Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP61: I'm cancelling my kid

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener,

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Edie, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdecombe? Josh Widdecombe. Well done. There we go, Rob. Well done. You're on your phone. Are you doing something? Yeah, we go, Rob. Well done. You're on your phone. Are you doing something?

Yeah, I am, Rob. That's got to be a record for not paying attention to a podcast. I know. I didn't hear any of that. I didn't hear any of it. It sounded like they were in the bath. Yeah, it did, didn't it? And I didn't hear much of it because I was watching you not being on the podcast.

I'm cancelling my daughter. No, it's fine. You're cancelling your daughter? Oh my God, what she said. Racist or sexist? I cancelled her. I cancelled her. I cancelled her.

I cancelled her. I cancelled her. I cancelled her. I can on the podcast. I'm cancelling my daughter. No, it's fine. You're cancelling your daughter? Oh my god, what she said, racist or sexist? What'd she say, back in the kitchen or back in the country? She said, I'm cancelling her play scheme for today. What's her play scheme? Is play scheme a word? You know, when it's like... basically, they go somewhere for the day. Yeah, yeah. And it's our first day back, really, in reality from being away. And Rose's mom's here, and didn't know my daughter was going into play scheme. And so said that she'd take her to

the art shop this morning. So my daughter was gutted when this place anyway, long story short. Does she want to go to play scheme or not your daughter? No, she doesn't. Because now nanny's here and wants to take her to the shop. So this is the first sort of proper day of the summer holidays where it's not on holiday. You're basically...

We had a week before that, I think, when she did some play scheme and she went to the arcade and stuff. Is that what it's called? I don't know. I've never heard of that before in my life. Different places have different words for stuff and then you say them and then you suddenly realize you sound mental. There was Buzz Camp when I was a kid or Camp Beaumont. Camp Beaumont? Do you remember Camp Beaumont or have I invented that? No, I've never heard that. Well, no, I'm sure you haven't, but you know. Let's introduce who we've stolen the moment. Hi Rob, Josh and Michael. This is my daughter, Edie, not Eddie like the GP always calls her. And she's three years old.

Edie is a very popular name at the moment, very good name. Love listening to the show on my way into work. It's always good to know you're not the only one winging parenting. And I think we can all agree, Hayley, the start has. How dare you? How dare winging it? We're up to our bloody eyeballs in play scheme here, I've just found out what it is. Camp Beaumont is like a, in the south, they do a camp... Is Beaumont the place? I don't know, it's just the name of the summer camp. What do they do all year, these summer camp people?

Oh yeah. When you see people running a summer camp, you're like, bloody hell, that is seasonal work isn't it? Yeah, basically. Do you know what? In my experience now, and this is aimed in general at these summer camps, there's about eight people that run it and then they just employ it, disinterested 17-year-olds that could not give a fuck and your kids come home, in my experience, not that impressed. We've just sent them to a, they've gone to a new one this week. Well, at least they've gone. We'll see gone to a new one this week and I'll let

you know what one that is well I don't know they were supposed to start 12 minutes ago so I don't even know if they've gone in yet or if how it's going but I'll report back but they've gone to like a little dance and singing workshop put the window thing down. Put the window thing down? The blind? Oh my gosh, fuck it. It's going to be hot today, boy. I know, my morning's been intense, Rob. Also you're still wearing the same top as you wore last night at your gig. Because I got up and put my t-shirt and shorts on and I haven't had a moment. Well Josh, you seem a bit, like I feel a bit, I find the summer holidays quite logistically

stressful because the kids are off and then we're all working. Me and Lou's working this summer. She's back at work. I can't say what she's doing yet. That's up to her to announce, but she's back working sort of nearly full time. I'm sort of part time this summer. Lou's sort of part time to full time. And so we've got a mixture of play schemes, summer camps, family, friends, childminders, and babysitters. But you yesterday on Sunday morning at 9 a.m. said, I haven't got much content for the show. And then I said, don't worry, I've got loads.

But then by nine o'clock at night, you said you've got loads and you're having one of your manic episodes on the way to St. Albans. Well, I just overloaded myself Rob. So having a three-year-old he is a very nice boy. You sound like you're about to exclude him from school. He's a very, at heart, a good child but we cannot offer him what he needs at this school. No. He's a very nice boy.

So your son's a very nice boy. The problem is, Rob. You sound so tired. I know. There's no... I woke up this morning knowing that I was doing this and then... Did you? Because you turned up fucking 10 minutes late.

Oh God, I still haven't sent my fucking email. that I was doing this and then did you because you turned up fucking ten minutes later oh god I still haven't sent my fucking email you're on the phone to the cleaner your email in place oh look I'd say she ain't coming telling them now like it's not they're not gonna be waiting at the gate for are they no but they need to know that she's not gonna be there right right fair enough yeah yeah well Email them now. Before we were doing this, I said, do you need to do your email, Don? You went, don't worry, I can do this email on the pod. It'll be great content.

You're just staring down in silence. It's not great content. It's not great content. It's sent. I don't know what great content is anymore. What are your little voice notes? What about a little sad man voice note special? I don't know what content is anymore.

What is going on? What is going on? What is going on? What is going on? What is going on? What is going on? What is going on? What is going on? What is going on? What is going on? One of your little voice notes, a little sad man voice note special. I don't know what content is anymore. What is content?

Right, so I feel like you're in a state of tiredness where you're tapping out of even a 10 minute fan time. Sentences, sentences. Well, if you get the core of what happened yesterday to... I just too much info, my three year old, He is so nice, but he's at the point where... What are we supposed to do with your own child? Yeah, he is such a nice guy. It's like you're about to sack someone. Sorry.

You forget the stages, Rob. He's at a stage where you can't reason with him if he wants to do something. So it's easy. If you stop him doing what he wants to do, which is have a tea party. Yeah, Apple don't fall far. He loves, he just loves imaginative play. So in a day he'll be the cleaner. I like you at the moment, just tapping out of anything imaginative. Fuck that. I like Michael Owen, can't even deal with a film.

That's the beauty of being a comedian, you're just loose, you're relaxed, you can just play at work, you can just throw things up in the air. Jesus, what? So he wants to do a tea party. Yeah, yeah. No, or he'll be the cleaner or he'll be the taxi driver in the car. All these things he loves doing. But he's a nice guy. Of course, he's a nice guy. There's no way of talking him out of it. Yeah.

Without him going mental because he's three. Yeah. Well, my friends were around yesterday and they've got a three year old and it is graft because they friends were around yesterday and they've got a three-year-old and it is graft because they're constantly wandering around and they're sort of old enough to do it on their own, but it's still a bit unsafe if they're going on near a step or the stairs. And then also as well, if they don't want to do anything. I think, you know, the terrible twos, I think it's worse at three for that temper. I think so, definitely.

Because there's a bit of communication isn't there? He didn't have a temper till two months ago. We were like, and he's either incredibly chilled, or he's either zero or 10. Yeah. And so we were in Cornwall for 10 days, right? And it's fine if you don't want to do anything because it's fun. They're really like, it's all like, oh yeah, he's got a doctor's kit and he just does the doctor with you, right?

So he'll do all of the different things. And you're not working, it's holiday. Yeah, you're like, this is fucking great. This is brilliant. You're just sitting here and he's like, take your medicine. Here's your ear thing. You know, do your, and you're like, this is great. The day we were trying to pack up to leave and your, basically, you're a man down and you have to make this peace with yourselves that, because you can't say to him, I'm not

going to do that because it's more trouble than it's worth, if you know what I mean. Right. So someone has to entertain him while you're... So you're basically entertaining him the whole time while the other one packs. What about your sister? Does she not get involved in that? Or is she doing her own thing? Yeah, she does. But she doesn't want to sit. So he wanted to be the taxi. We were loading up the car, emptying the car. He gets in the car. He's like, I'm the taxi driver. Yeah, this is my taxi. He's sitting in the front seat. It wasn't him, was it? Driving through barking late at night? I've been cleared. I've been officially cleared of that.

Barking clear you of it? I've been cleared. I've spent... fuck you, barking council. Got home to a... Swivel on that. Swivel on that, Joe. That is justice. Yeah. Got home to that letter. And then the next letter I opened was a fine for the Dart charge. Which actually was you? Was me. Yeah, which actually was me.

Fair enough. Or, just keep using the crime number. Keep using the crime number. Dish it out. Sell it on WhatsApp. You need a crime number. So anyway, he, and you can't just leave him in the car on the driveway. No, of course. So I'm just now sat in the car for about an hour, 90 minutes while he pretends to be doing a taxi, you know, put the phone on the thing. And you're like, we started packing at 9am, cleaning up the house, all these stuff, put the recycling, all that, you know, all the stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We left at half two. Oh my God.

What did you move in the furniture? It's just because like you're looking after two kids. Yeah. You're trying to do the pack. And then yesterday, it would get home and then you're like, you've got all your stuff. You've got to get, you know, you it's like unpacked three suitcases. So that was the whole day yesterday. Me and Rose are quite fried. And then last night I had a gig. So you drove back from, you drove back from. Back on Saturday.

Oh Saturday. At half two. Yeah. At half two. I got home at like 10 or whatever, which was fine. 10? Well, we stopped for them quite a couple of times. Oh my God. I'll be honest, Rob. You could have gone to New York.

The car is, the car, that's my holiday. Because they're in their back. My daughter is fucking obsessed with the Olympics. She's fucking obsessed. She just watches it. My girls are into it as well, actually. Yeah, they just watches it. My girls are into it as well actually. Yeah, they just love it, way more than football or anything. So she's watching, but gymnastics, she fucking loves

gymnastics. She was just sat watching badminton this morning. So they're just watching that in the back. So the drive, you're like, this is our time to ourselves. So yesterday. Can I suggest something Josh, if this is helpful? Yeah, we'll get back to ourselves. So yesterday. Can I suggest something Josh, if this is helpful? Yeah, we'll get back to yesterday. So I find sometimes if Lou's got to do something, if you're entertaining the kids in the house, or if I've got to do something, it's almost easier if you go,

I'm gonna take these two to the CAF, or to a trampoline park, and rather than be sat in the car with him getting frustrated because you're not helping, packing or it's going slower, it's sort of like, I'm just gonna accept now that I will not be able to help in the car with him getting frustrated because you're not helping packing or it's going slower. It's sort of like, I'm just gonna accept now that I will not be able to help in the house, but my help will be removing them.

I know. And then go, I'm gonna accept that this morning is that. And also as well, if you take him to trampoline park in the morning, then they'll be tired for the car journey. And I would just- Do you know what, Rob, yesterday, so my daughter was at her friend's house, so it was just me, one on one with my son.

Yeah. I can't go to another cafe with children for like, I just, I've OD'd on that. Have you gone to the trampoline park with him? No, I haven't now. They love that. And they do, they sometimes do toddler sessions for under five. So it's not too mental and they literally just run and everything's soft, everything's bouncy. You can just sit on like a little ledge and you just run around going mental.

Even during the summer holidays you can just turn up. Yeah, so the one we go to, we go to AirJump also. I would like to say Big Up AirJump but until they allow other fucking socks on the trampoline. Oh, you've covered this. I've covered this. But have a look on their website because they do for under fives, they normally do toddler sessions

because over fives, mental, it's all like teenagers going mad. But then they can just run and exhaust them and you can just go, right, I'm just sitting out and you can sometimes get some emails done or like if they're rough, right, you can do a bit of work as well. Okay, I'll do that next time. And that way as well, you're like,

I'm not having to pretend to be a taxi driver, sat on the drive, getting frustrated you're not leaving. Just if you accept that you lose in the morning, it sometimes helps. Yeah. Yeah. So yesterday, I didn't really accept it, Rob. So what did you do with him yesterday? About, no, we had a lovely time and Rose was then dealing, you know, and then I'm unpacking

my stuff. So I wanted to unpack my stuff, do you know what I mean? You're like, and then I wanted to go over my stand up because I've not really done stand up for the whole of the holiday. And then I've got a gig in St. Albans that night. And then I unpacked and then I found myself. I was like, I found myself, I was unpacking. I was like, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna work out all the books that I haven't read and I'm gonna put them in the order that I'm gonna read them. Oh, you okay? No, and then I thought, I'm not okay.

That's mad. I was like, I'm gonna decide which one to read the least, and then I'm gonna put them first because then I'll get them done. And then I'll have the other ones to look forward to more. Oh, no. And then I was like, Oh, my God, I'm having a I need to I've I've OD'd on. I need to stop. What have you OD'd on? Stress. Me.

On stress. So what you're doing, you feel this is my psychoanalysis. If you don't mind me doing it, I know it's a bit. No, no, no, no, that's what we're here for. You've basically been a bit overwhelmed and not had time to yourself and become a bit stressed. And then when you're under stress, you time to yourself and become a bit stressed. And then when you're under stress, you like to order things to create some control.

Yeah, yeah, totally. And then I also punish yourself. It's brilliant you spotted it, but also punish yourself. You can't just read the book you want to read. You have to read the ones you don't want to read first to get to the good stuff because heaven forbid you allow yourself some joy. Let's create my own barriers to joy alongside the difficulty of balancing life, children and work. Let's add another one into the mix.

Are you having to read some horrendous book about Thatcher again, to get to one about blur? That is a good book. But that's really good that you spotted it though, and you're aware of it, where before you would have just been head down, ploughed on. Yeah, he forced himself, if I do 200 pages a week, then I will be on the books I want to read within four weeks. And I must get to this gig in St Albans that I don't really need to do because my tour

that I may be announcing is not till next year. Yeah, well the gig in St Albans. So that's a big gig as well that. Yeah I know, so that was quite stressful because I've put in these gigs with our friend Will, who books these really lovely gigs. But I'm slightly not at the stage. I'm like, I've got to really go for this. Because normally I do them after a tour.

Do you know what I mean? When I'm like, I just knock out half an hour. But those little ones we do in pubs, like the always be comedy one. I've got one. They're great. But that's a bit like we're having an internal meeting at work about a potential new project. Right? Well, your St Albans was right. You're pitching to a client alone in a field. So 2000 clients in a field alone. You're not quite sure of the idea you're pitching. No, exactly. The idea has changed a lot in the last week and you've just been emailed it.

And no one's done the numbers. So if they ask about the numbers you haven't got them. Good luck. And you're trying to riff with Peter Jones to get through it. So that's where I was. In conclusion. Very stressed. Yeah. So that's that was my holiday in Cornwall. Well, the holiday was good though. The holiday was good.

The house, Rose has done an incredible job on it. And do you know what? It was good to be down there with her, keeping an eye on her. Yeah, it's good to see. How is it now you see Rose? Because she's not, you're cat crazy, haven't you used that? Where's Rose today? Is she in the house?

Yeah, she is in the house. She's here. Lovely. That's good. It's weird though that you're actually more stressed when you spend time with her. Do you know what? She came to St Albans because we've got friends in St Albans, they were watching the show. Right. And then the car home, we were like, we've got to go and like spend a day or a couple of nights away or something, just us. Because like, I can't remember the last time we were a couple, if that makes

sense. Yeah, we've both been off doing your own work. And then it's just with you and the kids. Yeah, it's just, it's so easy to slip into that thing where you're like, God, do you remember being a young, happening couple around town? Now, were you a happening couple? No, all right. Do you remember when we didn't have kids? We could have a lie in.

Yeah, we could have a lie in. Oh yeah, that's good then. Well, also as well, like where you went your holiday, obviously you go into Cornwall, which you love, but it's not like going into a hotel that has like activities put on or a kids club that they can go to. No but we did have other people down and so that marked the kids out the game. Yeah so you had a bit of... Can I say one more thing and then what? Seeing other people's

bedtimes being as difficult as yours is fucking great Rob. So you're inviting down people that aren't very good parents to help? No, I'm not inviting down people. It's just a happy accident? What I'm saying Rob. It's like DMV when they talk to a politician. People are having good bedtimes. It's a fucking myth.

Everyone's having a nightmare. Everyone! I find it's like the stock market bedtimes. Go on. It's sort of, there's always a little bit of up and down, but there's an occasional boom or bust. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where, and the worst thing is you never really notice the boom.

Because all you get is sleep, which should be a human right of just basically when it's booming you're like, you just wake up at like seven in the morning and you go, wow, no child came in the bedroom last night or cried or whatever. But you go, okay, and you just get on with it because it's not really low to sleep. You're still getting up at seven and doing breakfast and getting them dressed and doing what you need to do. But we hit a bit of a bust. We had a bit of Lehman Bros 2010 the last couple of weeks where my youngest-

Well, let me tell you, Rob, good news. There was a night when three couples in this house, none of us got down before 10pm. None, so not like there was one left, none of you till 10 earlier. None of us till 10. Well, quick glass of wine, immediately to bed, exhausted. It'll be good because then kids can go to bed and we can hang out. Night everyone.

Yeah, just lots of just, they're are first people to come down like discussing whether the other people have just fallen asleep or whether they're still doing bedtime. One kid who wouldn't let their parents leave because I told them a ghost story that was a mistake, I will admit that. Now that is mad. Tell him, the mad bloke who's ordering his books from least to worst. Isn't that telling ghost stories of his wild wives? I should say this is a sell. It's not a good sell. Dan Schreiber, who we've had on this podcast, has written a brilliant book for my daughter

loves about impossible things for kids. And it's like paranormal for kids. That's what the book is. It's like, is the Loch Ness monster real? Oh, ghost real? All these fun things that my daughter likes. Murderous men live in Cornwall houses. Exactly. Yeah. And then I misjudged and I read it not just to my daughter, but to my

friend's son, who's maybe a bit more sensitive than my daughter. Yeah. But if your kids are interested in paranormal, get Impossible Things by Dan Schreiber for them. I've done that before where I've picked up like a niece and thrown her in the paranormal, get impossible things by Dan Schreiber for them. I've done that before when I've like picked up like a niece and uh thrown her in the air and gone on the bed that I used to do with my kids and then they just go ah and it's like oh no. Tell me about your bad bedtimes. Well my daughter's obsessed with fact books, she's completely obsessed and uh she just goes can I tell you my daughter my daughter my daughters

keep going daddy can I tell you something or daddy can I ask you, my daughter, my daughter, my daughter's keep going, daddy, can I tell you something or daddy, can I ask you a question? I'm sort of like, yeah, but you can just do it without asking before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good that they see you as a kind of a figure that's so distant that, you know, they can't have a conversation with you on a phone. That's stressing him out or panicking him. Well, you know, because just before bed last night night she went, do you know that Paul Hubbard, the American football

player invented the huddle where he got all the other players around him to tell him the place and no one could hear or see what he was telling him to do. I was like, no I didn't. But surely it should be a Hubbard, not a huddle. Did she think that was a kind of thing that's a specifically good one for you because you're into sport? No, absolutely anything she'll tell me. Oh, okay.

Come across the board. No, so basically she, the eldest just goes to sleep absolutely fine. Takes it a while to go to bed, but we'll just like pot her around her room and stuff. But the youngest like kept waking up and it got really bad on holiday where she was on holiday she was just sharing a bed with her sister. We were in like, it's sort of like a room, you know when it's like a hotel where like the bed, the sofa is a bed, but there's sort of a door to the bedroom that we had open, so it was like a one bed suite thing. They were on the sofa bed thing together. She was like,

oh, I want you, and she's a bit like, oh, lay next to me and stroke my arm and all that. And you're like, so we sort of just now go night and night and give her a quick arm stroke where when she was a baby, you would sit there age-ish stroking her arm. And then she went, oh, I want you to lie with me. Can I get into bed with you? And we're like, no, no, you can't do that. She went, I'm scared on my own. I'm like, well, you're not alone. You're with your sister.

And then she was, I'm scared with a lie on. I went, we'll put another lie on. She went, no, but I'll still be. And she was basically just scared the whole time. And what she wanted was to be in bed with Lou in a double bed, basically, or me, like, or in the middle of us. So what we, and then we'd go and ended up, we started to keep on laying with her in her bed, but then that didn't really solve it. So what we started to do was, she was

basically coming into our night, probably five times a night, coming into our bedroom like over the last two weeks. Luz had the worst of it because I don't hear it until Luz is already up. Oh my God. And I genuinely can't hear it. I'm not ignoring it. And then I'm like, can I help? As Luz already walk into the bedroom. But then what we've done is, and I don't need to, so basically getting into bed with her won't help

because that will never end. And we can't just keep getting into bed with her. Getting into our bed makes it worse as well. And I think what made it worse was when I was in America, Lou let her in our bed quite a lot. Cause when you're apparently alone. So it's Lou's fault? So it's Lou's fault?

No, no, no, not at all. Lou actually solved it anyways. So even if it was Lou that maybe brought it on slightly. Oh, so it was Lou that fault? No, no, no, not at all. Lou actually solved it anyway, so even if it was Lou that maybe brought it on slightly. Oh, so it was Lou that brought it on? Well, okay, someone's fucking peppered up, haven't they, little Mr. Book Organizers? Now loving life, riding this all straight into my relationship, jousting me apart. You've got to remember, Rob, that I am on edge and I'm lashing out. I'll take it, let me be your victim. But yeah, it was lose fucking full actually. And if she'd got her head into the game. No, but I would have done it. I do the exact same thing. Well, when you're in a double bed alone and your partner's away

and a kid comes in, rather than constantly walking them back, you go, right, I need to get some sleep. So what we started doing was when she'd come in, we'd not get angry of her because it's mean to get angry, even though we are frustrated. And at a point she did start to, it was naughty because it's like, she's constantly like, your bed's fine, it's all fine. So we'd go, okay, back to bed, back to bed.

And we'd just be almost like non-committal. So she'd get upset and be like, okay, no, I was back to bed and just keep constantly just ferrying her back to her bed and putting her in. And then when she'd come back into him, it's like, right, back to bed, back to bed. And keep constantly just ferrying her back to her bed and putting her in. And then when she'd come back in two minutes later, go right back to bed, back to bed. And when she sort of realized that we weren't going to get in her bed and she wasn't going to get in our bed, she sort of just accepted it and went to sleep and stuff like that. And then we said, if you don't

sleep all the way through, you can't have your iPad in the morning, which sort of was a bit of a like carrot and a stick. But she, um, she go like, but then what happened, the first time she wake up, we wouldn't be like, you can't have your iPad because she does, basically she wakes up in the night and she's scared. Yeah. And you can't, you don't want to make that work. No, and I don't want her to feel like she can't come into our room. So it's like, all right, come in, right back to bed. And if you wake up again and keep coming in, then you can't have your iPad. Cause she's a bit more aware of what's going on rather than

being the first thing. So anyway, we did that and it was graphed and Lou was doing most of it for about a week. And now like last three nights, she slept through all the night and she's when we went in the morning, she came in and she's like, I did it. She's not doing it to be mean or she's lacking in confidence. So it's actually sort of semi forcing her into her bed to redo it sort of it's given her a bit of confidence. Hopefully that's helped. But yeah, it's been hard work. And then we just got them to bed last night and both there, oh, we've had a nightmare with the tooth fairy and teeth coming

out. Oh yeah. So I've seen on Instagram where you tie a bit of thread around the tooth and then like tie it to a Nerf gun. What? And you fire the Nerf gun and then the tooth flies out. You know when it's on its last leg? Come on. Come on.

Have you not seen it? No. So you tie a bit of thread around it. You can't imagine. Back in the day you'd shut the door. I never understood how you tied a thread around a tooth, really. There's a scene in Men Behaving Badly. Did you used to watch Men Behaving Badly? Yeah. Where Neil Morrissey is

he's got a bad tooth and he's trying to yank it out by smashing a door and then there's all this blood. But I never, my teeth are too close together. For an adult obviously, but for a child, when they become, it's so, I can't express it. It's wobbly. It's so loose. I'll try and, I'll see. So did you do it? Well, no, we had an absolute nightmare. So. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. First of all, she wanted to do it in the scale-et tricks.

We've got some scale-et tricks. Ha my daughter. She's disappearing from the photograph. So I tied it around it and then we tried to do the scale electrics. Yeah. And as we did it, it just went ping and the thread just broke off the DeLorean. Of course. So then I tied it around a Nerf gun. Ping. So sorry, which is the Nerf gun. So sorry, which is the Nerf gun? What type of gun is a Nerf gun? It's like a big plastic gun that fires them little foamy bullets. Yeah, so are they strong enough to...

The reason I ask is because I'm surprised they're strong enough to pull out a tooth. I cannot express to you how loose this tooth was. And also, I saw it on the internet, which is a real example. You've seen, so you always say to Lou that you want to try things you've seen on the internet, don't you? Yeah, exactly. Right? Okay.

But then I tried it on a Nerf gun again and it pinged out, so I was like, oh, and then I said, oh, do you want me to just yank it a little bit? And then I yank it a bit, it doesn't come out, it's bleeding and she's just crying. And I'm basically being yanking on her tooth through the Nerf gun and all sorts. And in the end, when I yanked it, the thread broke but like at the top of the tooth. So then it just had a thread tied around it that was stuck there. Oh my god. Oh my god. So now she's crying and now there's actual thread just stuck around her tooth like in,

I'm like, I have boomered this. Yeah. She wanted to do it though. And she wanted to do it. And she wanted you to? I just left it. I couldn't get to it. Is it still there, the thread?

No, because luckily the tooth fell out last night. Oh, I think. And then another one, and then both of them, both their teeth fell out last night. And you didn't think about just tying the thread around the tooth and then just pulling it yourself? I did try that, but it didn't come out. But it looked so loose.

What about tying it to the bumper of your car? Yeah, Josh, okay. All great suggestions. I've got a five or six year old who's crying. Who's crying at the Nerf gun. If I go, right, I'm just going to try and attach this to the car. It was awful. It was like, oh, that'll be a bit of fun. I showed him the video on Instagram and then as in the midst of doing it, I'm like, Lou, I need your help here.

Then I've got like, I'm lying it down. I've got an idea Rob. Go to the tube station. The train pulls in, just hand a thread to someone within the train. And then you guys remain on the platform. Yeah, that'd be a great idea. Yeah. Yeah. We'll have to get a taxi to the train station. Then we'll get a fast train from our station. Oh, the fast train's even better. The fast train's even better. Oh no, it was just that it was a nightmare. Oh God, I'm sorry.

And then we've got a slime issue in the house. They went to a slime party. I saw Lou's post and I thought Rose would be fucking livid. And I think Lou is probably more worried about this than the very together tone of her Instagram. So the slime. First of all, I think slime should fucking fuck off. Right. Slime is awful, right? Or they just need to make something that doesn't suck. So we've got blinds, right? Blinds in our bedroom.

Yeah. I start putting the blinds up, right? As it comes up, I see a big weird circle thing hanging off of it. They'd left the slime on the windowsill and when I put the blinds down the night before, it had landed on the slime and connected. So now there's like a layer of slime on the bottom of the blinds that we pull up and down. I took that off. Anyway, and then last night they just left it on a table, The dinner table, it's got a lovely parquet sort of dinner table. Yeah, I loved it.

I loved the dinner table. It's a lovely table. Such a shame to have to replace the table. Well, the other thought is, it's not a bad color actually, the slimes left it. If I just get a giant bit of slime, I could do the whole table. That's one way to fix it.

Do you know what I mean? Rather than trying to get it in there. You'll never match the rest of the table to that little circle there, right? Because it was at a slime party, so I'd have to say to my daughter, right, you've got a big job. We need the exact same slime. You'll have to masking tape the area that's been slimed. Oh, oh, oh, god, that is awful, isn't it? Look, how would Rose deal with that? She's obviously very into her aesthetic. I don't know how you deal with that.

I think Lou might be right. You might have to sand it off and redo it. I can't sand the whole thing. Oh, as if I'm going to do that. There's so many jobs. I still haven't sorted my fucking light bulbs out. You still haven't what? Sorting my light bulbs out. The ones I did were wrong. Oh God. I've had, also I've had a terrible morning Josh. But you know, I'm trying to do my fitness

and eat healthy and exercise, right? Yeah. So my plan is to have a complete lifestyle change where now I'm a bit more educated on what I eat and I go to the gym. I try and go to the gym two to three times a week, okay. Or do some sort of form of exercise. All right. And I go to the gym now and I really enjoy it. I've actually started running. So now I can run up to half an hour on a treadmill.

Lovely. I even went to the park. That's good. Half an hour, Rob. Exactly. I was really to the park. That's good half an hour, Rob. Exactly. I was really, from nothing. Yeah, that's really good.

And now outside, I struggled to run outside because I feel like if the floor's not moving, why should I? You know what I mean? I've heard compliments, by the way. What about what? About your new bod. My new bod? Okay.

John Kearns, the comedian. Yeah, I was gigging with him. Yeah, very good. I was gigging with him last night. Great judge of character. Great, very aware, very astute as well. He thinks you're hilarious, which I found an interesting thing. I was thinking, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm very funny. Yeah, very good. I was gigging with him last night. Great judge of character, great, very aware, very stute as well.

He thinks you're hilarious, which I found annoying, but there we go. Well John's funny, don't take yourself too seriously, does he John, with some comedians too. No, yeah, exactly. He said that you're, he plays football with you every Tuesday, doesn't he? Yeah. Or most Tuesdays. He said your upper body strength,

holding off players has really improved in the last couple of months. Really? Okay, interesting. I've always proud myself of beating off men. Oh, there we go. Bit of fun in there, you know. Oh, that's very kind of him. Well, that's what I say. So I am actually, so since end of April, I've been going to the gym quite regularly now, all running and I'm really on it. So even on Sunday, I got up at six and took the dogs for a walk and I ran as well. So that's the first time I ran for a mile nonstop outside and I'm going to build that up each week.

Okay. And it was nice. It was six in the morning. No one was there so I could just get on with it. So I, like, so when I, basically I was 98 kilograms, Josh Josh and I got down to 91 kilograms before Rob so it's like seven kids has about a stone right and also I'm doing it really slowly and jets I'm still like going out for this. I'm not it's not really You're not hanging out with me. You wouldn't really notice that I'm on a diet or you know boring

No Exactly. I'm still doing stuff I want to get down to the weight I want to be at in about 80 months, two years time, but it's become part of my lifestyle, not crash dieting, okay? Yeah, because what you don't want to do is do something that is unsustainable in the long term. And so when you stop, you just go fucking hand me that wheel of cheese. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, exactly. Give me the wheel of word. So for example, I went to holiday and I put on a kilogram on holiday, which was pretty good. Considering you lost seven, you've got that to play with Rob. You've got that in your back pocket. I also went to Berlin on the piss and I had three pints of lager every lunch. Exactly. So you only put on a kilo, you're a bad parent, but you only put on a kilo. So terrible.'re only put on a kilo. So you can't be good at everything, right? No, exactly. So I get back and now I'm at 92 kilograms, okay? That was Monday of last week, right? Anyway, so since then I've been doing my calorie counting really on it for five, six days. And then at the

weekend, I'd like a couple of glasses of wine and a pizza, which is fine because that's part of how I do things, right? No, but that's fine. That's what I've been doing the whole way through. I'm just finding you out, right? I know, Josh, wait till you hear what's happened to me. Okay. Right.

So I was, remember I was on 92 kilograms on Monday, but I was on night yet. Anyway, so 92 kilogram, 92.6 kilograms last Monday. Anyway, so this week I played football on a Tuesday with John Kearns, absolutely marshaling the defense, beating men off. I also did two gym sessions for an hour, I was really going for it, proper ones. I also done two runs for about 25 minutes. So two gym sessions, two runs for 25 minutes, football and also I've done two dog walks, hour long dog walks and I also did another outdoor run on Sunday.

By Friday evening, I was 91.6 so I've lost a full kilogram, right? You check every day? No, no, no. I didn't, I just was like, I want to make sure that I am on it. And I normally check once a week, right? I was like, oh, brilliant. I'm on sort of track. The weekend, add a couple of grass-wise and pizza, nothing more or different than I've been doing all the other weeks. Anyway, I weighed myself this morning, because bear in mind, last Monday 92.6, by Friday 91.6, this morning 93.7.

Fuck it now, Rob. Were you nude? No, yeah, I was nude for all the weigh-ins, right? And then I was just so- I wish you hadn't been pictured like that now. My head, yeah, it's horrible being nude, isn't it, for a weigh. My head, I was up at 6am this morning, so I had to come up here to do this before I do a sub to go date this

afternoon. I was fucking livid, head completely wet. I was on point then, I was like, I'm gonna play dominoes now. Absolutely mental. You know, we're like, oh fuck it, it's like eating a cake. So then I started googling water retention, like some sort of fucking nan that's in denial. She's had a Vietnettia and then it's probably because of the heat. No, it's not nan, it's the Vietnettia you've had on your own at lunch.

So anyway, I don't know what's going on, but. Did you need a shit? I do feel like I need a shit. Yeah, I did need a shit. I didn't have a shit. Maybe it's water retention. I don't know what it is. It is erratic.

It is erratic. So you will go up for you. Two kilograms. Two kilograms is mad. From Friday to Monday morning. Are you bunged up? What? What in fact?

Bunged up with what? No, well, to be fair, I've just got to the voiceover building and I absolutely had a clear out so it might be a massive shit. Yeah, yeah. A four pound shit. My daughter was only five pounds when she was born. Let's hope it doesn't grow and end up in bed with you. Yeah, so Ed went completely, because I was just so on it. And so what have you had for breakfast today?

Nothing. That will solve the problem. Because I was just so on it. And so what have you had for breakfast today? Nothing. The old... That will solve the problem. Yeah, that will do. Just what I'll do is I'll get, I'll emotionally react to the weight. I won't have breakfast, then at lunch I'll treat myself with some mental amaz... No, I've got healthy food that I've prepped for today, but I'm not going to let it affect me. I'm going to have another good week and see if it all

balance out over the two weeks. And use it as a learning curve. Yeah. I had a bit a learning curve. Yeah. What's that? Is it a bustle? Why are they bust? They're always bustle on a Monday morning around your way. No, some fucking pricks having work done. Yeah, so that was my morning livid. Rob, I had a bit of a fitness disaster.

Four attention of real thing by the way. Yeah, because I get it. Do you notice it with your wedding ring? Like in the heat, my wedding ring is stuck on so much more. But would that make me more heavy? I think potentially it's a little bit of I needed a poo and a bit of water retention, because the maths don't add up Josh. Because on this plan, when I stick to the plan, I lose weight. Yeah, unquestionably. And if I don't, I know exactly what's going on. Rob, I got accused of being thick on Instagram, Rob. Thick as in T-H-I-C-C or lacking insight.

Oh, I don't know what that means. Oh, come on, meme alert. You want someone thick. I know, as in dense, as in idiot. No. Oh, Bunda means bum and thick, T-H T H I C's when someone's like thick, like solid and big and sexy. I didn't get accused of that. I've never been accused of being thick. That's why I thought it would be that, you know, but you got accused of being stupid or lacking intellect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stupid, lacking intellect. Yeah. Dunts. But yeah, yeah, alright. Ozo. Yeah, yeah. I've been accused of all of them. Ignorant. Cause I put on, yeah, so I put on Instagram, I don't understand why I weigh less when I wake up than when I go to sleep. And people said, it's because you haven't eaten in a while. That doesn't make sense. Because where's the weight going? Well, because you burn it off, won't you? But where is it going? How's it leaving my body?

You basically digest it and it goes into poo. Yeah, but that's still in my body. Yeah, but then some of it's been burnt up with acid or disappeared or the liquid's been soaked up. So apparently you lose a lot of weight Rob, through your breath, right? You're breathing out, you're breathing out. Feel lighter. Feel lighter. I'll wake Lou up tomorrow morning, weigh myself, dick flapping about.

Just breathe it out, Lou. So you lose it through your breath and sweat basically. Right, okay, I get you. Anyway, people accuse me of being thick for not knowing it's because you don't eat at night but the reason, that's not my point. Because anyway, my point is I had a run, Rob, in Cornwall. I said to Rose, I'm going to go, it was like drizzle. I was like, this is great for running. I like running in drizzle because it keeps you cool. I ran, I was like, I'm going to go down to the cove and then I'm going to run

across the cliff path. Oh bliss, it's supposed to be, you know, to the beach. Yeah. Right, so I ran down to the cove. How far is all this? So I ran down to the cove and then across the cliff path to the first beach, which is probably about three or four K, right? Oh. Yeah. Also down was a mistake. I hadn't really thought about this because obviously it's quite hilly.

So I got to the first beach, Rob. It was drizzling. It's like a small secluded beach. There was no one on it. And I'd run to it and I thought, this is the best run I've ever been on. Love it. This is fucking unbelievable. It's like beautiful run. I feel great. I've now got this beach to myself. I even ran down onto the beach, Rob. Oh, shoes off, have a dip. I ran along the beach on my own and I just shouted, Rob, into the kind of ether. What did you shout?

Just, aah! Did it feel good? It felt great, Rob. Was that after our Frank Skinner chat, do you think? Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was, yeah. It was unconsciously. It feels good to scream. It was a good scream. It was a good scream.

It was a good scream. It was a good scream. It was a good scream. It was a good scream. It was a good scream. It was a good scream. It felt great, Ross. Was it after our Frank Skinner chat, do you think? Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was. It was consciously. It feels good to scream, doesn't it? Yeah.

So then I was like, this run's not over. I'm going on to the next beach along the cliffs. Oh, okay. The biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. It's too far. Too far. And perilous mountain path. So close to the edge. So I couldn't even look out. I was like, and it started pissing down. And then I got to the next beach. And that beach was so much lower than our house that I then basically had to run uphill up a road for 15 minutes. I felt like I was in the Tour de France.

I would just like a sleep hit, oh yeah, a normal don't fuck about with Steve. It was, I had to stop twice. Hated myself for that. Hated myself for it. So you don't normally stop at all running, you sort of will plow on. Try not to because I find it actually makes it more difficult. Yeah, to get going again. To get going again. That's good though.

How is your fitness journey going? You happy? Good, yeah. I'm enjoying it actually. And when you go on holiday, I just try and enjoy the meals that you like. And then at breakfast maybe have a more sensible breakfast. But I'm trying to do what you're doing Rob. Anyway, Rob, tell me more about your two weeks. I tell you what, I'll tell you a couple of things. There's a couple of things I forgot

from a holiday. It was so hot when we were there. It was like 35 degrees, sometimes 36, 37. And there was one day it was really hot and we ended up on a table that was like outside, it was covered but it was still too hot to be covered and like the kids were like blood-red. It was on a sort of like balcony, wooden balcony bit near the beach and the kids was like blood-red and also they want their light. We let them have their iPad at lunch sometimes in the air-con like because they've been out in the pool for six hours, they don't you know and then we can have a drink and a chat. No judgement here. And they've been out in the pool for six hours, they don't you know, and then we can have a drink and a chat. No judgment here.

And I've been playing with them and anyway, I was so hot. And then but I basically this is great tip if you're hot, and you're really hot, crocs and ice, get some ice cubes and stick them in your crocs. How does it fit? Or do you put them in the holes? No, no, so just put them in like the bit where your soul would go and then you can just go there quite big, you can sort of slide them on top and then just like roll them back and forth from the plate and it was unreal. So, ice in your Crocs and also because they're rubbery, they won't get the shoes wet, they'll dry.

Do you think I need to join the Crocs Revolution, Rob? I genuinely think for holidays with kids and like around the house, you wear whatever you want, but for holidays, when you're like going to the pool, they're perfect. And then when you're going to the, in the sea, if it's stony or rocky, you can wear them. But also you can flip them on and off so quick. And if the kids want to do something

that's a bit more active, like if they're on a bike or if they're in the park, flip-flops, you trip over them, you can't really run where you can run in crocs. I think sandals are not comfortable. I've got some Birkenstock little slip on clog type ones with no back on the back. And they are, I like them because when I wear them,

I'm doing nothing. If I've got crocs on, I'm popping out to do the bins. I might have to put it up in the shed. With them on, I sit and I just shuffle around in them a bit like an old man. Are they those ones that everyone seems to have now that have got the... The media people have, yeah. That have got like the kind of leather bit at the front.

You can have leather ones or suede on the front. Suede, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ankle out a little bit of a buckle on the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, those little burp posts off. But they're lovely. Fucking out and you can't snooze for them. I know, but I can't, I wouldn't wear them into town.

Like today it's hot. I'm in London, I wore my trainers because I walk a wear them into town like today. It's hot. I'm in London. I wore my trainers. I walk a lot from the station and we're meeting up later. I might even go to the gym between my voiceover sessions and meeting us at our little meeting with you, me and Michael. I'm excited about our little meeting. Also, I had Wreck-It Ralph song on repeat 11 times driving the other day.

This is funny. This, so do you know Mr. Ugwai from Kung Fu Panda? Master Ugwai? Do you know him? Right. No, but yes, I can imagine. So I'd have, I just, they wanted to know what he said or something. So I Googled it ages ago and it was like a quote from Master Ugwai and they were going for my camera roll. You know when they get your phone and now they just know how to work it. And they're like just hammering through the camera roll. Let me see if I can find it.

And I look over at this point, I forgot that I've got a master Oogway who's like a turtle, a picture of him saved on my phone. I look over and they've zoomed in onto a photo and this is the photo I see. And I'm not saying there's a lot of rude photos on my phone. But this is what I see my children looking at zoomed in on my phone. Is that a peanut, Rob? No, it's not. It's Master Oogway's neck and head. But when you quickly look over, it looks like your children looking at a cock on your phone.

And now I realized the animators have made Master Oogway's head look like a cock on purpose, haven't they? Of course they have. For their own amusement. Can I ask you a Beckett's, can you make a judgment on this? Go on. So I haven't got any incriminating stuff on my phone because I'm a good guy. Yeah. Sure. However, she will just look at the photos on my phone for pleasure.

So I'll give her my phone to go, oh, look at this photo. Yeah. And it'll be a photo of, I don't know, something, you know, our kid doing something. And then she'll be looking at it and then she'll just go through all of my photos to look at all the photos to enjoy them. But I don't know whether you've got access to your partner's camera roll. know whether you've got access to your partner's camera roll free and... Oh, I don't think we've got... I don't think we share camera roll. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We don't share camera roll, but if she has my phone, she'll then look at all of the photos in my camera roll to look at our kids. But even though there's nothing bad on there, it still makes me edgy to have someone go through

my camera roll. No, also as well, there's stuff that's not. It still makes me edgy to have someone go through my camera roll. No, also as well. No, but there's stuff that's not, it's not going to be like you and Rose going at it, but there'll be like both of those. No, no, no, but this is Rose looking at it, not, not my, oh, you're putting the kids. Oh, sorry, I thought you meant the kids. No, no, no. Oh, right. No, but yeah, but it's more because it's something embarrassing, like a silly thing. Like me and one of my mates, we just said photos of each other's shits. Yeah, exactly, Rob. I would never do that.

I don't want to have to explain that. No, exactly. But when you marry someone, are they allowed to just go through your camera roll willy-nilly? I think so. And I think it's okay for you to be embarrassed about some of the stuff you see in there. But if you're worried that they're going to find something suspicious, then I think you're bigger problems. No, I'm not worried about something suspicious.

In case you've been texting someone. No, I haven't been texting someone, Rob. You've always texted. I'm not always texting someone. You love a WhatsApp group. I do love a WhatsApp group, but none of them are sexy. Okay. Mainly, it's just pictures of, you know, my camera roll is mainly photos of my children

and then screen grabs of social media by other comedians that I'm sending to other comedians. Fair enough, the best way. Yeah. We've run out of time now, but I'm going to tell you about what me and Lou were arguing about on holiday, which is quite funny. I forgot about it. I've just seen it in my notes. Well, shall we do that as a start on Friday?

That's exciting for listeners, isn't it? Oh, and have a little tease. And then let's do a quick small business shout out because we've spoke for ages here. Here we go. Hi Rob and Josh. I've been listening since the early days of lockdown and homeschooling and you are now a firm staple of my dog walks and ironing sessions. Please could you give my small business a shout out. The Jam Queen makes luxury jams and preserves in small batches using homegrown and locally

foraged produce as much as possible. Based in the beautiful Northamptonshire countryside, I pride myself on using the freshest and highest quality ingredients to make the best tasting jams with some fruit being jammed within minutes of it being harvested. I didn't know you could jam that quick. You can't get fresher than that. I recently won two gold and one silver awards for my marmalade to the World Marmalade Awards. Whoa. I started the business in autumn 2023, but I've been making preserves for over 15 years

and growing my own fruit and vegetables for the last five. Check out my website, thejamqueen.square.site. For nationwide delivery, I can be found on Instagram at the.jam.queen or Facebook, the dot jam dot queen or Facebook, the underscore jam underscore queen underscore. God, there's a lot of different things there. Do you want to do a small business?

Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I am writing in as I would love it if you could give a small business shout out to my friend Natalie. Natalie introduced me to your podcast a few years ago and we listen religiously. Our conversations often start with, have you

listened to The Most Recent Parenting Hell Yeah? We then proceed to have a good laugh about your super relatable anecdotes. Or slash judge both of us in different ways. Exactly, yeah. I invite that. Go for it. I wouldn't have given them an iPad in that situation. I think they're bringing on their problem themselves, if anything. Also, there must be a pool of water. It's very considerate to have the diners if old

fucking ice croc feet are swimming about as little trotters. And why has he got books that he doesn't want to read? Just don't read them. We're all different, all right? Nath is a super talented artist and has been doing pet portraits as a hobby for years. She's recently decided to make it a business, and it'd be great if you could give her a shout out to get things rolling. Lou may even like a portrait of your dogs, Rob. I love that. She might. I don't want to be.

She doesn't want to. She knows you don't want a portrait of your dogs. She knows Lou will. Anyway, you can check some of it. I've just put this into Instagram and she's fucking good, Rob. She's so good. I was looking at her grid and I couldn't work out on one of them whether it was the portrait or whether it was a dog, an actual picture of a dog. Instagram, at Natalie Garrett Art, N-A-T-A-L-I-E G-A-R-R-E-T-T. So it's double T at the end of Garrett Art

or on Facebook at Natalie Garrett Art. Thanks so much and please don't ever stop the pod. Heidi. Well, Rob. Josh, I'll see you on Tuesday. I can't wait. Friday, Friday. Friday. And I'll tell you about Lou and you can tell me

about Cambridge. Yeah, bye. Friday. Friday. Friday. I'll tell you about Lou and you can tell me about Cambridge. Yeah. Bye. Bye. Hello, it's me Jessica Knappett and here, here, here, here, brand new podcast alert. I've got a new show for you. It's called Perfect Day. And yeah, you've figured out the premise already haven't you? Because you're so smart and because it's obvious. Every Thursday I interview a guest about what constitutes their perfect day so if you like hopes and dreams, fantasies and sweet memories you're gonna love this stuff. Ah we have got so many lovely funny nice people on. You're Ramesh stuff. Ah! We have got so many lovely, funny, nice people on.

Your Ramesh Ranganathan's, your Dolly Alderton's, your Jamali Maddox's, Arabella Wish's doing it. Don't worry about the quality of the guest. Just worry about when you're gonna listen to it. Or don't worry about when you're gonna listen to it, just actually listen to it. See you soon. Jess Knapp here, signing off. Wishing you a perfect day. See you soon!