Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP59: Dr. Josh Widdicombe has a breakdown

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Right, yep, so to set the scene before we start the show, or should we start the show, Josh is yawning.

Um, that's a- When's it early in the morning, Rob? It's nine a.m. You wanted to start at half 8 you sick fuck. I know, I would have started at half 8. I'd have been more alert. I've gone over the top. Right, okay you've gone too low. Basically I'm in a voiceover booth in London

because I'm doing Celebs Go Dating voiceover after and I'd say I've got a little light, the sound's absolutely crisp as fuck, where Josh's audio's a bit off because your way- My audio might not be a bit off, we don't know until I deliver it to Michael via email. I've got a sneaking suspicion that you on your AirPods recording into your phone in just the back room of your house. No, no, no,

I'm not recording into my phone, I'm recording into my mic that's plugged into my phone. Okay, I stand corrected. However, what I would suggest, my walls have got carpet on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I am in, I'm just saying there might be a disparity for the listener, Josh. Fair enough. But you forgot your laptop, is that correct? I brought my iPad because I forgot that you can't record ZenCaster on a...

I forgot that it's different. Despite the amount of times we've dealt with middle-aged celebrities who've only got an iPad and haven't got a laptop, and how difficult is that for them? I would say this is the oldest you've ever looked. I would say- Just from background, not you in yourself, but like-

Have you seen my neck, Rob? I can see half of your neck, but there's a microphone in the way. Cause you've got it angled up your nose cause it's on the iPad slant like a nan on holiday. I know, I fucking hate the iPad slant. Let me just do this. What's going on with your neck?

Good or bad neck? Oh no, I've burnt my neck badly. Oh God, how? Sunburn. Oh, right. How? Sunburn. Oh right. When? You're in the UK. What was this one? I know. That's what I saw. Josh that's so bad. Oh my God. You look like you've been strangled. Where was you? Just on the beach. It wasn't even hot Rob. I looked at the old UV mate. It was the wind disguised the heat. Oh, do you know what? I have been windburned before, not disguised in heat.

Yeah, I've been windburned before and I wondered whether it was that, but then I thought, is windburn a thing or is it just a thing my parents used to say? No, windburn's a thing, mate. Me and Lou, you know when it was some sort of diamond jubilee, me and Lou won tickets, free tickets to sit at Buckingham Palace to basically see a carriage go by. It was absolute bullshit. So boring. It was that stage of the relationship where you sort of agree to do things because you want to you want you want to keep enjoying them. But yeah, no, no, no, I'm not suggesting that. Yeah, I'm not

suggesting that I don't want to keep you at the moment on vice versa. I'm just saying, but you will start a relationship. You don't want to keep her enough to watch the king go down the fucking mall in a carriage. No. And I would say now, I'd be confident enough in the relationship to say, Lou, I've got wind burn, can I go home? Yeah, yeah.

Not let's sit here for another two hours. But yeah, I'd wind burn, it's horrible. But you've got a burnt neck, Josh. Yeah. I've had such, Rob, I've got so much to say, because we haven't spoken about two weeks. My life's been all over the fucking shop. My life has been a content farm for this podcast. I.e. shit. Right, okay. Well, so I've been away in Greece, so I've got sort of holiday stuff,

and then I went to Berlin for the Euros final with Lloyd. That's what I've sort of been up to. So I've got lots to chat about. However, I'm happy to keep, I don't think we're gonna do an intro for this one, are we? Well, we can do one. Should we do the intro then go into what's been going on with you?

Yeah, I think the thing is, I'd feel weird if we didn't. Yeah, and you are, so you're away at the moment, so you haven't got your iPad and I'm gonna have to play in the intro for you, but you know what, probably needs to. No, I haven't got my iPad, that's one of the few things I have got.

I haven't got my- Oh, so oh yeah you haven't got your laptop plugged into the right okay no worries do I'm gonna do the Sean one actually because because Josh is recording into his phone yeah can you swap roles just because just picks up his phone and then yeah okay so I'm gonna do the intro to the intro play the the voice now and then read the email well just can do the Yeah If you feel that would be too confronting for you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no else would. I think within 15 minutes you'd look at your card and say, I don't care. Do you know what?

I'd really care for the first five minutes. I'd convince myself I'd care. Oh, it's on the BBC. It's a big legendary show. And then I'd be doing it and go, do you know what? I don't care. Yeah. I don't care. Yeah.

I don't care about transit. I've got a list of people on my card, MPs I've never heard of. Yeah, and they're all new now. I've got to learn new ones because all the other ones are gone. I don't care about the funding for British Transport and you... Actually, I do care about that. Oh yeah, that's a bad example.

But then if you care too much about what I've organized going on for you, it's not funny, is it? So you need that middle ground of caring a bit but not... Yeah, and then I've got Ian Hislop, who I respect. I've got Paul Merton, who hasn't spoken yet. And then I've got some journalist from The Telegraph I've never fucking heard of and a comedian from Radio 4. And I'm Rob Beckett! Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Hold on. Sean, can you say Rob Beckett? Hello you're listening to Parent in Hell with... Hold on. Sean, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett!

And can you say Josh Whitaker? Sean Sikilowsky! Thank you very good! Well that's a good start for the Americans. Well I'll actually guess where it's from. Oh you've given it away now. Yeah here we go. Giving it away. Swap roles. Riff away. California. There was a West Coast twang.

Oh, no, it's New York City. Couldn't be further. I couldn't have been further in America. From where it was. We both knew it was America, I couldn't have got it more wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's hard isn't it that? You know what, I should stop having a go, you're forgetting I'm wrong. Do you know what, I actually think this is bringing us together. No. These role reversals. Well no, because I didn't even get to do your role. Okay, did you do it? Oh right, yeah, you didn't did you? I basically just basically, yeah, I moaned about doing too much you offered to do it And then I just said no and then did it all yeah, yeah, it's like my relationship That's how I husband that's exactly what I do with Rose every day

I suppose I'll stack the dishwasher I'll be the Martin you go to bed and I'll stand down here and wipe down the sides and I'll resent you for it. Yeah. I'll get up and make the tea, don't worry about that. Yeah. I'll go and get you a little coffee. Actually, I quite like going to get my coffee, Josh.

No, no, no, no, Rose, you stay there. I want to go out, Josh. No, no. Okay, this is from Jen Grunwald, but they've gone umlaut over the U. Grunwald, I don't know how you pronounce an umlaut, do you know? I don't really know what an umlaut does. Well it changes the pronunciation of that. I don't know in what direction. In what way? Right, of course.

Hi Rob, Josh and Michael. I'm hoping my location gives me a leg up on getting chosen. This is my nephew Sean, who's just turned three, having a shot at your names, as always, Josh's is a bit difficult. I've been listening from the beginning, since before he was born, then waiting patiently for him to start talking so I could try this.

I'm far from your base audience as a single childless American, but I absolutely love listening to you guys. Oh, it's hilarious and entertaining. Thanks so much for being awesome and sexy and relatable. Thanks, Jen. It's nice, isn't it? Yeah, a lot of, I know we do say this,

but people do come up to me and say, I listen to your podcast. I get this at least once a week, is someone kind of saying, I shouldn't listen to your podcast because I haven't got kids. But I do listen to your podcast. And I think it's fine.

I'm not, you know. I think it's fine. I'm not, you know. But I think it's the way you say that though. I haven't got kids, but I listen to your podcast and love it, that's fine. But if you go, I love your podcast and I haven the difference there. Should we talk about the Euros final today? I'm really excited about talking to you because we've both got stories about Euros final, but then I've also sent you some voice memos Oh, yeah, you sent me voice memos ages ago Why don't we start with you going to the Euros final because I think we should start with this because the Daily Mail Rob

Well, yeah, that's the key thing to discuss isn't it? Wrote a story saying that you deserted. Abandoned? Abandoned, abandoned your family on holiday to go to the Euros final. Were they set, well basically, I've put it online of going to the final. Some would say if you abandoned your family you wouldn't Instagram about it,

but that would just be me. Well yeah, I mean yeah, some just be me. Well, yeah. I mean, yeah, some would say that. Yeah, Rob Beckett abandons his family holiday in Greece and then put up some photos. Basically, I went to the Euros final. We lost. Spoiler alert, if you just start in the box set of Euro 2024. But I am...

It's not a good one. It's not worth it. It's a real grind. Certainly the England games. But I am... No, so I did. Yeah, I went there for 23 hours, but they said I abandoned my family. But basically, if you, there's nothing really to talk about.

Everything I did you saw on my Instagram, you can go back and have a look at it. But I, the Daily Mail comments about me going to the football and abandoning my family are absolutely hilarious. Are they? There's just some absolutely, going to the football and abandon my family are absolutely hilarious. There's just some absolutely, like some funny ones as well where people go,

oh, my husband's just abandoned me and the children to go to the garage to get the papers and some milk. I can't people saying the word abandoned is a bit dramatic, but then it basically, here we go, really issues me off with these so-called stars get tickets to big games. And by the way, he's no star. I was like, well, what am I then?

So what am I just a normal guy that's got a ticket to the game? Which goes back on, you said I'm a star. And then you said I'm not a star. Oh, this is for England fans. All these so-called steps jumping on get behind England bandwagon.

I've been fucking, I was by a fucking Binnie and chicken three years ago. I've done me I was by a fucking bin eating chicken three years ago I've done my yards as England fans, you know what I mean? I get it when fucking like Shania Twain turns up because she's in Europe on tour and they've got the um. Could you tell me Rob what the what it was like when you got back to your holiday because just tell our listeners for your flight times. Oh yeah so basically I flew at 10 a.m. from from Greece to Berlin, got in at midday, got absolutely shitfaced with Lloyd for four hours, had to sober up on a coach to the game, got into the stadium, couldn't

get a beer. So you hungover in the stadium basically? No because I had a couple of beers to keep that at bay. I had my hangover about 11 p.m. On the train back from the stadium That's great. That was quite a lot of England fans They're right near my face all pissed and shit face keep moaning at me about how much it cost them to go watch England I'm like when I was forced to mate. Yeah, it's not it's not conscription Is it like I know we didn't win but you can't have a gutself cake because it cost you four grand You've decided to spend that that's on you when you go to watch England in a final There is a gam you've got to understand the result isn't part of the deal. Like, I know.

Exactly. There is a random element. If anything, when you go and watch England in a final, best to presume you're gonna lose. Don't go thinking I have, if we need to win this for me to get my money's worth. Exactly, so that was quite, because there's some lovely England fans, like I'd say 95% of the England fans are brilliant, lovely people. There's 5% Josh, that are so fucking disgusting and violent and racist and aggressive and everyone goes oh yeah but the minority, it's only the minority, went yeah I know but that minority are racist and aggressive. It's not like oh the minority, like that minority is really bad. Do you know what I mean? If you had a party with 100 people in and five of them were Hitler and four

Nazi henchmen, you would go, but the party's just the minority of the party. This party has to stop for a minute. I know it's the minority, but we need to really read and dress who's in it. Because they are not okay, it's the minority. I know it is the minority, but it's not okay. Anyway, yeah, so that was tough, the train back from the stadium. And then basically my flight was at 6 a.m. So I had to be at the airport at 4 a.m. So I got back to the hotel at midnight.

So then I just drunk, I'd sat there drinking for like three or four hours with Lloyd and a couple of other mates. And then I got a cab at 3.30 a.m. to the airport for the saddest security check-in of all time. And I was so tired. I'd been awake 24 hours. So I was like, I just cannot fall asleep and miss this flight.

So I missed a flight. I'm basically in Berlin for a day. And when you lose, you want to leave that place as quickly as possible. Also, imagine making that phone call to Lou. Oh, God. Hi, Lou. Do you want to be Lou?

Hi, Rob, can't wait to see you. Aren't you in the air? Aren't you in the air? No, no, no, well, I'm not. My plane is. I'm still at the airport. I fell asleep at the gate, so I'll be home probably tomorrow. After fell asleep at the at the gate. So I'll be home probably tomorrow after you abandoned me

Yeah, you've been here two days running till the press double band Double abandoned but yeah, I basically just mainline tick-tock like Two hours non-stop because that you cannot fall asleep. Did you continue drinking? No, no, so I saw of wound it down and then I basically, it was more tiredness than the drink because, you know, the adrenaline and running about and you do about 20,000 steps. And I am, anyway, as soon as I got on the plane though, I just passed out and I looked awful. I looked awful. And like the stewardesses were like looking at me strange. I stunk, Josh. Those old England shirts do not breathe.

And I was in it for 24 hours in the heat of Greece, the heat of the stadium, heat of a packed train at the airport. And I just had to peel my pants and socks off when I got back to the hotel. But then I slept on the plane for like two hours, got back to the hotel. And then I straight, quick shower, straight down the pool.

And then when I was very keen on going You know when it gets hot and you go What should we get the kids back just for a little afternoon nap? Because it's probably a bit too hot for them, isn't it? It's probably too hot for them They need a bit of aircon in the room It's like quarter past 11, kids are loving life Bit of aircon in the room, bit of aircon in the room And then when we went back I slept for like two hours in the afternoon

Which didn't really impact the holiday because the kids were just like watching a bit of telly cooling down. And then we went out in the evening, had a couple of drinks. I was fine actually, but it's easy to recover from a night and not sleep when you're at an all-inclusive hotel. When you've got to go straight into work. Do you know what I mean? Like, and I've done that before where you go straight into Sainsbury's. Was there other people on the flight doing the same thing? No, Josh, there was no one else on earth flying at 6am from Berlin to Thessaloniki.

Absolutely, I literally was on that plane, I was like, I couldn't, I'd say most planes, if I wondered about a selfies app then, absolutely no, if you want to not be famous anymore, fly from Berlin to Greece. He's not a star, he's not a bloody star. Tell the Daily Mail you're not. Exactly. I'll tell you what, I'm not a star. Shall I tell you about my Euros final, Rob? One of the comments someone said, oh, no TV's in Greece, Rob. Oh, good one, mate. You fucking loser. Here's one. Family priorities are much more important than overgrown school boys football game anyways.

You get a much better view in the television in comfort. So family first always. Oh, you fucking loser. Oh, really, it's a better view, is it? On the telly, of course it's a better view. It's the atmosphere, isn't it, you fucking twat. Bushman 1958. Well, that was a waste of money.

Yeah, it would be a waste of money if I had a fucking time machine you twat who's wasted a day to write that comment. I'd love to be in right now. What an adventure. Bring it home. Thank you very much 6233173. That's a Russian bot. Definitely that last one. No one's really putting that on the Daily Mail. Sad really. Family over football always.

Fuck off. What a melt. Fuck off, Durham. What a melt. Hope he's taking Romesh with him and they get lost for maybe 35 years. Oh, you fucking losers. Agreed, a complete pair of James Hunts. Fuck off.

Wow. Just more abusive. It's amazing. I don't really read comments, but I've started reading. Fucking losers agreed a complete pair of james hunts fuck off Wow Just more abusive. It's amazing. I don't really read comments, but i've started Rob stop looking at them. He's run out of nowhere never forgiven him for asked in the late paul o'grady on a sunday afternoon radio Fucking hell Jesus where's that come from? No bed, but he's used a zero instead of an O because it gets banned if it's a swear word. How sad that he must put foot before quality time with his children. How to be an appalling parent in a few years he'll wonder why his children do not put him first.

I tell you what, Pam, 4242207, how about they might like me and I'm like, your kids are probably fucking hate you. I shouldn't read comments Josh. No, it's not working. Close it down. I can see your eyes Rob. Stop. I can see it. I have my eyes on God. I can see it. Yeah. I can see it in your glasses. You're still looking at it. So what actually is his history as an England football fan or just another bandwagon jumper? Rob, stop reading. Stop reading. Talentless here. Okay. Fair enough. This is, you know, that's the only fair thing I've read so far. Talentless.

What a Wally. His family's holiday should be so important. Sad man. Privileged. Oh yeah. Privilege. Okay. Fair enough.

Oh Rob, Rob, stop reading. Stop reading. No, stop reading. This guy's a goon. As all these celebs are who miraculously have tickets to the final. All the fans who go to every game. Maybe the ones who go to every game should let me have a little go. I didn't go to one.

Let's share it out. Here we go. Leaving your family holiday. No, I'm not stopping here, mate. Leaving your family holiday. Really leaving your family holiday to go to another country to watch football is not something to be celebrated or proud of it's a sign of insecurity it's a sign of insecurity low self-worth and obsession mentally ill in other words right the last bit's fine

but there are other things I'm going to cure someone to fucking Berlin but someone staple his awful gobshert can't stand him. What a fucking horrible thing to say. I quite like that one. Here we go. Right stop. I tell you what has been nice I would say, I'm gonna say the last one, is that someone at the top, the most liked comment said, if you actually listen to their podcast, him and his wife have got a great agreement where they both do things of their own and then take turns and it's called the favor tank. Did they? Did someone write that? Yeah someone actually wrote that yeah.

So what's Lou getting in exchange for? Well she wants to which I think is a slight level up but I've got absolutely no fucking Legos to stand on. She wants to go to BravoCon in Vegas. What's BravoCon? Well do you know all those programs? Vanderpump Rules, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She's watching one at the moment called Southern Charm. She's obsessed with it. Rose loves those. And there's an event, oh, she's found her travel buddy then, we're fucked.

Because it's just, Lou's going, Rose gets to go. That's the rule, isn't it? Yep, Bravo Con. Anyway, so basically- So they meet those kind of women that have had 400 facelifts that live in New York those kind of women Yes, exactly. But but also they do do like live Q&A's and live On stage, yeah, exactly that kind of thing. So that and then also just got to go Vegas, but which is fair enough But yeah, Rob, let me tell you about my euros final. This is tell me about your euros final Okay, stop looking at the car. I can see you. I can see it in your eyes. I'm off the comments now

Okay, I'm off. Well, I can do one more Go I bet the missus is glad of the break from his inane prattle. In fact, she's probably playing for extra time and penalties. Wouldn't affect your flight, so it doesn't make any sense. Still masquerading as a comedian I see. Fuck off. Fucking sad case. Quite like that one.

Oh sorry, I thought that was you replying to the masquerade. Oh no, that was for me. Alright. Absolutely. Sad little man. So wait a minute. Fucking sad case. They're just allowed to write fucking sad case on the Daily Mail. Yeah, what a fucking little stifflet to put the zero in knobhead loser. This one's out of order. He creeps me out. Come on mate, I'm just living my life here. I think that's fair. I didn't ask for the article to be put in there. Anyway, Josh, tell me about your Euros final.

It's quite stressful Rob. So I had a clash in my diary that I hadn't noticed about the Euros final and I only noticed a week before and Rose kept saying it won't happen because England aren't gonna get to the final but I needed to be in Exeter at 8.20 a.m. on Monday morning. Right, we need to talk about this. I've seen you look at that. Well, we'll come to it.

We'll come to it. I think we're already there, aren't we? Talk to us about your finals and we'll talk to you about your silly little award for letters, right? So I got So on the morning, so I was I was ill the week before and then Rose got it So I basically I booked a car From exit. You've got me next to sorry you've got me next to 8 20 a.m. And you have A hotel, but I don't want to watch watch the football on my own in the hotel.

It's too bleak. Isn't Rose with you? Yeah but we have originally, our train is booked for the evening because of childcare reasons. So Rose wouldn't have been able to come down until the next morning anyway. So blah blah blah blah blah. I'd have been sat in a hotel on my own watching it so I booked a car for 11 p.m. from London to Exeter at I should say quite high expense huge yeah that is an expense

Sunday night Euro final for a journey horrible yeah for no money why are you doing that for no money? Because not everything's about money Rob. Some of it. What's it about? Ego. It's about being special. It's about thinking you've achieved something when you know you haven't. Convincing yourself your life is worth something anyway right so yeah I roses and what you get to know Rose is well on the Sunday so at the last minute I get subbed in at 430 for the for a pool party with my daughter yeah at 430 p.m. you've got to go to a pool that swimming pool party yeah yeah swimming

pool party with your daughter right Rose is supposed to be doing it, but you're doing it, okay? Yeah, so I'm doing it. It's a leisure centre, there's a pool, and then there's a huge slide. Okay. So, I feel quite weird as well because you're like, suddenly I'm going topless in front of all of the dads and mums from the school. Are you all getting in? Yeah.

Why are you getting in? Well, because they need, one adult for every two kids needs to be in. Well, tell them to fucking find some and organise their own party rather than getting... Well no, because we're all... Are you getting in? Rob, not everyone is knee-jerk angry like you. Some people... Get the fuck on, get me tits out, alright I'll get me tits out so she can have a shit

bit of cake in a minute. Fuck off, get in, have a swim, I'll sit on the edge. What is it, a lifeguard? What is it, a fucking, have a swift pond? A hamster pond? What, no, it's not a hamster pond. It's just a rule at the party, you need two adults for the kids. Is it a swimming centre?

What is a swimming, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a leisure centre. What's a swimming centre? Well, no, okay, so every two... Right, so now you're topless with someone else's kid. Well, this is what happens, Rob. So, my daughter's quite nervous about the big slide, so I'm like, I'll go down with you initially, fine. Then her friend wants to go down.

Oh, no, you've got to put her between your legs. So, it's her and her friend and me. And then I'm like, so I go to... Are both parents in the pool of the organisers of this party? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I just have visions of them on the side.

Not everything, Rob, is, you know, is a competition in which people are trying to fuck each other over. Some people are just helping out. So you've got to drive your child to a leisure centre at 4.30pm when they've already time to go to the amp, right? No one wants a party after four, let's face it. The kids go feral, everyone's badly behaved. I'm sure it was, I'm sure it was. I'm sure it fucking was, you gutless coward. We all know it, and I've said it to people.

I've been at Trampolines Park from 5 o'clock till 7. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing here? This is mental. Right, and they go, oh, I know, but is there any time we get it booked? Oh, yeah, sure, OK, whatever. But any party after four for young kids is a write off. They're all stressed, they're hungry, they're hungry. Also, day of the Euros final. Fuck the party off. You can't fuck the party off Rob. It's bigger than that.

It's bigger than that. It's not bigger than that. It's bigger than that. Not everyone is putting football before family because they are abandoning their wife and children Rob. Some people, maybe I've written a few comments on the Daily Mail about you saying I disapprove of the way you treated your family on that day. Yeah, I don't know Josh, are we going to invite you to our daughter's birthday, it's at 4.30pm in a leisure centre and you've got to get your tits out and get in the water. I tell you what, see you next year. Rob, I tell you what you are, an N0B HE AD.

Or a fucking sad case if you're an absolute Mal online comment legend. So, if you want, tell me good, if the Parenting Hell listeners want to go on the Mal comments and just start having a go back and create a civil war and then we'll read out the best one Yeah, yeah, cool. Yeah, we'll do that next time Just reply easy to find Rob Beckett abandoned his family. Just Google that And there's quite a few stories about that, but the Daily Mail one. That's the one you want Yeah, that's the lead one and then the other reports on Rob Beckett The secret baby payoffs, yeah, Rob, none of that. Ignore that. None of that, the secret baby payoffs. Yeah.

Rob, so I haven't got to the worst bit. Yeah, go on. So I got stuck in the slide. Oh no. Like, is it like a flume one? Yeah. With the other kid? So I had two kids on my lap.

Oh. My daughter and her friend. That's not allowed, is it? What kind of dystopian ledger set is it? There was a guy at the top. What kind of dystopian ledger set is this? The guy at the top waved me through. I was like, he's going to stop me here. Yeah.

And so I get going, and it's sticky. And then I lie back, and I think, we're getting some momentum here. Right. Yeah. After about five or six seconds, I think, I wonder how far we've gone And I look round and we're still at the entrance There's too much too many kids. There's too many kids Rob. I know it gets a bit heavy and they're old now They're six are they? I know yeah, and one of the other dads is actually shouting tips down the down the flume to me

other dad is actually shouting tips down the down the flume to me. Tips? On how to get some momentum going. Oh I thought you're shouting the word tips? That was a thing on the slide. Tips! Tips forward tips forward! It's got fucking tips! Hey Josh tips it! I can't help I've got two down here on my own! So, yeah, I got stuck in the slide, Rob. Oh, Josh. In the end. I think two. One parent between two kids as well. This rule. Sorry to go back to this rule. What if you've got three kids anyway?

You're not allowed in that leisure centre. There was... Sorry, mate, you need an extra pair of hands, eh? Well... You can't bring your own three kids in here. I don't know on that. No, I imagine if you're in the main pool, that is different to this was a separate pool.

Right, okay. I imagine this is party rules. Party, my classic party, political party rules, party my arse. Anyway, sorry, go on. So you're stuck in this flume. Yeah, so I can't start. You are incredibly pumped up today. I don't know, I'm just fucking loving life at the moment Josh. It didn't feel, it doesn't feel that way. It doesn't feel that way. If anything it feels like you're incredibly angry at the world.

No, but this is my, this is my true self. Oh, yeah, I don't like your true self. I have had feedback before and certain stations and channels that will remain nameless, be yourself but not too much. Which sort of goes against what you're told in life isn't it? I think me as me is fine actually. No I just feel pretty pumped up. Only put on one kilo going to an all inclusive which is pretty happy about. Considering I had three pints at lunch every day. Yeah, well done. Sorry, Josh. Go on. We're in this pool.

Anyway, I managed to unstick ourselves and managed to get us going down basically. It all sounds horrible. It all sounds pedo. Yeah, so we just shot down the flume, Rob, and splashed out of the end. And so... You've exited the pipe. I've exited the pipe, and, you know, we're all wet. And then my daughter's fine for the rest of it. She just wants to do, go around and around and around. Yeah, she just does that.

She's just going around and around with her mates. And so I'm basically now just stood at the bottom of a pipe, topless, for 45 minutes. Yeah, sure. What about the other kids? She doing it as well? So they're all good. So you just got one after the other coming around. Oh, there yeah her and her mates now all of them just like just straight round

So you just stood top this with a few other a few other dads just more dads in the pool than mums I'll be honest with you Rob also the dads are ripped No one wants to strip up in front of school parents or party parents today No, Lou tells me I for in shorts some days Does she? Well she's like you can're going to wear shorts? Save those legs for me. What are you saying? I think a couple of the other ladies might see my legs and go,

do you know what? I fancy a bit of school gate shagging. And I tell you what, they probably do fancy a bit of school gate shagging, but no. No. Actually. And if you were to shag me, I would abandon you. You can look, but you can't touch with these legs. I say that sometimes at the gate. Have a good old go. Gather round, ladies and men.

Some of you may be living beard lives. Gather round. Have a little look at these legs. And this is the last time you're going to see these. Till tomorrow morning. Till tomorrow morning. Or when everyone decides to come back to my abandoned family. Yeah. Anyway, go to watch the Euros final at friend's house,

then have to get in the car. I was so relieved. It didn't go to extra time. I'd have had to pay weight and time on the car. Yeah. Get in the car with my pillow, my trusty pillow. Oh God. Yeah. Get a couple of hours, get to exit at 3am, get to bed, get up at 7. Right, yep, yep. Get dressed for the first time of the day, we'll get on to the second time in a bit. Yeah, put on my suit and then exit university. So what have you actually been invited to do at exit university? I was getting Yeah, put on my suit and then I went to Exeter University. So what have you actually been invited to do at Exeter University?

I was getting an honorary doctorate job. Okay, what does that mean? What is a doctorate compared to a degree? You're a doctor? It's like the next one. Is that a PhD thing? Yeah, yeah, it's a PhD but it's not, is it? So could you change it, could it change it like legally to Dr Josh Whitacombe?

I suppose I could. Oh, just to be clear, I would be clinically insane to, but I suppose I could. Well, exactly, and you'll need a doctor and you will be one. Oh, there we go. Really nice, really nice. So then you go there, they put you in a silly gown. The hat, did you know that hat was happening?

Yeah, I did know that hat was happening, yeah. Right, okay, I've got no respect for you now. Because if they surprised you with that hat, fair fair enough poor old Josh, he's been fucking Railroaded here. He's gone. I did I what this is this is me thinking the best of you Josh. He's a good guy He's gone down to his like I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. You're great guy With a good heart. Okay, and you want to do the right thing You've gone down to Devon where you're from someone say you should have gone to the University of Plymouth, is there one? No, I'm nearer to Exeter.

I went to sixth form in Exeter. Oh, right, so Exeter actually is closer to you than Plymouth, so you should support Exeter Football Club, really? Yeah. Okay, well that's a separate issue. I was a glory hunter, Rob. Yeah, okay, you're a glory hunter.

God, what a terrible lie for that's the glory, Plymouth. No offense. You know, janitors. Right, okay, so let's reframe this. You are a good guy, good heart. You went to Union, you went to sixth form in Exeter, abandoned it for Manchester, but let's not get bogged down by that. You went to sixth form. I wanted to leave home, you've got to leave home. I wanted to leave home. You're from Exeter, right? That's your nearest big city, city, isn't it? Yeah, just about. Lloyd went there.

Obviously, Lloyd did go there. Obviously, you... Lloyd did go there. Obviously, you do love academia and learning, and you want to go and do more and stuff like that. So it's something you're into. And also, it is great, for there's not many people from Devon that have gone on to do, like, big stuff.

You know, Chris Martin, maybe, is probably the biggest, isn't he? You'd say, from there. Yeah, Dawn French, maybe. Dawn French is something to do. Chris Martin, Dawn French. But, like, you've gone back to do a speech in your sort of local city, to talk to people and do a speech about living your, you know, following your dreams, your passions and stuff.

It was an inspiring speech. That's not a beat around the bush. It was an inspiring speech. However, what I would say is, it doesn't matter what you're saying when you look a certain way. In some of Joe Biden's speeches, some of the actual content is pretty spot on, but the delivery and the look let him down and he's now stood down. Why are you forced to be dressed up? I wasn't forced.

Could you have not worn it? Well, I didn't try not to wear it. They did David Alba on a Wednesday, he wore it. Why do you have to be dressed up like a complete ****? There's not even a word for the name of that hat they put you in. It's not even a type of hat. They've made it up. It looks like, you know, when you get a pair of pants on your head. Anyway. I thought I looked good. No, you didn't.

I'm sorry. I can't lie. You look mental. Absolutely mental. But that's not you. That's the outfit. How would you have reacted if you saw me in it? Exactly the outfit. How would you have reacted if you saw me in it? Exactly the same. I'm giving it five years.

Hello, it's me Jessica Nappitt and here, here, here, here, brand new podcast alert. I've got a new show for you. It's called Perfect Day and yeah you've figured out the premise already haven't you because you're so smart and because it's obvious. Every Thursday I interview a guest about what constitutes their perfect day so if you like hopes and dreams, fantasies and sweet memories. You're going to love this stuff. Ah! We have got so many lovely, funny, nice people on. Your Ramesh Ranganathan's, your Dolly Alderton's, your Jamali Maddox's,

Arabella Wears She's doing it. Don't worry about the quality of the guest. Just worry about when you're going to listen to it. Or don't worry about when you're going to listen to it, just actually listen to it. See you soon. Jess Knapp here signing off, wishing you a perfect day. Perfect day on all your favourite podcast platforms.

Should we play my voice notes? Oh yeah, you sent voice notes as well. Can you play them or do you need me to? You play them. So this was the worst. I had a bad 24 hours Rob. Yeah, so this was before Exeter, is that correct?

Yeah. And it was so bad that I was annoyed. Yeah, I was annoyed we weren't recording the podcast. And so I recorded these. Right, it's three minutes long, this message. Well, we'll see how far we go.

We can always pick it up on Friday morning. My two days of being, this is what you message, my two days of being ill have been so busy, it is insane. It's such a shame we don't have a pod. Michael, the absolute content grabber of the year said, want us to find a slot? And I say I could squeeze in one on Thursday. And you said, might do some voice notes here to play out when it comes to okay,

don't overstretch us. Well, you won't ever stretch and us me and Michael start for it Josh. I was so tired. Okay, here we go. Let me play this one. So yesterday, I was ill. Just need some time on my own. Recording the pod. I just went to go back to own. I recorded the pod. Then I just went to go back to bed. To give you an idea, the house was quite busy. We had Adrian and Igor obviously doing the building. The cleaner was here, so obviously I couldn't be in bed.

While the bedroom and bathroom were being done, she also had to try and navigate around the fact that every building work done. She also had to try and navigate around the front where every building work done. Then the joiner was here with Rose to go through the cupboarding. And then Rose doing that. She was here looking after my son. They can go out because it's pissing rain. So there was eight, nine people here while I was ill, unable to do anything, can't see my gigs in the evening, tried to get to bed at a good time, didn't. Sounds so different. I mean as if a house with eight people in when you're ill

I mean as if a house with eight people in when you're ill is not what you want. This morning, get the kids up, I'll just get them schooled and then wherever they are. The car that isn't the one, but obviously isn't the one that's cloned, it's the one that's been cloned but is our version of the cloned car. I got hit by a lorry about a week ago, I got caught by a lorry. isn't the one that's cloned. It's the one that's been cloned, but it's our version of the cloned car. Got hit by a lorry about a week ago, got caught by a lorry. I haven't even told you this. So it's got to go and get mended, courtesy car situation. They come together with a courtesy car.

It's a manual. I've not driven a manual in a decade. Can we just stop? Because I don't remember being this mad. It's mental. It doesn't really make sense. It doesn't make sense, Rob. It's not making sense.

You're delirious. I'm delirious. In my head, that was a swift message about what had happened. I think I'm having a breakdown. Yeah, because all you said is it's quite busy in your house. But it took me about eight minutes to say it. I know. I know.

So much detail that no one needed. I don't even remember that happening. I still don't know. How ill was I? And your actual car, so your actual car that you drive got hit by a lorry on the motorway? Not on the motorway, in London. Right, when you were driving, everyone was okay though?

Yeah. Then they sent you a courtesy car because that was getting fixed? Three and a half grand of damage. I had to pay the excess, 650 beans. Oh God. Rob, I think I was having a breakdown without realising it. You sound like a different person in that message. I know, what's going wrong with me? Was that the end of it or did Michael just pause it?

No, I've got no idea, he paused it. I don't think we need the end of it. I'm fucking so glad you said that because it's so shit. I didn't know what was going on. I remember like, it's funny because you're mental, but like. Yeah. When you was like, use this for the podcast, I was like, really? Just a sad man rambling.

I've got no idea, in my head, I was so ill that I was like, I need to get this down. It's like when someone's drunk and they come up with a business plan. Basically, basically, the idea is, right, pillows, but little ones to the ones you normally have. That's actually a good idea. Then you can go in your pocket. I've got a good idea. But then they can pop out like collapsible. I don't remember.

I barely remember recording it. Yep. I don't know. There's more Josh though. There's loads of it. Michael is there more on that one? No, we don't need more on that one. Try the next one.

See if I'm more together. There's at least a third left of that thought. Fuck it now! Let's play the third. No. Do you want it? Yeah. It's a fucking mistake. I have to get the two car seats out. He then asks for my driver

license. I've got no idea where my driver license is. All in all, hour, hour and a half. That somehow takes... Even the phone is trying not to play. I just went to bed at this point. Eventually I managed to go to bed for 15, 20 minutes before it's then time to go drive this new car, which I say not a like for like, to see my daughter's play, which I just, I get through it very good, but I'm not very well, but I wanted to see it. And I sit away from everyone to, you know, stop being catching. And then I drive home and get caught in traffic because I haven't got a sat nav. Well, I have

got a sat nav, but my phone's in the text because the windscreen is so I've got my phones in the touch, the windscreen, so obviously I've left that in the other car. And then I get home, half the electrics have gone off in the house. Because when they installed the new internet last week, they left a hole in the wall, and there's water leaking through the wall onto wires and onto the wall, so we've got a big wet wall. And now we've got no fridge, because that's off, no kettle, et cetera.

And now I've got 45 minutes to go back to bed till I have to get in the car again to go and get my daughter for my evening performance. First question. Oh, he's still going. And I've recorded this twice. Recorded it twice? Oh, Josh. Oh, my god. Oh, Josh.

Oh my God. Right. Yeah, you've absolutely there's more. There's more of that. Do you reckon should we play it? I've got no idea. There's a 45 second one, a three second one, 35 second and a 40 second. I've got no idea what's coming up, Rob. I don't remember any of this. Should we play the next one, Michael, please?

A brief update on the app I've just had. I've dealt with two separate phone calls regarding the emergency electrician, which obviously I had to take. I'm not complaining that they've caught me, but obviously that hit into the nap. Also, I found out that something I had told someone

off the record has been used in a podcast so I then had to contact The producers to get the podcast taken down And that has been the last 25 minutes of my nap. It wasn't even something interesting It was just something I wasn't meant to have told them. I Told them that oh My god I've told them. I told them that. Oh my god. Okay next one, three seconds. Anyway, off to the school room.

You can't even speak, you stand drunk. There's another 35 second one here. Quick update, um, did the school room. No patch from the car hardly any. Right on the bottom on the courtesy car, on the way home going to the garage, just make it, thank God for that. And of course there's no mention on the petrol cap

or anywhere else in the car, whether it's unloaded or diesel, they haven't told me. And so I have to now drive at home just till I got home. Don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow morning really. Got to find the garage. Wonder whether I'll get to the petrol station. What a life. I mean, I'd say that's not that bad.

There's another one. Yeah, it's just... Fuck it, now. I think I was just lonely. I think you were really ill and depressed. What's the last one? So I'm currently being perceived by texts about how France vs Spain is the best game of the tournament while men drill a huge hole in my wall Kids are going to sleep because obviously there's a huge drill sound and I'm trying to cook dinner

obviously there's a huge drill sound. And I'm trying to cook dinner on a gas hob, which I'm having to light with a match because obviously the electric starter thing doesn't work. And I can't turn the radio on to listen to the football, can't turn the TV on to watch the football. My brother's just texted me to say the comment that it's the best 22 minutes of the tournament by far. For fuck's sake.

I'd say, Josh, those messages are a real mix of things that are bad. Oh my God, the electrics have gone off and the walls damp. Yeah. And then stuff like, oh, I've got to go and watch my daughter's play. Yeah. And then stuff like, oh, I've got to go and watch my daughter's play. Not ideal, but you know, and then it's, oh, God, France, Spain's good. And I've got a gas. And I'm like, just fucking order a takeaway, mate. Watch it on your phone.

You weren't in a position to problem self. I was fucked. You basically, you're like a role. Why am I cooking? Exactly. You're ill. Sit down, order a takeaway, watch the're bathing. Exactly. You're ill. Sit down. Order a takeaway.

Watch the football on your phone. Headphones in. That's all you had to do. But I think you're like that, you know, the ball in Indiana Jones that rolls down the thing. And then once it picks up a bit of speed, you are, your head's gone. My head was fucked. That's the weirdest content we've ever done.

I think so. And do you know what that is? That is your anxiety existing on its own without any sort of logic because you're ill and you're panicking a bit and you're stressed and your head's gone and there's people in the house and you're overwhelmed. Because that's not you. No. But you don't recognise that because you're not...

I'd say if that was me, Rob, this podcast wouldn't be the hit it is. No, no. No, no. What I'm saying that is... You'd have to do a lot more of the heavy lifting. No, but that's you in your sort of like worst moments kind of thing that you've captured. So it's quite interesting actually.

But that's not who you are. But you have you have the capability to slide like everyone does, where you can get into that momentum of, oh, it's all going fucking wrong now. And your head goes and you're not actually bit like there's no need for you to cook on our gas. Just order a bit of food and watch a football. Also, it's not that bad. Or let the kids stay up a bit. Also, don't worry. In the grand scheme of things, because I don't remember any of this, when it got

to the bit about the cooker, I thought, what's going to be the problem with the cooker? And when it was, I had to use a match. I thought, why do I think that's content? Yeah, I don't know. But you weren't in a good space there. That's good though. That's enlightening to hear. Yeah, oh well, there we go.

Lovely stuff. Joshua, I'll see you on Friday. See you on Friday for another Bloody Guest. Bye. I'm Natalie Cassidy and I've been wanting to do a podcast of my own for a very long time and here it is. I'm going to be talking each week to family, friends, most importantly, you. I want to talk about the issues that are bothering me, things that make me smile and how we get through that washing basket without having a nervous breakdown.

This is a podcast for the general public, for the normal people. So get on board, become part of my community and let's have a laugh. people. So get on board, become part of my community and let's have a laugh. You've figured out the premise already, haven't you? Because you're so smart and because it's obvious. Every Thursday, I interview a guest about what constitutes their perfect day. So if you like hopes and dreams, fantasies and sweet memories, you're gonna love this stuff. Ah, we have got so many lovely, funny, nice people on.

You're Ramesh Ranganathan's, you'relly Alderton's, your Jamali Maddox's, Arabella Wearsh's doing it. Don't worry about the quality of the guest. Just worry about when you're going to listen to it. Or don't worry about when you're going to listen to it, just actually listen to it. See you soon. Jess Knapp here, signing off, wishing you a perfect day.