Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP35: The Playground Shaggers Festive Special

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... This episode it's a classic playground shaggers correspondence special. Happy Christmas everyone! Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener,

with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] You ready? Yeah. Hello!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we have a chat about when I say you're ready? If you say yeah, I take that as you're ready. Yeah. So what are you ready? That what that is, is yeah, let's go. But it's me adjusting. So I should say almost. Yeah, no, because if you're ready, and you go, yeah, for me, on the other side of it, because I don't know how you're what

you're where you're at, I just assume you're ready to play the but yeah, so the other side of it, because I don't know how you're, what your way you're at. I just assume you're ready to play there. But yeah. So why do you say yes? Because in the same way you'd say, if you were leaving the house, are you ready to go? Yeah. And then you just put your coat on. Yeah, I'll just do the things I need to do.

I'm ready psychologically. No, no, no, I wouldn't have a coat on. I'm ready psychologically. No, that's not the question. Okay. Are you ready psychologically? Yep. psychologically? No, that's not the question. Okay, are you ready psychologically? Yeah. Okay. And are you ready to start

the podcast? Yes. Okay. No, I'm joking. I am. Yeah. Hello, you're listening to parents in hell with Sophie. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Widicombe? Josh Widicombe. And where's Santa from? Finland. Finland.

Finland. They from Finland. This is my five-year-old daughter Sophie and my husband Jonathan doing the intro with a special little addition. Jonathan is British and I'm Finnish. We live in Turku in southwest Finland with Sophie and our one year old Mary. Having listened to Parenting Health for years and

being Finnish, you can imagine my excitement when I heard last week's episode that Josh and his family has visited Rovaniemi. I was having a tough week, so what could be better than hearing my two favorite comedian podcasters describe Finland. Q Dross describing his experience as dog shit. No, I didn't. I thought Finland was superb. I thought the Santa stuff left a lot to be desired. And I think Rob agreed with me. Absolutely. And then Alex Brooker came back from a trip to Finland and he loved the Santa stuff, which made me even more sure of my decision. I'm wishing he'd taken his family to Lapland UK instead. I didn't say that either. I had a lovely time in Finland. You did say that. Your daughter said I would have preferred to go to Lapland UK.

No, she loved Finland. She didn't like the Santa experience. She still goes on about how annoying the elves were. Lapland, UK, the UK. They are. I don't know if they're elves or they're just Finnish people. No offence, our brother and sister from Turku that's even added. But are the elves at Lapland just Finnish? No, they're not. They're Spanish ones as well. Spanish elves? Because they had some Spanish speakers.

So they had... But a Finnish person that speaks Spanish or a Spanish elf? No, she looked incredibly Spanish. So the UK has so much from friendly people and great comedy to a dark history of empire and over four million children living in poverty. Couldn't you just let us have our kitschy Christmas tourism? That is a funny sentence, fair play. Oh well, I guess at least we have affordable childcare. We currently pay 250 euros per month total for two kids at nursery full time.

That's fucking incredible. I'm going to erase this episode from my memory and just focus on the one where Rob described Finnish crisps as some of the best. Yeah, they are great crisps, Ove. Joe, I'll take it back. Thanks a lot and give Finland and us Finns a second chance. I love Finland. I like the Finns.

I didn't like the Santa experience and I would still go to us Scott from Rita, Jonathan, Sophie and Mary. Can I just say, Yari Litmanen was an excellent number 10. Rob, what are we here for? It's a Christmas special. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas, everyone. We've saved the most Christmasy correspondence episode ever. This is the Playground Shaggers Insight Compendium.

What do you call it? Yeah, it's the first annual Playground Shaggers. I've made it annual. It's the first annual. Maybe every Christmas Eve. Every Christmas Eve, every Christmas Eve, every Christmas special, we talk about playground shaggers. Because let's face it, Christmas is a time where for love, well, for love and also you go, you're sat indoors with someone and you

look at them and go, I don't want to be with them. And it seems sad. But actually, it's a great time of realization. And in the new year, you can split up and move on to new pastures for the greater good. Short term pain, long term gain. So this is going out to anyone out there staring down the barrel of a relationship breakup is to play Grand Shagger Special Merry Christmas, Noel. This is so basically for anyone that's new here, we had a thing where someone sent in salacious gossip from the school gate about affairs.

And we have got together all of the best ones for this very special Merry Christmas episode. Take it away, Josh. We'll do one each. Take turns. Hi, Josh and Rob. I went through school with two girl cousins in my class. We'll call them cousin one and cousin two. This is going to be like a maths problem.

Cousin one's mom had a brother. And she's on a train that departs at 7.15. And her mom was fucking another dad on the train. Love the show. Cousin one's mom had a brother. Cousin one and cousin two. Cousin one's mom had a brother who was cousin two's dad. That's why they were cousins.

Right, okay, so brother and sister have got kids in the same school. Yeah, all's well and good. The girls were close friends and they all had family holidays together. We can't start an incest, can we? This seems a bit much. This is especially a bit like high fun.

Until it came out that cousin one's dad and cousin two's mom, the ones that weren't related by blood had been having an affair. The in-laws. The in-laws. So that's like you having an affair with Rose's sister's boyfriend. Yeah, which should really take it up a notch. But yeah, so that yeah, so not related, but the partners of the siblings.

Oh my God, that is. So both marriages separated and after the dust settled, the cheaters ended up getting married to each other. No. So here's my question, which I think is a good question to what raise at this point. Yeah. Is that better? Because it means these people needed to be together and they wanted to be together. They haven't just blown up the relationships for nothing or is it worse because it means that they found happiness at others expense do you know

what I mean it's like you're trying to get a subplot over the line in love actually too they could do with a fucking subplot in love actually one if you ask me one of the shittest films that's ever existed. I used to love it, but I've slightly gone off it as I got older. Oh, it's crap. It's total crap. And I love his other I love Four Weddings and I love Notting Hill. Don't start clicking his ass now mate, you just shipped him off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright, so what do you think of The Beatles one? Oh, I've not seen it, but I think the premise that John Lennon, right? Yeah. Don't get me started on this, but I think the premise that John Lennon, right? Yeah. Don't get me started on this, but I will. It's too late. This is the one where the Beatles didn't exist to everyone else, but one person remembered all the Beatles songs and he sung them and everyone thought he was a genius.

Good present. Great premise for a film. Buy that. Is it? Totally. Well, fine. But he didn't even come up with it. But here he bought it off someone else.

Why are you really having a go at old Richie Curtis here? Why have I never done comic relief? LAUGHS Um... LAUGHS But the bit where he visits John Lennon... Oh, at the end? ...who isn't famous and he's really happy.

Absolutely fuck the fuck off because that totally misunderstands the story of John Lennon. John Lennon's deep unhappiness did not come from his fame. He had an awful string of experiences growing up and he was a very damaged individual. Oh, so was he? Did he have an abusive childhood? No, his mom couldn't bring him up. He had this, because she was quite young, kind of irresponsible, he moved in with his aunt Mimi, who he loved very much. But then he had this strange relationship with his mom, who was like his sister, who was then hit by a car

and killed when he was a teenager. And his dad had left and went and worked on ships. And he was reunited with his dad later when he was famous. But he obviously hated his dad for these things. These things still existed in his life. Being in the Beatles was the best thing that happened to him. Yeah, I'd say that's a good distraction from what I'd call a lot of baggage. Yeah. So it's not like, oh, thank God he wasn't in the Beatles, he could just be a happy bloke. There was a lot of shit going on.

Oh now I can sit by the beach and think about all that with no money or fame. So anyway, sorry, I don't know why I've gone down that rabbit hole. Anyway, back to the cousins. Back to the cousins. Gone down that rabbit hole. Anyway, back to the cousins. Back to the cousins. So what do you think, Rob? Is it better that it's formed a relationship?

Or? I think, yeah, in a way, if they're together, and they've stayed together for a long time, that's better because it wasn't just like horrible lust, they really fell for each other. Yeah, and they needed to be together. It's made me feel better about my Christmases and family do, it's way less complicated than what we're going on. Exactly, and they needed to be together. It's made me feel better about my Christmases and family do is way less complicated than exactly. Yeah. So is that the end of the

No, both marriages settled and after the dust settled, both marriages separated after the dust settled, the cheetahs ended up getting married to each other. So as well as cousins, these children were now stepsisters. Oh my god. Fucking hell. At the same school. It was wild news around the schoolyard. Oh these poor girls. Oh. And made the school drop off some events quite the exciting occasion. Keep staying sexy and relatable, kind regards and on.

Because you know in school that it would be switched and it would be the brother and sister, it would be all lies and like, have you heard their brother and sister had an affair and now they're together and now they're... Oh Jesus Christ. I just didn't know anything about maybe at primary school, but certainly at secondary school, none of this stuff seemed, not, not anything that happened at primary school. But what I mean is...

Josh, you went to school with three kids, mate. No, but what I mean is at primary school I did. So I knew who all the parents were. At secondary school, because we all just got buses there and stuff, I knew nothing about anyone's parents. So I just don't know how any of these things... Yeah, but I think where you live, they're all fucking each other's cousins, aren't they? Oh, that's a shame. That's a shame. The news story would be that someone's not fucking their cousin. Oh, this is a real shit. You know what?

Not a Christmas, Rob. Not a Christmas. I could count on one hand at that school. Here we go. That's great. This is great stuff. Get him back in the fucking comedy clubs. He's ready.

Is everyone in Devon a little bit into Braderys? Unbook the Palladium, Rob Beckett's back at the comedy store. That's why there's the kind of humor he's telling us. Now I'm saying though, cause like, look, Norwich gets it, is Devon like that, cause there's no smoke without fire. So I was talking to my friend, that's not quite how legal situations work.

Well, why don't they talk, why don't they go, oh, Cumbria, they're all inbred. Why don't they kick another place, they don't go, oh, sorry, they're all inbred. Well, I was talking to my friend from Norfolk, and I didn't know this. So Norfolk's basically surrounded by water, she said. I didn't really know this.

So- So is the UK, doesn't mean I'm shagging my cousin. Well, you don't know. The whole thing's an island. Well, in a way you are shagging your cousin. I mean, everyone's surrounded by water if you think about it. Yeah, she said, and it doesn't seem to be surrounded

by water that much. She said the reason is people in Norfolk are a bit trapped so they all end up together. I suppose it must happen in Devon. Rob full disclosure. Full disclosure Rob. Yeah. We moved down when we were three and a half. We were what are those people that um. Townies. What are those people that they call you in Folkestone and Folkestone and Margate. DFLs. Down from London. From London, yeah, of course. Yeah, that one. Yeah, so we were more that side of the Devon. Right, you were in, yeah, because you'd moved there, you didn't grow up.

So I had the whole gene pool to choose from, Rob. And that is why I first had sex at university. Because you had loads of offers. You just decided to go for a bit more of a mancunian first. First down. Yeah, too bloody right. Right, Rob, this next one's quite long. Hit me. Okay, here we go. Playground Shaggers in brackets. Hi, Rob and Josh, please keep anonymous. Love listening to the podcast. And just also sales at the bottom from a non I mean, like, I suppose on their email, we could read out the

full email address. Yeah, please keep anonymous. Love listening to the podcast and just listen to playground shaggers and had to send in my story. My tale of a playground shag is actually my dad. Oh, when I was around five years old, my mom found out my dad was having an affair with my then best friend's mom. Fucking Nora. Yeah, my mum suspected for some time something was going on and found love letters. Love letters? Whoa!

It was to meet Naili. I've not seen or heard of a love letter in years, have you? That says a lot about you. Me and Rose write them every week. Do you write each other love letters? Oh, just long. I say, could you make the kids dinner? She says, I'm sorry, I'm writing you a love letter. All the time. Sometimes I voice note Lou apologizing if I've been aggy. Does that count? No, you could do a few for me and Michael, actually.

Just love it. Oh, like that little love voice notes. Sorry guys, sorry for being a bit aggy. My mum suspected, to be fair though, me, you and Michael, none of little love voice notes. Sorry guys, really sorry for being a bit aggy. Yeah. My mum suspected, to be fair though, me, you and Michael, none of us are aggy. Is that why we've done it for so long? I couldn't do this twice a week with people we didn't like. No. My mum suspected for some time something's going on and found love letters. It was the mid 90s between the two. House details that they had been to look at.

Oh, dearie me, that is too extreme. And even discussing how the kids would get on as we're already friends. Now, to add insult to injury for my mum, she had been babysitting my then best friend and her younger siblings whilst their mum had been on training for a new job. This had also been covered for my dad and my mum's friend meeting. Oh, that's not all. As they knew where my mum would be at the house to get after the kids. That is awful. That is bad. I just don't see how you don't feel

deep, deep guilt. Oh, maybe some people are evil, aren't they? Yeah, it's just like horrible. When my mum found out she also has what it's like, oh my she's just my soulmate. Is she or is just blind coincidence that your kids are friendly at school yeah yeah yeah well my mom found out when my mom found out she took photocopies of the letters to my friend's dad after filling him in on the affair so this is the other person's been cheating and passing on the letters my friend's mom turned up

and much to my mom's surprise he said you've done it again. What? So she's that so oh no, oh no, oh no, she's this is her first time. Oh no. He went you've done it again. Turns out the need for the training and change of job was due to her having an affair at her previous job. Oh my god. My mum made it very clear that me and my friend would not be affected by the affair. That's very good parenting, I think. And that my grandma would be doing drop-offs. My mum was always very honest with me and my older sibling about what happened. Eventually my parents ended up getting divorced. My friend still has no idea of the affair.

What? Keep up the good work, Anon. That is Ben's poor mum. That is horrible. I'm glad she got divorced from him. Yeah, I think some people think that divorce is a bad thing. I mean, I've never got divorced but there's no point being some you don't like jobs. Leave a relationship if you don't like it. Life's too short.

Life is too short. And, you know, I'd say you kids can probably tell if you hate each other, even if you think you're covering it up. Yeah, don't drug it out. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Hello you sexy and relatable pair. Had to share a playground shagger story on behalf of my mum who used to be a primary school teacher and wishes to remain anonymous. My mum worked at primary school where there whereas rumoured the PE teacher, let's

call him Mr. Johnny, had a bit of a reputation for the ladies. This was proven true one day when he started seeing one of the other teachers, let's call her Olive, who had a daughter in my mum's class, let's call her Lily. who had a daughter in my mum's class. Let's call her Lily. One day when the children were lining up for PE, Mr. Johnny came in to collect the children from class and Lily loudly announced to the class, Mr. Johnny, why was your car outside my house last night? Mr. Johnny tried to fiercely deny this whilst clearly getting very flustered, but Lily would not let it go and said, Yes, you were. Mommy put me to bed and I heard a knock at the door and looked out my

window and saw mommy open the door to you. Oh, and this is primary school. So this isn't like a teenage against sassy. This is like, you know, that is like, oh, my yeah. Oh, my god. He swiftly led the kids out of the room for PE leaving the rest of the teachers smirking after him. It was also rumored he used to spend a lot of time sorting equipment in the PE cupboard. Is he wanking in a cupboard? What does that mean? It can't be true.

It can't be true. You'd get women to come to the school. Or other teachers help him sort the equipment. I think it'd be exhausting having an eye for the ladies. Thanks for all the laugh. Yeah, God, too much effort. Thanks for the laugh. Let's just shake this whole little cupboard at work. I'll be so hot and stressed.

Fucking surrounded by hockey sticks. Thanks for all the laughs. Me and my mother have licenses. They're clattering everywhere. I can't even go to school peeing. One of those big nets of footballs. Go tied up in it. Beanbags everywhere. Thanks for all the laughs. Me and my mum have listened since the beginning and my mum often

affectionately refers to you as the boys. The boys. Please keep me anonymous. There we go. But that may be more that like not an affair but the mum might be a single mum. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So that one because I don't't want to be too bleak. Okay. Hi, Rob. When would you fit in an affair though? Come on. Just quick PE covered job done. I just need to speak to Mr. Johnny about how my daughter's getting on in PE. Hi, Robin Josh, please keep me anonymous. I'm an OG listener and love the pod just listen to your gladiators episode where you did a call out for playground

shaggers. While this isn't strictly playground. I hope it lives up to expectations. My son plays in a football team and a couple of years ago, the married coach of the team had an affair with one of the players' mums. She was a single mum. I don't know how long it went on for, but it blew up one Saturday morning when the wife found out, turned up to the match, screamed at, then slapped the mom, then stormed across the pitch while the boys were playing and punched her husband in the face. Oh my God. The match had to be abandoned.

We all got sent home. Now, Josh, you're a referee. Would you abandon that match? I don't think there's anything in the laws of the game that would stop that. If that was a professional football match and Pep Guardiola is- Pep Guardiola's having an affair with Jack Grealish's mum. For example, this is not true, but this is what it would be. And then Pep Guardiola's wife turns up, slaps Jack Grealish's mum,

and then goes and punches Pep Guardiola. Yeah, which would probably be a better day in the office for him than normal. I think. Oh, lovely bit of piss. Lovely bit of piss. I think, I don't think you'd, I think she would be banned from the Etihad. Also, if his kids not playing, she shouldn't be there at all. He must have a kid in the team. Maybe that's it.

Yeah, I actually think from a football laws point of view, I don't think they've done anything wrong. So she'd have to be got rid of and then you'd have to just continue the game. Obviously from a moral point of view, Pep Guardiola and Jack Grealish's mum are at fault but from a football laws point of view you'd have to ban Pep Guardiola's wife from the Etihad for coming onto the pitch and they wouldn't be any issues with Pep Guardiola or Jack Grealish's mum the game would have to continue surely. I think she'd just be escorted out of the pitch and the game would... Yeah, yeah.

I think it would be a difficult second half for Pep Guardiola without hanging over him. Yeah, of course, of course. But he's an elite manager, I'm sure he'll cope. He'll have to compartmentalise. So the game got abandoned, I think, though, because all the parents must have got involved, because I imagine if there's friends of the mum that got slapped, you know, she's like shouldn't really be having an affair of a married man. But you know, he's the one who's married, she's not married. So they're probably her mates who stick it up for her, probably

all kicked off. Anyway, all the kids went to the same school. So her range arrangements had to be made that neither of the people who had the affair could do school drop offs and pickups. Oh, my God, what a great way to get out. That's a win-win you get to have an affair and not do drop-offs and pickups. Well obviously this caused a major rift in the football team and the boy from the other family had to leave the team. Oh it feels like the coach should be got rid of really shouldn't it? Yeah but then are you gonna are you going to get rid of Pep Guardiola or sell Jack Rielish? Well, at the moment, um, yeah, both. Oh, bless him. The poor boy.

I don't think he knows why to this day. That is so fucking selfish. Are those parents don't shut your own doorstep. Don't fuck your son's football coach. There's plenty of men in plenty of bars and you can shag. And also I'm not going to go to the woman. Don't shag any of your players. Mums. There's plenty of women. If you're having an affair, don't involve your kids. So selfish. You could go away and have an affair with someone you met in a bar that obviously would upset the family. But this is beyond upsetting the family and causing

a rift. This is doing cyclical damage to your child's friendship groups, where he's now ostracized and a social pariah due to your behavior's friendship groups, where he's now ostracised in a social pariah due to your behaviour, which you could have stopped, and it's not acceptable. You've always hated Pep Guardiola, Rob. And now... Oh, I like Pep Guardiola, but these people make me fucking sick. You selfish, lack of discipline losers. Absolute scum. Also, Rob, it says so much about how long since you've been on the market, do you think

people still meet in bars? Well, go on. Get on the bloody apps. Get on the bloody apps. Get on the bloody apps. Just say to your wife, I'm not happy, I think we should split up, let's do it fairly and gently so the kids aren't impacted, I'll move out, and then you slowly meet someone else. I've never really been cheated on, so it's not like it's happened to me.

I just think it's absolutely disgusting and unacceptable, and I just can't fathom why people do it. Get drunk in a bar, and you're on a stag do, and you kiss someone, and even at worst, you're going to sleep with someone. I can possibly see how that's happened if you've got too drunk. But these people that have actual affairs that have gone for months when they're sober and scheming behind the back, it disgusts me. They've got to be sick in the head.

What is driving this, Josh? What kind of sort of narcissism and sociopath attitude and personality drives this? You're listening to Jeremy Vine on Radio 2? Yeah. Do call in. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. 33 minutes of listening to affairs and he's gone over the top.

I've gone. It's killed me off. All right. They're still brought in. So the poor boys had to leave. Oh no, there's not more. Well, there's another three paragraphs. So he didn't know why he had to leave. It was because his mum had an affair with a coach.

He went to another team. Fucking hell. Now, despite all this, Josh, the coach... Please, please let the other team win the league. Despite all this, all 115 charges were dropped and they won five more Premier Leagues. Despite all this, the coach and his wife stayed together. Now, I'm going to go to every vine again. Fucking leave him. Why you've slapped a woman in the street. You've punched your

husband in front of your own kids at a football match. I understand that you're angry. Now do the right thing and fuck him off. Okay, here we go. There's still more revved up at the end of the season. The dad of the other mom. Okay, what does the other to their main partners? No, no the season, the dad of the other mum, okay. What dad of the other? To their main partners? No, no, no. The dad of the other. So the single mum who's had to leave the football team and take her son away, still goes to the same school though, her dad, the granddad of the boy who played in the team, okay, decided he was going to set up his own team for his grandson. Oh, this is great.

Oh, this is great. He was going to set up his own team for his grandson. He set up a new team and stole half the players from the original team. Yes, please. And as there is only one league in our area, the original team and the granddad's new team then had to play each other on a regular basis. This is great. This is great. Where's the documentary?

Where's the Netflix doc? Oh, here we go. It's two to three years down the line now, and the boys are all at senior schools, and the two families sent their kids to different senior schools, so at least they don't have to see each other at the school gate any longer. But the two football teams still meet twice a season. Oh, my God.

Sometimes more with cup games, and there's a guaranteed fight at every match. Oh, my God. Sometimes more with Cup games, and there's a guaranteed fire every match. Oh my God, incredible. Genuinely, can we not, I'm happy, like Josh and Michael, to finance a documentary on it. To self-fund a documentary on this. And I think by the time we get a bit more funding and get Netflix or wherever it is on board,

they might be at a stage where they wanna reflexively talk about this, when the kids are grown up. But we need to get the cameras down there now to fill the games and the best thing about it Rob Yeah, is this has been sent in anonymously So yeah me you and Michael are the only people who have this story sitting in our inbox Did you do anything is are we actually gonna do anything about it? No But it's good to know the options there. Yeah. And bury it and keep it away from other people.

Other people. Do have drive and ambition. Exactly. Yeah. But we can bring face to it. It's such a good story. Now, I've got a bit of a happy end in here. Luckily, they seem to have kept the reason for the fallout from the kids. So they just think they hate each other.

It's a bit like if you found out that Cardiff and Swansea was actually the same team that in 1908 had split because of an affair. Yeah. I mean, yeah, like Adidas and Puma. I don't know if it was an affair, but they split. So they kept the reason for the fallout away from the kids, but obviously there's extra aggro from the other team stealing their players. So the boys, it's a real rivalry now. The boys take it out each other on the pitch. Definitely makes a fascinating watch from the sidelines.

Keeping sexual label anonymous. Love that one. Real dramatic. Lots there, really enjoyed it. It's all in the telling really though, isn't it? I suppose. Yeah, Pep Guardiola is not, you know, anything to do with it. Just to be just double. That was completely used as a way for the listener to understand the dynamic. Pep Guardiola, Jack Grealish, best of mates as far as I'm concerned. Yeah.

Hi, this is a story from my kid's class in brackets year five, one of the mums liked a drink or two in the day and ultimately it ended her marriage. Bloody hell. God, that's a start. They had two kids at the school, one in the same class as mine. It was a nice friendly parent group and one of the other mums very kindly opened her home to the mum whose relationship had broken down and offered to help her get back on her feet. Oh that's nice. She came home one day from work to find a new house guest in bed with her husband. Oh you dirty bastard

that bloke. He's got a vulnerable woman who's just having a marriage breakdown, he's drinking in the day and he's come home from work and thought right I'm giving her one. The kids were all in the same class and did not get on. It was horrendous. The dad who was found in bed with the guest ran off with her and left his wife, only to be later accused of all sorts by this unstable mum who jumped in bed with him.

They broke up soon after. Thankfully, the lovely mum who tried to help the woman in need saw the light and didn't take him back when it all blew up in her face. Good for you. All the other mums rallied around her and had her back from anon. That's good. That's good to know. That's solid.

That's what you do. Powerful. You've got, do you know what she's done there is she's been a good person and now she's got a bad person out of her life. All positive that. Good audio. All positive. Right, next.

Hello. I had a friend who was in a pretty happy relationship with her husband for over 10 years. They lived in a beautiful town with two beautiful girls of primary school age at the time. Once the girls started getting a bit older and less dependent, the mums started going out more and more on nights out and making friends

with the school mums, et cetera, et cetera. After a while of late night partying on the weekends, her and her husband suddenly split up quite abruptly. It got very messy and her partner was convinced she was having an affair. Fast forward a couple of months and it all came out that she was seeing someone else, but not just one other person, but two at the same time. Oh my word. She had become involved in a three-way relationship with two parents from the playground. What? No. Oh, she wasn't having two separate affairs. It was a cousin, not a cousin, it was a couple.

Oh wow. Oh, that's a bit grim. She was having an affair with this couple. It was all very crazy for some time. And then she eventually decided she was now a lesbian and ran off with the mum from the three-way. Oh my word. Yes, please, that is drama squared. Thankfully the two mums are now settled in a happy relationship and live together with their kids. Oh, that's nice. Well, not for the husband.

Not for the husband. No, not nice at all. But then it is nice for her in that she finally found out who she was years later. Yeah, that's great and I understand that's a voyage of discovery and can be hard if she's had a childhood where she could really express herself and come out as gay, but maybe sort of go on that voyage without fucking a couple at the school gates.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, maybe just sort of flirt online a bit, work it out from there. Old voyages go through choppy waters sometimes, Rob. They do. They do. Lesson be learned. Playgrounds are a dangerous place if your relationship is on the rocks, apparently anonymous. Yeah. Oh dear, well that was that was lively, that one. Yeah. Do you just keep thinking, I wonder which couple at the school are having an affair? When I'm doing this, I wonder if this is happening. It must be, but I don't see it.

I get no, not even like, oh, I don't want to say that. If there was like something going on, but I don't think I'm there enough. I think at schools there are like- You do a kind of, they jump out your car, don't they? So it'd be a hell of an achievement for you to start an affair, basically, like Harry Redknapp on transfer deadline day.

Yeah, I mean, I don't, I'm not there as much. I don't see it. But I do think there's like a, at all schools, there's like a bit more of an inner sanctum of like, some people that are really involved with like, the teachers association, what was parent and teacher association. That's it. Is Lil on that? No, I'm not either. They always get emails, hey, we need some help with the Christmas fair. We need a parent from four till six on Saturday to do a tombola. I do that.

And I read that and I go, no chance in fucking hell. I'm like a rat up a drainpipe with that, Rob. I love it. Well, you'll be shagging someone in about eight years. Behind a tombola. But on a blue num years behind a tombola. But a blue number on the bike sheds. Yeah, no. So I think there is like a bit more of an inner sanctum of school where I'm I'm sort of on the periphery. Yeah, in the central business district. The PTA just to confirm is Lou and 10 hot blokes, isn't it?

Well, no, not anymore. He's not there. But I'm more zone six. But that's zone one. You're zone one. You're in the danger zone, you're doing the quiz. I'm not in zone one, I'm telling you. You're doing the quiz, you're doing the school quiz, you're the guy at the telly, you're in a position of authority doing the quiz. And everyone goes, do you know what, in person he's actually quite attractive and not as small as I thought he would be and I quite like his profile. No one's ever said that to me in the real, no one's ever said that. Before you know it, you're playing extra long on the musical intro round so you can cop off with someone behind the bar hunched down.

Quiz question one, which hotel room am I staying in tonight? Answer, room 17. Ha ha ha. Hi guys. I discovered the podcast last year after a colleague recommended it. Here is a story from our school. One set of parents split up and it was quite messy.

They have three children together who all attend the school. They split up because the mum started sleeping with another dad who has five children. The original dad, and this is a classic maneuver. Oh no, sorry, I misread it. The original dad then got a new partner, but wouldn't share any details about it. Very shady, but we were satisfied with the existing drama enough to leave it.

After one half term. So it's the one who was cheated on. Yeah. Who got a new partner as well, yeah. After one half term, a colleague approached me and said they needed to show me something quite serious. She then showed me the Instagram post of one of the teaching assistants who'd been away during half term. In the background of one of the pictures was one of the three children from

the original parents. Oh my god, respect. Yeah. Weird, but nothing wrong. Maybe they bumped into each other. I said thank you And they left it with me. I asked the teaching assistant if she had a nice holiday and how crazy it was that they'd bumped into the said family. Mm-hmm. She immediately began to sob. Turns out she'd been sleeping with the original dad and had taken his three kids and her own three kids to Greece for half term, all in secret. Oh my God. How many kids? How much money these people got? There's about 20 kids going on on a day. I know.

She was advised she should probably fess up before it gets messier so her and the dad told his ex and it all seemed fine. A week later the original treating mum arrived at sports day with a massive bag full of the dad's belongings and threw them at the teaching assistant. What? She was shooting someone else. Calling her every name under the sun and they began to fight. We ended up calling the police and an ambulance and sports day was canceled.

That is mental. People are mental, aren't they? Incredible scenes and we talk about it in the staff room constantly. Thanks to the amazing podcast. Oh my God. People love drama. That is disgusting. Why is she kicking off? Can you allow to what is the rule on having a relationship with a school parent if you're a teacher? Is it banned? Is it allowed? Can you be set for it? It's obviously not encouraged. It's not encouraged. But I can't imagine it's allowed. As long as you clear up Mr. Johnny's hockey sticks? Yeah. I don't think you can be it. I think there must be a code of

conduct, right? Well what about teachers that start getting off of each other? Me and Lou met at work. We used to sneak out and kiss each other. Yeah I think that's fine, surely, because um. We used to sneak out of the office and kiss each other. I think teachers are allowed to, yeah I know. If I said to Lou now, do you want to quickly pop outside and kiss each other on the lips? She'd be like, what are you doing? Obviously the reason we went outside was in an office, but we could just kiss each other on the lips in our house. Maybe I should start doing outside kisses again and see how that works. Get some mistletoe Rob.

I can't be wandering around the house chasing her with that. I didn't mean chase her. I didn't say chase her. Oh well I did say chase her. Don't chase her. She's better well, I did say chaser. Just I'll be a little bit behind her. She's quicker. I mean, that's not chasing it. It's just sort of trying to catch up. Yeah, exactly. Just a show of the mistletoe. Wonderful legs. Lovely legs. Next one. Oh, he's being it. Hi, Robin Josh. I have the strangest playground shaggot story. Growing up, I live next door to a family with three teenage children. It's you know what, there's definitely a correlation to having loads of

kids and wanting to you like shagging you like shagging. Well, not only do you like shagging, not being at someone else's house. Yeah. Okay. Growing up, I live next door to a family with three teenage children. One day the mom is seriously left with the children and never returned. And then on the very same day, the husband's new partner and her four children moved in. And this is where it gets really interesting. It turns out she wasn't a new partner at all. Wait, Rob, let's go. Sorry, I'm just struggling. Go through that again. Go through that again.

Growing up, they live next door to a family and it it was... Three kids. Three teenage kids, yeah? One day the mom mysteriously left with all the kids and never returned. On the same day, the man who was left, his new partner and her four children moved in. This is where it gets really interesting. Turns out she wasn't a new partner at all. Obviously not, I hear you say, but he wasn't even just having an affair. This man had been living a fully blown double life. Oh, the old double life. I'm obsessed with these people.

With two wives, two sets of kids and two homes at the same time. Not only were all seven children his, but they lived just two miles apart. So close. Now, another wild detail to the story after it all came out in the open it transpired that two of the daughters with different mothers were born on the same day at the same hospital. Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off. It's Mrs Doubtfire. That is unbelievable. So they'd have been in not just the same hospital but the same ward. Yeah. How he was able to juggle and pull off the logistical.

Fair play to him. Fair play to him in a way. His mind right. Surely the midwives might be like, did I see you earlier? Just changed his jumper. Yeah. Now some of the kids, when finding out

they were all siblings, became best friends. Fast forward five years, the man then kicks his wife and children out. And as an additional two children. Oh my god, this guy's got psychological issues. Yeah, very fast forward five years, the man then kicks out his wife and children and then as an additional two children

with his daughter's friend who was 30 years younger than him. Who is it? Richard Keys? He's got nine kids. Fucking hell. The whole scenario was so bizarre and he was such a vile man. Yeah, I bet he is. I'm surprised he found one woman to have children with,

let alone three women. What an awful, awful, awful. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone. He has got psychological problems. Oh yeah, he's a serial killer. He'll go to prison for some sort of fraud. You know what I mean? If you're going to do that to people. He has huge control issues. He likes to trick. He likes to, he likes people to love him, he has no soul.

You're listening to Jeremy Vine. You're listening to Jeremy Vine. Rob, we didn't realize how many playground shaggers we've got, so we'll have to do another special. Yeah, I mean, keep sending them in, because we love this, and then we'll do another special. Maybe we'll do it twice a year, one in the summer, one at Christmas.

Summer Shaggers. Summer Shaggers, Winter Shaggers but just general playground Shaggers story. Yeah we'll keep dripping them through if that's the wrong word. Yeah. It's a shame. Right Josh, small bit last small business shout out before Christmas here we go. Hi Rob, Josh and Michael as the weather was shocking today I didn't fancy getting drenched with the kids I decided to write a jingle

for the Small Business Shoutout section. Oh, good man. And get them to sing it. Sophia and Matteo, aged eight and sick, had a laugh doing it. And although they like singing and I've done an intro for you before, they've never tried recording harmonies until today.

Oh my word. I obviously wouldn't expect you to use this regularly, but if they could hear it just once to start today's Small Business Shoutout section, they would love it. Thanks for doing the podcast. It always brightens up my week. Dan Wilden.

You got it, Josh? Ready? Yeah. Cards in hell, Small Business Shoutouts. Not bad, lovely, lovely. I like it. Lovely.

I'm happy to keep using that. And if anyone else wants to send in- I I'm happy to keep using that. I'm quite happy to keep using that until we get the small business section sponsored by a large corporation. Is that your ultimate goal? That is the only reason I'm in it Rob. Welcome to Small Business Channel sponsored by Tesna and Apple. Hi Rob Robin Josh. Absolutely love your podcast, which gets me through the highs and lows of running a small business. I'm not even a mum but sitting laughing out loud every episode for the parents to be entire parents. I would love you to give my business a shout out. Ditch the FOMO. Welcome to Jomo

the joy of missing out club. We are the UK's non-alcoholic spirit subscription box, bringing you high quality non-alcoholic drinks every single month so you can enjoy the cocktails you know and love just without the booze. You can get your first box, this is a good percentage, 35% off at JOMO club, J-O-M-O Club.co.uk. Follow us for alcohol free inspo at Jomo Club official.

Thank you so much and keep making everybody laugh. Gemma. That's perfect for January, if people are doing dry January. Yes, exactly. Perfect for dry January. So seamless. Josh, Merry Christmas.

Have a good Christmas tomorrow, Rob. You too, enjoy your lasagna. Everyone tune in for Strictly at 3. Strictly at 3 what time? I don't know, 3.55. Something madly early. Just record it or get it on camera. Yeah, fucking watch it on iPlayer. It's 2024 for the love of God. I've just got people coming to mine, Christmas day, Boxing day, chilling. Yeah, good. Nothing major. Right, Josh, see you later. Bye. Merry Christmas.

Merry bloody Christmas. Hello everybody. Now listen, I know you're busy. You've got presents to buy, sprouts to cook, and people to see, But just listen to this. On Christmas Eve, I'm talking to the big man himself. That's right. Life with Nat, a Father Christmas special for you and your family.

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