Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP41: Oily dog poop

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... This week we're catching up with some of your correspondence. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] (E) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parents in hell with grace can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe. Very good. That was one of the cutest we've had for ages. Hello, this is my daughter, Grace. It was lovely.

That was very sweet. This is my daughter, Grace, who's eight, doing your intro. This is my daughter, Grace, doing your intro. This is my daughter Grace doing your intro. She was two at the time and now she's three. I recorded this last year. Never sent it as I found out I was pregnant again shortly after and life got too busy for me to send it. Welcome to my world.

Honestly, mate. That is, I'd say, a three-second job. I know, but fuck me. But that would be a nice tick on the to-do list, wouldn't it? Yeah. Send in voice note to podcast. Feels like a really big thing. I've got to buy the school photos after this.

Talking of parenting. Have you forgot to do it? Yeah, I've just remembered that somewhere to do it. What's your to-do list looking like? It's not too bad. My to-do list is, I can tell by my inbox, because what I do with my inbox is I mark as unread any emails that need replying to.

Right, okay. And what are you up to? And so that's a good sign. I'm on six, which isn't too bad. Oh, that's lovely. Oh, and one of them is Michael's intro to this. So knock that down. That's five.

He's flying, this guy. I'm absolutely cooking on gas. So we cut you off what you're saying about Grace. Yeah. Recorded last year, never sent it as I found out. I was pregnant again shortly after

and life got too busy. I'm now writing this during a night feed. Oh, fucking hell, I've just seen when it was sent. With my son, four months during which I suddenly remembered

this recording I had on my phone for my daughter. Sent 24th of November. This was sent Friday night at 11 minutes past three. That is, I think 3am is the worst hour. Don't you think? Yeah. Because 2am, there's times where you've been up at 2am and go,

bloody hell, it's got to 2am. Yeah. At five, sometimes you get up early at five if you've got a busy day or whatever, 3am. My brother used to work at a flower market. He used to have to get up at midnight. Oh, my God. My son woke up at 3.30 the other night.

Yeah. So he's good at sleeping through. So the problem is you get used to them sleeping through, so when they don't't it's suddenly such a shock to the system yeah and so i end up going back to bed i went in because as we've discussed he's too attached to rose so she couldn't possibly go in at night because it would wake him up yes of course yeah which i think is some of the greatest pr yeah spin i think rose should be like a politician spin doctor because also what she's done there

is got out of doing it and also gone and he likes him more on you so he's a little slap in the ass for you he loves him more on you so why don't you put that shift in see you later boy off you go give you something to chat about your little podcast mate fuck off i got back to bed i couldn't go back to sleep really i forgot that when you can't get back to sleep you start to worry about things you just never worry about in the day when i'm tired that's when it creeps in i had today weirdly i've been quite busy but it's been really fun i've been doing loads of stuff for the kids but i have been super busy with christmas gigs and stuff like that in the run-up to christmas there's loads of gigs and

stuff like that i just out of nowhere when i don, there's loads of gigs and stuff like that. I just out of nowhere went, I don't think I'm doing enough for my kids and I don't think I'm taking a big enough interest in their education and their friendship groups and I think they're going to grow up to hate me and not get a job and not have any mates. And literally, I decided that everything that could go wrong for my children will go wrong and it was my fault. And I sat in the car, I was like, where's that come from?

That is mental. And my daughter went into school so happy she was buzzing yeah because she wasn't with you i ruined everything you had terrible parenting oh god but sometimes i could be in the best headspace ever you can just wake up and i had it the other day where i was like everything is shit i don't want to get out of bed and i just won't be able to do anything today yeah you know when you have that and then and i know it sounds wanky those gratitude lists which i always feel like i'm right down your gratitudes in the journal no but that really works but it does i literally was like right i'm going to put all that aside and my

view of that being a bit wanky and just do it and i got up and i had a shower and it was really hot and it was freezing that morning yeah i was so lucky to have a warm shower and that nice and just sort of focusing a little bit yeah and then we got in the car and then my other daughter wasn't very well so she went in i let her sit in the front this was a couple of weeks ago and then she went in happy to school and i was driving and the car was working and it was warm yeah and i've had cars before where the heater don't work and you keep having to windscreen yeah just doing those little bits yeah and that helps and then you can sort of get a bit momentum then and turn it the other way where other ways you can wallow, can't you?

Especially in... I love doing five gratitudes in the morning, Rob. So do you do it every day? I try to. Do you repeat them though? Does that happen sometimes where you go? Yeah, I always do my big dick. That's always on the list.

Four gratitudes in me old Corey. Massive Corey one. Nice carpet so I don't rub the bell on the hard wooden floor as I walk. Sorry, it's a bit gratuitous, isn't it, that? Yeah. I like the word Corey, though, for penis, don't you? Yeah, yeah. That's good, that.

What's the rhyming slang? I don't know if there is rhyming slang Corey. I thought Corey might be a traveller word. Corey penis. Oh, God, this is a difficult search. It's vulgar slang for the penis. Yeah, it is vulgar. You can call someone Corey.

Where does Corey come from? Freddie Flintoff's son is called Corey. Really? Yeah. Where does the word... I'll put in where does the word, and I'm obviously going to write Corey. Nonce came up first.

Don't put that in. It must be a southern thing then, because if Freddie's called his son Corey, it's just a name up north. Yeah, yeah. But down south, it means your penis. I son Corey, it's just a name up north. Yeah, yeah. But down south, it means your penis. I've never heard it before, but I liked it. Instantly, I knew what it meant.

You've not heard Corey before? No, but when you said it, I thought, well, I understand what he means, and I like it. Yeah. The context's enough. Yeah, exactly, yeah. I think it might be a traveller word. There we go.

Interesting. Yeah, we're all learning, aren't we? We're learning. Susie Dent. I'd have Susie Dent on here. She got kids? Yeah, it's Romany. It't we? We're learning. Susie Dent. I'd have Susie Dent on here. She got kids? Yeah, it's Romany. It's a Romany word.

Ah. Borrowed from the Anglo-Romany cor-cor-cor-y penis. Cor-cor-cor-y penis. Cor-cor-cor-y penis. Anyway. Anyway. That's enough of that. Let's do some correspondence. We haven't done any for ages, and we are well behind.

No, let's do some bloody correspondence. Yeah, exactly. Because we're rude. We ask for all this stuff and then we don't get around to doing it. Yeah, exactly. But, you know, people know where they stand. I've got a long one here, Josh. Oh? Don't want to talk about your Corey, mate. Right, OK. Called Dog Carnage Fail, but also name for grandparents. So I might do name for grandparents first.

Hi, Josh, Rob and Sultry Michael. Okay. When my husband was little, he had one nan just called Nan. Okay, thanks for your correspondence. Is that it? Thanks, Rima. No, there's more. Called Nan.

And a second nan called Nan with the cats. Ah, yeah. When Nan cats died, in order to still distinguish between the two nans, she became Nan without the Katz. Poor Nan had a reminder of a deceased Katz every time. Oh, no. So when the Katz died. Oh, my God.

She became Nan without the Katz. Yes. So my poor Nan had a reminder of a deceased Katz every time my husband and two brothers referred to her. Love the podcast. OG listener Lucy from Chester. There you go. There we go. That is good. from Chester. There you go. There we go.

That is good. That is good. Do you want a harsh nickname? I've just highlighted that in red so we know we've done it, guys. Just us a little bit of admin. A little peek behind the curtain. Yeah. We've got a Google Doc, haven't we, Josh?

Two, right. Am I a modern boomer, Rob? Go on. We discussed this the other day, didn't we? Yes, because people sent in a message about things they do with their kids. And I was like, well, that actually is boomer parenting, but in 2023. So we are accepting entries for modern boomers.

Yeah. I had a particularly challenging day with my three-year-old and he's been a total arsehole all day. Yeah, you are a modern boomer. End of email. Calling a child an arsehole. As part of my bedtime routine, we sing Old MacDonald with three animals whilst

counting down the animals on my fingers. For the last one, I just flipped him the bird and held it while I sang. He was none the wiser and it made me feel a tiny bit better about the day. Not my finest parenting moment and thankfully my partner was out so couldn't see me on the video monitor.

Thank you. I'm going to leave her a non. I think that's okay because that's not affecting the child. And the child doesn't know. Yeah. Because you're really giving the situation the middle finger. Yeah, exactly. If you do that, lock eyes and go, what I'm doing here is offensive and you're a fucking arsehole.

I'd say no. Yeah, I agree. I'd say don't do that. But I think a little bird's fine, isn't it? A little bird told me. But my daughter's been doing that, doing peace. You know, they love doing the peace sign for photos. But they've started doing it the other way around.

Ah. So we've had to tell them that's rude. But now they know it's rude. They love it. Now they know it's rude. That's double the problems. Do you want another boomer while we're here? Yeah, I'll take a boomer.

Your recent conversation around reverse boomer parenting and child not brushing their teeth made me want to share a story when i was about seven and we were due to go on holiday to spain my mum told me that in spain there were tooth inspectors who knock on the door to check you brush your teeth and if she forgot she said it and while we're on holiday she was a bit miffed where i constantly smelled minty i took a whole week for the penny to drop i was brushing my teeth 20 times a day no in fear of the tooth inspector oh god fast forward 36 years and whilst my six-year-old son is good at brushing his teeth he's very sensitive to taste smell sensations and refuses

to use minty fluoride age-appropriate toothpaste i've still not taken him to the dentist but i felt i needed to get my ducks in a row before I take him so the dentist doesn't tell me off. So firstly we got him to stop sucking his thumb which was surprisingly quick and easy given how insanely stubborn my son is. Then one evening while I was exceptionally tired from work I decided to tackle the minty toothpaste but he was digging his heels in so you've guessed it I told him there were teeth police who check up on children randomly. Police? That's gone up a level. Now they've got power. Yeah.

Inspector will just report back to the council. To make sure. Police can arrest you. Exactly. Oh, stop stabbing him. There's a kid over here with smelly breath. To make sure they use minty toothpaste. He asked what happened if they didn't.

So I told him he would be sent to prison. No. That's not going to help our overstuffed prisons, is it? No. I even said my friend Sally from school had her mum go to prison because she didn't use mint. Right, this woman's mental. Oh, so she's put it on herself.

No, she was told this as a kid and it freaked her out and she brushed her teeth 20 times a day, which is going to have a terrible impact on the gum. Yeah. Gums recede, man. Yeah, receding gums. Receding gums, Murphy. They do not come back.

Now, she's done it to her own kid. Yeah. I did like getting told off by the dentist. Can I just take you to the end of this, Rob?

Please. I'm not a fan of foreplay. Finish me off. Cue the tears or should I say terrified sobs of i don't want you to go to prison mummy at this point i really should have stopped because his fear of minty toothpaste was equal to fear of me going to prison so it really wasn't a predicament but nope i continued well what do we do to stop me going to prison which about a good

40 minutes later resulted in brushing his teeth through sobs i still feel guilty but i was exceptionally tired i just think having a fill-in's less hassle yeah and i felt i'd gone too far to back down a few days later i decided can't you get a different flavored toothpaste a few days later i decided to tell him i was fibbing i apologized but before i had a chance one evening while brushing his teeth he looked at me and said mommy i know you weren't telling the truth about the tooth inspector and i just smiled and we left it there. Thanks for the great podcast. It's the highlight of my week.

I'm not surprised after hearing that. You're just sobbing in the bathroom, brushing teeth. Her name is Lou from Bromley, Kent. Hopefully my location makes up for me being an evil mum, she's put. Do you reckon that's my Lou that's admitting to that on the podcast? Well, it's a boy. It's a boy, isn't it? Right. Well, unless she's got another kid I don't know about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of on the podcast. Well, it's a boy. It's a boy, isn't it?

Right. Well, unless she's got another kid I don't know about. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. No wonder she's tired. She's hiding a boy in the house.

No, no, I just think you're going to go to prison because you don't brush your teeth. Helpful. Is it? Who am I to judge? Well,

that's boomers for you, Rob. That's boomers, young or old. That's modern boomers. Do you want dog carnage fail? Yeah, big time.

Dear Rob and Josh, my wife and I were owners of two dogs before we had children when we heard we were pregnant we began making adjustments to our home life in preparation for our newborn the dogs were kept out of certain rooms they were no longer allowed upstairs and they had to now sleep in the kitchen etc it took some getting used to for the dogs but once our son was born they soon adapted as new parents we received presents from very generous friends and family one of which was a johnson's babysit including shampoo and baby oil many of these baby toiletries were then arranged nicely in the storage compartments of our new baby changing table that we kept in the dining room we were adjusting to our new family

dynamics where one night i was awoken by my wife who had heard some strange noises coming from downstairs like most husbands would do i told her not to worry it was just the dogs and they would settle back down soon ignoring whatever was happening as i wanted to go back to some much needed sleep classic several hours later my wife woke me again and she had heard some more commotion downstairs i couldn't ignore it this time and had to go down as i opened the door to the kitchen slash dining room i was met with utter carnage the dogs had managed to bite through the bottle of johnson's baby oil and drink the entire bottle oh my god as you can imagine a full bottle of oil will play havoc on even the most irregular of digestive systems. Oh, my word. And the dogs had emptied their well-lubricated bowels all over the kitchen. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. The wretched smell was so revolting, I really can't compare it to anything I'd ever had them as fortunate as this. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. A lubed-up dog shit, basically.

We're back to the worst smells we've ever smelled again remember that yeah yeah that was good that did i tell you about the onion in a cupboard no when my mate was at uni someone had cut an onion in half and put it in a tupperware box and put it in the cupboard not the fridge and left it there for six months oh my god we opened it until this day oh my god the worst smell anyway do you know when i went to uni rob yeah so like this is the first day i went to uni yeah my dad took me to the supermarket and he was like i'll do a supermarket shop with you before i go yeah classic great parenting 101 can't wait to do it myself oh well actually i won't because i'll be a mess but anyway just crying in the aisles buying potatoes

i think i was the first one into my kind of flat thing. Yeah. So I just put everything in my room. And then I just didn't really think about the stuff. And then about three weeks in, I was like, what's that smell? And there was just like bags of rotting vegetables under my bed. I just can't believe it's the only time I've seen juice coming off a potato

I thought potatoes would just go dry but it was so mouldy or something, it was exuding a liquid of some sort. Exude. Don't they? Sometimes you can see the little roots coming out of them when they've been left in the cupboard. Yeah.

That happened to my mate at uni. I went round to his and he went, do you want a pizza? I went, all right. And then he went to his cupboard. Yeah. I was like, what are you doing? He went, I'm getting the pizza out. I went, a cupboard pizza?

And he got it out. It was covered in mould. He went, oh, it's gone mouldy. It must be off. Well, yeah, it's in a cupboard, mate. It needs to be in the fridge. And he went, oh, I didn't know. I used to work with him at fucking Safeways in the chiller section.

That might be a good one. Any kid drop-off stories or your first week without your parents? First week without your parents and parents dropping off their teenagers at uni stories please because it's something it's coming around fast josh we need to get prepped for this and there'll be people doing it you know or have just done it so that's a big day in it one of my most vivid memories is the end of freshers week run out of condoms did you too bloody right mate yeah fresh Yeah, Freshers' Week. At the end of Freshers' Week. It was fucking incredible, Rob, Freshers' Week.

I just went out on the lash every night. And I didn't used to get hangovers in those days. That's because you was pissed again the next day. It was just like, I can't believe this is happening. I checked my bank account and I'd spent 400 quid in a week. I couldn't believe it had happened. I just couldn't understand what had happened. It's only a quid a beer as well.

I know, but because it was Freshers' Week, I'd go to like the introductory things. They go, you've got to buy all these books. I was like, alright, I bought a book. So you're just buying all these books I never read, obviously. Yes. Going out every night, all this food rotting under my bed. Loved it.

I went in the glory years when it was like anyone could go and it was cheap. That was the thing also, yeah. Because it was like, why not? The fees were well cheap. You got a loan that covered all your accommodation and fees and just could pay off whenever. And it was good for me because i got out of my little bubble of southeast london

and sort of could see the slightly wider one i mean i was only in canterbury i didn't go far but and the thing about you rob is your personality shows that you got out of that southeast london bubble you couldn't put a finger on where i'm from no exactly i'm not a chameleon i just sort of get out of that South East London bubble and just sit in there and never look back. You know, you wouldn't know. I'm like Gary Oldman. You are a citizen of the world.

Yes. I'm a vagabond. I'm a travelling, three-wheeler. That was the thing about it. Like, we sound like old bastards again, but, like, it was cheap. It was just like, why wouldn't I do this? Yeah. Because I didn't have to pay fees.

And that's what you should be like, so young people could explore the world rather than just being forced into doing whatever your dad did. Yeah. You know, that's the big argument, isn't it, at the moment? We're getting all political now. Can I just say one more thing about money at uni? Yeah.

One of my friends, at the end of the first year, she thought that the bank reset your overdraft to zero. At the end of the month? At the end of the year. So she was like, don't worry. It's the end of the year, back to zero. No. Yeah.

Shock, sharp, shock lesson. That's the thing about my kids. I'm just like, you know how they do the thing where you go to the cinema to watch something and then Trolls is on Sky and it's like 15 quid. Yeah. And you can't rent it. You just have to buy it and it's on straight away. I'm just like, yeah, can we have that? I was like, no. They were like, what? I was like, no, it like 15 quid yeah and you can't rent it you just have to buy it and it's on straight away i'm just like yeah can we have that i was like no i'm like what i was like

no it's 15 quid wait they were like what you got 15 quid they're like no we'll wait then no like you've got 15 quid yeah i know but i don't know what you're doing but then i feel like i'm just doing it to be like mean yeah just go like well when i was growing up i couldn't just have that straight away so you're not yeah it's weird isn't it because you're like i could afford to buy you that soft toy what am i proving yeah exactly what point am i proving it but i always do it with the little things then i'll go like yeah i'll be in starbucks and i go can we have a frappuccino and i'll do like 12 quid not even think about it and i could have had that film yeah and they just don't even drink it well i kind of say to myself my children don't understand

money yet so it doesn't really matter yes i know you mean she's not gonna go but wait a minute you spent 20 quid on me when i was a five-year-old yeah it's just a bloody oh god anyway back to oily dog poo as you may be aware oil is not the easiest substance to clean, especially mixed with dog shit. Oh, my God. And worse still, for some reason, I will never understand, the dog still found the baby oil that had been excreted from their body irresistible and were busy lapping it up again ready for round two. Oh, my God.

Fucking hell. Fucking hell. This is horrible. So as he's on, he's cleaning it. They're eating it. Oh, fuck that. There were several more days of recycled shitty baby or having to be cleaned up quickly before the dogs were able to devour it.

This never ends. Jesus Christ. Thankfully, because it was safe for the use on babies, the dogs were absolutely fine, but it did take a while for the smell to disappear. However, it'll always be burnt into my memory. Now, we weren't put off by the experience, and as well as our two Bichons, we now have two sons aged five and seven.

But I must add, we have never actually used baby oil on either of our children. I'm not sure the purpose of it on a newborn. So as a warning to anyone buying presents for their new parents, please, please, please don't buy baby oil for anyone with dogs. Thanks, Steve the Wirral. Jesus. Bloody Nora. The things that, Steve. The Wirral. Jesus. Bloody Nora. The things that guy's seen.

Things that guy's seen. Bichons as well. They're airy dogs, so it's all over there. You're going to have to barf the dog. Yeah. They're furry little bastards. I imagine that scooting around the floor covered in oil. Oh, God, God, God, God, God.

Labradors are greedy dogs. I've seen Labradors eat their own shit, and I sort of think, if a dog's a man's best friend, we're in trouble. He's just over there knocking back his own shit. Here he comes, my best mate. By the way, I was thinking then when I was talking about uni, I was like, I've got no idea what I've said before. If you hear a story that you've already heard before send it in and we can at least have a

list of our double story amnesty and we won't do it for a third time okay yeah so if we repeat a story we won't make a big thing of it but just send them in we'll read out what i've repeated and we'll promise never to do them again and then if we go halfway through i've said this before we can quickly look at the document and go, yes, we have, and move on. Yeah. Because we don't want to lose you guys

from repeating stories. So help us help you. Yeah, exactly. And if we've told stories twice but they've been different, that's because we remember them differently, not because we're liars.

Or we've worked out a better end to the same story, so we've just changed it a bit. Yeah, it's all bollocks, really. I haven't even got kids. That's why I don't say their names there's just me and lu pretending i occasionally just hug a kid in the street and then put a little emoji over their head and go oh great day out um yeah what's your stage fright one is it some tips for you hello rob and josh i've just listened to

episode 35 with josh speaking about his wee stage fright i don't know if this is a scottish reader or lovely lovely i i honestly thought i love the lack of energy into the delivery of it as well it was so just like we're all there yeah honestly thought i was weird but i've always suffered from stage fright when going for a wee in a public toilet you're not alone shy joshua i've always had to take a friend in the toilet with me to stand with the hand dryer on so i'm able to go for a wee oh god this is from a woman katie sugarman and so she gets it in the cubicle i don't get it in the cubicle oh so in a cubicle in a public toilet you're in a cubicle you're immediately yeah fine sat down stood up stood up stood up what about number, in a public toilet, you're in a cubicle, you're weeing immediately. Yeah, fine. Sat down, stood up? Stood up.

Stood up. What about number two in a public? Yeah, I can do that. I'm getting pickier as I get older on toilets. Are you? Yeah, I mean, if I need to go, I need to go, Rob. I'd rather get it done in a bad toilet than not get it done and have it hanging over me. Hanging in you.

Yeah, hanging in me. Hanging out of you. Would you rather save it for a life of luxury? No, no, no, no. If he's got to go, he's got to go. Yeah. So, yeah. But it's the urinals you struggle with.

Yeah. Which I think is fair, isn't it? It's weird just to... Yeah, it is weird. ...strip next to a bloke with your knob out pissing. Oh, I sent you that picture, Rob. Of what? Two toilets next to each other.

Oh, yeah, that's weird, isn't it? That must... Why have they done that? Two normal toilets next to each other. Anyway, I have always had to, isn't it? Why have they done that? Two normal toilets next to each other. Anyway, I have always had to take a friend to the toilet with me to put on the hand dryer. Also, if I don't have anyone to do the hand dryer, I have to put my fingers in my ears and close my eyes to be able to wee.

Oh, in the cubicle. Although probably not recommended for men using a urinal. That is correct. I would suggest to Katie Sugarman to play some sound on your phone. Have you ever been in a toilet where, in a cubicle, when it's taken a bit longer and it's one of the ones where the light comes on through movement? Yeah, I've tried material on this, Rob.

And you ever poo in the dark? Yeah, I've tried material on it and it sent the room cold. Yeah, it's weird what they laugh at, isn't it? And do you know what? I'm about to start stand-up again in January. I saw it in my notes the other day and I thought, I'm going to have another go at that. And then when you said it then, I thought,

he's going to send the room cold again. He's going to send the room cold again. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. You have to wave your arm about. Yeah, you have to wave your arm about. I always take it as a criticism. Like, I just think they need to set it longer.

Also, I feel like, should I be putting more into my poos? Yeah, people are moving around. Are they pooing like they're jumping up for a header? Have you ever been on one of those ones where it's outside the thing? So it's not even within the cubicle, the fucking sensor. And you have to sort of like throw a toilet roll over the top, a bit like a football fan. Like a football fan.

Yeah. Anyway, yes, I hate those. And I think they should be banned. Okay, fair fan. Yeah. Anyway, yes, I hate those, and I think they should be banned. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, and then, yeah, wipe your ass by a torch generally, don't you, from your phone. I've got another bit of stuff here, Josh. Hi, Rob and Josh.

Rob mentioned in the podcast that he's been trying to get rid of his kids' soft toys, but the kids get upset. We had the same problem. My tip is you can buy empty beanbags, and you can fit loads of teddies in them. It keeps them out of the way, gives a nice extra seat in the bedroom and they still have them oh that's clever that is clever that is clever i like it nicola i just think i'll end up sitting on one of the hard noses of a bear do you know what i mean yeah you've got a positionable head down ass up basically

then teddies do you know what? Might be quite nice, Rob. Just a little bear's nose. What, up your bum? Keep you on your toes. Just tickling your balls. To have a little hard bear's nose up your bum when you sit down. Do you know what? Would it be that bad?

I mean, I don't know if we know each other too well now, Josh, but what's your view on things in your bottom? It's a no-go area. Has it always been a no-go area? It's never really come up, no pun intended. Sure. In the sense of I've never had to turn down the offer. Right, okay.

So nothing's ever been up there or offered to go up there? No. I'd say... It might be your favourite. The women that I tend to get together with are so sexually pedestrian because they've chosen me in the first place. first place. I'm just saying, though, it might be your favourite.

You don't know until you try, do you, Josh? I don't know. What about you, Rob? Not for me. Just not at my age in my diet. There's enough problems going out of it, never mind going in. It's pretty much a one-way street. Did we feel younger even at the start of when we were doing Parenting Hell?

Yes, because our kids were younger. I was in denial. Now I've fully accepted that I'm on the decline and I'm just trying to grind it out. Now, Josh, I've got a parenting fail here. Oh, that's more than I'd seen. Hi, Rob and Josh. We have a little boy called Arthur who's three next month. We're hoping to move house for more space this year.

I went to a fancy show home on a new build estate near us at the weekend. The salespeople let us into the showroom to look around on our own before going back to the sales chat afterwards. Early on, Arthur said he needed a wee. My wife took him to the downstairs toilet and I called over for her to test if it flushed first. However, she hadn't heard me and sat him down he started his wee before she tested the flush which inevitably did nothing the water was off and the plumbing hadn't been connected this was a show home oh no to my horror oh no arthur then

proceeded to do an enormous adult size poo into the unflushable toilet. Oh, my God, no. Oh, my God, no. My wife found this hilarious, but I immediately panicked about how I would explain this enormous poo while attempting to make a serious financial offer. Eventually, I concocted a plan. Well, the value of the house has gone down. Yes. Look, mate, let's call a spade a spade.

It stinks of shit in here. You're going to have to knock 10 grand off. Eventually, I concocted a plan which meant me scooping my child's poo from the show home toilet with my hands, using a dog mess bag into a separate bag for life, which I then smuggled into our car. Oh, my God. I couldn't get it through the sales pattern,

knowing what awaited them after we left. Tom from Eastbourne, keep up the good work oh that is horrible oh my god what a horrible thing to have to do yeah i had a story about someone who'd been on a sitcom or a drama or something and um the toilets are not on the set so they're not connected and on the first day the runner first on TV, done a shit in the toilet. Also as well, a runner is the entry-level job. It's sort of like the first job in telly. You basically do whatever needs doing, coffee runs, telling people, you know.

Having a shit in the toilet. Oh, my God. He or she? Didn't come back for the second day. He didn't come back for the second day. Didn't he? He's done a runner. Do you second day. He didn't come back for the second day. Did he? He's done a runner. Do you know what?

TV's not for me. That's it. Do you know what? It was a good innings. I think I'm going to publishing. Oh, how long ago was this? I got told this about 10 years ago. So it's over 10 years ago.

If you're listening in that shoe, let us know what became of you. Yeah. He's now selling new builds in Eastbourne. Had a terrible day the other day. Brought back memories. We've got driving test fails, Josh, after Scarlet Moffat. Oh, yeah. Hello, you sexy, relatable pair.

I was catching up on the episode with Scarlet Moffat and listening to your driving test stories and thought I'd share a few of my test stories with you. I had seven tests before I passed and in the days when i was learning the examiner asked you to read around a number plate as you walked out the test center to your car just so he could know you could see yeah then after the driving test he asked a few questions from the highway code book yeah after

one of my tests the examiner asked what signs would you expect to see on country lanes? Which I replied, free range eggs for sale. Yeah, it's the classic. It's the absolute classic. Lovely stuff. So he said, no, let's try another one. What should you look out for on country lanes? Pick your own wild strawberries. To which I replied, hedgehogs.

Apparently it was pedestrians as there are no paths. Who knew? That's so vague. I'm not saying hedgehogs is right no when no one's saying that and i'd say if in doubt on your driving tests always look out for pedestrians yeah if in doubt other cars or pedestrians i'd say whenever driving yes i know but obviously if you're trying to pass a test if you don't know what to say just say pedestrians it'll never be hedgehogs yeah i find and i say this as somebody spent a lot of time walking on country lanes i find the fact you have to walk on the right tense you're supposed to walk into the traffic aren't you yeah so that you can see it and jump out i think we might have done this talked about

this before do emailing if we have but i find it too tense out. I think we might've done this, talked about this before. Do email in if we have, but I find it too tense. I'm still too scared. We've got a lovely country pub. There's about a 10 minute walk from ours. Still too scared to walk there on the country lanes. I don't know what I'm going to do. Which is mad considering when you went to university, you became a citizen of the world.

Mate, I took my bins out the other day. Yeah. I thought I was getting jumped i thought there was a gang of people jumping me i'm gonna kidnap me do you know what it was what three deer ran past me i absolutely shit myself i just stood there tense by the bin as they run past a bit like you know in in jurassic park yeah you're not supposed to look at the velociraptors in the eye they're massive they. They're massive, Josh. Yeah, of course they are.

I thought I could beat up a deer. I don't think I can. No, well, not three of them. Not with the big antlers. I think actually it might be easier with the antlers

because you could grab them and just launch them like spinning around. I think they're more pesky without anything to grab onto. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. They're terrifying.

Anyway, this lady that said hedgehogs. She's still failing. Yeah, she's useless. Tina from Essex is all over the place on my driving test doing my three point turn i said whoops i think i hit the curb to which the examiner replied no that was the lamp post she was already on the curb and hadn't noticed one final massive hour happened when i was driving the examiner on the road i'd driven several times i was really pleased that before i overtook all the parked cars i remembered my mirror signal maneuver mantra i made a real show of looking in the mirror before indicating but as i was about to maneuver the examiner slammed on the brakes and asked what i was doing apparently there were temporary traffic

lights and the parked cars were just waiting for the traffic lights to change to green. Oh, my God. I was about to overtake them all. I hadn't noticed the lights. Oh, my God. Another one here. I had to pull over. Is that the same woman? It's the same woman.

And these are on her tests. These aren't even in the lessons. Fucking Nora. I had to pull over and he took the keys and walked back to the test center. I had to pull over and he took the keys. Yeah, I've heard about that. And we had to walk back to the test centre and my driving instructor had to walk back to the car.

He said I was a danger on the road and didn't rebook me for any more lessons. That was a bit of a low point, but I didn't give up. Even on my final test when I passed. I think you should have. Yeah. Even on my final test when I passed, I managed to click one of the side mirrors going through the restriction markers on the road. Fucking

hell. Passed. But you'll be pleased to hear that my driving has improved over the years, except when I'm listening to you guys. I've been known to miss two turn offs on the M25 and ended up on the QE2 bridge and on my way to Kent. Tina in Essex. Fingers

crossed she stays in Essex. My kids are grown up now. Luckily, they survived car journeys. Tina from Essex fingers crossed she stays in Essex my kids are grown up now luckily they survived car journeys Tina from Essex fair play Tina Tina's a name that's sort of

dying out isn't it yeah I like it isn't it I like the name Tina I've got Aunty Tina big up Aunty Tina one of my favourite aunties definitely in the top two

top two well I don't want to upset the other ones well don't say the other one isn't top one and they can all presume they are I'd say top two Arnie's. Hi, Rob and Josh.

This is called Beast of Bodmin stroke tall man syndrome. I've been meaning to message for a while. I'm a mum of one year old girl and your podcast has kept my husband and I going through ups and downs in the first year. Toddly years incoming. A few weeks ago, you were talking about the Beast of Bodmin and whether it exists. The answer is yes. There are big cats in the wild all over the Southwest.

My husband saw a black panther outside a village on Dartmoor a couple of months ago. It's as scary as it sounds. So as a man that shat himself when he saw some deer, how would you react, Rob, if a black panther? I would try and take a photo. If it was daytime, I'd be more confident. Yeah. I always get scared at the nighttime.

Yeah, of course, yeah. You can't see where you're going. And it's so dark in the countryside, isn't it, Josh, I'd be more confident. Yeah. I always get scared at the night time. Yeah, of course, yeah. You can't see where you're going. And it's so dark in the countryside, isn't it, Josh? Yeah, oh, yeah. It's so dark. You can see the stars. You can see the stars. Yeah, I've seen some lovely stars.

So if it was safe, I'd take photos and video evidence because I'm a big believer in the beast of Bodmin. Yeah. However, I would, I think, if I was taking the bins out and I saw a panther, I'd empty, I've got one of them big bins, you know, the big ones, wheelie bins. Yeah. I'd empty it all and get in the bin and hold it shut.

Yes. And then I'd ring Lou and say, drive to the bin, let me know when you're by the bin, and if the panther's gone, I'll get out the bin and get in the car. But I'd hide in the bin until she came. Shall we do a couple more? Funny things your kids brought into school? Yeah, come on.

As a teacher, I once had a little girl fall over, and when she landed, something started to vibrate in her pocket. No. Thinking she'd brought her parents' phone, I asked her to hand it to me. Unbeknownst to me, it wasn't a phone. It was her mum's bullet sex toy. Oh, my God. She placed it onto my open hand and said I didn't know... Open hand? She placed it into my open hand and said I didn't know... Open hand?

She placed it into my open hand and said I didn't know lipsticks could do that. I had to keep a very straced face while disgusted it was in my hand and gave it to my, in brackets, male head teacher to hand back at the end of the day. Needless to say, I've never been so thankful for hand sanitiser. Oh, my God. Absolutely love listening to you on the way to school. And as a teacher can relate to so many stories, thanks for bringing all the joy.

Thanks, Chelsea. We had this before about cock ring, didn't we? It's got to go into a jiffy envelope. Yeah. With Mr. or Mrs. Mrs. Pervert. Mr. Sex Man. And then you just hand it back and say,

oh, your daughter brought this into school today. I wouldn't open it in the playground. Yeah, I think so. But I don't think I could be that professional. No. I think I'd say something. Well, I think I'd just wink. Oh, I think so. But I don't think I could be that professional. No. I think I'd say something. Well, I think I'd just wink. Oh, I think that's creepy.

Yeah, that is creepy. That's worse, actually. I'd turn it on in the bag and give it to her. Oh, I bet you would. Hi, Rob and Josh. A classic boomer story. My mum still likes to hold over my dad's head. Dates back to 1990.

When I was about two and my mum had just started working from home as a caterer one day my mum had a big john to cater for so my dad kindly offered to get me out the house by driving me down to the coast of the day in his old classic car fortunately about an hour from home his classic car broke down on the side of the road and as this was before mobile phones my dad had no choice other than try and fix car himself. For the next hour or so my dad who was not a mechanic tried to repair the car whilst I apparently slept in the car passenger seat. During this time a family friend who sees my dad broken down on the side of the road pulls over kindly offers to take me home to my mum and to call a breakdown service to come and

fix the car. For some unknown reason, my dad turns the family friend down as he was convinced it wouldn't take much longer for him to fix the car. A few more hours pass by. It's starting to get dark when a couple of old ladies pull over and ask my dad if there's anything they can do to help. Probably much to their surprise,

my dad says, yes, actually, would you mind taking my two-year-old home to his mother? No. Hands me over to two complete strangers. Get out. Meanwhile,

at home, my mum's finished the cake with the day and gone round to my neighbour's for a bottle or two of wine, when two old ladies show up holding two-year-old me. Max, we've just given an address. Fortunately, whilst my mum was getting married, our neighbour notices out the window two old ladies standing outside of my parents' house holding a baby,

probably looking rather worried that there was nobody in. All's well that ends well, and to this day, my dad says this proves he's a good judge of character. Meanwhile... Lovely defence, batted off for a four there. Boom. Yeah. Meanwhile, I often wonder what my life would have been like

had I been brought up by these two kind old ladies. Thanks, Charlie. Incredible. That is mental. It's dangerous for mobile's phones, though, isn't it? Which is even worse in a way. Yeah, so difficult life. How would I have to get the A to Z out to work out where they lived? Imagine how old

that classic car was. It was 1990. It was already classic. Cheeky small business show. Are we doing small business? I've just gone into it there. Let's give them a little cheeky small bizzo. Yeah. Pump up the jam for some businesses.

For your Australian listeners down under. Here we go. I run a small business from our home and farm in Dowarin, rural Western Australia, creating custom engraved wooden height rulers, designed as an alternative to measuring your kids on a doorframe, etc. Good idea. Our rulers mean that you can capture all the kids' heights markers,

create a beautiful family heirloom, something that can be passed down the generations. Check out our business and general family shit show on Instagram at MeasureMyTribe. Lovely. Originally from northeast of England, I love listening to your podcast each week. The Aussie band just isn't the same as high-quality British comedy. at Measure My Tribe. Lovely. Originally from northeast of England, I love listening to your podcast each week.

The Aussie banter just isn't the same as high quality British comedy. Couldn't agree more. Thanks for the laughs and keeping that homesickness at bay. I love the Aussie banter.

It's 40 degrees here with Christmas decorations going up. Feels all wrong. Still after 15 years. All the best, legends, Lou.

We could do a tour in Australia, Josh. We could. Oh my God, sorry. Are you going australia when you do your next tour they always talk about it and it's never happened yet that's a big gap wasn't it was you stretching yeah i was stretching all right here we go hi rob and josh my name is lisa a long-time listener who would love a small business shout-out, please. I'm a self-employed professional kitchen,

cabinet and furniture painter based in Somerset. I cover this county as well as Bristol and Devon. My business, A Twist of Somerset, has been running since 2016 and offers a bespoke

painting service. So if you're looking for an affordable, personalised and sustainable way to give a tired kitchen or piece of furniture a new and beautiful look, I'm your girl. For more information or to view my portfolio,

visit my website, www.twistofsummerset.co.uk, or you can find me on social media, at Twist of Summerset. Twist of Summerset. Love it. Good luck. Oh, lovely. Lovely bit of painting. Good photos as well. Lovely. Twist of Summerset, Josh Somerset. Love it. Good luck. Oh, lovely. Lovely bit of painting.

Good photos as well. Lovely. Twist of Somerset, Josh. Lovely stuff. Love it. Right, I'll see you next time, Joshua. On Friday. Friday.

See you then. Big day. Big day. Huge. I'm Scott Bennett. And I'm Gemma Bennett. And together we are Brew With The Bennets. Yeah.

Say it together. Brew with the Bennetts. Every Sunday, a bit of chat. A bit of humour. Humour. Together. Tea. Tea.

Cuppa. Coffee. Brew and chat. Yes, it's good. Join us there. I've just noticed you always go, before you say something. Just listen, do it again again no wonder I have

anxiety dreams oh my god hello my name's Joe Wilkinson and I do a podcast with David Earle it's called Chatterpix Chatterpix is a

podcast magazine and chat show isn't it yeah we're on three times a week we have loads of guests

special guests surprise guests can I read some of the highlights yeah interviewing a red arrow pilot visiting a haunted

house chatting with Ricky Gervais Harry, James Acaster and Catherine Ryan amongst others. Backstage at the Blur concert at Wembley. And I met my hero Angie Roachwood and I cried. So that's Chattavix. C-H-A-T-A-B-I-X. Chattavix.