Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP15: Gobble Gobble...

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. This is an ad for better help. Welcome to the world. Please read your personal owner's manual thoroughly.

In it, you'll find simple instructions for how to interact with your fellow human beings and how to find happiness and peace of mind. Thank you and have a nice life. Unfortunately life doesn't come with an owner's manual. That's why there's BetterHelp online therapy. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video or online chat. Visit betterhelp.com to learn more. That's betterHELP.com. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Oh, no I'm not. What? Why did you say you were ready? Because... Because what? Genuinely... Leave this in, by the way. I thought you meant had you got your quick

time sorted. No, I meant as in are you ready to do the show? I know. So are you ready? But you know what? Let's keep this in as a punishment to me. Now, had you got your quick time sorted. No, I meant as in, are you ready to do the show? I know. So are you ready? But you know what? Let's keep this in as a punishment to me. Now, are you ready? Yes. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Otis?

Can you say Rob? No. Beckett? Black. And Josh? Josh. Widowcombe? Yes. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh.

And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh.

And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh.

And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And Josh. And lifts. I've never heard that. Yeah, once you notice it, because I remember when I used to watch Otis the Aardvark, loads of people used to send him photos of lifts with Otis on, because there's Schindler lifts, which is not ideal.

And then there's Otis lifts. Once you notice them, mate, they're dominating the scene. How'd you get into lifts? Rob, Josh and Michael, this is my 32 month old nephew, Otis. He's a lovely boy, but yesterday had a meltdown over the fact he wasn't allowed an ice sandwich. I'm sending this on behalf of my sister Sophie who's too scared to send it in case.

Rob judges her voice. Her voice, you posh. Pretty short, you can hear what sounds like a fart at the end of the recording but I can assure you it was just a bath toy filling with water. We both love the podcast and can't wait to watch you both live on your tours next year. Thank you. Uh, stay sexy and relatable. Love from Gemma, Sophie and Otis in Bournemouth Dorset.

You doing Bournemouth? Yep. I've got no idea. I read out a list of shows I'm not doing. I've still got people from Woking and Hastings giving me shit. Sorry about that. Someone will say to me, I'm going to see you in X. And I'm not doing. I've still got people from Woking and Hastings giving me shit. Oh yeah. Sorry about that. Someone will say to me, I'm going to see you in X. Yeah. I'm like, I didn't even know I was going there. Well, no. Like not because I've got no respect for it, but because you don't personally book your tour.

So they show you the dates, you read them, you go, yeah, that seems good. Yeah. But then you don't go, and now I've committed to these 48 cities to memory. Well, also as well, it is all based on availability or timing. So for example, if I'm not coming to a theatre, it might be they're booked out for a play over the period that we're doing it, or there's pantomime. And I can tell you now there is absolutely no personal distrust or dislike for your town or city.

If I can sell enough tickets there and it fits in the schedule, I'll be there like a rain up, a rat up a fucking drain bar. Rain up a bloody upside down window. Exactly. Rain up. I'll be raining your asshole. I'll be up you like a otter in the stream. Exactly.

There's absolutely no shade on where you live. It's just trying to fit it all in and timings and dates and stuff like that. I need to get a Glasgow date in, but the Glasgow date I did have clashed with a flying to Australia date so that one had to be moved, but then there wasn't a day available. So it's constantly evolving. That's life. We try to get everywhere, but we can't get everywhere.

But if the people that don't want to travel 20 minutes to go to a bigger town because they want you to go to their like tiny art center, you're going to have to put a bit of a fucking shift in, I'm afraid. I'm making the effort to get to Exeter. Yeah. They can do 20 minutes up the road. You know what I'm saying? Where do they want you to go?

Everywhere, mate. Now, people are just like, oh, you're not coming here? And it's like, I've never even heard of it. Yeah. Anyway, how are you, Josh? Good.

We're doing a correspondence catch-up today. Yes. Loads of correspondence Good. We're doing correspondence catch up today. Yes. Loads of correspondence here. Loads of correspondence here. I should say... I'm so great in code word. I like this. Go on. Oh, I was going to say this. That bit when we were just talking before.

Yeah. I don't know if Michael included it, but it was us basically messing up the start. Us missing out the start? Me messing up the start. I did say you ready, you said yes and then you weren't. I mean, the only way I could be held responsible for that is my judgement in doing a podcast with you could be called into question as a long more of a historical allegation as opposed to in that moment, you know. Well, let's not use the phrase of historical allegations because that's a very different reason to stop doing the podcast.

There have been no allegations to me or Josh about any of our behavior. Historic or current. Historic or current. But let's not rule out future. No, let's not rule out future. I listen to that. Do you listen to Stick to Football with Gary Neville and Roy Keenan people? No, I don't.

I've seen clips of it online, but I don't watch. Oh yeah. There's one where they swear a bit because they're not allowed to a match of the day, isn't it? Yeah, too bad you're right. Ellen Schurmer goes, it's fucking rubbish. No that's, the rest is football. What's the difference?

So rest is football is Alan Shearer, Gary Lineker and Mika Richards. Yep. And they're a bit bloody, you know, they say it's fucking rubbish. Gary Lineker might call Alan Shearer a bald idiot. That kind of thing. Big ears. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

Muscles, Richards. Yeah, yeah. You didn't play many times for England, you, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Muscles, Richard. Yeah, yeah. You didn't play many times for England, you loser. That kind of stuff. Did you play football? Ha ha. Yeah, that kind of stuff, yep.

Got it. And then stick to football is Gary Neville, Roy Keane. Right. Ian Wright, Jeremy Carragher, and Jill Scott. Yeah, I've seen that one, yep. They sit at a big coffee table, like they're waiting for a flight. Yeah, I love it.

I just think Roy Keane is the funniest man in the UK. Whoa, what about me? I think Roy Keane is funnier than any comedian. Really? I love him. He'd be my dream booking for this. He's got four kids, hasn't he? Oh man, I would love to get Roy Keane on this.

I'd quite like his opinion on parenting, because obviously he's quite a harsh, strict character, isn't he, in football. I wonder if that translates into being a dad, strict character, isn't he, in football? I wonder if that translates into being a dad and if so, has it been successful or is he softer with his children? I think he's soft with his children. There's a nice photo of him with his daughter where he showed up at her house and put it

on Instagram. Have you seen that? He's great on Instagram. He's absolutely brilliant. You've got a bit of a hard on for Keenah, haven't you? I just think he's the greatest human being that's ever lived. What's wrong with you? Have you taken drugs? No, I just love Roy Keane and Gary Neville. Anyway, correspondent?

Yeah. Afternoon, evening, morning. Delete as appropriate. It's morning. You three marvellous beauties. Just listened to your fourth of the tenth, 2024. That was last Friday. Michael's that little copy and paste top of the list. Sorry, everyone. Yep. Here we go. Episode where he invited alternatives, parent health specific acknowledgments like crunch crunch. What's crunch crunch? So David Earl and Joe Wilkinson have a really good podcast called Chatterbix where they just you know chat nonsense and then interview people and stuff like that.

They're quite awkward in social interactions. I think they all say that themselves out and about. So their listeners will go crunch crunch as in eating breakfast cereal as a way to say hello. I'm a fat. I listened to the pod cause normally we're so busy with the kids out and about. We felt if there was a word or a phrase that we could use for people to say hello, but without interrupting us, but we could have a moment where we see each other and say hello and it not be too long winded and my kids and your kids get in the hump and you hump and stuff like that. They had a similar but different thing with, not similar but different, but like on Adam and Joe

back in the day, years ago when they used to do the Adam and Joe show on Six Music, was it? Or was it even X, I don't know. Where they had someone who'd written his own superhero comic about himself and he was called Steven. And they had this superhero comic and he'd shout Stephen as he arrived at a event. Yeah. And they found it really funny

that his catchphrase was Stephen. I think it was Stephen. So events, if you're in a big crowd, someone would shout out Stephen. And then if you were also an Adam and Joe listener, you'd shout out Stephen. Right. I like it. Anyway.

Should we just do that? This person has offered up gobble gobble. Oh, due to your porridge. Yeah, gobble gobble. It just makes me feel a bit icky. I'm the same because I just think of like, blowjobs. If a stranger came up and whispered in my ear, gobble gobble. Gobble gobble. Yeah, it's not a nice thing to be shouted at you. No, I think crunch crunch is like, boop boop, gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble yeah it's not a nice thing to be shouted at you no i think crunch crunch is like gobble gobble is like boom boom you want something that's up up though you're not got i'm not sure about gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble having seen robert london bridge recently with his daughter i swerved saying hello has he just hit her but i

I swear saying hello but did wonder what I could do if he'd been alone or just with other adults perhaps I could have said gobble gobble and it was a convenient time to say quick hello and have a selfie he could have replied in kind. No I think it's either the gobble gobble you don't do the gobble gobble and the selfie that the gobble gobble we're not doing gobble gobble we need something else. No she's got quite a good thing that if she says gobble gobble and the selfie that the gobble gobble, we're not doing gobble gobble. We need something else. She's got quite a good thing that if she says gobble gobble, if you then reply gobble, that's saying, thanks for acknowledgement, but I'm too busy for a selfie at this moment. Okay. But if I go, Oh, hello, you're right. Right. Okay. So she goes gobble gobble.

This is going to ruin our lives, Josh. A lot of people listen to this. This is going to be hell. Gobble gobble gobble. Fucking turkey farm. We're burning Matthews. Imagine being with someone also who doesn't listen to podcasts. So let's be honest.

Everyone we know except us listen to our, like none of our friends listen to the podcast. Imagine being with someone and someone comes up to you and says, gobble gobble and you reply gobble and then they walk off. I mean, I think the way they do it is it's more of a passing light. It's like a wave and walk, crunch, crunch, wave and walk, gobble, gobble. This may get too complicated. The most part of me that thinks, Rob, the genie is out of the lamp.

And it's too late. It's too late now, isn't it? It's now gobble, gobble. OK, it's gobble, gobble. It's not really our decision to make at this point. I tell you what, let's do gobble, gobble, I reckon. And then, like I say, if it is not a good time, and we just go gobble and a thumbs up,

they'll go, all right, fair enough. But if it is, they'll go, hello, you're all right, and then can have a quick selfie. But also as well, if they say gobble gobble, I know that that means, hello, can I have a selfie? And I go, yeah, and we do it quick and it's done. Cause that was the London Bridge. I was trying to get a training my daughter

and this woman come up to me and she was really polite. She was like, oh, hello, I don't wanna stop you because I know you like with your daughter and you don't wanna be stopped cause're trying to get have a day with it. And I don't want to take up too much time with you. Because I know that you don't like this when it takes too long and your daughter's hanging around. So I don't want to waste your time. I mean, sorry, I was just like, just ask for the fucking photo. It's just taking so long. The other thing is, you can't say, Gobble. Do you want a photo?

You can't say, If they say hello, I can go, do you want a photo? I'm doing it now, cause I'm on the move. No, I don't want the photo. I'll just say you've left your lights on the car. Okay, thank you. I'll go change them.

Gobble, gobble. Also you can do it to Michael, if you see him. How do you think this will play out, Michael? Do you think this is a good idea? I think this is gonna haunt my life. Well, I'm just about to share a link with you guys, which I don't know whether the person who sent this in is aware of, but I'm going to discourage it for this reason. Oh, God.

Do you remember the Adam and Joe thing, by the way, Michael? You'd have been into that wouldn't you? I do remember the Adam and Joe thing, yeah, yeah. But there's the term gobble gobble in film or cinematic popular culture is there's a reference to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez film called Giggly, which is awful. Oh, it's one of the worst films of all time. It's known to be, isn't it? I've never seen it. Yeah. But there's a scene where the phrase gobble gobble is used. So just watch that clip. Oh, God. I've got to play it now. Where are you going? Wait.

It's turkey time. Huh? Gobble gobble. Oh, gosh, she says it's turkey time, opens her legs and says gobble, gobble. We can't do gobble. I don't mind the idea for this game, but can't be gobble, gobble. Bill? Yeah. What could it be? Keep them coming in.

But if you gobble, gobble me, I'm going to ignore you and walk on. Yeah. But thank you for the intro. But we will come up with something. And if you could come up with also the response that we need to give. Yeah, because I like the idea of a two option response. Because sometimes, like, if they're nice people and if, like, the kids are being insane, I can have a quick phone and it's fine, but then sometimes it just isn't the right time.

So I think this is a really good way to keep everyone happy. Except people that don't listen to the podcast. Yeah, and they'll just go, Oh, where's Ramesh? So I blow his head, he went to me, Didn't fancy Australia with Ramesh then? And I was like, Pardon? He went, didn't fancy Australia with Ramesh?

I went, I don't know what you mean. I went, oh, he's on tour in Australia? He went, yeah. I went, no, no, I didn't. I thought this was really awkward. I didn't know what to say, Josh. I was like, no. You'd be insane to go to Australia.

Just to watch Romesh's tour 18 times. How little do you think I've got in my life? Sometimes you just fly back to Melbourne with Adam Hills, don't you? I just can't comprehend sometimes how little people think I have going on in my life. Guy sat next to me on the bus.

Yeah. And he started talking to me. He was like, oh, you did comedy and stuff. And he's like, do you know what would be good? You should do a travel show with me and we'll go all around Asia. Cause I know loads of people that go there all the time I was like, okay fine whatever and then I bumped into him in the street about a month later And he said I'd taken his number because obviously this guy's keenly and he was like you haven't got in touch me

I'm like I wanted to go mate I'm not gonna go away with you I'm not gonna go away with you Imagine going to channel 4 hi guys got an idea. Yeah, you know this guy I don't even really but don't worry about that and then when a bus we're gonna go around Asia Why did I really just sort of bullied me into it on the bus? Yeah, I'm told Rose, but I'm sure she'll be fine with it Yeah, he knows loads of people. Yeah loads Good I didn't say she was ever there to walk past something He knows loads of people. Yeah. Loads. Yeah, so she'll be good. I was in St. Troies over there and I walked past something,

there was an older lady and she was with her daughter, daughter was still like in her 40s, but the older lady was probably mid-60s, she went, oh here he is, trying to hide are you with that beard and those glasses? And I was like, what, pardon? She went, trying to hide are you? And then her daughter went, he's had that beard for ages.

And she went, oh all right, you had the beard, but you're trying to hide those glasses? I went, no, I'm trying to hide, oh yeah. And then her daughter went, he's had that beard for ages. And she went, oh, all right, you had the beard, but you're trying to hide those glasses. I went, no, I'm trying to see. I can't see without them. And where is his glasses? He can't see without his glasses. I like this idea, but we need, we can't do Gobble Gobble because it insinuates having oral sex with Jennifer Lopez, which I'm not against. I don't think it's a good. Yeah. But also

if Jennifer Lopez is a fan of the show and she was to come up to us and want a selfie, I don't know if she wants me to look her out. It's difficult. Do you want that selfie or do you want me to let you out? Or do you know me from TV? I don't understand why you're saying gobble gobble. Do you fancy me or do you listen what's going on here? Is it turkey time or is it parent in hill time gobble gobble? You tell me okay Cuz either way is he yes, okay, you're making from the bottle off. Okay, I can assume That we need other suggestions for the word, but that's what it's gonna be So let's keep that on hold on I think that get a better word because now I've seen that video I can't have

men and women coming up to me shouting gobble gobble in my face on the bus hi Rob and Josh just wanted to have a say in your topless running chat as a runner I can confirm it's not because we're getting hot it's because we like to look cool when we do it right like cyclists who shave their legs from HA well you don't look cool while you do it that's the problem no you don't and calling yourself HA is no good either. What, are you the fucking king or something? H.R.H., H.A.

Just give us your name, mate. But yeah, topless running is not good. No. Unless it's near the beach. That's what we said, isn't it? Yeah. Hi, Rob and Josh. I was lucky enough to have a pony as a kid

and I am delightful. Lovely. Rob, all those hours spent mucking out, grooming, fixing fences and tearing around the countryside with my friends meant I never had time for boys or any interest to meet any to my late teens. Definitely a plus for my dad and something to think about. Right, okay.

Yeah. I'm not getting a horse or pony for my kids by the way. That's not happening. But you are aren't you? Absolutely not. No way. I'm scared of it. I'm still a bit nervous with my dogs. Yeah, but I don't think it matters whether you're scared or you don't have to do anything. I will have to sort that whole thing. When it all goes wrong and that all needs something to do it, so I'm going to be the one in there trying to look at his feet and get a vet in. No, you're not. They'll get a blacksmith.

What? A farrier, aren't they? Oh, is that what they're called these days? These days? That old woke millennial job, Farrier. Surely Blacksmith's still a job, isn't it? Blacksmith does a similar thing, but Farrier just specializes in feet and hooves, shoes. Oh, right, okay, right.

What do wild horses do without shoes? Well, you know a lot about this. What, are you thinking of getting a horse? Oh, I know everything, mate. I know a little about everything, not a lot about nothing. Yeah, fair enough. I love the podcast.

Oh, we don't need that bit. Okay. Should say her name, it was Kate. It was Kate. Oh, she's going to see you in Swindon? Yeah, but I don't think we need to be reading out the bits, which are that kind of stuff, are we? Hey, she's made the effort to write this in.

Love the podcast, love the live show at the O2, and we can't wait to see Josh in Swindon. Are you not doing Swindon, Rob? She's not mentioned me there, okay? Yeah. Kate doesn't want to come and watch me do stand up. Okay, and that's fine. Where's Swindon?

Are you doing Swindon, Rob? I'm not doing Swindon, I don't think, am I? I don't know. I'm gonna type into Google. Oxford or Reading? Oxford or Reading. Do you know what you need to do, Kate? Pull your fucking finger out and get down the M4

Get on your fucking horse get off and on your high horse No, I'm doing fucking Swindon. Oh Yeah, I am Sunday the 24th of November this year 8 p.m. The Wyvern Theatre same as you Josh classic It's a class about you muck out your own brain Kate and get down giraffe? Or the wyvern. Or is that an animal you don't like? What is a wyvern? No, I meant a giraffe. Oh, right. A wyvern is a mythical winged to the creature that's similar to a dragon. Is it? Yeah, why is it called that? What's a mental name for a fear?

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Comes from the Latin word vipera, which means viper. There we go. It's a vi? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Comes from the Latin word vipera which means viper. There we go. It's a viper dragon. It's a viper dragon. Must be something to do with Welsh. It's not in Wales, Swindon. It's near it, isn't it? Not really, no. Isn't it? No, it's a Wiltshire. Yeah, name, origins. I've got to find out. You crack on, I'll find out the origins of the name of this here. OK, hi, Rob and Josh. I'm just listening to the unofficial Hacks special episode. What was that? OK, the mythical beast similar to a dragon, which was once thought to be the emblem of the kings of Wessex.

That's why it's called that. And the theater is bursting with magic and escapism. Is it? Well, no, but that's what they've said is a drag. Well, it might be. It will be on November the 24th. I'll tell you that. I'll show you some magic and escapism. Yeah, I'll tell you what's escapism a man with hooves on his feet on a poster There you go. Yeah, that's pretty magical. That is magic and escapism half man half draft You remember our unofficial hacks special episode unofficial hacks. What do you mean? I've just listened to the unofficial hacks special episode Yeah, yeah, I remember that

What happened on it? I don't remember that. Which is part of the legacy, isn't it? It seems glarely and obvious, but still to this day, I fail to do it most of the time. We always pack a change of clothes for our kids, pants, socks, even shoes and coats in case the first ones become soiled.

Yeah. What we never seem to pack for is if our clothes become soiled. I first had this epiphany when we went on a day out to a vintage steam train complete with Sunday lunch treat for grandad's birthday. Absolutely, of course it was. The train was mostly full of elderly couples all enjoying the scenery and nostalgia of the train. Then there was us, our two year old fucking hell that's not a place for a two year old. Screaming, banging, banging on plates, et cetera, to sufficiently destroy the ambience.

For the big finale, just as dessert was being served, he promptly threw up all over my lap. It just kept coming. I had no choice but to sit there, let the hot sick gather in my crotch, unmistakable sense, now filling the carriage. Of course, we had a complete change of clothes for our little man, but we didn't have any such change.

For me, I had to sit for the remainder of the train line, damp crotch, stinking, sick, regretting all of my life decisions. She's saying we should pack her clothes changed for ourselves. You can't be doing that, can you Rob? I think that's too many clothes. I think it's too many. You have to basically have like a sports bag, like you know like... Yeah, I know every day is a night away.

Yeah. I get it, but then how like, Yeah, I know. Every day is a night away. Yeah. I get it. But then how often is that? And that's a one day. You just covered in shit for a day. I think you just have to accept that. I love listening to your podcast and lost count of the number of times I've laughed out loud listening to your chats, especially when Rob forgets why he's even started talking about something. Yeah, happens a lot. Stay sexy and relatable. Marianne in Stoke and Trent. You going Stoke and Trent, Rob? Absolutely. No idea. Probably. Yeah, happens a lot. Stay sexy and relatable. Marry Ann in Stoke and Trent. You going to Stoke and Trent, Rob? Absolutely. No idea. Probably. See, in Stoke. Here we go. Boomer parenting. Hi Rob and Josh. Thank you for the podcast. I am a mam to Alfie, 17 months. I especially love listening to the Friday episode of my way to swimming lessons, which is usually

traumatic but good to have a laugh after. I'm writing this message on behalf of my brother and cousin. This didn't happen to me, but I think we're all mentally scarred from the whole thing. Our granddad bought a farm in his retirement and we used to spend a lot of time there. He tried raising lots of animals, but without much experience, there were quite a few hairy situations. As a result, many of us, me and my cousins became quite scared of the animals and being at the farm, as sometimes they would get inside the house or be inside the car when he picked us up from school. This, this guy's an absolute nutcase. To help my brother and cousin conquer their fear, my granddad took them into the stables at night

and locked them inside. It was completely dark and couldn't see anything, but could feel chickens flapping and screaming, hitting them on their body in their face. He wouldn't let them out until our dads had come to get them. He saved the day, his attempt to cure them failedled and now me and my brother both live in London and our collective birdfruits is so extreme. I have to see a hypnotist and we both would cross the street to avoid a pigeon. Oh Jesus. Oh wow. That's Jen and Simon. They stay related by lots of love. Wow.

These old people are fucked up man. Yeah. I did read a thing on, I mean, it was on Lad Bible, so I don't know how true it was, about how much more time millennials are sparing with, have you seen this? So I do think that older generation, as much as we sort of moan and slug them off, but it was a different time. So modern dads seem to be spending significantly more time with their children compared to previous generations. Fathers today are more actively involved in childcare and household responsibilities, a shift from traditional roles.

The generational comparison shows how societal changes, more flexible work environments and evolving expectations of fatherhood have contributed to this trend. Dads are now not only spending time with their kids, but also building deeper emotional connections. I mean, there's absolutely no link to a study or bit of it. Lad Barbara basically just put this up with a picture of Will Smith with his kid in. I was like, Oh, I was waiting for it to say a study shows. They just make up shit, don't they on that channel? I think. Yeah. Do you know what? Apologies for that. What's a load of bollocks? Ha ha ha ha ha! Fucking talk about, like, hearsay, bloke down the pub. Citation needed.

Yeah. Rob, question. Yeah. You know, when you just go down a wormhole online, I went down an online wormhole, and I started reading about, you know, those billionaires that aren't going to leave any money to their kids? Yeah. Well well Bill Gates?

Yeah, and I was reading them and they were like, it'll cause them psychological, you know, it'll cause them problems if I leave them this money. And I was thinking, I think I'd be more scarred if I knew my dad had three billion pounds. Yeah. And then he'd given me zero Yeah, but the thing is they're not gonna give him zero are they no and also it's like they're not dead yet They're probably already like Bill Gates like these 60s 70s. These kids are probably 25 30 Probably what is he not giving them money for an house or paying for holidays? I don't know ready I don't say even when they die without the money. They've still got all the connections. That's worth more than money Well, is it worth more than money, Rob?

Well, not worth more than all the billions, but he's got 10 billion Bill Gates, right? So if he just gives his kids 10 million each, that's enough, isn't it? Oh, yeah. But there's some who are going to give them nothing. Gates announced in 2011... No, it's Bill Gates isn't the one I was reading about. Oh, Bill Gates is going to give him 10 million dollars each. That was it. I'd take it. I'd take it. That's fine. That's enough.

I'd absolutely take it. I think what he saw is... No, I wasn't talking about Bill Gates is going to give him $10 million each. That was it. I take it. I take it. That's enough. Absolutely. Take it. I think what he saw is talking about Bill Gates. All right. Sorry. I think Elton John said he's passing on no money. Well, he spends it. I'm not surprised. Like that. Did you? I enjoyed that. It's a good bit of comedy. Good bit of fun. Good bit of fun. I just feel like he, you know what I wish he did at grass den which was whip the wig off. Yeah, put his arms right into the crowd fry it to the crowd and then just live the rest of His life bald. So when you go wig, right? Yep

Do you see that school you'd hold your top? That's good. Yeah, I'm done. I'm afraid it no I think cuz as men get older they actually go night There is not enough to move there. It's feasible. I love spotting a wig. So if you've got a wig like Elton John, when's he taking it off? Like is that set on the whole time? You can get ones that are on like, you get it on, it's on for like two months and then

you get it changed every two months where it's like literally glued to you. Yeah, like is he doing that? Surely? I've got no idea. He can't be taking it off every night can he? You wouldn't take it off every night? Why would you bother doing that? If he can glue it on your head it looks like proper hair. Yeah. And then they just change it every two months because the glue starts coming off. Yeah. Why doesn't he just get hair transplant? Too late for that now do you think? Maybe. Get him on. Get him on. I love that, you know, when they do a big sit down, they go, like, you know, like when

they used to go like Jonathan Ross or, you know, like they do their big interviews on Radio 6 music or it's Radio 2 and then someone just goes, what's going on with your head? Yeah, do you think, you know, when they do an interview and they're like, you can't say this. So it's a bit like the, the print and interview I've found out from that show is like originally they were like you can't talk about Epstein. They were like, well, we're not going to do the interview. Right. But like, that's just mad. Like, do you think Elton John has to his PR has to go? You

can't mention that he has a wig. I think they'll be scared to do it because he'd get the amp because he's got a reputation for being a bit touchy. But I think the bald man, I'd say is the last person you can just take the piss out of willingly for an appearance that is out of their control. Yes. Like whether you are bald, cause you've got bald male pattern, baldness, you are bald and it's like, oh, it's like the ed, baldy, that bald bloke over

there, you wouldn't go that fat bloke. Yeah. You can't even say that because you know, and even, you know, like I know there is factors in the body, but you've got more say over being fat than being bald. You've got zero say over being bald. What that bloke over which one? The one with three buckets of chicken. Him, right? The fat bloke. I'd say you're disproving your own point here, Rob, with what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, but the bald man. So if you have a bald head, but you wear a wig, it's sort of no one's allowed to bring it out. But then if you go full bald, you get absolutely pelters.

Yeah, well look at Frank Lampard. What about him? During the Euros, Gary Lineker made a bald joke about Frank Lampard. He didn't like it, did he? He didn't like it. God. It wasn't even on Gary Lineker's edgy podcast either.

It was on BBC. Straight up BBC. He's too busy on his podcast. He forgot that he was on TV and he started making bloody bald jokes. It's like being himself. Do you know what, just quickly, Michael, as a man without hair yourself, do you agree with Rob that you're the last bastion of physical target? Well, I don't think I've been targeted for probably close to 20 years. So I've never, and the only time I did- Do you work alone? Yeah, I work alone. A guy didn't stop at a pedestrian crossing when he could. So I've never, and the only time I did- Did you work alone? Yeah, I work alone. A guy didn't stop at a pedestrian crossing when he could.

So I sort of raised my hands up like, come on, mate. And he said, fuck off Baldi to me. And he had less hair than I had. So I sort of didn't understand the sort of slam slash cell phone. I was so confused. Fuck off Baldi is so funny. That's the problem. Fuck off Baldi is hilarious, isn't it?

I did once get into a fight with someone outside of a pub because he said, as I walked in and went, Oh, here comes Harry Hill. What did you say? I just fronted up to him and then his two mates stepped in and it got a bit hairy. So how do you deal with that? Do you go like, fuck off? Or do you go down the route of like, I'll feed you. It's funny. Is it that? Just gone bald? Did you shout fight fuck off? Oh, do you go down the route? I'll feel as funny as it that just gone bald Did you shout fight when you um?

It's the eyebrows versus the Have you ever have that happen to you where someone's giving you some shit and you've given them shit back and absolutely ruined them with online I did an ascot where was it asked if I was pissed in this bloke was in an orange suit line. I did an Ascot where everyone was pissed and this bloke was in an orange suit, like all orange, and he started saying, oh, Becket, where's Ramesh? Where's Josh? What the fuck off Becket? Your teeth and all that. I just turned around and at the top of my voice went, fuck off Stelios from EasyJet. And honestly, it ripped to race calls. The whole crowd laughed at him. It was so much an Orange too, and it's such an old reference,

a Stelios from EasyJet. I think a slightly old-dated reference is more brutal than if you'd said, fuck off. Orange can't also, yeah, but also Stelios was just like, basically, if you can do a good fuck off with a good observation about someone

that no one else has really caught, whereas if he was bald or if he was overweight and I called him either of those things, people would just be like, oh, this is getting a bit just aggy. But if you can get an observation that people have thought but not really realizing is just at the back of their brain and their association with orange and stellios from Aziget is there, that really works. I think if you go into just like Ariel or Baldi or stuff like that, it doesn't get much. I think being bald is... Says a man with hair.

What's your experiences of being a black woman as well, Josh? Do you want to share that? I think... Yeah, do you want to tell us how that feels? There's a lot of bald sex symbols now and there wasn't when I was growing up. Like I think it's become sexier. Duncan Goodyear? There was Duncan Goodhue. Like Jason Statham's, you know, people are always going on about how much they fancy Stanley Tucci these days, don't they?

Statham's very sexy, yeah. Yeah, there is an element of that which I don't think existed when Elton John was worrying about losing his hair in the 80s. Well, I think actually if you shave it off and have a good bit of stubble and go for it, it's quite, it shows a level of confidence. Yes shave it off and have a good bit of stubble and go for it, it's quite, it shows a level of confidence. Whereas if you have a comb over or you're still trying to manipulate less hair, it looks like you're more insecure of it.

If you just shave it and go, this is what I'm going for, I think that commands a bit of respect. Yeah. When did you make the jump, Michael? I shaved my head at 21, but purely because I was a student and I couldn't afford to keep getting my hair cut. So I just shaved it all off. It looked better than any haircut I'd ever had apart from when curtains were a thing for one summer in about 95. And then outside of that, I'd never had good hair. So actually it did me a favor. I sort of got ahead of

the curve. And then by the time everyone has sort of had that male power and boldness, I'd had a skinhead for 10 or 12 years. Will Barron You were just a shaved head guy. Jason Vale Yeah. Also, I have a theory that if you've got thin hair or you lose your hair, nature rewards you with a decent shaped head. My friends had had good hair in their 20s and 30s. When they eventually lost their hair, they've got a lot of weird,

bobbly, alien heads and cone heads. They've gone from being like handsome, like eight, nine out of ten, to like a five or six, and they can't deal with it. They can't cope with it. But also pre-beard is too much skin. To quote an ex-girlfriend of mine, she was like, there's too much skin. You've got to do something about this. So what's your views on the transplant crew? I think each to their own, but it's not. I've never cared. You're listening to Radio 4 with me, Josh Willicombe and our guest today, Michael Marden, producer, executive at Keep It Like Media, who has been bought since 21.

I genuinely would love for like a week just to have really great hair, like really amazing hair. What would you go for? What would you go for? Let's get you a wig. Just to see if I'm treated differently. Get it on Channel 4. That and my show about traveling around Asia. That's a whole evening. The secret baldie. Oh, the secret baldie.

And then you'd walk around, Michael, with your wig on. And then at the end of the week, you'd meet another bald man and you go, I've got to tell you, I'm also bald. He's won a million pounds. Well, there's a really great series of episodes of 30 Rock where she dates John Hamm briefly. And he's so handsome that he doesn't realize how much privilege there is by being good looking. And I do wonder if I had just really, really great hair, would the world be a different place for me?

I think it's kind of height as well. Like you see these big tall people, like if you look at this, like the thing of all CEOs and powerful business people are really tall, intimidating. So that definitely makes a difference. Do you think you get less respect to the boardroom because of your head, Michael or more? In the boardroom? In the boardrooms. What are you doing Dills?

Do you think I get less or more respect now? Because I don't have hair. Yeah, Daniel Eck at Spotify is bald, isn't he? Yeah. But so is Eric Tenhag. So it can kind of go either way. Bezos is bald. Yeah, I think he suffers from the too much skin problem. It's like an egg. He's got no problems that guy. That's he rips now. Michael, I tell you what, because we're going to film this more. How about then when we've got we're all set up. You want to do absolutely not.

Absolutely. No, there's no fucking way I'm appearing on camera. I think we get you a little bit of a hair. What we'll call like a hair piece that's like semi secure for a week. You've got to try on once, Michael. You got to try on once just for this. And get it done properly. We'll get it done properly.

We'll spend money on it and get it done properly. You have it for a month and see how you get on and maybe see how you get on creatively. See if you're a better creator or a businessman. Three year, maybe three years. Three years. Let's say three years and then we'll get in the meeting with the accountants and see what's happened to the bottom line. And we'll shave our heads. We'll go bald, you go air and see if it affects business.

Imagine if we said, look, all we're going to do is a little test. We'll put a wig on you and you go and buy a coffee and come back and see how it feels. Yes, that's a good idea. And then if you bumped into an ex at that point, it would be absolutely- Or you get maybe on your ex's arm to talk through what you look like and what you're actually, I know no idea is a bad idea. That was a bad idea. That was a bad idea. Yeah. Well, actually, I know no idea is a bad idea. That was a bad idea. That was a bad idea, yeah, yeah. Do you think our careers would be what they are, Rob, if we were incredibly good looking?

So you're asking me to answer a question about now? Yeah, so what I mean is- Not even a- So, anyway, less or more good looking. I think, I genuinely think as a comedian, if you're too handsome, it does lose a little bit of your face and your persona has to suit what you look like, whether you like it or not. So, you know, there's comedians out there that are hilarious, but were really handsome

and young and moany, but actually their routine suited a slightly disheveled older person. Yeah. It depends on your act. Yeah, it reminds me of... We'll get back to the correspondence. I was just going to say when Daniel Kitson compared Joel Domet on and said, he is a much better comedian than you think he's going to be when you meet him. It's true. It's true. No one expects a good looking going to be when you meet him. Yeah, it's true. It's true. No one expects a good looking person to be funny.

It depends on your act, but I think you need to, it helps to look a bit odd. Yeah. Cause it just helps the punchlines get over the line. Yeah. Oh, we've got lots of playground shaggers, but are we saving them for a special occasion? Or do you want to finish on one? Let's finish on one playground shaggers,

send him more, then we'll do another special on them. Hiya guys. Thanks for being section relatable, but your podcast is the highlight of my week. I don't have kids but work and education so fully understand the hilarity of the little bundles of joy. You recently asked for top shagger stories from schools, this brought up a story from a recent visit to one of the schools I support. It was a sports day and all hell broke loose between two mums on the field, following the mum and child race, with the head teacher threatening to call the police. Oh God.

That's when as a head teacher, you know you've lost control. Ha ha ha ha. They were up as if the police called, I'm gonna call the army. Yeah. Ha ha ha. The army can't do it. Military state called him because of playground shaggers. We need a

nuclear bomb. Within the school there were two children in year one and year two whose school staff had always thought looked quite similar. Oh God. Oh no. But we hadn't thought much else about it until sports day. The two mums and their children were taking part in the annual wheelbarrow race. Do you remember the wheelbarrow race? Yeah. Whereby the parents grab their children by the ankles and the child crawls on their hands to the finish line. The dad arrived to watch his bundles of joy finish the wheelbarrow race, only to realise he recognised more than just his partner. He recognised the other mum too, and his partner's friends remarked on how similar the two children looked,

how they looked like twins from certain angles. The penny had dropped. Dad had been getting more than a pasty from Greggs in his lunch hour and had been shagging the local pasty lady from Greggs whilst his partner nursed his baby at home. Oh no. Little did he know she had later had a child and now both children are attending the same school just one year apart. Fucking hell. This is awful. What followed was a lot of hair pulling, squaring, and screams of, you've been shagging my man,

you shaky tart. Shaky tart, great turn of phrase. To the delight of all parents and small children watching. The dad just watched on mortified. He's got to step in there. I think he's done too much stepping in to be honest. What a delightful sports day, that's her. I won't give her a name even though she's given it just in case.

So did they not know about each other? No. Men are awful aren't they? Men are awful, yeah, yeah. I don't want to go woke, but men are bad aren't they? But I don't think, if you're the bit on the side there Rob, I don't think I'd fight back because it's not what are you attacking the wife over? I defend myself push her off, but you can't hit her back because you know,

you've done wrong. Yeah. Unless neither of them knew and they've just had a row and they're angry. Yeah. But really he should be the one being attacked. Yeah. No one should be being attacked. If someone were to be attacked, it should be him by both women.

Yeah. He'd probably like that the sick fuck fuck. Gobble, gobble. Do you know what? The fallout of that is brutal. Also, they can't go Greg's anymore. Exactly. There's loads of problems out going on here. Right, so do a small business, shout out, and send in more playground shaggers. We'll try and put them all together.

Yeah. Yeah. Rob and Josh, huge thanks for the podcast. My name is Ewan, and although I have no kids, I'm 20, I've listened to every single episode you've made. Thanks Ewan I was wondering if you could give my small business a shout out. My sister and I run a small business selling Scottish Siganand dubs traditional kilt knives. I don't know if I've said that right Siga and dubs SGIAN DUBHS S G I A N D U B H S. Traditional kilts knives. These are beautiful knives handmade from horn and silver and some revenue from each knife goes towards developmental charity work in Nepal. Thanks for the last of the year stay sexually relatable. So the website here is

get a load of this www.sgian-B-H dot Scott. Blimey. They're little knives for kilts. Oh. They're nice actually. Yeah. Look at those. Oh, you got a little lid for it. I don't know how you say that word though.

Sigindub, Sigindub, Sigindub. Sigindub. Small business from you, Josh? Day one listener here. Thank you for the many years of laughs and relatable anecdotes. Can't wait to see Rob and Josh next year in Newcastle. Can I have a small business shout out please?

This would go down so well with my kids, Rob, who I haven't actually talked about this. They've got fucking craft obsessed. What your kids have? It's genuinely problematic in our house because of the mess. Yeah, it's just messy. There's loads of little bits everywhere.

Yeah, my son woke up at seven on Saturday and the first thing he said was, can we do some crafts? And you're like, fuck me. And I was crafting till 1230, five and a half hours of straight crafting. He was intense. They love it. Both of them, didn't they? My kids got back into Play-Doh. He's just got into it in the last week since he went up to nursery class.

So there's lots of crafting. He wants to keep up with the other crafters. He wants to keep up with the other crafters, He wants to keep up with the other crafters Rob. My small business is called Raising Craftees. That's craft double E S. In August I started creating themed craft kits for children three plus. Our kits provide no prep and pretty much no mess. They're the perfect kits to take out for meals, traveling or rainy days stuck in the houses. Everything you need is stored in the trusty Raising Crafties bag, crafties. They are educational, help children with many different skills.

We also have a range of custom travel bags for children to choose what they would like for their journey. I know it's early, but we have our Christmas range available. It's never too early. Oh, that looks like they'll be good for a flight as well. Please help me quit my day job one day and check us out At www.raisingcrafties.com and give us a follow on Instagram Facebook and tik-tok at raising crafties

We have a discount code. It is new 15 1 5 for 15% off your first order many. Thanks Christy Let's have a look at it. Got it. It's good. It's great Also, anyone out there that is trying to start something new or go on their own, good luck. And it is scary. Yeah, it is terrifying. Terrifying, but if once you do take that leap, most of the time it's easier than you think it's gonna be because you'll just tell yourself you can't do it.

And also be like, oh no, but I need the safety and security of this big company. I got made redundant twice at a company where it's just like, that's where actually that helped me. Cause I was like, do you know what? It's not a secure safe job. I might as well give it a go. And even if you give it over a couple of years and you have to go back to your company because it didn't work out or whatever, it probably will work out, you'd be fine. But you've got to

give it a go or otherwise you'll always regret it and it'll breed resentment. So anyone out there that needs a bit of a confidence to make the jump, go for it. You can always come back and do another job. And even if you have to, don't worry about, oh, what if it's embarrassing if I have to come back? Everyone will laugh at me. You know what, if they do laugh at you, fuck them, because you had a go, and if it didn't work out, it didn't work out. But most of the time, it will probably work out,

because you'll be better at it than you think you will be. And there's an energy and excitement to doing something that you love and are passionate about. That is, I am so thankful that I get to do something I love. Yeah, we're very lucky to do this. And I still, if I shut my eyes, I can still see my clock at my job that I left to become a comedian. And I can see it going from 29 to 30 on my work clock. That work clock by my phone, that number on it used to haunt me every day.

I'd look at it, go, I'm a long left, hour long left, hour long left. And if you are doing that in your job, if you are in a position to do something else or change it up, good luck and try because you don't want to be stuck there doing that but it is overwhelming but good luck to anyone that's trying. We should do a special Rob where we go through all of the jobs we had before we were comedians and talk about them. For small business inspiration. For small business inspiration because I had some absolute fucking shockers. To be fair I've still got a few now I do. Anyway I've got to go because I'm being fitted for a Elf Mayer outfit at 1.30. And that's not a joke. Yeah what I would say as well like even when you do you still have to do stuff you don't want to do. Oh no I want to do that Rob don't get me wrong.

Sorry not that one yeah but I was talk about me and some of the others. Not that one, but other ones, yeah. Right, I'll see you next week. Yeah, see ya. Mom? What is it? Are we there yet? Hello there, it's me, Harry Hill, with some exciting news.

I've got a brand new podcast. It's called Are We There Yet? And is the world's first family-friendly podcast that's designed to get you from A to B. Join me my son Gary, hello, Sarah the AI bot, hello Harry, as we delve into the childhood memories of a motley crew of comedians, celebrities and cultural icons. Is it down now daddy? Yes Gary it is. Are we there yet? The Always Be Comedy podcast is where we talk comedy with the likes of Stephen scary it is.

The Always Be Comedy podcast is where we talk comedy with the likes of Stephen Merchant, Stuart Lee, Rose Matafayo, Josh Widicombe and many, many more. We now have a spin-off podcast, Always Be Comedy's Comedy Heroes. We take a deep dive and sum up some of the all-time greats. These include Rick Maile, Jasper Cara, Eddie Murphy, Morkum & Wise, Victoria Wood and many, many more. That's the Always Be Comedy podcast, our every Tuesday. And now, Always Be Comedy's comedy heroes, our every Friday.