Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP38: Kimberley Nixon

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant actress - Kimberley Nixon. Follow Kimberley on instagram @realkimberleynixon Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with henry can you see rob backett and can you see Rob Beckett? What's Rob Beckett?

And can you see Josh Whitacombe? What's Josh Whitacombe? Oh, I think that's an interesting accent, Rob. That sounded stateside. Canadian? This is my three-year-old son, Henry's effort with your names. Turns out He's not that familiar

With your work He's eight month old Brother Alex Maybe too little To have a go But did contribute Some backing vocals Love the pod

Thanks for the laughs Margaret from Alberta Canada Montreal Canada Oh Oh My word So close

So close Probably the best We've ever done, isn't it? Yeah. Really impressive. Why did that come into my head? Alberta, Canada. I mean, I sort of just guessed it, a Canadian city.

Where is Alberta, Canada? I've never been to Canada. It must be so close to Montreal. Have you done that Montreal festival? No, I haven't, actually. I did the one in Australia that's run by the same people, just for laughs, it's called. It's just loads of short spots.

Yeah, so it's just a cool, um, 4,000 kilometres away from each other. Oh my God, no wonder you made that mistake. It's just so close. Just over the border of Ontario,

the border of Manitoba, the border of Sakatchewan, and then you get to Alberta. Alberta, Canada, yeah. So just, just, I'd say, what, probably about a four-hour flight away?

Yeah. Just so close. Are you aware of the comedian James Mullinger, Rob? Yes, UK guy who went to Canada and he got massive in Canada, didn't he? Yeah, he's got massive in Canada. And I watched some of his stuff.

All the stuff is so local that I don't understand any of it. So he's just sort of like an English guy take the piss out of them. But he'll literally be naming streets in Canada and people are going fucking mental for it. Oh, hang on, hang on. Washington. Is Washington...

Washington's on the... Where's... In America. Here we go. Washington. Here we go. I know the mistake you're making. I know the mistake you're making.

Washington. He's scratching his head. Is Washington near Seattle in the northwest of America? Rob? Yes? Look at the panic in your eyes. Hang on, where is the president? I thought the president was near New York and East Coast.

He is. What's that place over there? Do you want me to tell you? Please. Washington State is where Seattle is, but Washington DC is on the East Coast. You're shitting me. So what state is Washington, D.C. in?

I don't know. Is it a state of its own or is it in? Yeah, it's a district of Columbia. It's a district of Columbia. Holy fuck. Everything's falling apart. It's in its own tiny little district. It's in a district of Columbia. Holy fuck. Everything's falling apart. It's in its own tiny little district. It's in a district of Columbia.

So is that not a state? No, I suppose not. So it's Washington's, like, an area. Washington, D.C. is a district of Columbia. This is mental. And then that's in Maryland? I don't think it's in a state. Delaware.

Oh, my God. It's not part of any state. It's a sort of separate body of power that was created. All right. Who turned you into fucking Captain Donald Trump? Now, I'm all about America here, Michael. How do you know this? I love America.

You love America. I was in New York a couple of weeks ago. Did I tell you Donald Trump went to the UFC that I was at? Oh, did he? I have never heard such a big cheer for anyone entering an arena. Walked in with Kid Rock and Dana White, and they were playing American Badass, the Kid Rock song. Jesus Christ.

I've been to loads of events in my time. I've been to the Super Bowl. You've seen Romesh. I've seen Romesh live in Crawley. I saw you do the 99 Club to eight people back in 2011. And honestly, I've never heard such a noise. And also I thought that fair enough.

If it was in like the deep South, but New York is supposed to be a bit more, I know it's the UFC UFC though, isn't it? Rob? Bloody hell. But yeah, it was mental.

Do you like kid rock? You're a kid rock fan, Josh? I'm not really a Kid Rock fan though. I used to like him when I was younger I've listened back to it

and I was a confused young boy. Says the man who's just spent the last five minutes trying to work out why there's two Washingtons. Well mate

that is fair isn't it? Yeah yeah yeah. On the map Washington is bigger over by Seattle than it is the other side. Wait till I tell you there's a Boston in Lincolnshire, Rob.

It's going to blow your fucking mind. There's a Glasgow in Montana. There you go. When you've got a big place like that, you do run out of... There's a Manhattan in Kansas. Washington is square. I tell you what, Manhattan in Kansas looks fucking shit. I thought Washington DC was shit when I went.

I hated it. There you go, I've said it. Why did you go there? Sorry, I thought Washington, D.C. was shit when I went. I hated it. There you go. I've said it. Why did you go there? Sorry, I've got a cough. Oh, is that where they are? Sorry. Next time you do that, you should go,

sorry, I just can't stop sneezing. Yeah. Just to see if anyone reacts. Bless me. Bless you. Oh, you don't sound well, Josh. Just calm. Sorry about that.

I keep ejaculating. Anyway, why don't you about Washington? We were going around America when I was like 21. Six weeks in America. Sure. We're doing like East Coast, New York, Boston, Chicago. I know there's more into it, but yeah, that kind of route. Then we did Washington DC.

Everything that you've seen on TV is in the space of 100 yards right we were there for like three days and we were done in like 20 minutes and then it's one of those places a bit like I mean LA's not as extreme but it's slightly like that where everyone's there for work rather than because they want to live there no that is exactly what canberra's like in australia because it is for the government everyone there's working it's really all work buildings yeah exactly right okay i'd say i don't know how many listeners we've got in washington dc a few experts biden maybe michael will find out another time but yeah no i I find whenever I do go travelling, I sort of do about three hours of sightseeing and then just go and get pissed somewhere.

It's quite bleak, actually, isn't it? It is quite bleak, actually, yeah. But there we go. That's life, isn't it? That is life. I sometimes, when I look at an American map... I thought you were going to say man, then. When I look at an American map, I'm like,

oh, right, so that's where that place is that I've heard of a million times. I know the geography of america so badly well i think our generation because of the american pop culture movies and tv and friends and stuff like that dominated our childhood years so much that yeah i am obsessed of america to a point it's almost weird we just are because that's what we got brought up on yeah totally that's why like there's scranton isn't that where the office is set it's near new york i had no idea oh anyway should we have a quick bit of correspondence before we bring on

kimberly there's a peter bra in canada the excitement there for that we'll do his correspondence but our guest today kim Kimberly Nixon, absolutely brilliant. She's a very funny, talented actress and person. So I knew Kimberly from Fresh Meat and a few other TV acting jobs and stuff like that, but I wasn't fully aware of how popular she's become on Instagram and the subject matter. She's got a boy she'll talk about, but also she had quite full-on postnatal depression through sort of OCD, intrusive thoughts,

and she's really honest about it but also very interesting and very funny but we also in this episode talk about that but it goes very base level where we talk about willies fannies and massive shits so it's a real double-edged sword there's something for everyone there's something for everyone what you're offering here Rob is what is known as a double trigger yeah it's almost like this is if you combined an interview of kimberly that she would have done for fhm magazine and then news night you would yes interview but a combination yes exactly and that's how we operate if you don't want to hear about willies or postnatal depression or ocd that's your trigger warning i want to hear about that all the time

yeah of course you do dick's f fannies are mental health. Exactly. Dick's fannies are mental health. Bloody hell, that's just a day in my life. It's a bloody bumper play, isn't it? Yeah, Dick's fannies

are mental health. Just quickly, 77 people listening in the District of Columbia. 77 people in the District of Columbia. I wonder whether they're Brits

who are covering the American. Anyway, shout out to you. Love it. Get that to that 200 we'll come and do a small art space yeah the live show for you just make we'll just have to double we'll send out a link we'll make sure when you're all available you know them little calendar things people sent for a school of hair and drinks yeah anyway so stay around for kimberly nixon it was one of my favorite episodes i found it so interesting and really funny. Now, Josh, this is a positive car crash story that you wanted. I love the way he said Stay Around for Kimberley Nixon as if people are going to go,

I only listen to the first ten. I hate it when the guest comes on. So this is basically from Tom and Claire in Epsom, Josh. Yeah. Okay. And then one day Tom was in Frome in Somerset and was rushing to get to a gig. Claire, pre-meeting each other, was on her way to babysit her sister. Having only passed my test a month earlier, I had music on too loud and forgot you have to look both ways at a junction.

Pulling out straight into Claire, who was driving past. Crashed straight into the side of her car which needed a new door and she was a bit shaken up but I got a number off a mutual friend and sent her a message a couple of months later. Now we're married with two little ones. Needless to say the wedding had a lot of car crush related paraphernalia

and jokes. Our kids Mia who is 47 months and Alfie who is 17 months. We love the podcast and hope you enjoy the story Tom and Claire lovely Epsom

superb they met in a crash do stick around for Gimbley next do stick around last one then we'll get the old Nixon on

on the recent episode with Scarlet Moffat you asked about mean nicknames listeners have been given as kids I'm one of 8 kids all born within

11 years Jesus fuck that what sex bastards your parents anyway my horrible grandma have been given as kids. I'm one of eight kids, all born within 11 years. Jesus. Fuck that. Sex bastards, your parents. Anyway, my horrible grandma. I love it.

My horrible grandma used to come and stay for months at a time. A cold woman with absolutely no love in her whatsoever. Love it. A cold woman with absolutely no love.

I think old people get too much of an easy ride if they're being dicks call them out that's what I say this person who's one of eight kids and has got this cold grandma

that comes and stays are they a Victorian? because it feels well no no respect your elders what if your elders are on shipment do you know what I mean

yeah anyway she called my oldest sister the big pig because she ate a lot oh fucking hell one of my brothers the the big pig because she ate a lot. Fucking hell. One of my brothers, the wee wee man, because he wet the bed.

Oh, I thought she was Scottish for a bit. That's horrible. Fucking hell. She's like something from the Roald Dahl. The wee wee man. And another brother, spaghetti man, because he was skinny. I suppose one could argue that she said it how it was. Some of us got off lightly, though, myself included. I was the Irish beauty.

Keep up the good work from Anna. Not bothered about anonymity. She's long gone. Cold, cold woman. Oh my God. Cold woman with no love in her. And if she's up there looking down and us hearing this,

you should be fucking ashamed of yourself, you miserable old bitch. I imagine she's down there looking up if anything right here is kimberly nixon enjoy stick around kimberly nixon welcome to the show thank you very much for doing this thanks so much for having me i'm very excited well we were just saying we had loads of people requesting you from your instagram stuff obviously we know you as an actress from fresh meat and stuff like that but your instagram sort of is moaning about your kids it's the right thing or just talking about them who are we to judge i mean people in glass houses yeah no sorry there's probably like my family just emailing

the hell out of you trying to get me some exposure yeah no I started my Instagram going on a year after I had my little boy suffering quite badly with postnatal mental health I started an Instagram and then I started being honest and then it kind of ran away from there that being honest stuff people really like and would you call yourself because Josh I don't know if you saw this other day I got tagged in something saying about we're parent influencers are we? well yeah and is that where you are now Kimberly? absolutely no one should be looking at us that is frightening it is frightening isn't it

it's really worrying can you give the listeners a rundown what's the set up at home how many kids you got what's the score I mean don't be men I'm not like breeding everywhere I've got just one just the one boy he's just him three a couple of weeks ago he's been dog two cats

and do your cats and dog get together how to get together get together do your cats and dog get together in the evenings do they get on they sort of get on the cats were here first so the dog is very much oh it's like Beckett. Even though she's like 50 times bigger than them, she knows where she is in the pecking order. So the cat's the boss? Yeah, I mean, they're frightening. I'm terrified.

Cats are so hard to figure out, aren't they? They're so... Aloof. Aloof. Yeah, they're so cool and aloof. And a dog is so the opposite of that. Like, I popped the shot to get milk or something. And it's like I've come back from war for my dog.

Whereas my cat, as soon as I'm dead, will start eating me. Yeah, I struggle with cats. I think cats as kittens are the cutest. I know dogs are cute, but I think a kitten is so fluffy and cute. And they just sort of sit there being cute rather than running around mad like a dog that's how they get you that's how they get you and then they grow up and you're like that is not the cat I married and then you want a divorce they're psychopaths they lure you in with like charm and but behind the eyes they nah nothing they're serial killer oh yeah well they are serial killers. They just kill. Their main passion is murder.

Start chomping on you before you're cold. Whereas my dog would loyally go to my grave every day for 50 years. Yeah. Right, okay. What dog you got? We'll get on to your child. Is that what Grave Friars Bobby did? Yes.

My dog is called Bobby. Oh, there you go. Exactly. Very, very Friar Bobby vibes. Although I don't think she'd find it. She's quite stupid but she the mix of alsatian labrador and border collie jesus so super loyal needs lots of running and is constantly trying to herd things like cats yeah like cats you're just like as if you're not

in our gang so yeah i know we're here to talk about parenting and we will get onto it, but... No, what are we here for, really? What are we here for? What are we here for? Nothing really. What are we here for? Yeah, yeah. So, my kind of feeling on this...

Our dogs... Hang on a minute. He's like, you've really got in on this. You feel like you've been thinking of this for years. I really thought about this. It feels like you're Charles Darwin, guy, and I think we might have been coming from monkeys I just feel like

dogs is too broad there's too many types of dogs and they're not similar enough to all be the same thing do you want to

streamline the species I don't think they're all dogs Joe I agree if you said a horse was also a cow people would go

that's not true but we're throwing in a fucking sausage dog with a rottweiler and saying that the same animal yeah i saw someone walking a dog the other day that i honestly i was sort of aghast because i couldn't see the point in them even leaving the house with it because it was so pointless like it, it didn't even really have legs. It was so small. It was like taking like a ball of yarn out. And then you've got that. And then you've got those like. Big dogs.

Yeah. You've got dogs that you're like, how have you got that in your house? Cause you could ride that. And then you've got a dog that someone's carrying in a bag. But Josh, you and Anthony Joshua are humans. I'd say the sausage dog

and the Rottweiler could use you two as an example. Yeah. If you put Josh next to Anthony Joshua, you'd go, there needs to be

different words for what those two. Because of the size, yeah. Yeah, you can't call them both homo sapiens. That's insane. Yeah, yeah. Josh and Anthony Joshua

are the same species. Just to be clear for our listeners, Rob isn't talking about race. Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. When I say we need another name... I'm a super fit, handsome man. And Auntie Joshua.

Yeah. But I do think I've got whippets. And that's, again, it's sort of like half cat, half dog. It's not really a full dog, the way they sort of curl up. Super skinny. You've got two kids. So I've got two kids. They're going to be eight and six in December, two girls. And you've got boys three.

I've got boys three. So you're in a different world to me, I think, age and sex-wise. So they can really talk back to you, I imagine? Yes. We've recently spoke about this on the podcast. I've started calling my wife's boobs Milky Bad Boys because I think it's funny and it's rude and it's quite degrading, actually. As a sort of audience member of it,

it's very much them directed it at Lou. They don't really know what to say. As the dad as well, it sort of feels like three women butting heads and I don't want to get involved and look like i'm sort of back right on yeah i just step back and go you're gonna have to fight amongst yourselves i don't think i should be mansplaining and then i let them fight out what breasts are yeah well you shouldn't call breast milky bad boys as a man my little boy just turned his winkle his will. So what do you call it?

Because we use bits, but people say bits is a bit too childish and you should say what it actually is. You're supposed to say like penis and vagina. Yeah. There's something quite harsh and clinical about that. I don't know. I haven't got a little girl, so it doesn't really apply. But we have a word in Wales, so I live in the Vannies in South Wales.

And for a girl's bits, it was always a foof. A foof? Yeah, I think a foof's fine. It was always a foof, like my foof or put your foof away or whatever. Put it away. I did that a lot growing up. Right, okay. And then a sort of family thing that's happened with my nephews and now with my little boy,

for boys' bits is a Wilson, and I don't know why a Wilson a Wilson yeah like the ball in Castaway yeah Willie Wilson is it or just Wilson it kind of was Willie and then I think my nephew started calling it a Wilson and then so will he say mum say it's sore for whatever reason he was like my Wilson sore well he's not quite at that thing so like if he's out getting out of the shower and I'm like totally down and he's a little bit, I'll say, oh, it's a bit Chilson on the Wilson, you know. Chilson on the Wilson.

He will use the word Wilson. His speech isn't quite there yet. It must be difficult to learn to speak if your mum's saying, is Chilson on your Wilson when you get out of the shower? As a three-year-old, you're probably going, I don't really know what's going on here. So much therapy already.

He's just found it. He's very much found it now. Josh's boys, slightly younger, or about the same age, I think, I heard they get erections as babies. Is this true? It's so weird. I don't like it at all.

I don't know what to do with that stuff. So I'm just a bit like, to my husband, I'd be like, something happening. He's like, normally, but't like it at all. I don't know what to do with that stuff. So I'm just a bit like to my husband, I'd be like, something happening? Is that normal? And he'd be like, yeah, it's fine. So that'd be like when you're changing nappies. Josh, do boys get boners just like walking around the house? Well, walking around the house

isn't a nappy. The babies get boners. A boner is a strong word. Okay. So a semi, they'd get a semi yeah i suppose don't say semi sorry i mean regardless baby don't say semi okay half a lob on no no no there's a kind of something's going on down there josh what do your boys call their bits? I've only got one boy and he's... He'd refer to it as his penis. Okay. Is that weird?

No, it was just quite official. You said that like the headmaster of a private sort of balding school. He would call it his penis. No, I tell you why he'd call it his penis. Thank you, Mr. Widocum. I'd tell you why he'd refer to it as his penis. Why is that? Because his older sister, they do all the proper terminology at school.

Do you know what I mean? Yes. So that's where that is coming from, if that makes sense. Yeah. But what did you say for her bits when she was little before school? I think we said vagina. Is that weird? No, it's what you're supposed to do but i find it more i find it funnier

what did you say rob we call it schlong and puss puss is that wrong kimberly's face you know what i can't handle and i think it's a posh game is um front bottom i can't, I don't like that. It's awful. Awful. We just use bits. We use bits. But they know it's vaginas and penis, but we use bits.

Do you know what? Our kids might listen back to this when they're about 15 and this will be the worst moment of their lives. Let's hope it is, because if it is, then they've had pretty good lives. Your boy's three now. Is he in nursery? Because he's not in school yet, is he? Let's hope it is, because if it is, then they've had pretty good lives. Your boy's sort of, he's three now. Is he in nursery or is he, because he's not in school yet, is he?

It's a year or so away. No, but in Wales, actually, compared to England and Scotland and things, they go to school earlier. So he just turned three. Really? Yeah. Sorry, was that... I know. I'm implanting it.

I thought it was much later, actually. No, I'm joking. Based on the Welsh people that you've met. Yeah, I know. Well, I'm joking. My mother-in-law's Welsh. Very intelligent lady. Very intelligent lady.

Very intelligent lady. Most intelligent person I know, actually, I'd say. Oh, yeah. What about your wife? Do I really know her anymore? I almost feel like we are one. Do you know what I mean? So, you know.

What do you call her bit? Her lose? Yeah. Would you say vagina? I? What do you call who, Bix? Who, Luz? Yeah. Would you say vagina? I'd sort of say like, you know, sort of like a good friend from school you've not seen in a while. Sort of like. No, what would I call Luz Bix?

An acquaintance? An acquaintance. An acquaintance. I'd say a loyal friend. I wouldn't say how's your, and then,'s your... I've never come up with a conversation. Your partner talk about your vagina very often. How would he refer to it? I wouldn't be like, are you ready to put your penis to use?

Like, I wouldn't... Is your vagina ready for me? Lou, is your vagina ready? No, okay. You're still reading your phone. Fine. Give me a nudge when you're ready. Lou is your vagina ready no okay you're still reading your phone fine give me a nudge when you're ready

you sound more like a gynaecologist is your vagina ready it's weird isn't it why do we find it sort of quite awkward to talk about as well as sort of all grown ups

it is mad isn't it it's a British thing yeah can I move it off the sex parts if you want what do you call your arse John

I know I said move it off the sex parts oh i hear you i'm a bit of fun because you've written and spoken about having ocd yeah what was that like when you then have a child where everything just goes to kind of disorder yeah i didn't know i had oc obviously i've had ocd my whole life but i didn't know that that's what it was called i'd never aligned myself with it in that way you know from what i'd seen on the tv of ocd it was things like germophobia or hand washing or oven checking light switch checking stuff like that and i never had any of those symptoms so it just didn't sort of ping on my radar that that might have been what was going on. And then I had my little boy and the birth turned quite traumatic. And it was right bang in the middle of COVID.

It was October 2020. And what I thought was maybe the baby blues kind of thing, you know, you're sort of expecting, didn't really lift. And then it just got worse and worse over the next few months. I wasn't really ticking the kind of postnatal depression boxes. So I got really frightened because I didn't know what was happening to me. And what was happening was that my mind was constantly risk assessing danger around my baby all the time. I'm getting stuck on it in a cycle, like a stuck CD. I couldn't stop seeing terrible things happening to my baby all the time, like really vivid images. Oh my God. And it was terrifying. It was really terrifying. I'd never heard of it before. I'd never heard

the phrase intrusive thoughts, which is what it turned out to be. And so when the OCD diagnosis came around, I was a bit like, what? No, I don't think so. And then as I learned more about it, a lot of my compulsions, so the C bit of the OCD, they're the things that you do to try and neutralize the obsessions and the bad thoughts. And a lot of mine were mental. You couldn't see them. So for a lot of OCD sufferers, it will be things like hand washing or touching their head or little tics. I did have a few of them. so for a lot of OCD sufferers it will be things like hand washing or touching

their head or little ticks I did have a few of them I used to click a lot to click away the bad thoughts right bad image and obviously the more you do that the more it emphasizes to your brain that it's something you need to be wary of it's a danger yes so it kind of went on for there and I was got really really poorly because I I sort of spiraled really what was you doing when you had the thoughts you know you was clicking and stuff was you trying to organize stuff and control stuff how was it manifesting if it wasn't the cleanliness or the light switching or was it all in your mind it was all in my mind yeah so I could be changing the baby and then I think to myself okay don't take your eyes off him for a second because he can roll off the table and then fall onto the kitchen tiles but instead of just that

being a normal of course that being a thought that passed through especially a new parent's head yeah I became obsessed by it and I would see it I was constantly seeing two realities I was seeing what was right in front of me I was also seeing five seconds into the future all the time and it was the worst possible outcome it was me bathing him and me looking away for a second and him being under the water or something like that you know yeah if i went to sleep what if something happened to him while i was sleeping so i won't sleep then that's an easy fix that's an easy fix. That's an easy fix. Yeah. That's that solved. After 10 days of not sleeping,

I remember a midwife saying there's a reason that they use sleep deprivation as a sort of torture technique. It's really, really effective. And it was. That was it. So then I wasn't sleeping to kind of like where you get rid of a lot of your brain spam in your sleep, like your nonsense thoughts.

And I was just processing them awake. Oh, God. And I was just terrified out of my mind because I'd never heard anybody ever talk about this happening after they'd had a baby. How old was the baby by this point? The trigger was the birth and the baby. So it was right away? Yeah. So I got diagnosed with

postnatal ocd which i didn't even know was a thing i'd never heard yeah i didn't even know that was an option let alone one that you'd want to take yeah i'll go for the cesarean and then the ocd postnatal yeah specifically i wasn't tickingCD postnatal. Yeah, postnatal specifically. I wasn't ticking those postnatal depression boxes, the sort of things that we're more commonly aware of. And it wasn't until the postnatal OCD thing came along that I was just like tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. And so had you had OCD without knowing it before?

Yes. Right. So then suddenly my whole life shifted into perspective and things started to make a lot more sense yeah so before you had the baby obviously so when it really kicked into sort of an extra gear because you've got this precious thing that you're responsible for how was it manifesting before was it sort of like through like job roles or if i don't get that if that goes wrong was it would you having these intrusive thoughts about more different type of things at the time it sort of seemed I'd have little bad patches and I think it's also hormonally linked I think women with OCD

find that it gets much worse around their period and things like that and so obviously having a baby giving birth is like the ultimate hormone plummet so let's do that but it would just be i was constantly what they call mental reviewing and i've got a really good memory so i would have a conversation with somebody or and one tiny little sentence or bit or facial expression or image or something would stick in my mind and that would be it for about three weeks i'm constantly playing that over and over and trying to fix wow. And trying to fix it. And obviously then what happens is your brain kind of gets bored with that and starts to, maybe they said this and maybe they meant that.

And so everyone gets intrusive thoughts. Everybody does. You know, you're on the motorway and you're driving and you're like, you're just swift. Yeah, yeah. You're not going to do it. Or jump in front of a tube, that kind of thing. All the time.

When I was in London, all the time as a tube was coming in i'd be like it'd be so weird if i just dip my head forward like i wasn't gonna do it yeah it was just a weird passing thought but people with ocd it gets stuck in your brain so for some people say the moktuig one it'll be like oh my god am i a psychopath am i a serial killer and i don't know it oh right am i a terrible person and so they analyze it and they try to find meaning in it where they don't need to yeah and so treatment for ocd is learning to just let those thoughts be there and let the uncertainty of things be there because what happened with my little boy was that after I completely exhausted any danger happening to him my brain picked up the idea that yeah but you couldn't look out for any danger all

around him but what if you're the danger what if you don't know you're a danger oh my god what if you sleepwalk and you're a secret serial killer what if you fall asleep and roll on top of him what if you snap suddenly and murder your whole family it was all these things happening and so how do i keep my baby safe from me when i don't know if i'm a danger the anxiety in the mind will just constantly evolve even if you go well that's not going to happen because i've changed his nappy 50 the first time you change your nappy everyone's nervous but for you it's sort of built up built up built up that's the thing with OCD never enough you can never feed the beast enough and so you what you have to learn to do is cut off those compulsions so for me mental reviewing I have

to catch myself doing it I have to cut it off yeah and not do it and I have to be able to sit with the uncertainty so pre-baby maybe that I had upset somebody or I had said something wrong or people were mad at me or whatever the thing was obviously the stakes are much higher with when the baby came along so yeah it was basically learning to completely rewire my brain since having my little boy it's not what you need when you're trying to do a night feed is it just gonna quickly rewire my entire way of thinking actually milky milky what you call them bad boys milky milky bad boys i'm just contending with mental turmoil and milky milky bad boys so yeah not ideal and if anyone is suffering from this or feels like they identify

with that what should they do for me i spent endless endless hours in the middle of the night googling looking everywhere to find someone somewhere in the world that was experiencing or had experienced something like me like i was and i couldn't for a very long time i couldn't find it and then i did i found one tiny article on i think an anonymous on the mind website where this woman wrote down her experiences of postnatal OCD and having absolutely terrifying thoughts around your baby. And then I was like, oh my God. So then I started looking into it more and realized how common it was. And what you fear when you've got that tiny baby and you're having these horrible, horrible thoughts is if I tell

anybody they're going to take my baby away from me. You're frozen with terror. You don't know what to do for the best. And so I sort of promised myself back in those very sort of dark days, if I ever got better, that despite the cringe factor and the embarrassment and the kind of,

I mean, it's very private stuff, but like I wanted some woman to Google in the middle of the night and come across my experience. and so basically I would say speak to your GP your midwife your health visitor they've heard it all before it's just not spoken about as much as postnatal depression yeah having scary intrusive thoughts in new parenthood especially or any time around pregnancy is so common. And I wish I had known that.

I wish I had known that I wasn't this medical freak. And did you speak to your husband about it? I did, yeah. I think that was a real saving grace for me is that me and my husband had been together a really long time before we had the baby because he was IVF. It took years and years and then IVF suddenly worked and I got pregnant February 2020 and then in March 2020 the whole world just like blew up but I had a really bad patch in drama school I remember I was watching a play in drama school

and this weird thought popped into my head and I couldn't understand why this thought had popped in and then for the best part of the next year all I did was try and solve why I had this thought. What does it mean about me? And I became really poorly whilst also doing my first jobs out of drama school, which were like Cranford period drama and like the teen films that I did. So I've always wanted to kind of be open with the fact that you know you can have OCD and be a kind of not like a useful person but you know I've worked my whole career whilst having it I just didn't know that's what I had yeah and you can sort of enjoy your work now rather than be doing it with that thought repeating in your head exactly because I know I know what it is now

there's not it was the fear before it was the fear of like, what is happening to me? What is happening to my brain? I was perfectly normal yesterday. And now today I've had a baby. My brain's sort of gone haywire. For example, now say you're out for the day of your boy and you're aware of all this and you've got your coping mechanisms.

You sort of rewired your brain. Say you're walking along and you're crossing the road to go to the trampoline park like that. And then your brain goes, well, if you don't get across the road well enough, there's going to be an accident. And then even when you get to the trampoline park, he's probably going to bounce off something and it's going to be my fault. Is that the kind of stuff that would start and then it escalate from there? Yeah. Does that still come in now and you deal with it or does it not come in? That's the thing. I think that when people have postnatal OCD or OCD in general, and they have a bad episode of it, what you want to happen, because of course you do,

is you want these thoughts to stop. You want the bombardment to stop. So you do anything you can to push them away. And the more you push them away, the more they come. It's like, don't think of a pink elephant. It's the first image that pops into your head. So it took me a very long time to learn that I can't stop these thoughts coming as much as I wish I could. I can't. And the more I try that, the worse they come. I have to be able to let them come and go and not judge myself for them.

I have to let them pop in and pop out and whatever without reacting to them because the reaction to those thoughts was the problem not the thoughts themselves that's almost an extra layer of it because you're having these thoughts you're trying to deal with all these thoughts but on top of that going oh and you're a bad mum because you're having these thoughts so then you're getting attacked from both sides do you because I've done CBT stuff before about sort of like thoughts that can come in but like I don't necessarily think it was OCD or stuff like that. But one thing that they will sort of talk to me was that to sort of almost say like, Oh, I wonder what my next thought's going to be.

And then that separates a barrier between you and the thoughts because the thoughts aren't you, they're just stuff that your anxiety and your brain's producing and, and sort of making it less personal makes you feel more separate from the thoughts. Is that something that you do? Is that helpful? Yeah. So I read something actually a couple of days ago that said, if a thought starts with what

if, it's not coming from you. It's... Yes. I sometimes like to think of myself as Robocop often. It's like, what Robocop? When you see his view of him scanning things and kind of scanning for danger, it's kind of like that's what your brain as a human being is doing all the time. It's just scanning in your surroundings, your risks, you're making sure you're putting one foot in front of the other.

Obviously, mine kind of went into overdrive and made me believe that there was danger all the time. And so you're in like fight or flight all the time. But the idea that if it starts with what if, it's a sort of risk assessing thought. It's just coming in. It's not really coming from you. That was a really big thing very early on.

When I would take the baby out in the pram, I live in the valleys, there's lots of hills. I'd be like, work my hands for a second, forgot to hold on to the pram, just let it go. And then it rolled down the hill into traffic. And so I would grip so tightly onto the pram, trying to fix that problem. But all that was doing was reinforcing that there was a problem in the first

place where there wasn't. So would you look like go online to look for like a strap to tie to your arm? And would you try and solve the problems physically as well as like in your mind of like buying stuff? Yeah, and a lot of what happens, especially with postnatal OCD, is that you try and make things safe by proxy. So you'll have your partner change the baby

or wash the baby or carry the baby downstairs or so you'll try and eliminate your part of it. But that's all avoidance and and so you cbt is used to treat ocd a lot of letters coming up but cbt with an emphasis of erp with erp is exposure response prevention so you expose yourself to the thought or the fear or the whatever it is so for some people with ocd, that might be germs. Yes. Because I think in that they get them to drink from toilet water,

don't they? And stuff like that. It's true. You just face the worst possible thing I don't think that's session one, but yeah.

Or lick a toilet seat. But that one that's been sort of cleaned, a fairly clean one, you know, not a charring crustacean, do you know what I mean? I'm talking about

one in your house that's been cleaned. You want someone with the kind of germophobia subset of it but it's debilitating to the point where you can't go out in public anymore because you can't use public transport you can't use public toilets all that kind of stuff it's about learning yeah sort of facing that fear there's there's another mum who's a really great source called katherine benfield and she was one of the first people I'd ever heard of speaking about postnatal OCD she had the kind of harm OCD that she would accidentally or maybe on purpose if she snapped because she was so tired hurt her baby and part of her therapy was going to um Selfridges on Oxford Street and she had to hold her baby and go up all the escalators and then back down again

just all day wow because she one of her fears was that she would drop the baby yeah what if she just lost it for a second and threw the baby over the side of the stairs or something like that so these horribly terrifying thoughts about the thing you love most in the world and so you have to face it so that she did it for a whole day and it is it's like you said it's it's like holding a spider if you're terrified of them you know yeah and was there one thing in particular that you had to do that on there was one thing that was really getting at you that you had to face head on or was it more of a general cbt calming of the thoughts and accepting of the thoughts i think it was learning to to be, I mean, you know, you hear all these praises

and they're all a bit like wanky and stuff, but like self-compassion and all that kind of stuff. But if you genuinely, for the best part of two years, believe that you're the worst person in the world, then starting to be kind to yourself not only feels impossible, but it's imperative. Otherwise you don't think you deserve to get better. So first of all, it was allowing myself to think that I should get better and that I could get

better for a very long time it wasn't lifting it was getting worse and worse and worse and we're talking you know we're reaching my son's second birthday and it's still the same and it's I'm going to be like this forever and the other problem was that a lot of my OCD is mental. It's in my head. It's invisible. So I'd always think, oh, I wish I had the hand washing one because then I could like sit on my hands or tie my hands up. I could physically stop.

I could keep myself away from a sink so I didn't wash my hands. But how the hell do I stop a horrible image popping into my head before it does? How do I do that? It sort of felt impossible. So some of the treatment, which I found the hardest, was allowing those movie scenes to play out in your mind. So uncomfortable. It feels like you're wearing someone else's skin. It's horrible. It's's really horrible you push through and then suddenly your anxiety lessens and things aren't as bad as you think and it's just a thought it doesn't mean anything and so slowly slowly you get better honestly it's amazing that you're in a position obviously still so recent your son's only three and I think there's so many people and especially women that

like you say maybe suffering with this now or had been before and that thought of I don't want to tell anyone because they'll take my baby away from me kind of thing what would you say to anyone that feels like that at the moment I would say I never saw this coming right so I was in a place where I was married to my best friend you know really happy marriage we tried and tried for years we had IVF he was so wanted and so when he was finally here this healthy perfect baby I was so ready I remember the day before he was born I was so ready to meet him I felt so ready to become a mum you know I was there I was at that point and then it this happened one I'd never heard of it it frightened the hell out of me I thought I was the only person and it's really difficult to have an illness where you're it's like having a kidney infection but that you deserve it

if you know what I mean it's a really horrible illness in that way because it makes you feel like you're a terrible person for having the illness in the first place like what kind of illness gets a kidney infection what sort of monster gets a kidney infection so asking for help feels absolutely impossible and that's some of the most heartbreaking stuff I've ever had to do is be very very honest with strangers with like medical professionals about the worst darkest corners of my mind to do with my little boy because I wanted to get better and I would say now that I've put more stuff out and people have come forward to me there's so much more stuff out now than there was when I was ill if you google intrusive thoughts if you google postnatal OCD this stuff will come up you will find it in a way that it wasn't coming up for me two years ago.

So just tell someone you trust, speak to someone, don't be afraid. Often I say on my podcast blog thing that I do, I write little articles and I say that I know how difficult it is to walk into that doctor's room and sit down and say these scary things. So just show them my little thing. Just go this. I can't say it out loud, but this. And as soon as you start shedding light on it,

it was such a curveball that Instagram was attaining quite in my recovery. So I always thought it was like full of knobs. I just thought it was like parchmented and convenient. Oh, it's still full of knobs. Don't worry about that. It's still full of knobs. I just thought it was like posh munchies and bobs oh it's still full of knobs

don't worry about that it's still full of knobs and I'm one of them my for you page is mainly Milky Bad Boys to be honest yeah Milky Bad Boys and I just

when I first went on there I was like what is this this isn't for me at all and then I kind of had nothing to lose and I kind of dipped my toe

in being honest and putting more stuff out there and saying this is happening and then getting in the two years I've been on there having thousands of messages from people who say oh my god my daughter's 25 now but that's exactly what I went through and I suffered in silence for such a long time because I thought I was a terrible mother I thought it made me a terrible person or I get it from partners who say, I think my partner's experiencing this. And so there's just so much more stuff out there.

And the more light you shed on it, the less power it has. The more that I talk about this incredibly soul-destroying, cringey, horrible, embarrassing stuff, the less power it holds over me because I've thrown light into the darkest corners. And so that's what I would say. That's been my whole thing. Just talk more.

It's really inspiring. It's amazing. Yeah. Because people will be able to go, I feel like this. And then they can show your Instagram, your blogs, your podcasts and stuff. The links to all that in our show description.

And also we're going to put you straight in our top three of biggest gear shifts mid-podcast that we've ever done. From foofs in the house, sure. It's like the one show. It was unbelievable. Yeah, we sort of went from pet names from our wise vagina to OCD. Kimberly, I mean, we'll have to get you back on again to sort of do a bit more of a what we'd call a traditional interview. Because obviously that took up a lot of the meat and puddings of the chat.

But I think it's really important. But yeah, well done for talking about it. It's not easy. And it's such an inspiration for people to be able to say, look, she's a successful actor and mum and is in a brilliant place now. And she wasn't at one point. So it's brilliant what you're doing. So well done. You should be really proud of yourself.

Thank you, guys. But I thought this was going to be more we just got back from cyprus and my son did an eight inch long poo next to me that's what we're looking for we've still got a few minutes let's talk let's talk about his shit and then ask the final question but we will get you back as well to have more of a loose chat all right this has been an ocd sandwich but with vaginas and shit either side of it alright so very quickly in a nutshell we're in Cyprus

what you didn't expect is me and Rob to be interested in a topic so you were really on that you got right on that you were like we're for shit you're like oh lovely

go on so we're in Cyprus we're finishing lunch obviously really beautiful lovely sunny weather the clear sea is right there so my husband's

finishing his lunch and I said, I'm going to take the baby over. I say baby, three-year-old. Take him into the sea or whatever. So I had like my bathers on under a dress

and I thought, I'll be all right now and I'll be for a few minutes. It's fine. So I kind of get down off this little wall off this kind of esplanade and I go into the water

and he loves it and he's splashing around there's little fish everywhere it's great and then he starts to put that face like he's mad

and I was like oh no oh no and the longest shit I've ever seen like a tail was coming out the back of him

and I think it was like the kind of coldness of the water had like shocked him into it yeah when that cold hits the anus. I don't know how else to put this.

I don't know how to put this like scientifically, but he like, he wouldn't pinch it off. Oh, it was hanging. Like a goldfish. It was hanging out with him and it was like eight inches and it's starting to float. And then I look up and my husband's on the sort of little seawall looking, like first of all, he was taking pictures, like how lovely and cute. Then he's just, his face has turned to utter. He can't comprehend what he's seeing. So I start yelling at him going, do something, do something.

And he's like, what shall I do? I was like, I don't know, get a bag. What do you do with an eight inch turd in the sea? What do you do? And all these lovely people were not too far away swimming. And I just thought of it. Anyway, so he breaks this turd off. It won't sink.

You'd think it would because it was girthy. No, they're called floaters for a reason, Kimberly. Come on. It's not your first rodeo. Bringing it back round. It was like Wilson in Castaway. It just floated away. And he was sort of reaching for it, honestly.

And so my husband then just thought, well, there's nothing I can really do to help. Like she's going to have to get out of her her cell so I'll just take pictures of it so we've got loads of pictures now of me trying to get this giant shit floating away did you catch it no and I was like I've got to go back in and get it he's like that is the maddest thing I've ever heard right and I can't I can't spend the rest of the holiday. I've got OCD. I thought of some woman having a wonderful sunset swim and then this giant turd barracuda coming at it. I couldn't handle it. Yeah, I don't think it's OCD to go in and pick up the shit

your son's done in the sea. I think that's just being a good citizen. Yeah, just a good egg. I wanted to be a good egg. And then my husband literally put his hand on my shoulder and went, the turd's gone, Kim. And I'm sure it disintegrated and fish ate it or something and it was gone. But for me, it's still there in its form.

And it's just floating past someone who's trying to have a lovely holiday. Is it a metaphor for you dealing with your OCD in a way, Kimberly? It is a bit. It's gone. It's floating somewhere in the ocean, but far away. It's floating somewhere in the ocean but far away so you can relax. I've learned to let it go. Yeah. Exactly.

I can't control all the shits in the world and I have to be okay with that. And sometimes you go for a swim and there's a little bit of shit in your mouth, but that's life, isn't it? Exactly. It'll come back around and that's just life and I'll get... The thing is now, if anyone sees a turd in the sea, they'll think of you. It was so long. You haven't been on to Loch Ness on holiday, have you?

Starting all those rumours. Sometimes I just sit and think about how long it was. It was massive. He's a little kid. He's small. It's like, where did that come from? And how he just was big. It was a full leg.

It was bizarre. Is that good Cypriot food? It'll do that to you. Oh, don't. Don't. On your jumper, there'sot food. It'll do that to you. Oh, don't. Don't. On your jumper, there's a brain. Is that your... Yeah.

This is all very new. So I have this thing called Kim Thorns in my brain, which is this absolutely shambles of a podcast. It's nothing like this professional. Oh, yeah. We're incredibly professional here. Yeah, no, it's an absolute shambles. And I do little articles on a sort of sub stack.

And literally this week, I've become a huge merch wanker and got merch. I kind of hate myself a little bit. Can you show us the merch with your camera? We turned cameras off because the internet was... Can I turn it on now? Well, let's try and turn our cameras back on, see if it sounds okay. A little bit peek behind the curtain for the listener. The internet went, so we turned the cameras off.

Oh, look at that. Oh, now you've got merch. I like it. Influencing my brain. Not today, brain brain and there's a brain i like it my saying like when my ocd would try and kick in on a day it'd be like not today brain i've got it i'm in the driver's seat i don't need you to i'm good thanks for flagging it up but i'm good kimberly you've been absolutely amazing thank you so much and good luck with your podcast good luck much. And good luck with your podcast. I'm not going to say good luck with your brain. Good luck with your brain.

As well. Good luck with your brain. Good luck with the shits on holiday. So if people want to see, hear, and read more of you, is it the Head to Kim Fluence in the Brain podcast? I think I'm real Kimberly Nixon or something, but you'll find me on Instagram. And Instagram is all there. I was right in the midst of being really unwell.

So I'm pretty honest on there. And you get to see, I was right in the midst of being really unwell. So I'm pretty honest on there. And you get to see the same looking behind the curtain. You get to see someone in the midst of a postnatal mental illness. So, yeah. So you could even go back to the start of your Instagram and do the full series like a box set. You could see the whole journey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you live alone, yeah.

Another lockdown. Kimberly, thank you so much. Thanks so much. Thank you so much for having me, guys. Kimberly, that was brilliant wasn't it Josh that was unbelievable always respond

to the public Rob if the public wants someone they're right we are merely the USB leads from the power of the guest to the ears

of the public we are nothing but connectors Josh exactly and I'm happy to be the medium rather than the message Rob josh exactly and i'm happy to be the medium rather than the message rob you know what i'm happy to be usbc that's the new lead isn't it is it all devices yes it's an eu law i think we're going with yeah i don't get all political but sometimes their little laws are quite handy um go and listen to kimberly's podcast and follow it on instagram we'll definitely get back to talk properly because i've got a bit serious in the go and listen to Kimberly's podcast and follow her on

Instagram we'll definitely get her back to talk properly because that got a bit serious in the middle but I think it's important

but you don't want to cut that kind of chat short yeah do you know what I mean yadda yadda yadda OCD as your son

had a shit in the sea yeah exactly we got there anyway yeah exactly we'll always get there

brilliant alright then Josh I'll see you Tuesday Tuesday how do we not know it's Tuesday? Poor, isn't it? Poor.

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