Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP63: It's hard being a parent (but only if you care)

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

S8 EP63: It's hard being a parent (but only if you care) More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond... with Rob and Josh. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday.  Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of

course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parent in hell with Tennessee can you say Rob? Rob? Beckett? Beckett. Can you say Josh? Josh? Widicum? Widicum. Can you say Sexy?

Sexy. Michael. Michael. Nice, good girl. Wow, there we go. Gil. Sam Wallace Long. That's a bit Essex.

Harlow, yes, Essex. Gil. The kids, called Tennessee. Fucking great. What's for short, ten, tenny? Should we hear that again? Did she say Tennessee at the start? Tennessee, can you say it well?

Tennessee or Tennessee? Tennessee. It's spelled like the place. Memphis. Yeah. This is my two and a half year old Tennessee attempting all your names. This is the third attempt at the intro.

My eldest, then three, now seven, had to go in the early days of the pod. Then I sent a recording of my middle daughter, two, now four, two years ago. Fuckin' hell, this is like a logic problem. Alabama and Florida State. So I wanna see if she's more successful than her sisters. She has been, she's got through.

Also, I wanna thank Rob for a small but kind gesture on Instagram a couple of months ago. Oh God, what's this? Is it a slide in someone's DM? I asked for a dick pic and he sent it back straight. I was having a very difficult day parenting and was also mid-cycle so had some crazy hormones. He booked us into a hotel together. And I... I tagged Rob in my story about my hard day and crying over a rat getting hit by a car. That's quite funny. Rob reposted a lovely little message

which not only gave me a confidence boost but also gained me some new followers to my little mum blog stroke review page. So thank you. Can't wait to see giraffe in. Oh, where will she be? Colchester? No, I think you recorded your last special there. blog stroke review page so thank you can't wait to see giraffe in oh well she be Colchester no I think you're a special there South End South End and waiting patiently for tickets to see Josh will never know thanks for all the

laughs Sam in Rob can you guess Harlow in Essex yes yeah I tell us a good theater Thameside theater in Greys in Essex oh yeah some bit of a shitty building the actual theory inside amazing oh well perfect for comedy but Temside Theatre in Greys in Essex. Oh yeah. It was a shitty building, the actual theater inside's amazing. Oh well. Perfect for comedy, but they've started doing comedy now. Like 300 theatre, so check it out if you're in Greys. You should put a gig in there Josh.

I should. Do you wanna know a story about a shitty building Rob? Always, always. It's what we're here for innit? So I took your advice. Okay. And took my daughter to the trampoline park. Yeah, yes, you mentioned this to me. They love it gets a lot of energy out

Absolute so I took her and her friend. Yeah, it was a very wholesome morning. Yeah drove there We listened to Taylor Swift all the way I can see you're in the t-shirt. Yeah. Yeah, I've got me Taylor Swift top on Yeah, I'd booked it all in advance got there. I don't think it's on for me to say, you know, which it was. Well, yeah, you said we went to that one and I was like, oh, that's one of the shit ones, because there is different levels of quality of trampoline park. And you went to a terrible, a really bad one. I've not heard my daughter express stuff like this before, really,

where she's expressed quite an adult opinion. But when we were walking up to it, I heard her say to a friend, so I was nice as I thought it would look and then they were going maybe it'll be nicer on the inside and like they were grown-ups like kind of taking in the area Rob and a couple trying to convince themselves their Airbnb's okay you know and it's like that an old cinema that style thing with the steps yeah so it was rough Rob yeah we got in there's a foyer there's one person on the foyer it's like the sticky floor you know it's seen better days we go in I have never seen so many signs saying currently out of use in my life

you beat the wrong one mate yeah No wonder my daughter and her friend had it totally to themselves. Did they enjoy it? They had the time of their life. They do love it kids don't they and it tires them out. They fucking loved it. They fucking loved it. I Rob, the cafe was closed. Oh that is unacceptable. Talk about free money. I know. Because if you're there watching, everyone's gonna have a tea or coffee. So then that was 10 a.m. when it opened, right? I was there bang on, like when it opened, 10 a.m.

As it approached 11, I was like, surely? You know, I was counting down to 11 with hope. Was there a sign saying 11? No, I just, I was just thinking that, yeah, yeah, yeah, in my head I just invented it. Well, probably 11. Should drive me through. 11.05, the lights come on in the cafe.

Right. I go up, absolutely gagging, can I have a tea please? They don't do tea. They've got one of those machines that just does coffee on a button. Oh, God. They're like when you work at Sainteries in the canteen, how you sell one of them machines.

Cover bottle of water. No, we don't do bottles of water. Who doesn't sell bottles of water? They don't do bottles of water. So I went back down, I just sat there, because I didn't want like a tango to start my day. Do you know what I mean? But they sold other drinks.

Yeah, they sold, you know, the fluorescent fizzy drinks. Why no water? No water. A full school party comes in then, takes over. So it's my daughter and her friend and then 30 kids from a school party. Yeah. I see a woman get a jug of water,

like a pitcher of water and some plastic. So you know like when you used to get a six point pitcher from a- Yeah. I then had to go off and I just got a six point pitcher of water for myself. Oh you went and did it yourself. Because that was the only way I could get access to water.

Did you have to ask for the picture? Yeah, I said, can I have some tap water? And he came back with a six-point picture of tap water. I didn't see my daughter or a friend for the whole thing. They had a good time. It was rough. You've just picked a bad run there. I have, yeah.

I don't think we should name these. No, I'm not going to name them, which is unfair. There's a lot of negative press around them already, but. Then is't think we should name these trampoline parks. No, I'm not going to name them because it's unfair. There's a lot of negative press around them already, but... Yeah. Is it unfair or should we tell people to stop? No, no, no, no, no, because I'm not a consumer champion. They'll know when they arrive. It's not the best one.

The one near us. I'll get AirJump near us. I had to buy the fucking socks. Oh yeah, the socks is all trampoline parks are scum for this. That AirJump near us is quite a good one. Yeah, so I'm going to go again. My daughter loved it, but fuck me. Yeah, you've picked a rubber. And my addiction to tea is bad. What happened? So you can't have tea.

What's happening to you? You're getting ratty. You're getting annoyed, jittery. You're trying to all drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All those. All those. It's just feeling like fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm having a very stressful morning if this will help you with your lack of tea.

So we're going away for a couple of days. I've got some quite stressful filming this week that I can't say what it is, but you know what it is and you're absolutely buzzing. So I'm quite anxious about that because we've got to wait for, I had to drop the dogs off this morning, but like at 7am, so I had to get up at half six to drop them off because Lou's got meetings in town today. So she had to go and go up to London for a meeting, but obviously the kids are here. So I had to drop the dogs off and get back in time for Lou to leave the house to get her train up into London. And then the kids are here,

there's the kids are in the other room at the moment playing Lego, I think. And then I'm doing this. And then when this finishes at 12, I've got to get all the, me and all the kids up to London, because I've got meetings all afternoon and me and Lou are having a handover at BBC Cafe Nero. Oh, I know the exact Cafe Nero.

Yeah, so she'll have finished her work stuff, then I've got to start my work stuff. We've got to do a handover, so it's quite like, you know when it's like, they're not dressed yet. Yeah. I'm hitting my summer holiday limit already and it's still a month to go. Oh God, how long are you going away for? Only a couple of days. Have you got planned for most of the summer holidays? We've got planned a little days away here there and stuff like that But it's sort of like but the problem is obviously we're still working

So the balance of and I'm trying to go to the gym and exercise and be healthy. It's so hard to have a job Look after your kids properly. Lou said this other day we go. it's hard being a parent, but that's only if you care. If you don't care, it's actually quite easy being a parent. Totally. Cause you just don't give a fuck and let them do whatever they want. So it's like, when people go, I find it quite easy.

You go, yeah, but you're raising these little rats that just do whatever they want. That Daley Thompson documentary. I'm only half an hour in, right? Yeah. He's with his son and he's like, oh, I didn't do any bloody parenting. They're like joking about how, oh, so selfish.

I didn't do any parenting when you were growing up. And the kid just sat there with his head down. Yeah. And you're like, fuck it. Now though, if I want to go to the gym, it's like trying to negotiate and going out for a night out. You know, I was going to go to the gym because the kids are off. It's like, I was going to go to the gym actually after breakfast.

But like, well, if you do that, because you're going to the theatre later. So if I got you, but you want to go, you want to do Pilates. And it's like, I'm not even trying to organise anything, fuck! I hate that. Like, I'm not going on the piss or going to the football. I am using my good time to do something I don't want to do. I know! That doesn't count, surely?

I know, but it does count because you run out of hours. I know, it's so unfair. I took the dogs out for a walk right the weekend, Josh, and our neighbour, our lovely neighbour, showed us some of the walks around it, because I don't know the area that well. Yeah. And I'm keep going on the same walks and they're busy,

but he knows some really good walks through like proper countryside, through all the public footpaths. And he was like, yeah, but I know the routes to go where you're not actually on a, I don't like being on the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's scary. I hate being on the road.

So, occasionally you have to go on the road for like 20 meters and then cut back onto the thing. Anyway, so he showed me and I've just got like shorts, t-shirts, quite hot and he's got his dogs, I've got my dogs. Are you walking them together? Yeah, he went, I'll show you the route I go on normally, so I'm just following his route and we're having a chat. Lovely, I really get on with him. Anyway, we're going along and then like, he's just got shorts as well and it's so like bushy everywhere now because it's the summer and the council doing that thing where they're trying to save money so only cutting it back a little bit but also the further in the countryside go the less the council

sort of do stuff and also now it's all that environmental rewilding thing they go we're only cutting it back so that the wildlife can live and grow. So what is this on the road or on a path? No, this is in the public, you know, footpaths. Right, OK, sorry. They become really overgrown, right? Which is sort of fine. But it gets to the point where I'm just sort of walking through a bush, it feels like, because it's not a path anymore.

Like Homer Simpson, isn't that me? Yeah, yeah, like that. It's like that, right? And it's getting narrower and narrower. And if I was on my own, I'd be like, well, what's going on here? Or should we go back the other way? Because he showed me the walk and he's so used to it. And if I was on my own, I'd be like, well, what's going on here? Or should we go back the other way? But because he showed me the walk and he's so used to it, he's just plowing through, Josh.

And he's got shorts on. But I'm like, you know when you get stung by one sticky nettle, it's like, oh, cool, oh. And it's like one raised red dot. Hate it stinging now. Yeah, but I'm like wading through it like it's the ocean. Oh gosh. And it's up to my knees.

I was like, ah, ah. And he's like, you all right, buddy? I was like, yeah. And at one point, you know, they're really like thick, like thorny ones. He's like ripping my shirt and he's just bolted. I don't think he's got a feeling in his legs. And did he reference it? No, he didn't reference it. But like, Josh, I come home and he went, what's wrong with your legs? You okay? Like, it looked like I'd been like, I'd rubbed bleach on them. Fuck. And I'm still itching. But he plowed through them. Are you going to do it again on your own that route?

Would you do it in trousers? Yeah, I did it in trousers the next day. In my pair of Real Madrid jogging bottoms. And it was too hot. I was too hot. And what are the dogs like in that situation? They're hating it! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Josh, I can't express to you how tight it is. It's like the, the whippets are struggling. Why did you do it again? Because it's a good walk, it's just about like, it's too much but with trousers on it's doable because it's just like, just walking through a stinging little bush for 100 meters with your legs, and he made no noise. And did you dot leaf the stinging nails? Did I? Fuck, he's already up and I'm real. I was following him. The stock leaf, the stinging nails. Did I fuck, he's already up another hill. I was following him.

He's older than me, like he's a bit older than me, but he's an absolute power horse. He's up these steps and he went these 200 steps uphill. You all right with that? I'm like, well, I'm fucking here now with two dogs. What do you want me to do? I can't go anywhere else. I don't know where I am.

Oh, it was awful, but yeah, it's quite funny though. But I was like, has he not felt his legs? Well, Rob, obviously summer holidays, day trips, a go-go. Yes. I went to film, what should I film in a gladiator's, Rob? Sorry, I'm gonna hear you cry. One sec. Are you all right, girls?

Yeah, I'm feeling fine. Fuck it. Fuck it. I love that bit. See, the thing about parenting is if you don't care, then you're about parenting. Yeah, I feel the fun. Ha! Fuck it. Fuck it. I love that bit. See, the thing about parenting is if you don't care then you're a bad parent. That was easy, wasn't it? That was easy.

That was easy. They're having a fight upstairs like an errand, but I've just picked the ignorance is bliss. Parenting's quite easy. Why? Because I'm not doing it. And I'm not saying I'm perfect, but if you want to be good at it and be on top of it, it's graft. If you don't give a fuck it is quite easy.

Well that's the thing about this podcast Rob, I don't think we'd be having a bad time if we weren't trying. No. Like I don't think we'd be finding it difficult if we weren't like giving it our all. Because I hear it sometimes on other podcasts or comedians talking we're like you just want to be like you know the dad's like moaning about his kids stuff like that it's just like do you know why you don't moan because you do fuck all. I know you yeah I know what you're up to your wife does everything like it's 1972 so why don't you wind your fucking neck and no wonder you got nothing to whine about you fucking prick. And do you know what we've

interviewed a few of you and I can hear it in your voice as you're desperately searching for an anecdote. I've interviewed some of you I know you've got two nannies all the time and your kid's about 15, you lazy fucker. So you were gladiators. So I organized a trip to gladiators, Rob. Yeah. And basically, Rob, so he got to a situation where my daughter wanted to invite friends, obviously, and that was you need to invite friends because obviously, otherwise, it's a long day. Yeah.

Do you take your youngest? No, it's five plus. Yeah. So if she's with her pals, it's funny. Yeah. It's a long day yeah. Did you take your youngest? No it's five plus. Yeah so if she's with her pals it's fun. It's a long old recording Sheffield isn't it? So I'll take you through the whole thing. Did you go for a day? Yeah yeah Rob I'll take you through the whole thing. It was her and three of her friends right. Jesus that's a commitment right. No no no we took the parents came. Oh right okay I was. I was going to say fucking hell. Five AM pick up. Let's go and get them all in an Uber. And their siblings, right?

Right. And train up. That's fine. The week before, you know, I've started the WhatsApp group. Basically, we got offered these tickets because I got them through. I was asked my agent if we could get gladiator's tickets because obviously they know the production company. And then you're on the camera giving it away if josh willeck and his family's here too well there we go that'll do like cliff richard at wimbledon yeah exactly there was a break in filming i did a sing song there was a fucking break in filming i'll tell you that so anyway get the email for the week before arrival time 10 3030am. That's early. Wrap time 8.30am. 10 hours. Are you fucking kidding me?

I couldn't believe my eyes. I was like well they're doing two episodes right so we'll just go up for the first episode and come home. So I asked my friend who works in it and they're like no no no that's how long it takes. Oh my god. I was like, well, we can't get there for 10.30 because we've, we were originally told filming starts at 12.30 before we got the info. Yeah. So anyway, basically, we managed to agree because we couldn't get there. We booked our trains. Yeah.

Get there at half 11. Just a mere nine hours. You're hoping to get there about that, have a bit of lunch, then go in for about 12.31 ish. Yeah. So you get there, Rob. It's a full fucking arena of people. It's fucking massive. It's like no TV record you've ever been to. You sit down, they'd made a banner, my kids. Not my kids, my daughter and her friend. What's the banner say?

It said justice for the Guilford Six, strangely. No, it said dynamite go or go dynamite or something like that. Oh dynamite's their favourite. Yeah I mean I didn't know that but fine. It was fucking massive this banner Rob. It was so big. It was so big that it stretched over more than our row and other people had to hold the end of it. Yeah that's slightly unacceptable isn't it?

It was a mistake. Especially when you've already got 28 people up there. I know, fucking hell, Rob. So things to know about Gladiators if you're going, it's a fucking brilliant day. Yeah. It is long, but the- You have to queue up, you're not guaranteed entry. If you aren't in the industry,

Yeah, yeah. and getting favorable treatment, you just have to queue up and hope to get in, don't you? Well, that's the same with any TV show. Yeah, and it's more chance for Gladiators though, because it's an arena. Yeah, they oversell every TV show for fear that it won't, because the tickets are free. I got sent away from QI once.

Yeah, but that was just because you'd been- Ow. So they book the TV, they overbook them. So do turn up early, right? Yeah. The food, Rob, is what you would expect in an arena. Yeah. I've never before had to eat both lunch and dinner

in an arena. Of course, you're trapped. You're trapped. Also, when I go to an arena, sometimes I don't even have dinner. I do want to have dinner, I don't want to eat. I don't want to subsist for nine hours from an arena. So what did you have for lunch?

Pizza. What did you have for dinner? I had nachos. Nice. Which is basically I had nachos. Nice. Which is basically pizza on nachos at the end of the day. Pizza on hard bread. This hard pizza.

It was tough to have food, so try and smuggle in some food would be my tip. Right, smuggle in a pack of lunch if you're going. We got to M&S at the station. Yeah. And I was just like, I just need some fucking vegetables. Oh, on the way back? On the way back. I was just like, oh, you can survive

on a pizza and nachos one. No, I know you can survive, but you feel a bit. I think food affects you more than other people. I'll send you what I bought on the, you'll enjoy this. I took a photo of what I bought at the station, everyone else on the beers. So all the way home, you got a gut shot. Zoe gut shot from M&S.

Super green salad, mixed olives with cheddar, charcoaled artichokes, a sparkling water. Also, you don't need a millionaire shortbread, you fat bastard. I know, but I was just giving myself a drink. Oh, the foods have been a bit unhealthy. I had pizza, then naturally it was a disaster after I got there four hours later than everyone else. Then you got a bit of fucking chocolate shortbread. Millionaire shortbread you fucking bastard. What did you have first? The caramel millionaire

shortbread or the gut shot to help you gut out? What did you have first? I finished on the millionaire shortbread. Sprinkle that over the soup of green salad. Yeah all right. What time did you get home then late? So Rob, it got to the end. Yeah. Right? We were ahead of schedule. The night before I'd finished at nine, our train was at nine, oh one. Yeah? Yeah. We booked our cabs.

We thought it would be quicker, cause last night was the first one. It'll be quicker. Yeah. We booked our cabs for eight fifteen, ten minutes to the station. Bang, we're fine. I had a schedule going into the last event

before the eliminator. And then it was an event they had never done before. Oh. And it took so long to set up, Rob. That is a tip. If you ever go and watch a TV record, always go for the later in the series ones, because one, they've lost a little bit of love for it

by the end of the series, like any job. They're just knocking them out. They're just knocking them out. And then also they practiced and rehearsed it all with the team so they know what they're doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, by the end, Rob, we had to leave between the two eliminators. Oh, so you didn't see all the eliminators? No, and we had to sell it to our childreners.

The thing is, it'll be exciting to watch the women's eliminator on TV and not know the result. Oh, so you picked the men's, did you? Interesting, okay. Well, no, no problem. Daddy needs a gut shot, let's go. Daddy needs a millionaire shortbread. Can't watch women succeed. Can't take two young women up to gladiators just to watch men and then leave.

So wrong. Daddy doesn't want nachos anymore. You chose the women because the men was first. I didn't have the power to say, could you do the women first? Right, yeah, sure. Because I've already got here late and now I don't leave early. I didn't have the power to say, could you do the women first? Right, yeah, sure. Cause I've already got here late and now I don't leave early.

I wasn't late, I wasn't late. I was on time. And how did you sell that to them? Did they take that? They were so tired by this point. Yeah, I mean that is too long a day. Also, can I just put in a thank you to the production team?

Cause I texted one and said, can we meet some gladiators? Oh yeah. So they came and they were like, how many children are you? Eight children, Rob. It was. Eight children. So many children.

One adult, me. Two of you and eight children. Me and eight children. Backstage at the BBC. At the Pied Piper. It was quite weird. Let's go to the gladiators changing rooms. There you go.

Safer than the newsroom, straight ahead kids. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It was very exciting, they met all the gladiators. They got their foam hand signed, you get a foam hand. Oh wow. Your glad hand. Are you not just there there going like, you as a kid, if you'd got the opportunity,

your head would explode and that. Your daughter's getting to do that and I feel like they just don't appreciate it yeah, totally you don't get this cuz When we got home Rose bought herself a t-shirt gladiators t-shirt for herself got home No, when we were there Rose bought gladiators t-shirt for herself, then she was wearing it the next day Oh, right. Yeah, and my daughter was like I didn't get gladiators t-shirt and you're like mate You've got a glad hand. Yeah, You got to meet all the gladiators.

But did Rhodes go to the merch stand without your daughter? No, it was when we were buying the glad hands. So yeah, so she could have had a t-shirt. All the kids just wanted glad hands, but it was just the next day. However much you give a child, Rob, they won't. They always want more. They always focus on what they haven't got, Rob. I should say, it was a pleasure to meet the gladiators. What are

they like? They just call each other by their gladiator names and all the production team call them by their gladiator names. They're very much in character all the time. It's quite weird because they're in skimpy outfits and they're all quite orange like they're fake tanned. Yeah. And you're just stood there like a nerd, going, and they're twice as big as you. Yeah, but you're used to that by now. I don't feel like you've gone, well, normally I'm the alpha guy in the room,

all of a sudden I feel a bit better. Normally there's people quivering in the corner when I walk into them. We got home at quarter to midnight and the kids didn't sleep on the train. No. That was a fucking interesting train journey, I tell you that for free. Why? Well they were just mental.

Too excited, overtired, going mad. Just overtired, too excited, absolutely off the hook. I will admit, we put the kids on one section of tables and us on a different one, but what are you gonna do at that stage in the day? Yeah, no, that's fine. Yeah, but it is a great day out. I would say take some snacks. I'd say get a hotel for potentially the night before

or the night of. Yeah, but. Make a weekend of it. Yeah, I suppose, because we had a kid at home. Obviously. Yeah, yeah to get back Yeah, and it is difficult saying you can't come to gladiators. So it's a great day out It's so much more brutal in the flesh than you think it's gonna be really it's like proper. They don't hold back It's like a proper, you know when you see a sport it live and you're like, this is hard and fast and it and high Like the edge is so high up, like everything's got heights and stuff

and the whole thing you go, this is so much harder than real life. But then when they're doing like that Powerball one are they properly rugby tackling them? Yeah, one of the guys got absolutely smashed into the box of balls. Like there was two injuries to contestants. They both played on,

but both picked up injuries during the show. Yeah, their weights look a bit injured, don't they? Yeah. It's fucking brutal. I'll have to take the kids. Just, I would advise anyone to go, because you think it's going to be a long day, but Stuart Holden, the warm-up, does, I would say, the most difficult job in telly.

He does about six hours of entertainment. Oh, that is brutal. The kids actually enjoy the warm-up, because he's doing stuff like firing t-shirt cannons having parents dance contests doing like pass the ball around the arena there's all kinds of fun going on it's great love it okay it's the best show on tv isn't it really big fan big for kids i love strictly as well mass singer yeah yeah but they're the faves do you like strictly do you oh yeah not enough to do it. Not anymore. You know, I'd rather do Gladiators, less chance of

injury on Gladiators. Ah, here we go! Come on. Right. Satire. Tell me about your week. Well, to be fair, the kids last week went into a summer camp thing, like it was like nine till three or four or something, in the day of doing musical theatre, acting, performance stuff. I'll give them a proper small piece of shout at the end, but it's a place called Atelier Conti, if you're heard of that? Oh yeah, do you know what? Yeah. That is like a famous one, isn't it?

Because a lot of the EastEnders people go there. Yeah, so I think there's a few, like Telecom is like a brand and there's a few of them dotted around. But honestly, I've sent our kids to loads of different things in their time, like the ballet stuff or football camps or summer camps. But these, the people that run it were proper, like people that have been in West End shows,

TV shows and stuff that are really passionate. And the girls loved it. I was a bit like, worried about booking it. Cause I was like, oh, if they don't want to go and then they loved it. There was a tuck shop, which I think was their favourite. And you can give them like a fiver for the week to spend. Like in the, so each day gets something.

My youngest burnt through that in the first day. Well, that's a lesson for you. And what do you do in that situation? Did you hold firm? We just laughed and give her some more money. You can't. No, she's sick. She's learning.

We was like, you can't do that every time. Yeah. But they, yeah, so Italia Conti, they absolutely loved it. I'd give them a small business shout at the end. Who went to Italia Conti? I'm sure there's like quite a good... Well, around my way, it's Italia Conti and the Brits. Yeah, the Brits school.

Alumni, that's what you have to say. I don't really know what it is, but I know that they have a course. There must be a big centre of it. Here you go. Do you wanna know who went? Go on. Wendy Richard, Pauline Fowler.

Nice. Noel Coward. Anyone from the last 50 years? Noel Coward. Noel Coward. Boy, the telecom company's been going on ages, hasn't it? Karen Gillan, she's Doctor Who's assistant. Right. Daniel Mays, you know Daniel Mays, we had him on Smart TV.

Is it an actual school and then they do courses around the country? There is a school, yes, and this is a spin-off. I get ya. Pixie Lott. Pixie Lott, look at this. Oh, Martine McCutcheon! Martine McCutcheon, look at this! Yeah, because it's like East London, a lot of them end up in like EastEnders. Well, do you know what I think-

Johnny Briggs, Mike Baldwin, Lisa Snowden. Do you know what it is I found? Bonnie Langford. Should I stop? Yeah. Louise Redknapp! Claire Sweeney? Carry on. It was a lot more fun and chilled where sometimes any sort of performance and drama stuff, which is what used to put me off, it can be a bit snobby.

So it was a bit more chilled. And they did the performance that they did and they basically do weekend courses, this Italia Conti Chiswurst, and then they do a summer camp thing, but the summer camp thing's in my old school. Oh wow. And they did an immersive theater thing when it was like, it was Cowboys. Oh wow. And then you were going around the school, and then in each, they had a big performance at the end.

Did you have to go around the school? Yeah, so I basically got a whistle stop tour of like my old P.E. Oh wow. I went into the hall, I had to do the bleep test. It's horrifying. But it was really good. Then there's a shout at the end, but it was so hot.

But there was this guy, he seemed like a nice guy. But you know when people try and do like small talk. I don't think it was because I was off the telly, it was doing it to my father-in-law who was there as well. You know, some people just liked to. And so was this one of the kids? Or was this? No, no, no, one of the parents, right? Matthew Kelly, sorry.

Some people just like to have a little, oh, here we go, a bit of fun between this yeah I mean I'll you know when you're in a queue someone will be like yeah yeah so I don't this out that's a blonde that bloody cared about the shit yeah we go here we go nice stuff so I was walking around and he first I overheard him said to my father-in-law then he said it to me just because he was in the PE room and behind us was some equipment but we're really paying attention but then the kids were acting out this scene of cowboys and farmers and singing them whatever he leans over to my father-in-law going, how much do you want

to jump on that crash mat? And my father-in-law goes, pardon? Your father-in-law who presumably is what 65, 70 whatever. 65 and like quite a quiet, if he was lined up you wouldn't go he wants to check. I wouldn't go he wants to jump on a crash mat. No, you wouldn't even want a conversation, very polite, quiet man. You have met him, nice bloke. Lovely bloke, but he's just chilled, isn't he? And also like, there's no obvious crash mat

and there's no kids jumping on crash mats. So where was the crash mat? I didn't even see the crash mat, but it was like, must have been behind, but like it weren't in a position where people were jumping on it or where it looked cosy or it was like the kids were on normal ground playing.

Anyway, I thought that's a bit of a weird thing for him to say to Mick. Then I go around the corner and then we're in another room Then leans over to me goes How much did you want to jump in that crowd? To me again, I'll go I coach not doing it. I'm like, why am I pretending we all need to And it was a really hot day So if it was we walked past ice cold drinks, he went how much do you want to crack one of them open? and he went, how much do you want to crack one of them open? Did he?

Oh no, no, no, sorry, sorry. That would make sense, wouldn't it? You'd go, oh yeah, call his heart on it, as if to go, I don't really fantasise ever jumping on crash mats. It's not a thing, if it's a really hot day and there's water in it, oh, how much would you have to jump in the sea right now? He should go to Gladiators. He will be fucking wanking himself silly,

looking at all those crash mats. It was just way as I thought, how much do you want to jump? I thought, no one wants to jump, I'm really hot and I'm watching my kids sing. I don't want to jump on a crash mat. Can I ask you a question, Rob? Comedian to comedian. Comedian to comedian, yeah.

So obviously his crash mat thing, that's bad chat. Yeah, yeah. But what's your policy on, say you're in a situation and you come up with a funny observation and you say it to one person and they laugh. Do you then go and think, I'm gonna go again on this? Is that enough for you? Or are you going, I might try that again

on that other group over there now. Look, if I think it's really funny, I'm trying that on everyone. Yeah, me too, me too, me too. If it's like a little crap pun, I'm like, ah, it's a pun, it's a cheap one. But if it's actually really fun, I'm like, I'm going to get on this. Yeah.

You just work around the playground. Yeah. But this is why I'm trying to drink less. If I've had a few drinks. Yeah. Even if it's shit. Yeah. I'll tell everyone twice.

But sober, I can hold back on just one good. And yeah, good. Just checking, just checking for a friend. I got really embarrassed as well at the school that not the school gates but this musical theater gate thing yeah anyway so my youngest daughter who's not sleeping again she just keeps saying I'm scared and won't go to bed and last night I was so tired I went to bed at half nine because I knew I had a busy day she woke me up twice at 10 and half 11 she hadn't been to bed yet and I've been a bed tell her if you don't go to sleep you're're not gonna get into the Italia Conti like Sharon Osbourne or Sadie Frost. Is that she's got?

Yeah. Tracy Allman. Anyway, so she didn't want to do the dancing part. She likes the acting and the stunt training and a bit of singing. Oh, fair enough, don't do the dance. We're telling you don't do the dance. And she sat out a couple of the dances,

but did some of the line dancing, right? Anyway, so when she was sat at the dancing, there was a guy there called Rob who was taking photos. So he was letting her do photography while they were dancing. Good bloke. She really liked this Rob guy. She said, my dad's called Rob, he's called Rob Beckett.

And then my daughter said to me, and then he said to me, is he the Rob Beckett? Are you the Rob Beckett? What's the Rob Beckett? Did she not know what that meant? No, so he went, what the Rob Beckett? And she had no idea what that meant. She was like, no, he's Rob Becket. My six year old and his grownups having this sort of slightly awkward conversation.

I went, no, it went, I'm not the Rob Becket. I'm just Rob Becket, but dad and just sort of didn't really properly explain it. But she sort of knew it was something that was a bit embarrassing. Yeah. Like a bit awkward to being called and sort of clonked. Anyway, we had this conversation at home that morning and it was sort of covered. Done. Yeah. Anyway, we get to the school gate. All the other parents and kids are stood waiting around. She looks at me and at the top of her voice, grinning goes, daddy.

Oh no. I go, yeah. It goes, are you the Rob Beckett? Oh, fucking hell. Oh God. She obviously knows it makes you feel a little squirm a little bit. I was like, ah, no, I'm just like, there's people running and pissing themselves. Then also it looks like you're going, could you say that so I can look normal? Like, no, I'm just one there just people running around pissing themselves. But then also it looks like you're going... Could you say that so I can look normal?

No, I'm just one of you guys! Guys! Treat me like one of you! Yeah, I've been on 8 out of 10 cats. Yeah, I've been on QI. But I am just one of you. I'm not V Rob Beckett. I'm A Rob Beckett. But you knew it made me embarrassed.

I'm just another parent doing drop off. A place where Martine McCutcheon learned to dance. Sure, you could go there. A Rob Beckett. But she knew it may be embarrassed. A Rob Beckett. I'm just another parent doing drop off at a place where Martine McCutcheon learned to dance. Sure, you could Google Rob Beckett and nothing else comes up for 15 pages. Exactly. But I'm not the. Yeah, I'm not the Rob Beckett.

There's other Rob Beckett's going around their life and they're not defined by me in the same way. Exactly, there's a portrait artist called Rob Beckett. Exactly, yeah. Letitia Dean went here. She would know me over other people, but she wouldn't. Sure. But yeah, that was very embarrassing.

But she's aware that it's a bit embarrassing. So she's doing it a lot. Yeah. Also, this is a true two-fairy trigger warning. Yeah. So her oldest basically knows the two-fairy is us. Yeah. Because she keeps going,

you just pay the money though, don't you, mum? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I've done the trigger warning. Yeah. I missed the trigger warning. Sorry. And so it's an awful way for me to find out. This is a two fairy trigger warning guys. If you listen with kids, we're talking about the truth. Two fairies. The truth fairy. Anyway, so she's basically going you're paying it, aren't you? It was like, no, no, no. And then

we're going, I want to. Oh, I got. Yes! Oh God, I forgot they're in here. Yep. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh God. Can you watch iCarly? Oh, iCarly. Yeah, but can you do it at the control? Yeah. Yeah, you can, why, why, why, does mum not let you watch iCarly?

Ha, does mum not? She wants to watch iCarly, but I think iCarly's a bit, a bit too old for it. I know a hell of a lot about iCarly. Is it okay for a six year old and an eight year old to watch? Well I read a book by, it's such a good book. Oh isn't it, there was like a bit of a bit of a toxic show isn't it? Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Oh fuck they can't watch that, hang on. Yeah girls you can Googling iCarly and just all I know about it is it came out in 2007. The making of it was bad. The guy who made it has since come a cropper. Anyway, the two fairies have to be quiet. So she's basically like, you're paying the money, aren't you? And I'm like, no.

Her old angle's like, why would I give you money for your old monkey tits? I'm like, I'm not paying the money. I'm just paying the money. And she's like, I'm not paying the money. And I'm like, I'm not paying the money. And she's like, I'm not to be quiet Yeah, so she's basically like you're paying the money on it. You're not know how old angles like why would I give you money for? Your old monkey teeth. Oh, that's good You think I'm gonna waste my money on your teeth right kind of thing and that sort of held it at bay

But the oldest one basically knows anyway, so I'm saying little things to sort of try and be like, what's that? What's that thing? They've she's to the two fairies, asking her questions. Like, what's your name? Where do you live? And we're like, she's called Twoferlina, we've called her. And then Lou's writing back into it and putting it in a little envelope with the money in to put under the pillow.

I was like, so what's that? And she's like, oh, that's the thing, the two fairies. So I'm like, playing Igeru. That was, I said that to the youngest. And then in front of the oldest, I said, what's this? Like, I've just found this envelope that Lou had written on and I went what's that there? What's that? And I showed it to my daughter and she went oh this and Lou bought it and I'm like what's this? And he goes oh that's the envelope I put their money in

for their teeth in front of our daughter that's on the fence. And I was like, you fucking moron. And I was like, what? And then I'm playing really dumb now to try and bring it around to people. I'm like, what? Of course, of course. And then my oldest his eyes is like, what? You?

And then he started pissing himself off. I'm trying to bring the magic back in and she would know that literally just right No, that is the envelope that I write on and put their money in for their tea That's the two fair in front of the job. I know I know Lou I'm playing dumb to try and win us back Hang on the doors ringing now. This is go go go go one second So I say what please gonna go back work, she needs to stop fucking ordering stuff. Oh. There's no one here to get it.

It's mental isn't it? Every fucking three minutes. I've got a ring doorbell now Rob. Oh yeah? Have you got a ring doorbell? I don't know. So I can see a video on my phone so I'll be out and I'll see someone turn up at my door. Oh yeah, Lou's got that but I've just refused to have the app, I don't care.

Please have no use. What am I gonna do? Yeah I don't know. But it's of no use. What am I gonna do? Yeah, I don't know. Say to them, put it behind the bin. Yeah. You need a parcel box. You can get a box that you can put parcels in that then you can't access until you have the key, but they can put it in. Oh yeah, yeah, fine. Like a big letter box.

Okay. Well, that's a good idea. Yeah, it's a good idea, innit? We haven't got one. No, no. Great idea. I haven't got it. I went on another trip, Rob. Yeah. Mushrooms are acid. No, it's great idea. I'm gonna I went on another trip Rob. Yeah mushrooms are acid Oh, here we go. I may be opening the door doing some parenting and doing a podcast at the same time But boy, I'm still fast doing some parenting is a broad fucking word for what we've what we have watched you do Rob Consider the star this podcast about trying all you've done

Yes to Icarly and then googled it and just said does your mum let you watch iCarly like a dad who's looking after their children for the first time in two months does your mum let you do that? No, no, because... And then loudly, loudly talked about the tooth fairy not existing because you'd forgotten they were here. I've not got the time to keep up on top of which director's been cancelled in Hollywood. He's every week. It's too much. I can't even let them watch the news anymore.

Okay, now, anyway, they're watching American Beauty, so it'll be fine. I know we're having a laugh here, but I've got to get this done contractually. I can't parent them and do this at the same time. Which is the contractual one, the parenting or this? Actually, I think in a court of law, I think the podcast would be harder to wriggle out of than the kids. Anyway, sorry, go on, what were you going to say? Oh I went on a stiff neck trip, went on a stiff neck trip with my son.

Oh where'd you go? Because you know what he's into, his vehicles. He's a petrolhead. Yeah, he's a massive. Bill Hammond, he's a is vehicles. Yeah. He's a petrol head. Yeah. He's a massive. Bill Hammond. Guy martyred. He's also, he wears big boot cut jeans

and a flowery shirt and a jacket like courage. You should dress him up like that for a laugh, I think. Ha ha ha ha ha. Looks so funny. So yesterday we went on a lads trip cause Rose was hungover, let's be honest. What did you do last night? Was Rose out?

Last night, Rose had a curry. So she was recovering, you went out for the morning with vehicle obsessed son. Went all day, all day. We did the London Transport Museum, Rob. Isn't that nicer than being hungover? Not to throw shade on Rose, we all do it. I was hungover the other day.

But like for you, because you were like three days of hangovers, you couldn't cope. I mean, she's still hungover this morning. She claimed she was just tired. It's a Monday morning. You've literally just turned over in bed and refused to get up. She's on a two day hangover.

What did she think yesterday? Well, my daughter was knackered because she'd done gladiators on the Friday. Yeah. And then she'd done this thing which went on to about 10 on the Saturday. I love Saturday lazy day I love not leaving my house yeah and you went transport museum it's fucking great full respect

to the transport museum I absolutely loved it fair enough what a day out really what a day out loved it if your kids obsessed with vehicles. What's the highlights? Top three things? Buses, trains and a taxi. Yeah, all right. But what in what context? Because just look out your window. It's like London's trains and buses through the ages. So all the different old ones? Yeah, all the different old ones. Oh, that's fun.

Which is lost on him. I'll be honest with you. I was so interested in it, Rob. I was a bit annoyed that he wasn't really taking in the info. Yeah. Because he's three and your ticket allows you to go for a year. So I might just go again without him. I mean, that's not a lot of confidence in the entertainment value is there? What do you mean? The reason they do that is because no one wants to go back. I do, Rob. Most people, they try and entice you.

Eggs on their face Rob. Okay if I come buy a ticket to watch a football team. Yeah. They don't go oh I need to keep coming back. Have you heard of a season ticket Rob? Yeah how much do you pay for that? How much do you pay free grand did you ever? 24 quid. 24 pound. Kid got him free, kid got him free. You enjoyed it though. I'm going back Rob. 24 quid's fucking extortionate. But it's free. It's free. Yeah but it's for a fucking museum, most museums are free. What's the cut a year! It's for a year! Yeah but it's for a fucking museum! Most museums are free! What's the cutoff to pay?

I don't know. Didn't even know it was free till I turned up. Yeah but then if two of you are going, it's 50 quids! Rob! I had the best time! You don't need to get angry on my behalf! I'm going back! I'm getting angry on my behalf!

You were never going! Well exactly, it doesn't stop me getting angry mate. There's a lot of people angry about stuff on Twitter, they don't even near or see. Don't go and smash up Sunderland Rob because of the cost of the Transport Museum. Anyway, we had the best time. Sure. I'm going back on my own so that I can take in the information. Fair enough.

He bought a little high vis that says bus driver on it. He bought a train rucksack. He's a fucking petrolhead. And then we went to a bookshop and bought him two books about vehicles. Petrolheads drive Harley's topless. They do not buy a bus driver high-veers. We now have to refer to him as bus driver.

He won't respond to his name. He just, he wants to be called bus driver. Is that true? Yeah. Driver, okay, fair, that's quite fun. Yeah. Oh, that's good, good that you enjoyed it. Yeah, that was my stiff neck, end to the week of gladiators and...

Lovely little stiff neck. Mattress, what's it called? Not mattresses, it might as well have been fucking mattresses. Trampolines. Trampolines. Shall we do a small business shout out? Yes. I'll give you this Italia Conti one.

I paid for the course by the way, this is not like a quid pro quo. Of course. But they really enjoyed it and sometimes some of the stuff we do they hate and this is good. So, Atalia Conti Chisworth run classes on Saturdays from Cooper's schools, classes in musical theater, dance, drama, singing, film and TV and more, ages three to 18 years, fabulous team of West End performers

and qualified teachers, visit contis.co.uk or email the principal Darren Tough, D-A-R-R-E-N-T-O-U-G-H on his email admin at contis.co.uk and on social media it's Italia Conti Chiz C-H-I-S. So you can book summer camps or the weekly ones. Lovely guy Darren who runs it, he's a lovely guy and all the people really loved it which is really nice but sometimes a lot of these summer camps are run by like 18 year olds on a gap year that couldn't give a shit but this was people really passionate about it. Oh that's nice.

Big recommend from the Beckett. From the Rob Beckett. Yeah from the Rob Beckett, this guy. Hi Josh Rob Beckett. Yeah, from the Rob Beckett, this guy. Hi, Josh, Rob and Michael. Would love it if you could do a small business shout out for my wife's online downloadable escape and detective games for kids and adults. There are several themes to choose from.

Summer holiday, birthday, Halloween, sports day escape games for kids. Then for the adults, a murder mystery style detective investigation game based in France, the home of the Olympics. As well as baby shower and baby gender reveal games too. Living in France, she offers the games in both English and Francais. And you can find her at www.alright. So this is in French, Rob. I'm just going to spell it out.

Oh, go on. E-N-I-G-M-E-S, which must be the French for enigma, so that must be enigmas. Just spell it. E-N-I-G-M-E-S, postals, P-O-S-T-A-L-E-S dot com. And on Etsy, it's enigmospostals.etsy.com, and on Instagram, it's enigmaspostals.etsy.com and Instagram it's enigmas underscore postals. Thanks for being sexually relatable Peter, Laurent and Sebastian. Thank you very much, very French that. Yeah, my D and GCSE French really came off there.

See you on Friday. Bye. on Friday. Bye! some of the all-time greats. These include Rick Maile, Jasper Carra, Eddie Murphy, Malcolm and Wives, Victoria Wood and many many more. That's the Always Be Comedy podcast, out every Tuesday and now Always Be Comedy's comedy heroes, out every Friday. Who is the most impressive Welsh person? What's the best thing to wear on your feet? And what supermarket would Jesus shop at? Guestamators, the weekly interactive quiz show is back for a brand new series with me Andy Bush and our quiz master, Statman Matt. We've surveyed the nation and now we're grilling our celebrity guests to see if they can tap

into the collective brains of Britain. Past guests include Lloyd Griffith. If you're taking that into the shower, I mean I know the NHS is stretched but go and see your doctor. Mel Gedroych. I've never been asked to join a pub quiz team because I think people really detest the way I become. Brian E Gordon. Like we just spent 15 minutes talking about how long the guest donation spends on the loo, you know. That's not normal. Nick Helm. As Italians go, he's probably a bit more famous than Pablo Picasso, isn't he? And Keemabob. If you put your purse on the floor, you'll end up poor.

That's the rhyme. Everyone knows it. To listen to the show and play along at home, you know what to do. Go to guestamators.com.