Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP45: Scott Bennett (The Return)

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian - Scott Bennett. You can listen to Scott's podcast 'Brew with the Bennett's' wherever you get your podcasts. And find date and ticket info for his new tour at scottbennettcomedy.co.uk Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with can you say rob beckett good boy and And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Amazing. Thank you. There we go. Low barometer for amazing, that parent. This is my son Griff. Great name.

Come on, Griff. Big Daddy Griff. Yeah. Hello, you slags. This is my son Griff doing the intro. The first clip is him doing it over a year ago when he was about 18 months. Forgot to send it. Oh, you slags. This is my son Griff doing the intro. The first clip is him doing it over a year ago when he was about 18 months. Forgot to send it.

Oh, the second clip. We've got a second clip. Come on. It's him doing it today. Griff squared. This is his a year later. Griff. Can you say Rob Beckett?

Rob Beckett. Good boy. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Very good. Good boy. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Very good. Well done. Marked improvement. Also as well, she gave that a well done.

She was amazing him off a year ago and it was rubbish. Yeah, well, there you go. That's encouragement for you. Parenting for you. Interested to see if Rob can guess where we're from? Oh, God, that's tough. I think somewhere up north. I'm going to say Manchester.

Very close. Oh. Think a pop star stoke yes correct stoke on trent not bad the problem is everyone does their telephone voice when they speak to their kids yeah of course have you watched the robbie williams doc rob yeah it makes sense why he was in his vest and pants and in a bed when he did our show yeah i loved it i loved it i love him i feel sorry for him he was thrust into the limelight at a very young age fucking hell i feel sorry for him and i feel like he still cares too much about what people think yeah do you know i mean even though the documentary is about him not caring anymore and getting self i think he's in a much better place than he was but i feel thinking yeah just don't worry mate it just doesn't matter.

Have you watched the Ronnie O'Sullivan one? Oh, that is amazing. It's so good. He's such a legend. That bit where it's the end of that snooker match and he hugs his opponent and he's mic'd up. Oh, my God. And he just unleashes how he actually feels.

It is heartbreaking. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's absolutely heartbreaking that he can put that much pressure on himself. It's an amazing insight into how messed up really successful people are yeah and you sort of automatically assume someone who's naturally talented but also works hard and really cares and puts those effort in and he's a genius at what he does he's the greatest ever ah imagine being that talented or with that successful but like a lot of the time people that make it to that elite elite

level aren't wired up right because they can't just let it be they have to keep going and have to be the best and it's exhausting when you see the michael jordan documentary he's an absolute nutcase isn't he like so yeah totally you cannot cannot lose but um yeah both amazing documentaries yeah really good thoroughly enjoyed them thoroughly enjoyed a little netflix reco there josh yeah well i think i sullivan's on amazon of all things oh yes he is i just thought netflix used netflix as all documentaries so do i like hoover yes or tannoy yeah do you want to do some correspondence josh we've got quite a few to get through yeah should i do some correspondence irish driving test fails and laws absolutely

that sounds good doesn't it? Hi, you sexy beasts. After hearing your episode about driving tests, I had to write in and tell you about the ridiculous laws we have here in Ireland. Over here, you start driving lessons, and after about five, you go and do your theory test. Once you pass it, you get your provisional license, which lasts for about five years. When that expires, you update it to your second provisional,

and then third provisional. You can drive here with a provisional license without having a fully qualified driver with you and continue to do this until your third provisional license expires, which is about 15 years. No. Then you really do have to go and get a full license. If you take your test while you have a provisional license and fail you can continue to drive you can literally drive to the test center fail your test to drive home again so basically you do five lessons and pass a theory yeah that means you get your provisional which means you can just do as much driving as you want but between then in the next 15 years you have to pass a test but if you fail it doesn't matter but after that 15 years, I think if you can't drive, you've done the damage by then. Yeah, I think exactly.

Also, about 40 years ago, there was a backlog of people waiting to take their test. The government issued anyone who failed their test once a full licence in order to relieve the backlog. No. It's absolutely bollocks, isn't it? They were never made to take their tests and had no problem renewing their licences.

So there's a generation of people driving around who've never passed their tests. That is incredible. Well, I'd say though, the truth is a lot of people say it, go, you only learn to drive once you've passed your test. Yeah. That's when you actually learn how to drive. You don't do motorways. That's what's mental. You can pass your test and you don't go on a motorway and then you go on a motorway and you absolutely shit yourself. What the fuck is this? Yeah. Well, maybe just do that. the backlog clear the backlog yeah do you want a toilet stage fright tip hi lads hearing josh talk about stage fright the urinals urinals for a couple of weeks ago i had to write in i had this a number of years and recently worked out a way to get over it is to name the starting 11 of your football team for the coming week. So as a Fulham fan, I will say in my head,

Leno, Lino? Leno. Tete? Ream? I've never heard of any of these. And by Harry Wilson, I'm pissing like a shy horse. If you needed to go into the subs bench, and then you will have to bring on as many as well.

I think it must take your mind off other people. Works every time for me now. Game changer. I hope it works, Matt. The problem is they've got a player called Willian. Right. Is he still playing football? Willian?

Yeah. It'll take you straight back to the piss. Yeah. If you're trying to take your mind off it and you go, you've got someone called Willie. Yes. I mean, I don't know if that's going to work. I just don't believe that's going to work. Well, not for you.

You don't know the Fulham team. Exactly, Rob. I didn't even know how to pronounce Leno. Leno. Leno. Jay Leno. Jay Leno. It's not Jay Leno, is it?

Leno. It's Bernd Leno. He's a German goalkeeper. Oh, didn't he play for Arsenal? Yes, he did. Hi, Rob and Josh. After listening to your episode with Scarlett Moffat and your discussion about nicknames your parents used to give you as a kid,

I thought I'd share mine. My parents used to call me Trowlface. Trown? Trowl, like a garden trowl. Yeah, okay. Yes, I had a pointy chin and a face shaped like a garden trowl. Oh, that's not okay, is it? They also called me Baldilocks for a long time

as I remained bald for many years after being born. Absolutely love the pod and thank you for constantly providing all the laughs. has genuinely helped me through the past few years i'm not surprised trial face that's right neve from north wales you're balding you got a pointy face we're going to call you balding locks and trial phase yeah baldy locks is fine for a baby when they're little and they don't know what's going on but an actual child trial is so mean yeah that isn't fair is it character building it's a very overrated term isn't it yeah an email from santa this sounds good hi robert josh a sneaky parenting tip for you my nearly six year old was really playing up this afternoon so my husband and i set up an email address from santa at gmail.com surely that's been taken my nine

year old read it out to the younger one and so far it's worked see below thanks the message dear mummy wrote i wanted to send you a quick message before it is too late i'm concerned about finley's behavior finley is currently on my naughty list if his behavior doesn't improve then this will stay i know he can be good boy and make it back onto the good list best wishes santa with a santa emoji and a kiss oh god i don't know about that it's hardcore if it works that is intense isn't it fuck it i just feel like that it's almost like a nuclear button you just don't want to press it's from a non so they're clearly not so sure about what they've done they know what they've done so over their line they

know they're stepping on a line whether they're going over it or not it's for you the listener to decide. You can judge away. Do you want one more? Do one more, come on. We haven't had a fucking boomer. Sorry. We haven't had a bloody boomer.

There was no need to swear, was there? I know, but I quite like it that you redid it. Yeah. Hi, Rob and Josh. Who's telling you off for swearing? My own conscience. After listening to a recent episode, I had to email my grandpa's parenting

hell boomer story my grandpa had parked in the road and left my mum eight and uncle 10 in the car while he dropped something off at a friend's house when he came out of the house the car was gone here's what had happened he had forgotten to put the handbrake on and the car was parked on a hill it rolled forwards down the hill my mum and uncle didn't know how to stop so my uncle climbed into the front and did his best to steer fucking hell now i'm swearing the car then approached a t-junction so my mum shouted for my uncle to steer left up the hill to make the car slow down. As he did this, luckily passengers by ran over and pulled up the handbrake. When my grandpa found the car and the kids, his one instruction was don't tell your mum.

They obviously didn't listen. Imagine seeing that, a car driving down a hill with a 10 and an eight-year-old the 10 driving the car also they remember everything kids yeah when they get to that age as well they know they can use it as currency so i was taking my daughters to the harvester i was meeting their cousin right oh they you said don't tell your mom i'm taking you to the harvester come on guys they love the harvester that's where she went for her birthday meal she went to harvester and then they'll be quite naughty and i went you are not getting, they have all these coin machines where you put a quid in it or euros if you've got any euros knocking about.

And you get like a little plastic ball of a toy. And, okay, they love it. So we always get them when we go Harvester. Have you got any change for that? I went, at the moment, you're not getting one. You've both been too naughty. You and your sister are not getting one of those toys because you've been naughty. You're lucky you're even going Harvester.

And they went, what about, and they said their cousin's name. And I went, I don't care about her. I don't care if she gets one or not and they went you don't care about her your own niece i can't believe you said you don't care about i went no no i said i don't care whether she gets a toy or not because it doesn't matter to me if she's good or not that's not my responsibility you're my responsibility and you're not being good to your own game so i don't care if she gets one they went i can't believe you don't care about our cousin. You said you don't care about your niece.

And I was like, I know what you're up to, you pair of fucking twats. And then I was in there at dinner. And then my sister-in-law was there with the kids. And then my youngest went, Daddy said he doesn't care about her. And I was like, no, you know what I meant. I said I don't care about the top. She was desperate to throw me under the bus yeah they knew what they're doing oh bastards on today's show very special guest it's a returnee josh a returnee because the last time he was on

scott bennett told us a funny but also heart-wrenching and insane story about his daughter who had a rare illness and it involved Wayne Rooney, private jets, Germany, operations, hospitals, the baby becoming hairy. If you've not listened to Scott Bennett's first appearance, go back. It's an amazing story. However, we've got him back this time for more of a traditional Parenting Hell chat and catch up about his kids that don't involve a 50-minute story. And it's a banger. It's so funny. It's so good.

This is the return of Scott Bennett with less heart wrench, more lulls. Though he does talk about the Arctic monkeys. Yes, which for some people, that's a painful subject. Welcome, Scott Bennett, the return. Welcome back. Scott, absolute pleasure to have you back. You've been on before. Parenting Hell royalty. Yeah, Parenting Hell. Only a few have returned, Scott Bennett, the return. Welcome back. It's a pleasure to have you back. You've been on before. Parenting Hill Royalty.

Yeah, Parenting Hill. Only a few have returned, Scott, but thanks for coming back. Oh, my God. I'm honoured. No one's ever done three. Has anyone ever done three? Well, let's see how this goes. Yeah.

Maybe we could just record a third straight off the back if it's that good. Yeah. I mean, the last one was more of a serious one, so you said, for god's sake come back on air and do something light you had a very traumatic if you've never listened to scott's first one go back and listen to that that was um you talking about your daughter's sort of health journey yeah which had a very rare disease which ended up when you're in a private jet to germany yeah and then back in hospital meeting Wayne Rooney.

Yeah, it was a bit braggy for my tastes, but, you know, as stories go, there was a lot of humble brags flying around. Yeah. A lot of names being dropped. Klang, Michael Carrick, Davidich, Klang. So this one's more of a general chat about being a parent as opposed to a...

Could you just recap us on that story from the start? I mean, the one thing about it is I listened back to it and I thought, that is punchy. At one point, my mum and dad listened to it and my mum went, are you really a comedian? Because that was one of the bleakest hours I've ever had to endure. I thought it was fascinating.

Obviously, it's not as... It was fascinating. It was great. It's a semi-serious topic, but I found the actual story, and you're very funny at telling it at the same time, to be fair. Did it peak your tour sales

in the way you were hoping? Yeah, but I've ended up touring walking centres, which... Urgent care. Wasn't on the plan, do you know what I mean? It's a very strange every time, you know. I've got a time in my punchlines with the beeps of ventilators.

No, it was wonderful. The response, just to be serious, has been bigger than anything I've ever done before. So that's down to you guys. And I think, yeah, it was brilliant. If there's any, it's really, if there's any heroes in the story, it's me and Rob. Absolutely.

Forget the doctors. Forget the NHS. It was like Noel Edmonds at Christmas or something. I miss that guy wandering around hospitals with his beard. I miss him. So to recap, how old are your kids now, Scott? What are we looking down the barrel at? We're looking at 13 and 7.

Okay. Which one's the one who's been on a private jet? The 13-year-old. It's the one who's in the west wing of the house now. Only speaks to us through a PA. Yeah, so it's 13 and 7, and yeah, it's getting quite interesting, actually. Is it? Yeah.

Are they daughters, did you say? Both daughters, yeah. I mean, my 7-year-old at the moment is, and I don't know if this is the same for you, they're exhausted at the moment. They're tired. Yes. There's no sunlight. Yeah, they're miserable, can't get them out of bed.

Miserable. Getting my daughter to school this morning, the 7-year-old, was like trying to move a Just Stop Oil protester. She was just sort of, I don't want to do anything. At one point she says, I don't want to do any of this. So what is that? I think it's a long term, isn't it?

I think apparently it's a longer term. So that's the first step of teenager? Well, no, the seven-year-old is just, she's just on a massive go slow. But I mean, is that her going from the excitement of being five? The novelty's wearing off of school. And then also as they get to seven and eight, it isn't just, oh, let's play or learn how to read and write. It's like, now let's do some work. Let's do some proper maths.

Let's do some proper English. Yeah. It's sort of that year three at school is a bit of a step into right now you need to be it's not it's not proper i could fucking nail all those sums well i'm struggling with my daughter's homework at the moment genuinely it's when you have to google it you think oh how thick am i also i realize i don't write in full sentences so i could help them with spellings because i'd look on my phone but now they're writing full sentences but i I'm writing bullet points still. So I went, Lou, I'm out.

I'm done. Year three of primary school. I cannot help. Obviously, I'm not an idiot. I know the information. I can communicate it. However, to get a good grade and pass an exam in that way that a school needs information.

You're verbal. Yeah. In that way for that school to receive information written down, I'm done now. I'd love to see you doing the exam like Elf on a little chair. I think I should. It would be a great TV show if Rob Beckett tries to do education from year three.

Yeah, I need some extra time. I would. It's mental. I was like, Lou, I don't understand. She went, you're not writing full sentences, but I don't really ever need to. Yeah, it is. And obviously you don't need to spell anymore.

No one needs to spell. No, your phone does it. Also, she's doing these quick sums, Scott and Josh, where like she can do it as quick as I can do it in a calculator. Oh, my word. Oh, my word. Well, it's big subtraction. They have these little sayings like, if more at the top, the less at the bottom,

take one away, borrow the 10. And I'm like, what the fuck's going on here? It feels like Rob's pitching a new quiz show to us. With his catchphrase. Give me ten years, Rob will be doing if there's more at the top, there's less at the bottom. Welcome to Borrow the Ten with Rob Beckham.

And what have you saved? There's more at the top, there's less at the bottom. Let's go. She's also getting a little attitude though, because this man has laughed the other day. Because me and Gemma, I don't know if it's the same for you guys when you can't obviously shout at them or swear at them but when she was driving us to the edge we were in the bedroom putting some clothes away and jemma came in and she does the silent swearing like she'll go in and go and then i'll say i'll say i said to her it's just a. And I just heard this voice from downstairs just go, it's not a phase.

They can hear the hearing so good. It's like bat hearing. It's like through floorboards. It's unbelievable. So this week they've had like the rolls for the school play. Oh, right. She didn't get one. And it's like you forget that brutal competitiveness at school.

Oh, my God. And they sat them all down and announced it. So is this the seven or 13? Seven-year-olds. What? They normally get a line, don't they, or something? She didn't get a line, so she's like, I'm in the dance bit. But I was like, oh, that's brutal.

It's like the boot camp. You shouldn't have said that, Scott. When she said I'm in the dance bit, you shouldn't have gone, oh, that is brutal. You've had a shocker there mate love it up you're not even a tree what's happening there when they get lines in the plays and they practice they have to practice them at home I don't know if you've had this yet Josh or you must have in the past Scott yeah like they have a line and sometimes

I feel like you could put a joke in there yeah but I don't want to be that comic parent that rewrites the line and sends them back in yeah I don't but I'm because I'm like i don't want to be that comic parent that rewrites the line and sends them back in yeah i don't but i'm because i'm like you don't want to be that weird parent because they'd go that isn't a full sentence yeah yeah but did it get a fucking laugh yes it did i've sat through this shit for four years now let's liven it up but um my daughter's doing it got a line where she my little daughter does this weird impression of a sheep where she goes like that like she'll just burst into that now and again it's quite funny because she'll do it in a weird oh so they've written it in well i haven't you think it but you don't get involved in it because

you don't want to be that person who's messing it about but she went the shepherd have the sheep and then she went i'm gonna say well the shepherd have the sheep then go and i'm like well you do what you you do a lot i i wanted to because it'll be amazing and it'll get a massive lot but i'm like but i don't want to be that the comedian who's forcing their kid into doing silly jokes in a play so i was just like well you do what so i'm trying to just shut up and let them decide essentially where's your money do you think there's three options? Yeah. It gets cut before the day by her or the teacher. She goes through with it and it rips it. Or she bottles it at the moment of delivery,

which is what I would have done as a child. I'd have gone all the way to delivery and then bottled it at the moment of delivery, I think. Well, she's been saying, I'll just do this when I practice at home. So she's been doing that as a sheep noise at home. But then I imagine in the rehearsal, she'll do it properly. In the first performance, she'll do it properly.

However, there's a second performance the next morning. Yeah. I reckon she might go, fuck it. Yeah. I'm going to go full sheep. Yeah. And which performance have you booked in to go to, Rob? I'm going to both.

You're going to both? Well, yeah, because I was around. So I thought, why not? They're just after drop off or just before pick up so i was doing both anyway so i could but i love it if if in the matinee we'll be a bit more freewheeling in the matinee you know play around a bit you know play around a bit feel the script do you know what i mean it's uh is she a bit upset then your daughter that she's not got a? She was a little bit but I tried to sort of I said to her

I sat her down and said listen listen to your dad I'm in a business where bitterness is par for the course. I've been here many times

you not getting this role of Mary was very similar to me when I got my sitcom rejected. Now sit down and let me tell you about some real

hatred of the industry. She sort of then realised it was quite low level. They put you in a dance troupe then as well, didn't they? They said, we can't give you a sitcom, but do you want to dance in the background of someone else's? At the back of Mrs Brown's Boys, you can do the samba.

That's what I said to her, that's just part of theatre, darling. It's part of life, rejection. It is part of theater darling and uh yeah it's part of life rejection it is part of life and what have we learned never go into showbiz yeah stab you in the heart never go into something that you don't love doing basically because whatever you end up doing as someone that's gonna you make you bitter or reject you but if you're enjoying it then that's half sort of half helps do you know what i think i think as comedians we're in terms of the showbiz worlds i'd say ours is one of the better ones yes because we've got a fucking skill most of them just fucking wander around doing tv

presenting here he is fucking granddad over here just bloody turning on their t-clocks these days we've got a fucking skill If you're a stand-up you've learnt a trade so if you learnt your trade you can go on the circuit you can go and do

different Christmas gigs or whatever and always earn a living. However if you are an actor you are semi at the mercy of the industry completely where

we have a little bit more we can go and create. I'd say they are skilled but you're right. They are skilled sorry.

Their lives are in other people's hands and that's why it's horrific because also they have to see who gets the role they went for it's clear as fucking daylight well scott's daughter's got a watch yeah got sat there and watch the other kids it's brutal i think you're right i think as well it is seeing someone else but then the other person would let them know that they didn't get it before they'd even got a chance to see it because they'd probably all be at the same audition i always think like there's six people walking around that were the six people that weren't the friends oh yeah that must be absolutely brutal. Anyway, Scott, 13-year-old.

Tell me about a 13-year-old and boys going out, alcohol, phones, all these things that terrify me. Teenage years, because it's the start of it, isn't it? Yeah, well, luckily we've got... Boys or girls, I should say. Well, yeah, I mean, when you said alcohol and phones, well, is that referring to me, alcohol and phones? That's how I'm coping with the whole,

just sit there, ignore the world, just get smashed on a Tuesday. TikTok and whiskey. Yeah, she's 30, she's very innocent, 13. So we're in the era of sleepovers now, which is another, it's very surreal, actually, because said to jemma the other day they had she had two of them over but we never see him so it's like it's like she's trafficked them they're in her bedroom we don't see them at any point so they just provide for them do you just leave food outside the door live comes down like it's a negotiation and she comes

she gets a tray and just fills it with snacks and then drifts off yeah it's like it's like and i was like are we gonna see them at any point yeah we're just chilling for a bit now and just don't see just watching films or just chilling like it's it's a very strange she's in that weird point as well where this was so funny because she knows she needs money she needs money she can't get a job because she's 13 it's not the 80s i mean we were all i worked at a flower market at 14 did you i was working in a pub at 14 yeah see see that was in there in that era no one gave a shit did they about elf and safety 40 quid a day picked up at 4am back home at 2pm lovely yeah 40 quid a day how are you getting home and walking down a dual carriageway okay see you in the morning no one no one cared did they but yeah going back to live so she she said to me the other day she says i

need i need money that's what she said she knows she needs money can't earn it can't keep leeching off us and then she says oh what can i need money and and i sort of said right she says well i could do babysitting i said that's a really good idea that i said who for she says how about for you and mummy and i was like so you're gonna babysit your sister yeah who lives in the same house you live in and will pay you and i was like mate that's not that's the lowest level effort you could put in but it's a problem because they can't earn money no i mean no disrespect to your daughter i don't know if i am just gonna like in the old days you just have someone who was 13 i don't know if i would just have the neighborhood 13 year old anymore you couldn't get them to do a baby but a five-year- have the neighbourhood 13-year-old anymore. You couldn't get them to do a baby, but a five-year-old,

like a six-year-old, if they'd literally just go, they'd just sit there and go to bed now. Yeah. It'd have to be that. You couldn't leave them with, like, a proper baby. But what does she want money for, Scott? What does she want to buy? Well, she meets her mates, so they go, like,

they're doing that thing that you remember. So they meet in town on their own, I suppose. They go to malls. So they go to, so basically, it lives in Nottingham, not Orlando. They go down the boulevards. What happens is

they're at that weird age where they don't go to park now. The park is for kids, mate. We don't do parks now. So they do Costa. Costa. And what are they ordering? Well, the problem is they order like

a frappe or something, but that's six quid. Yes. So we're in a generation now where these kids like to do what we did. It's a 20 quid day. Minimum. But rather than being Costa, having a frappe for six quid, than being in the park

with boys and cider. Exactly. Well, is that a euphemism? No, no, actually just an apple alcoholic drink. Oh, right. But that's what it leads to. Teenage boys, teenage girls going to the park when they're not going for the swings anymore. That's danger zone.

I mean, I wasn't involved in that as a teenager, but I heard about the other boys that were. And it sounded great for everyone involved down there, but awful for the parents. Is that what you said to your mum, Rob? I have been invited. It sounds great, but I think it'd be awful for you, so I'm going to stay at home.

Obviously, I haven't been invited. I'd be too nervous to go even if I was. I love how you said invited. The way you said invited makes it realise that you... Could I come down there and try and get off for the girl no okay that's fine was it was it six for 6 30 also i went to a mixed school people always go oh single sex schools are so bad because you'll have boys who just don't know how to talk to women i went to school women still don't

fucking know now i've got three in my house i still don't know how to talk to women it's terrifying because she i remember i remember that era i think 14 is definitely the danger one that's the that's the danger age i think i think we've still got innocence so like so like i know that she she goes with the mates they have a cost of go into town. She buys one top from H&M for like six quid. And they do lots of wandering round shops. Same cost as the frappuccino. Yeah, same cost. Absolutely. And her mates have got no money either.

So they just go to Boots and just put the testers on, like lipstick and stuff. It's that sort of innocence. Is it awkward when she's got mates if the parents are too free and easy with like the pocket money? And then there's one that's buying three tops in H&M and they treat them like Jeff Bezos. They're like, oh my God, have you seen it? She bought two frappes and three tops.

Like, I think she's a millionaire. I think luckily they're all on the same sort of financial means. I think that's the problem. If you have one that's wandering around like joan joan collins or carrying bags arrives in an uber yeah hi girls she's on the innocent side of it now so what do you think she's going to do for like her 14th birthday i don't know is it like now gonna it's not ice skating anymore anything like that is it no i mean my youngest went to an ice skating anymore or anything like that, is it? No. I mean, my youngest went to an ice skating party. And if that ever comes in again as an invite, she's ill.

She's 100% ill. I hate it. It is the most stressful, stressful day because you're just wandering and you just go, right, see you in A&E. It's literally a collarbone. Right, off you go. And it's fun when they're little. But when they get to eight or nine and want to do it on their own,

it's horrible. Horrible. So my seven-year-old basically held a penguin. Yeah. Brightened in a bobble hat. One of the plastic ones, just to be clear. Yeah, one of the plastic ones. Yeah, it's not Attenborough-style ice rink.

Real penguins just sliding about. But she held on to this plastic penguin, shat herself, and then got off the ice and had a burger that was the party that's my dream amazing that's my dream for my child if she goes to a ice skating party it's just bedlam as well there's people they've opened it up to the public so there's people flying around it's just it's it's too stressful anything like that forget it mate forget it oh and then you'll say i made one little comment because my daughter absorbs fear seems to absorb fear like i said to her if you fall down bring your fingers in because someone will skate over them and you'll lose them yeah and as soon as i said that i

realized i just introduced that as a possibility yeah of course so she was stood there like that just yeah like conor mcgregor McGregor. Ready for a fight. Ready for a fight. And I was just like, basically, that's been a whole afternoon of fear. So, yeah, she doesn't do that sort of stuff, Liv. She sort of, but then there's moments where, what's really sweet, there's moments where you can see the child still. Like little glimmers, like she'll say, love you.

She disappeared to her room with all the food in the house and then said love you on the way up the stairs and i thought we're not full teenage angst quite yet right so what about for christmas what do you get a teenager these days phone does she got a phone she's got a phone the phone is the problem really i wish i'd never bought a one what age did she get it she got it at like 12 right but she listens to music on it, but it is literally, sometimes I go in to turn the light off on a night and it's across her face like this.

Is it a full access smartphone? Yeah, it's an iPhone 7. But she sort of falls asleep with it. Like it's a pro advert for consumerism when your child's just, that should be the advert for Apple. A child with an apple phone on their head asleep and do you have any rules with it doesn't sound i'll be honest doesn't

sound like it no do you know do you know what the one she loves you taking a phone to bed it's really difficult because me and jemma come from both sides of two different parenting angles. I don't know if it's the same for you guys. You start to realize this as well. I would have rules. I would have the phone is downstairs at 8 o'clock, and Gemma's a bit more let her find a level and let her trust in her instincts.

And to be fair, that is winning out. She's never not done her homework. She's never up till 1 in the morning. She does sort of find her things but it does it's very difficult because i feel like i need to influence it because i'm not around as much but then i think she is actually finding a level bizarrely i think she is actually regulating herself it's too strict they just don't want to do whatever you're saying just out of no sort of rebellion and you you will you will never be your lighting by the way you look like i'm fucking doing a seance or something what's going

on i just leant back well basically i've had a fucking night with me microphone's broke i'm holding this little one again i'm underneath a skylight which i'm getting this weird light like that i mean just fucking i was just having a very nice day Me and Scott Working with a corpse I'm just My day is just really horrible It's the best bit

I had a little moment of peace I thought I'll just lean back Because my back's hurting So I'm going to hold it And it doesn't Immediately It looks like a little microphone That Terry Wogan had on

Blankety Blanket. Like a tiny little... I'm channeling him. I thought you were trying to inject some sort of light-heartedness into my conversation. It was just such a weird move to lean back like a ventriloquist doll.

Such a weird move to lean back like a ventriloquist doll. It looks like one of the ones that... And also, I've got my daughter's headphones on. Only one works, and the other one's been bit by a dog. Haven't you got a Spotify deal? What's happened to this podcast? We're using my first headphones. They're broken. I need a headphone deal.

Oh, my word. What's going on? It's just, well, we're doing this in December. And it's like, what happens is, my kids' birthdays are in December. And then we're trying to be social. There's so much going on. And then my kids broke my other head. i've got another mic here that the kids broke

the thing snapped off inside it that's my normal one so now i'm holding me little terry wogan my whenever stephen bartlett talks about how he set up his podcast and you know how successful is it how much is growing and all that i just sort of feel like, oh, should I be doing that? Because at the moment I'm holding... It's like you've suddenly grown and you've got massive hands and a tiny mic. It's gone all Lilliput, hasn't it? What's the mic for normally? I don't know, I just found it in a drawer.

Normally you can clip it onto a little thing and I've put a bigger... It's side profile. It's even funnier. It's got an R and an L on it. And I don't know what that means. It's right and left. But yeah, so sorry.

It's all right. Yeah. But Stephen Barlett goes, he just wears a black T-shirt so that every episode looks the same because he doesn't want like his emotional journey to distract from what the episode is buffalo i think that's sort of what makes this podcast is that you can look at this this will get clipped up almost definitely the terrible

light in my little mic and you can just look at a man that isn't coping with his schedule essentially because also if we want time off at christmas with the kids we like have to record more in the lead up to it which makes it really stressful yeah and i just can't juggle it all scott i think i said to jemma i said this time of year as well no one knows what's going everyone's driving like pricks everyone's driving like pricks because everyone's got too much on the mind yes everyone's angry it's a very stressful. We've all got to go and see Diane and Colin in between Christmas and New Year. No one wants to do that.

And it's just too much. There's too much packed into one month. Exactly. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling that. Because it feels like the month ends halfway through. You've got to get the month done too soon. Yes.

December is done by the 19th. It's done. Yeah. Well, I hope this goes out before January. Or otherwise we'll put a thing where, unfortunately, Rob didn't survive January. This was recorded before he had a full breakdown. He's in the Priory.

He should be out mid-February. But it's such a difficult one because that's the thing. I think at the moment we're definitely both feeling it, actually. I mean, that's why I think we've got, it's quite good. Gemma's much more calm than I am. But I'm everywhere flat i'm everywhere at the moment i'm not i'm not at home it's mad and i think the christmas get your are you doing a lot of christmas gigs at the moment because you're not doing them josh you seem a bit calmer than me the christmas gigs are sending me slightly insane because people are mental at christmas gigs yeah they're all drunk and rowdy and it's

so hard to get them to listen yeah i think it's for a comics that are very stressful time and luckily i'm you know you can you can't tell i hide i'm hiding it i hide it so well completely i mean you not know i mean looking at that picture there you look completely sane yeah a tiny little mic from the 70s. Oh, Scott, how is Christmas? Because obviously Christmas is the biggest thing in my daughter, who's six, is life. How is it with a seven and a 13-year-old? Because I think when I was 13,

it was more of a means to get stuff by that point than anything else, really. Do you know what's lovely about Liv? And I've got to hand this to her she is sort of she goes with it for Sophia so she knows what the deal is

I'm 100% sure she knows what's going on but like for example she'll get into the spirit of it she's banging to Buble I can hear Buble coming out all the time she's banging to that also we do stuff like my mum and dad are mr and mrs christmas just to let you know they are this time of year something

happens in december and my mum and dad get like mick jagger energy well okay like do you know they become like these they're in the 70s but my mum just goes, Christmas is the time. She just absorbs it. So my dad used to dress as Santa when, with every Christmas Eve, they've done this party at their house for however long I can remember. And my dad, I remember once he used to get my mates who'd come round and then they'd turn on the outside light. And my mum had like a script. They had like a little game going where they'd go,

who's that in the bottom of the garden? And they'd be like, it's Santa. And you'd all have to go down. And it was my dad. And I remember he had his painting trainers on one year, just poking out the bottom. And I was like, I think we know this is a complete ruse. But they were back there banging to Christmas.

And I think Liv is definitely, she goes with it. Like we're going to go to a farm, you know, one of these farms that they open up to Christmas. And I think Liv is definitely, she goes with it. Like, we're going to go to a farm. You know one of these farms that they open up for Christmas? Yeah. You know these ones where they... The grotto for Christmas. Reindeer. Yeah, the rest of the time of the year when the kids pass around a bewildered guinea pig.

You know that sort of... Yeah, yeah. I do just think they just chuck in a deer with antlers and go, it's a reindeer. Because if that's enough, you wouldn't know, would you? No, you wouldn't. So Liv goes through all that. She goes through the motions of it all. But yeah, the seven-year-old is really into it.

Like, it's excited, very excited. The usual trigger warning. We're about to talk about Father Christmas, if you're listening. Does your seven-year-old believe in Father Christmas? Yeah, definitely. Absolutely, 100%. It's an interesting one because I used that the other day. I'm not proud of that.

When she was badly behaved, I said, do you know he's watching? Do you know that, mate? I dropped that in. I was like, he's here, can see you. And it was like that moment where there was a little flash of, I don't know if I believe him, but it's enough guilt to emotionally manipulate a child, isn't it?

Let's be honest. It's one of those things where you don't want to use it, but you feel like we're at death call one. When it's five to nine and she still hasn't put her shoes on, I was like, he's watching, mate. We're bringing out the he's watching. What's your answer for Christmas? My eldest has asked for a stereo, which that's fine.

Oh, is she from 1983? Yeah. A boombox. Is she going to walk around with that on her shoulder and then drop it down and do some breakdancing? She's asked for some Reebok. Do you need a stereo for kids anymore? Is it just a speaker that you connect your phone to?

Well, they're into buying CDs. What? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if my... I mean, come to think of it, she dresses in tweed and drives a Ford Capri. I don't know. She's a child of the 80s or something.

But she's... No, I think it's because they like to go... They sometimes buy them from the charity shops and stuff. And she's... I took her to see the Arctic Monkeys. Yeah. At Coventry. And she loved it. I mean, I couldn't recognise any of the songs and I'm a big fan,

but he's having fun with them, isn't he? He's enjoying himself. I thought, like, have we gone to see, you know, it was like Burt Bacharach at one point. Yeah. I think he had Rob's mic, didn't he? And there he looked good on the dance floor. I was just like,

can we just sing him at the speed in which they're recorded? That would be lovely. So you took her to see the Arctic Monkeys? Because she likes buying CDs. Yeah, so I think I've ignited a passion for music. And you always want your kid to like the same music you do. Have you come to her or has she come to you? What's really interesting is her and her mates,

one of them came round and they had like an AM T-shirt on. This was before I knew she was into that sort of music. But you know like the Arctic Monkeys are a heritage band for these people. Totally. It's terrifying, Josh. It makes you feel so old. It's like if I'd liked the Beatles when I was a kid, well, I did like the Beatles when I was a kid well I did like the Beatles

That is the equivalent We are 18 years Whatever the first album Yeah that's what I think I am That's what I'm not yeah yeah Yeah we're 18 years from that So that's the equivalent of when I was 13 It being

Her listening to the Sex Pistols It's insane so like I always Want to and I always want to, and now it's trying to not be that guy where you go into the bedroom and go, well, I think you'll find the germination of the idea. Do you know, I come in there and go, I remember the first album. This is real music, girls.

Pop that on and get an education. I saw them at, I saw them at Old Trafford with Amy Winehouse. That's where the germination of the ideas started, I'm afraid. And have you noticed they changed their style for every single album? Thanks, Dad. Just drift back out. But yeah, so they're into it through AM.

So then I capitalised on that. I gave her all my old CDs, Arctic Monkeys ones. Yeah. And so she's sort of, she's now big into it. Even though she can't play them because she hasn't got stereo. Well, no, she's got a little pink stereo. You'd go well with your headphones. A little pink stereo.

That's the last remnants of her being a child in her bedroom, really. It's quite sweet, actually. So she wants a proper one. She wants a proper one, which is what we're going to get her. Yeah, CD player, didn't I? You can still buy them, yeah. Yeah, but what's wonderful about when your kid discovers music at 13, they go off into this

rabbit hole where they start, you start hearing stuff coming out of their bedroom so like you'll be walking, I'll be walking past the landing and then like the other day I heard like a bit of the Smiths and like a bit of Oasis and you go, oh she's tracing the lineage from the Arctic Monkeys

back and it's so exciting. She's just doing that through like Spotify, which is obviously an excellent app that everyone should download. Because when I was a kid, I was a teenager. I remember reading about the Smiths and going, I wonder what that sounds like. And going to buy, saving up and going to buy the CD and coming back and playing the CD. But she could just click on everything, ever. Yeah, and that's the thing now. It's so easy for her to do that.

And I remember going out to my mate's house. This is when I was like 14, her age, actually. And he used to get the NME. And he was so cool. Do you know when you've got like a really cool mate? He had three older brothers. It was like wandering into some sort of green room backstage or something. And I'd just go to his house.

We'd read the NME in silence. Didn't really speak to each other. Then I'd just go, oh. It's really surreal. Yeah, just really bizarre. But yeah, so she's in that now. It's very exciting, I think, stage. Have you got a stereo for her yet?

Yeah, sorted it. Oh, you've sorted it. I just got a stereo for her yet? Yeah, sorted it. Oh, you've sorted it? I just found a good one on Curry's in the sale. I'm not going to take any tech advice from a man holding what accounts to a chubba-chub. Oh, my God. It's basically an electronic chubba-chub. Yeah, I know.

It looks absolutely insane, doesn't it? But yeah, so she's into that. But it's an exciting phase, actually, the teenage. So when you heard your daughter playing the Smiths, did you go in and go, have you at any point held out the hand of kind of, we could do this together? And how did it go down?

Yes, I have. I've sort of, I've said to her, so that's when I booked the tickets for Arctic Monkeys. It's the start of sort of i've said to her so that's when when i booked the tickets for Arctic Monkeys it's the start of sort of us doing something together i think yeah so i'm i'm thinking of and the end and probably the end well i said to her i said you love the smiths don't google articles about Morrissey towards his later years up the, just stick with it up until the, you know, Vox All In I and then move on. But it's a wonderful moment being sat with your daughter.

We were sat together at Coventry, which, you know, it's a very... Is it the Rico Arena? Yeah, it's a bizarre place to do gigs. It's a huge old place, isn't it? A huge old place. And I was sort of sat there and I thought, oh, for the first time I'm sitting with her as like a mate, really. It's like I've gone to a gig.

As a peer, as an equal. She's not father-daughter. And she was like, it was a moment where, and I looked around, but there was loads of other dads with the same age. And I thought, oh, my God, they've managed to appeal across a generation. They've done it. and it's very surreal. But it was funny because as soon as they played a new one, collectively everyone went, oh, for fuck's sake.

Including the kids as well. Well, the weird thing was is Liv likes the more stuff like the car and the tranquility based motels. I like the car. He likes that sort of stuff, but it just doesn't translate well live. It's more immersive, I think. What was it like, her experience of a big gig like that? I mean, I've took her to Latitude with me a few times.

So when you get the plus, she started to cotton on to the fact that you got a plus one. And I remember I said to her, she said, are you doing, which she was really behind me for my career. You need to do these festivals, daddy. And then she said, I remember when she said, do you get a ticket? And I said, yeah. She went, oh, right.

Can I come? And I remember that was the first time she'd ever been interested. Yeah. So does she, because a 13 is an interesting time for your dad to be a comedian. How does she feel about you being a comedian doesn't give a shit in any way at all and and this is the point is so when we went to latitude i took her to see manic street preachers fonte's dc things like that she really saw a load of stuff and when i was on in the comedy tent uh i looked around to see if she was

she wasn't there and then i found her in the hospitality tent smashing through the rider so what not alcohol no just biscuits crisps and she just loved holding it up like a wristband going my dad's on there mate so i think I can have an extra whisper so back off when we started doing them you know we've done all the festivals as a comment you do

like Latitude Reading Leeds or whatever Glastonbury and stuff and you sort of get a bit used to it where you do the gig and leave

and just boot off to another one like if you do Reading and Leeds you have to do both on the Friday and Saturday but for them if they get a ticket

and they can leave them there that's like the best thing ever isn't it yeah and also I think whenever I go to Reading and Leeds I feel too old the last time i went there is mental they are so young it's basically children in neon running around yeah and you walk on and go hey guys uh do you remember the 80s or something and they're just like no and you just you've got not all just

done their gcse results or their a-level results. Oh, my God. They are all 16 to 19, aren't they? And I'm trying to talk to them about my fucking, you know... Bad neck. Yeah, my bad neck or my pillow or whatever. Yeah, my dick, something like that. Yeah. I just want to talk to them one-on-one about my tiny dick. But you sort of realise as well, you go like,

I can't connect to these people but when i was there with with live and i shouldn't be able to it'd be weird if i could yes a grown man of 44 just been a massive hit with the 16 year old yeah he's got a really weird demographic yeah my fan base tends to stop at 16 to be honest that's the way i like it yeah i want you suspicious of people that really connect with young people yeah oh okay is that by design or by accident

yeah that never ends well does it I mean I'm fine to go with nannas anything up to nannas you're on safe ground with

if nannas like but yeah there's certain festivals I couldn't I just feel like I don't relate to but yeah I've took Liv to a few

so she says for my GCSEs afterwards, I just want to take a friend to Reading or Leeds, whichever, you can get the ticket by doing the gig. But I don't want to see you. I don't want to ever see you for the whole weekend because you embarrass me. It's that weird thing.

I'd say sort your fucking attitude out if you want this ticket off me. Yeah. Stop trying to talk to me about the stone roses, Dad. I don't give a shit. Yeah, and stop wandering around with your little microphone doing YouTube and stuff. Imagine Steve LaMax on Six Music.

Leave me alone. Stop telling me about the days of the evening session. I don't want to know, Dad. But it's very difficult because you do end up going down that rabbit hole. And when we have Christmas and the family come round, Gemma's mum and dad bang on about the 60s. Yeah. And you feel like going, oh, we all do it.

We all do it. But luckily for you, your daughter likes what you liked. Yeah. Yes. That's what you're desperate for, isn't it, Josh? No. No? I'm not really.

Do you know what I mean? I quite like my life and her life. And never the twain shall meet. What? What, are you doing a bit? No. I like that she likes Dua Lipa. And I like, you know, what I like.

And I'm quite happy that we've got different tastes. Do you not like Dua Lipa? I listen to her. I do like Dua Lipa, but I wouldn't listen to her in my own time. And actually, I quite like that I come to that through my daughter rather than... But you'd go to watch Dua Lipa with her and enjoy it? Yeah, I would go to watch Dua Lipa with her

and I would enjoy it probably more than she would because she's probably an actress. But what if she really got into Blur, like at the age of 13, thought it's a Blur gig with you? I'd go, look, none of your mates are into this. It's weird that you're into it. So I'll get out of it. You're 13, you're into Blur in 2029.

What's going wrong? Just bullying your daughter of a taste of beauty. Yeah, but how do you like it too? I thought we could go together. Yeah, that's why you shouldn't like it because it's for sad old pricks like me. You can't stop it converging though. They find good music.

That's the problem. I loved the Beatles. I loved, and to be fair, that was a thing where me and my parents could meet halfway was that we all loved the Beatles.

Meet halfway. It's quite standoffish. You're talking about like you had real conflict with them it's the only thing we talk about like england and german soldiers playing football on christmas day but the beatles was our uh that's what connected yeah i've just got visions of you sat both ends of a giant dining room table complete silence not getting anywhere and then just listening to while my guitar gently weeps put on love Love Me Do. We need a peace treaty.

No, I got on very well with my parents. What I mean is that and Plymouth Argyle were the things we had in common, if you like. Yes. And television. Yeah. Actually, I had loads in common with them. Don't know what I'm talking about.

You see, they take over the car, though. That's the thing. Liv takes over the car now. So whenever we drive anywhere i have no control it's bluetooth to a phone i've just given up on that yeah it's stressful though isn't it because they're skipping and the well because you have to do one each they get a song each literally we had because it's siri they're just shouting i'm trying to drive um scott we always finish in the same way what is one thing about your partner partner Gemma that you love that she does as a parent?

That you think, oh my God, I'm so lucky. She's amazing. What's the one thing she does that annoys you? And if you were to listen back, she'd go, yeah, he's got a point. I should stop doing that as a parent. I think I'll start with the things that we're very compatible in many ways, which is lovely. That is one of the least romantic things I've ever heard. We're incredibly compatible.

We're like an HDMI cable into a port. However, there is certain things we're not compatible on. Internal body temperature. Hers is operating at a different level to mine. I don't know what's going on there. And one thing I've noticed is she cannot scroll through a Sky TV planner at the same speed as me. And it really gets on my tits.

You wouldn't think this is annoying, but she's got slow eyes. And it's like a condition where she will have to read every synopsis on every single and i'm like mate this is late night tv deals with derek this is qvc there's no plot line here let's just move i can look and go nothing on bed yeah so that's the thing i think we're incompatible on but i would say that the one thing that she does is it's just the lightness she brings a light i think i could get too bogged down in like you know money and the sort of relentless do you know what i mean of life of trying to provide us anxiety yes whereas jemma

provides that sort of she's literally inside now decorating the house, Christmas trees, all that's going up. So she's always making sure that the train of positivity is held on the tracks. You make sure it gets to the station, but she makes sure that when we all get there, we're all happy and love each other still. Yeah, when we get to the station, then I'm

happy. You're not just vomiting blood, there's a lovely Christmas tree up and you're enjoying yourself. Yeah, I'm like an action film. I'm clinging onto the top of the train, avoiding bridges, you know, terrified. And then I get to the station and I start to unwind after about four days. Scott, we will promote. We didn't do this, so I'll say it now and then we'll do it before you, in the bit when we intro you on.

What do these places have in common? Lincoln, Bangor, Alnwick, Huddersfield blackpool norwich prescott warrington hexham north allerton rotherham oxford carlisle cheltenham exeter and great torrington there are all venues that i'm doing my tour show for the final leg great scott's in february 2024 buy a ticket scott is unbelievable live you enjoy it um you've extended it from demand, haven't you? You're smashing it. So well done, Scott. It's been great fun.

Two of those places are the places you were with us. I know. I've piggybacked off your success. I can't help it. I literally have. It was the same night. As soon as I came off stage, I thought, that went well. Let's get a date in.

Yeah, you helped us out with the work in progress gigs for the Parenting Hell live tour. So well done, Scott. You're doing so well. So go and buy a ticket. Thank you, Scott. Thank you for having me. Where can I get a ticket, Scott? scottbennettcomedy.co.uk forward slash live.

All right. I'm going to go and find a smaller microphone. See you later. And try and sort my life out. Cheers, Scott. Thank you so much. Bye. Bye-bye.