Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP38: The Cottage Cheese Boyz

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe. Because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we? Rob. Can you say Beckett? Beckett. Beckett. Beckett. Nice. Can you say Josh? Josh. And can you say Widdicombe?

Widdicombe. Good girl. Margot. Margot. What accent is that? It's Northern, isn't it? It is Northern. Not too Yorkshire though.

Yeah. Margot. Is it, I don't know, feels more like Sheffield, not in a way It is Northern. Not too Yorkshire though. Yeah. Margot. I don't know if it feels more like Sheffield, not in a way. East Yorkshire, east Yorkshire Rob. Is Sheffield east Yorkshire? No, it's south Yorkshire. Yeah, not Yorkshire, it's Northern, that's Doncaster. Is Doncaster Yorkshire or is it Lincolnshire?

It is Yorkshire. York. I don't know. I don't really know how it all splits up. It feels like there's too many Yorkshires. It's a bit much, isn't it? Thank you for the entertainment over the years. You make us realize that we aren't the only people going through this tiring yet rewarding world of parenting. This is Margo, who is 20 months old. We've been practicing this for a few months.

Thank you again from East Yorkshire. Lucy, 366 months. Tim, 374 months. Thank you again from East Yorkshire. Lucy 366 months, Tim 374 months. Apologies for Binky 107 months barking in the background. Binky dog in it. So I'm starting Rob. Yeah, I've been pissing around doing stand up last year in a very low pressure environment. Yeah, but as of next week, I'm moving into the preview stage shot. And what are you doing support actor an hour next week, I'm moving into the preview stage. Sure. And what are you doing? Support act in an hour? No, I'm doing some in London, which are split with Susie Ruffles. So we're doing an hour each.

And then I'm going into the provinces in like February or March. Nice. And then when does the tour start? Autumn. Autumn. Do you know what I don't find easy about the province ones, Rob. Province? You keep saying it like you're some sort of fucking Genghis Khan, like marauding across

the map. I know, when in fact I'd start a Luton hat factory. Oh, the provinces. Luton. Luton. People don't realize, understandably, that you're doing a work in progress. So even though it's built as work in progress, you'll turn up with your notes and people will be like, what?

Yep. Also, I do find the work in progress is as harder because they all say to me, assume it's gonna be shit. So they don't that actually it's easier and better when you're just doing the tour. But then that's what it's all about. This is your heart. This is just sparring. This is a that you're in the training camp. Yeah, it's exciting. You're going above altitude. So when you come back back down to normal altitude, you're flying. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm quite buzzing about the whole thing. I can't wait. The way to deal with it is the way I, even though Damon Albarn's mad in his documentary about this before, he says, I have just said, I have an acceptance that I will go out and sing the songs how I sing them. I'll have a singer learn well or I won't and the crowd will either like it or they won't. But he has no control over that. All you can do is go out

and do it and then the result will be the result. Totally. That's all you can do. Obviously you can't turn up pissed and not do any, you know, not write any jokes but if you've done all your prep and all your work and your homework you'll either go, say it's like a job interview, you could be the perfect candidate, say all the right things but you'll either do well or you won't. That's just life. I think that was the biggest mistake I was making for probably 15 years of comedy. And that is essentially what led me to have a burnout based breakdown is that I thought I was working really hard, but all I was really doing was obsessing about outcomes,

rather than just enjoying the process. And all you can do is do something that you like and you think is good. And everything else beyond that is out of your hands. Yeah, also as well. Life's so hard and shit. When you go to watch a comedy club how fucking bad have you got to be for it to be worse than just sat in your house on your phone. It's not gonna be. I don't know I do like sitting in your house on your phone. I don't I hate it it drives me fucking mental the algorithm's got me it knows exactly what I like but I shouldn't like it. Get out my head. I've brought I've bought a thing we can do updates on how this goes for me. Go I bought I bought something from an Instagram ad. I've been I've been on the old tiktok shop as well you know. I bought some stuff off tiktok. Tell me what you bought and I

tell you what I bought. So it is it's a block which um when you scan your phone on it like a like a kind of tap and and pay thing. Contentless. It locks you, fucking hell. Come on, mate. I sure bread and butter that kind of stuff. I hold mine. You had a whole routine on Contentless. Yeah, I did, yeah.

Soon went past it, soon went fucking hold that. 14 year old's going, "'What's he talking about, just the way we pay?' It's like some old black guy going, "'You give him notes, not a gold coin. You give the merchant a note instead of a gold coin. Do you know what I've even got a new bit on I've got a new bit on Apple Pay. It really is just the same old shit. How could you have another bit on Apple Pay? Well my old bit was on debit cards.

My new bit, I don't know, it'll make the tour. we'll see. See if this is in the tour when it happens. Is about for the first month or so of when I was doing Apple Pay. You know it reads your face. Yeah. I genuinely thought it had to read your face at the same time it touched the touch. Oh, that's quite good fun. So I was dipping down with my phone. So it could read your face.

So it could read my face. It could read my face. Same reason. I was like bowing to the woman. Anyway, that's good. That's good because that's not about the system. That's about you not using the system properly. Yeah. Anyway, what was I saying?

Oh, brick thing. You tap your phone on the brick thing. And you decide which apps are locked. So it's like, locked. And you bought this off of Instagram advert. I bought this off of an Instagram advert. For 50 quid. 50?

Wow, wow. And then it's 20 quid to get it shipped from the start. Oh, course it fucking is. Yeah, unbelievable. I bought a Father Christmas that bends over with his trousers down and then his bum does a bubble. Yeah, nice. I bought a Father Christmas that bends over with his trousers down and then his bum does a bubble.

Yeah, nice. Right, for Christmas. Off TikTok shop, absolute piece of shit. We put dog bubble juice in there, basically bubbles that taste like meat, and we put it in the garden and the girls on Christmas Day took the dogs out there and we did all these bubbles. The dogs went mental, loved it, and it was a great bit of fun. Anyway, the girls or me, probably me, didn't put the lid back on the bubbles.

We put it in the cupboard, boxing day morning. I hear Lou go fucking, fucking fucking L she's opened a cupboard and a whole massive vat of, um, meat and fish flavored bubble juice falls on her head on the cupboard, on her and it's just sliding down and it still smells of meat bubbles. And then she launched it in the bin. So that was my experience of TikTok shop. What does this brick do? So you scan your phone on it like contactless. Yeah, Apple Pen. And it will lock all your apps except so you'd set it up which apps you have.

So you have an app on your phone, the brick app. Because people are like, a lot of people say I'm going to get a dumb phone that doesn't have Instagram. But you can't exist like that. I can't. I need Google Maps. I need Google Maps. It's not even our job. It's gotta be a train.

So what I'm going to do is, because I need Instagram for my job, but I don't need it all the time. No, you know, because you do need your phone so you can check a train time. So I do need my phone. But when you're checking the train time time, you don't need to be checking all of your peers' ticket sales or if they've still got seats available in exit a Northcott. Do you mean? Yeah, well, yeah, exactly.

Not that I would have done that. But I would. I have done it. Yeah, it's completely obsessive. I have to be sure that the person's not selling well. Or not better than me. Or I need to work out why I'm not selling well. Yes.

So, so you tap it and it'll lock your phone until you tap it again. So all of those things are locked. So it basically cuts your phone down to the apps that you allow. Yeah. So if you just put on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, whatever you've got, yeah, yeah. Get rid of all of those things. Get rid of say the internet as well. I might get rid of the whole internet. You could just turn the whole internet off. Yeah. Yeah. I'd get rid of Safari. I'd get rid of Safari. Do you know what you need?

I need someone to be in charge of my parental controls. I am in charge of my children's. Yeah. I might do that on Luz. I might go on my family thing on my Apple and just turn Looz TikTok off and see what she's doing. I think if I turned Looz access to Housewives off, she'd have to go to the Priory, I think. So when does she watch Housewives? Whenever she's awake.

But is she watching it on TikTok? Or is she watching it? No, no, to be fair, if she's tidying up or doing such, she'll have it on in the background, and then that'll be the thing she watches in the evening. But I do miss sitting down to watch Netflix thing with her, but then this is the problem. I go away, work a lot in the evening, she finds the things to do, which is watch that.

So when I come back, I can't be missed, well, I'm back there, let's all do what I wanna do. She's like, well, actually, I'm in quite a good groove watching this. And then I go, oh, the football's on anyway, so I don't wanna watch that. And then she'll be watching Housewives, it'll get to half time of the football. And then I'll go in and the other room in the north. And she's like, is it half time? I'm like, yes.

So you're in separate rooms. If the football's on, yeah. Yeah. So there's two, there's a telly in the kitchen. Let's be clear. The football's basically always on. Well, we've got a cozy room, like a living room. And then the kitchen has got a telly in and a sofa because it's like an open playing kitchen. And then we've got like the living room. And then the kitchen has got a telly in and a sofa because it's like an open plan kitchen. And then we've got like the front room. So the front room is the coziest place to watch telly. You want to get in there first really. And then the kitchen's a bit like, you know, it's a bit, it's all right. But you're spending your evening in a kitchen. Yeah. And then the dog

wants to piss. You have to get up and let the dog out. So whereas the dog would come to you in the other room, if, but then it wouldn't come to you in the other room if you're already in the kitchen. So I think this is a good idea, Josh, actually this block it out. Well, let you know how it goes. So I've been joined. I want to do more exercise because that gets me off my apps. Because I feel I have to be physically doing something to not be on them. But if they're just blocked, yeah, Bob Robb, sign up. I hate I really don't enjoy having to,

like, if I'm in the mood for it, I quite like doing Instagram videos and messing about and having fun and doing stories, but I can't be bothered to edit together a fucking TV show to put out a reel. Yeah, but all you need to do is, all I do is like, I basically chose 25 photos, I've done it twice actually, sent it to music,

and it does the timing for you. And then you can adjust the timing. Isn't that like what a boomer does when they send these round robbing emails? Send this on to 25 people or you have bad luck forever. You're like, oh, fuck off, mum. Or my dad, my dad out of nowhere, he's 80, will send me a funny clip that has been forwarded in to him on Facebook that I saw on TikTok nine years ago. It's so funny how it slowly works its way through the generations on

different platforms. You know Facebook is popular right? Yeah. But what's the future? Because I don't know anyone under 50 on Facebook. The problem is I'm not really on, we're not really on these apps properly. No. We're on them from a work point of view where we go, I'm doing this, I'm doing this, I'm doing this. Like I've never liked anyone's picture. And some people get the ump if some people have you. No.

But some people get the ump if you don't like their picture or it's like, I'm like, what? I don't even know what's going on. But I don't like anything. I just look at stuff. I don't like it. The reason I like is because then I think I'll get more of that person. Oh, is that it? I don't know. I don't know what would happen if you quit if you decided to

quit all these apps. But the thing is, it's a full world. Would it affect my career? Would I still be able to sell tickets? Would people still listen to the podcast? And would I still be able to pay my, would I still get booked for TV shows? Would you? Yes, you would. But it is useful for selling tickets, isn't it? Yeah, it is useful because otherwise you're like, how the fuck are people going to know I'm on tour? Oh my God. I'm locked in a creation of my own demise. Oh my God. It's a gilded cage.

We're part of the problem with the ones pumping out all this content. Fucking bullshit about talking shit. Yeah. Oh know, fucking bullshit about all of it. Talking shit. Yeah, oh, I suppose I should do a video, yeah, okay. Pump that out. Also, I've got no idea what's going to fly. Sometimes I think that's the one. Do you ever panic and put loads of hashtags in?

Fucking hell. Hashtag lol, hashtag funny thing, hashtag stand up,ag stand up. Hashtag Javace. Hashtag Seinfeld. Oh my god. I did the... Oh god who cares. What is wrong with my life. I'm such a boring prick just looking at my phone all the time. Anyway right. She's from Correspondence before we have a full break now. Okay yeah yeah fine. I've got to stop looking like that. Let me know how you get with the brick because I might do that. I've got to stop. I've got to stop looking at my phone. Let me know how you get with a brick, because I might do that. I've got to stop.

It's got to stop. I've got to stop fucking scrolling. I've got an indent on my finger where I hold my phone too long. You've got iPhone hand. I've got iPhone claw. Horrible little iPhone claw. Right, here we go.

Hi, Rob and Josh. I was listening to the Dish podcast with Nick Grimshaw and Angela Hartnett. Oh, yeah, that's where they eat food and have a chat, isn't it? Angela said that it is traditional in Italy to have lasagna on Christmas Day. Oh!

As they have their big meal on Christmas Eve. This made me think of Josh and his veggie lasagna. Perhaps he has some Italian heritage in his DNA drawing him to the meal choice. Well, no, because you don't have a nice dinner on Christmas Eve either. They're having a lasagna Christmas Eve, a Christmas day, because they have their proper dinner Christmas Eve.

That's what they're saying there. Traditionally in our house now we have Chinese on Christmas Eve, but I don't enjoy a Chinese takeaway. I do, but for me that's more of a 27th, 28th board of turkey and Christmas food, not Christmas Eve. It's so shit for veggies. I don't like that. It's that's it.

That's roses thing, isn't it? Next year, I'm just going to have pizza. Why can't you just turn it into takeaway Christmas Eve? I'm gonna. That's next year. I'm gonna. I like this new Josh. Is this 2025 Josh Willigan?

Oh, yeah, we haven't done up. Um, we didn't. Oh, yeah. It's just going out on the Friday, Michael, of the first week of Jan. Yeah, probably this Friday, this one. Okay. Well, let's break it down. Let's plan for Jan in the year, Josh. I know people get bored in this shit, but I'm going to start smoking. Yeah. I just want a resolution that's easy. I think what you should do is wean yourself on using vapes. So start vaping. That's the halfway and then you can start

smoking. I might gamble irresponsibly. Yeah, it feels like an easy one. Because it's sometimes resolutions are really hard. And lose weight be better. Get fat be worse. I can't I hate it. I do why because I don't actually buzz off the wind. But I hate myself for the loss that makes. Yeah, exactly. And that says a lot about you. And it says a lot about me. Yeah. So right, what you doing? What's happening?

I am genuinely and this sounds but this has been I've been moving in this direction. So it's also helpful that I'm just going to focus genuinely on just doing things I'm much more interested in doing work wise. Yep. And just doing stuff that's fun and excites me rather than I'm leaving the podcast. Okay. Okay.

Okay. No, I really enjoy my job. I love my job. Yeah. But there's certain things that I do. I'm like, why am I doing this? Yeah. And I'm going to focus on doing more things that don't pay. But I enjoy. Right. Okay. Is that a weird resolution? No, I think that's a good thing because I think... Because this didn't pay. Do you know what I mean? I think that's the thing. You've got to back yourself to do the things that you want to do. And now it does pay and you still enjoy it. Yeah. That's like, what I mean by that is do the things that I think, oh, I'd enjoy that project, I'm going to do that. I think that what you're saying there is put more of a emphasis on stuff that you enjoy

as opposed to pay the bills. Obviously you need to get paid the bills, but it gets to the point where you're like, well, I'd rather do a couple more jobs I like this year and not have that holiday than do loads of jobs I hate and have that holiday. Do you know what I mean? Because that balance a bit more of like, do you actually want that, need that thing,

or would you rather just enjoy your day at work or what you do? And so that is my aim. Yeah. That'd probably be easier to achieve once the scaffold's down, won't it? I always found it very, I always found it very hard to take that approach when I build as at my house because I felt like whenever I build as at my one day, whether we will get, because we moved into this house and it weren't done properly. And there was like a day where they went, Oh,

we're just going to try and get all the last things done. There were 18 men at my house working. Oh my God. I had the day off. I booked a gig in. I thought I can't watch cause I'm like, I'm paying for all these blokes here. I've got to leave the house and earn a bit of money. Watching a lot of 200 quids walk around here. the express shop online for super prices and super savings. Try it today and get up to $75 in PC optimum points. Visit superstore.ca to get started.

Yeah. Okay. So that's your plan to do more focus on doing things you enjoy more rather than. Well, yeah, it's, it's just, you know, just trying to get back to that state that you're in when you start comedy, where you're like, fucking hell, I'm getting to do comedy. This is really exciting rather than it feeling like a job. Yeah. Okay. That's good. Yeah. My mind's more just a continue. I did make good progress with going to the gym and eating well. Yeah. But then

over Christmas and stuff like that, that really suffered. So I'm very excited about getting more disciplined. Are we are we going to carry on cottage cheese boys? The cottage cheese boys? I'm so excited to get back into cottage cheese. I'm gonna have some after this. Yeah, I'm having some for lunch. Yeah, so I'm gonna really focus on that and doing because I really enjoy it actually. When I do more exercise and when I eat well, it's much better for my head because I emotionally eat and drink. If something goes well, I have a beer, if I feel fed up, I have a beer. If something goes well, I got for a nice dinner, if something goes bad, I can't

get a hell of a burger and chips to cheer myself up. So that's not a that's too an erratic approach to life, where I need to I need to be measured. Yes. And that's my plan. Again, a bit boring. But you know, do some more comedy ones. Anyway, back to lasagna. Love the podcast. I've listened from the beginning back in the weird days of lockdown. I have no kids and your podcast confirms I've made the right life choice. Are we talking about lasagna again?

No, this is the end of that email we never got to. Oh, sorry. We went on a bit of a tangent. Hi, Rob and Josh. As a massive fan of the podcast and the NFL. Oh, I was amazed to hear Detroit Lions quarterback Jared Goff calling an audible i.e. the change of play. So that's when they shout from the line. Yeah.

Yeah. At scrimmage by shouting the words gobble gobble. Oh, yes. Big pod fan. Got Jared Goff. Huge pod fan. I first heard this in the Thanksgiving, Kevin Day game. So thought nothing of it.

But he's done it again in the two games since, making me wonder if he's a secret, or not so secret, parenting hell fam. Oh my God, I love it too. Chris, 473 months, dad to Alex, 134 months. Someone said happy birthday to me when I was on holiday at the hotel buffet. And I was really taken aback because they didn't gobble gobble first of all. They just said happy birthday. And then I assumed it must be from the podcast because I didn't I hadn't put

anything out about it being my birthday at that point. Well, Lou and Lou put something out so that was after because I just said, Oh, because she knows that we like my birthday. She doesn't really make a big thing out of it. Maybe maybe that art Do you know what it might have been Rob? What? Because occasionally someone will recognize you, and I've done this to people. You'll look at their Wikipedia to check, like you'll Google them.

He might have Googled you, seen you, Googled you. She, takes all sorts. She might have Googled you, gone, oh my God, it's his birthday today. Yeah, maybe. It said my birthday was November the 12th for ages on the internet so in November people if you ask Alexa for the mince pie song, Father Christmas will shout for you gobble gobble as he eats his Mrs. Pie. As he eats Mrs. Christmas's pie, that feels a bit... Have we gone a bit rude? It's a bit like loaded magazine, isn't it?

Yeah. It's good enough for Father Christmas, it's good enough for Parenting Hill. Merry Christmas, Nikki. AKA the traumatized kid left in the car at the Beach Boys concert. I remember that. Oh, that was bad. That was bad. Parenting Hill car accident. Hi, Robin Josh. I was happily driving to work listening to your podcast when a lorry decided to run me off the road. Oh no. As my commute is one hour 30 minutes each way, my boyfriend insisted on fitting a dashcam to my car. When watching the footage back, you can hear your lovely voices just before the accident happened. Oh my word. My call to send

a clip on email. Everyone was saving except a bit of sore joints. I've attached a video for you to enjoy. Keep doing what you're doing. You keep my commute mildly bearable. From Katie, 330 months. Have we got that clip Michael? Yeah, he sent it through on email.

Can you play it Josh? No, did you? Er, no. I was gigging. Yeah, where were you? At Orchard? Plymouth versus Coventry, did you? No. I was gigging. Yeah, I watched the first of his Coventry as I saw him. I thought he was on your own as well. Oh my god. Oh Jesus. Oh my god. And also, how fucking boring are we? I know, I was just fucking up. Do you know what? That is the shittiest podcast I've ever heard in my life. Initially, I thought oh there's two people in the car just having a boring chat. Was you driving two depressed men to work with you? That is fucking, do you know what, do you know who's got to be held responsible for this? Michael, how has that shit been left in the end? Yeah, let's blame him. What

the fuck's going on, Michael? How do you leave it that kind of crap in? Let's speed that voice up. That was turgid bullshit. Awful. Maybe the lorry driver was listening and thought fuck this, I'm going to crash. Fucking hell, let's shut these two cunts up. Jesus Christ, I was working. Oh, I was watching blimps v Coventry. Well, you're right. Hand me a shotgun. Let's kill them both. She's sympathising with the people on Twitter. That's called us boring bastards. You're right. You're right. Fuck it out. That was like looking in a mirror. I'm

realising that you've aged 20 years. Oh Jesus Christ Michael is it all like that? Why are people listening to this shit? No don't keep listening please. You want to keep doing things you enjoy. You can't lose this. You'll be straight back at it. I don't enjoy this anymore. keep doing things you enjoy. You can't lose this. You'll be straight back at it. I can't enjoy this anymore. It's crap. Well, you don't have to listen. Thank God. Are all podcasts like that? I'm sure they're better than that. Fuck it. We were just set up. We were revving up to something, I reckon.

Yeah. A great story about Plymouth v Coventry. Yeah. What was the result anyway? You lost, didn't you? I don't know. When I watched that, that's like a year ago, I think. Here we go. Oh! I think it was a last minute goal, Plymouth v Coventry. Let's not do it again. Let's not do it again. Sorry fucking hell, I'm going down the- Here we go. Let's liven it up. Hey, hey Josh.

You remember when we asked about the toilet mat? You're wearing a backwards baseball cap. That should give us something. Everyone hates it. I get, I get, I told you about this. I get road rage at me when I wear this hat like this. It's just the top of the hair I got my eyes. But I don't know a bandana. That'd be worse for them. I want you to wear a bandana You remember was talking about the guy that used to be in the toilets in nightclubs and their catchphrases Right, so we've got some sent in here This is from Luke just listening to series 9 episode 34 Rob and Josh just scoffed at no spray

No lay guy in the toilets when I was uni, the guy that worked in Fez Club Putney, his name is Stanley, was a celebrity in our eyes. This was due to the extremely diverse selection of fragrances, Chuppa Chub lollies and lines. He's written Chuppa Chuppa. Does he mean Chuppa Chops? Chuppa Chops, Chuppa Chuppa. I think that was spelled Chuppa Chuppa, but it's Chuppa Chops. Do you ever tell me about a time I bought my then girlfriend a massive Chapa Chaps from an airport after I'd been around Europe backpacking as a present because she quite liked Chapa

Chaps. And I went to meet her and I was holding it like a sort of massive microphone and she dumped me on London Bridge as I was holding my Chapa Chaps. Oh my God. That is so funny. And I just walked off holding the Chapa Chaps. Did you, you never gave it to her? I can't remember actually, but I don't. Where did you meet her? What do you mean? To be dumb to it?

Where were you meeting her initially? Cause you made it to London Bridge or did she just be there? I was meeting her from work. She worked, she had a proper job. She was like, when I was about 21, 22, she had a proper job in the city doing quite well. And I was just like working in a bar, going around Europe backpacking and stuff. She actually broke up with me because I wasn't ambitious enough, which was absolutely terrible take. If anything, I say, who the fuck did you want to go out with? Ramesh? There you go. Do you want to go and... All right. Thank you. Yeah. So, to be fair,

though, I think I didn't have a- You didn't know what to be ambitious for at that point. No, I was just a man with a tan stood on London Bridge with a chopper chopper. That doesn't scream ambition. It doesn't scream the opening montage of The Apprentice. Yeah, exactly. Especially if she's like, in like the corporate world of all these older people earning loads of money, they probably got a Mercedes and a suit and I'm stood there in a converse and a chopper chop at 21.

And look at you now though, boring people to death on a fucking podcast. With a backwards cap. With a backwards cap. Okay, now here we go. Chopper chopper. And he's like, these are the lines. So we just do the lines. Yeah, the standard no spray, no lay. Yeah. The other was no wash, no nosh. Oh, no. Why I'd say as well is these guys, I don't know how delicately to say this, would normally have a bit of an accent that would give the line more of an emphasis and they

would exploit their accents for full comic effects. Comic effects of attention. Because I tell you what it was, it wasn't delivered in a alpha way. No, and I feel like if I actually copied the accent, even if I did it exactly the same. That would be the kind of stuff Michael would edit out. But anyway, here are the lines. No wash, no nosh. Do you ever hear that one?

Yeah. No Armani. No punani. Yeah, that's a good one. Actually. No Davidoff. No have it off. That's quite nice. Very PG, isn't it? Yeah. No Gucci. No hoochie. I think that's I've never called it hoochie. Have you called it hoochie? No hoochie mama, no. No hoochie, no soap, no hope. Because what they use... That's quite a bleak one, actually. No, yeah. Well, what happened is I found those guys in the toilets were trying to earn their money by doing the soap for you and then giving you and turning the tap on for you and giving you the tissue stuff that I definitely could handle on my own. Yeah, I swear a good service industry, for example,

gutter pro, he's gonna stick a camera right up your pipe. You couldn't do that on your own. So you need it. However, I can do soap, do water, do tissue. What they do is they would lure you into position where they would do your soap, say no, and then it'd be very difficult to not pay them because they've done your soap. So no soap, no hope was a good one actually, I imagine. These are the ones I can remember. I'm sure there were more that you know.

Do send them in. And do, if you, if anyone knows somebody who worked in that job, I'd love to know what kind of the finances of it were. I'm fascinated. Were they employed by the club? Were they on commission? Was it all just tips? What was, and what was their National Insurance PAYE sitch? Exactly. Were they declaring it all? Who knows? It's very tough to declare how many pound coins you've

got in a dish on a Saturday night in the Fez club. Also, if you are one of those guys. There's a lot of comedians that did the free fringe that I'm going to, I'm going to say it probably didn't declare it. If you were one of those guys that worked in the toilets, let us know. And well, women as well, because I was never in the women's toilets. Were there women ones as well? Was it just male? Yeah. But then would they have the same sayings?

So obviously no Puna. I know Armani no Poonani, but like, would it be like, no, no. Chanel number five. No. It's yeah, it's tougher. Isn't it? It's fucking The problem here is I don't know many female perfumes.

Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's have a little Chanel number five. I'm going to type. Sorry, Michael. I know people don't like this. Muff Dive. Muff Dive. Yes, please. We're cooking on gas! This is good podcasting! That would be good in a gay club, but in a more traditional heterosexual club. No, no, no, because you're getting him to muff dive on you. Because you crush Chanel number five. Oh, absolutely! That's perfect! Well done, everyone!

But do you know what, Rob? What I like about you, because you're such a giving person, you see the joy of the muff divers being the giver rather than the receiver. Oh, no. Great. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. What are the great guys? What we got Mark Jacobs. No, no, no. Black Opiem Dior must be easy. Dior. Fucking hell. Muggler. I can't do this. No Muggler. No fuck.

Oh, we are so bad at this. Dior. Tim Vines probably screaming at the speaker. He wouldn't like the bluer stuff. But Jimmy Carr would absolutely. Yeah. No Dior. No feeling like a whore.

I don't know about that one. I don't think that's really. I'm struggling. That's not making me want to get me purse out and give you a tip. Yeah. You've just made me sad walking back out onto the dance floor, questioning everything.

Well, this is odd. This Calvin Klein one's called... How about this? No Dior, no fucking you till you're sore. Oh God! No one wants to be fucked till they're sore, do they? Well, I'm trying, Rob, I'm trying. What's vibrating?

Oh my phone's ringing, fuck that. Who's ringing? I don't know. Oh, Tom Ford Ombre Leather. No Tom Ford Ombre Leather, no chance of a fella. Yeah, yours are quite sweet. Yeah, I'm a sweet guy. You're disgusting. I'm not in it too much. Fuck me till I'm sore you all. What's going on with Josh Ridicum? No Tom Ford. No, um, breakfast and bored.

Breakfast and bored. Oh, bored is in state. I thought you meant bored is not interested. Hugo Boss. Time for a toss. No Hugo Boss. No time for a toss there we go that's nice women really want to put perfume on so they get the chance to walk off a man no um how about no tom ford no being poured p-a-w-e-d yeah if i think you'd really have to spell that out. And I don't think that's the vibe of the toilet. Oh, how about this? We are bad at parvoids. This is good. This is good. This is good. Wait, I've got to remember the word. I'm on the perfume shop just scrolling perfumes. What's Muggler?

What's the place where you give birth? The hospital? The what ward? The maternity. No Tom Ford, no maternity ward. Oh! I like that. I like that.

Oh, there we go. Yeah. No Paco Rabanne, no Chance of a Man. There we go. There we go. That's nice. Robes are all so kind of lovely and Christian. That's a bit of fun.

Give me a quid, here's some soap. Fuck off. I just remembered my children are in the next room. No Versace, no Chancey. That sounds like... It's a bit like Fuck off. I just remember my children are in the next room. No Versace. No chance II bit that's Yeah, um, how about um No fake perfume from China. No having sex in your vagina Jimmy Choo. I want to Jimmy Choo

Have you ever heard never in live- action felt peering out before until then. A collective. Oh dear, that was fun. Hi you sexy relatable relatable duo. When I was seven and my brother- Are you relatable? Cause most people are boring. Is that what this is? Yeah. Have we really nailed into fucking bored people?

I think this is the worst podcast on earth. Is this from the, it's just a person, this message. No, no, I was just thinking. When I was seven and my brother was five, our parents took us to Spain. We had to hire a car, but it wasn't the right one. so my dad moaned the whole drive to the villa. The next morning what I didn't know was that my dad had got up early, gone back to the car place and swapped the car. Fine. So when I got up to go out my dad said, oh this car looks nice,

let's see if the key fits. Of course the car opened and he got in. Come on, I'm sure the owners won't mind if we borrow it this morning. Oh, so he was pretending he stole a car. Me being seven and assuming this was my dad stealing a car in a foreign country, started hysterically crying, telling him that he'd get caught and be in a Spanish prison. What would mum say? You can't do this. I don't want to be in trouble with the police. The whole time being greeted with, don't worry darling, they'll have to catch me first. Oh, as he zoomed off. Well, I've never walked around a supermarket so quick to get home

the whole time. My heart was racing and I was panicking. We got in the car and got back to the villa in floods of tears telling my dad, my dad did a naughty thing. She told him off. I reassured me it was my car and it was a cruel prank. Love the pod Camilla 396 months. I could see you doing that role. First of all, I can't possibly comprehend a seven year old called Camilla. No, I'm struggling with that. Yeah. So far. I feel like that's the kind of thing that I would do.

But as soon as my child start crying, I would just go back out. Yeah, and just explain it. What what benefit did that get? Like I don't want my child crying at the shops. I certainly if I could stop it immediately would. Yeah, usually I'll do things to stop my child crying that in the long run, probably show me to be a weak parent and give them an upper hand on something, let alone do something that will actually help the situation that is a benefit to everyone. Because he wanted to start, it was all the idea, it was a bit of a laugh.

Yeah, I'd start the car and then go, I'm joking. Dear Rob and Josh, I am an OG lockdown listener and your podcast has helped me get through my PhD because I can have it on in the background cause it's so boring and I can still get on with my work. Oh, Lou's back, hello dogs. Sorry. It's all right. They're skinny, aren't they? They're skinny but aren't they soft? Oh, Lou's back. Hello dogs. Sorry. It's all right.

They're skinny, aren't they? They're skinny, but aren't they soft? Oh, Josh says, you all right? Hello, Josh. Hi. I just got the dogs back. Right, okay, cool. Some live action, live admin there, guys.

Live action, live admin. Live action, live admin. Right, keeps me entertained while traveling around Asia for the last two years. As you might have guessed, I'm childless and plan to keep it that way. Here's a boomer story from when I was six years old. My dad liked to play practical jokes on me. One time he fell face forward onto the living room floor. He starts shouting out in pain and when he stands up, he has one hand covering his eye. In his other hand, he's holding a fork with a pickled onion covered in tomato ketchup

for the end of it. It's a good gig. It's a good one. You've got to enjoy that. A fork with a pickled onion with tomato ketchup on. You've written the pickled onion for me by the way. Yeah, which at the time I thought was his bloody eyeball and burst into tears. I'm still traumatized to this day. I've never eaten a pickled onion since. I love pickled onions. I used to eat pickled to this day. I've never eaten a pickled onion since. I love pickled onions. I used to eat pickled onion sandwiches as a kid. Oh, I could eat a whole jar. They're too strong. They're too strong.

No, not the big ones. I have the little ones. They're just a bit intense. I've told you about a time that I ate pickled onions my father-in-law made, haven't I? No. My father-in-law gave me some pickled onions. Where are these pickled onions? Well, oh thanks. I took them home, got one out and cut it up I eat with a sandwich felt horrendously ill

like because it was a massive one not the little ones yeah horrendously ill that tastes a bit twangy found out he'd picked them that morning. I was supposed to open them in three months my bumhole was in pieces it was horrible. Oh I'm sorry I'm sorry. I had to tip the old no splash no Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's a tip the old, don't splash, don't gash, about eight quid after dropping. Is it, is it a good answer? Anyone had a poo in a nightclub when the man's been there?

Because you can have a poo in a nightclub because the other people in the toilet are transitionary. You might see you go in, but you know that the weeers have gone. And if someone else is there, they're in and out and no one, they might know, but they might not. You can live in that bliss of ignorance. But if there's a guy in there with the tray and the aftershave, he knows what's happened. Oh, he knows what's going on. He can hear that you've put on some music on your iPhone. By the way, that was from Alice, originally from Darlington, current location TBC. Enjoy your life,

Alice. That's what it's there for. Go out there and live your bloody life. Live your bloody life. Hi, recently I took my two year old to the doctor's surgery where we were sitting in the quiet waiting room. Trying to keep it occupied, I pointed out things I could see on the posters on the wall. So I left with this poster that had a picture of Jude Bellingham and Alex Brooker in a football kit on. What are they doing together? What? My five year old son is a massive Arsenal fan and so is my two year old who just

calls any footballer Arsenal. Unfortunately, she pronounces it arsehole. So there she is tapping pictures of Jude Bellingham and Alex Bricka over and over again, proudly declaring them arseholes to everyone in the room. On the subject of mispronunciation, our two year old daughter also sometimes asks us Oliver arsehole, meaning it's her brother playing football. So, so. I like it. Arsehole. So sometimes it's been a stressful day with the kids and we just smile and nod. Yes, he is arsehole, darling.

And it feels good to call your child an arsehole without the kids realising. There we go. Can you find, let's find this poster. What the fuck? I've got to find this poster. What the fuck is that poster? Love you both. And it felt crazy that I've seen you both separately. There's no pictures online of Alex Brooker with Jude Bellingham. And I'm sure if he'd met him, I'd know. Next question. Sure.

On that, I just as an aside, my son has started saying something, which we aren't correcting because we think it's quite fun. Go on. If he's bored, he'll say, I'm boring. And we'll go, yeah, you are boring. Yeah. In our heads, that bit. That bit's in our heads.

You don't say it to him, though? No. No. No, but he'll come in and he'll go, I think it's worse than you meant to know, isn't it? Oh, there's nothing to do. I'm boring. And we'll go, OK. You know, you react as if he go, I think it's worse than you made it in a minute. Oh, there's nothing to do. I'm boring. And we'll go, okay. You know, react as if he said, I'm bored. You'll just stare at him in silence and think you are boring.

And he's not boring. I thought yesterday I had to, I played pretending Father Christmas is coming, going to bed, getting up, doing our presents for three hours. We just played the same. Right. In his bedroom, go to bed, get up, doing our presents for three hours. We just played the same. Well, like, in his bedroom, right. In his bedroom. Like, make-believe. Go to bed, get up, get the presents. I struggled with that eight, that stage. Did he play with your daughter, or were they a bit too apart? Yeah, my daughter was away.

So suddenly, I was actually like, fucking hell. Having one kid at this stage would be tough, because I am just providing all of the play all of the time. You know what, we were so, I didn't realize how hard that is because we were so lucky that once we got kids that were two years apart so they were really close in age, even though it was really difficult it was a blessing because they've been like, since my eldest daughter's been like four, she's just played with her two-year-old sister and they play so well together. They never really, we never, I never really have to do that play stuff with them. Yeah, I enjoy it with my son, but it's tough if you've got anything else to do. Cause he's

just going, could we, could you play shops? And it's really sweet and it's really fun, but you're just like- But the truth is I don't want to play fucking shops. I'm 39, I'm busy. Even if I had a week off, I don't want to play fucking shops. I'm 39, I'm busy. Even if I had a week off, I wouldn't. The amount of things- I don't think, Rob, if you retired, I don't think you'd play shops once, you and Lou. Do you know what?

If I sat in a room alone for 40 years, I still wouldn't think about playing shops. I don't want to play shops. I know you're four, but I don't want to play shops, right? It's fucking boring. Well, there we go. But luckily I don't have to, but I wouldn't say that to my child. But you know, no,

you think it and then worry and hope that they don't feel it. Yeah, and then you say on a podcast, but luckily, no one gets the end of the podcast because it's most because that is fucking boring. Yeah, you thought the old commentary plume of stuff was right. Business shout out and then we'll leave your ears alone. You're pros nearly here, Rob.

God bro. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. We'd love a small business shout out for our travel guides, Weekend Journals. We are a small family team, husband and wife, Simon and Millie, and Millie's brother Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, and started our guidebooks nine years ago promoting special weekend destinations and everything that makes them great from specialty coffee shops to stylish family-friendly hotels, independent museums and best restaurants. There is no advertising or payment to be involved. We just want to showcase our favorite places

and give publicity to worthy businesses. We have produced guidebooks on Cornwall, Somerset, London, Provence, and our new book on Oxfordshire is now available to order at weekendjournals.co.uk or at weekend journals on Instagram. We Simon and Millie have listened to you apparently since the beginning. And we have two boys, Wilf and Zeffie.

These are some posh guys here. Thank you for keeping us company on many car journeys and tired walks. Hope this email reaches Michael at the right place and time to be picked, thanks Millie. Anyway, Josh, I'll see you next time. Yeah, see you next time. Goodbye. Bye.