Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP13: So Rose is away...

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening Caleb, can you say Rob? Rob. Beckett. Beckett. And Josh? Josh.

Whittacombe. Whittacombe. Oh, very good. Really good. I like that one. One of the best for ages. I don't know if I could say of all time. They come so quick and fast, it's hard to remember them all.

It's difficult to nail down the Hall of Fame, isn't it? But it's a good one. A lot of great energy. Because I feel like you've heard of radiators and drainers, haven't you, in life? Heard about this? I can tell what that means. Yeah, there's sort of people that you leave after time with them,

you feel rejuvenated. And there's people, oh, bloody hell, that was hard work. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And I'd say we've got a pair of radiators there. Yeah, big time. Absolutely sweltering. I'd say you don't want to be with them in summer.

It's two-and-a-half-year-old Caleb finally getting to grips with the names. It took a lot for me not to scream with excitement after he'd done it as we've been practising for a long time. Stay sexy and relatable. Thanks for years of laughter and mediocre anecdotes. Lots of love, Danielle. That was with practice. Actually, I've gone off it.

She's 366 months, which is what i thought caleb was a boy lou wanted to call if we had a boy no danielle is the mum okay kaylee lou wanted to call a boy caleb if we had a boy caleb is the uh is the lead singer of the kings of leon caleb follow will and it's from, oh, some book Lou loves. East of Eden, is it? If you say so, Rob. She's got a tattoo of East of Eden. She's got a tattoo of East of Eden? Not the whole book. Absolutely.

Like a prisoner. Like a prison. Like a prison. I don't know what it is. I've promised to read it, and I've been reading it for 15 years. East of Eden. Surely there's a film, isn't there? Yeah, but even that's too long.

But it's so... It's a classic. It's a classic, Rob. If you like descriptions of meadows, fucking hell, Steinbeck. We're in the countryside. I get it. Let's get moving, boy. Let's stop fucking about on the way the crops are moving in the wind i'm back i've got some really good

news for you go on there's a section of the east of eden novel wikipedia page that's the whole plot right do you want to quickly get with me through it now um well no spoilers for anyone who's reading the east of eden i mean surely that we've gone past that now it's not traitor series two we're like you if you've not read it no one's like i'm getting around to that but yeah if you're in the middle of east of eden i'll east of enders that's why my printer's making noise you can't hear it i've just set up my printer i'll talk to you about that in a minute um have you seen it it's printing out the east of eden no right so all right well i'll tell you about the print

and then you can tell me what happens in East of Eden. I can't, Robbie. The plot is still a thousand words, even on Wikipedia. I mean, do you know what I mean? Even the Wikipedia version of what's going on is too long. Read the first three lines in the last three minutes. Samuel Hamilton is a warm-hearted inventor and farmer.

He sounds like a nerd. Go on. He and his wife, Lisa, immigrants from Ireland, raise their nine children on a rough, infertile piece of land in the Salinas Valley. As the Hamilton children begin to grow up and leave home, a wealthy stranger, Adam Trask, purchases the best ranch in the valley.

Sounds quite good, actually. So Adam, who's the rich guy that's moved to the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. His two kids are called Aaron and Caleb. Right. After characters in the Bible. Right,

of course. And that's really, oh, Adam's sons, Caleb and Aaron. Yeah. Echoing Cain and Abel grow up oblivious to their mother's situation. Bit of an odd choice for Lou,

isn't it? Her favourite book of all time also this is what i'd have to do if i went on that sarah cox book show they always ask me to go on that yeah basically all they've got to do is read three books and bring it if i love your favorite book of all time i can't go on there and blag that i've read these three books and i certainly can't whip out my copy of Hard Bastards by Kate Cray the daughter of one of the Crays I think it would be very on brand

you'd be sat there with fucking well that's the problem isn't it because that is actually I love that I found it hilarious that book and if I whip that out no one's going to take me serious but that is I can't change my favourite book well exactly so Simebeck, East of Eden, Caleb out no one's going to take me serious but that is you know i can't change my favorite book anyway yeah so sign back east of eden caleb print right i had to sell my printer josh is anything more annoying than typing in a 15 character password into the screen of a printer

capitals lowercase numbers you know when it's the long one it's not your own one right and then it went do you want to print a a report into the wifi logging in I've always gone no but check out this wonderful yeah I do actually so I've got the report here

do you want me to do you want me to run through I've got a report of what my printer did on the internet so it says check network connection, check result, pass. It's also, though, I just thought it was quite nice to have a bit

of paper saying you've passed something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Prime that, put it on the wall. What have you done today? Oh, bloody hell, I had a bit of an arm. Passed my network connection on the old printer. Yeah, pass network is working correctly. Yeah, if your problems persist, checked items, wireless network name,

check pass, communication mode, check pass, security mode, check pass, MAC address filtering, check pass, security key slash password, check pass, IP address pass, detailed IP setup, check pass. Well done. That's good, isn't it?

I've got my network numbers. Oh, yeah? Do you want to know my IP address? Probably shouldn't give that, should I? No. Is that bad? It's like giving out your sort code, but in virtual reality. I don't know, isn't it? How are you meant to know my IP address? Probably shouldn't give that, should I? No. Is that bad? It's like giving out your sort code, but in virtual reality.

I don't know, isn't it? You're meant to give out your sort. I don't understand this thing with banking, where you give these, you keep all the stuff to yourself. Yeah. And then you'll, like, phone someone up, and they'll ask for your bank card, and you just read it out to them, because you're buying a...

A Chinese. Yeah, I don't know who you are. When I get a takeaway, I always think, like, if you're booking flights or something you have to ring up a travel agent i'm like well this should be okay but when you like ordered a chinese i remember when i was ordered chinese one so i was like can i make my card and yeah just read the card i was like really like it's a big risk isn't it for a bit of salt and pepper rib um the signal strength excellent so there we go oh well just if anyone's that's proof that i've

passed if you want there we go josh that's done. Just if anyone, that's proof that I've passed, if you want. There we go, Josh. That was really good. So yes, good morning so far. Good morning. Good. How are you? I suppose I should start by saying that I met Gabrielle. Yes, you were on the Graham Norton show. You're an absolute celeb.

Did you see, though, the TV Guide report? Someone tag me in the TV Guide for you. No. It basically was like, Ian McKellen and all what he's been in, and what he's starred in. Michael Sheen, what he's been in, what he's starred in. Gabrielle, hit album, Back on the Road. And then at the end it just went, Josh Riddickham, comedian, also guests.

Comedians are treated like absolute shit. I mean, get the world's smallest violin, but in the world of TV, the comedians are treated like absolute shit i mean get the world's smallest violin but in the world of tv the comedians is basically absolute pieces of shit just chuck them on at the end to try and keep it going if it gets quiet yeah yeah if you could chip in we're like the fluffer we're like we're like the bloke in a porno that stands there and have to go in and start wanking a bloke off if he loses his wood yeah that was a problem with ian mckellen actually but he's 84 he's 84 it really made me laugh when you text me saying i must be the first person in history to go on graham norton and talk to someone about an anecdote of

them in screw fix that doesn't involve you it's just my mate i speak to once a week was in screw fix not with you have you got any good anecdotes josh well actually i haven't but um i'm willing to repeat it you're a master in getting something out of nothing that was unbelievable she's she's up for coming on the show she doesn't give out her address to screw fix that's why she remains anonymous that's what she was saying but they told me anyway but so you did you chat to her after the record yeah she was uh i said uh so she's heard it through her son listening i think her son played it to her yep um and uh she was very up for coming on the podcast.

She's lovely. How do you not know what a podcast is? A podcast. It's like a singer going, got a new albumina coming out. I'm sorry, album. Sheenie's up for coming back on as well. Sheenie? It's good when you get these people, you're like, I can corner them here.

Also, I know they're on promo. Yes. So you know they've got something to flog. They've got something to flog. Do you know what? corner them here also i know they're on promo yes so you know they've got something to flog they've got something to flog do you know what i don't you know i get it we do loads of promo we've got something to follow we've got smart tv that's going to be on telly soon end of february is it 28 28th of february i've made that up yeah uh something like that robin ramesh formula one episode that's on soon my tour's going on sale now rob i should say obviously it's lovely to have you on the show yeah because you're on the show uh have you got anything to promote oh thanks josh for having me

on your podcast to promote this my tour is now on sale josh oh what's it called it's called giraffe it's called giraffe because you love the world-themed cafe. No, just I love giraffes and the poster's quite funny. Yeah, it is a fucking great poster. You've seen it, haven't you? I've got a long neck and hooves. Yeah. So the tour, it's going to be a worldwide tour, Josh.

The tickets are available now. How do people access tickets, Rob? Well, there's like a pre-sale and stuff so what i would suggest is go to robbeckettcomedy.com yeah all the gigs are listed on there and i would recommend signing up to the mailing list because we will mail out a pre-sale link so if you definitely want to get tickets sign up to the mailing list you'll get an email with a link to the pre-sale so that you can get some good tickets before they go on general sale on Friday. And because we love our listeners,

this is genuinely the first announcement of it, isn't it? Yes, so this is the first announcement. Before the press release, before we've, this is now the place. Before Zoe Ball starts fucking sniffing around it. Jonathan Ross pops his fucking nose in. This is down to the hardcores the ogs so i'm all over the place i've got the list of this is quite bad though i don't know what ones are there's some i can't announce i can't announce them so if okay basically if on the list scott if scott if there's

the full scotland dates aren't on there and basically scotland manchester and london if they're not on the list don't panic they're going to be added but it just we couldn't get it signed off in time for this week's announcement but there will be manchester london and scotland dates i'm all over the place do you want to see should i read that do you want to read that do you want to uh steve wright r.o.p wonderful man steve wright it should i do the steve wright uh oh i love steve wright fucking love steve right right here we go let's try to read some out you're doing plymouth haste i don't know hastin stevenage

chatton watford crawley swindon peterborough lincoln crew leeds dartford truro torquay torquay yeovil basingstoke norwich ipswich stockton kendall birmingham york cardiff south end northampton guildford cambridge milton keynes wolverhampton stoke-on-Trent, Canterbury, York, Stockport, Reading, Portsmouth, Liverpool, Southend, Oxford, Woking, Belfast, Derry, Dublin, Poole, Swansea, Coventry, Halifax, Newcastle, Hull, Leicester, Bristol, Scotland and Manchester will be added to. Eastbourne, Brighton, London. That made me excited. That made me excited. That made me excited to hear about all these. I can't wait to see it. Australia to be announced.

Australia to be announced. So if you're in Australia, do not buy tickets to the UK thinking that you can't come to Australia. Don't fly over especially. Do not do that. But if you're in Plymouth, potentially look at Torquay. Look at Torquay. Anyway, that's my blank. So

robbeckincomedy.com. I'm very excited. I love it. Oh, congratulations. And it's an honour to be the go-to place for comedians to announce their tours. If any others want to do it, then you know we're here. As much as I love podcasting and I love doing telly, stand-ups,

when you've got a proper tour that's absolutely smacking it there's no better feeling so i cannot wait so i'm buzzing to come up please buy a ticket when does it start you haven't really said the dates rob it starts november 2024 this november it starts and then that spreads out through the whole of 2025 and into 2026 i'll be doing it for a long time and uh yeah and more days will be added yeah and there's no you know it's just funny no politics none of that shit because if you were worried that i won't book it he's probably gonna be too political for me have you seen the hooves in the poster uh rob and uh one last question yeah do you talk about your children i do talk

about them but you know what not as much because I feel like I talk about them so much on here but yeah I do talk about a bit but not as much it's not like if you're worried

it's just all going to be about kids it's not there's all other stuff so it's a break from chatting about kids but there'll be a few stories in there

don't you worry brilliant go to robbeckettcomedy.com sign up now you're the first to hear about it guys yes get on the mailing list and buy a ticket

thanks guys now let's talk about kids can i tell you about my daughter's teeth yes please that's what we're here for she lost two last week oh no was it just they fell out or she ever she ever ran she's in the house so obviously okay oh yeah it's half term isn't it yeah yeah trigger warning tooth fairy etc so my daughter had two teeth fall out I forgot to tell you this last week she had one fall out

when we went to you had a busy old week you had like worms nits and teeth falling out it's like Angela's ashes I think I've got worms again Rob I had a bit itchy bum this morning, but I don't know. I had an itchy bum. I can't get it.

I had an itchy bum at night, and I was like, are they coming out? Yeah, but then you see your head. An itchy bum can just manifest mentally. I feel like I've got it off you, but I've only seen you on Zoom. You can't get worms through Zoom, can you? Crawl down the Ethernet cable. Just manifesting. Because people think they can manifest success.

Can you manifest worms? Because it must work in the negative as well as the positive. You know, when people manifest, they think... As well as the what, Rob? The positive. When people go, when I become a multimillionaire, when I'm a CEO, I go, when I've got worms, when I get worms, is that the law of attraction?

I'm going to try it for a week and see what happens. Okay, try Manifest Worms. That is a trick, though. If you're going on like a chat show like that, they always chat you about what you've been up to, any funny stories and stuff like that. I had some really funny photos of me as a teenager, and it was sort of because it was probably in my book,

and they were in that, and I said, well, why don't you ask the other celebrities if they've got photos of them as teenagers and then yeah i can bring mine out at the end and that'll be the punchline because theirs will probably be cute or they're silly handsome so getting them and they did that and then that was an easy little bit of work for me so you can sort of manipulate it in the chat yeah this is my view on promo yeah just you don't need to go on and on about your thing just talk about it for a minute and then be funny for the rest of it yeah and if they like you they like you cut there's no

difference between minute two a minute eight of your promo you know because i also think as well like you is you can't really win someone over on a chat show no you can't do a big sell you're not on the fucking apprentice they they want to come and see you on tour or they don't want to come and see you on tour sometimes they don't want to come and see you on tour but they're still there because someone has a spare ticket or their partner that's the worst one you work in a room you sold it out there's a load of blokes and their arms cross going i don't even think i promise she's probably better i don't know get that not for me

and then the other ones you've got to win over I think I can I'll get them eventually whereas what I do is I go

I don't want to win them over I'll just get through the night well that's what I think is hard in Liverpool and Glasgow

because they're brilliant they're really funny cities and they're brilliant I love Glasgow I love it as well

because they're all funny but they've got really high standards but also the difficulty is there's a cockney up there. Deep down, the last thing someone from Glasgow or Liverpool wants is their favourite comic to be a Londoner.

If you strip it back and be honest, they don't want that. Ken Dodd and John Bishop thank you very much. And Kevin Bridges. Anyway, let's go back to Two's get let's go back to two fairy oh yeah let's get back to two fairy so she lost a tooth in caboo when we went there last week yes and we put it in a cup next to the power plant okay interesting two at once okay

the old dungeon estess dentist and she oh by the way there's been a development on my do you remember my grandad that died of cancer that you thought was funny well

I didn't think that was funny well let's play the tape out now but I did laugh when you mentioned it but the way you mentioned it I think for new listeners

I think that's unfair what did you say you said because he got he went to he went to one of the first nuclear tests because he was in the navy yes yes anyway uh i just i saw my mum this weekend and he's in we can get a medal for uh a posthumous medal for his uh work going to that test all right Doesn't really pay us back But there we go No What kind of

What is it Sort of Sort of like Glowing in the dark Sorry It's a real shame that Rob It's a real shame Sorry

I'm really sorry Yeah I'm a bad person No it's fine It's fine So you got Weddle for bravery That's nice So you can get that I don't fine. It's fine. So you got one medal for bravery. That's nice.

So you can get that. I don't even know if it's for bravery, just for doing it. Oh, just for being there. You have to sign a disclaimer saying that you won't see the medal. And this is the end of it, right? Yeah. Okay. You can't mention this on podcasts anymore.

Yeah, so pop that on your shirt and get out of my office. So I put the tooth in a mug because it fell out. Then we were leaving and Rose was like, where's the tooth? And I was like, oh, fuck.

I thought I remember washing up and thinking, what's that thing in the bottom of that cup and then washing it out. Oh, Josh. So what have you done? I thought I remember washing up and thinking, what's that thing in the bottom of that cup? And then washing it out. Oh, Josh. So what have you done? Then I went and told my daughter.

Then Rose went, looked in the sink. Somehow it was still in the sink. Right, okay. One of the greatest moments of my life. One of your worst performances as a dishwasher, though. Yeah. Anyway, we go home Another tooth falls out Due to, she was on our floor

For some reason this week Can't remember why, oh she was ill She was ill My kids have been ill for the I'm better than last week, I was a mess This week I'm just constantly ill There's something wrong with them all the time I am always ill at the moment And I'm like, last week. I was a mess. This week, I'm just constantly ill. There's something wrong with me all the time. I am always ill at the moment.

And I'm like, what am I doing wrong? God. Exactly. And then I feel a bit better. I wake up and then like, all right, I cannot breathe out my less nostril at all for today. I had a coughing fit at the Focus Group Awards 20th anniversary on Friday night.

What? It was on stage? Well, because there was a bit of hubbub. You're having to... I've had a sore throat every evening for about five evenings. Yeah. And you're like, there's just something, you know, it's just a bug or whatever. 100 day cough, you had that in your house yet? No, what's that?

Well, what do you think? Come on, mate. We're just cough that never goes, essentially. So anyway, two teeth. We put them under her pillow. She puts them under her pillow on Saturday night. Go up there. I've got my two pound coins.

I actually went to bed, Rob. Turned off the light. I was dropping off. I realised I'd forgotten that was a fucking close one. Oh, God. Right, so you managed to get... So a quid for a tooth you're doing in your house. We're doing a quid for a tooth.

Put them under, get the teeth, fine. They're in the bottom of my sock drawer. Don't really know what to do with them. Bin. Bin? Have you not heard of the word memories? Not teeth memories. So you're keeping the teeth?

I don't know, Rob. They're just in the bottom of my sock drawer. Have you done what to do with them yet? No. Okay. Anyway, she wakes up. She's like,

oh, there's only one quid under there. I know I've left two, Rob. I can't say. No, she didn't lie. It's got, it's fallen off the bed or something.

Oh, she took it and went, oh, she only put one. Trying to see if she'd get any more out of you. Oh, do you think that's what it is?

Potentially. I'm not, I'm just saying. You don't think she's that clever, Rob? Well, she's six or seven. They get sassy, mate. Do you think?

Yeah. This is what I'm struggling with at the moment. Yeah. Physically, I'm sort of getting enough sleep to a point. Never enough with a kid. You're up at six every day. But I'm not doing night feeds like people with little babies. So we're not as exhausted as we were through that stage.

That's gone, thankfully. The odd night, I had to sleep in our bunk bed the other night as well because I was out of the box. Classic. And now my problem is I'm mentally weak. Well, you've always had that issue. Like Balotelli, can't get my head together for the big game. They will run rings around you and sort of lie and be a bit cheeky

and they'll push the boundaries. That's what's difficult at the moment is them arguing with each other and then take the piss out of us mentally by going, no, that's not. Or they'll go, mum said I could. And that's a lie. So you may be getting to the stage now where she's lying to you to get another quid. It was difficult because I wanted to to it's impossible to go you're incorrect because i put two quid under

the pillow you can't go or do you put another quid on the pillow of a note saying sorry i forgot oh you just go you only ever get a pound in there mate she's too here we go she's too small to carry more than a pound so you have to do it one night then the next night so two nights in a row maybe do that

it's too late now yeah too late game over yeah well we got stitched up in America where like

we only had only had like five dollars yeah and then I forgot three nights in a row so I had to put down and then

we remembered and we were just going to bet all I had was twenty nine dollars and then we remembered and we were just going to bet. All I had was $29 and she got $20 for one too. That's the most I've paid, which was mental, but I couldn't have forgotten three nights in a row. No.

And there was no other money and I won't go into a cash point. You're not going to go and break it at a 7-Eleven, Also that's why I always go, Oh, well I'll look after it for you. Then I just spend it. Yeah, of course.

So it's not actually, it's staying in the family. That's the other thing go, oh, well, I'll look after it for you. Then I just spend it. Yeah, of course. It's not actually. It's staying in the family. That's the other thing. Let's be honest. A quid to my daughter is quite difficult to spend, actually. Yeah. So that's the thing. Because you want them to understand money and pocket money

and getting money and earning money and spending money. But they're still a bit too young to really comprehend how much stuff is. Yeah, of course. And also, everything's so expensive now. If they're, I want to go and buy, okay, well, you have to do quite a lot of work because that's £20 what you want. Yeah. Well, do you know what?

So we were watching The Masked Singer on Saturday. Oh, yeah. Still up in the air who Bigfoot is. Still up in the air. So was it this week he'd sung Backstreet Boys, which is Alex's favourite band? Yeah. He sung Backstreet Boys and he sung Never Forget

can you bet on Masked Singer I don't think they'd be accepting bets on this can you imagine the odds do you know what

if it was if it was 20,000 to 1 I'd still put every penny I had on it or if it were the other

whatever it is I don't understand 20,000 to't understand yeah on I'm terrible with betting when it's like 5 to 1 you get 5 times the amount if you get that right but when it goes like 3 to 4

I'm like come on mate give me half a job what's that 11 to 10 what's going on just call it can't it that? 11 to 10. What's going on? Just call it. Can't it just be 10 to 10? Then I understand. Can't it be half over one or something?

Yeah. Anyway, so what are you doing about the team? Oh, no, we watched the last singer. Oh, yeah, sorry. And this is on money. And she was like, I was in a good mood. And I was like, yeah, why not? There was a text competition, Rob.

Okay. So she was like, can we enter? I was like, oh, go on then. Don't enter those. If we win, Rob. Because she thinks she's entered. She's going to get 85 grand on an electric Mini. So that's what she spent her pound on?

No, she just, she was like, we were watching The Masked Singer. Yeah. I had a great evening because it was gladiators into The Masked Singer and I love both those shows. Brilliant. Brilliant. And so I was just like, yeah, why not? What am I going to do if she wins 85 grand?

Well, you'd put that into like an ISA for us, wouldn't you? Yeah. You're straight on Martin Lewis lewis like i'm fucking like shit off a shovel big dog ml what am i doing with this pension for the kid thought so but then it's unfair on her brother that she suddenly got 85 grand because because he was too young he was was asleep. Well, that's his problem, mate. Look, life ain't fair. That's the problem with kids. They're both going to go in their own ways.

They're going to be more successful or less successful than one another, all depending on different things, monetary, life, happiness. And the bleak saying, which haunts everyone, you're only as happy as your unhappiest child. Yeah, correct. So it's a high stakes game it is and if she wins that well maybe she could give him the electric mini but then she shouldn't have to it's her quid she has no responsibility to her brother um rob i hear

that you've got a rivalry with stephen bartlett now oh no i just well I did I'm basically I've been getting back into TikTok yeah and Instagram because um I've got a tour coming out look Rob yeah I I respect you I thought you were going to pretend you're getting back into TikTok and Instagram for other reasons we're all on it because we've got a fucking tour to sell yeah exactly I was only messing about so I've been doing loads more videos and stuff and I've been Lou leaves those are cardboard everywhere so I've been doing some of that yeah that was good i like that all that kind of stuff and tiktok as well because you've got you've got to be in it to win it got to be visible and all that um anyway i did a video which caught quite funny because i'm steven bart it does him heel adverts all the time and i know

we have done a heel advert but like it's constant on youtube we enjoy a heel rob i enjoy a heel i don't mind a heel i'm not holding a bottle of it talking to a nutritionist am i you know and then his advert pops up all the time. And I just put, quick question, does anyone know if Stephen Bartlett likes heel? It's just a bit of a fun throw. It's got millions of views on TikTok and everyone's giving him a load of shit, which I don't agree with, but I'm not in charge of the comments, Josh. No, you're not in charge of the comments.

I'm just like a beef with him. No. I like Stephen. I find his podcast a bit full on for me. Like I find it quite intense where I'm a bit more of a keep it light kind of guy. He's not as much of a laugh as us, is he? No, but that's not his thing, is it? He's certainly got more money.

He loves data and marketing. He loves data. And investments and stuff like that. Yeah. Well, I don't really give off the air of a businessman. So my office, for example, I got it knowing it needed to be painted and refurbished a little bit, and I've not done it. It is disgusting.

No shit, Rob. I can see your picture. If that was the boardroom in The Apprentice, Alan Sugar would be – he'd be laughed out by the fucking contestants, look behind you you haven't even managed to foam up the whole wall, yeah and I've put some things in there I know, I can't be bothered but it's basically, you know when like

in a romcom someone gets dumped and then their mate goes round their house, it's just full of like pizza boxes and despair, that's what it's like and I was just thinking of that, if Lou left if me and Lou broke up and I went into a bachelor pad it would be horrific Lou makes everything so nice and so homely and so lovely but I'm just an animal yeah left to my own devices but oh I'm sorry I need to get a swanky office that's what I need to do then I'll get funnier there well I always think though I won't be funnier though will I

no exactly funnier because they're not they've got better decor no exactly if anything rob they're less funny well exactly that's what i think keep keep it real mate keep it fucking real keep it back keep it to the streets um enough enough bartler yeah how are your kids how are the kids all right no so the kids are fine all good it's half term so they're bickering we've worked out it's quite good to split them up so So if me and Lou are off work the same day. Go man to man. Yeah, man to man, Mark. So also, I've started doing this now as well.

Rather than going, oh, what should we do with the kids? Go, well, what do I need to do? I need to go and get my hair cut and I need to go to the bank. So you're just coming with me. Old school parenting. You're coming with me for the day to do my chores. The other one's going with your mum. That's what we're doing.

Blue had to go and do a blood test. You go into the hospital. Oh, it's boring in the hospital. Well, tough shit. At least they're not pulling blood from your arm. All you've got to do is watch it. Yeah, I'll be honest with you, mate. In the years to come in your life,

you'll be delighted with boring at the hospital. Exactly. But it's quiet time. So we've been doing that, which has been good, to be honest. That's good. Did your daughter enjoy the bank? That's the kind of thing I'd have enjoyed as a kid. Well, yeah.

And then the hairdresser. Yeah, it's like growing up and you get them to do stuff. Like, you know, put that balaclava on, get the gun out, and then we're done. They took that iPad to the hairdresser. Just shoot him in the leg. We don't want a fatality. We just want them to know it's serious. Yeah. As long as they don't try nothing, you don't need to the head. Just shoot him in the leg. We don't want a fatality. We just want them to know we're serious.

Yeah, as long as they don't try nothing, you don't need to do nothing. Just remember that. The gun only comes into play if they want it to. It's not my problem he shot himself. That's it. They can clear that up when we've gone. Yes, he will actually have therapy for 40 years after this,

but that's his problem. Don't work in a bank, that's what I say. Don't play a five if you don't want to get burnt. Now, put that in the old oil and let's get back to the motor. But, yes, we've been doing that rather than, because I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to be like, we must have a week of entertaining stuff, you know, because we've still got our own lives to get on with and stuff to do.

So, I lose to them trampolining today, though. Oh, yeah. And then we need to go Ikea, so we're going to take them Ikea one day, on Friday. That's going to be a fun trip. So, I'll tell you about our half term. Yeah, go on. Little catchphrase. Oh, go on.

Rose is away. Oh, is she? Yeah. Absolutely. Actually, I think you should now start going roses here because that's that's the new bit of information we just assume she's not there so roses away monday tuesday right okay it's good timing for her in it couldn't wait until next week no and my daughter's gone to my daughter's going to her

Rosie's mum's oh okay so it's just me and the little guy so how long for what couple of nights for

well I obviously fucked up forgot I had a gig tomorrow night okay where are you gigging Stonely and

New Malden fair enough yeah I'll be honest tomorrow night. Okay. Where are you gigging? Stonely and New Malden. Fair enough. Yeah. I'll be honest with you, Rob. I completely forgot how Rose was going. And my day tomorrow is... So you've got no childcare

for your little one? I have, but in the day tomorrow. Right. So you were going to write some jokes, get ready for the gig? Well, I had gym at 7.45 a.m. Not happening.

No. Cancel that. Then I've got this at 12.30. That's fine. Osteopath, 5 p.m. Yep, cool. Cancel that. Gigs in the evening.

Had to cancel that. So you cancelled the gig as well? No, I managed to get childcare for the evening as well. So Rob, I'm on Easy Street. But today, I've got the house to myself and in the evening, I've got the house to myself

and haven't got my daughter. So it's just get my son to bed. That's earlier. Yes, of course. What time does he get out of bed? Eight. Eight. So quite late.

I know. Tell me about it. It's quite late for a two-year-old. Yeah, yeah, it is, yes. What time does he get up? 7.30. Right, okay. So at least he's sleeping in.

Yeah, yeah. But then that's a bit annoying, actually. If you've got to get him up and out for school, it's like... I know. You'd rather six or seven till six or seven, wouldn't you? I don't know. We haven't got that option now. No.

Does he still have his naps? No. He does at nursery and then our life is a living hell. Oh, because you won't go to bed when he gets home

from nursery. Yeah. It's quite difficult to say to nursery, you know when everyone else goes to sleep, can you keep him up like he's a prisoner

under interrogation? Yeah, yeah, that is a bit unfair. If if it's all cozy and all dark and they've got something like that lovely little nap all your friends are going to sleep we're going to take you outside so what are you doing what are you doing from eight o'clock then what's your evening uh i'm gonna watch uh get back the seven and a half hour documentary about the beatles making uh let it be oh, that's too long. But Rose won't watch it with me. So I just watch it whenever she goes.

They can't be that good, the Beatles, can they? I know, I do like them. I'm not having a go. I like the Beatles, but seven and a half hours of... I love it, Rob. Because they're just, what I love about them is they're so unprofessional. They're just not doing their work

and they sit around, they're drinking constant tea. I love that them is they're so unprofessional. They're just not doing their work and they sit around and they're drinking constant tea. I love that bit of it. You're like, there's Paul McCartney having a cup of tea at the height of his fame.

I tell you what, if you love people being unprofessional and drinking tea all day, go and work at the council. There he fucking goes. Five days in a row. Here he is, LBC.

I worked at the council, mate. Fuck me. Feet up central. Broadly County used to have a pub in the building. I did a road safety course. So we were building up to this course where I worked as a temp office person. And we had to do a road safety seminar seminar like thing at local school to be like you mustn't cross road you know like telling the kids to be careful on the roads right so it's quite

when you first learned your love of being on stage oh yeah no but i know i was just doing all the part i weren't on stage we'd booked speakers and the police and all that we were just running like the admin anyway that was the first day on the friday like we'd done a couple of hours work sorting out emails and then she was like my, oh, should we go for a bit? Should we have a little drink at lunch to sort of celebrate, you know, doing the thing? I went, all right. So we went to the pub.

I bought like a sandwich or whatever. Did you want a beer? I'd have four pints of Stella. I had four pints of Stella in an hour and a half. Went back to work. I was flying. I used to... I couldn't deal with drinking at lunch.

No, well, I couldn't either. Once I couldn't deal with it, I was off my head. But the work did nothing worse than sitting at the door of the Explorer magazine, getting a hangover at 4pm. I used to get battered. I used to go to the pub and have, like, four pints at lunch when I worked up in Kentish Town. But I'd do that Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and then go out after work as well. I think I had a problem, Josh.

At the time, it felt like I was a laugh. I'm just a laugh. Right, a couple of other things I want to chat to you, Josh. Yeah, go on. I've got a couple of problems. One is, well, a cute thing my daughter said. She tried to do a karate kick to me and nearly kicked me in the nuts. And she went, oh, I nearly kicked your front privacy.

That's how I'm sort of Victorian. Right, so my problem is... People do wonder whether your children are posher than you, Rob. Yeah, they are posher than me. They've got to say, your front privacy is really... Too posh, if anything. My local fish and chip shop is outrageously good josh and it's a problem really so i have to drive past it yeah and the last three weeks when it's been cold and rainy i've gone and got battered sausage and chips and eating in the car alone

oh my god are you sure lou hasn't left you it's so nice so josh and i what time of day do you ever see crete in the car no not really it'd be like four or five ish where it's like nice though Josh and I what time of day is this do you ever secretly eat in the car no not really it'd be like four or five ish where it's like I haven't probably had lunch

this isn't part of your dinner well it depends so mate normally I like don't eat in the morning and sort of fast and then break my fast about 11 or 12 ish

but and then I'll be driving only be cold and wet and I'm fed up and I think I'll just get a lovely hot bite and then I have it open and I can put loads of salt and vinegar on it oh yeah and I just sit in the car of a podcast and like smash it back and then I go

home and I might have something a bit light later on but it sort of is my dinner are you telling Lou what you've done I'm not I'm not lying about it but I'm not offering up the info so if yeah if she said I can smell salt and vinegar would you say ah i'd go yes i had some salt vinegar earlier and then leave it at that and she'll go crisps i'll go no and then i'll leave it at that yeah chips and battered sausage pardon well i ordered battered sausage and chips if that if that changes it but yeah so that's a problem i've got at the moment where are you sitting in in terms of the chippy yeah are you literally outside

this is quite difficult the parking is basically you can park right out the front of it but there's only like two spaces but you're pulling on to what is almost like a drive outside a house like in front of the shops you're allowed to park on that um so i want to get it from there i don't want to eat it in there yeah and i don't want to eat it in there. Yeah. And I don't want to eat it in the car facing the chip shop. Yeah. So I then get it, reverse out, and then try and park on the road somewhere.

Yeah, yeah. But the only place I could find the other day was in front of someone's house over their drive. So then I'm panicking eating it, that they're going to come out and go, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm trying to eat fish and chips. There's going to be a murder in the area,

and then you're going to be stood in a witness stand yes what are you doing there just something to go just listening to diary of a ceo and eating bad sausage and chips being told that i should have a little zoe patch on and drink yule but i'm eating bad sausages it's a bad like a sausage is bad batter and it's mental What am I doing to my body? And how do you feel in the hour afterwards? At the time, I feel like I'm on another,

I feel like I'm on another planet. I feel like this is, this is it. This is living. And after, when there's still that, that, that film on your fingers,

because the chip fork broke. Does the, does the car smell? Yeah. Really bad. I don't know if anyone else secret eats in the car. If they do, let us know what you do. It'd be good to know.

Yeah. Right. I tell you what, there's a couple of other things I want to run past, Josh, but I'll do it on Friday. Right. Josh, let's do a quick small business. Okay, I've got one. I've actually been sent one by someone I know, Rob.

Can I? Go on. Yeah. This is from molly my little brother ben 292 months old his dad to leo 30 months and toby nine months is a huge fan of the podcast i'd love to give a small business shout out to his one man gardening business ben's gardening services he is here for all your gardening needs in and around bambury in the oxfordshire area. Lawn mowing,

pressure washing, planting, weeding, or if you just need your bush trimming, he's your man. Bit of fun there, isn't it? Bit of fun, yeah. You can follow him on Instagram at Ben's Gardening Services. Thank you. I love that. No, actually, he will hair clipper your pubic

hair. Yeah, he will. That wasn't it. he will he does do that yeah he will take a razor to your genitals as well if needed that wasn't a bit of small business um oh i've got this one kimberly nixon who was a guest on the show um she said um she well she said can you give these guys a shout out it's pandas underscore uk it's mental health support from conception birth and beyond and it's free um it's got you whatsapp services and stuff like that um basically it's a fantastic parental service for both mums and dads and it's free if you guys could tag them on an episode of give

them a shout out um they're all brilliant volunteers who have been through it and more people should know they are there no matter how small your struggles so kimberly obviously spoke about having a lot of mental health challenges after giving birth. And I think pandas underscore UK on Instagram can help you out. The free service for people struggling with having kids. So that's a great shout out for pandas underscore UK. We'll go back to yours. So do keep sending them in guys.

Yes, please send them in. Thank you very much, Josh. I'll see you on Friday. See you on Friday. Big one. Please send them in.

Thank you very much. Josh, I'll see you on Friday. See you on Friday. Big one. I'm back with a brand new season of the behind-the-scenes TV and music podcast Soap from the Box. And it cheers us up and it gets us through the day and it sets the tone.

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Season six, Soap from the Box, out now. Hello, I'm Giles Brandreth. What's the very first thing you remember? That's the question I'll be asking my famous and fascinating guests in Rosebud, my new podcast about first memories and first experiences. My first memory is handing my Auntie Muriel a piece of turd. Other guests include Dame Judi Dench, Alison Hammond and Rory Stewart. Download and listen wherever you get your podcasts.

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