Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Andrew Santino | Cut the C's

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta de dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa en preno, conocernos y no creer olvida. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid, la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un humenaje de de mao a Madrid.

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Starting point is 00:01:30 You're ruining this! Break the bar, damn it! I'm sorry. It's comedy podcasts. This is an NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original original.

Starting point is 00:01:41 Original, original. I I I I I I I I I

Starting point is 00:01:49 I I I I I I I I

Starting point is 00:01:57 I I I I I I I I I I I I Hi. And we have the great Santino. Santino, Santino,

Starting point is 00:02:06 she's Santino. He's Italian, he's Irish, but more Irish than he can. What are you doing, what are you doing? We have Andrew Santino. What's this flag on your mic? This is called the bomb bandana. Oh, you wear that often. Well, yeah, I do.

Starting point is 00:02:23 I do proudly, because I'm a creative comic. Yeah, you do. I try. I don't just do the same. And you know what? Your special should be called I try. Yeah, it is called.

Starting point is 00:02:34 That's the next one. So I tried to be friend with Santino and it didn't work out. At the end, I... Don't mark Marin me. What is he has? What does he do? He's like, we tried to be friends, but you only hyped with me once. What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:02:48 He got so sense that we hyped one time. And then I was like, we can hike again. We're just both busy. And then on stage, he introduces me. I'm not kidding. I follow him at the store. And he literally goes, it's next guy, a great comic. We try to be friends.

Starting point is 00:03:01 Guest, that didn't work out. Wow. Every time. And I'm not kidding. He's there every time. Because you have that effect on people, dude. Well, guess that didn't work out. Wow. Every time. And I'm not gonna hear that every time. Because you have that effect on people, dude. Well, I'll go for this. You have that effect, and then when you pull it away, and you know, you give it, you give it so much,

Starting point is 00:03:13 and then when I went to LA, I felt so much, and you know, you did after the podcast we did. What? You put me in your Bentley, and you, Bentley. I don't have a fucking, but not Tim Dill. You're right, you put me in your rolls whatever It's a fucking Honda Accord oh nine All right, it's 2012, but still he put me in his

Starting point is 00:03:35 Bobby I trust Bobby he put me in his Ferrari and No, I never That's that's that's that's that's that couldn't even hear and he drove through all the lights back to the hotel. And then pulled up and literally pushed the button and opened the door and the seat kind of touched me out. And that was it? And the door shut and he went like this. Uh-uh, peace.

Starting point is 00:03:54 Out of the teetops. He had teetops. What do you want to tell him? Do you want to tell him what really happened? Yeah, go to Utah. I took him to the drive-serve to get McDonald's. I wanted to get him something to eat because the little boy was hungry after the show.

Starting point is 00:04:05 And I said, what can I get you, baby boy? And he said, I gotta be good, I can't be bad. And then- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, that's what he said, I gotta be good, I can't be bad. He said McDonald's. Yeah, I gotta be good, I can't be bad. And then we drove by McDonald's and he goes,

Starting point is 00:04:19 and he was pretending like this wasn't his motive all along. It's a cross-street from his hotel. He was like, oh my god, I guess we'll just do it. He was like, I guess we'll just do McDonald's. Like I didn't know that he already knew that's where he wanted to go. Lie, you're lying. That's a lie.

Starting point is 00:04:31 We couldn't get through it because he had a Humvee and we couldn't get through it. It's an H1 and the roof doesn't detach on H1. You have H1. H1, you have HIV. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Starting point is 00:04:44 So we got him a burger. Yeah. But no bun. No bun. Butt fries. No butt fries. Wait a minute. Butt fries.

Starting point is 00:04:52 Can I just say what I joke the fries? What a crazy person I am? We really did that. Yeah, we did. What do you forget that we did? We went through the fun and the guy at the, I forgot we did go to McDonald's. I got a quarter pounder with everything but no bun Because that's the only hammer I forgot all about I thought you were joking about the McDonald's

Starting point is 00:05:08 That's how crazy you don't remember doing no because I remember the guys face when we pulled up in the in the in the H1 No, it was that one and we pull up in an H1N1 it was it was a it was the the Rolls Royce Hi-Bread so stupid Bentley that he had. Right, that's what I was. And when he put his arm out and he had the Rolex with the diamonds and cracks. Rolex? And the guy was like, yo man, that's a good watch.

Starting point is 00:05:31 And he was like, oh man, don't look at it. It's a Patek Philippe, first of all. A Patek, Patek. It's a $750,000 watch. It was, you're right, it was. And it's funny because he has peck pigeons that fly like follow him. Oh, well they're the whole thing.

Starting point is 00:05:44 Well they're the carrier, they're a carrier pigeon. He has a flag on top like follow him. Oh, well, they're the whole thing. Well, they're the entire area, they're, you know, the entire area of pigeon. Yeah, yeah. He has a flag on top and he goes like this. If I have something to say to somebody, I can write it in a note, I'll hit a pigeon on the roof and I'll go, go.

Starting point is 00:05:53 And they'll swoop down and send someone. I know him and Mike Tyson are like best friends. I heard about that. Well, close, close. I mean, not best friends, because you can't be best friends with you because as soon as it's done, you cut it off. I cut it right off. Cut it off. I mean, I haven't stopped texting you. I text you all the time. That's true. We do text a lot. So what was the last text you said to her? Miss you? Love you?

Starting point is 00:06:14 Actually, I said I'm gonna come down and see you and spit on you tonight. That's literally what I said. It's true. I said I'm gonna come spit on you tonight. That's absolutely true. I said it's perfect. Perfect. There are that's That's Bobby in the park. When I send you notes, you get all my little love notes. Oh, shit. Look at all those pigeons. You know, obviously, for New Yorkers not have enough pigeons. No, it's a moron here. Yeah, almost people.

Starting point is 00:06:39 Yeah, we need more of those. Anyways, careful. I know you're from out there. Yeah, because we started that you know that's our that's our that's our can you take the ones we have to

Starting point is 00:06:50 you know i did get a guy last night how often are you giving a homeless guy money i got this guy in the corner i like to give him tequila and then sometimes i'll buy him cigarettes so you support his addictions and i like that that's that's great girl that's it comical work that's an old time that 100% yeah, but that's that's Greg or gal That's it comic these to work. That's an old comic. Yeah You know he's he you know he hears this and he's just like no one listen. That's it. Nobody. No, no

Starting point is 00:07:13 How many numbers is this guy? I get around three hundred downloads a week Okay Good no good good good good good good good good what what what What I want to know is truly, because when I lived in Chicago, my mom would decide when we were kids, she would give homeless people money if they were doing something. Like, there's a thing called street wise in Chicago, they go to the tribune, they buy the paper for 50 cents and they sell it for a dollar, they keep the 50 cent profit, and that's kind of a nice, like, a work program. Right.

Starting point is 00:07:44 So she says you should always give homeless guy money if he's doing something. Yeah. And then you should always give them money if they make you laugh. Okay. Yeah. And she said you always give them money if you really, really in your heart know that they need it. Right.

Starting point is 00:07:56 But otherwise, no. Yeah. So here I haven't given any money away because none of these motherfuckers need it or deserve it. They haven't done anything to deserve it. No, no, no talents. There's no, there's no talents anymore in the streets. You haven't g anything to deserve it. And no talents. There's no talents anymore in the streets. You haven't giggled once.

Starting point is 00:08:07 I did. OK, what? I gave a guy money because he made me laugh. What do you do? He was in a wheelchair. You know this bit that they do. He's in a wheelchair and he did not have a leg. He had one leg missing.

Starting point is 00:08:20 That bit is the best. And that's a professional. That's a good bit. That's a pro bit. And he wheeled up to us with his left foot. We were in the East Village and he said, he said, come on man, I'm trying to start the Euro fund to right foot. Oh, it's good.

Starting point is 00:08:33 Boom. That's five. Hit him with a five. I want to give him money. That's a good bit. That's a good bit. That's a, I want to let him open for me. I know he can son.

Starting point is 00:08:42 You're out. You're out, Joe. See you later. Cut your leg off, bitch. Yeah, come into the bit. Hey,jig and Sun. You're out. You're out, Joe. See you later. Cut your leg off, bitch. Yeah, come into the bit. Hey, you will right now. No, it's funny. I wonder what war it was that took a leg off.

Starting point is 00:08:51 Or was it just plain eating shitty food on the streets? You know, that was his war. That was his war. Diabetes. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine was his war. He lost. So the next time you want to make fun of someone's drug addiction,

Starting point is 00:09:03 think twice because you yourself could lose. Yeah, you could get trapped up in that. You don't think you could get addicted to that. I was. I'm sober 37 years. So you know that and fall back off the wagon? I never said that. I could. I'm saying that I couldn't.

Starting point is 00:09:16 Do you think you'd be on a wagon, by the way, if you were on something to get sober? You would be like a... Is this a fatch-out? Yeah. Yeah. But it's skinny Bobby now. Yeah, I mean Dude, what do you mean? No, I said yeah, that's yes. Oh, it's not yes. Yes, and Portuguese. Oh

Starting point is 00:09:35 What? Please look that up. Are you guys that? Oh, fuck it uncultured? You don't know in Portuguese. Oh, yes. I don't think that's true First of all, I complimented how good you look last time I'm not gonna do it again. Why why why? Why cuz you look good? You know what better than look good you actually feel good. Oh really? Yeah, you feel um you feel warm You feel inviting yeah see sim What no sim it's who's the search guy help me out you fucking dick throw me under the bus Same. Tim. What? What? No. Sim.

Starting point is 00:10:05 Who's the search guy? Help me out, you fucking dick. Throw me under the bus. What a dick. Throw me under the bus. Sorry. You feel warm in a way that's like I know your soul is satisfied. Yeah, I am.

Starting point is 00:10:17 That's hippy shit. And I mean it. You feel warm. Like everything is good right now. You're such a cool. I want to thank Bobby Lovon to. You did a very nice favor for me. You told people of Boston to come out and see me.

Starting point is 00:10:28 I did shows in Boston a New Year's and had a great time and I appreciate that. Oh good. Boston, you're a great city. You don't need to get so fucked up. They get bad. Dude, they got some guy. I mean, did you have a late show?

Starting point is 00:10:39 Did you have a show that had a midnight? Yeah. Oh yeah. No, it didn't go into the midnight. We made sure it was early because we were like people can get a fuck out well you also because the Wilbur we've talked about this past midnight to hold that's right you have that union so they were like how bless you the early the late show earlier I was a great then we'll be up by like 11 people can fuck off into the streets and do

Starting point is 00:10:58 that didn't matter black I mean black that one guy fell asleep right at the front you pay the most money to fall asleep front row against the stage and His buddy was whistling and then the security finally came up to because he was interrupting Crystal Connor who who opened for me. He was interrupting him Then I thought okay, he'll learn this fucking lesson. This pretty went to him. No, security talked him again when I was there Sure enough, you know the guys like you're gonna kick me out, man And it already made everything uncomfortable. So I was like guys sure enough, you know, the guys are like, you're gonna kick me out, man. And it already made everything uncomfortable.

Starting point is 00:11:26 So I was like, guys, he's fine. Just come on, sir. You can't, you got to chill out a little bit. People around you are getting annoyed. He was, I will. I fucking will. But did the crowd turn on him? They hated him.

Starting point is 00:11:35 They didn't hate it. Did any guys get violent with him? Like, shut the fuck up and they'll fuck you and they start fighting each other. Yeah, and then, that's Boston. Then I'm like, please stop. Because then you lose control. When some guy from

Starting point is 00:11:45 It's always some guy up top goes shut the fuck up bitch Everybody's the Boston accent. Yeah, so it's a kid shot the fuck up. You're fucking mouth bitch Yeah, it was too much and I was like I love Boston But some people are so fucked up so fucked up. I know that you're like guys. You don't like this There's no way you're having fun Yeah, the last time I played the Wilbur and I headlined by myself. There was a lady in the front row. She was like fucking 50 Trashed I mean trash and she wound up just being a just a nuisance and it's not like their assholes

Starting point is 00:12:18 But they just they did they just fucked and her husband was fucked and by the time I got out there They ruined Chris what's the kid who used to wear Chris uh scopo. Oh, they fucking ruined his set and he didn't know what to do. He tanked the whole thing because they were just talking and I get out there and I'm like listen you gotta shut the fuck up. Bobby and then they know you. Bobby we're fucking here for you, cat and then some dude over here goes shut the fuck

Starting point is 00:12:41 up and he's dead. You tell my wife to fucking shut. How fucking you shut the fuck. Now it's a fucking fight and I don't know what to do. That's great. You let him have it. Walk off. Let him be on the stage.

Starting point is 00:12:52 Boston likes to drink and it's a rough. God bless. Great city. They party so fucking hard. I had it at the last call. Last call is at midnight in Boston. I mean, it should be eight o'clock. Wait, is that true?

Starting point is 00:13:02 Yeah, like last call is fucking urgent. Should be early in Boston. Should be eight o'clock. Wait, is that true? Yeah, like last call is is fucking early should be early I'm supposed to be eight o'clock. Should be 8 p.m. Should be a p.m. 100% well, you know what happens then. Yeah, I do I was black out by seven. Yeah fine They're least a responsibly blacking out and they go home. Yeah, they're blacked out by seven That means it's time you get by nine. Yeah, and by by nine. I guess it's fucking hit a tree by seven thirty maybe hopefully Sun could still be out. Fucking whacking to something on root one.

Starting point is 00:13:27 Fuck him. I tell you. Welcome. My little brother's one of those kids. We did the Boston Commerce come home, and he's fucking, I have to beg him not to get fucked up enough because he's that bad. Well, because Boston, the drinkers, they're not,

Starting point is 00:13:42 they're not, it's like, they're not bad people. They're not doing it to fuck your show up. Did they don't know how to not do it? You're like, there's like, you're pleading to Congress to get some, you're like, they're not bad people. Senator. These people, let's do it.

Starting point is 00:14:01 I'm telling you, this lady at my show at Laf Boston was in the front row talking the whole show. Oh yeah. The whole show. Shit faced. And her husband kept going, can't, can't. Oh my god.

Starting point is 00:14:11 What do you do? She owns me. And then I finally went, I finally went, can you, you can't shut the fuck up, can you? And she went, I can't. I'm so heartless. Look at what she knows. At least she's aware of her flaws.

Starting point is 00:14:24 She went, I can't. Like everything she's ever been done with, or the job she's been fired from, the Red Sox game, she's been kicked out of the prom. I can't. Fucking family reunion. I can't. I've tried, but I can't.

Starting point is 00:14:40 Lost everything because I can't shut the fuck up. I looked over at him, he went. She can't. That's my life, looked over at him. He went She can't that's my life. I'm mother fuckers. Can I see the bomb rag? You haven't earned it yet. All right. You have an herb. I'll show you give it a minute give me a couple sets Oh, you'll be me to give me get downstairs. No problem. Whoa Yeah, but this has been around for 15 years look at the blood on who's who's who's your who's worn it the longest me 100% me really? Yeah, because I try a lot you do. Yeah, I try swing at it man.

Starting point is 00:15:10 I swing at the fences. Sometimes it'll run and sometimes I don't who tries the least who tries the least who tries the least who's never going to wear that rag. Um, they don't go for it. Go ahead, say it. You. Oh, I'll get I'll wear that rag. No,? Oh, I'll get, I'll wear that rag. No, I'll wear that rag.

Starting point is 00:15:26 I'll wear that rag. Yeah. Liz had to use it one day for a period. I did. I just rolled it up real fast. Yeah. I thought you told me, don't you, you freebleed? You told me you freebleed?

Starting point is 00:15:35 No, not when I'm in this room. I like to just put it in. Oh, you got a restaurant. Yeah. And you imagine? Let me take some of free bleeding. I don't like that, I don't, you're a big freebleeder, I thought. I don't like that. You're a big free bleeder, I thought. I don't like that they made it like patriotic.

Starting point is 00:15:49 Free bleeding. Free bleeding. The fucking lesbian to a free bleeder. Is it like a thing? How do you know about this? How do you know about it? You look at the dirty fucking red side bitch in a field. That's how you know about it.

Starting point is 00:16:00 Oh, really good. Put that away. Free bleed baby. Well for it. Do the one in the field with the lady with the dress But that's the way they used to do it before they back in the day in the old west well back in the day before rules came into play We used to make you guys sit in a room. Yeah, before people like to finish their meal and swallow it Could you imagine your wife coming in from the

Starting point is 00:16:21 Denizama dang it hang on the day and then you come in she on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang say, hey guys, let's not do this anymore. Just put a cork in that shirt. I had it with a French. They used to cork it. They used to use corks, actual corks. You're lying. Look at up. Corks, cork it is the real phrase of when they used to plug for a vagina. So, plug it on it.

Starting point is 00:16:54 I'm pretty sure they put corks in wine. Go to, what is it? Google. No, no, no, the Union 507 Plummer's Union Guild. They have a, it's all about plugging it and corking it. That's where they learned. Some of the greatest plumbing techniques five-o-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no- I'm not saying that, but I know what you're saying about that, but yes, it might be not. Why is computer, do you have your card tied up? Will you buy this for Bobby? What is this? It's a period pouch mooncup. What the fuck, do you show me what it looks like, please?

Starting point is 00:17:38 It's a concord. It's a concord. I think it's just the pouch. It's just the pouch. For your course. Yeah, yeah, as... Jimmy, don't say, ask to me. Tell him to fucking know where to go. Go to concorks.com. It's not my fault. You don't know how to Google.

Starting point is 00:17:53 Go to concorks.com, go grab yourself a concork. Use promo code whiskey. Whiskey, send off. Whiskey, Jen, yeah. Your first con is free. Your first concork is free. No. Now, I'm not a big fan of periods, but some guys love them.

Starting point is 00:18:06 When you operate them. Yes, and your words are fucking on. I don't, first of all, I don't have to appear. Prove it. I'm pre-menopause. Oh, okay. Concord, would you show us the definition? Stop, yeah, this is wick, this is a...

Starting point is 00:18:21 What does it say? Stuffing to use some new female outpork. Yeah, but give me a visual. I want to see a photo of one give the guy for I want to know what a con cork looks like Are you anti-period by the way? What's the problem? What because of your face? Sorry, why do you take a shot? I told you you look nice. I know you didn't you did a fat joke first Then we shame you and yeah, you punch and then you hug Okay, you're not a dad when you were a kid. I love your mustache.

Starting point is 00:18:46 Smack him and he's smacking the head and he was like, I love you too. I had 10, I had 10 dads, by the way, 10. Whoever came over. Yeah, oh daddy. No, I'm just, I'm just corking your mom's con. I'll be out of here in an hour. My mom listens to the show.

Starting point is 00:19:03 No, yeah, 100%. Great. Andrew Santini. No, no, my Irish. Yeah, 100%. Great. Andrew Santini. No, no, my Irish. No, no, my name is, my name is Joe List. Yeah, yeah. Joe List. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:13 Let me see your watch, by the way. Can I see? Yeah, Apple Watch, the new one. You had it with me out there, but no, this is the Ultra. This is the newer one. This is the Ultra. I like that band. That is fancy.

Starting point is 00:19:23 Thank you very much. I don't think I can. How many, it's a phone. It's the phone. I know? That is fancy. Thank you very much. I don't know if I can say it. How many, um, it's a phone. It's the phone. I know what it is. I relax. You asked to see it. No, but it is you on your passcode.

Starting point is 00:19:31 Like who's going to hack your fucking watch? I was looking into your health data on your watch. Is that what you're right about? You didn't take enough steps. Someone's going to catch you. Yeah. Okay, so, so. Yes, guys.

Starting point is 00:19:41 What I want to know is you don't have the tracking turned on on this. I do. It shows nothing at the bottom. No activity. I turned it off. Why? I want to know is you don't have the tracking turned on on this. I do. It shows nothing at the bottom. No activity. I turned it off. Why? I don't know because you're because you don't want it to know. What do I have? The tracking at the bottom usually has the activity.

Starting point is 00:19:52 Filial circle. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, I have because I don't have this is not the one I use. I use this one. I just got this watch. The ultra is the best one to have. So that's I just got that one. Oh, that's very nice.

Starting point is 00:20:03 Yeah. And then you go like this and you turn it off It goes red. Can I can I ask you you can have it? How much how much are those things? This is $7,000 Boy, you like cars. I like watches Yeah, what are you gonna do? No, no, no, I just I can't believe that you did you find a concourse yet? My curiosity is killing please find the Concord I need a conc. Who sat in these thrones That was the kings yeah, and the queen of England. I've know of the seller. Yep. We nominate one every year And guess what you won this year. Get out of town. I swear to God. I queen you the music you the music you and Lisa

Starting point is 00:20:38 Leppinelli one Lisa come on out come on. Yeah, you guys have to date for a month Lisa come on out come on. Yeah, you guys have to date for a month That's not a con cork. That's a tape measure you take this all that comes up. All right listen What did they use before Tampa what's the gentleman's name that's doing their Google max max your fire Hope you look at look at look of her a new job is max a comedian max stand up max. I can't see it There he is that is explain you why he can't type in anything with a vagina. Are you a comedian. Max stand up. Max, I can't see it. There he is. Now does it explain you why he can't type in anything with a vagina. Are you a comedian?

Starting point is 00:21:07 Are you a Jewish conquistador? It's like the funniest look. I love you. He's a stand up, yeah. He's a stand up. He's a stand up. He's a stand up. No non-standups.

Starting point is 00:21:16 We got Max. We got Danny and we got Joe. Okay. Boys. And they all have some form of autism. Yeah. I mean, look at them. I mean, I can't even look at you. I have a more than a second. Isn't that funny? I never thought it was physical and now I see some form of autism. Yeah. I mean, look at them. Yeah, I mean, look, I can't even look at you.

Starting point is 00:21:25 I have a moment of second. Isn't that funny? I never thought it was physical and now I see it is. Oh, yeah. I thought it was inside. Oh, no. His eyebrows are way too close together. Yeah, his face didn't form right.

Starting point is 00:21:34 Well, why? Why do you mean to the sweet boy? Look at him. All right. Go ahead. No, they're good guys. They're good boys. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:43 A young comics, what are we talking? Look at them. Well, you never know. You can't tell because they're good. How long're good boys. Yep. All you young comics. What are we talking? Look at them? Well, you never know. You can't tell because they're long of each of you been doing it Seven seven. What about him? Like five five very funny very funny guys. Well, who's the funniest? I'll call you I'll call it out Who's the thing? I would say I would say because I Joe Russell mozzarella The autistic in the restaurant. Autistic. I saw one time very well.

Starting point is 00:22:06 Yeah. Did great. And I've never seen Max. Who's Matsurella down there? Matsurella is down the back. He has a show called The Cheese Show. He does this wife that him and his wife do review cheeses every week. It's an interstitial on YouTube.

Starting point is 00:22:18 Oh, that's sad in a way. Yeah. But his wife is lovely in very town. Yeah, she's very pretty. Do you want to see an episode? Yeah. All right, wait a second. Please read this. Yeah, say what it says.

Starting point is 00:22:29 I can't see it. Hang on, let's try it again. Cut. Please read this. Do I have to fucking read this? Max. Do you want me to read? OK.

Starting point is 00:22:37 What do you mean do I want you to read it? Max. I said, please read it twice. And then Liz yelled to you. And Santino and Max. Maybe difficult to believe, but once upon a time, none of these modern period products existed before the 1800s women made do with soft and papyrus leaves Lint wrapped around a stick yep rolled up grass and see sponge see see sponges a cork That's what a cork is. What do you think a cork is in wine bottle see sponge condense see sponge so they got your welcome

Starting point is 00:23:04 I'm right. It's not a cork, true. So they got lint of a couch and they wrapped it around a stick. No, like the leftover cotton gin. Cotton gin. Lint. Don't say cotton gin like you knew. I did, she said it, I agree.

Starting point is 00:23:15 When you sing, I know you're lying. I did, I did. I did. I did. I did. She, I don't know, whole much. But let me tell you what I know. What do you know?

Starting point is 00:23:27 That the wealthiest people had access to excess cotton. Right. And that's what they used in the course. Where'd they get it? Go ahead, but I was just playing that joke. Well, because they were getting it, because they owned the farm that it was on. Uh-huh. So they had money.

Starting point is 00:23:43 Keep going, I don't even understand. They just owned a farm. They had a farm. Keep going, I don't even understand. What do you mean? So they just owned a farm? They had a farm. Yeah, many people to do. And they owned the cotton mills, jeans. Sure, what's unusual about that? Nothing at all. They owned it though, so that's why they had it.

Starting point is 00:23:54 They had more extra lint and cotton around because they owned the farm. Yeah. How did they have so much access to the cotton itself? They owned it, they're rich. Who got it for them? Who got it for them? The pilgrims? The pilgrims. John Wayne helped.

Starting point is 00:24:08 John Wayne. Yeah, watch the movie. You sound? Yeah, it's not like someone who was dimensioned in old folks home and they're like, hey man. And what happened with the pilgrims? And John Wayne helped pick the cotton? All right, the Loris.

Starting point is 00:24:18 Pick the cotton. That was talking about bigger than it. What do you talk about? Explain that. No. No, please, further that thought. Oh, I thought I had to expand expand go. I'll tell you exactly What do you do it?

Starting point is 00:24:28 You pick up your phone start recording me on Twitter. What do you got what do you get ginger? No? I've got what did you just say? I said what did you just say and I'll flip it back on you? You big. I'm sorry. No, I didn't say ginger. My vagina doesn't need to breathe. I cork that bitch. See it's popular Right cork that bitch. Just gonna say, I wanna see a cork. You're not showing me a cont-cork. I don't think anybody want, we'll go to only fans. There it is. No, that's off the vagina.

Starting point is 00:24:50 Go back up one second, go back up. Yeah, he's never seen my eyes. I've seen him. Okay, but never used him. Go ahead. What are the, what are, what's the things on the sides? Overies. Overies?

Starting point is 00:25:01 Okay, how do you get to those? Can I get to those with a finger? None unless you have a real long fucking finger to up in it up in it I'm gonna stop doing this I think this up I think this up to something up there we haven't got it to what if you got that and they went all they just shit and come because you've then put your whole forearm yeah I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna try it. I think we should all try it. I'm gonna get a cone hanger and put two fingers on the end of it and put it up my wife's thinking.

Starting point is 00:25:30 That's an abortion. And fuck and see if it works. Those are the ovaries. That's what they look like. Keep going. Show me a C cork. Show me the C cork. Show me.

Starting point is 00:25:39 C cork. C cork. That's your thing. I love that he has to gingerly slide the hood away, search, and then bring it back. I've seen a lot of a gin is dude. Yeah, okay. I'm doing it, it's excelling me on it.

Starting point is 00:25:52 What do I tell you, what's your favorite part of a vagina? I know right away. Wow, favorite part. Yeah, you heard me. Oh, he's got one there. That's a cork, you asshole. What do you think they use? That's it. Yeah. Boxwood. Wow. That's a retractor. Yeah. That's not a wow. What is that? That's a make your badge. Max, are you fucking nervous? He's never seen of a giant. Are you in a cult that

Starting point is 00:26:22 doesn't allow you to type stuff in? Yeah. one or two or just only on TV max how many of the genres have you seen happen that so expensive it's 99 cents oh sorry I don't know I'll have the great centino podcast no but you have that $7,000 Apple watch so you swap that out for a whole bunch of max max are you a single man no I have I have a girlfriend. Wow. Yeah. And can we see what what she looks like? Bring her up. No, no, no, you don't have to show her. That's not that's not nice. You don't have to show her.

Starting point is 00:26:53 How long you been with her? Over a year. Is she a comic? Yeah. He says over a year. Comedian as well. But she's over a year. How he was like over a year because he's never had one over the year. Oh, that's a lot. Max. Have you ever heard of her over a year? No, this is like my third over a year because he's never had one over the year Max, have you ever heard of your first over a year? No, this is like my third over a year. Whoa big dog. Hey Slow down how shot? What about you daddy? You got a girlfriend?

Starting point is 00:27:14 God bless. They single. What about you mayonnaise or what's it? Montreal's got a wife. mozzarella It's a mayonnaise. Skintone. He's got a wife, very sexy wife. Bring up the cheese show. Show him the cheese show. Watch this.

Starting point is 00:27:27 Watch out pretty as wife. And she's not a comedian. She's a, she's a comic actor singer. She's a performer. She's a performer writer. Does she sing on your mozzarella show? Oh yeah. What episode should he bring up?

Starting point is 00:27:39 Should I just sketch? Well, hurry up. Watch a sketch. He's pitching me. Now he's pitching us hard. Yeah, that was, I mean, dude, I said the cheese show. Don't you think he's a fucking bodusa? Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:27:48 I'm gonna book you, man, A's, you're booked. He's not a bodusa from LA. Anyways, how was your Christmas, buddy? Beautiful Christmas. I bought my mother a car. Wow, what kind of car? It was a nice one. How nice.

Starting point is 00:28:02 Ferrari. Again. Imagine. I bought my mother a nice one. How nice. Ferrari. Again. Imagine. I bought my Mio Lizer a nice little tiny three series BMW. My mom has never had a brand new car a whole life. And I was very proud to buy her. She's never owned a new car. Ever.

Starting point is 00:28:18 She's only had a hand me down from my dad or a used piece of shit. So finally I did it. I got my mom. Wow. Who is that, babe? I'm not a is that babe? That's his wife. Wow. Andrew. She is. When I say, oh, Oh, your wife. Very pretty.

Starting point is 00:28:42 I'm excited about these cheeses. He's got big loo. Cheese. Cheese. Liv, the show is only three minutes long. How he's supposed to eat four cheeses? Quickly. Good call. Good call.

Starting point is 00:28:54 Whoa, what was that boob shot? Oh, it was a rude shot. Yeah, who edits this? He does. Sickle. Yeah, that's really, that's a thirst trap, dude. Selling his wife. Yeah, slutting her out for him.

Starting point is 00:29:04 Nice. Bring in the hate hot man. Yeah, slotting around for him. Nice. Bring in the heat, hot man. OK, we got to pause this. It's going to give me anxiety. I pause. It's going to drive me fun. I love the you pause. That guy on the back.

Starting point is 00:29:13 Yeah. She's very pretty. And it's very good. I like the production value as high. Where is she from? You taught something to do. Utah. Was she a Mormon?

Starting point is 00:29:24 She's the only Jew from Utah? Holy shit. God, how did they even end up there? Talk about getting lost. How could you even as a non-Mormon person? How would you... Is there a family still there? No, they got out too.

Starting point is 00:29:42 No, they burned them. Yeah, they're gone. I'm gonna let it sit. Okay, let it sit. That's why I have this. But that right footed out. Are you Jewish? Oh, oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, looks Jewish. Yeah, you're mad that he's not Jewish. You scared that he's behind you now with the computer? You're German, right? He's Italian. Yeah. And he knows magic.

Starting point is 00:30:13 He was a magician before he was a comedian. Oh, it's amazing. And tell you something, Italian, who knows magic is a German. That's what that is. Yeah, that's exactly what a German has an Italian that knows magic. You're not Italian, are you? Yeah, he's Italian. You ever see his mom?

Starting point is 00:30:24 Oh, shit. Did I say it like that? She looks straight, Gini. I married him and his wife, by the way. Fuck you. No fuck you. No. Fuck you. No fuck you.

Starting point is 00:30:35 Prove it that you did it. Really? Yeah, okay. Bring it up. Bring up Joe's marriage. Oh, he did. Fuck you, he did. Fuck he marries people, yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:42 You married, he let him live. Of course he did, you know why? He married Joe List why I'm a man I married Joe list to I'm a man. Okay. Yeah, men marry people. What have you done? He got his mama car. I got my mama fucking car list go fuck yourself. No, I don't fuck you stick a corner Stick a corner you can't Sorry, we're never she's Estic a porqué que no te puedes. Me voy a hacer esto. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 3 por uno Esta es la 3 por uno señal Que significa que ya puedes aprovechar te del 3 por uno en medianas a domicidio solo pidiendo el line

Starting point is 00:31:29 ¿Sabará? 3 por uno 3 por uno Ah no no no ¡Dominos! Pizza ¡Pizza! Blate de se

Starting point is 00:31:35 ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No? ¿No Who took you up here? I prefer not to say if I'm being honest with you. It was a comic that took me up here and Who? It was he was like oh good sat and I was like oh thanks and he was like you should come upstairs everybody's up there Who's up there and I came up here and there was nobody up here and he pushed me in the room that room and

Starting point is 00:31:58 In this room. He pushed you in the room. Yeah, push me in here. And I go what are we doing? He goes shut up, bitch And he made me take up my clothes and dance for him. He didn't touch me physically, but he made me get naked up here and dance around. I'm not going to say who was, but it's one of the people that were regularly performed to the seller. Wait a minute, dude. You had a dance and like nude. Yeah. With a lights on. Oh, yeah. Was there music? Oh, yeah. Was he making the music by himself? Was he playing the music? It was it's raining men. And he put it on loop. And he made me dance over and over.

Starting point is 00:32:27 And was he humming it too? Like him? Was he singing? He shifted his shoulders. This should be given away a lot of hints over who did this to me. He's just shifting his shoulders a lot. Really? Just staring at me, shifting his head.

Starting point is 00:32:36 That's all he did didn't take anything out. And then he went like this. And then he left the room. Give me a nod and left the room. And what'd you do? I got I went down south and did another spot. I think I had one at around the corner. I got one back and did one more spot.

Starting point is 00:32:49 We can go back and we can get the video. You can find out who did it. Take it to the video. Is he old? Is he young? He's older. He's older. Is he a white dude or a black dude?

Starting point is 00:32:58 That's disgusting. Don't do that. I mean, it's a white dude. You don't like black guy. What are you? I didn't know you didn't like black guy. Okay. I didn't know you. I didn't know you like. If I said black guy was gonna make you gross. I didn't do that. I mean, all right. So it's a white dude. You don't like black. What are you a cop? I didn't know you didn't like black guy. Okay. I didn't know you. I didn't know you like If I said black, I was gonna make you gross. I didn't know that you like

Starting point is 00:33:10 You racist. No, no, that's fine. It's fine. It's fine, dude. I'm not well You just said I said black white guy, but you let's discuss it. Okay. Okay. I'm racist Hey, look at this. Say what you push play. Who's that? Who's that in the middle? But it knows that they cropped you out a little bit. That didn't crop me. Why did I get so small? Why? I look so short.

Starting point is 00:33:30 You didn't get like an apple box of standout or something? They should put you on something. Oh my god. I look like you. You look like a white Kevin Hart. I look like Bobby Lee's mom when you get a red. I'm Bobby Mom. That's what you look like.

Starting point is 00:33:42 That's it. Well, how tall are you? You're like, my, same height. I didn't realize you were so tiny. What the fuck? A full of size adult man. Did you put your wedding on YouTube? You freak? Yeah, that's crazy. All right, shut it off.

Starting point is 00:33:56 Yeah, this is also going to give me anxiety. I don't know if it's the cheese or this one is going to bury me. This is beautiful, you guys. Congratulations on that, man. When was that? October 1st. Congratulations, babe. Yeah. Gonna bury me this is beautiful you guys congratulations on that man when was that October first I Would say ma zul also ma zul she's Jewish yeah ma zul not to you to her. He made her renounce her Judaism Oh, really she went back. She has she's actually a Catholic now good God bless Jesus. She's one of the good ones I actually did I said I'm not gonna marry I'm not gonna marry you

Starting point is 00:34:24 I'm not stepping on cups. I have, front of my gut is heel cut last time he did that. Stangerous. Yeah, he had sketchers on. And he cut his own wedding. Yeah, it was a tough one, then he cut the bottom of his foot. And I mean, what'd you do? So you got your mom a car.

Starting point is 00:34:38 I bought my mother a car. And you've wanted to do that for how long, dude. Two years. Wow. I told my dad two years ago, I think I want to buy mama car. Now, what'd you get your dad? A fucking hug. What do you get, dads?

Starting point is 00:34:50 They don't deserve anything. What the fuck are you talking about? No. Dude, they did every, it's over. It's over. Wrap it up, dad. It's done. What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:34:58 Sit in your fucking chair, dad, and shut the fuck up. Get him a new chair at least. Yeah, no, no, no. He likes his old piece of shit. Yeah, my father does. Every dad has their own chair. Sometimes when my dad gets like a heart, like he feels like, oh, his heart hurts,

Starting point is 00:35:12 he sits in the chair because he wants to die in the chair. So he'll waddle towards the chair. I have a chair. You back, of course you have a chair. I fixed my chair yesterday. Dom was like, the chair's broken and I fixed it with a screw.

Starting point is 00:35:24 Yeah. I'm gonna have a screwdriver. I have a screwdriver. It was a, the chair was broken and I fixed it with a screw. Yeah. I'm going to have a screwdriver. I was a piece that was on hooked on the bottom so I flipped it over and I fixed it. I had to go outside and like, um, um, um, engineer the screw a little different so it could fit by this thing. Ooh. Handy boy. And I am a handy boy.

Starting point is 00:35:38 That was my nickname in Juve Hall. Handy boy. And I. Here comes handy boy. Handy boy. You just, and you took all your thumbs on all the all the cells Andy was here You're long flowing hair

Starting point is 00:35:52 Yeah, beautiful hair in the breezy Andy boy Saunters down the hall I've seen that picture with your ball hanging out Bobby I know I know what it was I get my dad anything you know what I did get my dad anything. You know what I did? That's not true. I got him two gift cards. What? Gift cards? To where?

Starting point is 00:36:09 One of them to his favorite restaurant. What? Oh, I love Garden. No. Okay. And the other one to Tommy Bahama, because he wanted new shirts. So I bought, I got him a Tommy Bahama.

Starting point is 00:36:18 So he has style. So he has style. So he's stylish. She's got a style. He's got a style, yeah. You know what? Same style as Sammy Hagar. He likes the slacks. I'm not kidding.

Starting point is 00:36:28 He doesn't like Hawaiian shirts as much. He likes the pants from Tommy Bahama. Because they're stretchy. Well, they fit, yeah, when you get dad size, you do what works. I know, I don't want my dad. I'm a dad. So I said here, that's for that.

Starting point is 00:36:37 That's for that. And he was actually so happy. He's like, yeah, on the outside. On the inside, he's like, I didn't get a fucking car. He just got a fucking car. What kind of car? He had a Jeep. He bought a Jeep. she's got a beamer and he's got a Jeep. God bless Who got a blue Jeep you got him the Jeep? That's nice. That's at least you got him the Jeep. I did not get him the cheap Andrew he got the Jeep on his own. He's a big boy. What the fuck? He just bad

Starting point is 00:36:59 He's my you know what dads what take care of themselves You take care of yourself. Nobody needs to take care of yourself nobody needs to take care of you I do take care of myself and you're right, but this is bullshit. You didn't fall. I fell out of my mom I fell out of my mom. Bushie. I was 48 pounds. I was born. Why did you fall out? I was three foot seven 48 pounds when I was born I was I was huge I felt bad. She deserves it. So, let me ask you, because of me, she could never use one of those corks anymore. No, she could.

Starting point is 00:37:27 She just has to use a bigger one, like one on one of those. Watch it. Okay. Thank you. This is checking. No, I bought her a car and it was, it was, it was, it made me feel good in my heart and my soul. Yeah, it was like the nicest thing I've ever done.

Starting point is 00:37:40 But you didn't feel, I'm serious. And I don't mean to be an asshole. Well, you go, go ahead. I'm serious. I'm serious. But you didn't feel, I'm serious. And I don't mean to be an asshole. Well, you do. Go ahead. I can feel it. I'm serious. Okay. You didn't feel looking in your dad's unit. Now if I had a video, if I video tape,

Starting point is 00:37:52 is there a video tape that you're doing it? Yeah. Where's your dad there? Yeah. He was right there. Yeah. Is he in the video? No.

Starting point is 00:38:00 Okay. If you had video tape that you dad, I'm gonna show you what your dad looked like. Liz is your mom. Okay. You're you. I'm your dad. But look at me while we're doing our community., I'm gonna show you what your dad looked like. Liz is your mom, your you, arm your dad, but look at me when we're doing our kids. But I'm gonna talk to Liz like, you gotta talk to my mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, talk to her.

Starting point is 00:38:10 Talk to Liz like you talk to your mom. Okay, okay, are you ready? Yeah. Mommy want me. You want the real thing. No, I don't want the real thing. I do not want the real thing. Okay, I do it.

Starting point is 00:38:21 Don't ever do that again. Okay, what? Mom, I just got you. I got you. There's something. I got mommy warming. I have to get it out of my head. It's like kid stuff saying mommy warming.

Starting point is 00:38:32 It's mommy warming. Mommy. It's so wrong. Okay, so I did this. I said it's not out. It's not out. It's gone. I got to shake it.

Starting point is 00:38:43 And, it's in my hair. Okay, all right. Mom, there's something. Mom, there's something. I had to do it. It's gone. I gotta shake it and come okay. All right mom I had to do it. I had to do it. Let's do it. I don't want to try it. Just try it. I can't Just try it. Try it. Go close our eyes. One two three. Mommy That's good. That's kind of that was hot. Uh-oh. My pants moved. All right mom, I something wrong with your car in the garage. You have to come look at it. What the fuck do you mean? Something's wrong with my car. You're horrible. I'm sorry, I fucked it up. Look at this. Door open.

Starting point is 00:39:13 Oh! Oh my god! He's son-way-son-go-me-a-car! We son-go-me-a-car! My son got me a new car! That's good for you, hun. Isn't this amazing? Our son is the best. Proud of you, son. Thanks for doing that. Thanks, It's good for you, huh? Isn't this amazing? Our son is the best.

Starting point is 00:39:26 Proud of you, son. Thanks for doing that. Thanks, Dad. I love you, Dad. I'm gonna go get a... I'm gonna get a sandwich. I'll be... I'm gonna...

Starting point is 00:39:34 You okay, Dad? No, I'm good, man. What's going on, Pop? I got... I'm gonna sit in my chair. Is something in your throat? Nah. That's how you think he felt?

Starting point is 00:39:44 I missed the phone call with his friend after. That's how you think he felt. And this the phone call with his friend after. Nah, I'm happy for her. No, she deserves it. But you know, baseball, basketball, the way he runs. He used to run like the chick from taking. Now he runs like a man because of me. Yeah?

Starting point is 00:40:01 And now I'm driving around a fucking Jeep. This broads in a fucking brand new beamer. This is Hollywood. This is Hollywood. Yeah, this is Chicago. He's got a fucking rose voice. And I got a she's got a beamer. I got a fucking. Now he's coming. Okay. Okay. So I'll call you back. Hey, hey son. How are you? See, yeah, he reacted the way he should have reacted. Like what? Thank you for doing that. Yeah, that's what he said. Thank you for doing that. Thank you for doing that.

Starting point is 00:40:26 Because he, no, he doesn't have to buy your car. Right. So, you know, I did everybody a favor. Okay. He was happy about it. I guarantee he was inside. He went like this. No, I will say this.

Starting point is 00:40:37 Yeah. There's no jokes here. Yeah. My dad might be the most like selfless dude. He is the guy that will buy you the thing and then not buy him the thing. Let's say we went to a hotel. I have your dad right now. Call him up. I'm gonna call him up. If we went to a hotel and they were like we have two nice rooms

Starting point is 00:40:52 and one dog shit room. He'd be like you guys do the nice. Yeah, he did that his whole life and now it was time to get a little payback and you stuck it to him again. What's wrong with the time? Be Muhammad slacks. I thought that was nice. I'm gonna talk to him right now. Here we go. Here we go. He's calling my father. I'm calling your dad. Hello. Are you gonna answer for you, bud? Yup, no. I don't know if he's gonna. Why wouldn't my dad?

Starting point is 00:41:10 I said, dad answer. I just texted him, dip. Hey. Hey. Hey, what's up, Mr. Santino? Hey, yeah. Yeah, how you doing, buddy? Listen, real quick.

Starting point is 00:41:19 I'm just gonna ask you something. I'm just gonna ask you something. I'm just gonna ask you something. I'm just gonna ask you something. I'm just gonna ask you something. I'm just gonna ask you something. I'm just gonna ask you something. I'm just gonna ask you something. I'm just gonna ask you something. I'm just gonna Hey. Hey. Hey, what's up, Mr. Santino? Hey, yeah. It's a party, right? Yeah, how you doing, buddy?

Starting point is 00:41:28 Listen, real quick, I know you had a good Christmas and you got some stuff. I gotta ask you personally, when your son gave your wife that brand new car, I know you were happy and it's all good and you love your family, and that's great. I love that, she loved it, it was amazing. Now, did that make you sad at all that you got a pair of pants? And she got a car?

Starting point is 00:41:52 It was a nice pair of pants. It was a very nice pair of pants. I know, but we're your sad a little bit inside. A little bit, yeah. Okay, thanks, buddy. I'll talk to you later, man. I'm coming down in a couple weeks for Smokeless to Gar, okay? And I got to give, I got to see you later, man. I'm coming out in a couple weeks for smoke a cigar, okay? And I got I got I got to see then I got a gift I won of course I got a gift for you in a couple weeks, okay? I got it for you. You got it buddy You've got to get better people to call I mean that was one of some of the worst And even changes voice was that it was shit the best autistic artistic Danny I mean Danny change your voice I mean that was the odds of him and your dad having a tongue too big for their mouth Yeah, daddy. It made me sad what I mean I'm stunned at how bad it was I

Starting point is 00:42:47 Apologize I my core got you throw that in his face do it you put it on we're on your head my god same voice I mean what? Yeah, is this Bobby? He says He answered the phone like you know it's Bobby. He called you. He answered the phone like this. I was watching him. He goes Panic Panic panic I love you. Oh my he's funny. He's great by the way. He is great. He's great. That was very good In fact a true comedic genius would just say that that's the bit the bit is that I don't change my voice I don't have any skills towards this. I have to just go right into who I am and still be me.

Starting point is 00:43:26 And you be you. Yeah, you be you. And you stay right in that chair for the rest of your career. Stop that. You're going, you know what? One day Bobby will be opening for you. Mark my words.

Starting point is 00:43:37 Why would you say that? It's true. What the fuck? I know. I don't like it. Why would you say that? Okay. I didn't say, hey, it's not.

Starting point is 00:43:44 Well, I'll be opening up for Max, and this is just how the fucking world works. Look at this guy, Max, it, Max stand up. This guy's gonna sell out a rena. He is standing. That's an arena someday. Look at that face, that guy was selling a rena. Really?

Starting point is 00:43:54 You think the sweat hogs are coming back in? I think, you think Horshack is gonna be a big thing in a couple of years? You're selling out a rena's Max. What a rena. What? What, at a dog show? He's gonna sandbox yeah Is he selling you know what both of you guys can eat your fucking words max

Starting point is 00:44:09 Yeah, and you're on the road killing it and you're selling I want you to remember this moment go You know Bobby and Liz really fucked me over. Yeah, I thought I was shit I want you remember that and I don't remember that when you open up the black hole to a multiverse to get to that world Okay, fucking asshole to a multiverse to get to that world, okay? Fuck it, asshole. I support you, Max. Thank you. What about Danny? So, uh, you know, are you on the road anytime soon?

Starting point is 00:44:31 You wanna take little Max out with you? You support him so much? Yeah, Max, I'll take you on a road. All right, you're gonna take Danny and Max. I'll take Danny and Max and Montserrat Leconco. You're gonna take all three of them on the road. Damn, Max, how much time can you do? 40.

Starting point is 00:44:42 20, what? 20, 20 minutes. Liz what? 20. 20 minutes. Liz. So me. So honest. Right away she goes four. She goes she even skip a beat four. She goes 20 what?

Starting point is 00:44:54 21. Literally disgusted. Max can you can you can you really do 20? I feature that the comedy catch and Chattanooga. Ooh. For who for who? I'm a For random. For random guy.

Starting point is 00:45:06 Oh, that's really rude and disrespectful to somebody that you opened for. Some random guy. Some guy that was a headliner and you were like, fuck this guy. I got 4, 20 minutes. That's not. Max, do you do self-deprecating stuff?

Starting point is 00:45:22 Look at him. Yeah. What's he going to do? I know, fucking ego things. You know the amount of pussy I get. Yeah, you know, he look at my face. I can't keep these whores away. That is like that. Max, you are a godsend and you're gonna be headlining

Starting point is 00:45:39 arenas in no time. Andrew Santino called it right here. How many years? Six. 16. 16. When he. How many years? Six. 16. 16. When he sings, he lies. Six. Six.

Starting point is 00:45:49 16. How many for daddy? How many years? Headlining? Yeah, headlining arenas. Oh, arenas? Yeah, wow. Four.

Starting point is 00:45:57 Four years. How about mozzarella? mozzarella ain't making it to a ring. mozzarella you're doing 5,000 seed theaters max. You're tapping out at five thousand seats And you're gonna be sad about it. Let me tell you something. I hope that happens. I hope they all me too Yeah, but I hope it doesn't happen for you I hope it goes the other way and me you are sitting there opening for them We're still doing the comedy catch and chat nougat while these guys are

Starting point is 00:46:18 Smash and I never even heard of the comedy catch that's if you know do you know that? No, never heard bring up comedy catch. can we see what it looks like from the outside I let me can I guess real fast got a strip mall uh strip mall and it used to be yeah it used to be like a Claire's or something like that okay before you bring it I'm gonna guess I'm gonna guess it's uh brick like a castle oh castle yeah it's like what do you guess I feel like it's a castle or some oh you're going on mind okay do that you can't do that you're gonna do something else but I think it's freestanding freestanding oh I think it's a castle or some sort of. Oh, you're going on mine. Okay, do that kid. You can't do that. You're gonna do something else. I think it's free standing.

Starting point is 00:46:46 Free standing. Ooh, I think it's free standing. You think free standing. A brick and mortar? Yeah, because it's a brick and mortar. I think it's brick and mortar. I think it's free standing. This is in an old strip mall and it used to be a FedEx

Starting point is 00:46:55 kinkos and they went out of business. Real estate is cheap, man. Show me what it is, baby. Show us what it is. Show me comedy catch. I mean brick. Animal. I mean brick animal. I mean Is it a strip mall is it a strip mall man? I was it standing alone. It's kind of a strip all

Starting point is 00:47:10 It's kind of where do you have with a bunch of old trains just lying around damn we trains and we should have thought of trains Chattanooga to do stinking this fuck what we doing. I don't know. I was thinking castle You know why London? Little Max can you pull up their calendar? Can we see who's headlining there? I put me ladies and gentlemen You know what? We're being mean. We'll be there soon. We won't be and I are gonna co-headline comedy catch April 4th Yeah, we're getting a hundred percent of the door chase. Okay, Jeff. Okay, here we go. Go back. I'll go back up go up We got Jeff leason do is he good? I don't know. I don't know. Sean Finner. Finner. Finner. The name is from her. Finner. He sounds familiar for a fritter. Finner D. Final gram. K. I know Graham. Yeah, Graham's great. Jerry Harvey. Uh, uh,

Starting point is 00:48:05 Ella May. We know Jason Chaney. I don't know Jason. Uh, Katie K. He did Adam Hunter. I know. Yeah, we he's been around Steve boss. I know him. Who's Landry? I love that. I love that. I love when you pinch and zoom on Landry. Pinch and Jim. You got a max. You got a, do you have a Mac over there? No, no, it's a PC. Yeah another hit on this show Yeah, I know we gotta get rid of this computer

Starting point is 00:48:28 Yeah, what do you what do you have to do? Yeah to zoom in do you have to do like click three buttons it? Oh my god That's layers. Yeah, but you know you could use the keyboard. Can you teach him with the keyboard the can't throw all the shortcuts plus control plus control plus control plus Landry Jen cobble Jen cobble cobble cobbler Jeff Jeff go to the other way go the other way go the other way you went that way already go the other way go down Ron fine John I know I know him funny. I know big J big Irish I know big J I like big J. Oh, oh, oh, oh big Irish J. Yeah big J big Irish J Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Okay. Well, don't disrespect. I mean, I'm just saying shall be bell Shelley belly. Okay. Look. I'm not being paused for a second. Yeah, I'm not being mean.

Starting point is 00:49:07 I'm not. Why would you have two names on your to sell? Just shelly Belly Michelle Ryder? Just be one of the two, you have to pick. How about this? Isn't that the special engagement too? Shelly Belly. Well, I'm sorry, maybe I'm out of bounds.

Starting point is 00:49:20 I just think you don't wanna be Bobby Kelly, you know, goofy Rufy. You know what I mean? I to be Bobby Kelly, you know, goofy Rufi. You know what I mean? I would love to see. I would love to see. You are the goofy Rufi. That is your whole thing. Yeah, that's my thing back in the old.

Starting point is 00:49:30 It's the 80s. You don't need to promote ball. I have to go up and do a thing and I sprinkle stuff on the grinks. And then Bobby Kelly, the goofy Rufi is a guy. I guys doing nice to see you. See you a little later. I think you just don't need both names.

Starting point is 00:49:43 But what about Jack Jr.? Do you really need Jr.? Yeah, you're just. How about your last name? Had last name. I think you just don't need both names, but what about Jack Jr.? Do you really need Jr.? Yeah, you're just happy. How about your last name? I had last name. I would go for a last name. Brandon Vastav. I know him.

Starting point is 00:49:51 I love Brandon Vastav. He's a great dude. Very funny. So look, how many cast I got some great guys? Er, comedy, whatever it is. What is it called? Chaginook, Chaginook, Chaginook. It's Chattanooga, Comedy, Collect,

Starting point is 00:50:01 Chavron. Collective. Collective, kick, kick, call. Well, the irony is how, why would they put it next all these trains with All these autistic comedians coming and going probably never make it inside Your headliner is outside staring at a B4275 screaming down the tracks We almost may never see him this weekend. I

Starting point is 00:50:24 Mean why would they do that? No. No. No. No. Ah, wow. I fucking love you. I love you too.

Starting point is 00:50:34 Oh my God. But also, and I'm not worth it. I get it. Well, let's just say we're not being diminutive toward that club. God bless that club. No, God bless the club. Yes.

Starting point is 00:50:41 Keep killing it and keep booking Max. Yeah. Little Max, he's got to get back out there. I mean, they didn't really book Max. Maybe they did. Max, it and keep booking Max. Yeah, little Max. He's got to get back out there. I mean, they didn't really book Max Maybe they did They book you Max, yeah, but I'm gonna take you Max on the road Yeah, can we put Max Danny and what's the name on the pussy cat next to my planet? Yeah, each for like two minutes. Okay. Four. How about four? Let her do it. Let her do a thing

Starting point is 00:51:02 You think you're gonna you think this is gonna work We rock paper scissors to see who hosts. Oh her do her thing. Okay. You think this is going to work? We rock paper scissors to see who hosts. Ooh, that's good. Who do you think would host? Out of these three? Yeah. Host. Who would host?

Starting point is 00:51:14 Who had the best hosting ability? Um. Autistic. He can keep time really well. He's never off. Yeah, but he never gets off because if the joke doesn't work, he just keeps going to one works. Oh, that wasn't good.

Starting point is 00:51:24 I'm going to do one more. We know a lot of people. One more. One more. One more. You just keep shifting weight back and forth. So come on. All right so maybe you host. Maybe yeah maybe but I bet you mozzarella's person. Great. I'm telling the personality. Can you tell them the funny the funny joke about the Chinese please? Oh this is my favorite joke. Oh careful. Bye. Because once I've heard this guy say stuff before about Chinese people Don't you I'll go ahead man to bury yourself. Are you aren't you protected? Look at him, but he imagine are you protected? Oh, yeah? Yeah Yeah, you put imagine he gets on the mic right away. You go tell the Chinese joke and he goes oh, and he just breaks off

Starting point is 00:52:00 If he was funny, he would I would die if you did if you have fun, you would do that all right All that. All right, all right. Tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us. All right, here we go my Rumeit he dates a lot of Asian girls Like I never figure out why and I finally asked him hey, what's with all the Asian girls? I'll never forget what he said. I'm Chinese This is good. I like I think it's a fun joke. I think it's a great joke. Yeah, what that's great I think it's a great joke Danny. Do you have a joke you want to try? Try it if it doesn't matter if it doesn't matter even a little bit You don't even have to look us in the eyes look down he can't I used to work at Costco I was I handed out samples the other day I was in the back you need a fuck I'm okay it's okay you start again you're good the other day I was in the

Starting point is 00:52:57 back you need samples and today I found out my coworker was anti-semitic she looks me in the eye she goes eat more chicken you fucking Jew was like whoa because as a Jew I was offended I I was like that's chick-fully slogan Okay, Max your turn you're up. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it I didn't like it look at it in the stand-up world. You don't get to do over He should have been You know what what he got nervous. Hey, you know? You made him fucking nervous. I didn't do nothing. You're pressing my-

Starting point is 00:53:26 No, I said, he knows it's a superstar. You know, that's what I think. You are a superstar, right? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll be not super. I think it's super. Come on, little one, let's go. Come on, let's go.

Starting point is 00:53:34 Uh, this is what I've never donated blood, because you have to be six feet tall to donate semen, and if you don't want my cum, you don't get my blood. Like this guy sick, he's disgusting. I like that joke. Twisted, that's a good joke. I mean, what the fuck?

Starting point is 00:53:44 Honestly, that's a pretty good joke. Thank you. It's a great joke. Yeah, I mean what the fuck? Honestly, that's a pretty that's a really good joke. Yeah, it's a great joke It's an angry little man. Yeah, but his face he looks like an ankle-biter When you say that with a smile, it's it's like serial killer. Yeah You know, there's a my see me. Yeah, he looks like a little tiny like Satan lover. Yes, you know what I mean? That All those were great jokes. You guys, give it up for the boys. Put it up for the boys.

Starting point is 00:54:08 I like the boys. Put the boys very good. All right, well you're touring now at your arena tour. He'll be with them. Yeah, I'll be on your arena tour, Max. And one of you will get a car at the end of the tour. Imagine if Max came out in his arena tour, just said that joke.

Starting point is 00:54:20 They lost their fucking mind and he left. That's it. That was it. You know, it deserved my se he left. That's it. That was it. You know deserve my Seaman Losing it people just punching each other. He's the funniest motherfucker. I've ever seen The best man was it from the 30s ever shoot Who's that accent come from well, why did they come like that then anyway? That's not my fault Yeah, Braxfist said Tiffany's remember white rich women had a

Starting point is 00:54:44 Yeah, breakfast at Tiffany's remember white rich women had a Access hello George hello George a spot. Can you give me a please a little tea and for my guest a cigarette? What do they call it back then they called it a cigarette no? You're not gonna get me Handsold Mr. F*** red. I know you're trying to do. You want a documentary about me. It's not happening. No, I don't. Robert Kelly. Look at this.

Starting point is 00:55:08 Is he a racist? No. That's an old guy. He's Robert Kelly, a bigot. Yeah, a bigot. Bigot, what does bigot mean? I don't know. I'm a goodlet, little one.

Starting point is 00:55:18 I did, there it is. He got it. I was waiting. He got it. Bigot, bigot, sound cleaner than racist. What? Well, when someone says that guy's a bigot, bigot, sound meaner than racists. What? Bigot? Well, when someone says that guy's a bigot, it sounds like it means more than racists.

Starting point is 00:55:28 Racists is like, everybody can be racists. Yeah. What is a bigot? Max, pull it up. Because I want to know what the difference of a bigot is. A bigot. Reject bigot. But let's be honest with each other.

Starting point is 00:55:38 I love that they just bring up the word bigot. He puts up in, he Google image search. Bring him, bring him to definition. What does it say? Read it. Read it because we can't see a baby boy. He knows a person who Upstance Lee, but let us see it too. Don't make our senses. I mean let us see it and you read it a person small

Starting point is 00:55:53 I just shut up and read it. Oh my god A person who Upstainly are unreasonably attached to belief belief opinion or a faction, especially one who is prejudiced against antagonistic towards a person or people based on their membership of a particular group. How is that different from racist? Come on, let's get racist now. Because it's only race-based?

Starting point is 00:56:16 Because this is, they can be of any kind of group. Or maybe it's because they're so antagonistic. I rise by someone showing prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism against a person of the basis of the members of the particular racial group. So racism is you hate someone just based on race. Bigotry is I hate you because the group you belong to. Then everybody's a bigot.

Starting point is 00:56:34 Why is everybody a bigot? You hate some group. There's no way you don't hate something other people. Well, what if you hate bigots? You're a bigot. Oh, wow. You're a bigot against bigots. Is that a thing?

Starting point is 00:56:45 It's gotta be. Yeah. Why not? Yeah. You can be a bigot against people who are against racism. Bigot against people who are against racism. Right, so you love racism. Yeah, you love, like I'm sure the clooks of clan is like,

Starting point is 00:56:59 hey, fuck you. Yeah. I hate your group. What's your group? Oh, we don't like racism. Right. You guys are assholes. Yeah, I hate your group. What's your group? We don't like racism. Right, you guys are assholes. You've never tried to join, have you?

Starting point is 00:57:10 The Cluclec's clan? Yeah. Ah, wow. Well, I could drive. I am, no, I just asked if you ever tried. I'm half, I'm a minority. What, what? Have you ever done your 23 in me?

Starting point is 00:57:22 I haven't had the house, I'm afraid to do it. His calling Quinn said that my great, great grandma those raped on the chibber pass Yep, and I don't want to find out that my grandma was a whore in Egypt. Well, she was but you don't know that I have your 23 and me Everyone sent that around is on a group thread. We don't even know what you are because you don't look you know You want oh you don't know what I am Oh, you don't know what I am. You don't. You don't. What are you?

Starting point is 00:57:44 I am half Italian and half Irish and don't question. You're not, you're not. You're not. Let me tell you something. You're not my grandmother, my grandfather. Yeah. Our brothers and sisters. First of all, so I know exactly my, I think.

Starting point is 00:57:59 I'll tell you right now. Both sets of my grandparents were related as told. So I know exactly,'m 50 50 50 50 I'm 50 50 pal buddy. Let me tell you something to my grandfather married his sister My grandparents are both from the same part of Ireland. Yeah, so we're their parents. Okay my dad. Yeah him and his parents Almost the same thing except different parts of Sicily, but they're from Sicily. Okay, Sicilian Sicilians. Yeah, and if you know anything about Sicilians you will rape by the Moors. All right Tell me who art me. You see how I said are I save him some edits

Starting point is 00:58:42 I just said I mean we said cunt 85 I mean, we said, cut 85 times. Well, we got to blank that out. And the more you do that, it's harder. It's not saying, it's not the cut. I'm saying it! You said it again! I said, don't say the cut.

Starting point is 00:58:52 Don't say anything else. Santino, stop. All right, edit it out. You're cut. Don't. Santino, right? It costs me money. Everything I'm going to do that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I don't see the twinkle in your eye. You little dough. You're saying little what?

Starting point is 00:59:05 You're like the cut fairy right now. Sorry. Listen. You're not, you're not, there's something else in you. Fine. But let's, you know what? Just like the old days. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:18 Do we have to know? When's the old days? You know, 90s we really need to know. Yeah. Yeah. days. Yeah. Do we have to know? What, when the, when's the old days? Well, you know, 90s, we really need to know what you are. Yeah, why do I want to know? I like what I think I know.

Starting point is 00:59:34 What do you think you know? Do you remember the movie Big Fish? Do you remember that movie? I do. I love that fucking movie. Is that the moment the fish? It's the big fish. When it goes and gets the big fish out of the lake.

Starting point is 00:59:43 The big fucking fish out of the lake. Yeah, who is that? Who is that guy? Who cares? Obi-Wan Kenobi, right? Boji Nahn. Yeah, Boji Nahn's brother. Boji Nahn, right? Boji Nahn. He he talks about in the film. He's like, maybe that's how my dad remembered the story, but baby That's not the real way. So what? If the way you remember it was nice, then it's fine If I think I'm a F I wish I ever telling and that's what my grandparents said even though they might have been lying a little bit Who gives a fuck? Okay bit who gives a fuck okay Who gives a fuck a lot of he there's no guinea there?

Starting point is 01:00:09 Yes, I yes, I am you don't have any I got a guinea cock Bobby. What's a guinea cock? No, what I do let's see max pull up a guinea cock pull it up I know what a guinea stop before you pull it up. Let's guess what it looks like I guess it's uncircumcized and looks like Ari Shafir's nose. It's great. Bring up an Italian penis. Bring up an Italian, if I have Max BC, it's already been searched.

Starting point is 01:00:35 He's like, how could that be in there? It's as if they know what we're saying. There you go, there's an Italian penis. There's a guinea cock. That's really, you know what? Maybe you aren't telling me. Tell me my dick doesn't look like that. That's exactly what you're speckled and spotted in orange on the bottom. Yeah, that is your gig absolutely my cock.

Starting point is 01:00:51 That is exactly my case, Your Honor. Yeah, try cancel that Instagram. That's a guinea cock. And I can say guinea cock because that's a Ginicock. Show the Ginicock. That's San Pino's Ginicock. This is very good. This is a Jimmy Fallon bit though. He's like, well, what were we saying Ginicock? It's a real Ginicock. I got the Ginicock.

Starting point is 01:01:14 And the roots are like, Ginicock is Ginicock. Anyway, that's my Ginicock. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, Boom, ba, ha, ha. This has been the best podcast you guys have done in a long time. Yeah, we had a good one. Because this is fun. This is fun. You're fun. Can I say something to you? What does YKWD mean?

Starting point is 01:01:31 It means you know YDIC. You kill YDIC. It's hard to not go to DIC the with the you wait uh you yellow yellow yellow kites kikes come on will you oh my god hi wife is right there did I say the other thing kites oh kites cut that out sorry guys oh shit kites you mother fucker you trick me into being no I did not yeah you did white Replay it his mouth like this. No You're a fucking yellow kites

Starting point is 01:02:13 Whisp daintily hmm. Nope your Knowing what does no doesn't finish doesn't finish what he got is Your kids will die. Oh my god new name for the podcast your kids will die your kids will die if you watch this That's great. I fucking, she's so smart. She is very smart. Oh, we're like, dick, no dick will, why? We went right to the...

Starting point is 01:02:49 We went right to stupid stuff. We're dumb. With Silly. Well, it means you know what, dude. Because when I talk, I usually... I know. Wow. I just wanted to play with you.

Starting point is 01:02:58 I just wanted to play with you. Well, watch this. This is what we did back in box. How's that? Can I tell you? I was called the Whistling Dixie. Do that again, I'm pressing charges. Really? Do it again, I'm pressing charges. I have that's. I didn't do it. Put your phone down. We'll do it again then. I didn't do it. Okay.. Dude put the phone down put emergency call put the phone down

Starting point is 01:03:28 Yeah, put your hands down Please put your hands down slowly Slowly take your shirt off Unzip your pants now. Do you know who made me come on your ass? I was perfect. I was perfect circle. What are you doing in New York? I wanted to come here to just feel the city. And while I'm moving here in May, are you, what?

Starting point is 01:03:54 Not permanently, but for three or four months. You're not gonna leave. You have a place? Real comic. What part of the city you move to? City? No, no, no, no. Brooklyn, that city? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no And we love it. We're gonna be moving downtown. We'll be close to this. We'll be close to here.

Starting point is 01:04:27 Are you gonna be down to it? Okay, so I'll be downtown somewhere. I'm so happy to tell the people where I'm gonna be. I can't tell the kids. I'll tell you guys. That's fine. Well, we don't need to know exactly. I'll be downtown.

Starting point is 01:04:37 That's all I see. I mean, what he's saying is he's moving into a $10,000 month apartment. Big deal. Yeah, everybody's getting cars now. Can I tell you something? What he's saying is he's moving into a $10,000 month apartment. Oh, big deal. That's what he said, Bob. Yeah, everybody's getting cars now. Can I tell you something? Please.

Starting point is 01:04:48 No, that's the budget is somewhere in, I think, monthly, I said, I'm willing to go to 60. I said 60K or 6070K. That's fair. What am I, Tim Dylan? I said 60K. I'll do it. Fuck it.

Starting point is 01:05:04 I'll do it. We're moving somewhere downtown do it. Yeah. We're moving somewhere downtown and I'm excited. Me and Bobby Lee are doing a tour. The reason I came to New York was because I was in Boston for years and I said, I might as well do there. Come say hi. We can see some of the neighborhoods because she doesn't. She doesn't know it as well. I don't know it that well, but I know it much more than she does. I know it. Liz knows it. Well, no shit. Well, you could ask for help. No, but I wanted to walk around and because I think people's perception is like only one thing.

Starting point is 01:05:29 And I was like, because she goes, I'm into moving there, but I need to really kind of understand it. And I was like, what you think you know of the thing? I promise it won't be that in the neighborhoods that we will live. So I showed and she was like, ah, yes, this makes more sense. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:41 Because I think even her, she was like, that's so daunting. I was like, dude, we're not living where you know it to be daunting. You're not moving to Times Square. Yes. Because I think even her, she was like, that's so daunting. I was like, dude, we're not living where you know it to be daunting. You're not moving to Times Square. Yes, and I think what she sees when the times that she has been all over the city, it probably feels like a knowing and overwhelming. And then you go to a few other spots,

Starting point is 01:05:57 and you're like, this is not that. See how this is not that? Because she's not used to it. Fuck them, don't. Matsurella, don't. I guess I know. Anyway, oh, it is. Oh, never mind. Never mind. Never mind. No, probably. Yeah, they're going. I think they're doing. Yeah, they are. Also, what I was. So what I'm saying is I'm promoting my special comes out January 10th. Yes. Netflix. Netflix. Netflix. Why I did it. Netflix. Watch my special on Netflix. January 10th.

Starting point is 01:06:22 And then me. So you have to have something in you to get a Netflix special You can't just be white no no no no no it's it's yeah, I showed him my guinea cock. Is that the name of the special? I wish is it getting respect man. I wish what is it the name of the special is called cheeseburger cheeseburger? I swear to God people will see it. They'll understand why I don't want to give away why there's a there's a thing in the middle that tells you exactly why. Is it because when I got the cheeseburger you put me in the special. Uh, yep. Is that why you a video? It's just footage of you eating a cheeseburger in my car for an hour. So I'm doing that. And then and then January, yeah, January 10th is special. And then I came to do pods promote, do show the neighborhoods. And then me and Bobby Lee

Starting point is 01:07:01 are doing a tour April March and April. We're doing a bad friends tour. I'm coming out to LA the 18th. Wait, what? I went to Wednesday and Thursday. Wait, why? January. What are you doing? I'm going to come out.

Starting point is 01:07:13 I'm going to do a... Are you doing some shows? I was going to do a podcast. Are you going to be around? Maybe I'll do you and Bobby. No. I'm going to be in Paris. What?

Starting point is 01:07:22 Yeah. What? I'm going to be in Paris. With who? Do you really Paris. What? Yeah. What? I'm gonna be in Paris. With who? Do you really wanna know? Yeah. There's a little boy that I hang out with. I got it. You know what?

Starting point is 01:07:31 No, no, no. No. Stop it. No, stop. His name is Chris Hunt. Not listen. And he's my little toy around boy toy. And I think I'm wherever I wanna go.

Starting point is 01:07:42 And sometimes, and he's been a good, good, and I say boy, he's, oh, he's 48. And he's tiny, he's a small man. And he says, I want to go to Bic to France and I was like, all right, a little fucking bitch, you know? So I got to take a little bitch back to France and drop, I've had him here for 20 years. I'm not sure. So I got to take my little, I'm going there for a gig thing.

Starting point is 01:08:01 You're doing show in Paris. Not really, I'm doing like a, I'm doing, I can't describe it. I really don't know how to describe it on. Are they paying you? Yeah, I can't legally tell you what it is. Why? But it's a thing. Why can't you legally? Oh, because the 300 people that hear this might fucking get back around to the thing and I might get deep shit. All right, is it good? No. But I gotta do it. What are you on a movie again? What's the next movie? I'm in a movie called House Partied that comes out January 19th. It's like all black people on me.

Starting point is 01:08:26 It's great. Almost the first movie. I swear to God, bring up the flyer. I just did a movie with Kevin Hart. What movie? Kevin Hart. I just did a movie with Kevin Hart. There's the second highest-view Netflix movie in the last year.

Starting point is 01:08:35 Oh, a Netflix movie. He's a huge movie star. I bring up the poster. They'll go to Images Max. Look at this. Let me tell you something. What the fuck? All black people chef for your boy

Starting point is 01:08:50 You like it all in Benjamin you're that you're gonna yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's good man. Yeah, that's right That's good. There are you let me where are you guys? Which one which one are you on the post to make it big? Which one I can't see it? Wait, let me see I can't I can't see it. I know but this uh This Lenovo PC or whatever the fuck you guys are working on it What possible to zoom in can we get another computer? I mean this is not just link who's who's is that suit control Plus or something that makes it just go your mother Well anyway, there it is that's good. That's awesome. That's all that comes out in the 19th I think oh there you are right there a little orange man Oh, the orange man. Is it like house party one?

Starting point is 01:09:27 It's it is a kid in place. It is a rebirth of house part remake. Rebirth remake. They call it rebirth remake though. Well, it's a remake. It's a rebirth. It but it's a you're making those same movie. Not remake. So it's a remake because it not it didn't get made. It got birthed. Well, it was made. Okay. Someone's not Hollywood. What? Ah, you're got it right. I'm not fucking up here under a light with you. Well, you go to Paris and buy cars. Sorry. You know what? I got my mom. I got our toaster oven. No, she gave it to my sister.

Starting point is 01:09:57 That's the move. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, She gave it to my sister. Why did you see at that point you just don't give them anything? What? Because that's... Don't call them them. Well, they's... No, he died three years ago. Who did? It's her. Everyone's dead? No, my mom is fine.

Starting point is 01:10:12 Bobby's family. God bless. Thanks. Hold it, your mom. Uh, she's... Jai, I don't know. She's got to be up there, right? No, no, no, no.

Starting point is 01:10:20 She never tells me. She hasn't told me in 40 years. Well, 40 years ago. Can I see your phone? You're real fast for me. I want to call years. Well, 40 years ago, I see your phone real fast for my mom, open it up. Just open up the phone real fast. We're not going to do anything disgusting. I listen to me. It'll be fun for the show. Just let me try one thing real fast.

Starting point is 01:10:34 Please say Tito. I can't do that. I'm not going to do anything, buddy. You do a pop-up with Bobby Lee, but if I tell you what the bit is, you're going to be like, it's ruined. Okay. So here, ready? Yeah. I'm nervous. And look, I can even show you what the bit is you're gonna be like it's ruined. Okay, so here ready Yeah, I'm nervous and look I can even show you

Starting point is 01:10:46 You'll even see Calling your mom Fuck. Fuck. Hello. Oh, is this Bobby's mom? Or is this someone answering the phone for Bobby? Oh, this is Bobby's mom. Hey, Bobby's mom.

Starting point is 01:11:17 Are you sick? Yeah, you know, I'm a little sick, you know, sick of being a Bobby's mom. You're sick of being Bobby's mom. Yeah, you sound like you're stuffy. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. I have a mom. Mama's your tongue still swollen?

Starting point is 01:11:32 All right. Well, I just wanted to tell you that I respect you and I love you even if your son doesn't. Okay, Bobby's mom. Okay, thank you. Who is this? Okay, goodbye. God, dude, your mom sounds sick.

Starting point is 01:11:48 As dumb as your dad. Listen, man, go check everything this guy. Please go watch the special on Netflix. I appreciate it. Fucking funny, dude. Thank you, I love it. So I can't believe we've met three times. Yeah. No, twice. twice. We've only met twice

Starting point is 01:12:06 I feel like I know I love time. We talked to each other like we're best friends. I know I love it Yeah, we face time and when I was in bed I faced time to and then he was on with his wife and yeah, made me feel good. He faced time me shirtless My wife was like, why are you calling people from the bed? And I said I called one person Yeah, and it was bk. It was the BK logo. That's our new podcast, BK. BK, BK. Well, what was the one she said?

Starting point is 01:12:29 Your kids will die. Yeah, your kids will die. And you come in to New York, you're moving to New York. That's awesome. Yep. Can't wait for you to be here. I'm excited. And then what else?

Starting point is 01:12:38 And you got a special, and you got a tour going with Bobby Lee. Me and Bobby, and their podcast is fucking hilarious. Listen to my friends. Listen to Whiskey Ginger. Go to badfriendspod.com for tickets and then go see, go see the special on Netflix. If you have it, if you don't steal a code from somebody, please watch it.

Starting point is 01:12:52 Now I'll give you my code and go get kill box. It's right there. He's bringing up kill box October 8th. I don't know why. What's October 8th? I don't know what it's doing. Go to Louisiana. Yeah, go get go watch kill box for Bobby.

Starting point is 01:13:02 Yeah. He is one of the funniest people I've ever seen. Go buy it. Yeah. Also buy the merch kill box for Bobby. Yeah, he is one of the funniest people I've ever seen go buy it. Yeah, also By the merch at comic wearables dot com comic wearables dot com. Please. I gotta I gotta do this one thing real quick before we leave Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Yeah, listen guide types presents go check them out there They put the boner back into the podcast Paralyzed pause cast fucking universe. They got great shows like family jewels and a trivia-based drinking game God types presents I ever think of my patreon where you can for a hundred bucks

Starting point is 01:13:30 You can I promote whatever you want and this is another podcast. That's a very smart But they're really good. So go check them out guys time present the network their network the network I anyways, I want to ask you a couple questions. We have a couple questions for you Okay, go ready. Yeah max hit him Into the mic max. I know So Lou says What's your favorite drink? This is for Andrew favorite drink alcoholic or non-alcoholic? I mean ask me one of the two do you know what I mean? Yeah alcoholic. It's so funny when a guy was like

Starting point is 01:14:01 I mean, ask me one of the two. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, alcoholic. It's so funny when a guy was like, he's like, what's your favorite city in the United States? And or outside of the United? It's just fucking, he asked me one. What's my favorite alcoholic drink? Yeah. Whiskey.

Starting point is 01:14:14 Yeah, that's too easy. My favorite non-alcoholic drink is a more intriguing question. And that genuinely would be, um, I think that would be an Arnold Palmer. That's my favorite. Not in Goholic. Good. Love and Arnie. That's a good one. I think it's the perfect drink. Because it just it satisfies and also if you do want to put booze in it if you get sick of just drinking regular. Pour it in. Yeah but it's got a little sweet and it's got the tea. No harm, no bang. Yep. And it looks pretty. All right,

Starting point is 01:14:42 next question. All right from James Holland Holland how red can the red rockets Cheeto get These are for into my penis. Yeah, and let me tell you some James Holland was it. Yeah, I think once you fuck around and find out James Once you come to a show be a fan buy a ticket buy two drinks be quiet be nice laugh have fun after the show go Hey, it's me J.H. I'll know it's you I'll give you the wink I'll give you my hotel key I'm gonna pump the shit out of you then you can find out personally for yourself James Holland is James a man I think so perfect and then when you suck it make sure you call it you're a good guinea car you're a good guinea car oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Yeah, I've do When you blow me is that it? James Holland had another one. God damn James does Bobby Lee know he's being cheated on with New York. Yeah, he does he knows and he doesn't have a choice what the fuck is he gonna do but move here and I told him there's a

Starting point is 01:15:34 China down here to I mean that's fucked up. Well, why? Little Italy. Little Italy. It's right. I'm little Italy. He's little China. Big trouble little China by little Italy. That was the movie. Is that the last James Holland trouble little China by literally. That was the movie.

Starting point is 01:15:45 Is that the last James Holland shout out to James Holland? That was the last James Holland. As you anymore, you just won more by Steven Scales. I want to know. Oh, I love Steven Scales. What a novelist. Steven Scales. That's not a gay porn star. I don't know who it is. Steven Scales. This question is, one day a year calories don't count and you can't get fat. What are you eating? One year,, one day your calories don't count. And you can't get fat.

Starting point is 01:16:05 What are you eating? One year, one day of your calories don't count. What am I eating? Um, I'm having a, uh, Portillo's combo sandwich from Chicago where I'm from, which is an Italian beef inside of an Italian sausage inside of an Italian beef sandwich dipped in the fucking grease with cheese fries and chocolate cake and 64 ounces of coke That's my that's my if I could if I could I Would okay, but I gotta tell you something you should cobble people what with the dipped sandwich Okay, don't be careful, dude.

Starting point is 01:16:45 It's in Greece. Just like in like a couple. They dip it, they dip it, they take it. In the zoo. First of all, it's in zoo. I gotta say that, hey, there's a couple, there's a couple of zoo's here, all right? You like everybody likes you.

Starting point is 01:16:56 So I'm saying it. Let me tell you something. Yeah, you know how I like my zoo? Yeah, whoa. I like my zoo. Jesus Christ. Motsarella, sit down, sit down, mozzarella. Motso chill out, Motsable. How do you, oh my God. But how I like my shoe Mozzarella sit down sit down mozzarella. I'm so chill out much a ball

Starting point is 01:17:06 How do you oh my god, but how I like my shoe? Yes, Jesus Christ. It's right off top of my beef. All right Smother your shoe on my Wow, this is what's wrong with dipping a sandwich all right You you don't wet it who wants a wet sandwich off. Yeah, you do it's easier for your brittle teeth to get through You can barely bite through a bun. What you need it. I hope you get the results. I hope the shoes,

Starting point is 01:17:32 French bread, you know what, the shoes are never gonna get to me. I don't know, they can't. No, because they're delicious. Luke, check it out by we're special on luiciecade.com. Make sure you buy it.

Starting point is 01:17:41 Subscribe, like and comment. If you're watching our YouTube, if you want to see any of these things early, you want to get the YKWD extra, your kids will die extra. You get an extra episode every week from me, plus the JLP, go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly for the price of a cup of coffee or a wet juice.

Starting point is 01:18:00 A couple of wet juice. You can be a member of that. And I'm all over the place. San Diego, I'm going to Naples, I'm going to Levittown, I'm going to Buffalo, Toronto, I'm going to Michigan, I'm going to Michigan again, I'm going to CT, I'm going to FL, I'm going to FL again, I'm going to UT, I'm going to TX, I'm going to NJ,

Starting point is 01:18:19 I'm all over the place. So make sure you check me out. And that's about it Liz. I love you so much. I love you more Liz. Sandy, you know, I love it way more than you. That's fine. It's good to see you next time. Goodbye. We'll see you guys next week on You Know What What You. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sinfín de aventuras te esperan. ¡Fliparás!

Starting point is 01:18:59 Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com you

Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Andrew Santino | Cut the C's

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