've lied to our face. We gave you lots of opportunities to tell the truth., you're not. She went, what? Well, there's consequences, isn't there? We've asked you not to lie. You've lied to our face. We gave you lots of opportunities to tell the truth. And you've lied. And the consequence of lying is we've said that you're not allowed snacks for film night. Both of them? Or was one sister? No, just the one that didn't brush her teeth. The other girl could.

And then she was like, you can have some of my popcorn. I was like, no, she can't. And then she was just like, absolutely, like, couldn't believe it. And I think it worked, though though because it was quite a minor thing and we didn't give it massive did you hold it up all night? yeah all night and then basically I dropped something on the floor then my other daughter got off her chair

slapped me on the bum and said consequences so she was learning about consequences as well yeah yeah oh yeah mate I know this day will come but my daughter's a i can't do the homework i helped her with the homework and i got it wrong for her because i got the phrasing wrong and i realized i don't write in full sentences so if i answer an email work questions and now i just write bullet points yeah yeah obviously the eight they've got like

i think that in this play the reason why the atmosphere was spooky was because of the dark lighting and then the spotlight on the stage where I was just like, atmosphere, dash, spookier, moody, cause of. And I was writing that down and she was like, this doesn't make sense. I was like, Lou, you've got to step in here. So is that it? Are you done now? Yeah yeah i think i'm done year three i'd say we've already made the split that i'm the homework guy really yeah but i bet you like that do you want to know which which i what my main jobs are that are exclusive go homework on. Homework. Yep. Hair washing. Why hair washing? Because my son hates it.

Oh, right. So you've just been given it. Well, I'm more willing to withstand the emotional turmoil. The abuse, okay. Has he still got long hair? Yeah, but Rose has finally decided yesterday he's getting it cut. Well, if you don't like washing it and you don't like washing it, just get it shorter.

Well, I don't mind it. Robbie's fine. He just complains to them. Yeah, fine. Bins. B fine uh bins bins admit all financial admin all financial i'm in charge of bins really lou does occasionally do a bit she likes to dump run in her defense to be fair that's more ad hoc but bins um hair washing we split that's blue mainly does it but i will do it um yeah but she's better at the style the styling of it because it's girls' hair. I've just got no, I just don't know how.

Then she does it. To be clear, Rose has got loads of exclusives. What's hers? Platting stroke brushing. Yep, yep. I'd say that's, I do it occasionally, but the girls get the hump. Or I do, my youngest daughter's got really long hair and I do it. And Lou always says she looks like a horse.

I'm so glad you finished that word, because for a moment I thought that is unacceptable from Lou. I thought you'd said whore. Rob, she looks like a whore. Apples on a full farm, they'll get bad boys. Apple don't fall far, milk it bad boys. We know like a horse in,

like a dressage. Jim Carney, yeah, yeah, dressage, yeah. The other thing as well, we're trying to get rid of their teddies, right?

And I was like, you've got so many teddies, let's take some to a charity shop, whatever. You don't even know where you've got all of these. And my daughters reeled off all the teddy's names and they remembered exactly where we got them. Oh my god. And I was like, you can't give them away.

I was like, what about this one? And she was like, Legoland, when I was three, I cried because I couldn't go on the dragon ride. You let me have it. And I was like, what can I say to that? Alright, keep it. That's the problem with the Teddies is they've got such

emotional... Yeah, it's really important to them and you're like oh for fuck's sake because i used to just like whip them all up and chuck them in a bag and think well it's loads they won't know they've gone and they'd come home from school and be like where is little mrs hufflepuff and she's like running around like it's a lost missing person and then i like go and get it out the boot going oh i found her we've got her now it's fine um oh and the found her. We've got her now. It's fine. Oh, and the other thing that we've done before we do correspondence is my daughter's starting to play hockey.

So she needs a mouth guard. Oh, yeah. So yeah, but it's one of them. We have to boil the mouth guard. Remember that is from school when you did rugby or whatever it was. I fucking hate mouth guards. They are horrible. I hate it.

That horrible taste of ill-fitting plastic and the kind of spit getting stuck in oh my god so i i i remember when my mom did it i didn't like it really it's horrible because they boil it give it to you warm but anything coming out of a boiling pan feels like you shouldn't put in your mouth yeah and anyway i did it for i gave it to and basically when it says 10 seconds stick to 10 seconds when i did it for 20 seconds it was like liquid right and i was like kind of mold it around and i was like put it in your mouth put it in your mouth she's like it's burning me it's burning me i was like a real boomer parent i was like just just chew on it just shut your mouth and then she was like but it hurts daddy it hurts i was like what you know because they complain over nothing and then i realized it was quite hot so i took it out and we really did it and i was like what you know because they complain over nothing and then I realized it was quite hot

so I took it out and we really did it and I was like it was like what's going on what's going on I was like oh she's just moaning about the hockey thing did you use the special thing so it doesn't burn their mouth I was like nope it's like a plastic tray you're supposed to put it in the plastic tray and then bite down on it and then hold it like that so you're not giving a child like a bit of melted plastic dripping in boiling water and shove it in their mouth but but they've done it and she said it fits but it was i'd recommend reading the instructions before you put anything that's been in a boiling sauce but in your kid's mouth just a little little tip for you guys so many take-home tips today honestly don't fill the aquarium with water before you leave the pet shop and don't put

boiling water in your kid's mouth oh here's a tip also when it comes to fish if you buy some like um seaweedy stuff that exists like a live seaweed reef yeah when you then spend two weeks before you fill up the tank, don't put that weed in, presuming it won't completely disintegrate and then float everywhere within the water within the tank. Then I basically had to spend an hour fishing it out bit by bit with the net. And would you, how much joy is she getting from these fish? Well, it's day one, so she loves them. Oh, so it was only today? Only this weekend?

It was yesterday. Oh, right. The fish are only just... Names? Gold and silver. She hasn't really gone out. They're big. Oh, right.

She's got two fish. One's gold, one's silver. Yeah. And when they perish, what's the plan? Just a quick replacement? Apparently, they live for quite a long time.

Mm-hmm. So... Is it a goldfish? what do you mean? it's a goldfish you know like the classic goldfish yeah it's just the way you said it's just the way you emphasised the word fish

but is the other one silver? no but they're both goldfish but one's silvery gold one's got splashes of silver on it right okay cool but it's a goldfish and so when they perish I think she'll deal with it Right, okay. One's got splashes of silver on it. Right, okay, cool. But it's a goldfish. Yeah. Right.

And so when they perish, I think she'll deal with it. Fair enough. You just say, that one's dead. Do you want another one? Yeah, well, we're going to get a third one soon. I said do two so she can get the hang of it. And then... Get the hang of it.

It's very much, you know, your job's done, isn't it? Apart from feeding them. Well, no, she's got to be feeding them. She's got to help me clean them out every weekend. Oh, yeah, I bet she'll really help you. I bet she'll be a massive help. She was. Well, it's that problem, isn't it?

That she really wants to help, but actually... Yeah, she'll make it worse. Obviously, when it's filling the tank, you're like, oh, can I just pour this saucepan of water in, please? You're going to splash it everywhere. And do you take the tank downstairs to fill it up, or do you do it? No, no, no, no, no. There's a bathroom next to my daughter's bedroom, fortunately.

Right, so you just take it in there. Yeah. That's good. I think you've got a great set-up, mate. I'm really proud of you. Yeah. Great fish work you're doing. Here's another tip. Here's another tip.

Here's another tip. Do you want another fish tip? Yeah, go on. Got this off the pet shop. If you put the gravel at the bottom, if you put it so that towards the back it's higher than at the front, there'll be more space at the front. And put your items a bit further back.

And the fish will naturally swim at the front rather than the back of the tank. Oh, so you can see them more. That's good. But they'll only grow as big as they can as well, because if you put more fish in, none of them will grow bigger. Yeah. They grow to the size they have. Right, okay. And can you just all stop writing in and telling me that I've got all my facts wrong?

Because I'm sure I have, but these are the factors I know them. I've got one more tip. Yeah. No, that's not the way you live your life. Don't email in to tell me I've got all my facts wrong because i'm sure i have but these are the factors i know them i've got one more tip yeah no that's not the way you live your life don't email in to tell me i've got all my facts wrong because i know that as my facts your sex education is gonna be difficult at home no most people lose their virginity at 28 actually because that's my facts that i know okay i lived i lived should we do one piece of correspondence let's do yeah do a quick quick correspond i oh we should talk about we asked for a name for the listeners of the show don't we have we got any yep so because people have names

don't they for the podcast listeners so the rents or rents short for parents yeah i don't i don't feel like our listeners are just defined as parents. There's a lot of people who are parents. Parenting Hells Angels. Parenting Hells Angels. Oh, I see. It's a little bit twee, isn't it? Hellers.

We could just call them the Hells Angels, couldn't we? But I still don't think so. Oh, I don't mind that, actually. The Hells Angels? They've sort of got their own thing going on, haven't they? Ah. We could do that, and then they could start wearing leather waistcoats to gigs. It's quite a big ask, isn't it?

We could do that and then they could start wearing leather waistcoats to gigs. It's quite a big ask, isn't it? Most popular suggestion by a long shot, originally suggested by Emily Grace, but a lot of others, was the Hellraisers. Oh, the Hellraisers. Yeah, I like that. Let's call that. Let's go with that.

Yeah. So a couple of bits of correspondence from some Hellraisers and then we'll... Yeah, I like Hellraisers. Yeah. Okay. Ready? Yes. Grandparents' names. On the episode you spoke of cute and funny names you have for grandparents,

we had Nanny Upstairs and Nanny Downstairs. Ooh. One lived in a flat, Nanny Upstairs, and one nan lived in a bungalow. Nanny Downstairs. That is good. That's great, isn't it? This was a case for much of their lives until much later

when their living arrangements changed from bungalow to a flat and a flat to a house, but they remained nanny upstairs and nanny downstairs. And then they later moved into nanny care home and then nanny underground. They have both passed on now. I'm sorry. No, it's all right.

But I still think nanny upstairs and nanny downstairs. Does she mean one's gone to heaven and one's gone to hell? Oh, dear. That's funny. Anyway, yeah. R.I.P. R.I.P. Sleepover fail?

Yes, please. Hello, you sexy and relatable trio. Not sure if you are still doing bad sleepover stories. Yeah. We bloody are because we never get around to them but i have one for you from my childhood when i was about 12 i had a friend around to sleep over all was going well until in the middle of the night my friend was violently sick into the toilet there was so much sick she blocked our toilet badly enough that my parents had to call out a plumber the next morning the plumber had to knock down part of our wall behind the toilet fucking out to assess the damage and whilst there a load of asbestos that had to be removed for

health and safety reasons overall costing my folks about 1 000 pounds to fix once a job was all finished that's actually quite cheap i suppose it might have been a while ago best of all 12 year old me and my sleepover buddy fell out about a month after and never spoke again. Oh. We were supposed to have a sleepover around her house to give my parents a night off, and that never came to pass. So as my stepdad likes to remind me every once in a while, I cost them a grand for and a night of shagging.

Oh, my God. And a night of shagging. Oh, God. He's a bit oi-oi, isn't he? Yeah. Oi-oi. That is Laura H from Essex. They'll be interested to hear

from the asbestos vomiter and hear their side of the story. Yeah, yeah. Because in a way, you've done them a favour by finding the asbestos. Yeah, because it had to be got rid of. So, I've got actually, the birthday party's coming up. We're having a big sleepover, Josh. Are you? The

party is, we're going up to London to see a show. Yeah. And then we're going to to london to see a show yeah um and then we're going to come back from london well she's got four friends and they're all going to have a sleepover at ours four friends what's the show rob um i think we're going to see wicked oh lovely and we're going to see wicked and then come back and have a sleepover um but we wanted to do those sleepy you know them like tent sleepover things where they have like four TPs with a mattress in and a little tray at the bottom. They're on Instagram as like sleepover parties.

Right, yeah, yeah. And like Lou wanted to do that and looked at it and she was like, well, it's actually the same price almost to just buy it all than rent it. I was like, okay. But now my garage is now like I'm running a small business of teepee hire. But she was like, yeah, but they're going to want sleepovers for a long time. Anyway, so, yeah, we're going to have six children age eight and under sleeping in our house in a couple of weeks.

Oh, my word. Oh, my God. What time are they being picked up in the morning? I think we've asked for 4 a.m. No, they're all too good as golden kids. I'm sure I'll be fine. Ours will get up early anyway. So, yeah, so they're coming.

That'll be in a couple of weeks. I'll report back on that. Lovely, lovely. Do you want a small business? Yeah. Okay. G'day, Rob, Josh, and Michael. I'm wondering if I can have a small business shout-out.

This one is for your Australian listeners, especially any Aussie Lego enthusiasts oh my lifelong friend Zai makes beautiful and unique earrings out of Lego blocks she's so creative and they are made with a lot of love and care her website is blockyourears.com.au love the podcast and recommend episodes to my long-suffering parent friends cheers nissa here we go block your ears so if you're in australia it's quite neat australia and you want earrings made out of lego get on there they look pretty cool actually if you're into that sort of thing that will have loads of listeners in australia won't we we'll find out we'll see this one is for the mums and dad mums and mums to be sorry dads i work Maternally Fit, which is run by the wonderful Helen.

We're a small team of physiotherapists who run exercise classes around London and Surrey for pregnancy and beyond. We aim to empower and educate women on exercising safely during and after pregnancy, including how to do all important pelvic floor exercises. We want women to keep fit for strong labour and motherhood and meet other fabulous women along the way. Our classes are individually tailored. So suitable for everyone, including those who have never exercised. You can find us on our website,

www.maternallyfit.co.uk. That's maternallyfit.co.uk or contact us on Instagram at maternallyfit underscore heartbreakingly. So that they've had to add the underscore or email info maternallyfit.co.uk for your free trial class. Thank you. Love the podcast. Sophie.

Josh, I'll see you on Friday. Oh, it's going to be a good one on Friday, Rob. It's going to be great. See you then. Bye.