Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP1: VIKING BOY!!

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening Marnie, can you see Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you see Josh Whittakin? Josh Whittakin.

Good. Nicely done. A lot of reverb on that, wasn't there? It was like they did it in an empty Royal Albert Hall. It was beautiful, wasn't it? I know we don't want to judge sound quality. We're a bit all over the place. Where was she? This is Marnie Drew, who's 49 months old. Marnie Drew. wasn't it? I know we don't want to judge sound quality. We're a bit all over the place. That was like,

where was she? This is Marnie Drew. Who's 49 months old. Marnie Drew. Marnie Drew. Marnie Drew sounds like a children's book. Yeah. A kid that solves mysteries.

Marnie Drew. She lives with her uncle. Yeah. Because of sort of troubles when she was younger. They're unspecified. Spends a lot of time in the woods. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh mate, I heard a deer last night barking you've heard a deer bark no it's horrific sounds like someone being murdered sure how did you know it was a deer okay well because basically they bark then they leave the trailer i've googled it actually now there's all blue tape around it because the police always do that after a quick deer bark this podcast is going to be played out to the courtroom. No, it was a horrific sound. And then it was exactly the same sound for about 10 minutes.

And I thought no one's been killed for that long. No, no. They wouldn't do the same sound. And they might say words like stop. Yeah. I mean, it was a deer bark. Sorry. Sorry, Josh. It wasn't just someone having passionate sex

in your words oh potentially but i just first when i've ever had sex with anyone they've never made the same noise non-stop for 10 minutes more than 10 minutes was the issue than the noise come on bit of fun marnie drew 49 months old what's that for my husband Nick and I have been listening since the early days when managing a baby solo with family 3 000 miles away oh you were and still are thank god you were and aren't really anymore both reassuring hilarious and always real reminding us that this is hard and being clueless is okay. We were living in Toronto at the time. Ontario? Ontario, yeah.

Have you been to Canada? No, I feel like I have, but I want to go. But it's up on an M, isn't it, where it's quite far. You didn't do Montreal Comedy Festival. No, not done that. No, me neither. I know some people that have moved to Canada. They're a certain type of person, aren't they? you mean they shop at millets well you've got to be really into the outside

people i've known growing up who like outside have all moved to canada yeah i didn't realize until i sort of moved a bit further out and started having to like deal with mud and go country walks that like how important waterproof shoes are yeah can't wear a pair of sandbars can you also then all the shops blacks millets that's all of a minute all the other ones just to be clear yeah you were just saying all the shops and then blacks and millets for an example of the shops because when you said you know blacks is a shop that's right just to be clear yeah before this is played in court for a different reason i'm always going to get a new gore-tex pair of shoes from asians the shop talking to canada most people i know who moved to canada a lot of

sri lankans in canada oh she's family and then my daughter's friend at school's sri lank, her parents were born in Sri Lanka and a lot of her family, so they go to Canada quite a lot. So what's that all about? I think when there was the civil war in Sri Lanka, a lot of refugees sort of moved. They went to the UK, Australia and Canada were the three places that they sort of- Oh, because they're in the Commonwealth. Commonwealth, yeah.

So that's the sort of places where they would go to avoid the conflict for young families. When we did that Who Do You Think You Are, whatever it is, DNA journey thing, me and Romesh... It's not the same show, is it, Robbie? It's the same thing. Me and Romesh sat in a dark cinema watching a 20-minute video about how horrific all the stuff that happened in Sri Lanka was and both started crying and I think they just left it out of the show because it was so bleak oh god it'll be quite like sad and then

they'll be funny and I was just meeting him just crying anyway sorry Josh let's go back to Marnie Drew it's weird when you do one of those shows you know when you do a show yeah there's obviously not able to say it's the other show, but it's really like the other show. Yeah. The whole time when you're on the production, people are like, you can't use that word. There's a show, I'm not going to name the show, my friend was on, that is incredibly like Taskmaster.

They were never allowed to use the word task. Oh, really? They were like, no, these are challenges. They are not tasks that we're doing. It's a bit like so i did dna journey on itv where you paired up with someone and then you did who do you think you are which is on bbc and you're on your own yeah so it's a bit like coca-cola or pepsi exactly and the other one is never mentioned on set yes i don't know what you're talking about i've never heard of

dna journey let's move on that's the classic thing isn't it though without you go to a restaurant where it's just pepsi will pepsi be okay but no one's ever said that about diet coke no no can i have a pepsi max and they go oh will diet coke be okay oh i suppose so are you a coke drinker i haven't got the odd coke zero lou i don't know if i spoke to you about this before he's an absolute fizzy drink fiend because she weren't allowed it as a kid. And now it's like she's an addict. I wouldn't buy it for the house, but she buys it in the house. It's in the fridge.

You can't, you burpee. I love fizzy water. Love fizzy water. Right, what are we talking about, Marnie? Love fizzy water. Love it. To the point where I worry about my teeth. Not with water.

No wonder you're stressed. No, no, no. You know James Gill? The comedy promoter, comedian, TV water. Yeah. Yes. A dentist said you're drinking too much fizzy water. It's fucking up your teeth.

You know what? Dentists can fuck off. He actually had two grand's worth of work. Oh, I tell you, he's been swindled. How much fizzy water is he drinking? Have you not kicked at his gig? He's doing it for's worth of work. Oh, I tell you, he's been swindled, mate. How much fizzy water is he drinking? Have you not gigged at his gig? He's doing about two litres a night. I told him about this ten years ago when we started gigging.

He goes to the shop and he buys a two-litre bottle of fizzy water, but like the cheap stuff from... Fucking treat yourself, mate. You've got Romesh playing at club every night. You must be earning. A two-litre bottle of the cheapest fizzy water there is. So God knows how they make it fizzy and then about eight bananas and he'll drink two litres of fizzy water before his gig and then about five bananas and he went i just have to before every gig i went that has to

stop i told him that 10 years ago why i mean because it'd be one day you can't get a banana or fizzy water and your head will go and you don't need it. It's just your brain telling you if you think you need it. And then his dentist stepped in. Now he's done two grand of dental work. What's it doing to the... Just like corroding the fizzy water. Bad for teeth. We're living in Toronto at the time.

Marnie Drew. Oh, I feel sorry for all of Marnie Drew's family that waited to hear this bit and we've done five minutes on tea fucking tedious bit of chat about a man they don't know eating too many bananas I do think though dentists are you know like it just feels like they love

telling you you're doing it wrong oh your teeth are dirty yeah they need a good clean yeah that's why I'm booked in for a clean yeah actually because there's bits I can't reach because you put a metal bar on the back of my teeth once about 20 years ago and now i get told off because there's shit around it we're not shit i'm not eating shit sorry josh guy i'm on jury we were living in toronto at the time and the short story is that the lockdown was too hard and we upped and moved to dublin right in 2021 after 11 years in canada i'm sc Scottish, my hubby is English.

Marnie's accent is a mix of Peppa Pig and YouTube. She sounds like nobody we know. Stay sexy and relatable, and Happy New Year from Lynn. Oh, I do think it was quite a hardcore lockdown in Canada, wasn't it? Trudeau loved it, didn't he? Did all the lorry drivers stop driving or something? Was that in Canada?

Yeah. I don't know. Who cares? Still, we got a podcast out of it yeah here we go marnie drew big up what's her son called uh no marnie drew's the kid oh fuck's sake who's the mum oh my god rob we got to the end of this now we're back in lynn lynn lynn drew lynn drew lynn drew nick Drew. Nick Drew. I recognise that name. God, what is wrong?

I'm in a weird mood, Josh. Yeah? Because I've not been working that much over. I feel like all loose. I feel weird. You get stand-up withdrawal, I think. Yes, I do. I've got a weird Lou gets the amp with me.

Yeah. I just endorse too much. How much stand-up do you need to do to keep yourself ticking over? Well, this helps doing this is sort of a purge gets it out of me then my dream job this is my dream job right josh okay oh thanks mate no not this my dream job would be it's not far off it i don't know what would have to happen for this to be ultimate dream stand-up wise my dream would be i'd do a gig monday tuesday wednesday 11 a.m at the bottom of my road to 2 000 people that changed every day yeah that's quite a hard ask just the

planning permission for a 2 000 seat of venue no you could move i mean i could drive for 10 minutes how far are you from the o2 about half an an hour with no traffic. Yeah. Would you take that? I don't think I want to do the O2 every day. No, no, no. It's quite big, isn't it? What's your dream theatre? Do you know my favourite theatre is Birmingham Hippodrome. Oh, yeah, that is nice.

Yeah, that is nice. It's lovely because it's wide and spotless. Because what I hate is when there's like an aisle down the middle of the gig. So, you know, there's sometimes like the big aisles in the bigger rooms, but Birmingham's like one big long mass. No one cares, do they? Do you know there's sometimes like the big aisles in the bigger rooms but birmingham's like one big long math no one cares do they do you know what rose said she likes this stuff where we talk like comics that's it yeah but oh yeah i don't know i love the birmingham hippodrome anyway because it's it feels like one big mass and it's all low and all spread out and like they're below you and stuff like that which is good so that's why probably one of my favorite

rooms london palladium again another good one we. We'll move on, Rob, from comedy. But can I just say on the topic. I've got a tour, my tour. I'm going to announce a tour soon. Are you going to announce your tour? Yeah, soon. Now? Not now, no.

Because I haven't got any dates yet. They're sorting the dates out. I've done the tour poster. Oh, have you? But I'm going to keep it a surprise. I wondered why you had a Hitler moustache. I just thought you missed a bit of shaving. No, I haven't.

I've got a full beard and I've got a pink inter-Miami top on. At the moment, not for the tour poster. No, no, not for the tour poster, no. That would be an insane decision. Their sponsor, AutoNation, on the front of my tour poster. No, that's just what I'm wearing now. My mate bought it. He's redheaded, and redheads can't really wear pink.

I can't wear pink. I can't wear pink. So he's given it to me, and he reckons it looks all right. Yeah, I think it does. Hand me down. I've got, can I just say on stand-up, and then we'll move on to parenting? Yeah, because you've got loads to talk about. Go on.

Oh, then we'll say what we're doing this week. What are we doing this week? We're doing two episodes which are both non-guests because we've both got so much catch-up to do. People come up to me, Rob, and say they're not fussed about the guest episodes. Well, it depends on the guest, doesn't it? Do you know my view?

My view, Rob. What's your view? I tell them to fuck off. They'll get what they're given. Oh, you've changed. No, I don't. I think longer term, you're much more likely to go

back and listen to a guest episode aren't you i don't know i'm employing my life philosophy to this show keep doing it yeah until no one turns up that's how i've approached my stand-up i like the guest episodes people don't dislike the guest episodes rob yeah they love the ones where me and you just talk about the birmingham hippodrome. I got humiliated in Screwfix yesterday. Did you? See, that's what people are fucking here for, Rob. Do you want to hear what happened? Yeah.

I think this may be boring. I got a gas canister from Homebase, right? Yeah. For my barbecue and pizza oven. Let's get a guest on. Let's get a guest on. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sharon Horgan. She hasn't got kids. She has. Has she? a guest on. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sharon Horgan. She hasn't got kids.

She has. Has she? Get her on. Get her on. What we should do is, well, why don't we, the people that we can't book, we should get someone like Matt Ford on to do an impersonation of them. Sharon Horgan lives two streets away from me.

Open the window and shout. Open the window and shout. So does she live near you? Yeah, I can see her house from my window. I wouldn't, they're not in a weird way. I've got Gabrielle Rio-Ferdinand and Nigel Farage. Have you? They're all within half an hour.

One of the delivery guys went, oh, hello, Rebecca. Oh, yeah. He went, don't worry. I won't tell anyone you live around here. You know, it's secret safe for me, mate. I know it's like privacy and all that he went yeah because I also do

Gabrielle Rio Ferdinand I was like well so you will tell people because you've just told me that Gabrielle Rio Ferdinand are on your patch incredible

anyway got a gas canister from my own base took it in because it wasn't working they went it's still half full I went well it's not working anyway back and forth

arguing arguing and then I literally there's not a story here, Josh. Is this when the podcast ends? Anyway, I went into Screwfix. Let me tell you about Screwfix. I went to Screwfix because I needed some tools to just do basics. Why have you told me about the gas canister?

I don't know. Because I went to go to get the tools from Homebase and sort the gas out. But then they annoyed me about the gas. And the tools for the gas canister? So the gas weren't working. And I went, can I went to go to get the tools from Homebase and sort the gas out, but then they annoyed me about the gas. The tools for the gas canister? So the gas weren't working, and I went, can I buy a new one? She went, this is still half full. If you buy a new one, you're going to lose half the gas. I went, yeah, but it's not working.

And she went, okay, well, have you tried it on another connector? I went, I've tried it on two connectors. I've got a barbecue and a pizza oven. It's not working. She went, oh, yeah, sorry. Well, there's nothing I can do. I went, well. Sell me a gas canister.

Well, I said i said well can't i pay for a smaller one and then you take this and then i'll take a bigger one and she went oh no not really i went well it's not working she went well i suggest you maybe go and try on a neighbor's one i went well i've tried on two what do we just keep going around the streets trying on people's barbecues hi i loved your single dreams can i try a gas canister hey ferdy what are you cooking on gas or coal i need to check my nozzle out no not actually coal farage don't worry about it no i'm good anyway so this blew my mind i said well it's not working and there's still some stuff in it so can you just swap it or whatever because it's like a faulty product you went well it's not working and there's still some stuff in it so can you just swap it or whatever because it's like a faulty product you went well it's not really our problem because we buy these

gas canisters from a third party then sell them to you i went yeah i know that's a shop that's everything in it you're not julux are you everything in here you've bought from someone else and now you're selling to me that's how a fucking shop works anyway then they spoke to the manager and they swapped it over said i went screw fix because i needed some tools just to do little jobs in the house tighten stuff up whatever what is screw fix screw fix is like argos for geezers right so i just realized obviously you mainly hear about screw fix in every advert break on talk sport but i don't think i've ever been in it is literally argos but for blokes and geezers and lads and trades people which are sometimes women yeah but mostly men with big knee pad things on and scruffy de wall but judging by where they advertise they've

targeted their market yeah i mean i look screw fix would have diversified as much as they possibly can but i think the majority of their people that come to listen to TalkSport, right? Yeah. So not just men, angry men. You're more likely to bump into Farage than Gabrielle. Yeah, yeah. Actually, to be fair, in Screefix, Gabrielle comes in here. Oh, my life.

Because he went, do you want to sign up with an account? I went, I don't want a trade account. Screw things. And he went, yeah, Gabrielle does that too. Keeps it anonymous. I was like, well, she's not doing a very good job. Between you and the delivery guy. Anyway. If you see Gabrielle, we'll have her on. I'd love a Gabrielle on.

I love Gabrielle. Big fan of Gabrielle. Gabrielle, come on. Yeah, but I don't want to start talking shot when I'm trying to check my gas canister on her. Do you think if you saw Gabrielle, is that a thing where, do you acknowledge the person? If you're off the telly or famous, you sort of do a weird nod with other people that are off the telly or famous.

It's a weird thing. It's like Beatle drivers, isn't it? So the first time I realised I was famous, when Joe Swash said hello to me like he knew me and he didn't know me and i thought right we're in here this is admit the swash seal but yesterday i was saying the coffee shop i won't name the person we've named everyone why not yeah why not all right bat for lashes the um you get a name i've no fucking idea Well exactly So she's a Back for lashes She's a

Well regarded musician From Yeah maybe in your street Yeah Back for lashes There she is Single songwriter Yeah

Yeah done So back for lashes Has walked in No she sat on my table Oh And we had a conversation Natasha Khan Why she sat on your table

Because there wasn't any tables So she went Can I sit here? Yeah Oh it's like Stella Street It's like Stella Street Such an underwhelming Stella Street

Me, Bat Falaches And Tommy Walsh He's got a kid Get her on Anyway But there was none of that I thought I know you're Bat Falaches

But you've got You exist in a world Where you've not seen Eight out of ten cats That's a countdown No I think She probably exists in a world where she thinks he probably won't recognize me anyway what i'm saying is rob gabrielle in screw fix would you say hello gabrielle would you reference the you're rob beckett and she's gabrielle the thing with gabrielle is you can definitely know it's gabrielle Yeah. Because of the eye patch.

It's quite. Doesn't she just have the hair over her eye now? Well, I don't know what she does when she's doing DIY. She probably ties it up in a top knot like they do in rom-coms. Big dungarees, top knot. Listening to some sort of funky. Listening to Talk Spot. You walk in, Gabriel's like,

fucking hell, what's going on at Arsenal? Mikel Arteta, get him out! Anyway, so I'm in there. Gabriel's there. Yeah, yeah. Simon Jordan. Jim White. We're all in the queue.

Adam Brazil's having a drink. He's clocked off early anyway though so a lovely in screw fix they said gabrielle comes in and she buys it anonymously as well i just went look i've moved out and the truth is i've never had a toolkit ever yeah nothing i've got like one screwdriver and i said i need stuff not necessarily for me to do stuff but if i'm for lou wait if like's dad's round or my dad's round, and they go, oh, I can fix that. At least I can go, oh, it might be in here what you need. Like having a first aid box. Exactly.

I went and he went, look, mate, I just need... He was really nice to me. He's called Rob, Big Up Rob, Elmer's End Screw Fix. I went, I just need a tool set. And he showed me this set. It was like 35 quid and it had one of everything you'd need, right? Yeah. And then I needed some spanners.

And then he started to sell me WD-40 because I've got a creaky door. Yeah, it's good to have some WD-40. Always useful. But the little ones were like 10 quid. I've got a big fat trade one. It was only six quid, but people don't want to buy stuff that's bigger. No, exactly, Rob. I've got a trade WD-40.

Did you ask what Gabrielle's got? This WD-40 without Live Me Gabrielle's got this WD40 without live me they'll use it on my coffin it is massive should I go get it does it go off

does it go off it's crazy there he is I've got my tools is that your tool kit I've got my tool bag as well mate right

I tell you what I was out of breath running then yeah it's a bad time over Christmas where do you keep your tool bag as well mate right I tell you what I was out of breath running then yeah it's a bad sign over Christmas where do you keep your tool kit at the moment on the kitchen table look at your little fucking

spirit level sticking out I've got spirit level mate spirits are high at the moment you can use your phone for spirit level yeah just like all the different like basic stuff you need right whoa look at that there's the little red straw bigger than my head wd-40 trade size i'm in the trainer 600 milliliters you're gonna lose that red straw you're gonna be back in screw fix saying i just want a red straw and she'll be going we don't just sell the

red straws well according to this it went out of date last August. No. I don't know if that was when it was made. That must have been when it was made. It can't go off. There's proper blokes listening to it. Gabrielle's probably laughing her head off listening to us. When's WD4 going off?

I've got no idea. It can't go off, can it? That must be when it was made. Anyway, I was in there. So I got me WD4. I got me tool set and some spanners yeah i would like i don't need anything proper like because they have sets in there for like two grand for like proper trays i don't know if i just need something that can help me do this and all that because i because i'm crap at diy and then another bloke in there went you're crap at tv presenting as well oh no oh that's a shame i went i'm not really bothered

i keep getting rebooked i'll take that yeah and then from the back of her dreams i bet you wouldn't say a crap at singing to gabrielle but i feel quite intimidating in those i find like even i'm quite laddy but in those situations i'm on high alert because it's like alien territory there'll be loads of sort of, geezery blokes with big, strong fingers. Yeah, big old fingers. They're just going to tell you stuff. And also, that level of banter, which is like, you're shit. It's sort of like, oh, okay.

That was a punter, not a worker in Screw Fixer. On the subject of big old fingers, Rob. Yeah. Can we talk about The Masked Singer? Yes. We have to talk about The Masked Singer. My daughter's got into The Masked Singer? Yes. We have to talk about The Masked Singer. My daughter's got into The Masked Singer.

Who's her favourite? So, I got her message from Joel, Rob. Joel Dommett? She fucking went mental for it. Oh, because he's a post of The Masked Singer, so she loved it. And she loves Survivor. Does she? No, not...

Come on, Rob. She's quite young for that young for that is it i didn't think that was a kids program no she likes like those kind of reality she likes strictly she likes a competition my kids love the mamma mia program valen car she watched that no but she would love that so listen to this joel dommett here host of the master singer and survivor i hear you're a fan and i just wanted to send you a message to say thank you so much for watching both of them it's incredible i really appreciate it uh i'm also a big fan of your dad huge fan he is, from my perspective, one of the coolest people in the world, in the planet. He's the coolest guy.

And so sometimes, you know, if you're a daughter, you don't know that about your dad. And I just wanted to let you know that I think your dad, Mr. Josh William, is one of the coolest men alive. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. I hope to meet you soon. Bye bye. He's. Happy New Year. I hope to meet you soon. Bye-bye. He's such an accomplished liar. No wonder he couldn't present

TV so well. About a minute later we received a second video. My wife said that I should add, your mum is also the coolest person. You get the gist. Well done, Hannah. Good save for Joel there.

So the reason I was alerted to the Masked Singer so quickly this series is my friend texted me and said that he is certain that Bigfoot, the character Bigfoot, if you don't wear the Masked Singer, it's people dressed up in funny outfits, they sing and you have to guess who they are. And they're famous people. Obviously Masked. And what I'd say is,

it's normally almost impossible to guess. Everyone, loads of people have said it's been me before and stuff, but it's so hard, it's impossible. However, I'd say this series, there's a little gap of light through what was once an impenetrable wall of mystery. Yeah.

We're talking Bigfoot here. We're talking Bigfoot. If you're at home and you're watching Bigfoot, it's Alex Brooker from My Compadre from The Last Leg. Yeah, and Bigfoot is the one that's got a cast on his leg. And the person in the costume singing sort of bounces on one leg to the other as if he has got his own prosthetic leg. And then he talks through a song with the exact voice of Alex Brooker. But he won't admit it to me. So I've texted him as well.

Complete denial. Complete denial. He refuses to accept that it is him. It has to be him. If it's not him, I will go on The Masked Singer with my dick out. Still wouldn't be able to guess it's you. But he's refusing to accept it. Yeah.

And I need it said on record now. You've spotted him. I've spotted him. Not just me spotted him You've spotted him. I've spotted him. Not just me spotted him. Everyone spotted him. Well, the thing is, there's not many celebrities with his kind of accent. You know what I mean? No.

That sort of estuary. Not many people make it onto the telly from like Chatham or where's he from? Rain, around that way, isn't it? Ashford. Ashford, yeah. Around that sort of mid-Kent area. Yeah. With that estuary accent.

And because I love Alex, I wouldn't call him a natural singer. Well, according to the way the votes went, he's a better singer than Dionne Warwick, who was eliminated in week one. Ha ha! Who are we to judge? Who are we to judge? If it is him, if it is him.

We think it is, so we'll find out. I have to tune in to find out i messaged him saying i'm actually get paid to go on the mask singer and do you not get your full until it's revealed in case you tell people because he is not and he's a right old he'd tell you anything and he would tell you anything he's keeping shtum i'm very impressed because if it wasn't him i think he'd go in overdrive and go that bloke has got my exact voice yeah who the fuck can it be look the way he moves as well it's so alex brooker yeah there's also a clue when he's does his video and he says he's in a forest and he says i'm friends with the

hills oh adam hill and i thought well that's not true. That can't be true. Have fun. Sorry. And we all enjoyed it. He's actually got a crutch. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. How's your week been, Rob?

It's 35 minutes in. Right. I'll tell you a few things I've been up to, okay? Yeah. Before Christmas. I never told you about this, before Christmas... Yeah. I did a corporate gig for some sort of estate agent's firm.

Yeah. Guess who was in the front row, sat down at a table? Phil and Kirsty. No, someone who has no connection to estate agents whatsoever, but has a connection to this podcast, very loose. I'll give you a clue, massive microphone. Roger Black? Roger Black.

What? Roger Black, he's an ambassador for this company last gig before christmas who lou fancies lou fancies he come over roger black and said hey rob it's roger black do you know what so attractive so handsome he came in he's about six foot three for For some reason, I thought it was my eye, I thought it was a little fella. I thought it was a little skinny fella. He's tall, wiry, looks like the kind of person that would do really well on Total Wipeout. Yeah, yeah.

Or Ninja Warrior. One of those sort of wiry, lightweight but strong guys. He's won a silver medal at the Olympics. Yeah. Very sporty. I reckon he'd be good on Ninja Warrior. He's an Olympic medalist. Anyway, roger black came over absolutely handsome devil lovely guy really hi how's it going i'll send my love to lewin rose when yeah i bet you do you little dirtbag and then he went yeah we're

just here we work with the ambassadors for this company corner i went we he stands to the side steve backley is that one of josh's fever dreams yeah incredible steve backley's there what would you say steve backley good on ninja warrior do you know what i think he'll do well but i just think he's so big and strong yeah yeah sometimes that can hold you back when you need to do the agile bit big old and that that javelin didn't stand a chance he'd be fine in screw fix wouldn't it i'd do great in screw fix um yeah so it was really really weird seeing roger bloke did did you did you reference his exercise equipment to him no there were moments where the only people laughing in the room were steve backley and roger bloke i'd say that happened a lot gentlemen great great guy Great guy

Absolutely great guy I wanted to ask about Elf on the Shelf You don't do Elf on the Shelf do you? No because you warned me against it Yeah then I felt like I was being a bit of a grinch But I think most parents give up halfway through But yeah you're supposed to do a Did you do it?

No no I didn't do it We don't do it I don't know if I felt bad No because have you done it before? Yes, and I was working lots. I think it would just filter loo. So is it just moving an elf around all the time? Yeah, so basically every morning the elf's in a different position

doing something naughty. Bloody hell, mate. Barking in the field like a deer. But you're not allowed to touch the elf if you touch the elf it ruins the magic kind of thing so so you have to wait till they're a bed to sort of move it every night and stuff like that wow wow warning trigger warning okay yeah trigger warning guys so yeah i want to ask about that but that feels like we're in january now i've started i've started watching i don't know if i'm a fishy and old man but i started

watching war documentaries josh oh no i've watched that one on netflix i, I don't know if I'm a fishy old man, but I've started watching war documentaries, Josh. Oh, no. I've watched that one on Netflix. I didn't know anything about the war. Yeah? I won't tell you the result. Have you got to the end? No, but so I knew that Germany invaded Poland.

England were fighting them. And then Britain, yeah. And then America joined in. I didn't know Japan was involved. Wow, yeah, yeah. Japan gone to Pearl Harbor, Rob. Yeah. Russia?

It was mental, wasn't it? Do you know what? Jesus. It got out of hand, didn't it? Oh, mate, I was watching. This can't have happened, can it? So which one are you watching? Oh, the one on Netflix.

But I spoke to my mate who loves war he always what and he was like that's such a basic bitch entry oh is it it's like it's sort of like if you've never known anything about war it's your basic six episodes does all your major points the world of war is the one that people talk about a lot but it's like 27 episodes oh no i don't have got time for that i just sort of i smashed through it in two days um yeah over christmas um we didn't i didn't talk about copenhagen did we or going to when did you go to copenhagen fucking weeks ago i just can't even sort of remember what happened before after christmas it's before christmas bloody hell how was it it's good though really good

kids like it um kids absolutely loved it i would i would reckon... We went to the Tivoli Congress Hotel, which is sort of like 20 minutes from the airport. If you stay there, you sort of get a ticket into the park, which you get, like, ride... You get to unlimited rides. Is this Legoland? Food. No, it's the Tivoli, which is like a little theme park.

Right. But what I'd say is the most magical and Christmassy place I've ever been. So if you had young kids, you could just fly in there. It's only about an hour from London. Fly in there. Go straight to this Tivoli Conference Hotel thing. I'm not being paid to say any of this, by the way.

It's not like an advert. I just went and then just do two days at Tivoli. And it's proper Christmassy and magical. And there's enough stuff in Tivoli, like gasoline grill, which is like the burger place that the bloke from Noma started. So there's enough sort of copenhagen-y stuff in there so it doesn't feel like you're just going to thought park and visit london and then if you want to do an extra day you could sort of do a day around copenhagen but

my kids don't really care do you know what i mean they just want to go on rides and eat have like hot chocolates and stuff but it was amazing but everyone thought i was danish was it was christmasy so the most christmasy place i've ever been I think. And they all thought I was Danish when we checked in. Cause of the way you look. Cause of the way I look. And I had quite a longer beard at this point as well. She's checking me in and she started looking a bit weird. And,

and then the, the, the woman behind checking went to Lou, is he, is he, and Lou thought she was going to say, Oh, is he like off the telly?

She went, is he Danish? And Lou went, no. She went, he's doing, he's doing went no he's pretending to be English I was like she was like what I thought he was just pretending to be a Londoner

she was like no he is she went oh a lot of people thought that in your first TV appearances then when I was in this restaurant everyone come up to me speaking in danish and i was like oh english i don't know they went english and then this bloke took a chair because he wanted a chair and this bloke next to me big old he went viking boy it's quite fun yeah i can see you look very danish have you got any Nordic, any Viking genes?

You've been on DNA journey. Yeah, I don't know. I think I might have on another side, on my mum's side, but I never really covered my mum's side on that DNA journey. Oh, I was in the soft play the other day, Josh. Yeah. We were trying to tie the kids out, took them soft play. Then my daughter was in there, who's six, okay?

She's very chilled and very caring and calm. And we went in in there and then she i went in to try and find her tell her her food was ready and there was like an 11 year old kid in there that was like on the border of being you know it says max height for the soft play yeah he was on the border of being too tall for this like i couldn't go to him you're too big get out but he was you could argue what and uh he went oh just so you know that she hit us and pushed us off this so she could have a go just thought you should be aware oh my god and i was just looking at him and i was like first of all what kind of passive-aggressive shit is that yeah just so you're aware secondly you're twice the size and you've got three mates

if she's beating you all up and chats them off either she's the next ufc champion or you're four pussies how like even forgetting gender four on one and with a five-year age gap from six to eleven's a big age gap and he's cubed this kid, and he's in there trying to get in the ball pit. And I was just like, oh, yeah, right, whatever. I was like, all right, Asher, yeah, whatever. I didn't know what to say, but I was like, that must be bullshit. She knows. I didn't know what to say.

Oh, that was amazing. Three more bits and then we'll do some correspondence. Right. So I've got this new game that the kids love doing, which is quite fun. It's quite good to practice meditation, Josh. Are you ticklish? Yeah. Right.

So I am. I'm ticklish on my feet. Yes, feet kill me. So I sometimes rule that out. But I'm still quite ticklish. Someone gets my sides or my neck. Yeah. So I've got a situation

where my daughter will wake me by tickling my foot right that's horrible that is I am ticklish but my son who's obviously

two and a half yeah he will tickle me and he's he's shit at it I have to pretend I have to pretend he's just kind of saying tickle tickle i'm rubbing

his fingers on my back and i'm like this is doing nothing it's actually quite nice yeah i have to freak out like i'm being tickled so so we i do the ticklish i go again i go to a game where i sit there and i get my i sit like quite calmly and try and do deep breathing then i say to the girls i'm not ticklish oh yeah and then that's like the common to and try and do deep breathing. And then I say to the girls, I'm not ticklish. Oh yeah. And then that's like the common to them try and tickle me. And it's quite good because actually if you just deep breathing and just try and distract from the tickling, you can not react for quite a long time. And then they go skits because they're like, he's not ticklish anymore.

And then they normally resolve to the feet, but that's the only one i can't just completely tap out actually around the neck and all that the thought of it's worse than the actual tickling so i thought it's quite a fun game to play yeah i'm gonna try that with your own kids yeah yeah let's get that clear before you start to get a sleepover around come on girls i'm gonna do that ask me for i won't i won't have done it by friday hopefully it'll go better than socks in the bath where your kid just this time oh yeah yeah this time next week i'll i'll do i'm not ticklish okay that's how it goes um a couple other things were was uh so lou's

sister's moved into this flat she hasn't got kids but and everything's very like aesthetically a house is beautiful and it's all like lovely calm palettes of like different colors but they all match and it's all very like beige and brown and light blues and past and you can see her out you feel like that's such a calm lovely place and she was like was like what do you want for christmas she went well do you know what i'm trying to get artwork for the walls um and stuff it's really expensive not so much i like but um if there's could the girls paint me something from like so give them if i get my canvas can i just paint something for

the walls and she was like yeah it was like yeah okay if you want like we can do that they love painting yeah cool so if they could just pick from this palette and it was like and i was like do you know what fair play to her on that I like it she knows what she likes yeah so she said I like really like light pink and blues yeah

so my I wish I still had a picture of it I have to find it my daughters got this canvas found the brightest pink and the brightest blue like it's sort of like

from a so if you if you're opening a candy shop on Oxford Street it was that bright like this pink into Miami cover of my tour poster pink yeah

and they just one of them just wrote pink and blue on it but that's such a lovely non-kid way of like if i give them like a their kids will do whatever the fuck they want they're not sticking to a color palette do you reckon it's going up rob do whatever the fuck they want. They're not sticking to a colour palette. Do you reckon it's going up, Rob? I don't think so. I think it will sort of... I don't think so.

I think my... I don't know. I don't know if it's gone up. We'll have to ask. But I don't think it'll go up. They've done... They've done some ones for me, actually, for my...

Got to see my ones. Oh, yeah. My office. I'm going to take it down and put them up. They've done these, but it's very much... Oh, that's nice. They've got...

What have they got here? They've got Lego. They've written Lego on it.'s very much. Oh, that's nice. They've got Lego. They've written Lego on it. Love. Love. Rainbow. Nice. And a sun that's also a basketball, because I like basketball.

Oh, that's good. And a football next to it. And then the other one is a heart in a rainbow. Lego written on it. Heart, a sun that's a football. So, yeah. I'll stick them up behind me at the office. I fucking love rainbows, don't they? a son that's a football so yeah kids fucking love rainbows don't they my daughter

draws rainbow after rainbow after rainbow they love them love the rainbow they love a rainbow I think it's because they get to use lots of colour right yeah did I tell you about going to the dump before Christmas as well no I've got to going to the dump before christmas as well no

oh i've got to go to the dump this weekend i can't wait do you know what it was so liberating christmas week there's a great vibe everyone did tell me about this you did tell me fucking loved it um anyway wait i've told you about this yes let's i'll tell you what let's do a quick bit of correspondence should i do it uh yeah you do it here we go. Why don't you do it and then we'll do a small biz as well. Uni drop-off stories. Here we go. My mum had a friend whose son went to uni. A couple of weeks in, he started to run out of clothes.

So on Sunday, he filled his washing basket and headed to the laundry. At some point around lunchtime, his mum called him to check in, see how he was doing. He was clearly a bit distressed at his laundry situation. When questioned questioned he said he'd been there half a day spent a small fortune and still had a long way to go slightly confused my mom asked what he was doing to which he replied he was just following her instructions after from some discussion it transpired that his mother's advice to which she thought uh was a

semi-competent human being was simply follow the instructions on the labels. Well, most labels included the instruction, wash separately. It turns out he was using all six washing machines, putting one item of clothing in each and then waiting to do the next round. They do say that a lot, don't they? At the time of his mother's call, he was on his third rotation of all six machines, but only washed 18 individual items of clothing. From Giles.

Do not iron print. I've just seen what the instructions are for this. Tumble dry low. Tumble dry shrinks everything, doesn't it? I think they're a waste of time. It's fucking shit i think it'll waste the time but pants and socks apart from pants and socks yeah kids clothes i just don't think it's worth it no it's not especially those ones we had a washing dryer i was like it takes

forever you can't dry something in something that was wet no the heartbreak when you realize you've shrunk something and you try and wear it and try and convince yourself you haven't and you know it's too small now. Another correspondence? Let's do one more. Why not? Shall we do January birthdays in honour of your daughter's not your daughter's, in honour of your birthday Rob which is in January. Oh yeah yeah my birthday

January 2nd it's been and gone. Hello you sexy and relatable trio. I was just listening to the post Christmas catch up episode where Rob said that any birthdays after the 10th of january are pretty much a write-off so i'm going to 40th tonight this is january the 6th as we record this rob oh god who's doing that you just feel for the bloke every year no no one wants to go out tonight if you did a poll of the country no one would go do you want to go out no why because i'm skinned from christmas i'm fat and i'm on a diet i'm doing dry january and i hate people

also i spent too much time with people over i need to watch mars singer and get to the bottom of who bigfoot is but easy is 40th but yeah just sort of... Yeah. Don't bother, mate. I might drive. Yeah, if you're not drinking, definitely drive. You'll be able to get a park in there. God, we're boring. Fucking hell. Fucking Nora. Fuck.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This is only going to get worse. I started it. I said I might drive. Who cares? No one at home gives a flying fuck if I'm going to drive to Campbellwell.

That would be three days ago. The only way that is an interesting bit of the podcast is if I'm killed in a road accident tonight. And they hear me and you agree that it's a good idea. That is the only way. And we put this podcast out in tribute to me. Yeah. Oh, how would I get to replace you? Well, that we'll see on Friday.

Yeah. It's a half hour drive. There's no traffic. You'll be all right. It's Blackpool Tunnel. Okay. My birthday is the 10th of January. So very much at the end of Rob's cut off point

But I'd make the case that we're still very much in the bracket with this story For my 8th birthday I was having friends and family around for a party When my parents realised they'd forgotten a birthday cake My mum In her panic Instead of nipping to the local shops And there was definitely enough time to do this

Badly re-iced the half-eaten christmas cake and presented it that is awful oh my god that is bad isn't no january's arrive also as well for i do think for adults really just your birthday no one gives a fuck no um just who cares it going on let's just spend any money and go on holiday. Alert if I've said this before about January's birthdays. But on that Christmas cake re-iced, I've got April birthday. When I was a kid, occasionally people get me Easter eggs. As a present? As a present.

No, that is not acceptable. That is not acceptable. I agree that is not acceptable. Because I think they look quite big, but they can be quite cheap sometimes, can't they? You can't always have a big present. Here's your joint Easter and birthday. Because you're not getting me an Easter anyway, mate. Also, I don't really think you should buy kids Easter eggs.

It's just so much chocolate. Maybe get one. Easter Day is fucking mental. It's just unacceptable. The amount of chocolate. Just have one really nice one right let's stop now this is i feel like with two old men we are two old men i mean we'll be back tomorrow friday will there be a guest has this been a small business have we oh my word small business

here we go hi rob and josh mom of a two and three year old here and an avid listener of your podcast i would love a small big shout out for my saxophone business that i set up in the summer of 2022 when i was off work with glandular fever sounds like a simpsons episode now if you're looking to add a touch of elegance and soulful melodies to your special event look no further than mrs sax uk with a passion for music that knows no bounds make sure you spell that right in google hey i'm sure they'll still have a passion for something that knows no bounds. Make sure you spell that right in Google. I'm sure they'll still have a passion for something that knows no bounds. Oh, Mrs. Sax UK. Mrs. Sax UK brings the magic of the saxophone to life in the heart of the UK,

whether it's a wedding, a corporate event, or any celebration. Mrs. Sax UK's smooth tunes will set the perfect ambience, creating unforgettable memories and moments that will last a lifetime. Instagram, Mrs.axUK. Thank you, Charlotte. Big up, Charlotte. MrsSaxUK. Now, Rob, I've seen your skin tone in that pink top. Yeah, yeah.

Hello, Rob and Josh. I'd love you guys to shout out for my small business. I'm a mobile spray tan expert based in west mauling but originally from orpington stroke petswood okay find me on instagram under jennifer stowers tan feel free to book me if lou or rose want a winter glow i spray tan men too i will happily offer 20 off any listeners that quote parenting l20 thanks so much and happy new year from West Morling, Kings Hill. Do you know where West Morling is? Yes, it's not too far.

Well, there we go. If you look brown on the Friday one, then we know that you've... Just pop around there. Yeah. I'll tell you what I might do is go and get a spray tan and hire Mrs. Sachs for an afternoon of smooth grooves. Exactly. Perfect.

What a day. What a day. All right. We'll see you on Friday. Right. See you on friday right see you on friday bye if you like josh widdycombe you're in luck that's because the co-host of parents in hell and the last leg maestro is the guest on the first episode of the always be comedy podcast

out now and with me your host and m MC of Always Be Comedy, James Gill. Each week, the cream of comedy curates their fantasy comedy gig. Who'd open? Who'd close? What gig nightmare do they never want to relive? All this and much, much more. It's essentially comedy gossip and chat.

You know, I remembered this the other day. My first ever gig. It was like Friday night open mic night and they said we'll just announce you on when you're on we haven't got a running order it's a bit free form

I got to the end of the night and then they wrapped it up and they'd forgotten to put me on and I'd sat there the whole night we've also got Stuart Lee

Harry Hill Jen Brister Ben Bailey-Smith Maisie Adam Almarie Rachel Parris and many, many more coming up. That's the Always Be Comedy podcast, out now with new episodes every Tuesday.

Do you ever feel like topical comedy only ever tends to come from one angle? Well, I'm Geoff Norcott, host of What Most People Think, and my show jokes about all sides. Jokes about Tories, jokes about Labour, jokes about everyone. If there's any Lib Dems listening, there isn't. With returning guests

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Sometimes we'll make good points. Sometimes we'll make cheap jokes. But whatever we do, we'll be trying our best to get to the heart of what most people think.