Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S7 EP9: "Before you know it my d*ck is a game!..."

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast only six dollars at at A&W's in Ontario.

Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis.

Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis! Hello, darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show?

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Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whitacombe? Josh Whitacombe. There we go. What happened there at the can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe There we go What happened there at the end do you reckon? Yeah Well are we about to find out? Let's see

Sorry by the way it's not a bit too quiet then when I start I always have to turn the volume up as it's going Yeah Because I get warnings About what? I don't know if anyone else is this rock and roll Do you ever get warnings from your iPhone saying that you've had your music too loud for the last seven days?

No, I didn't know. Sorry. Didn't know I was doing a podcast with The Edge. Yeah, too right, mate. But surely the headphones can go up so loud. Do you have it on full? Sometimes. You look like someone that might go deaf.

Because my knees, when I get old, because I think everyone knows through family what's going to go. Yeah. My family, a knees. Yeah. My mum needs a knees replacement. She's having that soon. Good luck, big Suze.

And eyes. My mum's eyes are fucked. They've been detached about 15 times. What do you mean? Detached retina? Yeah. And just bad eyesight. I've got bad eyesight.

It's sort of progressive. So my future is new knees and reattaching retinas. I think lungs. I think I'm going to go on lungs. Well, asthma is... I think lungs is you. Whenever I do the peak flow thing at the doctor, which you won't have to do that.

What's peak flow? It sounds like something Jordan Peterson would talk about. Jake Humphries podcast. Whenever I do the peak flow podcast. No, Farrell, when are you in your peak flow? Just sort of when I'm running loads. Just keep running, just keep non-stop running. It just feels really weird when I drink an espresso.

That's such a small cup. Well, it's an espresso, isn't it? Just for people watching. Yeah. Not that they're watching, but it's not a big mic. It's a small cup this time. Yeah, yeah. Is there anything in that?

Yeah. You drunk that like a child pretending they were drinking out of a cup i do do that a lot i've not really accepted that i'm getting older like sometimes if i go somewhere posh i'll order a martini or yeah like whiskey on the rocks yeah i hate both yeah i just absolutely love whiskey and full fat coke right yeah but you can't really go to a cocktail bar and have that. Whiskey and Coke. It needs a name, doesn't it? Is it a black Russian?

I don't know. I'm not sure. By the way, this email, I am going back to it. Yeah, sorry. This is the problem with in-person ones. Nothing gets said, does it? No, no, exactly. It's not like, oh, when they get together, it's edgy.

It's raw. It's when they get together, they talk about espresso. Yeah, it's panic distraction. So what were we talking about? Don't know. So here's the email. I've got massive mosquito bite on my leg which is really itchy.

Hi Rob, Josh and Michael. We're huge fans of the show and loved watching you live in Manchester back in May. Oh, lovely. Do you know what? I loved doing the tour. It was a great time.

So good. And do you know what I loved about it was? Because everything's all like recorded and it was nice. It was like a special live event. Yeah. You can't watch it back on YouTube. No, you can't. what i loved about it was because everything's all like recorded and it was nice it was like a special live event yeah you can't watch it back on youtube no you can't quite like about it there is a video somewhere of the manchester one isn't that yeah we keep getting them a lot of grief for not filming this enough but i just think it doesn't really fit our ethos does it i know we're doing it now he's listening to us thinking i need to see their face we had to

do this because the only way we could get rich Osman on the show, who's a guest soon, was to be in person. But I can show you my massive mosquito bite. Look at that. Oh my god, what happened there? I got bit by a mosquito. In the UK? Yeah.

Here is our 22 month old son Billy attempting to say your names. I always listen to your podcast on our walks where he and all other passers-by stare at me strangely while i'm howling with laughter all your stories thanks for the laughs on the toughest day these normally start at 5 a.m stay sexy and relatable lorna brian and billy from shrewsbury billy's a good name for a kid you don't shrewsbury what's it called the the Seven Theatres? Oh, yeah, I did that. Last time I did that was I did a work in progress gig

with Jake Lambert, very funny comedian, and Mike Wilmot. Mike Wilmot. Who's hilarious. Once when I was doing a gig, I was writing down bullet points with my set.

He went, what are you doing? I went, writing down my jokes. He went, what do you mean? Because he's like such a professional in old school. It's all in his head. He went, do you want to see my jokes? And he a professional and old school. It's all in his head. He went, do you want to see my jokes?

And he got a bit of paper out and wrote cock in capital letters. That's my set. So, how have you been? Quite sort of manic because of the summer holidays. So they've been fun,

but it's a bit... How far in are we now at the time of recording? Three weeks? We're halfway... Halfway stage. No, over halfway. A couple of weeks to go.

Okay. What is it? Middle of August we're recording this now. Yeah, couple of weeks to go okay what is it middle of August we're recording this now oh yeah maybe three weeks have you got anything planned well I just find that

me and Lou are constantly having like cobra meetings right you know like the government have a cobra meeting when something mental is there it's like

and they're screaming in the other room and go like Lou what's your week looking because my diet I haven't got a normal diet but each week

I'm doing something weird and different it's not like I go to the same office every day so it's constant sort of cobra meetings and the kids moaning

about being bored but they've got loads to do talk me through a cobra meeting well normally it starts with look just calm down just shut the door

drown them out send them outside give them something to go away from us for a bit what's your week looking like? And then like, right, I've got that on Monday. What are you doing?

And Lou will go, I need you to walk the dog that day and have the kids because I've got to go to my appointment for my ankle because the ankle's still bad. And then I say, I'm being picked up at 7am. And then I go, calm down. And then we work back from there and she'll be like

can your mum and dad have the kids no because she needs a knee replacement and she's in Spain for five weeks bloody hell

so she's away could you walk the dog at half five in the morning so the answer to that is yes and the answer to do you do that

sometimes oh my god and I'll tell you what is it dark no it's not dark no so i've been walking the dog about 7 00 a.m yeah right but today the dog's not getting walked right that was the first thing to go in the cobra meeting yeah but he will be mental tonight can you walk

in when you get home yeah that's something i'm going to try and take but what's not really been helping is the great british summer where it basically absolutely pisses down yeah and whippets will not go outside when it rains they just refuse how long is a dog walk so I drive about five minutes to this country park because if you don't

Josh there are people that just walk their dog on the country lanes yeah yeah yeah with their scars I'm from the country

it's horrible I can't do it I refuse to do it what's the rule just don't die off we go all the best don't die he's deadly so you get him in the car so get him in the car yeah do they do it with a lead no they don't do they oh no some people will lead walk down the guys i'm not as don't how does dog

know not to just it's the country mate welcome to the country so i've been going to the country park place for a walk and it's basically about a 45 minute walk. God, that's a big bit out of your day, isn't it? Yeah, but I was a bit anxious about it

because I don't really like talking to other people but now the dog's too super well trained. I literally walk like I do whatever I want and he just follows me. Nice.

And he's not bothered about other people, not bothered by other dogs. Little trick, don't give him breakfast before you go. Right. And he's on you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's on you for that cheese. Cheese? Yeah, pop him a little bit of cheese. What like a baby bell not like a full baby bell but like little cubes of cheese cubes of cheese yeah they love it is that really that's his favorite is he a mouse but that's no but that's what he wants that's like if i was walking you yeah i'd give out little snippets of blur songs all right i thought right. I thought it was going to be porridge. Woo-hoo! Here he comes, little gobbler.

Yeah, yeah. Little spoonfuls of porridge. Josh! Do you know what? I do fancy some porridge. Let's stop gobbling and poking. But anyway, I've been walking the dog early, so I've been taking about seven. Do you have headphones in? Massive headphones.

Morning! In someone's face, and I walk past them. Sometimes I double take. Are you that morning? are you that morning are you that morning that robert where's robert morning straight back off no talking i've got a busy day already i don't need small talk in the middle of this walk get going what's he called who cares he's my're not going to ring him. You're not saving his number. But it's amazing how quickly you become judgmental because I'm getting up. It's amazing how quickly you've become judgmental.

That's turned. No, because I'm getting up earlier to do this. I've only been doing it for the last week or so. So it's not been every day in the summer holidays, but I'm enjoying it now, actually. I've got really into it because I'm like, right, I've basically done 7,000 steps by 8 a a.m every day yeah so i'm actually feeling the benefit i'm feeling fitter and healthier and it's good and like it really clears your head and this

is what lou's been missing because that's really nice now why lou loves it so much yeah so when lou's back on her feet maybe we can do it together it'd be a lovely little couple thing to do both headphones on morning but then i'll be going back to the car park at like 8 30 a.m quarter past eight and see people arriving i'm like these fucking losers oh sorry a little lie in did you but it's getting to a dog walker it's quite impressive still why are you not taking both so the youngest one doesn't need much exercise because he's so much smaller and he's a puppy and he's getting loads in the garden chasing the big dog right so we're going to start walking this week but he needs to go on a lead to learn how to go on a lead and his recall isn't as good as the old dog

he loves food he's actually eating out the other one's bowl i don't know if that's allowed but this is stressing me out george they play fire but their play fine is the bigger one will hold the younger one down by the throat and choke him out into these wheels oh fire but their play fine is the bigger one will hold the younger one down by the throat and choke him out into these wheels oh my god oh my god is that okay they're just dogs but then the younger one runs away and hides but then we'll come out and start again yeah it is play yeah yeah but yeah so i've been doing dog walks and then i've been forcing the kids to come to the dog walks so this weekend lou took my youngest to a party kids party the kids party situations i can't go on it's just too much not for you

there's two i've got two kids where the mum is always the dad because the mum she just hates part and i i really respect it yeah she's just like i can't do these well i'd had a busy day day before and i was like what is it and it was like it's at a park and she told me it was a four hour one 11 till three and i went no i can't do that i haven't got the stamina bar for four hours chatting to parents in a park like and they're all nice people but i just can't do it but luckily it was only two hours 11 till one and then she did it anyway yeah and then i had to walk the dog on sunday morning and then my seven-year-old i was like right we've got to go for a dog walk she's like i don't want

to you're coming she went i want to watch my telly went the beauty of this is if you get up do some exercise go for a walk get some fresh air then you're guilt free for the rest of the day if you want to watch telly all day, what do you want to do? She went, can I have a bath on my own without my sister and watch telly? I was like, yeah, yeah, sure, Bridget Jones. You're from the Flake cover. I'll get you a little glass of wine and you can enjoy this divorce in your own way. But then I sort of forced her to come out and she literally cried about it

and then loved it. She was like, this is great. So what does she do on the dog walk throws the ball for the dog oh yeah in one of those plastic things

because we did a 20 minute walk because the 45 is a bit too long for her it's hilly the 20 minutes one and she just launches

a ball back and forth and loved it and was like this is brilliant because I don't have to share goes because we realise we spend too much time

with them as a pair yeah and it's unfair on them a bit as well because it's like they do everything together it's great because they get on but also you don't actually talk to your kid yeah they're just chatting and we're near them so it's actually we had a really good time so that was good but

basically bottom line is that i'm into the dog walks now oh it's difficult when you're busy for you yeah because i used to hate it because the dog would run off and talk to other dog talk more social than you i've already told you about this you know i how I do the voiceover for Celebs Go Dating? Yeah. Which is back on, by the way. And I don't get paid any extra for saying this. I get paid the same.

The best series I've ever done. Vanessa Feltz is on it. And... Oh, boy. She was good on Big Brother, weren't she? She's back. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. But, yeah, so it's a really good one. They've got Love Island people on it as well. And Kate Moss's sister, Lottie Moss. Who's that? Lottie Moss. Yeah. Anyway, so it's a really good one. They've got Love Island people on it as well. And Kate Moss's sister, Lottie Moss. Who's that? Lottie Moss? Yeah.

Anyway, so it's a really good series. So I've been doing that. But going back to the dogs talking to each other, once we were, it's a few series ago, we were doing a scene where it was quite boring scene, but it needed a bit of funniness put in. And they had a shot of this person's dog. I think it was someone from Diversity's dog.

Right. The date wasn't going well. So they said, oh, can you do a bit of the dog going like come on mate say something all right so i sort of like come on mate say something like that just sort of classic dog voice yeah and then the note back and it's hume i make hume produces it i always reminded this every series he went yeah rock you redo that doesn't really sound like a dog talking and i went yeah sure mate if you can play me a clip of a dog talking i'll copy it because at the moment that's all i've got in the locker i thought it was good as well yeah like whoa sausage you know that's what i copied was that of course oh come on

that's how i imagine anyway did you change it or did you i know i think i'll probably just wait now do just put my foot down down sometimes you gotta put your paw down put my paw down there must be a clause in my contract when I don't have to do that oh yeah nice but yeah so that

it's been I find summer holidays you can't think you don't have time to think and I'm just aware I've just had an espresso and a coffee earlier and I feel a bit high

high I've just spoken to you for ages yeah but that's the point yeah but not like this I feel like I regret being in the corner. Yeah, I feel like a cokehead in the club and I found you.

And I'm like, last leg, mate, let's talk. What's Ilse like? What's Brooker like? Do you want me to booze all week I imagine, like Johnny Vaughan on Big Breakfast, stuff like that. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join

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What have you been doing kid-wise? Well, I thought about it and I thought I haven't had any particular anecdote. I just thought I'd take you through the timetable of Thursday. Can I say something? I find it's harder to remember what's happened because I'm constantly parenting. Where normally you have space to think about it because you're at work and you go, oh I'll talk about what was that. we are actually doing less things because we're there all the time yeah and normally it's like at the weekend we're going here we're going there but we are just chilling out yeah exactly so i'll take you through thursday to sunday okay just

kind of slice of life slice of life yeah so rose went to cornwall 7 a.m on thursday sure for the house renovation so i wake up get up with my daughter. She's got her art class. Right. Which is drop-off 8.50. So you've got both of them? I've got both of them. Yeah. I've got to make it to the 8.50 because I've got a Zoom at 9.15. So if she's going

to art at 8.50, what about your boys? Are you going to nursery? No. So, we've got nanny for him that day. Right. So she's coming? Yeah. She's coming 9.15. I think get day right so she's coming yeah she's coming 9 15 i think get the hell earlier no because the zoom's at 9 15 josh yeah but i only realized this much later okay yeah yeah so so you've literally you're starting that you've got me in two places at once well rose's mum is there to go on the journey with me so i say to rose's mum do you want to look after our son and then i can just take my daughter? Yeah. Or, do you

want to come with and we'll take both of them and then you can drop my daughter in because I can't drop my daughter in with my son in the car because he needs parking up, etc. Yeah, so it's actually quite helpful if she comes because she could drop her off, yeah. So get up, have to get it all

sorted, porridge, etc. Sure. Outfits, bang. I'm actually much... Yeah, but you've got the mum there. That's easier, isn't it? No, no, no. She only got up. She doesn't sleep very well, so I couldn't really go.

So she doesn't sleep well, so she lies in a bit. Well, till 8.30. I couldn't get her up at 7.30 and go, could you change a nappy? No, but you can be really loud near a room. She's up top. You've got to make excuses. She's like the woman in our level. Oh, I'm just going to go up here and get a towel or something from upstairs. No, but you can be really loud near a room. She's up top. You've got to make excuses. I'm just going to go up here and get a towel or something from upstairs.

Don't you just send them in to go and see Nanny? No, Rob. I'm just a good guy. If you're sat in my house, you're fucking grafted. If you want to sleep under this roof, pull your finger out. Honestly, my kids come in at 5.30 and they go, can we wait Nanny and Grandad? I go, yes, off you go. Well, if they were coming in at 5.30 and they go can we wait now and then granddad they go yes

off you go yeah well if they were coming in at 5.30 I would okay so I think it's different though if you're in-law

yeah that is my parents also they're up at 7, 7.30 so you're leaving what time have you got to leave 8.20, 8.30 I've got a 50 minute turnaround

right from when they've all got up so what time do you see your mother-in-law about 5, 10 minutes before we left so she literally comes down she's got up got ready yeah right okay so she's not gonna just stay in the house with the boy no no why not because she'd prefer to come and drop off okay i didn't drill down who chooses a commute well i think it's preferable to being one-on-one

with a very energetic two-year-old. Right, so she'd rather be in a car with him strapped in. Yeah. Okay, that's not a great endorsement of your child. Well, I'd say he's a lot of fun if you can move around. Right, okay. And she's not as mobile. If you've got weary bones as a 78-year-old, then the two-year-old is quite extreme.

That's what I'd say. That's how I'd put it that's fair yeah he gets to the front seat to have a go on my steering wheel yeah

flips out because I then have to get him in the back because he doesn't understand that we can't go in that position yeah yeah so he screams

all the way so he's screaming tied in you've got your daughter just sat there fine yeah I'd say your daughter is so well behaved you forget she's there sometimes yeah when was all that your daughter who just sat there fine. Yeah. I'd say your daughter is so well behaved,

you forget she's there sometimes. Yeah. When was all that bus? No, yeah, but she's well behaved in front of other people. Right, okay. Yeah. Why don't you get the bus then? So we go.

Are you chatting with your mother-in-law or are you radioing? What's the vibe in the car? Actually, she lost her necklace in our house just before we left. Oh, no. So that was the main topic of conversation sure there and back yeah

so you weren't sitting in the fucking duvet you were in all night while I'm down here looking after the kids it's alright I leave her with my son

I go up do the first zoom meeting 9.15 so she ran out with your daughter and dropped her off into the school yeah

get back zoom meeting 1 that's quite handy zoom meeting 2 and then come downstairs have my breakfast yeah with your daughter and drop her off into the school. Yeah. Get back. Zoom meeting one. That's quite handy that. Yeah. Zoom meeting two. Yeah. And then come downstairs, have them a breakfast. Yeah.

Straight to doing a four hour voiceover. What for? A CBeebies show. Oh. Yeah. Get this. This is lucky.

There's a recording studio underneath Hackney City Farm. I don't even know what that means. Well, you know Hackney City Farm? I don't even know what that means. Well, you know Hackney City Farm? No. Well, you can imagine it. Yeah, okay, you've tried it.

It does what it says on the tip. So it's quite near me. Yeah. And they've got a recording studio underneath the farmhouse. Nice. So I just went there, did that, then had to go home. My daughter was going for pizza with her friends after art class. Okay.

So our nanny has to go home so i'm like i'll get my son yeah i'll take him to meet my daughter in dalston at this and then she's with another parent and the kids yeah get in the car fine same issue with the steering wheel fine but you drive so much considering you live in london apparently i do hop on the tube you can't hop on the tube there's no fucking live in lond. I do live in London. Just hop on the tube. You can't hop on the tube. I thought you live in London. There's no fucking tube in East London. Why don't you live in London then? I do. What's the point of living in London if you don't have a tube? You haven't got a tube. I haven't got a tube.

I've got my land. You haven't got a tube. What are you paying the extra for? What am I paying the extra for? Organic pizza? I am paying the extra for organic pizza, I tell you that. Anyway. You can't get into London from where you live. I can. I got the bus to Ireland.

Yeah. And then got the tube. Oh, God. You'd be better off living in Romford. I wouldn't be better off. I'm not Steve. Oh, mate. Straight on the road.

I'm not Steve Davis. Straight on the central line. With the Romford. Right in the fucking middle of it. Yeah, but I don't always. You're on that. Boom. Central.

I don't want to go central. I go central about once a month to see you sorry go so you've driven to dalston yeah there's no fucking parking in dalston well you should live in london then should you have you tried parking in dalston no nothing there for me so i find some parking but it's too tight i'm not good enough at parallel parking are you good at parallel parking? I'm okay. I'm okay. I wouldn't go.

You know when there's one where you think someone else could do that, but that one's not for me. I'm really good in a small car. Right, yeah. But in a big car, it is a lottery. I don't know the technique. And then when I do it right, I think, what did I do there? How did that happen?

Each time... Pure luck. It's pure luck. I saw exactly how I feel when I walk off stage. Hour and a half, no idea what happened really. But just hopefully I keep doing it and it's the same. Yeah. Is there a technique to it?

Writing. Oh, don't write in. That's the last thing he needs in the inbox. A load of fucking Jeffs telling us about parallel parking. I was always told that you drive alongside the car in front of you. Yeah, that's what I did. Line up your wing mirror or your wing mirror. Right. Yeah, that's what I did. Line up your wing mirror or your wing mirror.

Right. Yeah, and then... That's news to me. Right, to start from there and then you sort of do a sort of half turn before you start and then sort of just

vibe it out. Then just vibe it out. Fucking hell, the half turn's not doing much there, is it? That half turn's not the keys to the kingdom,

is it? I did a Formula 1 episode with Romesh just going out next year and I had a terrible time driving. Oh, sorry. So, did you park? I had to then find

a second parking spot that was degrading my ability zone. And you're holding up the road at this point? No, it's so far from the pizza place. It's like down

this back street. I hate where you live, Josh. And then I realised I hadn't noted down the number that I needed to text on ringo to pay for my part oh ringo had to walk back to the car with my son who doesn't understand roads understandably he's two of course yes he's just trying to walk into roads but he's not in a buggy or anything no he doesn't he refuses he's at the age of walking see this is the age where I'm not sure about it. Some people employ the lead.

You know, they actually put their kid on lead. No, no, no, no, no. No, I don't. Yeah, no. We never did. I hold his hand and he tries to resist. He's not going in a lead, mate. Okay.

Get to the pizza place. Yeah. It's bedlam. Right. There's five or six kids from the school. Yeah. No, maybe seven or eight, maybe. It doesn't matter. What a needless or eight, maybe. It doesn't matter.

What a needless addition to the anecdote. It didn't make enough difference. No, no. Five or six or seven or eight. No, no, there's just some kids from the school. Yeah. And they're enjoying the pizza. They're running around a little bit.

Is it one parent that took them all? They've now been joined by the parents. Oh, and they said, I will take her as well. Okay. Yeah. And my son just won't sit down. It's a terrible age. I'd say that age of a two-year-old is worse than a newborn.

It's so difficult. Because he's having the time of his life. You're just shuffling off around a trendy pizza place where the tables are too close together for him to run around. Do you know where it's nice? Pizza Express. Nice round-edge tables. Here he is, fucking basic Bob.

Basic John, I love it. Basic John, I love it. Basic Bob, fucking love it. Absolutely love it. Those little trendy places, you can't get a buggy in. Have you got a high chair? No. Oh, the pizza was good, Rob. It's like a pub in the 70s, isn't it? Rob, you're going to love this.

Go on. It's a bakery during the week, but on Thursdays they do pizzas outside. Oh, is it? Fuck off, pick a lane. I didn't have a pizza for the weekend, actually. the week but on thursdays they do pizza oh is it fuck off pick a lane pizza weekend actually oh but he's even normal pepperoni is it's like that weird thick one sourdough ah best picture in london yeah peter express not my words marcus waring i do like peter express thank you actually yeah okay all the best i do like peter me too very good for kids yeah great deal what was the' meal deal at the bakery?

I don't know. To be honest, we weren't there long enough. I had to get them out. Oh, no. And did you leave your daughter? No, no, she came. Yeah. When we got back, we started bedtime.

No, we got in the house. Really good info, yeah. Yeah, no, wait for it. Got in the house. Go to check the time. Yeah. My phone, still in the sat-nav holder on the windscreen it's in the car in the car absolutely so you've got to get them all back out all back out and is it parked inside your house

no it's not is it because you haven't got to drive have you no you live in london but no but the pizza's good yeah the pizza so as you're walking around the block to find your car are you just consoling yourself with i tell you what, that sourdough was so good this Thursday. That's what I want from life. Do you want to drive? Do you want to be able to park your car and enjoy yourself? Nah, I want sourdough on a Thursday. A bus journey away.

Yeah, I live in London. Got you. Nah. Get back in the house. Yeah. Look at my watch. We're an hour five behind the normal start to the bedtime ratio. Right, okay.

And do you need to be quite on it at this age with the schedule or he goes mental? No, it's fine. But I've been looking forward to my evening on my own. You've already lost an hour of it. Halfway through a documentary about Everton's title winning team of 1985. Is everything okay? How many times have they said Dixie Dean yet in the documentary?

No, they do bring him documentary no they do bring him up they do bring him up a lot what I want to say here is I'm not saying any of this is particularly bad it's just

slice of life yeah yeah oh no of course I'm not going I've had a tough week no this is just that's normal

that's not tough normality yeah it's so boring and shit I'm just like this is what it is I'm not going

fucking hell Rob yeah oh no yeah yeah you haven't had it hard. I'm just like, this is what it is. I'm not going, fucking hell, Rob. Yeah, oh no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You haven't had it hard. No, I'm just like an hour five behind. And I'm thinking, I'm like a racing driver that's had to go to the back of the grid on a penalty. Yep.

And it's like, how do I shave this time off? The staffing's just absolutely hammering. How am I coming up? I reckon I can get back to within half an hour. Do you know what? No bath. That's what I do sometimes. I did bath.

Did you? We've got into this thing, Rob, which I couldn't do that night. They were having a bad bath the other night. What's a bad bath? I needed a shower. I was like,

oh, should I get in the bath with you guys? And they loved it. Yeah. Of course they did. You've done it before. Yeah, but not two of them now that they're so big.

Yeah, yeah. It's a tight squeeze. It's a tight squeeze. It's a tight squeeze. And they love it now. So they really want me in the bath at all times. Pants on, pants off? Pants off. Well, I do that.

And then they start just pointing at my penis and laughing. My son grabbed my dick the other day. Oh, it's horrible, isn't it? Yeah. And you're like, come on. Get off. And then you kind of say, no, no, no. And then it's turned into a game.

Yeah. Before you know it, my dick's a game. And then you don't want to make it weird. Yeah. About you covering up and being ashamed of your body. So. Your dick's a game. So obviously I'm not.

Is it a long game, short game? It's a huge tie. It's a World Cup final, mate. So I didn't get in this night. Get me in and out the bath. Basically, get my son down, go downstairs. I've left my daughter to it. Yeah, they're at the age now, they just sort of posser.

She's building a helicopter out of a box. Yeah, good luck with that. Summer holidays, do what you want. I know this is going to go badly. The thing is, she comes up with these mad designs. So she's got this cardboard box. Yeah. And then she's cut out a propeller from another cardboard box

all the while I've been upstairs and then she's like, what I'm going to do I'm going to attach this box to a trunkie and then I'm going to attach the propeller to the box and then when Father Christmas comes at Christmas, I'm going to get an engine off him

and then me and my brother are going to be able to fly this helicopter and I'm like what am I doing with this? First of all, no, you're not. No. There's a few holes in your plan that you couldn't even imagine. I can't say that. No, of course you can't. I can't.

Oh, are you? Yeah, good luck with that, you fucking idiot. Because Rose's dad is a set designer. Yeah. Rose's mum's an artist. My dad's very practical. She's. Yeah. Rose's mum's an artist. Right. My dad's very practical. She's so practical. It's unbelievable.

But it's wedded to not understanding the world like a five-year-old doesn't. Yeah. So she thinks she can make a helicopter out of a cardboard box. And I'm like, do I tell her that you can't make a helicopter out? Or do I just go, this is fine. Just let her go with it. That's what I did. Yeah.

I'm like, hopefully this will have petered out by Christmas so she won't ask Father Christmas for a helicopter engine well maybe you could get like a little set where you can

build it yeah I've tried because you wanted also do you watch Gabby's Doll's House on Netflix yeah she was like

I want to slide like Gabby's Doll's House once again she's going to build it out of a cardboard box you're like it's good though it's creative

she's incredibly creative but it out of a cardboard box. It's good though, it's creative. She's incredibly creative, but her dreams are too big. And her cardboard boxes aren't good enough to achieve the dream. Yes, I agree on that, but she'll learn. Oh, she'll learn. If she was 18, I'd say take her somewhere.

But she is fine. I'm very excited about the prospect of her redesign. Get her a model plane, a drone, get her a drone. Get her a drone the prospect of her redesign. Go and get her a model drone. Get her a drone. Get her a drone. You can fly together. Attach her to a drone. Anyway, get downstairs.

She's like, I need to finish my helicopter before we go to bed. Of course, yeah. I mean, it's August. She's only got a few months until Christmas. Like, mate, come on. Eventually get her upstairs. Forget that she sleeps on her floor when Rose is away. So then I have to go and get the bedding from upstairs.

So does she do that when you're away as well? Yeah. She must be in there most of the year. Well, no, I'm home a lot at the moment. Right, okay. Yeah, it's going to be weird when I'm touring. Poor old Rose. Yeah. No, Rose loves it. Oh, does she? Yeah, we love it. I'm enjoying it while I can. She'll probably be that thing of when she's upset when she's like 20, she'll do it.

Oh, God. I said to Rose the other day, this shows how lame we are. Do we want our bedroom back? No. My daughter was sleeping in it because she then does a couple of hangover days afterwards where we can't be bothered to move the bed. Right. That's her new bed for a few days.

Yeah. And then I was like, I can't wait for my son to be old enough that we're all in it. Oh, that's nice. It is nice, isn't it? It is nice. Do you reckon he'll sit there chilled? He'll be in the bed. In our bed? Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, that's the problem, chilled? He'll be in the bed. In our bed?

Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, that's the problem, isn't it? That's the problem. That's the problem. We don't really do that, though. My oldest doesn't give a shit. She sleeps through, doesn't come in at all, never wants to.

The youngest would if she could. You've got boundaries there, haven't you? I just say, no, go back to bed. Occasionally, I let her sleep in with me. I didn't realise you had that in your locker. That's like the half turn with the parallel parking. You're giving me your techniques. Just go back to bed.

Just go back to bed. Why don't you just go back to bed? Or if Lou's away and I'm just there you had that in your locker. That's like the half turn with the parallel parking. You're giving me your techniques. Just go back to bed. Just go back to bed. Why don't you just go back to bed? If Lou's away and I'm just there and she comes in and I'm too tired, I go, sleep there. And she sleeps in Lou's space. Anyway, I got downstairs watching my Everton documentary. Yeah. Ten past nine.

Not bad. Wired. Had a Wahaka. Come on now. It sounded like a wank. Yeah, it did. Had a quick Wahaka. Had a quick Oaxaca. Had a quick Oaxaca.

Oaxaca'd one off. Oaxaca's not very East London for you though, is it? It's a bit chainy. What do you mean? I love a chain. I love Pizza Express. I love Oaxaca. I love Chipotle.

Joe, you'd love. If you were honest to yourself. Is it going to be McDonald's? Suburbs. I think if you really accepted it, you'd love the normality. I'm fine with where I live. It doesn't even crop into my mind until you bring it up.

No, it's only because you complain. I just think you'd get into the groove. Well, I went to the suburbs on Saturday. Oh, did you? Yeah, Friday morning, last leg, get up, art class again, have to take them both to art class on my own, have to then take him out of the car to get her into art class, get back in.

Stuff like that is tough, isn't it? Well, especially if you've got to do live TV at 10pm that night and then you've got to go into the studio and prepare for it. Yeah, get home, leave them with Shell, his nanny. Nanny. So is she staying the night? Rose is getting back Friday night. Oh, right, so Rose is going to relieve the nanny

because you're out till, like, midnight. Yeah. Hand him off to Shell, go to my yoga to relax. Fell asleep. Yep, go. During the meditation section. out till like midnight yeah hand him off to shell go to my yoga to relax fell asleep yep during the meditation section go to last leg bash out the final last leg of the series

full disclosure with the last one of a series yeah how early is it if you're on camera yeah when's it too rude

to leave the wrap party I would leave immediately after the show yeah you just have to thanks Guy this is my biggest bugbear in TV right Is it too rude to leave the wrap party? I would leave immediately after the show. Yeah. You just have to. I just can't do it.

Thanks, guys. My biggest bugbear in TV, right, is how fucking self-congratulatory it all is. Oh, it's a wrap. End of the set. Fuck off. It's the bit of work. Like, if I worked at a jet washing company,

at the end of finishing a big drive after two weeks, I wouldn't have a big fucking piss up and go oh guys another big drive done what fuck off new job monday let's go back to work i hate rat pies yeah not my thing i used to like them when i started but the last leg you could tell people have lost the will to wrap well one year that has been going for 12 years now you must be over that i remember a series we had an ice luge like a vodka vodka luge. A vodka luge. And then about two years ago, we walked in and they had kebabs. Right?

These kebabs were in polystyrene boxes. The green room fucking stunk. Right? And they weren't labelled vegetarian or non-vegetarian. Right. So every kebab had been opened and people had fingered them. Now... I'll tell you what,

that's my kind of wrap party. I walked into the green room. Yeah? Yeah. There were five bottles of Peroni on the side. People still trying to make out like it's the end of the series. I'm fine with it.

Yeah. It's over. Yeah, show finished at 11. I'm in the cab 11.05. Yeah. Out of blindness, booked my cab for 11.45. It's over. Yeah, show finished at 11. I'm in the cab 11.05. Yeah, out of blindness, booked my cab for 11.45. 11.30, I was waiting for my cab.

Yeah. I'm not a social person. Well, no, you are, but I just sort of feel like it'd be different if it was earlier in the day, but it's 11 o'clock. You've done the last thing a million times, but the wrap parties in TV

do get a bit much, I find. Yeah, so then did that, got home. TV people are quite party people, aren't they? They are, but there's a thing i think tv is a bit like comedy everything that makes it really exciting in your 20s yeah makes it bleak in your 30s and 40s yeah because it's long hours anti-social anti-social booze in all the things that initially you're like i can't believe i'm doing this it's great i'm making tv and i'm on the pier yeah then you get some i then oh my God, I've got to take my child to kiddie kicks in the morning.

Yeah, I've got to walk the dog at 6.45am. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Promo code searching. It takes skill. Speed. Sweat. Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle.

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Fucking hell, you've got to be kidding me, haven't you? Come on, we've spent all week together. It's not my fault you don't like your life. Don't drag me in to pep you up. I like going home. If you want to stay to pep you up. I like going home.

If you want to stay in for a drink, sort your fucking house out. Is that okay? Is that too much? That's how I feel. Yeah.

There's people who are in their 20s. Fair enough. You're in your 20s. You don't want to go home because you're in a flat share of eight people. Yeah.

Good on you. But man, get it down. You're thinking that come back. Let's go. You don't want me cramping your style.

Oh, we don't... You don't have to make a conversation with me about whether it was a good show or not. You don't give a fucking shit. Have the eight bowls of free peroni and fucking enjoy yourself. Or is it a good show? Who cares?

You got paid, I got paid. Forget it. Yeah. Also, you did get drunk at a wrap party and read a section of your book out loud, didn't you? No, only to one person. This was the old me. And that was when you knew you had to stop drinking.

Well, I carried on for another year and a half. Somehow. I got through the old book each week. We don't do a wrap party for the end of each series, do we? We don't even know when the series starts or ends. Michael just tells us we're out of series. When I have to send the file, I just say, what series is it? And he goes, seven.

Yeah, is it? Episode five. Series one's just gone on and on and on and on. Oh, God. Is there anyone at home going, I thought series five was a bit of a duff one, but series six, they got it back. Oh, that's the other thing I wanted to say.

My daughter dressed up. Talk about being creative. She came downstairs and scared the shit out of me. She was wearing a black dress From Halloween Yeah A pair of black tights Over her face

Like a bank robber But the legs coming Out the top of her head Oh my fucking god And at the bottom of the legs She didn't slip knot or something Yeah exactly that And at the bottom of the legs

All hanging loose And all you could see Was just a face covered in mesh Black mesh And a black dress She was swinging the legs round And she'd with hair scrunch She'd tied a sock on each end Tied it up mesh black mesh and a black dress she was swinging the legs round and she'd with hair scrunchie tied

a sock on each end tied it up and put coins in it as a weapon and was swinging it around going camera yeah now she's doing millwall away yeah she was i'm a ninja i just tried to get a bit of it myself because it was only me and her in the house. Oh, my God. She came down like that. Should we do a small business shout out? Yeah. Here we go. Hey, guys. After becoming a dad for the first time, I wanted to help my partner as much as possible, but many resources out there didn't have what I was searching for.

I wanted to know, how can I look after my partner? What can I do to help? And how can I put her mind at ease? Other pregnancy apps are targeted towards women for good reasons, of course, but reading your uterus is expanding just didn't really feel right. After speaking to other dads, they felt the same frustrations. Then the idea for Papapedia was born. Papapedia is an app designed specifically for dads in the UK

with a whole load of resources for pregnancy, labour, newborn and mental health. It highlights things dads can do actively to get involved, as well as providing information about organisations that can help with mental health. For more information, go to papapedia.co.uk. P-A-P-A-P-E-D-I-A.co.uk. The app is still in its early stages on Android and I'm currently working on Apple to try and get it released on the App Store,

but it would be amazing to get a shout out to help this get off the ground. Kind regards, Craig Williams. Good luck, Craig. Good idea. Good luck, Craig. it released on the app store but it would be amazing to get a shout out to help this get off the ground kind regards craig williams good luck good idea good luck craig hi robin josh my name is natalie i've recently launched and this is a good idea as well my etsy business where i take your child's favorite teddy or toy and illustrate onto beautiful textured card in a range of sizes the designs look great in a child's bedroom think of that think how much a teddy means to a child early doors you get the illustration i don't know what i'm doing well no but also just think of how many teddies my kids have got but never looked at since they bought it exactly some make the grade it

feels like the teddy situation my house is like the chelsea transfer signings they're non-stop they're coming in and they ain't cheap no and it doesn't matter how much you pay from certain ones will take some won't i know my son's taken to one i don't know where the fuck it's come from but it seems to be sponsored by a o the insurance people don't they deliver fridges i don't know what's for eon is now your thing of eon it's green it's got the a o logo i've got no idea why we've got it anyway that's the one my son liked my daughter's obsessed at pole hill garden center where we go to it's good garden so's the one my son liked. My daughter's obsessed at Pole Hill Garden Centre where we go to. It's a good garden centre.

Saw Dizzy Rascal in there the other day. Oh, yeah? You didn't see Dizzy Rascal in a garden centre, did you? No. It was in there with his kids. Anyway, you know them teddy?

I can't remember what the company is, but they're like Jelly Cat or something. Is that a company? Yeah, yeah. And it's a pineapple and it's a person

as a pineapple and she's like, I want Mr Pineapple. It's like 25 quid. I'm like, I'm not bashing out 25 quid on a teddy. Just on a Sunday morning because she's seen Mr. Pineapple.

But she's mentioned Mr. Pineapple every day since. And so we're trying to create jobs for her to save money to get Mr. Pineapple. So that's what we're on at the moment. But there'll be another teddy. We've got too many teddies. The designs look great in a child's bedroom, playroom or as a keepsake gift. I decided to start doing this after my son lost his really ugly, she's put in brackets, snuggle bear at the park last year.

You can visit my Etsy store at brookleybynatalie. Brookley is B-R-O-O-K-L-E-Y-by-B-Y-N-A-T-A-L-E-I-E at.etsy.com. Instagram at brookleybynatalie. Listeners can also use the code PARENTING10 for a 10% discount across any items on my Etsy store.

Keep being sexy and relatable. Natalie in Lincoln. Thanks, Natalie. Thanks, Josh. Back on Fridays. Back on Friday. Back on Zoom as well, Probs. Probs.

Right, see you next week. Psst, it's me, Alan. There's no place like London's Hackney Empire this September, or so I'm told. With shows from three of the UK's top comedians. Join team captain of 8 Out of 10 Catsters Countdown, John Richardson. Recent I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here star, Sean Walsh.

And me, Alan Carr. We're all visiting Hackney Empire this September with our critically acclaimed tour shows. Ooh, la-di-da! Tickets available from hackneyempire.co.uk. See you there, my loves! Hello, I'm Jen Brister. And I'm Kerry Godliman. And we host the brand new podcast series, Memory Lane.

Each week, we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guests, as they bring in full photos from their past to talk about. Anden and i will be doing new episodes every week come on we can all be nosy together memory lane podcast available now politics sport climate change culture wars i'm jack d and i'm sean Walsh. These are just some of the things we won't be talking about in our podcast, Oh My Dog. Not that we couldn't if we wanted to. Oh, of course. Of course we could.

Obviously. We're both well known for our scathing satire and social commentary, but we've decided to set that aside to talk about our favourite subject. Dogs. Join us on our podcast, Oh My Dog. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and follow us on Instagram at OMDPod.