Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP7: THE JANUARY BLUES

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond... with Rob and Josh. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with amelia can you say rob beckett and can you say j Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittaker? Josh Whittaker.

You're clever. Well done. There we go. That was faultless, that. That was really... Yeah. Apart from the disdain in the child's voice towards the parent, I'd say that was a really, really good... No, I'm joking, I'm joking.

I'm sure Amelia loves it. Can you hear the TV, Rob? Can you hear the TV? Well, at the moment, I'm watching, I'm joking. I'm sure Amelia loves it. Can you hear the TV, Rob? Can you hear the TV? Well, at the moment, I'm watching you in your kitchen. You're a bit fuzzy because you're in East London and they haven't got good internet. And also, I can hear what sounds like kids' TV in the background. Yeah, it is kids' TV.

Ed and Duck, whatever it is. No, it's just some fucking thing that's a really worthy thing they started watching about science. Exec produced by Barack and Michelle Obama. Fucking hell. You've been the president, mate. Just fuck off to the beach. What are you doing?

Who's the exec producing a kid's show? Fuck off. If I had five minutes with Barack, I'll go, right, talk me through what happens in that episode. Because you ain't got a clue, mate. Yeah, he's exec producing with a very light hand isn't he also we work in telly exec producing basically means your name's on the top because you've done a few hard yards 10 years ago you're doing fuck all on the show aren't exec producers essentially like the director of

football you're there overseeing but you're not really nuts and bolts i don't think barack obama has been sitting down late at night going through the scripts going, we need to lose 30 seconds here. He's trying to find a pret open at midnight because the edit's got to be in for the BBC commissioner to see 9am. Anyway, could you turn it? Yeah, and then we explain what's going on. And also we need to read out who did that opening message. Do you know what's great about this though, Michael,

is when Josh comes back, his headphones are wired, so we're going to be straight into the content. Josh? Still too high. Yeah, I can hear the telly. Can you not shut the door? There's no door. You've knocked it through.

It's open plan. It's open plan. No, it's always husband. I know. Sorry, I forgot the downstairs is open plan. I just assumed there might have been a door. I've got a couple of questions. At the moment, you've got a neon light, two lamps, a skylight, and some doors.

You're getting a lot of light in that kitchen. We're not, actually. No? We're getting enough. We're redoing the kitchen because it's quite dark. It looks so bright. Anyway, sorry, Josh, what's going on hi rob josh and michael here's amelia saying your name so let's get this ticked off yeah this isn't a to-do list josh this is us expressing ourselves and having fun no no sorry hi rob josh

and michael here's amelia saying your name she's three this tuesday 30th of january that's today happy birthday happy birthday amelia amelia is a sister to sienna who is 18 months and i spend many a tuesday and friday laughing away at your podcast in the playroom oh god chance will be a fine thing although that's going to have to stop soon thank you for the weekly barrel of laughs. My favourite podcast by an absolute country mile. Big love to Charlotte, Jason, Amelia, Sienna in Manchester. There we go.

Lovely. Well, that was good. Now, can we get on to why you're in the kitchen and why we could hear the telly before? I can't hear the telly now. What's happening? What's going on? So, Rose is away.

Sorry, I forgot you had a catchphrase roses left me um obviously roses away again yeah rose in cornwall um and uh shell who's doing child care today um she's late there's a cat's late. There's a cat on the table. There is a cat on the table. Is that allowed? Cat on the table is not allowed, is it? I can't give a fuck at this stage in the game. That's the problem with Open Plan.

Cats do what they want. What? What? What? What? It's a cat allowed on the table? Yeah, why not? I don't know anymore.

No. Is there any cat? She. She? Oh, sorry. I couldn't see his country. Sorry, I couldn't see the old cat's vagina. Show some respect.

Sorry, I apologise. I apologise to... Which one is it? To Beryl. Beryl. The other one's dead. Yeah, the one that's left To Beryl. The other one's gone. Yeah, the one that's left. How has she been since she's been left on her own?

She had a bit of a wobble where she just kept going off. Sorry. How does a cat have a wobble? Sorry about that. What, she just broke down in the supermarket because she found a note from... So how does a cat have a wobble? She was behaving weirdly,

so she was always going up to really high places. All right, yeah, half a seat. Where's Beryl? Where's Beryl? Ben Nevis! I said, where's Beryl twice then, because I couldn't remember anywhere high. But Ben Nevis is I said Where's Beryl twice then because I couldn't remember anywhere high. Yeah.

But Ben Nevis is good. It works. I know, but it took a couple of seconds for me to get one. It's early. It's ten past nine. Well, on that, actually. Yeah. My daughter's going to have a filling.

Oh. She's going to have a filling? Yeah. Well, outcomes. You're pretty good with the sugar and stuff, aren't you? Yeah, but I had loads of fillings as a kid. I think it's... Sometimes it's the way your teeth way your teeth are sometimes just the way your teeth are i need to i need to book the dentist as i've not been for ages should i tell you about what my brother did with his uh daughter's hair yeah go on right so basically they um the hair was getting too long

right and the fringe so with your daughter and also your son if you want long hair on a child what would you do when the fringe starts to go in the kid's eyes? Well, I'd sweep it to the side, I suppose. Yeah, then how would you keep it to the side? Maybe a little clip or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, when it's long enough, you can do that weird little ponytail that just sticks up by the front, doesn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because it is annoying. It gets in their eyes, they get uncomfortable and they can't see. What wouldn't you do? Well, just chop the fringe in a line. Yeah, yeah, you wouldn't get your beard trimmer and just shave it all along so they had so so his daughter's got a head from dumb and dumber oh my god i think they did it in a sleep deprived moment of madness and as soon as they did it my brother said he messaged me went this isn't right is it i was like no you need to sweep and clip so now she's got i'd say about hot like her hair was sort of

like long fringe down to her eyes and now she's sort of got half an inch right on the top of her forehead oh my word yeah that's not ideal but i've done that i thought it'd be quite a good thing to open up as well how's a baby reacting to some beard trimmers as well well not very well because she sort of jolted back slightly because of the noise and now it is also he's not even straight so there's one bit that's higher than the rest but i think i thought it's quite a good thing the topic when you've done something that's completely as soon as you did it you realized oh that's wrong yeah like when you farted in your daughter's face yeah yeah that's okay so me and lou had this when we was on the beach was our first born away so you're always a bit Yeah, like when you farted in your daughter's face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not get big enough.

So me and Lou had this. When we was on the beach, we was with our firstborn. So you're always a bit more manic with your firstborn. And it was sunny. It was red hot. It was like 30 degrees on the beach. I was like, oh, my God. And we put all like cream on her like that.

And we was like, oh, my God, her head. Her head's going to burn. And she had sort of like little, she was only about four months old. It's a hair, but not much. So we went, oh, we'd better cream that as well. And then we put sun cream on her head and was trying to rub it in, but obviously it was just getting clumped in the hair. And I was going, well, what do we do? How do we do this?

If we don't put it on, it's going to burn. And then after about 20 minutes of doing this, I found the baby's hat in a bag. I was like, oh, it's just a hat, isn't it? You just need a hat oh my god um yeah so they did that but um yeah it's uh but that's any more stories of when you've done something yeah as soon as you've done it you've gone ah no that's not what you do is it well i've got a hair story rob go on do you remember we had um worms last week uh yes we as in your family. The household.

It'd be hard to give it to each other through Zoom. Yes, yes. Went to the hairdresser. Oh, no, it's not in your area as well. My daughter's got nits. Oh, she's having a nightmare, poor thing. Absolute shocker. Worms, nits and a filling.

Is that something from a Roald Dahl book? Well, she's got rid of the worms and nits. Good on her. Yeah. tough week january's hard i hate january i'm struggling josh hard and it's a sunlight yeah are you yeah i think i've got that i know everyone says it that sad thing but i i when you you don't if i don't get enough sunlight i'm in the summer i'm also i'm a better footballer in the summer i feel like i think i'm mediterranean deep down summer isn't the time to be a good footballer I suppose you'd be good

at a World Cup but you wouldn't be good during the season oh yeah I'd be one of those players at the World Cup got a big move and then cold night in Stoke

just completely switch off yeah yeah African Nations Cup in January that'd be a bit a bit of winter sun oh that'd be a bit of me yeah

okay oh has childcare arrived Josh yeah childcare's here do you reckon do you want to do the rest of it upstairs? Yeah, I do. Shall we repair upstairs?

All right, then. All right. I'll be upstairs in two minutes. Bye. All right, bye. Anyway, Rob, now I can hear you, and I'm not looking after a child. How have you been this week? Not too bad.

Good. My youngest is ill, so she's off school, which sort of messes up a lot of the the timings and stuff so she stayed in bed with uh lou last night because when she's really ill she'll just keep coming in every time she sort of wakes because she's coughing or whatever so yeah we said why don't we just stick her in our bed and then lou will sleep with her and then then she's not going to keep waking us up and stuff like that, essentially. So I had to sleep in her bed.

Do you want me to – should I send you where I slept last night? This is where I slept last night. Oh, my God. The bottom bunk of a child's bunk bed. The bottom bunk of a child's bunk bed. And do you know what? The mattress is well comfy, but it's just not long enough. Where were your legs?

Right, so this is the issue. I'm only five foot eight but i was too big for it so is your is your older daughter on the top bunk no my older daughter's in her own room so why were you not on the top because so high so high yeah but i like i feel like i'm not i'm not a cat having a wobble mate i like being tucked up on the floor i like to be cozy i find that quite claustrophobic no i love it do you yeah well i grew up in london didn't i mate i'm used to small spaces of course you open the big open fields no so i said it was nice at the bottom actually the bed was comfy i took my pillows which

is key problem is though my legs i couldn't stretch my legs out so it was all right at the beginning you know when you're all curled up but then actually when you're moving so i don't know about you when you're half asleep you're trying to like make the best of a bad situation there's little like slats at the end of the bed at one point i'd wedged my feet through the slats you know like them like medieval torture yeah in the stocks yeah yeah yeah so i was just in the stocks like that oh my god so that that weren't ideal so she's off school today so were you there sorry can i just correct on this was that a middle of the night because we were talking about bad decisions made when you're tired no that was before bed i didn't realize so you made that you like literally went to bed there you didn't like trail through half asleep at 1am

i laid on that bed with tikt TikTok on until it fell on my face. That's when I know it's bedtime. My phone hits my head. Slinky time. And I went to bed there. But do you want me to talk you through that decision? Yeah. Have you not got a spare room?

So we've got a... Oh, don't judge me like that, you rich bitch. No, I know. But you're constantly telling me how much space you've got in the country. And before I know it, your daughter goes in your bed and you're on the bottom of a bunk. Surely to God. We have got a spare room.

Yeah. But the spare room has got a sofa bed in it, which I couldn't be bothered to get out. Yeah. So when people stay, we've got a sofa bed. But I didn't want to get the sofa bed out, and it's not as comfy as a bed. The thing is, my daughter's got, like, a double bed. So I was tempted to – but then she will just kick me and sofa bed out and it's not as comfy as a bed. The thing is that my daughter's got like a double bed.

So I was tempted to, but then she will just kick me and all that. And she gets up and she sleeps with all the lights on. So I was like, I don't want to do that. And then I thought, well, I know I was going to stick that girl, that girl, my eldest daughter in the bunk bed. But then I know for a fact she'll keep coming into her old room and go, oh dad, can I not just sleep in here with you and then she'll turn the lights on i think it's unfair to relegate your older daughter so that you can

have a double bed exactly so i took one for the team before i know i've slipped my feet for i'm in stocks yeah yeah like bobby davro but bobby davro clip that's so niche what clip is that i've seen that clip no hang on one on one second. Who's calling you? No, I'm just doing something. I've took my glasses off so you can't see me Googling, but now I can't read the letters on the keyboard. You know, you always say you can tell when I'm Googling. I took my glasses off, but then I realised I couldn't read or see.

Right, this is Bobby Davro in stocks. Okay. So he's filming a TV show. Okay. Oh, show okay oh my god they've pulled his trousers down yeah and they're all it's lionel blair i think lionel blair there the bloke off bullseye keith shegwin bobby davro's in the stocks yeah and they leave him. Oh, my God. Fucking hell. Oh, my God. I told you. Oh, my God. So I've nearly watched Bobby Davro die.

He's fine. So he's in the stocks and it's not set up properly by the people who've done the props. No, it's used a lot as a BBC safety video. And then it falls forward and nearly kills him. Oh, my God. Oh, God, that was horrible, that was. Be careful watching that. Yeah, so I had my feet in the stocks. Also, me and Lou went out for dinner, Josh.

Tell me what you think about this. Went out for dinner, and nice waiter, quite young, sort of felt like he could have been 17, could have been 23, but young. Gen, no pubes. I don't know what that generation is called but you're really young right yeah anyway so he's been really nice we've been really nice and chatty and then we paid and lou was like oh um do you we didn't have any cash for his cash tip so he said do you get paid the tip if it's on the thing or does it go straight to the company or how does it work and she was he was like no no

we get it don't worry and it was oh when i used to work in waitress, we wouldn't get, he used to go straight up to the main head office and then not come back. And then I was sort of joking. I went, well, I went to a fair, that was about 33 years ago like that. So like a bit of fun.

A bit of fun. We can all have a laugh. And he just went, that's horrid. Not joining in with, oh, that was a bit, and it was a bit of an old dad joke and a bit like basic and all that but he just absolutely two-footed me i felt like an absolute dinosaur but i throw away not in a oh come on that's a bit much or oh god or like oh no sure it was only a couple of years ago or joining in or just like all right i'll, or roll his eyes. That's horrid.

I just felt like, oh, no. I felt like I'd been cancelled. In that moment, I was like, oh, no. What have I become? And what did Lou say? Just a solitary tear. She absolutely loved it. She pissed herself laughing.

And loved it. Did you have a nice dinner out? Lovely dinner out. Yeah, it was very exciting. Can I ask, how long did it last? Our dinners out are getting so fast now. It's basically, we will be in and out in 45 mins. It's up to the waiting staff and the chef

to how long our night out last also we've been going dinner earlier as well have you just get in get back and we've done that as well we went away when we went away uh for a night the other week we went for dinner at 6 45 back in the room by eight because i don't know if it's january i am really struggling with the general public not like just like you know when you're out and about, because I went to this, it's a bit of a trendy restaurant. Went to this restaurant and there were people, they're wearing like hipstery people wearing hats,

like a tiny little green beanie. And it was just like rolled up jeans with bright colored socks and like hoodies and a jacket. And I don't get how they don't get so hot. 40 year olds dressed as 17 year olds. 40-olds dressed as 17-year-olds. 14-year-olds dressed as 17-year-olds with them little condom hats on that just sit on the back of their head. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm just like, how can you eat? How can you eat a steak with that on your head? I'm beading up. If I could, I'd go tops off. I am warm. And he's got a hoodie on, a jacket, thick pair of like japanese denim jeans and a little really baggy really thick hat as well and indoors yeah really baggy around the balls and

ass i saw it and then the other day i went for a walk and there was a geezer with his two-year-old on his shoulders holding with one arm but one leg with one hand, and then in the other hand, a big staff, you know, them like big Gandalf walking sticks. And I was like, it's an absolute **** fest. But the problem is, it's like, then also I had a chat with a lovely couple the other day when I was out and about, and they were lovely and all that, but I feel like it's the knobs. I'm like a dickhead attractor. I'm like a magnet for knobs somehow.

But I don't know but i think i'm just get i get aggy in the winter because i get miserable and i'm trying to be a positive guy josh but i get i get i can feel myself getting aggy on a group message the other day i was moaning about something and you were going a month ago rob you were telling me that you don't have any opinions you don't care about anything you're pretty chilled out but i'm not josh i'm i'm laughing right up this is why they never call an election in january rob people are angry it's true i'm up for a row you're up for a civil war i'm up i'm up for a row january's killed me off here fuck i'm basically an lBC caller in January this is not good Josh

I'm not in a good place speak to Rob in September he's telling you about meditation speak to him in January I need to do more meditation

yeah oh god I'm sorry you're in a bad place no I'm not I'm just I'm just fine I get a bit aggy this time of year

and itchy I don't know what it is I don't it feels like I get up I do the school time of year and itchy. I don't know what it is. I don't know where. It feels like I get up, I do the school run in the dark. That's done in the dark. Then I go to where I'm going and get a bit of work done. By the time I pick up the kids and get them home, it's dark again.

I feel like I never see the sun. Do you know what I mean? And like this is everyone. There's other people. Everyone feels the same. Obviously, I'm not. Everyone's doing long hours and stuff like that. And I'm not even doing that long hours. I had much worse jobs before when I was coming up so i'm in a very lucky

position but i struggle without seeing the sun it's mental um yeah i need to get one of them vitamin d lights or something rob i think we both know what's that you need to just as soon as your kids move out you need to move to benidorm that's what needs to happen what you know you judge these people that you know the expat know, you judge these people, you know, the expat community, but I think they might have it right. Get out there. Downsize.

Get a caravan in Benidorm. Bargain Brits Abroad. Love it. I love that show. Rob. Yeah. You know I said last week that if people phoned us between 9 and 10 they could promote something.

Yeah. Flo said that was interesting and now Rosie, who's one of her clients, is calling, but I've just ignored it. Is that bad? Well, no, but she might just be

ringing back to somebody else. She's never rung me before, Rob. Oh, well, fuck her then. Rosie Jones has left us a voicemail that she says we can play at double speed so she sounds able-bodied. Okay, that sounds good.

Sounds good to me. What does she want to say? How long is the voice note? 137, so now it'll be 45 seconds. Okay, stick it on three. Go on, stick it on double. She's given us approval to double up the speed. Hello, Mr. Josh.

It's your friend, Rosie Jones here. People's princess, national treasure, future leader of the universe. I've heard that you're doing talks for comedians who ring you during your pod. And seeing that,

they won't let me on your little podcast, because I don't have children. Rude. I wanted to tell you all that I am on tour from February and then they went writing on the 10th of Feb and they should get it filmed so could you

let all your lovely listeners know because I'd love to see them all but don't bring any of your kids because I swear and I talk about my bum a lot. All right, see you later. Bye-bye, Josh.

Bye-bye. There we go. That's a good new feature, Rob. What's that, speeding up disabled people? She said to do it. No, no, no. She said it. She told us to do that.

We've done nothing wrong. No, we've done nothing wrong. It sounded done nothing wrong it sounded a bit like ai didn't it she gave us permission anyway just filming it in bryan yeah um what else is going on josh anything you want to share with me how's parenting what do you do at the weekend just get rid of it nits on sunday it's on sunday how do you get rid of clean it and just brush it um oh fuck i forgot to put the spray in. Fuck's sake. Anyway, so that was Saturday, Sunday.

Tidied my daughter's room on Saturday. We tidied the house, Rob. We've totally done the house. That feels good. Spring clean? Spring clean. It's been, I tell you what rob go on i've had a string of bad things happen to me none of them i can talk about are you okay though yeah can you talk would you be able to talk to me about them off camera off mic or is it really really yeah yeah yeah because we

want to be as honest as possible but in life you can't always be totally transparent yeah because normally what will happen to me rob is a bad thing will happen to me and then i'll go oh at least i can talk about that on the podcast but now you can't four things this week four can't talk about one of them not the same person no No, different things. Different things. Anyway, well, let's move on. What positive things have you coming up? Got any holidays booked? Something to look forward to? God, why are we both so depressed today, Rob?

January hits hard. You sound like a desperate hairdresser trying to have a conversation with me. I am, am I not? I'll be honest with you, Rob, I haven't had a cup of tea yet this morning. It's been so mental. I need you Rob I haven't had a cup of tea yet this morning it's been so mental I need to I can't can't deal with it I think I'm addicted to tea how many do you have a day it's not even how many I have it's this is mad it's how much I think about it when I haven't

had one and how are you having it are you just sucking it as you go or are you like sitting down and getting into it? Rob, I drink tea like a rugby player drinks pints. What, you dick me dick in it? I would if I could. I enjoy that. If you gave me a cup of tea now and I had to put my dick in it and then I could drink it, I wouldn't give a shit. So you have what, one in the morning? Three in the morning.

Three? Okay. But I try not to have five before lunch right and then you will you have more in the afternoon and evening two in the afternoon so five cups of tea a day no six probably it's definitely more than six seven it tails off because i tell you why it tails off because I stop enjoying them because I've had too many teas. So I've never seen you not refuse one when we've been at work or been away somewhere. Yeah, I love liquids, Rob. I drink water.

I drink tea. After consuming about six mugs in a day, you'll experience anxiety. Yeah. Between eight and ten a day, you are at great risk of caffeine intoxication. So I think you're addicted to caffeine. Yeah'll have i'll do i'll do no i'll decaf i'll decaf some of them can i say something i think it's pathetic when people get off their head on caffeine through tea i'm like you pathetic loser oh i've had too much tea fucking tea have a rocket coffee and then come back to me. Oh, I've had too much tea. Fucking pathetic. Right, Josh, should we do some correspondence?

Anything else you want to get off your chest before we do that? I'm going to go full disclosure here, Rob. Okay. Due to the time situation this morning, we're going down to the upstairs. You've had a nightmare and you're wearing it on your face, Josh. You don't look like you're enjoying your day at work. It feels like a day at work. Yeah, we're normally... We're normally just relaxed fun,

but today it really feels like you're logging on to your door of the Explorer shift. I'm doing a lot more work here than I used to do there. So, full disclosure, we had a break because we had to record Laura Smith's interview for Friday, and now we're back. So, I texted Shao, I said, any chance of a cup of tea? Oh,

I'm not sure about that. What? Well, she's got her own, she's doing her own job looking after the kids. She's not here to make you tea. No, I know, but I was just, you know, I make her tea when I go downstairs. Yeah, yeah, true. But she's coming to your house, isn't she? Anyway, so how do you get the message?

I describe us as like close friends. Okay, I didn't know your best mate was in there. Now, how did you ask? Because I think you can ask, but there's a way to ask. Any chance of a couple? Well, I also had to write it quickly because we were interviewing Laura Smith and I thought I can't sit here there's a way to ask. Any chance of a couple, but also had to write it quickly because we were interviewing Laura Smith. And I thought I can't sit here and compose a text like that. So I just tapped it out.

She said, yes, just on our way back now from the park. Right. And I've put, don't come back just for that. Six exclamation marks. And she's put,

I wouldn't. Who the hell do you think you are? No, I know. I wouldn't. Who the hell do you think you are? No, I know. I think that's unfair on you because you're just saying that out of politeness. You know that, but you've got to double check. I would have messaged going, hi, Shell. I've been a bit rushed this morning with kids and work and stuff like that. Haven't had a cup of tea yet.

And then I would have said, well, if you're making a hot drink, like that. Haven't had a cup of tea yet. And then I would have said, well, if you're making a hot drink, if any chance you made me a cup of tea, that'd be amazing. Cause I'm, I'm gasping. But Rob,

I was doing an interview. So I had to, you know, when you're like tap out the messages in as short a time as possible. Yeah. You've, you've sent that though. Like I imagine a CEO would to an assistant.

Yeah. But, but you've got a good relationship with her. So it's, yeah. She said, who the hell do you think you are how's the tea you got a new man after that you get it down i i this is bad rob i think my tea addictions get it in you

stop chatting get it in you drink it up i get it i've got a headache from not having tea oh get it down yeah, you big old thirsty girl. Oh, God, I'm going to hear that when I close my eyes tonight. I've been dreaming about tea. How's the caffeine? Have you got a headache? Has that been too much caffeine for you? To quote someone in this episode, Rob, that is horrid.

Horrid? I am horrid. You are. No. Because I tell myself I'm horrid. The bad voices are back at winter. I'm not horrid. I'm a good guy trying his best. I'd had two glasses of red wine and I was trying to be cheeky.

But I was born in 1986, so my cheekiness now is not okay. My shit joke. And I knew it was a shit joke when I did it, Josh. I knew it was a shit joke when I did it, Josh. I knew it was a shit joke. I just know it was horrid. Did I tell you about my daughter that went to a pottery thing and painted a dog? Yeah. And painted, do you want to see the diarrhea on its ass?

Oh, I'd love to see the diarrhea on its ass. Because she painted diarrhea all over its ass. Oh my God, it is. Yeah, it really is, Rob. He's got a real problem there, Rob. Yeah, I know. And she's also put it all on his feet, like he's run around in it. And the dog looks like it's got makeup on the front.

I did have a story about my week, Rob, for you. Go on. One of the few stories of bad things that happened to me this week. That we can mention. That we can mention. Yeah. Okay. So I had a gig with you on Thursday.

Oh, yes. No, on Tuesday. Wednesday. Wednesday. Doesn't matter. I found that gig hard. struggled that gig i found it tough well i thought you could read out the text i sent you to show people what comedians go through when they're trying out new material i don't know why it was a hard gig but it was it was just it was they laughed but it never felt like you had them.

Do you know what I mean? But also, in their defence, it's 4.30 in the afternoon on Wednesday at the end of January. And I'm reading material off a piece of paper. And also, everyone had bought tickets to that in December for the live, and then it's got to the end of January. Yeah. I've got to stop blaming January.

I'm trying to, what did you message? Yeah, so you messaged me, mate, I'm so sorry how shit and shambolic that was. I was at the gig. You walked on, you told a few jokes for about half an hour,

which is a long time. You got, I'd say 80% of them, they already laughed at. 10% they really laughed at. And the last 10% is like, all right all right okay maybe that's not really an idea or it needs more work which is a whole point as a work in progress gig i'm so sure how shit and shabbily that was i have totally lost the ability to do stand up fuck me sorry sorry sorry then i get a message five minutes later sorry ignore that i'm mental and then another one onwards and upwards no one's ever messaged onwards and upwards when they actually believe it

it's hard doing new material isn't it rob it's really hard it is hard and especially when our brains are wired and we do a lot of work to stop them being wired with my brain if i let it if i let it loose right would basically just go you are fucking shit and a waste of time you are fucking shit and a waste of time you are fucking shit and the whole day on loop or and then i wander around the world finding examples of where i'm shit and a waste of time and i have to do everything I can to stop doing that and that's the danger with comedy I think that's what attracts people

to comedy is because we're already thinking we're shitting a waste of time and we might as well get it confirmed at a gig Anyway I got home Rob You were just doing new material and there were some really funny bits in it I got home

and it was like You were just doing new material and there's some really funny bits in it. I got home. It's just hard. Got home and it was like bedtime, bath time. I'd missed bath time, which is the difficult bit. Yeah. I can't tell you how much I needed a shit, Rob. I bet you're going to. I'm going to. So you've got one bathroom, one toilet and a house.

I needed it at the gig. Okay. I went downstairs to the toilet during uh steven merchant set and it was locked and i was like i can't i don't know what to do so i thought i'll just go when i get home i got home and you just can't as the returning parent i think when you're returning to a stressful child situation, for instance, breakfast time or bath time, if you're returning in the middle of that, you have no rights for the next 15 minutes.

Yeah, you are basically right. In you get, put your bag down, many hands make light work, let's get this done and then we can chill out. There is no way you can have a shit. I actually think having a shit is the only way out. Or feeling sick. Not feeling sick, but you can either be sick or have a shit. It's the only two ways that you can get out of it.

Yeah. So was the toilet free? Yeah, but I just thought, I've got to hold it here. I think Rose would have let you have a shit. I don't think she's... If you'd said to her, I'm desperate to hold it here. I think Rose would have let you have a shit. I don't think she's... If you'd said to her, I'm desperate to go to a toilet. Oh, but bath times are tough at the moment, Rob.

My son does not want a bath. You know, you just go through these phases. What about a shower? Have you tried showering him? He doesn't want... He just... Because he's got a bit of eczema, it hurts his skin with the water.

Right, bless him. And he doesn't... It's very difficult to say, yeah, but this is really healthy. Do you want a sticky skin or do you want to stink as shit? Or both at this rate? Come on, mate. I'm on your side. Why would I

be doing this? I'm not doing this just to annoy you. This is the worst bit of my day and your day. So why would I be doing it? We both hate this. There's a reason why we do it. I am getting nothing out of this. Didn't we get worms anyway, even though you did wash me every day?

That's not the point. The point is you must be clean. There's no way I can send you to bed in January when you've not sweated once and you've just been in loose-fitting jogging bottoms all day and I've wiped your arse already with a wet wipe. There's no way you can go to bed without a bath. Why?

Because all the other parents are washing their kids and I need to do it right. Because otherwise I'm shit and a waste of time. Now get in that fucking bath, boy. Or I'm going to shit on you because I'm desperate. I tried to go when Stephen Merchant was doing some jokes,

but the toilet door was locked. So I sat on a tube texting my friend saying, I'm sorry for being shit. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Onwards and upwards. Look at me, boy. This is my upwards. All right?

Now get in that bath so I can have a turnout. Oh, God. what a life. And then I went downstairs and stepped on some glass. Oh, again. Again? How often are you doing it? I've done it twice in a couple of months. It's always me, but that's for the best.

That's for the best. If it's going to be anyone in the house, it's better it's me, isn't it? Did you get it out or is it still in there? Oh, it didn't go in this time. It's got to be anyone in the house that's better than me, isn't it? Did you get it out or is it still in there? Oh, it didn't go in this time. It just made my foot bleed. How are the knickknacks going with the toddler, like the two-year-old? Is he avoiding them?

He's all right, actually. He's pretty chilled. He likes to play with, well, obviously the wrong things, you know. So he came, he walked into my office the other day carrying this, which is a china cup. What's that? It's a china cup, like it's a china knick-knack.

Oh, Rob, I followed Pauline Bunton on Instagram. Okay, yeah. She followed me back. I'm pleased to see. Yeah, she sent me a photo of you and her when you met her before the gig. That's mad, isn't it? She was one of the mamas from the song. Do you know how mental I'd have gone if I'd known she was Pauline Bunton?

How mental? She doesn't realise, like, that is huge for me. How much you fancied her daughter in the 90s. Oh, don't do that. Not just in the 90s. Oh, still now. Not just in the 90s. Don't do that.

Who do you think, of the Spice Girls, who do you think is the most likely that I'm their type? I mean, one's married to David Beckham, so she's out. One's married to another boy band member. One's married to Christian Horner, who couldn't be more different from me in approach to life. No, but looks a bit like you. Yeah.

Sort of like, you know, blondie, gingery. I got on very well with Jerry, actually. Yeah, so maybe Jerry. Mel C, maybe. She's quite chilled out. Loves an Adidas track suit like you. They could bond over that. Yeah.

Mel B, you know, she was Eddie Murphy for a bit. And you're a bit like him. You're a comic. I look like the donkey from Shrek. So maybe Mel B, you know. Yeah, maybe Mel B.

Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. I don't think it was ever going to work out with you and a Spice Girl, personally. And right, should we do small business

and then we'll do some correspondence before Friday? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sound like a plan? Sounds like a big plan.

Huge plan. Here we go. Hi, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sound like a plan? Sounds like a big plan. Huge plan. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. I have a shout-out for my small business. I am a mobile massage therapist offering manual lymphatic drainage massages. Oh, interesting. I don't know what that is.

And around Brentwood and the surrounding areas, you can check all my treatments available. Just to be clear, that's not a part of the body, is it, Brentwood? She's not draining the lymph nodes around Brentwood. Around your Brentwood and Gooch? No. Brentwood Essence. Around your Brentwood and your surrounding areas,

I drain the lymph nodes. Oh, me Brentwood's been playing up. Do you mind draining it? Oh, she was around my area. No, no, no, no. Hey, what's your area called? The Joshwood? The Victoria Park.

My Victoria Park is an absolute war zone at the moment. I'd enjoy having my lymph nodes drained, I think. I love stuff like that. I don't think it's your lymph nodes. Oh, it's your lymphatic areas. It flushes out toxins, reduces bloating, boosts your immune system, combats cellulite. It's a full-body treatment.

So I think, yeah, I think it's doing something. I don't really understand. Oh, I love a good massage. Right, okay, yeah. So she's – let me finish this off. Sorry. She might travel to East London. Brentwood's not too far.

You can check out all my treatments available on lymphaticdrainagebyvictoria.com and Instagram, lymphaticdrainagebyvictoria. As and instagram lymphatic drainage by victoria as a mum of one year old and a two-year-old oh blimey and i love the pod and listen every week thank you victoria so she's mobile so she might come to east london parking's a bit of a nightmare though isn't it for you no we've got parking all the time really weird rob i don't want to go into it but the the local parking runs from 10 a.m. to midday. What's that all about? Normally, that's to stop people parking there for the day.

That must be, yeah, yeah, yeah. In case there's a train station or there's stuff nearby, that's why they do that. Because sometimes, there's one in me where it's 12.30 p.m. to 1 p.m. You're not allowed to park there. So basically, that's right by a train station. So what happens is the traffic warden just pops there for half an hour, absolutely obliterates it. Slams them down.

Also, at Alpington Station, where I go to sometimes, there's parking for the day, and there's a little section in the middle which is like the car parking club, and it's closer to the train station. You can't park in those spaces before 9.30 a.m. However, it's been written on the floor for so long now, it's a little bit, little bit like gone. So you see people heart there, I'm like, you're not part of the club, I can tell already,

and you're in for a horrible afternoon. Hello, could I please get a small business shout out? I'm a crochet designer who sells patterns on Etsy with my Instagram, at happy go hooky. I have recently released the super sweary crochet coloring book. I'm the man of two daughters, Amber nine, Millie five. Crochets helped me over the years to get through lots of trauma as well as making baby blankets. My idea for the sweary crochet coloring book is to create something that no one knew they needed. Since it's launched two

weeks ago, it's been so popular and well-rece well received i would appreciate a business boost to help sales there you go love you both and keep on making us giggle many thanks jemma darricott from rainhill in merseyside my first proper girlfriend was from rainhill in merseyside oh there you go lovely how did it end with the girl from merseyside uh we we split up did she would she run out of energy and leave you at the end of the season? No. Trying to finish on a bit of satire. Oh, it's nice that. Clop.

Yeah, six years. You said to give her six years? To the day. Split up on her anniversary. I love neatness, Rob. You love it? You broke up with her? No.

Oh. It was a mutually agreed decision. That she led. That she led. And delivered. And delivered. And delivered. And left with pants bags. And do you know what?

I'm going to say it. She was right to. It was a good decision. It was a good decision. The decision that you two came to after her initiation. Yeah, fair enough. Initiating it.

Right, I'll see you on Friday. Bye. Bye. Who is the best Irish person? What's the best way to cook potatoes? And how fast could Superman travel in a canoe? This is Guestimators, the weekly quiz show with me, Andy Bush, and our quiz master, Statman Matt.

We've surveyed the nation, and now we're grilling our celebrity guests to see if they can tap into the collective brains of Britain. Past guests include Lloyd Griffith. If you're taking that into the shower, I mean, I know the NHS is stretched, but go and see the doctor. Mel Gedroych. I've never been asked to join a pub quiz team

because I think people really detest the way I've become. Rosie Holt. What a load of rubbish. Bryony Gordon. Like, we just spent 15 minutes talking about how long the guest donation spends on the loo. You know, that's not normal. And Bobby Seagull. I find that quite upsetting that such a poignant use of the potato

has been grievously harming someone's life. To listen to the show and play along at home you know you want to, go to guestimators.com. Do you ever feel like topical comedy only ever tends to come from one angle? Well, I'm Geoff Norcott, host of What Most People Think, and my show jokes about all sides. Jokes about Tories. Jokes about Labour.

Jokes about everyone. If there's any Lib Dems listening, there isn't. We're returning guests from across the political spectrum, including Romesh Ranganathan, Simon Evans, Catherine Ryan, Constantine Kissing, David Baddiel, Andrew Doyle, Al Murray and more. Sometimes we'll make good points. Sometimes we'll make cheap jokes. But whatever we do, we'll be trying our best

to get to the heart of what most people think.