Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP15: "Have you ever been maced?"

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with harrison can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Beckett? Can you say Beckett?

Beckett. Can you say Josh Whitacombe? Josh Whitacombe. Good job. How about you, Max? Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whitacombe?

Josh Whitacombe. Good job. Oh, God. Good job. America is so say Josh Whittacombe? Josh Whittacombe. Good job. Oh, God. Good job. America is so exciting, isn't it, Josh? Rose was so, she was like, I just loved Jason Bell. So American and positive. Oh, even just there, the positivity was just pumping into my ears

from that lady and her kids. I know. Who was it? My name is Kelsey, and this is the recording of my three-year-old son, Harrison, and my six-year-old son, Maxwell, saying your greeting. I'm a huge fan of the podcast and of both of you. Give me a much-needed break to stay at home, Mum. Thanks for all the excellent content.

Keep up the good work and stay sexy and relatable. Any guess on the state? Oh, it sounded quite slow and like sort of West Coast-y. You're wrong. It's Philadelphia. Oh, okay. It slow and like sort of West Coast-y. You're wrong. It's Philadelphia. Oh, okay. It couldn't be more wrong. It could be.

Oh, that's exciting, isn't it, Josh? People across the pond. I've had a nightmare start this morning, Josh. Oh, here we go. The boiler pressure was low. Oh, no. So no heat in some cold um and um what does that mean if you have to get a bloke out no not even i can do that oh

i've never seen a female gas fitter but um you know it's not you know that's not our industry to push it on do you know what i mean? No. This is all I know about boiler. When the pressure's low, there's a knob somewhere near your boiler that you twist to let water into the boiler. It basically means there's not enough pressure in there. But I don't know what pressure is really. Why does it suddenly happen? It feels like pressure's just water because all I'm putting into it is water.

I don't know why. It says the pressure's low, but I have to put more water in, so surely the water's low. Isn't it? don't know can i can i ask you a question about the boiler go you know that boiler uh i don't know where yours is but i've got in my kitchen right yeah big kind of white cube basically yeah is that the thing that's heating the water yes really that's heating the water? Yes. Really? For the whole house? What else is doing it, Josh? What else is doing it?

It doesn't feel enough. So basically that bought us out of a massive kettle, didn't it? Is it? Well, I think so. It just boils all the water and then it makes the water in the pipes hot. It just doesn't feel enough to me.

Well, what happens with that big white cube is josh is the situation i'm in was the pressure's low aka the water and on it is like it used to be like that my new ones it's not enough knobs on the boiler for my taste no they try and keep it as simple as but i need more buttons i need more buttons to say i've got more options when it goes wrong. I don't want a touchscreen on a boiler. I want it to look like an aeroplane cockpit. I want, but so my old one used to have like, it was like a proper little bike tyre pump thing. So you could see it go up because it's literally,

it's almost, I don't know what the word for it is, but it's actually involved in the water. There's not like an electrical, like technological, it's like there's something like in water and the ball makes the thing go up it's physical a ball or whatever it is right yeah so i like that because it's it's real it's analog it's it's natural what i've got my new one is like a digital screen so the pressure's like a phone battery but what it does is i turn the pressure on slash the water tap, and it goes up, but it loads like a computer screen. And I'm absolutely paranoid that I'm going to fill it up too much

because the computer screen's not going to... It's not immediate. Yeah. Because this is where it gets dangerous, Josh. You do not want to overfill because if you've got too much pressure, you have to... Yeah, the house explodes. Well, you have to bleed the radiators.

Now, that is a job beyond me. I have never bled a radiator. I don't want to bleed anything. No. So that is when you've got to then basically stick screwdriver in radiator and let it leak. Yeah, yeah. I've never done that.

No, I don't want to get anywhere that is and someone out there is going to earn a lot of money for doing fuck all and good on them good come in boy come in mate probably someone went to school with get down there do that laugh at me to your mates for how much you've charged me for an easy job and go down the pub and enjoy yourself you've earned that i've got two things on that kind of situation yeah one this radiator next to me here you can actually see it in shot yes uh i haven't been able to turn it off for two months and i've been meaning to get around to it no wonder you look quite hot and flustered on the show yeah and i need to get around to it oh god you're you're a ticking time bomb now because it's been all right the last couple of months.

I've just been opening the fucking window above it. I'm like, the money this must be costing me. So does that go off when the house... Yeah, yeah. It goes off when the house heating goes off. Yeah, but I'm boiling in the day in this room. Right, okay, so... I can't turn it off, so I just open the window.

Or you can't make it cooler. No. No, right. It's on or off, and it's just on. I can't even work out which way is off. I've tried it so many times. Right. So it's on or off, so you can turn it off.

We're getting the house. No. All the others are on or off. This is on. Right. What I mean is this hasn't got a gauge of it's either hot or cold. Right. Yeah, but that's on or off on it no no well let me finish

our radiators have got an issue we need to get attachments that give you radiance so you can get some heat rather than yeah so you can go in this room it's a bit warm so let's twist it down yeah yeah yeah but as an exception this one also doesn't turn off right okay so that one you can't adjust when there's no you can't adjust any of them right you can't adjust any of them but when the whole house heating goes off yeah does that one turn off does it stay on i don't know because i'm never in this room but i'm presuming it absolutely i love the way you've not even checked but it's always hot in that room it's on my list rob so i'm just opening

the window now do you know what I love about this is I know you well and I know how your lists work yeah you'll be sat in that room

with a radio air and a heat wave in about four months time and it's going to be absolute gold oh god well every time I work in that room with a radio on and a heat wave in about four months time and it's going to be absolute gold oh god well every time i work in this room for more than a couple of hours i just go bright red like i go downstairs

what's above that on the list like pick up the kids from school prick up prick up do work my job is above that on the list this look josh you're a bit cranky because you've got a busy day let's face it we found out about this last night yeah you're trying to manage your work-life balance you've got a bad neck talk the talk this through your day today day. So I've got this till nine to 12. Three hours. It was going to be four hours, but we took an hour out because of your day. Yeah. And then at one till five, I'm doing a voiceover.

Yeah. Four hours of voiceover. Come back, do bedtime, out to a gig. It's too much, mate. I know. And now your head's gone and you're sat next to your radiator you're clicking your pen you're supping your tea i've got nothing tomorrow nothing you got tomorrow off oh that's good and when's rose back she's here she didn't sleep in my room last night

she didn't sleep in your room not our room um can i talk to you about some something else that uh is an odd job man thing or a job woman yeah i love the way you tie yourself in gender knots yeah um our uh microchip cat flap is broken right we're gonna have to get someone out to do a whole new cat flap aren't we you can't change your own cat flap can you do you know what i think you could change your own cat flap what i wouldn't do is cut the hole for the cat flap that's why i can't be anything that involves cutting a hole or putting a nail in a wall or panic but if there's something that could be removed and then replaced i'd have a go at that would you but then i'm in a glass door

but then what I'm worried is You've got to have a big hole in your house So loads of cats are coming in Yeah So is it properly broken or just need new batteries? I'm having to let Beryl in and out like Like it's his 80s Yeah like we work in a hotel

So yeah She's coming and going Remember when we first started comedy We used to go to horrible little guest houses where it was like you're not allowed in after 9pm you're like fucking hell mate I've got to go and do a gig that's the only reason I'm here oh god if you come in after 9pm

ring the number but rather you didn't oh great to be here me casser is sue casser did I tell you about the place i stayed at oxford once where um no it was eight quid a night in oxford city center and i found it in a newspaper right um how old am i by the way it was just in a newspaper my first time comedy get there why weren't why were you staying in oxford i had a gig in oxford and i had to go up north after and i had zero money i was getting paid like 15 quid

to do the gig and but it's just what you had to do wasn't it right i paid 15 quid to gig eight quid i thought i'll say well i'm like if i was better at maths i'd probably be about seven or eight quid up here um and um i went up to the door, centre of Oxford, old house, beautiful old house, opened the door to a bloke in his 50s. He went, oh, for fuck's sake. I went, oh, I'm here because I've got a room. Yeah, I know you are. She's left it in the paper again, hasn't she? I went, what?

And I don't know what he was talking about. He went, oh, I live with her now. Basically, this woman used to run a guest guest house and now she's really old. Who do you know phoned up in advance? Yeah, she answered. She sounded fine. All right, yeah. And then he was like, oh, well, you're here now.

I have that room. So who was he? One of the other guests? No, the son who's now looking after her. And he's like, oh, God, he thought he'd shut it all down. But I turned up late and we were just going there and he was livid with me because he was just livid with the situation and i remember i was hanging out it was the bedroom mate it was i felt like an evacuee it looked like something from the 40s and then like in in the morning

i was in bed in my pants and he the bloke just walked in just walked in with some toast went there's your toast but not like i'm standing in a hotel toast but you got toast with it yeah there's your tea there's your toast got to be out by nine oh my god anyway sorry that was a flashback for the past ever told you about my trip to Wrexham. No, go on. If I told you, interrupt if I've told you about this. So, I'd just gone pro, I think. Sorry, just a funny turn of phrase. As if, like, there's no, it's in comedy. It's not like you signed for a club. It's just like, you slightly, you know, what is your own interpretation.

I quit my job. You quit your job. Yeah, I'd gone gone pro i was on 80 quid a week and i'd gone pro exactly because the problem is you go pro yeah it's one of the one of those jobs where you go pro and your earnings go down oh yeah i mean i'd argue it's one of the only jobs in the world where anyone can go pro as long as they've gone on pro yeah yeah well i've earned no money or anywhere else so what i mean is I just lost my job. So I'm going to Wrexham to do Wrexham University.

Yeah. Which is now a nice tour gig. I love Wrexham. I feel a bit sorry for Wrexham because the Welsh don't really accept them as Welsh, even though they are Welsh. And England are like, well, you're Welsh. And they're in the middle going, we just, we don't know. We're just, you know, we're nice guys. We can't know where we are.

We're kind of American now, really. But so it's 9pm the gig, Rob. I'm getting like one of those fees, 127.50 we used to get. That was the bonus. That was the upgrade for the 106.25. Yeah, 106.25. Which I think they still pay which is can't be okay we that was 15 years ago it was on 106.25 well i'd i'd have taken that back in the day happily i uh yeah not now though it's not two packets of blur pack in it yeah good point good point so i go on the train website. Every train is 90 quid. I'm like, fuck it.

Except the 9am to Wrexham, which is 20 quid. It's like just the one. So I'm like, I've got to do that. So me. So you've got the nights of the gig. You're there all day waiting.

Yeah. Me and another comic. Go up, get to Wrexham 11am. Yeah. go up, get to Wrexham 11am. That's how I like to prepare for a gig, get there sort of nine hours early.

Just have to kill time in Wrexham. We end up sitting, why? It's just in the Asda cafe for about three hours. And then we go to a different supermarket. Because this is what I used to do when I didn't have any money, Rob, for dinner. I'd go to the supermarket about 7 p.m. And I'd get the bread from the bakery.

And then I'd get some cheese from the dairy aisle. Like what had been reduced? Yeah. And then I'd kind of just make kind of sandwich. That was my dinner. And then we got to Rex from about 7pm. You still got a full loaf of bread? Still got a full loaf. No,

I'd get like a baguette. Do you know what I mean? Okay, right. Like, like I was going to the beach. Do you know what I mean? Yeah,

like you're a Spanish man going to the beach. Yeah, exactly. Get there, the headliner who, who had got the job late and said they needed someone who could drive back. And he said, yeah, I can drive back. Turned out he was doubling it, which means for listeners,

doing two gigs in one night with Liverpool. He was doing a gig in Liverpool and then he was coming across. To Rexham, right. And then was he going to drive you guys home? Yeah. That was part of the deal for him getting the gig. He's late because he's coming from Liverpool and obviously he's late. So he doesn't

go on until about 11. So the gig starts at about half nine in the end. He's been there 12 hours. About 15 students in a student union. And then we get in his car and he drives us home and he's like, I'm going to drop you in Enfield, which is where I live. And you're like...

Oh. That's not really London, is it? It's not fucking London, mate. You've got to be at least at a tube stop. Yeah. Drops us in Enfield. He says you can get the N29, the night bus. Where are you going back to?

I lived in Manor House at this point like Finterry Park oh not too bad though it was 3.30am by this point we're driven by

I got dropped I did Eastbourne I got dropped at Vauxhall train station at 1am and I had to get the fucking night bus

back to Bromley so because me and Matt are very polite station at 1am and I had to get the fucking night bus back to Bromley. So, because me and Matt are very polite, we have to go, we have to get off in Enfield, wait for the night bus at the N29, get on the N29, 3.30am. One of those bendy buses back in the day. Yeah. Five minutes in, some youths get on. Oh no.

Yeah. And they're pretty, you're like, oh, God, these guys feel pretty edgy. What time is this? About 3.45 by this point. About 3.45. Oh, yeah,

because your rectum's a long drive. So you've been on the road 24 hours nearly after your early train. Almost, yeah, yeah, yeah. They get off at the next stop. Yeah. Suddenly I can't breathe.

Suddenly no one can breathe. And these guys have maced the bus. I mean, if you're going to mace a bus, why not do it to some city workers in London? Not some poor bastard trying to get back from Wrexham after being underpaid. Making about 30 quid on the day. So you had to get off the bus?

No, because the reason they'd maced the bus, people believed, because luckily it was a bendy bus, so we could just go down the front and there was no mace down the front. Have you ever been maced? No, no, and I haven't, no. It's fucking awful. How is it? I wondered why the police used it.

It's as bad as it. It's awful. Yeah, yeah. Just, you feel like your throat's contracting. You just can't get your breath. It's just so painful on the eyes. Have you ever been tasered? No.

I'd love to see you tasered. On stiff neck. Sort my neck out. Your neck's like, finally, the rest of the body's caught on. Harry Hill used to have that joke about the, you know, the fly zappers. Seeing a fly flying towards one, he has a heart attack just before he gets there and then it zaps him back to life. He's so funny, Harry.

Oh, he's so funny. Okay. So why was that? Was that to get you off to rob you? Their plan was to get us off the bus to rob us. Well, you had no money. You had nothing then, didn't you? I had nothing, no.

Luckily. So anyway, I've resented that driver ever since. luckily so anyway that i've resented that driver ever since i could talk about talk when i was messing about talking about um you know i've been was it a gas women or stuff like that i was in the marks and spencers right um josh um close shopping with the girls this is a good technique right i've done they had vouchers from their birthdays yeah but i realized and they were like can we go in there no we haven't got vouchers for there so we went to waterstones and mark spencer's that's what i had vouchers for yeah i realized next time i just take them to the shops and i go we're gonna go and get some stuff

i'm just and say we i need something from like they need or like maybe i want to get him a book rather than a toy or they actually do need some clothes i'm just gonna go oh you've got vouchers because they never actually look or check. And then when I'm in the shops, you can go, oh, you haven't got vouchers for there. And I go, okay. Well, before, they'll be like, well, if I'd gone, oh, I'm going to treat you to something. They'll be like, well, can we go now?

I want something from there. But now if I just go, oh, we haven't got vouchers for there. Oh, that's a good drop. So as I did it, I felt like I had the magic key to the shop. So I was like, yeah. And then you just don't have to go in. Yes. So that was in my expenses. And I you just don't have to go in. Yes. So that was in Marks and Spencer's.

And I was getting them some clothes. I wanted some clothes. And there's like the kids' clothes, the women's clothes, and there's a bit of a bra section over there. And then it said fitting rooms. So I went to fitting rooms. And the woman went to me, you can't come in here. I was like, pardon?

What, you can't come in here? I went, oh, no, I'm just with my daughter. Does that just want to try some clothes on? No, no, you can't. I went, okay, it's women only, actually. And I was like, right, first of all, I'm here shopping for my children. This is the nearest fitting room. I've not turned up on my own topless with a fucking leg on.

Some sort of horny pervert. All the doors are lockable. Anyway, so I was like, look, it's fine, but don't. Is this a person who worked that yeah but it was actually treating me like i was a pervert trying to sneak into the room i was like well i'll be honest with you if i have a i don't want to sneak i don't want to see a 55 year old woman get a bra fitted i'm not like well jimmy you've got a sick fucking thing i am with my children with my children i mean it's okay we'll go where do we go then they went oh the men's fitting rooms over there i went all right i'll go over there went over there and she went this is men's only this is a men's fitting room it's a men's fit i was like yeah i know but i've been refused entry at

the one near the kids clothes i've carried all these clothes over here and they're like i just want to but there's men then she went um i went no it's just i know it's a men's fit but my kids need to try these clothes on because i don't know if they fit or not and she went but there's men. And then she went, I went, no, but it's just, I know it's a men's fitting room, but my kids need to try these clothes on because I don't know if they fit or not. And she went, but there's men in there. And I was like, well, yeah. I own one. But I'll go in there and shut the curtain or the door,

and then we'll get changed. It's like, as if to go, they're all probably all fucking pedos in there. It's probably not. It's probably just a married man trying to jump on for the fourth time. He doesn't want to buy, but his fucking pedos in there. Probably not. Probably just a married man trying to jump romp for the fourth time. He doesn't want to buy it, but his wife likes him in it. I thought you did. Oh, man. So what did you do?

Take them to the men's one? We all stripped in the street naked and got changed. No, so we went to the men's one, and it was fine. But I was just like, I'm not taking my kids to the shops to sneak into the women's changing rooms for further and also like

the men's ones aren't suitable for the kids because there's not enough space but in the women's one there's bigger ones for the kids

so it's a bit I do find it a bit frustrating and I find it a bit frustrating when there's never any baby changing facilities in men's

it's always in the women's or disabled toilet which is not ideal but in the disabled toilet I feel bad must be awful for if you're a single dad it must be very difficult to to manage that but um well talk to preach mate i know i know what you're doing yeah and then when rose is your single dad now oh can i uh can i raise something for when rose comes on about her going away right Right, okay. Oh, yeah, Rose is coming on in a couple of weeks, isn't she? She takes...

Should we send the microphone to Cornwall or to your house for her? I don't know. Or a PT's house. Where should we... Where should we send the equipment? Yeah, send it here. What's your issue? You want to have it out of the way?

You're giving her a reason to pop round. Oh, it seems to have gone to a reason to pop round oh it seems to have gone the wrong address she'll have to come over into my room um she takes the main

toothpaste Rob oh but when she goes away yeah that's unacceptable that is unacceptable isn't it yeah so I'll go

to cross my teeth and look where's the toothpaste and she's she's taken the main toothpaste nah see these new work away from homers don't get the rules

the unwritten rules if you're working away from home or leaving the house you get your own fucking toothpaste you've got to take your own fucking toothpaste you've got to go and

buy your own toothpaste she's on the road she could get it from the shop at the station yeah there's some boots at the station and I'm probably the bloke she's seeing's got some anyway

yeah Sharon Olsen who cares about a bit of Colgate boots at the station and i'm probably the bloke she's seeing's got some anyway but yeah i mean that's a fair point but i'd like to see a response to that but yeah anything else you want to raise no no all good no all good oh i've got some good influencer slagging off we can do. Talking about changing rooms in half term. So Lou took the girls to Bluewater to get some, none of their clothes fit. I think because they've been in school loads and we've not been doing much because it's cold and miserable, none of their clothes fit. And they grow so quick. So she took them to Bluewater shopping and she was in one of the changing rooms

and she went in there and there was like an influencer mum. I'm not going to name and shame, it's not fair, but she's got like 250,000 followers. Now, we can beep it out. I literally don't even know what her name is. I'll tell you what, you might be able to work it out. I'll send, Lou sent me the video of what she did. Lou wanted to try some clothes on and she went into the,

so there's 10 changing rooms, right? Facing each other and a mirror at the end and a little sort of gangway, right? So there's five on each side. And then Lou went in and she wanted to, what she likes to do is obviously

give the girls a room each and then she can stand outside or have a room for what she's training on. But she couldn't get further down because it was influencer who was sat on the floor cross-legged, filming her children come in and out of the oh my god there's eight different cubicles dancing and singing and

basically doing a shoot for instagram and then lou's like stuck in one little one like that fucking idiot she was filming for hours i was stuck in that little one she had eight cubicles and then um lucid it's like watching like the jackson five was like right on three all come out one two three come out and now give a twirl do a dance and all this and it was like and like and then it's so mental though she was telling me like it took ages and they kept on reshooting stuff redoing it and i've seen the video and then like the video it sort of says like please please have lou in the uh in the back of the mirror all hot faced so it's just a kid dancing taking up the whole

changing rooms that is mental but it's all set up like oh blimey what's she like but she's been choreographed that's mad but Lou's in the back Lou's in that video

but it would bring up one of the curtains behind them but these poor kids like just but if they I suppose they enjoy their other kids i don't know if there's one or another one or not but there was just one dancing like that and they were sucking a little cubicle oh my god excuse me because then you're gonna be in the video

yeah look we talk about our family and kids and all that but i do try and give it you know i try and give a little bit of privacy not on free out you come um on that rob yeah on the subject of family uh sad day in the house oh no what's happened one of the fish died oh god which one one? The third one, Midnight. What are they called? Gold, Silver and Midnight. Gold. Surely Bronze was in with a shout, wasn't it? Well, no, Midnight was. Like one of those black fish with the big eyes. You know those ones?

Yeah, okay. Fair enough. Makes sense. Yeah, makes sense. And what happened to him? Her? They? We'll never know.

Oh, he just died. Just died, floated a bit. Yeah. How was your daughter about that? She was fine it really yeah it's good she made a little gravestone yeah buried him in the garden or her yeah do we know what what the fish was no No. No, okay, fair enough. Cause of death unknown. Right, okay. Oh, that's a shame, isn't it? It was quite sad. I felt more sad than I thought I was going to.

Well, why? You feel things deeply, don't you, Josh, I think? Certainly in the neck. I think, though, because you're really into music, I think you're quite a romantic. You sort of like to look at the deep part of it. Like, it's a sort of... I think some people quite like getting into that. Do you know what I mean?

What, wallowing? The melancholy of it all. Oh, I love a bit of melancholy. I mean, I'd stick on a bit of radio and let's just melancholy for a bit. Which is nice because it's good. It gets it out of your system. It's the way people use that to express themselves, isn't it? Yeah.

Look at that. Out there, the graveyard. What's in the graveyard out there now? There's a cat out there as well uh no where's the cat the cat's ashes are above the tv got cremated fair enough yeah um go on i went to a graveyard on saturday actually i went to highgate cemetery i was It was in Highgate. Yeah. And we went for lunch with some people. And then I was like, I know someone buried in Highgate Cemetery. And I was like, well, I'll go and have a look.

Ten quid in? Ten quid to get to a cemetery? Get in? A really strange lineup of people in there. Litvin Yanko's buried in there george michael former aston villa defender ugo ecky hogg is buried in there no really yeah really like i don't know he died yeah he died yeah break it oh sorry rob i didn't know yeah you go ecky hogg yeah me too um paid my respects yeah 10 quid 10 quid. 10 quid. Got my money's worth. You get a map of all the famous people that are buried there.

That's a bit weird, isn't it? It is quite odd. Would you like to be buried there? I was thinking it'd be quite cool to be buried here. And then I was like, what? I don't get what it is that means you get buried here. Do you know what I mean? You just pay them to be buried there.

Yeah, but why are more people not doing it? I mean quite it might be quite expensive i'll find out how much to be buried at its most exclusive location in britain a plot in highgate's east cemetery resting place of kyle marks george elliott was in west right okay so um guess how much it is to be in the east one five grand more 20 grand yes oh hey josh in the west cemetery is that where you were yeah in the west cemetery where like george michael christina rossetti and michael faraday yeah a plot costs guess more yeah no double

40 grand yeah but then when you've died at a young age like if you're Alexander Litvinenko yeah he's not expecting to die

famously right so are they discussing it when he you know that well I think maybe with Litvinenko

because it was sort of a bit of a conspiracy and a bit like Dodge, that if he's buried there, his name lives on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are now talking about Hugo Eikhoff and Litvinenko and George Wanker. Yeah, yeah. Litvinenko. Do you want me to start a GoFundMe for you?

Yeah, if you could. If people want to donate, I'd love to be in high case. I don't want people to have to pay a tenner. You must get a few, like, it must be like parking permits in London. Oh, do you think? Yeah. Surely the Eciogs aren't paying 10 quid every time they go or something. You know what I mean?

Yeah. That must be part of it, that if you have someone buried there, you can go in. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah. And do you think um do you think you have a funeral there well i can't imagine how else you'd get put in oh well there we go yeah it didn't make me think i'd prefer to be buried really i like a graveyard i don't like graveyard

i'll still talk because i was doing the kathy burke podcast i'll do this i don't we like great i don't know what to do and i don't i'm not very good this, I don't know what to do I'm not very good at grieving I don't know what to do when I'm there I just sort of look at it for a bit yeah I quite like that feeling of everyone's hushed yeah it's not for me

I bumped into someone I hadn't seen in a decade in Highgate Cemetery who was it? it was quite weird it was my old lecturer that bloke Highgate Cemetery. Who was it? It was quite weird. It was my old lecturer from uni. That bloke who didn't drive you home, was it? I said, this is fucking London, mate. This is central London.

Not Enfield. Yeah. Valentine's Day. Oh, did you do anything for Valentine's Day? No. Did you? No. I was gigging.

Yeah, were you? I watched Plymouth versus Coventry was on Sky. But you was No. I was gigging. Yeah, were you? I watched Plymouth versus Coventry was on Sky. But you was on your own as well? No, Rose was home. Oh, Rose was home. Oh, nice. Yeah. And you still watched the football alone?

Well, it's just so rare that Plymouth was on Sky. What's going on? No, we had her cousin staying and his family. Right, okay. So we had dinner as a four. And then I was like, do you mind if I go watch the second half of Plymouth versus Coventry? And then they all sat chatting.

Uh, no, her cousin, he came through. He came and was good lad. Yeah. And then Plymouth later in the last minute equalizer, 95th minute equalizer.

I know it's sort of like, there's nothing better though than you, than when your wife's new friends, because let's face it, I ain't bringing any new people back to the house. It's always lovely when your wife's new couple friends,

one of them likes football or boxing and you're like, this is so much easier now. We can sit her in silence and then occasionally go, they'll cut to the crowd, it'll be like, David Pleat,

and you go, can't remember him. I've got bad news about David Pleat, Rob. Has he died? Yeah. I thought he was still alive. I saw him on the telly last night, didn't I? David Pleat?

Do you mean David Platt? No, David Pleat. He's still alive. Is he? Yeah. He was watching Luton. Was he? Is David Pleat still alive?

Oh, he can't't kill off Pleaty. He's 79. All right. You still got him. I saw him on the telly yesterday. None of our listeners know who David Pleat is. I was talking between Nick Hartford and David Pleat. It's not my fault Luton were on the telly.

There we go. Anyway, I do apologise. What for? Saying someone's dead who wasn't. Can I tell you what else happened in the shops when I was shopping, I'm sorry. Sorry to interrupt, guys. What for? Saying someone's dead who wasn't. Can I tell you what else happened at the shops when I was shopping, Josh? Yeah. The girls were touching the – I was trying to jump on – were touching the knob of the mannequins under their trousers.

Oh, yeah, a bit of fun. Poking their – because they're called their front – they've got front privacies because we felt – and there was something there, they're obsessed with dicks at the moment and I don't know what to do about it. I think that's just a bit of fun, Rob. It is just a bit of fun, but you just...

So what were they doing to the dick? Just prodding it with a finger like... Prodding with a finger and giggling, but then the old one stroked one like a dog and I thought that was weird. I don't mind the poking and running away and giggling but you're on the point you're just stroking it like that like the back of a labrador's head that's fine isn't it it's just sort of them laughing and that's just life that's just life isn't it um and then they were before he left they were really arguing

because you know what half term's like they just get a bit annoyed of each other they're really arguing and um the um i said to him look you're not listening right we want to go have a good day today so let's just and she was going yeah but she did this she did that no i went let's just let's just start now let's delete the past the past let's forget what's happened this small let's just forget what's happened we are both we're all now excited to go out and have fun and we're all friends and we all love each other so let's just delete the past right and they sort of got on board then the youngest broke down in tears and which went delete the past we're gonna delete the past but what we've never we never went to disney and they're just I don't care who's turning to sit in the front. That didn't work.

I was trying my best. What did you do? Go anywhere in half term or do anything or any activities? So my daughter went to Rose's mum's for a couple of days. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then in the second half of half term, we had the Rose's cousins come to stay,

which is great because they've got two small kids. Oh, so they can just play. So they just play. It's fine. That's nice. Look at that balloon exhibition. Did you do the balloon exhibition? Oh, my God.

I didn't, but my daughter went with Rose's mum and said it was absolutely incredible. Yeah, it's great. I think she said it was a bit overwhelming in the half term, but they did like it, the kids, to be fair. Yeah, she didn't go in halftime. Why did she not go? When did she go? Christmas, she went.

Christmas. Also, another dad question, because I was asked about barbecues last week. Have you got grass or AstroTurf, Josh? AstroTurf. Right, okay. I'm not proud of it, but it's unmanageable to have grass in our situation well because it doesn't get much sun

i can see the grass of people out of my window i mean it would do my head in it's not tenable as a lawn because i didn't know if he was into lawn care because it's like the first cut of the year's coming up josh it's quite a big deal yeah for us grass growers yeah yeah well if you had astroturf now that would be fucking insane, having moved to the country. If you AstroTurfed the whole thing, I wouldn't put it past you, but you know Rob's got an acre of AstroTurf in the country. It cost him 200 grand.

But he reckons by 2048 he'll have saved on on Rottnaburrow actually pays for itself no I haven't got I haven't got

AstroTurf but I can see we had it when um we had a flat in London are you gonna get a ride on

Moa Rob uh there's not really a need for it I mean it's not I haven't got it's not like Clarkson's Farm I've just got a bigger garden than if I need for it. I mean, it's not like Clarkson's Farm.

I've just got a bigger garden than if I lived in Zone 5. I mean, I'd get on it and just sort of go up and down four times and be like, okay, right, well, I need to build a shed now for that to live in. I'm just excited about it because we moved in in June, so it's like we were just constantly doing stuff, so I'm quite excited. I'm just looking forward to summer so much.

The smell of cut grass. Oh, the sun on my face oh it's so nice josh yeah i'm so i'm buzzing again now i can feel it happening i can feel spring coming oh that's good that's good a real dark couple of weeks in jan just had enough of it josh but yeah you seem in a good spirit i'm in pretty good spirits actually as, as it goes. Do you want a neck update? Always. Can we do a couple of bits of correspondence? You could just enjoy the neck update, Rob, rather than think ahead. If you've got a 15-minute neck update, I'll take it. No, I haven't.

Oh, could I just talk about one more thing? Yeah, talk about whatever you you want babe this is your this is our time your time go someone built a massive marquee um in victoria park like like you know like a dance tent at a fest like a big festival yeah and oh you're like what's this doing here i can't be having a festival in january there's no mention of a festival and is it like is it looks official like it's got permission to be doing it is it like yeah there's people with high vis all around it i reckon if you want high vision you could do whatever you want yeah totally just like you could stop traffic have a shit on the floor in the road

and people are bloody roadworks that's what you do if you're robbing a fucking artwork, isn't it? Like, looking official just means you can just walk into places and take stuff. Do you ever feel tempted, like, to do a big crime, just to see if you can get away with it? Do you ever have that thought of, I'd love to be able to live a bit of life just to see how it turns out and then go back and just go back to my normal because i think the stress of being a criminal would be awful could you imagine yeah i watched

a documentary about those guys that did hat and garden yeah fucking hell that's a stressful old evening imagine that like over east the weekend i've got to get back to the bank and get for that little yeah because they failed the first night and they'd go back the second night and then just is it worth it you're gonna get caught you're almost certainly gonna get caught it's the rush they love the rush sorry josh what did you say about your victoria park oh no i was saying i'd love to rob someone oh no so they they built a massive marquee and it's next to the bit where often they're filming stuff. And we were like, are they filming a film about festivals? Yeah.

But there was no filming there. And then me and Rose came to the conclusion. On text message. No, I was just giving her a bag of her stuff. On the doorstep. Yeah. What's going on with that marquee? Because I'm not allowed to kiss till 1.30

and I got there at 1.20. Yeah. We genuinely came to the conclusion that they must be just, they need someone to try out their tent. Really? Well, that's genuinely. Well, the council.

We were like, maybe it's like, where else? Maybe they just need to put up their marquee to see that it works. But no, that wasn't what it was. But I feel thick that I thought it was that for a couple of days. Yeah. What was it? Did you find out? Yeah, I went and asked a man in a high vis world.

Here we go. Yeah. That's not the kind of thing I do. No. I was quite pleased with myself. What's going on here then? I'm still there on my phone, right?

I'm the high vis man. Tell me what. You're right, mate. Oh, no, you're right. What's all this about?

Are you that, are you that, that one off the telly? Uh, just a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Gloria Hannaford. Yeah. Are you that one off the telly? Just a bit, yeah. Yeah. Gloria Hannaford. Yeah.

Sorry, go on. Yeah, you're all right, mate. Yeah, what's up? What's this all about then? What's what all about? Why is this tent here? What's it got to do with you? Well, I live around here.

Fair enough. Don't know, actually. I just paid to make sure no one goes in. Oh, yeah. Let me ask. Now, the problem is with these role players, I don't know what the answer is. London Fashion Week is the answer, Rob. Oh. There's a London Fashion Week

event in Victoria Park in a big tent. Right, so like a runway thing or just drinks? Yeah, it must be. I don't know. I wasn't allowed in. When he said London Fashion Week, did you get excited? excited no i didn't know whether he was taking the piss out of me no i think that's a weird sort of thing they'll do in february when is it is this week so it is true right okay well let's find out what they did what you should why don't you try and get a pass i'd love to see in the front row in a striped piece. One extra Anna Wintour.

In your Pizza Express outfit. London Fashion Week, Victoria Park. Let's see what they're doing. 40th birthday. But will recession cramp its style? Okay. Some of the garden. Burberry's Fashion Week, Catwalk in Victoria Park.

Oh, there we go. Oh, it's a massive tent. Yeah. There it is. Get yourself down there, Josh. Because I saw some people going in there yesterday, but obviously that wasn't the event. No.

Well, there we go. It looks fucking... It must be better inside, because it's just a tent in a freezing, muddy park at the moment. That picture, Rob. Yeah. That makes it look... There was a petition against it from residents was there i didn't song 160 residents presented to the council raising concerns about

the environmental impact of the park as a local green space i bloody agree it's taking up too much space but you know richard desmond from the community group victoria park friends said it is by park standards a small event we have had radioed in a similar size tent and singapore day had an enclosure in the same space blimey it's all going in it there we go that's exciting get yourself down there yeah i'll head down there tonight see catch up with anna winter on posh bite oh new asda express opens on bow road excited about that? That's quite far from me. Oh, is it? Okay.

Sure. Yeah, so there we go, Rob. Oh, neck update. I didn't do my neck update. No, go on. Do you care? Yeah. So, sorted my neck out.

Yeah, it's all good. The best it's ever been. Right. For a whole week. Yeah. And then the other side went wrong. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with the neck?

And what did you do to sort the one? The sort was exercises and breathing and just doing all my exercises every day and going to yoga and it's just loosened it all up. It's great. Perfect. And then the other side went to the point where it was like a trapped nerve. The pain was unbelievable. I woke up at 1.30 a.m. the night before last leg.

Couldn't sleep after that. Yeah. Just had to lie there and listen to an audio book about the Beatles. I didn't have to do that, but that's what I did do. So what you got to do about it now then? Do you know what had happened, Rob? What? The other side, the guy said, wasn't used to what was going on with the neck.

So the other side's like... Because the neck hasn't moved in six months. The other side's got like short and isn't used to the movement. So it's reacted. Right. But why isn't the part of the side that hurts reacting like that then? Because you're in trouble if your new regime makes one side no no i'll be fine after

that i've just got to get rid of this but i can get out of bed i'm saying is that what you've sorted out is you've made one like siding neck better the other side's got up work so yeah but this other side is just fading it'll be fine right so that's just a bit of because it's getting you it's like a kind of you know when you're coming back from injury oh yeah absolutely and you know when you come back from injury. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And, you know, when you're coming back from injury, occasionally your body will pull something because you're not used to the cut and thrust of having a neck. Now your neck's back.

Say your neck's back, right? Say this is just a little bump in the road. A little bump in the road, but you're back. You've got your yoga. You've got your exercise. You're back in the game. What are you doing now that you couldn't do? That?

Well, just look into the side slightly. Rob, I was at 45 degrees. I couldn't do more than that previously. So you'd have to turn your whole body to look behind you?

Yeah. I'm doing the full 90 there. Look at that. Am I doing 90? No, I'm not an owl. Well, no, but I can get all that way around. How far can I go?

Ready? Yeah. Yeah, completely just profile. Yeah. But yeah, but that way around. How far can I go? Ready? Yeah. Yeah, completely just profile. Yeah. But yeah, but that's good. Not as good on that side. Does it feel like your life's changed now? It did until this happened.

Yeah, until the other side hurt. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's good. Well done. Well, we should do some correspondence. We haven't even had time to talk about the Masked Singer. Oh!

Who was it? You're not going to believe it was Alex Brooker. Bigfoot. No. Yeah. Fucking hell. That has got to be the worst one of all time. Like in terms of trying to find out who it was.

Yeah. It seems like the most obvious in history. I couldn't, but you might as well called him like no hands, one leg. It was mad, but there we go. Good on him.

I love it. I love it on him. Yeah. Right. Josh, um, what do you want here we got oh we had two ferry came to visit by the way josh oh yeah four quid she dropped off which i think was a bit over what for one tooth yeah that's some line now i thought that i thought

two could be enough but yeah put down four we'd had a couple of beers for the tree um here we go am i a modern boomer i like these oh yeah i like these normally the answer is yes yes harsh nicknames hi robin josh love the podcast when you interviewed scarlet moffat and spoke about me nicknames given my appearance it triggered a memory when i was a baby slash toddler i was on the larger side and my mom and her family used to call me cabbage patch calf because i reminded them of a cabbage patch doll i think that's all right if you're a baby or a toddler. Apparently my cheeks were so big they squished my eyes closed a bit. Why are you laughing, mate?

It's a funny image. This name remained until I was in my teens, despite losing all the baby weight. No, as soon as I was fully walking. All the best, Catherine Southwoodham Ferrars Essex. Is that modern? Am I a modern boomer? I'd say that needs to stop.

She's a modern victim of booming. Right, a modern victim of booming. Victim of modern booming. A victim of modern. I think that's fine when they get to teenagers and they don't look like a Cabbage Patch doll. Although, if they don't look like a cabbage patch doll. I don't know. If they don't look like a cabbage patch doll,

that's all right. Isn't it? Because it's, if she still looked like a cabbage patch doll, I think that'd be worse. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah,

but I think with teenage girls, you can't have any nuance of teenage. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're right. Do you want an instant regret story? Yeah. Hit me. I don't even know when we are, we asked for this, but we've got teenage. No, no, no, no, no. You're right. Do you want an instant regret story? Yeah, hit me. I don't even know when we asked for this, but we've got it. Hi, Robin Josh. Did we ask for this? Well, we've got it. Hi, Robin Josh.

I have a story of something I did and then felt instant regret that I'd like to share with you. Obviously for the kids. It's what I think when I farted in my daughter's face. And I instantly regretted it. Oh, yeah. She reminds me about it all the time. God. When our son Fletcher was four months old,

we took a short break to a holiday park with our other family members. Our first time away as a family of four. We were all in our cabin along with my sister-in-law when I heard Fletcher's faint cry, letting us know that his daytime nap was over. Being the modern day hands-on dad that I am, I jumped up and headed to the bedroom to fetch Fletch. On my arrival, I noticed next to him was my daughter's baby doll a very lifelike baby doll the idea came to me instantly

but unfortunately too quickly to give it the proper assessment time i grabbed the doll and headed for the door on opening i proceeded to do a comedy trip that charlie chaplin would have been proud of oh yeah that's good that's good comedy that is good comedy in the progress let go of the doll launching it against the wall and watch it crash down against the kitchen side and land in a crumpled heap on the floor it was at that moment i knew i'd fucked up oh no i'd picked up my son instead and i'm joking no no no no my wife thought i'd killed our son and both her and her sister in floods of tears for ages it took a lot of groveling and apologies in between the shouts of you dickhead to eventually calm them down five years old i think they may be just starting to forgive me although it's still

not accepted as just good comedy if ever mentioned it was a bad thing i did i still maintain that it was the funniest unfunny thing i've ever done but given the chance again i'd probably opt for the dealing with my upset child and ignore the other voice in my head option anyway thanks for giving me all the laughs and making me look like an insane giggling twat when i'm walking my dog best podcast ever matt peabody i i great great name that in it fletcher peabody that's what it's called fletcher peabody it's fucking brilliant name that is that thought has gone through my mind of like why don't i pretend that i i just i even if the comedy falls great no one's laughing no it's just absolute panic and worry fear and dread yeah you've got to make it

clear that it's a joke beforehand in which case it's not funny enough anyway so no there's always gonna be a victim in that joke which will be the person who thinks it's a real baby so yeah the only people that would be laughing is everyone that's in on the joke and at that point it was just him i don't like pranks i hate i'm not I hate pranks. Well, because we've got to do some PR for our smart TV panel show. We haven't got to, Rob. We want to. Oh,

sorry. Yeah. Yeah. We've got, we've got the opportunity to, and there's, Oh, do you mind doing some stuff with like some tick tockers and influencers?

And I was like, yeah, you know, I'm not one of these old sort of comics. I love it. Cause I watched loads of funny tick tockers and there was like, Chloe Burrows is, I'm not one of these old sort of comics. I love it because I watch loads of funny TikTokers and there was like Chloe Burrows is really funny. He's doing one of them and other people. I can't remember the other people's names.

Yeah, I'm up for that. I watch their content. I think it's pretty funny. But I was like, no pranks, no singing, no dancing. But I'll do everything else. But I'm not. I can't. I don't want to dance just to flog a panel show.

If you'd come out of that, if the end of that, um, dressing room, uh, uh, video you sent me had been you dancing out the dressing room, saying smart TV is on Sky Max after that door, that woman's kid.

I can't do it. I can't. I just, I feel like great. Like, cause then I go, I was brilliant. That TikTok of you got a million views of you dancing.

Right? And, okay. Okay, great. How many of them are going to watch the show? Because I've never watched a TikTok of dance. And even if it's, because I sometimes watch, you know, the people that do like a song that's trending and the dancing's really good. You're like, oh, and you end up watching it.

And it's really good because, you know, I like watching well choreographed dancing. I've never watched someone do a really good. You're like, oh, and you end up watching it. And it's really good because, you know, I love watching well-choreographed dancing. I've never watched someone do a really good dance. I thought, bloody hell, that was really impressive. I go, I wonder if they've got any witty things to say about Antiques Roadshow. Just like operating separate worlds. Yeah. But, yeah, I can't dance.

I don't like pranks or dancing. No. No. Well, just watch it on Skymax, everyone, then Rob won't can't dance. I don't like pranks or dancing. No. No. Well, just watch it on Sky Max, everyone, then Rob won't have to dance. When we were coming through, it felt like ITV2 were desperate for comedians to do a prank show. Every pitch was fancy little prank show.

I used to love Trigger Happy TV. Yeah, but I did when I was younger, but now I'm... I couldn't do it, though. No, I can't watch pranks. Even though I, as a comic, always want to be the joke. I don't like having a target that isn't sort of myself. You know, even my stuff, if I'm slagging off someone else, it's normally coming from me being an idiot.

I've just realised that this is actually the day before this goes out, the day before Smart TV's on, So we should actually do the big sale. Watch Smart TV on Sky with me, Rob Beckett, Josh Willicombe, Alison Hammond, and brilliant guests. There we go. God, you don't need fucking TikTok. That's that. Done.

Is that good enough? Probably not. The problem is... what do you do i just sort of feel like what do you do when you're trying to sell something you say the thing is i really like it what what what can they get from it they can't get from anywhere else this is a good way allison hammond is on it and she it's after 9 p.m so she's rude and swears a bit and she can't do that in the day and also it's us but you don't have to listen to us talking about our fucking kids we don't mention our kids, we slag each other

off, you get absolutely pelters don't you, you get a lot of abuse I tell a story about almost being killed by a tram, that's what I'm going to tell you now, watch it on Thursday if you want to find out if that's the right episode, I don't know which one they're putting out first no idea no idea if you like josh being ganged up upon where it's sort of borderline bullying but so funny you sort of can leave your morals at the

door this is a show for you yeah but you're firing josh i'd say i'd say i felt a bit like you know the mark lamar role on shooting stars. Yeah. You were the beer bit like that. Yeah. It's, it's really good. And I look forward to everyone seeing it.

Yes. Let us know what you think. Please watch it. And we'll see you on Friday. I'll mention it on Friday. We'll mention it on Friday. The problem is though, I was going to say was if you will watch it,

then we don't have to do the, the Tik TOK dances. But I think these sick fuck listeners want to see us flogging our guts on tiktok well the way to do it guys is if you'll watch it we won't have to keep mentioning it or can you just message sky and say love the show yeah come on fucking hell do you know what you could do right if you've got sky on our tv or now tv go on press play you don't you can do that on your app on your phone just leave it running as well look i know when you have to plug stuff it's so difficult because no one wants to plug stuff you just sort of have to and like and i go i think it banging on about this or about that

it's like but we have to do it or we may not get to do it again and it's like yeah it's it's horrible because imagine imagine you finish your job and then you've got to go on you've got to go out again and go do you know what come and watch me do admin or come and watch me fix this engine. I'm fucking great at it. Because I really enjoyed it. Come and watch. No one's fixed an engine like that before. Yeah.

Anyway. So, yeah, do watch it. Basically, what I have realized, which you kind of taught me, Rob, is promo is you don't talk about it that much. Just be funny. People will like you, and then they'll go and find your thing. So let's hope that happens. Yes, please find a thing.

Right, cool. I'll see you on Friday, Josh. See you on Friday. Cheers. Cheers, bye-bye.