Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP3: CAR PASSENGER ETIQUETTE

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with camille you did rob beckett love it where's that belfast

yeah oh god you're gonna love the dad's name as well oh come on liquid gold in the ear give it to me it's called axel oh i thought it was gonna be like a sexy french name axel oh i think axel's quite cool isn't it i just think of axel rose yeah he's calling cool oh no not axel rose i think of axel foley um oh from from... Eddie Murphy and Beverly Hills Cop. That's who I was thinking of. Yeah, Axl Rose isn't cool. Hello, Rob, Josh and Michael. This is my daughter Camille and my daughter Niamh.

Do you want to have a go at the spelling of Niamh, Rob? N-I-A-M-H. Correct. Oh. Yes. Camille is three. In March, Niamh is 14 months. My wife, Anna, are long-time listeners to the podcast

and came to the live at the O2 last year. As you can hear, I am French. And Anna is Irish, as evidenced by the kids' names. I speak French to the kids. Anna speaks English. So there's a lot of resulting Fronglish spoken in the house. Right. Because what's the French, Niamh?

N-E-V-E. Yes, I've got to go and answer the door. My cleaner's here. Sorry. What were we talking about? Right. Just tap your mic for me, please. Oh, yeah.

Right, let's go. That was proper slapstick. All right, let's go. That was proper slapstick. At points there, it felt like they trained, you know how they sometimes train gorillas to communicate? And it was like the first ever podcast with a gorilla and a human. He just tapped that mic and it fell over.

Anyway. Oh, why have I got other items in my fucking... So what are you doing now on your phone? Well, Rob, I've been pondering this, but I haven't pulled the trigger on it. Come on. Okay, Botox. I think that's too little too late. It's a moleskin

notebook okay how does the mole feel about that yeah right bit of fun bit of fun but when you write in it

is it not moleskin it's a special no it can't be moleskin it's a special that would be mental if that slipped through the net people are like protesting all sorts

of the fucking moles I don't want to get the pain thrown on me. Moles are getting skinned so you can write about... I'm sat in a cafe writing some stand-up. Someone threw some red paint all over me. Oh, it is a natural heavyweight cotton with durable twilled weaving that is not cultivated from moles in any capacity.

Right. So, when you write in the notebook, it's got a smart pen and it will go to the computer yes i've seen that yeah and it'll turn it into type that's that's clever so you write it out it turns it into type yeah it's a bit expensive is it what's holding you back that it's so boring it's not going to make the podcast why i think it will at this stage because at the moment there's not much else to go in it. I've got some good anecdotes. So basically you don't want it because people think you look like a loser with it.

No, that hadn't crossed my mind. For now I'm worried. Right, okay. So that's an extra thing. It's a business purchase, so I need to do it on my business card, but my business card's not linked up to Amazon, so I need to find my business card. Right, because it's a business card but my business card's not linked up to amazon so i need to find my business card right so because it's a business expense yeah what was the french axle saying also i think a french person when you hear them speak you know they're french you never i think out of

all the different nationalities yeah it's the clearest it's the clearest yeah even american it could be canada australia london but i think and spanish it could be like a south american spanish country uh should we head to asia are we going to get into problematic territory we just keep it here keep it here keep up the good work with the pod um i think the nigerian accent's quite you know someone's Nigerian Nigerian Nigerian yeah you panicking

let's get back to the email yeah keep up the good work on the pod kept us smiling through the challenges of 202 Axel, Anna, Camille and Niamh lovely thank you very much for listening

Bonnetou how are you no I don't know what that meant Bonnetou I just sounded French oh no you're asking me good something Bonnetou good in you good in you is that I don't know what that meant bonnet too i just sounded french oh no you asking me good something bonnet too good good and you good and you is that i don't know i've just literally said bonnet too it sounds like a brand on etsy i don't know yet i don't know

i don't know those dungarees you've got the girls they're bonnet too one and you is it is good and you what does that mean like if someone says how are you you say good and you oh Oh, yeah, of course. Is that when I say how you are? You're just out of practice. It's never happened. It's never happened. So first of all, I should apologize for being slightly late.

And it's quite a funny reason why I was late. Okay, yeah. Because I'm struggling to get up in the mornings, Josh, in January. I don't know one of those people that go, oh, I get that sad thing, but I do struggle without a bit of sun on my face because it's dark and cold and I don't like the cold. Anyway, I've got up early. My hair look quite nice, don't I, do you think? It's quite smart.

It looks like you're going on The Apprentice. You've really tried to get your hair sharp for the boardroom. Well, yeah, it got cut the other day, big up Millers in Petswood, but she told me, because I've got to the other day, big up Millers in Petswood, but she told me, because I've got it like swept back a little bit and a part in,

use mousse, because sometimes wax can get a little bit like sticky and a bit like, but a bit of mousse, and you basically, in the morning. V05? No, it's her one,

but you can use any mousse, Henry's mousse or whatever, it's her brand of mousse, but you can use any mousse, and you basically put it in your hair, drop it when your hair's dry, then just comb it back. And it looks really like you're in the mafia.

But as it dries, it doesn't look as sticky. And it looks quite dry. Rob, we need to see the picture of you when you comb it back initially. I'll do it tomorrow. That's the picture I'm looking for. I'll send a picture tomorrow of what it looks like when I first do it. But the problem is, because it's like chemical in your hair, when I go swimming, if I forget to have a shower beforehand,

I was in the pool and I started blinding myself. And I didn't know what was going on. And the girl's like, there's all white froth on your hair, Dad. There's white froth on your hair. And it was like burning my eyes going down the flumes. Oh, really? 90s injury. A very 90s injury. Your mafia look is slightly really 90s injury you're very nice your your mafia look

is slightly ruined by the fact you're wearing a hoodie with a huge all saints logo on it yeah i'm not really an all saints guy actually normally um more spice girls i had smoke coming off that the speed of it as it flew out your gob um yeah it's got a little shark on it and i was cold once and it was cheap in the shop so i got it yeah where it can't like anyway i'm here now and then oh yeah so i was i was getting all ready to come out and i brought some brought some food because i'm here at the office for a full day but um i put my basically my office is like 20 minutes from my house but i put the address in but the address to my office is very similar to like the postcards very similar to like a cinema we go to oh yeah so i put it in i was like brilliant and it's all

all about 20 minutes sometimes 25 if there's traffic anyways i'm driving i'm like this is a bit it's taking a bit of a different route you know this is good isn't it i've never been this route it's quite clear i've got to be there is is good isn't it ways they really know how to just they just know all the ways it's like they've built a road for me going yeah you know as i'm driving i'm this is weird and then i'm stuck in horrendous traffic and then it's i'm like bloody hell and i'm like this is good and i'm like god dear and it's really bad traffic to do some road work how bad must it be on the normal road for you to send me this right i've gotten i've gone this way.

But what I mean, I'm like, but it's only 10. I'm 10 minutes away. Let me re-put my postcode in to see if there's another route. I put it in and it goes from 10 minutes to 35. I'm like, no. Then I realise I've just put the correct, so I've driven 20 minutes the wrong way. Oh, no. And then not only have I driven the wrong way, I'm stuck in traffic

and it was horrible. Oh, God. So that not only have I driven the wrong way, I'm stuck in traffic. And it was horrible. Oh, God. So that's why I'm late. So I'm here now, ready to pod, got some stuff. I did notice this on the way, Josh, and it's very difficult to bring that without looking like an actual pervert, that the secondary school girls going to school in minus two degrees wearing a skirt, socks, no tights, bare legs, no tights, bare legs,

no tights or trousers. I just don't understand what's going on, Josh. Okay. It must be cold. Should we get back to the Nigerian accents? So I've basically gone on a detour and I've been noticing schoolgirls' legs. Yeah, you're just going to...

And now I'm in the office. These girls must be cold. And were you leaning out the window shouting? Yeah, I mean, I've got convertible now, haven't I? So I had that down and I'm doing laps of the school, just double checking. And it's a joke out there, John. But no, I just can't believe it. I just don't know what...

How are you going to deal with that as a dad when your 15-year-old goes out in minus two degrees? What would you say? I'd say, are you not going to be cold? And they'd go, no. I'm like, it's minus two. They'd go, yeah. And I'd go, it's really cold.

Yeah. It's kind of checkmate by that point, isn't it? And then you just got to go, are you just doing it to boys give you attention? What? I'm like, nothing. Oh, God, you're going to be going through some absolute. Just like, no, it's minus two degrees. I think you're going to be too cold.

I won't be. What can you say? Yeah, exactly. Well, it's like when a toddler doesn't wear a coat all you can do then is take the coat with you and then but you can't do that with a child you can't turn up with a pair of 15 year old girls tights just in case they change their mind who's that it's me daddy just he comes along with tights most days anyway break time change your mind

anyone else dad's a job she left school eight years ago. I'm a concerned dad. But yeah, so I was stuck in traffic watching this school go in. I was like, this is mental. I was stuck in traffic. I didn't park up to watch. Let me tell you about a traffic thing I found out this weekend, Rob.

Yeah, go on. Because we went to West Midlands Safari Park. Yes. And we had, I'll tell you about it. We had a lovely time. Right, yeah. But I'll give you a bit of traffic. or was it yeah big time big time but the reason i've got i asked one of the people who work there because you drive around the safari bit yeah yeah i said does anyone ever get out because she was like in in summer it can be quite slow because there's lots of cars. So we did it in about 40 minutes.

Yeah. Yeah. Were the monkeys ripping the car apart? No, no. We did it in about 40 minutes, but it can be three hours in summer, she said. Oh, as long as Titanic. Why is that? Six episodes of EastEnders, Josh.

I said, does anyone ever get out? And she said, yeah. People have got out to get a picnic out of the boot because they're hungry. Oh, what, to then bring back into the car? To bring back in the car. Not to throw a blanket on the floor. No, no, no.

And people get out to have a piss in the lion section. Why? Because they're desperate for a piss. And they'd... Isn't that mental? In a field with lions in it. The kind of thing my dad would have done. I think it's a different generation thing. It's a bit like, no, he'll be all right.

How do you know him? Yeah, he's more scared of me than I am of him. Yeah, they're fucking... They're basically big pets. They're domesticated. Yeah. He's never seen the planes. He's never seen the savannah.

Anyway, shall I tell you about our trip to West Midlands Safari Park? Yeah. Is it good news or bad news? So the Safari Park, superb, because we were in lodges. We were in Tiger Lodge. Okay. So I'll give you an idea. You literally wake up and you have a tiger walking past your window

yeah that's what i was going for sorry no that's fine right okay that's cool so this i'll just send you a picture i can see what i can it's weird isn't it now that i can just see where you slept oh my god so the there you go that got you fucking hell so there's a bed looking at a window no that's a bench that's a bench that's like a cushioned bench next to the window that you can sit on no no no there's a bed facing a massive window on picture one and a jacuzzi facing a window oh no no i've just sent you one as well rob all right okay so i'm look oh my god so there's a tiger just walking past the window. Oh, the kids would love that.

Yeah. So did you have a bedroom window as well looking at the tiger? Yeah, we were upstairs, though. We had a two-floor. We were upstairs. Right. So you could look out over the... Did you have an indoor jacuzzi looking at the tigers?

No. I don't know if I'd like that. Yeah. But do you know what? You could see the jacuzzi one across the other side. You could see people in the jacuzzi. Well, you couldn't you could see the jacuzzi one across the other side you could see people in the jacuzzi well you couldn't see them in the jacuzzi he's got the tigers looking in but can other lodges see you as well a bit yeah i mean in the distance in the same way that you could see a window um in a tower block do you know what i mean there's no curtains not there's

well there is in your bedroom. Yeah, of course, but not in the jacuzzi room. There might have been in the jacuzzi room. I don't know because I didn't have a jacuzzi room. I'm not sure about jacuzzi indoors. Are you not? I think it's a bit of an outdoor thing, isn't it? Well, you know.

Yeah. Would you want it outdoors with the tiger? I'd say, given the option, I'd take the... i think they've made the right decision yeah yeah when they designed it i think the wall was a good decision so anyway that was incredible they've gone quite tiger themed in the room as well i sort of feel like if you've got a window that looks out onto a real life tiger do you need a portrait of a tiger on the wall as well the tigers everywhere it was for tiger lovers um yeah so we we drove up after school on uh friday nice just it takes a long time to stop in a services doesn't it yes especially with kids um especially when you've got a queue up to like park and then oh yeah because you can tell how long it's taking by how much it affects your approximate arrival time,

or whatever it's called, your ETA. Yes. It's more than half an hour just to go for a piss, buy a tea, buy some food, and leave. All in. We are experts at service stations because of our job. My trick is I pull into the actual petrol station bit because they've normally got a toilet, so you can quickly go there and get food.

Yeah, but they haven't got enough food. This is my biggest issue at the moment, Rob, with life. The biggest issue with life. Okay, I've watched the news. Excited to see what this is. What's the big problem, Josh? You know the Costa machines in the... They are shit.

They're shit and they don't do tea. It's coffee or bust. Yeah, I can't drink. I don't like those. Also, as well, West Midlands Safari Park's taking a piss. It's Wales. Is it? It's so West.

That shows me with my sat-nav. I was like you driving to work. It's near West. It's so... That shows me with my sat-nav. I was like you driving to work. I didn't actually take... It's near Hereford. Yeah, everyone's got West Midlands accent. I don't know where they're putting it on. That's very... To me, that is...

You're on the cusp of Wales there for me. Well, there's nothing wrong with that. Well, no, I'm not, but I'm just saying, if you're going to... I don't know if you've got an issue with Wales, Rob, that's fine, but... It's Kidderminster. It's... Well, maybe I'm wrong, but it feels like you're on the cusp.

It's a long way, all I'm saying. From my house, that's three and a half hours. It was three hours 20 on the Friday. Yeah. We left a bit early from school, got her out at two, boshed up the motorway, dealt with 30 to 40 minutes. Someone stopped me. if this is you if you could ideally get in touch he stopped me to tell me that he'd seen a band where the

guitarist looked like me and what in the shops he was like he just really comes like yeah he said you've got to you've got to see this band. And I thought, I'm not here for a fucking musical. Do they work at a coffee shop? Because I want a cup of tea at this point, and there's only machine. And he was like, the guitarist looks exactly like you, and his name is Tuba, T-U-B-A something. Yeah. But you can't Google Tuba guitarist, because they're both instruments.

So it won't come up, Rob. So if anyone knows who this guitarist called tuber is that looks like me well his name's tuber yeah his first name's tuber just say the the guitarist from the band yeah he did i don't remember the name of the band all right okay calm down let's not get let's not lose our heads over this tuber skinny this is him. It's the first thing. Tuba Skinny. Let's see if he looks like that. That's the band.

What, Tuba Skinny? Yeah, because I remember they've been called Tuba Skinny. Now we need to find the guitarist. Fucking hell, I can't believe it's come up. Tuba Skinny. Who is this little hipster you bumped into this band? He was about 60, this bloke. Right, do any of these guys look like me?

No. I can't even see a guitar in Tuba Skinny. They've all got tubas. None of them look like me. None of them have got a guitar. Yeah, here we go. The guy at the back. Here we go.

What's his name? He doesn't look like me, Rob. I still can't find it. What a waste of everybody. Oh, right. I see it. I see it, Rob. I still can't find a good comment. Oh, right. I see it. I see it, Rob. Is it a little woman? Is it a little old woman on the guitar?

Is he having banter with you? Is he doing a banter? Well, it's a long-term payoff on his banter. He's doing well. He's getting some serious fucking airtime, this bloke. Yeah. There you go. I've sent it to you. Right. Tuber Skinny. We'll pop that on the Instagram. I mean, not, this bloke. Yeah. There you go. I've sent it to you. Right. Chewbacca skinny. We'll pop that on the Instagram.

I mean, not a lot like you. No. Not enough. Not enough. No, not at all. So that happened. Then we get there. Yeah.

Lodge, exciting. It's obviously dark by now. So you're just, it's basically bedtime. Yeah. The kids are a bit scared. My kids, I think, would be scared if it was dark and there were tigers on the other side of the window. Well, wait for it. Wait for it, Rob.

Okay. So there's two bedrooms. There's the upstairs one that's got a couple of single beds and a bunk. Yeah. And then there's the downstairs that's got a lovely double bed, a free standing bath, looking out onto the tigers. So upstairs, not tigers. You can't see the tigers, really.

Well, you can. You can see out onto the... But they're not eye level. They're not walking eye level. Yeah, you aren't getting eye of the tiger. A couple of giraffes, though. They pop in. Well, there is giraffe lodges, and they have gone upstairs.

Well, there is giraffe lodges, and they have gone upstairs. I don't know why that made me laugh. Anyway. After the planning meeting, right, what are we going to do? We've got giraffes. Giraffe lodge. Upstairs window. Absolutely for the giraffe lodge.

No need for downstairs. Yeah. Cut a long story short, Rob. Yeah. What are you looking at? I can see you Googling. Yeah, I'm Googling the giraffe lodge. Sorry. I'll stop.

Your glasses light up when you Google. Sorry, sorry. Go on. No, it's all right. Carry on. So anyway, lovely double bed, freestanding bath for the grown-ups downstairs. Yeah. Little guess where I end up sleeping?

Not in the bunk. In the bunk. Why are you in the bunk? In the fucking bunk, Rob. All right, tell me where everyone is. Rose? She's in Cornwall. You're up there on your own again.

So my son has got... My son's in the cot. Where's the cot? They provide a travel cot. So's in the cot, the travel cot. They provide a travel cot. So it's movable, the travel cot. Yeah. We decide he can go upstairs with my daughter who wants to sleep in the bunk. Right.

And then my son in the cot downstairs below the bunk. Right. So in the bunk upstairs is you in one bunk, your daughter in one bunk. No, no, no. My daughter's going in the bunk at the start. Right. Okay. My son's going in the bunk at the start. Right, okay. My son's going in the travel cot.

Next to the bunk. Next to the bunk. And then we're going to go downstairs. Yeah. Yeah, that's classic. Okay, get him in the travel cot. Yeah. Don't know if you remember when we went to stay at Rose's dad.

He fucking hates travel cots. Yeah. So we were so ahead of schedule. We were getting them up for bed early. We were like, this is incredible. Yeah. up for bed early we were like this is incredible yeah this is the best we've ever done um we we had 40 minutes of the night before's episode of the traitors to watch before that night's episode of the traitors right so you're basically get them up and then you can watch the traitors also you're away so you've got to watch that live

exactly you're on a time limit you can't there's no no no no no they've got they've got iPlayer they've got they've got everything they've got Netflix what a way to lodge and you've got a sex jacuzzi you've got

you've got cameras onto the different animal parks as well so you can watch the animals in the morning that feels like a bit of a lodge for a pervert

in a jacuzzi alright mate cruising up to the sorry if the tigers weren't wearing tights for you some pervert in the jacuzzi knocking one out why he's got the cctv on of the elephants you freak rob you're cruising around the school counting girls legs earlier i didn't count their legs it counts legs well i work with two of them um anyway sorry josh go on you're getting them to bed early you're doing well at this stage

yeah he won't go down in the car refusal pure fury does he climb out no he can't climb out but he can scream and we've got no option at this stage took it took hour and a half of screaming to get him down going in and out the room, in the room, trying different things. And is your daughter asleep on the bed at this point? No, she can't sleep because he's screaming. So she's just up watching you do this? Yeah. There was a particularly low moment when we were downstairs

and we were trying, leaving him, because we tried sitting. We tried to... Have you sworn in front of your daughter uh yes we a lot of fucking ills under our breath sometimes and they tell us off now she she picked it's the first time she said what does that mean what did you say she said what does i was ranting at rose about how it was going she said what does fucking mental mean what did you say i said i shouldn't have said that that's about that's bad words yeah yeah but it was a stressful situation all in yeah yeah also there's a tiger watching you this is fucking mental in a way it's all all mental. I'm three yards from a tiger,

and my main concern is my child isn't sleeping in a travel cot. We're basically in a tiger enclosure for the night, separated by safety glass. So have a kip, get your head down. Don't worry about that apex predator patrol in the... So anyway, we finally get him down. My daughter goes up to the, um,

bunk, doesn't like it. No. So she goes, I'll sleep on one of the beds. And we're like, we'll sleep downstairs. She's like,

I'm quite scared in this place. I don't know. Without you two, even on the same floor. Fair play. Yeah. Fair point. You're a tiger.

Your brother's been screaming for 90 minutes. Yeah. So Rose is like, well, I'll sleep next year on the other single bed yeah i'm like yeah so then it's oh i'm just gonna be downstairs on my own perfect double bed yeah no rob i didn't want to be downstairs on my own why i was like it feels a bit lonely it feels a bit sad just being downstairs on my house. That sounds fucking great.

I'd have been down there like shit off a shovel, straight in. Tap, tap, starfish. Obviously, I would have gone, Lou, do you want me to stay? We'll do a night on, night off. That's what Rose suggested. Yeah. And then I said, all right, do you want to sleep down there tonight? And she was like, no.

And I didn't want to sleep down there tonight either. It sounds like you're all scared. It was a bit. It's not scared, but I don't want to wake up to a tiger at the window while I'm on my own. You used to when you were drinking. So there we go. So you stepped on a bunk bed Rather than a double bed on your own

You're mental I am mental actually Looking back That's fucking mental mate Rose made the same decision That I was on the bunk both nights So what about the second night Did Rose go down

No I was on the bunk again So you said There was a spare double bed For two nights downstairs Yeah With a bath I don't know why He didn't do a night each Because neither of us with a bath.

I don't know why he didn't do a night each. Because neither of us wanted to sleep downstairs. Why? Because you don't want to be on your own. Don't you? I didn't really fancy it, no. Me and Lou stayed over at a hotel and we got a hotel room with two double beds in. One for me and Lou and one for the girls the girls right and we were staying near our friends over in ascot way and then one of the

nights said well why don't we let why don't we have the girls for a sleepover and then you two can have a hotel room to yourself we slept in separate beds that night seven minutes for seven minutes for room one three and a half and then it was just like she just enjoyed spreading out a double bed are you going to be one of those couples that has separate beds when you're older no but if i was on holiday and there was an empty double bed and the kids were happy because one of the parents was with them, I'd have a night each in the double bed. Are you about... I'm about to have a drink.

What is this, Robinsons? Mm-hmm. What the fuck are you doing playing at Wimbledon? Like, how much Robinsons have you got? Well, it was basically, I've got the big, you know, like the big family ones and there was a little bit at the bottom so I just diluted it all rather than like... So when gets to the bottom bit my little treats myself is i fill it up and walk to the top then that's my juice for the day you absolutely your juice for the day you sad oh all right top bunk

i'm in a top bunk you're drinking robinsonons as your treat for the day. That's how seven-year-olds talk. I was too scared to sleep on my own by the tigers. Where's my juice? Mummy. So what did you do? So you went around the safari when you got there or the next day? Oh, yeah, we went to a sea lion show. That was great.

Fair enough. And then we did the safari. And also, I put a cockroach on my hand we did a little thing with like the little animals and my yeah she didn't want to put the cockroach on her hand i had to step up and prove i was manly yeah um did rose do it no she wouldn't do it see look that's so lou one thing i'd say about Lou is when there's a spider in the house, because Lou's a feminist and I'm a feminist, so when there's IKEA furniture to be built or spiders to collect, Lou does it to show the girls.

Rose will do collecting the spiders. What about spiders? That's not to show Pearl. That's just because I'm scared. Right. Well, no, because I sort of basically bullied Lou into it, really, in a way, because I always have to get the spiders or any sort of creepy crawlies. And I don't really like them, but after a while you just get used to them

because you have to do them. And I went, well, Lou, our girls are just going to be sort of two screaming girls, stereotypical screaming girl, and there's no reason why a girl can't pick up a spider like a boy can pick up a spider. It's all stereotypes. So you're going to have to start doing the spiders. So Lou does the spiders now. She hates it,

but she does it to prove a point. So I didn't know if Rose, if now Rose is fine with it, but she didn't want to do the cockroach. Didn't want to do cockroach. When the cockroach, I was like, this will be fine.

It's just a cockroach on my hand. I wouldn't want a cockroach on my hand. She put it on my hand and it hissed at me. I fucking shat myself. So anyway, all in all, I had a good time but slept in a bunk bed. Yeah, I know. I mean, that's not... I just, yeah, I feel like you missed that.

I feel like you could have had a night each in a double. Did the full drive home. Yeah. No stops. I was fucking so pleased with myself. Three hours 20. Oh, that's good with kids. Will they not I was fucking so pleased with myself. Three hours 20. Oh, that's good with kids. They don't need to wear anything.

No. Oh, by the way. Yeah. My son slept through the safari drive round. Look at this, Rob. Oh, my God. Have you got a new car? No, no.

We were driven round. I was going to say. I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were a millionaire from 1982. I was going to say, I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were a millionaire from 1982. I was like, hello, Josh, you're in the full Beijing area. No, we got the drive-round experience. There's no way that's his car. No.

It looks like a yacht. That's amazing. It was a Land Rover. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. It's a big Land Rover. That's amazing, seeing the drafts like that. Yeah. But imagine that, because you're fast asleep. Oh, bless say. It's a big Land Rover. That's amazing, seeing the drafts like that. Yeah, but imagine that.

Have you seen that? Because you're fast asleep. Oh, bless him. He looks proper tuckered out as well. So we had a bit of a, we weren't at Pallava. It was fine. It was Lou's sister's 30th birthday. Yeah. So they went for a lovely roast dinner over in East London,

which is about an hour from our house drive. It's not too bad, and it's her birthday. But it was on a sunday three o'clock which is like such a brutal time when you've got kids because it's like that's when you're winding down you're sorting out homework packing school bags and stuff like that anyway so we're driving back so we're driving back about seven half seven and that's getting a bit late because we weren't getting back till quarter to eight and then the time that goes we're tired so i said like if you want it's an hour drive,

because the Blackwall Tunnel's closed, South Manor. It's an hour drive. If you want to, like, have a sleep, you can have a sleep. And then when we get back, we'll get put into bed. And they went, all right, so put some calming music on. So I put on, like, acoustic-y music. It's weird, because if you ask your phone for calming music, it plays sort of like music if you're on ketamine and ibiza.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all that. And anyway, they were like, no, we do what we want. They're like listening to meditation spa music, which is proper. I love it, right? Lou listens to it sometimes in bed. Anyway, so I put it on. I'm driving on the M25 because that's the only way back down south.

And it's like proper. Like I'm in the world's best spa, this music, right? It's unbelievable. Anyway, the girls start nodding off. Lou's falling asleep. And I'm like, give me a fighting chance, people. I was like, no. And I was like, she was like, oh, is the music too much?

I went, it is if you're asleep. But if you talk to me, I'm'm just gonna go off a bridge here like i can't and there's no way it's dark it's cold i've been around up all day doing all sorts i'm glad you brought this up rob the the etiquette of being the other grown-up in the car i think because if i'm driving on my own it's fine because i can just put on what i want on the stereo yes and it's totally fine. Yeah, like a podcast. So I would normally...

Yeah, let's talk podcast. It's not child suitable, not even loose suitable because you know something, you're a bit ashamed of what you listen to sometimes. It's just normally other blokes like you giggling and she's like, oh, this is crap. Yeah, but I like it. Okay.

Yeah. You know, I'm not having a go of your Vanderpumps podcast you're listening to. All right. We all have things. But you can't even put that on so then you just put on this boring music so the way i drove when i drove drove to west midlands rose had stuff to do on her phone yeah so basically it was three and a half hours driving

solo she was dealing with the kids yeah but we were listening to their ipads and then occasionally the five jewelua Lipa songs that my daughter will listen to because they're in the top five. I couldn't drive. They don't like their iPads when we're driving anyway. It makes me feel sick. They were sick once.

They just don't have their iPads when we're driving. They normally go asleep, which I've realised is quite lucky. Not a lot of people's kids go asleep. But that would drive... Whenever they're on iPads, we have to give them headphones or we just go mental.

But I know your issue with headphones why did we lost my daughter's headphones and they turned up yesterday so next time yeah we're going away it's hard to put headphones on a younger one they just throw them off also they just realize when you're on the motorway if they just throw their headphones on the floor they're done have i shown you how dirty our car got in that journey? Yeah, I saw it on Instagram. It's disgusting. It's fucking mental. It's because I feel like I'm just like throwing crisps behind me.

Yeah. Like you said at a wedding, you know, when you throw confetti. Just throwing crisps and opening their mouth. Did they sleep when you got back? Was that a... They didn't really go to sleep. They sort of just rested their eyes for a bit. And then by the time we found the right spa music,

we were nearly home. And then the roads, because they sleep on the motorway, but when it's around town, they wake up. And then we got back, gave them some beans on toast. They went to sleep pretty well, actually. Oh, that's good. Do you think it is the job of the person next to you to entertain you on a long drive?

Entertain you? If you've got kids. Not entertain, but at least be engaged. Yeah. Acknowledge I'm there. Because I thought Rose did a good job considering she basically had to do all this stuff on her phone. Because obviously you can see what they're looking at on her phone.

So I could see she was doing stuff that was important. Yeah. So she was sorting out stuff for the Cornwall house. I could see her doing that. If I turn and she's looking at Instagram. Yeah, no, I'm not. Lou's just like whacking through TikTok. I'm like, nah, that's not okay.

Come on. But if it's like daytime and I'm not tired and she wants to sleep i quite like it when they'll go sleep because then i can slip on a bit more of a pg podcast or yeah it's music i like yeah i just keep flicking through the difference get this when my son was struggling to sleep in the travel cot and rose was in the room and he was getting there she was obviously on instagram secretly and one of the loud videos played yeah it's too risky to go on instagram these days it's too risky to go on instagram these days it's too risky if you're trying to cause a sleep situation well you know it does because i swear i'll turn it down and it just absolutely booms out and also as well sometimes

if you go on instagram or tiktok that controls your audio so if you're playing music through rose's phone and then all of a sudden she goes on tiktok it just the music turns off in the car absolute lottery um this this i noticed everything you know when it snowed the other day i don't know if i mentioned this to you you know it snowed for a little bit tiny bit and it that's settled for about 10 seconds and just melted didn't it but it didn't properly snow where i was so I woke up the next morning. There was a tiny little bit of my life. It was more like frost, a tiny bit of snow frost on the car.

You drive along, and then it's Geese has turned the corner. There must have been six inches of snow on his car. And I was like, where the fuck's he come from? Because I know where else. There's always like, when it snows a bit, you'll be driving along, and there's just one fucking, he's just driven from the North Pole. How are you with frost on your windscreen in the morning, Rob?

It does my head. So this is the best thing about where we've moved to and we didn't even think would be. Our little car, we've got a garage. Little car goes in the garage. It's never frosted it is the greatest thing about winter for us now is that the school run we just get straight in and it's not even cold or getting them in the car because it's in the garage is like a warm temperature get them in no defrosting straight out on the road amazing however for me in my car that's out to the

elements and uh i just basically get a big coat on and woolly out and sit in it until it clears do you yeah but you can't do that with kids but on your own i do i just sort of go do you know what i'm just going to get in the car five minutes earlier and just turn it on and sit there i'm not scraping oh but the good news is that spa music now she has playing in her room instead of mama mia soundtrack my youngest. Oh, that's nice. Because every night me and Lou will sit downstairs and have a glass of wine trying to watch, like, Perform Me Once on Netflix.

And you hear... Yeah. Money, money, money. Watch me money. Awful. So now we've got spa music, which is good. Oh, my daughter got invited to this pottery painting thing with a friend and a couple of mates.

Yeah. Anyway, so I picked her up from the parents. They drove them back. And they're very lovely, both doctors, very well-to-do, well-spoken, well-educated. Oh, yeah, they've been lovely, don't worry. They're very nice, just lovely people. And I was like, like okay how was it all

good like that oh yeah just um something to mention about um her about my daughters about her the the thing she painted um just a little bit um bit off send oh god what she done like what she's written something on it and i was like oh well what did they do then she went for all the kids went all the her daughter daughter did a sloth hanging. It's like you pick a thing. Like there's about 20 things you can pick, and then you paint them, and then they put them in the firing thing, and then they come out all nice.

One of them did a sloth. One of them did a heart. One of them did a penguin. I went, oh, yeah, so she did a dog. I was like, oh, okay. I went, yeah, but the dog's got diarrhoea. It's got diarrhoea because she painted the dog and then just covered its arse in brown paint to look like shit.

Chip off the old block. Chip off the old block. So she's just done a dog whose arse is covered in shit, right? Yeah. And then they come home that night. The youngest one's a bit more like, ah! But the older one's quieter but very sort of just does random stuff. So she had an Ella packet the other day.

She still wears them like raspberry Ella packet things. You know, they've got the twizzly thing and it's like a little tube. So she was blowing in it like that and then pushing it with her hands like that. So she was squeezing it and pushing it into, you know, I mean someone's, you know, you watch someone has a panic attack with a brown bag yeah in a film years ago anyway i'm like what are you doing she went i'm seeing if what's stronger my hands or my mouth so she was blowing in and trying to like into her resistance oh this is weird talk about panic attacks i had a panic

attack on the dog walk josh i've had a panic attack for ages and i thought you have a panic attack on a dog walk josh i've had a panic attack for ages and i thought you have a panic attack on a dog walk so basically i once i remember once when i was a kid i where there was this where we used to live there was a gate you could cut through but only the people that lived down that road had a key to the gate so yeah i didn't have a key to the gate but sometimes it'd be left open so i tried to go down it but it was locked and i got there and i sort of didn't really know the way all the way back round if you didn't cut through and then there was this little dog the behind a gate fencing i could see it was barking at me there's only a tiny little dog but i got i got petrified and started crying and got really upset until eventually someone from the you know someone else eventually

someone come through let me through so that's probably where it's from it's sort of like a little pain anytime you have a panic attack normally it's associated some sort of trauma from childhood you're either aware of or not and it can be horrendous trauma of abuse or it can be your trousers fell down in pee and everyone saw you willy or or something like you got scared by a dog or someone jumped out on you wearing something and then that's what scares you anyway so i think that's where it stems from so anyway but like with most things i I've got dogs now, and I try and whatever it is that calls it, I sort of try and take it head on because of that old stoic thing

of what's in the way is the way. If you want to not be scared of dogs, get a dog. If you want to not be, you just have to do it anyway. So because the youngest one's still a puppy, he's really well trained but still super excitable, wants to with all the other dogs which sometimes can be a bit hard work because you can't really get around anyway I was on this dog walk and it was the busiest it's ever been normally there's no one I walk down this through this forest there's no one there but this time I looked down and I just saw you know when you leave a football match and there's like a queue of people

for the tube that was like that because I'd gone like midday on a sunday like the peak time and there's just sort of dogs everywhere mine was running off then other ones come like that and also as well people stop them when i have a chat and stuff like that but sometimes it can get a bit overwhelming when it's sort of non-stopping trying to catch the dogs and i still couldn't do it and i just sort of getting really worked up and i and i felt like i was gonna just like cry just because it was just all too much i was like this i can't just cry in the woods because I'm walking with dogs. Do you know what I mean? So I just put them on the lead and took them back.

But it was so weird because it just came out of nowhere. It was just too many people, too many dogs and too much going on. And I just got overwhelmed. And I was like, I just have to get out of here basically and just go home. But it was really weird because it was sort of like, that's never, that's like. It's the last place you'd expect. Also, yeah, that's supposed to be my calm dog walk in the mornings.

But what was weird was it weren't like I've been under lots of pressure and I'm stressed and I feel like at the moment my work's quite quiet and I feel really quiet. Oh, is that worrying you? No, not really. But I think it's. No, I was joking. Oh, are you worried that you're not actually okay and something's going to snap one day

and it's all just going to go wrong. But anyway, I just thought, in the spirit of sharing on this podcast, I do think, though, as well, January is a depressing month and quite overwhelming because it is basically the king of to-do list month, isn't it? It's like, I'm going to get fit, going to lose weight, going to stop drinking,

going to get on top of that with a house, do this, do that. This year, I think there's a lot of pressure this time of year. Totally. But yeah, I was just like, fuck this. I just went home. I just went home. I thought, I'll come back when it's quieter.

It's too much. But yeah, it came out of nowhere, that. And then your dog shat everywhere, and your daughter made a model of it. No, but the dog did. Tell you what the dog did the other day. We left a bottle of honey out, and the dog ate a whole bottle of honey, just like bit the top off, ate a whole bottle of honey just like bit the top of ate a whole and did a shit on the floor but like we weren't we were out for three hours so it sat

there for three hours we've got underfloor heating it went straight into my top three worst smells was it a honey shit no it was just diarrhea so it was just because it's upset his stomach it was just just a pool and because it was not thick like a normal one it was just diarrhoea. So it was just because it upset his stomach. It was just a pool. And because it was not thick like a normal one, it was just spread out like a pancake. It was just bubbling up. They hit the floors. Oh, God.

And we had friends as well that came round after. Like, we'd been somewhere with our friends, and they came round, and we walked in, and they had to stand outside for a bit while we aired it. Oh, God. It was so bad. Don't let your dog eat honey, is what I'd say. Don't let your dog eat honey. Right what i'd say don't let your dog eat

honey right small business shout out oh i've got i've got one you know we're allowed to do ones from just our life yeah we are allowed to do them i went to a restaurant called kaisen k-a-i-z-e-n right because we like the girls likes i love japanese food the girls like sushi but like just the ones with like cucumber in or like the rice and we normally go yo sushi but then i end up eating just like the top of salmon and they eat rice and it costs way too much um but there's in bromley the glades and i never thought i'd say this there's an amazing restaurant inside a shopping center called kaizen um and it was just really nice food really nice for the the kids. Got a kids menu, pens, pencils, colouring and stuff like that. But if you want really good Japanese food,

broadly the Glades Kaizen. Get yourself in there. They're on Instagram. I like it. Do you know what? Obviously we do. I'm about to do on the sent in. It's nice when we do our own because it shows that we've.

And it's a small business. It's not like a big chain. He's got his geyser from East London. He's got his one restaurant but he used to work at Novichok in Mayfair and Mango Tree which are like really fancy expensive restaurants

now this is his own thing it can't be called Novichok can it something like that it's a fact it's like a really but this one isn't I mean it's not cheap

Novichok was what they they killed those people with in Salisbury Rob yeah and that's not bringing the mood down mate well you called the fucking restaurant Novichok was what they they killed those people with in Salisbury Rock yeah and that's not bringing the mood down mate well you called the fucking restaurant Novichok it's called Novichok

isn't it it can't be well now we're not doing we're doing a small bit it's a deadly nerve agent you should see the dessert it's called Novikov right

Novikov in Mayfair yeah you're right you are right I'll take that mate it's not a joke Novichok this lovely little boutique called Anthrax get yourself down there of in Mayfair. Yeah, you're right. You are right. I'll take that. It's not a drug. Not a drug. There's a lovely little boutique called Anthrax.

Get yourself down there for some lovely, lovely sugar donuts. No, yeah, so sorry. But anyway, he used to run that place which is a fancy restaurant and it does really good

Japanese food. It's fairly priced but the food's amazing and it's a small business in Bromley. So go to not, no, don't go to Novel. Go to Kaizen amazing, and it's a small business in Bromley. So go to Kaisen in the Glades. Don't eat Novichok. Do not eat Novichok.

Hi, Rob, Josh, and Michael. Please give a shout-out to my mate Andy, who set up a not-for-profit community interest business called Game Day Vision. Andy is severely visually impaired and a massive football fan decided to set up game day vision to make football and other live events accessible to visually impaired people often stadiums and venues are accessible for visually impaired people with the biggest barriers being getting to and from the venue the aim of game day vision is to recruit

volunteers to support people to not only enjoy events but to travel to and from them as well we're based in essex but have ambitions to expand much wider it's very early days the organization as we start to apply for grant funding and raise our social media profile so a shout out would massively help we can be found on facebook and instagram by face uh searching game day vision cic Keep it sexy and relatable. George Martin. Presumably not the Beatles producer. Big up, George Martin.

Oh, I've just got kaisen.bromley on Instagram if you want to see what they do. There we go. K-A-I-Z-E-N. By the way, they didn't give me any free food. This is all just, I paid and just enjoyed it and want to share. Right, Josh.

Oh, God, talking of food, Pizza Express. My kids are on the fucking adult-sized pizzas now. Oh, no. Not the Romana base. No, not Romana yet, just normal classic. But I went there and I was in there for ages because my daughter ate a kid's dough balls and a kid's pizza. They went, I'm hungry, can I have it again?

She did it twice. I was in there for 90 minutes, Josh. No one's ever been in Pizza Express for 90 minutes. Rob, Friday, Romesh. Yes, we've got Romesh on. Big up Romesh. Third time back, hasn't he? Shall we say what we're doing with him?

Oh, yeah, that's exciting, isn't it? Yeah. We've got, yeah, you tell him, Josh. We've got his wife, Lisa, to answer some Mr. and Mrs. style questions, haven't we, about Romesh? Yeah, we've got her answers. He doesn about romesh so we've got he doesn't know so we've got them um and we'll be doing that with romesh he doesn't know on friday yes uh talking of uh small business shout outs he'll be promoting his arena tour so we'll see

we'll see you then bye hi my name's david here we go can't do it so we're trying to do an advert for our yeah for chatabix hello my name is joe wilkinson and i do a podcast with david allen it hasn't got a thing chatabix is a podcast magazine and chat show isn't it we're on three times a week we have loads of guests special guests surprise guests nathalie cassidy's's on regularly. Yeah, loads of people, loads of people. Andy Goldstein. Yeah. OK, can I read some of the highlights? Yeah.

Interviewing a Red Arrow pilot. Chatting with Ricky Gervais, Harry Hill, James Acaster and Catherine Ryan, amongst others. Visiting a haunted house. That was creepy. Being taught how to act by Martin Freeman. Backstage at the Blur concert at Wembley. And I met my hero, Andrew Roachford.

And I'm not ashamed to say, I cried. That's Chattervix on all the regular... Channels. Cheers. C-H-A-T-A-B-I-X. Chattervix. Well done, Joe. Thank you.

That's our promo. Goodbye. Yes!