Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S8 EP9: "Would you prefer to make love to me or Romesh?"

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond... with Rob and Josh. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with Can I be Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can I be Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe.

Go, Mummy, well done. Oh, thank you. Aw. That took me too long to realise what was happening. Yeah, that is good. I was like, there's something wrong here. Yeah. But the daughter was leading the mum.

I loved it. Loved it. Do you know what? To be able to play with the form, even at this stage, there's still more in it. I think it what? To be able to play with the form, even at this stage, there's still more. There's still more in it. I think it's impressive that we're still aware of the form. Exactly.

Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. This is my three-year-old daughter, Nancy, introducing the podcast with me, dutifully following instructions. We're currently awaiting the arrival of baby number three, who is hopefully arriving any day now. My friend Claire introduced me to your podcast in lockdown. I've been obsessed ever since. Claire's also been telling me to send in an intro for the last two years, so I'm hoping this keeps her quiet for a while at least.

Fuck you, Claire. I like that, Josh. Placed it this morning. Fuck you, Claire. Your mate's got enough on. She's pregnant. She's got two kids, and you've been telling her to send in an intro for two years. Maybe Felicity from Bognor E just didn't want to. Yeah, she's got enough on. She's pregnant. She's got two kids and you've been telling her to send in an intro for two years. Maybe Felicity from Bogner Regis

didn't want to. Yeah. She's got enough on her fucking plate, Claire. Yeah. Thanks a lot. Looking forward to you keeping me entertained

during maternity leave. Again, Felicity and Bogner Regis. I've not been to Bogner. It's one of those places where it's kind of got a funny name which does it no favours, right? Yeah.

It's by the coast as well. So anything with Bog in it by water is not great, is it? It's like the norovirus buffet. You're going to be put off even if the food's great. Yeah. You must go, that's amazing food. We do need to address, Rob. What's that?

That your voice is bad. And people can't see this at home, but you look. Do I look bad? I thought I felt a bit better. Oh, man. I've took a photo if you were that kind of celebrity and you were photographed out and about there'd be a daily mail sidebar about oh god um sort of it would be like um rob beckett breaks they always go breaks their silence when they just sort of repost something on instagram rob beckett breaks his silence looking frail and pale um yeah no so i've i've had to cancel some gigs actually so this is monday morning i was supposed

to be doing sudbury tonight but i've had to reschedule it because my my voice is fucked and i've got a sore throat you don't that sudbury theater is tight and small and you don't want to give 110 people you don't want to give people illness and you don't want to give a shit show yeah so people in sudbury are supposed to be with you tonight but i'm i'm well enough to sit in my house and do a podcast but i'm not well enough to give you a good show so i'm really sorry if it's fucked up your babysitting and stuff like that but um i will reschedule it and it'll be a better show because I won't be ill um so sorry to the people of Sudbury plus you're working through material Rob so they've got it they've bought their tickets an early stage

in the development when it's rescheduled it's actually going to be a better show anyway because you've done more work you'd hope well I'd argue that at the moment even if i'm well a lot of the jokes don't work so what you don't want is new jokes from an ill man that's like i promise you think about the text i sent last week to rob that we read out yeah that's what you were probably uh so people of sudbury i'm sorry but we'll reschedule hopefully in the next couple of weeks we're sort of there should be a date but when you hear this there should be a date and i'll put it on my instagram so sorry about that but um i'm i'm i'm gonna power through with the podcast lou woke me up i know i'm ill josh has lou's been nice to me oh my really nice to me and she um like in the night this morning, she went,

was your throat hurt this morning? I went, yeah, it's killing. It's one of those ones where you swallow and you go like, ugh. Yeah, yeah. And she went, yeah, because you were snoring so much. I really felt sorry for you. And then there was an owl that kept, apparently an owl, we've got them little light windows, the little windows.

An owl popped up. But maybe she, Lou, reckons I sounded like a distressed animal so the owl popped up to eat you well to have a look to see if it was like like a dead mouse whinging or something i don't know but um and then lou was like oh yeah i was really worried about you and then she popped in so i've been up since 4 30 which felt more like a dig that i've been allowed there we go yeah anyway so people of suburb i'm sorry um but i'm gonna i'm just gonna put a shift in with the podcast so very much like michael jordan in the championship playoffs in 96 where he played with well if you need to talk less i've got some stuff to go you start you can't you might have to carry this one josh and i'll nod and take the piss we went to cab we went to caboo this weekend rob oh the um the... They're like cabins in Kent.

Are they static caravans for middle-class people? No, they're not. They're like wooden cabins for middle-class people. Right. In Kent. Where in Kent are you? Near somewhere. We're half an hour from Folkestone. Half an hour from Folkestone.

We went to visit Rose's friend in Folkestone. Right, nice. I like Folkestone, Rob. What's your feelings on Folkestone? I don't like Folkestone. Half an hour from Folkestone. We went to visit Rose's friend in Folkestone. Right, nice. I like Folkestone, Rob. What's your feelings on Folkestone? I don't know about Folkestone. I've been to Folkestone a few times. Nice little theatre as well, actually. But yeah, oh no, can we buy this seat? Oh, it's sort of near, in between Dungeness and Folkestone,

near Port Lymth, where the animals are, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's lovely, that little bit. Dungeness, again, ruins it by the name, doesn't it? It's a classic, isn't it? My father-in-law goes and fishes down there. Does he? Oh, that's nice.

I told you this story, though, once, where he told me sometimes he don't even get the rods out. He just goes and sits there. I think there's a power plant near there or something, isn't there? Maybe, I don't know. But we had a very nice time lovely there was no real

just the children just went on the beach in January and we didn't really see them what do you mean you didn't see them Matt but they just like Rose's friend lives down there she turned up with her two kids and they just like we rose's friend lives down there yeah she took that with her two

kids and they just played paired up and then we just kind of stood around oh mate if you get the right family yeah we've got we've got friends and they've got two daughters about the same age as our two daughters you do not it is it gets to the point where the end you actually feel disappointed at the end of the weekend because you haven't seen your kids it's mad isn't it yeah there's a nuclear power station right by there. All right, yeah. That's lovely. Maybe that kept them going.

Yeah. Kept them on the move. They were fucking glowing, mate. Difficult to get them to sleep. Oh, the colour they got on that beach on a January morning. Quick quiz, Rob. Yeah, go on. Sleeping arrangements, do you want to have a guess?

Okay, so how many beds in the cabin are there? We've got a double bed. We've got, have you bought it? Got a double bed. We've got two bedrooms, double bed, movable cot and bunks. Right. Okay. So I'd say double bed is Rose and at least one child, probably two.

And then you in the bunk on your own no not quite not quite my son in the cot oh that's good because he's he's yet to not sleep in a cot so whenever we go away we've got to get him a proper bed he's massive i know but it's because we're having our rooms done oh yeah you said yeah so we're kind of holding we just gotta buy him a bed well he's he's getting my daughter's bed but my daughter wants a cabin bed so we've got to get this cabin bed to move the bed she wants to sleep high up with space underneath to play yeah and it's like you can get one where it's like a bed that also transforms into a desk or whatever i don't know fucking no transformer bed yeah so where did she sleep in the cabin she wanted to go top bunk obviously because she's gonna get a cabin bed yeah but the side on it was

she didn't like the side on it she thought she was gonna fall out so she went bottom bunk and then she said i'll be scared in the room on my own because i don't know it so you were top bunk i was top bunk that's like the weakest position in prison, isn't it? Do you think? Yeah, because they can just kick your mattress and kick you out of bed and attack you. Because in prison, you want to be on bottom bunk. Do you?

Yeah, because you're less vulnerable. I thought you wanted to be on top bunk because then if anyone comes at you, you can just kick them from the top. You've got the... No, but then if you don't trust someone underneath you, they could just kick you out of the bed and then you fall and bang your head. Oh how do you think you do in prison rob oh

not well no um anyway you're top but well this is dangerous though she wants a cabin bed and she's a bit wary on the you're gonna have to make sure she tests out this cabin bed because we've got bunk beds for my youngest yeah we've got to take her to test out the cabin bed. Yeah, so mine doesn't like being on the top bunk. Doesn't she? No, but that's fine. So she just sleeps on the bottom bunk. Yeah, yeah.

But cabin bed, no bottom bunk. So you're on the top bunk of a child's bed? Yeah, I'm on the top bunk of a child's bed. I think you're getting more sleep on holiday. Yeah, I am, Rob. Yeah. Rose's got the double. My daughter woke up at 5.30 both days. Right right so she didn't want to sleep on her own so rose is in the double she's in an unfamiliar place yeah rose in the

double with the cot yeah and then top bunk right how many nights one night two night two nights so did you do two nights of top bunk yeah was there a conversation with rose to go yeah she offered but i just don't think you can what do you mean what do you mean i think you i i just think you've got to take the hit on that it's gentlemanly see i'm a feminist get up there love my equal my equal up the fucking bunk you go let's get equal so as a feminist i just couldn't whereas i couldn't do that no whereas i'm a victorian gentleman yeah exactly of course i put my umbrella down i climb up the top you better wear your big coat to shield her from the water. Exactly. Right, so you've done two.

Was it adult size? The duvet wasn't long enough. Oh, for you. No, but you know I put it over my head. Right, but no duvet's long enough for you, really. No, I know. That makes me sound really cold. You should bring out extra long duvets for, like,

sort of people like you that are panicked and scared and then tall people that are quite relaxed. Exactly. I wonder what Stephen Merchant's got. I should text him and say, what duvet have you got? Do it. A bit weird. No, I think you could do that.

Maybe you text Stephen Merchant and say, genuine question, I'm not taking the piss. Do you buy extra long duvets from somewhere? Because I need a longer one because I like to sleep with a duvet over my head. It makes you sound... That sounds like you're on McIntyre Central. It's a cross between

McIntyre Central and McIntyre's thing where he comes into your bedroom. Rob, I'd be furious. Do you know, they tried to do that. My agent asked Lou

saying, we were thinking about doing this to Rob, because I have to ask, obviously get permission from someone in the house. It's a burglary. And said to Lou, and Lou said, absolutely not. Rob sleeps naked.

He will jump up and he will attack his nature. So why did she say absolutely not? Because that would have been after winning. if i jumped out of bed but start bollock naked and chinned mcintyre and loomed over him as the like the cameraman had to take me off and it was on telly of pixelated my arse and knob it would be the greatest bit of tv of all time wouldn't it yeah and then they clean up the blood from his face you put on some pants and you have to go through this quiz and he's crying david siemens out the back going should i go in yet or not

is the blood has the blood been wiped from mcintyre's nose these comedy gloves are big but they've got blood on from the and you are still fucking seething. Look at Lou's eye in there, full face of makeup, hair done. Got my new pyjamas, sat there with a cup of coffee, looking, not been asleep all night. Imagine if they'd done it to me when I was going through my really bad insomnia panic attack phase. Oh, my God.

Okay, we're going to cut there. Josh has shit himself and covered his head with a duvet. Let's give him a couple of hours. I'd have to have a heads up because I'd be petrified. We're obsessed. My kids, Josh, are absolutely obsessed with Gladiators. I put Gladiators on after Mars Singer. Oh, my God, it's so good.

And we just watched The Eliminator, and my daughter went fucking ballistic for how good it was. I love it. And she was like, we've got to watch the rest of this. She cannot get enough of it. No, and it's so nice as well because I've remembered ballistic for how good it was and she was like we've got to watch the rest of this she she cannot get enough of it no and it's so nice as well because i've remembered how much i loved it as a kid but i'm i'm i want to go to watch it you can do celebrity oh i thought you can do celebrity i'm not gonna do celebrities they should do so they will be there we can't do that it's me

imagine that me joel domit and mark wright up against just stood there like a sack of potatoes absolutely distraught of me just slowly coming back down the travelator like a turkey at the shop how did you do on the travelator

I tell you I did I didn't get it there's a bit at the start of the Eliminator where you have to climb a rope I haven't got a fucking hope

you know that hang tough you know hang tough where they have to swing I can't even just hang I'm not getting a swing if there was no other gladiator I'm not doing a minute on You know that hang tough, you know hang tough, where they have to swing? I can't even just hang. I'm not going to swing.

If there was no other gladiator, I'm not doing a minute on that. I couldn't get to the red, never mind a gladiator. Oh, it was great. The only one I think I'd be quite good at is the one where you barge past people. Yeah, yeah, you'd be good at that. Yeah, but that's not really a skill, is it? No, well, you employed it on Mock the Week quite a few times. Oh, God. skill is it yeah well you you employed it on what the week quite a few times so god but yeah my kids are obsessive it's how i might have to up sheffield bradley walsh we've got to get bradley and barney walsh on we've got to get bradley and barney walsh on well so i was texting one of the uh one of my mates from one of the school dads and he um

he was texting about the boxing there was boxing on on. And I said, mate, kids are going mental for gladiators. He went the same in my house. He went, his wife was at the cinema with her eldest, and he went, we do love it, but I think it's a bit far. She's texted me saying, don't watch it without me. Wait for me to be home. I was like, it's not the wire. It's not like you've got to keep up with a story.

Also, I'd say you could watch it twice. I used to when I was like, it's not the wire. It's not like you've got to keep up with a story. Also, I'd say you could watch it twice. I used to when I was a kid. Fucking hell, it's good. I can't wait. Can't wait. Can I tell you about something that happened at my kid's school this week? Yeah, yeah. So they've had to do speeches.

The primary school are all doing speeches. I think they're doing like speeches about something it's two minutes long about something they care about like and then they all do it in their class and then the class votes are who they're like best and i think there's a school around the corner they're going to go head to head so they'll be like oh my word debate contest yeah so year one will go against year one of that school sort of to build their confidence so my daughter did one about meeting a sloth and stuff and my other daughter did one about our dogs i'm also i found out that my youngest dog is thick it's stupid thank god you said dog oh no no

no my dog so i you know my youngest daughter she is thick she is stupid. No, the dogs. So, you know, people talk about their dogs now. Oh, there's so much character. There's so much fun. I've realised, Fred, the oldest dog, he's like a sort of German office worker. He's so efficient. And he will never get muddy. He goes out, chases a couple of squirrels, comes back,

has some food, goes to sleep. He don't fall over. He don't run into stuff. He doesn't like, oh, what's mine? You know, like dogs in films and cartoons. Oh, what's the other? He's just like, he's so chilled. The other one is lovely and chilled as well, but just thick.

So he runs into the door every day. Just runs into the door. He'll like tread on stuff. He'll fall over. You chuck a blanket on him. Fred will just like bite the blanket, move it off him and then lay on it. The other one, George, he'll be under it for about an hour. But like it's just happened.

Maybe, Rob. Yeah. It's not that George is thick. It's that George is normal dog level and you've got a really clever dog. Well, yeah, but he doesn't do anything wrong for it. Like not wrong, but he's just like if a dog sees a puddle, some dogs just run in it and you're like, oh, what's he like't do anything wrong for it. Like, not wrong, but he's just like, if a dog sees a puddle, some dog's just running it and you're like, oh, what's he like? He just avoids it. But the youngest one, and I think he's thick,

the dog walker said, and we know her quite well and we don't take offense to this kind of stuff, but she said, George is the thickest dog she's ever walked. Which I quite like, because he might as well be the best at something yeah of course it's not like a dog needs to get on do you know it's not like he's got to try and hold down a job but yeah you're not like oh what are we gonna do with him because he's he's dense if you drop a bit of food yeah and then wiggle your hand it wouldn't it won't look down and is he a thick breed whippets no whippets are quite they both whip it they're

both whippets so whippets are quite like they're not super intelligent but they're clever enough you can train them to do what you need to do so they're not a thick you couldn't do much more with them they're not super intelligent but they're not like properly thick but he's just he's got there's nothing you look at he's like he's constantly surprised by everything anyway anyway so they my eldest daughter did a little speech about dogs and then the six-year-old came home and we was like oh what did everyone else do their speeches on so she did one about visiting a sloth some did about going swimming some did holidays some did pets and she said that this girl i can't remember the girl's name she went

yeah she did her speech on her three super cool boyfriends the money i would pay to watch that speech what a legend what at six that i love kids like that at that age imagine just walk out and go yeah so i've got three super cool boyfriends that's what because you had to do something you love that's what was so funny the way she said it was holidays the swimming club their pets and uh so and so did did theirs on her three super cool boyfriends. And did your daughter think that was something to remark on, or was she just thinking that was quite a normal thing? Just very normal, like as if, yeah, that's, of course,

she's got three super cool boyfriends. I think at that age, they sort of talk about any sort of boys that they know. They're like, you know, cousins or like friends of friends. They're like, he that they know they're like you know cousins or like friends of friends they're like he's a boy i know you know and stuff like that but um yeah maybe our three super cool boys cool that is good yeah um i had something happen to me rob that i thought uh i'd be interested in your take on it yes please okay so i uh i've been Acute No Acute Oh no No What are you accused of? No Three

That actually is bad What is? The use of the word accused Because there's no negative here Etc Right Three people In the last month

Have told me They think I have ADHD Classic Classic Yeah Everyone tells me that But I can't bother to find out That's how I feel.

Yeah. I've got the tension for it. I can't be bothered. Too long to do the form. I went to the osteopath and he was like. That's not a good place for an ADHD diagnosis. He's got ADHD. Oh, is he?

Yeah. And he's obsessed with the fact that I've got ADHD. And he always, I was like, I'm not sure I'm buying this, you know. And then I left and I phoned Rose and I was like, I'm not sure I'm buying this, you know. And then I left. And I phoned Rose and I was like, oh, God, he keeps going on about how I've got ADHD. I don't know. I don't really care. And then I went to the bank to pay in the check that I needed to pay in.

All right, sorry, when was this, 1973? Check. It was a VAT rebate. That's what annoys me about the government. They are up your arse for a bank transfer. They owe you money. Here's the check. Fuck off.

Stick it in your account, mate. You know where it comes from. I have to do it every Jan. Here's your check. Fuck off. Anyway, I haven't made a check in for fucking ever. So I get to the bank. Forgot all my cards, obviously, because I've got Apple Pay, so I can't pay my check in. Oh, I haven't made a check-in for fucking ever. So I get to the bank. Forgot all my cards, obviously, because I've got Apple Pay,

so I can't pay my check-in. Oh, you need your cards. Yeah, but I just do Apple Pay, so I've forgotten my cards. It's meant so you can pay for unlimited amounts of money for a certain product on a phone. But when you're getting about a 200-quid tax rebate, you've got to take a check-in. Exactly, yeah.

And then I got, got on the, I actually phoned my agent. I was like, this is, I'm annoying about the cards, but I haven't got ADHD. Got on the tube.

So why don't you run your agent about going to the bar? No, I was ringing out about something else. I was going to say, you're a poor agent. Oh God, nightmare.

Never guess what. Forgot the cards. Yeah, I know. Yes. Send someone from the office. Got on the tube, Rob, nightmare. Never guess what. Forgot the cards. Yeah, I know. Send someone from the office. Got on the tube, Rob. Yeah. Went the wrong way.

By this point, I'm thinking, do you know what? He said I've got ADHD. I've left. I've forgotten my cards. I've got on the tube and gone the wrong way. Do I have ADHD? And then I thought, do do i should i give a fuck and i wanted to ask you because you leave all your crumbs you know you've loose says it's like

breadcrumbs isn't it you're yes you can take every cupboard will be like you she can walk around the house and know what i've done from i will i will start one job and when i'm in the middle of doing that so i'll go and take the bins out and I'll have all the bins pulled out and then I'll get the bags out, tie them up and walk out. And I've not sorted out or put new bin bags in. And then I'll go out and put the bins out. And then when I'm there, I'll go, oh, I need to sort that thing out in the garage. And then about an hour later, Lou will come downstairs

and all the bins will be open but not changed. And then there'll be a cold draft in the house. And I'm like rearranging the garage and doing lots of things. Yeah. But here's, here's something I do that people say is a real classic of it. A, I will just drift off during saying something to someone and not finish my

sentence. Yep. So I'll be speaking to Rose and I'll go, the thing is, and then I'll just stop and I'll just won't finish the sentence because my mind's wandered. Yep. I stop listening to people.

Yeah. I will jump in on what someone's saying if I think I know what they're going to say because I think it's boring to get to the end of the question. Yeah, I do that a bit as well. It's bad, isn't it? So they'll say, I mean, say I was saying to you, if you were saying to me, could you take the check to the bank?

You'd say, could you take the check? And I go, check to the bank, I'm on it. Because I can't bear to wait to the end of the sentence. Well, yeah, it's weird though i i sort of feel like i'm might have adhd you might as well do i care it's just a label thing isn't right i feel like everyone's got adhd in our industry especially well they say comedians are really bad for it don't they yeah but i think that's because it this is a lifestyle that suits that yeah you have to do about a million things at once and there's lots of distraction and stuff like that and you don't like being in an office environment if you've got yes because

if you don't like having a boss because a boss will go do this like this and this is the system the way we work here and yeah and then i'll be like yeah but i cannot work like that i'm gonna have to do my own thing yeah exactly i can't fill in forms i I was saying this to Rose. Oh, same. If you said to me, fill in that passport form, I'd feel like I was on a come down after going to Ibiza for the whole summer. But if they said, go and do an hour of stand-up, I'd be like, yeah, that'd be fine. I'll crack on with that. I'll go stand in front of strangers for an hour.

But if I'm staring at that passport form, and I don't know my national insurance number, I'd be like, fucking hell, I can't deal with this. Well, I think if it's having a negative impact on your life and job and family. I've got a passport for the next nine years. Exactly, you'll be fine. But yeah, so I think sometimes some people like having a label on something. And some people might need medication for it as well,

especially if it's because it's like anything, there's different extremes to it. But you've got asthma, but most of the time it doesn't really affect you but some people it's really problematic where they're going what they do and stuff like that so if it's not affecting you don't worry about it i'd say yeah yeah that's what i'm doing i think as well yeah i've i've created a life and a job where if i have got it actually it doesn't impact me too much no couldn't give a fuck but yeah when i worked in office it was awful oh i used to just, I was a terrible employer. I used to just wander off and go and do gigs. And if I got a gig offer, like a good one, I'd go to the office.

I'd just go to my boss. I'm not going to be in tomorrow. I've got a gig and an audition. She'd say, can I book it off on holiday? And she'd go, well, no, it's the day before and the stuff. There's not much. I didn't say, I was like, I don't do much anyway. I can't imagine there's only a lot missed. I'd spend most of the day before and the stuff there's not much or i don't do much i didn't say i was like i don't do much anyway i can't imagine there's only a lot me i'd spend most of the day not working so if anything i'll probably do as much not here as here and then i went yeah

so can i have a holiday tomorrow she's like no well i'm not gonna be here so we can either put it down as holiday or i'll just have a warning when i get back because it's quite hard to get sacked really what was your office job are you in events weren't you events administrator so I'd answer the phone to people say we need to book a hotel for 200 people in Copenhagen with a meeting room for this day's that day and I take all the information and then I have to bring the hotels and get three different prices I can't imagine a job you'd be worse at yeah that was a lot of forms and then like it's just like they'd be like right we're gonna how much for a jug of orange juice for the day eight pound all right can you do five pound no we could do seven pound okay

much of the hotel rooms 250 okay will you take 200 no 225 yes but we were both on both sides because it was just too light people didn't care so we might as well ring up and go should we just do the 225 thing we'll eventually get out and then this is off it's like we can save half an hour on this call and then you'd have to put it all in the system and then you go to the person okay client here's what they said the price was going to be i got them down to 225. Whereas me and the hotel always knew it was 225. So we'd have to get them to send us a lie in rate.

I need you to tell me a rate you'd never be able to sell the room at. And then I need to offer you a price you'd never let the room out at. And then what we'll do is just put the price that it is and has been for the last year. But I need to show that I've saved them 25 quid per room a good email in would be when have you been criminally out of your depth in your job oh so the worst one this is the so i did i was once in charge of i don't know if i've mentioned this before i i was for some reason in charge of a an investigate it was for doctors an event in where's the capital of pakistan lahore lahore and at this event there was 50 pakistani doctors 50 indian doctors could i just say yeah i'm so i i did that and i was trying to listen to your story but i was just

in my head going i can't believe i fucking got that that was so good that was I was trying to listen to your story, but I was just in my head going, I can't believe I fucking got that. That was so good. That was one of the- Maybe you should have done the event then. That's my knowledge is over. Right. So I was arranging the travel of all the people from India to fly from India to Lahore to go to this meeting for three days, right?

I didn't really understand mail merge. I did the mail merge wrong. Basically, loads of important people from India didn't get their flight tickets. Oh, no. Oh, no. And I was like, I sent them. I sent them.

I remember I was in this meeting room with this bloke who was trying to sort it out. And they were screaming. And I was just so red. I was only like 21, red and panicked and stressed. Didn't know what was going on like that. Oh, God. And then in the end, we had a massive row of them,

and then I think the company had to sort it all out and pay them back some money and then rearrange it all, and it was like that. I don't think I should have been in that position. No, it doesn't feel like that. That should have fallen on your shoulders. Yeah, but it did. And then anyway, a few months later,

quiet day at the office, sorting out my drawers, found the flight tickets when i saw i felt like i found a severed hand in my drawer i just looked i was like i just i just shut it and just sort of stared at the wall for a bit oh and then i said to my mate who i got more if i went um do you want to go to the pub and she went uh for i went to go to the pub for lunch she went yeah all right we're one and she said to the pub for lunch? She went, yeah, right. We'll one. And she said, went to one that didn't have a open fire. And I went,

nah, not that one. What about the one with the open fire? Yeah, right. No worries. I went, so we got there and then I was like,

why the open fire? I went, I need to burn the tickets. Oh God. Oh, God. Oh, that was awful. I feel like I'm worried now people from that job are going to come back to me. I can't get in trouble for that, can I? No, because that was an error.

It wasn't like you stole the money. I also emailed one of the clients at a posh company, like one of them. I don't know where it was, but it was like a, you know, sort of like PricewaterhouseCooper places or them sort of weird legal accounting firms. like PricewaterhouseCooper places or them sort of weird legal accounting firms. I had a mate called Tim and we were all messing about on emails to me and my mates.

And basically I said, oh, fuck off, Tim, you silly, stupid C-U-N-T. Yeah. Said it to a client. Oh, no. I felt like my face was going to explode red. Oh, my God. The one who eats the violet sweet in Willy Wonka.

And she goes all big and purple. I thought it was all big and red. Oh, God. What did you do? I went to Tim. Tim, I am so sorry. That was meant for a friend called Tim, not for you. I feel awful.

I'm so sorry. But he just replied laughing, went, no worries, mate. It happens. Luckily. Jesus. I had a similar. Have I told you about the send to the wrong person? I have told you about snunky time, obviously.

What one? I've told you snunky time. Snunky time. Oh, yeah, about your friend. Yeah, he said snunky. I told you when I was in Devon, it was like the summer of uni, and I had a friend who also, who was from my school, but he also went to my uni and he was flying somewhere

from Bristol airport and he phoned me in a panic and he was like, I've got to Bristol airport and I haven't got my passport. I don't know what to do. Could you do me a huge favour and drive my passport up to Bristol Airport for me? Where was this from? Devon, where we live. So an hour and a half. Yeah.

Otherwise I'm going to miss my flight. And I was like, I can't. But I couldn't. It wasn't like, I was like, I can't. But I'm really sorry. I really feel for you. I know you've been looking forward to this holiday. You know, as a mate, I could only apologise.

Maybe we could do something while you're stuck here. Yeah. It's all right. Yeah. He hangs up. I text my friend from uni and go, the funniest thing in the world is just. But he's forgotten his passport and he can't go go on holiday and then i sent it to him by mistake that's oh no how did you recover from that i do you remember when your nokia would do that

thing where it was sending it was like a like a little conveyor belt yeah and i was like and you're pressing cancel you know it's too late oh and then for the just the like like there was a god it just went message not sent no really it was the greatest moment of my life i've never in my life how did that happen just because the the you're in devon so the the coverage is quite bad so it's patchy yeah oh my god oh yeah but now he knows you thought it was hilarious he doesn't listen i've grown apart i've grown apart uh anything um else oh i'll tell you what i did the other day um last week i had a corporate gig last week right oh yeah doing some stand up after some awards oh yeah and uh it was out in a um windsor way and we've got friends that live uh

in a ascon so you know you get like the hotel room and normally you get dropped off in the hotel room get changed and go and do the gig and then you get driven home um i just took the kids and we had a weekend in windsor oh i was laying in bed at eight o'clock watching gladiators and i was like i do not i do not want to go and do this gig now i've never been crazy and anyway i went out and did the gig it was all good come back and then i was we had two double beds in this room and i was sleeping in um with my eldest daughter who had eaten jammy dodgers on my side of the bed then rolled over onto her side and went to sleep it was like sleeping in a fucking cat litter tray. I was livid.

I've gone out working for this family. And I'm a fucking pound note so that we can have a life. And yeah, so that was quite good fun, but they've got, they're obsessed with me. I've been reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory of them and they're obsessed with like my impression of Augustus Gloop. No, it's just, but they keep making me doing it all the time but like if i'm trying

to get to do something they're like we'll only do that so like you know god right get your coat on we gotta leave it's what we'll only do that if you do the augustus gloop so now i'm like having to be like come augustus come here now my belly's full of chocolate you do proper you do proper um voices for charlie in the chocolate factory and um but they actually started making me do it in You do proper impressions. Voices for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But they actually started making me do it in public to get them to do stuff. So I'm just like wandering around the shop, like, come here, my daddy's slow. I want some chocolate.

Like that. Do you think anyone's like, is that Rob Beckett? And then they see you talking, they're like, oh no, it's just some German bloke. Just some dirty German bloke desperate for a bit of choco. You know, they make me do that, which is quite fun. Someone stopped me in the street

and asked if I was Hugh Dennis. Really? You'll take that? He's six foot. Do you think I'd take that? What? He's 62. I know.

He's 20 years my senior. You're just Googling his age. Rob's face lights up as he Googles you, Dennis. 61. Yeah, he is 21 years older than you, Josh, but he looks great. He does look good for it, doesn't he? He looks unbelievable for that age. Lovely man.

Really nice guy, actually. Really nice guy. Yeah, he looks great. He runs 10K every day, he said to me. Did he? Yeah. Have you ever spoken to his son after Mott the Week? I think we spoke about it.

He's one of the most confident boys in the world. Yeah, sorry. I'd just been on the telly and he made me feel like a little nervous new boy. Good one there, Rob. Sorry, you're 15? Massive shoulders, six foot two. He's from good stock. We should get Hugh on this so that we can ask him about his confident son.

How do you get your son so confident? He's got two kids. There we go. John Dennis, Hugh Dennis's brother. It's so funny. He looks so much like Hugh Dennis, but different. It's like a hall of mirrors. He was the British ambassador to Angola.

Fucking hell, he's from good stock, isn't he, Hugh Dennis? I mean, we should stop talking about Hugh, but different. It's like a hall of mirrors. He was the British ambassador to Angola. Fuck it. That leads to some good stuff, isn't he, Hugh Dennis? I mean, we should stop talking about Hugh, but he's done that thing where he's got together with the partner from the thing he does. Are you trying to say

you want a gay relationship with me? Look, all I'm saying is, you know, give it time. The people are demanding it. What an episode that'll be. If we came out that we'd left our wives to get together. To be a gay couple, to talk about parenting.

I think we might lose a few listeners that have got the Union Jack in their profile. Do you think that would be good or bad for listenership? I think it would certainly spike. I'd say we'd see a huge spike. However, I think our relatability may wane because i'm not saying there's anything wrong with me and you falling in love but i think people would be annoyed that we i think i'll be honest with you there'd be a good there'd be the money would really be

in the low rose and lou podcast i think we're talking about spikes they're flying they're fucking flying at that point that wembley Stadium doing a live show putting up a picture of us two walking in a park together booze around the stadium really

really tapping into the men are shit crowd absolutely destroying it yeah you know I love you Josh but I'm

the curse of parenting how and if I did if Lou did leave me I would you know I'd say you're very much a Leicester to win the league 5000 to one shot of being my next I'm quite unhappily married. And if I did, if Lou did leave me, I would, you know, I'd say you're very much a Leicester to win the league.

5,000 to one shot of being my next partner. Would you prefer to make love to me or Ramesh? Oh, that's, that's a difficult question, isn't it? That is, I mean,

I'd say maybe you, because I only have, I only see you on zoom. Or with Ramesh, I will have to be near him. I'll physically near him more. Do you know what I mean? I feel like Zoom is a bit of a barrier there. If we have done it, we're like...

Well, me and Romesh nearly have to be fair in what we've worn on that show. Yeah, I was just thinking, with Alex Brooker, it's not like there's much more I need to see. Do you know what I mean? We're constantly getting changed backstage. His little outfit, what's his, Bigfoot? He's not Bigfoot, is he? Well, let's see. Let to see. Do you know what I mean? We're constantly getting changed backstage. Maybe in his little outfit as old, what's his big foot? He's not big foot, is he?

Well, let's see. Let's see. Let's nature take its course and find out. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what is going to happen on Friday, Rob. I've got a story that has moved on since the Jason Bell interview. So in a kind of backwards way, in the intro to Jason Bell,

I will be revealing something that then comes up in the Jason Bell interview. Oh, it's like Inception. It's like Inception. A lot of layers to this podcast. Yeah, exactly. Did you have anything else to fill us in on? Should we do a bit of correspondence or small business? I've got a new coat.

Brilliant. Okay. Thought we'd throw you the new coat. It's got a lot of good comments. Okay. But it's a bit of a lot of good comments. Okay. But it's a bit of a statement coat, Rob. Right. Have you got a picture of it?

Well, so it's got nice comments of everyone, but I thought I'd admit this to you. Yeah. I thought you'd take the piss. Okay. So when we did the gig together, I was walking to the venue, I was like, I can't deal with this, and I put my coat in the back.

Oh, Josh, why did you do that? Isn't that pathetic? But that's because I thought, I'm leaving you. No, it's not. It's like Steve Merchant and you are going to go, oh, here he fucking is. Yeah, you don't. The fucking private detective.

Here he comes, the spy. Is it camel coloured? It's a trench coat, kind of beige trench coat. Here he fucking comes. Have you got a photo of it already, D? Yeah, I can show you a photo of it. I'm going to say, before seeing it, I don't think it's a coat, I think it's you in it.

Yeah, I think it's a lovely coat. I've got a lot of it that's a nice coat, I've never got a that coat suits you. Who picked out the coat? Was it you or Rose? It was both of us together. I've got a lot of it. That's a nice coat. I've never got a, that coat suits you. Who, who, who, who picked out the coat? Was it you or Rose? It was both of us together.

So Rose. But you were, you were near her when she decided. No, I love the coat. Okay. Are you sending me the picture of the coat? Yeah,

I'm just finding it. Anyway, it got, it got all creased in the bag, and I was really disappointed with it. I was like, oh, I've creased my nice new coat. Oh, you've just worn your coat. No, because, Rob, because you're already laughing.

You haven't even seen it. No, but I just thought, have you got a hat that goes with it, or is it just the coat? No, I haven't got a hat that goes with it. So it is to wear sort of when it's not too cold, with a jumper on just as a layer for the rain? Yeah. What's it called?

I dress terribly at the moment. It's called a Mac, isn't it? I can't get an handle on it. A Macintosh. There you go. There's the picture. That's not me in it. Obviously, that's a model.

Yeah. Yes. I can tell he's Chinese. I think it's a nice coat. Obviously, I'd like to see you in it. That's not as bad as I thought it was going to be when you said, like, a Mac. I thought it was going to be the one that has, you know, the little belt around the middle.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the Burberry. Yeah, the little waistcoat, you know, like it's a little waist belt. Yeah, to bring it in. The flaps on the... To really show my hips. Yeah, to get that ass out. I think it looks like a nice coat. I'd wear that coat.

Okay, good, good. I'll wear it next time. I'll wear it next time I see you. Yeah. Oh, you shouldn't put it in the bag well it wouldn't just be you rob that's not just a reflection on you that's such a normal it's like it's just it's basically that is a classic coat if someone was wearing a suit and they wanted a coat to go over the top it's quite thin but quite smart and buttoned up

that's nice that's a nice jacket yeah yeah and it's not you in that picture no just to confirm the guy with the jet black French crop the problem is this is the same with me I always look a bit silly and stupid and stuff because I've got a silly and stupid face so have you that's our job accept it that's what we are that's why we do this we look like a lot of the time

I'll try and write a really good joke and I'll just say something about my day and people laugh and I don't know why, but just, just say it again. That's how I do. That's why you do new material. Sometimes I'll say the setup and people will laugh. I'm like,

wait a minute. And then they don't laugh at the punchline. What's going on here? And then I go, what's who's just, I just turn up. You laugh at me. That's something we're in freak show.

Do you know Rob, not to have a go at my own standup, but I'm, I was in yoga this morning this morning we're doing this at 9am what time do you do yoga 7am online or somewhere no just around the corner right okay yeah and the 7am yoga yeah yeah because it's good for my shoulder of course yes of course of course and there's always older men that have been told, you need to do this because of your neck or back.

No offence. Yeah, yeah. And then you can just hear them cracking and creaking. I did a yoga one class before, one I really liked, that had music on and was quite chilled and dimly lit. Did one the other day. No music on, complete silence. It was disgusting.

People breathing is disgusting, Josh. It's like, fuck off. I'm trying to relax. I've got that hog next to me. So she said something about a pose. And she said something like, one of those dolls you used to get in a box or something. Yeah. And then she said, I'm showing my age now.

She was at our age, right? And then she put on a funny voice that I describe as similar to my voice. What did she say? And she said, oh, God, I feel like I'm showing my age now. Do you remember when you used to wind cassette tapes back with a pen? And I thought, that's good stuff. Stick that in a towel. She's stepping on my toes here, not literally. The way way she lunges she will be in a minute

is that a dig she spotted me and i think that is a bit of a dig or your your material is so pedestrian even a yoga instructor can improvise it mid position either or you decide but i do find the i like i love yoga but it's an absolute lottery of you get doing it like you got if you find someone that you enjoy doing it with it's amazing but if you have a new you try a new person and you don't click with them this is what that because i've said before i did one where it was chilled music he actually had a microphone on and it was dimly lit. And I felt like people were doing really advanced stuff,

but if you couldn't do that, there was options that you could do and feel part of the group and it was lovely. That's what I went to. It was brightly lit. I could hear everyone. At one point she went, just lie on your back and do what your body wants. I was like, what? Why, have a wank in our bed?

She went, just like, just breathe how you want to breathe and do what your body wants to do. I was like, no, you're supposed to be telling me what to do. This is a class. Don't listen to your brain. Listen,

listen to your stomach. My stomach's telling you to fuck off. That's what it's telling me. And my brain's telling me, you need to fuck off right now. It's horrible. In the end, I was laid there looking up,

waiting for it to finish. But it's good, it is good for your yoga. You've got an absolute lottery on the instructor. Oh, absolute lottery. We need to do a small business shout-out, don't we? Small business shout-out. Oh, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'll give one to, you know, it's good to do personal recommendations.

Cattle Grid in Windsor, a lovely restaurant run by a friend of a friend, Steve Novak, big up steve uh matt ford's mate actually you know matt ford he's back on the radio by the way after on the radio having spite surgery for spinal cancer poor poor son but he's back on the radio back working only what three four months ago so amazing stuff anyway i went to cattle grid in windsor and i think they might have other ones in london as well but it's like um yeah like a little restaurant in right by windsor train station um i'd say some of the best chicken wings i've ever had and ribs i'm going to put some photos up in the week of what it's of what i had but um yeah um cattle grid windsor um top-notch food if you are in the

windsor area after a little gig weekend with the kids. Massive kids menu as well. Loads of them. I'll tell you, eight options on the kids menu. Oh, my word. Cuisines, chicken burger, beef burger, chicken breast, macaroni cheese, one-minute steak. It's not bad, is it? But yeah, Cattle Grid, Windsor.

That's my small business shout-out this week. Josh, what have you got? Hey, Rob, Josh, and Michael. Thanks for your podcast. I really love it. Please could you shout out my small business, Colour which is home to the book of you the book of you is a childhood memory journal filled out once a year from the age of 1 to 16 includes questions you ask the kid from age 3 you're never doing that you ate a form get rose to do it get rose to do it

the answers are really funny and in one book once a year you have all childhood memory making taking care of that is lovely it's become a birthday tradition and it's fun to look back at past years reading their answers and seeing what they've drawn or written the book comes in six rainbow colors and can be found at color chronicles.com or on instagram at color.chronicles thank Thank you, Ruth. Lovely idea. Rob, we will be back on Friday. Jason Bell. Jason Bell.

Super Bowl weekend. Super Bowl weekend. And he is one of the most inspiring people. We both had an absolute hard-on for him. Man crush. Ex-NFL. And he's got one child with Nadine from Girls Aloud. They're not together anymore, but they still have a very positive relationship parenting-wise,

don't they? Yeah, they do. Good to hear. It's a great story. But, yeah, he was on Strictly as well. Very handsome, very engaging, charismatic. Jeez. Jeez, Louise.

What a guy. Anyway, Jason Bell on Friday. See you then. Bye. Bye.