Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP2: OLD SCHOOL PARENTING

Episode Date: January 12, 2024

It's a double solo week this week with more misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh for your ear holes right here... Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with teddy can you say rob beckett Teddy, can you say Rob Beckett?

Rob Beckett. Teddy, can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Well done. There we go. Very efficient. Very efficient Widdicombe. Yeah, I like Teddy as a name.

This is us on Teddy having a go at saying your names. He turns two on Sunday, and I started listening to the pod during night feeds when he was tiny. We've been so excited for the day. You can say your names. This podcast has got me through a lot and never miss an episode. We came to see the live show last year and loved it. I hope you're taught again.

Are we touring again, Josh? Let's get our standup tours out of the way. First drop out the way out the way. I've got my first gig back tomorrow night. I don't need to think about the lockdown parenting out

or of 2028. Just enjoy the process of it, Josh. I do enjoy the process. I wrote some stand-up yesterday, Rob. I was fucking loving it. And then I realised

that is the best bit, isn't it, when you go, I've written down some ideas that I'm going to say out loud. Oh, Friday afternoon? They're funny. Let's see if they're funny Sunday night.

Do you want to, I'm doing a gig in January, if you want to do it, on the 24th of January in Soho around 4.30. Yes, please. It's called Rob Beckett and Elyse One Friend. Oh, can I put that in my diary now? Yeah, you can do that. Because we had Steve Emerchant the other day. Yeah, thought about that because I put an Instagram story up about the fact i was starting stand-up again

yeah taught to follow at some point guys steve a merchant texted me but he texted me like we had a conversation like we would have had in 2008 or 9 yeah where it was like what gigs do you do what could you recommend some good we were like talking to each other about which of the good gigs to do. That's what's amazing. He's like, couldn't be more established, more recognised, more successful in the UK and America. Greatest sitcom of all time, The Office, he co-created. Worth an absolute fortune.

Still loves scrapping around for little gigs inside because nothing's better than stand-up. It's my favourite thing to do. So he was brilliant. He came and did it because the show I do is called Rob Beckett and At Least One Friend to make it easier to book. But yeah, Lloyd Griffith's done one. You're going to do one.

Stephen Merchant's done one. They're supposed to be a surprise, but the ticket's already sold already. 4.30. That's good, isn't it? It's lovely, isn't it? Everyone's 0 by 6 or in the fucking boozer. Normally at home. Normally straight to the MPC car park,

heading back to London. I like park nearby. So it doesn't sound ideal. It's a 4.30 p.m. start. You'll still get people going, it's like I'm going first. I can get back early. I've got more normal time gigs coming up,

but I think a lot of people are quite up for them start times. How big is it? 180 or something, 150, 200. I sometimes think if you've got kids as well, it's easier to get someone and they're at school, to have them after school for a few hours. And then say you come to that shower at four, you get home by eight o'clock and grab the kids.

Anyway, Josh, let's talk about your kids. Let's stop talking about us and stand up. I've just had a bad incident, Rob. Oh no, what's happened? Literally. So we're stop talking about us and stand up. I've just had a bad incident, Rob. Oh, no. What's happened? Literally. So we're recording the Tuesday and the Friday episodes. This is together.

Yes. I went down to make a tea between them. Rose said, you slagged me off yet? Oh. I said, no, no. Why would I have slagged you off? Yeah. She said, because you always do.

Oh, okay. We're laughing, but you know. Getting in your head. Yeah. And then I said, oh yeah yeah well i think we're going to do one of those lou and rose response episodes soon she said yeah i've been keeping notes oh well this needs to get set up for next week oh god i find because i'm normally at my office but because it's christmas and new year and we're a bit all over the place i'm doing these ones from home yeah on a saturday morning at 8 office, but because it's Christmas and New Year and we're a bit all over the place, I'm doing these ones from home on a Saturday morning at 8am. And it's

always quite difficult because this is our job. This is work. We get paid to do this and we have to do this and we have to deliver episodes by set as much as we love it. If we just didn't do it, there's consequences. We'd break our contract. We'd break it. I said to, I was like, oh, I'm going to go in to do it now. So if you could keep the kids quiet, you don't mind just keeping the lid on the kids, I'm going to go in to do it now. So if you could keep the kids quiet, you don't mind just keeping the lid on the kids while I'm going to go in there and talk about looking after them while you look after them, okay?

So Rose has got a bit of an issue with you actually, hasn't she? Has she? Well, it seems like it. She wants to come on and she's kept notes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's something to look forward to. Does she want to tease us for anything or should we just save it for the next time? We'll save it.

I don't know what it is. You texted me the other day saying you had quite a stressful 48 hours and you was away from home or something. Just as a nice thing to start. Yeah. Do you want to say how wonderful Rose is? Should we do New Year messages to our wives? New Year's thanks.

New Year's thanks on the honours list. Yeah. The Parenting Hells honours list. Louis Rose every year. So I should just say I received a tip. thanks new year's thanks on the honors list yeah the parent in hell's honors list lure rose every year so i should just say i received a tip you know fay who works off the curb of course you do off the curbs our agent face um she will have booked you into that roger black estate agent gig oh yeah she's an agent but also does a lot of the corporate work doesn't she she sent me a great idea rob okay she sent me a video she said you should mention this on the show and i thought i will so you know those squeegees that window cleaners use yeah

not just a professional but you'd use it to maybe if you're cleaning your car windscreen or whatever so the squashy one was material or one that just the one that's a line a plastic line and it just makes it bone dry yeah yeah a video of a mum who'd taken one to the park and she was just using it on all of the things on the slide oh that is a game change she's on the honours list she's on the honours list carol vorderman she's on the honours list yeah big win for her isn't that a great idea it is it is It's mad. It makes you look mad. It does make you look... Yeah. Your kids are a bit old for it now.

But, I mean, I haven't gone out and bought one, but I think it's a brilliant idea. I think you should and do some Instagram videos about it. Okay, I'm going to order one now. I would say, though, if it's that rainy, I'm not going to the park. No, but sometimes there's just a bit of water, isn't there? There's just a bit of residue.

Yeah, because it sort of can't slide off. Yeah, no, I'm all for it. I think it's a great idea, especially if you go to the park as much as you do. Exactly. Rob?

Yeah? Add to basket. I'll do your video for next week. I would love to know what anyone's most immediate purchase of all time was. £7.62.

Have I told you the story about the radio host? My friend's a producer and they had a radio host that was quite well off and someone came in the show, they interviewed him. I don't want to say who it is because I don't want to get anyone in trouble. And they was interviewing someone who was famous.

They come on the radio show to chat to the host and the host was like, wow, you're in really great shape. What have you been doing? And the guy said, oh, I've got this new rowing machine. Have I told this story? Yeah, and he just bought it there and I've got this new rowing machine have I told this to you yeah you've got and he just bought it there and then

yeah so rowing machine and he literally went oh what's it called I'm typing this at Amazon my mate saw it over his shoulder he bought like a two and a half grand rowing machine fucking hell

it's not only having the two and a half grand to do that it's knowing you've got the space exactly yeah that's the bigger flex

isn't it why are you in radio if you've got that kind of money anyway normally divorce Exactly. That's the bigger flex, isn't it? Why are you in radio if you've got that kind of money? Anyway. Normally divorce. Normally divorce. Divorce or addiction. They're the big money drainers.

Or addicted to divorce, some people. Some people are. So, you're like this. I was in the park. Right, obviously. So, what happens is my daughter will ride her bike and then my son will go on the scooter helmets yes and i'll push him along yeah so it's basically it's a way of just pushing him along but occasionally i'll give him a big push and he'll go 10 20 yards or whatever yeah so i give him a big push. We're on the road bit

that's in the park and he veers off, hits the pavement straight over. I thought, this could be bad, but what do you do? You don't react. I mean, I'd say you react, but you don't completely ignore

him and be awkward. You don't do that. You get him up and you go, it's all fine. And I thought, I'll push him straight away again so that it's like getting back on the horse and he was fine. And then an old bloke, old East End bloke was walking past to watch the whole thing.

Never felt such pride as this moment, Rob. He went, good to see some old school parenting. Respect. Get back on that fucking scooter, boy. I'm crying. Wipe the blood out of your mouth. Get on with it. You mind.

I'm so pleased with myself. That is good, though, because you do see a lot of people, like, it's called helicopter parenting where they're all over them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Because they're not really hurt, are they? No. Well done, Josh.

Yeah, thank you. Even the geezers of East London just absolutely smashing it together. Yeah, well, here's the other side of me, Rob. Go on. You started hitting them. Settle an argument, because I said to Rose I'd bring this up on the show. You judge for this. We went to see Dear England. There's a play about Gareth Southgate. Are you aware of this we went to see dear england there's a play about

garris southgate are you aware of this no i'm not i'm not actually really what about he's asked the villain days yeah there's a play in the west end about garris southgate's time as england manager really he's not done anything it's about him changing the culture of the england football team okay and who he is and what. It's really good. Is it? I was going to say, I just didn't feel like there was enough source material. No, there is actually.

I wouldn't say Harry Kane will be delighted with his portrayal. Oh, no. As one of the thickest men ever living. Do you know what? He's not at all. He's very with it. He's not. He's just his voice.

And when he's doing straight interviews. The guy who plays Harry Kane is fucking hilarious. Okay. Do you know what? It's the only time I think anyone's ever been to the theatre. And I never thought I'd say these words. I mean, that is a fucking good impression of Alex Scott. Oh, shit.

The woman that played Alex Scott. There's a bit about... Fucking hell, what's going on here? It's my Stanley Cup. Lou got me a Stanley Cup. It's what all the cool mums have at school,

I think. It's like a thing on Instagram. How heavy is that? Fucking heavy, mate. Hold it next to your head. It's bigger than my head. It's like me WD-40.

It's bigger than your head. Give me WD-40 out of my head. You live in a world where nothing's the right size. I know, it's magic, isn't it? Yeah, so anyway, she was great, the Alex Scott. Do you know what?

She was so good, Rob, I almost went on to apologise for ignoring her in Madonna. Just to sort of play it out and get it... Just make it wrong, right, Rob. Sorry, wrong. Sorry, Alex.

Yes, anyway. So why are we talking about Gareth Southgate? So it's a matinee. I've never been to a matinee during the week before. Yeah. What I'd say is we were the youngest people there by 20 years. Sure. Okay.

It was them some old people there. So there was a queue down the road and then we joined the back of the queue and then it transpired there was another queue that was like coming the other side of the road and joining and we you know you often get it in the Pleasance Courtyard at Edinburgh you get these like split queues and then people join the back of the yeah anyway the queue was moving and then we joined and then it transpired we joined halfway between right the queue and i was like we've got to join the back and rose was like it doesn't matter it's sort of a bit of a bum fight no one's going to call you out on it no that's what she said she her actual words were when i started panicking i was like we can't do this you've got to join the back yeah she said

what do you think someone's going to sell the story to the Daily Mail? Lovely stuff. And I was like, no, it's just the right thing to do. Yeah, fair enough. And I said, I'll bring it up on the podcast. I'll let Rob settle who was in the right and who was in the wrong. I'd say sometimes. Or maybe that's not the right thing to do in that situation. I think normally it's absolutely fine.

However, sometimes the TV tax tax you don't want to be known as joshua because the q jumper no no but i think if it's coming from numerous sources the q i think you're fine to ride it out and just ignorance is bliss yeah that's what we did can i ask you a question about what you so in the swimming you know when you get your kids swimming yeah they need to go to toilet yeah they go to toilet do you or the kids or whoever after you've been a toilet it's a swimming pool toilet They go to a toilet. Do you or the kids or whoever, after you've been to a toilet, it's a swimming pool toilet just adjacent to the swimming pool. Do you wash your hands after going to the toilet?

Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Now, Lou said, no, you don't need to. I was like, that is mental. Of course you do. What if you've got- What, because of the swimming pool? Yeah, because you're going in the swimming pool.

It's like, no, you've got to wash your hands. Because it's got chlorine. Yeah, exactly. But then you don't want to make the swimming pool dirty for other people. Anyway, this was like a wee anyway. We a massive shit don't panic yeah yeah then i saw the other question you've been a toilet in the swimming pool toilets you wash your hands do you dry them oh no no there was a man there drying his hands i'm like you're basically swimming

you're not just in your old body Just your dry hands I was aware I was like Why are you drying your hands In the toilet Anyway Was it good dear England It's fucking brilliant

But it closes The day this episode Goes out You off Lou No No Oh so Lou's in the living room

Where I am Or the front room Whatever you want to call it And she's off to a kids party today And I said Are you coming to say goodbye? And Lou's now realised she hasn't got a present for the party. Can I just explain?

Can she explain? You can explain. Go on, talk into the... Periodically, when I go past Smiggle, I go in and I buy maybe 15 things all at once. Oh, gosh. You're such a fucking good parent. You never pay full price.

They've always got 40% off. And I buy lovely stationery sets that girls love and I have them all in the cupboard. What I didn't do was check my stock and now I don't have one for the party. And I'd also forgotten about the party. I do, I do. I have trade-sized WD-40.

Okay, so Lou's now wandering around the house trying to find a present for her birthday party. No, Lou, can we not? I don't want to discuss re-gifting on the podcast. People will listen. Lou's going to the shop on the way instead. Just a wink. Lou's going to the shop on the way instead.

Just a wink. We've got a new cleaner, Rob. Okay. Her English isn't brilliant. Okay, sure. Where's she from? Spain. Spanish, okay.

Yeah. How's your Spanish? Improving. Okay, poco. Because I do Google Translate, text her. Yeah. The last one she sent me, I didn't need to translate i knew it oh really was it gracias muchas gracias she says which is thank you she's still texting spanish even stuff like muchas gracias she texts in spanish fully yeah and then i text her in spanish we've decided that the language we're gonna translate into is spanish

rather than rather than I'm doing the legwork. To be fair, in the relationship, she's mainly doing the legwork because she's cleaning. The piano work. That's leg in Spanish. Okay, perfecto. Muchas gracias.

That is... Okay, great. See you on Monday the 8th. Muchas gracias. Thank you. That's good. Yeah. There you go. Anyway, first day she turns up, Rob.

Yeah. I just got out of the shower. Yeah. I'm in a towel and a t-shirt and I answer the door. Towel and t-shirt. I'm in a towel. Yeah. And then I put on a t-shirt to go answer the door.

Answer the door. Hola. Is that a name? I say, wait there. I'm just gonna um go and get changed yeah point to my bedroom and then i walk up to my bedroom start taking the towel off turn around she's just stood there what did she say? It's already clean. She thought you were saying, come with me, but you were saying I'm going.

Yeah, she thought I was saying, come to my bedroom. We'll start the cleaning. God, your mother thought you was a right freak. So there we go. That happened. I want to hear about your kid. You said your son wouldn't go asleep at your father-in-law's or something. Here we go. This is where it starts.

It gets juicy, yeah? Post-Christmas, a lot of people to fit in. Take my daughter down to Devon. We do the family down there. I just go with my daughter because it's much easier. We can get the train together. She loves the train down. And then we can get the train back. If I took train down. And then we can get the train back.

If I took my son, it would just be a faff. Right. And he won't remember it anyway. Lou's just showed me a present. Sorry, I didn't run out. Go on. What is it? Big Teddy.

I think she ordered an extra one by accident. And then she's got a big teddy. The girl's got a big teddy. Yeah. The girl's an eight, though. That is not a present for an eight-year-old. You can't give an eight-year-old a teddy. I looked in Lou's eyes, and she's been round the whole house.

And I was like, she's got nothing else apart from the big teddy here. Can't she just go for her, I suppose, where you live? We ordered a big teddy for the six-year-old, and two arrived by accident. And then I think, I don't know what they did, but we had a spare teddy. Yeah. So she's got big teddy. We'll see how that goes down. The parents will probably listen to this.

That's what we're dealing with here, Josh. And there's no way of getting to a shop on the way. The party starts in 40 minutes and I'd say they're a 35 minute drive away. Oh God. Do you know what I'd do in that situation? What's that? I'd go,

you're not going to believe this. I've left the present at home wrapped. I'll bring it in on Monday. Yeah, that is a shout, but then you've got to go and shop tomorrow. The other option is a big teddy from 8-year-old Rob. The 8-year-olds still like big teddies, though, don't they? Yeah, but do they want a gift? Yeah. Do they want

it to be received in public? I don't know. Hello? it to be received in public i don't know hello it's an angel teddy they all love stitch now the older kids love stitch and angel don't they yeah spoiler alert no the child's getting it in a minute this isn't going out yeah yeah this isn't live this isn't the parents aren't at home listening to this no anyway so you've gone down to devon. Come back up. It's a nice little trip.

Nice trip. We had three different people around on Boxing Day. We've done a lot of people. Yeah. Then the next day, we're driving to Lewis near Brighton to see Rose's dad and his wife. We get there. It's very nice. And it's nighttime, Rob.

And you don't go there much, do you, with the kids during the year, do you? It's more of a visiting family at Christmas kind of thing. We've never stayed there. We'd normally go in the day and come back because it's not that far away. So we brought a travel cot, Rob. They've got a bed for the two kids. My son still sleeps in a cot. I think he's getting to the end of it.

Yeah, because how old is he now, two? Two. He's ready to leave the cot. Why? You think you got him a bed? Because we're redoing the house this it. Yeah, because how old is he now? Two? Two. He's ready to leave the cot. Why? You think you got him a bed? Because we're redoing the house this year. Right. Not completely redoing it,

but there's various rooms that are going to be changed. You don't want a big bed that you've got to move in and out to paint it and stuff, is it? We're just like, we'll just do it then. Yeah.

Because we're doing his room. Yeah, he'll be in that cot till he's six now. We'll be doing your room at some point, mate. Don't you worry. So let's not rush to the bed. Okay.

Anyway, they've got a bed set up that both kids can sleep in both kids are very excited about this lovely little sleepover yeah moment they get in the bed it's obvious it's not gonna happen there's no fucking way they're both suddenly sleeping in a bed together they've never done it before so they're just not into it at all he hates it she's up for it but go and get the travel cot from the car yeah coming with the travel cot they're quite small as well travel cuts isn't yeah it's far too small it's far too small he is fucking furious my daughter's like well he goes sleep in your room can i sleep in your room as well so the cot's in your room yeah we put a bed on the floor of our room so all four of us are now in our room right okay see my instinct on this situation would be why don't you just sleep with your daughter in the one room and rose sleeps with your son in the

other room and just leave him until he gets to sleep well that's what we did on holiday that's what we did on holiday because the bed in the other room is like a small child's bed. Right. Okay. I needed to go in the double. And so my daughter's lying on the floor. He won't go to sleep in the travel cot. No.

He's stood up. He's furious. He's saying, I want to go home. This is about 8pm by this point. Yeah. We try him on the double bed. Yeah. No dice.

So he's not even laying down. He's just wandering around going, nope. Yeah. He's just wandering around going, nope. Yeah. He's just wandering around going, nope. This point, I said to Rose, I genuinely think I'm going to have to just drive him home. Is this in front of him as well? Yeah.

I'll be honest. Me suggesting that is really ups the I want to go home. Once he hears me offer it as an option. I mean, once he's heard his dad go, I might drive him home. Absolute disaster, Rob. So what happened? Well, I didn't lose my head. Rose is like, they've got dinner on the table as well at this point.

I basically have to go out and go, we're going to have to relay for dinner. Rose is going to sit in there. I'm going to come out and have dinner with you. And then I'm going to go in. Yeah. Rose is going to come out. So I have dinner with them. Rose just sits in the bedroom and just ignores him.

Eventually, after half an hour to 45 minutes, he goes down. Oh, hang on. There's a kid screaming, Josh. Sorry. Here we go. No worries. One second. Sorry.

I'm back. Sorry. Oh, God. What was that? Do you reckon many podcasts, one of the hosts has to leave and go and wipe a child's arse? I can't see Alistair Campbell doing it. Do you think Rory Stewart does it himself?

I'm sorry, go on. So you're 45 minutes trying to get him to sleep. That's where we ended it, wasn't it? Yeah, 45 minutes trying to get him to sleep that's where we ended it wasn't it yeah 45 minutes trying to get him to sleep eventually he goes down

yeah Rose comes out my daughter's still awake this is 10 to 9 by now she's trying to sleep on the floor yeah but obviously she's been there

for the whole thing yeah so she's like you go in and deal with our daughter about half 9 we get her down do you know

I don't think that's too bad for Christmas. My kids have been going to bed well late. The fucking bedtimes at Christmas have got out of hand. It's mental. It's insane. My daughter doesn't sleep in. It's not like she goes to bed at 10 and wakes up at 9.

I'm like, bloody hell, I need to get her back on earlier bedtime so she gets ready. She's up at 6 every day. We've not been down before 9 p.m now for so long yeah no it's not so like we'll try and get him up earlier my younger one sort of goes to sleep earlier but she was still awake a quarter to ten last night she was knocking around it's fucking mental it's fucking absolutely insane it's weird i think it's because it gets dark so early they're just used to being dark but it's like it It's easier in spring and autumn where it's a bit like,

oh, it's getting a bit dark now. But in the summer and winter, it's like... Is it ever possible to drag it back once it's gone? No. So basically, school will properly tie them out. So now they're back at school. They'll go to bed at 10, but wake up at 6 or 7. But they're not just laying on the sofa.

Instead, they're having to think and do sport and write and all that so that'll knock them out and they'll be absolutely awful but this is Friday now so I imagine we've obviously recorded this earlier in the week

there'll be absolutely terrible Friday night so tonight the kids are going to be horrific and aggy the next day I just realised Rob

yeah by this point I'm done talking I've done enough socializing for Christmas right yeah I hit that wall as well where it's like I just don't want to sit down with people and eat a mince pie and talk about the telly or what's going on yeah so it's just unfair on whoever comes last do you know what I mean yeah yeah I just realized I'm offering nothing in conversation because I'm just talked out.

I think that's what Christmas does. And that's a bit, you know, we talk about birthdays and stuff in January. It's like people are done with catching up with people. Yeah. Do you know what? The moment I knew I was talked out was I was in the toilet at Rose's dad's. I was doing a Buzzfeed quiz on whether I'm an introvert.

Are you? yeah 100% you got 100% on introvert? yeah it was like you're a big introvert and what does that mean? I think you just you find socialising tiring and stressful

yes I think you are an introvert as well probably yeah I think I enjoy going out and doing gigs which feels like is an extrovert thing but that's because i'm in control of it you know one talks back yeah there's not many people i can sit down with and it's not a bit of an effort to have a conversation i do sort of sometimes like if you are chatting to someone and the chat's not quite good enough, I sort of feel like I could be watching, like, Game of Thrones instead of talking to you. I could just be looking at the internet,

and there's so much more on there than what you could offer. But then sometimes you sit and chat to someone, it's really fun. It is. When you're in the mood. But it drains you. It absolutely drains you. Ellis James, who we've had on this i was talking to him about he's like this he cycled to kennington on christmas night just to be on his own he just

went for a bike ride i think as well i do think it's overwhelming when you've got kids because they constantly ask questions and talk to you like it's's every second, like, Dad, whatever. And it's all nice stuff and it's lovely and you feel really mean for being tired, but it's like your brain constantly has to engage and answer rather than it just being quiet. So I think when you've got young kids, and there'll be people with teenagers now going, I wish they spoke to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

But it's the fact you start the day, the moment you start the day, you're talking to someone. I mean, you are starting the day at 6 a.m. with your feet being tickled. Exactly, yeah. And then they're immediately in your face going, I'm hungry. Like literally, where's my iPad? I'm hungry. So anyway, the next day we drop in on on Susie Ruffle and Alice and their daughter.

Oh, because they lived down that way, didn't they? Yeah. And it was very nice. They got a real empty shell of a Josh Whittakin that day. They didn't get me on my A game. I still delivered, but they knew. It wasn't vintage. It wasn't vintage, mate.

And then we get in the car. It's an hour and a half home. And I'm like, we're both just desperate for this will be our first evening to ourselves yeah the whole christmas because rose's mum's been there because she's had an operation just before christmas yeah she stayed with you for a couple of weeks didn't she over christmas yeah so just you and rose is the first night together in weeks me and rose and the next day is the first day nursery's back open. And Rose's mum and Rose's sister are going to take my daughter out.

So we're going to have the house to ourselves. Oh, lovely. Nice little day together. Yeah. So we've done it. We've got to the end of Christmas. And then driving along, my sat-nav literally, as I get to a roundabout, says, do you want to change route? As I pull off the roundabout, it removes the do you want to change route option.

It literally gave me a second to readapt my route on a roundabout. Yep. By failing that, we then get caught in an hour and a half tailback. Sat completely stationary. Kids awake or asleep at that point? They're awake. They're watching their iPads. Do they watch them in the car?

Mine get a bit sick doing that. Yeah, they can watch them in the car, which is... They've never watched their iPads in the car, mine. They wouldn't watch it to school or anything. I know, I'm not criticising, but ours have just never done it. We just go, no. And then I was once in a long taxi journey and i gave my daughter she watched her ipad and then she threw up so yes for some reason it works in the car but not in the taxi right okay i think it's because it's attached to the seat so it's stationary we've got an attachment

that attaches it to the back of the seat in front. So it's like a screen on the back. And headphones on, headphones off? We'd like headphones on, but they're always off. Okay. So they're watching two separate things. Yeah. But my daughter's often playing games. Right.

Okay. Fair enough. I hate that noise. It's awful. Okay, cool. So at least I've got the iPad. So they're fine. Yeah.

Hour and a half tailback. And then Rose's mum, who's doing us a big favour by taking our door out the next day, says, am I right to stay at yours tonight? Because obviously there's no room for your sisters and they'll be helping getting your door out. So there goes our evening together. But that's fine.

She's doing us a big favour. So I'd say, yeah yeah it's a good swap yeah fair enough yeah great to have that day out but then would you rather have 14 nights of you and your wife i'm not being drawn on that anyway so she did love it but anyway so she's standing yours yeah so your evening together is gone but you still got the day tomorrow love it but anyway so she's down at yours yeah so your evening together's gone but you still got the day tomorrow yeah exactly and also we were going to get back at 6 15 start of bedtime now we're going back at 8 fine lovely 7 30 text from rose's mum yep she's shut her finger in the door of an uber no doesn't say this at the time but genuinely the door has shut so she's had to open the door to get her finger

out okay okay how's she text other hand i imagine yeah is she all right the text doesn't convey quite how shaken she is by the situation right fair enough yeah because it is a funny injury we're all aware of that yeah it is funny she's done it turning up at our house yeah so she goes into our house obviously we're not there she then goes to the neighbor she needs to go to a and e oh god is that bad it's that bad she needs to go to a and e oh no so our neighbor thank you pauline takes her to a and e and this is your evening in together this This is my evening in together. Get back at eight. Obviously, Pauline can't stay with her, but she's feeling faint,

so she can't be left on her own. Yeah, so Pauline's dropped off at A&E. No, Pauline sat in A&E with her. Oh, big up Pauline. Yeah, fucking legend. Yeah. I'm like, well, I'll have to go and take her over from Pauline. Yeah.

Do you know what? I think A&E with the mother-in-law is a better bet than trying to get two kids bathed in bed at 8 o'clock. In a way, it is. I'd say you've lucked out there. You've almost felt like you've set up this Uber injury. I'd say I have lucked out. I'd say Rose, and Rose would admit this, had reached a point of frustration with us losing our evening

where she wouldn't have been good company at the hospital. Because then she's got her evening. She's got her own evening. The kids can't just sleep at about 10. You and the mother-in-law are out on a night on the tiles. Yeah. In urgent care. The night before the junior doctor's strike,

which my mother-in-law describes as a good time to go to A&E. I don't think that's... Get in quick before they have a bit of a break. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So you're in A&E with your mother-in-law. So what's wrong with that? Is her finger okay? Well, she's got stuff on it.

There's blood everywhere when I get there. Do you remember when I went to A&E for my chest before Christmas? Same A&E. Also, by the way, someone said that you had pleurisy. What's that? So pleurisy, I think they diagnosed you wrong, they were saying. You know, you said you had, like, terrible pain where you couldn't breathe in and out? Yeah.

Yeah, so basically it's like when you have a really bad chest infection, there's thin layers of tissue that separate your lungs from your chest wall. If they become inflamed, then basically every time you sort of breathe, they hit up against your chest wall. Oh, wow. Yeah, that does sound exactly what I've got. Sharp chest pain that worsens during breathing and that can come inflamed when you've got a really bad chest infection.

Yeah, I did have pleurisy. Bloody hell. Sometimes felt in the shoulder? Well, you know, my neck and shoulders. Maybe it was when you cough, sneeze or move around, it may be relieved by taking shallow breaths. Antibiotics for bacterial infection, that's what I did. Well, well there we go i had pleurisy bloody hell i take it back for laughing because you did have it was more than a chest infection it was more than a what was it pectus infectio pectus infectio yeah so yeah so it's the same a and a that you was in for your chest infection tell you what yeah it really brought home to me quite how fast you get through the chest infection asthma you're the fucking king of a and e mate yeah because i think a finger injury on an adult they don't give a fuck you might as well just go home and hope for the best oh man but asthma and chest infection you're

straight in this sounds like i'm making this up rob yeah the weight was such and this is not a point to have a go at the nhs this is a point to have a go at why the junior doctors are striking, because they need more money. The weight was such, one bloke ordered a kebab. What, in A&E? In A&E. He ordered a kebab. Did they sell kebabs there?

No. He got Deliveroo. He didn't eat it in there. Yeah, he brought it in. No. This, again, sounds like I'm making it up. Yeah. He didn't eat it in there. Yeah, he brought it in. No. This, again, sounds like I'm making it up. Yeah. He offered a bloke a chip.

In the row behind us. And the guy said, better not. I've just had a heart attack. And he's still in the queue. I'd say heart attack rushes you through, surely. Yeah. There was a guy also who had a full-on bandage around his head like a fucking cartoon.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Like Terry Butcher in the World Cup. Like Terry Butcher. And he was just sat there, this guy, for fucking hours. These people are so overworked. Anyway. Well, yeah, that's the thing. There's just not enough of them and they're not getting paid enough.

It's a joke. Yeah, it's unbelievable. So we get in there. I get there at eight. Someone brought a laptop as well. Doing a bit of work. Doing a bit of work. How much of an emergency is that?

I always take a couple of iPads, one for each person. Yeah. Treat it like a plane journey. If you're going to A&E, it's a long flight. That was a mistake. A charger. Did you take a phone charger? I took a charger.

Yeah, come on. It's not your first road, your urgent care, the old UC. Exactly. Well, urgent care, it's the urgent care then A&E, isn't it? Yeah. So we went in, took her for an exo. Long story short, you go through all these different stages where you think you've reached the doctor, but you haven't.

Yeah. Bang on midnight, we got seen. Oh, God. Oh, Josh. So you've driven from Lewis to Brighton, from Brighton to Hackney. Now you're in A&E. God, what was wrong with the thing? No break. they dressed the finger

right was it stitches or anything no no I can show you a picture actually I haven't got my phone on me

no it's not a good enough picture I was going to send it to you to start the A&E story I forgot it was a picture of a Christmas tree in A&E

and it's the bleakest picture I remember oh god midnight so and then the next day is your mother-in-law's finger too sore to take your daughter out no no no a Christmas tree in A&E and it's the bleakest Christmas. Oh, God. Midnight. So, and then the next day is your mother-in-law's finger too sore

to take your daughter out? No, no, no. She did take her out. Thank God. Oh, God. Where'd they go? Bowling? No, they went to like

a museum. I've think of the finger, mate. Yeah. They went to like this museum of balls or something. Basically, it was a fucking massive,

yeah. You're going to see a museum of balls mate go to my local gym you know what i'm saying lovely just because those testicles yeah nice the museum of balls it was like a huge ball pool basically right okay mad lights and stuff it's like a kind of and so what did you do on your special day together i don't even remember i had to get stuff done like not big stuff uh it's called the balloon museum right emotion air and she said it's absolutely incredible and would recommend it to everyone the balloon museum okay fair enough balloon museum yeah you can go josh's mother-in-law came here with a broken finger yeah exactly yeah she

went to the museum i had to like sort out the house and stuff rob because it was just post christmas fucking shit storm and we're going to the garris southgate play the next day so we didn't have any time that was a nice day out though yeah that was lovely lovely we went to the cinema to watch napoleon such a weird film, mate. What is that? Who's in that? Who's Napoleon? This little French geezer.

Anything else you want to share? Or should we do a quick correspondence? Oh, I did think of something. Rob, sorry. Go on, go on, go on. In the middle of all of this, that shitstorm, I got a text from Michael on our group saying that he was bored in the Maldives. Yeah, producer Michael's in the Maldives at the moment.

He was running out of books and he was bored and he was going to have to take a scuba diving course for something to do. Meanwhile, I'm sat at A&E doing a quiz about whether I'm an introvert In the toilet of my father-in-law's house Yeah so enjoy the Maldives Michael You bastard I'm your bastard You're there with Marvin and Rochelle Humes

He said none of this is making the edit Fair enough He's in charge Right here we go Correspondence Hello I thought you and the listeners should know That I tested the distract a tantrum in child by asking them to remember something technique you mentioned in a previous episode on my second child over the festive period it worked brilliantly yes someone

said that the bit of your brain for memory is the same bit of your brain that you use for being angry so if you do that it re-engages the brain so how do you do it so i'd get angry can i use it with rose i don't know if it works on adults but they might get wise to it they'll go like why are you asking me about something where so i think with a kid if they're getting all angry and i want this i want that and you can go it's bluey the blue one or is he the orange one right and it's something that's gone no he's obviously and then you can start shifting it to talk about that or remembering something they're like did you go down the big side of the little side it's something that's gone no he's obviously and then you can start shifting this talk about that or remembering something they're like did you go down the big side a little side it's something they're quite passionate about excited about or they bring up a lot for them

to remember or going has granddad got a beard or no beard something that they definitely would know and they can remember i'll try it with rose yes i'm going to do the squeegee what were the other things i was going to do this week squeegeee. Squeegee, the tickling game. And Rose is going to get angry with me, and I'm going to say... That's not Rose. So she'll get angry with me, and I'll go, what were Tamagotchis all about, eh? Yeah, and in that way, you're practising your set for your new stand-up

as well as calming down your wife. Perfect. Do you remember the broom cupboard? Right, that's what I'll do right pop tart this is a christmas once we'll do this one so it's out the way so but you have to remember for next year early christmas morning tip dear rob and josh i'm currently listening to the post christmas episode and hearing how early you were both up on christmas morning ouch i think you might want a little hack we use to get a bit longer in bed on the big day this will work well for josh but not

sure so much for rob we tell our kids we're for age five and Ivy nearly two. The father Christmas delivers alphabetically. Our surname is Wire, so he doesn't get us till 7am. Oh. That's a good one. Thanks for the pod. It's currently keeping me going on January 2nd, first day back to work at a sodden garden in Surrey.

Joe Wire from Redhill. So that's a good one if you are low down in the alphabet. I used to hate being low down in the alphabet at school. Yeah, my kids are obsessed with it. They go, so-and-so's in that one at the end. But because I'm Beckett, I'm clear. It's a real hierarchy. Yeah.

And occasionally they'd print out the register and I'd get cut off the bottom if it was like a substitute teacher or something. Oh, Josh. They just forget about you. I've fucking shown them. Oh, Josh, do you want this boomer parenting story, Peanut Butter?

Yes. Hi, Rob and Josh. Absolutely love the podcast. Growing up, my dad was filled with fun, but he also never knew when not to cross the line. He loved a joke and would tickle us until we laughed so much we almost vomited. This was a firm favourite.

However, one afternoon, my dad was eating peanut butter on toast, and my sister, who couldn't stand the stuff, started making sick noises and generally being really vocal about how gross it was. Dad asked, have you even ever tried it before? My sister replied, no, it smells so bad, I know I don't like it. Then came the joke. My dad stuck his fingers in a peanut butter and waved it towards my sister she ran away and the chase went on for a while my sister was giggling

until dad grabbed her then shoved his fingers in her mouth oh no my sister at that moment with my dad's peanut butter fingers in her mouth was so traumatized she passed out oh no she completely blacked out and fell towards my dad he caught her we all stopped laughing when my sister came around in my dad's arms she said i told you i don't like peanut butter of course my mum was furious my sister has never been around peanut butter ever again and needless to say dad never false food on us again. Thanks for always being sexually relatable. Sarah, 432 months from Reading. Shout out to my twin sister, Laura, who is still very much traumatised by the incident.

Oh, my word. Do you know what? Some boomer stories are just sort of like horrible. That does feel like a bit of fun that got out of hand. Yeah. It wasn't like dog poo. It was just peanut butter at the end of the day. Yeah.

Oh, there's a new cat in my garden. Oh. Does that always freak you out? Yeah, don't like it. You know, you get used to the sort of neighbourhood cats. Particularly as you haven't really got a neighbourhood. Yeah, so that is even more suspicious, really. It's completely white as well.

Is that normal for a cat? No, I mean, some cats are. Cats are weird, I think, mate. We'll be back next week. Here we go. Grandparent names, Josh. You know, we have different names for grandparents hi robin josh i'm a mum of two boys oscar and flynn four your podcast has kept me sane for the past 12

months so my dad was a notorious biscuit sneaker he would give my boys as many biscuits as they wanted even if we told them not to okay so this is their granddad right yeah so he lovingly became known as granddad biscuit nice but the soft biscuit peddling granddad he became also had a classic boomer parent history growing up. I had a big love of animals. One day, aged about eight, I decided I wanted to be a duck farmer. So my dad brought me six of the most beautifully yellow ducklings, which I adored and raised lovingly.

Six is a lot, isn't it? Yeah. Skip forward six months. I went up to the farm to see the horses and ducks to my horror my ducks were no longer there i ran straight to my dad to ask him where they had gone his answer was i sold them in the pub what i was devastated but in my innocent young mind they went to live with santa but in my now 41 year old mind i know they probably end up with christmas dinner fuck oh that's now oh michelle oh my word on the farm life is brutal on the farm 41-year-old mind. I know they probably end up with Christmas dinner. Fuck me now. Oh, Michelle.

Oh, my word. On the farm. Life is brutal on the farm, isn't it? They don't eat ducks for Christmas, is it, Goose? It's turkey, isn't it? Well, yeah, turkey. I know it's turkey, but sometimes people have a goose, don't they? They don't have a fucking mallard, do they?

No. What have you got here, mallard? Got one of those canadian geese's from the pond they're an invasive species so i've took them right should we do a small business i was gonna say i got in the car there yesterday and rose plugged in her phone to play duolip which is what my daughter listens to exclusively on the way to and from school our podcast started playing. I was like, oh, my God, we still got that bit at the start where we explain what the podcast is.

I don't know. I've not listened back. No. I was like, I don't think I've ever listened to this. Maybe that's a sort of technique so that people that are new understand. Well, it's working. Keep it in. Keep it in.

I'd like to say thank you for listening, everyone. The numbers are going up, so that's very nice to see. Thank you very, very much. We do appreciate you. And as a thank you, here's some small businesses. As a thank you, here are some businesses. Here we go. Hello, Josh, Rob and Michael.

I've listened from the start and now a full-blown addiction. I've been hoping to the podcast. I would love it if you could. Now on heroin. Yeah. I'd love it if you could recommend a heroin dealer. I would love it if you could on heroin yeah i'd love it if you can recommend heroin dealer i would love it if you give a shout out to my sister's small business she is a lettering and window artist creating bespoke stationary gifting and window designs across the kent area

it's always kent always he's a lot of kent isn't there her business is kayleeys.keepsakes. Kaylee is K-A-Y-L-E-I-G-H-S.keepsakes on Instagram. Sure. And the link is HTTPS colon forward slash forward slash Instagram.com forward slash Kayleys.keepsakes question mark I-G-S-H-I-D equals capital M, small m. I-G-S-H-I-D equals capital M, small m. I'm always there. Capitals, all the ones that follow are capitals. V-I-M, small g, I-K.

Capital M, T-B, small h, capital M, small g, equals equals. Lovely. Get on there as quick as you can. She does it. It's a longer part-time job and raising two children, but is planning to quit the day job to focus on this full time. Any exposure will help her make this transition successful. Thank you so much.

Keep up the top-notch broadcasting, Vicky. Right, okay. Here's one that's not Kent, but it's Eastbourne, which is sort of close enough. It's not far, is it? Hello, you sexy and relatable beings. Could you possibly give a small business shout out for our little endeavour?

We're Planet Golf Eastbourne, based unsurprisingly in Eastbourne, beings could you possibly give a small bit of shout out for our little endeavor we're planet gulf eastbourne based unsurprisingly in eastbourne a 10 hole space themed uv mini golf course think astronauts aliens and space toilets planet gulf is a brainchild of my great mate rich who noticed there wasn't enough affordable and fun family-friendly activities in the sovereign harbour end of town so he convinced me to step away from being a special needs teacher and join him on his quest to build a mini golf course. We work so hard to make our venue accessible to all ages and abilities, put on regular events such as Astronaut Academy,

and we offer a free second round as standard. We'd be so chuffed if the Perignon Hill listeners could check out our socials and give us a follow. Standard would be so chuffed if the Perignon Hill listeners could check out our socials and give us a follow. Insta at PlanetGolf underscore Eastbourne or Facebook at PlanetGolf Eastbourne. Thank you for all you do to support small businesses. Many thanks, Liz. That is PlanetGolf Eastbourne.

There we go. We'll have to go down there when we're on tour down there, Josh. Oh, yes, please. Well, I will see you on Tuesday. We'll be back for some more. We'll be in the swing of school runs. They've got new clubs. They've got new clubs, please. Well, I will see you on Tuesday. We'll be back for some more. We'll be in the swing of school runs, go out of hand, they've got new clubs, they've got new clubs, mate.

We're looking down the barrel at a 7.40am drop-off three days in a row. Oh, my word. Because they've got preschool clubs. Oh, my word. So we're getting hyped for that. Anyway, I'll see you next week, Josh. All right, see you in a bit.

Bye. Bye. Do you ever feel like topical comedy next week Josh alright see you in a bit bye bye with returning guests from across the political spectrum, including Romesh Ranganathan, Simon Evans, Catherine Ryan, Constantine Kissing, David Baddiel, Andrew Doyle, Al Murray, and more. Sometimes we'll make good points. Sometimes we'll make cheap jokes. But whatever we do, we'll be trying our best to get to the heart of what most people think.