Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP21: SHOW ME YOUR PANTS!!

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond... with Rob and Josh. This week Rob insists Josh shows him his tired old man underpants live on air. It's so weird we can't share a video clip. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parent in hell with say rob beckett and And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh.

Widdicombe. Okay. Close. Wow, I think you're being generous there. Yeah, I am being generous. Who's that? Where are they from? Do you know what? She's done an incredible thing where she's recorded it,

obviously not knowing how to send us the voice file, so then screen recorded the voice file. Pardon? Yeah yeah i can't understand what's going on there but either way her battery is on about two percent and she really needs to sort it out because i can see it on the screen graph so i'm just just telling her now okay fair enough yeah but i'm assuming she's charged it since you're assuming you're assuming you know but who am I to assume? Hi, Rob and Josh.

This is my sister-in-law, Molly, with my two nieces, Winnie and Dottie, who are four and two. My name is Ruby, and we're all from Hertfordshire. This is a really important one, Rob. I want to send this in as my sister is an OG podcast listener and currently has cancer. She is about to go in for her first chemo treatment. We love you, Courtney, and hope you liked hearing some familiar little voices many thanks ruby scares ruby ruby skegs sorry eggs ruby skegs well good luck courtney yeah good luck courtney um

we're all thinking of you here uh the parenting hell raisers and us we're all the hell raisers that what we call it yeah is it that we like having a name for everyone everyone that listens is wishing you luck courtney um and uh yeah yeah and we hope your sister's dealing with the phone battery situation because obviously that's just adding attention you're trying to diffuse attention by switching it back to the get me on the fucking one show mate get me on the fucking one show, mate. Get me on the fucking one show. You'd be terrible. If you did the one show this morning,

whether from serious to lighthearted, your fingers will start clapping. You'll start to get red. And then your head's going, should I bring it back to the phone battery stuff? Because the other thing is, if I host the one show and I've got a lot of respect for the one show,

I always enjoy going on the one show. It's the two things i'm not good at which would be really awkward things about like children who've been burned or whatever that was why i just picked that up because that was the one that was the one i was on with last right that makes sense you I thought you'd be an absolute mental. Okay. That's right. I'm bad at that. And I'm also bad. I've always thought I'd be, this would be the thing I'm worst at, being interested in someone's fucking film.

Because also a lot of the time, they're not interested in their film. No. So it's just too, because they don't want to, they've made it. That's the thing they enjoy doing. They don't want to sell it. And then the person talking, don't really care in their film. No. So it's just too, like, cause they don't want to talk. They've made it. That's the thing they enjoy doing. They don't want to sell it.

And then the person talking, don't really care about the film. Sometimes you might get something on, like, you know, it's exciting. Cause you're into Jurassic Park and there's a new one. Yeah.

But when, especially the worst is when you get someone who's really famous on. And the only reason they're doing it is because it's a passion project. No one cares about. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's having Kiefer Sutherland on and and you want to talk about, like, you know,

Lost Boys and 24, and he's like... Yeah. Yeah, so the new band's album's out. We're like, no one cares, Kiefer. No one cares that you've got your old schoolmate on bass. Talk to me about vampires. How are you, Josh? What have you been up to?

They very rarely get that with you, do they, on a promo show? Rob Beckett fucking hell is here with his fucking passion project. I don't know if I've got a passion project in me. I think I've got my passion. Do you know what? I think my passion project is stand-up. That's what I like doing. I'm thinking about doing this, Josh.

Daytime gigs for Parenting Hell fans and parents in general. Would you rather go and see a show at like two in the afternoon and then get a babysitter for the afternoon than the evening? Because sometimes it's easier to get babysitters for daytime than nighttime, which you don't have to do bedtime. What do you think? I'm going to the theatre tonight, Rob. Yeah.

And it starts so early. It's a 7pm start. That's so difficult to sort out. Because you've got to get something round to sort out. I've got to get something round. That's the stressful part of the evening. My daughter finishes her school club at five. Yep.

I've then got to get back 5.30. They've got to, you know, ideally bath them because Rose's mum's looking after them. And it's just, you know, she's doing us a favour, so you want to take the pressure off her. But would she rather have them in the afternoon if the show was on? Yeah, of course, because my daughter's at school.

Yeah, because if you do like, this is what I'm thinking. If we do an afternoon show, you'd much rather on a Saturday afternoon find a babysitter for the afternoon you go and see that show I've thought this for I've

what about a morning show I've said this I know we talk I know we talk about you're up early anyway would you want to go to imagine this this is your option right

I'm going to do an 11am show and a 3pm show well I went to like when we went to watch Nick Cope do music for my children that was 11

a.m yeah and it was great i'd say as a parent i peak at about 11 there was no one sat there going oh this is a bit early i wish this was 8 p.m because i normally off me nut on me big coffee i've sort of had a coffee to wake up then i'm on my big one that's my big power coffee around 11 a.m i think because i've thought this for for ages and no one's taken me off it, that you do those Sunday night, Sunday special at the Creek, which is a comedy club on Sunday night. If that was at three in the afternoon,

everyone would still fucking go because everyone's free. No, no, no, football. Rob, not everyone wants to watch Brighton versus Southampton as much as you do. No, but I'm thinking about during the week,

Matt and I. Yeah, yeah, because Saturday is football as well. Yeah, I know, but not three o'clock afternoons there, isn't it? Because it's midday and five. Well, I don't,

what I'm saying is I don't want to miss the football. Okay? If I did, Matt and I, if I did like a 10am on a Saturday morning, get them all in up early, get the nan round or whatever, then you're in the theatre at 10.

You watch a show, have a bit of lunch after, go home. Then I can watch the midday game. And when the midday game finishes, I can go out again at three and then I'm done for the 5.30. That is my perfect Saturday. Rob, you've got a problem. Why? Do you know what?

You're addicted to pointless football. Fuck you. I haven't got a problem. I've got a solution. 10 a.m., 3 o'clock, bosh. That's the dream. Because also, during the week, people work from home now, which basically means they do fuck all.

So I think they can, look, we all know. Obviously, not everyone works from home. Some people do. But fucking hell, I'm telling you now. I think there's enough people that work from home that could do a Friday afternoon. Rob, between you and me, I know I shouldn't say this on the podcast. Yeah, come on. But I know the people from The Last Leg aren't listening.

Yeah, come on. I've started booking. Last week I went, I booked a matinee at the theatre on Thursday because I was meant to be writing on The Last Leg. And I thought, no one's going to fucking know. You're resting on your laurels, Josh. I'm resting. Maybe that's how you write.

I write. Everyone writes differently. Some people lock themselves in a room. I go for a walk, let the ideas float around. I honestly, mate, I trust myself. I back myself. I back myself to go to be able to do five minutes of jokes on a Friday night when Alex is dressed as Bigfoot.

I back myself. Do you know what? I think I would be better if I turned up a quarter to ten. If I did your job, I think I'd be so buzzing that I'm getting away with it. I'd be flying. I'd be like, right, I've got to switch on it because I've done fuck all.

I don't want too much inside comedy here for people who aren't interested. A lot of people really like the stuff where we give them like – so normally you get in call times, right, which is when you're called to a show. Yeah. And so if it's something like Mock the Week, you used to be called at lunchtime.

Yeah, that was hardcore. And then when you do something like Last Leg, what are you called at about 7 or 8 p.m. maybe? Yeah, I would push back till 9. If it's 10 staff. Jonathan Ross, Rob, he got 9.30. And I thought, you fucking legend. He arrived at 9.30? He arrived at 9.30

already in his outfit. Just walked in. Do you know what? I'm coming on in a couple of weeks. Can I do 9.35? Rob, I don't have that power. I'm going to ask for 9 931 to get i'm gonna tell you now yeah jonathan ross got 9 30 i'll see you at 8 is that an official 9 30 though or did he turn up no it was an official 9 30 i said where's

jonathan they're at it's call times 9 30 and i And I'm like, what a fucking legend. Fair play. He is a god of TV. I love Jonathan Ross. Do you know what? Out of respect, I'll do 9.15. Rob, I'm not in charge of the call times. Right, okay. Talking about start times of stuff,

can I run this past you, okay? So, Lou, what are you doing Wednesday night? Are you in? I went, yep, I'm in. I'm working the day, but I'm home. She went, can you watch the kids? Like, I'm going to go to the cinema. I went, of course.

They're my kids. You don't have to ask. But yeah, I'm in because I've been out gigging. Like, whatever. Yeah, I'll have the kids. We don't need to get a babysitter. I'm in. I went, cool.

Anyway, so I got home from work on Wednesday. And it was about four-ish I got back. And Lou had just got back in with the kids. And I was like, right. She went, I'm ready, I've got to go. Guess what time she booked the cinema for with my mum? What time? 5.30pm. Right, yeah. That's not okay,

is it? That is unacceptable. Someone with children, that is unacceptable. Then go at like, it's eight o'clock. I was like, I just got in and she went by. I was like, are you fucking winding me up? Then it was like, dogs needed feeding, kids needed feeding yeah I was like I just got in and she went bye I was like are you fucking winding me up there was like dogs needed feeding

kids needed I was like this is sure I can do all this however there is definitely a later showing don't you think

that's a bit of a stitch up what was she going to watch oh she came back absolutely devastated she was so sad I've got something

about something about a gay guy that meets a guy and then one of them dies his parents are dead and they're ghosts i was like jesus the guy from the guy who played moriarty's it's like the sixth sense crossed with queer eye right yeah i've i i've heard it's an absolute tearjerker. Not queer, queer as folk. Queer as folk, yeah. It was like the first gay show, wasn't it, on telly? Yeah, Russell T. Davis.

But it's, was that Russell T. Davis as well? I think that was his breakthrough. It's really weird that he sort of does these sort of really like, important and sort of like, moving films about sexuality, and then also Doctor Who. I know.

What a shift. I don't get Doctor Who, Rob. Neither do I, but don't say that, because they all, there's so many that do and they'll gang up on us.

They're like One Direction fans. Yeah. They love it. Remember David Tennant on Smart TV? He loves Doctor Who. His specialist subject was Doctor Who. He is Doctor Who. He's married to the daughter of a different Doctor Who.

It's a bit too much, actually. I went off him when I heard all that. No, I didn't. I'd love to have him on this. He's got five kids. It's great fun too much, actually. I went off him when I heard all that. No, I didn't. I'd love to have him on this. He's got five kids. It's great fun, isn't he? Five kids? Yeah, we'll get Tennant on.

I love Tennant. He's quite a lot of banter, actually. I thought he was going to be quite serious. No, he's a real laugh. Anyway, Lou came home crying from the cinema at about a quarter past seven.

Kids were still awake. That was great as well. I just got him into bed. Just got him into bed. Where's Mummy? She's at the cinema. Why? Don't ask me. Ask her tomorrow. I just got them into bed. Just got them into bed. Where's mummy? She's at the cinema. Why? Don't ask me.

Ask her tomorrow. 5.30 is a disgrace. Anyway, I just get them in and get them settled. They keep coming down. But I want mummy to tuck me in while she's not here. All right? Anyway, they're just settled. Lou comes through the door crying.

Why is mummy crying? She saw a sad film. Then she had to go out there and settle them again. Anyway. Can I ask you a question about parenting, Rob? Absolutely. It's the best place for it, I'd say. Who's got the worst situation here? Me or

Rose? Our son is going through his phase where he always wants Rose. I'd say probably Rose. Yeah, that's not the answer I was looking for. Okay, sorry. Ask me again. Who's got the answer I was looking for. Okay, sorry.

Ask me again. Who's got the worst situation, me or Rose? Bloody you, mate. Bloody birds don't know what they're talking about, do they? Old school. Old school dad there, just to show the progress. No, definitely her, because there's no let up. Yeah.

But children do get like that when one parent leaves the family home. That will happen. It's a sad set of affairs but when couples separate it does children will no um how clingy is he well it's in the mornings he won't let me go and get him up lovely stuff lovely also i'd say it's just like payback for all those times where you have to go in the night because he likes Rose so much. He'd be too disturbed. Yeah, but Rob, that doesn't mean Rose just gets up and leaves you in bed. What happens then?

Rose is going to come on in right to reply. So what time does he wake up? Well, Rose will be back on soon, so don't worry. Yeah, seven-ish. Seven-ish, okay. So it's not too bad. So what does Rose do? Pick him up, take him downstairs, make a cup of tea and chill out? No, no, no. What we'll do, he'll be screaming for Rose.

We still seem to default to me going in there to just double check that he won't accept me getting him up. Right. Just as a lot. Yeah, okay. It's a bit almost like, you know, when you go to buy something for a vending machine and you've got, like, an old Euro.

Yeah. I stick it in. You never know. One day it might take never has but yeah you go in yep rosal i don't want to say that this is the wrong priority be stroking the cat what in bed yeah right so the cat's in bed with you she's stroking the cat while you're in with your boy that's fine she can stroke the cat well i'd say if she waits for you to leave to stroke the cat no she doesn't wait for you to leave to stroke the cat oh but then i'll come back and then rose love to go in and i will think did i need to do that no we all knew the way that was going the answer is no yeah but it feels like it's a little well she's like well i'm gonna have to get up and then so when she goes in what's what

happens after that what's the reason we're all up by that point because i'm already up aren't i right okay so i can see what what's uh what's gnawing at you here i can see the equation where the reality is you could probably get another 20 minutes sleep or so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine, yeah. And now that you're back gigging in the evenings as well, you're a bit more tired than you would be normally, and that's creating a slight resentment. I was out every night working last week, Rob, and I didn't like it.

I didn't like it. Can I say something? It's very hard, and i want to be a modern dad however if you do work nights whether you're a mum or dad it's very hard to get up in the morning if you're getting in at like midnight 1am or whatever from kids so we've had a few years of not gigging and the schedule has been go to bed like normal and then get up together. However, now it's weighted slightly differently because one of you, not saying who, it's not always you, last week it was every night, not always you,

is getting back late and will be more tired. So have you spoke to Rose about this, Josh? No, of course not. Because I think it's fair. I'm not saying that, you know, I'm just saying it's fair. It's a fair thing to maybe have a discussion about, isn't it? Yeah, but I just don't know if it's worth it. Ideally, what would happen?

So baby cries at seven. Rose goes in because he always wants Rose. Rose takes him downstairs. What time does your daughter get up? About ten past seven. So it's not really, what I'd say is, it's not really worth sort of rocking the boat for 10 minutes of. No.

Because I'd argue that 10 minutes extra you're getting in bed, the frustration from downstairs will be palpable. Yes. And I don't really think that 10 minutes sleep is going to give you much more in comparison to what you're trading off with the slight annoyance from the other party. It is what it is. It is what it is. I think it is what it is, really. Have you said, how about you

go and do a fucking gig, Ben? No, I haven't said that, no. So, I've got to go and get something to show you a prop for this next thing. Yeah, go on. Oh, I can just send you a photo, actually. Yeah, all right. Let's do that.

No, I'll go and get it. I'll go and get it. Okay, cool, yeah. Okay, I'll be one sec. Oh, he's got his Blink-182 clothes on again. Where are you? Oh, he's put his headphones back on. All right, mate.

You got it? Yeah. So, Rose was a bit annoyed by this. I got your outfit, by the way. Blink-182. Yeah. Got to. So Rose was a bit annoyed by this. I got your outfit, by the way. Blink-102. Yeah. Got to go. Rose was a bit annoyed by this.

Yeah. So I bought a thing. You can train your lungs to be stronger. What is it? A book called How to Not Be a Pussy? Sorry. No. i liked it so it's a piece of breathing apparatus right that resists because i've got quite weak lungs

because of my asthma sorry i feel bad now yeah carry on yeah so i i got recommended this thing to buy right okay so i left it this piece of apparatus around our bedroom, just on the side. Yeah. And our cleaner found it. Oh, God. And put it... She's still Spanish?

She is still Spanish, yeah. That doesn't change. And she put it on Rose's bedside table, implying... That it was hers? That it was hers. Does it look rude? Yeah.

So she thought it was Rose's. She thought it thought it was roses do you want to see it yeah yeah i mean yeah that is that now that is what you've got there is a dildo what you've got there is a dildo you pop in your mouth and breathe so obviously you put in what looks like the balls into your mouth. You put it in and show us how it works. Well, it's lost. There's meant to be a ball for resistance, so it doesn't even work anymore. No, not that end. The other end.

No, I'm not going to do that. No, put the right, put the... So you put it in like that and sleep. No, no, no, no, no. It's just if you're losing... You're just meant to do 10 breaths a day of resistance breathing and it will strengthen your lungs. Oh, okay, that's good.

Yeah. So, yeah. But she left it on Rose's bedside table as if Rose was... It really does look naughty, doesn't it? Also, it's quite a sweet little one. It's not imposing. It's a bit like oh bless her

she's sort of nervous he bought a small dildo because she's not sure she's not sure if it's her thing or not yet how did Rose feel when she saw that

on the bedside table she didn't love it I took the blame How did Rose feel when she saw that on a bedside table? She didn't love it. I took the blame. Last thing she needs, isn't it? Laying in bed, stroking a cat, looking at that. Oh, that is good stuff, though. Have you spoke to the cleaner about it? No, I didn't think it was worth it.

To re-translate, just to be clear, this isn't my dildo. Yeah. It's quite difficult to explain to somebody who doesn't speak English what that is and then put it in your mouth. You should be like, what is going on? I'm leaving. I've had enough here. Oh, my daughter saw The King.

All right. They went on a school trip. Yeah. To Natural History Museum and the king drove past. That's exciting. That's mind-blowing, really, isn't it? I've never seen the king or the queen. I've met the king when he was prince.

Oh, yeah. I've met the next one, actually. I've met him as well. I felt the king's big sausage hands. Did you? More of what? Solid hands, yeah. Felt like a market trader. He's got hands like someone who's worked properly for a living. Do you know what of what? Solid hands, yeah. Felt like a market trader.

He's got hands like someone who's worked properly for a living. Do you know what I mean? Big, thick fingers. But that's exciting. I saw Barack Obama drive past me in Berlin once. Oh, yeah, you've said that. That's mad, isn't it? And Victoria Beckham drove past me.

That's a good one. The most famous person that's ever driven past you. I once went across a zebra crossing and Gary Neville had to stop. Oh, that's powerful. Because he's a busy man. Yeah. It was when he was playing. He's attacking the day.

You're not attacking his crossing, mate. No, exactly. I'd have more respect to go, zebra crossings don't mean nothing to me. I'm Gary Neville and I've got a hotel chain in Manchester and I used to play football. I attack the day. Yeah. No, but at that point he was pre,

before we all liked him, it was just when he was that annoying right back at Man U. Yeah. But yeah, I do like Gary Neville. I think his life seems quite stressful. I love Gary Neville. I adore Gary Neville. Would you like to have Gary Neville's life?

No, I'd hate it. I'm obsessed with Roy Keane. I think Roy Keane's just the funniest man on the earth Yeah he does I wish he never did management though And he just always did punditry and just lived his life I'd love to get Roy Keane on this He would never do it

Can I ask? I don't know how Roy if you're listening What does he listen to? I reckon he listens to like marching bands I'd say Roy Keane thinks podcasts Even though he's got one with Gary Neville, I'd say he thinks podcasts are complete bullshit.

Total waste of time. I think they're great actually. And everyone should listen to them. Yeah. What's I going to say? Oh, you got any other kid stuff you want to talk about? I've got a couple of things to go through.

Yeah. Big time, mate. Big time. Went to A&E. Again? Sun trapped his finger in go through. Yeah, big time, mate. Big time. Went to A&E. Again? Son trapped his finger in the door.

Oh, bad one. It wasn't ideal because my daughter closed the door unmistakably, so she was really upset, he was upset. Car door?

The house door? The house to the garden. House to the garden. So it's got a kind of suction, like a French door. Right, okay, cool. Yeah. Oh, that's horrible.

Yeah, he's fine. Once he got to A&E, totally a French door. Right. Okay, cool. Oh, that's horrible. Yeah. He's fine. Once he got to A&E, totally fine. The moment he got to A&E. So you thought, oh, we've probably broken him, or let's get him checked out, but he was just fine? Yeah, yeah. How long did you wait?

Did you tell him you had asthma? We waited a good couple of hours. Rose took over, and then I went and got them. He also, I'll show you this you'll like this he recognized uh have you seen the i choose books where you like it's like um you're like it's a fairy tale who do you want to be the prince who do anyway it's got lots of yeah yeah um let me just find the fucking thing sorry talking about kids books we've been watching john hughes films with the kids they love them oh do that baby's day out did you ever see in that film it's a great kid's film yeah the kids love it we've been watching so because sometimes i

get bored of their new ones they like so we've been with our new film night is we uh we pick ones we watched as kids oh that's good we're gonna do honey i shrunk the kids and richie rich oh that's fun because they go watch it watch it so i'm like well if i'm gonna watch i'm gonna pick a film i want to watch yeah exactly oh you're gonna do bruce's millions that's a good one home alone have you done home alone uh no not yet but i think they'll be ready for it this christmas coming because the youngest gets a bit scared so i don't want to i don't want to fall too early especially with a scary old man that lives next door that kind of thing so but baby's day out is so gentle that's funny have you done showgirls no what's that I'll just pop that on and yeah okay I'll give him a showgirls you should send me a video Josh yeah yeah

he's pointing to a man with a top hat and a monocle. And there's definitely blonde women in that book. I don't think the man with the monocle looks unlike Rose. I think you're... How angry are you about getting up early in the morning? It doesn't anything like Rose. The only distinguishing features he's got is a massive chin, a big nose and sticky out ears.

So what are you implying? I'm just having a bit of fun. Just having a bit of fun. There's an email in. Who's your child said you look like? Most offensive person your child said you look like. Well, they just slap my mambo sometimes and say boobies, and that's horrible.

Oh, yeah, that's horrible oh yeah that's grim my daughter threw a bouncy ball at me yeah fair enough we're playing game throwing it back and forward it hit me right on the bell end what have i told her about playing bouncy ball naked but what was your wearing because that is key to shorts shorts no pants well boxers but that doesn't make any you wear big baggy old man but boxers don't you they're not old man box right what kind of boxers do you wear oh baggy boxers right i wear calvin klein trunks because i'm not 73 i don't i don't want i like it i like it free and easy. So yours are like Marks and Spencer's big baggy... No, they're not Marks and Spencer's.

How do your nuts not fall out? So is there a button in the front little pocket hole? Of course there's a button in the front. How do your nuts not fall out the bottoms if they're not elasticated? Because I haven't got the pendulous balls of an 80-year-old man. You sure?

You've got the pants of an old man. I haven't. Have you seen the... What pants do you buy? Send me the link to the pants you buy. Well, they're quite expensive, so don't... Oh. Oh, okay.

Don't want to be shown up for your expensive tastes. Well, it's all right, though. You save enough money and the rest of the shit clothes you wear, you'll find them. That's needless, Rob. That's absolutely needless. I actually spend quite a lot of money on... Yeah, to look completely unremarkable.

You can fucking talk. Is there a chat function in here? A chat function? I don't know. Oh, yeah, there we go. Your pants. Oh, big baggy boys. They are so baggy.

They are proper grandad. They are lovely. They look horrible. They are so baggy. They are proper grandad. They are lovely. They look horrible. They're great, Rob. Not for me. Not for you. Not the way I move. I wouldn't be able to express myself in those.

What do you mean you wouldn't be able to? Rob, there's no situation on earth when you're not expressing yourself. No, they'd all get roughed up. They're like shorts. They're too thick and big. They're massive. They're like shorts. They're too thick and big and massive. They're not massive. They're huge, Josh. Do you want me to

show you them now? I'm not going to. Yeah. No. Show me your pants. No. Take your shorts off and show me your pants.

This can't become the Instagram clip. Come on. Get them off. They're massive. They're not massive. They're so long, John. I'm not going to stand back.

Show me your pants. They're my pants. They're like... Yeah, they're not massive. Look, that's where they stop. What's that? No, yours are massive. They're my pants. They're like... Yeah, they're not massive. Look, that's where they stop. What's that? No, yours are massive. They're not massive.

Yeah, but they're too... No, they're massive. Michael, is that the weirdest thing I've ever done? It's definitely up there. To be fair, yours aren't that massive, but they are ones that traditionally are worn massive, but you've got the small ones. But I'd say that would be too tight.

You don't get enough movement. Are they elasticated? By the way, those ones I sent you the link of, these ones aren't those. I've got a few of those nice ones. Yeah. But these are the cheap ones. But they look smaller.

And they're not as baggy. That's because they're old and shrunken. Don't they feel tight and uncomfortable? You can't move. No. No. Okay. I'm flopping about all over the shop.

Oh, I can't. I want me out of there. The next time you laugh and cross your leg on the last leg, I'll be thinking, that little knob's just wandering about like he's lost in a field. Give the boy some structure. Lock him up. Pop him away.

You've got satire to do you're talking about serious topics there Josh your knob's wiggling about someone sat next to me dressed as fucking Bigfoot mate let's focus on the problems oh right

let's get away from pants right I thought a travel travel cutlery set for the tour right what do you think about that that's sad

sad isn't it but when you get to venues and you order some food you go have you got a knife and fork they go yeah all right and some technician gives it to you and i think where is that knife and fork been over the years i've got a little travel set oh that's nice is it well no i think that's all right i think on tour so you know have i told you before about what Prince used to do? No, go on. So when I was doing, oh, it was the Stephen Merchant tour, the guy that was running the tour.

So he was telling me about Prince. And Prince has his rooms, he has all his stuff in triplicate. Right. And so when he gets to a city he's booked in the hotel suite they've got he's got all his books and his records and whatever yeah he's got a home so he's got it once at home once in the hotel room he's in and then another set which is being moved into the next hotel room so there's always a set wow being moved on i mean, look. And you've got your little travel set of forks. Yeah, I know, but it's a bit different.

We all need our little things wrong. Yeah, but I imagine he'd be doing a week in London, a week in Berlin, a week in Madrid. I'm doing Chatham, fucking Dartford. But you're saving the world because you're not asking for plastic forks from your Nandos because you have Nandos every night because you've got a creature of habit tell you what nandos can you get me some sort of black card i spend a fortune on nandos every gig i have it before like some

as a routine if nandos are listening sort me out will you or someone else that can do me chicken and rice at every venue around the country exactly the same do you not get bored of that yes Do you not get bored of that? Yes. There goes the black card. Boredom lives and lies with familiarity, and with familiarity and reliability, you cannot be let down. And I know I'll be full, it'll be healthy,

and I can get it from anywhere in the country. Yeah. That's what I do. And also, there's so much going on. If you take choice out of the equation, it does help. But yeah, I'd love to have Pizza Express every night, but I don't know if my body could handle a pizza every gig, five nights a week. Hello, I'm Tim Reid.

You probably don't know me as the creator and writer of sitcoms like Peter Kay's Car Share and Meet the Richardsons because I write shows with other people's names in the title. Not anymore. Welcome to my new podcast, Fist of Firsts with Tim Reid. In Fist of Firsts, I'll be chatting to the biggest names in comedy about the pivotal first steps in their careers and their creative process. Fist of Firsts with me, Tim Reid. find it wherever you get your pods can i uh can i tell you something weird that happened to me when i was going to a gig

this week so you know my phone's been broken since maybe november yeah i don't know if it is i just don't know if anyone messages you anymore sorry rose doesn't seem to answer right it doesn't even go to roses it's like it's like it just rings to like a number doesn't exist it keeps being blocked yeah i don't know what's wrong with it and then sometimes i get a message around going josh it's over i'm like yeah i know this phone's over i've got to get new ones gosh so takes, the lead is a problem. Everything's a problem with it. And now if it's raining, even if it's in my pocket, the fact there's moisture in the air means that the screen starts going weird, right?

I've got to get a new phone. So I was walking along on the phone, but with my headphones in, so my phone was in my pocket. I wasn't holding my phone yeah i was talking to someone i'll be honest slagging someone else off yeah that's not like you josh no it wasn't in got in a gossipy manner it was in a annoyed work manner right okay yeah we were both yeah and um and then I hear, Josh? Did you mean, did you mean to?

And my phone had batched Tom Allen into the call. No. Who's you speaking to then? Just a TV producer. Yeah. And then you'd called Tom Allen at the same time. No, we'd been talking for 10 minutes and then halfway through, my phone had batched Tom Allen into the middle of the phone call. Are you in a group with the producer and Tom Allen? No!

Because that's... Right, so you wasn't slagging Tom Allen off, was you? No, of course not. I would never do such a thing in my life. There's no ammo on Alan, is there? No, exactly. I would never slag off Tom Allen. I bet there's some people who really slag me off, but I don't... Without Tom Allen, there's no ammo, is there? No one's ever slagged off Tom Allen.

Oh, I thought you were going to say me, then. No one's ever slagged off Tom Allen. No. Oh, I thought you were going to say me then. No, people have slagged off you all the time. I'm too blunt. I think I'm too honest. That's my bloody problem. You know me. Well, here's a question, Rob. Because I do stuff.

I'd like to know your answer to this. So someone I know bumped into someone and that person didn't just not know who this person was. Yeah. But they got the person's name wrong, right? Right. So this was a work setting. It wasn't a work setting.

It was a social setting. It was at a party. Right. Got the person's name wrong. Thought they were someone else. Yeah. My friend corrected them and said actually

my name's this actually I would have 100% gone along with it that's the person I am well just get out of it just

I'd have just accepted anything I would have just gone yeah if someone met me and called me had a conversation with me and halfway through

called me Rob I probably wouldn't correct them. I'm exactly the same. That happened to, we only went to Bluey before Christmas with our wife and kids. Someone came up to me and went, you're Josh, aren't you?

And I stood next to you, but you didn't hear this conversation. And I went, yes. Then she had a picture and went see it's quicker isn't it yeah much quicker oh Josh

I want to ask you a question right you do Peloton don't you yeah I mean I've got one right yeah well I've got one

and I used it loads in lockdown I was on it all the time and then now I sort of go through waves of doing like three classes a week for about a month and then nothing for two months and then that kind of thing anyway so i was trying to do one but the kids kept to interrupt me so i had to turn the class off so in the end i thought you know what i'm gonna do is i'm just gonna go just cycle but without a class and just use it like a normal exercise but so i thought i'm just gonna do 15k right but i don't know if that's a

lot or not is that a lot i don't know it feels like yeah that's what yeah so i just did it and it took me like 35 minutes but i quite enjoyed it josh right and i thought okay maybe i'll do this then but did you did you have the screen with the mountain range on or anything no no there's one we do a scenic route but there's an absolute rip bloke talking to you as if you've got a cycling mate and i hated that because it was like go through london there's a geyser like that going hey guys just keep going because fuck off mate i just want to cycle through virtual london on my own actually yeah you weird even though i could just cycle to london if i wanted but no but this way you're not going to get hit by a truck exactly yeah, yeah. It's a bit safer, isn't it? So I was doing 15K, did it, really enjoyed it. What difference maker, and I want to ask you about this,

I have bought some cycling shorts with a padded arse. Oh, no. And it's a dream on there. What do you wear on the Peloton at the moment? Do you wear baggy pants? No, I don't just wear them. Of course I still wear my baggy pants because they're my pants. I don't go...

And shorts. And shorts. And shorts. So I was like, there's no way I can do 15K. Because I sat down the whole time on this 15K cycle. Get up and fucking... Well, I did after a while. But with the old cushion ass, it was lovely there. You've put on some cushioned pants for the peloton.

Yeah, well, that cushioned cycling shorts for the peloton is great. However, I don't know if you've ever had this. I sat down for most of it rather than stood up. At one point, my knob and balls went completely numb. And I don't know what happened. Yeah, you should get that checked out, actually. Yeah, but it's not happening normally. It went completely numb to the point where I was like, I had to look for it.

Just to double check it was still there. And then I was sort of like, look, and I was like, I gave it a bit of a slap. Couldn't feel nothing. And then I stood up and then the blood, I think the blood just won't get in there. So you just cut off your total circulation? My knob, yeah.

And I was like, this is great. If I do 15K a day, it was like, it was going to be great for fitness, but my knob might fall off. But, you know, imagine that being absolutely ripped, but the knob's gone. Like, action, man. But I don't know what's going on with the old num-nob, but I was asking you, I don't know if you've experienced that.

I haven't had any num-nob. No num-nob? No. I might go for a run today. I went to yoga yesterday, Rob. Go on. I really love it. Right.

But, um, I can't quite take up the yogic mindset in the sense of, and Rose said, this is not the way I should be approaching it. Cause I said to her, the good thing about yoga is I can always spot someone who's worse than me. And that just helps me get through.

Do you know what though? That is basically what life is isn't it like you've got to do what you've got to do to get through like setting them up to be bad or stitching them up bad but if you could just look over there i'll stand next to this guy it's always a guy let's be honest an old guy his knees creaking like he's made out of wood and I'm like thank fuck your ear mate because it makes me feel brilliant oh grandad stiff back's in

perfect here he comes oh you've gone into child's pose because you can't handle this one you fucking loser and then also what I do Josh

is because I feel bad for having those thoughts like he's probably on here because he's a pervert and then I pervert him off so I can in my head because I know he's a pervert. And then I pervert him off. So I can, in my head, because I know he's a pervert that I've invented. So he's a pervert.

So I can just have a go at him. Exactly. That's good. That's a good idea, actually, Rob. He's probably going to fart in a minute as well with the terrible diet he has. I'm going to sit this one out, Ike, so I can have a look around you, pervert. Get your head under your neck and shut your eyes.

Oh, God. I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying it. That's good. It's good you're enjoying it. Yeah, it's good. Good for the old neck. Oh, yeah.

Is your neck better now? Yeah, it is, actually. Should we do a small business shout-out? Small business. Okay, go. Hit me. It's for a shop in Bromley. Downtown.

Of course it is. Well, they're the only people that send them in. I don't even know this person. It's actually my dog walker's cousin's shop. Here we go. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Downtown Retro is a family-owned vintage boutique with two shops,

Regent's Arcade at the Glades in Bromley and on London Road in Sevenoaks. Step into a world of retro style with a curated collection of timeless men's and women's fashion complemented by an extensive array of vintage and new contemporary jewellery and accessories. You might get yourself some pants in here, Josh. Every piece from streetwear to boho chic, every piece in their eclectic range is meticulously handpicked by the very dedicated Amber,

who is fuelled by a lifelong passion for vintage fashion and retro styling. Come and explore the charm of retro chic at Downtown Retro, where each item tells a story of long-lasting craftsmanship and individuality they look forward to welcoming you into their unique shops and taking you on a nostalgic trip through the decades follow them on instagram tiktok and facebook too just search downtown retro there we go there we go dear rob and josh please can i have a small business shout out for my little sister's dog walking business

fur and fields based in reading heidi started fur and fields this year after finding joy in walking her own dog rosie during some pretty tough times working in the nhs as a paramedic during the pandemic followed by several years working in a local hospice i'm beyond proud of her for following her dreams by setting up fur and fields uh she can be found at fur f-u-r dot fields like fields on instagram and covers the reading area thank you so much for reading this out i love listening to your podcast genuinely look forward to the walk back from school drop off on tuesdays and fridays thanks again emily there we go retro clothes and dog walkered something for everyone josh i'll see see you on Friday with another interview

and then back on Tuesday for more of this. Exciting. See you then, mate. Bye. Bye. Uh-oh, you died. Mints through a woodchipper. Absolute classic.

But don't worry, you're coming to the fun place where the lava's hot and the gossip is even hotter. Welcome to Hell is the brand new comedy podcast by me, Daniel Fox, comedian, sketch hussy and Hell's resident receptionist. And me, Dane Buckley, comedian, black belt in contemporary dance and lapsed angel. Each week we read outrageous confessions from you, the listener, and judge them. So come down and join us. Welcome to Hell is available now wherever you get your podcasts.