Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP5: Normal? Or not normal?

Episode Date: August 8, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing whoa what are you listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 ford escape with available alexa in, so you can change the music.

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late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Hello, you're listening to Parents in Hell with... G'day, mate. How you doing? Josh. Welcome. Rob Beckett. There we go.

G'day, mate. Go and do an Aussie accent, Josh. You can do it, can't you? G'day, mate. Yeah, that's alright. I've worked with one long enough. Can you say anything else? G'day and welcome and do an Aussie accent Josh You can do it can't you G'day mate Yeah it's out right Yeah I've worked with one long enough Can you say anything else G'day and welcome to the last leg I'm Adam Hills

Keep talking Keep talking This week we'll be Discussing That's not how he starts the show is it Oh no he says something like It'd be a topical thing The show that likes to

This is a timeless episode But say it was a few weeks ago He'd say like G'day and welcome toical thing, the show that likes to... This is a timeless episode, but say it was a few weeks ago. He'd say, like, G'day and welcome to The Last Leg, the show that... Are you OK, Josh? I'm having a breakdown. I just wanted you to do an Aussie accent. Now you're talking about the mechanics of The Last Leg's production.

Do you know, Rob, because it's so drilled down. Because you know when you just watch a show, you don't think of, like of the furniture's so the same. Yeah. And there's a bit at the start. It's not that round thing anymore, it's sort of individual chairs, isn't it? Like a hangover from lockdown.

That is a hangover from lockdown. Do you know what happened in lockdown? You know we used to all sit on a long bench and then Hillsley would be across. And then in lockdown, the guests would have to sit on the other side. And suddenly we're like, do you know what?

It's much better when it's not everyone sat in a fucking line. So we learned that from lockdown anyway. Yeah, it's basically a panel show that they don't want to commission, even though they're really funny. Yeah, exactly. So there we go. No one makes panel shows anymore, do they?

No one makes panel shows anymore. We were there at the Golden Age. You snuck it in just the way they sat. Do you know, Rob? Here's something for you, fucking stiff necks at The Guardian. I've spent 10 years doing panel shows. Every year, The Guardian, someone would write an article saying

the panel show's dead. And it wasn't. It is now. The Guardian haven't fucking picked up on it. They haven't noticed. Do you know what, though, Josh? It'll come back around again, you know. We started, actually, on demand. Our one. Oh, yeah. We're doing one in autumn. We are. Do you know what? We're demand our one oh yeah we're doing one in the autumn we are do you know what we're bringing about the fucking panel show it's back we're at the top of our game

i think that's where our best the panel show yeah do you laughing at other people riffing oh just going off on tangents i love doing a panel show it's so much fun i don't want to have to you know sleep in a tent or build a little crate because Alex Horne had an idea three weeks ago. Do you know what I mean? I'm going to sit down, take the piss out of someone off reality TV and enjoy myself. Exactly. I don't want to stand up.

I don't want to get involved. I think I'm not standing up on what the week. Oh, mate. I hated that. People always enjoy it when we talk about our experience on a panel show. Have I ever told you about the Mad Bad Ad Show, Rob? rob i did the run-throughs of that where i had to basically pretend to be mickey flanagan because he was a team captain so people don't know about the run-throughs run-throughs of panel shows you basically meet in like a church hall yeah like where you'd have a

kid's birthday but in central london where you'd have a kid's birthday and then there'll be some tables out and there'll be the main person that hosts it and then four comedians that aren't yet ready to go on panel shows that being paid 50 quid and they'd never get booked on it it's not even like an audition really it's just run through yeah no so it'll be like you who's not got 20 minutes of material and then david williams will be hosting it in the same room yeah so you're like oh my god there's david williams yeah injured tracksuit yeah because it's not a telly thing he's just in a church hall yeah so i did one for david walliams wall of fame when i was very new which is a sky panel show i don't know if you remember it hosted by david

walliams and about famous people yeah and um there was a pillar in the room yeah and they'd set up the tables and my table was behind the pillar so i was i was unsighted from because you don't even have an audience you just have the production team yeah so there were six people david waller was in the middle and you couldn't even see me because i was behind a pillar how did it go awfully terribly i remember one bit and i can't remember what it was but someone was trying to guess bono i can't remember why it was, but someone was trying to guess Bono. I can't remember why. And the clue was, someone said something like, it's the most famous one of U2.

And I said, oh, it's Adam Clayton, who's the bass player. Right, okay. I didn't know that. And it met, no, but that's the joke. So I wouldn't get that. No, yeah. And it met with total shock. Because also, remember, that's a voice from behind a pillar.

You can't see it. Yeah, a voice from behind a pillar. You can't see it. Yeah. A voice from behind a pillar saying a name that no one had heard of. I didn't laugh or get it. And I'm looking at you, though. No, exactly. Exactly, Rob. I don't think you can fully blame the pillar.

But this is what I remember. And I'm not blaming anyone. But it's ingrained into my head. That moment. Yeah. And Matthew Crosby was my team captain. And he didn't laugh. Understandably.

And then there was a break in filming and he just turned to me and went i did like the adam clayton joke just such a nice man isn't it and the other person yeah so you get 50 quid for this yeah yeah and you do it because it's like a practice for a panel show yeah and the other person on our team so you don't make that mistake again yeah i don't make that mistake again and then um I don't make that mistake again. And then I want to say she's called Imogen Lloyd Webber, but she was maybe his daughter or something like that. Get Andrew Lloyd Webber on.

He did Cats, it says here. Why is that funny? Because wasn't that a panel show joke? Oh, no, it wasn't. See why you laugh now. So obviously we'd all just come into town to do this for 50 quid. And then after, even Lloyd Webber had quite a bad one, as did I. So I'm not casting aspersions.

Is she a comedian? No. What she was there for then? Because they wanted people who could talk about life in celebrity. Right. Okay, sure. So yeah. Afterwards she revealed she'd lived in New York and that she'd flown over especially for this Because she thought it was going to be her big break in television

Oh no, and then she would have still had Churchill for 50 quid And then she was flying back And she'd delayed moving house Because she'd wanted to do this run through for David Walliams' Wall of Fame And I just thought, this is one of the bleakest mornings of my life This puts my Adam Clayton joke in perspective I tell you that for free Adam Clayton must be on a beach somewhere, loving life, and you're there scurrying around

Webber's daughter, slagging off poor old Adam Clayton. We should get Adam Clayton on here. I'd get him on. You weren't having Naomi Campbell at one point. Also as well, you know, Andrew Lloyd Webber's daughter, but you was almost sick on Andrew Lloyd Webber, wasn't you, at a Christmas party once? Yeah, I was, yeah. Which you don't like to talk about, but... No talk about it now I've stopped drinking so I'm totally open about stuff like that I'm not wrestling with those problems anymore but yeah I think I spoke about before I pushed you into the corner so you could be sick into a plant pot yeah you know what it's

amazing that I carried on drinking for six years after that that's the real madness and then as I took you to the toilet you kept on being sick all the way like little cowpats awful so i had to put you in the toilet and yet i didn't think then this isn't for me also i didn't think it was a problem though no that showed you the kind of people i grew up with i know i'm telling you now part of it though rob just to say this is meant to be a lighter episode. It's easy to hide from yourself when you're in our industry. What do you mean?

It's easy to hide. Especially when we're behind a fucking pillar. No wonder you weren't catching producers' eyes. I was throwing up on a pillar. No, it's easy not to realise that you might have quite a weird relationship with alcohol when your whole industry is built around booze. Yes, everyone's drinking. Also, what I love about this podcast is there's probably cockneys listening to this thinking you're behind a massive pillow.

When you say pillow. It's not a thing to have in a church. It's a big, white, fluffy pillow. I could have done with a pillow after that. We could have done with a bucket shuffling around. Anyway, we're here to do some correspondence. Oh, no, we didn't get that person's name from Australia, did we? Sorry.

Sorry. I'm just doing your weird accent. This is my son Jarvis. Great name. Jarvis. Age six. It's one of those names, though, where it makes you think of one person in particular. The butler from Iron Man.

Adam Clayton. Jarvis Cocker. Jarvis Cocker. I'm listening to his audio book at the moment. Jarvis Cocker. Jarvis Cocker. I'm listening to his audiobook at the moment. It's very good. He was very excited to do the intro after overhearing the podcast. I'm a latecomer and have binged three series in a month. Fucking Nora.

Fair play. Jarvis is big brother to her four-year-old twin sisters, Jemima and Amelia. It's been a ride and I'm truly thankful for Good Sleepers. Even more so after listening to some of the apps. We live in Melbourne, Australia. I'm originally from Leeds. Thank you and thank you for the podcast and for the lols, Justine.

Thank you, Justine. G'day. Poor old Amelia. Jarvis, Justine, Jemima and old Amelia at the end. Go for another J, wouldn't you? Yeah, they've run out. They've run out of Js. What's wrong with Josh?

What's wrong with Josh? What's wrong with Josh? What's another girl's name with a J? What was her name? Justine. Justine. Justine, Jarvis, Jemima and Amelia. Oh, Julie, June. June, you can't.

June, June's the kind of name like people like old people's names now. I think June's a lovely name. June's a lovely name. I like it. Anyway. I've got a message brown noise you are you know you said that because you listen to brown noise for like eight hours a night to go oh no from spotify you can change it so this is what this person said it said tell josh

you can click on the three dots on spotify for any playlist like the brown noise one and click on exclude from taste profile this will stop it affecting the automatic playlist like discover weekly or daily mix same thing happened to me with the brown noise and deep sleep playlist from james stacy and loads of other listeners can i also do it when i repeatedly listen to video games by lana del rey why do you listen to that so much it's just a beautiful song rob it's got a depth but you got it warping your i don't want people to know that it's happened oh you listen to that when you're more doingaudlin, don't you? Yeah, it hasn't happened recently.

Oh, so is that your sad song you go to? No, what are my sad songs? That is a good sad song. Video games, video... That one. Video games. You're doing Adam Hills again. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael.

Your podcast has got me through many early morning gym sessions. Before children, I would never have dreamed of going to the gym at 6.30, but now it's the only time I can go. On the topic of grandparents' names, when I was a toddler, I decided to name all my grandparents after the colour that they mainly wore. So this is when she was a toddler. So I had blue grandma and blue granddad on my dad's side and then had green grandma and white hood granddad and i'm joking

really nice really nice sorry i was working out as i read it anyway so she had a blue grandma and blue granddad on my dad's side and green grandma and brown granddad on my mom's side yeah this stuck for the rest of our lives and my three other siblings were forced to use the terms too green grandma recently died at 96 still being called black grandma what's that funeral where black oh black okay sorry that sounded worse than it was yeah well no i just didn't i didn't know what you were doing just said black grandma like a sort of martin lawrence film like the opposite of white chicks um green grandma recently died at 96 still being called green grandma thanks for being sexy and relatable claire's an albans

brown granddad can be called brown bread granddad when he dies that's really sensitive. No. Fine. Can I ask you some questions? Yes. I'll name some people. I want you to tell me what colours they wear generally. Okay.

Yeah? Yeah. Blue. Black. Black. Yeah. Romesh. Do you know what?

Khaki comes to mind. Yeah. Khaki. That's good. Blue, khaki, green kind of colour. Yeah. Me? Blue and white stripes. Yeah. else yeah i'm trying to think of someone that people will be interested in us asking yeah the entertainment

industry works like you sort of if we chat about things people might find entertaining or interesting yeah yeah okay okay yeah sorry yeah anandak uh it's all navy blue. Should we stop this? Yeah, it's rubbish. No, it's good for a bit. I think we just lost our way. It's good for a bit. Yeah. Basically, your wife and the two people you work with. That's what we've gone through.

Okay, here's one. Tom Allen. Tom Allen. Well, he's primarily wearing navy blue in his suits, isn't he? I think of him as grey suits, though. Do you? Yes, I do, actually. Oh, here's a good one acaster or yellow yeah that's

what i was thinking actually it's quite fun this let's do more now yes what is your view on whether we should do more correspondence 100 that's a lovely bird i can hear you're not allowed to say those things these days rob but yeah rose has just got home do you know what i like the most about that you committed yeah because what danger is at the moment is when you do little jokes like that that could be like playful sexist jokes like that obviously it's not no no it isn't but because everyone's a little bit tense that you no one's fully committed to it anymore. And respect that. And it was good and well done. Thanks, mate.

Thanks, mate. Never fucking held down the office for her, was it? And I'm joking. Right, here we go. Liars told at school by kids. Do you want this? Yep. Hi, Rob and Josh.

I have a story about my child from four years ago when he was in year two. My husband picked him up from the after-school club and was shocked to see our son had a huge bite mark with a bruise and deep teeth marks on his wrist. After our son told him his friend did it to him, absolutely livid, my husband marched to the headmistress's office and demanded to speak to her.

Oh, no. She said it was being dealt with and they were trying to find out what happened. I asked my son what had happened and he said a child in a dinner line had bitten his arm and he was sent to the back of the queue for doing wrong and my child, who was a victim of the bite, was sent to the front to get his dinner early worth it i found out who the child was and from the other parents he had done this to about four others on the same day and i did the regrettable thing of sending a text to the mum who was a friend to say

i wasn't happy and he needed to sort it out. Wow. So he's texted the mum about this because other parents had said it had happened to their child. Oh, my word. It's quite intense. This went on for about two weeks with text messages flying around and lots of accusations from children and parents. One night when my child was having a bath, he turned to me and said, Daddy, I did that bite on my arm myself. Oh, my effing gee.

It turns out all the children involved had bitten their own wrists, I did that on my arm myself. Oh my effing gee. It turns out all the children involved had bitten their own wrists, lied and blamed it on the child that was the naughty one. Oh no, that's awful. As I had seen from previous bad behaviour, they could get their dinner early and skip the queue if they had been bitten. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God.

And the accused child who had done wrong would be sent to the back. Oh, my God. Funny story to look back on now. No, not really. No, it's actually awful, I'd say. I'd say those four children are probably going to end up running the country at some point. There's a little story from the Eton dinner queue. That kid's not Eton.

He's been sent to the back. Oh, absolutely. Here we bloody go. He's eaten enough of his own wrist. That the problem with these guys they start eating themselves eventually funny story to look back on now but the time the truth finally came out for my child i wanted to crawl away and hide under a rock never to be seen again by that parent that is grim i wasn't alone though as all the other children finally came clean after i relayed my child's bath confession to the other parents lou Louise from Stafford.

That is awful. Oh, brutal. One of my friends who stood in the dinner queue at school and someone put a crocodile clip on his ear. Oh, that's not very nice. No. And he just stood and took it because the other kid was so big. Oh, well, I saw two awful things in a dinner queue line at my school. Once a kid set fire to a girl's hair with a lighter.

Oh, my word. And the amount of hairspray going down in bromley in the mid-naughties absolutely went up like a rocket and the other thing it was bullying but it was slapstick wise one of the funniest things i've ever seen was this big kid picked up another kid he wasn't the smallest kid but he was he was tall but quite skinny picked him up and dropped him in a bin you know them big school dinner hall bins big black round ones that are sort of yeah quite big he put him in there like bum first and he got trapped because his arms were in and he couldn't get him out and his legs were hanging over and he just was sat there like on a high chair until eventually oh no someone like needed to knock him over and he

fell to his side and managed to wriggle out like a fish awful isn't it oh god kids are awful my kids lied to me the other day yeah because that downstairs toilet is fixed now basically there was it's really boring but they assembled it and there's a bit missing in the system but now they've got a new bit and it replaced it and it stopped leaking anyway i went in the other day there's water on the floor i said oh no it's happened again like that and i wiped out but no but it's in a different spot so i said girls no one's in trouble but were you playing with the toilet and the toilet water

or the flush no one's in trouble because I don't care I just need to know in case it's leaking again or if you've splashed water just let me know no no no

we didn't we didn't absolutely not and then one of them went the flush might have overflowed a bit though on its own yeah yeah

and I was like okay so you definitely did it but then I like wiped it all up it's not leaked since it was definitely them yeah liars lying little shit there's loads of good liars here do you want another lie And I was like, okay, so you definitely did it. But then I like, I put it all up. It's not leaked since. It was definitely them. Yeah, liars.

Lying little shit. There's loads of good lies here. Do you want another lie? Yeah, hit me with a lie. Hi, Rob and Josh. Wanted to tell you about the lie I told at school that still haunts me. Picture the scene. It's 1996.

Gina G fever is sweeping the nation. Yeah, remember it well. Don't need to picture it, mate. Was there. I lived it. What was the Gina G song? Ooh, just a little bit. Anyway, Gina G fever is sweeping the nation, and I, a very chubby little six-year-old,

decides to tell her entire year two class that she is one of Gina G's backing dancers. I honestly thought, but because one of the dancers had brown hair, no one would notice she wasn't actually a little show-off child from Croydon. This went on to the point where I would not go to friends' houses after school on a Tuesday because that was rehearsal at Gina's house. Oh, my God. I would only wear yellow because that's what I wore on top of the pops.

Oh, my God. Then here comes the worst bit. Another girl in my class started telling people she had also got in and would see me at rehearsals. What? So another girl went, yeah, I'm a backing dancer too, and I see her at rehearsals. I was So another girl went, yeah, I'm a backing dancer too, and I see her at rehearsals. I was far too much of a little attention-seeking show

after letting someone else share the limelight, so I told everyone she was lying and how embarrassing it was that she was pretending. I genuinely feel guilty to this day. Bloody hell, this is a dark old episode, this, isn't it? These are fucking... The problem is, awful people were children at some point. No offence, Emily, from Croydon who's email sociopaths were young at some point it happens

that is mad that is amazing i've got another lie from school do you want another go dear robin josh in primary school i was close friends with a compulsive liar yeah she lied all the time to get her way this was between the ages of five to nine some of the heavy hitters in her line repertoire included her uncle was a lion right yeah that is a big lie she had a disease where wait one of us needs to do a lion lying pun there Rob oh yeah um okay well just consider it done do it yourself at home now you can do that one go on she must She must have been lying. Yeah, I'm sure she was. People must have been roaring with laughter when she said that. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. I hope she felt some pride. Her pride. Oh, there we go. Your one was better, actually. Anyway, she also had a disease, she said, where if someone was mean to her, it gave her a heart attack.

Oh, my God. And it was called hammer lions because it felt like someone was hitting you with a hammer while a lion attacked you. Oh, my God. Another one. She had three extra siblings and ten rabbits that we simply could not find when I went to her house. Her parents had rented Zac Efron for a birthday party just to hang out with a load of seven-year-old girls.

High school musical was all the rage at that point. Yeah. Now, although these sound very comical, she delivered them with such conviction that we all believed her that she would shun those who didn't oh my word she also stole lots of my stationery and one of my nintendo ds games but denied it this happened to me really a similar thing the liar at school stole my copy of sensible world of soccer and then just denied it denied it that's the thing of a liar they're good at it yeah additionally i once disagreed with her statement that Frankie and Benny's was the best restaurant in the world

and she didn't speak to me for a week. Amelia in Backenhamshire. Wow. There are people out there that absolutely are nuts, aren't they? I thought you were going to say there are people out there who love Frankie and Benny's. Do you know what? I was quite anti Frankie and Benny's until I had a pizza

there and some chicken wings at the O2 before a gig because it was the only thing open. Do you what top class yeah look it's not a foodie place no but it's not coming up on the acaster and gamble podcast is it i imagine but no but it's simple it gets the job done when you haven't got time to sort of hang around in east london for three hours to get into a specialist place that does an artichoke do you know what i mean yeah which does have its audience good luck to you does have its audience there are people that do that but i ain't got the time mate it's not what you described the other week as normal is it rob no it isn't normal and you know what that is correct what should we play what is normal and what's not normal yes i'll

run you through some things okay yeah oat milk not normal not normal okay no i'm talking about like uk-wide the main population this came from you saying that your tastes were normal yeah okay yeah so oat milk not normal but i'm not against it i'd say that's a bit like oh no no no no no you're not against any of it uh big brother normal the channel 4 news that's a difficult one not normal really i don't think anyone's going to that as their main source are they no okay bbc six music not normal rugby oh that's a difficult do you know what it's normal but it's wrong orange squash normal normal orange juice normal it's something you should treat yourself yeah white toast yeah that is normal sourdough

not normal but better I am flexible I'm not a luddite I'm just telling you the truth but I'm aware

that sourdough is an elite level bit of toast but if you give a kid sourdough with baked beans it's too crusty it's too hard

for them to consume too right knocky not normal mental knocky not normal spaghetti Bit of toast. But if you give a kid sourdough with baked beans, it's too crusty. It's too hard for them to consume. Too, right. Knocky, not normal. Mental. Knocky, not normal. Spaghetti? Normal.

Yeah. That's fine. What about stuffed pasta? Like, what's that called? Tortellini? No, not for me. Just put some salt. Put it on top.

Why do you want it inside? Sourdough pizza? Not normal. Not normal. Not for me. Okay. It's a good game. We'll play more like... Send them in. Send them. Not for me. Okay. It's a good game. We'll play more later.

Send them in. Send them in if you want. Send them in if you want to play normal or not normal. We're more than happy to do normal or not normal. The recent Arctic Monkeys album. Not normal. Not normal. Not normal.

Weird. And I love them. I'd say one of my top three, five bands. But I literally... There we go. We'll play another round of Normal Not Normal next week. Next week. Next week. Cat Trace I like.

Cat Trace is fucking normal. Deal or no deal? That got normal by the end. The first couple of weeks, it weren't normal. That was not normal. And then once I got the grips of it, I was like, oh, I'll get you now. But the first week of that, I was like, this is not normal.

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast only six dollars at a and w's in ontario experience a and w's classic breakfast on now dine in only until 11 a.m oh dear rob josh and michael as a family i don't know what this topic is i'll just read it out as we try and work out why it's going to be funny you're so

loose and back now look at you just freewheeling don't give a shit topic is. I'll just read it out. Try and work out why it's meant to be funny. You're so loose and back now. Look at you, just freewheeling. Don't give a shit. As a family, we went on holiday camping in France and ended the holiday in the south of France. We picked up my sister and her boyfriend who wanted a lift home. Yeah, a lift all the way back to the UK.

We were a family of five and had a five-seater car, so we didn't have space. So my dad said, don't worry, I'll sort it. In my head, I thought he was thinking he might book flights for half the family to fly home but no he made a diy seat for me in the car the seat was two food trays stolen from the campsite positioned in the front between the driver and the passenger seat on top of the handbrake that is mental that is straight through the windscreen. At least the boot, you might stop halfway through the car.

Yeah. He felt bad that there was no seatbelt, so he used bungee cords. Oh my god. Imagine if there was an accident and they all get out of the car and she's strapped down. Well, if they stop and she's on a bungee cord, she might be the only person in an accident who's

the other way. She'll land in Luton about two days later. We drove from the south of France back to Hertfordshire. When we went through the border, I had to hide in the footwell. So I was unsafely sitting on the handbrake and now an illegal transfer into the UK. Those people smuggling. I surprisingly survived the drive home.

Thanks for the laughs. Felicity from Cambridge. Do you want to have a boomer? Yeah. We do talk about Father Christmas. So if you are listening with younger people, you might want to listen later. Here we go.

Hello. In 1984, I was six years old and I'd asked Father Christmas for a BMX. On Christmas Eve, my dad said, ooh, what colour do you reckon the bike will be? And I said, red. He said, I reckon it's going to be blue. And he said, I bet you 50 pence it's blue. I took the bet. Oh, come on now.

On Christmas morning, Father Christmas left me a blue BMX. My dad said, bet to bet, you owe me 50p. Oh my God. Which I happily handed over from my NatWest piggy bank as he'd obviously won the bet fair and square. Fast forward four years, I didn't know what I found more upsetting. Finding out there was no Father Christmas. Or finding out my dad was lying, cheating, robbing bastard.

Anonymous. Oh, that is good. I admire the hustle. Do you want one? Hi, Rob and Josh. Oh, this is a good one for normal or not normal. Butternut squash. Not normal.

Your butternut squash story a while back reminded me of a story about my childhood that i thought i'd share with you when i was about six my parents were avid gardeners i'd grown an enormous marrow the size of a small toddler i picked this marrow and like josh's daughter decided it was my new baby bloody hell this was a while ago wasn't it i wondered what the butternut squash story was i put it in clothes pushed it around in the pram slept with it and even insisted on having its own chair at the dinner table my parents are not happy about this probably worried that their daughter was a complete lunatic luckily they saw an opportunity to get rid the school harvest festival on the morning of the harvest festival they snuck the baby marrow out of its breakfast chair and into the car boot little did they know

that their demon daughter had seen this ploy coming a mile off i took all my pocket money into school and purchased my marrow back proudly bringing it home with me when the nanny collected us my parents got home from work to find me in the marrow sitting watching tv and thought they'd gone mad love the podcast keep up the good work amazing work even sorry connie connie it's nice isn't it i think that's impressive you should respect the hustle how old was she did it say six six buying marrows at six yeah different world back then, wasn't it? Marrow's a shit. It's a fucking rubbish Marrow, isn't it? What is Marrow? It's a big courgette.

What are you doing with a Marrow? You're a veggie. I don't know, really. I just think they've died out, really. No one really eats them anymore. Maybe you'd have it stuffed. Maybe you'd have stuff in it, like rice and shit. Do you know what is a normal now that I don't think used to be a normal?

Courgette. Hummus. Hummus? Is hummus normal? I think hummus is normal. Yeah? Are olives normal? Depends on the type. Just plain black and green ones. But if they start going a bit wacky with it,

not normal. Yeah. Funny breastfeeding fail. Hi, guys. When the listeners were recounting stories of breastfeeding, I felt compelled to tell you about my experience. My husband and I were attending a good friend's wedding, and it was as it was only two months after our son was born we had to bring him with us because i was breastfeeding to fully enjoy the night we had a sitter organized so i could party without alcohol no one's judging you in no and told the girl actually i would if

she said with alcohol fucking loads of it then i still breastfed yeah got hammered did a couple of pills yeah i would i would judge actually to fully enjoy the night, we organised a sitter so I could party without alcohol and told the girl that I would return at 11pm to feed the baby, leaving some expressed milk just in case. I returned at the agreed time to a very proud teenage babysitter telling me that the baby woke early and she'd given him the milk. That's when the troubles began. I went back to the party but couldn't fully get into the swing of things

due to my engorged breasts. And that lasted until about 1.30am. I went to bed, leaving hubby in the bar with whiskey and friends. He later returned to me about 5am with the baby blissfully asleep and me crying into the beautiful bed because I was so full of milk I couldn't move. Oh my God. I knew it was going to be another two hours before the baby would wake up. Oh God. We didn't want to ruin the new 7am waking routine.

Oh, no. I had not brought the expressing pump. If this goes where I think it's going to go, I think it's one of the worst stories I've ever heard. You think we would be wise since this was number three, but we forgot the expressing pump. So my husband did what any good husband would do and offered to help me out.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. You guessed it. I did guess it, yeah. My husband latched on. Oh my fucking Nora. Your relationship's never coming back from that. That's it. It's game over. I nearly choked on the force and volume

of milk to the point where he had to sit up and burp himself. Oh my. So he downed it? He downed it. Oh my. This no this is me oh no i can't deal with this i can't deal with this being listed to save a husband no and i don't i don't want to get up for the breakfast because he was full no oh my word that's full but this remains a very mixed emotional memory Mixed? What do you mean mixed?

Where's the positive? Couldn't you just get it going and then like You know like you do with like a When you're getting your siphoning petrol So you think he should have sucked and spat Rather than sucked and drunk Yes It's two hours

Anyway so this is quite interesting here Josh He's remained anonymous How is that a better option than waking your baby up i'm sorry he must have been absolutely stuffed with a milk i had a big one last night yeah five pints four whiskeys and two breasts of milk oh my god but then she says she remains very mixed emotionally about this we haven't mentioned this to anyone for fear of others responses yeah and my husband doesn't know that i've bared all keep regaling us with hilarious parenting

experiences thanks a lot that is that's i'd say the greatest email we've ever received that is unbelievable oh wow wow wow wow my oh my my oh my that is something else how do you follow that let's do a ghost story i haven't had one of these in a while hi guys love the show and have listened Oh my. My, oh my, that is something else. How do you follow that? Oh, so let's do a ghost story. I've never one of these in a while. Hi guys. Love the show.

And I've listened religiously since day one. Every Sunday, 11 a.m. Uh, just listen to episode series six, episode 43. There you go. We all know what that means.

What's that? I don't know. Okay. My in brackets, late husband passed away suddenly 10 years ago, 37 oh i'm so sorry when my daughters were aged 9 and 20 months that is brutal that is tough a few months later do you know when i said how do we follow that story about the breastfeeding you've really gone for a gear shift here boy this is alex jones would be going this is too much either you've proofread this and you've planned this absolutely perfectly,

or you've gone in dry and you're panicking. Yeah, it's the second one. Go on. A few months later, my then two-year-old Tilly was playing whilst I was making dinner. She asked me calmly, oh God, this is going to spook me out, who the man was sitting on the worktop. What man, I asked.

The one that looks like the picture of Daddy, she replied. Oh my God. Oh my God. I stopped in my tracks. All I can see, Rob, is this this does end with three emojis so it's not going to be awful it depends on the emojis isn't it the emojis are the aubergine splash of water and a dog aubergine rob normal or not normal aubergine um winky face and then the tongue out winky face right and then the kissing a heart right so. So it's a nice, nice end. Okay.

I stopped in my tracks, turned around. Of course there was nobody there. And asked if she could describe him. She calmly replied, he's smiling, he has black hair and he's wearing a blue t-shirt, trousers just like yours and shoes like yours. I was wearing jeans and black Converse. A tear fell from my eye. Obviously unbeknownst to my daughter, when asked to provide clothing for my husband's

funeral, I provided his favourite Laughalore home polo shirt, super dry jeans, same as mine, and his black converse in which he was cremated. Oh, that's amazing. Oh, wow. That is amazing, isn't it? Since then, I truly believe that young children have some kind of sixth sense, as there was no way she could have known this information. As I kept these details from our daughters, it has comforted me these past 10 difficult years to think that his spirit is out there somewhere and he's finally at peace lots of love to you both and your families cherish them and tell them you love them every day as we can never predict life's curveballs bell from talbot north london oh that is a lovely email thank you so much bell it's very kind of you to share that i'd say the last 10 minutes of this podcast has really.

I'm a mess. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. Oh my God. Where do we go now? Pick one at random, Rob. God knows what it's going to produce. The only way we could go up a level now is if one of them's an email from Rose or Lou telling us she wants a divorce.

That's the only way we can go up. If someone's breastfed a ghost that's the ultimate combo i'd say what let's go to boomer boomer never lets us down does it boomer never lets us down let's go for a boomer hi rob and josh just as a disclaimer i have the best mum and wouldn't change her for the world here we go my brother was a bit of a rogue teenager always falling out of my parents and being let's say a bit of a devil yeah i think most 80s kids grew up on chicken nuggets and fish fingers as we were but my brother was never happy with any meal my mum served he moaned at every meal time and was pretty rude to my long-suffering mum often saying dog food would be better that's not very nice is it depends on the dinner though didn't it let's let's face it

yeah they were getting cat food. One day, we all sat down for dinner, TV dinners, of course, and my brother had a different meal to us, a delicious-looking meat pie with puff pastry and mashed potato. Oh, no. Oh, my God. What the fuck is wrong with this episode of podcast? Everything is making me struggle in some way.

He wolfed it down without complaining, which is a first. My mum said, did you enjoy that? Yes, he replied. Well, you always say dog food would be better. I hope you enjoyed your dog food pie. Oh, my God. She'd made a meat pie with a tin of dog food. Needless to say, he never complained about a meal after that.

Thanks for keeping me entertained with the podcast. You guys are great. Anonymous fucking dog food pie. Fucking hell. That is fair play. Jesus Christ. Small business shower? Yeah, let's do small business.

And then I'm going to go for like a cold shower or something just to kind of... Or do you want one more? Hang on, what have we got here? Here we go. Let's finish with this. Caught having an affair story. Oh, yes, please. Here we go.

This episode's absolutely fucking bananas. Please be from Lou. Please be from Lou. Here we go. Caught having an affair. Hello, I have a story about a wife catching her husband cheating. Please keep me anonymous as she will kill me. My mum's friend walked in on her husband in bed with another man.

Oh. My mum's friend walked in on her husband in bed with another man. She didn't say anything, but simply turned around and left the house. Because we were talking about what we'd do if we caught a part of cheating. And you were unsure about to attack the affair in case they beat you up with an erection naked. And you were on the floor as his knob and balls were sort of waggling near your head. Anyway, this lady was a bit more gracious and just simply turned around and left the house knowing her husband was immediately going away for work once he'd left for work and gone to the airport she let herself back into the house and went around the entire house sprinkling cress seeds in his beloved shag pile carpets yeah she then watered them

and took all of her things and left the house. He returned from business to find his whole house of carpets covered in fully grown cress. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! I didn't know cress could grow on carpets. Well, I suppose it grows

on, um, cotton wool, doesn't it? Yeah, like cotton wool! So, yeah, she just let herself back in an absolute... How do you get Cress out of a carpet? Oh, my word. That's a killer. That's a good one, isn't it? Right.

Oh, my word. Small business? Yeah. Why not? More catching people having affairs than what you did, please, and how you dealt with it. We like that. Yeah.

Love affair chat. Right. Small business. Right. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm very late to the party. I got a tip off from a choir member. I lead choirs in Yorkshire and started listening to your podcast last week.

I'm a mum of two living in Shipley and set up a business just after COVID called This Is Your Song. I wrote bespoke songs for any occasion, birthdays, Valentine's, baptisms, weddings, etc. A great personal gift for someone you love. The website is www.thisisyoursong.co.uk tar rosie well despite her lack of history listening to us there you go sure she'll stick around now though she's here here for life here we go here for life hi both would love a small business shout out for one of my best friends business it's the somerset chili garden run by best friends Kayla and Harry

who planted 150 chili plants in Jan 2020 after being a drunken idea one night in a pub. Two years on and they make amazing hot sauces, chili jams and chocolates. Love a hot sauce. I love a hot sauce. Ribman hot sauce is good. For a small business shout out, have you ever had Ribman sauce? No.

It's amazing. They do vegetarian as well. I'll get involved. Very nice. And vegan because Ramesh has it. Anyway, but let's not forget It's amazing. They do vegetarian as well. I'll get involved. Very nice. And vegan, because Romesh has it. Anyway, but let's not forget about the Somerset Chili Garden as well. Two years old, they make amazing hot sauces, chili jams, and chocolates from a wide variety of organic chilies

grown in the Mendip Hills of Somerset. Lovely. That's near you, isn't it? That's where you grew up, isn't it? No, but yeah. They also do amazing grazing platters for parties, weddings locally in Somerset. You can find them at somersetchilligarden.co.uk

or somerset underscore chilli underscore garden on Instagram. Thank you so much, Abby, and my 11-month-old Caspian. Get yourself some Somerset Chilli Garden. Lovely. Josh, that is our small business shout-out. There we go.

It's been a pleasure, Rob. Yeah. Also, Lou got me a grazy pickle from Father's Day, which we shouted out before. Yeah. Because we mentioned them on here. And very nice and the lady's saying that um she's had loads of orders and people ordering stuff so thank you to all the listeners yeah thank you for supporting us because these aren't just we don't just do these and people forget it genuinely

does affect these people which blows our mind really it's great yes so we've had loads of emails from people that's like they can go full time now or they've managed to get a bit of extra money when they've been struggling because the amount of people that will go into these companies. So please keep using these companies and ordering stuff because it makes a massive difference to people. And if you've got a small business that you want us to give a shout out to, let us know and we'll do that as well.

But thank you to everyone that's buying things or using things or giving to charities and stuff that we say it's very kind of you and it's not going unnotnoticed thank you very much i'd say it is a hall of famer episode for various reasons a lot going on in that episode wasn't there there's a lot to enjoy there at one point i was nearly physically sick and crying at the same time and i've not had that since norovirus 2018 uh thank you very much see you see you next time bye bye hello i'm jen brister and i'm carrie godleyman and we host the brand new podcast series memory lane each week we'll be taking a trip down memory lane with our very special guests

as they bring in full photos from their past to talk about. And Jen and I will be doing new episodes every week. Come on, we can all be nosy together. Memory Lane Podcast. Available now.