Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP39: Tell the truth draw a tear, tell a lie draw a smile

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... **WARNING** This episode contains discussions about the 'magic' of the festive season and Father Christmas himself. Not suitable for younger ears!! Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] (E) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with lydia say rob beckett Lydia say Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Lydia say Josh Whittacombe.

Josh Whittacombe. Good girl. Good girl. I think Lydia's better at speaking than her mum. Lydia say. What the fuck's that, mum? Lydia say. That's not a sentence, sentence mum here is 23 month old

Josh say when you do it you sound like a kind of witch I've got range mate I've got range here's 23 month old Lydia say your names we always listen in the car so I feel she knows you well.

Keep up the great work, entertaining the nation with hilarious parenting stories. P.S. This must be the only recording of a two year old who can say Josh's neck, who can say Josh's name better than Rob's surely. Love Rebecca from Cheltenham. Gloucester. Rebecca from Cheltenham.

Lovely place, Cheltenham. Nice hotel, Jovan. Lovely hotel, Jo it's i was thinking about our job really josh's stand-ups one of our jobs and it's it's actually when you put it under the microscope and you get over the excitement of building your career to the point where you can sell tickets it's actually quite a bleak existence isn't it bit traveling salesman isn't it yeah and it's just like you just come off and there's your tour manager there

that hates you because they have to drive you out. Talk for yourself. That goes like, I consider mine a close friend. That much time we've travelled around the country and you're like,

oh, did they like me? You hate someone, you hate anyone you have to spend time with. No, everyone after a while hates each other.

How's it going with Lou? How's it going with my wife? Yeah, it's all right, actually. Yeah, she's there every day. No, we're good at the moment, actually. So talk to me about the bleakness of stand-up, Rob. Talk to me about the bleakness. Well, because I was speaking to John Richardson last night,

and I'm waiting to go. Oh, that's going to cheer you up. No, but I was sat next to him, and I had a bit of paper in front of me of like scribbled notes, one of my bullet points, Josh, and there was nothing else next to it. Pubes. Yeah. Oh, that's typical of the back of the set.

And I'm sat there, 2,000 people at one of the most famous theatres in the world, and I keep getting it out and looking at it. It don't help. And I just look at the word pubes. Just to be clear, you mean your note, don't you? Just reminding myself what pubes are. Somebody cock out. clear you mean you know don't you just reminding myself what pubes are somebody cocked out side of stage no and i'm like i'm looking at you i went john i've been doing this 15 years at no point have i ever not sat side of stage looked a bit of paper

with words that make no sense and thought to myself what the fuck am i doing you can't do this and that hasn't gone from the first gig i still sit there on the side of the stage just going what are you doing i'd say i have an inner monologue that's just before going on any gig which is what the fuck am i doing with my life and also and then you come off and then basically the running commentary between you and your agent or the tour manager at your bases, how did that go? Did they like me? Because I want them to like me because I went out there. And did they like me as much as last night?

But it's a Monday. They won't like me as much on a Monday than a Friday. You're in a monologue because I can't do this anymore. Mine is, why am I doing this? What am I trying to prove? Why has my life led to this point? But when you're on, it's amazing. I think I can do it. But why do I need to prove? Why is my life led to this point? But when you're on, it's amazing. I think I can do it.

But why do I need to? Yes! That's my question. Not the can, but why? I was too worried. You're too worried about the can. I can't remember the Jurassic Park quote, but there's a joke there. There's a joke there.

What's Jurassic Park? They were there's a joke there. There's a joke there. What's Jurassic Park? They were so worried about if they could, that they didn't think about whether they should. Yes. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Last words of a full Beverly Knight.

Beverly Knight. Bloody hell, that's the kind of fact I know. I don't know. I made that up. I made that up. Also, I saw, you know, Rosie Jones won Mastermind. Yeah. Yeah.

I saw the prep she did. She basically created a fact sheet document about every, she did it on Dinner Ladies and she watched every episode three times. Did you see the quote I put on her Instagram? Yeah. So did you do that for Blur? I might. Not as specific. So what is the point in doing Mastermind? Yeah, so did you do that for Blur? I might. Not as specific.

So what is the point in doing Mastermind? Basically, can you be bothered to do homework? Well, it's the same thing. It's the same thoughts that go through my head before stand-up, Rob. Why am I doing this? What am I trying to prove? I thought people just went on it and you answered, but you're studying for it.

You're doing revision for Mastermind. But that's what Mastermind is. Well, it's not, is it? I thought you were supposed to just know it. You're doing revision for Mastermind. But that's what Mastermind is. Well, it's not, is it? I thought you were supposed to just know it. Not... Anyone can get loads of points if they spend two weeks just learning it all. Do you think people on Mastermind don't do revision? I wasn't going to. You didn't do Mastermind. No, but I would have just picked, like, Arsenal

under Arsene Wenger. Just freestyled it. I would not have done any research. No, I know, but Rob, this is the difference between you. You probably would and that would have been doubly annoying. Blimey,

Rosie Jones knows a lot about this. Anyway. Anyway, I had a point to make on that. Sorry, go on. about when you come

off stage, Rob. When I come off stage? Yeah, I wanted to ask you your advice, actually. So I did Last Leg on Friday. Yeah. I was not very well. There's a stomach bug going around my house.

Oh, yeah, that's what I told you about, because your daughter had it on Monday. It went through the family. My mate had that. Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't know that it – sorry, I've just got a text from, I'm in a WhatsApp group about Magic Christmas, the transition. They're transitioning.

And it just came up on my computer. It's just become Magic Christmas just now. They've started with a version of Fairy Tale of New York sung by Ronan Keating, who hosts The Breakfast Show. Anyway. So is this a support network? What's the point of the WhatsApp group? I know you get excited about Magic Christmas But you know there's Nation Christmas which is on all the time And it also sounds like a far right group that just wants it to be Christmas every day White Christmas

Nation Christmas It does sound So who's in the WhatsApp group About that? Me and Rose and Matthew and Charlie Crosby. Right, and then you get excited when it comes and you know it's Christmas. Well, it just started this morning.

Oh, right, something you started this morning. Rose has Googled it. The transition was today, but it hadn't happened and we were still listening to fucking islands in the stream at breakfast. Right, I get you. And I was trying to argue that we should just go back to six music like we normally do.

And she was like, no, stick with it. And they've just transitioned at ten past nine. Fair enough. Anyway. It's officially Christmas. It's officially Christmas. I've had my tree up two weeks. Yeah.

Why exactly? Why not enjoy yourself? So then I did Last Leg and I was like, I didn't feel at all well. I wasn't sick because then obviously I couldn't have done it. Yeah, because I was watching it, obviously, and I thought you looked a bit peaky. Wasn't it on really late the other day at 11 o'clock? And I saw that and I thought, he's going to be a mess.

He's not going to get the best out of Josh Winnicombe at 11.37pm. England v. Malta, Rob. England v. Malta, who cares? Who gives a fuck? I like football and I don't give a shit about the qualifiers. England v. Malta moved. What time does England v. Malta finish? 9.45.

Oh, we should be fine to be on by 10. No, we're going to still do Gogglebox. So you're on at 11. Anyway, we pay our wages. Not mine. So I felt unwell. So I thought, I'm just going to leave straight away. You know how the BBC is where you go

downstairs to get your stuff and then you go to... I was like, I'm just going to take my bag up, leave it in the makeup room. Yeah. Go straight in and get in my car. Yeah. And it felt so good. And then we did the Christmas special yesterday.

Oh yeah. And I thought, I'm just going to do it again. I'm just going to leave as soon as we finished. I'm just going to leave and send a text saying, thank you everyone. I don't think I'm ever going to go. I don't think I'm just going to leave as soon as we've finished. I'm just going to leave and send a text saying thank you to everyone. I don't think I'm ever going to go. I don't think I'm,

I think I'm just going to do this forever more, Rob. Is it rude? Um, not, not texting everyone. Rob, I'm in the car three minutes after last.

I think that's absolutely fine. I think TV, people fuck about in TV too much. Like I enjoy doing it, but I want to be at home. Yeah. Josh, let's face it. I enjoy the work. I like the people I work with.

Josh, if you weren't getting paid to be there, would you be there? No, but I wouldn't be talking to you at 10 a.m. on a Monday morning either, Rob. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy it a bit. I have to do PR for TV shows sometimes, and they go, oh, what is it that made you want to do the show? I'm like, well, I'm a comedian, and they offered me some money to go and be funny on something. I'd say it's an incredible, incredible job.

And I love it. Oh, yeah. I'm lucky and I love it. But anyone would always rather not be at work. Yeah, of course. And this isn't a tough job. And I do enjoy chatting to you, Josh. I don't think there's any job where someone, we can love our job.

And there's no bit of my job that I don't look for, like I look forward to it, but let's be honest, even if you are headlining Glastonbury, if someone comes to you and goes, it's been pulled, you're going, fucking get in. Also, I love chatting to you, catching up with you, Josh. However, and I probably would ring you once a week, but maybe like at a random point i feel like the work part of this is the pressure

that we have our chat before tuesday morning yeah line of an eddie yeah exactly whereas if you could just sit around and slag off the week with adam and alex it's friday night at 10 o'clock. It's the bit that... We probably, full disclosure, we probably would never have talked about the autumn statement, me, Adam and Alex. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. No! I'm not very honoured to do it. Lucky, very lucky.

Do you know what, Rob? What? I don't mind going on the one show I don't mind this it's a lovely seven minutes but were I not contractually obliged by PR

what if it's not failing to sell for my tour then maybe sometimes I do find myself on a PR run and the tour sold out and I'm livid and basically you're here telling people

they can't come and see me anyway but no I love my job but what was I saying yeah so so I started leaving as soon as I got on

I think it's rude I think if you're finished and also it ain't like you're done at 11am it's late at night you've got to be up early with the kids get't think it's rude. I think if you're finished, and also, it ain't like you're done at 11am. It's late at night. You've got to be up early with the kids. Get home.

Yes, it's 11pm. The producers don't want to speak to you. They want to fuck off too. That's the other thing, Rob. If it's important, message me. When we started the last leg, I used to get drunk with the team because they were my age. Yes. Now, I'm just some weird old bloke hanging out with some researchers

that don't want to – they don't want me cramping their – they're trying to drink with their friends, and I'm there going, yeah, good show, wasn't it? And they're like, fucking hell, I'm going to talk to this old – Where were this silly old bastard leaving me alone? Yeah. I'm trying to get off with her. I don't need him reading from his book.

They don't want me there, cramping their style. Remember when you used to drink and you read a passage from your book to the green room, Josh? But I don't drink anymore, Rob. It wasn't to the green room. It's to one person. I think that's worse. Oh, dear.

But I think that's fine to go home straight away. As long as you're polite and stuff that and also i think i think you feel it differently because when you first started doing that the culture was everyone went for a drink after yeah you know exactly and whereas like now you want to get home and be sensible which i think is a good thing to do josh rob i need to talk to you about my laundry basket right okay i know you've already seen it because rose sent you a picture and i feel like I've been misrepresented. Yeah, Rose sent a picture slagging you off because she went away for a couple of days and came back to loads of laundry. Yeah.

So we can put this picture on Instagram. Yeah. Right. So the picture, what do you want to talk about the photo? It's misrepresented me. She was away for 48 hours. What's that in there, Josh? Is it your clothes? No, that's Rose's pyjamas. Well, they used to be my pyjamas, but I found them too hot.

What, like too sexy? Just keeps on getting a boner when you look at yourself in the mirror. I thought the little peephole in the anus was a bit much. Peephole in the anus? Oh, mate, I was playing football the other day, and I've got a pair of these like leggings that go underneath my shorts yeah oh yeah they're like long johns but because long johns are supposed to be word as underwear aren't they so i wear them and then wear a pair of shorts over the top

but there's a little flappy bit you know where it's the there's no button but the fold over bit for your willy yeah yeah but every time i ran it what came out it's like my knob was just rubbing on the shorts you know and then I'm like going for a tackle and I'm like trying to put my knob back in as I'm I thought I only had a new pair it's horrible every time I run it just escapes

oh dear yeah so your laundry basket yep so she text message going I've come home to this unacceptable and it's a full laundry basket and it's sort of been piled up like it's like a cartoon isn't it yeah but i don't think it's too bad also as well you don't think that's too bad that's good to know i don't think that's too bad i've we've had worse piles but what i'd say is now i know that but some of that is roses so

i don't understand what she's moaning about but she expected to do all the washing while you was away no she wasn't. So the washing is... Whose job's the washing? It's never been discussed, but it came Rose's job, early doors, because I've never understood how to split the washing.

No, no, no, no. This is annoying me, and I imagine a lot of female listeners will be... No, why is that? And male listeners. And male listeners.

No, because I feel like it. I'm male listeners. No, because I feel like it's traditionally a male excuse. How can you not? You can, you can revise for blur. I used to just put it all in together. And it was fine. I'm a nerd for mastermind. Yeah.

It's easy. You do, you do darks, white, and then any colours that are sort of similar. But loads of colours are different. Loads of clothes are different colours at the same time. I don't buy tartan,

tartan pyjamas then. That's what you're doing. What if a cloth is blue and white? Well, I'll tell you what you can do. I know exactly what you wear. You can put all your navy blue jackets in one wash. You can put all your blue and white stripy Pizza Express T-shirts in one wash. And then you can put your dark jeans and pants and socks in one wash.

Okay. I just, I find it complicated. Right. So it's not even that. No, no, actually it's not that I'm going to change my story because I'm going to be more honest.

Yeah. Till I met Rose. Yeah. I used to put all of my clothes in the same wash. Right. Okay. And it was never an issue. So I don't know why they're being split.

And I feel it would just, if I was in charge i'd just shove it all in when we need to and it would still all be fine i'm i'm i do black a black wash because we have lots of black clothes in our house like lots of sports clothes and dark jeans i do a black wash when i do it which isn't very often before lou starts giving me fucking shit a black wash a white wash and then blue what mixed colors and stuff like that now lou does the washing in the house um mainly because when you i'm in and out so i can put a load in but i'm not there long enough in the day to get it out and then dry it and stuff like that so it's become lou's job so

i'm what was rose getting at when she messaged the group going this is unacceptable that you didn't do any washing the i think she came home to what looked like a cartoon washing basket that was yeah it's probably high it's more full than you've ever seen in your life yeah but i don't think that looks that bad it's not on the floor i would have started a secondary pile on the floor the fact you've said that makes me feel good about how good we are with our washing generally then yeah i think you're pretty on it by me i mean rose does it make any difference if you just put it all in the same wash i'm i don't know i'm blowing i'm blowing the fucking doors off the

washing industry yeah here i think you can just shove it all in the same one i don't think you could not white so yeah i just think you can rob no but white no I don't think you can, not white, so. Yeah, I just think you can, Rob. No, but white, no, white, all white. If you can't put the kid's white school shirt in with like a load of black jeans.

Well, how often are you washing jeans, Rob? Well, not that often, but darker clothes. How often do you wash your jeans? Hardly ever. Unless there's actual like human shit on them.

There needs to be so much shit on them. Was you ill when you left Last Egg then? Have you had a poorly bottomed mouth? No, I've got a really annoying illness, Rob. What's that? I feel sick. I feel sick. You basically affected an I'm an ill voice.

You spoke normally. You went, I've got this annoying illness. I feel sick. i don't feel well i feel i feel sick yeah i felt i woke up at half three on friday morning yeah real stomach pains yeah i was never sick and i haven't been sick and to be honest there has been it's awful it's like my stomach stopped working i've never been more but you know when you get ill one of the few advantages is you feel thin i've never felt so bloated in my life really all bunged up it's all bunged up and it feels like something's going bad in there i don't really get

ill that often i just sort of lose my voice occasionally oh it's not good it's not a lot when i covered i felt proper ill and i had norovirus once but i don't i don't really believe in colds here we go i just feel like you're a bit snotty just fucking crack on you whinging bastard yeah do you know what i mean a bit snotty yeah Just fucking crack on, you whinging bastard. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? A bit snotty. Yeah, well, yeah. Your voice will sound different. You'll have to blow your nose a bit. Do you know what I mean?

It's not an illness. You're not ill. You've got a bit of an avanurafen. Blow your nose and get on with work. That's my opinion. My mate used to get ill. I worked with him, Marks and Spencers. I'm not going to name him.

He knows who he is. He'd have two fleeces on Vaseline around his nose. I'm like, well, just fucking go home and give up. Shuffling around there like an old nan on her way out. Leave it out. Blow your nose, have a Nurofen, get on with it. That's what I say. I'd like to be very clear.

I don't wallow in illness, Rob. When I had an employer, when I used to work in an office job, I got colds all the time. Did you? I had a cold probably once a week, every couple of office job, I got colds all the time. Did you? I had a cold probably once a week, every couple of weeks. Yeah, a little bit under the weather, a little bit up in the night. I'm tired. But as soon as I became self-employed, that all cleared up.

It's like magic when someone does. If I can still get paid to have a day off now, then I'd be in love. Not that you're doing it for the money because you'd like to do it, right? Oh, absolutely. I tell you, when I worked in an office job i loved a sick day absolutely loved it it was glorious my daughter's off today actually she's got a sore throat and a cold and a cough and all that but then my other daughter didn't want it was like oh she wants that home as well i'm so sorry for it's horrible so i let her sit in front of the car. Grim. A little front of the car treat.

But she didn't want to go in today because that is the worst feeling in the world when your sibling's off and you've got to go to school. And she had to swim in as well before school. Oh, God. One of the clubs they're offering next term, cross-country running pre-school. Fuck that. Who's doing that? What eight-year-old wants to do that? What is that?

You don't even need the age, Rob. No one of any age should be doing that. Also, it's like, you know how beanbags at school? Yeah. You throw a beanbag, you never throw it again the rest of your life. Who's doing cross-country? Really?

Yeah. There's no development. Even at the Olympics, they don't do cross country do they not they just do marathon don't they yeah they just do run around a muddy field there is one i've seen it on like grandstand or something they do not on the olympics in like a wacky look at this weird bastard sport do you know what i mean and they show you that mud is it like iron man or something is it like Ironman or something? Is it like something like that?

Anyway, that's an idea. It's a charity fundraiser for people with demons. We spoke about this. If you're an adult and you run, there's something going on. He always cries on the last mile. Oh, dear. Anyway, we should chat about kids, really. I tell you, I've got another ailment back, Rob.

Oh, yeah, go on. What's that? Neck? Guess what's back. The old stiffy. Stiff neck? Neck. Yeah.

I've had it bad, Rob. What? Do you reckon it's the cold? Is it a muscular injury? Is it bone? It's been on and off for about two months, but it got really bad in the last week, Rob. You've been busy at work, though, haven't you?

Is that stress bringing it on? It's stress-related. It's stress-related, Rob. But I thought, I texted Michael, I thought I was in a bad space last night. I thought I might have to do this from lying on the floor. You can. You still can. Well, this from lying on the floor. You can. You still can.

Well, I'm okay at the moment. But then you're laying on the floor all the time. Surely you're just in between podcasts, just sat up. No, but the problem is, basically, so this is one of the problems, Rob. Right. It's this pose that's done for me. When do you ever sit like that? All the time. Typing, pose that's done for me. When do you ever sit like that? All the time.

Typing. Laptop. Oh, my God. And get this. No, no, Rob. Pick up your phone. Yep. Look at your phone.

How about that? Yeah, you've stuck your head forward, mate. That's what's doing it. It's my fucking head over my phone. Yeah. Like I'm a fucking... Right, get this. Go on.

I've got a new phone pose i've got to implement i look like a fucking 80 year old profile please profile i need a profile view of this new phone pose so this is me on the tube looking at my phone you can't do that it looks like i'm taking a photo yeah so that's the to... And the osteopath told you that, like, with a straight face? Yeah. So I'm now holding my phone up to my fucking eyes, Rob. I look insane. What about the close...

Can you not do it closer like that? Yeah, I can do it closer like that, but my eyes can't focus that close, so it's about there. Oh, you can't, can you? No. Oh, there goes the neck. Look at that. Oh, that's what it does for me, mate.

Oh, my God, that's insane. It's awful. People think I'm taking photos of them on the tube. Do you know what I don't like? Medical advice. Rob, I'm in so much pain. Is it really painful? Well, no. Do you get massages? Does that help Medical advice. Rob, I'm in so much pain. Is it really painful? Well, no.

Do you get massages? Does that help? Or have you been chiropractor? Yeah, yeah. But basically, if I'm... It's here. It's muscular then. If I go back to just using my phone in the traditional manner,

I'm fucked. Well, have you been to... You know I told you about my feet. We wanted wide shoes for my feet. Yeah. yeah right so actually i made the wrong decision it made my feet hurt more i've had a really sore little toe have i told you about my bad little toe no i had a pain in my little toe every morning i wake up we spend five minutes going people complaining about cold suddenly we're onto my neck. I'm still out and about, boy.

I'm still grinding it out of my sore toe. I'm like Gary Lineker in Tokyo, wherever he was. No, it's amazing. I'd wake up in the morning with a shooting pain in my little toe, like intense pain. And a doctor on Zoom, you know them Zoom doctors, told me it was arthritis. I was like, fuck off, will you?

In complete denial. Anyway, basically what it was was what it was was arthritis your feet get bigger as you get older i'm a 10 now yes because of they spread out a bit and the weight on them and i'm a size 10 i used to be a size 9 okay but i'm a 10 now however i thought i was a wide 9 because i've got weird feet that spread out like hands okay but what happened was as i went to the podiatrist right foot doctor and i went in yeah and she looked at my feet first of all she went stand up on your tiptoes and i did and she burst out laughing and i don't know why she just sort of laughed at me um and then she said well she said i've got i've got a deformed little toe which means it's way smaller than all the other ones.

It's supposed to be smaller, obviously, but it's remarkably smaller, which means that it can't take the weight. And if I walk in a weird way, and by having the wide feet, my little toe was spreading out and all my weight was going on my little toe. So I've damaged it. It's become inflamed. Now I'm in normal shoes, which are a size 10, which fit much better. And then I went to the chiropractor because I was out in bed and I was like,

Lou, I think one of my legs is longer than the other. And Lou was a classic, oh yeah, what's up with him now? I've got that. She looked at my feet a centimetre out. Basically where I've been walking with on my little toe on my right foot, my hips have gone out and I didn't get a longer leg. My left one's got a bit shorter. It's jammed up.

So he's realigned me. And now I've got my shoes on and the pain's going in my toe. But I nearly spent 800 quid on some insoles, which I didn't need. So go to the chiropractor. Well, the podiatrist went, we could have this, which is specially made in a sole. I was like, oh, yeah, cool. How much is that?

It's like 800 quid. I was like, yeah, well, I'll get on just with having a pain. Do you know what? I'm having no gain. I think I'll plough on with a little toe. Oh dear. So anyway, that's my neck update.

That's my toe update. So I thought I was going to have to do this lying on the floor because I can't. The first time it went bad recently was when we were recording while I was away in a hotel room and I did this on laptop and after that I was fucked. I've basically, I'm never using a laptop again.

Or you just have to have it on books so it's eye level. On books, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm glad to know you can do it. I've done, Rob. What? So I stopped drinking and I've started reading books all the time.

That's my new thing. Right. And that's one of my – this is a total stiff neck. I've got this Adam Kay book. Now you're stooping with a book as well. So I've got Reader's Neck, because obviously that is the same fucking – Well, no, you should read the book, How He Told Us to Read Your Phone. Oh, hello.

I'm on the tube. Well, no, you should read the book, how he told us to read your phone. Oh, hello, I'm on the tube. Look at that, Rob. It's too far. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. Just stop looking down.

I'm going to be ripped on the arms because you have to hold them out. Yeah, it's like a strain test, is it? Stress test? Yeah. What about, we should talk about kids, Joshosh i went to lapland at the weekend oh yeah we're going lapland uk are you going when are you going yeah uh we are going after school's out like 16th or something all night near the top yes we went early um we're gonna i'm gonna talk about christmas and father christmas quite a lot so um if adults are listening with people that shouldn't listen,

here's your little heads up. Yeah. We are getting a lot of kickback from the eight-year-old, or she's eight next week, about Father Christmas. Oh, yeah. And lots of questions. Well, we've been – can I go on a quick father christmas rant on that because rose said this to me and i agreed and i don't know i don't want to have a go

at people making their own decisions but i'm gonna yeah i think people that tell their children about father christmas from the off are selfish towards other parents because it only puts their kid we've got a friend who's just never believed in father christmas she's just like a fucking firecracker passing this off to everyone who's five and six and And it's like, if you're going to do that, your kid needs to be locked up from November to January. Because it's putting us, us from the world of magic and fantasy and joy. Yes. That world of magic and fantasy and joy. Yes. That world of magic and fantasy and joy is under threat from your fucking

boring-ass science world. Yes, exactly. And just, also, I think it's become the bit of the new trendy hipster thing to do. Yeah. We need to be honest with our children. All right, why don't you tell them how... You've been being honest.

Why don't you just give them full honesty? Yeah. How did I get here? I fucked your dad and he come inside me. You want some honesty? I'm honest with my kids. And then science happens and then you're born later. Okay?

We're doing honesty. Some fucking honesty, right? Also, we're staying together for you you and we will split up the moment you go to university did you any more honesty what the life and winter is too miserable and hard for there not to be a little bit of joy for the children before they have to accept their fate of grinding through life until it's over. So please allow your children to enjoy themselves. For fuck's sake.

I just, I think that I'm quite a calm person, but I think I would, if someone went up and spoke to my kids about Father Christmas in the playground, I think I'd fight them. But it feels like you're eight year old. Then it is reached the point of being, but that's. So what, so what we,

that's my approach to it because there's people at school. I would say, however, I love that man. UK, my only little thing I don't enjoy about it. And I, I think it's amazing experience is the invites

to sort of the the vibe around the invites is you're invited to go by Father Christmas but you're not actually your parents book a ticket and I I think that does muddy the water slightly whereas if we just went oh no we're gonna you know we're gonna take you to it um the actual place is amazing and after going my daughter was like well back on the father christmas bandwagon of oh my god yeah and so and also as well you can write a letter to him for what you want she wrote this letter and then sealed it and wouldn't let us see the letter uh-oh right however uh-oh yeah so that loo full panic mode i'm a bit more chilled because the way i look at it is the more you ask to to see it, the more they'll say no.

Also, you've got to understand she's eight and she's now going, right, there's a theory here that Father Christmas is in charge, but also there's a theory that my parents might be involved. And she's clever enough to go, if they don't see this, then I get it, we're on. The big dog's coming right yeah so obviously she's also it's also if you're honest about how you're created the big dog was coming that night as well exactly but we haven't been that honest about children we must be terrible parents and i uh so so what i was like if shut up, if we just shut up,

we can grab it off them in a minute when they forget and go, well, I'll look after them until we find the postbox. And then you can go to the toilet and have a sneaky look, right? And in that way, it helped. Lou, head went immediately, please let me look at it, please, please. I'm like, Lou, we don't need to look at it because it's going to father christmas you know and then she's like oh if she was like i literally will get buy your teddy if you let me look at it and i'm like lou what are you doing and who's now actually begging and then we've got and then and then she still didn't budge my oldest and then my youngest

on the way back despite losing credible poker i i josh it was i i've not seen anyone beg before the last time i saw someone beg was when i did my motorcycle vespa test you know you have to get that little when i used to ride a scooter used to ride a scooter yeah so you have to do a little test where it's basically theory in the classroom then you go out on a motorbike and they follow you around and it's sort of like you get a provisional basically to then go and do your full test but you're allowed to go on a motorbike with an l plate anyway i was doing that there was this geezer that came there's geezer i think he couldn't speak a word of english and he really wanted to get on the scooter but he didn't understand any of the theory because he didn't

speak english and then when we were on the motorbike thing he didn't know that red lights meant stop and he was going on the wrong side of the road okay yeah he i've never it was so dangerous right he was like on the wrong side of the road going through red lights and we got back to the test center place the bloke went mate i can't pass you i'm sorry and he got on his hands and knees and begged him and the man was like mate, mate, I'm doing you a favour. You're going to kill yourself. You've got to go and learn about the road before you do this. And that was the only time I've ever seen someone actually beg a person. And then I saw Lou at Lapland UK begging our children. And then on the drive home, we've got these little llamas.

They're like little packets where there's 20 llamas to collect. And we can bulk buy them from Amazon rather than buying them for free when you're in Sainsbury's and they sit on the side. So if they, if they done well, well, they've got, you know,

almost like a, um, pom pom jar, but without all the admin where it's like, if you're really good and you tidy your room and you do this, you do that. You can have one of the little llama toys on the way back. My youngest goes,

mommy, can I have my llama? And I was like, well, you've not done anything to get a llama that like the llamas of when you've behaved or been kind or done something or done some chores mommy said i could have one if i told her it was on my christmas list amazing i was like lou that is toxic parenting you are blackmailing your children with toys and treats to find out information that's a terrible precedent to set and lou just went i know but i just wanted to see because i want it to be magic amazing absolutely incredible but lapland uk was the without doubt the the best

family thing you can do at christmas i think and they do and oh i've been a few times and they're improving it each year they're like they're they're reinvesting it into making it better and a better experience so i massively loved it and it was great to go earlier we've been right before christmas before but actually november was really nice because it gets you in the christmassy mood but um yeah it was brilliant really good yeah well this is what happened with my friend with the invite rob yeah so i've told you before that my daughter's like well i'm invited because obviously I behaved. Why have my friends not been invited? And then this year, this year, her friend, we were at a birthday party on Saturday

and we haven't done the arrival thing yet because we were like, let's do it nearer the time. Yeah. Yeah. And then her friend was going yesterday. She was like, I'm going to Lapland tomorrow. And then my daughter was like, oh oh i'm not going this year and suddenly i was like oh i think you might be yeah yeah and you're like ah it's too difficult and you're like how do you know

you're like oh yeah i don't know what to do in this situation so what we did was because we're up against we're up against the anti anti magic sort of campaign of hate um yeah the other kids not all of them i think there's just a couple um is the what we we stayed we stayed in a hotel we stayed in a hotel near um lapland so we could go in the morning because we had an early slot um but what we did, we had a bit of dinner, and then I had the invite. I took it to the front desk and said, could someone from the front desk come to the restaurant and say these have been delivered?

Oh, that's nice. And they had the names on them, and the reaction was unbelievable. Took them to the wrong table by mistake. Four blokes, four businessmen, absolutely can't believe their luck. Santa's invited them to that, right? So that works. But, yeah, like it is a, you know, it's also as well, I think as much as it is you don't want it ruined,

I think kids get to a stage where it's a knowing ignorance about it all because it's fun when they get a little bit older but also i feel like it it's more like the reaction we're both getting is also that our little babies are big now as well it's a real line in the sand of they're not little kids that can be told any old girl they're becoming their own people and they're making decisions and working stuff out themselves and it's and it's scary

isn't it it is scary because they're not little kids mine's gonna be eight and six Josh I know

when we started this you only had one kid I know now I've got three when Rose's friend came around on Saturday

her daughter's nine and she said to Rose that for the first time she can feel her pulling away. She can feel. At Christmas or in general? In general. Like, not completely, but you can just feel the first bits of, oh, my God. Who are you, you dickhead?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. You're a year from that, Rob. I find as well, like... I don't want that. I think it's going to be difficult. I don't know if it's just with girls. Tell me what you think, because you've got one of each as they grow up.

I find with girls, as a dad, they either... You are either a complete idiot moron, like, what a silly idiot div. Yeah, there is an element of, like, you're a Homer Simpson figure, isn't there? What a stupid idiot. Or they absolutely adore you, right? And they're like wrapped up around you like daddy's little girl. Whereas with Lou, I find they absolutely adore her. She just hates you.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. No, no, with the kids. They absolutely adore her and love her. They want cuddles from their mummy and like I'm all scratchy and airy. They love cudd love their mum and then they also think oh mum's like a bit of an like a bit of an idiot or what have you done that for called mums and dads are stupid but then there's an extra level that i don't get where it's sort of like that sort of like aggie like well who the fuck are you that's coming for it and it's like for some reason i don't get that but they

clash heads with that and i don't know if it's because it's girls. It's because you're not trying to bribe them with a llama. No, but it's like, you know, like there's, with blokes, blokes have a fight or an argument, right? And then the next week it's fine. Where I feel like women, it's sometimes more of a, stuff doesn't always get sorted straight away. So it's a bubbling under psychological thing.

Where a bloke will go, thing would you fucking do that for it's sort of quite immediate and explosive but then stops or goes away where i think with girls and their mum sometimes there's that extra layer of yeah but i've got a good question well not a good question for you rob i've got a question for you go on now obviously you're very happy with two kids yes do you think when the pulling away begins in say a year or two there'll be a pang of oh should we just go one more time do you know what i think if our kids were younger and we just and we were in the position we're in now say we had a you know like a one-year-old and a three-year-old, and we're sort of a bit more settled now because we've moved house

and my work's become a bit more routine, where it was so mad for like 10 years. It's a bit more like, right, I do the podcast, I do some film with Rob and Rommit, and I've got a few jobs that are sort of contracted, where every job I've ever done is like, right, well done, and then next week I'm up writing to find work where with the i've got a little bit of guaranteed work it's a bit more structured i think if we had younger kids i'd be tempted to have more but now

there's a six there's gonna be a six well even if lou got pregnant today there's gonna be a seven year age gap oh well you're up to something today um though it's strictly march it's only march we do that for the old December march is an absolute fuck fest sorry if the show dips in quality in march but I'm exhausted but um it's a yes but I think I don't it's almost like two families when you start having ones that are that big a gap. I think it's sort of like then the stuff you want to do and dedicate your time to, to the older girls, you're like, oh, sorry, I've got a baby.

So I don't think we're going again. Almost definitely not. What about you? No. There's no pangs? There is pangs. There's definite pangs. Well, no, but I just think the practicalities outweigh the pangs there is pangs there's definite definite pangs well no but i just think the practicalities

outweigh the pangs the reality is yeah this is the first time in 15 years no not 15 years but like in a decade when i've not really been stressed right Right. But your neck is completely fucked and you have to hold your phone two foot away from your face, but this is the best you've ever felt. That is an overhang of going away to film that thing with Nish four weeks out of five. No, but this is the least stressful my life has been. Yes.

And it feels like I'm getting a good life-work balance for the first time in history. And it would be mad. Like, Rose is just... I also think Rose feels really... is starting to feel herself again for the first time in... I'd say Lou's the same as well. Yeah, and I just think... is starting to feel herself again for the first time in four or five years. Yeah, and I just think

if you could offer me another two and a half year old now, I'd take it. Yeah, if a little baby... And there was no pregnancy. No pregnancy, and I'd say even a year... Because I'd say, if there was no no pregnancy and there's

knock on the door as a year a one-year-old baby yeah whatever that yeah i just i hate the proper little newborn stage and i love lucid pieces but when she's pregnant we don't it ain't great we ain't at our best yeah you know if you had to put where Rob and Lou are at their best, I'd say we peak at Disneyland. We bottom out at pregnancy. Pregnancy and a busy schedule for me, we are. It's really bad. Yeah. When are me and Rose at our best?

When Rose is away and I'm looking after kids. But she's collected a few favourites on Netflix to help me with my choosing. You and Rose. That's the best I've felt and less stressed in 10 years. And Rose has been away quite a lot from being herself again. Rose has got her life back. Do you know what I mean? It's mad. Rose is

doing like work and good stuff and like I'm doing work but not too much work and it's just like, you know. What else have you been doing? How long was your daughter off school last week? Three days did she have to do? Yeah, she did she threw up on Friday

night, Sunday night. She was fine by Monday morning. But it was fine because my parents were here. Um, and her cousin was here. How did it go taking all the furniture down to Cornwall? I've heard Rose has been listening to the podcast as well and Lou, and we need to get them back on because they've been texting each other, slagging us off. Yeah.

I think it went well. What, the move? I mean, it was a lot of effort. So who unloaded it when your dad got down there well there's builders there right okay anyway rob yes what's been going what you've been doing with the kids you've been doing much for the kids we've done rob we've done the podcast it's fucking flown by it has it has we've been well we talked about i didn't have to lie on the floor once we talked about christmas i think i think're going to get a lot of people

who agree with our big anti-science rant. We're not anti-science. I'm pro-science. It's anti-miserable bastards. Anti-miserable bastards. Trying to be kooky. Put some fucking magic in your lives. Yeah.

Well, you know, as the old quote says, you know, tell the truth, draw a tell the truth draw a tear tell a lie draw a smile is that what they say that was a quote for miracle on 34th street i think we need to dig out that lady that lady that um what is the what she told her daughter oh yeah if someone could send that quote in again because it it is so good. Yes, the quote when she emailed in, we'll find that, about what she said to her daughter when her daughter had questions about the big man. Yeah. Magic Christmas are currently asking Leona Lewis whether she's done

her Christmas shopping. I just can't even face going downstairs, Rob. Right. And what was that, sorry? Just got a text on the Magic Christmas group. Yeah. They're currently asking Leona Lewis whether she's done her Christmas shopping. Well, Leona Lewis is doing a Christmas tour, isn't she?

She's plugging that. That's what she's doing. Is she? Yeah. She's not on there just for a day out. Oh, no. Of course not, Rob. She enjoys it.

Don't get me wrong. She enjoys going on Magic Christmas. I am quite excited to go downstairs and the Christmas music will be on. And now we've got Magic Christmas. Until Christmas Day, when I never want to hear a Christmas song again as long as I live.

Yeah, Christmas. I'm sort of done by Boxing Day. Right, should we do some more business? Can I talk to you about Whamageddon? Fucking hate that. Anyway, we'll do that in the next episode. Whamageddon. That's where you can't listen.

If you listen to Last Christmas by Wham, it's over for you. Yeah, fucking grow up. What, you don't like that? No. It's a bit of fun, isn't it? It's not fun, Rob. Why is it not fun? It's people on Twitter being quirky.

We're becoming miserable old men. We're becoming miserable old men. We're becoming miserable old men. It's a fucking hashtag game. I hate people who like hashtags. We're 40. We've been there. We've seen it. We've done it all.

Nothing's better than your own house. You'll think it is. It ain't. Just get a nice house and stay in it. You'll be all right. Right, here we go. Do you know, Rob, one of my... Have I told you this before?

One of my friends who works in the music industry said the most impressive thing he's ever seen in his life was he was stood at the side of the stage when the Rolling Stones finished their Glastonbury set. Yep. And he said they walked off, and as they walked off, in sync, four cars pulled up, and they didn't break stride, their Glastonbury set. Yep. And he said they walked off and as they walked off, in sync, four cars pulled up and they didn't break stride

and they all stepped into four separate cars and the cars all drove off. Nothing's better than your own house, even for the Rolling Stones. And at the time, I thought, well, that's a shame. And now I think, good on you, Keith.

Good on you, Mick. That's how they're still alive. Yeah, exactly. We've done it. We're, Mick. That's how they're still alive. Yeah, exactly. We've done it. We're going home. We're never seeing each other again. Okay, here we go. Let's do this.

Hi, guys. What are we doing now? Small business. Small business. Hi, guys. We love the podcast, even though I'm a dad to a 227 and 179-month-year-old. It makes me smile at the thought of someone else going through those early starts. It doesn't get any easier. The worries just change. Great news. Please could I do a

small business shout out for my sister's small business. She is a midwife and runs her own business, Aqua Mama. A-Q-U-A-M-A-M-A. Aqua Mama is a fun water-based exercise class designed specifically for expectant mothers and new mothers. They are based in the Lincoln area and all sessions are run by qualified and practicing midwives. Please check them out on Facebook, Aquamama UK, and Instagram, Aquamama Mama. But it's an A, Mama. Mama. How do you say Mama?

Mama. Mama. Mama. It's Mama with an A. M-A-M-A. Aquamama UK. Thank you, Damien. That's nice of an a m-a-m-a aqua mama uk thank you damien that's nice of him bigging up his sister in it yeah very nice it's always nice when someone does it for someone else this is someone who likes magic rob one of the magic crew are you on team magic or you're on team fucking dreary pricks. Hi, Robin Josh. I'm a nation Christmas,

mate. I love their views. I've been an avid listener since day one and would love to be considered for a small business shout out. I wrote bespoke. I write bespoke letters from father Christmas. The real deal. Each letter has unique and written specifically for the child based on information given when ordering. My letters include achievements,

challenges, favorite TV shows, Christmas films and much more. It's always been important to me that they're not templated and are unique to the child. For example, if your child's visited Greece on their summer holiday, he'll mention he's been there the year before and it was a shame to miss them. A lot of love goes into each one to make them as personal and as magical as possible.

Magical, Rob. Magic. A website. My website. My website. My website is www. My website is www.amagicalletter.com and I'm on socials at amagicalletter. Lovely.

Stay sexy and relatable and don't forget, the big man listens, so be good, Louise. Lovely stuff. Right, Josh, I'll see you on Friday. I look forward to it, Rob. Hope you feel better. This Christmas on Netflix, British crime thriller, Silent Night. I haven't got a choice.

They're blackmailing me. They want me to take out three brothers, three rings. This money could set up Daisy for life. Bang, bang, bang. It should be easy for a man in your abilities. Marky, if my family goes down, it won't be the only one. They won't stop contacting you.

If they want you, they'll just keep going. You know as well as I do, Mark, this won't end well. Tell me, when did killing people become so hard, Marky? If I could give up one good Christmas, I'd die a happy man. Silent Night, streaming exclusively on Netflix. Merry bloody Christmas. Andy Bush here from Guestimators,

the brand-new game show where guesswork beats Google. Join me, our resident quiz master, Statman Matt, and a celebrity guest as we dive into the brains of the great British public. Statman, what sort of questions have we been asking? Well, Bush, here are some of my favourites. Who's the best Irish person? Which finger would you chop off if you had to? And how many human-sized corgis could Prince William beat in a fight?

To play along at home and listen to the podcast, just visit guestamators.com. I think I chopped off my left little finger, by the way.