Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP37: The name's Beckett, Rob Beckett...

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] (E) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting each week we'll

be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with jesse can you say rob beckett Jessie, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett.

And can you say Josh Widdicombe? No, please. Josh Widdicombe. Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Willie. Bob. Well, there we go. Got Willie Doff. Shall I read this, Rob, or shall we get straight on to the...

No, I'll read this. I'll read this. Read it. Tell us who that was and who disrespected your name, your legacy. Rob? Yeah, can I hear me? What's happened? Hello?

I've got a feeling it might be his AirPods cut out. Hello? The one AirPod he's got in like an Uber driver. Hello? He sits there with one AirPod in like a fucking Uber. Plug it in, Josh. Just plug it in. It's actually like it's mental. It in, Josh. Just plug it in. This has gone on for too long.

It's actually, like, it's mental. It's insane. I know, okay. I'm buying them now. I'm buying them now. No, but you've said this before. I feel like I'm living in a fucking dream. Headphones.

Not on the pod. Not on the pod. I've actually got two bits of other admin I do need to get done on the pod. Don't use me like a last leg meeting. What's your other admin you gotta do uh i've got a right into school to say that my daughter's ill and not coming in all right and i've got to put my parents number plate in the local parking thing so they don't get a parking permit problem lovely little day for you isn't lovely a bit of admin so when you've got let's do this we'll come to that because i need to know we're not going to come to that we're not going to actually do the admin that's it it's your parents fault for having a son that was deprived of inner cities

so that as soon as he got to one he absolutely jizzed everywhere and he's like oh there's a bus there's a train it's so busy it's their fault for making you grow up in the shire wherever it was down in dartmoor so you're doing to your kids i know before you know it ron your kids will be saying dad i've rented for an extortionate amount a tiny basement flat on camden high street because i can see life there you know they will i was saying this to lou the other day they'll get the um um we'll have to keep getting 20 minute cabs everywhere. Josh, who was that on the thing before we do your ad and we talk about life? This is my

nearly 23 month old Jesse having a go at saying your names whilst having a bath. Can you guess what he found at the end of the recording? It was his willy, Rob. His willy. His brother Kai has done a great job at helping me teach Jesse how to say your names. I love your podcast.

It's gotten me through what's been a really tough year. It makes me feel I'm not totally messing this parenting stuff up. I look forward to my lunchtime walks on Tuesday and Friday when I often get looks from people as I'm laughing so loud. Never stop being sexy and relatable. Niha, good luck trying to pronounce that. I have 446 months from Chiltern in Dig in oxfordshire in the uk in the uk big up in chilton in digcot in oxfordshire in the uk is she all right she's just found where she's

lived she's living what you used to do when you're a kid wasn't it and you'd write your address and it would like be world and then you'd put like earth yeah yeah yeah i don't understand space let's not get to that now i don't understand are we in the milky yeah. I don't understand space. Let's not get into that now. I don't understand. Are we in the Milky Way? I really don't know. Is that bad? No, and there's other universes. Are there?

I don't know. What are universes, Rob? It's not so far away. I find space really... This doesn't make me as excited as it should, maybe. You know what I mean? I think it scares me, actually. It scares me off.

Yeah, me too and then all i think about is the end of men in black when the aliens are playing marbles with all the little worlds yeah and then i think wall man do you reckon it feels like there was like 18 year olds having a spliff the thought of that at the end of many black well do you want to hear a spliff theory rob can't give you a spliff theory right that you know like ai yeah is getting so good and so realistic that you're gonna get to a point where everything is as good as real life everything feels like real life yeah and so there'll be loads of worlds which are feel like real life but they're not real yeah there'll only be one real world yeah and so the odds are that the one you're experiencing at this moment isn't the real world

rob i feel like that sometimes do you yeah but also though sometimes oh ai is ruining things he's going to take over like real humans jobs but then sometimes like i'll deal with someone in a shop or out and about or on customer service when you ring up and i think i don't think they are human anyway they need a new word you know some people i think how do you get by each day what's the end of your day look like you're over the cafe anyway you've got your you've got your camera off i've got my camera off because i've been getting well not i've got my camera off because i've been getting well not i'm getting that much grief but i'm a bit my backdrop was football shirts

wasn't it because you've got a lovely backdrop a sort of buzzing office with personality with things you like yeah yeah and mine was football shirts because i was trying to soundproof my office and that's all i had and that's all i've got really and i'm not i'm not very good at making stuff look pretty lou's very good at this. Lou makes our house look wonderful. Yeah. Has Lou come in and done this? No.

Anyway, so I've found something in my office that I can use as my backdrop. So let me know what you think. This could be my backdrop for a bit. Oh no. Oh no. What do you mean? That is the lamest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Do you want to explain to the listener yeah we'll put this on our social media James Bond kind of intro what would you describe

it as artwork it's almost like an eye or a bull's eye circle yeah the eye where Bond is in his tux holding a gun and then the

classic is like the blood is coming down. Yeah. But instead of Bond, it's a quite inaccurate artist's impression of what Rob looks like. Why is that inaccurate? So we should say it's four foot wide, two foot high. Yeah, it's fucking massive.

Yeah, of course, yeah. I didn't know the exact dimensions, but it's a full backdrop. I mean, look, it's a full backdrop i mean look it's it's bigger than my own head it's like oh my god yeah he's bigger than you fucking hell because he's quite far away actually so that doesn't do justice to how big it is yeah exactly because it's quite far back so bloody hell that is something else isn't it the problem is it's gonna have to be explained every single time. So what? Sorry, you haven't even explained it to me. It's a giant Bond thing, but me as Bond.

Oh, no shit. Yeah. Thanks for the explanation. I'm not even a massive Bond fan. Someone just sent it to me and said, oh, I thought Rob would like this. And I don't know why he did it. But I don't know what he did. And what did you do with it?

He spent ages on it. He's done it really well. He's brilliant. If you want a photo of you, if you want yourself as Bond, and he's very, very kind with what I look like on it. I look very handsome. Well, I'd say what it is. It's not that it doesn't.

You know who it is. It's much sharper than you. Yeah, I'm a bit bedraggled. I think I need to up my game and be sharper, but I can't be bothered. It wouldn't suit you. It wouldn't suit you. Anyway, how are you, Josh? All right? Thought I was off school.

This week was looking so good. I'd like nailed it. Because Rose has gone away. Have you broke up? She's gone away permanently with a puzzle trainer. So we've got, get this, Rose needs to go to Cornwall to carry on sorting out this house we're doing yeah we've got our house is full of the furniture for that house what you want your london house our london house is full of the cornwall furniture because

she's been ordering it to here lovely that's a nice little thing to arrive isn't it yeah yeah so you can basically have to shimmy through the hallway yeah so my parents were going to come up and see us times with my dad has a van so he can take the stuff down to cornwall right so i've i just get delivered to cornwall rob you're preaching to the choir your eyes because call me a prude. I sort of get stuff delivered to the place it needs to be. Do you know what?

Call me old-fashioned. Yeah, that's one way of doing it, Rob. The other way is to have two chests of drawers in your hallway by the door for a month. And to get a man to drive up from Devon to London back to Cornwall. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, my parents come up this week so they can help me cover the childcare.

Yeah. Yeah. And then drive back. All sorted. That's fine. Yeah. Nice. Yeah.

Tonight I'm even going to something because my parents, so I've got childcare today for my son because I'm working all day. Yeah. Yeah. And bedtime sorted. I was going gonna go to this uh harry hill's got some film he's putting on yeah i got invited to go to a social event i thought i'm gonna go to a social event i'm fucking nailing it and then i've got the whole

day off tomorrow on a monday monday night's bold for a social event i'd run out of that i haven't been to social event in fucking months then tomorrow i've got the full day off yeah so hang out with my parents yeah and also load the van i'll take a few hours yeah absolutely yeah lovely little day off load the van and then last night my daughter woke up and was sick six times i think this is a bit of a bug going around whatever my mate had it we're like it just goes through the family yeah you're currently on the train to cornwall with the dicky dummy oh no yeah my daughter's off school today yeah so then just me just going well just start the podcast at half eight knock it out now suddenly this is why i is why I've still got to write the letter to the school. Right.

During the podcast, yes. And – Hang on, you're going to – what have you got – why don't you just message the school now and just say – I'm going to. Well, couldn't you do that? Yeah, yeah. What shall I do while this is happening? Well –

Just talk as you pretend to listen? What would be your subject? What would be my subject? What would be my subject? Kids normally on here, innit? No, in an email. Oh, fuck that. Just say sickness and her name. And just say, hello, my daughter in whatever class she's in is not well today.

Hopefully she's back tomorrow. Just say, hey, mate. Oh, God, do you think I should do that? No. Just say hello. Who are you sending it to? The reception? do that? No! Just say hello. Who are you sending it to? The reception?

School reception? No, the teacher. Do I send it to the teacher? Sorry. This is why I'm in a bit of a problem here. Right, so you've done that. Done that. You've done the number plate. I'll do the number plate after we've recorded this

because I've got until 10am on the number plate. Oh, okay, cool. Fair enough. Just chill out then. Right about that. It's all right, mate. You've got to do what you've got. This is part and parcel.

This is what the podcast is, isn't it? It's just juggling. I had everything planned and now I'm not. Do you know what I mean? When you're just like, I fucking nailed this. Apart from your plans going wrong, how's it been? Did you have a good weekend? Or was she a good weekend?

What's going on? Talk to me. Oh, I've got bleak news, Rob. Okay, go on. It's a new feature, bleak news. Well, I thought I'd save it because there was talk of my cat

my cat has passed away Rob so she had an illness that couldn't be fixed yeah and then she had a stroke Rob with a cat

yeah which is very difficult to tell people because of the context of a cat they love a stroke they love a stroke that's the problem

isn't it so you say it's not the ideal no medical term for a cat they love a stroke they love a stroke that's the problem isn't it so you say it's not the ideal no medical term yeah but he needs a new one for cats i think yeah so she had a stroke it was very sad so we had to take her to be put down it was absolutely fucking brutal it was hardcore rob yeah because i had to take her Have you ever had an animal put down? No. I've had a couple of hamsters go, but they're just basically, when you wake up in the morning, they're not moving.

I was bawling my eyes out, Rob, in Goddard vet surgery in Wanstead. They brought me a cup of tea like I was a kind of someone who'd just been in a motor crash. Why am I fucking 200 years old? Yeah, no, I've never been, I've never seen it. It must be brutal, especially if you've had it a long time. How long have you had of it? So we've had it eight years.

Yeah. Actually, it's quite a good check on how long I was suffering from anxiety. It was eight years. Because the first time we got the cats, I thought I was allergic to them because i was only able to breathe shallowly but actually it turned out that that was the first time that my body had gone you're doing too much work right okay and you blame the cats so i got back from last leg down under roses bought two cats yeah i could barely breathe and i thought it was the cats then i went to the doctor and i said do you think i'm allergic to cats they said yeah

you're allergic it wasn't it was alex brooker and adam hills you're allergic to disabled people it turns out it turns out i'm allergic to disabled people terrible for you in your job yeah but it wasn't it was anxiety it was anxiety anyway she had a good innings. Our other cats just started sitting in really weird places since. Oh, no. Yeah. Very high places. My daughter was very upset on day one. Of course.

And then a week later, Rose was still upset, said something about it. My daughter. And my daughter said, why are you still going on about that? That was ages ago. Sort of true of true though isn't it it is kids and you know what kids absolutely nail things what's that they don't they don't linger too far in the past today a week feels like fucking 40 years to them sometimes i go to the kids, you've got a birthday party on Sunday, and I'm like, how long's that?

I'm like, two days. They're like, two days? No! No! What am I going to do for two days? Yeah, so to her, us saying, still sad about Eddie is the equivalent of me talking to you about John Lennon dying in 1980.

Do you know what I mean? still going on about that, mate. Yeah, fucking hell, mate. Move on. Move on, Josh. It's good, though. She's not upset. Well, she was on the day. We've got to go and pick up the ashes. Why do I always laugh? I'm so sorry. It's weird. We've got the ashes. We've got them in an urn.

Can't be a lot, can it? What, a handful? How many did you get for a cat? A handful? You pay a bit extra, Rob, to get your actual cat's ashes rather than just some of the general ashes. I think that's money well spent. So what are you paying for? They say, do you want the ashes back? Yeah.

Yeah. Do you want us to put the cat through separately so you get the actual ashes? Well, yeah, obviously, yeah. Obviously, yeah. Well, and then I've just got a load of dust. dust yeah or do you want a bit of a cheaper option we'll put all the cats through at the same time and you can just have some general cash yeah miscellaneous cat miscellaneous cash no i'll be all right with that i'd want my actual cat also there can't be a lot of a cat the ones

the fur goes well let you know i've got to go and pick her up we've got her in a in a black cat they'll probably give it you know them little little bags that people sell cocaine in don't wrong sorry god awful i remember i vividly remember reading a column maybe a decade ago yeah more by charlie brooke about how he could never get a dog because he knows he couldn't deal with a dog dying. Yeah. Because I remember when Cesc Fabregas went Barcelona from Arsenal. Yeah. And that hit me.

Did it? Yeah. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, Rob? Of course it is. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. The dog will die at some point.

The cat will die at some point the cat will die at some point well i'll die at some point josh yeah i know gone will be this painting that's my legacy with some ashes below it generic rob ashes or do you want i'll chuck it in with whatever we can put we can put eight bodies through at, or do you want? I'll chuck it in with whatever. We can put, we can put eight bodies through at once. Or do you want Rob's actual ashes? Your decision,

Lou. Just the comedy teeth on top of a vase in my daughter's front room. As her husband goes, do we have to have that out? You've already got the bond poster up. Oh dear. Um, yeah,

so I'm sorry. It's been a bit bleak, Josh, but no, it's all right. It's good for kids. I think to, to chat about that kind of stuff in it though,

to see that that's what they say. Cause you know, definitely it's inevitable. His own point of being stressed about the inevitable. It's sort of accepted. Don't you? It's hard to, that's the thing.

So I've also, I find this time of year very depressing. I was going to chat to you about it. I always get, I fucking love it. Well, no, I,

so I find the winter and the cold and the rain. Are you an SAD guy? I find my mental, keep it on top of my mental health so much harder when it's dark and cold and miserable. I'm terrible at getting out of bed. Awful. But I, it's sort of like,

it's just a bit harder to get on with things where I'm way more positive and full of beans in the summer. Like most people are. Yeah. Yeah. I find you easier to deal with in winter. a little bit more reserved I like that you know what it just takes the edge off it's quite nice lose the same actually when I'm really buzzing lose a bit like this is too much for me I met you when you were depressed yeah give me Rob Beckett in February and I'll give you a friend um so but then what I always do is i'm like well once i get to then that's what

i'm finishing for christmas or once i get to that once i get to that and i love christmas but then sometimes i feel like i just build up to it i think oh it'll all be right at christmas and then well depressed in january so january's crap i'm trying to just enjoy each day in the rather and go well once i get to that once i get to that because it gets so busy and full on so that's what i'm trying to trying to do yeah yeah that's good that's good rob because i've got a lot i've got a lot coming up josh in the next few weeks loads going on have you parenting wise or like you're working a lot busy that works not too bad um but like loads of like life stuff and that going on oh yeah hit me oh first of all i want to ask you about this i get really excited in the countryside like you do in

london i saw a pheasant the other day and it just blew my mind oh have you seen one before yeah they're mental little things it's like a mad chicken isn't it yeah um i have seen a pheasant yeah um i keep calling the the other antlers i keep calling them horns and luke keeps telling me off it's rutting it's rutting season i think what? Where do you live? Who are you, the queen? No, it's just where I live. I live in the countryside, don't I, Josh? I've got deers, badgers. Have you lived around Laurel? Around Laurel? There is, there's loads.

Have I never shown you the deers? I trust you, I trust you. I'll be to find you a picture of a deer. Rob, I've got bad news for you. You've become the kind of person that's finding pictures of deers on your phone. I know, but that's finding pictures of deers on your phone. I know. But it's like you taking photos of the shard. Bringing it back to all the bumpkins.

We can see the shard from my daughter's room and it still blows my mind. Does it? Yeah. I'm like, that is mad. See, I could see Canary Wharf walking home from school every day and it was just so over it by year seven. Right. Yeah. So let me tell you this, Josh. Tell me what you think about this my kids now she's eight my oldest okay yeah and she

went time moves on like yesterday she was like oh um i might go and have a bath i was like sorry am i talking to lou pardon she might just have a little bath and relax just get a little bit tired just have a cozy one sorry who the fuck are you and who's this woman in my house anyway she went up there and I went oh do you want me to come up and she went no I had to run it and I was like oh yeah you you I'm not careful the hot water she's like no I know what I'm doing and I was like she's good she was like yeah yeah she could she sort of does that now so anyway she went up there and she's just in the bath yeah I was like well should one of us like, yeah, yeah, she sort of does that now. So anyway, she went up there, and she's just in the bath. I was like, well, should one of us be up there, Lou?

Because she's eight, and she's in the bath. And Lou's like, well, she'll be absolutely fine. But I know what you mean. It does feel like she's a bit young just to be left unoccupied in a bath. But what's she doing in the bath? Just having a little lay down, has a cup. Eating a flake. Play candles on, plays the water a bit.

And she has her iPad on the side. Lazy the Boat watching her iPad. Yeah, yeah. What time of day is this? What time was it? It was about four o'clock on a Saturday. We'd been out and done stuff in the day. She'd come back from a kid's party.

Just wanted to spend a bit of her time. She's fucking relaxed. Put on some bloody Enya. I said Luke well I'll tell you what I'll go up there and if I'm upstairs I can be sort of like

walking around the upstairs and I can go in and out of the room and double check she's alright and then in the end I went and just sort of laid on her bed she's got a quite comfy bed

so I'm just like laying on her bed it's nice isn't it someone else's bed sometimes yeah yeah yeah so she's in her en suite bath she's got

they've got she's got an en suite bathroom which makes me physically sick to this day that she's got an en suite bathroom but you can't scream in a child's face going you've got a en-suite bathroom, which makes me physically sick to this day that she's got an en-suite bathroom. But you can't scream in a child's face going, you've got a fucking en-suite bathroom. Yeah, yeah.

But it seems counterproductive. Yeah, because you used to have to shit in a bucket outside, didn't you? Oh, yeah. Sometimes if we didn't have the bucket, my brothers would shit on me and then I'd just wash it off with a hose. That's how we grew up.

You know, part of me wants them to grow up and be well-adjusted children, be aware that they've had a lovely lifestyle and a lot of privilege, but then I almost want them to be like 16 and be aggy and start going at me, and then I just rip them a new one. Do you know what I mean? Like an EastEnders scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Anyway, so I go and lay on the bed, and I'm sort of laying on the bed,

like watching the bath, and she's like, Dad, what are you doing? I'm like, I was just, like, watching you in the bath. She went, why? And I was like, well, it's actually quite weird, isn't it? I want to be like a dad that's looking after his kid, but I don't want to be the dad that watches his daughter bathe. Yeah, yeah. Because there's a jump point, isn't there?

Because she's reaching the point when she's going to be embarrassed about stuff like that, is she? Yeah, of course. Not yet, but that's not far off. It's not to be embarrassed about stuff like that. Yeah, of course. Not yet, but that's not far off. It's not far off is what I mean, yeah. You don't want to be like, oh, when I have a bath, my dad watches. Before you know it, you're in the school talking to, like,

the pastoral kit team or whatever. But that was like, you know, oh, my God. Particularly when they say, well, that's all right, because you're having a bath before you go to bed. And then she's like, no, no, it was 4 p.m. on a Saturdayurday afternoon i just went for a bath and they're like right this family yeah this is weird this is odd um you're gonna watch it in the bath but if anything like i share herself people are like what you just left in the bathroom at eight and all of a sudden you're like the worst parent in the world so yeah but i just i mean there must be maybe it's a good thing for people to write in about when have you done something with your kids and as you're doing it,

you think, I think I'm too old to be doing this. It's got a bit beyond, but you're just trying to be a good parent. But you're like, no, they don't need me to do that. And it's embarrassing for them. That must have happened a lot because he's just learning, isn't it, as a parent and as, you know, this is not, you know, because I don't want my daughter's bum anymore, you know. Do you not? Well, no, she's five. So, like, this is not, you know, because I don't want my daughter's bum anymore, you know. Do you not?

Well, no, she's five. So, like, that is way too old. And I was saying to her, this is too old. And she was just laughing at me. But now she's started just doing it herself. Yeah, I'm having that debate with my daughter at this moment. Oh, are you? About the bum?

Yeah. So, do you do it every time? No. Just occasionally? We're in a kind of. One-on-one off. One-on-one off. Because I know she must do it at school.

Well, I don't think they go to must do it at school well I don't think they go at school do they not I don't think so the size minds are knocking out there can't be more than one of them a day

they'll start running out of body Rob are you watching I mean you're not just watching your daughter bathe you're watching them shit

and then checking the size you really need that she asked me to wipe her bums I wiped it I saw it I mean that was you know I wasn't seeking it out.

You need to just give them some space, mate. Give them a bit of space. Yeah, so they're bathing themselves, Josh. They keep winding Lou up when she gets stressed in the morning, which is quite funny. And they shouted at her the other day, because Lou can get a little bit more, it's difficult to tell, but she can get a little bit,

she can get to 10 quicker than I can get to 10. I'm not saying I don't get to 10 out of 10 stress difficult but she can get a little bit she can get to 10 quicker than i can get to 10 i'm not saying i don't get to 10 out of 10 stress but she can get there quicker and um the girls were shouting she was in the car getting stressed and then before they got the seatbelts they both leant over and whispered in her ear on either side breathe girl breathe my girl there's nothing more annoying than when you're trying to be chill someone going yeah just breathe just just breathe

um so i've been doing that and then uh have i told you i've got to go into school for roman day yeah i'm so excited i'm in for the whole day for that i'll let

you know how that goes in a toga in a toga well yeah lou's got bought me a toga it's gonna be cold has she yeah because you got dressed to dress up. But it's hard.

They did a Victorian day the other day. I saw it in another year. That's more effort. No, not really, because you could just wear a suit with a little bit of a jaunty tie or hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in a bed sheet. Can I ask a question, Rob? Yes.

At what point are you going to change into the toga? On arrival, or are you going to change into the toga on arrival or are you you're going to drive there in a toga I'm going to have to have it in a bag and put it and when I get in go to the toilet and make sure I definitely go to the staff visit or visitor toilet not to the child's toilet and slip into my toga and wonder about I've got to run a stool all day because it said morning or afternoon and we said we're available for both and i thought they'd give us one i'm doing a full shift oh mate what stall are you running i don't know well i thought i said i'll do it with you lou assuming we'd get a stall when it was like crafts or something and then i thought lou could do that and i'll just do a bit of banter you know i mean

yeah yeah of course yeah just a bit of groundwork but i've got a feeling i'm gonna be like trying to make some Roman bread or something with eight kids all screaming at me and I'll just lose the plot and fuck off. I mean, yeah, because I want to see how my daughter socialises with you lot. I don't care about the rest of you. I've got an issue with the school toilet, Rob. Why?

Because I keep needing the toilet when I go to pick up my daughter. That's odd because then you're like the man who comes in every time he comes to pick her up, he goes for a piss in the school toilet. I daughter. That's odd, because then you're like the man who comes in, every time he comes to pick her up, he goes for a piss in the school toilet. That's an anxiety thing, that is. Well, it's because I'm always in a rush to get out, and it's a 20-minute drive. And so by that point, I'm like, oh, God, I've built up the need for a piss.

So you go for a piss every time you pick her up, five times a week? No, not every time. You're doing 10 pisses in a school? No, I'm not doing 10 pisses. I'm not doing 10 drop-offs obviously she's ill today so that's two pisses avoided so it's eight pisses this week uh well no rose's friday pick up because of last leg but if you do do it morning after afternoon afternoon it's always pick up it's never drop off never drop off always pick up right but I fear exactly what you've pointed out. What I was hoping you'd say is, no, they're never going to notice you go for a piss every time.

But what you've done is straight away, you've absolutely identified my fear. A million percent and even more so because you're off the telly. Oh, God. Do you know how Josh Whitacombe's kid goes to school? Oh, what's he like? You work on reception. A bit odd, really.

He seems a nice bloke, but every time he goes into the toilets. Oh, what's he like? You work on reception. A bit odd really. Seems a nice bloke but every time he goes into the toilet I think he's either got a coke problem or he's a paedophile. Or both. So this is why your technique, right?

So what you do is you need the wee. You can't change that. So you come out the toilet in front of the receptionist you go and rub your nose. So in automatic, you're like, right, knew it, coke head, classic TV, right?

Rub your nose. And then you come out, and then you say things like, God, I'll tell you who's beautiful these days. Helen Mirren. Isn't Judi Dench beautiful? And just all of the old famous women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I think Miriam Margulies has got something about her as well. Yeah, Jane Maggie Smith. Exactly. What an arse. No, no, that's too much. I think if you're pretending to have a coke habit and then complimenting older women, I think getting a bit, that's a little bit laddy, a bit FHM.

I'd love to have sex with Zoe Wanamaker. No, don't say you'd love to have sex with. No one's ever had sex that said that. I'd love to have sex with. With. So I think that's your options, Josh. Okay. So see how you get with that.

All right. I'll see how that works. I'll let you know. Also, this keeps happening. Sometimes when my daughter's a bit busy with school and stuff she gets like a bit restless in the night and you can hear him like making noise and then she'll go oh that that hurts you know that something's hurting on her but but she's not hurting her in the day but she's a bit uncomfortable and stuff like that and i just have to lay with her and it's so knackering josh and

then we and lou do shifts but but's, she's sort of half asleep, half awake. I don't know what's going on. How long for? Sometimes it could be a little while, like, and in the end, we've like given her a bath to sort of just like snap her out of it.

Like just to sort of get her back in the room and then resettle rather than, cause she's sort of half, you're like, my foot's itchy or aching and kicking around and all that. And you're laying there and he sort of, and then just, it goes on for ages. And then I did it the other night, and then she'd gone back to sleep.

But I stayed there for the next, like, 20 minutes, just, like, looking at my phone. Like, one ear podding, like an Uber driver like you, right? Yeah. So, like, while she's asleep. And then I've creeped up. It's, like, 2 in the morning by now. I'm just getting to the door.

And she went, Daddy? And part of me just wanted to be like because you want to be kind and cutting just because there's nothing wrong with you just go back to fucking sleep and like that oh i was getting ready to sort of slightly not be me but a little bit just go look you've got to go to sleep you know that we've i've given you a cow pole i've laid with you you've got like i gave her like a cold compressed thing to put on her then there was nothing wrong with her leg you know and then uh she went daddy and, like, getting ready to sort of tell her, not tell her off, but be a bit harsher.

And she just went, thank you. And rolled over and went, I've never felt more guilty in my life. I was like, you've got it. Oh, God. Thank you, Daddy. You know that? Oh. It's brutal.

But, yeah, that was last night, so we're a bit tired today. What else have we got going on? Christmas tree's up. Everything's up Christmas-wise. What? Tree up. We would do it 1st of November if we could, but we've been a bit busy, so we've done it 3rd week.

You've got to be kidding me. It's lovely. Why not? Christmas tree's up? Yeah. It's November the 20th on the day of recording. You love Christmas. Why deprive yourself of a couple of weeks of it being cosy and lovely in your house? Don't worry. I listen to the Christmas music on the way of recording. You love Christmas. Why deprive yourself of a couple of weeks of it being cosy

and lovely in your house? Don't worry. I listen to the Christmas music on the way to school with my daughter. That's what we do. Oh, I can relax now. Yeah, yeah.

Well, the Christmas trees aren't even on sale in our neck of the woods. We've got, we have fake trees. Of course you do. We spoke about this. That's why.

Stiff neck, loose neck, Christmas tree divide yeah but it just i i just think like if you had a real one it wouldn't you can't put it on there it'll die but we just that one year it was a fucking disaster get two get one for december one for november oh my god yeah maybe we need to do that yeah and are you excited about christmas i am actually what do you want for christmas rob what do you want for Christmas, Rob? What do I want for Christmas? Nothing, really. We're not buying.

I think it's too much pressure on families, Christmas, and too expensive. So not only is it a lot of money, it's socially draining because you've got to see everyone, and also, like, guilt draining where, oh, they get me something. Oh, bloody hell, they're coming round and they always get us something. We've got to get them something. Oh, bloody hell, but they've got a load of money and they'll get me something nice and I don't want to get them something shit, but that'll cost me too much and all that. So in our family, we don't buy the adults' presents anymore.

That's nice. We just get it for the kids because I've got so many brothers and sisters and sister-in-laws and all, you know, because I've got four brothers that near enough all got partners and all got kids. Like, it's insane insane we don't buy any adults any presents we get the kids presents the grandkids so they'll get a present from each family so i'll get my niece and nephew present each and stuff like that and then we sort of all get something for the grandparents because otherwise no one's getting you know because

they're older and stuff like that and then me and lou will get each other something but we might we we might just go away in the new year and not get a present for each other. Oh yeah. Nice. Yeah. And because it's my birthday in January as well. So it's like, I don't,

I'm not really a present guy. Yeah. It's just, I just don't really want anything. No. Do you know what I mean? Tough. Do you know what time just want some time back.

That's all. But do you know what I mean? Like, why am I waiting for someone to buy me a book that I can buy myself? I buy some socks rob it's it's a middle-aged thing isn't it yeah i think it gets i think when you're like younger so if you're like a kid or you're like early 20s and you're a bit skin or whatever that stuff's like quite handy but when you are like a grown-up and really apart from it unless someone goes oh i've i've just bought you a two-week holiday for your entire family yeah i'll take that yeah that'd be quite handy but really actual individual gifts and

stuff like that is not really and it's hard now because you can't buy anyone a dvd it's really hard to get people the death of dvd and cd has fucking destroyed me it's's like, God, it used to be so easy. Just go to HMV and fucking smash it. So easy to rap as well. You can get like five for 25 quid or something. You know, them cheap ones. They go, oh, you lot, this is a classic. It's back to the future.

There you go. Merry Christmas. Yeah. You want something physical as your gift. I don't want a month of Netflix. Buying clothes for people is always a lot, isn't it? Oh, just write it off. Just fucking write it off.

Here's 50 quid. I was going to get you some trainers, but it's no point. When someone hands over something, and I know it's going to be clothes, I think, why have you done this to us? Or a scarf. Oh. Who wears a scarf apart from from old people are about to die yeah i do not need a fucking scarf mate my neck's never been cold well speak for yourself obviously

i've got neck problems rob i could do oh yeah there's absolutely falling apart i don't need a scarf i haven't got much of a neck to be honest i think that's what my beef is so it's like i'm just shoulders and head so there's nothing to wrap around it's almost like a chin chin scarf but um but yeah no i think try and have a honest discussion with family and go should we just not buy adults presents because if i had to buy adults presents right that so it'll be lou my mom and dad um my four brothers and then their partners that's 11 adults just my mom and dad and brothers so even if you spend 20 quid on each, that's like, what, 240 quid or 220 quid? It's not even the money.

It's the kind of when you spend it and you know that they don't want a fucking scented candle. Those presents for people that aren't, like, really close to you are just punts. Or those boots, three for two two get a lynx for him get a dove set for her and get a bath bomb for a kid there you go josh i did so very middle class the other day yeah i'm over to the dark side rob right i like sourdough bread right you've fucking changed exactly i have don't get me wrong i do like a bit of like a white bit of hovis with a bacon sandwich in the morning. But if I'm having toast, it's sourdough for me.

I've completely converted. But I find it goes off a bit sometimes, doesn't it, the sourdough? You've got to keep on top of it or freeze it. I've bought a bag that you put the sourdough in to leave on the side so it doesn't go off. Like a bread box, but a bag. Apparently you should put it in a bag, it don't go off. What are you doing? Staying up at midnight watching QVC?

No, it was just in the shop. It was next to the sourdough. They know what they're doing. It was a Marks and Spencer's bag. You've been absolutely fucking done, mate. It's just a bag, isn't it? No actual middle-class person would buy that for their sourdough. So what do you do with your sourdough?

Well, you know it's meant to be stale. So you just have it stale? It's after day two. You're not meant to enjoy it you just meant to desperately get to the end of it cutting it like it's a piece of rock with a knife no but i cut it all up straight off and stick it in the freezer and then just it tastes just as good if you if you put it in the toaster from frozen oh here we go here we go do you not do that? No.

You're just throwing away half a loaf of bread. I'm never throwing it away, Rob. You just have it stale. Fucking fighting my way to the end. It's too hard when you buy it, never mind stale. It's too hard. It's too hard, generally. French sticks as well.

They're shelf life's getting short. You buy a French stick. I pick it up warm in the shop. Get home 5 p.m. that day. We might as well use it as a javelin. Rock hard. I think a French stick that's too thin. I'm going to say it.

I think French sticks are shit. There you go. No, no. I think I've said it. No. I've said it. I don't think they're any good. They're too much crust.

Not enough middle bit. No, I don't. I don't eat the middle bit. I take it all out. What't think they're any good. They're too much crust, not enough middle bit. No, I don't eat the middle bit. I take it all out. What? So you're pure crust? So if I have a bit of French dick, I'll scoop out the bread and throw the dough in the bin. What? And just eat the crusty bit.

With stuff on it? Yeah, or a bit of butter or whatever, yeah. Why don't you like that? That's the best bit. I don't like doughy bread. Send it my way. I don't like it. Pop it in a jiffy bag and send it to me, mate.

It's horrible. It's all doughy and bread. Send it my way. I don't like it. Pop it in a jiffy bag and send it to me, mate. It's horrible. It's all doughy and horrible. We should go and buy French sticks together. I'll enjoy the middle. You can enjoy the outside. It's meant to be. That lady and the tramp. I'll roll it over to you if I know.

Yeah, exactly. No, not for me. Also, Josh, I'm thinking of buying a van. Don't. Why? Because it's too on brand. It's too on brand but i just think i've always got to take stuff down the dump the kids are all messy and then the dogs can get in the back to the dump no but there's always something coming or going or boxes got to go somewhere or or got to get this,

we got to get the bikes in to go to the park, the dogs in. I just think a little, a nice one. You can get ones that are nice. Have you bought a barber yet? You are such a country squire. Have you bought a barber jacket yet? No, I haven't got a barber jacket. I've got a-

I give it six months. I won't be surprised if Lou buys you one for Christmas. I've got hiking boots, which I never thought I'd own. Yeah. For my walks in the country. Have you got wellies? No, not wellies. I can't be surprised if Lou buys you one for Christmas. I've got hiking boots, which I never thought I'd own. Yeah. For my walks in the country. No, not wellies. I can't go that far. Also, wellies don't, they're so uncomfortable, wellies.

Just wear a pair of boots. How deep are you going? Have you used any baler twine yet? Who? What's that? There's still a long way to go. What's baler twine? It's the string that they use for hay bales that in the country is used for all kinds

of tying up activities but no i've got a long loop with a long reins jacket which is a proper waterproof jacket for dog walks which just goes over the top of stuff so yeah i quite enjoy wearing a well i've already got into waterproof stuff from goreTex. Oh, my God. Because before, I used to just have wet feet. You're really in your 30s, Rob. I know. But I like being dry.

What can I say? I feel like you're actually an older person than me since you've moved to the country. You're buying a van to go to the tip and take the dogs. I know, but I just don't have something where you can get... I feel like when you've got a van, anything's possible. possible like when you're driving along and you see stuff on the side of the street you go that's cool isn't it like i can stick it in the van what the fuck are you gonna you're cruising around the local village looking for a mattress well some people leave pallets you don't need to be cruising around with a van picking up shit from people's pavements i like i

just i just like the idea of having a van that the kids throw the kids in and if you get one with like the two... Throw it to all the kids! If you have one with the front seats and the back seats, you can get like six seats almost with a bit of the back and you can get them done nice. My mate Sam, the AV man has got a nice one. But it looks like a nice

it's all like leather seats and comfy and it's got a nice thing. It ain't like a dirty old van. It's a nice van but it's just a big boot essentially. Yeah. It ain't like a dirty old van. It's a nice van, but it's just a big boot, essentially. Yeah. So I'm tempted to get a van. You're getting a van. I'm going to buy a van. I want to buy a van.

I imagine going to Centre Parcs with the van. Yeah. Double nightmare. I could start doing boot sales again. I like boot sales. Oh, my God. We used to do a small business shout out, didn't we? Yes.

I should also shout out that Ivo Graham, of his parish as they say, he's doing a charity gig. The money's going to great cause and it's an incredible line-up. It's at the Indigo O2 isn't it, for the MS charity. For the MS Society. It's Tuesday the 28th of November. Some Nerve it's called, Some Nerve

the 28th. Maisie Adams on, Rosie Jones, Joe Wilkinson on, Brady, Michael Oduwale. Finn Taylor's on as well. Finn Taylor, Sakisa. It's going to be great. Go along to that. 28th of November at the Indigo 2.

That is for charity. Great line-up. The reason Ivo does that is his mum has MS, and he ran a marathon, didn't he, with her, or the half marathon while pushing her along recently. Yeah, he pushed her in the wheelchair as he ran a marathon, the mad bastard. Yeah.

Good on him. Someone wants to be the favourite son. Okay. Yeah, he pushed her in the wheelchair as he rang a man from the Mad Bastard. Yeah. Good on him. Someone wants to be the favourite son. Okay. Right, here we go. Hello, Rob and Josh. Long time listener, first time emailer. I have just opened a bookshop with an event space in Shoreham by Sea.

Oh, the old rope walk. I've played the rope walk. Have you done the rope walk, Rob? Yes, I have. Not Shoreham in Kent, by the way, which I went there first by accident. We have a small children's section with a pay it forward scheme allowing customers

to donate to our underfunded school libraries the shop is called chapter 34 and can be found on Instagram at chapter 34 books and the 34 is 3 4 thanks from Kelly 45 mum to a 28 year old step daughter 17 year old boy 15

year old girl and step nana to freddie h2 good on you kelly get yourselves to chapter 34 books in shoreham by c hi uh i i'd scanned down rob this was the first i looked at and i thought it's got to be this one yeah i would love it if you could do a small business shout out for my friend Ellie Evans. It's called Peaceful Pet Passing. And it's for all pet owners who know our furry friends can have a limited time with us. Ellie is a fully qualified vet and she and another vet friend realised there was a need for a special at-home euthanasia service, allowing loved pets to have a peaceful goodbye in familiar surroundings and with family. They can tailor each case to needs.

All pets, stroke animals, covering Berkshire, Wiltshire, Oxfordshire and Hampshire. www.peacefulpetpassing.co.uk Thank you from Alicia. There we go, Rob. Lovely stuff. Joshua, I'll see you next week. I'll see you on Friday, Rob, this week. Oh yes, of course. See you on Friday. See you on Friday for

another bloody guest. Bye. Andy Bush here from Guestimators, the brand new game show where guesswork beats Google. Join me, our resident quiz master, Statman Matt, and a celebrity guest as we dive into the brains of the great British public. Statman,

what sort of questions have we been asking? Well Bush, here are some of my favourites. Who's the best Irish person? Which finger would you chop off if you had to? And how many human sized corgis could Prince William beat in a fight? To play along at home and listen to the podcast, just visit guestamators.com. I think I'd chop off my left little finger by the way. Hi, my name's David. Here we go. Can't do it. So we're trying to do an advert for Chatterbix.

Hello, my name's Joe Wilkinson, and I do a podcast with David Allen. It hasn't got a thing. Chatterbix is a podcast magazine and chat show, isn't it? We're on three times a week. We have loads of guests, special guests, surprise guests. Natalie Cassidy's on regularly. Yeah, loads of people.

Loads of people. Andy Goldstein.stein. Okay, can I read some of the highlights? Yeah. Interviewing a Red Arrow pilot. Chatting with Ricky Gervais, Harry Hill, James Acaster and Catherine Ryan, amongst others. Visiting a haunted house. That was creepy. Being taught how to act by Martin Freeman. Backstage at the Blur concert

at Wembley. And I met my hero, Andrew Roachwood. And I'm not ashamed to say I cried. That's Chattervix on all the regular channels. Cheers. C-H-A-T-A- B-I-X. Chattervix. Well done, Joe. Thank you. That's our promo. Goodbye. Yes!