Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP37: The 24-hour play date

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMAGE,

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you can lather and glow. The 24-hour moisturizing body wash is infused with Vitamin B3 Complex and has notes of rose and cherry creme for a rich, indulgent experience. Treat your senses with new Olay Indulgent Moisture Body Wash. Buy it today at major retailers. Coca-Cola and Marvel are releasing

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Josh Right, okay My job is to guess where they're from from the accent. I'm in Council town at the moment here, Josh. You are in Council town. I've got a one way ticket. For which continent is Council town based in? Asia. Yes. And you know what? That's enough for me.

Yeah. OK, fine. I'm going to tap out on Asia. This is my 29 month old Sanne. She's been avid listener for when Sanne was a newborn. I've been avid listener for when Sana was a newborn. I've been avid listener since Sana was a newborn. That makes more sense. Enjoying catching up with all the older episodes during the sleepless nights and breastfeeding days. I've been wanting to send in a recording for ages,

but Sana kept refusing to say Josh's name. We're just about to fly to Japan with Sana so she can meet her Japanese relatives for the first time. Amazing. Please wish us luck on our 14 hour flight. Thanks, Mayuko. I think we're taking the kids to Japan. with Santa so she can meet her Japanese relatives for the first time. Amazing. Please wish us luck on our 14 hour flight. Thanks, Mayuko. I think we're taking the kids to Japan.

Are you? So when I do Australia on tour, which is going to be announced soon, we're just waiting for a couple of cities to come back to us. You've just announced it, Rob. I've announced it, but I haven't announced where I'm going to be. I'll have a guess. Sydney? Yeah. Melbourne?

Yeah. Brisbane? Yeah. Adelaide. Yeah. And then over maybe to New Zealand for Wellington. I don't know about that. Canberra. Yeah, no, we're waiting for them to come back, actually. All right. So we're waiting for some to confirm. Anyway, so Lou and the girls, I'm going to go out and do like two weeks on my own and hammer as much as I can. And then the girls are going to come out with me. You mean work wise, right? No, I just fancy fucking basically a different area code. Lou's fine with me. You mean work wise, right? No, I just fancy fucking basically a different area code. Lou's fine with it. She's given you two weeks in Australia. Lou knows this. Lou knows she's my Northern hemisphere Bay. And then I've got a few guys down south. No,

I'm going to do as many gigs as I can. Then they're going to come out. I'll do a couple more gigs. Lou's going to visit her auntie. Lou's in Australia. We're going to do a bit of the Queens in Queensland and Gold Coast. And then we're going to fly it and do a week in Japan. Oh, nice. So if anyone's got any tips on kids in Japan, not kids in Japan, but we're not allowed for you in there. But you need a burner phone. I was actually excited. So she lives in the UK, I'm guessing from

that. But she's gone back to Japan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 14 hours. Yeah. Oh, that'd be fun. When are you doing that then, Rob? Let me have a guess. Summer holidays. No, no, no. Winter in Australia. Yeah. So we're doing it October time. So they're off school for October half term. Yeah, we may be speaking to the school about school for October half term. Yeah, we may be speaking to the school about being out of school for educational purposes, as it will be a cultural trip. Yeah. Will we visit in the southern hemisphere so they can meet their new stepmums? Yeah. And they could explore

the cultural heritage of Tokyo. Yes, Lou has already tried to book the Disney in Tokyo, but let's not let that get bogged down with the culture they can experience. They're going to see Mickey Mouse in a different country. Yeah. OK. Yeah. We've got to talk to the school about that. But that's next year. That's a long way off. Does the school listen to this? Yes. As a group in assembly Monday morning. I did tell you about when they went to school.

I said, I just want to make sure that at the school, the different preschools and other schools I went to, people were a lot more excited about me being there than they were that my daughter might be joining the school. Right. So when we went around, I sort of said, Oh, I just want to make sure that my daughter's the main priority and not and I'm not being dragged in to do stuff all the time. And she creates her own identity.

Rob, Rob, Rob, tell you something, Rob. I tried to do it. You're like fucking Mario Balotelli, mate. It's unbelievable. Right, get off the jumpers off there. Jumpers off. Yeah, and our identity and I remember this teacher went, well, actually, we do have a granddaughter of and she said a playwright I've never heard of. She went, you didn't need the second bit of that sentence. Yeah, she said a

playwright. And then we saw I'm sure she'll be fine. I was like, all right, okay. I was like, okay, yeah, sure. Okay. I don't know if you know what I want. right? And then when someone's short, she'll be fine. I was like, all right. I was like, okay. I was like, okay, yeah, sure. Okay. I don't know if you know what I'm on. Yeah. And then I did Bake Off. There's all fucking over me.

I was like, oh yeah. You've changed your tune, haven't you? Yeah, exactly. Sorry for being late, by the way. I've had a nightmare this morning, Josh, trying to log on for any techie guys out there. We use Zencaster for this. Yeah.

But I log on to Zencaster, I'm like, so fuck. Okay, look. this. Yeah, I log on to Zencast. I'm like so far. That was such an old man. I could pop on Instagram a supercut of Rob take his jumper off and then getting a coughing fit. Would you? We've got to get that jumper onto the Instagram. It was fucking painful to watch. I haven't even turned my light on. So the lights probably all fucked. Do you want me to turn my light on?

No, it's alright. No, no, I'll do the light. Make a difference. Gotta make you look professional. That's what Stephen Bartlett does. Got light on there. Is that better? Yeah, I think he's yesterday's man.

Stephen Bartlett. We've all got to be more like Natalie Cassidy these days, Rob. Anyway, I tried to log on to Zencast and on Safari, you click on it, it goes, you can't log on to Zencast on Safari. I don't know why. They hate each other famously. Zencast and Safari. They fucking hate each other. It's something owned by someone. Then I had to try to get Google Chrome up. Then it just wouldn't work. Then Josh, I had to download Edge. What's that?

No idea. It just said download Chrome Brave, which is a lion, but it looks a bit far right. So I left that and then edge, which is like, it's like the Microsoft one. Little page of the edge from you too. No, it's like a weird wave and it's like Microsoft's Internet Explorer, but it's called edge now. I want to go on the internet. What should I use? Internet Explorer? No, just call it edge. Oh, brilliant. Yeah. So I downloaded edge. As soon as I downloaded edge Chrome works like, you know, when you fancy

someone and they're not interested, but then you start going out with someone else. Yeah. Then Chrome dropped their fucking knickers. And now I'm here in Chrome. I'm going to say it. Go on. Right.

I'm going to say it. Go on. Give me a catchphrase. There's these people. These people. Okay. Wait a minute. What's happening?

They're coming over it. Right. I've got to be seeing my granddaddy. A card, they're both dead. I mean, over it. Right, it's not like I've got to be seeing my granddaddy. I can't, they're both dead. To have opinions on what the best browser is. Fuck here now, I couldn't give a fuck.

I don't care, just get me on it, just get me on it. Just let me go on the Guardian website and do my emails. That's all I need to do. I want to go on the Plymouth Argyle chat board. Yes, thanks. You know what, I don't understand. Newspapers that make you charged to read it and they give you the first

two lines. Oh, that looks interesting. Oh, what's that? Subscription? Oh, fuck off. No chance. Rob, do you not know how to get into those newspapers? No, how do you get into those newspapers?

Do you know, I'm still reading the Times and the Telegraph for free. How? I've still got my Mock the Week logins. The geek that keeps on paying. No, the gigs that's finally started to pay. The worst paid gig in television. But now I'm making it back. How did that get cancelled?

Everyone was like, I wasn't the same money as I was on Wanna Work to the Flower Market by the end of that. The amount of hours I put into those episodes. Not that you prep. Yeah, so I still got my Mock the Week logins. Right, okay, fair enough. Can you send me the login? Yeah, so I'm still logging in on my Malt The Week logins. Right, okay, fair enough. Yeah. Can you send me the login?

Yeah, I'll send you. Because basically occasionally I have to read an awful review of me in the Telegraph just to see what... That's my only dealings with the Telegraph. A lot of times I go, I tell you what, Rob Beckett's getting a bit big for his boots, he's completely eviscerates something he's done that's quite popular. Anyway. Oh, can I just, I just have an aside on your famous call. say, well, Rob Beckett's getting a big free boots, a shirt completely eviscerates something he's done that's quite popular. Anyway, Oh, can I just I just have an aside on your famous school?

Oh, yeah, a child at school. Yeah. Yeah. I was at my daughter's friend's house. He's got two older sisters. On your own? With my daughter, all right, a friend, and her mom, and her stepdad, and my son, and their cat. If you want the full line up. Yeah, I've got it. Yeah. Yeah. They're all in their busy in it. It was actually, but I took my son out to the park. Right. Okay. But her two older sisters were looking at Spotify. Okay. They were on Spotify. How old are the sisters? I think they're like

eight and 11. Right. Okay That kind of bullpup. Eight and 10. Doesn't matter. But, oh, it doesn't. Doesn't matter. No, it doesn't. And I walked past and they were looking at podcasts and they went, hey, there's you. You're in Top Comedy Podcasts. And I felt like I was 100 foot tall.

Really? Is that pathetic? I was like, maybe I am cool. They didn't listen to it. Nobody that's nicer for someone to go, oh, you're in the top podcast. I think it would be worse if they listened to it. Or it'd be worse if they're going, oh, look, you're on Spotify. And then their fingers kept on flicking it up to scroll down the top podcast. Yeah, yeah. There you are. You know, you go through your top podcast. Yeah, yeah. There you are. You know, you go through your emails, a million go bars. There you are.

The inevitable drop off. The inevitable drop off. Anyway, how's your day been? Well, not a great start today, Josh. You know, I'm on this new fitness regime. Oh, yeah, talk to me. I'm a bit inspired by you. Thanks.

Well, basically what I've been doing is I'm calorie counting. I'm on a slight calorie deficit and I'm logging what I'm a bit inspired by you. Thanks. Um, well, basically what I've been doing is I'm calorie counting. I'm on a slight calorie deficit and I'm logging what I'm eating and trying to aim for certain macros where I've got that my fitness power thing, right? Yeah. You scan what you're eating or you type it in and then it tells you how much each calories are and then you can try and go, Oh, actually I've had too many carbs, not enough carbs, whatever. And you try and balance it out and on a deficit.

Has it been not enough carbs at any point? No, absolutely not. Basically fat fat and carbs is the main. Yeah. Protein, just sort of anything I can do, just spooning yeast in. I don't know what yeast is. You know. Probably carb in it. It's all carb.

Everything's fucking carbs, it turns out. But actually, I've been quite enjoying it, and I've been really on it, and I've been having sort of rice and chicken, sort of quite, yeah, quite basic stuff. And then a couple of days, I couldn't do it, but I was still really healthy and sensible. I haven't really drunk much this week at all. I've then a couple of days, I couldn't do it, but I was still really healthy and sensible. I haven't really drunk much this week at all. I had a cup of drinks on Saturday, we went out for dinner.

Yeah, I've been doing that and I've been exercising lots. I've done two five-a-side game of football. I've done four one-hour long dog walks. I did boxing pads and I've been to the gym three times this week. Okay, who are you? I'm a new guy. Yeah, I don't like him. But I've really enjoyed it. I actually really enjoyed going to the gym and doing weights. I'm on this online thing where it tells me exactly what I've got to do. And I look at and I'm normally go I don't do that because it's too much. But I've been really on it. I'm really pleased for you. And I've actually really enjoyed it. And I can go to

the gym now. And I sort of know what I'm doing. But it's a long term strategy to sort of get healthier lose a bit of weight. Yeah, anyway, well, because when I weigh myself put on a pound. Muscle muscle. I don't know what the fuck's going on, Josh, but I was livid. Jason Vale Yeah, it takes a while, I think. It takes three weeks to kick in. Jason Vale Yeah, and do you know what? It's a learning process, because I did do some stuff wrong where I had on my fitness power, and it's really annoyed me. I was hitting all my calories every day. And at some point, Josh, I was like, Jesus Christ, it's actually a few of the right things. There's enough calories for the day. You know, you get Twix, it's like a million calories. I feel a bit too full at night. What I had on was

adjust your calories, depending on your exercise. Oh no. But it kept on giving me more, every time I did exercise, it kept on giving me more. I'm fucking up. It wants me to eat another crunch. I was like, fuck it up. I could have another dinner. This is mad. It's so easy.

It's weight loss thing. So I'll turn it off. You know what? That day I didn't go to the gym. I was fucking starving. I do go to the gym. Oh, my old living. I love you. You are a wonderful man. You're thick as shit. We are between us. Yeah. Our lack of common sense is fucking pathetic. Awful. We are both intelligent people who have done very well at a career that is a lot, due to what's going on in your head.

But we can't fucking do the simplest things in life. And it's unbelievable. It's awful. It's so awful. I'm going to blow smoke up our arses a bit here, Josh, right? We have worked very hard and come from very humble beginnings with zero network in an industry that's dominated by Oxford, Cambridge and networks. Everyone is loads of nepotism, stuff like that. We've ground it out, worked hard on a trade and then when our trade stopped, we created new things. We've done this, we've done that, da da da da. But then I can't fucking eat chicken and rice. The portions were massive.

I was like, I could have another chicken, I could have another packet of rice. Fuck me. Anyway, so I'm on it now. I'm a bit more aware of what I'm doing. But the top line is I really enjoyed going to the gym and lifting weights. I felt good. Yeah. And to be fair, the adjustment was only a hundred calories here and there.

So I wasn't huge about more, but I think my body is designed that. So whenever I've gone to the gym or really worked out, I don't really lose weight or get smaller. Any fat on me goes rock hard. My tits don't go anywhere. I just have rock hard tits. Yeah. Do you know what? John Robbins once described someone to me as, it looks like he thought all you needed to do to bulk up was take the steroids but you don't need to work out. Yeah so I look like I've been doing that but now I'm working out to make my tits hard. Yeah it's just got really hard. No but it's all right it's just it's just a learning process Josh we'll get there. I'm gonna join you I'm gonna do loads of working out now because I'm inspired. Basically I was was inspired by Lloyd Griffith, who's always been a bit heavier

and I saw sometimes been part of his act and he's lost loads of weight and goes to the gym three, four times a week, looks brilliant and stuff. And Ramesh as well has lost loads of weight. I used to go, I'm just too busy. My job is not suited to losing weight. And we've all seen your Instagram stories. You're not too busy. No, exactly.

It's getting to the point where I was too busy. Now I sort of feel like I should probably do a bit more. I'm just turning into that bloke that's wandering around the house. I like it Rob. You're living your best life. Yeah, but anyway, so that's what I fit up to. So I've put on a pound, but I feel great. But imagine the amount of calories you'll have to play with when you're fucking your way around Australia all day. I'm exhausted. Hammered myself to death in Canberra. Get the barbecue on. Those government Aussie chicks.

And guys. I'm going to the Southern Hemisphere as well. Yeah, you're going to. You should go the other way around the plug hole. Don't know what that means. Don't know what that means. I think if I had to be gay anyway, I'm a straight man. If I had to sort of give gay a go, I would rather do it in the heat.

Yeah, because the men are better looking. Because they're brown. No, I just think summertime, you're already half naked anyway. Yeah. Well, slipping the chunks off, you know what I mean? Where I think if you're not into it, having to take a jumper off to have sex does. Yeah, I'd prefer to have sex with a man by a pool rather than like an open fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I had to have sex with a man, we're all oiled up by the pool. Already a bit wet and slippy and we sort of go and let's have a go. Why not? Rather than a dank rainy February day in England. There's no

chance. That's what my wife tends to say to me. Why do I call her my wife? My what? Because it's like, you know, when you do something old school and you're like, I'd love to do something old school. How are you Josh? You're right. How's Rose? What's she up to today? She's not very well. She's got a sinus problem. Oh no. Is she here all the way? Yeah, she's here. Oh, that's good. Yeah, she's got a sinus problem. Apparently only the builder can sort out in a hotel. But that's...

So she's here but she's on the holiday in on the Holloway Road. I don't know why she needed Clarages, but anyway, I don't know what she needed the honeymoon suite. She needs Clariturn by the sounds of it. She's got... I thought that was love more, but fair enough. It is good that... She's got sightless problems, mate.

I said she's Clarages to Clariturn, come on. Oh yeah, I didn't understand it. I thought you meant Clarit. No, Clariturn is an allergy fucking medication, mate. Look, I can only... You've got got to meet me halfway as an audience. I had a situation like this at the weekend, Rob. I went to Millwall with our agent. Yeah, mutual friend.

Mutual friend. He's a Millwall fan. He's a wonderful man. Plymouth were at Millwall. Yeah. His maid's got a box, so he said, come along to me. Was it Glenn?

Yeah, fucking love Glenn. And obviously, I'm not the classic Millwall fan. But I think I can deal with those situations in that I quite embrace it. And you're with someone that will look after you and you're in a box, so you're fine. But I reckon, I'll be interested when he hears this, I reckon I really pulled it off, Rob.

You held your own in there? I reckon he was more worried about me than he had need to be. Right, and you could hold your own? Yeah, yeah. What kind of interactions are happening then just obviously because Mill will need you to win? Within 10 minutes of being in the pub with the lads from the box, I reckon I'd use the word mate 30 times. Yeah, classic. Yeah, and I heard myself doing it.

I thought you were fucking pathetic to myself. Who do you think you are? It's horrible when you've got that you go somewhere that's a bit stressful or whatever you're doing. And like you're doing it, you're doing really well. And in your head is going, what you pathetic little loser. In a pub in London saying mate thinking you're odd. Oh, I don't even know. Calm down. You're like, mate, life's hard enough. I don't need the enemy in my head. There's enough outside. I had a non alcoholic lager. Yeah, I just thought soda water

was a step too far. Do you know what I actually think sorry to cut you off, but in certain quite laddy alpha situations, the non drinker is slightly more accepted in the middle class dinner party. Yeah, if you are in a pub in Mill before Millwall, there's someone goes, he don't drink. Everyone goes, all right, let's not push it then. Because if he drinks, something's happened. He's a fucking lad.

If he does, he's going to kick up and something's going to go wrong. If we're in the middle class pilot, come on, just have fun, Josh. He just have a little red. Like, no. Exactly. Yeah. Because when people go, when you stop drinking, do you miss the glass of wine with lunch? No.

Do you know what? In 40 years, I never had a glass of wine with lunch, mate. I'd have 15 after dinner alone. I don't know what it feels like to have a glass of wine with lunch because there'll be 14 more. That is not relaxing. If I have a glass of wine at lunch, that means three days are out of my diary. So I don't miss that. Yeah. That's like going, do you miss foreplay, but no sex? No. Anyway, I don't know what that means. Do you just miss foreplay?

Would you miss the idea of just going out, meeting up with someone, bit of foreplay, and then you just go home separately? Or the massive boner. With a massive boner. With a massive boner. Strip clubs. Yeah. It's been quite sexy this one, isn't it, actually, Josh? I wouldn't say sexy.

And sexual. Sexual. Anyway, it all went well. Yeah. Held my own. All right, mate. Then at half time, I was like, I'm fucking gagging for a cup of tea here. Should I message him and say, how did Josh get on with all the Millwall boys? Yeah. Held my own. All right, mate. Yeah. Then at half time I was like, I'm fucking gagging for a cup of tea here.

Should I message him and say, how did Josh get on with all the Millwall boys? Yeah, yeah, do. You know what he says? You can carry on. It's all right. I can text and listen, Josh. Did I send you the picture of... You on the train?

Yeah. They were all singing. What, did you meet a Mill... London Bridge or something? Me and our agent went for a pie, which was fucking great. Oh, nice. In Greenwich. Pie and mash? Pie and mash.

He said I'd never had a proper pie and mash. So did you have liquor with it as well? Yeah, big time. You like it? Loved it. Vinegar and pepper? Yeah, I fucking loved it, mate. Heavy though, it is. It's a stodgy meal.

I'm starting to say mate. You're saying that? In Greenwich. Right, mate. He said heavy did it. Would you have one pie, one mash? Yeah. It's a heavy lunch, innit?

Yeah, but I had Sunday brunch the next day. Oh, I need to talk to you about Sunday brunch as well, but I've got to get on to my children. Fuck, I'll race through this. Don't race through it. Take your time, baby. So then at like half time, Rob. I've got a 24-hour play date to talk about as well. Half time.

I want a cup of tea. Yeah? Yeah. And obviously there's cups and there's milk, but there's no tea making facilities in the box. Right. Okay. What a lovely corporate environment and the hospitality they have at Millwall.

I say to Glenn, whose box is I say, is there a kettle? You want to make up a tea? Yeah. I'd say, aren't you a bit nervous about asking to try and make a cup of tea in a box with the lads? Well, by that point, yeah. You've built a bit of a rapport. Actually, I was one of the boys by that point. Cause I imagine then, do you know what? He's all right for one of them, by that point, yeah. You've built a bit of a rapport. Actually, I was one of the boys by that point.

Because I imagine then, do you know what? He's all right for one of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what the vibe will be. Yeah. And so he pointed at my wrist and he said, there's your kettle. All right.

And everyone laughed. Oh no, did I? I thought, I don't know what's going on here. Oh God. And I said, sorry. And he went, there's your kettle. And he pointed at my watch. I didn't know what's going on here. Oh God. And I said, sorry. And he went, there's your kettle. And he put it on my watch. I didn't know what was going on, Rob.

Half the listeners, my neighbor. No. Did you find out? After about five attempts, I was like, sorry. I just don't know what's going on. Sorry, there's a little Janna out of water here. Little fish out of Plymouth. I was wondering, do you know what it means?

Yes. Yeah. So kettle is sort of slang for your watch. Kettle and hob. Fob. I don't know what the actual rhyming was it, but I know kettle is your watch in sort of East End London. Yeah. So then everyone had a great laugh at you. Well, the game was going on at that point, I think, actually, was the start of the second half.

So there's only a few people. So that's what annoys me a little bit. I go, oh, yeah, funny, are you? You try all that on stage. You know, kettle, you know, pointy, you all kettle watch stuff. Yeah. It's good in the middle wall box. Yeah. Try stretching your legs. Maybe stoke new into. I had a great time. The box next door. They were playing house music during the fucking during the half time.

Really? Yeah. Right. Lads. So it was all right. You lost. So didn't you? And there was a pitch invasion. We lost. But there was a pitch invasion. Have I sent you the picture of the pitch invasion? No, you haven't sent me that. Why was I invading the pitch? Because it was the last day of the season.

Right, okay. So here's my first picture of the pitch invasion. I think we can put these on our Instagram. I'd say this is what a pitch invasion should be like. Oh, he's ringing me. Hello, I'm recording the podcast at the moment. You don't want to be on mic, do you? No. I was just asking, are you not on mic at the moment? How did Josh get on

with the Millwall lads? He was brilliant. He's definitely one of the lads now, I'm hearing. He's buzzed. He's out for mail. He said that he got a bit of stick about his watch from Glenn. The kettle thing. That was really funny. we've been told it we can I speak to you later mate. Cheers bud. Fucking one of the lads here we go. Have a look at that first pitch invasion video. That must feel good Josh. It feels great Rob. Okay. Oh, the little kids. The two women in them. Oh yeah.

They look like they're on a night out. It's a good match in fur coats walking across the pitch. There's so many children there. Oh, this is my favourite picture, which I feel is peak parenting. This was just in front of me. Look at this. Oh, a little family. Family posing on the pitch with their baby.

And someone looks like one of the stadium, like, groundskeepers clapping to get the attention of the baby. Yeah. Taking a photo during what can only be described as an illegal pitch invasion. An illegal pitch. I think it's fine. They stayed up. They were. I'm fully behind pitching bashes. You want to see more of that stuff in the game? Oh, absolutely. From the safety of a box?

From the safety of a box, yeah. That was a fun day. Oh, that's nice. Want visibly glowing skin in 14 days? With new Olay Indulgent Moisture Body Wash, you can lather and glow. The 24-hour moisturizingisturizing Body Wash is infused with Vitamin B3 Complex

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Try to about my Friday. And I'll tell you about my Saturday night. Okay, so Friday was I put my daughter up at four. I want to talk about this actually. So I had to pick up my one of my kids at four and then the other one come out at 4.30 and I was picking up her and her mate for a sleepover. Okay. At quarter four, Lou rings me.

No, I ring Lou and said, Lou, I'm just popping into Waitrose. I need to get a sandwich because I'll still have to be calories that day for some mad reason. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I've got an angry moz, I'll get it down with her if I've got it, use it. And this was quarter four. So I was a five minute drive away from the school. Yeah. Okay. So I was quickly going to get a sandwich drive to school and then I'd got to pick them up before four. Who's like, what? You're where?

What? What do you mean? They come out at four? They come out at four? I was like, yeah, I know. I'll just grab a sandwich. Then I'll drive there. Yeah, but it's quarter four. I was like, Lou, I'm fucking... When they don't burst into flames at four o'clock. Also, were you to arrive at three minutes past four, they wouldn't just let them free.

No. That will have happened before. But I got there at five to four anyway, so I was still early. But Lou arrives at school about half an hour to 45 minutes before they're out and just sits in the car. And then she goes, oh, bloody hell, he's like, by the time you dropped him off, you've got to pick him up again. Yeah. If you're going to sit out of school for 45 minutes, that is correct. So I picked him up and then we brought

him home and we had a sleepover. Yeah. Well, I got him out of school and then they were like, ice cream truck, ice cream truck. And I was like, all right, so I took him to McDonald's for dinner. So I took him with ice cream before McDonald's. I mean, that's not great. And I didn't have any. I sat there and watched. I didn't eat any because I was on my special diet. Of course. We're grabbing your sandwich. So one of the girls, the girl on the sleepover has got a lot of, she's allergic to nuts and then intolerant to like egg, wheat, garlic and something else. Right. So it's always a bit stressful when you've got kids sleeping over. They came back and played a bit and asleep over which is all good woke up normal time she's good as gold this girl really easy to look

after you didn't even know that she was there really. Yeah. And then next morning, Lou gets something doesn't breakfast, I'd lie into eight minutes past seven. She's lucky me Oh my god, here we go. It's so pathetic. Oh, thanks. Let me lie in Lou about eight minutes past seven. Yeah. If I woke up eight minutes past seven, before children I'd go, well, I don't know, I'm gonna survive all day. I'm gonna have to have some sort of nap in the afternoon. Anyway, I woke up and I was a bit groggy.

As I went down the stairs, Lou walked past me on the stairs, looked like she'd witnessed some sort of car accident with her phone out shaking. And she said to me, I've given her egg. She fed the child. Was she intolerant me, I've given her egg. Oh, no, she fed the child. Was she intolerant of egg or allergic to it? Not allergic, intolerant. Yeah. It was in some pancakes and stuff like that.

Also, she's eight. So I was like, she must know. What do you mean gave her eggs? Like she knows she's allergic to eggs. She wouldn't eat an egg. She went, no, I've did pancakes and they're all in there, but I used gluten free. And anyway, so she was like, I've got to ring the mum. Luckily, the mum was like, oh, it should be fine. Keep an eye on her. Mum was like, why've got to ring the mom, got to ring the mom. Luckily, the mom was like, oh, it should be fine. Keep an eye on her. Mom was like, why the fuck are you calling me at 20 past seven?

This is my one chance at a lie in. I know. I can't give a fuck if she's eating an egg. So she was fine. But then I picked the girls up at our four and then I took them football. They played football. Then I took them to the calf. I told Lou the wrong calf. We went. There's something wrong with me, Josh. Yeah. Before I used to think Lou was lying.

But now the girls are old enough to give evidence in an argument. Lou said to me on the car phone, where are you going to a CAF, right? She went, are you going to Petswood? And I went, yes. And then she was like, where are you? And I'm in the thing.

She went, I'm at the wrong one. And she went, I said to you, and I went, no, you didn't. That conversation didn't happen. But then our children went, yes, it did. Both sides. So one in her car, one in my car. I do not remember that conversation. There's something wrong.

And it must be infuriating for Lou. It's infuriating for me because I absolutely cannot remember that conversation happening. Do you? I've got this. How's that a narrative taken over the house that you're an idiot? Because that's basically what's happened in my house is that daddy's silly and gets things wrong. No, not as much. Not considering where my wife was poisoning children with food. I don't mean just then. I mean, generally in my house, it's considered that daddy loses his keys. He loses stuff. He gets things wrong. That's who I am. Not really. Not with the kids.

We've lose slightly is like, but no, I don't think we're pretty even on those little things. We're quite organized, actually, of time. I'd say and I don't want Lou to get annoyed with me, but I would remind Lou about appointments that are coming up more than she would me. Oh, so if they're in the diary or like, she'll go, oh, I'm going for a meeting on Tuesday. And I mean, you've got that thing booked at 12. Oh yeah. I need to cancel that.

So if anyone, it would be more so that's not narrative. But I literally, if something said to me, I've got to remember straightaway it goes, but my long-term memory is good. But so it's infuriating anyway, went to the CAF, had some lunch. Originally I was supposed to drop the play date girl home after the football. My daughter was like, Oh, they got split up into groups. She went, oh, can they come to lunch? Because we didn't play. All right.

So she comes to lunch. And then I was like, all right, I'll take you to the farm this afternoon to see the animals because you have a sister's at a party. Oh, can my friend come? I was like, yeah, okay. So then I've been on this fucking 24-hour hardcore. Wow, I bet the friend's parents were like, this is fucking great. We had a great time though. She's so easy.

You didn't even know she was there really. So easy, you start feeding her things she's allergic to. But she's fine, by the way. It was all good. Till she stole an egg at the farm from the chickens. Yeah, she vomited blood three times, but apart from that, she was absolutely no- Good as gold. Yeah, she went to sleep straight away, sort of passed out in some sort of catatonic. She was honestly absolutely fine.

And then we went around the farm a little bit, Big up Christmas tree farm, nice little farm in Kent. And then we went around there and then we saw a Highland cow, which is quite exciting. Oh, that's nice. And then I dropped her home and then my daughter was like, Can I go park? I'm like, this is me. It's just four o'clock now. Give me a fucking break.

That's what you wanted to say. Yeah, just give me a fucking break. Will you, bruv? I'm still trying to get up to 6000 calories. I need to have some more chicken. And then eventually I dropped to a mum's and then I took my daughter to the park for one final game in the park. Then we got home at 4 p.m.

So it was nearly a 24 hour playday. And by the end of it, Josh, I was like, I'm done. It was more my child than the other one. Yeah. Yeah. But that was a tough shift because normally you spread the playday between the parents, but it just fell on me that day. Oh, yeah. It was good fun.

Well I had play date chaos. Well not chaos. So after Millwall Rose had been our friends who's my daughter's best friend really from before school. They were having people around. So there's about four girls and like the parents like around their house in the afternoon. Yeah. Yeah. And my son. And then I get a text from Rose at the end of the game. Doesn't ask the score. Not interested. Doesn't say how does that mean the last day of the season is going to go? How's football? No, it's fine. It's fine. I'd send her the picture of the pitch invasion. She'd enjoyed that. Yeah. It's like she doesn't care if Plymouth survive in the championship. In a way, would it be better if they didn't, because then you wouldn't want to go to as

many games. Well, actually- It's more exciting to go to games in the championship. It's not more exciting going to games in the championship. Well, yeah, when you're shit, it's not- No, exactly. It's actually more fun in League One. Right.

Because you're good. And- You should start doing open mic gigs. Under that premise, You'll smash it. I felt that at my last warm up gig. I went I went to Millwall. I've kind of realized I spent my whole life going, this will be great when Plymouth are in the Premier League

on the top of the championship. Yeah. And actually you go, oh, the bit I enjoy is just going to the match. It doesn't really matter if we're in the conference or in the championship. I just like going to the match and enjoying it. And it makes no fucking difference really. I think if you go into the match, it doesn't. I think it's more exciting if you support a Premier League team because it's on the telly and it's part of the conversation.

Do you know what I mean? We're on telly and I'm not having conversations with those people anyway. No, but it feels like the North London Derby of Arsenal, Tottenham was like sort of big news and everyone was, you know, that sort of like all the big game kind of thing. But we're never gonna have that. No, you won't. But I quite like that, Rob.

It's like liking a band that no one else listens to. It makes me feel... The Janers are a cult group of people. Exactly, exactly. Did you meet up with the Janers and all the guys, Pie Face and all that? I met some Janers on that. No, I didn't meet up with the Janus.

Do you not text pie faces like two famous polymer fans? No, I never met pie face. It's good. He's very good content. Yeah, he is. He is. I like him. And he was in Big Brother.

You can talk to him about his experience in Big Brother. Yeah. So anyway, we get back. Yeah. Rose texts me on the way saying that our daughter wants to sleep over. Okay. She's never done a sleepover at someone's house successfully yet. She gets too nerfed out by it. Right. So as she tried, she's tried once

before. And then what time did you have to go and get her? This time. Oh, I mean, in the previous time? No, the previous times we didn't, we just wrote it off about when we left. This time, I dropped the stuff around and then she says, will you come back? Because it's just not far. It's like 10 minute drive. I think in a way, because it's not far, it makes it easier to go back, doesn't it? I know.

She's like, will you just come back, check on me before I go to bed? Fine. Yeah. If anything, it gets me out of the other bed time. So you quite like it if she calls? Well, no, no, no. So I'm going back about 9, half 9. They were watching the greatest show. So they called and you went back about half a month to get her?

I text and say, how's it going? And they said she wants you to come and kind of say good night to her. That's it. You either come home. You can't pop round in a sleepover to tuck her in. She was expecting me to come back. Right. Anyway, I end up out there and she just it's awful because she's paralyzed by

indecision. Yeah. She really, really wants to do the sleepover, but she just can't let me leave. When you take her home, it makes it feel like a bit, oh, I've failed. Yeah. The truth is, if you just stayed and bit the bullet, she'd love it and have a great time. You can't force them. But you can't, all other parents go, anyway, she's in tears because I'm leaving, but I've

said that she's just got to toughen up and deal with this. It's on you guys now. See you later. I used to cry for sleepovers all the time and want to go home. Yeah. But even when I was like 11, 12. Yeah, it's really tough. Only my oldest has got a sleepover. She's eight. She's been on loads and she loves it and she's fine. Yeah.

But my youngest hasn't been yet, but we'll see how she gets on. But she struggles with going to bed a bit more anyway. Yeah. And she always wakes up, my youngest. We've got the thing, which to be honest, I love of like, she likes to be held while we go to sleep, while she goes to sleep. So on a normal night for her to go off to sleep, are you holding her, like hugging her to get her off every night?

Yeah. Yeah, so she's missing that, isn't she? She's not. Totally. She's not getting to sleep on her own, even at her own house. So after about half an hour, I was like, I just got to make the executive decision to pull her out. Yeah. It's like Afghanistan.

We're never going to find peace. It's gone too far. It's gone too far. We're just going to get out. We made the mistake early doors anyway. So I pull her out and I'm like, it's fine. You did really well for how late you stayed, all these kind of things. And then we're in the car home. By this point, it's 10 o'clock. She's fucking knackered. Yeah, of course.

She says, I don't like telling my friends that when I go to sleep, you hug me because I think it's babyish. Hang on. And I'm like, oh my God, that is heartbreaking. I know, but it is true. I know. I did. She's only true. I know. I did. She's only young, she only fits. A part of me is going, I like it.

I don't want this to stop because I love it. Is it like a spoon in? It's like an arm over. An arm over, off the left. Cause it will get to the stage where that's not okay. No, I know, but I don't want that. I know you don't, I know. She's not okay. No, I know, but I don't want that. You know what you like? I know you don't.

I know. It's like 21, dad. Please, at some point, this is going to be gone. And it annoys me when I want to go downstairs and it's later and you haven't gone to sleep yet. But on the other hand, I really like it. And it's a peaceful 10 minutes of my day, which I really enjoy. So anyway, we'll see how that plays out.

So I think that is probably that more than it is the other person's house. It's fear of how am I going to get to sleep without that. Because that's how I get to sleep, yeah. So my youngest is a bit harder to get to sleep and stuff. I always want to stroke her arm for a little bit. We used to stroke her arm for like ages. Now we just have a little arm stroke. But almost like a kiss on the cheek kind of thing.

Yeah. We had to lie with her last night to get to sleep. But then it's so weird. Cause my eldest was the one we had to do cry out with because as a baby, nothing we did would get to sleep. In the end, we just did cry out and let her do it. And she sleeps anywhere in an instant on her own, super confident, never has a nightmare, super chilled. Yeah.

And whereas my youngest actually sort of went to sleep all right and we had to stroke her on a little bit. She's way, way less good at sleeping than the eldest. And that was the one that we had the most trouble with when there was a baby. Well, it's weird. The personality of a one-year-old doesn't carry through. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

So yeah, she's getting to that stage and I was all having a sleepover and she wants to do it. So maybe if you sort of practice not doing it and you could say, look, why don't we practice this for that? Well, she said to me the next day, she said, I think if you hadn't come back, I'd have been fine. Maybe if you wear clothes, dad, it might be better. Or at least at home go, well, I tell you, why don't we practice for sleepovers, where no one's gonna lay and hug you for sleepovers? Why don't we do that here? We'll be downstairs. you're not on your own,

but let's practice for your next sleepover because you do wanna do them. And then that might give her a bit of self-confidence if she's doing it at home and be like, oh, well done last night, you went to sleep without, I don't know what the rule on this is, but with our daughter, we were going, if you go to sleep on your own nicely

and not keep coming down, she'll like these little one pound bunnies you got from the supermarket. Yeah, yeah. Get you one of those. So it's sort of like, I know. I don't know if bribery is the right thing, but if it does get him into a bit of a habit.

Well, no, it's no different from the dummy fairy, is it? Yeah, it's just a comforting thing, isn't it? But as in, in terms of the dummy fairy, it's basically bribery. You can't have the Josh fairy. The sleep fairy. The sleep, the little fairy comes and takes Josh out the bed.

The next day, we went to our other friend's house. I mean, they literally disappeared upstairs together for four hours. But they had this thing where they were going to make wings. But we talked it through. And she saw the funny side that they weren't going to be able to fly by before we were going. Yeah. Yeah. She was like, imagine if we're the first two human beings that work out how to fly and you're like, okay, you get it. Yeah. But my son, I was like, I'll drop in. What we do normally when I drop around there is I'll have a cup of tea with the mum. Yeah. Because we're mates. So to aid the transition and then we'll go. Yeah. Also, I suppose to be polite, isn't it? Also, I like, yeah, yeah. But what I mean is for you. Well, roses away. She's not away. You

know, we pop it in. You what? Pop it into a little chat with your new mum friend, you pervert. I've got lots of mum friends. Oh, you top shagger. Absolutely rifling through the school gates. You animal. One of those dads. Oh, we've got sort of flexible hours. I'm here girls. Don't worry about me. One of the new dads. Pick up. Yeah, don't worry about me. One of the new dads at Pick Up, yeah? Don't worry about me. Whose dad's that shagged their way around the school gates?

Is it a myth or is it like, does it happen? I don't know. I've got no idea. Do email in. Has any dad shagged more than one mum at the school gates, excluding the one he's with. So they have to have more than one affair with... Yeah, another parent. Another parent. Or vice versa, any mums.

Any mums working their way around the school gates. Equal Ops. Anyone can have an affair these days. Exactly. Exactly. It's hard to do on your own. It's very hard. Yeah, that'll be great because it must happen if there's, you know, the myth. Yeah, I'd love to read about that.

If you can write it, like, it's saucy as well. I reckon that happens at, like, quite exclusive sort of private school ones where it's, like, in an area where it's, like, a lot of, like, powerful businessmen that sort of just prioritize work or whatever. But they wouldn't be at the school gates, would they? No, but then they might turn up to parent night out and all stuff like that. But then I think there might be like-

We're offering double points if they shag around the teachers as well. I feel like though there are people out there, Josh, that don't marry for love. There are people out there that don't marry for love. That just marry for other things. So when that's the case, all bets are off. All bets are off.

And a lot of people do, I think in couples and it's not public knowledge, just go, we obviously don't love each other anymore. You do what you want to do. I'll do it. And when they're at uni, we can fuck off. Yeah. Which is a, I don't think a great strategy, but it happens. It does happen. If you are in one of those relationships where you are going to fuck it off, let us know how it started and how it's going. And let us know how long you're going to give it off. Right in, right in. Let us know how it started and how it's going. And let us know how long you're going to give it so that it doesn't feel like you've just done that.

Mm. Are you going to let them do the full freshers year? Let them get bedded in. How long into uni and when they go, are you going to move to different rooms, et cetera? Do let us know. Yeah, yeah, that'd be great. We'll keep you anon.

We'll keep you anon. Absolutely. Imagine if your name was anonymous. I'll call my kid anonymous. Good night. Hammering away at radio shows and podcasts with content. It's anonymous guys live the life. Do you want to do your anecdote now Rob? I wouldn't call it an anecdote more of an update on being a dog owner. Oh, yeah. I saw your Instagram. Oh, moaning about the dog walk.

Oh, it's bleak. Hey, it's bleak. Yes. We had a little mini argument after that as well, me and Lou. You and the dog? No. Well, we were going around Lou's mum's. She was like, are we going around my mum's in the afternoon? It's her birthday. We're having like a lunch. I went, OK, well, what time are we going around? It's like midday.

I was like, oh, OK, that's quite, it's quite soon, isn't it? It's quite early to go around someone's house. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I was like, oh, okay, that's quite, it's quite soon, isn't it's quite early to go around someone's house. Do you mean? Yeah, I was like, Okay, no, I was walking the dogs and I would need to go to the gym as part of my new regime. So that you could have two courses the lunch. So I can eat all the leftovers of a whole cake. So I took the dogs for a walk and then come back quickly made myself something

to eat. And it was oh, you better get to the gym now because we've got been there at 12. And I was like, well, I'm a bit tired for time now with the dog walk. Like what time is it all starting? Like, so I could probably get for a half 12, one ish or something. She's like, well, everyone's getting there. I was like, okay, well, I'll be as quick as I can. And I did the dog walk, come back, made some money to eat, went upstairs,

I had to shit, I was coming down the stairs and I was like, you need to get going for the gym. I was like, Lou, I have not stopped. I'm in perpetual. I bought the dog. I've eaten breakfast. I've only just finished eating. I've shit it out. My ass is still probably slightly, yeah, slightly recovering. I wouldn't say it's fully shut up from the dog, I've eaten breakfast, I've only just finished eating, I've shit it out, my arse is still probably slightly, slightly recovering. I wouldn't say it's fully shut up from the shit actually, I've wiped and pulled my pants

up and I'm on the stairs and I'm going, I can't go any quicker like that. We had a bit of a barney about that, but then we sort of made up quite quickly. I was like, oh yeah. Anyway, the day before, Lou was out and my eldest was having a bath and I thought, I'll have a bath, right? And I've got to put the youngest dog in his crate because if you're not with him downstairs the whole time, he's still a one. He will just try and eat stuff.

You know what I mean? Oh yeah. So I've got to put him in his crate and normally with this stuff away, but I left the cupboard open and the dog had whipped out a whole bag of sugar. I'd eat a bag of sugar. Oh my God. Have you ever seen a whip it on cocaine? It was meant in the end, we just let him out

in the garden and he's running a circle for an hour. Oh my god. Just sort of passed out, just going in and flour. He ate flour and green tea. But then also in that cupboard was a box of treats. Yeah. How thick is this dog? Got sugar, flour, green tea and treats. Even just like the probability you'd think he'd grab the treats. So yeah, I was at a whip on a cocaine whip it basically for an hour on Saturday. That was nice little treat. Bit of fun. Bit of fun. Yeah. For the dog owners. Yeah. But I moan about

having a dog on on Instagram. Yeah, I enjoy it. Right. Josh here. Hi, Robin Josh, please can you give a small business shout out to my friend Holly's clothing boutique called Pink Pineapple Essex. She runs it along with her mum. It's a clothing boutique for ladies, size eight to 22. Since becoming a mum to three myself, I hate buying myself clothes after having

my babies, but her beautiful stylish clothes made me feel comfortable and confident again. They are based in Finchingfield. Finchingfield Essex and have a TikTok account and a Facebook Insta account where they go live every week to show off new stock before you buy it. That's good. Good idea. Their website is pink pineapple boutiques.co.uk. TikTok pink pineapple boutiques. Thank you. Love listening every week. Nicole from Essex.

Hi, Rob and Josh. I hope you're both well. And thank you for such a funny podcast. My boyfriend and I love listening on our long car journeys. I wonder if I could get a shout out for my online shop, Quinn's pins. Great name. Ella Quinn. This is all products designed by myself from an animal pins key rings stationary jewelry and more the perfect little gifts for friends or to treat yourself. I'm based in my home studio in Rochester, Kent.

I'd love to give listeners 20% off with the code parentinghell all in caps. My website is quinspins.com. My Instagram is at quinspinsuk. Thank you so much. Lots of love, Ella Quinn. Ella Quinn. Josh, I'll see you on Friday.

I will see you. Oh, they are good these Quinn's Pins. I really like them. Quinn's Pins. I'll see you on Friday for the guest we have booked. We've got quite a few in the bag, so I don't know which it is. That'll be a surprise for both of us. Loads of great guests coming up and really exciting, isn't it?

Oh, life's good. Which is not what this podcast is about, so we'll try and focus on the negatives. No, no, we're allowed to enjoy ourselves. Oh, this bit off the top, have you seen Gary Barlow take that live on TikTok? I don't know what's going on, John. No. What's happened? God was screaming on in the background. That's not our family.

Oh, is it? Where are they? The garden next door. That's not our family. A few gardens away, that. Fucking hell, a few gardens away. No, maybe it's next door. You sure they're not getting kidnapped? That was mental.

Zen cars don't normally pick up outside noise. Yeah, I don't know what happened there. We couldn't get Al Murray's impression because it was so good. Oh, that was so funny. That's one of our options of guests. We'll see whether that one's the one. See if Al Murray makes it

or if he's sat in a couple of weeks. Yeah. A little teaser for you though, for the people that stuck around today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. The old screaming child Al Murray titbit crew. See you on A to B. Join me, my son Gary, hello, Sarah the AI Bot, hello Harry, as we delve into the

childhood memories of a motley crew of comedians, celebrities and cultural icons. Is it on now, Daddy? Yes, Gary, it is.