Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP23: Would you touch black goo?!?

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Okay, Ruben, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Yeah, can you say Rob Beckett? Beckett.

Yeah, well done. And Josh Whiddicombe? Whiddicombe. Well done, that's really good. Right, Ruben needs to be young to get away with that because otherwise it was shit. We could play a really dangerous game here, Rob. Which is, I'm going to ask you what the maximum age Ruben should be, otherwise it was shit. I think if Ruben's three and a half or older.

Yeah, he's gone conservative. Yeah, really, really, really panicked there. 20 months. Uh, Ruben, attempt, that's one and. Really, really, really panicked there. 20 months. Ruben attempted, that's one and a half. 20. I'm gonna let him off. Yeah. I loved having a go. That's like what they say horses love. Nothing against Ruben. I love his sandwich. He loved having a go. You know, we don't know that. You know, when they say horses love horse racing, it's that kind of thing. We don't know't know the room he had to do it because his mum said they love doing the trick the killer whales love doing those tricks don't force love it uh sorry rachel we've really gone for you thanks for all the

I read the laugh out loud listening to you guys whilst running or walking the walk I'm quite insecure so right whilst running or walking to walk. I'm quite insecure. Whilst running or walking to work, work means to write work she's had another nightmare. She's added I'm incredibly insecure. So if this gets read out, please don't have a go at me because it will destroy my confidence. Right, it's a bit late now. And it put your head above the parapet if you don't criticism. Yeah, Rachel. No, Rachel, thank you very much. We appreciate you sending that in

and he is only 18 months. So I think that was a good effort. Oh, Rob, talking about not putting your head above the parapet if you need, if you don't want criticism, what have you done? I went on a talk sport to promote the new podcast I'm doing with Dara O'Briain, 53 minutes. Pardon? Pardon? What? It's a six parter.

What? You're doing another podcast with somebody else? Yeah, and it feels good. No. It's not better, it's just different. It's very different. It's a maximum of six parts, it's about a niche football story. I'd say in terms of, I could promote it on

here, but I'd say there is nothing for our listeners. What I'd say as well, like if you're the same about podcasts as this podcast, you'll start talking about a niche Chinese footballer, then end up talking about your kids. Because that's the way we go. So I went on Talk Sport to promote it, Rob. Perfect place. Perfect place. You're literally talking sport. I'm literally talking sport. You couldn't be doing it more in the nose. Yeah, with Charlie Baker, we've had on here, and Paul Hawkesby, who I really like.

Great guys. Great guys. I think Talk Sport's got a lot better in recent years. They've gone for good presenters with good personality and good banter rather than saying something that's going to wind someone up to bring it on. I don't know Rob, while we were waiting, Simon Jordan and Jim Weimer were on. And I just thought, they look so angry. And I was like, to be that angry for three hours a day can't be good for your heart.

Also, at least on a news news one is about politics. The thing is, it just really bothers me with Man United's defensive options. Karen McGuire's not bothered and he's one of them. Oh, I worry about these people. They're both kind of puked with anger. It's half 10 in the morning and they're discussing whether Birmingham City should reappoint Gary Rowert. And you're like, who cares? Even Gary's not bothered.

Even he's chilled out about it. He knows it doesn't matter. I'm already based in the Midlands. There's loads of clubs around here. Summit of Crop. I do Walsall for six months. Talking of red, I've gone red. Why am I so red? You're just thinking about Gary Rowatt. Anyway.

I'm just hot and excited. So I got asked about Plymouth Argyle, Rob. Yeah, okay. So then a day later, I'm like, I wonder if there's any news on Plymouth Argyle. Yeah. I go onto the Plymouth Argyle message boards. Go on.

There's 107 message long string about whether I'm funny or not. 107, surely that would work out quicker than that. Well, annoyingly for me, it moved into a different discussion. So while my name was in the title, they'd started discussing whether the song I'd slagged off was good or bad. So the Plymouth Huggile club's- So strip or thread? Like a thread, you know, like a message board.

Off the back of you talking sport. The title was Josh Whiddicombe. Right, and what are they saying about you, Josh? Did you read all of it? Yeah, I couldn't, I'll be honest with you, Rob, I sent it to my brother and it's one of the best reads I've had in ages. It was so funny Yeah, now you've said it that kind of stuff is it a lot of a lot of stuff like I've heard

He's a comedian. I don't know if you'd laugh. I know. Oh man, I love that. I love it when they go, I read stuff and they go, I can't believe he earns a living as a comic. I'm like, yeah, same. We've got a lot in common. I can't believe I do.

It's absolutely great. I love it. I can't believe it. We've got a lot, we've got a lot, we've got a lot in common here. I think we'd get on. Yeah. I can't believe it. We've got a lot in common here. I think we'd get on. I can't believe it either, mate. I don't think I'm funny either. I put shows on and people turn up. So I can't not. What if that happened to you? I think I'm stealing a living as well, but here we are.

How do I do a podcast where I tell people, listen, I think, I don't know, Michael looks at the numbers and he's not panicking. He's just been on holidays. It must be going well. As far as I know, he's putting them out. Oh my God. Yeah. I tell you what, these people are angrier than the host on Talk Sport, Rob. The only people who hate more than me are the Plymouth manager and the Plymouth chairman and all of the players. Yeah, I don't feel like, no one really goes to the forum to go, do you know what, I just want to say I think the lads are doing great.

Yeah. Just sort of pop on here and say South in the lads are doing great. Yeah. Just pop on here and something the lads are doing great. A lot of people go, does he lurk on these boards? Oh, I look on these boards. All right, mate. I'm lurking away. You're a real lurker. You've always lurked.

I was so tempted to, uh, material on lurking. No, it feels like you're like, do you know what? I'm getting the fan out. Because you did a great thing about stuff petering out but stuff never peters in. Yeah. That was good. And also you had a great bit about your lap and where does it go? Do you know what was on that? I said this the other day and I thought, when I'm in a car, when me and Rose get into a car and I have to move from one side to the other, I say I'll scooch up. Scooch?

Yes. One word to scooch. I'm going to do some scooch stuff tonight. I've got a gig I'm going to try. Scooch sounds like gooch. So you could do a bit. If you build that together, you could Peter in, Peter out. You could, where's my lap gone?

Then you get in a car, you see your lap. But when you, when you scooch, the lap goes because you're up a bit and scooch. I love a scooch. Yeah, because you only have a lap sat down. Yeah. Oh, Rob, you're a, you know what? You find me funnier than some people I've read recently.

I'm going to get on that plumber forum and start having a little ding dong back. I was so tempted to go on and go, guys, it's been an absolute pleasure reading whether I'm funny or not. Anyway, on terms of, thank you to people online, I've sorted the black goo. All right, yeah, let's get back to parenting and this pod.

Black goo has been sorted in your basement, dungeon, whatever it is. Yeah, in my dungeon basement. The guy came round. Yeah. What is the black goo and what's it coming out of? It warms up if something gets hot, but it wasn't hot at the time. It had happened ages ago. There's a power surge and your little electric box.

It warms and now it's to help. So the goo warms to stop it blowing out. It was actually, while it looked like it was still wet, it was solid. He made me check and it was solid. So you didn't touch it, you just took a photo of it. Yeah, I didn't touch the black goo because I didn't know whether it was. Would you touch black goo? You don't know what it is.

That can burn your fucking finger off. All right, do you know what I love the most? And it really annoys me that Lou doesn't. Someone goes to me, smell that. That's awful. My nose is right in there. I love a smell. Oh, I love a smell. I think if someone goes, smell that, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled.

I'm bang up for it. I want to experience stuff, Josh. I don't want to collect the scent and put it in my house. But I love a, if I go, oh, that chicken's gone. Smell that, Lou. She don't want to know. I'm like, give us give me. Yeah, totally agree. I would have touched the goo just to see if it was hard or soft to tell the well, I did touch it in the end. It was hard. He came round. Yeah, nice bloke. He told me that Alan Carr's got a much bigger house

than I have because he did his black goo recently as well. He was disappointed with the size of my house once he realized who I was in his view. He thought my house was disappointing. Yeah, I would not agree that your house is beautifully decorated, but I'd say it's a fairly normal size London sort of townhouse. He was very much attacking me from the other direction to the Plymouth Argyle fans. So he was saying that you should be sort of... You actually should be more successful than you appear to me now was what he was saying. Right, so he's been disappointed by what your careers brought you, whereas the Plymouth guys were incensed with what your careers brought you, which is a 10 minute PR

slot and talk sport with Darryl O'Brien, Charlie Baker. Yeah, right. Yeah, that that yeah, I can see why they're angry. I can't please anyone, Rob. I can't please anyone. You can't please anybody any other time. No, exactly. So the black goose dealt with. Black goose that dealt with, that's good. I needed to get that off the menu for today. Do you want me to run you through anything else that's happened?

Oh, I had a very busy parenting day. Do you want me to run you through that? Yeah, tell us about the parenting. What's been going on with you? Cause you've been very, we've both been very busy with work. However, we're both, I don't know about you, we're entering a bit more of a not as busy work phase. Three days, three weeks. the end of the last leg.

We did last leg together. Yeah, that was fun. You and Mel B, fucking hell, you bonded. We clicked. We and Mel B, we swapped numbers. Oh yeah. I'm going around her house before my leads day. She said, he's in the countryside and I've got two Rottweilers, is that all right?

And I was like, well, I can't really ask her to sort of like put them down for lunch. No, it's not actually, can you, can you rehome them or take them to the vets? And move into a urban environment. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, at the moment, the way you've left it is Mel B and Alex Brooker are coming to my Leeds show. And I'm going around for lunch with Mel B and I said, I'm going around to Mills before if you want to come come Alex and she said, I've not invited him in front of him. She's not got disabled access.

I tell you what Mel B says it how it is. Yeah. You know, let's be honest looking at Alex Brooker, there's a man that doesn't need to cross the Rottweiler. Yeah. He looks like he's just left Mel B's house. After attempting to break in.

Is that okay? I don't know anymore. Alex would laugh. Alex would laugh. And he's our friend. He's our friend. And so yeah, that was fun. It isn't you to do much, do you, when you're a guest on The Last Leg? How do you find it as a guest? Well, talking about, you know, stealing a living as a guest, really,

like it's such a well put together show of about a million things going on. You're sort of I feel like a guest on The Last Leg is the cuddly toy on the Generation Game. You're a big part of the show, but you're not doing much. But you do keep reappearing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As it goes through the little. Yeah. As it was, he does a line dance in front of you. Yeah, I love it. It's great. It's always like the best seat of the house, but no, it's good. It's good fun. But yeah. Elstree's a big fan. Also as well, when one of the questions is, what do you think about the racist comments

from the Tory donor about black women and you're on the show with a black woman, I sort of felt like this isn't my question to answer. No, I'll take this Mel. Yeah, you can't go on. Keep it down Mel, I'm going to answer it. It's like, you know what, that's Mel's question, let Mel do that. Yeah. I sort of tapped out of that, which I think was the right respectful thing to do, don't you? I think that was the right respectful thing to do. Yeah. So that was good. That was good. Nice to see you in work mode. It's weird, isn't it? I also very much enjoyed when Mel was talking about very serious topic of racism,

you still had sunglasses on, a Hawaiian shirt and a weird cap, and I slowly saw you take all of your fancy dress off when the chat got serious. Because I don't think you play it. I bet it was worse. It was Mel talking about domestic abuse, Rob. Oh God. Yes. That's even worse. And I was like, I can't, if they cut to me wearing sunglasses, drinking out of a coconut at this point, it's not the look I'm looking for. You're not taking the subject seriously. I's it. I do think I don't appreciate

how live, because I was so tired by the time it started. I've been up since six. Oh, it's so late. It's 10pm and you've got to be on because you've got to be funny. You've got to make sure you don't say anything that's going to get you in trouble because it's live. And then you do cover serious topics. It's amazing that you've done 12 years of that and haven't tripped yourself up. Well, yeah, touch wood. Yeah, touch wood. There has been points. I'd say it's very difficult. Because you want to be polite to your guests and laugh at what they say. But you also know that you're on TV. So for instance, when Miriam Margeley says she

wished Boris Johnson had died of COVID. What's your face when that happens? Well, also, that was on one of the ones where we were doing it on Zoom, because it was during COVID. And so you know your face is actually directly on screen because it's a forecut. Yes, of course. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, also as well, you don't look like a massive Boris fan either. No, it's very difficult to know how to... You've got to separate someone's politics from their death. Yeah, you've got to separate someone's politics from their death, as you said about Saddam Hussein.

Yeah, I was always chatting about him when I was seven. I text you before I knew you, I've used that just so you had it on record. But yeah, so there is difficulties, but there we go. But we've had that on air, haven't we, Rob? But the good thing on here is when we've had people tell stories, and we think this isn't right, but it's gonna be cut. We can edit it. We can save them. I'm not gonna challenge them on this. I'm just gonna edit it

out. Just just yeah, just go, all right, that's what you do, is it? Yeah. Next question. Yeah, is it fun hosting the Ranganation? Ha ha ha ha ha. Let's talk about kids, I stopped talking about telling.

Oh yeah, okay yeah. Come on. Let's talk about kids. Get back to the real shit. Thursday, last Thursday. Yep. Do you want to have a guess where Rose was? Away? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Is it always the same place or is it a different bloke? It's difficult to know because I tell you what, he must be, if it's just one bloke, he must be fucking knackered. You feel like saying, Rose, if you are going to do this, at least have two fellas in the go. This poor bloke. He must be fucking shagged out, mate. You've got to separate the affair from the human, right? And this guy on a human level is exhausted. Oh my word.

So she was away. She was away. You were away together though, didn't you? For a night at the start of the week? On Saturday, yes. Yeah, yeah. That was nice to see her. No, she's um, what you do is talk out like you're having kids over the next few months. Yeah, yeah, we don't like to talk to each other when we're doing pick up and drop off, but we like to keep it civil. Yeah. So,. So no, she's finishing this renovation, which finishes in 10 days time. Lovely. Yeah. She's on a new project. So she's away at the moment as well. Again.

Do you know what I've realized realized Rob, the 10 years of her going out with a comedian is fucking rubbish. When we're away, I didn't quite realize how annoying it is when I must go away. Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. But now the shoes are never foot is it's annoying isn't it no I've been very supportive in the house well done mate yeah no you've got to be you've got to be supportive you've got to be supportive um can you not just not fucking go but have a great time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he woke up as you were leaving the house because you slammed the door. But then you want to say, do you want to just sort of close a little bit quieter when you leave before you go? And then

you know that you're going to get 15 different occasions where you came back drunk from the last leg waking up. Totally. Oh, your lover was revving his Lamborghini outside when you left. Lover. I don't think anyone said your lover was revving their Lamborghini as a sentence ever. Do you know what? I met a girl from school. Okay. So you both fell out to the other people then? From a girl I went to school with. I met her 15 years on.

Right. And she used the word lover consistently. But that's because she's from the West country. No, not like my lover. I told this to her. My lover, huh? Not my lover. She'd say, she said about the roses, this your lover?

And you're like, no, yeah. That's what, no, that's it. Yeah, my, all right, my lover. That's fine. This is, so you'd say, she was saying about her lover. So as if you met me and you went, this is Lou. She's my lover. No, that's mental.

It's fucking weird. You say, you say, you say wife, partner or current wife. Exactly. How confident you are at the time. Yeah. If you're out for a bit of a laugh. And so last Thursday roses away. Yeah. So I'm working all day last leg. And then I also from I've got a gig in the evening always be comedy. I'm doing both the 6.30 and the 8.00 p.m. show. Right, okay.

Cool, so what's going on with the kids? Are they at school or? They're at school. They're at school. Yep. And then. Have you dropped them off? So, my daughter's at school.

Yep. I'm working all day. Yeah. Shell, our nanny, is is doing looking after our son. Right. She has to go. I know she can't do the evening. Right. We've got another person, Martin, who's taking over in the evening. You're like Lou Bagan, Mambo number five. I know mate. Martin's not done it in a few months.

What time's Erica starting? Tina does nights, doesn't she? So Martins not done it in a while. My daughter doesn't want to be put to bed by anyone that isn't me or Rose. Yeah, I get that. That's what's difficult, isn't it? Cause it's hard for them.

Cause you can't, it's not like chopping change in someone someone that you know. Yeah, so I'm like, it's fine. She really gets on with Martine. You can stay up late with Martine until I get back. Right. Okay, cool. Fair enough. She's having a late night. Yeah, yeah. Because there's literally no other option. Well, Katherine Ryan used to take her daughter to the gigs when she was solo parenting and stuff. So you don't want to start over that. No, no, exactly. And also I can't do that because I've got my son there as well.

So I'd have to leave him asleep in an empty house. And you, Martin and your daughter were all going to the gig. Yeah, that's not a good idea either. So Shell can stay late enough to put my son to sleep early and then Martin can hang out with my daughter for the evening while I do the gig. And you're doing all the statistics just to go to work? Just to go to just to go to an unpaid new material slot twice. You're making a loss. I'm making a loss. Because you're going to pay for childcare. Childcare and the Uber. On the subject of the Uber, obviously. So, Shell picks up from school and she says, Josh, I didn't have time, by the way,

your petrol's very low. I'm like, it's fine. I'm not using the car tonight. Is she driving your car then? Does she use your car for the tour drive? Yeah. So we're like, I'm like, don't worry about that. I'm not using the car tonight because I'm going to just Uber to the gig so that I can, because I've had no time to work on the material.

So I'm going to write some material in the Uber to the gig to make this worth my while. Yes, absolutely. Because otherwise, if you don't actually write anything, What is the fucking point? You're scram, you're just scooching. You just say scooch hard times. Yeah, exactly. So I still deal with microphones. Yeah. What's the deal with this room? And then I'm on with Stephen Merchant, who's like, absolutely word for word perfect. An hour of observational material. And it's absolutely. I'm literally like, he's so well, this is a paper

everywhere. I can't remember whether I've written it on my phone or on a piece of paper. But he's so tight with his stuff. It's so solid. Yeah. And it's unbelievable. I think he must have practiced at home. He turns up and he goes, got some new bits. And it's like, he's doing a one man play. Badgers weird. Yeah.

And I go, yeah, that's what I got. So I'll find out a reason why in a minute. Are you all aware of Badgers? Okay, I'll go away and write a bit on Badgers. It seems to me into the Badger stuff. So I'll have a little Google of them and see what crops up. So I leave shell to put him to sleep. She overlaps with Martine.

The Uber, I can't get an Uber. And I'm on stage at 7pm. And if the Uber arrives now, I get there at 6.57. So I'm like, well, I've just got to jump in the car. I'm just going to have to drive. Yeah. Cause really for a gig, you should be there about half an hour before stage time. But because of all this overlap.

Yeah. So jump in the car. You can just say it's Rose's fault. I'm not saying it's Rose's fault. I'm joking. No, it's not. That's it. It's both of our faults.

You've overcommitted yourself. Yeah, I've overcommitted myself. Yeah, that's fine. When I married Rose. Oh God, you're right. Bit of fun. You mean like divorce lawyers in the office just saying bit of fun. It was a bit of fun.

It was just bit of fun. It was just banter. It was just locker room banter on episode 43 of series seven. You said it was a bit of fun. I was playing the character of Josh Winokum. Exactly. Talked to my tax man. But, um. You used stripy t-shirts. That's a tax benefit. You just striped me t-shirts. That's a tax benefit. That shows how much I know about finances. Talk to my tax man. You don't have a tax man.

I tried to riff something about tax. I don't understand. You know, I couldn't do a Jimmy Carp because I don't understand it well enough. But anyway, and I wouldn't want to. But anyway, now that wasn't fun. That was that was yeah.

So I have to drive to the gig on the way to the gig. I'm trying to think through new bits. Yeah, I've got a new bit about running a petrol being late. I've got two new bits. I can't even remember what they are. I get to the gig. I go straight on, do the gig. I have, by the way, nine miles on my petrol thing. Yeah, because it's got a digital display. And it's six moneys.

I know, big shot, eh? It's got six moneys. Bear in mind, I've got two nannies. Neither of them are helpful in this situation. Then the petrol is six miles to Kennington. So it's nine miles left. And then I'll just get back. I've got to order Martina pizza between the two gigs. Surely she can order that and then you just pay for it. Um, well, we've kind of settled into that as our thing whenever we so.

You're driving to this gig. I'm a mushroom. I've got visions of you coming off second. That went all right. And I've got another one in half now. We'll quickly get deliver up. Let's get her a pizza. What a fucking life. So you're driving nine miles in the tank, six miles drive. Not only do I not have any new material, but I watched Stephen Merchant and he's got some material that is other new material, but I watched Stephen Merchant and he's got some material that is other new material I've got.

So I have now lost a routine. I'm down routine. I'm not even up a routine. You've lost one. I've lost one. I've seen someone do it better than you could have. I've seen someone do my windbreak stuff better than me. Right?

So that's gone. Bye. Who's my was my then? Get back in the car. Obviously, I'm going to enjoy this by the way. I can't be too late because my daughter's way beyond bedtime by this point. Yeah. Get in the car. I think. How were the gigs? All right. Yeah, they were good. Actually, the first one was easier than the second. So why

do I say that? Um, but the first one I thought, I'm a god here. The second one I thought, I've got nothing, you know, and the truth is somewhere in between. Yeah. Really? Not if you're on the plimmer forums. The talk about something in between was ordering a pizza. And so I get back in the car. I think I'm in London. I'll put the route home and I'll just pass a petrol station. Of course. Yeah. You're in London. You're a big city. Yeah. So as I approached the ratherithe tunnel, Rob, I didn't even know it could do this. The miles thing is just a dash now. It doesn't say zero. It's gone into a dash like you've turned off

a digital clock has reset. The panic. To be going, because you're're thinking I'd now take breaking down but not being in the tunnel. Yes, of course. Because if I break down in the rather high tunnel, this is just the disaster to end all disasters. I'd say it's probably the worst place in London to break down. Yeah. Oh my God. So anyway.

Are you not tempted by the Woolwich Ferry? Have you ever told about the time I was getting a flight out of City Airport and the cab driver followed the like Waze or Google Maps and he didn't know London. And all of a sudden I'm like, hang on, he's tapped me on the Woolwich Ferry. To go to an airport. Right, who am I? John Candy? Anyway, I'm like, hold up, but he don't know he's done it yet. And all of a sudden he's in like, once you get on the Woolwich Ferry, you can't, there's no way up, you're on. He starts going, boat?

Come on, let's go. I'm like, yeah mate, you're on the Woolwich Ferry. He's like, you what? I mean, it's a Woolwich Ferry. And I went my flight in about 45 minutes and now it's getting worse and being in a rush and in a car stationary on a boat. Oh my god. I was so stressed. What a blessing was so upset and panicked because he didn't know. Imagine following your sat nav and you

end up on a boat. Oh my god. You're in Rob Rive. I then I think I've just got put petrol station into my app. It's so hairy driving through a tunnel, typing petrol station into a phone. But what the fuck could I do? I'm panicking at this point. I know it's bad. Surely the signal is not good enough to search a petrol station under the Thames. No, it's bad. But surely the signal is not good enough to search a petrol station under the Thames. No, it's not. I can get the words written in while I'm

before I had to make a decision at the end of the tunnel. Because at the end of the tunnel, that's the key moment. I It's the windy one as well, isn't it? Yeah. You know why it's windy? Little fact. No. Bill for horse and cart.

Oh, that is a good fact. Yep. So if it was too steep just to go down and up. Oh, that is a good fact. Yep. So if it was, it would have been too steep just to go down and up. Someone's done QI this series. I actually got a question right on QI by accident. Did you? Oh. Yeah.

That's pretty impressed. I knew nothing. But I actually ruined it though, because they always say don't get the question right. I'm like, yeah, don't worry, it's not going to happen. Because if you get it right, then there's no banter around. Yeah, yeah. I had to apologize. I went on it this time.

Didn't know anything, obviously, because that's kind of who I am. Yeah. And then there was a question about music and what vinyl has been pressed the most. I said Blue Monday by New Order is the best selling 12 inch. Sandy Toksvig, who knows everything, she hadn't heard of New Order. Really? And you're like, what different world do I live in to Sandy talks, Vic, where we've got no overlapping knowledge at all. You look exactly the same. Exactly.

Anyway, you've met at a convention. Maybe we were separated at birth and we've got half that we just total anyway, unlikely. Um, I got half the, we just total. Anyway, unlikely. I got to the petrol station. Yeah. Treated myself to a dime bar to calm myself down. Is that the one that's next to the McDonald's? Oh, I don't know by now.

Yeah, I think it was next to a McDonald's actually. Yeah, it's like the BP one that's on that road, yeah. There's probably only one round there. There's not many. No, made it home at quarter 10. That's a late night before school. Oh, and then she's still awake, your daughter. She's not many. No, made it home. I quarter to 10. That's a late night. She's still awake your daughter. She's still awake. Yeah, I take her to bed, get to sleep about 1015. Yep.

And then that was my day. Oh, and then I had dinner. How would you have? Because there was meat on the pizza. I couldn't finish that. So, um, Oh, so Martin didn't finish a pizza. No, it was fair enough. Was you tempted to just order a mushroom on and go, Oh, they'd run out of ham. Next time. You just like mushroom, didn't you? Cool. Cheers. Bye. Did you eat it with a knife and fork? So there's not bite marks so that I can finish it off. And could you eat it with a knife and fork so there's not bite marks so that I can finish it off? Oh that was a stressful day of parenting anyway.

Well yeah it's because you know if someone's away and you've still got to work it is just- Oh my word it's hairy isn't it? Very very hairy I mean what I've been- Anyway Rob two things Rose is away and I'm working doing the same two gigs again tonight so that'll be fun. It's the same setup again. Yeah. But Rosie's mom's coming this time. Oh, that's good. So she can just have them both from the off. Yeah. That's good. Well, that's good. I bet you all doing we've been watching classic old films with the kids. Oh, nice. films with the kids. Oh nice! Schindler's List. No. Basic Instinct. Honey I Shrunk the Kids.

Oh how is it? Great. Do you know what I found funny was, they put it on and they like Baby's Day Out. Have you ever seen Baby's Day Out? Yeah. Great film, they love that one and then I thought oh these sort of like John, John Hughes, I don't know if John Hughes did Honey, I'll try the kids. Yeah, but that kind of they love it. And it was so fun. Watch it. It was funny though on honey, I'll try the kids. They've got Rick, Rick Moranis. Yeah, obviously. There's a bit where you just like the opening shot of him just looking at his machine that he's building. He just pissed himself laughing. Just his face. Poor bloke. That's a living. Tell that to the Plymouth Old Girl fucking message board mate.

I should have gone on and gone what do you think of how you shun the kids? Have you done Home Alone? And we did a bit, but it's a little bit scary for them. Ah, a little bit. The so my dogs, one of my dogs been humping the other dog. Yeah, but they've had their nuts off. It's based on the dominance thing where they just sort of hump the other dog. Anyway, my, my daughter's like, Oh, look what they're doing. And they keep they're doing the conga. I hope they didn't join the conga line.

Well, no, they did not join the conga line. Yeah, that's been cracking us up. I want to ask you this Josh, well, right on your alarms, right in the morning, we've been getting up early, right this last couple of weeks for different things. I don't have alarms now. On your phone. Because my children just wake up. Yeah, do I have a million alarms? Well, not just a million, but I've got, I've realized my alarm is named after something, you know, you can name them so I remind you to do something but I still use that one as my alarm So I get up my alarm at the moment is 6 a.m. Yeah, and it just says foil off the turkey

From when I lose went off the other day and it said buy a Glastonbury ticket So obviously it was it was a time for another reason a time for another reason. I just wonder if you've got any? Yeah, I've got one. I'm on their alarms. I think it's a funny thing. That's a good one. Four minutes past midnight. Yeah. Remember driver's license. I think that I'll remember driver's license paper. I think that is early flight. Yeah. And renting a car. That's my guess on that one.

Let me find the other ones. There'll be more. I've got medicine, antibiotics, pay invoices. But just want to remind us to do that. National tickets, that's tickets to watch the national presumably two minutes past eight in the morning, they must have gone on sale that day. Because the time changes though. So that's the thing. But so I'm having foil off Turkey still my I just click on

that one because it's at the top. Oh, and you just change it. Whereas I've got look at this. I never delete them. So I've just got every time I've ever woken up. Just listed. And there's some really weird ones like, why am I setting an alarm for like 9pm or 9.45 or I've literally set alarms. I do it for getting stuff out the oven. 3, 4pm.

Or sometimes I've got like 6.30pm which is like I'm having a sleep before my gig. That'll be when you're doing last leg. Oh yeah, Visha money. Visha 9.20. Visha was a cleaner I had in 2006 when we moved to London and that was the first time in the contract we were told to get a cleaner, like as part of the house. Right, okay. And it was a transformative moment in my life. Yeah, soisha, where I had to get money out for her at 920am 15 years ago, and I've still got the paper DVLA form similar similar situation. Can I ask you something, Josh? I'm getting old and angry. I'm not an old man, but but you've been offered a job on Talk Sport.

No, the pothole situation at the moment seems to be off the chart. You've moved to the country Rob. Even when I'm like in London or in Bromley, it's gone up a level. And I don't know if it's because I'm just getting older noticing, or if there are more, but it feels like potholes are getting out of control. I think you're getting older. Did you know, bit of a fact, Go on. that pot holes is the biggest, it's the biggest topic in terms of what affects votes in an election is pot holes.

Yeah, because it's just that it's the thing you see the most where it's decaying. The thing people care about most in society is pot holes. Right. So maybe that's why they're trying. But it does, I don that's why they're trying, but it does, I don't know if they're like lying about it to try and get the votes to swing us that way, but- What is a pothole? Well, it's just a hole in the brain.

I know, I know, but how does it, why is there suddenly, they don't wear away, so what happens? Why does a hole suddenly pop? I don't know, but I've seen people go around, but what they do is they fill it now with just like cheap tarmac-y stuff that sort of like doesn't really do it properly but that was what like Lou, Lou wedding one the other day and broke her uh tire. Oh um but um it's just anyway I don't know I just wanted to run it past you I'm I just wonder if I'm getting old

turning into an old gammon man. Well I don't think so I quite enjoy dodging them. It feels like you're a Mario Kart. I don't not enjoy that. Absolutely not. Particularly if I'm on zero petrol. God, it's exciting driving with me. Oh, Josh, I took a leaf out of your book the other day. Oh, yeah. I've been like, so you know, you said you always go a wee when you do the school drop off. Yeah. I had a busy school drop off, so I needed a way. Yeah.

And I went in and I was like, it's not quite nice actually, isn't it? It's, and it feels like I've just felt like, but then I feel like it's almost like drugs, like once your bladder knows it's there, it's hard not to go, well, it's just a toilet there. It's an oasis in the middle of all this madness as well. And you think, when you're stood in that toilet and you think, how many teachers have just walked in here and gone, locked the door and gone, oh, that's better. Oh, God, there's no children in here. I am alone. I presume none because they're all wonderful professionals. Yeah, but he's is

I now I know it's there every time I go now I'm like, yeah, he's gotta be the piss man. So here's a question Rob. Go on. What would you have done in this situation? So I did the one show. Yeah. Same day as talk sport. Yeah. So there's no polite way to say this. I needed a shit. Well, I was looking at your diet. You was very busy that day. You was out with Dara all day. You was doing 7am on the radio up till 7pm. Yeah. And I know we've got the same agency that can schedule brilliant scheduling work. However, I feel there must be there must be like these like politicians or like CEOs whose days like this every day where I have to say to their PA I need to have a shit because I've had said it before to like my agent. I said Rich, I got to have a shit at some point. And at the moment, I'm back to back. And he said, and I want 15% of that shit. So I get to the one show and I quite need a ship.

I don't think, but then it gets to the end of the one show. And the toilet's quite close to the studio. So you want to make a noise. You've just got to make the one. One. One. One. One. One. Well, that's that. That's that. That's that.

One. Just doing it in the time of the show soundtrack is fucking mental, by the way. I know it's not. What even is it? Well, it's not the truth. It's not the truth. But I. But. It's not a tune.

Anyway, it gets the end of the show. Who else did you on with? Stacey Dooley. Right, okay. Oh, you know Stacey Dooley from Smart TV. Yeah, which thank you for watching. Oh yeah, thanks so much. Loads of people have watched that. So keep, it's been really successful. So keep watching it.

The more you watch it, the more you talk about it, the more chance you'll get of coming back. So please keep supporting it. We appreciate it. We do we bloody well do appreciate it. So I was on Stacey. I was on the one show that was that was a Freudian slip. I was on the one show. I was on the one show with Stacey Dooley. Yes. So it all finishes. Everyone wants to get their car. I'm like,

well, it's a long way. You needed a poo on the show. Oh, I didn't you don't clock it when you're on the show, do you? It's like, what? But you needed it before you went live. Yeah, but not enough. And then when live you don't think about it is what absolute wankers call doctor theater. Where this is a thing.

Rushing a poo though, rushing a poo's bad. You don't want to rush a poo. Well then, afterwards. You only got to sort it out in about an hour. Yeah, afterwards. What's doctor theater? Doctor theater is something people say in comedy and TV. I'm sure you must have,

which is that however shit you feel, Oh, once it when you when you go on stage, you feel totally fine. And then you feel rubbish. So you can do most things. You can perform feeling awful. And then it gets you through. Yeah. Yeah. And so I then, everyone's leaving, I'm thinking I just want to go to the toilet here. Who's hosting? Lauren and Jermaine. First names.

Great, great host. Sorry, Lauren Laverne and Jermaine G. Nass. G. Nass, Jermaine Kleen-ass, cleaner than yours anyway. That's good stuff. Do you know what? He was in the toilet afterwards and I thought, I can't go in because he's at afterwards and I thought I can't go in because he's at the urinal and I can't go in.

So for the people that know, he's downstairs by the, it's very small dressing rooms so everyone's on top of each other for the one show. And there are two urinals, two cubicles. Yeah. And it's that they know. And only really, only the people on the show go on it. So it's not Stacy and that, so it's basically,

Jermaine's at the urinals, it's either you or Dara. Yeah, yeah, of course. Having a dump. And so I'm like, I'm going to go to the toilet, you guys go. And then there's a runner that's tasked with getting me to my car. And I'm like, is that a junior person in production? I'm patronizing anyone. But if you don't know, normally you're entry level, sort of like the first job you're doing TV where you're normally about 18, very, very young, very excited to be there, very enthusiastic. And you basically go, can I get you anything coffee teas, and you run around doing odd jobs and stuff. And they're really attentive sometimes to

attentive. Well, I want I was just like, I just, it's all right. I know the way out and I want to have a shit. Please stop asking if I want a diet coke. I couldn't, so in the end, I just had to, they just stood outside the toilet. Oh no, John. I didn't know what to do. Not in the toilet outside the cubicle. No, no, no. But then they're like,

it's alright, I'll wait. And I'm like, you don't have to. No, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Because obviously it's on there. They can't go and go. They've got to say. It's their job. They'd have been told, don't let Josh out your sight. Make sure you're always there in case you need something. Yeah. And then you're like,

I do need to. And then you come out and you've been in there, whatever. I've watched some YouTube videos or whatever. Yeah, you're stinking of shit. Yeah, and you're like, they know, I know. I started just going, can I have a minute? I need to shit. Have you? That's what I need to do. I think it's just easier for everyone.

Yeah. Because people, all people shit. Yeah, I know. Why am I embarrassed? I was in the chemist, there was a lady in there trying to get like, she was trying to, it was for either a husband or a son or something like that, she was trying to get that stuff out. He's saying, oh, he's got bad stomach and it gets really windy and all this stuff, you know, and he feels a bit sicky like that and just getting this like buscopana or whatever it was. And then she was all a bit embarrassed,

she looked around and she went, oh, it's not for me. I was like, yeah, I'm sorry, I don't, you know, whatever. Then she went, oh, so I need some stuff for my dentures. and she went, oh, it's not for me. I was like, yeah, I'm sorry. You know, what the fuck? Then she went, also, I need some stuff for my dentures. And I went, oh, is that for him as well? She went, no, that is for me. I was like, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, God.

Anyway, I don't know why I started talking about that. It's clearly true. That's what I made. No, they didn't, but. Having a shit at work is so difficult. Especially when it's always a new office. That's the, the freelancer's biggest issue is not working out because once you're in a company and you've got the same office, you

can work out a system. Yeah, yeah. Um, another one, I know, I don't want it to be too in TV. But when you go turn up at a show, they'll producers will come intermittently wardrobe will come say what you're wearing, Someone will come and say, can you go to makeup? Producers will come and go, can I just talk you through the show? Yeah. So if I turn up at a show and I need a shit, I can't go because my door could be knocked on at any moment.

Well, yes. Normally, they put you in a dressing room with a toilet in. But it's basically like, there is a door, but if you have a shit in that toilet, the whole room stinks of shit. So then you have to try and find another toilet somewhere in the building. And then you get lost.

And then sometimes you need a little key card. And you're just a man wandering around trying to have a shit. Before you know it, you're on the set of EastEnders having a shit in the Queen Vic. I thought it was a real toilet. Oh, God, that's great. Yeah, next week, I'll talk a lot more about parenting. Give us some give us some trails what we're

gonna do. Okay, so we did we did my parents. We saw about what we've been up to been what he's been super busy because I've been promo in the tour, but that's all done now. But no, Lou is starting a course at the London College of Fashion. Oh, that's good. She's doing a course on bag design and production. She's got an idea for a business she wants to do. That's great. So she's going back to college to sort of learn about industry properly. So she's starting that

next week. And she's like in London, like office hours 9 till 6 like Monday to Friday So I'm picking up a bit more of the slack with the school drops and stuff like that. So Yeah, this is it's lose away lose away I'm gonna have a bowl of porridge to live Josh's life. My wife's not here and I'm soaking in oats So, yeah, so that's gonna be a I've got a very busy couple of weeks coming. Busy than it would be normally, because I'm doing a bit more of the childcare. So I'll be reporting back. That's exciting. That is exciting. Yeah. So, um, yeah, so it's so funny. Lou's really excited, but also a bit nervous because it's sort of like going back to work. Yeah, she got a pencil case. That stuff like, stuff like that is because it's all like going back. She got pencil case that stuff like stuff like that is it's I

don't know. She got but I don't want to ask too many. It's almost feels like I'm just sort of letting her get on with it. I don't know. Have you got this? Have you got that? And stuff. So I'll report back. And she was keeping people updated on what she's doing on her Instagram. But yeah, I'll pull back on the parent inside next week. Josh. Excellent. Excellent. Interesting. Yeah, rose away next week. But you're joking. I'm not joking, Josh. Excellent, excellent. That's gonna be interesting. Yeah, Rose is away next week, but- Is she or are you joking?

I'm not joking, two days. She goes away two days a week for it, but for some reason they always fall on record days of parenting hell. So I don't know, don't know what's going on there. That's not, I'm not blaming her, I'm just saying- No, I'm not blaming her, yes. So if I spoke to her on another day,

she'd be like, so tomorrow is she at home? No, that's one of her two days. Right, okay. Today and tomorrow. Right, okay, cool. Yeah. So yesterday, if I said... She was here yesterday. Oh, right, okay, cool.

She wasn't in the house. No. But... She was in London. She was in London, yeah. Oh, by the way, you've got a porridge goblin friend. Who? Joel Dommet.

Oh! Loves the Leon porridge. And actually, I was giving you this stick over the porridge goblin, but he's so fit and muscly that I'm like, well, maybe I should be having porridge like Joel Dommet. Why don't you have porridge next week and report back? Have it with some honey, bit of banana. I don't mind porridge. Do you know what?

We've done worse features than Rob having porridge for a week and seeing Harry react. I don't think we have. Bear in mind I once recorded myself approaching a red light and kept a... Oh, because it took so long to change. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, let's put it down as a potential. I'll have porridge every day for a week and see if I get ripped like Joel Domet. Yeah.

I think he's doing more than just having porridge. Yeah, I think he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Colby Muck style. Maybe I'll get Joel Domet's like schedule of fitness and food. I think it's quite simple. Whereas I will have a Romana pizza probably twice a week from Peach and Truss. Oh my God. I had a pizza on Thursday for lunch. Not on Thursday, whenever I was with Dara. Yeah. We went to Pizza Pilgrims. I felt like I'd been punched in the

fucking face. A fucking pizza at lunch and then I had to talk to Johnny Vaughan for 20 minutes. I just barely keep my head above water. You're a sensitive soul. Look, you're I am. Let's do this. Small business shout out. Shall we? Yeah.

Here we go. Here we go. Hi guys. I'm a bit behind but catching up currently on series four, episode seven, no idea where that is. Um, love the podcast. Whilst I don't have any kids now, I enjoy listening to the trials and behind but catching up currently on series four episode seven, no idea where that is. Love the podcast whilst I don't have any kids now I enjoy listening to the trials and tribulations of parenthood. We did at one point have four dogs so in a way at some points it was just as crazy. I think that's harder work than kids, four dogs. They're basically like six-year-olds forever.

Yes, although Rose claims she was joking when she said this. What gone? The other night I, my daughter woke up in the middle of the night. Yeah. Yes. Although Rose claims she was joking when she said this. What gone? The other night, my daughter woke up in the middle of the night and I had to go and lie. She was like, couldn't go back to sleep. So I went and lay up there with her. She fell asleep. I fell asleep.

Then every time I woke up in the night to leave, she woke up and I had to stay there all night. Yeah, right. And in the morning I'm like, I'm knackered. And then Rose was like, well, I had the cat all night. And you're like, mate, what? That's a very, she claims she was joking. I was not in the mood for that joke, Rob.

No, I don't think if, cause like, even if the cat is keeping you up, fucking launch it out. Well, the, our cat, it, it pulls our faces at night. Shut the door. Bob, we just love that cat too much. Well I think if you've got a problem with the cat wake you up, shut your door and put the cat outside. And because you can't do that with a child. You can't just put your child in the garden and shut the door.

Yeah. Right, here we go. This is the lady. Oh yes. This is the four dogs. Oh, gear shift Josh. Sadly, we lost two of our dogs close together. My partner took up making items for home and hound to keep her mind busy after the sad

loss of two of our loved pooches. She worked so hard and I'm immensely proud of all she has achieved. She is self-taught and her finished products have an amazing finish and top quality feel. Her business is Craft Creations by Jenna. Lovingly handmade in Colchester, but all items can be posted.

She makes, yeah, it's tough to run a collection only business. All right, I'm just driving to Colchester to pick up some poo bag holders. She makes everything from peg bags, reusable hand warmers, reusable food and snack bags, reusable food covers and for the dog walkers, poop bag holders and dog treat bags plus much more. She's on Etsy, Craft Creations byjennah, or Instagram at craftcreationsbyjennah. In your basket, quote, save zero five for 5% off.

Keep up the great work and thanks for the shout out if we get one. Craig from Cold Chest Art. So that's nice, she turned the sadness of losing a dog into a new business. Good on you, Jenna. Thank you for listening, everyone. Yes, and we'll see you on Friday for a guest

and back on Tuesday where I'll report in the world of parenting. Exciting. Exciting times. Right, see you later mate. Bye.