Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP18: Ashley Blaker

Episode Date: March 8, 2024

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian, writer and producer - Ashley Blaker. Further information & tickets for Ashley's tour book visit: www.ashleyblaker.com or www.normalschmormal.com Normal Schmormal: My occasionally helpful guide to parenting kids with special needs (Down syndrome, autism, ADHD, neurodivergence)amzn.eu Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with penny can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett.

Good job. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Good job. Good job. Good job. Very good. Very nice.

Dunstable. Milton Keynes. Oh. Not far off 22 month old niece Penny had a go at the intro today I think she did a bloody good job you can even hear the little

Auntie Jim at the end sob thanks for the pod keep up the good work lots of love from Auntie Jim and Milton Keynes 4, 8, 6 months can I say something I've smashed that 17 miles away Dunstable from Milton Keynes that's my best ever love from auntie jamie milton keen's four eight six months can i say something what that is i've smashed that a 17 miles away dunstable that's my best ever well done mate told you didn't i say

this is in your imperial phase just everything's clicking yeah um how are you josh uh i'm very good actually um how's rose? She's not here. She's in Cornwall. Do you remember I said about something I was worried about? I wonder whether we could put this on our Instagram. What are you worried about? There was something wrong with the house that I was worried about. Do you remember that?

Did I say that out loud, Michael? No. He's not listening. He's answering the door. What are you worried about? I'll send you a picture No you didn't mention this You thought you mentioned this on the last episode So you see that

You see the bottom I mean obviously it's incredibly filthy What the hell is that? Well for a start I don't know Is that your basement of your house? Yeah But look at the bottom

Zoom in at the bottom There's like black stuff Pouring out the bottom of it But it's just dangling there. Is that oil? What is that oil? Is that plastic? What's in the box?

I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? It's in your house. What is that box? Right, get that on Instagram. That's going straight up on Instagram. How do you not know what that is? What is this?

Firstly, what is it? Secondly, do I need to sort the black goo out the bottom? Thirdly, how do I sort it? The black goo. So it's not coming out. It's not moving. It's like stationary, that black goo. Right.

Yeah, that is weird, isn't it? So it might just need more goo. I don't know. It's got Isco 17 written on it. Yeah, it's his, isn't it? So it might just need more goo. I don't know. It's got Isco 17 written on it. Yeah, it's his favourite Real Madrid player. What's that say at the top? Quality make? We'll have to make sure it's got it on Instagram, otherwise it's terrible to listen to.

I-S-C-O, is that right? Yeah, Isco 17. I don't know what it is, Rob, but it's just there. In our house. Oh, God. Yeah, anyway, if anyone could help me out with that. Okay, well, yeah, let's try and work that. I've got no idea what it is, Rob, but it's just there in our house. Oh, God. Yeah, anyway, if anyone could help me out with that. Right, okay, well, yeah, let's try and work that. I've got no idea what that is.

I'll be honest, when I brought it to you, I thought it was more one for the listeners rather than you. Sorry, okay, fair enough. Well, it's on Instagram. Let's find out what's in Josh's house. You promised us a story about a harvester. Oh, right, yeah. Because it's 1993, I'm getting our basement done.

My kids love harvester, man. They love harvester. What's going on with your seat oh no so my back I've got a bad back because oh

how the fucking tables have turned no no it isn't that bad I just need to twist it a bit it's where I sat

with a inflatable giraffe fan stuck in my back for an hour in a car I basically sat with a long you've got a giraffe back I've got a giraffe back so it's a bit i was just

twisting out as i was chatting they often have bad necks my kids love harvester the stiffest of all the necks um so the one's got harvester so my daughter's a um sleepover i said i'll take you to dinner do you want to bring a friend Where do you want to go? She said her friend and she said the harvester. Yeah, great. And then she wanted to change her clothes, right? So I pick her and her friend up

from school. They've been on like this funder like it's organised by the PTA where they go on a haul and it's like a big crazy party but they do it as a fundraising thing every year. So they're buzzed up

like on sugar because they've had sweets, they've had an entertainer and they're mad. So I get them and I pick them up and they're screaming with excitement and they've both got bags to change into clothes yeah to go for dinner right but i've got them in the car so obviously it's

my daughter and then obviously her daughter's friend and they're about six or six or seven so we get to the harvester and then i get the key for the disabled toilet to use for them to get changed and i gave them their bags right you two go in there and get changed i'll wait outside yeah so i'm stood there with the door shut my daughter goes why don't you come in and help us what i can't because your friend's here yeah you know and stuff like that it doesn't matter you've said she went you've seen my bits i was like yes obviously because you're my daughter i cannot be stood in the toilet watching you and your friend get jacked this is you're grown up now this is happens. Even were you to face the wall in a kind of Blair Witch Project situation,

you don't want to have to explain that to the parents when they say, my daughter said you came and watched her get changed. That's a get change. Exactly, yeah. So anyway, so I was just stood outside the door of the disabled toilet, right? And bear in mind, I'm going to the Brits the next night.

I don't think anyone else is doing this as a double header the amount of time in my life when i think it's absurd and you don't realize this when people are on television or they're going to something how adjacent is in your life to the just really crap weird moments do you know what i mean when you're just like so mundane life is so mundane and then there's occasional weird things you have to go to because of your job yeah exactly i'm waiting outside the toilet and they're in there for ages and every time i say go are you all right girls they go go away i'm not i'm getting so then i can't open to hurry so i'm basically at the mercy of them being ready yeah so they're screaming it takes ages and he eventually get them out then we're in the harvester and then so then I can't open to hurry so I'm basically at the mercy of them being ready so they're screaming

it takes ages and eventually get them out then we're in the harvester and then they're just too overexcited going mad and then I'm letting them

go to the buffet themselves to get the salad bowl back and forth and then I can hear them they go oh we're going on a shortcut and then I turn around I've lost them

they're walking around the entire restaurant and I realise my daughter's kicked her shoe off with one shoe on walking around the restaurant singing the Willy Willy Bum Bum song. Do you know the Willy Willy Bum Bum song? I think you've mentioned it before.

Yeah, so basically Romesh told me about it. His kids love it. And then I played it once. My kids are obsessed with it. But now they've been telling kids at school about the Willy Willy Bum Bum song. Yeah. But now they're wandering around the restaurant with one shoe on singing Willy Willy Bum Bum. But I just couldn't.

In the end, they were screaming. And I'd been busy busy because I've been busy all week and then I went home and I had a migraine tablet went to bed at 8 p.m. oh my god oh god my headache was so bad but um yeah it's just being stood outside the disabled toilet and half about I couldn't go in and I couldn't get dressed because I've never had to do that before with another person's kid getting changed. I was like, sort this stuff out. There'll be a period when my daughter's having showers with me. Yeah. And then it was difficult because Rose's mum obviously isn't coming to watch that.

But Rose's mum would normally come for the bath. If Rose's mum is here and my daughter's having a bath, Rose's mum will come up, yeah? Yeah, just, yeah. But it has to stop at some age, doesn't it? It does. And yeah, and so it's difficult to explain to my daughter, well, obviously Rose's mum isn't going to come up

and watch me have a shower. No, not with Rose here. Well, don't worry worry she's not here I tell you if anyone's up for an affair with Josh he's got loads of time but also we had cousins here recently and then they're like

oh let's have a bath with the cousins and then you're like is this weird because I don't really I'm not blood relative to this child. Yeah, no, there's just a naked child in the bath. Because they're cousins on Rose's side, so I'm now, you know. I'm not a fan of cousins having baths together. No, I'm not really a fan of it.

But then it's kind of, well, friends even. So when we went to, when we went to, what is it called? Ampulia, all four girls were in the bath together and then their daughter's going well yeah i find it weird and i yeah i'm not a fan of that like oh let's all get but then like yeah no i don't think bath i think in the swimming pool and all that but they don't need to have a bath together yeah but then it's a time thing as much as anything we'll just chuck them all in together well like also they're reluctant to have a bath because they want to play with their friends the bath for children yeah oh and if

anyone's too eager to put themselves forward i'm suspicious i'll take them up let's go girls oh yeah rest your legs josh i'll take off yeah no like when they go let's just all chuck them in the bathtub i'm like no i don't really like that yeah well my they're starting to want to have their own baths now my girls they do have fun in there and play in there but i think yeah i don't i think siblings is okay i'm not a big fan of the cousins and friends in a bath together um right josh, this episode, Absolute Blinder. Lots going on. This is incredible.

I implore everyone to put down their book. What's serial killers reading a book and listening to a podcast? Yeah, that's weird. Just enjoy. This is Ashley Blaker. Ashley has six children. Yes. Three are... Ne neurodivergent he uses the term special needs or additional needs yeah and he also has a yeah one of his children

has um down syndrome and she's adopted adopted and a mental age of i think two or three year old or something like that so it's a very um complicated amazing story. So, yeah, have a listen to this. Ashley Blaker, hello. Hello. How are you? It's Canada time, right? Yes, at least. Luckily, though, on the east coast of Canada.

So I'm in Montreal, so it's five hours behind. It's quarter past five where I am at the moment. But it's fine. It's all good. Ashley, we offered you slightly later slot. We said 10 a.m. or 11 a.m. behind it's quarter past five where i am at the moment but it's fine it's all good actually we offered you slightly later slot we've said 10 10 a.m or 11 a.m you went for the early one you an early riser no not at all but i think it's it's if you're away from your kids it's the least you can do is to be you know sympathetic at least get up early anyway as if they've woken me up

and and now this is going to uh blow people's minds could you tell us we always like to start with uh the setup how many kids you've got the setup of your house yeah so i've got six kids that's right six kids they're like when on on the football on the vidi printer when they write it in brackets it's it's it's at that level of kids. And what ages are they? So they've grown up a little bit now, luckily, so I can come and do a gig in Montreal. My eldest will be 20 in July. My youngest has recently turned 10.

So there was a very busy 10-year period. Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, wow. So how many did you have under what age? So you would have had six under 10? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also we had at one point three under two almost,

something like that. My eldest son was born in July 2004. Next one was August 2005, so it was like a 13-month gap. And then the next one, October 2007. So October 2007, yeah, we had a newborn, one who'd just turned one and one who'd just turned two. I mean, I don't even know why. You must have had a three-month-old when you got pregnant again. Yes.

I mean, not me personally, but yes. No, of course. There's a couple. Respect. Big respect to both of you. Made that clear. Straight back in. And did you always want lots of kids?

No. I don't know why. Well, I think part of it was I was thinking ahead. I was thinking ahead. I was thinking, I really want to get on a good podcast. I'm probably not famous enough to get on off-menu. But at the very least, I thought, you know what? If I have loads of kids, at least Rob and Josh will have me on.

Look, it worked. I've got a very addictive personality. Lots of my life is just a series of hyper fixations so i'm like massive big football fan but there was like a 10-year period where i went to every liverpool game home away europe friendlies you name it oh wow i've i've currently got like a hyper fixation about tattoos and there was a 10-year period where my hyperfixation was having kids. Yeah. Well, between 2004 and 2005, I think it was shagging, actually. So you're doing the normal schmormal. Is that the tour you're doing in Montreal at the moment?

No, I was doing a different event, a one-off show, doing the normal schmormal um is that the tour you're doing in montreal at the moment yeah no i was doing a different event um a one-off show and i'm doing a lot of shows all over north america at the moment so and it says because you've written the book as well and it says because um you've got on the front because i want to ask about this it's called my um occasionally helpful guide to parenting kids with special needs now i didn't i thought special needs wasn't used anymore i thought it was additional needs but i i don't that felt like but i don't know i mean imagine being cancelled by robert beckett i mean surely i'd go first i didn't know what the term i know what if you haven't got educational needs now i know

it is there's so many i can't it's probably it's probably changed again since they published the book i mean also you're that you've got you've got your you've got your own needs and whatever it is and the kids have so it's up to you what you want to call it they're your kids and it's your life because you know well here's the thing so i'm very so yeah so i've got six kids that wasn't me having a dig by the way i just don't know and i'm always trying to say the right thing no i don't know you And I'm always trying to say the right thing. No, I don't know. You're right. And I think there are special educational needs. But the thing is, I just come from my own terminology. So I've got three kids with a diagnosis and three without a diagnosis. But, you know, as the title of the book suggests,

I don't like the word normal. So I call them zappers and cold plays. normal yeah so i call them zappers and cold plays right so mainstream kids are like cold play okay perfectly good but rather boring they're the missionary position of children yeah okay so the special needs kids are my special Yeah, okay. I don't know, special needs, special educational needs. But, yeah, so we've got – I've got two sons with autism and ADHD. And then we adopted – and that's the other thing, actually. So we had five biological children, and we actually adopted a child as well, who's my elder daughter, who is now 16, and she has Down syndrome. So we have so much – I mean, we have so much going on in our house, like autism, ADHD, Down syndrome, mobility issues, gastroenterological problems, heart defects, hearing loss, mobility. But, you know, you've got a lot going on when Great Ormond Street gives you your own parking space.

That is what's happening in my house. And you've got autism and adhd as well and that was a later diagnosis is that right that's right yeah uh that has come across i'm sure very clearly already i've read that i didn't just sort of get it out of the air imagine if you went no we haven't i'm like come on mate so i wrote this book right yeah and i had to do a minute i mean it's basically a memoir and a how-to guide um but i had to do a very little bit of research for it as well and as i'm writing this book about my children's sensory needs and

their uh and their uh social awkwardness and their hyper fixixations. I'm thinking, blimey, this is me. Well, after writing the book, I decided to get myself assessed. And, yeah, I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, which surprised no one. And I once said to Matt Lucas, I think I might be on the spectrum. And he said, on the spectrum, you are the spectrum. So I've actually written for the paperback. I've actually written a new, a small extra bit about that. And I'm going to write a new book as well about,

called Typical Schmipical. That plays stuff. And about my life of just crazy hyper fixations what like say five years ago when they were younger and stuff yeah talk what was a morning like between waking up and them being at school or nursery or whatever however it worked it's just absolute chaos um and when i was trying to get them out in the morning like you'd just like be forgetting kids i'd be oh my um my daughter's got down syndrome she obviously like she's she's 16 now but she has like the mental age of a two or three year old and she still requires so much help

getting ready in the morning it's getting dressed she but she's all you take up your her she's very destructive particularly when she's bored so if you take your eyes off her for two minutes, she's like drawing on the walls. She draws on her face. I've sent her to school looking like a Down syndrome post Malone. And is she at a special school? Yeah, she goes to a special school, yeah. And do the other kids, did they go to a special school?

No, no. So actually this is something i talk about in the book actually it's really difficult with finding schools that's one of the hardest things because so i've got three kids to say with three zappers three kids with diagnosis so one goes to special school great my third son dylan goes very happily to a mainstream school with a little bit of support. He has like 15 hours of LSA time, learning support system time. Would you say he's quite similar to you in the regard that there's things going on,

but he's sort of fine in sort of school and society? Yeah. Well, yeah, as for me, I mean, I was actually very academic, and so I didn't have any education. I think that's what actually threw me off the scent. Genuinely. People used to take the piss and go, oh, you're Rain Man, autistic. The thing is, I went to Oxford. I didn't have any educational needs. But yeah, so I've got one at special school.

Then Dylan goes to mainstream school, perfectly fine, tiny bit of support. But then my eldest son, that was the challenge because he falls between two stools. I always compare it to, you know how there are those footballers, right, that are not good enough for the Premier League but too good for the Championship? You're rather your types.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what he's like. Adi Akinbaye at Palace. That's Adam. He's not capable of being in a mainstream school, but he's definitely not got the kind of needs that would require a special school. And so he just, to be honest with you,

he wasn't made for education. He went to more schools than an Ofsted inspector. He eventually went to a sixth form college. He got his GCSEsses in english and math at the third attempt and yeah i was incredibly proud of him just to manage that because it just education wasn't for him yeah and then what's the kind of what happens to him now like what what path can he go on he well if he worked for a year at mcdonald's uh what you really like um obviously we have to do a lot of this work like to get him

like i'm doing all the applications i'm finding he's very passive like that so then i i found him a job at heathrow airport yeah required so much work on our part of like the forms obviously like security and um i mean he had to do so for that and this is it sounds by the way like i'm making some of these stories up i promise this is true right he had to do a job interview on zoom and just before the interview started i popped my head into his bedroom to discover that he had set up his Zoom username as **** at ****.com. You will never get a job. And he's literally like, oh, really? Oh, I think change it to Adam Blake.

Do me a favour. That is mad. Yeah. But he loves it. That is insane so will he um be able to move out and have his own place and stuff like that as he gets older or what's what do you think yeah i think so i definitely would hope so um no i definitely hope so yeah and he's he's a you know i think he genuinely he was so proud of him he he didn't talk until he was eight years old wow i he he yeah he took eight years to learn to speak and like i'm becoming a teenager took eight seconds to learn to swear

he was bleeped in our house it would sound like we were living with r2d2 really non-stop yeah with the daughter you've got who's got down syndrome i don't know because we've had quite a lot of kids um parents of children with asperger's or autism or adhd but so what what are the kind of needs of looking after someone with down syndrome well so down syndrome again like autism has got you know a very wide spectrum and range of needs i mean down syndrome is the same and actually one of my big annoyances actually with like um certain charities that will promote um the incredible achievements of people with down syndrome is that they focus so much on the incredible the kind of black swans who are you know who have won BAFTAs and run conferences and there's a down a model with down syndrome it's on the front cover of Vogue and there's a someone

with down syndrome who's a Victoria's Secret model our daughter will never be like that I would say um as I say her she's like a she's. She has all the hormones of... No, sorry, she's 15. She'll be 16 this year. She has the hormones of a 15-year-old. But, yeah, she has a mental age of a 2-, 3-year-old. She spends most of her time watching. She loves Mr Tumble

and all the kind of toys a toddler would enjoy. She has a lot of physical needs. She's quite weak, muscular issues. She has a room downstairs. She doesn't really like going up and downstairs. She's had a lot of heart issues in her life, hearing issues, gastro issues. We're just constantly

in hospital appointments it's just extraordinary I mean she really you know I'm sure everyone says I love all my children equally but no she's just a little bit above everyone else she's like she's the real

love for me you know how like loving your child there's a little bit of narcissism involved because they're like an extinct she's not she's not she shares none of my genes so i don't even have that it's just this very pure love that i have for her and what does her going through her teenage hormones mean when she's watching mr tumble or like how does that articulate so i mean well obviously so she's physically so like she's she can't she needs a lot of personal care but she's actually um started her periods and all that kind of stuff right yeah like those kind of like teenage hormones like you know just angry teenage i mean you've got all this to look forward to just teenagers are so angry yeah no so she so

she's she's going through that i guess she has elements that let's say she gets very destructive when she's bored she really has to be occupied a lot because she she will just start stuffing wet wipes down the toilet and uh we couldn't get any hot water. And I just couldn't work out what was going on, called the plumber around. And he couldn't work it out. And he went to the utility room and he just realised that the switch had just been turned off. And he just goes around touching switches.

He's always turning off lights and stuff. He didn't charge me. He was very kind of him. That's nice. I've had a similar thing where it's just been that I didn't understand that there was a trip switch or whatever, and they have charged me in that situation, so that's good. Yeah, but I think that's you being lazy there as opposed to...

Yeah, I suppose once you say I've got a daughter with Down syndrome who's done that, it's difficult for them to charge you in that situation at that point. She's got Down syndrome and they meant the age of a three-year-old. So how much again? Thank you. That is one of the main reasons we adopted her, yes. That and a blue bag.

Very good. Very handy for shopping. How do you, because you've categorised your kids as the zappers and the cold play. So the kids without the extra needs, the cold play. Do they get on as the zappers and the cold play. So the kids without the extra needs, the cold play. Do they get on with the zappers? Is it like, how do they blend in? Obviously, because, you know, it's difficult for them.

If they need some help with their homework or whatever, but then your daughter needs help, it's like, it's hard for them to go, no, I want, you know, because all kids fight for their parents' attention. But when there's six, and on top of there being six, there's all different needs. How do you manage that? How does that work? Yeah, you're right.

I mean, no, for sure, in terms of the fighting for attention. And actually, one thing I will say also about my kids, they would have made brilliant 1970s shop stewards because they're like forever looking for little grievances of like, he had this, I had, you know, I've got that. It's like Kenneth Cope's character in carry on at your convenience they're like always like looking for things that could lead a walkout but i was very careful to use the word diagnosed i have three diagnosed children right that is to say the other children look they came out of my bullsack so you know let's let's be honest here

my fourth son edward he i would say has more classic signs of autism than the other two boys put together um but he so why has he not been diagnosed because he doesn't have well firstly we genuinely raised it once with the doctor with psychologist who said look i i don't mind uh doing another assessment he said but frankly people wouldn't believe you um he said this is just getting ridiculous now so um but genuinely doing really well at school and he has no you know just as I said, I might have autism and ADHD, but I don't have any educational needs. I don't need any education. He doesn't need it.

So my view is, you know what, if he, as an adult, when he's my age, if he wants to get himself assessed or young, whatever, then that's fine. That's his choice. But at the moment, he wouldn't need it. He just doesn't need it. Yeah. But at the moment, it wouldn't need it. He just doesn't need it. But now they, you know, they get on really well.

One thing about having a big family, they get on so well. My eldest two sons are absolute best friends. They just do everything together. And it's lovely. I really do get genuine pleasure out of seeing them the way they, the way they all get on. It really,

of course they argue, but lovely. And what do you think when you work, because you work on Fantasy Football League and Ellis James is coming in and he's got two kids who are cold plays and he's going, God, a tough morning. I had to get them to school or whatever.

And then you hear, you know, me or Rob complain about how difficult our lives are because i find people with one kid i'm like fucking you don't know the half of it how does it feel to you when you hear people like us talk yeah look it doesn't just because it doesn't i mean it's in all seriousness it doesn't diminish anyone else's load and how hard it is and um whether you have one or two or you know and as i say it's not in our case it's not just the number it's actually those needs and what have you yeah one of the things when you have got neurodiverse kids like my eldest son let's say he's got autism adhd the midwife didn't look at him and say oh your child is autistic it doesn't work this is something that gets assessed like at

a snail's pace so he was assessed uh uh he was diagnosed at three years of age and then my third son was diagnosed at six so had he been like had a had he come out of uh the womb and you'd immediately gone right this child's got autism and he's going to be an absolute load of work then maybe we'd have thought twice about having so many more kids. Of course, yeah. And that's the trouble, that you, you know, say not that I don't love them and wouldn't want them to return anyway. But that's something that, yeah,

you don't always know what is in your midst. Of course. Yeah. So when did you adopt what stage of the the kids were that and how old was your daughter boys um four boys yeah four boys and the youngest was like almost not even a few months old and we saw it so just this is the craziest thing i don't know how this even happened i was sat at home one evening looking at a local newspaper and i saw this advert that said opt to adopt um zoe is simply beautiful could you be the family for her and actually really it really it said it had simply beautiful

in quotes in quote marks as a comedian it really bothered me because they hadn't cited where that came from. Chortle. It felt like that. It felt like a made-up pull quote. I can't put that on my tour poster. No, no. Simply beautiful, the times. And I saw this.

And so it said, you you know we need a family from the London borough of Hackney and a places advert and I don't know what it just it just spoke to me and I spoke to Gemma and she had seen it independently and we just both thought you know what we could do this but

how we managed to get past this assessment process because the assessment process, right, if you don't know much about it, there's no reason why you wouldn't know a lot about it, it is so arduous, and it takes the best part of a year, but also, you know how like, basically any

pair of spotty teenagers could have sex tonight, and make a baby, and no one can stop them, but I feel really bad for parents who, particularly if they can't have children and want to adopt, the hoops you have to jump through are absolutely crazy. And they ask you the most nuts questions about your life.

Like they want to uncover everything. Like once the social worker asked me um she actually rang me in a panic and went oh there's a big hole in the report about you i said oh yeah what is it she said um when you were in primary school did you get invited to many birthday parties yeah like you need to know how much jelly i ate when i was 10 that's mad isn't it so my friends were trying to adopt and we i was one of their like references and they're chatting and the questions they were asking the way i was talking about it was like with such suspicion i know you don't want to give a kid to anyone the kind of thing but it was and in the end i don't think

they could get it because they had a flat and there were some stairs in their flat they were a little bit steep that you'd need like a stair gate. They went, oh, the flat's not suitable for kids. I was like, well, if that's the case, most houses in the country aren't suitable for kids. But when you have a baby, they were trying to adopt a baby, but when you have a baby, you do live in a flat that's unsuitable for about six months to a year,

but that's because you're carrying them everywhere. They don't matter. And then you move and you're trusted to be an adult like if you like you say anyone could go and have a kid biologically and have this kid anywhere in any house i'm like let's not stop a child and a couple from having a lovely life together let's take some fucking stairs on your form right exactly i mean and i do exactly they do this for good reason, obviously, and particularly because many adopted children will be among the most vulnerable children. Of course, yeah.

Obviously, the bar does need to be there. But yeah, if you, if parents, if every parent had to jump through these hoops and meet these criteria, no one would have any kids. No. My flat wouldn't have been suitable to have children to adopt, but we had kids in it because we were privileged enough to have one biologically. Right.

And all the questions as well, there were so many sex-based questions as well that were about our sex life that I'm sure the social worker was just taking a prurient interest. How big's your knob? Hang on a minute. There were questions like, how did you find out about sex? Who was most responsible for increasing your awareness?

The social worker one, and I'm a very cynical person, comedian, I can't take any of this kind of stuff seriously. So, like, she once asked, have you ever read a book or seen a film about adoption? And I replied, yes, The Omen. I did not find it funny.

I don't know how we managed to get through this. It's quite a remarkable thing. So she was, I should say, she was, well, when we started the process, I think she'd just turned one and she moved in with us. Yeah, she would have been two, two and a bit, two and just turned one. And she moved in with us. Yeah, she would have been two, two and a bit, two and a half maybe when she moved in with us. And yeah, she's now like 15 and a half. So it's been an amazing journey. And yeah, I don't know quite what is like a moment of madness.

But so it really teaches you a lot, really. And there's something quite special, actually, to be able to look at a child and go, really teaches you a lot really and and there's something quite special actually to be able to look at a child and go i chose you you know and i chose you exactly how you are and with all the needs you have we chose you the way you are and the way you'll always be and we chose to love you and that's i think that's something really special to be able to do that and how does she know that? Or can she not kind of comprehend that? No, she doesn't know.

What, as if she was adopted? No, no, not at all. She doesn't have contact with her birth family and stuff. But no, she doesn't have the capacity to understand that. I mean, nowadays it is the kind of dumb thing that it's very open, and I think people who adopt often meet uh they often meet the family or the very know their full stories might be but no she just doesn't have that is it's a hyper fixation stuff is that adhd or autism or is it a combination is it a blend that's more yeah i think that's

associated more with autism look i'm no i'm dead you know i'm very expected i'm no expert in this subject i really don't want to talk i'd say though you're very well experienced i'm very expected i'm no expert in this subject i really don't want to talk i'd say though you're very well experienced i'm well experienced exactly personal experience i'm not like yeah of course a doctor in it yeah no chapter and verse on all this but i think that's really important i think that's why your book's so good and so important and it's had amazing reviews from ellis james is hilarious fascinating and moving and loads of people have said amazing things about it is that not that like it's great to have the books by experts and the medical books and they're really important and have their place however you can't beat real life experience and someone that's

living with it and can make it fun so it doesn't feel so stressful and difficult and like pressurized and i think that's what your book's very good at doing. So don't play that down. I think this is really important to have these kinds of books written. Yeah, a hundred percent. But that was the aim. So basically I've written this book because this is the book I wish I'd read

16 years ago, because 16 years ago when Adam was diagnosed, he was three and I read quite a few books and stuff around it. And they were so bloody depressing. It was just awful. And I thought I wanted to write something that acknowledges all the challenges for sure, but focuses on the joy in our house and talks about the lighter side and, you know, talks about the huge rewards. Did you when you first got the diagnosis what how did you feel like did you were you worried or were you or was it a relief in a way or no definitely the latter yeah so no relief because it was like confirmation like we're not

just shit parents genuinely like because you got a child who it was, it came up because we first got in, sought professional help, I think he was 18 months. He had a very restricted diet and severe speech delay. And, you know, you are just thinking, you're looking at the other kids at nursery and they're talking already and they're doing this and they're doing that. And you're thinking, oh, my God, what have we done wrong? Are we just the world's crappiest parents? And to get that piece of paper, I mean, not to say we're not shit parents.

We might still be. That's just a coincidence. That might just be a coincidence, exactly. And I think that's so important. It was so reassuring. Look, for some people, a diagnosis is like, oh, my God, this is just the worst thing ever. But that's how I felt.

It felt like a relief, relief yeah knowing what we're dealing with yeah and and do you um do you have a vision of what kind of in 10 years time or whatever like how many do you think your kids at all be out in the world and stuff or do you it's kind it's like more than it is for maybe me and Rob this is almost your life's work isn't it in a way do you know what i mean yeah no no i i really it's i just don't know it's so hard to say so adam i think he actually wants to he loves being on his own he really wants to actually become a long distance lorry driver if possible um amazing genuinely i think he yeah walkie bars fine like swearing at people who cut him up in the traffic right exactly this is great it's perfect for him but he just he liked he's not

very sociable he likes being on his own um that's great i could imagine him doing that i think um my third son dylan he's he's an amazing character i mean he he could talk bollocks for england so he just he he like the youtube and tiktok terrible inventions for someone like him because he just spent his whole life telling us about crap that he's seen and what have you and he's also done amazingly well like he he actually last year was on uh the year before a, a BBC show called Britain's Best Young Artist. And if you'd have told me 10 years before that, that he'd be able to be on network, you know, on national TV and not make a total twat of himself, it's amazing how they do change.

So, you know what? I don't have a vision of what 10 years will be like uh into the future but you know that's great i'm kind of excited to see what happens i think it's amazingly it's such a great attitude and you're so like so inspiring do you is there a points there must be points where there might not be but where you're just at home and it's six people and it's carnage and it's Saturday afternoon or whatever. And you're like, you just think fucking how it would be so easy just to have two cold plays in

this situation. Oh yeah. All the time. For sure. We all said when we were young, we we go i didn't ask to be born you know but it's so true that in it like you don't ask to be born and so you can't blame your kids for for yeah yeah you're on yourself but like my kids will sometimes say they go to school with like people who've gone on holiday to dubai or they've gone there and whatever. And I go, well, I don't want to make you feel bad, but there's eight of us.

They've only got two kids, and that's quite a lot. Of course, there are times where you think, God, if we only had two kids, we'd be able to do this, we'd be able to do that. But yeah, the pros, there are so many pros outweigh the cons. And we will sometimes just sit down and have a chaotic dinner. And I do stop and look around and just think, this is great. I love this.

And I love how much they get on. They've got this thing where they'll like, often on a Friday night, they'll go out and get a pizza together. And it's just great. I really get such joy seeing how they get on and did your wife have any any any any autism or adhd or anything like that or i don't think so no and she's i mean look she she does the real work she's because i'll say she's got an x because there's an extra because because of you're in the house as well right exactly with lots of people

different things going on i'll be very clear i. The dedication of the book says for Gemma, who does the real work, I just wrote a book about it. I'm not going to try and lie and take credit. She's amazing. She's actually a head teacher as well, so she has such a – Oh, wow. Yeah. So she has a full-on job there's so many questions like just practical questions that come into my head like what's the

food shop like yeah or like what's how do you stay on top of washing yeah so the the food i mean the food is a major issue not just for the number of people, but for the additional needs, because we have so much like food sensitivities and stuff. Like, yeah, I think I say in the book, like visits to the supermarket are preceded by a prayer that some new foods have been invented this week. this week because for Dylan any food has to be completely white. Food without any taste, without any smell.

So what's that? Rice? Milk? White bread? Yeah. You're waiting for somebody to invent the taste-free, texture-free chicken, basically. I think Lou had a good go at it at the weekend to be honest

that is a lazy bit of comedy lou actually did an excellent chicken i apologize for that no it was good lou's actually lou's actually up to game she's got really good at cooking out of nowhere to be honest and she'd admit that. But, yeah, sorry for the lazy comedy. Go on, yourself. Look, lazy comedy is all I do. I don't think anyone's going to come away from this episode and go, I'll tell you the thing about that bloke. He was lazy, wasn't he?

Not in parenting, just comedic. Yeah, just comedic. But, yeah, no so a lot of special needs children a lot of parent any listeners this or who've got kids with additional needs would recognize this um the the food issues i know people who whose kids luckily my kids don't do this one but whose food has to be on the plate like like separate, they can't touch. Just all kinds of issues regarding meals. Let's say it was my eldest son's restricted diet, which actually led to his diagnosis.

So yeah, food is a real issue. But practical issues, I'll tell you, like, here's a time when I was talking about going away. We did once all go to Greece some years ago. Oh, my word. So yeah, so we went to Greece, but I was talking about, like, you know, issues of flying and stuff. So this is totally true. We turn up and they go, you can't come on the plane because you've got six kids and adults need to be sat next to them.

It's like there were only two adults. The plane has to wait. Everyone has to get on board and then we'll try and work it out so we come on board people are tutting as we're getting on board can i ask a question on this sorry should it not flag it when you buy the tickets if they're going to flag it at the airport quite exactly so we so they come on but we go on board right and they say we've got this situation would somebody move to sit with these three children right and like people are like we're like god this is never going to take off so this young guy he's in his 20 early 20s gets up and goes yeah i'll sit with him right

legend yeah they were it was with his family they were from la um and they'd been in london for a week and now they were flying on to greece for an extra part of their vacation and i think he thought he was going to have a kip on the plane right but he's down next to my sons and i say to them look behave you know i said i said to him don't worry they've got screens you don't have to do anything but my dylan it was a say he he just can talk shit for england he he he says to this guy like where are you from and he goes la and he just kind of goes oh hollywood and he basically spoke to this guy non-stop for four hours he made them and i remember remember Dylan said to him, do you like The Simpsons?

And this idiot, instead of saying no, said yeah. And what followed was an inquisition of favourite episode, favourite cameo, least favourite episode.

At one point, I heard Dylan performing the entire episode Home of the Great and singing the song. And he's asked... You didn't think you should step in at this point? Well, there's nothing I could do. I had to stay in my seat.

I would say within the four hours you could have popped up for a bit and gone, Dylan, mate, calm down on the scenes as well. Every time I went back to check could see, to check on him, I just heard him say, you know, have you seen the Star Wars holiday special? Have you been living near Adam West? He was my favourite Spider-Man villain. And when the plane landed, this bloke,

he didn't even wait for the seatbelt sign to go off. He was up, he was out. He looked at me like, I want to kill you. And I said, look, mate, I've got to live with him. He's only been there four hours. Is that why you've put on a UK tour? So you can have a bit of space? Exactly, of course.

Brilliant. Actually, I'll go through the dates of people that want to come and see. You can buy the book. This is a bit poignant going through the dates, isn't it, Rob? Oh, it's Steve Wright. Because this is the poor old Steve Wright passed away. Rest in peace. We love Steve Wright here at Parenting Health.

And this was his thing, wasn't it? So in honour of Steve Wright, here's all your gigs listed out. So you've got Guildford G Live, Hemel Hempstead, Old Town Hall, Radlett Centre, Didcock Cornerstone Arts Centre, Winchester Theatre Raw, then into May, Birmingham MAC, Swindon Arts Centre, Whole Social, Salford Low May, Birmingham MAC, Swindon Arts Centre Whole Social, Salford Lowry Salford Lowry, always got it wrong, Leeds Carriageworks then June, Colchester

London, Exeter, Brighton, Milton Keynes, more dates to be added good luck with it Ashley thank you can they follow you on Instagram ashleyblaker.com B-L-A-K-E-R and Instagram etc yeah the Ashley Bl you on Instagram? AshleyBlaker.com, B-L-A-K-E-R, and Instagram, et cetera. Yeah, the AshleyBlaker on Instagram.

I'm not a massive social media user, in fairness, but they, yes. Why are you not dedicating more time to your Instagram, Ashley? You're too busy. What a lazy sod you are. Yeah. There's a photo on your website of you with your six children this lovely photo and I wonder what that

photo shoot was like did you have to take them all to a photo shoot studio and stuff or is that just a photo no so that was yeah Steve Ullathorne you might know very good photographer of comedians and well so basically everything,

and obviously the cover of, he took the photos on the cover of the book and all those photos. So he basically, anything that involves my children involves the most extraordinary amount of bribery. The advance I got for this book, most of it went on bribes to be on the cover,

to be, the book was serialized in theay times they they came and did a photo shoot and and again that involved a huge amount of bribery so yeah everything has got a price that's what i find in our house wow negotiators actually should be my agent what do they normally ask for it it's it's usually food related right but cash cash as well like yeah no we yeah and then so because i also got a radio 4 series and they um called ashley blake is 6.5 children and they appear as themselves in right as we did two series of that and is it like a sitcom it's like a it's standup with bits of in the house. Right, okay. And they appear as themselves.

And again, that required a lot of, rightly so, they should be paid for their work. But the amazing thing is, right, Zoe, right, she's got Down syndrome, mental age of a two-year-old, what have you. She's actually got her own page on the British Comedy Guide. That's right. She's actually got, there

is some, you know, that stand-up comics on the circuit who have got fewer credits than a girl with Down syndrome. So that is, I love that. I absolutely love that. You've got two series credits on the British

Comedy Guide. Brilliant. There'll be some comedians I can think of that'll be very bitter about that. Yeah. Oh, should we do the final question, Josh? Oh, yes. Yeah. We always end with the same question, which is, what one thing does your wife do that kind of blows you away,

the parenting that you just couldn't manage yourself, that you're just in awe of? More importantly to us, what one thing does she do that annoys you but you haven't had the guts to say but if she were to listen to this then um this is your way to tell her not to do that yeah well the first part is easy because i'll say i've already said like she does everything so i you know i i all the amazing people my children have become is solely down to her and i will only take credit for their flaws so uh that that's for sure and how she does it with being a head teacher as well i don't know uh in terms of the latter part oh that's harder but i think um one thing i will say

she hates football as no person at all and my eldest two are like liverpool obsessives as well and i think she just needs to understand there are times you can't speak to us there are times that we're too sad to talk there are times where you want to talk and you know so apologies again to listeners who aren't interested in football but jordan clopp liverpool's manager my my love of my life, recently announced he was leaving Liverpool. And our house was like someone had died, genuinely. And Jeremy just came up to me and said, I don't understand. Why are people so upset about Gerard Houllier retiring?

No, no, no. He died four years ago. I don't know where you got this from. You've got a tattoo of him on your leg. I know, and yet that's how little interest he has. You've got a lot of tattoos, though, actually. I've just done a look online. You're covered in them.

You look like a cage fighter. Exactly. I do have the world's least macho tattoos. I would say, you know, the photos I've seen of you, I haven't looked at your tattoo photos but I tell you you don't look like someone who's going to produce

a load of tattoos do you know what I mean yeah yeah I did I was on what show was it Ricky Wilson you know

the Kaiser radio show and he said and I was it was in the summer I was wearing a t-shirt and he said

it looks like your head has been photoshopped onto your body. And, yeah, there is an element of that. Yeah, quite a few football related. I have the words corner taken quickly, a rigi down my leg, a tattoo of Roberto Firmino. But, yeah, there's a lot of silly, very colourful tattoos.

Well, it's a pleasure to speak to you. Thanks so much. The book is out in paperback, do I want to say? Yeah, so Norma Smalls is out in hardback at the moment. Paperback is in July. Don't wait for that, though. Get the hardback and the paperback, obviously. Double.

Exactly, get both. And then the tour starts in april brilliant oh good luck with it thanks so much ashley cheers ashley love comedy love gossip you're in luck check out the always be comedy podcast where you'll find top tier chats with the likes of Stephen Merchant, Romesh Ranganathan, Maisie Adam, Rose Matafayo, Josh Widdicombe, Stuart Lee, and many more. That's the Always Be Comedy podcast with Tim Lewis and me, James Gill,

available everywhere you get podcasts. And if you're a fan of Parenting Hell, and in particular, producer Michael, he's the guest on this week's Always Be Comedy bonus podcast episode.