Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP5: WORMS IN THE HOUSE!!

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond... with Rob and Josh. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parents in hell with ready all right elsie can you say rob be Elsie, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett.

And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Well done. Evie, you have a turn. Can you say Rob Beckett? Ah. Yeah? Josh Widdicombe?

Ah. Ah, lovely. Oh, cuddles. Well done. Good one, lovely. Oh, cuddles. Well done. Good one, that. The second one, I think she could be a BBC commissioner, the way she reacted to our names. Hello, this is my three year.

Oh, not sure about that. Not sure about Josh. We don't do much for the BBC, do we, Josh? Do I do much for the BBCbc do we josh do i do i do the radio you do right i just change it a lot of promo we gotta get the beep well no we got banned for the one show didn't we well i got you banned you got banned for the one show you got you got black mark i got banned from the one show and then they wouldn't let me and you on together and then they let me on on my own because of Radio 2 and you've still not been on, have you? No, but I am going on again. Well, apparently I'm

going on with Alison Hammond without you to promote Smart TV. Oh my god, I was going on with Alison Hammond without you. What the f... This is how it starts, isn't it? It's how the management get involved. Oh my word, they're playing us against each other. I'll be honest, Rob, I'll step back. You two can go on

the one show no no no do you know what actually i'm gonna take the high ground you can go on the one show be my guest do you know the best thing about the one show i know is when it finishes and you get in your car back and it's 7 30 and it feels fucking incredible. Hello. This is my three-year-old, 39-month-old daughter, Elsie, saying your names to the intro with a little bit of help at the end from one-year-old sister, Evie. Thank you for all of the laughs and advice every week. I'm a huge fan.

Me and my mum came to see you at Wembley last year and you were brilliant. A bit tragic, though, as I often tell other people things you've said like you're my friend. While Rob said it's better to do this well josh's advice is this keep it sexy and relatable emma tom elsie and evie from somewhere in kent graves end or it could be like ely if they went wembley it might be something like like northwest london kind of thing ely well you're not far off in between the two essex essex okay do you know what respect coming to wembley yeah that's a mission and also it's fine to say pretend that we're all friends because i'm like that with the podcast i listen to then my mates i love a podcast i'm not a big fan of like the heavily

like formatted podcast i'm going on the kathy burke one josh i've done i had to do a research chat yeah yeah i've done it me i've never done it i've i've done more work for that one episode of that podcast three years on it i know so many questions what about and i was like and it's a great podcast but i was like i just want to have a chat with kathy burke yeah well i don't care about my wake bit in use when you get there rob you just have a chat with Kathy Burke. Perfect. Anyway, I've got a new feature idea talking of heavily formatted, Rob. Right, okay.

I'm going to open my headphones live on the show. It won't be every week. I'd argue that's not a feature. That's you arriving to work late and doing your prep. I was here first. No, it's just like when someone gets substituted on in football and then they've still got their necklace on and rings and then it delays the sub and then there's a corner

and then the manager's going mental. But, yeah, you were here first, actually. I had to battle through broken trees. We're doing this after the storm, aren't we? Yeah. The storm, mate, I like living in the countryside. I think what I hate most is the animals. Yeah.

Or neighbours, whatever you call them. No, I'm joking. A bit of fun. A bit of fun. The wildlife, because they're scary. And wind. It's petrifying. We've still got it in the town.

No, you haven't, because you're blocked in. When you're in the country, it's not as... Like, where you live, there's other houses, isn't there? Like, there's a few near me, but there's fields and gardens and stuff and big trees. It's petrifying. Do you not get scared? Tree came down in our garden when I was growing up.

Massive tree came down in our garden during a storm, Rob. It's horrible. I hate winds. You're inside, though. No, yeah, but wind's the worst weather. I mean, honestly, I had to put noise cancelling headphones on and watch. That's just more storm. And I was watching.

Do you ever have, like, a weird youtube wormhole you go down uh depends how weird okay i've got i've got a couple at the moment are they related to like men fighting well yeah so mainly they're they're sort of like street fights you need you need to go to like a fight club thing rob you've got a therapist a very different end of the spectrum well because i've not i actually have done therapy but that's separate i don't want to open up a new can of worms ago i keep watching men fight online because i feel like that's going to cost me a fortune and it's not really impacting my life it's not like i'm out 3am waiting for it like i just it's a bit but maybe you need to be beaten up or something. I just think when I'm stressed, I watch that when I see two blokes

fighting in the street. It's probably something to do with my childhood. You did box in your living room. Yeah, I was forced to fight in the living room at Christmas. Anyway, that's not... But that's not related. It's nothing to do with that. I'm actually fine.

So don't tell me I'm not, okay okay but i sort of think when there's two men fighting each other in an industrial estate and i'm a bit scared about the wind okay it could be worse yeah i could be having a fight in an industrial estate exactly now i'm just hooked up with headphones on watching it where's lou when you're watching your men fight she doesn't know i do it so where are you upstairs so where's she downstairs well yeah i didn't need the second question did i yeah she's outside of the wind yeah so what you go to bed early and watch men fight not always just occasionally but i normally do it when i feel quite stressed which is weird isn't it man i love the wind at the the wind at the window

oh it's horrible it's haunted i said to rose that is my favorite put me in bed with the wind at the window. Oh, it's horrible. It's haunted. I said to Rose, that is my favourite. Put me in bed with the wind at the window. I'd stay there forever. I love it. Really? Do you? Oh, no. I just feel like it's going to break.

Talk about snug. I feel like the window's going to break. It's not, Rob. I know. It didn't. I bet you've got double glazing, haven't you? I've got double glazing, yeah. Yeah.

I'll be fine with it. It'll be all right. But I can hear it because we've got sliding doors. Sometimes it doesn't always fully align, so you can hear it whistling through. What if it gets through and catches it and the windows blow off? I think I watched Twister as a kid and that dumbed me. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I think I watched Twister too young. Do you know Victoria Park, don't you? There you go. There's a sign up. You know the big storm of 87? Are you aware of that? Yeah, to my mum's... Actually, I think we are doing therapy.

My mum said a massive tree fell down and it nearly hit my window when I was a kid. So maybe that scared me. Well, there you go. When I was one, it nearly hit the window of my house. Because it was massive. You probably won't remember the 87 store, but it was a huge deal. There's a sign in Victoria Park.

It knocked over 900 trees in Victoria Park. There can't be that many trees. I can't be true. That must be wrong. It can't be right. Someone, someone help us out here. How have they got space? They've still got loads of old trees.

All trees are old, aren't they? There's no like... Rob's started Googling. His grass has lit up. I know, I'm going... Oh, but yeah, no, I didn't like the storm, Josh. I didn't like the wind. It's my worst weather.

There's no benefit to... Like, too hot, at least it's hot. Do you know what I mean? Too hot is my worst weather. No, that's not. Being hot's nice. You don't want it too hot. No, too hot's the worst. Being hot's nice.

Being cold's quite cosy and snug, and there might be a bit of snow and ice, and that's fun. There's no benefit. Unless you like kites, there is no benefit to wind. Anyway, Josh. Shall I open my headphones? Yeah, so you've got proper headphones now that you can plug in. Well, they're seven quid.

Surely you can get better ones. Rob, you can't get the ones I like. Okay, so what is this feature then? On a podcast, no one can see. They can just hear you. I've got two sets in here, Rob. Okay. White and black. These are fucking shit are they so they're three pound 50 each really yeah 175 per headphone

right so you plug that in hello yeah so now you're back on your computer audio i've got it it's working is that can you hear me yeah can you hear me? Yeah. Can you hear me? Yeah, we can. So they can just stay plugged into your microphone all the time so that when you come to work, you can literally just put them in. Yeah. Yeah. What a world we live in.

This is going to be, we're just under four years doing this podcast. Stephen Bartlett spent 50 grand on a setup. Yeah, I know. It's taken you four years to spend seven quid on headphones

and you've got a spare. Right. So my question to you there is Yes, sure. Who's the better businessman? Because from what I can tell Stephen Bartlett has wasted 50 grand. How's your week been?

It's good to hear you in both ears. So you've just had me in one ear all this time? Yeah. Do you reckon I might be too much in stereo? Do I think? No, I don't think that is a problem. But you're laughing, eh? Of all the people I've worked with,

it's possible you would be the one that's too much in stereo. Jared Christmas is ringing me at 20 past nine. Shall I answer it? Do you want to hear it? Yeah, go on. Hang on one second. I'll tell him. Oh, hello.

Hello, Jared. You're on the podcast. I'm recording. How are you? I'm good. How are you, mate? Yeah, not too bad. I knew my timing would be perfect.

This is a good way to get on the pod. We need to get you back anyway, Jared. How's it going? Good, mate. I'd love to come back, of course. But, you know, I've had a few messages from people saying we don't want any more of your long-winded stories. No, we love your stories, Jared.

Is this a on-podcast chat or do you want me to ring you back later? Ring me back later. Have you got anything to promote while you're? Ring me back later. Have you got anything to promote while you're here? Oh, yeah. Go on. Go for it. I'm doing De Montfort Hall

in Leicester on the 23rd of February. Solo stand-up show. Oh, yes, please. Go on. I've got about, there's only 300 tickets left for me to sell it out

and I've never sold a venue that size. Well, that's, it's massive. That's a really good, that means you've sold a thousand already. It was a ballsy move, mate. out, and I've never sold a venue that size. Well, that's massive. That's a really good – that means you've sold 1,000 already. It was a ballsy move, mate. Yeah, because you've already sold 1,000, but you want to try and get it completely full. All right, go and see Jared in Leicester, the Monford Hall, 23rd of Feb.

Yeah, 23rd of Feb. It's my solo show, Silly Billy. Oh, go and see it. Jared's amazing. Jared, I'll call you later, mate. Cool. Cheers, mate. Cheers, bye.

Rob. Yeah. I've got a new feature idea. They're coming thick and fast. Go on. The new headphones is breathing new energy into your fucking head. Go on. If celebrities want to call us between 9 and 10 on a Monday,

they're more than welcome to promote anything they want. That's fun. That's great. If you're sat there, we can have some sort of last minute speakerphone celeb and they can quickly come and say hello and they can promote something. Nice to hear from Jared.

Go and see him, silly Billy. There you go. Lovely. Great feature, Josh. Great feature. Don't know how we get it to celebrities, but if there's any bookers listening or celebrities that want to call us, There you go. Lovely. That's a great feature, Josh. Great feature. Don't know how we get it to celebrities, but if there's any bookers listening or celebrities that want to call us,

you've got one on my number. Talking of celebrities' mums, Pauline Bunton. Does she? I like Pauline. Emma Bunton. They come and see us. They're both big fans of us. They've come and seen us live and stuff like that. Pauline and her husband?

Pauline and Emma. Oh, Pauline and Emma. They're best friends Best buns We're on fire today I'm not very well Rob By the way Alright

I need a new co-host No no no What's wrong with you It's just fucking nursery bugs, isn't it? Do you know what? You need to stop fucking those bugs, mate. That's your problem. Nursery or otherwise.

Oh, my God. We've had worms in the house. Oh, God. Is that you? No, my children. Right. But I have to take the stuff. Because have you had an itchy bum?

I haven't, but my daughter did. Are you worried about getting an itchy bum? Well, I've taken the stuff. Yeah, I am worried about it. I thought I had worms, but it works out that I just had a really itchy bum. You're a greedy little piglet. A greedy little piglet. No, it's just because basically I do exercise in the morning,

then I'd go and do jobs around the house and then have a shower later on. Oh, yeah. To go to a gig, but basically I just get a dirty bum. Dirty bum. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. I just made that up with a sweet dirty bum.

Oh, God. Oh, God. But I've been showering a lot more. And if you clean your bum, it don't itch. That's what I've learned. Yeah, well, here we go. It was that person that said, I tell you, we'll be passing that off.

Emma Ward, who emailed us, who said, my friend Rob said it, my friend Rob suggested rotting your ass. Yeah. So,

so those little sort of tips you can get on the show. So I've been, right, you've not been well. Sweating at night, asthma's gone. Again.

It's just, I've just, I reckon we're a year from clear do you know what i mean yeah it's also as well winter is like even though when they're at school josh you get it you're always before christmas we were all ill like for about three weeks getting other stuff but the good thing is when you've got kids you spread it to your mates without kids so when you're feeling better they'll get ill yeah exactly And then you can be like, oh, look, finally. Finally, you've had it. Sorry, the lid's fallen off my moisturiser.

Do you know what? Emma Bunton would be a great booking on this if she wants to come on. Pauline. Do us a favour. Or Emma, if you're listening. Pauline, tell your daughter. Pauline is the subject of a number one song, isn't she? Is she?

Mama. Which was about their mums. Yeah. And they held pictures about their mums. Yeah. And they held pictures of their mums. So there was a picture of Pauline in the video. Right. I didn't know that. I was going to Google again, but you've made me self-conscious.

Oh, sorry, Rob. No, no, no. To be fair, I shouldn't be doing it. No, no, no. It's useful. Let's be honest. There's a little guy like Joe Rogan has where he goes, Jamie, pull it up. But then.

Well, we have. We've got Michael. Yeah, but he's not listening. He presses record and then goes back to sleep. Oh, do you want to hear my other new feature idea? Yeah. Go on, mate. You're off.

You need to get your more often. I know. You need to get one more often. I thought of this earlier this week. Yeah. Each week, Michael tells us one thing he's done in his life that he definitely couldn't have done if he's got kids. So, like, what's he done this week?

It's like, what's he done this week that, as parents, we wouldn't have the chance to do? Oh, right. So it's a bit of homework for him now. I don't know if Michael... How do you feel about that, Michael? I think it was quite fun. I genuinely had a feature idea the other day.

Oh, here we fucking go. What's going on? New year, new me. Fucking calm down. I'm getting tired. Can we have a break? He's lost him. I thought it would be quite fun if I babysat your kids for an afternoon

and reported back. Oh, yeah. And then you report back. That is fun, isn't it? That is fun, yeah. Obviously, I'm fully police checked, so don't worry. I think it would be better looking after Joshosh's because i think mine would just if if they were allowed ipads you'd just be watching two kids on ipads for four hours

i think that'd be quite fun rob i think that is a great special michael babysits no no do you know what we should do is no what we should do is we should all meet at central london pizza express yeah drop the kids off to michael he's got... He does all four. All four. He has to have lunch of all four. And we should... Yeah, we can video it. We can video it from a distance.

Mike them all up. Yeah, I'm game. Yeah, that'll be funny. Right, I'll tell you what, we're absolutely flying the features now. Well, let's get back to basics how's your week been josh um so worms yeah worms yeah of course um so did you know this about worms rob come on because rose has got a friend like rose's best friend has got slightly older kids yeah so rose often goes to

her and goes what do you do in this situation? Blah, blah, blah. And she said, do you know how you check for worms? This is fucking horrible. So do you know how worms breed? No. They crawl out of the arse at night. This is why the arse gets itchy at night. And lay their eggs on like sheets and stuff. And then crawl back in the arse.

And then crawl back in the arse. And then crawl back in the arse. I don't know if they go back in. They must do. Disgusting. And so. Why do kids get it then? What? Why do kids get it then?

Why don't adults get worms? Adults do get worms, don't they? But I think kids, it's much more prevalent in kids. Right, okay. Because. I'm going to Google. Carry on. Yeah.

It lights you up. It's amazing. It's like, you know, that bit in Pulp Fiction when they open that suitcase. Threadworm is spread when children scratch their bottom causing the exolect under their fingernails. Fucking hell. I didn't think you could get that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Obviously, they're not washing their hands as much. Then they carry the worms back to their mouths with their hands. Oh, fucking hell. But aren't they just putting it back in themselves then? The eggs can survive up to two weeks outside the body. This is alien. Yeah, I haven't given you the worst bit, Rob. No.

So she said, if you're worried your child's got worms, let them go to sleep and then about an hour later go up and look and if the worms are crawling out their arse, you can see it. Oh, my God. I mean, that's just a pedo's alibi isn't it wandering around the streets checking for fred worms all right mate of course you are you dirty butt you've checked four times this week yeah if you find me in peter express looking Michael so did you see them no we just gave them

the medicine I just sort of feel like I'm going to give them the medicine anyway I don't need it confirmed by somebody because once you've seen them you can never unsee them

yeah exactly do you know what I mean the medicine's not going to harm if there isn't worms so you might as well give them the medicine and not creep upstairs, lift the sheet, spread the cheeks and have a butcher's with your iPhone and a flashlight. God.

Oh, dear. So you're all wormed up. Yeah. Anything else going down? I'm trying to breathe through my nose. As opposed to? Mouth. Sorry. I'm trying to breathe through my nose. As opposed to? Mouth. Sorry, so what is this a new thing you're doing?

I got recommended a book about breath, about breathing. Because I'm very, because everyone who has ever talked to me about my interminable boring neck and shoulder issues says because i breathe really tightly up here like like that all right rather than through your nose rather than relaxed breathing so i started reading a book about breath and it's really got in my head and it's i can't get it out so so how bad it is breathing through your mouth yeah that's it's really bad for your breathing for your mouth but now i mouth. But now I'm overthinking it

and I can't speak. This is what my wings have been like all I can think about at all points. And I'm listening to the audio book and I can't concentrate because I'm too busy working on my breathing.

I can't breathe or speak at the moment now. I'm just thinking. It's fucking awful. But breathe through your nose if you can, people. Yeah. Because we're meant to. It's interesting though. You're through your nose if you can, people. Yeah. Because we're meant to.

It's interesting, though. You're knocking my rhythm off, Josh. I can't take this. Sorry, go. So we were made to breathe, like, thousands of years ago. Yeah. If you're one of those people that believes in evolution. I'm trying to open it up to everyone.

Let's not lose any christians the far right in texas how are listening figures in texas michael have they have they held firm um anyway we've lost 200 pastors that used to listen um because we were it's like the shape of our heads um there's something about the shape i can't remember it now right okay this is like when i go on qi and i'm out my depth let's move on so i'm trying to breathe through my nose okay well done good good work sharing let me talk to you about sharing okay i quite like it all josh you're all over this is a fucking fuck this feels really loose feels like fucking jazz

so um you know my daughters um they're quite they're quite relationship heavy at school right the boys and the girls

there's there's always like this person's gonna marry this person and a lot of that yeah yeah and one of the dads

uh texted me yesterday and he said things I didn't expect to hear on a Sunday night. And his son, because you encourage your children to share, I'm going to change the names of every child in this. He said words I did not expect to hear on Sunday, part 322. Brian and I can share. Sorry, you can't use the name Brian.

Sorry, I panicked. I get what you're doing, but it's going to ruin it by using Brian. I know I can't. The thought of Brian as a child, I've done. All I'm doing now is thinking of the other names you're going to just pick out. I'm panicking. Okay, so Brian, go. No, I can't go Brian.

I just need the girl's name as well. Sam. Sam. Is that for the boy? And the girl? Jessica. Jessica. So this was the boy.

In my head, Brian's watching Sam and Jessica now. So Brian is the kid who's talking. We're still having Brian, okay. But we're not going to mention him because he's referred to as I in the text. Right, okay, cool. My daughter is Jessica. Yeah. and Brian's friend is Sam. Yeah. Yeah.

And bear in mind, Brian and my daughter had an on and off thing. Brian and another girl called, you know, Winona, they've been having a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Brian said to his dad, Sam and I can share Jessica. And you're trying to encourage your kids to share. But you've got...

In that context... Sharing is kind. Sharing is kind, exactly. It's good to share. Exactly. Don't be selfish. In some contexts, it doesn't sound ideal. but share yeah we can share her and how does jessica feel about that she doesn't know she doesn't know oh classic brian

sneaky little brian share yeah that yeah it's a difficult conversation isn't it about sharing yeah yeah they talk about smooch kissing and kissing kids like oh you're gonna smooch kiss to me and me and lou oh yeah like if we're going out on a date like so we're going out and the grandparents are looking after him like oh you're going out on a day a romantic dinner without the kids you're, are you going to smooch kiss? So they're just sort of like... So Lou went out Friday. And are you? Well, sometimes.

Oh. We smooch kiss. Across the table? No, I wouldn't say we... No, we wouldn't, like, like, snog across the table in a restaurant. No.

We wouldn't do that. So Lou went out for some drinks with some like mates right just around one of their houses left the house at 7 15 guess what time she came home at 4 a.m wow so i was in bed i was in bed and i normally try and stay up late stay up for her because i was like half 12 i thought it'd be half 12 one right and then uh because they're at someone's house it's not like kicking out like a pub or a restaurant and then i woke up at one and i was like are you okay she went yeah fine just having a laugh and chatting some drinks like that anyway and then my daughter coming she had like a nightmare so i went i'll just get him with me because i couldn't be bothered to yeah yeah you know sort that out and then um i woke up again at half two i text lou and are you okay she went yeah

fine i mean i'll just say no she's in my our bed so yeah you know just there's a kid just saying i've replaced you sharing i'm being shared yeah just there's a kid in the bed. Just saying I've replaced you. Sharing. I'm being shared. Yeah. Just saying. There's someone else in the bed. Not our kids, just a couple of kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she went, oh, okay.

She went, well, it looks like I'm sleeping in the bunk bed then. And then the next day was at a friend's round. And then it came down and said, I went, mummy. And she was holding Lou's bra. Why is your bra on my bedroom floor? So she crashed out in there and left a bra on the floor of the room. What time did she get up? Well, about, no, she was up, I'd say, the kids came in at six to wake us up.

So we gave them their iPads. She'd had two hours. Yeah. So, because we give the kids iPads weekend mornings. They don't have it during the week, but in the mornings, when they wake up at six, they have their iPads for a couple of hours and we sleep, right? Yeah. And that's what we do. I thought that was quite normal. I don't have it during the week, but in the mornings, when they wake up at sixes, they have their iPads for a couple of hours and we sleep, right? Yeah.

And that's what we do. I thought that was quite normal. I don't know if people do that, but that's what we do. I think that's totally acceptable. I was playing football once, one of the school dads went, oh, we finally convinced our kids to lie in

so we could have a lie in. What was that? It went, oh yeah, they didn't get up till eight. And I was like, oh, so what's they doing? Oh, they just played, but not wake us up till eight.

And I was like, mate, you give them an iPad Saturday and Sunday mornings, you get lying two days in a row. You need it to survive. Anyway, so we did that. And then, so I think Lou got up about half seven. Three and a half hours. Fucking hell, that's old school.

She was so hungover. How bad? She was just like, you know, and so I was like, not with it. Just like, every time she sat down, sort of like passed out out she was still rough the next day a little bit and oh man so we were supposed to be going to friends for dinner on the saturday night and also she was supposed to be taking our daughter to a trampoline party from five to seven p.m i said look i'll do trampoline party because you're hungover so i did. And then it was about four o'clock before I was going, getting my daughter ready.

I heard a cheer upstairs. I imagine like Plymouth being promoted cheer. Yeah. I was like, what's going on? And she was like, yes, yes, yes. And I was like, what's that? She went, Jess and Steve have cancelled. And I didn't even have to ask.

She's not well. She was like fist bumping. Because we wanted to go. We love seeing her, but she was in a bad way. Take away in bed at 9pm. Yeah, they cancelled. We ordered a takeaway pizza. Of course.

She was also still suggested it was just tiredness. I hate that. Me too. I'm just tired. I'm not also still suggested it was just tiredness. I hate that. Me too. I'm just tired. I'm not hungover. I'm just tired. So we ordered a pizza about seven, eight o'clock. Look, takeaway pizza, because she was hungover.

Anyway, she had one bite of it at quarter past nine and said, I feel sick. I'm going to bed. And I was like, I have never been so tired that pizza's made me sick. No. It's not tiredness. You're hungover. You've got to be excited.

And she says, Lou, on Sunday, went, I've just realised I have no business staying out after 4am. Fucking hell. And it was only 20 minutes away, the person's house. So it wasn't like she was up in town and it was an hour and a half home. That is fucking amazing. Do you know what? Respect it, actually. Respect that. That is incredible. in town and it was an hour and a half home that is fucking amazing do you know what respect it

actually yeah respect that that is incredible do you think you'll ever stay out till four again rob no because i do enough of that like driving back from north allerton yeah yeah yeah just the thought of that the services because it's so weird that because we were talking about to someone who um goes to cornwall and we were like when we were talking about to someone who goes to Cornwall, and we were like, when we go with the kids, we're going to just drive, set off at 6 p.m., get there at midnight, 1 a.m. Fine.

They can sleep. And they were like, oh, are you all right driving? You know, that's late to drive. And I thought, it just doesn't even touch the sides with me because I've spent so much of my life in a car between 10pm and 3am. It's a waste of a life, isn't it? It's so weird going into the services

and there's this kind of sadness around the whole building. You're just surrounded by people where, like, something awful's happened. Like, they've been burgled and they just need to go somewhere or they're like in a breakup or they can't go home they don't feel safe or they're doing a terrible new job or whatever and i'm like this is just like when you're on tour like five nights a week here yeah i used to do that for no money as well yeah for about three years or four years, we'd do that.

And it's, yeah, that late night service. Even the truckers have gone to bed. Even they're tucked up in bed. Oh, my God. What a life. What a life. I quite like trucking. I play to Lou.

Do you know what? I'm going to say it. Go on. That is an incredible performance by lou to do till 4 a.m well my well i you know i respect i respect it to be honest um but i i was at night and now we've had kids and we got up earlier i used to be a right finish gig at 10 straight in the car let's get home two three in the morning but now i'm a let's get my head down and i just get up at five and then i'm home by like 9 a.m what are you staying a hotel i'm

staying a hotel or drive for a couple of hours get a couple of hours sleep and then get up and go again because you get back at three four you can't go to sleep then you sort of end up yeah you know my problem rob when i've got to get up early i find it too much pressure so if i was like i'm gonna you just be back to the hotel i'll be thinking fuck i've got to get up at 5am i could be i could be driving home now why am i not driving home now yeah yeah okay fair well look we're different people josh more more great advice from rob and josh more great advice i was like this is i'm trying to get our kids to eat more food right josh yeah don't eat much so we're doing them like ready meal cottage pie we've been buying a few ready meals like the

it marks the expenses the kids ones like cottage time like cottage giving you some kickbacks no he hasn't actually i should go shopping with him trying to get a discount i start every time i go with mark suspense they go oh have you got a discount i think i've said this before no i haven't oh tom allen and fred syriac's have i thought oh fuck them because i haven't anyway so um but i'll so we had a cottage pie and it was going out of date and they had dinner they had their normal dinner and i and i said look here's the cottage pie have a taste of it it's going out of date anyway like have a spoonful of it and whatever you don't eat i'll have anyway so i spooned on the side of their plate like a bit of cottage pie like that

and i went just try a bit and they both started crying i'll say it's just mashed potato and a bit like yeah i mean you have bolognese yeah beef just less tomato in it and you have mash it's not i'm not feeding his home mentally it's do you know what rob it's i think it's all power infuriate well it's so weird because my daughter's like that but my son will eat whatever you put in front of him right it's like you're right it's like you'd eat these things individually, but if, if it's touched an avocado,

you can't eat the pepper, but you would eat the pepper normally. Yeah, so my daughter loves avocado, and like avocado on toast, or avocado just cut up, right? Yeah.

We'll eat that. Um, and she loves rice, and like the little, she loves the little sushi wrap, you know, like the little ones with cucumber in, or the little ones with,

she'll eat the ones with cucumber in, but won't eat the ones with avocado in, but she you know like the little ones with cucumber in or the little ones she'll eat the ones with cucumber in but won't eat the ones with avocado in but she'll poke out the avocado and eat that separately but then eat the rice

and I just like and the thing is it's not like they've been sheltered or I don't eat I eat all sorts in front of them I always go do you want to try a bit

and it's not like I force it on them they've just got no interest it's really interesting because the worst thing you can do i think another one of our tips um is like try and force them or make it an emotional situation or anything because it's just going to create bad vibes around food i also think as well if they are eating enough healthy stuff maybe they haven't got a massive broad palette of what exactly if you are

eating enough carb protein and veg sure it's always broccoli yeah yeah exactly you're like you're having always red pepper and it's always broccoli is their thing or it's always chicken or it's always like whatever at least they have it like i i don't i feel like with like the childhood obesity thing going it's like if they're getting enough you don't have to force them for more no i mean no exactly there's a period when um david bowie when he was uh he survived purely on milk red peppers and cocaine my daughter's not far off that like she's just milk and red pepper she's there but but she's eating you are right she's eating vegetables she's just not eating an array of them it's difficult when you go it's difficult when you go out that's when it's difficult but also as well it's like we are taking them to those places

i know it's like i don't really like what don't what i eat anything what don't i hate liver right i hate liver yeah imagine if it was like i was a child and my parents took me somewhere that just like specialized in liver exactly no totally i've invented a mental restaurant absolutely terrible probably did quite well in east london what liver and bacon that's all we do liver and bacon and the smell of liver still does my head in um yeah but yes i totally agree rob totally crying because they burst into tears as well when we weren't going out on Saturday because our friends weren't well and they cancelled the plans. Yeah. They were very excited about it.

The nan and grandad come, or nana and amps, whatever they call them, nana and amps, were coming around to look after them. So they went, oh, what time is nana and amps getting here? And he was like, oh, they're not coming now because Jesse isn't very well so we're not going there now. They both burst into tears and said, but we don't want you we want them and we have to try and like facetime them um i've got a story of stage fright rob oh go on what we in stage fright yeah yeah you know

my stage fright issues yeah have you not i thought sorted that out, didn't you? No. So you're still too scared to wee when there's someone near you in the toilets? Yeah. When you go to the gym, do you get your knob out or do you face the wall? I don't mind that. I'm totally fine getting my knob out because it's not like my knob then has to work. Could we call that the episode title? Could we call that the episode title?

So you don't mind your knob out if it's off-duty? It's not a problem with people seeing my knob. Can you get an erection in public? Big time, mate. That's not a problem. So it's just weeing. Yeah. Right, so if you don't mind a naked penis in a gym... No, no, no, none no no no that's not the problem

right okay it's the thought in my head of wouldn't it be awful if i don't piss now yes right and then it doesn't yeah right the moment you thought that is game over okay i'm gonna try and think that and see if it stops me okay yeah so um i was doing always be comedy yeah back on back on the horse i've done four gigs now you join it we're doing one together Okay. Yeah. So I was doing Always Be Comedy. Yeah. Back on the horse. I've done four gigs now. You enjoying it? We're doing one together on Wednesday.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. I did the first three. I thought, I fucking nailed stand-up. Do you know what? The break I had. I've come back so much better. The fourth one was the biggest lesson I've ever had. And the fourth one was probably the most necessary of all the gigs.

Yeah. That, I would say, brought me up short. Okay. What happened then? Just didn't, it just, nothing really flew? It just didn't fly. I made a mistake early doors, Rob. I'm still learning.

What's the mistake? I said I wish I was at home watching The Traitors. Don't remind them that there's a better option. No, I know. You can't. That is your first mistake. I thought we'd all have a laugh about it. And actually it came across as too truthful when I said it.

Yeah, because I think you meant it. I did. So then they're all automatically going, oh yeah, that would be better, wouldn't it? It's a shame that he doesn't want to be here, isn't it? Yeah, he's fucking doing this because he doesn't want to do it fucking idiot yeah fucking i've just got babysitting for this like i'm shuffling out all the way to this gig and i've got this little fella saying he don't want to be here i don't want to be here either actually yeah

so there was that atmosphere going on lovely that's why it was fun it was fine it was fine but it wasn't as good as the last ones. Anyway, beforehand, I went to the toilet. It's a two-man urinal with one cubicle. Right, okay. So I thought, there's no one in here. I can probably do urinal. Big mistake.

Yeah. Get my knob out. Instant ado, someone walks in. Right. Big guy, little guy? Medium guy. Medium guy. But I think, I'm just going to pretend I finished. Right. Big guy, little guy? Medium guy. Medium guy. But I think I'm just going to pretend I've finished.

Yeah. Rather than stand here. I still do think it's barbaric. In 2023, you just have to stand with your cock out, facing a wall with some strangers. I don't like sitting next to someone on the train. Never mind that close with your cock out. It's so weird.

And I'm pretty loose. You know, I'm a loose guy. Yeah. I don't like pissing your arnals. Never have. Always go cubicle if it's available. Why I didn't, I don't know. So I'm like, I'm not going to manage it now.

I'm just going to pretend I'm finishing as he walked in and leave, and I'll just come back. I need to get a drink, and then I'll come back. Yeah. Oh, no. Okay. Do you wash your hands then? Yeah, yeah. You've got to play out the scenario

yeah even though there's been no piss I've still touched it though haven't I yeah but your knob's not dirty is it Rob remember your arse well your knob's not been in my arse has it we do this on Zoom Rob remember your arse remember your arse man that's your New Year's resolution remember your ass remember your ass man

my new year's resolution remember your ass boy um so i uh then went to the bar yep i got myself a pint of sparkling water yep thought went back to the toilet yeah the guy was still in there washing his hands as i walked in we both looked at each other and we both knew what what happened rob oh did he say did he say anything no i just so now if anyone sees you in a urinal would it help if they looked at you and went do you need some help no it't. Do you want me to distract you so you piss? So what you're saying is if you see Josh as a loyal listener, you just look at him and just say, do you need a hand?

Anyway. Yeah. Anyway. So, yeah, we both looked at each other. It was just incredibly awkward, Rob, because he'd seen me finish pissing, wash my hands, leave, go and get a drink, and walk back in 30 seconds later as he's washing his hands. And then could you go?

No. You just stood there again. I went into the cubicle. And then could you go in the cubicle? Yeah, but he had to leave. By this point my mind had gone. Your head's gone. My head's gone. So you still had to wait for By this point, my mind had gone. Your head's gone. My head's gone. So you still had to wait for that door to shut before you could.

Yeah. See, I only have that if I'm doing a number two, and I know it's going to be a big one. I wait to do the big push. Do you? When it's empty. Do you? Or sometimes I'll flush and shit.

Will you? Almost to take it all down in one big go. Occasionally, Rob. This is what we're're talking about i've been known to put music on what on your headphones or just on my phone to just drown it out a bit i do the tap hot if i'm doing a poo at someone's house i'd put the tap on do you i've got the tap i don't do a poo at someone's house i just don't think it's on you just gotta hold it in nah i just don't think it's on. You just got to hold it in. Nah. I just don't think it's on. You're all stuffed up and you can't breathe through your nose.

I've got a friend and their house, they've got a toilet. So the stairs go down into the kitchen. It's a basement level kitchen. Yeah. And under the stairs is the toilet. But it's probably as far away from the table as... Like, imagine there was a toilet in the room with just a small door. That's basically what it is. Okay, yeah.

And you go to the toilet. No, I didn't have a toilet. But you go to the toilet and you can hear. You're basically still at the table. Yes, I have a little hatch so you can keep the conversation going all right i thought they're very different having a little hatch in the toilet rock um josh um i don't know if you've got anything else from your week but there's a couple of really good boomer stories i wanted to do if you want them yeah go on okay these are these are great so

listen to this right this one's from steve in stamford in lincolnshire yeah hello robin josh are you sexy and relatable beasts thought i'd write in about a quite frankly horrific and harrowing experience my father put me through at approximately seven years old and throughout my childhood to be honest whenever my dad had one of his horrendous and unforgettable farts brewing and ready to go he would sit on my chest hold both of my tiny seven-year-old arms down with one hand and cover my mouth with the other i had no choice to inhale through the nostrils only maybe he could get rose to do that for you and then you'll breathe properly without the flatulence anyway because this dad proceeded to create what can only be described

as otherworldly and rotten farts beyond anything I've smelt before or since. He would then piss himself laughing and repeat the process whenever he could. I'm not sure if you can describe this as boomer parenting or just sick, but I did tell my daughter about how I used to do this and how traumatizing it was. Now, whenever I fart near my daughter and try to have a more lighthearted approach to her smelling my produce, she proceeds to shout don't be your dad don't be your dad oh wow fair play to the daughter kid to shout yeah this always reminds me of potential dangers of the abused becoming the abuser and I'm sure not to go as far as my old man did. Love the podcast. That's Stevie from Stanford. Yeah, that is awful. I once farted in my daughter's face and thought it was funny,

but it was awful and I regretted it and had to apologise immediately. But I didn't hold her down. I was sort of just walking past and it was so bad. You know, you're just having a moment of madness. And it kicked off. And then when she ran and told Lou, Lou was like, what did you do, Rob? I was like, you have to say it out loud.

I was like, oh, no. Oh, no. Obviously, this don't look good in an email, does it? And then they still bring it up now. It's awful. I feel bad. Sorry, girls. Oh, God.

In about 20 years. Now, this one is quite traumatizing, this, Josh. Go on. This one's hardcore, okay? So, yeah. Trigger warning. It's about death, okay? Oh, no.

But it's still quite funny. Okay, 1920s boomer. Did you hear that, Josh? Fucking hell, we've got some old listeners. 1920s. Listen to this. Hi, guys. Love the podcast.

I'm a listener from the united states formerly new york recently moved to maryland i have a boomer story for you the apostrophes are because technically it's not from a boomer but about three generations before that this is proper old school parenting my grandmother's boyfriend told me this story elmer was 103 years old when he told me this so it would have happened in 1920 or so he was about five years old when his father who was a railway worker was sadly hit by a train and died the following day his uncle took him and his brother down to the tracks to where it happened to look for any of his father's belongings that might have been left.

Oh, my fucking God. Insane decision. Yeah. They did find something. They found his hand. Oh, my God. Fucking Nora. I'm not surprised this memory survived.

I'm sure it haunted him and his brother for years Oh my god Keep up the good work, stay sexier at late Please tell the US, either together or individually I'm not picky Kristen Cox from Frederick, Maryland That is awful Incredible I do think sometimes with these boomer stories

We sort of moan and slag off a little bit. Oh, it was mad what it was like. But like each generation improves. So like what boomers were doing was 10 times better than what was happening before then. So you've got to give it all a pinch of salt. And, you know, these stories are a bit of fun. And, you know, parenting changes, Josh.

There will be people playing this whole podcast back as examples of terrible parenting and about exactly exactly well you just farted in your face right um small business shout outs small business shout outs sbs here we go right sbso hi rob and josh please would you give a small business shout out for my brother-in-law, Roberto, who bakes and sells sourdough bread from his North London home. He sells from various markets, including High Barnet, Tufnell Park, and Little Haddam. He has a growing customer base, and his bread is fantastic. My two-year-old son, Charlie, always insists his toast is made from Uncle Rob's bread.

Marley always insists his toast is made from Uncle Rob's bread. Roberto's business is called Mollica Bakes, M-O-L-L-I-C-A, Mollica Bakes. You can find him on Instagram, Mollica underscore Bakes, and his website, MollicaBakes.co.uk. Please check him out if you're a sourdough fan. Thank you for the podcast. My husband and I never miss an episode. Hi, mate. Or hi Robin George Love your podcast

I usually listen on the way to collect my kids from school As it helps me remember That we're all in this mad mess together Would love to get a small business shout out For my husband's new venture if possible Rich Casement Oh sorry That's his name

Rich Casement I Oh, sorry. That's his name. Rich Casement. I thought that was the name. Remember, breathe through your nose and don't panic. Rich Casement is my super hardworking husband. And has recently launched his alcohol-free beer called Clean Break. It could be called Rich Casement, though, couldn't it? An alcohol-free beer.

Rich Casement, yeah. Yeah. I don't think it's a great name. No, it's not brilliant. You could call something anything, couldn't you? Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. You could call it Don't Wash Your Arse, Get an Itchy Arse Brewing Co. Oh, people could do that as well. Not that I can see that.

Being a can of fucking beer and Do you know what I've noticed? I've had four phone calls from different people. People are doing dry January, and they're way too fucking on it Monday mornings for my liking. No one's hung over. No one's had a big one of the weekend. No one's hung over.

Sorry. Anyway, like you say, non-alcoholic drink. Team break, it's called, which makes much more sense than rich casement yeah of course it's been one year of trading and it's been recognized as a great pale ale it won silver in the low stroke no category at the iwsc awards um okay but being a super small business did you host that one rob feels like something you know but i'm hosting one coming up and the previous hosts have been lee hearst jim davidson and les dennis i'm gonna have to rewrite my jokes what does that tell you about your act rob it tells me either um they're gonna be very disappointed or i've gone bad so if i do have a good gig yeah i sort of feel like maybe i

need to have a little look at my notes and go sure you're not a big fan of you lesby you don't need to go down this road being a small super small business with crazy tight budgets spreading brand awareness is a real slow burn. We'd be eternally grateful if you could mention us on your podcast and we'll send you a case of beers each too. We don't need the case of beers. We'll do it for free. We don't want to get the kickbacks.

His AF beer is called Clean Break Progression Pale Ale and the website is www.cleanbreakbrewing.com. You can follow them on Insta at cleanbreakbrewing. Thanks a mil, guys. Bridget Casement. Bridget Casement. Oh, that's the name. Rich and Bridge.

Thanks, guys. We'll see you on Friday. We've got Miles Jupp. Back for the second time, but this time the sound will be good enough for us to put it out. Yeah, he was our first ever interview, but we never put it out, so we're going to apologise for that to him. But if anything, it's what helped him because

more people listen now. So we better sell tickets to his tour. Yeah. See you then. Bye. Do you ever feel like topical comedy only ever tends to come from one angle? Well, I'm Geoff Norcott, host of What Most People Think. And my show jokes about all sides. Jokes about Tories. Jokes about Labour. Jokes about everyone. If there's any Lib Dems listening, there isn't. or got host of what most people think and my show jokes about all sides jokes about tories jokes

about labor jokes about everyone if there's any lib dems listening there isn't returning guests from across the political spectrum including romesh ranganathan simon evans katherine ryan constantine kissing david baddiel andrew doyle al murray and more sometimes we'll make good points sometimes we'll make cheap jokes but whatever we do we'll be trying our best to get to the heart of what most people think. What is Oh My Dog with Jack D and Sean Walsh? This is what happens when two thick people make a podcast. Come together and talk about the moronic things they've done.

What about dogs? What, so Jack and Sean, do they talk about dogs? No, sometimes they just talk about their illnesses. Who should listen? You don't have to be mad to listen to this. Yes, you do. When you consider how many quality podcasts there are out

there, you've got to be off your nut to think, oh, I'll listen to this instead. Seriously, though, what is it? What is Oh My Dog? Well, they, you know, they get a guest on and they talk about dogs. I mean, sometimes there's not a guest. Because they don't turn up. Sometimes one of the presenters is late because he gets locked out of his house.

I don't really know what it is, actually. Yeah, it's just a shambles. Any final thoughts? With just two gentlemen running a podcast. Maybe it's called Oh My Dog because it's what a podcast would be like if it was managed by dogs. Oh My Dog with Jack D and Sean Walsh.

New episode every Monday.