Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP46: THE POST CHRISTMAS CATCH-UP

Episode Date: December 29, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Have a great New Year everyone and we'll see you next week. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to a very christmas parent in hell with jo, can you say Rob Beckett? Bob Beckett.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Bob Beckett. Hey, kid. Can you say Josh? Beckett. Can you say Josh

Bucket Josh Josh Very good We did come Did come Woo That was a good one

I enjoyed that Do you know what The laugh The laugh was really cute Second time Felt creepy There's a very fine line Isn't it

The cutie The cute laugh and the creep laugh who was it that was sent on christmas eve which gives me the feeling that the way to the way to get chosen for this is just to be the last one in the inbox i yes i feel like we record on a monday morning i'd suggest if you sent it in at 5 a on Monday morning, you're on the show. Yeah. Michael, would you say that's a fair representation of how these clips get selected? I would say 80% of the time, yes. If you send your clip in 18 months ago and you're expecting it to get read out, good luck.

This is Joel. Hi Rob, Josh and Michael. This is Joel. A bit hyper after too many party snacks. Joel will be turning two on Boxing Day. Festive. Terrible birthday. Not ideal timing for a birthday.

When he's older, he'll probably get a summer party out of it. Yeah, but no one will care. You just have to... I spoke about this before. It's my birthday on the 2nd of January. Basically, anything from around the 23rd up to about the 10th of January, you might as well just never have a birthday.

And there's nothing you can do to make it better. Just use that pain to drive you to the top of comedy. Channel that into stand-up. When your mum's driving out at 9pm on New Year's Day, hoping Sainsbury's Chisellers is open to buy you an electric whisk for your 13th. That's when you know it's your birthday. Right, where was I? Oh, yeah, so it's birthday.

We struggled quite a lot when Joel was younger. The podcast, I like this description, laughs, chaos and community massively helped us find our feet. We still don't know what we're doing, but enjoying working out. Wishing you a sexy and reliable 2024 matt and anisha london oh matt and anisha matt sounded a bit welsh i don't know if he's from wales originally never know we will never know emailing matt we'll never find the email uh michael that'll go emailing 9am next monday emailing but

that's how i got my first gig up the creek was i was the i emailed at the end of the edinburgh fringe and i was the first one at the top of the inbox and they were running late and they just rung me up oh those were the days rob those were the days um josh we are recording this at 9 00 a.m 27th of december hot off the back of christmas um I feel quite like edgy. It's quite overwhelming Christmas. And before we start, I think it's great and I had a fun time. However, I find Christmas quite hard and I don't really know why. I love all the kids and all the stuff with the kids,

but then when it goes, I find it quite depressing at points. And I don't know why, Josh. And I find it quite hard and big up to anyone out there that's maybe a single parent that don't have their kids this year, because I imagine that's brutal. Well, why don't we start with your Christmas? Because I'd say I had crashing highs and crashing lows. I just think you want it to be so good,

and everyone on Instagram looks like it's amazing. And they have these photos of this big family of like 30 people on a dinner table. And they're all smiling. I was like, do they like each other or are they pretending for this photo? There's too many people there having a good time. Well, what I would say, Rob, is I'm on various WhatsApp groups. But there was one WhatsApp group I'm in that was discussing Christmas. Yeah.

And what I could glean from it was that people with kids were really looking forward to it. Yes. I love that. Anything to do with the kids. It's fucking... Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, I love it. Dinner, I find hard work.

We will come to it. I keep saying we'll come to it. Maybe we should just talk about it but um i'd say the period between wake up and we'll come to what time i woke up the period between wake up and uh the end of the present giving i'd say is the best bit of life. Yep. Wake up to like coffee, presents, There's no better with your kids. That is not just the best bit of life at the moment. I'd say when I die,

if they said, could you relive any bits of your life? I'd say Christmas morning with young kids is fucking incredible. My only issue is because it's so early i'm not really conscious yeah i'm half awake because it's happening do you know what i mean but you what time did you get up talk us through the way right well do you want me to talk you through my christmas yeah talk me through your christmas okay so why don't you do christmas eve and then i'll do my christmas eve

then you do your christmas and we'll work through it like that should we do that yeah okay okay Christmas Eve this is like when I listen to a boxing podcast they they talk about fights that have happened and then they score it round by round and one of them goes well I gave that round 10-8 and then the other part so it's a bit like you're gonna go yeah we got this I got up and it's quite nice because yeah or that's it's like or like a film where you're watching two narratives going on at the same time. Okay, so Christmas Eve was pretty uneventful, I'd say. Sure. So I was still rapping.

I still had to make my lasagna. It was just busy. I had to go. I got sent on a car trip that took in seven different shop pickups oh what what were you what so what because they didn't have it or you had to go to seven places had to go seven places that is a horror that's like goodfellas you know when he's getting tracked by police do you know what though i liked it. Magic Christmas on the fucking radio.

What did you have to go and get? I had to go and get... So I had to pick up some stuff for a present for Rose from my friend. Yep. And then I had to go and get some chicken from a butcher's. Right. I had to go and get a...

Because my daughter doesn't like turkey, so we did chicken for her fair enough then i had to go and get um uh a jumper or something that rosa bought her sister from a shop oh sure yeah and then i had to get uh no from like the shop where she'd got it put aside oh okay that's okay from a news agent's hi i'm here to pick up the parcel yeah yeah what oh god it'll be over there. 3,000 parcels. Okay, now I'll just work in the sorting office.

How about you fucking stack them in alphabetic order? You know this is going to happen. They're here to be collected. And then I had to go and pick up some very specific white bread for a bread sauce for my mother-in-law's bread sauce. Okay, what kind of bread are we talking? Because I'm, well, not sourdough, which fucking hell in East London is tough to find.

Is it just wall-to-wall sourdough? It's wall-to-wall. Well, it can't be sliced, and it had to be white sandwich-like. So if your kid has a sandwich, do you just go... Yeah, so you can get white sliced or brown sliced. No, but not sourdough. No, no, no, no, no, no. you can get white you can get white sliced or brown sliced no but no not sourdough

but that no no no you can get normal white you cannot get normal king's meal or whatever right okay so is that what we needed our kids can't get through sourdough what do my kids have they have um they have bagels in the morning sure um they're not big bread eaters but were they too they're not big on their bread eaters but were they to they're not big on their bread or toast but were they to it's white sliced let's be honest you can't give it a king salad

I don't want those little milky teeth no no exactly so what we needed was a white sandwich loaf which is like fucking gold ended up going to Tesco extra on Bethnal Green Road and then I had to go

and you're like this and get the whole family worming tablets. Oh, lovely bit of thread needle itchy arses all around for Christmas Eve. Well,

my daughter potentially had worms the whole family has to take the worming tablets. and you have to well, it's like a little drink like banana drink.

I bought both. I bought the tablets and the drink because I was like I'm not going back on Christmas Eve to get the other one if one of the children reject one i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna pay the extra 15 quid because at this stage in the game i'd rather have too much worming stuff yeah too little you what you don't want to be is all sat around and say well richie arcy's going i should have just spent should have spent why didn't i get the banana

stuff as well as the tablets I didn't know there were tablets if only I had a banana and it worked out because my son wanted the banana stuff and my daughter wanted a tablet and clean arses all round exactly so then the curse of Christmas

started to strike Rob yep I was putting I was making my making my lasagna. My dog's making a noise. Can you hear that? No.

No. Good. Okay. Making my lasagna, uh, and I cut my thumb open on, uh, on the tin as I was, as I was pushing a tin into the recycling. Oh. Down the lid. Oh.

It's dangerous game, isn't it? Looking after the planet and then 30 minutes later my son dropped a glass do you think it's the world telling you not to make lasagna for christmas dinner sometimes you gotta look at this i'd say the way my body feels today is the world telling me not to make lasagna for christmas dinner i'm fucking over christ Christmas food right this is a thing Rob when I was young on like boxing day my dad would make himself a healthy meal

because he'd be like I can't deal with this anymore I need some vegetables and I'd think this is for effect I don't buy this pathetic and now I don't want to ever eat a chocolate again rob i i can't boxing day the leftovers on boxing day i was like i don't want any of this

shit i just want some fucking broccoli i feel fucking shit i don't want chocolate. I don't want cheese. I don't want a fucking, another crisp dipped in something. I could do 48 hours, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day. That is my max for Christmas food. I'm done with it. Well, we went, we went, we didn't go hardcore on Christmas Eve. So I was still up for the food box. Boxing Day Leftovers was my favourite. I cooked the dinner and on Christmas Day,

by the time I've done it, it takes ages. I sit down, I'm like, fuck you. I'm so angry at the plate. But everyone else is loving it. I'm like,

oh, fuck off. Do you know the problem with Christmas dinner? I don't know. I was trying to think of, apart from sledging, right? Yeah.

Bear with me. Yeah. Cricket or snow. Snow. Yeah. I can't. Cricket or snow. Snow. I can't think of anything where the amount of time to prepare is so different compared to the amount of time to enjoy. Yes, I agree. Like Christmas dinner is growing 50...

I don't understand why you're talking about sledging. Because you used to have to walk up a massive hill and it would take 20 minutes and then you're down in 30 i lived on a hill so it was fine right right so you'd still have to walk back for the second time you just stay down there i'll just stay down there until the snow melted but it's like the christmas dinner and then barely the people that make it, which wasn't me this year, thank God, they've barely sat down and it's done. And you're like, you've dedicated almost your whole Christmas day to this.

That's what I love about my Christmas, but I'm bored of cooking now because you have to spend too long Christmas day. And then I'm dressed like a slob because I'm wearing like just a T-shirt and shorts because I'm getting food all over me and stuff like that. Yeah. But anyway, we've jumped we've jumped we're Christmas Eve we're Christmas Eve we're Christmas Eve

you're doing the shops my son drops a glass yeah so I've already cut my thumb open my son drops a glass yep yeah we clean all that up

and then another bowl breaks I'm like this is I don't know what's going on here but there's panic don't make lasagna also you want vegetables

you've just had a fucking veggie lasagna how is that too much you were like oh I need a healthy meal because a veggie lasagna isn't a healthy meal is it it's got vegetables in no but I just want something that doesn't contain cheese or milk or

I just do you know what I want Rob what do you want a bowl of porridge no What do you want? A bowl of porridge? No, I don't want a fucking bowl of porridge. It's too heavy. No, I don't. I want some fruit and yoghurt. Like your first meal after an operation.

Yeah, I want... Do you know what? Just a nice vegetable and tofu stir-fry. Is that too much to ask do you know what a problem with vegetarians is just fuck the tofu off just have veg I know it's a bit of a cliched old hacky thing

but stop adding just have veg veg is fine vegetarians especially in Asia just have veggie curry they don't start going oh do you know what we need a weird sponge let's have a weird sponge that tastes a bit like salt

just to bulk it out just have a fucking egg see that board about protein have a protein shake or eat a board egg there's my you can't really get a feel for it actually that's my wrapping from Christmas Eve

so it was all done we went to we went to the church crib service for a bit of festivity that was great i fucking love what's that mean festive it's like like they do they do the nativity story for the kids and then you just sing some fucking carols i never went i'm not religious i didn't go to church as a kid, so I get a real festivity off it. There's no hanging over like you've got to be religious. I've got none of the baggage. They're chucking around a donation plate. Yeah, I donated.

It was going to... It's not going to the church, Rob. It was going to people affected by the Gaza conflict. Oh, right. I thought it was normally for a church roof. No. Is that an old cliche? Because also, as well,

I look at churches, they seem in good nick. I've never seen a church going, oh, that needs a spruce up. I wonder what that'll get at auction. They all look banging,

to be fair. So Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve was successful. Hmm. We had, Rose got this tradition. Bedtime was... And Rose's tradition,

what's Rose's tradition as well? Having a Chinese the night before. Okay. Chinese food. Yeah, I sort of... You're just like, why are we... But we do it. And...

No wonder you were sick of every food. You've had to be having a Chinese the night before. You're like, is this what I need? But Christmas Eve was generally a success. Oh, good. Yeah. Oh, that's good. And did the kids go to bed all right?

Yeah, they wanted to go to bed from the moment they woke up. And they were so excited. And we put the stockings out. And we put the brandy and the mince pie and the carrots out and absolutely loved it loved it yeah so i've i've i like the christmas eve i find my children actually unbearable right because they're too excited josh it's like yeah they are a bit edgy aren't they i will give them that maybe i've forgotten that already it's quite a stressful start because i had to go and pick up the christmas food from mark spencer's at 10 a.m i got to the shop at 9 a.m thinking i can get a few other bits and

then i'm early for my pickup slot however i forgot it was sunday because as far as i'm was concerned it was christmas eve but what's sunday got to do with the price of fucking fish because of the store opening hours oh for fuck's sake so i get there at nine right and also lou goes lou went for a walk with her family. And the kids were supposed to go. Then my oldest went, oh, I want to come with you to get the food, Dad. Which is sort of helpful, but not. So it's like, oh, can I scan it?

And you're on the self-scanner. And there's like eight people staring at you as a child goes, where's the barcode? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, but I thought actually it's a bit of a touch. Because I can get in the parent and baby parking space even though she's eight because she's in a car i think if you've got a car if your kid's in a car seat you can get away with it yeah it turned up there was loads of people there was loads of spaces no one was there because all the shops were shut for an hour oh no

so i get there get a space immediately right at the front which is good but they've changed it now it isn't you know it used to be the like the mum and a smaller child on the parking space. Now they just put a push chair. Oh, because really it's bad. You don't qualify for that. You don't qualify. Anyway,

loads of just sort of scummy Southeast Londoners were pulling up in parent and baby in their role, their Range Rovers without any kids. Anyway, but I didn't want to say anything because mine was definitely too old. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I didn't have a leg to stand on so then we're in a car park for an hour

and they're already queuing at Munster Spaces is Costa open they're queuing they're queuing to get in oh so they've made the same mistake because they're not doing like they're not like

people waiting for Tiger Tim Henneman at Wimbledon so then I queue so then I say I'm not queuing it's cold and shit we ain't got jumper coats

we just had jumpers hit Costa have a fucking hot chocolate, enjoy yourselves. Exactly. So anyway, it got to like 10 to 10, they start letting people in for browsing. What did you do? Just sit in the car?

Sit in the car. And then we got in a queue. But then they let in a certain amount of people, then it was one in, one out. What? Like a nightclub? It was like a nightclub. How busy was it?

Mate, it was rammed. It's a fairly small one. So what I did was I went and got the food pickup, which they give out in the clothes section that you could get in. Yeah. So I went and got that food. And I got it. Then they all went to photos, which is fair enough.

It's Christmas Eve. I had photos of all the people. Again, the people in the queue are getting slightly annoyed that they're waiting for their Christmas pickup on Christmas Eve. And I'm having photos of everyone serving. slightly annoyed that they're waiting for their christmas pickup on christmas eve and i'm having photos of everyone serving and then i was like oh yeah a bit of a nightmare and then i went there went oh we'll do photos let's do it around the back and anyway so they did because i was like i didn't want to be in the queue

you need your phone your phone is it charging? Yes. We'll talk about the phone. They've got phones, but not phones. That's a new turn of events. Can I quickly have it just to show Josh what it looks like? Right, so they've got these things. They're called like Kiddy Connect. Father Christmas brought them. A VTech thing.

And it's like, you can only work this on Wi-Fi and Lou's set up a thing so that they can send messages to me on my phone that goes to an app and to lou and to like their nan and granddad but they haven't got a number the only way you can communicate is if you email lou and lou approves it and then send you a authorization code that only works with your email yeah but it which is good because it's secure but i have been on them 24 7 to the point when they run out anyway um what i was talking about oh yeah so christmas so they went around to go around the back to have a photo and whether it is around the back is

basically the magic door that connects the clothes to the food what do you mean so basically the two shops are next to each other but if you go in the food shop only the employees can get around the back to the clothes shop oh they're separate shops the separate shops so they bought the unit next to but they've knocked the door through so there's one little door that's only for staff but i'm in the doorway oh and i just go i have some photos yeah whatever i know i'm turning on it like yeah was like, oh, we just need a couple of bits. Any chance that we could? And I was like, I'll call that the TV tax rebate. So I slid it round the back.

Anyway, so we got there, and we got all the food we needed, got back, and then we had a lovely Christmas Eve. They went for a dog walk. We come back, did a bit of food, had some lunch, and then went to see Willy Wonka at the Everyman Cinema. They're amazing, those cinema. Yeah, they're good, aren't they? um like a sofa so we went and saw willie wonka which is an amazing film so we went and saw that that was really good and then came home and then we did all the christmas they were just like feral with excitement the kids yeah eventually got them bathed did all the santa claus stuff yada yada yada but so the difficulty for me was lou's present right lou

has been has been banging on about missing being a kid and the nostalgia of christmas and have it feeling the stocking at the end of her bed from a kid and she doesn't have that anymore so i said to lou's mum can you get give me the stocking you had as a kid i'm gonna oh here we go at the bottom of her bed here we fucking go here we go bit of thought yeah anyway so she gives me this stocking about three weeks ago anyway on christmas eve they come to the cinema as well she goes rob i've given you the wrong stocking i gave you lucista's stocking i'm like um and uh anyway so she gave me the right one so then i've got like a stocking on me at the cinema so i'm going to hide that so i'll go back to the car and hide that so she gives me the stocking right so i've now lose a light sleeper and goes to bed after me so this

is a very difficult way to deploy it. So anyway, so I hide it upstairs in the bedroom in a bag near my bed. We go to bed. She's not going to sleep right there. Anyway, I fall asleep. Luckily, the kids come up. The youngest tries to wake us up at 2.30 a.m. for Father Christmas. And we said, it's too early.

Go to bed. But luckily, it woke me up, and I haven't deployed the, the stocking for Lou. And then, as I'm trying to do it, she's like, what are you doing? Why are you getting up?

What are you doing? I'm like, oh, nothing, just getting some shorts, I'm cold, right, because I'm,

I'm not like. Yeah, that is one of the worst cover stories I've ever heard. It all starts well though, it's Christmas Eve, mate, I'm creeping about, just fucking acknowledge something might be going on.

exactly, that's, that's, I've been making a present for Rose all week. Yeah just if you amount of weird behavior i've been doing but she can't comment on it if you weirdly just go into a room and lock the door you're not some sort you're not hiding a dark secret you're probably trying to wrap a banjo having an affair on december the 23rd with yourself in the office yeah and box yeah shagging sorry i'm just shagging load of cardboard boxes actually so she keeps going what are you doing by being weird so anyway i'm like nothing eventually i get the stocking but like i have to do it in movement

so at one point i was laying with this stocking on my on my chest and then eventually i pretend to roll over and then i move it put it on a the bottom of her feet, like the bottom of the bed near her feet so she can feel it, because that's the sensation. She was like feeling it on your feet, hearing the crinkling noise like that. And then she goes, get your leg off me, and boots her own stocking. She's like, why is your leg so heavy?

Why is your leg so heavy? It's like sleeping with Alex Brooker. Anyway, so that was our Christmas Eve. I can't think of anything else that happened. Well, should I start with my Christmas Day then? If I'd known you were up. What time did you get up? Daughter runs in.

Yeah. With stocking. Okay, that's a different level, isn't it? With the stocking. He's been, he's been. Yeah. We look at the clock, 2.15. She thinks it's morning.

You can't. Anything after 4.30, in a way, 2.15's good, because you absolutely cannot get up then. Exactly, there's no negotiation there. After 4.30, you're in trouble. I'm like, I'll take you back to bed. I'll lie there until you go to sleep, because I'm like, there's no way. Yeah, exactly. There's no negotiation there. After 4.30, you're in trouble. I'm like, I'll take you back to bed. I'll lie there until you go to sleep, because I'm like, there's no way.

Yeah, she's too excited. I'll just lie next to her. She's got a bed. It's as hard as a fucking prison bed. Why? Yeah, but you said that as if she's bought it. No, I know. It's our fault.

Oh, OK. Rose bought the same type of mattress when we went from a cot to a bed. Right. Same brand or whatever. And it's so hard. Because you don't sleep in it. We bought them some cheap mattresses. I sat on it once.

I was like, this is a piece of shit, this mattress. Yeah. This is awful. But she doesn't seem to care. And she finds our bed too kind of hot and squidgy. So you're like, well, fine. What are you doing in there after getting to her bed i'm like she'll be asleep in five minutes here kind of put my arm around her

let her go to sleep she drifts off i think yeah take my arm off her head shoots straight round 10 minutes in two hours i was no she was awake for two hours she was awake for two hours. No! She was awake for two hours. She was awake for two hours, Rob. 2.15 to 4.15. On this hard bed. So how are you? Are you laying fully down? Her pillows are... I'm kind of...

I suppose what you'd describe as spooning her. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And her pillows are... Christmas tradition now? Christmas tradition. Chinese takeaway?

Quick spoon for 12? Do you remember when I got up at 3am to watch the Peter Sutcliffe documentary because I had such a bad cough? No, I don't. I've never had such a bad... I've never had a good sleep before Christmas Day. I don't know.

So... It was so painful because her pillows are paper thin. Yeah. Because she's small. You're on your side. I'm on my side. So I had to use one of her husky teddies she got from Lapland.

Right. As a pillow. I'm drifting in and out of sleep for two hours. Obviously, obviously, it's not a good enough pillow. My neck's gone. Oh, no, no. And now you're like, my neck's gone.

The fucking stiff neck. The fucking stiff neck's gone. Yeah. Heartbreaking. And then what time did she get up once? So, 4.15, I left her

to go back down to my bed and she gets up at 6.30. No. down to my bed and she gets up at 6 30 okay up we go ready up we go ready for the day yeah now bear in mind this is probably the first christmas day i've ever gone into without a hangover so i still felt fucking incredible yeah of course yeah not, yeah. Not first ever. How was Christmas not drinking? Because I find I drink more because I get quite anxious when lots of people come round and when I'm cooking, you're balancing.

I had an argument with my dad within the first five minutes of his arrival. Well, I say the only issue was about midday, I got hit by a wall of tiredness that then would normally be when I'd deploy drinking to get through it. Yeah. But once I'd had a coffee at that point

and got through that, then you're on fucking easy street. It was the best... I know this is what people want to hear. It's the best Christmas day I've ever had. Oh, really? Yeah. You were friends as well, weren't you?

So we... So you weren't cooking either, which is the hell of it. No as well weren't you so we won't cook in either which is the hell we got up we did the stockings went downstairs had breakfast you know i said i broke the uh broke the glass uh yeah we did have a weird cursed christmas i i've still got a bit of glass in my foot still can't get it out out. Okay, from when you said... I looked, I was like, Rose, look, I think there's a bit of glass in my foot. I lifted my foot up and it was, there's like blood all over my heel that I hadn't seen.

That's still there. I still can't really walk on it. I don't really know what to do about it. But I was like, I'm not going to fucking hang out. A hot, soapy, salt bath and it should reject it. Yeah. When am I doing that?

Something to look forward to in the new year. Rose, it's Boxing Day. Just suck the kids out. I'm just going to get a whip out of the old foot bath. But as far as when am I doing that? As a mean kid, I'll start trying to drink it. Yeah, just not happening. Not happening. So I've still got glass in my foot.

Yeah. And then when we're opening our presents, I'm opening the first present for my son. It's got plastic on it. And I pull too hard. Yeah. It rips open. And what he stood next to me,

and my hand, the momentum, what I can only describe as a swift jab to the left eye. To your son? To my son? Like a proper just bang. Because my hand just went, like it just ripped.

That's the first present. Yeah, of course. I just punched him in the face. I love it if he slipped it and jabbed you back i head off the line the contact was like incredible if you if you say you did it to me and was in the pub and you're trying to open something did that how would like what how do you think you would react as an adult if someone did that to you well i'd probably uh cry but you probably your southeast london upbringing would kick in and you beat the shit out of me no i don't i wouldn't do that because we're friends and i'm not no no no but what you do fucking hell mate i think or do you think i

would just push my reaction would be i think it was so quick it was like you would just even a open open palm or close it would be a push back or push in the face. It was close because I was holding onto the thing. So it was a fist. Like a one inch punch. Yeah. And then I brought Rose this glass vase she wanted. She opens it up. She's like, ah, there's a shard of glass.

She's got her hand on glass as well. I don't know what was going on. Everyone was getting injured, left, right and centre. The presents, Josh, are in. So we've got like a lot of Barbies and dolls. I'm like, washing my yoghurt pots out and trying to recycle. The plastic and the elastic bands and the staples to staple a fucking doll onto a bit of paper.

Just put it in a bag. Just put it in a see-through bag with Barbie written on it. Or a paper bag. You do not need this plastic and cardboard. And it's important. You can't recycle it because it's all attached. Yeah. The recycling, Josh.

Oh, I love it, Rob. This is where I thrive. Tell me about how you deal with yours. And I'll tell you, I've got a new tradition now I do as well. I am during the present wrapping. If we're going to start the present wrapping, first thing I do when we start the stocking, I go downstairs, cup of tea for the grown-ups.

Yeah. And I get the recycling bag, and then it begins. And then during the present unwrapping, under the tree, one black bag, one green bag, and as we go,

I'm just sweeping up. I'm just going as we go. And I love it. It feels so satisfying. It's like, I'm just on it. I'm on it. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

And that is one of my most satisfying things of Christmas see I was a bit more like I used to be like that but now I like I let the mess develop

oh and then you do it all at once do it all at once and what I do is I wait until I get empty because normally what you get is you get the wrapping paper

then you get empty cardboard boxes from what stuff's been in so I get all the little boxes lined up then I get all the kids to put the wrapping been in so i get all the little boxes lined up then i get all the kids to put the wrapping paper all paper so it's all goes in one put it in the boxes and then josh i take all those little boxes out to the garden and burn them is that allowed yeah

it's cardboard of course it's just a bonfire i just did a little christmas bonfire josh and then i had it all stacked up so then when it gets dark i'll go out there and do a massive fire oh that is lovely but i'm not plastic no no of course it's the stuff you normally put you just start to start to fire yeah and if i've got any old tires i chuck them on empty helium canisters that is a lovely christmas tradition and i love it so what i did before then was i went to the dump and did a dump run the vibe of the dump the week leading up to christmas is absolutely honestly it was it felt like a band of brothers you know when people have been to war i had a five minute chat of a guy going i I don't mind doing it, Rob. Oh, I love the dump. She just won't break the boxes down.

I say to her, I'll take them, but break them down. Because I can't, if they're still built, I can't get them in the boot, son. And I've shown her, because Lou just throws a full box in a room. Catherine Ryan does it for Bobby. I've seen it on Instagram. Preach. I will deal with all this.

But please help me. Break it seen it on Instagram. Preach. I will deal with all these. Help me. Break it down. It's easy to do. And you can get more in the car, Josh. We have them on top of the fridge. Because that's where we... Because we give out... We do recycling, right?

And so we can do our boxes then. But they've got too much. And we've got a... We've got like a bicycle. It's from the last people who lived here because yeah um i'm not a cyclist we've got like a big thing out the front of our house which is like a metal uh which people put their bikes in to lock up right yeah a bike shed a bike shed i suppose you'd call it a bike garage yeah like you know know, it's about up to your waist or whatever.

Yeah, I think, Josh, I think we all get it. A shed implies a... Yeah, yeah, no, okay, yeah. You've got, like, a plastic box you put bikes in. A metal. A metal, yeah. Yeah, okay, but yeah, we get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's full of cardboard boxes now. Yeah. And my daughter on Boxing Day wanted to ride her bike. And I was like, where's your bike? And she was like in there and I couldn't see it there was so many boxes and I'd lost her bike

within the bike shed well I think it's hard I mean I wouldn't have been able to burn all the cardboard in my old house because it would have been too smoky for the neighbours because we're in the country

now because you're in the middle of the countryside yeah of course mate I have got no cardboard to recycle. Oh, my God.

I've burned it all. But I don't know if that's bad. Is it bad to burn it? Is it better to recycle it? No, I think that's probably better. Is it? Isn't it? Because we'd use...

I'm going to give a word to you. Carcinogenic. No, it's not carcinogenic. I'm not eating it. Butterfly is burning cardboard. Here's a list of items you should not burn in your fireplace this winter. I'm not burning in my fireplace. Outside.

Yeah, so I think you can't use coloured cardboard and stuff like that. Is it okay to burn cardboard? Cardboard boxes are not safe as a fuel source. Yeah, but you're not burning coloured cardboard. I'm not doing it to warm the house, mate. No, there you go. Fine, fine. Done, fine. Okay, right, next.

If you've got a problem with that, let me know. We've got a lot to get through here. Don't let them know. So, Christmas Day. It's incredible. It's brilliant. The drinking, no drinking is totally fine. Then we go to our friend's house.

We take food. Lovely. It's fucking brilliant we get there they're having an absolute stressy shocker over the um over the meal yeah like god it is tough do you know what my son falls asleep on the 10 minute drive over and i say to rose look i think we should give him a bit more sleep here yeah you go in with your mum and our daughter and all the presents and all the stuff. I'll just sit in the car with my son for 20 minutes. And I'll, yeah, I might listen to the last 20 minutes of the top 10 carols

according to Classic FM and see what's number one on my own. And I'd set up one of the best 20 minutes of a Christmas day I've ever had. Do you know what? Sitting in the Christmas car with my son. He's lolling to sleep and I'm listening to O Come All Ye Faithful. At number three, which I thought was low. That is low, isn't it? Alexander Armstrong giving us the rundown.

Still working Christmas day. I'm saying it. Probably not live. Absolutely not. Not the way he schedules packed eggs. He's got nine kids, isn't he? Well, I think you need a bit of time out on your own. That's the thing, isn't it?

There's no time on your own. That's what I've struggled with. Yeah, that's what I've struggled with. I had an argument with my dad within 10 minutes of arrival. Did you? So I was doing all the food. I said, don't bring anything. Nothing to bring.

He whips out something, some food, right nothing to bring he whips out something some food right guess what he whips out a turkey a whole crab a whole what a whole crab a what a crab

well it's Christmas well it's Christmas Christmas crab Christmas crab anyway so they've been at my brother's the day before and they like

I like seafood as well but they like seafood i think they had a leftover crab of course there's a crap so anyway but he doesn't go hi rob we've got a leftover crab that we could have maybe with you guys or if you've already got food can i put it in your fridge so i can take it home because they're going home the next day yeah what he does is just gets a crab out of a plastic bag but like a plastic bag that's like you know the ones you get online shopping they still give you the plastic bags that are like paper thin that you're gonna the water the liquid actually goes through yeah yeah yeah so he gets out of that and he goes look girls and starts trying to chase my girls with it doing the little pincers dripping crab juice everywhere on the side on the

floor i'm like dad you're getting crab everywhere like that and he's like oh and i was like so then i get it off him and i put it and then i double bag it and put it in the fridge and then he then clears up the crab juice but then the the plastic bag he puts on a chair just like a leathery material chair and i can still smell fish so there's a big fish state a bit like a big crab juice oh no did you eat the crab no but i'd already had i already got some seafood for starter that was in the fridge so they took the crab home the next day and then i was like dad and i was like right dad you're not allowed in the kitchen so then i put them in the front room and then i was in the kitchen and i think when you're cooking dinner for like eight nine people

yeah you need a bit of space and i did apologize i did shout him a little bit but he did whip out a crab and wander around my house with it which i don't think's all right really no i wouldn't come around your house get a crab out and chase your children no i'd be annoyed i'd be annoyed it's classic boomer parenting classic boomer parenting and then he sat on the sofa like oh i just thought they'd like it but don't something feel guilty anyway so and then it all calmed down we had a couple of drinks and we had a lovely day but it's just it's just hard work

with family and loads of people and you want dinner to be good and time in and stuff like that not drinking was a real win

because I was I was doing quite a lot of driving I had to drive Rose's mum back and then we not nipped another friend's for Christmas drink I drank too much tea

I'll be honest with you Rob but you've got to you've got to get your kick somewhere haven't you bit of tea belly bit of tea belly um and i had an incredibly nice christmas day it was brilliant and then we got home and then i cleaned um clean the kitchen for an hour on my own just because i wanted a bit of me time you know what that i think because I had a brilliant morning, but it was like with the kids doing presents. That was amazing.

I loved it. Then afternoon was stressful because people are arriving, people are going, you're trying to get all the food in and I was cooking all the food and then you sit down and by the time you've cooked,

you're like, I can't be bothered to eat this. And then my evening was really good. But I think next year, I'm either going to do more prep the day before or work something else out. Or I just, it it's just and then it's a bit hard work but um i'm boxing day rob can i talk to you about boxing day yeah talk to me about boxing day i think it's shit i love boxing day it's my favorite i prefer it's christmas day fucking crap why why

because you're bored of the food but you feel like you have to keep eating it. I like the food, Chris. I prefer, I like it. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I don't want to have another fucking lint ball. Yeah, because you have shitty fucking lasagna. No, no, no, Rob. I mean, just cheese, chocolate.

Yeah, but you don't eat any of the good stuff because you're fucking veggie. I do. That's why. The only thing I don't eat is turkey. What's in your sandwich? What sandwich? Exactly what sandwich. It's the best fucking meal.

The leftover sandwich. You've got nothing to... You can't put a bit of your shit lasagna in your sandwich. I don't want more carbs. Well, no, but it's because you've got nothing to put in it. It's all carbs. What? Yeah, I'm done with it.

I'm done with all food that is... No, but you're not having the stuff here. Rob, do you know what I want? I want want an apple i want an apple and some fucking apple i'm gonna go and have an apple after this i'd be sick of food if i was around your house eating your shit i'm bored of christmas food yeah yes no you're not you're bored of your version of christmas food if you actually had christmas food to be fucking loving it i'm bored of your version of Christmas food. If you actually had Christmas food, you'd be fucking loving it. I'm bored of chocolate, Rob. There's nothing wrong with chocolate. Josh, you're doing...

All you've got is chocolate. You're doing Christmas without booze or meat. That's hard. I don't... Boxing Day was hard. Boxing Day was... I'll tell you why Boxing Day was hard. Why?

And you're the Chinese. I know. It's just a shit version of Christmas boxing. No, it's better. The pressure's off. Can I tell you why? I like the pressure. The pressure. I thrive. It's just a shit version of Christmas boxing. No, it's better. The pressure's off. I like the pressure. I thrive under the pressure. The pressure's like, yes, because you weren't cooking.

You were trying someone else's house. Do you know what it is it reminds me of? In the summer, when I first stopped drinking, I was like, I went to Glastonbury and I went to Blur and I was like, I'm a piece of piss this, I cannot drink, I'm having the best time ever.

And then when we went on holiday with our mates and nothing was happening, I was like, this is when it's tough for me. When nothing's happening. When you're bored. When everyone else,

when I'm bored, fucking Boxing Day, just kids not getting as good a presence as they got on Christmas Day. Are you throwing shade on there? No, what I mean is, like, they get loads of presents on Christmas Day, and then on Boxing Day, it's just, like, a few extra presents,

but it doesn't quite scratch the itch of Christmas Day. And also, Christmas Day morning's so far away. Couldn't be further. Yeah, and my daughter got this. The football, though. The football's on all day yeah but i'm not into football that much rob i had amazon prime on all day from midday i watched football i watched it was on first it was i've watched not in the forest newcastle i don't care

about united what are you doing liverpool then i watched man united oh it was great I sat there oh it was brilliant but I just by Boxing Day I'm like I need some time on my own yes and people kept coming round

the dog I took the dog for a walk Boxing Day morning and it was bliss I went to the park with my two kids on Boxing Day morning because Rose was cooking

and I was like I'll take them out of the house yeah yeah you might remember last Christmas I did a lot of park but this christmas i was like you don't need to because the kids are older but i was like i'll take them to the park this was how the park went rob walked out the house my son decides he wants a scooter and then he suggests my daughter gets the bike we then have to go to find the bike under the cardboard in the bike shed.

Yeah. Yeah. I have to find the helmet. We have to get out of the house. It takes another 20 minutes to get out of the house. Yeah. I'm like, do you know what? I'm going to nip into the cafe to get a tea

that I'll drink, probably sat on a bench watching them play in the park. This is going to be lovely. Lovely. That is a lovely little boxing day. Yeah. Obviously, it's a huge queue because all the cafes are closed except one go in get to the front they both want an apple juice do you do cartons of apple juice no we do fresh apple juice by this point they want apple juice it's too late

yep she starts feeding fucking granny smiths into a presser like what you know when you're watching someone do i'm about 20 apple you're just like fuck this is mental five quid for this apple juice that i'm splitting between two glasses five quid they won't like it either the queue fucking livid that i'm stood here holding people up pressing apples obviously it's foamy obviously they don't like it so i'm already annoyed so that's another 20 minutes get to the park we play for 10 minutes they both want to play on separate things because they're four years in difference in age then my daughter's like i'm thirsty i want some water we've. We've all got to leave the park now to go to the shop. Because there's no water here.

So I take both of them to the shop. I promise my son that to go to the shop, we'll go to the ducks because he wants to go to the ducks. So we buy water and some white sliced bread to feed to the ducks. Yeah. We buy water and some bread to feed to the ducks. I don't know if that's the wrong thing. That's what I've been told.

Mate, if you've given... The way I look at it is, the ducks have got to take some responsibility for themselves. I think... That's what I've seen. Other people feeding the ducks, that's why I feed the ducks. I look at it as evolution. Darwin.

We've done it before, they're all still there. The intelligent ones that go, you know what, this bread bloats me. This isn't good for me. We've done it before, they're all still there. The intelligent ones that go, do you know what, this bread bloats me. This isn't good for me. We've done it before and they're all still there. Also, ducks float. If anything,

being bloated helps. Don't it? But don't, because I don't want to get cancelled with this, guys. No, no. Please be, do you know what someone said to me?

He went, they're like a little bit of cooked bacon broken up. I bet they fucking do. I'd like that as well. I can hear my son screaming at the moment. So anyway, we go. I'm like, the deal is we'll go and get the water

and then we'll go and feed the ducks. My daughter doesn't want to feed the ducks. So I go, look, after we feed the ducks, we'll go back to the park because we haven't had any park time. So we go all the way to feed the ducks. We feed the ducks. My daughter's like, right, now we go back to the park feed the ducks we feed the ducks my daughter's like right

now we go back to the park it's a deal that's fair my son doesn't want to go back to the park he's two we go back to the park he's crying he wants to go home there is no point when both of them are having a good time on this park trip we do the park he's crying eventually my daughter is very she's good about it she's like let's go home we go home we get a magazine he says I don't want a magazine we get there

obviously he wants a magazine fair enough we get the magazines we get home four minutes before people are due to arrive we've been out for over two hours

that whole process took oh Josh this is films like and then people just people coming we had three sets of people coming all of them really nice wanted to see all of them i just got in i was like i don't want to be around anyone yes this is because normally the way i deal with the fact i don't want to be around anyone is drinking and i'm not doing that so now i'm pure, I just want to be alone with my book

about Elton John and Graham Taylor's friendship. Do you know what? I think that's how a lot of people feel. And I don't drink that much anymore, but I've drunk loads over Christmas because I've realised it is a coping mechanism to calm down a bit. And so when it's going brilliantly,

it's fucking great not drinking. It's so good. But you realise that that's your outlet well well done for not cracking and also i'm very excited and it feels like a good way to end this episode because you it's like your life as a parent has just moved on to a new sort of almost like that there was the old testament of the bible and the new testament because what you're going into now you've had two children where you've got one child that can make decisions and wants things because she's older and then you had

a baby that came with and basically we'll carry him while you do whatever you want to do but now you're in negotiations this is my life and this is what a lot of people where everything you do one wants a song in the car it's my turn it's not my turn it was her turn last time

I want to sit there no because she did that I want an ice cream but she had that at lunch and you are entering negotiations and it's hard it's hard

and it feels like you're going to go and find out more about that on next week's parenting it feels like you're going to go and find out more about that on next week's parenting and it feels like the end of a thriller or podcast

what you explained there about a very difficult two hours you had that is going to be all day every day for the next ten years that isn't a mad little two hour

trip to the park where they just decided that day to have differing opinions or wanting different things and god wasn't that hard work when that day they decided to want to do completely different things yeah that is the rest of that is the next 10 to 15 years yeah okay well i'll look forward to that rob merry christmas uh christmas day best ever boxing day most overrated day of

the year yeah just i'd had too much i just i just wanted to be in a dark room with Graham Taylor and Elton John. Oh, hello. Yeah. New year, new me. New year, new me. Also, I should say, do you remember when we lost the cleaner took the box? Oh, yes. So for Rose's present, I got loads of her friends.

It was a box full of all her memories that got thrown out by accident. I got loads of her friends to send photos, keepsakes and letters. And then I put them in a box. You've recreated the box? Her words, this is better than the original box. Yes, Josh! Absolutely, absolutely best bit of husbanding I've ever done. And then Michael included something in the box,

and along with it, he included a present for me, which is a stiff-neck T-shirt. Oh, lovely stuff. So there's my stiff-neck T-shirt. Thank you for that, Michael. There we go. So, look, Josh, for what was a terrible thing, actually, like we say, we don't know enough about what's going to happen,

if it's good news or bad news. Rose quoted you on that. She said, it's like Rob says. Exactly. We don't know enough about the future to know if the news is good news or bad news. It's just news. Exactly. There we go.

Exactly. Well, I'm glad that's a brilliant present idea, Josh. Well done. But really, what you don't want is never get a job giving cancer diagnoses Rob because people don't want to hear that I agree but it doesn't make it

not the truth okay but yeah I don't I think that would be a weird career change to get into that any medical profession where they basically have bad news and I go in. Hello, guys. You all right?

Because also as well, if everyone knows that I do that, everyone's going to panic if they see me in a hospital. Yeah. Like the person, you know the person whose job is to sack people,

George Clooney in Up in the Air, when his job is to go into companies and sack people. Hello. Guys, got a bit of news. But as we know, it's not always good or bad. It's just news.

It's just news. Three weeks. All right. Right. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Have a lovely New Year. Are we doing a small business shout out?

I don't think we do. How about we do this? A little Christmas message from me and you, Josh. Oh, yeah, yeah. To say, don't put too much pressure on yourself as parents or people, if you've got kids or not. Don't get too down. If you're not with your kids this year, it'll pass.

It's just a moment in time. And then next week is just another Wednesday when the bins have got to go out. So don't beat yourself up. It's just a day or a couple of days in the year. And I'm sure you did a brilliant job don't beat yourself up because that's what we all do isn't it is this okay is this good enough did it was it all right with the presents right have i ever spent have i not spent enough oh my god are my kids gonna just take yourself out your brain and do something whether it's reading a book about

elton john and graham whoever taylor or if it's going for a walk with a dog taylor former england manager graham taylor they were because Elton John owned Watford, right? Yeah, I know, but what I'm trying to say is I don't think that book specifically. Graham Taylor was the manager. Yeah, but I don't think that book specifically. And they had this strange friendship because they came from totally different worlds. Yeah, but that's your, yeah. Matt, I could tell you more about it.

Yeah, no, I don't think you need to. But I haven't fucking read it. I'm just, but whatever is your Elton John and Graham Taylor moment, seek it out and have a bit of time for yourself because you can't be a good partner, parent, husband, wife, mum, dad, or whatever if you're not prioritising yourself. So after listening to this, take half an hour for yourself and calm down.

It's all going to be okay. Right, Merry Christmas. And we'll be chatting probably New Year, won't we? Yeah, I'm sure we've got it in the diary. Yeah, all right be okay. Right. Merry Christmas. And we'll be chatting probably New Year, won't we? Yeah. I'm sure we've got it in the diary. Yeah. All right. Bye.

Bye.