Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Akaash Singh | Send In The Dancers
Episode Date: March 31, 2024This week Bobby sits down with comedian Akaash Singh. They talk about how he decided to open his new special, how he started the podcast with Andrew Schulz, and Bobby talks about doing improv with Dan...e Cook back in the day. Watch Akaash's new special Gaslit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_HqJyq2SYU Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling,
winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do.
Who wants this last parachute? I do.
Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio,
exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated.
19 plus and physically located in Ontario.
Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca.
Please play responsibly.
Your wife Indian too.
She's Indian. That was important to me.
That was important to your mother.
You know these comics, it was important,
but you know these comics who like hate white people
and then they fuck them?
Yeah.
I didn't want to be that.
If I'm a hate white woman, I'm a hate white woman.
Not to say there's not gorgeous white girls,
but I can't be shitting on white women
and then having sex with them.
That's the loser shit.
Right. That's what black dudes do.
And some woke brown comics.
The more woke you are, the more you want to fuck white people.
This is male, female, across the gender.
I just didn't want to be hypocritical at all.
And I always thought I want to pass my culture on to my kids
and the best way of doing that is they don't have an alternative.
Listen to me right now.
I talk about it all the time.
People get sick of me.
Guys, it's time to get the best t-shirt.
I'm wearing it right now.
I'm wearing the underwear.
I'm usually full true classics.
The t-shirt, I'm telling you right now,
not everybody has a Brad Pitt Fight Club body.
Most of us are just regular dudes,
but here's the thing with this.
I don't know why they figured it out
and other people haven't.
It's the best t-shirt ever made.
It's tight up top and it has a little loose down the bottom
so when you raise your hand up
or you go to pick something up, or you're in the Walmart,
or your stomach and your side fat doesn't hang out,
and it's not sticking to you, see?
Oh, I remember my old t-shirts.
You could see my belly button hernia through them.
It was disgusting.
True classics has figured it out.
All these shirts are made to accentuate
the places the eye goes to first.
Tighter in the arms and chest, but with the perfect amount of room in your midsection.
The best part is that True Classics sells their premium products in packs to help you
save.
Get started with a two or three pack of t-shirts today and feel the difference for yourself.
I wear them all the time. They have active I have the hoodies, the sweatpants,
the workout gear. A lot of times I'm in full True Classics head to toe. If they
made a sneaker I'd wear it. If they made socks I'd wear it. That's the only thing.
No matter what your schedule you want to feel and look your best this is what you
got to do. True Classics even has a hundred percent
Perfect fit guarantee. Did you hear what I said?
A hundred percent perfect fit guarantee and super easy to return. Okay, so you got nothing to lose
So if you're ready to upgrade your closet shop now with my exclusive link at true classic.com slash dude D U D E and save up to 25% off your first order.
Please support the show and tell them we sent you no matter how you move.
Make 2024 your most comfortable year yet with true classics, true classics.com slash dude.
Yeah, baby. We was that the podcast right now
we're back you know what you live welcome everybody to the show
why can't that
i started the social media podcast
that's why can't that
like to be back again
a word all started, before them all. Why K-Dub?
This podcast is so fun and crazy.
It has no rules.
God, help! You're ruining this!
Where's the bomb, Dan? I'm out!
Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR.
That's what this podcast does!
Is there any better show? This is the original.
I'm gonna get you now too. You know what I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying.
What's up everybody, it's Robert Kelly.
We're back for another You Know What Dude podcast.
We got a great episode today,
so make sure you do me a favor right now.
A lot of people are watching this,
but you're not subscribing.
So if you're first time here and you're not subscribed,
hit the stupid button
It's nothing it costs you nothing except a click of your mouse or your dumb finger
And make sure you like comment and do all that stuff go to my social media
I got nobody on Instagram
So go follow me on there you son of a bitch and if you really want to watch the show live
You want to support the show and you want to be able to make it so I can pay these
Autistic kids that work for me so they can get soup and whatever weird shit they eat go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly and
Become a member up there and become a real-ass dude. So we got this great episode today. I'm excited you're on
Max who do we got we got a Akash thing?
Whoo, I mean he has the
personality of a dirty sponge.
I mean what the f***?
I apologize.
It's all good dude.
Are you a comedian?
Yes.
Oh that's rough for you.
Just no command of the room yet.
You know what I mean?
Are you green? He's new? No, no, no, no, no. He's had a lot of time to get this shit down.
And he still has it.
I mean, he really blows.
Can you try it again? Not for me. My ego doesn't need it, but I'm worried about you as a comedian owning a room.
That's true.
Can you just try it again?
Give him a shot. Ready? Who do we get on, Max?
We got comedian Akash Singh. That was a little bit better. I mean, not much. Not much. It was a
little bit better. Not much. I want to say that was better and then I stopped myself. You want to
hear worse? Joe, Joe, who do we get on, Joe? We got Akash Singh on the show. That's a radio DJ.
I mean, that just sucked. That was FM radio, dude. Let's try with Danny. Who do we get on today?
We have from Flagrant. Oh, forget it. It's gone. That's Wheel of Fortune. Let's try with Danny. Who do we get on today? We have from flagrant
Forget it. It's gone. That's wheel of fortune. I mean it's suck. Yeah, I got nobody I got I wish your girls liked me
They really hate me
We got what you're adorable. I would they hate you hotter and hotter every day. Oh look, dude
You've been giving me compliments since we walk in man. I love it. Thanks buddy
I remember I remember you a couple years ago, big boy.
Now, you know what I mean?
No more bang bang.
Well, here's the thing.
I remember when I went on your show with Shiltsy,
and I had just gotten the surgery,
but my special was,
I mean, I can't watch it.
I can't.
Too fat?
Buddy, I hate it.
I mean, I am a tub of shit on Killbox. Yeah, but it's a great special. Yeah, it was great
It's on killbox right now. I mean on punch up dot live. We're gonna go watch it for nothing. Oh, no punch up
Yeah, I love punch up. You know about punch up. No punch ups great. Oh, it's a great great new platform out there. No
You put it up there. You have to edit it. It's what word I'm looking for? No censoring, that's not the word.
What's the other word?
I think that's the word.
It is the word, but it's not the one I'm looking for.
Anyways, yeah, it's great.
All my stuff's up there, it's fantastic.
Anywho, so dude, you got a new special out.
Yes.
Now, you're a part of this thing,
you guys created this thing over there with Shiltsy. Yes. Now you're a part of this thing, you guys created this thing over there with
Schiltzi that, I mean, it's huge, dude. Oh, thank you, man. I mean, I didn't know how
huge it was until I went to the studio to do the show. Yeah. And you have, you have
a, like a legitimate, you own the floor. It's a full space, yeah. It's a full space, but then you guys all rolled in
like, with your e-bikes.
I don't have an e-bike.
You don't have one?
No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, dude, everybody rolled in on e-bikes.
I was like, what the is this?
I felt like I was in the future.
Like you guys are coming up with a new app or something.
I'm lifting, dude.
I'm lifting an Uber.
Your Uber, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
You don't have an e-bike, why not? No, I'm too, I'm risk averse in Uber. You're Uber, yeah? Yeah, yeah. You don't have an e-bike?
Why not?
No, I'm too, I'm risk averse in life.
Financially, I have no risk aversion.
Career-wise, let's take whatever risk,
let's put whatever money in.
But when it comes to safety, I'm weirdly,
like I don't like roller coasters.
I don't like motorcycles.
I never, I'm just like, no, I'm trying to live.
Dude, I'm the same way.
Like people want to get me to do stupid,
and I'm like, why?
Yeah. I'm not, yeah, I'm too old. If I, you know, Stan, I gotta the same way like people want to get me to do stupid dead and I'm like why yeah, I'm not
Yeah, I'm too old if I you know Stan
I gotta go on the road if I hurt something if I get a bad knee I'm dead
Yeah, are you gonna feed your family? Yeah, I'm not gonna go skiing. Yeah. No never Ari's like look going skiing
It's like dude. You're gonna hit a tree have fun
Yeah, I don't you gonna oh you're gonna do mushrooms and go down a mountain. That doesn't sound right.
That does not sound, the mushrooms part I'm into.
You do drugs?
I've done, I didn't smoke weed.
I didn't do anything until I was like 38.
Rogan got me to smoke weed, as he will.
And then I did shrooms right before I filmed the special.
I was hoping to have one of them.
Breakthroughs, I didn't, but it was so fun.
It was so fun, dude.
It's the best.
What breakthrough?
You think it becomes Luis C.K.?
Dude, I don't know, yeah. You know, man, was so fun, dude. It's the best. What breakthrough? You think it becomes Luis Sique? Dude, I don't know. Yeah.
You know, man, life is weird, man.
No, I don't know.
But Izzy, you know Israel Adesanya, the fighter?
Yeah.
He lost a fight and then he said he did shrooms twice
before the rematch and he won.
And he was like, it was really helpful for me
till I get mental clarity.
And I was like, well, if Izzy can do it, I can do it.
I'm not a fucking fighter.
That's not the way it works.
Yeah, it didn't work.
No. I had a fun time though. I can do it. I'm not a fucking fighter. That's not the way it works. Yeah, it didn't work. No.
I had a fun time though.
I had a blast.
What happens on mushrooms?
Dude, you disassociate, I don't know.
I didn't do a crazy dose.
I did a gram, but I spaced it out over like three hours.
Yeah.
So it was, but you're just, you put on some headphones,
you're just having a blast, dude.
But what happened?
Like, where do you go to see?
I didn't go any crazy.
Now I want to do like four grams alone and just live
and just, you know, have it out with God or whatever.
But
Your God or my God?
Well, it's all one God.
Is it?
Yeah.
Are you religious?
I am religious, yeah.
Okay, what's your religion?
I see a Hindu.
But we believe is like, there's many different ways
to get up to a mountain.
Whatever side you climb up from doesn't really matter.
It's just about getting to the top of the mountain.
So you did do mushrooms. Yeah. That was pretty good. That was good. That side you climb up from doesn't really matter. It's just about getting to the top of the mountain. So you did do mushrooms.
Yeah.
That was pretty good.
That's pretty shroom stuff.
That was really good.
That's interesting.
We're great.
What a great answer.
There's many different ways to get up the mountain.
That was from the shroom.
Dude, I heard a better one, which was,
if you have a blindfold on and you're grabbing an elephant,
you're gonna say, well, if you're holding the leg,
you're gonna say, well, this is what this thing feels like.
This elephant feels like this.
It's big, it's meat, it's thick.
Somebody grabs onto the trunk, they're gonna be like,
no, that's not what an elephant is.
An elephant is just like this long, skinny thing.
So none of us know what God is.
It's just incomprehensible thing
that we're looking at kind of blindly.
We're all just grabbing different parts of the elephant.
You could do that with like big black cock porn too.
No, I know what that is.
I know what I'm grabbing on to.
You just don't know.
It could be the balls, it could be the shaft.
No, you know.
It's all pretty clear.
It's all delineated, you know what I mean?
What?
I don't even know what that means.
Distinct to different.
Dude, you're very smart.
No.
No, shut your face.
No, I'm not.
Because you were studying to be?
A doctor, but if I'm here, I didn't succeed.
But you could have mmm you
could have this is a misconception I like to clear up if there's any Indian
kids watching which I know there aren't but if there's any Indian kids watching
don't think I could have been a doctor and turned down med school I didn't get
in I had a year to think about things tried comedy so you got in I'd have
just been a miserable doctor why why is that Indian like Indian dudes, like engineer or doctor, very smart?
Like is schooling...
It's all we have.
And I don't mean that to say, I mean that's our parents never tell us you can be anything
you want to be.
They didn't, they're like, we came here and what we came here for is for you to take care
of your kids the way we hope to take care of you.
The safest fields to do that are engineering and medicine
and maybe law.
Those are the things I'd like you to focus on.
Focus on your studies.
You're not gonna be a pro athlete.
It's not gonna happen.
You focus on this.
Are there any pro athletes?
It is true about Indians.
I say this, there's never a fully in shape Indian dude.
It's tough.
Even your superheroes like the RRR,
like the action stars, which I love Indian action movies.
They're just so over the top.
Oh, there's a new one you gotta watch called Animal.
Oh really?
I mean, it's like a mob movie kind of,
but it's so fucking good.
And there's one scene that you'll, it's,
I mean, thousands of people get murdered by one guy.
It's so, but the guys are never fully in shape.
Like Jean-Claude Van Damme, or like Schwarzenegger,
you know, Stallone.
I'm gonna show you my cousin-in-law.
It's happening.
Here's just to say it's happening.
This is my wife's cousin.
Who's that?
He was the, he was an Indian player.
Symbol R, I think.
Yeah, but look.
Symbol R.
Yeah, but he's not in shape.
Yeah, I know.
There's, let me show you my cousin.
This doesn't even make fucking sense.
What's his name?
Vegas.
Vegas?
Yeah.
V-E-G-A G A A S dot 23.
I mean, just take any picture you want. This guy's a, obviously he's not my genetics.
My wife is in good shape.
Oh dude.
I mean, it's fucking crazy.
Can I just say something?
This is the only in shape Indian guy I've ever seen
in my life.
It's nuts.
I mean, this guy's nuts.
It's happening more, he's getting a little more money.
We have a little more access to nutrition, et cetera.
Wow.
But yet this is starting to happen. I mean, he's ridiculous. It's happening more, he's getting a little more money, we have a little more access to nutrition, et cetera. Wow. But yeah, this is starting to happen.
I mean, he's ridiculous.
Crazy, right?
He's got, but he's got the six pack.
He got it all.
He's got it all, and he's got the-
Bulge, nice bulge.
No, I wasn't gonna say that.
I mean, okay, well, he's your cousin.
I don't know how it goes over there.
He's got the-
I'm his cousin.
I can still fuck him.
That's fucking-
My wife is okay with it.
You said it, I didn't, I would fuck him. Yeah. He's got the thing on top. What's that called? Oh, the turban. The turban. Yeah. I didn't want to say. I don't want to get canceled.
Yeah. Yeah. Now, what is the turban? What is that? So I think the idea, my wife is Sikh. I'm Hindu. My wife Sikh. Yeah. And it's essentially, I think the idea of Sikhi
was three things that they wanted.
They wanted no more casteism.
Casteism had kind of taken a lot of hold in Hinduism.
So they wanted to eliminate that.
There was a lot of gender inequality
they wanted to eliminate and they wanted to
write something in a language or religious text
that everybody could read, not just the rich people,
the high caste people.
And also the turban was a crown back then.
So they were like, every man gets to wear this.
Because you're a king.
Quality thing, yeah, we're all kings.
Yeah, this guy's not, look at him.
Look at the one on the right, the way over to the right.
Watch, he won't go to the right.
I said to the right.
I went to the right, look, he goes to the middle,
now he goes to the right.
Wow, man.
Is that the only in shape any guy on earth?
There's a couple out there, but this one.
Wow.
This one might be number one.
He's nuts.
Crazy.
I'm gonna say this, not much packing.
Come on, dude, don't hate on the bulge.
It's a solid bulge.
That's not a solid bulge.
I mean.
But he probably tucked the balls.
That's just, you know, hang.
I don't know, dude.
He's got a hang time.
He's got a, he's got to get a little fluff in there or something.
You know I wouldn't take that photo unless I fluffed it up a little bit.
I can't believe you clicked on it.
I mean dude I'm looking right at it.
It's white.
I mean it's a bulls eye right there.
Look he's probably a grower too and not a show.
Yeah me too.
I'm a grower not a show.
Who am I kidding?
You gotta push a lot of chub foot fat back to get mine.
You know what I quote you on all the time is I'm on what do you say?
I'm on my fifth fat or my fourth fat six fat sixth fat. Yes. I always quote people on that. Oh
Yeah
Let me ask you a question about your religion here, too, right? Yeah, I
Find it interesting bit like an Indian wedding
I am I don't want to ever become friends with an Indian fully because I don't want you to invite me to your wedding
Yeah, because it's like a three-day event it looks fun it's so fun
it is fun but it's like three days right seven how many days in India I've heard
seven I haven't been to a full Indian seven-day thing I've never been to that
in America typically two days it's two days is nothing it's like I hate Friday
and a Saturday and it's done three events. I don't, I hate weddings.
I hate the whole thing.
Why would you hate a wedding?
Because it's, first of all, I'll tell you why.
It's like, you know, they pretend like they're
the motherfuckers for the day.
Like she's a princess.
She's not.
She blew, she was at a fucking.
They paid all the money for you to be there so they're like.
No, you didn't, cause you gotta give them money back.
You gotta give them an envelope.
Let me tell you something, a wedding is a net loss.
It's a net loss.
It's a massive net loss.
I gotta fucking lose a day, a weekend.
No, for us, for the people throwing the wedding.
For you.
I lost money on my wedding.
But I lost money too, because I gotta go there,
I gotta give you money, right, for your day.
So I'm paying for my food,
basically I'm paying to go to your wedding, right?
I gotta give you at least what you fed me, right?
Right?
I don't drink.
I don't drink.
I don't drink.
I don't drink.
So now I'm going to a wedding all day,
and it's exhausting, and then you gotta go to a church.
You know the-
I mean the fucking getting dressed, getting up, and it's exhausting and then you gotta go to a church. You know the- What's exhausting about the wedding?
I mean the fucking getting dressed, getting up,
going there, then you gotta go to the church.
This is the fattest thing you've ever said.
You know what?
You're exhausted getting dressed.
I haven't been to a wedding skinny.
You might have a thing.
Yo, if you're like buttin' your shirt like,
oh, I'm so tired, I'm worn out.
Every wedding I have to run to men's warehouse
and get it, because I was always a different fat.
Yeah. Either I lost weight and the shirt doesn't fit,
or I gained weight and the shirt I thought fit didn't.
But this one took, this weight loss took.
I mean this one took.
I mean I should probably go to a wedding.
Maybe I like it again.
Dude, you would love it.
Indian wedding is so fun.
Yeah, but then you look like a troll shit on you
because they throw the stuff at you, right?
Holy, that already happened, it's a holiday.
Oh, that happened? Indian weddings were just partying. We're getting drunk.
We're having fun.
OK, so if you get married, you're going to invite me.
I did get married. Oh, you're done.
If I had known you, I would have invited you.
Oh, that's nice. I didn't know you.
I'm not a bad bastard.
How long you been married?
I've been married two and a half years.
Oh, congratulations. Hey, thanks.
Are you in love? Yeah, I'm so.
You're so in love. Yeah. Best.
You have kids. I want to.
I love kids. But not now. I'm ready. If it happens, it happens. Really? Yeah have kids. I want to I love kids, but not now I'm ready if it happens it happens really yeah
I don't want to put a lot of pressure on my wife
So we're not like doing being super is your wife Indian to cheese Indian that was important to me
I was important to your mother. You know these comics is important
But you know these comics who like a hey white people and then they fuck them. Yeah, I didn't want to be that you
If I'm a hey white women, I'm a hey white women not to say there's not gorgeous white girls
But I can't be shitting on white women
and then having sex with them.
That's the loser shit.
Right, that's what black dudes do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And some woke brown comics.
The more woke you are,
the more you wanna fuck white people.
This is male, female, cross-egenders.
I always, I just didn't wanna be hypocritical at all.
And I always thought I wanna pass my culture on to my kids,
and the best way of doing that is
that they don't have an alternative. Right. Yeah. Do I want to pass my culture on to my kids and the best way of doing that is right They don't have an alternative, right? Yeah, do you go now? Do you go to church?
No, I don't I go to the temple if I go and I don't go enough my how long is church the Munder in a temple
It's a Munder. Yeah, man. Okay, and yeah, you just go it's pretty casual laid-back for Hindus
It's at least in North India where I'm from. Yeah, my wife
They call it the Gurdwara, which is the Sikh temple, and that's a much more structured thing.
She wants to go every week.
I don't necessarily, I'm traveling a lot.
But we went this Sunday, we'll go next Sunday.
You go, they feed you at the end.
How long, I like that.
Good, all you need.
You're gonna take your shoes off?
Yeah, shoes off.
Out in the front?
No, inside.
Inside.
There's a men's area and a women's area.
I like that.
And then the Hindu temple typically.
So you sit on either side?
Yeah.
Men have to sit together?
Yeah, we're just, I just had enough.
Oh.
I love my wife, but I want a little space.
I like that.
I usually go to, see, I'm Catholic.
You just go in.
A lot of kneeling.
That's tiring.
That, well, here's the thing with kneeling.
I like it.
You get a little break.
You pretend you're praying, but you're really not.
You know, and then you gotta go up for the body of Christ.
Yeah.
You get a body of Christ, a body of who? We just get, it's called Prasad. Prasad, I think they not, you know, and then you got to go up for the body of Christ. Yeah. You get a body of a body of who we just get, it's called Prasad. I think they say, but yeah,
it's just like, um, I don't know how to say it's like a sweet thing. And then at the end,
they feed you afterward also. So you have to hang out. So how long is the, how long is the service?
Depending on when you get there, a couple hours, a couple hours, but you get a meal.
You guys do everything too long. Well, how long is Catholic service? That's long.
45 minutes.
He comes in, does a couple things.
You get up, you kneel, and then he does the Body of Christ.
Hindu temple in and out.
No food necessarily.
You gotta pay for it, but Hindu temple in and out.
In and out, how long?
Five minutes if you want.
Really?
Yeah, you go, there's no service as far as I know.
They might do an arty at the end, which is,
that's a few minutes. That's one song. Hang on one second. Can you go yell at that guy? I mean, this is doing a podcast
I mean you have a real studio. You don't have this you guys don't have this soundproofed. No
This is this is a guy's apartment. This is no apartment when they restructure. Are they gonna soundproof?
I don't think you can on that. There's a fucking douche bag out front who left his stupid, I mean guys,
go fight somebody for me.
Go use your autism power.
How often does that happen?
All the time, all the time.
We do one during the day, it's usually trucks
backing up, delivering, beep, beep.
That's so funny.
Well yeah, I think that's good that you,
a lot of comics don't believe in anything. And I think that sucks.
It's the loser shit.
I just think that any religion,
I don't care what it is,
even if you have it in you,
that you're giving your kid,
and you have some moral compass,
right?
Where it's like, don't hurt people, be nice,
treat people the right way. If you don't have people, be nice, treat people the right way.
If you don't have that,
if you grew up without the moral compass,
I think you grew up a little fucked up.
I think you do.
You don't have that, you know,
I'm not saying that you have to go to church every week
or whatever, but I think you gotta have some type of,
like I pray, my kid sees me pray,
and he'll get down next to me and stop praying.
He has no idea what he's doing. How old is he? He's 10
But he has a moral compass. Yes, I got one of my best days in life when I saw him and we
You're the timing
Same guy
I'm praying I'm praying to my god right now. Whoa
Hang on. I'm praying. I'm praying. I'm praying to my God right now. Whoa. Look how fast that was. My God works. Yeah. My God works. My God is taking his time. I just be honest with you. Yeah. My God
works. I, cause I have other saints that can help me with stuff. You understand what I'm saying?
Yeah. We got different gods. If I lose stuff, I like Saint, what was it? Saint, uh, what was it?
Saint Anthony. If we lose something, you just go right to St. Anthony,
he'll find it within 30 minutes or less.
Probably stole it with his Italian motherfucker.
Easy with that.
My bad, my bad.
He's the guy who took it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's gonna charge you big to get it back.
Now, you got this thing with Schultz,
and now this thing takes off.
When you started it, did you know?
No. I knew I had chemistry with Andrew. That was now this thing takes off. When you started it, did you know?
I knew I had chemistry with Andrew.
That was all I knew.
I don't know much, but I just know I have chemistry
with somebody and Andrew and I have been good friends
for years and I remember he started a podcast
with Charlemagne, Brilliant Idiots in like 2012
or whatever it was.
And I remember I told him when he said,
I'm gonna start a podcast with Charlemagne,
I said, this is the only time I've ever been jealous of you.
And he had already done it, but I was like,
I just knew how good it would be.
And in the back of my mind, I didn't wanna say this out loud
because I didn't want him to feel obligated to do anything,
but it was like, I think if we had a podcast,
it could do really well.
And then 2016, 2017, we started talking about doing our own,
he started kind of wanting to do his own podcast as well.
He and I were talking and then we started 2017
and I thought it could be big enough,
but I had no idea what this thing was gonna become.
Right.
And again, I thought it could pay bills,
I thought it could pay well,
I thought it could help with my profile,
but it's become such a thing that I'm like,
this is wild, this is crazy.
Well, look, it's funny to me,
I knew Andrew way back in the day. Yeah. When he was, he worked- Dude, I remember look, you know, it's funny to me, I knew Andrew way back in the day.
Yeah.
When he was, he worked.
Dude, I remember a conversation you two had in 2008,
probably outside of the Village Lantern.
You didn't know me.
Yeah.
I just overheard y'all,
or I just saw y'all talking for like 90 seconds.
Yeah.
But you were telling him about some web series
he was doing, you were like, you were great in that.
I think it was a comic radio or something.
Well, I remember he came here, he finally got in here,
and you know, he's such a alpha.
He's an alpha guy, and he sat at the table,
and I think me and him would go toe to toe
every once in a while and smash each other.
But he always could take, he could take a pounding.
Even if you got him, he'd be like,
all right, you know what I mean?
And he could give it.
But then I saw him doing standup,
I started watching his clips, I'm like,
dude, you know, he's funny, man.
He's really turned a corner with his comedy.
And that's when I was like, man, you know,
I should call him up, I texted him one time,
I just saw a clip of you
and it really, it was really good, dude.
You turned, I love seeing when somebody gets it
and all of a sudden it's a different thing they're doing.
He definitely did that.
Now, and I saw what you guys were doing on the show
and it was just so unique and funny.
I love when you guys, all right, turn your phone sideways.
It was so annoying.
That was damn, to be honest with you,
I love to claim credit for that, but it was not.
But it was stupid, but it annoyed,
I go, dude, if you tell me to turn my phone sideways,
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
But it was so, you had to do it.
And then you went into this thing
and then I started watching the podcast a little bit
and the clips and it was,
I loved what he was doing.
And now the fact that he's, you know,
killing, you guys are killing it.
Yeah, you're killing it.
And now, but you, a lot of times,
you know, guys will be on that,
but you're actually taking that and doing your own thing,
which is a hard thing to do, because if you don't,
if you can't turn it, that can be a tough thing.
Yeah, I just always, I know my number one thing
in my life is stand up.
And so stand up, that's not a team sport.
The podcast is team sport, be a team player.
Stand up is, that's you up there,
and that's what I ultimately got into this thing for.
So the podcast is amazing and such a blessing,
but if I'm not constantly trying to feed stand up
and get better at stand up and take over stand up
for lack of a better word, what am I doing?
And that's one thing I definitely learned
from watching Andrew was what work ethic is.
Like I always was like, oh, I'm obsessive about comedy,
but I'm obsessive like I think about it a lot.
Being obsessive in action is different
than obsession in thought.
Obsessive in action is like, yo, everything I do
is constantly, how do I get there?
How do I be a better standup?
What takes me, everything I do pretty much?
Not like I'm some, whatever, I fuck around too,
but for the most part, it's all tunnel vision
toward this thing and everything is trying to go to that.
Yeah, I was that for so long, you know?
And I was just talking to therapy about this.
It's like 10 years ago when I had the kid,
I was like, I had to turn all that obsession
into the business, into like,
I didn't wanna fuck up being a dad.
So I had to turn it all into that.
And then I had to really turn up the therapy shit.
And I really had to get into like,
my family.
You know what I mean?
Like I moved out of the city, I moved up there.
And it was like, you know, I leave to go home.
My whole thing is I wanna get back to that house.
But now it's a weird thing because he's getting older,
and I know there's gonna be a point
where he's gonna be like, Dad, I'm going out.
I'm hanging out.
So I'm kinda getting to that point now
where it's like I'm kinda turning back into,
all right, I gotta get back into this game.
You played it perfectly, actually, as a dad.
That's the perfect way to do it.
What do you mean?
You spent formative years with your son.
You're very involved in his life.
You took a little step back from standup.
You're still in it, but you weren't as obsessive.
And now when he doesn't quite need you as much
in terms of time investment,
you're putting your time towards something else.
You're not sitting at home being like,
where the fuck is my son?
You're being very mature, I think, as a dad,
and being like okay, I want my son to have his independence
and I want to use this time to also kind of
rediscover the things that I loved,
and he knows I'm always gonna be there,
and I will always be there if, you know.
Well, it's funny too because even this weekend,
I brought him to Poughkeepsie Friday and Saturday night.
Yeah.
I was like, you can come with me.
So I mean, do you want to come Friday or Saturday? He goes both. both? That's awesome. So I took him up. Yeah, it's awesome. But Max and Joe
My kid my kids me yeah, he's 10
Same shoes. He's gonna be a kid's gonna be a monster. He's got his wife's
Blood in him. So he's gonna be like six something. He's a big kid, right? Wow. Yeah, he's a big kid
So he's up there with them and I'm like, a big kid, right? Wow. Yeah. He's a big kid.
So he's up there with them and I'm like, okay guys, I'm going to go on stage.
You watch him halfway through.
He's on stage.
He comes up on stage and me, I'm like, guys, guys, what are you doing?
And he's like, what's up?
I'm like, Joe, he goes, I tried.
I'm like, tried what?
You're an adult.
Tell him no.
He goes, I did. And then he, these
two fucking beta males. He's fucking. So the second show, I go, listen, don't, you gotta
watch him. Don't, don't let him, you know what I mean? Come in. I don't want him to
see my act. So halfway through the fuck like we're doing my thing
He actually made a disguise
Good sunglasses made a mustache. That's a door and sat second row for the rest of my show
And then at the end of the show he comes on stage with the disguise. I go Joe what the fuck he goes I tried
Tried what he's 10 you fucking pussies! What did you try?
What?
Oh, he's excited to get on mic.
I was like, hey Max, uh, you know, you probably shouldn't sit through these jokes, you know?
That's terrible.
Let's go play some chess.
That's terrible, dude. You're a grown ass man, he's 10 years old.
I tried to make activities for us to do, play games and stuff.
You ever tried just saying no?
Yeah.
Yeah, it didn't work.
Yeah, because you're a beta male.
Tell him you're gonna take his phone away.
Did you want me to tape him to the face?
Yeah, maybe fucking physically grab him
and go, I said no, you pussies.
You two assholes.
You didn't tell me I could physically touch him.
You can hit my kid.
I give you permission to fucking hit him.
That changes everything.
I mean, dude, first of all,
he's been studying with Igor Gracie for three years.
Don't hit him, because he'll choke you out.
Last thing I wanna do is see Joe Russell
passed out in the back, because my son tapped him.
He tried to leg sweep me.
I fucking love my kid.
Yeah?
I love it.
I love that he tried to leg sweep this fucking spaghetti.
I mean, what if he just got decked in the face?
Would you be like, that's what you can,
leg sweep a human being?
I fucking, God bless you, that's the boss in it.
Yeah, okay, fair enough.
Yeah, but it's funny that that's coming back into play now,
but I do, I see that with you guys,
that you're looking, man, you're on a mission to do this.
You got your special now, this special's with who?
Is this you just shot it?
Shot it myself, put it out myself.
Price picks, shouts, they helped me with like,
we did like a sponsorship.
And that's the only reason I could make my money back
on this, because YouTube doesn't pay like what it costs
to put out a special.
Right, yeah, I know.
So we're doing that, it's 1.5 million on YouTube.
I put it on X, it's at 1.6 there, which is cool.
But the YouTube views I was heavily focused on
and they're starting to plateau a bit in terms of growth
and I'm already just fucking sinking into depressive spirals
about how I pick it back up.
Don't, you should put it on,
you should throw it on PunchUp.live.
I do it on PunchUp.live.
You know why?
Because they-
Do they pay you?
No, they don't pay you.
But I'll tell you, they do pay you in a certain way
because you get emails.
Oh! So everybody that goes to watch it over there, you can add a little something extra But they do pay you in a certain way because you get emails. Oh.
So everybody that goes to watch it over there,
you can add a little something extra
or maybe a little part that you cut out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And people go over there and they just,
all you gotta do is give your email.
And then you see.
That's amazing, dude.
You must be getting like a dozen emails from this.
I got, actually 22.
No, I got thousands.
Really?
Dude, I took Killbox off of Lou Louis' site, put it on Punch Up.
Yeah.
I can now I got thousands of emails of fans.
That's amazing.
And instead of YouTube getting them, instead of Instagram getting them,
I know where they're from, their age, their gender.
I know, dude, I have fans in fucking Minneapolis.
I have Houston, Dallas, like places I've never been.
I got, I can see I have all these fans and I can, all right, I'm going to go there have Houston, Dallas, like places I've never been, I can see,
I have all these fans and I can,
all right, I'm gonna go there.
Then, here's the thing, I can send an email.
I can be like, look man, I'm coming out
and it goes right to their email and they show up.
So it's actually, for me, a cool place to,
because you get the data.
You get the data, you know that.
The data's big.
It's big, man.
But anyways, we got a little of your special.
Can we check that out?
Let's check it out.
Yeah, of course, dude, of course.
All right, here it is.
Ready, and it's on YouTube right now.
Yeah.
You want your headphones?
Yeah, put the headphones on.
The first minute might get flagged
because there is a song that is,
I had to get cleared or whatever.
Yeah.
So minute.
Leave it mute?
Maybe, yeah, the first minute is just a dance. Can you with the rap
song? Can we sing the song? I can't rap. It's a indie. It's an Indian dance over a hip hop song
from that Mexican OT who's a phenomenal rapper from Texas. But I'm from Texas and I'm Indian.
So I was like, and I filmed it in Houston. So like, yeah, this is, this is the move.
Can we play two seconds of it? No. Yeah, maybe.
You guys might have YouTube rules.
I mean, you could just play it and mute it.
I mean, yeah, it's almost over anyway, as they try to figure out the sound.
I played it for a sec.
But yeah, then, you know.
I thought you might have like a bit in mind that you wanted but you're just playing the full hour
18 that is probably one of the gayest things I've ever seen I
Mean what the fuck is going on?
Wow, that is the fucking just yay, no one told you that was gay. I mean, whoa, we we
Fuck man, we get it. You're Indian Just gay. No one told you that was gay. I mean, whoa-ee, wee-wee. What the fuck, man?
We get it, you're Indian.
What the fuck?
Oh my god!
Oh, that's so funny.
Oh my god.
Let me see, I want to see you walk out. What do you walk out?
Here we go.
There you go.
There you go.
Oh, all right.
Look at you, dude.
That's fucking great.
Now. Yeah. Wow.
There you go. All right.
Look at everybody standing.
Look at that, dude. Good for you.
Thank you, man. Thank you.
Wow. You look fantastic.
They loved the intro. That's why they stood.
Yeah, they should.
Was it Indian people?
Now, a lot of Indians, but not enough. I'm serious. I'm saying that. loved the intro that's why they stood yeah they sure was it Indian people now
do you a lot of Indians but not enough I'm serious I'm saying that somewhat
jokingly but there is a there's a weird thing with Indians where at some point
they kind of align and they go at least in America they're like oh that's our
guy okay and usually it takes other people validating you like if I had a
Netflix credit like a big Netflix credit yeah or like I remember Aziz and he didn't really fuck
with Aziz like that heavily but then when he did those late-night appearances
all of a sudden Indians in mass were going to issue right
Husson with the he had the nephew of the YouTube or the Netflix special then that
show on F and then all of a sudden Russell Peters thousand tickets on yeah
on now Russell kind of did
it organically, but since then, no, nobody has done it organically. Usually we need somebody
else to validate you and then we're like, Oh, you guys like them. Okay. We're in Netflix
says he's funny. Okay. We're in. And then you're out of here, but it weirdly takes,
that was the biggest risk. I thought putting it on YouTube is I might not get me the Indian
fans that I want because they need external validation. Really? I think that's a big reason we want degrees.
Like if you ask Indians, parents would you rather your son make a hundred and
thirty thousand dollars a year and be a Harvard graduate or a hundred and
eighty thousand dollars a year and be a four-year whatever? They'd be like
Harvard, not even a question. If you said two hundred thousand a year from a
community college they'd probably say a hundred thirty thousand from Harvard.
Because of the... Harvard, you're validated.
You're validated.
So, that's, yeah, so I have Indian fans for sure.
But there's a point, a tipping point,
where the shows will become very Indian,
like you will probably be uncomfortable,
and I will love that time.
Can I be honest with you, dude?
Yeah.
I got a lot of Indian fans from doing Louie.
Really?
When I was on Louie, yeah, the bang bang stuff.
Yeah, I mean those were great scenes.
I had so many Indian fans from that show. A lot of Indian people liked Louie. When I was on Louie, yeah, the bang bang stuff. Yeah, I mean those were great scenes. I had so many Indian fans from that show.
A lot of Indian people liked Louie's show.
And I love Indian.
Great audiences.
We're not easily offended.
No, they're not offended.
They love to laugh.
They're fucking smart.
I love, I mean, you know, I always said this,
you need a people.
If you can get a people, you know, I mean, said this you need a people yeah, if you can get a people yeah
You know I mean, I don't have a people like I'm not Italian enough to go
You know I'm not I'm not white enough to be like you know
Are you full white? An Irish guy.
That sounds like you called me the N word right there.
Is that what Indian people call you full white?
No, you look mixed because you're too marked.
I'm Irish Italian.
Irish Italian.
So the mix don't fight.
There's no mix.
That's a strong mix.
Controversial mix.
I mean the mix. Irish and Italian are not supposed to fuck each other right no they fuck a lot oh
in Boston that's usually what fucks Wow oh yeah and the Italians I don't have
the Italians I don't have the mix the whites you know the white I don't have a
people yeah like I want a people yeah I just don't know who to go after yeah you
know like I wish I had that thing that I could,
this is what I'm gonna do, but I don't.
I guess if it's anything, it's Blue Collar.
If you see my show, it's just me.
Yeah, that's fire.
Blue Collar's fire, actually.
Fun audiences.
Blue Collar's the best.
Yeah, I love looking out and just seeing a guy
in a dirty fucking plumbing hoodie from his company. His Union hat on. Yeah, his, I love looking out and just seeing a guy in a dirty fucking plumbing hoodie from his company Union hat on
Yeah, his just tired wife
He loves you. Yeah, yeah, you want a picture now take it for him
But yeah, I guess and it's weird because I now that like I'm doing the bonfire with Jay
I have these younger fans that are coming out from that, which I love.
I love seeing a bunch of dudes.
But my fans, I have like this swath of fans.
Because dude, I came up with Dane.
Yeah.
You know, and Dane was, I mean, Dane was doing it.
Shout out to that dude.
He was doing what everybody's doing now back in 2006.
That guy was a visionary.
2007, 2008, this kid was, I remember, you know.
So it's weird, like that was the time when it was like,
okay, here's your, this would be,
like if podcasting was big back in that time,
like MySpace was big.
Social media. Because of him.
Well, yeah.
Media-wise, yeah.
I think so, yeah, I think he was, he was, as comedian wise,
everybody kind of followed his lead on that shit.
But yeah, I mean, if social media was what it was now,
back then, if podcasting was out back then like it is now,
oh my God, me and Dane doing a podcast from a Su-Fi podcast,
that would suck, because I'd probably have a Su-Fi tattoo
on me right now.
On my tits, you know what I mean? Dude, you gotta get it. A Su-Fi podcast that would suck because I'd probably have a Su-Fi tattoo on me right now
On my tits. You know I mean dude you got to get it
It would it was uh Yeah, but he was I remember dude, you know flying g5s and
Nobody was doing that shit. He I mean we're on the buses and we're doing a really fucking rockstar before anybody was doing it
I was well
I was listening to an old clip of his recently, like four days ago, and I was like,
oh, I think now I get what he was doing.
It was Seinfeld with very,
it was like insane performance level.
Like nobody, the minutiae type of comedy
was typically done like not theatrically.
And then he added theatrics to that kind of like
smart everyday humor it seemed like.
And I was like, oh.
And he's good looking.
He was a theater queer.
Oh really?
Well he was, yeah, he was in high school,
he was theater, you know, Grease, Kinnicky, all that shit.
So he mixed standup with performance.
And he created, I think he created a style of comedy.
That's what Burt says, yeah.
Yeah, that he, that people, you know,
I think a lot of those guys back then,
you know, Patrice, Billy, me, we all had our own silhouette
of what we did on stage.
And then I think comedy now
is variations of that.
You know, where it's hard to stand out now.
So if you do, if you have your thing,
it's pretty goddamn big that you pushed through that
and silhouetted yourself on that.
But dang, yeah, I remember doing those tours
and I mean, dude, just crazy shit.
And like I said, there was a time where it was like,
all right, do I keep doing this or do I go
and try to get a family?
And I went and tried to get a family
and all of a sudden this shit blew up.
And now it's just, podcasting is, I mean, it's crazy.
I mean, there's regular people that have podcasts.
So many losers have podcasts, it's unbelievable.
Yeah, I mean, and it's sad because some of them
are interesting, but there's so much, you know.
It's nonsense, yeah.
Do you think that podcasting, it's kind of,
like people are starting to.
I think a lot of the smaller podcasts will kind of disappear.
You think so? Yeah, I mean, it's a big undertaking. are... I think a lot of the smaller podcasts will kind of disappear. You think so?
Yeah, I mean, it's a big undertaking.
Like you do a lot for this, I'm assuming.
Playground is a massive thing.
Even the idea of starting another pod on my own
is like, are you fucking kidding me?
It's another thing.
I mean, I'm on Bone to Pick with Verzi, I do the regs now.
Oh yeah, Bone to Pick with you and Albinaise studio,
Mike Albinaise is the best.
Mike Albinaise, yeah, he's our producer.any's, yeah, love, he's our producer.
He's the best.
Oh, he's great on the show too,
he's such a part of the thing, you know,
which I love when that organically happened
that he just became the third guy on the show
instead of just being back there, yeah.
No, I love doing that show with him.
Verzy's the best.
Yeah, sweetest guy.
He's a great guy, I mean, not the best,
but he's, no, I'm kidding, he's.
What the fuck you mean, dude, what the fuck was that?
Um, oh, you the fuck was that?
Um, uh, oh, you're one of those. All right. Relax. Fersey. Um, yeah.
But podcasting is, I feel like now it's like hit its limit.
Like what new, what, what, what does no, there's nothing new anymore.
Yeah, there's not. Right. Yeah. I mean, what's out there is what's out there.
And, you know.
There'll be some new ones that pop up,
it won't be, the bubble is kind of,
the run is over of new hotspots, I think.
Some shit will get through for sure,
but I think it hit its kind of apex in terms of like,
its peak.
It's apex, yeah, I wonder what the next thing's gonna be.
I wonder what that thing is gonna be in comedy.
Because comics, I mean, bro, listen, man,
more comics are playing in the garden.
I mean, it's like music.
I think the industry would place music
with stand-up, with stand-up,
because, I mean, it's one dude, two dudes, three dudes.
You don't need a whole fucking band.
You don't need a lighting, you need a microphone.
You need a stage.
Here's what I'll also say.
We're never gonna be as cool as musicians,
but going to a concert is almost never as good
as listening to the album.
Going to a comedy show is almost always better
than watching it online.
100%.
So that is definitely in our favor.
And music will, comedy will never penetrate your soul
the way music will.
Like music, it's like, I've heard, maybe as Andrew said,
it's like a virus where it just like takes over.
You can't stop it.
It's your whole, it's all you think about that song
stuck in your head all day.
Comedy will never be that,
but it will always be better live than it will on TV,
and music is almost always the opposite.
Very few people go, oh, guys, concert is better
than his album, or whatever they're calling it now.
Yeah, 100%.
And I think, like I say, come see me live.
You can watch my special. Just come to like I say, come see me live. Yeah. You can watch my special.
Just come to my fucking show.
Come see me live.
You know, the energy in a room is totally different
than watching, you watch my special,
but it's something, I don't know, it's weird.
It doesn't translate as much as it does
when you're in that room.
Us sharing that energy, and comedy clubs in particular,
and I've never headlined a theater,
but when you can see the guy, when we all feel the guy
in the small space that I'm talking to,
crowd work wise especially, it's just the fuck,
there's a tension there that we all feel that we all share.
In a theater, the room can get so big,
that tension's not really there.
Like doing crowd work, if I'm doing MSG,
God willing one day I'll headline MSG,
but if I'm doing crowd work with someone there,
there's no real tension from the guy in the upper deck
looking at this guy.
But in a company firm.
Is that your goal to do like big?
Yeah, I wanna be the best ever.
And that was something I was really uncomfortable saying
for a long time, probably two, three years ago.
That made me uncomfortable.
Yeah.
I wanna be-
I'm doing it too.
Yeah.
Yeah, everybody.
It's really vulnerable to say out,
cause you might fail.
You're putting something out there
that's incredibly hard to do, possibly impossible.
Because like, who's the best ever?
We're all gonna have our own answers.
See, I would say Patrice or Chappelle.
That'd be mine.
Patrice is dead.
Patrice is dead.
So you can't really.
The greatest ever.
No, Patrice.
It's Chappelle.
I love every time somebody brings Patrice in,
he's dead.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let it go. That, but he's dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let it go.
That was always Andrew's die.
I know, but that'd be funny if Patrice, if he did live and his next album sucked.
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that's the thing, Mr. P, you're listening to that album and you're like, oh, he's still
getting better, which is insane.
I tell you, man, I brought out, they had the Kings of Comedy on in my cigar line, just said
this before, and I was like, all right.
I go, put on Patrice, whole room a white fucking
blue collar dude smoking cigars.
Losing it.
Losing it, seconds in, just losing it.
Yeah, it's like, that's his hat right there.
Oh wow, that's amazing.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
Yeah, that's his hat, he wore that hat.
Yeah, but to say I wanna be the greatest ever,
we all kind of secretly want it,
but saying it out loud puts it out there,
this thing that I'm probably gonna fail at,
but you gotta be okay with being like,
yeah, that's cool, y'all think I fail,
but if I go for that and I land anywhere near it,
I'm gonna die very happily.
I don't know, I just, I look at comedy
like I just wanna be good, I wanna be great.
I wanna be, you know, when I'm brought up,
oh, Bobby's fucking great.
I'm cool, you know, because, you know, like, I look,
do I want to play MSG?
Do I want to have to go on a tour and do a bunch of shit?
I don't know.
I mean, I don't know if I'm, I love, you know,
I like doing stand-up, I love doing theaters.
I'm not saying, I don you know, I like doing stand-up, I love doing theaters, I'm not saying...
I don't know, I'm...
Like that thing that maybe I had back when Dane was doing, like I'll be here someday.
Yeah.
I don't know if that's in me anymore.
That's probably having a family change that for you.
I'll tell you what grew it for me.
I didn't headline, I didn't have an agent until 2019 2019 and I started comedy in 2007. Yeah.
And I would only do these 15 minute spots. I never got the industry heat. I never had anything. I was
on a couple shows on MTV. Still agents would look at me and be like, nah, I don't for whatever reason.
Yep. Any showcase I did, nah, never went far. And so I would only get 15 minute spots in the city
whenever I got them. I wasn't at the cellar. I wasn't, and I would look at guys and I'd be like,
dude, I don't know if I can do what they can do.
And then when I finally got to start headlining
and doing hours, the growth I felt, I was like,
oh, it's not a matter of if I can,
and even after COVID, oh, 2021 is when I finally
really got out on the road.
And I'm 14 years deep at that point.
I'm growing so much doing five 45 minute sets a night.
And I'm like, oh, those guys that I thought,
I don't know if I can do what they can it wasn't a matter of talent it was a
matter of reps and now I felt like I'm all of a sudden that guy seems
catchable and then in my mind I'm like I think I think I got there and I think I
keep going and keep going and now that I've grown so much in the past two plus
years now nothing seems impossible to me now it's all it's all attainable well
here's the thing I mean, I believe in positive thinking.
I believe in affirmations.
I believe in all that manifestation and stuff like that.
I really do.
If there's anything I believe in, I believe in that stuff.
But I know that if I'm such an emotional,
I remember the first time I headlined a theater in Boston
and it was the Wilbur. And it was the first time I headlined a theater in Boston. And it was the Wilbur.
And it was the first time that I did that theater
and I sold it out.
And I came out and I did my show and I killed.
And at the end of it, I got all emotional.
And I was like, you know,
I just wanna thank everybody for coming here
and I wanna let you guys know how much this means to
me and I heard a dude in the crowd go oh god I was thank you good night I was
like okay it was like you had fucking loser effect you yep I did I know we
all do that but he was a loser yeah he was a fucking that was their full-blown
that was my uncle yeah big loser. I was a family member
Right. Well, it did it just it just you know what I mean? It was like, okay
Fucking relax. Yeah, fuck that guy for in his mouth
I know but I wasn't getting a little it was the Wilbur wasn't the garden
Son the Wilbur all I'm not from Boston and I would hear so-and-so headline in the Wilbur
I almost cried when I looked up.
I remember the day before we'd go there for like,
let's just see how this is gonna go.
I had another dance intro that night, but.
You did?
Yeah, yeah.
Why?
Because it's the Wilbur.
You brought dancers?
No, there's some people from Boston hit me up
and they're like, hey, we would love to do a thing.
And I was like, let's do it, let's line it up.
So was it Indian dancers?
Of course, dude.
You gotta do that. You can't have like always got
to rep my set dude you know I mean yeah I got to rep my set but I remember the
day before I'm looking up I'm just like yo this is the fucking Wilbur I remember
so-and-so headline in the Wilbur so-and-so like all these people I'm like
yo I want to get there one day and I got there that's an impressive fucking
amazing thing so so the what yeah you didn't have the, you couldn't have the fly
girls come out. You have to have indie. So is it that long to think of fly girls? No,
I'm just thinking that you can't ever like the dancing thing, right? Yeah. See, I give
you credit because if I ever had dancers in front of me, like, like Irish dancers, they'd
be like, they'd be like, what the fuck is-a-tee-a-tee-a-tee-a-tee-a-tee-a-tee-a-tee-a-tee-a-tee-a-tee-a-tee-a-tee. They'd be like, what the fuck is this asshole doing?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, but you're not the Irish, if you were the Irish comic, that shit would be flames.
I know, I don't have a people.
I know, dude.
You need a people.
If you got a people, that's yours.
Can I have, would they do it for me, the Indian dancers?
Yeah, absolutely.
Really?
I could make that happen.
I would love my next special to, I'm going to, could I steal that?
Thousand percent, yeah. I'm fucking stealing it. You just need to do it at the Wilbur and at the end
be like, guys, I'm headlining the Wilbur. It means so much to me. You need to do that
exact same speech the same, the same way. I'm going to finish it and then they're going
to come out and then I want them to throw all that. Holy yeah. Holy powder. Yeah. Holy
powder on me. I just want to look like a troll fucking just me. Yeah, we can do whole thing. Oh, that'd be fantastic easy text message. Listen to me right now
I talk about it all the time people get sick of me guys. It's time to get the best t-shirt
I'm wearing it right now. I'm wearing the underwear. I'm usually full true classics the t-shirt
I'm telling you right now,
not everybody has a Brad Pitt Fight Club body.
Most of us are just regular dudes,
but here's the thing with this.
I don't know why they figured it out
and other people haven't.
It's the best t-shirt ever made.
It's tight up top and it has a little loose down the bottom
so when you raise your hand up or you go to pick something up
or you're in the Walmart or wherever,
your stomach and your side fat doesn't hang out
and it's not sticking to you.
See, oh, I remember my old t-shirts.
You could see my belly button hernia through them.
It was disgusting.
True classics has figured it out.
All their shirts are made to accentuate
the places the eye goes to first.
Tighter in the arms and chest,
but with the perfect amount of room in your midsection.
The best part is that True Classics
sells their premium products in packs to help you save.
Get started with a two or three pack of t-shirts today
and feel the difference for yourself.
I wear them all the time.
They have active wear.
I have the hoodies, the sweatpants, the workout gear.
A lot of times I'm in full True Classics head to toe.
If they made a sneaker, I'd wear it.
If they made socks, I'd wear it.
That's the only thing.
No matter what your schedule,
you wanna feel and look your best.
This is what you got to do true classics even has a hundred percent perfect fit guarantee. Did you hear what I said?
100% perfect fit guarantee and super easy to return. Okay, so you got nothing to lose
So if you're ready to upgrade your closet shop now with my exclusive link at trueclassic.com slash dude,
D-U-D-E, and save up to 25% off your first order.
Please support the show and tell them we sent ya.
No matter how you move,
make 2024 your most comfortable year yet with True Classics.
Trueclassics.com slash dude.
Yeah, well, you know, it's like,
I always think of specials too.
Where did you film your special?
Houston, Texas, White Oak Music Hall.
White Oak Music Hall.
Now, does that mean something
or is it just the place you wanted to, why Houston?
No, I was trying to get a,
Texas I knew I wanted to do.
Houston, I had not done this material yet.
It was one of the markets.
And I was trying to find a space that worked and Mo Amer filmed his special there and his sound
guy does sound for flagrant, really his sound guy for that special. And he was like, you
know, this, this place is good acoustically. So I looked at it. And then when we went there,
there was just like lighting wise, anything we want to do, we could do. It's a great space.
The owners were cool as fuck. Shouts to Juggies. So Indian guy. So like it all kind of lined
up and also getting a venue is,
when you're doing all this on your own,
you have no idea what a pain in the ass
every single step is, until you do it.
But getting a venue that wasn't too big,
wasn't too small, would accommodate everything,
had the lighting structure we needed,
all that setup we needed, it was just like a lot.
Did Andrew help you at all?
He would give me advice,
but I tried not to bother him too much,
because I knew he was, you know,
at the time I'm pretty sure I knew his wife was pregnant. So it was like, let me advice, but I try not to bother him too much, because I knew he was, you know, at the time, I'm pretty sure I knew his wife was pregnant.
So it was like, let me not, and he did so much for me.
I'm like, I try not to bother him with stuff
that I think I can handle on my own.
Tell you what, he is that guy.
Like, even my special, he would...
He loves helping.
He does.
He helped me out with the videos and how to do it.
And he doesn't get enough credit for that.
Like, a lot of people, I've seen people he helped
shout out other people on pods and I'm like,
what the fuck is that dude?
Really?
Why would you not be, yeah.
His special, they're going on that show with you guys,
I believe, you know, that was before Rogan and Sigoura
and I did all the big shows.
Your show, I think was the one
that really put my special over.
That's awesome.
And kind of paid for it. I think we paid my special over. That's awesome. And kind of paid for it.
I think we paid for the special.
That's awesome.
In the first week that, you know, that was the one thing
is like, Louis put all the money up for it.
And, you know, he had come to me at the cellar,
like I think three weeks before, and was like,
you know, we could do it at the village underground
for like 12 grand.
Yeah. And I was like, dude, I didn could do it at the Village Underground for like 12 grand. Yeah.
And I was like, dude, I didn't, I don't want it.
I want my special.
To me, when I did my special, like when I did, when I did Village Underground, the Village
Underground meant something to me.
I wanted to be the first guy to shoot a special at the cellar.
And you know, live from the Village Underground,
I always remember like Zach Galifianakis
from the Purple Onion.
It was like that thing where the place was
part of the special.
And shooting this next thing,
I was like, Louis, it needs to be different.
It needs, I'm thinking Elvis' comeback special.
I'm thinking in that little box, I want it to be,
I want to replicate a little fucking kill box.
I was like, I don't care if you're using iPhones,
save whatever money you have,
just as long as you're doing it.
And he literally went, then we're doing it there.
Like he was like, whatever, that's cool,
we're doing it there.
And he spent a lot of money.
It's shocking how much it can cost.
And I was like, fuck.
If I don't make this money back for him,
it's gonna be a thing.
And I remember the first week, he was like,
yeah, we paid for the special already.
I was like, ooh, thank you so much.
Because that's all I wanted to do, is pay him back.
And of course, later on, get check. Yeah. Which was nice too. Um, but yeah, that was, that, that type of, um,
you know, putting, you know, even you doing the dances, how I said it was silly, but yeah,
it's your vision of what it's going to be, which is important, I think, to anyone. And that's one
thing I learned from Andrew about just, I remember he did hall 2019 2018 something like that, but he had like this very choreo lighting choreographed intro with
I got Michael buble buble song or something New York some New York song
Yeah, but I saw him for hours before the show getting the lighting right they still fucked it up these union guys
They're probably going to your show later, but I
Remember being like oh, it's always a moment.
It's always a moment if you want it to be.
This is a performance and they should walk out feeling like
I got more than just a comedy show.
So with the special that was just,
it was like not even a question.
We're gonna do something to, I use the term elevate a lot.
It probably drives everybody that works with me crazy,
but let's elevate it somehow.
How can we elevate it?
Oh, the dance, that's elevating it a bit
from just a regular comedy special.
Right away, you know this is a little bigger
than a comedy special or a normal comedy special.
Yep, there's something different than just,
hey, what's up?
Yeah, like, dude, my special was,
I think we talked about it, like,
as they were calling me out, some lady ran by
who had to take a piss.
Sorry.
Wasn't it like a medical event?
Some lady almost died.
I mean 20 minutes into the first show,
we had two sets.
20 minutes into the first one,
I look down and this lady's going like this.
And then she fell into her house.
And then I just hear,
Bobby!
Bob!
Help!
And I was like, I'm in a bit.
I'm like, what?
And it help her.
And I'm like, ah.
Here's my water.
Yeah, that's what the fuck you want me to do.
Dude, they fucking, dude, I mean, let me tell you something.
The place shut down, the lights went up,
chairs were being thrown onto the stage.
I remember just being off stage by the door,
just be like, it's ruined.
Yeah, of course.
And they're dragging this lady out.
And then as soon as they drag her by Louie, he went, OK, we're good.
And he was like, as soon as she's gone, let's go.
Yeah, what happened to her, this selfish bitch?
I think she got, it was so,
the thing that we didn't take into account
is we shot our special in the summer.
Heat.
In Tampa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we didn't, and they tried to do the best they could.
Right.
We had 400 people in there, but you know,
so it was a little, if I ever shot a special
in Tampa again, do it in January.
Yeah.
Don't do it in fucking June.
Yeah, yeah, 1,000%.
Or whenever we've, because it was too hot. Dude, people lined up, I didn't think about this, September we filmed a it in January. Yeah. Don't do it in fucking June. Yeah, 1000%. Whenever we've, because it was too hot.
Dude, people lined up, I didn't think about this,
September we filmed a special in Houston.
People lined up, and I didn't do a signed seating,
it's first come first serve, so people lined up
five hours early just waiting in the sun baking.
So I was out there and I was like,
yo, the energy seems a little low,
and one, like the show that was Saturday,
that I thought would be the best show, Saturday at seven,
people have been there since 2 p.m., noon, whatever. They're tired.
Tired.
I didn't think about that at all.
No. You got to make them cold.
Yeah.
Get it going.
Yep.
And yeah, this lady passed out and it was like, wow, this is a fucking...
Full blown nightmare.
Yeah. Here's the thing though, like, Louis walked in. I remember I got on stage and everybody
did all their stuff and it was all Louis' top people and, you know, the stuff people that shot his special and I walked I was like this is it this
is great Louie walked in yeah looked at everything goes change this do that this
is wrong put this over here we need 60 more people fill it he like he's so good
yeah at directing yeah and I was like oh god man thank god yeah if it wasn't I mean if it was any I would be like this is fine
Yeah, and it wouldn't have been yeah what it was, but he having him do it was I can't it's
probably
means more to me than anything else. Yeah, because
He he was like you should have a special and I thought that was fantastic
So here's another thing you were on too, you were on Wiling Out.
What the fuck, who were you on with?
Carlos Miller, Chico Bean, like a lot of these guys
who were so huge now.
I was, DC Young Fly and I, I was on two seasons,
but by the second season I was kind of not into
the whole thing.
The thing that I didn't love about the show
was like for four weeks they'll do this like boot camp
where you go every day for eight hours a day
and they just fucking drill you to death.
And the thing I-
They want me to drill you with what?
Yo, hey, play this game.
Sing a song, you gotta do this song about this.
Here's the topic, all of y'all go.
You'll divide us into four groups or whatever.
And the thing that really, that is all like sucks,
but it's work fine.
But the thing that annoys me, annoyed me
and still annoys me is the way they would like kind of,
the guy who ran it, he really enjoyed the power
of like deciding how many episodes everybody got.
And he would say shit like,
hey, everybody lined up to play this game.
And then people would be talking and he'd be like,
I guess some of y'all don't want episodes.
I guess some of y'all don't wanna be on episode.
And I'm just like, I'm a fucking 30 year old man.
Who's the white guy?
No, black dude.
I know.
Big black dude. I know, black dude I know y'all y'all
Was also like he's a big guy why does he have his little Napoleon complex when he's got some power you're a big fucking guy
You shouldn't be so insecure
Yeah
but he would I just hated lording that over my head and that whole like four weeks of just like
Constantly fucking with your confidence and all that like I'm a stand-, let me go, when the lights are on I'll be fine.
Trust me.
But it was just that whole mind fuck,
I didn't wanna do it.
In the second season I was like,
look I'm not doing that workshop.
Y'all can have me back.
And then the guy was pretty offended by that,
so he put me on one episode and then they cut my joke.
It might not have been a good joke,
but I know I was only on one episode
because I refused to do that.
And then that was kind of the end of it for me.
That stinks.
Yeah, I also didn't know how to finesse it.
I thought you're getting paid like $1,000 an episode
or whatever, it's like dog shit money.
But the way to finesse it is then you go to these colleges,
you go to these PA, whatever, personal appearance gigs
or whatever, and get social media following out of it
and that's how you can work it.
And I didn't know that.
So it was something I didn't love.
I really didn't enjoy the filming, like the process of it. And I didn't know how to finesse it. So for me, it was like, it's not worth it.
Well, what's the guy who runs it? What's his name?
Nick Cannon.
Nick Cannon.
Yeah. He's a smart fucking guy.
Really?
Yeah. I mean, he's, he's a sharp guy. He's a businessman.
He had no shit.
Even him.
I don't know if he is. He bought Radio Shack.
Did he really?
Yo, look up Nick Cannon's net worth. I bet you'd be shocked how high it is.
I don't believe that, but he did buy Radio Shack right at the tail end when they had
just cords.
How much did he pay for it?
I don't know, but he bought Radio Shack.
That's hilarious.
I remember I was like, why the fuck is he buying Radio Shack?
Yeah, that's insane.
Yeah, dude, you don't buy something with the word shack in it.
You know what I mean?
$50 million.
How much?
That's his net worth?
$50 million.
I thought it'd be worth more than that. Yeah, I'm kind of disappointed in that number. Look at me. I'm a thousand Aaron. I'm not a lot
I'm disappointed that number too. Yeah, yeah, dude. I thought it was gonna be like a hundred and I thought hundreds of millions
Yeah, yeah, well, you don't know shit. Well, he bought Radio Shack. Maybe he took a hit
Hey, but fucking Radio Shack
Radio Shack was the shit at one point and then at the end when he bought it he was like
Honestly, I grew up in the 90s and it wasn't cool for me toward the tail end of the 90s
I was like this place sucks. Yeah radio. Shack's best buy once best buy was around who needed radio
Yeah radio. It felt like a shack you get the same shit at CVS. Yeah
100% except without the attitude. Yeah some some fucking nerd what career do you need fuck up the Radio Shack was cool like it had like
four cool things and then wires for nerds yeah yeah you want a CPU no I want
a bad purchase Nick that was a bad purchase um well he also didn't he was
he fucks everybody he fucked everyone everyone. He fucked really? He fucked every hot girl you could name.
Oh no, that's what I was going to say.
Well, what are you interested in?
That's funny.
America's Got Talent?
I was going to bring that up.
But he fucked everybody.
He fucked everybody.
Yeah, man.
He fucked in Cartagena, he fucked all of them.
No shit. Even with the turban?
I think he's still getting... He's got like nine kids post urban now
Crazy did the turban fuck you up Is that like a my wife saw some clips of his and this is more of a sensitive issue for her cuz I'm Hindu
She's Sikh see can that's a thing. Yeah, but she was like I listened to him talk about it
He actually did he knows what he's saying. He's not just like talking out of his ass. Can you just wear a turban?
Yeah, I guess I mean I guess yeah. Yeah anybody black. Yeah. Well, I can't wear a turban. You might. We might think it's a little
weird, but yeah, you could. You could. I wore a turban. Honestly, you look like a genie.
Adorable. I look, people would ask me for a wish. You guys know the black guy in Dragon
Ball Z. That's what he would look like with a turban, but white. That's the nerdiest joke
I've ever heard. I love it. I got to look that now. What was his name? Bring him up. I wanna see what he looks like.
Mr. Popo.
Mr. Popo. That's Robert Kelly with a turban.
That's me in blackface, dude. You're gonna get me canceled, dude.
That's running for Canadian Prime Minister and you wanted to...
I'm gonna look like that. I'm gonna do that on my next special.
That's hilarious. Yeah, that's weird. I didn't know you guys had to do all that shit.
I thought you just rolled out and did...
It drill you to death. And I get that it's high stakes for them, but I felt like they weren't just doing it because it was high stakes.
Really?
I felt like it was more of like a... almost like a mind fuck. Like on purpose.
And kind of getting off on like, A, we're going to hold this over your head and see how many episodes we give you based on whatever arbitrary metric.
I'm like, I want you to do this.
How powerful do I feel?
I don't know, it's kind of, it's, you know,
I guess we're, like I started an improv.
Oh, really, you were gay.
Yeah, I was gay.
Yeah, you're gonna talk about my dance
and you're an improv kid.
You flaming homosexual.
Why dance when you're an improv kid? You flaming homosexual.
Hey, hey, hey Robert, zip!
Zop, zap!
You abject queer.
As a...
First of all, don't do smart gay smashing on me. Don't use the word abject.
It's fucked up.
I really, when it came out of my mouth, I really, I, it was very gay.
We used to rehearse five nights a week.
Oh my God, dude at the pit or what?
No, in Boston.
Like a fucking, like a school, like a high school gym.
But you're like, you had a tough childhood.
Weren't you looking at these guys like they were awful?
Like you're not from that.
You're not that.
No, I wasn't.
No, I wasn't.
I was from a different type of, I think even though, even when I was hanging out with those
really tough kids, I was never tough.
People think, you know. I was never tough. Like people think, you know, oh, you, I, I, I was never tough. I was, I was in with tough, tough guys from Boston. You know, I hung out with a lot of tough people, but I was never tough. I, I became, I became tough, but not really. I was always just, I just always wanted to be silly. Yeah.
Really? I was always just I just always wanted to be silly. Yeah, even when I got arrested and went to jail I was always making people laugh. I wasn't the guy, you know, fuck you and fuck that and yeah
Yeah, I never had that really in me
I just it was it was I kind of had to live that life with them because I was with like they would beat people up
And I would feel bad. Yeah, like I'm in one time like we were hanging out
Some of it was the next town over,
which was all Irish, trash Irish.
Now, Somerville is like, it's like Brooklyn now.
But back when I grew up, it was a violent town.
Somerville projects, the Somerville, the parks,
we used to hang out in parks,
and I hung out at the Italian Park over in South Medford,
and we would venture over to Somerville.
I remember one day we went over there,
and there was these Somerville kids playing wiffle ball.
And we went over, and usually we would fuck,
fuck you, and we'd be fighting.
But all of a sudden, we started playing wiffle ball,
like the kids I hung out with,
hey, wanna play?
So we're playing this great game, and I was so happy.
And so me and this other kid from Somerville,
we're like, hey man, we're gonna go get some snacks.
So me and this kid walked over to the store,
we got chips and some soda,
and we were talking, it was just kinda cool.
Like I made a new friend,
and as we're walking back with like a bag of goodies,
I come back and one of the kids from Somerville's radio,
they had a radio radio those big boom boxes
Yeah, I just remember seeing as we would turn the corner hit the radio the kids radio was flying
And it just hit the kid. I was within the head and
And I just looked it. I looked over they were all fighting
My friend was smashing a guy with his wiffle ball bat
My other friend was punching a kid and then I I looked at him, and we just dropped the snacks
and started fighting.
That's hysterical.
It was fucking, I was like,
eh, sorry, dude, we were friends.
Did you win?
We were friends for like a minute.
No, I didn't win, I didn't lose, but I didn't win.
We were kind of just throwing punches.
Oh, that's sad.
I remember that I was so excited about the chips.
I remember the chips got smashed.
Even back then, I was fat inside.
Yeah, but I didn't want to.
I was like, I wanted to.
So you thought improv,
like this would be like your gay home.
I think I got, you know, I got an improv, I'll tell you.
I went to community college and I was going for art.
You got to do it sitting like this, probably.
And I took a, I can't sit like that.
Fucking gay.
We're just two gay guys.
You have a flowered shirt.
You wanna be gay?
Yeah, dude, you got it.
Look at that.
I took an acting class and they did improv for,
for an elective or some shit.
So then we did, they had a talent show,
and we were like, let's do improv in the talent show.
And that's when we, my friend Al, who was friends with Dane,
I have a friend, and he brought Dane down.
And we were auditioning people to be in our group.
Wow.
And Dane came in and just fucking killed it.
And I was like, him.
Yeah.
And it was me, that's when me and Dane
first became friends.
So you're like decades deep with Dane.
I mean, we were, we were a little, yeah.
I mean we were thick as thieves.
We literally probably saw each other every day for years.
Wow.
Trying to do, I mean trying to make it.
Yeah.
Trying to get the fuck out of Beantown.
Right, yeah.
And then we did it and then he kind of popped.
Yeah.
And the group ended.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fucking dumped us.
I remember the day he said we both said we had a gig as the improv group
and he got a gig himself but it was the same money.
And I was like, that's it, it's over.
Yeah, it's over.
And then he skyrocketed to fame
and I slowly have been fucking following him
at a steady pace like this.
As long as you're climbing.
I think it is, man, as long as you're, I mean, here's what it is. As long as you're climbing. I think it is, man, as long as you're,
I mean, here's what it is.
As long as you're happy, right?
Yeah.
I think being happy, truly happy with,
if you look around, man, people think that, you know,
you gotta become,
there's a lot of, I mean, you look at like the people,
like I make a great living doing stand-up comic.
Be doing stand-up, doing pop, whatever I do. Make a great living at people like I make a great living doing stand-up comic be doing stand-up doing pop
Whatever I do make a great living at it. I make doctor money. Yeah, good doctor. Yeah. Yeah, I mean really good doctor money
Doing this, you know
But you know, this guy's in a multi millionaires. Yeah
But it's all relative. Yeah, because when you're when you have that you also have those bills
Yeah, you know, I also have those bills. Yeah.
You know?
I have a fucking house.
I got a couple cars.
It's the same shit.
Yeah.
You know?
Um, I don't know.
I don't know if, uh, you know, you know, not to say that I would fucking turn it down.
That's why I get mad at people who get like mad at Matt Reif.
It's like, what do you want them to say no? Yeah. You want them to say no? No,
I'm not ready yet. Fuck it. Go do your thing. Put your little fucking theater
mic on. I'm not talking about gay. I mean, I'd rather have dancers. I'm kidding. God
bless the kid. God bless him. It's just a TED talk Mike. It's a TED talk Mike
You know what fuck it dude do what you do
You make fifty million dollars that ever you're making God bless you use on one sweet kid great really great kid
Yeah, I mean bless make your money. That's all that matters to me. Really? Yeah, is he funny? I don't give a fuck
Is he a nice kid? Yep. Yeah good kid. You know, is he funny? Apparently he is, man.
He's, I don't watch him and go, not funny.
No, his crowd work is great.
But people are like, he's fucking just, who gives a shit?
Who cares?
You know, I'm sure you guys get that too.
Oh yeah.
You know, you guys, you know, what the fuck off.
Yeah.
Fuck, just.
My wife says a thing, she's like,
have you ever gone onto someone else's page, even if you didn't like them, another creator,
and just left a negative comment on that person's page,
and I'm a hater, I'll hate on some shit.
And I was like, I don't think so, maybe,
but I don't think so, and she's like, yeah,
because there's like a level of mental illness
that that takes.
Like there's something wrong with that person's brain
that's like, let me tell them that I hate them
and they suck and I want them to die.
I don't know who told me this.
I think it might have been Patrice.
Talent isn't afraid of talent.
Oh, fire.
That's fire.
Yeah.
It's like, yeah, dude, nobody, I don't give a shit.
Yeah, and as I've gotten more confident in my own talent,
I've gotten less like,
before if another person was funny, I'd be like, fuck, dude.
And now I'm like, God bless.
Open for me.
Let's go.
Yeah, there's different levels of everything.
You know what I mean?
David Tell to me, Colin Quinn,
those guys to me are the funniest motherfuckers ever.
Colin, great dude, I gave him COVID.
You gave him what?
COVID.
Oh.
When he got COVID, that was cause of me.
I'm patient zero.
You, he came on your show.
No, Chris DeStefano and Giannis Pappas came on my show
got Giannis got COVID I had no idea I had it and
Then I tested positive told them and they were like, oh all good
Don't worry about it then but they had already had Quinn on their podcast and then Quinn got it from that
Interaction the one you were on the no I gave it to Giannis and Chris. Chris had, Chris and Giannis went home
a couple, like a day or two later, whatever,
had Colin Quinn on their podcast, History Hyenas,
and then he got COVID from that.
So you almost killed Quinn?
I almost killed Colin Quinn.
Could you imagine that, if you fucking took out Quinn?
Yeah, it would've been good for your career.
Mine?
I mean, it's another white guy out of the way.
Dude, I, dude, let me tell you something.
Colin Quinn is not in my way.
You know what I mean?
That guy, he's fucking, that guy makes, I mean, the guy who made the fucking Constitution
funny.
I don't get that shit.
That's true.
I don't understand that shit.
He's a smart guy.
Have you ever been in the thing like where you find it hard to, now you got your hour out, do you have another hour ready to go. Yeah, he's a smart guy. Have you ever been in the thing where you find it hard to,
now you got your hour out,
do you have another hour ready to go?
No, it's tough.
It's tough.
Yeah, now luckily there's one bit that I loved from back
before I put it online in like 2019 maybe,
and it did decently but not great,
and I'm like, oh, I could do that more,
I could do that better now.
So that I'm bringing back and that hits,
and I'm doing it more as myself
or as before I was kind of like performing with it.
I'm just kind of doing it very similarly.
Hopefully I can grow it out, but like right now
it's just the same bit but done as me
as opposed to some comic, trying to be a comic.
So that feels about four or five minutes.
And then I have a few other minutes that I'm building.
I'm probably at like, I can do 25.
I don't know how great it is, but that probably takes 25,
and then the other 20 I can do with Crowd Ork,
but then the idea is just keep adding to it
and then refining that 25 to sharp minutes and then.
It's, you know.
But it's tough.
Yeah, I'm finding it. You feel very naked.
I'm finding it tough right now, something,
I know I'm gonna break through it,
but people don't understand, for me.
It's tough, dude.
It's, I don't write jokes. Yeah. I have to kind gonna break through it, but people don't understand for me. It's tough, dude. It's, I don't write jokes.
Yeah.
I have to kind of go through it.
I have to have an experience and then bring it on stage.
I can't sit there and, you know, hear about this.
Yeah.
Bing, bing, boom, bang.
Yeah.
I can't, I mean, I envy people who can do that.
God bless you.
But I can't do it.
I have to, I have to really have passion.
Dude, you know Nathan McIntosh?
Yeah. That guy can turn over material so fast it blows have passion. Dude, you know Nathan McIntosh? Yeah.
That guy can turn over material so fast it blows my mind.
Yeah, Joe List. Same thing.
Joe, same thing.
Sam Morell. Mark Norman.
They just...
You know, I respect that type of thing. I just don't have it.
What I really love about Nate is he does it.
He's so in touch with his feelings on everything.
It's not even like,
hey, you hear this story?
He just knows his funny so well.
I was sitting with him at a diner years ago,
I'll never forget.
He just starts ranting for 10 minutes
about how much he loves diners.
And I'm like, this could all go on stage right now.
Like, you just get it.
So I envy that, I'm not that.
I can just come out as humor.
It's all coming out as standup.
It's a weird thing too.
I think when you become human,
when I go home, I'm just dad and fucking her husband,
and we're hanging out being silly and stuff.
It's a, like my therapist, I'm like,
dude, you made me human.
There was a point where I wasn't, I was a standup.
Standup, standup, being a standup,
when you're in love with standup,
and that's your life, the clubs,
and then all of a sudden you make a connection to a family,
and you're like, oh fuck man.
Like I gotta, like I'm, you know,
like we talked about before, it's like trying to figure out
how to become, it's like, I don't,
it's hard to not be human,
again, to just go be that motherfucker.
You know, to turn that mother, to go from,
all right, dude, I'll see you later, bye,
see you, I love you, dude, see you tomorrow,
and then be like, let's fucking go do this, you know?
Yeah, as a dad, that might be tougher.
As a husband, I'm like, I'm sick of this bitch anyway.
I mean, let's go. You know? I mean, I'm like Sick of this bitch anyway. Oh, yeah, let's go
You know, I mean I'm sick of my wife. Yeah
Yeah, I love her. I'm so in love with her. I love my but it's a lot. Oh, she I'm a fucking I'm a paycheck to her
I come home. Where's the check? It's right there fucking go ahead buy some meatballs
Yeah, I don't even get anything out of it either.
She's in bed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm trying to turn up,
I was talking about this on the bonfire,
my therapist was like,
yo man, you know, you have to go make love.
I was like, what?
I'm like, bro, she's pre-menopause.
Like, she gets hot flashes and becomes a real fucking demon.
Like, I see it shot up her neck.
And I don't know what, she's like, go home and kiss her
and tell you love her and bring her to the bedroom
and kiss her neck.
And I go, listen to me, man.
I brought out our books.
I have, like, we share an Apple book account.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I go, my books are like self-help, anger issues, manifestation books.
It's all about me trying to get better.
Her books are Rock Me, Backstage Pass, a vampire fucking her.
It's like she does, she's a pig.
My wife's a dirty whore.
I'm gonna have to go home and slap her in the face and tell her she can't get in the bedroom
unless she sucks my dick.
That's fun though.
That's fun.
Yeah, it's fun.
And it's, you know, you get some of your frustration out there.
He goes, well go home and choke her.
I'm like, fucking all yeah, that's good advice.
I actually I went home.
This is so fucked up. This is my I went home.
I took a shower because I'm always paranoid that she's like some smell.
Yeah, you know, like she's going to be like, yeah.
And I took a shower and I go, hey, Dawn, she's in the kitchen.
I go, hey, Don, why?
Come here. Why? I need you to help me with something. I go, hey, Donch, went, oh God. Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. You know, she's in a dirty t-shirt. It's like, all right, a side tits hanging out.
I'm like trying to grab a tit.
I mean, it's just like, you know, she didn't want to have sex.
She's just like, get this over with.
She's blowing me like, I need to get this over with.
Yeah, a thousand percent dude.
So, you know, just fucking.
Choker?
Yeah, get a little frustration out right there.
Maybe I'll hire those dancers to come over one night.
Honestly, they're females, but you know.
Maybe she's into that.
Maybe she's into it.
I would love it if my wife just turned Lesbo.
I think we should be able to get a pass.
I think there should be a point where, you know,
she's like, look, I'm not into it, I'm busy, good kids.
What I don't know don't hurt me.
I have, my closer is about the idea of,
basically I have to meet her emotional needs every day because yes that she needs she has if and if I don't meet her emotional
Needs every day. I'm an asshole if she doesn't meet my physical needs every day. I'm an asshole. Yep
There should be something and I've thought this through many and this is the bit
I did the idea of forming a like cheating on my wife
There's an emotional connection that happens that is fucked up to her.
I see how that hurts.
Yeah.
A hooker is just outsourcing.
Yeah.
I should be able to outsource.
Yeah.
You don't wanna do this job.
I can pay for it to be done.
Yeah.
What are we even doing?
Yeah.
Yeah, let me pay a middle-aged woman
to jerk me off and put a finger in my butt.
Should a massage end any other way?
No.
Like, the idea that a massage doesn't end with a hand job is crazy.
It's nuts to me that you're so close to my butt and balls.
And then you, the last thing is roll over and I'm, I have a full fledge
bouncing hard on and you don't touch it.
Yes.
What is, what is the point?
Even what is just massage that.
I'm done.
And I feel great.
And you get a nice tip.
If you're into that, that you've entered this knowingly,
that should be...
Yes.
Deshaun Watson, the only thing was the girls didn't know,
the NFL player who was trying to get all these girls,
they didn't know what they were getting into.
But if there was a service,
that's, he would like try to coerce them to do it.
But if there was a service and that's what you all do do that's that's how a massage should be 100% crazy I think
that should be a viable it should be the way you should say I don't want the hand job please
this time no that should be the option should be not getting a hand they should grab and
go huh yeah I'll go no or I would never do that 100% I bet yes, I do want that I
Missed them. I missed those massages. I missed the happy ending
I never did one I missed out you never did a massage dude. My wife is the only girl I've ever had sex with
That's it that's my it's my wife that's it it's the list my wife I was on the road
I went on the road. I was a comedian in New York City.
Not that the pussy was being thrown at me, but there was definitely some girls I could.
And I was like, nah.
Religious kid.
Went home. What the fuck did you just say?
The not blinking impressed me.
You've only had sex with my wife. With your wife! Me and Mark also on the pod. He had sex with my wife with your wife me and mark also on the pod
he had sex with your wife only has sex with his wife I thought that was an
Hindu thing you must fuck my wife no never two of us though have only had sex
with our wives that's fucking crazy how old are you? 39.
When did you meet your wife?
31.
What were you doing?
Not fucking girls.
Weeeee!
Yeah, yeah.
Weeeee!
I didn't say it was a good decision.
It was a decision I made that in hindsight I might not make again.
Well, wait a minute.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When did you first have sex?
31, dude.
You had sex at 31?
31.
You've never ended a vagina until you were 31?
31.
Did you see a boob?
Yeah.
Did you get a hand job?
Yeah.
Did you get a blow job?
No.
What?
The only blow job you ever got was from one woman?
How do you know if it's good?
It's pretty good.? How do you know if it's good? It's pretty good.
But how do you know?
You never had a rock and roll slut from Jersey.
You never had a middle-aged woman who liked delivery.
No, never.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Is that fucking crazy?
It's crazy.
I didn't realize, I knew it was crazy, but it's crazy.
I didn't, I knew it was crazy.
She's the same way, right?
She's the same, yeah.
You sure?
Yeah.
That would suck if she was like, alright well.
My wife is very honest, so I know pretty much everything. She told me that before I told
her.
So you guys are the first.
Yeah.
For both.
Which is really, and I need her, I need to be her first because I'm very bad at sex.
So I don't want her, she has nothing to compare. Buddy, your first time having,
you guys had sex for the first time. How old was she? 30s? 22. 22. You had to do the math on that
one. She was 16 and a half. She was bad, but I know why. No, no. She was 22.
I had no excuse.
Yeah, I met her at 22, so thank God for that.
Buddy, that is incredible.
Yeah.
So you learned how to have sex with the woman you love.
Yeah, yeah.
That's crazy.
I'm sure emotionless sex would be so fun,
but I truly don't even know what it's like
to just have like everything.
It's good.
I mean, it's good.
I bet it's pretty fun. Oh my god. It's good. I
Imagine fun. I imagine it gets old at a certain point, but that oh soon as you come you like go with that
As soon as you're done you're like, all right, we want to do now. Yeah. No Wow, man
I've never met anybody. I've you're the first person I've met that only had sex with one woman,
and she's only had sex with you.
So you've only been, how old are you now?
39.
So you've only been having sex with one woman for eight.
I've been eight years I've been fucking.
You've been fucking for eight years.
That's incredible.
Yeah.
Is that like a,
I mean, it's not common Oh, did you do that?
Max no, even the autistic kids didn't do that. Yeah, I know I know
goofy fuck over there
But it's a conscious tree. He looks like a very ugly woman. I
Mean that's epic man. So you don't even know I mean look at man. That's
That's your rule you rolled the dice.
Yeah.
What if it wasn't good?
To be honest, I wouldn't know.
What if it was, what if it was weird looking?
Oh.
What if you went down there and it was like a...
Well, we weren't married at the time.
So I said I was gonna wait till I was married.
Then when I wasn't married at 30, I was like,
well, I'm not waiting till I'm married, but want to at this point it should be somebody I care about yeah
It seems special to me. Yeah, and then when I met her pretty quickly
I was like okay, so within like a month, but it was pretty clear that like this was a real thing
This is it we ended up getting married
Yeah, you want to get married and have it did you have sex on the wedding night on the wedding night?
I know Indian wedding. Oh, you can't do that. Well, I'm not we got that you can't you just you're people people are at
Yeah, you can't do that. Well, I'm not, we're not that you can't. You're just, you're exhausted. People were at, yeah, you're fucking exhausted.
You're fucking exhausted at goddamn weddings.
She fell asleep on the couch.
And then I stayed up talking to my homies
till like six in the morning, but she was, yeah.
You've been dancing the,
ya na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na.
You wanna have sex?
I don't.
She was, David.
I was just dancing.
She was asleep on the couch.
And then at some point just went to,
because we had like an after party, which already the wedding ended at like one a.m. And then a bunch of friends came to our apartment. And she just fell asleep on the couch and then at some point just went to because we had like an after-party
Which already the wedding ended like 1 a.m. And then a bunch of friends came to our apartment
Yes, I'll sleep on the couch then went to the bed and then my homie stayed and we just talked to like six in
The morning and then I'm not waking her up at sunrise to have sex
Dude that I look at man. I that's that's wild to me. Yeah, I don't think it wild
I think it's I don't I don't know what to think of that. I've never either. I've never met anybody who's did that
Yeah, I've never met anybody was less uncommon in Texas, but nobody waited till 31 everybody got married there earlier
Yeah, so I grew up with that not be I it was
Definitely outside the norm, but it wasn't like insane then I moved to Cali in here and it's fucking mind-blowing
It's my 31 is mind-blowing regardless, but yeah, it is in general
The idea was like
none of us are trying to, people were having sex 13, 14, 15
as they could, it didn't matter.
I mean, that's so weird, like,
I think I had sex for the first time I was 12.
I mean, yeah.
That's wrong.
I mean, I was the opposite.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was like, so I mean, like, did you know what to do?
Did you have to? I had no clue.
Wow.
Yeah.
So, did you read books?
Did you talk to your dad?
Did he, this goes in here and put that in there
and then you pump your hips like.
I knew the basics.
I also was pre-med, so I knew enough in anatomy
and physiology to do what I needed to do.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's not that hard.
Well.
You know, you lift a hood, there it is. You know what I mean? Oh, there's a hood? That's not that hard.
You lift a hood.
There it is.
There's a hood?
What the fuck?
A hood?
You have to lift something?
Yeah, yeah.
That's wild.
So you, I mean, like at the end of it, we were like, was that okay?
Or were you like like was it?
No, we knew immediately it was a disaster the first time
We knew immediately we immediately you knew immediately like I didn't do that. I was good at everything
But then the actual sex there was like fit issues. It was a whole thing. It was what it was like fit issues
There was you know, I mean it was a whole you you didn't fit. Yeah. Oh, yeah, because it's her first time
Yeah, so it was like I'll stop. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, because it's her first time.
Yeah, so it was like ow, ow, ow, stop, stop.
Yeah, that's not a testament to me as much as it is her.
Believe me, believe me.
I don't think I've ever had sex with a virgin vagina.
Dammit.
You missed out, dude.
I missed out and it's too late to go back.
Now we're gonna rest it.
I mean, I can never, oh, too late to go back now. We're gonna rest it. I
Mean I could never oh, I can't go back for that and there's too bad the said island opened up again
Come on you're not successful enough for me. I am NOT you fuck
That's all right you took one it's good
That sucks that I've noticed that's such a dig you took one. It's good. Yeah, there you go. That sucks that I'm not, that's such a dig. You're not successful enough to fuck kids.
Isn't that the funniest?
Isn't that the best thing it tells somebody?
You're not successful enough to fuck a child.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, you don't have that much success.
You go to jail.
Yeah, I go to jail, exactly.
I'm a pervert.
Yeah.
Wow, dude, that's so interesting.
So did it get better with time?
Yeah, we figured out each other you figured out the moves
Yeah, you figured out like the
Did you watch?
Did you watch any videos? No, I just kind of learned what was liked and what was not and you know
You get you get a pretty good you don't watch porn that either do you watch porn? No, no
I definitely I can say hasn't happened by trying out to I tried it, you know, that's interesting
I don't I believe in that. I try to, you know. That's interesting. I believe in that.
I mean, porn, you know, is a, you know,
it's one of those things where it's like, fuck man.
It's like working at an Italian restaurant.
It's like, I don't care how good the food is.
After a while, you're like fucking blech.
Yeah, blech.
You want the chicken bonafituna?
I'm good.
Can you get a peanut butter sandwich anywhere?
You know what I mean?
It's like, porn is the same shit
where it's like, all right, whatever. I've seen it. Yeah, what do we call it? You know what I mean? It's like porn is the same shit where it's like,
all right, whatever, I've seen it.
Yeah, what have you done?
You get to a certain point, you're like,
you gotta go way down into the depths of it.
You know, all of a sudden it's like,
yeah, your wife's regular vagina doesn't,
you know, if you clit, doesn't look like a penis,
if I can't suck it up.
I'm like, ah.
Anyways.
Well, that's wild, man.
Good for you, man.
That's good. That's a healthy relationship.
Thank you man, go ahead.
Yeah, no.
Therapy, all that.
We both grew up in like, kind of shitty family situations,
so we had a lot of work to do.
Therapy's been big for us.
And I'll say this, I was wondering,
therapy I think has made me a much better comic.
I don't know about you.
Oh, I was worried that therapy,
I mean my first therapy session with the guy I go to, I was like, listen, dude, you're not making me into a fucking pussy.
And he was, you already are.
Men don't go to therapy.
He goes, that's why you're a pussy.
I was like, I love you.
But I, yeah, therapy opened me up.
That's where I learned the one thing I think, you know, if I could, if I could describe
my comedy, I'm, I'm vulnerable.
Yeah, that's what therapy helped me a lot with.
I will let out, I will tell a crowd of people,
which is what the style of comedy I like,
is that, like Louis does that,
where it's just complete vulnerability,
where you're gonna say stuff you probably shouldn't say
to a crowd of people, where they're probably,
if you said it at work, you'd be fired.
But somehow you make it relatable where they get to go.
I love when, like, you know, when you find out that,
you know, somebody famous takes a shit,
you're like, oh, you shit too, you know what I mean?
I love that when people come up after me,
they're like, dude, I did that, he does that, or she does.
That makes me feel good that, you know,
those people related to what I said.
Maybe these young girl, these hot chicks are like, ew, you'll get there someday. That makes me feel good that those people related to what I said.
Maybe these young girl, these hot chicks are like,
ew, you'll get there someday.
Someday you'll come back and be like,
oh my God, that happened to me too.
So yeah, therapy is great.
I think therapy is great for me too
because it's a place you can go and take the load off.
You can't tell your friends everything.
You can't tell your wife everything. You can't tell your wife everything.
But you can tell your therapist that fucked up shit
and it's gone.
And you can start fresh.
You can, you know, it's like getting caught cheating.
It sucks, but now you don't have to lie.
Now you can say, all right, I fucked up,
I'm a piece of shit.
You know, I got caught cheating in my life a long time ago
where it's like, ah,
yeah, all right, well, now it's gone. It's over. The cloud, the sky opens up and the
sun shines through and you can be like, all right, good. I didn't want to fuck, ugh, carry
that around with you.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know?
Yeah. That's the main thing about being faithful, I think, is not having to walk around with,
not to say, I
feel like guys who say, I will never, or like my relationship is, that's a cheater for sure.
Yeah. I never say I will never, but I think about like, if I went down that path, having
to live that lie, the guilt would consume me. Oh God. I just want my wife to say you
can cheat. That's the dream. Yeah. Yeah. That's the goal. Hey man, I'm a little busy this
week. I just don't want to know about it. embarrass me what I don't know don't hurt me don't embarrass me. That's it
Yeah, don't embarrass me and don't kiss her
I'd rather see my wife sucking a guy's dick than holding his hand that makes sense
All right, man, well listen dude your specials out right now gas lit gas lit
It's on YouTube and where else YouTube and then maybe what's it called punch TV?
Punch up dot live punch out dot live YouTube right now. You got tour dates pots down PA the March
April 11th through 13th Tempe we can use some say they'll be honest with you and then April 18th through 20th Denver on the 20th
I'm gonna do shows. Hi, obviously 420 in Denver, you got it.
Right.
You can do mushrooms or weed.
Weed, maybe we'll close it.
But I'm doing a big thing on the 22nd,
so maybe we'll do shrooms after the 22nd.
Make sure you go check him out, everybody.
Fucking hilarious guy.
One of the good guys in the business.
I mean, sex with one woman.
You can't get better than that.
You're a good human being.
I'm not perfect at all, but I try to just be.
I mean, even saying that makes you fucking good. I mean, right?
Hey, thanks, buddy.
You're kicking it on the podcast. I love that you guys have people on. You're always promoting
other people. You're always bringing people up. And you got your new special. I mean,
if you can get past the first minute and a half of that fucking silly shit
It's fantastic hilarious guy
Robert Kelly live for all my dates, of course, I'm gonna be in Boston mothership sold out
I think let's go maybe this standby San Antonio
Lafayette Club three three seven Boston. You better fucking fucking show up man get your tickets now at my thing
Make sure you Robert Kelly live comm go to punch up dot live watch my special go to comicwearables.com
You can get one of these cool hats
Are up there right now use code word ladybugs to make sure you get the code
What do you guys got over there max Marcus comedy all social media, and I'll be with you in San Antonio
For all things cheese show you just go to YouTube type in cheese show and then Danny hit a So what do you guys got over there? Max Marcus comedy all social media and I'll be with you in San Antonio.
For all things cheese show,
you just go to YouTube type in cheese show
and then Danny had to get out of here
but you can follow him at Danny Braff.
Danny Braff and of course Mush, what's Mush website?
He's gonna be with me at San Antonio.
He's featuring me, Mike Suarez.
So make sure you check us out there.
Me and Max are gonna be out there together,
kicking it, filming it, having a good time.
And, uh, of course, we're gonna go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly.
We're gonna do Questions with my man right now.
Yes.
And, uh, so if you wanna watch the questions, the second half of this, go to patreon.com.
Sign up, support the show.
Uh, really appreciate it. It's fucking like five bucks. Don't even worry about it.
And, uh, and that's it. You guys are the best fans in the world. Thanks for watching again. Make sure you subscribe.
We'll see you next week on You Know What, Dude?