Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP42: Rob's manic week (Part 1)

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with let's see can you say frog beckett can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Weddicombe? Josh Weddicombe.

Good girl. That was nice and effective, wasn't it? Efficient. Efficient, done, solid, dependable. This is Lucy. She's 33 months old. Became big sister to Rose three weeks ago. Good name.

Congratulations. We live in... Do you want to have a guess? Do you want to hear the voice again, Rob? Do you care? I think that was Lou coming. Lou, are you coming in? Lou's on my own.

Sick kids. I'll expand later. They live in Hemel Hempstead. Sorry about your backdrop. You've got a Christmas tree and a book about proboscis monkeys. Is that what they're called? I just called them knob-nosed monkeys.

Well, I'm sat in this call. I'm at home i'm a home strangest bookshelf i've ever seen just two books and one of them is about a rare type of monkey i'm using all the other books to prop up my laptop oh okay so i've gone like that off the oh i see oh yeah so all I've got, so I thought, you know, it's a comedy podcast, Josh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want a book about jewellery and hip-hop or the Rocky Balboa series of films, or do you want Knob-Nosed Monkey? Exactly. Wildlife Photocop Photographer of the Year.

Love it. They're from Hamilton. They're from Lisbon, Northern Ireland, Lisbon, not Portugal. Lisbon in Northern Ireland? Yeah. It's spelled L-I-S-B-u-r-n in Northern Ireland it's Lisburn it's a few miles from Belfast according to the email I didn't know that your podcast kept me sane uh on many laps of our local park when Lucy was little and I imagine there will remain

a lifeline in these tough newborn days you're a constant reassurance that we're all winging it and trying to keep little people alive. Oh, that's nice. Stay sexy and relatable. Leanne, Chris, Lucy and Rose. There we go. Little people alive. Does that include you, Josh? Yes, I suppose it does. We're all trying to keep me alive in a way, aren't we? Also, I love

that I give you like short better. I'm like an inch taller than you. I know, but I look smaller than I am. He's not actually that small height wise he's not much smaller than me height wise so there's something about some people look tiny do you know yeah he's just got that but you you you actually you're quite wiry and if you sort of worked out you'd look like a sort of scrappy ufc guy where rishi sunak literally has no meat on his body at all. What do you mean if I worked out, Rob? I'm fucking hench.

No, but if you actually sort of did some actual exercise rather than peloton and sort of stretching. Do you know what I mean? No, and that's not a dig. I mean, no. I know. You keep fit, but you're not pumping iron, are you? I am pumping iron, Rob.

Okay. Are you? When? Do you pump iron as well? I do pump iron occasionally yeah okay can you can you hear lou shouting in the background by the way i wouldn't have been able to tell it was lou well basically yeah so that's lou she's she's just settling my daughter down um and then she's going to take the dogs for a walk so i should be quiet does she need me to come over and do some heavy lifting with my muscles yeah absolutely absolutely have to. It's so British, Josh.

Yeah. No, but I think, but what I'm saying is you've got a bit more of a wiry, sort of muscly frame than Rishi, who is literally nothing of him. No, and he wears tiny suits. Yeah, and his suits are too fitted, like his Conor McGregor, but he's got the muscles in them. You can't have them that fitted without a little bit of a tonka tonk. Do you know what I mean?

I know. What is this podcast? What is it? Well, let's talk about kids. Right. You're a bit tired. Tell me about why you're a bit tired because you've had two last legs this weekend. And you got in at what? 1.8, 1.2 a.m.?

1 a.m. 1 a.m. from last leg and then up. Roses away. Right. Okay. Roses away. Are you sure you're together still? Not totally sure.

Not totally sure. Bander aside, every single time we've recorded, you short not totally short yeah bender aside every single time we've recorded you've gone well obviously Rose is away like how long

does she have to be away for until she's left she's gone she's just gone to see the builders but they've gone to Paris together I don't know why that is

well I think there's actually I need to check out French architecture or something I can't quite work it out. Sure, absolutely, yeah. A bit of French kissing, more like.

Yeah. I was a bit more straight on the nose than an innuendo, wasn't it? More like actual sex. And I'm the one that's tired. Are we sure about that? I'm really tired. Also, the sun is right in my eye. It really is.

I'm sat in the worst possible position. You look like you're under interrogation. It's fucking December, mate. Where are you? The sun's just broke. The other day, I've been ill, right? I'll give you an update of what's going on. Our house has been an absolute fucking disaster.

Update me on you because I've heard your life has been stressful. I'm going to sit back and chill out. We're all ill, basically. Okay, yeah. My youngest daughter was ill a few weeks ago, and then she's rallied, and now she's giving it to me and Lou and my other daughters who just come in. But the problem is,

the one that gets ill first has loads of energy when everyone else is ill. They give it to the parents, and then you've got to chase around this nutter. Everyone else is ill. What I'll do is, maybe I'll talk you through my day off. I had a day off last Friday.

What kind of illness are we talking about here, Rob? There's a viral respiratory thing going around that's sort of like antibiotics won't treat but i've been on antibiotics for a sinus infection as well which is my voice is a bit nosy and there's this viral thing so it's coughing massive fever temperature and exhaustion anyway so let me talk to you about my last week josh last friday was my day off. Okay. I've been very busy. I've been very busy. So I've got a lovely little day off. Right.

So what I was planning to do was my mate took a day off work. My mate Jack, he's got young kids. So I was going to meet him in town in London to have some lunch, have a couple of beers, do a bit of shopping. Then we're going to meet all our friends at work in London as they finish work. So one was knocking off at three, one was finished at five, and then have a night out in London for Christmas, that little lad's night out.

Oh, wow. Anyway. That is something I would never do because I'd like the idea of. Well, I didn't, Josh. Spoiler alert, that didn't happen. Okay. So we get up, we drop the kids off at school, and then we've got to stay for a performance,

a little Christmas performance of my daughter's, which is lovely. Now, don't get me wrong. I love seeing my daughter perform. She's six or five at the time. She's six now. The words got to stay were quite heavy. Yes, because if you don't see your children do that, basically what you're doing at this stage is you're putting money in the bank

that you don't have to spend on therapy when they're 18. So every event you turn up at, there's one less therapy session. Yeah. Although the annoying thing for me and you, Rob, is we're paying for our own therapy. It's not like our parents are paying. Yes, but that horse has bolted, Josh. That's gone.

That's something we just have to take in. We can't affect any of that now, but what we can affect is the future. Okay? Yeah. And I don't know if you've been to these performances where it's a Christmas story and they give them all like a line each. So there's like 30 kids or whatever, or if it's two years, sometimes 60 kids in there, and they'll get a line each.

So is this the main school performance of the year it's a school performance right so we i've dropped this is my day off i've dropped him off at school i'm hung around with lou to watch the christmas performance right and you in reception they do a nativity and then they do like a year one and year two so my daughter's in year one year one and year two performance where it's like not the nativity but the story about christmas okay yeah father christmas and g whatever right? Anyway, but the problem is they're all given a line, don't they, where it's like, it was Bethlehem. And then someone else goes, you know, Mary and Joseph had a donkey.

Next line. And it's all broken up. But the problem is all the kids deliver it in a completely different way. So it's like, why is the boot open on my car? I'm going to a loser out there, thank God. That's not a line from the performance.

Oh, this happened the other day, right? Do you know what? People wonder why we don't get the same amount as Alistair Campbell and Rory Stewart when we're so professional. So I woke up the other day, I went to get in the car it was an awful storm at the weekend just gone, the weekend just gone, awful storm

it rained in it for like 12 hours non-stop overnight through the morning, anyway I'm trying to get my kids to my daughter's birthday party, I go to get in the car my lovely little Honda, the kids have left the door wide open the car looks like it's been pulled out of a lake

after they filmed a special of EastEnders. You know when a car always goes in the lake in EastEnders, right? It is soaking wet. How do you dry out a car? Well, you can't really. The floor mats are still wet on one side of the little Honda. It was awful. But I put all the heating on full to try and dry it out.

And then I had to get them there, but all the car seats were actually soaking wet. So I had to take all the covers off. They sat on like this hard plastic. And then I had to get them there, but all the car seats were actually soaking wet. So I had to take all the covers off. They sat on like this hard plastic. And then I had to put towels and yoga mats I found in the garage on to stop it soaking through. Oh my word. That was something else.

Anyway, so I'm at the performance and they've all got a line each. I've got to ask. Yeah, go on. How long since the yoga mats in the garage were used? I genuinely, one of them was the first. I took cellophane off one. used i genuinely one of them was the first i took cellophane off one should have left it on keep it drier even drier

um yeah so you had the performance and i don't know if you've had to sit through these before and they're lovely because you see your own kid doing what they do tomorrow but it's impossible to follow the story because they're all doing their lines perfectly, but they're all different children. They've all got different volumes, all got different delivery, all different intonation. So it's like, it was Bethlehem. And we went to the Christmas for half a Christmas and it came down.

And it's like, this is mental. So you're just there nodding. So they just all stood in a row? What's the score? There's no acting out? No, so some of it is, but a lot of it is narration, but they've all been given a line each to learn. So it goes, boom.

It's almost like dominoes. And is this the one your daughter was learning the pig sound for? The goat noise she does. Yeah, that one. But she didn't do it in the performance, to be fair. So, yeah, so we did that. And then I was supposed to be picking my mate Jack up, and I was going to go and get Jack and drive him back to my house.

We was going to go for a lovely dog walk, grab a coffee, and then jump on the train from mine, go up to town. Anyway, so I can't do that straight away because I've got a doctor's appointment. The only appointment I can get is straight after the performance. So I ring my mate and go, I've got a doctor's, I've got to go there. straight after the performance so i remember my mate go i've got a doctor's got to go there got a lump on my leg don't worry it's going down but it was panic stations for a bit but it's slowly going he reckons it was some mental nap bite mosquito bite in florida anyway i've seen him i feel a bit embarrassed because the lump has tight well he didn't even

ask if you'd been to florida did he look to you and he went it's from florida look at him absolute little oik that's from Florida. Look at him. Absolute little oik that's done all right for himself. He'll be in Florida. A drop of a hat. So I've got in there. And also, I don't know about you, but when you book a doctor's appointment, sometimes I'm like, I get a bit stressed when what is,

I want what I've got to go, but I'd quite like it to hang around for a little bit. So it doesn't look like I've booked an appointment because I'm needy so i was a bit like it's a bit annoying actually this lump's going down because i want him to think that i'm not insane yeah of course yeah um so he goes in there and there's just enough of a lump to make me not look insane um and i go right and then all of a sudden i get this weird phone call from the bank and text messages nothing's being paid that basically money's not got into the joint account to pay all our bills right and because we've done a house move and stuff like that we sort of like oh no so no money so none of my bills being paid including

my mortgage and i need to transfer money from my account into the joint account i go on my app to do it i've changed phones oh no can't log in this feels like boris at the covid inquiry right so i can't log in right cannot log in actually my week i started sympathizing him with the whatsapp messages because when i updated my phone if you do iCloud backup on your phone it backs everything up but you need to do iCloud you need to do a whatsapp separate backup here we go yeah i didn't know about this i'm not i'm not a a Boris defender, but if you are changing phones, make sure you back up your WhatsApp separately. It won't do it on your iCloud.

Anyway. So I'm logged out of my bank. I try and go on my desktop to log back in. Basically, with HSBC, you have to have this little security card, like the little plastic thing, right? But once you're logged into your app, you never need that again because you can create one on your app. Yeah. Can't get in my app.

Oh, no. So I try and go online, can't do anything. I've got to go to the bank. Ring my mate, Jack. So I say to him, what I'll do is I'll pick you up. We'll go to Bromley. You can have a look around the shops, get a coffee. I'll quickly nip into the bank.

And then he's like, actually, that's fine because I need to get a bit of shopping for Christmas. Let's do that. We get to Bromley. I go in the bank. Obviously obviously it's a massive weight isn't it of course the business but because it's part of my business bank for my business did you have to go to the special desk special desk set the special fucking hell the special desk takes so long because everyone's doing something that takes about half an hour because it's business the guy goes i can't help you with this he went i've given you a little the little plastic thing you wouldn't ring up telephone banking i can't get on telephone banking every time i ring telephone banking they go what's your special password i don't know it

and they hang up on me oh god so i'm out i'm out of telephone banking so i'm in there queuing for ages the guy that needs to help me can't help me but the normal like personal banking person goes i'll help you so he helps me what he has to do is just ring internet banking so now i'm just sat at a desk ringing internet banking my mate jack's outside he goes you want a coffee i go yeah right and then it takes so long he has to bring me a coffee looks like i'm some sort of i've got some sort of like pa so he brings me a coffee i'm sat there we're ringing the internet bank in a bank because he can't help. Anyway, we go for it.

It takes an hour, right? It takes an hour. It's ridiculous. Anyway, as I'm doing it, I feel water on my head. There is a leak in the bank that lands directly on my head in the chair I'm on. I'm sat there fucking piss soaked right and I'm all confused

and I didn't know it was so shocking because it was indoors it took me a while to cotton anyway so I jump up get out the way of it I've got a video of it

I can send you let me find the bank there is a bank I'll send you the bank link oh my god it's properly coming down I know I was sat under that

trying to log on it's not that's not just a normal drip I know Jesus what it's raining in the bank log on. That's not just a normal drip. I know. Jesus, what? It's raining in the bank. Sorry, that sounds like you've got loads of money.

It's raining. Rob Beckett's here and it's raining in the bank, guys. Absolutely. Pissing in the bank. Anyway, so I'm in the bank, but it's gone on so long now, I can't walk the dogs. So Lou's had to walk the dogs and now lovely walk in the countryside with Jack's not happening. Anyway, we get back.

I get home. Lou's freaking out, okay, because essentially she's got loads of stuff to do, and because we've got the next day, it's my daughter's birthday party, which is a trip up to London. I feel for Jack. I just feel for Jack.

Right. This is, it gets worse for Jack. He's taken a day off, a holiday day. Lou's, it's my day off as well. I know. But you don't have to take a day off, a holiday day. It's my day off as well. I know. But you don't have to take a day off. You don't get 28 days a year or whatever it is. I know.

That shows how long since I worked in an office. Yeah, so whatever. I think it's 20. When I worked, I only got 15 or 20, but it goes up for service. Anyway, so we get home, and they get home now about half 12, 1. Lou's absolutely freaking out because the next day we've got a trip to london to go and see a show and then a sleepover and lou's trying to set up beds for the kids for their birthday but lou's trying to build

like these she bought these little you know you see on instagram like little tents and a black bed and all that and you can hire it in but it costs a load so lou went i could just sort of buy that for the same amount it costs to hire it in and then we can use it forever anyway she bought these little tp things that you have to build like eight of them you have to like screw in so lou's freaking out so i go we've got to get the kids from scott i'll go right jack we can't really make it up to london just yet so in the end where's jack at this point just sat in your living room yeah it's i've done him a bacon and cheese turnover, though. Don't worry, a frozen one.

Put that in the oven. So he's eating that. So he's just sort of sat in the chair while me and Lou freak out. And then I go, okay, well, Lou, why don't me and Jack quickly do the school run and then you can crack on. What? Is it 3 p.m. already? Yeah, by the time we get back, sort stuff out and do that.

Why doesn't Jack just go without you? Well, the other lads are slowly dropping like flies oh i can't make three now it's five it's six it's an absolute four 40 year old man to organize a drink it's actually fucking wasted time anyway now he ends up on the school run with me oh jack and then lou was like you gotta go now you gotta go now but lose a massive stress and we get there me and jack are there 30 minutes early because it was like, you've got to go now, you've got to go now. But Lou's a massive stressor. We get there. Me and Jack are there 30 minutes early because it was like, on this day, it gets so busy, you've got to go early. And then I'm like, I'm sorry, Jack.

So we just sat there like 30 minutes early. Oh, actually, no, me and Jack did do the dog walk. We did do the dog walk, but we couldn't stop for a coffee because it was up against it. That's why it got to 3 o'clock. Oh, yeah. That was a school run. Come back.

Then we got half an hour. Lou's freaking out completely. So Lou's going to me, I can't find the motorized electric inflator for all the beds. I found a hand pump. I'm doing it by hand. And I went, it's in the garage in the garden toy boxes, right? Lou's like, no, it's not, flipping her head.

I come home. I said to her, do not use the manual pump. It's in there. I come home. I immediately find the electric pump. Okay. She then has a go at me for not explaining where it was properly. I was fucking driving on the school run on my day off with my mate

who's just staring at me going, what is going on? Anyway, then we get home. Me and Jack have got half an hour till the cab arrives to take us up to the train station. We get up there and then Lou's freaking out. So all of a sudden, look, Jack's now on his hand and knees, inflating beds while Lou does the kids' dinner and I get changed because I'm still dressed for a dog walk.

Cab arrives. I find a protein bar and a can of Coke for me and Jack. We have that in the car. We get on a train from Wilmington, normally 15 minutes fast. It takes an hour. It's been delayed. I mean, I was sat on a train for an hour. We're starving, hungry, miserable. Poor old Jack. jack anyway we end up meeting our mates at six o'clock and having a burger and a

beer and now the fun could start we think we'll go for a little walk through london through borough market because it's nice and christmasy get it it's completely shut borough it's not open in the evening completely shut we get a mulled wine the mulled wine is cold instantly. It's, you know, that weekend, last weekend, not the one just gone, the one before, it was like frozen, wasn't it? It was like zero degrees. Yeah. We are freezing.

Anyway, we find a pub. We have two pints. We're all tired. We're all stressed. Then we get the eight o'clock tray, no. Oh, no. It was an absolute disaster. Poor old Jack.

Poor old Jack. Also, I really hope that my mate Jack did take a day off work and didn't phone in sick, or otherwise he's in a lot of trouble for a terrible day off. What's Jack do for a living? Jack's a project manager. Don't know what that means. Never asked him.

No, no, no, fine. So that's the Friday, right? So then the Saturday is, that's my day off right this is i've got a lot you're not going to talk for this episode right jack jack comes around saturday morning he's taking me uh you want my wife in her ass yeah jack will i make a couple of sandwiches they're off today has jack got a family jack's got a family yes he's got a wife and two children so in a way he said he found it quite fun because he was like hanging out and we were just at two feet it was quite fun doing the little like driving around and walking like yeah yeah doing odd jobs because it felt like

it felt a bit like when we were at uni you know you're at uni and you hang out together but you're so bored and you've got so much time it's like do stuff you just walk to the bank with your mate and wait for him for a bit i remember remember my mate. This is sad, Rob. Go on. Year one, obviously. I say obviously. Obviously, I didn't have a girlfriend. No, no.

And take that as read. Year two, did you? Yeah, just a bit, yeah. Yeah. All right, sorry, mate. Yeah. What's her name? Have we spoke about her before?

I think we have, haven't we? I'm sure we have, yeah. Are you friends on Instagram? What's her name? I'll have a look. She's got a generic name, so you won't be able to find her. Oh, okay. That's lucky for you, isn't it?

Yeah. Also, I think that would be bad form to give out your ex-girlfriend's Instagram handle and everyone's have a snoop. Yeah, I think so. She'll all of a sudden have like 3,000 friend requests. Yeah. At Dua Lipa anyway, if you want to have a look. Anyway.

It's quite a generic name. That is good stuff. There might be more than one. I know you're sorry, but that is good stuff. Oh, dear. Sorry, when you had a girlfriend. Sorry, let's talk about year one. No, no, I did have a girlfriend year one.

And my mate, he needed to book a Valentine's Day, but it was like February the 13th. I hadn't got him here. And I just went with him and we toured around the restaurants of South Manchester with him for the whole day, just trying to book a Valentine's Day. Lovely. And that's just what you do, isn't it?

That's what you do. So we actually, because I was saying, me and my mates were saying, like, you don't drink now at all. I like a drink now and again, right, more often than not at home. But I want to see my mates and hang out. But, like, my default, right, if I'm hanging out with mates from school or old jobs or just whatever, my default is to go to a pub, have 10 pints of lager and eat a kebab and come home and feel horrific.

And that is sort of fun, but it's fun up to a point, but then you're so drunk that it's not fun anymore. But I'm trying to – if anyone out there is like late 30s, early 40s, and they hang out with their mates and, you know, not that like they're all sober, but what activities do you do that don't involve getting absolutely shit-faced? Because we are struggling. Well, you had your golf face, didn't you? Yeah, but they all love getting on it as well.

Sometimes they get pissed on the course. Yeah. I don't know, what, it's cinema? It feels like you're like a teenager. You can't go to cinema with a friend. Four 40-year-olds going to cinema. That's weird. Also, you don't talk to each other.

I always think the cinema, such a weird social. It's quite helpful for certain mates, isn't it? Yeah. So tell me about Saturday. So what we're doing Saturday is we've got we're going to Pizza Express at Victoria

then we go and see Wicked and then we've got Sleepover at ours the kids yeah you and the kids not the staff

so my daughter's invited four friends from school with our two we're taking six kids up so we meet at the train station we meet them all at the train station

then we take them up on the train take them for some food to the theatre train straight back. And it's really easy, actually, because it's Bromley, where we're near. It's 15 minutes to Victoria. And then from Victoria, Pizza Express is a five-minute walk.

Wicked's like a one-minute walk. So it's actually quite easy-peasy. I know the exact Pizza Express. Yeah, it's a great Pizza Express, absolutely. They're all great. It's their best pizza, best pizza I've ever had, to be fair, I reckon. Apart from, in Italy, I think there's plenty in Italy, but you never know if it's just the ambiance. But in the UK, I don't think you It's the best pizza I've ever had, to be fair, I reckon. Apart from, in Italy, I think there's Bagnini, but you never know if it's just the ambiance.

But in the UK, I don't think you can get a better pizza. Anyway, death to stop licking their bum. Now, we walked to Pizza Express. I would recommend pre-ordering. So what we did was pre-ordered. We're not pre-ordered, but we got the Pizza Express order from the parents. Oh, nice. So when we got there, when they take our order,

we just read out from the list, this is what we're having. If the kids kick off, we got there when they take our order we just read out from the list this is what we're having if the kids kick off we go that's what your mum wanted that is true that is clever did they kick off no not really but someone like oh this oh you know no no that's what we're having kind of thing so they didn't kick off but if they do and also as well i think i get a little i think i get a little bit of respect from the kids on days out because i'm the comedian. And now they're getting to an age at school where they know that I do a podcast and I'm on the telly and I do comedy and stuff that they think I'm going to be super fun all the time. So that when I lay down the law, it's a jump. Yeah.

Right. It's like, oh, OK, we've got to do it. So that did help a little bit. Now, so we did that. And then we go and see Wicked. Have you seen Wicked? No. Right. So it's really good. Really enjoyed it. Was this a go and see Wicked. Have you seen Wicked? No. Right.

So it's really good. Really enjoyed it. Was this a matinee? Matinee. Yep. It's a matinee. So it's worked out perfectly. So we get them home.

Because Lou was going, we're doing too much here. Are you taking both the sisters as well? Yeah. We left them at home. We just took the four friends. It's your birthday. So you've picked four people to go to the show and not you. So they all loved it it to be fair but like i don't think one of them had ever been to the theater before she was like what time's the film finish i was like

and i was like they are real people like you know um i was a bit like oh is this going to be a little bit theory for me because you know there's musicals there's like well it's wicked i think you're all right aren't you well you're not going to see pinter little bit theatre-y for me? Because, you know, there's musicals, there's like... Well, it's wicked. I think you're all right, aren't you? Well... You're not going to see Pinter. I've never watched... Well, for me, it is a bit... I like, you know... I've never seen The Wizard of Oz,

so I was struggling with some of the references. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like black and white films, and I've got a short attention span. It's colour. Well, not if you've got a short attention span, it's not. It starts off black and white, doesn't it?

Yeah, very good point anyway so but it was quite funny because there's one scary bit in it where the the wizard comes out and he's got this big booming contraption of voice and it was quality because basically i was sat behind the kids and there was loads of other kids in there as soon as he comes out because it was so cold everyone had their big winter coats there was just like 500 coats went up and they hid behind their coats just i can see like like Mexican waves of coats. But no, so we went there. So that was a Petri Express, too wicked, all good, train home.

This is going well. Great, to be fair. It's busy. We're tired, but it's going well. But on the train back, right, I'll go, right, everyone, we're going to get a McDonald's to eat on the train back, okay? So I'll go to McDonald's, Victoria. This is quite stressful, but it's fine.

I say to the kids, we're getting Happy Meals. What's your Happy Meals order? And then'll go to McDonald's, Victoria. It's quite, this is quite stressful, but it's fine. I say to the kids, we're getting Happy Meals. What's your Happy Meals order? And then one goes nuggets, hamburger, nuggets. One said wrap of the day. I went,

yeah, whatever. Nuggets or burger. I'm not getting involved in that. I'm not, I'm not sticking in a wrap of the day order. Yeah. And it was like,

they all go for nuggets. My daughter's going for a burger, whatever. And then, um, they're all arguing over who sits with who. The amount of sitting we had to, we had to have a rotation system for like a football manager of like,

well, you can sit next to the birthday girl for that bit of the trip, then you could do it. And it was evening it out. And is that because one person's more popular? Is it the birthday hierarchy or just- It's well, they all want to sit next to some, they all want to sit with whose birthday it is. Right.

Because at that age, people care. Imagine going to someone's birthday now and giving a shit if you sat next to the birthday boy. Excuse me, Josh. I know Tom Crane's there and he's your friend, but he did sit up next to you on the train up to London. I mean, James Acaster, your other friend, and I'd quite like to sit with you going back.

That'd be a funny sketch, actually, of adults having a party like kids would i thought of another funny thing i was tom allen i was with tom allen the other day killing time in town before a gig and he went to his hat he's got a hat he's got a hat maker right whatever they're called a hatter but it was the oldest shop in london like winston churchill used to get his hats from there so i'm just sat in the corner like what the fuck's going on here? Like pretty woman.

And he needed his hat stretched, right, because his hat was a bit small. Is his hat growing? I don't know. Or maybe he got it, or it shrinks in the, wherever I don't know what it is. Anyway, it's this beautiful hat he's got. You look like a detective, right? And he's got this hat. I always look like I've just bunked off sixth form early when I'm in a suit

because we've just done corporate gig. And I just thought a funny sketch of like, there there was like it's very fancy and very posh i was like yes sir not a problem we'll mr allen we'll stretch the hat for you perth it will take it up a size and and i just imagine they go out the back and it's just a massive geezer a massive edge and just like four of them just pull it down over his head anyway so we're on the train we're about to get on the train. I say, what are your McDonald's orders? Nuggets, nuggets, burger. The fourth child, I've never had McDonald's before. I'm not allowed it.

Oh, this is an awkward situation. Now, what are you doing there, Josh? You're in a station. It's busy. There are other places you can go. Probably, I'm just going to run. I'm just going to run away and leave them to it. What do you mean leave them?

You're ordering the food. I just can't deal with the stress. I'm just going to say, you'm just going to run away and leave them to it. What do you mean leave them? You're ordering the food. I just can't deal with the stress. I'm just going to say, you guys look after yourselves. I'm going to go and watch Wicked again on my own. Well, no, you'd probably have a quick conflag with Rose, would you? I'd say, why don't I take you to Pratt and the others can have McDonald's. Right. Okay.

And I think, do you know what? That's probably the right decision and you're a better man than me. And I went, well, you're with me now. You can have it. What do you want, nugget or burger? She went, oh, I don't know. I went, do you like chicken nuggets normally? She went, yeah.

I went, you can have nuggets and chips, eh? So I've just doubled down, and I'm that guy. Yeah, right. Fine. I just went, you're having nuggets. She went, okay. Anyway, so we give it to them. They're having it on the train.

They're all buzzing and excited. They're having a great day out. They're loving it, right? And then they all play. I'm sat there because I've got, Lou's got my other daughter, the youngest, in one corner. What I would say is, though, the mistake we had was I reckon there were too many kids, really.

We should have gone to my daughter whose birthday it was. You can invite two friends or one friend or two friends, and then the youngest can invite a friend her age. So she's got someone to hang with. Yeah, was the youngest a bit left out? Yeah, so because she's younger, she was trying to get in, and they do know her from school, and they were letting in with games, which also she's younger, so it doesn't really flow as well.

So I think looking back, we would have gone less friends to come and stay over. And then one friend who, because she's a bit younger, maybe didn't stay over, but came for the day. You know what I mean? Yeah. Did your daughter have a difficult choice to choose the four friends? Yeah, really difficult. She's popular and friends with everyone and stuff like that. And the friendship groups change all the time.

But she, a little bit, it's a bit of like back and forth. And she comes down the stairs. I think I'm actually, I'm like, you have to pretend to care. But you're like, just. Okay, all right. Then, well, you know. And then, like, once you make the decision, though, you can't uninvite anyone.

So let's just make sure, you know, all that shit. But she's a bit worried about sleeping over. I'm like, okay, right. You know, whatever. So you force fed this child McDonald's. Yeah, she's having, she's's fucking loving it though, mate. It's good stuff. She's getting it down.

Anyway, so we're on the train, they're on the train smashing this McDonald's and I'm like military operation because I've got us on a sixth berth. They're playing this game which stressed me out. Promise, dare, kiss or swear. What's that? Well, you can work it out.

Promise, dare, kiss or swear. So you have to have a kiss someone, you have to swear, do a dare or promise, right? Oh my God. Promise, dare, kiss, or swear. So you have to have a kiss to someone. You have to swear, do a dare, or promise, right? Oh, my God. So you all go, Rob. And I was like, okay. And then they went, kiss. You've got to kiss.

I was like, okay. She went, but you can't kiss your own daughter. I went, well, I'm not playing this game. I'm not sat on a train playing kiss, dare, promise, swear. How was the birthday? Well, he gave me my first McDonald's and then kissed me. So I said, I'm not playing the game. You play the game.

Yeah. Anyway, we get them off the train. Yeah. This, I still can't believe this bit happened. We get off the train. We're waiting for taxis to take us back home right we're gonna get two cabs one of the kids luckily the one that had had a mcdonald's before sick everywhere oh no spews up lose like got outside the station rubbing

about um and then we hear from the other kids because they all when they get like groups of young girls together it's just like hysteria they They're just like, oh, my God, she's being sick. She's being sick. It was just like madness. And then apparently she gets travel sick. And I was, she did have a big coat on, on a train, going backwards, eating at McDonald's, stuffed into a carriage. So she's being sick.

So I ring the parents and think, right, also as well at this point, a couple of the girls were like, we're not sure if we're going to stay over because we've never stayed over before. And me and Lou would love the girls to stay over, so they're all part of the party. But if we lose a couple, it's not the end of the world. Yeah. As long as there's one, you don't want a full write-off. No, that's terrible.

But two of the girls had already stayed at ours before, so I'm like, they are nailed on staying. The other two hadn't had a sleepover before, and I was like, we'd love them to stay, but if they go, I'm not going to be crying if there's two less children to look after overnight. Right, yeah. Anyway, she rallied the girl that was sick. We chucked them in a cab.

We get them home. And then we get them – do you know what? It was better to go and do something in the day because by the time they got home and because they'd already eaten, teeth, brush their teeth, have a drink of water, get them up in the bedroom to have a sleep over was like actually it's quite good because i've not messed the house up if you've got eight kids in a house all day it's carnage yeah we get them in there and then my daughter my kids go sleep straight away almost and then the other two that stayed over the two that never stayed over

before up chatting till midnight till midnight mate one point, I came into the front room, watched the box, fell asleep watching the boxing at about half ten, woke up at half eleven, turned all the lights off, took the dogs out for a wee. They're still up there chatting away. Fucking hell. And then they got up at like five in the morning. Did you feel like you should go up there and go, come on, guys?

So Lou was up there tidying the bedroom, and her bedroom's right near where they were sleeping, was like, right, girls, go to bed. So they were, like, whispering and chatting. They weren't being difficult or loud at all. They were all really well behaved, to be honest. However, we did say, I'll pick them up about 11 the next day, and then at, like, 5.30 on the Saturday, Lou was like,

yeah, if you want to come and get them from 9.30. Because this is how busy, because then the next day, I didn't realise fully, Lou had booked this, so that we've got a sleepover. They're coming to get them at 9.30 in the morning. Then what we get, I can't believe we've nearly done a whole episode and I've got to Saturday of this week. No, it's Sunday.

Sunday. So I've got to, right, so it's Sunday. It's Sunday. I get get up i take the dogs for a walk right yeah get them out the house while loads of people are coming to pick up the kids when i come back after dog walk kids have all gone now at midday lou's got a woman arriving to do wreath making for her fam her sisters and a couple of friends so it's like 12 people coming around her house to make christmas wreaths yeah but she brings all the gear so at midday a woman arrives with like 15 boxes of stuff and like boot sale tables

to set up and they're making wreaths in my kitchen right about 12 people and i'm like okay right that's happening so while this is happening my eldest who's not feeling too good in bed she's fine she's laying in bed with her ipad is she just and she just had too much birthday too much fun and this is the start of her being under the weather okay and then she's still unwell a week later get up and so now i've got to take my daughter i take my daughter to a science party she's got a science party from her school friend which involves so basically it's making a scientist scientist, kids entertainer. What I would say is scientists aren't your natural people's person. Anyway, and it was a nice scientist guy. There's quite a lot of kids in the class.

And he was like, what you've got to do, and it's quite instructive. You've got to do this. You've got to do that. At one point, the two kids started having a fight. I've never seen a lot of proper. What? They were arguing from these two kids in my daughter's class. And then the scientist guy was like, can someone split them up?

It was like a DJ at a nightclub. Oh, my God. So anyway, I come back from the party. That's two till four. So I do the party, come back from the party. And then Lou has got people arriving from 5 p.m. for Christmas drinks. Fucking Nora. I'm like, this weekend's mental, right?

What's Christmas drink And so some are staying After the reef making And then their partners Are coming Right For Christmas drink So it's a few friends

Of Lou's that came So they're coming And about 25 people came And then Oh my god They come from Between five and seven Anyway

We end up getting drunk Had a quality night But before we know it It's 1am What On a Sunday Yeah And then we've got A school run the next day we end up getting drunk, had a quality night, but before we know it, it's 1am. What? On a Sunday? Yeah.

And then we've got a school run the next day. Oh my word. But I'll tell you what the best part of it was. Basically, sometimes when it's dark, the easiest way, and raining, the easiest way to get out of our house to get someone into their cab

is to go through the garage, right? So you just, you wait in the garage and you can just jump in the cab. It's the easiest way to stay dry out the front of our house. And I've had a really, I've had a really smelly garage, Josh, and it absolutely stinks.

I don't know what to do. It basically needs a bit more ventilation, but the builders are coming back to do it. They haven't yet. Absolutely stinks. And then when we drive the car in, it brings in the mud and the wet, and it's that horrible, dank sort of smell. Anyway, bought an Airglade plug-in.

It's transformed it. It's actually, I would say, the best-smelling room in the house. Sometimes I just go in there for a quick sniff back in the kitchen. And one of our friends, as they left, she went, oh, your garage smells lovely. And I was like, that's the best compliment I've had because it stunk for weeks. She said my smelly garage smelled like.

Now, so this brings us to Monday, Josh. No. It's still going. Oh, yeah. So it's still going. So what I've got left is, well, I've got to talk about Roman Day. Keep going. Keep going.

Roman Day and another birthday party and A&E. Well, do you know what, Rob? Yeah. Do you know what? Why don't we, we'll be honest here. Yeah. We've had a guest pull out this week. Why don't we double up on just episodes of us two?

Right, let's do that then. Because I've still got stuff. We'll do a bit more and then we'll stop and we'll do To Be Continued. Next week, we'll talk about Roman Day, A&E and the other birthday because it's a very busy month for the Becketts with the birthdays. And we'll talk a bit more about what your week is is let's do a couple of bits correspondence and the small business yeah okay josh i've got some correspondence here hit me up with some correspondence now josh this is a good one kimberly nixon we were talking about what parents call their kids bits

you know she was talking about wilson and things like that now this is um from page who's 324 months she said it reminded me of what my friend's mother used to call it. She would refer to her daughter's bits as tuppence. Oh, yeah, I've heard that one. Which left my friend with some confusion as a child when she would watch Mary Poppins and the bird lady would sing, feed the birds tuppence a bag. Safe to say we had a giggle over this. Keep it sexy and relatable, Paige.

Yes, I've heard tuppence. I've got a boomer story about haircuts, and then we can do some small business. That's a big place to have a boomer. This is from Matt, 280 months from Aylesbury in Bucks. Hello, Rob and Josh. A boomer story for you here. When I was young, growing up, I hated having my haircut done.

I would cry and scream if I had to go to the barber's. One day, my dad bought a pair of clippers, took me to the garden, and tied me to a chair, and then cut my hair. Fuck off. Fuck off. I hated this. Like reservoir dogs. I hated this even more and tried to get out of the chair.

Of course you did. And in doing so, oh, this is awful, Josh. I fell over onto the patio floor and cut my head open. Fucking hell. Screaming in pain, my dad looked over to me and said, serves you right. What? Awful.

That is not boomer. I'd classify that as abuse. Yeah, I would as well, yeah. Incredible anecdote I was recommended the podcast by a friend And I'm now hooked Got a babe in the way Due 8th of December

Good luck Matt That is horrible Poor old Matt 280 months What's that in old money So it's like 20 22, 23 But that's mad

Because his boomer dad Would have been doing that around 2000. When you were shagging Dua Lipa in Manchester. Right, here's a small business for you. Here we go. Now, see, I wanted to talk to you about this, Josh. Here we go. So, hi, Rob and Josh.

I've been enjoying your podcast since moving back to the UK from Australia in 2020. I was wondering if you could give me a small business shout-out. I've been a chiropractor for the last 12 years now. I'm a big chiropractor fan, Josh. You have the osteopath on your neck. Have you tried chiro? I think I have in my time, yeah. You should give it a go.

It definitely helps me out. Anyway, past 12 years. My neck's good at the moment. It's back to its best. Lovely. give it a go it definitely helps me out anyway my neck's good at the moment it's back to its best lovely but i've recently opened my own clinic in inverclade scotland we help those with stiff necks misaligned pelvises in brackets from sore toes yeah aka maga that's what was wrong with me my little toes messed up me hips and pelvises as well as usual back pain and some headaches i also help pregnant women alleviate the aches and pains they may experience from their ever-changing bodies

i love treating babies and children also you can find out more at invaclidechiropractic.com or follow us on instagram at invaclide underscore chiropractic thanks all the laughs and comfort in knowing others find parenting hard at times thanks fiona please bring your life short to glasgow next year boys okay hope you're well i was wondering if you give a small business shout out to my mobile nail clinic based in kirk lees west yorkshire it's my wife's startup business as she's recently fully qualified and turned a hobby into a business we both know what that's like rob i'd mostly appreciate a shout out so that i can watch the footy at the weekend in peace bloody bloke um the sort of services that are offered are gel

extensions acrylics build in a bottle press on nails and more priced personally for you get in touch for a quote she can be contacted at molecular m-o-l-e-c-U-L-A-R.nails on Instagram. Thank you and keep up the good work. We're avid listeners of the show. Abdullah. Big up, Abdullah. There we go. Absolute lad.

I am becoming a stereotypical dad. It's hard not to. And you like football. It's just all you... Also, I didn't realise the 5.30pm kick-off on a Saturday is so perfectly timed for a busy dad or mum who likes football. Just, like, it's great because all the parties are normally done by then. Get them home, give them a bit of dinner

and they play for an hour or so. Stick them in the bath at half time. Absolutely wallop up. See you later. Right, Josh, I'll see you next week. We'll finish up all my stories. See you later. Bye.